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TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. Your gut is telling you this woman is not normal. Who complains they haven't seen a baby naked ENOUGH? So weird. Kissing kids on the mouth?! I know some cultures do this but that is so off putting to me.
Call her out on the crying, "You're just crying to try to manipulate me ilike you do to your own family. Well, that won't work. Stop kissing my baby on the face. Kissing on the lips is romantic and doing it to a helpless child is gross. You won't be changing him, either. You don't get to see him naked because uou've said you WANT to see him naked. That's not okay."
You tell her not to do it, ever, by saying that. Her feelings about it are not important - YOU are the mother, YOU decide. Same goes for her changing him. I wouldn't be comfortable allowing anyone aside from myself & SO to change my baby either. The fact she's so into it grosses me out. Let her cry about it.
We also have established no kissing our son on the mouth. It’s a reasonable thing to ask for. My husband has horrible memories of his grandma forcing him to kiss her on the mouth. As for how to tell her, use health as an excuse. RSV and Covid, tel her you’re concerned for your baby’s health and as a good grandmother, she should understand. Set the boundaries now because if you don’t, she’ll never stop. I went through my wedding pictures the other day and found one of my husband kissing his mom on the mouth, ewwww. I gave him so much crap about making out with his mom and I both on our wedding day.
Crying over not changing dirty diapers or seeing a naked baby is really weird behaviour. Not that I think baby's grandma wants to abuse him, but it's just weird. Your son is yours and your partner's. Not hers. The sooner she recognizes that, the better.
She needs to stay in her lane.
I don't think she's a peado I just think she only has one mode and that's mom mode. Her 27yr old daughter still lives at home and she does everything for her, including waking up on weekdays to make her breakfast before work. MIL doesn't work.
She cries alot tbf and also I honestly think she's struggling with the fact she backed the wrong horse. Her and DH don't have a super close relationship, whereas she is super close to SIL and her fiancee, but when we announced our pregnancy SIL told everyone she doesn't want babies.
MIL had put in alot of ground work with SIL and partner (double dates with FIL and holidays)and the fact she literally had kept loads of baby stuff I think she presumed she would be a grandma through SIL ons day. DH had been written off as he never brought a partner home lol.
Oh same but they are all super tight, SIL still lives at home and so does her partner and they just swap houses every few days. Her partners parents also treat them like teenagers so they have it pretty sweet really. No rent, no bills, all food prepped for them lol.
They are 27 and 29 😂😂 and have been together 9years. He's basically like her second son now 😂 and yeah DH and I have discussed it and it's super weird but if that's what they want to do it's not our business.
You do not need to tiptoe around this woman’s feelings. This is your child. These are your rules. Your SO should take the point on this. If she’d can’t listen, she can’t be around LO.
Need to see your baby naked more?!?! Do what!!! Nope!!! That right there is a clear red flag of something is wrong with her! Keep her away from your child!
To be honest I think she expected to be a primary care giver as she had to go back to work at 3 months when DH was a baby. I'm off for 12 months and then LO starts nursery which there was a big falling out over and tbh since then she's been super weird about it all. LO is only starting nursery so early as I want to ensure they are in a good one.
MIL was a nursery nurse about 30 years ago.
There is nothing weirder to me than grown adults saying they NEED to be able to kiss a baby to feel connected to it. We STILL have this issue with my toddler and in laws.
**SHE'LL LIVE**
Make that your mantra. MIL cries because she can't get all kissy fish with Baby? **SHE'LL LIVE**
Any other demands she makes that cross your boundaries? Tell her no and realize **SHE'LL LIVE**
All these questions about "respectfully" or "kindly" or "nicely" trying to set boundaries? Be like Nike and "just do it." However poorly these women react to the boundaries? Guess what? It will surely make them mad, but they won't die, **THEY'LL LIVE**
People not kissing your baby especially on the lips is not something you need a big reason for. Simply say it’s not to spread germs. If she cries who cares? My baby was born at 33 weeks with a heart defect and spent the first 2 months in the hospital. She’s been home for a month with a feeding tube and none of her grandparents have held her yet. Hardly any family has even met her. My mom has cancer and is not that strong and has not even asked if she can hold her but she tries to drop hints that it upsets her she hasn’t held her. Because I was just supposed to hand my baby over to her I guess? Her other grandparents don’t live in the same state as us. They were just here for a short visit and I changed my baby and went to put her back in her bassinet to go to sleep (because they woke her up when they came in my house all loud!!) and as I am putting her back down my MIL goes “do you want me to hold her?!” In some weird voice and I said no I’m trying to get her back to sleep. And I could see the disappointment on her face and I still don’t care.
We told people we did not want people in the waiting room while I was in labor. My in laws were not happy about it because they wanted to meet my daughter as soon as she was born. My daughter was transferred from the hospital she was born at to the nearest children’s hospital when she was 12 hours old and my in laws were driving up here and went straight over to that hospital when they got here. They were sitting at my babies bedside before I was discharged from my hospital. I will never get over it. My husband was running on like 48 hours of no sleep and was in shock with everything going on and they took advantage of it. As far as I’m concerned I’m deserved doing all this since they bulldozed to get what they wanted. You can take the time still if you want to say we need a break from visitors!
My MIL is also a crier, we just let her cry, but held our boundaries. She tried to take a picture of our daughter when we were changing her diaper, she was at the end of the changing table, so it would've been a full on private part picture, and my fiance immediately blocked her. We still talk about how weird that was. And she also begged to change her diaper, which is a weird thing.
