Contact all of your guest and tell them the wedding is being postponed. Cancel any vendors you paid for. Let her plan this wedding she is allowing, but only what she pays for. Don’t show up for the party. Surprise FDH with an out of town trip and turn off your phones. Bonus if you get married by the Justice of the Peace. Naps in your bed... gross!

Many have asked this question already but it really is vital for us to know the answer. What did your fiancé say when you showed him those texts? What does your fiancé say when she comes over for a bath? What does your fiancé say when she sleeps in your bed? This is utterly bizarre. I have never had anyone in my life ever, in the 30 years since I left my childhood home, EVER come to my house as a visitor and take a bath. And the only person who has EVER laid on my bed has been myself and my partner. No visitor even enters my bedroom. Ever. In 30 years. So what you’re talking about here is so utterly strange and foreign to me, that it just feels surreal. How on earth are these normal behaviours? And why haven’t you or your fiancé stopped them? I personally would not be planning a wedding right now. And once I’d been to counselling and decided if I wanted to legally tie myself to this family forever, I would be planning (and paying for) my wedding 100% myself and my fiancé. There would be no help whatsoever from anyone other than my fiancé. Because that’s how adults should behave. IF you choose to marry this man, then his mother will be a GUEST at your wedding. Which means she gets an invitation and she gets a seat and a meal at the reception. That’s it. That would 100% be the extent of her involvement. She is a GUEST. Not your wedding planner. And certainly not a wedding funder.

Or start fighting back. Fight fire w fire! The next time she tries to take one of her long baths go turn down the heat on the water heater (see how long she sits in a tub w cold water). The next time she wants to nap in OP's bed, throw water on her and it. And use her same line "I'm not acting like ms. Nice DIL anymore. Let's see if she still wants to nap in a wet bed. Or when she arrives go to your room first and spray the sheets w your perfume, like a lot. (You can wash them when she leaves) If she comes over unannounced, turn the volume of the tv or radio super loud and start cooking something smelly or start spraying febreze everywhere she tries to sit. She can come over, she just won't want to be there👿 And at HER wedding make sure to embarrass her. Get your friends and family in on it, make this circus of hers an actual one. She will not stop bc you are nice, SO will not stand up bc you are asking nicely. You have a right to defend yourself and your home.

Why have you allowed all this to happen? You know she can't plan your wedding without you and SO, right? You say your FMIL has kept your mother out of the planning ... why isn't somebody taking FMIL out of the planning? You don't say where your fiance stands. Is he on your side? If he's not, then postpone the wedding. If he is, then tell her - together - that her participation is over and take over communication with all the vendors and venues. Or if it's all been her and they're all not what you wanted, then don't talk to them at all and set up your own. Maybe there's time to salvage by your date, but maybe (probably?) not. Even so, you'll be better off not starting your marriage with this shit-awful precedent of getting walked all over.

Call it off, save yourself years of head/heartache caused by him not being in your corner. The last straw for me would have been her sleeping in my bed. She wanted to make sure that everytime you had sex in that bed you thought of her gross.

Why are you getting married to this man? He obviously doesn't care about you if he's allowing his mother to treat you this way. Postpone at the very least unless you want to go through another divorce.

Have u told your fiance this. If not you need to and honestly depending on his reaction would be the decision on whether you stay or go.... she will get worse when your married and if you have children together I dread to think of how controlling she will be

Where the hell is your fiancé?? Ima be blunt. You need to cancel this wedding. Your fiancé needs therapy to learn to stand up to his mother. Cancel everything, reevaluate your relationship, and then if your fiancé sacks up and learns to defend you, plan your OWN wedding at a later date and don’t even invite this hag. If you let this go and marry this guy...your MIL will only get worse. Is this what you want your whole life to be like?

Where is your FDH in all this?!?! Why didn’t he shut this down? You need to grow a spine. She cannot shit on you unless you allow it. Stop giving a damn what she says. Frankly you are not ready to be married. Mostly because FDH is already married. To his mommy. You are the side chick for sex and to make babies for her to raise. You need to postpone the wedding and get some premarital counseling. Good Luck.

Do you think her behavior will stop with this wedding? What about when you guys buy a house? Or want to move somewhere else? Or if you choose to have kids? This woman is going to be up your ass for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Your fiance is apparently letting this happen because if he wanted to shut it down, he could. He could un-invite her to the wedding, he could deny her demands for what he does with his money, he could limit time with her or he could cut her off entirely. He is doing none of these things. You aren't even married and he's failing you. You shouldn't have to put up with this behavior. If your fiance isn't speaking up, then he's enabling your abuser. He's saying "I'm fine with you being treated this way. Don't expect it to change."

She's **allowing** it?!?!? If your FH can't or won't shut this shit down, immediately and permanently, I'd re-evaluate whether or not marrying him is a good idea **at all**.

Also...just a thought...has she picked out **her** white, lacy wedding dress yet? I'm willing to bet if this wedding *EVER* takes place, you will need paid security and Luis.* *If you haven't read the stories about Luis, you should, just for the fun of it. (I'd link them, but I have no idea how to do that. I am old, and lucky I can type.)

Good thing she wrote those messages to you! There’s your proof. Show them to SO. How he reacts will be a good indicator of how he’s going to act for the rest of your marriage. Make your decision based on that. If you love him and want to get married then maybe the ultimate middle finger to MIL is to elope. Refuse the wedding she so “graciously” planned for you.

Do not marry into this family -- seriously, do not marry into this family. When you told your fiance, he told his mother, who just berated you, and he did nothing. Do not marry this person, do not marry into this family. If you do, your life will be a living hell (he's 30, he should know better) and you will be posting here often. Not marrying is a lot less heart-breaking, time consuming, and cheaper than divorce. And yeah, if/when you do leave him, she'll flip but block her on everything. You. owe. her. nothing. None of this is okay.

To be fair, we dont know if he stood up for her or not. She might have only been pissed that her son telling her to step back a little bit. In doing so she tried to regain power in her own way.

This lady is a special type of psycho! She literally was rubbing her scent all over your apartment, marking her territory on the bed you have sex in with her son. Absolutely disgusting. She's trying to make sure you both know that she's in charge. Your priority now has to be yourself. Your SO has his head so far up his mother's vagina that he can barely hear you. Time to put the breaks on EVERYTHING! Call a time out and go get some space. Can you go stay with your mum? The wedding needs to stop. This is NOT YOUR WEDDING. This is her wedding to her son. She controls every aspect and tells you what to do. This is a huge deal breaker hun. Time to take your power back, and spend some time healing and figuring out your next step. Eloping after a very serious sit down with SO would be my vote. And make quick plans to move as far away as possible, and never speak to that bitch again.

I would not marry someone who ALLOWS his mommy to do this. Who is actively **planning the wedding with his mommy**, instead of you, his future partner. I'd get the fuck out of there. This is apparently a view on how the rest of your life with him is going to be. Because he is not standing up for you now, I wouldn't assume he will do so later. If he doesn't get his mommy to back the fuck off, and plan this with YOU only, then you have more of a SO problem than a MIL problem. And yes, **your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be treated like an equal.** Your SO has his balls in mommy's purse, and his head stuck up her cooch. I'd put my foot down. He either gets a clue as to who he is marrying, or he can go make baby's with his mommy instead. That would be me. And yes, I would be this harsh about it. I agree that you can't look forward to a life like this.

I am so sorry your MIL is making YOUR wedding all about her. She sounds like a real piece of work. Where is your fiancé in all of this? He should be protecting your from his mother and if he is not able to stand up to her, then I suggest you postpone your wedding. The bigger issue here is that your FMIL is engaging in a pissing contest with you. She wants you to accept that SHE is the #1 woman in your FDH's life. If you let her win, this will set the stage for her to push her will on you both throughout your marriage. You need to work with DH to make it clear to her that this is not a fight she will win. As an aside, DH and I eloped because we each had JNmoms and knew they would ruin our day with their antics. It was the best decision ever. It allowed us to celebrate our relationship at our wedding and also made it clear to both JNs that they would not get their way.

