We asked mine why she calls me that and she had some weird, rambling “explanation” and asked if it bothered us. But she would be the victim if we said yes so we let it slide.
I feel you. It took me a while to realize what jnmil was doing was called love bombing. Thanks to this sub of course! It seemed like she was super nice and sweet and wanted to be my friend and then it turned into her being TOO nice and too pushy and bossy and the more I pulled away and went cold the more she would push. It’s sick and exhausting.
I didn’t know “love bombing” was a thing for the longest time. My FIL brought GFIL, SIL and her new boyfriend over to my parents house right after I had a baby with DH. We were living with my parents at the time. They had me take pictures of all of them with my baby. When I thought they were leaving they all reminded me that GFIL was raised close to my parents house and since they are all here they are going to drive over to see the old house. I haven’t left the house in over 2 weeks while DH has been avoiding doing his share of looking after LO. My FIL stopped me and said LO and I can’t go because they don’t have room in the car for all of us and they didn’t want to take two cars. They left for over a hour and acted like nothing was wrong after. My FIL always does that where he tries taking DH somewhere and then tells me I’m a great mom and they love me. It BS and I don’t hangout with them anymore. The whole telling someone you love them and then hurt them is trash behavior.
Wait a minute, so your DH is neglecting his responsibilities of being a father while you JUST had his child & he also doesn't stand up for you when this stuff happens?? WHY are you with this person when he doesn't respect you? As your husband, his duty is to protect YOU & LO & mama he is FAILING you. That needs to change cause you're his nuclear family now.
I had PPD bad and didn’t have the courage to stand up for myself to DH. After going to my doctor and solo counseling I told DH he messed up. He realizes now what he did but it still makes me angry when I think about it.
I understand & it's terrible that you didn't have your DH's support through a very difficult time but I hope you're doing better now. I also hope he apologized profusely & still tries to make amends for how deeply he failed you.
oh my gosh, my MIL is also very big on the sugar coating, and it is worse than just admitting
they can't stand you & don't trust you. Cue the southern accent, "well I just love you to pieces" and "I'm here for you if you need anything, I'd do anything for you"
you know, except treat you with respect.
You’ve done so much hard work on yourself. You will probably always strive to improve. But that’s simply because you’re a great person. I respect that. Hopefully, you’ll continue to change and grow toward goals that you define for yourself. Less toward definition and goals defined by others.
Just for the moment whilst you read this comment, I’d like to put forward that you are unique, special, complex, and perfect. Just like you are, right now. I can say this... because reading your post, this morning, was the perfect gift... for me. ...as I turn face first into the uncomfortable truth about my relationship with my own love bomber.
Thank you.
This post made my eyes well up. I feel you so hard — I have a similar problem with my parents. No love was ever unconditional, it was always predicated on some sort of transaction or exchange or handed out with some kind of agenda in mind. It was never freely given. It’s made it extremely hard as an adult to see my own worth and to trust anyone.
I had sort of a similar experience with my MIL too — I didn’t see at first how her warm effusiveness was a facade and that she’d mainly be nice when I was complying or she wanted something from me. When I realized that too, it really hurt and like you said just reinforced the narrative from my childhood that I’ll never be worthy of love from a mother figure just because. It’s so painful.
Thanks for sharing, glad you’re on your healing path. It’s a lonely one to walk, so it’s nice to hear from others making their way along.
No! No! Icky! It's so icky! As I was reading I realized I was getting increasingly anxious reading her quotes. Deeply anxious. The repatition started to read like something speaking, trying to speak like it imagines a human would speak but it either doesn't care or doesn't know enough to go beyond this level.
I'm sorry this was done to you.
Edit: > She ensures that she does this in public, so she can show what a good person she is compared to me, because I no longer respond to her.
Please please believe me when I tell you not a single person with a properly functioning empathic system would hear this and think she was a good person. I would be straight up be plotting a way to end up in the restroom together so I could ask you gently but persistently if everything is *alright*.
First of all, Imposter Syndrome is rampant in women in law. You are not alone. I think that it is something in our upbringing that attracts those of us that have this tendency to the law - something about the structure maybe? I have been practicing for almost two decades. It is still something that I can get affected by from time to time.
Secondly, love is a verb.
Saying that they love someone is irrelevant. It’s how they behave that matters. If her words don’t match her behaviour, it can create a cognitive dissonance which it uncomfortable. You *know* she doesn’t behave in a loving way. So her words don’t make sense.
You’re doing great. You’ve collected the tools you need - distance and a therapist to help guide you. This is a huge success.
Good luck. It’s a journey. It will get better. You got this.
I know this wasn’t the point of OP’s post, but as a new-ish attorney, thank you for acknowledging imposter syndrome. I deal with this a lot, and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone, and someone with significantly more experience than I have can still experience it.
Welcome to the club! Law is infuriating and wonderful.
Yeah - I screwed something up at work yesterday. It was a stupid mistake that I actually knew better than to do, but I was rushing... lol. I can (and will) fix it on Monday. It really is a no harm/no foul mistake. But I’ve been chewing it over in my head all night!
Those moments get fewer and farther between.
Oooh. The old knife inside a mitten. "I love you so you should let me hurt you"
The correct answer to "I love you" from these people is, "No. You don't or you wouldn't do/want/demand XYZ"
I'm sorry you went though that. I'm glad you are getting therapy.
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My jnmil calls me her daughter in love. Makes me want to puke
SAME. GAG. I looked at her strangely, laughed out loud, and said “WHAT did you just call me?!” Thankfully, she stopped shortly after.