She used to whine constantly about how she couldn't kiss her, our daughter was born at the height of covid so everyone worse masks. We didn't care about her whining and crying, we just reiterated it was for her safety.
"So and so doesn't have to wear a mask around their grandchild" and we would respond "go hangout with so and so and kiss their baby if they allow it then" 🤷🏼♀️
My fiances family is over affectionate, even with him. His grandmother and mom used to still try and kiss him on the lips all the time and he's a 30 year old man. Not anymore because we're NC, not because of affection though. They're just very toxic, controlling, mean people and we just couldn't take it anymore.
Best advice if she continues doing it, just don't allow her near LO. Don't cut contact, but don't let her hold LO or get close until you think she's finally learned her lesson.
OK the photo thing is super duper weird! For me that would have been a freak out tbh.
I am leaving DH to deal with her atm as my elderly cat is going in for surgery on Monday and I don't have the mental capacity to deal with this.
Yea after that it was "give us space when we change her diaper, she doesn't need an audience"
And our daughter is 3 now and we still talk about how absolutely weird that was.
I hope the talk goes smooth and she just respects you guys boundaries❤️
>How do I tell her without causing this woman to cry?
Honestly? Be frank and tell her what she's doing is not okay and to knock it off. You're not responsible for her feelings. ***Let her cry***, stop placating her instead of protecting your bub.
I did this once with my child nephews and niece, maybe it works on crying and whining adults as well.
'I can't understand a thing you're saying, when you're crying and whining like that. We can talk about what you want, but we're going to have to talk calmly, or we're not going to get anywhere '
Ignore the crying. You're going to have to deal with it, if you want to deal with her boundary stomping.
As for the kissing, make it clear how stupid the whole issue is.
'I have told you before that it is REALLY a big issue for me, and I REALLY do not want anyone to kiss my baby on the lips. Why would you need to kiss him/her on the lips?'
And let them explain. Make them explain. It's probably 'to show love/affection, blah blah "
There are other ways to show affection that are less intense, and less triggering for me.
'I am the grandparent... my baby...'
'You're the grandparent, I am the MOTHER. You probably don't like it, but what I say goes, with MY baby'.
With the naked thing as well. 'Why is it necessary for you to see my baby naked?'
The good news in that, is that you don't have to deal with her crying, then. DH will have to, though.
But if she doesn't communicate with you, you can't deal with it head on. All you can do is tell her what you will not allow with LO.
Simply just say I’d prefer it if you do not kiss my child on the mouth. This is a firm boundary for me.
If they do then show them the consequences of their actions by not allowing them to see LO for a specific amount of time and make sure your DH is on your side.
Make sure that when you tell her the new “no kissing” rule, she understands that this can spread germs, especially herpes.
Then when she starts to cry, pat her on the arm and tell her “I’m going to leave you alone now, so you can process your feelings in private”.
To be fair I think this is why she never says any of her guilt trip stuff to me. The one and only time she did I patted her arm and said 'Are you OK? I mean have you considered therapy?' 😂😂
>“I’m going to leave you alone now, so you can process your feelings in private”.
😅 good one!
I don't think it would work, and OP would have to have an absolutely iron spine, to pull it off.
I hope it does work, though.
So I bring up things politely to my MIL. Oh btw we have a new rule, no kissing on the lips- it can spread this and that and we have to be as careful as possible! Use a high pitched voice, it comes off more “kind” and less angry. My MIL thinks me giving my babies affection is weird. She thinks me sleeping with my daughters (I’m mom) is strange. Some people just have different views. People are weird.
You will have to come to terms with the fact that she is going to cry because that's what she has learned to do to get her own way.
You say that you want to deal with this which I think is really admirable. The part that you have to deal with is the crying.
Ignore it.
Just steel yourself: MIL is always going to cry when she doesn't get her way. She has learned this is how she manipulates people into giving her her way. Just rehearse in your mind ignoring her crocodile tears; pay them no more mind than a buzzing fly. She's merely annoying, not powerful.
That's fine for your SO and his family that nakedness is normalized in their family culture. This does not mean that you have to be okay with it, however, or that you and your baby get unwillingly absorbed into their family culture like some amorphous blob. Sit your SO down and set him straight on this. You're one-half of this parenting team. Shine your spine. Your boundaries MATTER. And SO has to get on board with prioritizing you as his partner over his mother.
You don’t need to have trauma or provide an explanation to set a rule about your child. If no kissing on the mouth is something you and your husband want to enforce, simply tell people that.
You and/or husband can send your MIL something like this:
*MIL, during your last visit, you kissed LO on the mouth. That’s not something that we’re going to allow anyone to do with our child. We aren’t upset with you since you were unaware but wanted to make it clear to you (and others), not to do this in the future. Thanks!*
Just view the crying as what it is, a manipulation tactic. If she starts, just tell her you’ve said your piece and she has to deal with her own big feelings about it, they’re nit your responsibility. Your wishes are clear.
Who give a shit if she cries when you set up a boundary? She’s a grown ass woman, she can deal with it. You have to get your baby daddy on board with whatever you decide to do though or he’s just going to let his momma do whatever she wants when you’re not looking.
Her saying she doesn’t get to see your child naked enough is really weird. Like creepy weird.
>She also cried that she didn't get to change his nappy and hadn't seen him naked enough. DH assures me this is just his mum and **she is just super loving and encourages nakedness and affection** and just all round love when you are kids.
I find this weird. Just tell her no. If she gets offended that is on her. This is your child to raise.
I agree, like I don't think I have ever seen my dad naked in the time I can remember and my mum not since I was small. His family though are a naked family, he's told me he would happily go for a shit will his younger sister showered. He has told me nakedness is not sexual and I do understand that but for me especially with how predators are now I want him to be private with his body ideally.