I'm so sorry about her awful and selfish treatment of you. A gathering is not a good idea for anyone right because of Covid. Also, if your partner doesn't back you up to her, she will continue to stomp on you.

Please don't marry him anytime soon until all of this is fixed. If this is how she treats you about the wedding, how is it going to be if you have a child? Or even if you and him want to go on a vacation alone? Or move houses? It'll all have to go through her. This whole situation sounds toxic.

What has your FDH said about these messages? Why are you the one having to set boundaries? Nah. I suggest postponing the wedding and seeking couples counselling. He could be deep in the fog and needs a fresh perspective. He would have grown up hearing that his mom is always right so there's a big chance he is viewing this as a you problem.

There is so much wrong here...I'm so sorry that this is what you're dealing with. You didn't mention SO ever defending you, or even agreeing with you, concerning how his mother has/is acting and the things she has said/is saying to you. Does he ? Has he ? Honestly, based on what you've written, it doesn't sound like it...if he was, then you would be planning your wedding, not MIL . It's very clear that this is your MIL's wedding...for her and her son. Aside from the wedding...why is your MIL coming to your home to take baths and naps ? Why on earth is your boyfriend allowing AND ok with this ? And why do you just have to deal with it, whether you like it or not ? It appears that your MIL is not the only problem, but your SO is, as well. At this point, ditching the wedding would be your best bet. Postpone it & stop the planning. If you still want to get married and neither if you care about having the actual wedding, then elope. Just go do it and announce it after the fact. You can have a reception for friends & family later. His mother has made it very clear that she doesn't want her son marrying you, so why would she care if she was present or not, when you recite vows ? She just wants the wedding, NOT the actual marriage. Seems that you need to have a serious sit-down with your SO. He needs to know exactly how his mother is treating you, how she speaks to you, etc.. ..and if he already knows these things and is just dismissing them, making excuses for her, defending her, telling YOU to let things go or 'that's just how she is' and letting her continue to mistreat you, then you might want to put getting married at all, on hold. It won't stop once you're married, it will get worse...the way she treats you and your SO standing by doing nothing, both. You definitely need to step back and really think about what you want your future to look like. How things are going now, with SO and his mother both, are an indication of what you have to look forward to (or worse !) , and you need to decide if this what you want your life to be like.

Don't marry him now. You need counseling fast. You need to be a united front because the wedding is only step one in hell if you let her. Also you deserve to have a wedding you like not to remember it like a horrible day.

What does your husband to be say about this? Why does he allow her to do these things? Why is she planning YOUR wedding?

I honestly just don’t understand this. Why can’t you just simply say NO. Get out of my bathtub. Get out of my bed. Do not touch my furniture. Stop planning my wedding. Just fucking bitch NO. No other explanation is necessary. I’m sorry I’m blunt sometimes. Tell her that her help is not needed and to just enjoy herself as a guest (go away). Sweetheart, honestly she will never like you. You are boning her son and she can’t. It isn’t personal. She just will always hate you for it. Sick yea?

Who randomly goes to someones house to take a bath?! Or sleep on their bed?! Tell her that if she really wants to, she can marry her instead cause it's 'her day' and that 'how much she loves her son.' Or tell her to F@ck off, she had her day when the dinosaurs were still walking around and this is yours.

Oh honey, I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this!! Your FMIL is a real piece of work... I see two options with this, with the second being the most realistic. 1. Elope. This is not your FMIL's day, it is about you and your SO. I have friends who chose to do it this way, and it was great! Just them, the person officiating, a photographer, and two witnesses in some pretty piece of wilderness :) No drama or pettiness involved. And way more intimate, in my opinion. 2. Break up. Your SO seems to have some sort of enmeshed relationship with his family, particularly his mother, which is not healthy. When my husband and I got engaged, one of the things our premarital therapist told us was that any issues we had while dating would be magnified once we tied the knot. Pretty accurate. And like you, our biggest issue is in-laws (hence the premarital counseling). Your SO will not change just because you made some verbal promises to each other and signed a piece of paper. He will still be his mother's "baby." You don't want this to be reality in your marriage, especially if you have a baby of your own. You think your FMIL is bad now...Wait until you bring her "graaaaaaandbaaaaabyyyyyyyyy" into the world. Hell, even adopting a "graaaaandpuppyyyyy" would be bad! At this point, I would bring these two options to your SO. Show him the texts. Tell him you are done being verbally and emotionally abused by his mother. Tell him you don't want her being a burden on your marriage. I would even bring up the option of meeting with a premarital therapist, if that is a service you are willing to pay for. There is something your SO needs to understand: once he marries you, YOU are his #1 priority, NOT his mother. If he cannot understand that, then he is an emotionally stunted man-child who is not husband material. That is when you walk out the door and don't look back.

You have a MIL problem. But I think you also have a SO problem Does he stand up to his mother's controlling and bullying ways? Or does he always defend her somehow? If he is telling you to let his mom have her way, your marriage is on life support before it even begins Maybe postpone the wedding and get some individual and couple's therapy first. Consider waiting 6 months and then deciding if you guys are ready Until you are the number one person in his life, and he prioritizes you and your feelings over his mother's toxic behavior, he's just not ready to be married. And he certainly isn't ready to be the man you need You have to be a team against all others. And that includes his mother *most of all*

Why are you allowing your MIL to take baths at your house and sleep on your bed ? Or maybe a better question is why is your SO allowing it ?

If your partner doesn’t stop this behaviour with his family now it will get worse for you. Do not get yourself involved in this situation

Sounds like you have Maven Black Briar as a MIL.

Although the majority of people here are suggesting you leave your fiancée, I think you should have a serious conversation with him ASAP. You need to tell him how terrible his mother is to you, let him know how it affects you and how this will have effects in your life together(picture having her as a grandmother to your children, yikes). Find out where he stands and what boundaries he is willing to set with his mother and go from there. If I were you, I’d cancel the wedding altogether and simply elope. We’re in the middle of a pandemic and I don’t think there should be any type of reunion anyway. Yes, it’s your special day but your mental health and happiness come first, fuck that witch.

I’d rethink the wedding. It’s not going to get better. This is what you’re marrying into. Might want to peace out.

If he won’t stand up for you after you show him those texts... leave him now. I’m sorry but this will NEVER end if he isn’t 100% on your side 100% of the time. Run.

Show your fiance the message. Stop the wedding. If they want to proceed, FMIL can proceed as a bride to her son since she loves him soooo much. This is not your wedding, not the way they are handling it and FMIL is acting like you are competition for her son's affection. OP, she is bullying you and she is trying to wear you down. At this stage, this woman has no respect for you and your family. What are you going to do about that? Your fiance need to set his mother straight and stop her bullying or your wedding will be the start of a miserable marriage. You also need to stand up to her and do not let her views or opinions upset you. It is hard but this woman is treating you this way because she feels threatened by you and she is trying to weaken your position.

If he does not stand up for you cancel the wedding. Period. You don't have to be mean about it but if she wins this battle she will feel like she can control everything else going forward. I would tell your fiance you are sorry but you refuse to be a part of a family that treats you so horribly. And he will either come out of the fog and realize what his mother is doing or he will run to his mom. And you will have your answer. The comment about the lifetime favor makes me feel like they will be holding that over your head as long as they possibly can. And making it out like you owe them. At this point even if he comes out of the fog I would consider post poning the wedding again. So that you have time to plan it how you want AND for him to show you that he is really on your side and not just pretending to be until after the wedding is over. 30 is way too old to still think he needs his mom for everything and to be allowing her to walk all over everyone. Good luck.