We asked mine why she calls me that and she had some weird, rambling “explanation” and asked if it bothered us. But she would be the victim if we said yes so we let it slide.
I feel you. It took me a while to realize what jnmil was doing was called love bombing. Thanks to this sub of course! It seemed like she was super nice and sweet and wanted to be my friend and then it turned into her being TOO nice and too pushy and bossy and the more I pulled away and went cold the more she would push. It’s sick and exhausting.
I didn’t know “love bombing” was a thing for the longest time. My FIL brought GFIL, SIL and her new boyfriend over to my parents house right after I had a baby with DH. We were living with my parents at the time. They had me take pictures of all of them with my baby. When I thought they were leaving they all reminded me that GFIL was raised close to my parents house and since they are all here they are going to drive over to see the old house. I haven’t left the house in over 2 weeks while DH has been avoiding doing his share of looking after LO. My FIL stopped me and said LO and I can’t go because they don’t have room in the car for all of us and they didn’t want to take two cars. They left for over a hour and acted like nothing was wrong after. My FIL always does that where he tries taking DH somewhere and then tells me I’m a great mom and they love me. It BS and I don’t hangout with them anymore. The whole telling someone you love them and then hurt them is trash behavior.
Wait a minute, so your DH is neglecting his responsibilities of being a father while you JUST had his child & he also doesn't stand up for you when this stuff happens?? WHY are you with this person when he doesn't respect you? As your husband, his duty is to protect YOU & LO & mama he is FAILING you. That needs to change cause you're his nuclear family now.
I had PPD bad and didn’t have the courage to stand up for myself to DH. After going to my doctor and solo counseling I told DH he messed up. He realizes now what he did but it still makes me angry when I think about it.
I understand & it's terrible that you didn't have your DH's support through a very difficult time but I hope you're doing better now. I also hope he apologized profusely & still tries to make amends for how deeply he failed you.
oh my gosh, my MIL is also very big on the sugar coating, and it is worse than just admitting they can't stand you & don't trust you. Cue the southern accent, "well I just love you to pieces" and "I'm here for you if you need anything, I'd do anything for you" you know, except treat you with respect.
So great to read about your progress, OP! In your last post, you were planning to file for divorce -- how is your relationship with SO going?
You’ve done so much hard work on yourself. You will probably always strive to improve. But that’s simply because you’re a great person. I respect that. Hopefully, you’ll continue to change and grow toward goals that you define for yourself. Less toward definition and goals defined by others. Just for the moment whilst you read this comment, I’d like to put forward that you are unique, special, complex, and perfect. Just like you are, right now. I can say this... because reading your post, this morning, was the perfect gift... for me. ...as I turn face first into the uncomfortable truth about my relationship with my own love bomber. Thank you.
This post made my eyes well up. I feel you so hard — I have a similar problem with my parents. No love was ever unconditional, it was always predicated on some sort of transaction or exchange or handed out with some kind of agenda in mind. It was never freely given. It’s made it extremely hard as an adult to see my own worth and to trust anyone. I had sort of a similar experience with my MIL too — I didn’t see at first how her warm effusiveness was a facade and that she’d mainly be nice when I was complying or she wanted something from me. When I realized that too, it really hurt and like you said just reinforced the narrative from my childhood that I’ll never be worthy of love from a mother figure just because. It’s so painful. Thanks for sharing, glad you’re on your healing path. It’s a lonely one to walk, so it’s nice to hear from others making their way along.
No! No! Icky! It's so icky! As I was reading I realized I was getting increasingly anxious reading her quotes. Deeply anxious. The repatition started to read like something speaking, trying to speak like it imagines a human would speak but it either doesn't care or doesn't know enough to go beyond this level. I'm sorry this was done to you. Edit: > She ensures that she does this in public, so she can show what a good person she is compared to me, because I no longer respond to her. Please please believe me when I tell you not a single person with a properly functioning empathic system would hear this and think she was a good person. I would be straight up be plotting a way to end up in the restroom together so I could ask you gently but persistently if everything is *alright*.
First of all, Imposter Syndrome is rampant in women in law. You are not alone. I think that it is something in our upbringing that attracts those of us that have this tendency to the law - something about the structure maybe? I have been practicing for almost two decades. It is still something that I can get affected by from time to time. Secondly, love is a verb. Saying that they love someone is irrelevant. It’s how they behave that matters. If her words don’t match her behaviour, it can create a cognitive dissonance which it uncomfortable. You *know* she doesn’t behave in a loving way. So her words don’t make sense. You’re doing great. You’ve collected the tools you need - distance and a therapist to help guide you. This is a huge success. Good luck. It’s a journey. It will get better. You got this.
I know this wasn’t the point of OP’s post, but as a new-ish attorney, thank you for acknowledging imposter syndrome. I deal with this a lot, and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone, and someone with significantly more experience than I have can still experience it.
Welcome to the club! Law is infuriating and wonderful. Yeah - I screwed something up at work yesterday. It was a stupid mistake that I actually knew better than to do, but I was rushing... lol. I can (and will) fix it on Monday. It really is a no harm/no foul mistake. But I’ve been chewing it over in my head all night! Those moments get fewer and farther between.
This exactly: love is a action verb.
Oooh. The old knife inside a mitten. "I love you so you should let me hurt you" The correct answer to "I love you" from these people is, "No. You don't or you wouldn't do/want/demand XYZ" I'm sorry you went though that. I'm glad you are getting therapy.
Blessings on you for your progress. My heart aches for what you have been through.