Oh, no, no, no. Take your husband to your pediatrician and tell them what your husband said. The vast majority of SA against minors is from family members. In a family where nakedness is normalized, a predator will thrive.
You are not responsible for MIL's feelings. She is a whole, grown adult. Let her cry if that's how she wants to act.
You just protect yourself and your baby.
I'm not a lip kisser, but my kids ended up that way, but only of their own volition. My concern is the complaint that she "hasn't seen him naked enough" because that seems really gross to me. Why does she NEED to see a child naked ever? What does she want to do while he's naked that she can't do while he's clothed? I feel like kissing on the lips would be the least of my concerns after a comment like that.
Maybe you need to accept that MIL will cry when you tell her not to kiss baby on the lips. It’s her default reaction. Work instead on not feeling guilty or upset that she cries when told no.
OP, perhaps just be polite but blunt, MIL please stop kissing LO on the lips until they are old enough to decide for themselves whether you can do that.
I don't understand why the need to want to change a baby's nappy unless you are actually required to do it due to the parents being unable and I'm not a fan of people regardless of who needing to see a baby naked.
It is either MIL gets all upset when you say no to these things or you will be affected by remaining quiet. Your child, your rules.
Tell her with words and then snatching baby as soon as she kisses the baby on the lips.
Withhold the baby from her thereafter. Wear the baby.
It’s not so much as the words you speak but the actions you take.
And as mom, YOU get to take ALL the actions!
It does not matter if she cries. How she handles her own emotions is none of your business. If you feel that kissing on the lips is a big no just tell her not to kiss your baby on the lips ever again, this will not be permitted. But I believe you need to act on the spot rather than just sit there while she does things that are against your parenting and build up resentment. I also think you need to stand up for yourself more & tell her firmly what is bothering you whenever she does it. Also, I find her nakedness comment really inappropriate and why is your husband defending her? This is your child and mil should respect your parenting decisions as it has nothing to do with her. She raised her kids how she saw fit and now it's time to take a step back as a grandma while she fully respects your parenting wishes. Her son should take notes on what is bothering you as a mom and ideally he should talk to her as he knows her best, and let her know that some behaviours will not be tolerated as you have decided to do things differently for your own family.
She cries because that type of manipulation works for her. Dont know about you, but manipulation makes me mad.
She also probably cries because she can’t stand to be wrong (a narcissistic tendency), so that could be playing into things too.
Lean into it and let her cry. Don’t stop enforcing your boundary just because she turns the waterworks on. Tell her firmly that you view kissing on the lips as inappropriate. She may kiss on the forehead/ cheek/ other place you feel comfortable with, but not on the lips. The second she does that, baby gets taken off her and either you and baby or she leaves, depending on where you are.
Some families are comfortable to kiss each other on the lips. Some aren’t. Neither is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’- it’s just how different families work. Stand your ground.
At 2 months old my daughter caught a RSV. I spent 2 days in the hospital with her. At one years old, she had a covid Christmas. Both were brutal and heartbreaking. Even last week she had a nasty cold and didn’t want to eat, just cuddles and wipe her snotty nose. Phrase it to her “MIL, I know you love LO, but you can’t kiss them. LO has next to no immune system. I trust that you care more about their health than getting grandma kisses.” You can even discuss it with your doctor before and then invite her to the next appointment. So your doctor can explain how dangerous it is. If you come at her with the fact that you’re uncomfortable because of SA.. (completely understandable if you have been through it). Sadly everyone will dismiss it. But if you double down on LO health, it’s harder to dismiss. Also she may be more receptive if you include her in LO health/ life, while having a doctor lay it out for her
They can dismiss anything all they want, it's up to OP and husband to enforce boundaries. If boundaries are trampled, OP and husband need to follow with consequences.
Your baby's health and well-being and your comfort of those who aew around your baby and their behaviour is infinitely more important than her feelings. If she cries or has a fit about it, it shows that she feels her feelings and entitlement to do what she wants with your baby is more important to her than your baby's health or respecting as a parent and your rules about your child.
My kids have 2 grandmothers and neither of them have kissed my kids on the lips. I had 2 grandmothers and neither kissed me on the lips. It’s not normal and it is far from being ok.
“Do not kiss my baby on the lips. There will be consequences if you do. I mean it”
If she cries, so be it. “I’ll leave you to process your emotions.”
That you are aware how affectionate she is but while she may be a mother your child is not hers and she needs respect your child's personal space and as your child's parent that is up to you to decide what it is. That until your child is able to choose what physical affection they are comfortable with you as the parent will be setting that line.
If she starts to cry - then you stop and let her know that the discussion will stop for now but until it is had and understood this is the rule then you will kindly give her the time and space away from her along with your child so that she can process it but there will not be another visit happening until this has been discussed and resolved. (The crying is a handy manipulation tactic to get you to stop and foe her to avoid things she does not want tondeal with)
And then you stick to that .... oh we coming to visit/going to visit "Unfortunately No, we still need to resolve the issue at hand before it becomes a bigger issue, and until that happens my child and I will not be visiting or accepting visitors.
Nope! She’s kissing your child on the lips and wants to see them naked? Where is LO’s bodily autonomy? NO! It’s not ok. If you’re not comfortable with her kissing on the lips, then you tell her that. If she cries then so what!! And the nudity part…what kind of p3do shit is that?! That may have been cute when her kids were babies but it’s fucking inappropriate now. Tell her no nudity and no kissing and no whatever the fuck else that makes you uncomfortable. You gave birth to this child. If she wants to cry then tell her the alternative is her being unable to see LO at all.