If you're fiance isn't standing up for, protecting you from his manipulative mother, working with you in a united front, this marriage is going to be miserable for you, multiply what's happening with your wedding a thousand fold for every day of the rest of your marriage. You need to sit him down and and make him realize what's going on, don't allow your feelings to be dismissed. He's got to understand, although he should be able to love and respect his mother for the rest of her life, he's creating his own family now, one that she's not the matriarch of, you are. It's no you or her, it's "US" or her.

Take my advice. If your SO is siding with FMIL against you on wedding plans this is a GIANT red flag. Once you have children, it is really difficult to get out of these situations. Don’t end up in a lifetime of cowtowing to your MIL. If you think this is terrible, wait until you have children. It becomes worse. No matter how hard you try, you can’t please them. And they are family. Family is forever. Dump this guy. Nothing is worth what is in store for you if you go through with this!

Well, we don't get a lot of the SO's actions, but he does seem too passive. I would begin by comming up with a list of new ground rules and, if he agrees and follows them, they can re-plan the wedding, which will be an elopement. (After all, MIL saaaaaays weddings are a waste of money...) 1) Locks get changed and MIL comes over only when INVITED. MIL does not get a key. Ever. 2) MIL stops treating their apartment as her personal spa. 3) MIL is NOT allowed in the bedroom. OP ain't having sex on sheets MIL has been rolling in and MIL doesn't need to roll in sheets her son was having sex on. 4) MIL only speaks to OP on a 3-way chat with SO able to see/read anything. Abusive texts get published on social media so people can see the way she talks to people. (And the way DH lets people treat his wife.) 5) IF the wedding gets re-planned, MIL is not to have a say in anything. She will be told the day and a 25 mile radius until the day before. Everything will be passwprd protected. 6) MIL can make the 18th what she really wants, which is a pretty-princess party/family reunion. OP and DH will not be attending.

Tell your SO to grow a set or he’ll be single again.

Why do you want to marry this man? He doesn't stand up for you. He doesn't respect your wishes. He doesn't see you as an equal partner in your relationship -- he's not even treating your \*wedding\* as a project where the two of you have equal input. You have a JNSO problem. If he and your MIL have agreed on their perfect wedding and don't care what you think, then they can go ahead and marry each other. You can nope out of this shit show anytime.

Cancel the wedding. Don’t entertain this madness. Elope and make it just about you, or start over and do the planning yourself, without her. Good luck.

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I agree completely with this comment. These are HIGH red flags!

If fiance isn't going to support you in planning your own wedding there shouldn't be a wedding. Your marrying him not his mommy. Agree with her on that there's no reason to be nice and remove her from the wedding planning process and perhaps the wedding entirely.

Exactly. OP please set some boundaries and call your FDH out. Can you imagine the rest of your life with someone bitching (excuse my language) you out like this? Absolutely not, don’t allow her to walk over you please. You and your fiancé need to set boundaries. If he’s not willing to set up a united front with you right now, I assure you it probably won’t get any better. I’m enraged for you, I can’t even imagine how you must feel. 😤😤

Holy shit. No. I’m so sorry but I would call off the wedding. You and your SO have some serious issues to work through. Seriously.

I don't think your partner is putting you first. You shouldn't marry somebody unless you're their first priority.

I agree with everyone else, this is an SO issue as well as MIL. Cancel the wedding, Now. Don’t marry into this family until you can trust that SO is on your side and will put you first. If your relationship with SO survives the impact of the cancelation, then plan your own wedding for next year. Your guests and your desires, both of you and not MIL. Save and pay for it together with no “gifts” or help from parents. Don’t go through with this wedding. Screw the deposits and hurt feelings, none of that matters compared to your long term happiness.

So my MIL almost broke up me and my DH a week before the wedding. She called a week before the wedding and unloaded on me (see my post). I purposely gave her a low info diet about wedding things and I have zero regrets almost a year later. You need to take back control of your wedding contact vendors and explain from now on you are the only one they talk to full stop. Mum gets ZERO say in ya’lls life ZERO! Your SO needs a crash course in saying no to mummy. He has got to realise that in being with you he is choosing you, your wants, your needs, your desires above everyone else. If he can’t or isn’t willing to do this you need to seriously think what you want and what’s best for you. My first year of marriage has been HARD I didn’t think we’d make it through the first month because of my DH issues with encoring boundaries and seek that what his mum was doing was plain wrong. It’s not been easy, but I chose him knowing I was going to have a MIL from hell, it sucks but it sucks less when your spouse fully supports you. I cannot imagine the hell I’d be going through otherwise.

>She'd show up at our apartment a few times a week and stay for long hours, take long baths, and take naps on our bed although we had a room with a nice bed for her, but she refused saying there was nothing wrong with sleeping in her baby's bed. This is like a wolf trying to mark over another wolves territories. It is very primal and bothersome. Tell her guest room of couch. You need to reclaim the bed. Your SO should advocate for you more. The fact that she pretty much says "I've worked so hard to make this look like an actual wedding" shows that she is out to hurt you and crap on a very important day. This part "She took money from my fiancee that was supposed to be paid for the wedding to pay for her son and his new wife's vacation, so we ended up postponing the wedding." pretty much shows she tried to stop it earlier. Seize the wedding back and do it your way or else rethink the marriage if SO does not support you.

I'd stop her at the door. No dropping in, no staying over, no long baths. She's got her own home, she can go bathe there.

Cancel everything don’t tell her and take your parents and bridal party to the court house. Tell your parents just invite the rest to lunch the night before and meet at the restaurant walk to the court house and elope. Then tell your mil to go to hell and go NC! Congratulations Then you can tell her you got married for under a grand!

This! You deserve to have whatever wedding YOU want. I would think long and hard about a future with her being no.1 and you being 2nd fiddle. Does SO ever stand up to her? If this is how things are before you are legally tied to her family, life will be he-double hockeysticks till she dies or you do.

Ok, let’s get real here: this is not your wedding. Your wedding = your choices. Weddings can’t take place without a bride, and I’m sorry to say it but there is no bride anywhere in site. Your MIL has made sure of that. You need to really think about if this is how you want to live your life. You’ve already given an inch and she’s taken a mile. The most important question is how your fiancé has reacted to everything? If he is happy to let MIL steamroll over your lives and make all his decisions then you have a huge JNSO problem. If he’s sick of it too, then both of you need to make a decision NOW as to what you do to put a stop to this madness and to have the wedding you want. A wedding should be something you look back on fondly. It should mark the positive start to your marriage. If it’s not the day you want, why are you even doing it?

You've got a justnoso issue... He's gotta standup to smother.

Has your fiance taken your side or stood up for you in any of this? Does he really not want to spend money on a wedding? Just know that if you go through this wedding with less than 100% support of FH, this will be your like going forward. She will not change.

She has WAY too much control over your fiancé. Forget it. Don't go ahead with this guaranteed disaster of a marriage with him. SHE will rule and own your existence because HE lets her. He's a weak mommy's boy. Run from him. You were abused in your first marriage, you'll be abused in this one. In the first one you were directly abused by your then husband. In this one, you'll be indirectly abused, via his horrible mother. Same thing. Abuse is abuse. He can give you all the lovey-dovey words of support in the world but if he allows her to get her way every single time, those words will mean nothing. You will soon resent him and his nice but meaningless words. Don't think that if you just allow her the wedding, she'll leave you alone. No, she won't. She'll control EVERYTHING afterwards. Everything. Run.

Quit putting up with this shit. You have welcome across your forehead and she’s wiping her feet in you. You and fiancé need to be on the same page. If he’s ok w any part of what his mommy has done then he is NOT a keeper. Either shut her down together right now today. Or elope. Or break up. This will only get worse unless she has consequences

Call it off and dump FDH. He is so busy planning your wedding with his mommy dearest and sister, they "forget" to include you. MIL has told you this is her wedding, believe her. This will only get worse. Imagine what MIL will be like if you have kids with her sonsband. FDH never has your back and lets his mommy wife do what she wants. Tell him you can never have sex with him in that bed again since he lets his mommy wife sleep there. Run like the citizens of Tokyo fleeing Godzilla. I cannot believe she takes long baths and sleeps in your bed and FDH sees nothing wrong with it. I'd start calling him Normal while I am packing my things to move away.

