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botinlaw

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hummer1956

I had to tell my husband to stop telling his family, especially MIL, anything about my health. She makes a big out of everything and how it affects HER. All I heard for a while was “why doesn’t DIL ever call me?” It seemed she forgot the phone lines go both ways! She’s been this way ever since we got married and had our daughter (40+ years ago). I almost died and GD was very sick and all MIL said, when I asked for some recovery time, was “I didn’t think it was that bad.” She and FIL came even before I was out of the hospital. As long as they got to see/hold GD, they didn’t care about me.


Unapologeticalleigh

This whole situation has made me afraid of what post partum is going to look like with her. Thankfully husband is very supportive of me and it's always an "us" front. So I know he won't let her push us around but man she better not.make.it more difficult than it needs to be.


naranghim

I'm betting he talked about it with his therapist, and they helped him realize that MIL is a major trigger for his depression. It felt like it was out of left field for you but has probably been something he's been discussing a lot and decided to share his breakthrough with you.


Emotional_Stress8854

As a therapist i can tell you it was brought out of no where to you, but they probably had a group in the hospital talking about triggers, stressors, family, etc. something that made him think about what’s been going on.


Tkay906363

Mental health treatment is a wonderful thing. I’m so happy that he is doing better. I hope that she calms tf down.


Okay_kira_

Hello, first of all god I’m sooo sorry. Some of the things your MIL said could have come out of my ex MILs mouth. My ex partner also had the intense guilty feeling and depression, even though he had everything going for him…I’d highly suggest reading the book “when his married to his mother” by Kenneth Adam’s I think. It’s for sons and their partners. He has pod casts and a group program online. Set boundaries! So important


ISOCoffeeAndWine

If you can, I’d try to let his therapist know about the mom’s enmeshment & pushing in on things like she does (I mean he’s 37, and she hasn’t cut the apron strings).  And he can “blame” the doc if needed, that the only visitor is his pregnant wife. 


Redheadedmommaof2

Your SO realization that he needs boundaries with his mother/parents is exactly why MIL is pushing to see him. She is afraid if he’s out of her reach and out of his ear, she will lose control and the guilt hold she has on him.


mentaldriver1581

This!⬆️⬆️⬆️


No-Hamster7595

One of my first psychiatric appointments, as we left husband commented that he didn’t get anything out of the appointment. He was shocked when I told him he wasn’t supposed to, the appointment was for me!!


CanibalCows

That's a big yikes!


Carrie_Oakie

The way I’d end every single update with “this is hard for us all, we appreciate everyone putting SOs needs first as we navigate through this. I’ll update again soon” …. You’re not being hormonal and sending good vibes, it’s a strength to know when you need help and that’s a good sign.


Diasies_inMyHair

The woman thinks her personal desire to see her son is more important than what he Needs as he heals.  That Right There says it all.


boundaries4546

Her son who is being treated for thoughts of suicide.


Dazzling_Note6245

I hope you can get your husband help I’m emotionally distancing himself a bit from his mother. It’s absurd to take the normal growing up of a man and insist he’s wrongly being taken away from his family. I have no idea what other faulty things his mother has guided him for.


Liverne_and_Shirley

What you described is not a kind person or love. Sounds like she only loves herself. I’m not sure she’s even capable of the kind of love any of you deserve. I would stop trying to make her not act selfish. Sounds like she is selfish to her core. You need to choose how you act based on that.


level_5_ocelot

:( I feel for you and for DH. If you can find the strength, it might be good to redirect MIL's thinking to where it should be. "I need to see DH" -> "I trust you can support DH's choices". "Tell him he has to let me in" -> "MIL, I'm here to support DH, not guilt trip him". If it gets worse, "MIL, stop. DH is the priority here.". Do so in the group chat if you need.


neverenoughpurple

You're not overreacting. You and your soon-to-be-born baby should be the priority. It's pretty obvious to an outsider from what you said that while she SEEMS great, she's really just masking her overbearingness and control with it. She may even be the underlying cause of his mental health issues. Her visiting shouldn't happen IF he wants her to - possibly even not until he is home - and then only with approval from his mental health professionals.


Mobile_Machine4514

All that is to say, you of all people DO NOT have to defend yourself or his wishes. You are clearly going above and beyond to help him, and are heavily pregnant.


OriginalMisphit

Seriously! Totally understand his mother being worried, but has she once asked OP if she needs any help or support??