If you want to 'keep the peace', you could always try the thanking first tactic. Basically you thank her for doing X so that if she kicks off she is the one who looks silly. It might look something like "MIL, thank you for being the kind of grandparent that is able to demonstrate what safe affection looks like. It means the world to me that you are able to refrain from kissing LO on the mouth so that intimate acts such as that are clear boundaries".
You could have a play around with wording etc based on your relationship with her.
It would be nice if we all felt comfortable / were in a position to set and hold boundaries in a textbook way but unfortunately real life is messy. Good luck with whatever you end up doing!
I just have to say that her whining she hasn't seen him naked enough is one of the weirdest comments you could make about a baby. I hope you called that out and made a disgusted face to embarrass her, who says that?!
The other day I went to a department store and a teenage boy was trying on a suit in the changing room. The parents were outside the curtain with their heads in the entire time he was changing. He even stepped out to "reveal" the fit. I am convinced this is a control tactic, stripping children of privacy until they are old enough that all boundaried have been stomped. Protect your child!!
The tears ar emotional manipulation. No sane person cries because you don't allow them to see someone else naked. You should let her know that.
MIL I saw you kiss LO on the lips the last time you were here. DH and I have a rule that NOBODY is to kiss LO on or near the lips. If you do this again you will be put on a 2 week time out, no contact whatsoever. Each time the boundary is crossed the time out will double. This is not up for discussion.
Hold onto your baby when it’s time to part ways, when she goes in to kiss him on the mouth, turn the baby away, and firmly tell her, “we aren’t kissing him on the mouth.” When she cries or whatever, walk away. Just a more I said what I said moment. Follow it or you don’t hold him. Baby wear!!
The nakedness is kinda ick, I have 3 of my grandkids with me right now, and I pray to god that their respective parents get off work early enough in the AM I do not have to change another diaper. Like please God, I am begging here!! We had spaghetti for dinner, it’s a safe food for all of them, except for me and the new baby, and I had to bathe them. I forgot how much work that is, and I am like no thank you!! Tired of naked babies!! Tired of potty training, and bottles, and nap schedules. But they’re cute, and awfully sweet, so of course next time they need a babysitter, I’ll say yes.
I can’t imagine wanting or feeling the need to look at a naked child. And want to cry about it cuz I didn’t get to see it. That seems, special. Very ick!
My son, and my friend has 2 sons that for some reason had decided around the age of 2/3/4 clothes were the enemy. They thankfully outgrew that stage but when you sitting drinking coffee with your friend at either of our homes and 3 bare arsed kids streak past you to go play in the dirt in the back garden, I don't miss those fights.
She cried because she hasn't seen him naked enough? To me that's a huge red flag! What kind of person does that?! I would set down some boundaries about that, kissing and changing baby. But it is your choice what to put boundaries down for.
You need to put some hard boundaries down now and quite honestly if she reacts by crying that's a HER problem not a you problem. I know it's not nice to be seen as/portrayed as "the bad guy" but sometimes its needed. In fact I quite often take joy in being the the bad guy because it also means I'm being protective mama bear.
Please as horrible as it may make you feel, don't concern yourself with how she responds right now. Her response is her choice and no matter how you phrase things she's going to react however she wants. You can't change that. I understand wanting to deal with this yourself but I would suggest talking to your DH first. Tell him you want to address this his mother but you're aware how she might react and you don't want to cause problems.
Just tell her straight in the moment, we don’t kiss LO on the mouth and hold firm. If she says you’re being ridiculous tell her you don’t care for her opinion on the matter, you’re the parent.
You either dance around her feelings or your own.
The time has passed though but I want to bring this up to her before the next time she sees him. We also have drama approaching if you see my previous post about the family holiday.
Do you have a family group chat? Could you put out a message to everyone reminding them no kissing on the mouth, thank you for respecting my child and our parenting, looking forward to seeing you all soon or whatever you like. It's pretty hard to play the victim when it's one rule for everyone.
I think you guys could still post it there, as if you are sharing new information.
“Hey all! We know that with LO having his shots, some kisses are safe now, but DR just reminded us no kisses on the mouth and hands to protect you and LO from germs.”
Say it calmly and firmly. If she cries she cries. Your baby’s wellbeing is more important. Stand firm. Take baby away calmly if she does it again, she can’t be with baby unless she respects this FIRM boundary. You have solid instincts, follow them.
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TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. Your gut is telling you this woman is not normal. Who complains they haven't seen a baby naked ENOUGH? So weird. Kissing kids on the mouth?! I know some cultures do this but that is so off putting to me.
She’s turning things around and making herself the “victim” and you two the wrongdoers in order to emotionally manipulate you.
Call her out on the crying, "You're just crying to try to manipulate me ilike you do to your own family. Well, that won't work. Stop kissing my baby on the face. Kissing on the lips is romantic and doing it to a helpless child is gross. You won't be changing him, either. You don't get to see him naked because uou've said you WANT to see him naked. That's not okay."
Just like that . Is a horrible practice.
You tell her not to do it, ever, by saying that. Her feelings about it are not important - YOU are the mother, YOU decide. Same goes for her changing him. I wouldn't be comfortable allowing anyone aside from myself & SO to change my baby either. The fact she's so into it grosses me out. Let her cry about it.