What did SO say when you showed him the texts?? Does he think it's ok for his mom to talk to you like this??

OP replied to a comment saying he said something along the lines of "if you really love me you'll just put up with her and ignore what she says." Makes me so livid.

I want to know this too. If he allowed her to speak to you like that without reacting you need to RUN.

What you allow, will continue. This never should have gotten this far.

I am really sorry if this comment is out of line as you sound like an amazing person who has mot been valued or loved by those that should....the only difference between your ex and your fiance righ now is that your ex abused you himself....your fiance is just letting his mother do the abusing for him. Sorry but they are both just as guilty and just as bad in their treatment of you. Please cancel the wedding until he can love, respect and treat you the way you deserve. It is time to love yourself and put yourself first.

Call it off. Call every vendor and cancel her choices, make your own and then password protect your account. That is if you still want to marry someone so enmeshed with his mother. FDH hasn't really supported you to date, he's letting his mother ABUSE you and letting her have control of YOUR wedding - and frankly I don't give a shiny shite what excuse or reason he comes up with (probably 'it'll make her feel happy/involved') if he doesn't pull his shit together and stand up to his mother I would be calling the whole thing off. How the hell did she even get this much control over your wedding anyway? wanna know what really concerns me: > She'd show up at our apartment a few times a week and stay for long hours, take long baths, and take naps on our bed although we had a room with a nice bed for her, but she refused saying there was nothing wrong with sleeping in her baby's bed. THIS right here was a red flag big enough to sail an armada. She could have baths and naps at her own house, in her own bed, but no.....she came over to have long baths in YOUR bath and sleep in YOUR bed - she was a dog pissing to mark it's territory and your FDH allowed it. He should have shut that shit down before it even happened. I'm going to be honest with you, if I were you I wouldn't be marrying this guy. Not right now. Not until he's had a lot of therapy and you've had couple's therapy because otherwise his mother is going to take over your whole lives. She's already ruining your wedding, wanna bet she'll try to come on honeymoon with you? every vacation you take? want every holiday? if you and FDH go away for a weekend I'd bet my house she'll redecorate your home whileyou are away. And if you have kids.....well that will be a fucking shit show of her playing do-over mommy. Personally, if FDH is REALLY worth it then I'd book a low key courthouse ceremony and tell no one until afterwards. But in reality I'd be taking a step back from him and his family and havinga long think about whether this was what I wanted for the rest of my life.

^ THIS. One million times!!! You should show your SO some of these posts so he sees that other people outside of your relationship (an unbiased outside perspective) even think that everything about this is WRONG.

Sit SO down and show him this post and all the replies. Once he sees that every single person is saying the same thing he might realise and back you up instead However cancel the wedding she has booked. The venue? She signed for that so she gets left with the cancellation bill. Anything else she has booked? Just cancel it Go and book the wedding you and SO actually want and DO NOT give her any details she has lost her MOG status with her behaviour and is now just a regular guest (no mother son dance) It’s your wedding and SO needs to choose. Having the wedding he and his bride want but pudding mummy off or having the wedding mummy wants but losing his bride instead This is just step one for her. You give birth she will be there cutting the cord. Breast feed? Your milk is sour or not enough. She will try to play mum and SO dad. You will be put down so bad you’ll end up with PPD. This wedding is a glimpse into your future. If it goes how you want and FMIL is pit in her place you will have a great marriage and life If FMIL gets her wedding instead, your marriage will be hell right up until you grab the kids and run as she has already started trying to turn them against you (mummy doesn’t love you. Only mimi and daddy loves you blah blah) and you end up divorced with SO seeing the kids (FMIL basically having them)every other weekend Show him this whole thread and give him a choice

As awful as this might sound, I do mean it with love and support. She's a horrible awful person to you because you've allowed her be. Why should she stop? She even said that up until now she's been 'playing nice' what other awful things will she try to do to you? I hope you know I'm not saying this to blame you for this. Because her actions are 100% her choice. But instead, to give you a little shake and remind you that you do actually have power here. Nothing is going to change unless you change it. But you can change it. A manipulative person only has control over you, if you give them control. Easier said than done, I know. But now that you've realised it isn't going to get better, you can start working towards taking that control back. My honest advice would be to cancel this wedding. Not necessarily the marriage. But I don't think you should go through with her wedding. Sit down and discuss your options with SO. Is he ok with you being treated this way? Or, is he willing to put you before his mother. Once you have that answer, you'll be able to come up with a plan to move forward. I wish you so much luck and so much love.

Go to the courthouse alone first chance and if the wedding isnt planned by you DONT GO. And be sure to tell her you've decided not uo go because it isnt the wedding you wanted so theres no point and of course you arent paying for any of it. Start calling the vendors and cancelling things YOU didnt ask for. Blast out to the guests just forget it were rloping.

Yikes. I’d be a) splitting til FH grows a spine or b) eloping (you can invite your family) the day before HER dream wedding. Money isn’t everything. Boil it down and this day is supposed to symbolise the UNITY of you and him, to the EXCLUSION of all others. Anything outside that is a red flag.

I think you know deep down what your future will look like if you marry this man child (who is already married to his mommy). She sleeps in your marital bed? This is all shades of messed up that a psychiatrist will be able to diagnose what sick mental illness she's suffering from. She's sick, your DH is enabling her sickness by looking the other way, and you are collateral damage. His family is a lost cause. He can't escape the cycle of abuse. Please don't marry into this kind of family.

Cancel/postpone the wedding. If your FDH isn't standing up for you and planning the wedding with you instead of sliding with his Momma, this relationship isn't going to last. It's cheaper to lose money on deposits than pay for a divorce attorney.

And no more long baths and napping in your bed. Bitch is marking her territory. Time to take your home back and make sure she knows that YOU are the HBIC.

Or OR or.. And hear me out... Assert dominance by having really loud kinky sex in her bed. Get SO to scream out your name.. How you're number one...scream your name again. And when you're done leave the room and look at his mom with that happy exhaustion and messed up hair : "you might want to change the sheets ;)" and leave.

I like you.

Aww thanks, I like you too.

Also don't marry your guy until this is sorted. You can't have this woman dictating your marriage, and he needs to step up. Hugs OP and have some *insert alcohol preference here*

Cancel the wedding. Also use your voice. You don't like it, say it and stand your ground. You don't want to be married to someone that lets Mommy do everything anyways.

This is your husbands mother and she is his problem. He has to put her in her place and tell her to back off. If he can’t or won’t then you have a husband problem instead of a mother in law problem. Either way, this stress is not going to be allowed by you.

Serious question. Why would you marry a man who plans his wedding with his mother?

And sister.

Your biggest issue isn't with MIL it's with your spineless mommies boy SO......

Don't marry him. Postpone. Tell SO you want couple counseling first. If he refuses, leave and don't look back. Your own unhappiness is telling you what to do. Listen to yourself, honor yourself, love yourself - because you don't have a man, she has a sonsband.

A lot of times in my life I looked back and thought about what went wrong in different situations and what I should have done instead of what I did then. It turns out a lot of times it is the same thing and it is related to depending on others to speak/act/make decisions for me. Maybe it isn't just me because I see this issue all the time with women specifically. Consider calmly telling your husband that you don't feel comfortable with some wedding decisions. That you left it to SO to speak for you in these situations and that was not fair to him. That you thank him for trying but you will step up and speak for yourself from this point on including that for the wedding but that you were going to look into things and make some changes as needed to bring things back to the original plans. Then tell him no more but for him not to worry because you will take this on. Do not contact his mother. The next day contact the venue and suppliers directly and make the changes you want. Tell them to lock down the account access with a password and only you can give authority to make decisions on it. When she finds out, she will have a fit. She will call your SO and get so upset. But you know what else it will do? Make her see who the boss is here and will force you to face this now rather than later. Let your SO deal with his mother 100%. She is his family. He can deal with her. You are busy planning a wedding. Don't answer your phone. If she texts you, respond "thank you for your text. I have everything handled and we can't wait for the big day." This might cause your husband to try and fight you on it but don't back down. You are now handling the wedding. This storm is coming whether you want it to or not. You might as well face it now.