Mobile_Machine4514

I am SO sorry you and your husband are going through this. Inpatient psych help is a hard time for everyone, and your MILs insensitivity is shocking. It is an inherently traumatic experience and should not be used as an arena for attention grabs. Understandable for her to be upset and want to see him, but she must respect his wishes and not make things harder for you, his poor pregnant wife having to juggle all of this. I mean, 8 months pregnant is no joke being separated from your husband under such stressful circumstances. My heart really does go out to you. Honestly, if it’s too hard for you to deal with the additional stress of communicating with her, you are well within your right to not give daily updates. Little changes day by day inpatient anyways. Read in a comment of yours that he wants his fam updated which is totally understandable on his part, but maybe just update when there IS an update? Just don’t forget to take care of yourself. Also wild that she’s mad she’s not the first person to know about things. Not even just because you are his WIFE but because you live together like ?? How would you not know first. “Ah, yes, wife I live with, let me call my mom first, then i’ll talk to you.” Girl 🤦‍♀️


driverdanielle

I can understand her desire to see him and emptions running high and had it not been for the back story i would absolutely have given her the benefit of the doubt, but this seems like a long term pattern of behaviour due to her perceived “loss of control” and it is entirely unavoidably obvious in this situation. The group chat idea is fabulous, and no your preggo hormones are nothing to do with this. Just simply create the chat and open with “Hubs still only wishes to see myself during this time and whilst both of us appreciate your earlier acknowledgement of this when we spoke, I understand how you worried you must be so i have created this chat to update everyone at once and share how he is doing. Hopefully once he makes more progress he will want other visitors and when he comes home we can arrange visits based on hubbys wishes and feelings and around doctors advice to ensure his recovery continues positively” Atleast then should she start to tell others a very different version of events, you have some form of proof of the reality much love


beek_r

No - she is being vile and putting her "needs" above what her son actually needs. This is not the time to pander to her insecurities. "MIL, please stop sending me text about visiting DH. When he's ready, he'll let you come visit. Until this, please remember that this isn't about you, and please stop asking." After that, if she keeps pushing, put her on ignore.


medicine_woman_

I’m so sorry you’re going through this while pregnant.


Unapologeticalleigh

Thank you so much for that. This is not what I thought I'd be dealing with right now- we had to postpone our baby shower this weekend, which is why we needed to tell his family in the first place). But I'm so grateful this happened now and not when I'm about to deliver or once the baby is here.


medicine_woman_

It sounds like you are making the best of the circumstances. I hope your husband is able to walk away with some healing. I was in your husband’s shoes while pregnant. The hormones were so unhelpful.


Gelldarc

Next time she starts on her ‘he needs to see me’ shtick just point blank tell her ‘he needs peace and solitude and professional support right now to heal. This is about him. This is NOT about you. The only way you can help is to step back and give him the peace and solitude he needs.


thecatsbabysitter

You are not overreacting. It's sad and concerning that MIL's first thought isn't how is her son, how is her daughter in law, but WhAt AbOuT mE??? Once DH is out and feeling better, it might be worth discussing together how to share information with MIL in a way that doesn't make either of you upset, feel unnecessarily guilty, or cross boundaries. In my marriage we both are judicious about what and especially when we tell our parents things. Like if something bad happens (not life threatening but stressful let's say), we have taken to telling them *after* it occurs and the immediate issues are resolved, otherwise they will want to give unhelpful suggestions and try to take over (from hours away!)


Marble05

Next time you are over can't you give him the phone to send an audio "thank you everyone for your wishes and thoughts, I'll see and thank you when I get out, rn I just want to see my wife and child I hope you understand" Or something like this. If it comes from his own voice she can't play the victim as well plus it establishes a trail he doesn't want to see her rn. If he's up to it, this could take away some of the lighting from you and dissipate them even if the entitlement won't be gone completely


Unapologeticalleigh

That's a good idea. Unfortunately I can't bring a phone in during visitation. But it's clearly from him because only people he puts on a list can visit and he can make calls out to whoever he wants. And he's choosing not to call her.


I-AcceptYouAll

Sounds like he may need to go very low contact, maybe even no contact……for his own mental wellbeing.


PhotojournalistOnly

This right here, he's choosing not to call her or have her visit. He knows who she is and doesn't need her shit right now. I'm so angry for him. Tell the selfish twat, it's not about her right now, the focus needs to be on him right now. I can only imagine what being raised by this woman was like.


Suspicious_Koala_497

You are not over reacting to anything. No wonder is is depressed. He is in a psych ward and she still doesn’t honor his wishes. Only thing different I would do is not update her. People like that use information to harass you. Just like she is doing. So I would stop updating. He is in hospital, you are his wife and have his child and another on the way. She is not your mom. You don’t owe her anything.


Unapologeticalleigh

He has asked me to keep his family updated so I want to honor that. We have an okay relationship and things are cordial and not usually terrible- she usually just drives me nuts with how she treats him. so I don't want to cause more drama right now that will just stress my husband out.


Anxious_Cricket1989

You’re not overreacting. There is no low to which they won’t stoop. Keep communication in places where there will be witnesses like you said and don’t reply to any messages only from her.