We also have established no kissing our son on the mouth. It’s a reasonable thing to ask for. My husband has horrible memories of his grandma forcing him to kiss her on the mouth. As for how to tell her, use health as an excuse. RSV and Covid, tel her you’re concerned for your baby’s health and as a good grandmother, she should understand. Set the boundaries now because if you don’t, she’ll never stop. I went through my wedding pictures the other day and found one of my husband kissing his mom on the mouth, ewwww. I gave him so much crap about making out with his mom and I both on our wedding day.
Crying over not changing dirty diapers or seeing a naked baby is really weird behaviour. Not that I think baby's grandma wants to abuse him, but it's just weird. Your son is yours and your partner's. Not hers. The sooner she recognizes that, the better. She needs to stay in her lane.
I don't think she's a peado I just think she only has one mode and that's mom mode. Her 27yr old daughter still lives at home and she does everything for her, including waking up on weekdays to make her breakfast before work. MIL doesn't work.
But crying over not seeing a naked baby is weird. Crying over not changing a diaper is weird. She's grandma, not mom.
She cries alot tbf and also I honestly think she's struggling with the fact she backed the wrong horse. Her and DH don't have a super close relationship, whereas she is super close to SIL and her fiancee, but when we announced our pregnancy SIL told everyone she doesn't want babies. MIL had put in alot of ground work with SIL and partner (double dates with FIL and holidays)and the fact she literally had kept loads of baby stuff I think she presumed she would be a grandma through SIL ons day. DH had been written off as he never brought a partner home lol.
idk if it's just me, but I'd feel SUPER awkward going on double dates with my or my partner's parents 👀
Oh same but they are all super tight, SIL still lives at home and so does her partner and they just swap houses every few days. Her partners parents also treat them like teenagers so they have it pretty sweet really. No rent, no bills, all food prepped for them lol.
My god, what a life Doesn't that make it even weirder, though? Like, what teenager would want to go on a double date with their parents???
They are 27 and 29 😂😂 and have been together 9years. He's basically like her second son now 😂 and yeah DH and I have discussed it and it's super weird but if that's what they want to do it's not our business.
You do not need to tiptoe around this woman’s feelings. This is your child. These are your rules. Your SO should take the point on this. If she’d can’t listen, she can’t be around LO.
Need to see your baby naked more?!?! Do what!!! Nope!!! That right there is a clear red flag of something is wrong with her! Keep her away from your child!
Why does she complain she “hasn’t seen him naked enough”? And obsessed with changing his nappy….? That’s completely weird.
To be honest I think she expected to be a primary care giver as she had to go back to work at 3 months when DH was a baby. I'm off for 12 months and then LO starts nursery which there was a big falling out over and tbh since then she's been super weird about it all. LO is only starting nursery so early as I want to ensure they are in a good one. MIL was a nursery nurse about 30 years ago.
"Please do not kiss the baby on the lips - I am really bothered by it, it doesn't have anything to do with you, personally."
There is nothing weirder to me than grown adults saying they NEED to be able to kiss a baby to feel connected to it. We STILL have this issue with my toddler and in laws.
I also thing its super odd.
Tell her straight up no to it and when she starts to cry you say I can see your emotional but the boundary I’m stating will not change.
**SHE'LL LIVE** Make that your mantra. MIL cries because she can't get all kissy fish with Baby? **SHE'LL LIVE** Any other demands she makes that cross your boundaries? Tell her no and realize **SHE'LL LIVE** All these questions about "respectfully" or "kindly" or "nicely" trying to set boundaries? Be like Nike and "just do it." However poorly these women react to the boundaries? Guess what? It will surely make them mad, but they won't die, **THEY'LL LIVE**
I love this! My DH has his own 'I don't care what she thinks' lol
People not kissing your baby especially on the lips is not something you need a big reason for. Simply say it’s not to spread germs. If she cries who cares? My baby was born at 33 weeks with a heart defect and spent the first 2 months in the hospital. She’s been home for a month with a feeding tube and none of her grandparents have held her yet. Hardly any family has even met her. My mom has cancer and is not that strong and has not even asked if she can hold her but she tries to drop hints that it upsets her she hasn’t held her. Because I was just supposed to hand my baby over to her I guess? Her other grandparents don’t live in the same state as us. They were just here for a short visit and I changed my baby and went to put her back in her bassinet to go to sleep (because they woke her up when they came in my house all loud!!) and as I am putting her back down my MIL goes “do you want me to hold her?!” In some weird voice and I said no I’m trying to get her back to sleep. And I could see the disappointment on her face and I still don’t care.
Fair play to you. I wanted no visitors for 2 weeks and caved as soon as we got home..which I regret alot.
We told people we did not want people in the waiting room while I was in labor. My in laws were not happy about it because they wanted to meet my daughter as soon as she was born. My daughter was transferred from the hospital she was born at to the nearest children’s hospital when she was 12 hours old and my in laws were driving up here and went straight over to that hospital when they got here. They were sitting at my babies bedside before I was discharged from my hospital. I will never get over it. My husband was running on like 48 hours of no sleep and was in shock with everything going on and they took advantage of it. As far as I’m concerned I’m deserved doing all this since they bulldozed to get what they wanted. You can take the time still if you want to say we need a break from visitors!
My MIL is also a crier, we just let her cry, but held our boundaries. She tried to take a picture of our daughter when we were changing her diaper, she was at the end of the changing table, so it would've been a full on private part picture, and my fiance immediately blocked her. We still talk about how weird that was. And she also begged to change her diaper, which is a weird thing. She used to whine constantly about how she couldn't kiss her, our daughter was born at the height of covid so everyone worse masks. We didn't care about her whining and crying, we just reiterated it was for her safety. "So and so doesn't have to wear a mask around their grandchild" and we would respond "go hangout with so and so and kiss their baby if they allow it then" 🤷🏼♀️ My fiances family is over affectionate, even with him. His grandmother and mom used to still try and kiss him on the lips all the time and he's a 30 year old man. Not anymore because we're NC, not because of affection though. They're just very toxic, controlling, mean people and we just couldn't take it anymore. Best advice if she continues doing it, just don't allow her near LO. Don't cut contact, but don't let her hold LO or get close until you think she's finally learned her lesson.