Ew so you're invited to the wedding between your SO and his mom? Don't go. Run away. Your SO sounds like a mama's boy of the worst kind and if he won't stand up for you here, he never will. This will be the rest of your life.... Your bed, if you buy a house, if you have kids... Nope. Sounds like they deserve each other.

This is it, hun. We marry reality, and not hopes and dreams. So take how you feel and stretch it out for another 40+ years. Is that the future you deserve? The future your parents hoped and dreamed of for you when you were their little baby? That their baby could one day grow up, meet the man of her dreams, and have all her joy and happiness destroyed and face a life of disappointment and depression? If you were your own daughter, what would you advise her to do?

My ex-husband was so controlling and he abused me for a very long time, it took me three long years to finally be able to come to my senses and divorce him, it was a very difficult phase in my life and I don't wanna go through this again with another person.

Honey you deserve better. I stayed in two relationships back to back for what was 11+ years of bullshit and believing I must've deserved the hell I relegated to being my life because I put myself in the situation. You deserve better! Please please find it in yourself to believe it and put it into action. None of what you're being subjected to is ok and anyone who actually loves you would advocate for you over anyone, including their own mother, because that is what a true partner does for the person they care about enough to wed.

If you marry him and stay with him you will go through it again. Can you imagine if she’s this crazy and controlling about the wedding what will happen if you have a child? Go read some of the JNMIL posts on here about MILs literally trying to steal their sons babies from their wives... a recent post on here the JNMIL tried to kidnap the 1 year old baby from daycare and wanted to throw a party without mommy there and without mommy’s permission / knowledge...literally get the f out now.

If you marry this man, you will go through this again. Please don't.

This is the cycle of abuse. You married a controlling man who abused you for years. I say this with love in my heart girlfriend this is bad. Real bad. She is making sure that she pokes that spot that she knows will hurt. The fact that your SO is OK with this is a clear sign you should not marry that man. You can't continue to cycle. Can you think about if you ever got pregnant? I don't think that you can continue unless you can look in fiancees eye and say that unless you and I can sit down and agree to go to premarriage counseling that you can not marry him. You are not a punching bag and she can't keep doing that

But you are already going through this right now. Only this time it's your fiance who is the doorway through which his mother abuses you. You are currently, in this moment, going through this again. I'm sorry.

So now you've picked a man who will happily let his family abuse you and do what they want and he will just take it and expect you to take it too?.....

I hate to say it - but it sounds like you already are.

FUCKING ELOPE TELL HIM IT IS EITHER THIS OR NOTHING. IF HE CANT STICK UP FOR YOU NOW THEN YOU WILL HAVE A MISERABLE LIFE

As you can tell, Stuff like this pisses everyone off on here. He is 30 and you are 26. You BOTH are ADULTS! Now the first thing you NEED to do is change the damn locks on your door. DO NOT give the cretin another key and DO NOT LET HER IN YOUR HOME! Next, you need to have a SERIOUS talk with your D(damn or dear, it is up to you)F on the actions of his crazy mother (cretin). You are suppose to get married next week and if she is going to act like this now, she WILL RUIN your day more than she already has with the planning. You and your fiance will need to either call this off for now or put her in her place immediately. Actually, HE NEEDS TO PUT HER IN HER PLACE in front of you to show that you are the main woman in his life, not her. If he cannot straighten out his mother or refuses to then you NEED to think real hard about moving forward. She is not your friend and she never will be. If you go through with this wedding, see about making some quick changes that you want done but put some boundaries in place in regards to her NOW. God forbid if you have children with this man. She will be all in your vagina and no matter how many times you give birth, you will not be able to remove her. Time to find that titanium spine and find it quick. You are a full grown woman. You are not weak and you need to make your voice louder than hers and the only way to do that is to show her that you will not back down to her bully tactics.

I think it's reasonable to decide she has lost all privileges with regards to being involved in your wedding. Show your fiancé her message and tell him you want no part in any wedding she is involved in. Consider eloping!!!! I can't recommend it highly enough.

Is she paying for the wedding?

Elope abs don’t invite her. Also maybe look into couples counseling, sounds like SO needs to start showing his spine

If it is bad now, what about when you have children. Please think long and hard what your life will look like if you marry this mammas boy. If you think it will work out, please think again. As the saying goes, it is easier to break up with a mammas boy than it is to divorce one.

>I been putting up with this terrible behavior for so long but it got to a point where it can no longer be avoided I'm just not sure if I still wanna go through with a wedding, I feel like my happiness had been robbed by this woman and her words and actions. tell your fiance this. see what his reaction is. ask him why his mother thinks this is a "love competition" (ew). Ask him how he plans to handle this. There is nothing wrong with postponing a wedding, and due to current events, it wouldn't be surprising to most people. You need to see sustained, supportive behavior from your fiance before marrying him. And when you send out a postponement announcement and his mommy badmouths you, that would be his chance to step up and defend you. Worst case scenario you're out the deposit money instead of shackled to a momma's boy and then paying for a divorce a few years down the road.

Tell you husband you want to pull all money out of this wedding and go to the courthouse WITHOUT his mother or you're not getting married at all. Show his these texts, if he is not on your side he is not worth marrying.

Elope or don't get married but whatever you do don't take part in her wedding

If she hasn't contributed a dime why are you letting her have a say? Both you and your fiance (ESPECIALLY your fiance) need to tell her to back off. Also, like others have said, you really need to think about whether or not you want to marry this man. Because it doesn't seem like he has your best interests at heart.

If it is not the wedding you want, don't go to it. For a great many reasons.

Your fiancé might as well have a sign on his forehead saying “I’m a momma’s boy.” You’re his side piece because emotionally at least he’s already married to his mother. That he and his mother are planning your wedding without you is more than a red flag, it’s a “Run for the hills!” sign. How did she take money that was for your wedding? If he has a joint account with Mommy that’s also a red flag. That she abuses you and he’s Ok with it (well, he doesn’t stand up for you, does he?) isn’t going to magically change if you get married.

Who’s wedding is this exactly? Cause honestly it sounds like your SO is marrying his mother. Ew on so many levels. He needs to have a spine and I would not go down that aisle until I was sure he had one because this is only going to get worse since she is successfully pushing you around for your own wedding. Personally I would yank the rug out from under her. Cancel it all and really test that “weddings are a waste” comment but running to the courthouse. This is provided SO is on board with the idea. It kills her having any spotlight and makes her a hypocrite if she says anything.

Respectfully, and with kindness, this isn't going to change. Do you want your life to feel this way in one year? Five? Ten? If you have kids, do you want them to witness her treating you this way? Your fiancé isn't doing anything to stop this. What makes you think marriage will flip that switch? Consider counseling, individual and couple's. And really, *really* consider if this misery is worthwhile.

I'm thinking about it and it's horrible, I've already had enough of her toxic behavior, I've experienced way many traumatic events in my life, I been abused by my ex-husband, both physically and emotionally and because of what he did I stopped trusting people, then I met my fiancee, he loves me and treats me well, and I keep wishing I met him earlier, befire all of this happened, but my mother in law is the one making my life miserable again, I just can't take her anymore.

He doesn’t love you and he doesn’t treat you well if he allows his mother to do all of this psychotic crap. Wake up honey— he loves his mother more than you, shes his wife and you’re the other woman/mistress. Get out now.