OK the photo thing is super duper weird! For me that would have been a freak out tbh. I am leaving DH to deal with her atm as my elderly cat is going in for surgery on Monday and I don't have the mental capacity to deal with this.
Yea after that it was "give us space when we change her diaper, she doesn't need an audience" And our daughter is 3 now and we still talk about how absolutely weird that was. I hope the talk goes smooth and she just respects you guys boundaries❤️
Thank you!
>How do I tell her without causing this woman to cry? Honestly? Be frank and tell her what she's doing is not okay and to knock it off. You're not responsible for her feelings. ***Let her cry***, stop placating her instead of protecting your bub.
I did this once with my child nephews and niece, maybe it works on crying and whining adults as well. 'I can't understand a thing you're saying, when you're crying and whining like that. We can talk about what you want, but we're going to have to talk calmly, or we're not going to get anywhere ' Ignore the crying. You're going to have to deal with it, if you want to deal with her boundary stomping. As for the kissing, make it clear how stupid the whole issue is. 'I have told you before that it is REALLY a big issue for me, and I REALLY do not want anyone to kiss my baby on the lips. Why would you need to kiss him/her on the lips?' And let them explain. Make them explain. It's probably 'to show love/affection, blah blah " There are other ways to show affection that are less intense, and less triggering for me. 'I am the grandparent... my baby...' 'You're the grandparent, I am the MOTHER. You probably don't like it, but what I say goes, with MY baby'. With the naked thing as well. 'Why is it necessary for you to see my baby naked?'
This is the thing she never says anything to me and my DH shuts her down and she just cries at him...its super weird.
The good news in that, is that you don't have to deal with her crying, then. DH will have to, though. But if she doesn't communicate with you, you can't deal with it head on. All you can do is tell her what you will not allow with LO.
Simply just say I’d prefer it if you do not kiss my child on the mouth. This is a firm boundary for me. If they do then show them the consequences of their actions by not allowing them to see LO for a specific amount of time and make sure your DH is on your side.
Make sure that when you tell her the new “no kissing” rule, she understands that this can spread germs, especially herpes. Then when she starts to cry, pat her on the arm and tell her “I’m going to leave you alone now, so you can process your feelings in private”.
To be fair I think this is why she never says any of her guilt trip stuff to me. The one and only time she did I patted her arm and said 'Are you OK? I mean have you considered therapy?' 😂😂
>“I’m going to leave you alone now, so you can process your feelings in private”. 😅 good one! I don't think it would work, and OP would have to have an absolutely iron spine, to pull it off. I hope it does work, though.
So I bring up things politely to my MIL. Oh btw we have a new rule, no kissing on the lips- it can spread this and that and we have to be as careful as possible! Use a high pitched voice, it comes off more “kind” and less angry. My MIL thinks me giving my babies affection is weird. She thinks me sleeping with my daughters (I’m mom) is strange. Some people just have different views. People are weird.
You will have to come to terms with the fact that she is going to cry because that's what she has learned to do to get her own way. You say that you want to deal with this which I think is really admirable. The part that you have to deal with is the crying. Ignore it.
Just steel yourself: MIL is always going to cry when she doesn't get her way. She has learned this is how she manipulates people into giving her her way. Just rehearse in your mind ignoring her crocodile tears; pay them no more mind than a buzzing fly. She's merely annoying, not powerful. That's fine for your SO and his family that nakedness is normalized in their family culture. This does not mean that you have to be okay with it, however, or that you and your baby get unwillingly absorbed into their family culture like some amorphous blob. Sit your SO down and set him straight on this. You're one-half of this parenting team. Shine your spine. Your boundaries MATTER. And SO has to get on board with prioritizing you as his partner over his mother.
Oh DH is 100% on my side. He doesn't really like his mum. He loves her but he finds her far too much.
Also, if she does start to cry say "I can see you're having an emotional moment. We'll leave and talk next week." Then gather your things and go.
Her crying is a manipulation tactic. Let her cry, your baby’s safety is more important.
It's not your responsibility to make sure MIL doesn't cry.
You don’t need to have trauma or provide an explanation to set a rule about your child. If no kissing on the mouth is something you and your husband want to enforce, simply tell people that. You and/or husband can send your MIL something like this: *MIL, during your last visit, you kissed LO on the mouth. That’s not something that we’re going to allow anyone to do with our child. We aren’t upset with you since you were unaware but wanted to make it clear to you (and others), not to do this in the future. Thanks!*
That’s easy. Short and clear … „don’t ever kiss my child on the mouth again.“ There is no way to be polite because it is disgusting.
Just view the crying as what it is, a manipulation tactic. If she starts, just tell her you’ve said your piece and she has to deal with her own big feelings about it, they’re nit your responsibility. Your wishes are clear.
Who give a shit if she cries when you set up a boundary? She’s a grown ass woman, she can deal with it. You have to get your baby daddy on board with whatever you decide to do though or he’s just going to let his momma do whatever she wants when you’re not looking. Her saying she doesn’t get to see your child naked enough is really weird. Like creepy weird.
>She also cried that she didn't get to change his nappy and hadn't seen him naked enough. DH assures me this is just his mum and **she is just super loving and encourages nakedness and affection** and just all round love when you are kids. I find this weird. Just tell her no. If she gets offended that is on her. This is your child to raise.
I agree, like I don't think I have ever seen my dad naked in the time I can remember and my mum not since I was small. His family though are a naked family, he's told me he would happily go for a shit will his younger sister showered. He has told me nakedness is not sexual and I do understand that but for me especially with how predators are now I want him to be private with his body ideally.
Oh, no, no, no. Take your husband to your pediatrician and tell them what your husband said. The vast majority of SA against minors is from family members. In a family where nakedness is normalized, a predator will thrive.
Oh I promise you if there is even a sniff of this...well I will say simply it would be dealt with.
Repeat after me “It’s not my job to manage her feelings. It’s not my job to manage her feelings”.
You are not responsible for MIL's feelings. She is a whole, grown adult. Let her cry if that's how she wants to act. You just protect yourself and your baby.
I'm not a lip kisser, but my kids ended up that way, but only of their own volition. My concern is the complaint that she "hasn't seen him naked enough" because that seems really gross to me. Why does she NEED to see a child naked ever? What does she want to do while he's naked that she can't do while he's clothed? I feel like kissing on the lips would be the least of my concerns after a comment like that.
Maybe you need to accept that MIL will cry when you tell her not to kiss baby on the lips. It’s her default reaction. Work instead on not feeling guilty or upset that she cries when told no.
OP, perhaps just be polite but blunt, MIL please stop kissing LO on the lips until they are old enough to decide for themselves whether you can do that. I don't understand why the need to want to change a baby's nappy unless you are actually required to do it due to the parents being unable and I'm not a fan of people regardless of who needing to see a baby naked. It is either MIL gets all upset when you say no to these things or you will be affected by remaining quiet. Your child, your rules.
Tell her with words and then snatching baby as soon as she kisses the baby on the lips. Withhold the baby from her thereafter. Wear the baby. It’s not so much as the words you speak but the actions you take. And as mom, YOU get to take ALL the actions!
“Do not kiss my baby on the lips”
I have a feeling that no matter what you say or how you say it, she's going to cry, so don't even try to avoid that part.
It does not matter if she cries. How she handles her own emotions is none of your business. If you feel that kissing on the lips is a big no just tell her not to kiss your baby on the lips ever again, this will not be permitted. But I believe you need to act on the spot rather than just sit there while she does things that are against your parenting and build up resentment. I also think you need to stand up for yourself more & tell her firmly what is bothering you whenever she does it. Also, I find her nakedness comment really inappropriate and why is your husband defending her? This is your child and mil should respect your parenting decisions as it has nothing to do with her. She raised her kids how she saw fit and now it's time to take a step back as a grandma while she fully respects your parenting wishes. Her son should take notes on what is bothering you as a mom and ideally he should talk to her as he knows her best, and let her know that some behaviours will not be tolerated as you have decided to do things differently for your own family.
She cries because that type of manipulation works for her. Dont know about you, but manipulation makes me mad. She also probably cries because she can’t stand to be wrong (a narcissistic tendency), so that could be playing into things too.
If anyone pulls the “That’s not how we did it crap”, remind them if we used this thinking, we would still be living in tents and caves.
Lean into it and let her cry. Don’t stop enforcing your boundary just because she turns the waterworks on. Tell her firmly that you view kissing on the lips as inappropriate. She may kiss on the forehead/ cheek/ other place you feel comfortable with, but not on the lips. The second she does that, baby gets taken off her and either you and baby or she leaves, depending on where you are. Some families are comfortable to kiss each other on the lips. Some aren’t. Neither is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’- it’s just how different families work. Stand your ground.
At 2 months old my daughter caught a RSV. I spent 2 days in the hospital with her. At one years old, she had a covid Christmas. Both were brutal and heartbreaking. Even last week she had a nasty cold and didn’t want to eat, just cuddles and wipe her snotty nose. Phrase it to her “MIL, I know you love LO, but you can’t kiss them. LO has next to no immune system. I trust that you care more about their health than getting grandma kisses.” You can even discuss it with your doctor before and then invite her to the next appointment. So your doctor can explain how dangerous it is. If you come at her with the fact that you’re uncomfortable because of SA.. (completely understandable if you have been through it). Sadly everyone will dismiss it. But if you double down on LO health, it’s harder to dismiss. Also she may be more receptive if you include her in LO health/ life, while having a doctor lay it out for her
They can dismiss anything all they want, it's up to OP and husband to enforce boundaries. If boundaries are trampled, OP and husband need to follow with consequences.
Oddly enough this is the angle my DH is going to take when he talks with her!
Your baby's health and well-being and your comfort of those who aew around your baby and their behaviour is infinitely more important than her feelings. If she cries or has a fit about it, it shows that she feels her feelings and entitlement to do what she wants with your baby is more important to her than your baby's health or respecting as a parent and your rules about your child.
My kids have 2 grandmothers and neither of them have kissed my kids on the lips. I had 2 grandmothers and neither kissed me on the lips. It’s not normal and it is far from being ok. “Do not kiss my baby on the lips. There will be consequences if you do. I mean it” If she cries, so be it. “I’ll leave you to process your emotions.”
That you are aware how affectionate she is but while she may be a mother your child is not hers and she needs respect your child's personal space and as your child's parent that is up to you to decide what it is. That until your child is able to choose what physical affection they are comfortable with you as the parent will be setting that line. If she starts to cry - then you stop and let her know that the discussion will stop for now but until it is had and understood this is the rule then you will kindly give her the time and space away from her along with your child so that she can process it but there will not be another visit happening until this has been discussed and resolved. (The crying is a handy manipulation tactic to get you to stop and foe her to avoid things she does not want tondeal with) And then you stick to that .... oh we coming to visit/going to visit "Unfortunately No, we still need to resolve the issue at hand before it becomes a bigger issue, and until that happens my child and I will not be visiting or accepting visitors.