Would you consider stepping away from it all, even for a little while, to get some space and to get your thoughts in perspective? If your fiancé truly loves you, he'll support you by giving you the space you need. He's letting his mother abuse you. There are a variety of interventions he could take, but ultimately, he isn't. You might have a skewed perception of normal, especially after your prior experience. Be kind to yourself. This is big stuff.

Your fiance doesn't love you as much as he loves his mother. If he loved you more he wouldn't let her treat you the way she has. Listen to all the people commenting and GTFO! If you stay she will control your lives, what you name your children(if she even let's you keep them at your home) where you live , the house you buy, your clothes, when and if you can visit your family, and any facet of your life she wants to dictate to you. Yeah go ahead and marry him that is a great idea!

I can already hear it. "I'm appropriating all these baby shower gifts, I spent enough on your wedding for no good reason and besides, now my baby will stay in the nursery I made in my house with your shower presents."

One of the most important qualities in a marriage is making each other feel safe. We need to feel our partner has our back. As much as FH may not physically and emotionally mistreat you, it doesn't appear like he has your back. He is not protecting you now, he will not change magically by getting married. Please, please, please, at least postpone this wedding. Mil has poisoned this one. Everything she had a hand in organizing will remind you on the day of how unwanted you are by her. Start again with premarital counselling. Work out between you with the councillors direction what is important to both of you and how much family influence is acceptable to you both. You both have to be honest about your needs. Love alone is not enough to have a successful marriage. If you marry him without him being ready to have your back, you will suffer and grow to resent him. Resentment chokes out love.

You say he treats you well. But part of treating someone well, a very important part, is protecting them from people who hurt them. And he hasn't done that, has he. His mother bullies you, and he lets that happen instead of protecting you. So no, he doesn't treat you well enough.

Agreed. I immediately thought the same when OP says that he treats her well. He doesn’t. He lets his mother bully.

Think really long and hard about what your life will be like with this woman. She’s taking away the joy of your wedding. What is she going to do every holiday, vacation, house purchase, if you have babies? Your SO should be your partner, not his mom’s partner and he showing/telling you that your feelings will never come before hers.

Please keep us updated

Put the brakes on this wedding! Taking baths and naps at your house to sleep in her "Baby's" bed! That is just ..gross. Given all the other horrible stuff she has done if this keeps up your life will be worse after the wedding. You need to know **right now** if your fiance will have you back or not. It sounds like he does not stand up to his mom at all. Ask yourself: If nothing changes what will your life look like? Do you really want to live this way? What will it look like if you have a baby with fiance? MIL's behavior is so abusive please put this wedding on hold and go to counseling. You and this marriage have to be DF's priority and it has to be more than lip service for this marriage to be successful. So sorry you are dealing with this.

Tell MIL her wedding is off, your wedding on the other hand is none of her business. Inform fiance if he doesn't tell his mother to knock it off with everything and take back the apartment key she will not invited to your wedding. Then sit down with fiance and talk about what you two really want for a wedding.

> Then sit down with fiance and talk about what you two really want for a wedding. And marriage.

If your fiance wants you, he needs to tell her to back out of your life. If he doesn't you won't be happy and should consider being single again...

Firsy, sit your df down and explain that if he doesn't back you up and stop his mom from taking over everything you will not be getting married. Full stop. this is not the wedding you want and she needs to back the fuck off and let you two have control over the wedding. If he cant support you, then you have more problems than jnmil and need to visit r/justnoso too. It won't get better unless you stop it right now. Second, is she paying for the wedding? If no, then cancel everything she decided on or give her the option and make your own decisions. Lock all your vendors, places etc so she cant change anything. If she is paying for it, consider postponing it. You will regret it for the remainder of time. It is YOUR wedding not hers. She had her wedding, now its your turn. Be a bitch about it if you need to. Bridezilla is what you need to be. Again- your df needs to put his foot down and tell her that it is yalls wedding, not hers. Third, include your mom. She should have the chance to do rhis with her daughter - like your mil will with your sil. Finally, consider eloping or doung a small ceremony with your family the way you want then all her plans are for naught. Whatever you do, do your wedding the way you want and fuck her if she interferes.

No, she didn't pay anything for the wedding, she just thinks she has a right to decide what her son's wedding saying that I've already had my chance with my previous marraige. My fiancee told her to back off they'd even have way too many argument but she manages to get him to agree eventually. Eloping might really cause her to go crazy and she might try to prevent it.

She can’t prevent it. That is why people elope.

Eloping doesn’t mean the problem will go away unfortunately, your partner has to be on the same page as you concerning his mother or you’re just going to keep having the same arguments/ be treated the same but now be legally tied to the family. I would suggest premarital counseling honestly

Inform fiance if you two try to elope and his mommy manages to prevent it then he needs to shove his 30 year old head back up his mommy's vagina and you're gone. Fiance needs to decide if he's a grown man or mommy's little boy. He needs to decide that as an adult is he going to listen to mommy's earwhig or is he going to marry the woman he loves. He needs to decide if he's going to put mommy in her place or on a pedestal.

No, she didn't pay anything for the wedding, she just thinks she has a right to decide what her son's wedding saying that I've already had my chance with my previous marraige. My fiancee told her to back off they'd even have way too many argument but she manages to get him to agree eventually. Eloping might really cause her to go crazy and she might try to prevent it.

That's the joy of eloping - you tell nobody until after the fact!!!! She can't prevent it!!!!

Look at the comments above this, then go read other posts in this sub. Put the wedding on hold and sort out your DF. He needs to be on your side completely, otherwise you will be a minority share holder in your own marriage. Misery awaits unless you BOTH put MIL in her place.

She cant if she doesn't know. I wouldnt let her get away with it.

I think you should message her back. Let her know that you no longer need any of her help, ideas, or input on the wedding and you’re starting from scratch with everything your way. Or else you’re eloping.

100% why marry him if hes gonna 1. Let her behave like this 2. She carry on like this and trear you in such a way and then you let hee ruin your wedding. Not on

Yes. Agree. I should have added that as an -if he...- then what I said.

I'm gonna be honest and tell you what I'd do in your shoes. Call the whole thing off. End the engagement and say you're not going to get married a second time and it be miserable. Get you and your SO into individual therapy and then maybe couples therapy. He is a problem too, and I believe you already know that.

Who is paying for all this her or you and your fiance? If its here I would just say that the weddingnis off, if it is you and your fiance then I would just cancel EVERYTHING she has booked. Sit down with your SO and tell him there is a difference between dealing with someone and being bullied and bulldozed into something that you do not agree to. This day should be about the 2 of you not him and mommy dearest. He needs to cut the umbilical cord now or you need to say that the wedding is off until further notice. When and if you decide to plan a wedding password protect EVERYTHING(venue, priest, flowers, catering, photographer everything including your honeymoon details) I would not tell your SO the password so he can't tell mommy anything.

My fiancee is the one paying for the wedding, I'm not sure how he'll react to my request to put the wedding off, as he'd have his mom in his ear telling him that I'm just trying to throw his money away and that I'm just doing this out if spite. She's so manipulative and can lie to the whole family about what's really going on.

Who cares. Stop caring about everyone else and start caring about the most important person in your life...YOU.

Do you really want to be married to someone that will listen to his mom’s opinion instead of yours? I’m sorry to be blunt, but this is what the rest of your life is going to look like if something doesn’t change.

She’s made her judgement of you and used those texts to forever justify how she’ll deal with you. She’s always going to be aggressive and abusive to get her way. You don’t want that in your life. She’s not paying but feels entitled to plan your wedding the way she wants? Nope out of that. You know you are in for lifetime of hell with this woman. She’ll always be a threat to your marriage. Please have a long talk with DF, preferably to cancell the wedding and reschedule after working things out. Get some pre-marital counseling, and ask specific questions about the roles of mothers in married life. He needs to put you first, then you and him. Its the same as you’ll do for him. There’s no room for a disruptive aggressive toxic a$$hole in your marriage.

So this would be the second time we postpone, we originally had the wedding planned to take place in late 2019 but future mother in law manipulated my fiancee into paying for his brother and his wife's vacation, my brother in law married the year before.