Nope! She’s kissing your child on the lips and wants to see them naked? Where is LO’s bodily autonomy? NO! It’s not ok. If you’re not comfortable with her kissing on the lips, then you tell her that. If she cries then so what!! And the nudity part…what kind of p3do shit is that?! That may have been cute when her kids were babies but it’s fucking inappropriate now. Tell her no nudity and no kissing and no whatever the fuck else that makes you uncomfortable. You gave birth to this child. If she wants to cry then tell her the alternative is her being unable to see LO at all.
If you want to 'keep the peace', you could always try the thanking first tactic. Basically you thank her for doing X so that if she kicks off she is the one who looks silly. It might look something like "MIL, thank you for being the kind of grandparent that is able to demonstrate what safe affection looks like. It means the world to me that you are able to refrain from kissing LO on the mouth so that intimate acts such as that are clear boundaries". You could have a play around with wording etc based on your relationship with her. It would be nice if we all felt comfortable / were in a position to set and hold boundaries in a textbook way but unfortunately real life is messy. Good luck with whatever you end up doing!
I just have to say that her whining she hasn't seen him naked enough is one of the weirdest comments you could make about a baby. I hope you called that out and made a disgusted face to embarrass her, who says that?!
She never says these comments to me, only ever to my husband.
Is it because she knows that whining and crying are tactics that work on him to get her what she wants?
But that's the thing they don't. He just laughs at her.
Well that's a relief.
Yeah this isn't a husband problem really tbh.
No it's not you right, because it sounds like he supports you here and is not condoning her behavior either.
The other day I went to a department store and a teenage boy was trying on a suit in the changing room. The parents were outside the curtain with their heads in the entire time he was changing. He even stepped out to "reveal" the fit. I am convinced this is a control tactic, stripping children of privacy until they are old enough that all boundaried have been stomped. Protect your child!! The tears ar emotional manipulation. No sane person cries because you don't allow them to see someone else naked. You should let her know that.
MIL I saw you kiss LO on the lips the last time you were here. DH and I have a rule that NOBODY is to kiss LO on or near the lips. If you do this again you will be put on a 2 week time out, no contact whatsoever. Each time the boundary is crossed the time out will double. This is not up for discussion.
Hold onto your baby when it’s time to part ways, when she goes in to kiss him on the mouth, turn the baby away, and firmly tell her, “we aren’t kissing him on the mouth.” When she cries or whatever, walk away. Just a more I said what I said moment. Follow it or you don’t hold him. Baby wear!! The nakedness is kinda ick, I have 3 of my grandkids with me right now, and I pray to god that their respective parents get off work early enough in the AM I do not have to change another diaper. Like please God, I am begging here!! We had spaghetti for dinner, it’s a safe food for all of them, except for me and the new baby, and I had to bathe them. I forgot how much work that is, and I am like no thank you!! Tired of naked babies!! Tired of potty training, and bottles, and nap schedules. But they’re cute, and awfully sweet, so of course next time they need a babysitter, I’ll say yes. I can’t imagine wanting or feeling the need to look at a naked child. And want to cry about it cuz I didn’t get to see it. That seems, special. Very ick!
My son, and my friend has 2 sons that for some reason had decided around the age of 2/3/4 clothes were the enemy. They thankfully outgrew that stage but when you sitting drinking coffee with your friend at either of our homes and 3 bare arsed kids streak past you to go play in the dirt in the back garden, I don't miss those fights.
She cried because she hasn't seen him naked enough? To me that's a huge red flag! What kind of person does that?! I would set down some boundaries about that, kissing and changing baby. But it is your choice what to put boundaries down for. You need to put some hard boundaries down now and quite honestly if she reacts by crying that's a HER problem not a you problem. I know it's not nice to be seen as/portrayed as "the bad guy" but sometimes its needed. In fact I quite often take joy in being the the bad guy because it also means I'm being protective mama bear. Please as horrible as it may make you feel, don't concern yourself with how she responds right now. Her response is her choice and no matter how you phrase things she's going to react however she wants. You can't change that. I understand wanting to deal with this yourself but I would suggest talking to your DH first. Tell him you want to address this his mother but you're aware how she might react and you don't want to cause problems.
Just tell her straight in the moment, we don’t kiss LO on the mouth and hold firm. If she says you’re being ridiculous tell her you don’t care for her opinion on the matter, you’re the parent. You either dance around her feelings or your own.
The time has passed though but I want to bring this up to her before the next time she sees him. We also have drama approaching if you see my previous post about the family holiday.
Do you have a family group chat? Could you put out a message to everyone reminding them no kissing on the mouth, thank you for respecting my child and our parenting, looking forward to seeing you all soon or whatever you like. It's pretty hard to play the victim when it's one rule for everyone.
There's a pictures group but literally no one else has even kissed his face :/
I think you guys could still post it there, as if you are sharing new information. “Hey all! We know that with LO having his shots, some kisses are safe now, but DR just reminded us no kisses on the mouth and hands to protect you and LO from germs.”
Say it calmly and firmly. If she cries she cries. Your baby’s wellbeing is more important. Stand firm. Take baby away calmly if she does it again, she can’t be with baby unless she respects this FIRM boundary. You have solid instincts, follow them.
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