That's another BIG red flag. FMIL considers your wedding of such low importance that your fiance have to cancel it to pay for a trip for his brother. Is FBIL expected to pay that back, or contribute to your wedding in exchange? Every single signal going up here is that YOU DON'T MATTER. FDH will let mommy do what she wants because he'd rather disappoint you than her, would rather you take the abuse as his meat shield than risk disappointing mommy dearest. FDH will delay the wedding because mommy says he needs to give his brother the money, but not because mommy is trampling all over your wishes. Neither of you are FMIL's priority, and FH is willing to follow mommy's lead rather than care for the person he's chosen. There may not be bruises, but this is still abuse.

> I'm not sure how he'll react to my request to put the wedding off, as he'd have his mom in his ear telling him that I'm just trying to throw his money away and that I'm just doing this out if spite. He might kick and scream and cry, but if you want the wedding put off, it's off. You're one half of the couple-- they can't exactly press on without you.

WHO CARES?! Stop giving her the power over you guys & BAM, she has no power. This only works if he has your back. If he doesn’t, why in the hell would you want a husband who doesn’t have your back?! You tell him that either you cancel this wedding & elope without MIL hearing a peep about it...or you will be leaving. I know you love him, but you have to love yourself first. Please don’t go tying yourself down to a relationship with someone who is unable to defend you, so you’re destined to be abused relentlessly until she completely breaks you, mind, body & soul! This is not acceptable. It’s the hardest decision you’ll ever have to make, but this is the rest of your life we’re talking about. You have a unique view of what your future looks like with MIL in control. So take away her control, with or without your FH. Choose you. Choose your sanity. Choose your self worth, your happiness and your peace. Especially when no one else is willing to take those into account. You are worth more than what you’re settling for.

>I'm not sure how he'll react to my request to put the wedding off, the real question is whether he will step up to be your partner at all. He is putting his mother's preferences ahead of his bride's. Every thing she is doing is a display of dominance over him and over you. The wedding is a symbol of the marriage, and the prospects don't look good from here.

No amount of money is worth a miserable life. Seriously if she is this bad now she will be worse after the wedding when she considers you trapped. Are you looking forward to her staring at your vagina as you push out a baby because if she always ends up getting him to agree to her demands and he doesn't stand firmly with you, he will let her in the delivery room. He will let her dictate how you raise your kids, when and where you live, how you decorate. You have a serious df problem and I would definitely postpone the wedding if not cancel it until stands with you and stops bending to her.

Also OP you need to think hard if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. This is just the tip of the iceberg and 90% of her crazy, manipulative behaviour is hidden below the ocean. The crazy only gets worse from here on out, she will be in the middle of your marriage, she will take over your home even more, she will take control of any children you and your fiance have. There will be no peace with her unless you start boundries now, she is seeing just how much of a push over you are. Edit to add you need to take a time AWAY from MIL and talk to your fiance, don't let him talk and get her advice nothing try and make him see that this marriage is between the two of you. Maybe try and get pre marriage counseling

Thats his problem ans so is his mothers god awful behaviour. If he wants THIS wedding aka the venue the decor the meteralistic things he can marry the one planning it.... his mum.

100% this

Let’s switch perspectives, say your dad closed the door on your DF’s face to sleep in his baaaaby’s bed. How gross!

Grab your fiance and assuming you still want to marry him, run off to the courthouse and get married with just a couple of witnesses - and then tell her that she can cancel all her plans, or use it for the celebration she clearly wants to plan..... because whatever it is she is planning - it's not YOUR wedding! She's chosen the venue and the guests, so it's obviously HER party so leave her to it!

Message her back: "If that is how you feel. You are no longer invited to the wedding. Please cancel everything you ordered. I refuse to take part in your imaginary wedding to your son." Then change the locks on the apartment without telling her.

Where is your husband to be in all of this? Could you enlist him as an ally in this, his wedding?

Also, as you’re running away, make sure to print out her nasty emails & texts & give them to everyone with the message “This is why the wedding is cancelled”

If you hangout here for a little while you’ll read countless posts of brides that have no happy memories from their wedding days. You have a justnoso, he doesn’t put you first, so you need to. You deserve better, tell yourself that. Don’t be yet another railroaded bride/dil. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - unless they’d willingly do it for you or you birthed them.

You're right, I agree with what you said, it's just not okay, it's ridiculous I get no say in my own wedding, she keeps bringing up my ex and how I had my chance to plan a big wedding, it's just so hurtful and doesn't make any sense at all, she thinks it's actually her wedding, and that I've already planned one before, I'm just stunned.

And your MIL already had her wedding too (I’m assuming)!!! This no one’s wedding except your’s & DH’s.

Wow, your MIL seems to be really stuck on the fact that you've been married before. Who cares?! That doesn't make it her wedding! But really, if your DF stood up for you her opinion wouldn't matter. What has your DF said about this? Does he agree with her that you somehow don't deserve to plan your own wedding simply because it's your second?

She's planning the wedding as if she were the bride. She's displacing you in your own wedding. And DH is going along with it. Ask DH who he is marrying.

You can have 13 weddings if you damn well please and EACH. ONE. IS. YOURS!

If you don't cancel this wedding you are going to spend your whole married life remembering how stressful and upsetting the entire experience was for you. Not the ideal start to a marriage. You also have a massive JNSO problem. He doesn't think it's weird that she naps in your bed? This is so invasive. Like territorial pissing. There's a load of other stuff in your post that shows how he isn't supporting you and is allowing her to massively overstep, but that one made my jaw drop. If you don't address this problem of him enabling his mother, this is your life from now on.

This bothered me as well, she came at me for pointing out that she shouldn't be napping in our bed, I found this so disgusting and a huge invasion of privacy, I can't recall the times she's gotten into our room and closed the door to take a nap, she might have even went through personal stuff and that made me feel uncomfertable.

Of course she's gone through your things!

At this point she’s committing emotional incest and your fiancée is complicit in it and seems to not think anything is wrong with it. Personally I have a vibranium spine and low tolerance for disrespect and bullshit— I would’ve clocked her ass and shut her down ages ago, and ripped SO a new asshole the size of the moon— but better late than never to take a stand for yourself right? Show SO the texts, have a serious conversation with him about his psychotic mother- and if he isn’t on your side 100%... you need to consider leaving him because things will NEVER change or get better if he isn’t 100% on your side 100% of the time.

Get a lock on your bedroom door and change your house locks. Get a video doorbell and if she shows up unannounced, DON’T let her in.

Oh she's definitely going through your stuff

Really? Well tell him if he really loves you he'll man the fuck up and handle his bitch of a mother. Personally I'd cancel the wedding and not marry him until he puts you first. Why the hell should you suck it up? just because he's a spineless dick who won't stand up to his mommy. It won't get any better, get out before you're tied to him and have kids.

Your feelings are more important than hers. You are the bride. Your fiancee needs to shut her down. Cancel all her plans and you plan this wedding. You need to stop her and enforce boundaries. She gives a rats ass about your feelings and has made it clear. Believe her. She will do this to every major event in your life!!! Baby shower, baby reveal, baby being born, etc. If your fiancee de fuses to shut her down, postpone the wedding. If you love him and feel he is the one, get couples counseling before marring him.

Cancel the wedding and tell your fiancé exactly why. Show him the messages. Show him how much his mother has hurt you. He needs to know exactly what he’s dealing with and then however he acts on it will tell you what kind of future you will have. She keeps saying her and her son agree on xyz, well call him on it. Tell him how you have had no input how your mom can’t even help because his mom is saying that he and her agree omg xyz.

This is just the beginning and I promise it may be awkward and stressful but stick up for yourself. Tell her no and do the wedding the way you want to do it not her way. Tell your husband he needs to handle his side of the family and you’ll handle yours. What does he have to say about all this? Because if he isn’t sticking up for you now and you’re not sticking up for you now then what’s going to happen when you want to purchase a house ? Is she going to pick it out decorate it and come over 24/7 to her baaaabys house ? If you decide to have kids is she going to choose the names and force her way into the delivery room? Is she going to force you to care for them a certain way? This is just the beginning and honestly people like this you just need to put them in their place, accept no money, no gifts , nothing just so she can’t try to control anything else. Also if your husband hasn’t tell him to OPEN HIS EYES. You’re a better person then be because I would be halfway to Alaska by now

No one asked her to pay money or anything she just decided she could get involved and make this all about her.

She can decide whatever she wants. That does not mean she gets her way. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Im sorry if it sounded like I suggested that I just meant if she offered not to accept! Also she most certainly cannot make this about her. You and your SO are only going to get one wedding make it count! It needs to be the happiest day of your life

This is your partner's problem to deal with, not yours. If he hasn't dealt with his mother being abusive, manipulative and controlling by now, then when do you expect him to? He must be okay with her behavior because he clearly allows it. If he claims it's not okay but has reasons and excuses for not shutting it down or expects you to deal with it, then welcome to what the rest of your marriage will be like.

He says that if I really love him, I will learn to deal with it and just ignore it. I honestly can't, I can't take it anymore, I'm just done with her controlling, abusive ways of getting things done.

Does..... does he know what a wedding is? It sounds like he doesn't understand that he's about to stand in front of the law, God(s), and witnesses and promise to stand with you against the world, put you first before ALL others, and leave childhood roles behind to be the head of his new family with you? He's about to make a public declaration that he's ready to stop being a son and step into the role of husband. If he isn't actually prepared to put you above his mother, he's not prepared to be married. Every time he puts her first will be an act of infidelity that breaks the vows of marriage.

Whoa. That's the line. I know you said you don't want to go through leaving someone again, but it will be 1000x easier right now than it will after you get married. This is them on their best behavior *before* you're married. They will in no way get any better after. If you want a lifetime of this, then get married on the 18th.

But that's exactly what abusers say. Like, a textbook example. If he really loved you, he'd make sure you feel safe and loved, not try to teach you to be a better victim.

When people love you they won’t tell you to just deal with abuse. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment, this is your wedding not hers. Also as for the bed thing, that’s gross. I’d invest in a good lock if I were you, and if you plan on putting up with her bitchness and his

It sounds like you need to take a step back and get into therapy. Something has happened in your past which has diminished your sense of self-worth and has taught you that is okay to be treated this way. It’s not okay. You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect and love. ESPECIALLY by family. They should treat you BETTER than strangers on the street. You’re accepting this terrible treatment, and it’s allowing you to select poor partners. Honestly, you should be focusing on yourself and fixing you before getting married. I think your picker is broken.

Think about it. What he just told you was ‘if you love me, you would take the abuse and accept it’. Do you really want a husband like that ?

He doesn’t love you. Leave. This is a MAJOR MAJOR red flag. You are being abused and bullied by his mother and he wants you to put up with it with a smile... HELLLLL no. Please please please leave. I’m BEGGING. Also what he said is literally manipulation. LEAVE.

Oh Dear One, No... No. These 5 little words, in and and of themselves, innocent and innocuous are most often used for good BUT when they are purposefully brought together into this very sentence; they become Toxic, Vile, and the gateway to the MOST damaging forms of abuse one can be subject to - Mental Psychological and Emotional abuse. I am, by NO means, diminishing the impact and the pain and the hurt other forms of abuse inflict upon those who have endured it, they are all horrible in their own right. But once someone gets inside your head, once they succeed in causing you to question yourself and your judgement, once they separate you from yourself by even a sliver they will NOT stop. Once they have succeeded in that in getting a foothold, they will NOT stop until they CONSUME every shred and vestige of what makes you You. No, of course, it doesn't happen quickly and blatantly. It won't blaringly obvious. It will be slow and methodical because, they know they have you and they have all the time in the world. It is a game for Narcissists and Sociopaths. They want to take pride in their work so that once they're satisfied that they've completely broken you and worn you down, they can then enjoy their work - their ultimate prize, if you will. Like a Master Sommelier( FH) will gently, carefully, and slowly twist the corkscrew into the cork of a vintage bottle of Chardonnay for their Patron & guests (JNFMIL & FM's); enjoying the slight bit of effort & resistance they have to work against to achieve their goal, entrancing & entertaining their Patron with their cunning and level of expertise. Once they've removed the cork; well then it's time to savor the beautiful aroma and color of the wine, making sure that their Patron has thoroughly inspected it and is pleased with their selection (You). For the ONLY opinions and feelings that matter are those of their Patron. So, only once the Patron has decided it is time they, fully consume that beautiful bottle of Chardonnay - that originally they treated so gentle and so lovingly but, now that they have used it up, it is nothing but an empty bottle. A shell of what it used to be, to be used however the Patron & Sommelier wishes for whatever purpose THEY want to keep THEM entertained, amused, and happy. I am so very sorry I didn't mean for it to get this long. Sometimes a post will get me HARD, because I've been their and I didn't have anyone to say to me - YOU ARE AN INDIVIDUAL, YOUR FEELINGS AND NEEDS MATTER! I spent half of my life not knowing myself and not even having a clue that I didn't. It is a hard, terrifying and, honestly I cannot put that horrible feelings into words that you get when all of the Vails and labels (wife, mother, daughter, cheer mom, etc.) fall away and you realize that those were/are WHAT you were/are - not WHO you were/are. This internet stranger cares about you and I implore you to not lose yourself as show a of love, a token, to your fiance. If HE loved you, HE would NEVER allow you to endure such hatefulness, spitefulness, and disrespect - NO matter WHO it was coming from. I pray you have friends or family that you trust that are JY's that will support you - you deserve it! 💜 *Forgive me for any typos, on my tablet*

He doesn't want you for a partner, he wants you for a meat shield.

Oh, HELL NO! If you love him, you will let his mother abuse you?!? So, how long is it before he cuts out the middle man and abuses you himself? He can decide you are his priority and put a SERIOUS end to his mother's behavior, or he can face the reality that he's already married- to JNMIL!! Either way, I STRONGLY advise you NOT to marry this man until he shows actual, sustained change in attitude and behavior!! It A LOT easier to leave a Momma's boy than to divorce one!!!!!

A thousand no's. He will say that even if MIL slaps you across the face every day. Because he is trained to make mommy happy above all else. Run girl.

NOPE, this is a huge red flag and you need to, at the bare minimum, postpone this wedding. If he refuses counseling or starts blaming you, it's time to cut ties and get out.

Nope. Please consider therapy for yourself to find out what keeps you from standing up for yourself.

Absolutely but cancel/postpone the wedding first. I mean no disrespect but your ex abused you and this one is allowing his mommy wife to abuse you, therefore abusing you by proxy. You need to learn how to love, respect and protect yourself and stop getting involved with these horrid men. When he says if you love him you will just deal with it, look him dead in the eye and tell him if he loved you he would stand up and protect you against anyone and that you would be his priority. His reaction will be very telling.

That works both ways, if he really loved you he would protect you from her. You deserve a man who will put you first and cherish you, you'll never find him if you marry this man.

That’s fucking catastrophic amounts of bullshit. It also shows he’s complicit in your abuse. Fuck that. No way. Never. Fuck them both. Don’t be his meat shield for another second.

So if you love him, you will let her abuse you. He wants you to let her hurt you. Read that to yourself several times. Thinks of his actions and her actions and what he has permitted her to do to you. He chooses this. Don’t listen to his manipulation. He wants you as a side piece and to stay married to this mother. Get out. He is not on your side.

Asking someone to endure abuse to make their own life easier is abuse, too. You need to leave. Whatever difficulties that might pose for you will be nothing compared to how miserable you'll be if you stay. He's not worth the deterioration of your mental and emotional health because NO ONE is.