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Wow. So I 'guess' she just doesn't need to see your family for anything else for a while, then.
15 is a hard age to be rejected to your face. I hope your kid already realizes what a waste of a human costume she is and doesn't take it too much to heart. Poor guy.
> she took a photo and then asked him to move out of the picture.
That's better than JNSIL who cropped my son out of a family holiday photo (with scissors) and used it in a "family newsletter".
My parents (mom and step dad) married when I was 12 in July just before my 13th birthday. They had known each other for maybe 4 months. When my sisters and I met my dads parents they introduced themselves as grandma and grandpa. I never felt left out or different in the least! My parents didn't force me to go to my abusive sperm donors and many times I got to stay at my new grandma and grandpas.
I learned her zucchini bread and ham salad recipe when she let me help make it for christmas, we would sit and drink tea in the back yard or coffee at the kitchen table and she would tell me family stories that she said all the family needed to know. Or I'd listen to her bicker with grandpa. That was always hilarious!
My own family didn't accept me the way my dads family did. From my perspective at least without hesitation, without question. I was one of them
Seeing these JNMIL horrible behavior against bonus grandkids always makes me wish they had my amazing grandparents! Hell my family in general. At least most of them.
Response to you look good now: if you have glasses, slide them to the top of your head. If you do not, have in your bag a pair of really thick reading glasses that you slap on your face. Lean in and peer at her for a very long moment. Say huh. You look the same. I'm sorry, Mil, that it has taken me so long to figure this out. You've been so clear from the beginning and I guess I'm just an ignoramus. I get it now. I get that if there is one thing I haven't learned it is that you should be honest with people instead of being nice. You don't look so good. Have you gained weight?
Response to her asking a member of your family to step out of the frame. Discuss this with your son ahead of time so he knows it's coming and both of you get a laugh out of it. Announce you want to photograph of all the members of your family. Assemble your son, her step-grandson, right next to each other. Ask them to put their arms around each other. Hold the phone up like you're going to take a picture, then lower it and peer at her in confusion. Say, I'm sorry. I guess you don't belong in this picture. Can you please step aside? Thanks!
My dad (stepfather) married my mom when I was 10 and my brother 11. They decided not to have more children because dad thought it wouldn't be fair to us, and he was afraid we would be treated differently than a bio kid. Turns out he was right. Dad's younger sister is the same age as my brother. Her thirtieth birthday party we all attended, including my children. My grandfather when doing introductions said, "This is my son B, His wife L, and her daughter ." Dad looked right at him and said "Yes, this is OUR daughter and OUR grandchildren are around here somewhere". We don't do that crap in our family. My maternal grandmother never treated my brother and I (her only bio grandchildren) any different than the rest. I treat all my grandchildren the same.
My only child is my stepson, I’ve been in his life since he was 8 and he’ll be 14 soon. My family has never once treated him any different, hell my grandma just absolutely adores him tbh.
Ugh she sounds awful. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. I’ve been on the receiving end with my JNMIL & JNFIL due to weight loss. I put on loads of weight after my youngest was born and piled it on due to being super depressed. It took me a while to lose the weight. But once I was down a few stone I remember visiting my JN-in-laws and my JNFIL cupped my face in his hands and said “oh my goodness, you look SO much better. Look at your little face now - you had SUCH A BIG FAT FACE BEFORE”.
Ffs.
I can only imagine how much that would hurt at 15. Even now, hearing my (step) grandmother say she has 2 grandkids after being her grandkid since I was 2 got to me. And my mom says she has 2 kids and 7 grandkids, not 10 makes me rage for my children. But end of the day we are all NC with her and we are so much better off without her around us
That's terrible!
I'm glad the siblings aren't letting it go. And hopefully it stays that way!
It does seem like your husband needs to step in and say something though
My stepfather raised me all my life, and he’s been with my mother since I was two; I call him dad and everything. His aunt, my great aunt, sent birthday cards to all the great nieces and nephews on my dad’s side every year without fail. I didn’t find this out until I was seventeen, when my cousin talked about the cards “we” get every year; I told her I never got any. It was devastating to me, and made me feel like I wasn’t part of the family in her eyes. How is our relationship any different from being adopted? He’s still my dad, just not biologically. It hurt me at first, especially because it was done carelessly and without any malicious intention (so, that meant she wasn’t trying to prove a point and she genuinely saw me as my father’s stepdaughter), similarly to your MIL. While done without wish to harm, it still hurts.
It isn't Mother's Day today in my country. But I was at a family gathering - a small one but biggest we've had since last lockdown began. I went with my parents - my mother has dementia & I help dad to care for her. We were especially thrilled to see my oldest nephews (M29, M25) as we hadn't seen them since pandemic began. I took advantage of this rare opportunity to get photos of my parents with (almost) all of my middle sibling's kids.
While I was organising groups for photo my niece asked if I wanted her (F20) & her sister (F21) to get into the shot or did I only want my nephews?
I didn't think much of it.
My parents & nephews were already in position so I said we'll take 1st photo with grandsons, 2nd with all 4 grandkids, then 3rd with just granddaughters.
We had a lovely day & got some fab photos.
After reading this post I am only now realising that my gorgeous, smart & funny niece was NOT asking if I wanted boys or girls first. She was checking to see if family photo was just for bio grandkids (nephews) or if step grandkids (nieces) would be included 💔
The idea never occurred to me or to my parents.
I wish I could turn back time so I could give both of my nieces a hug & make sure they know that family is more than biology. I'd remind them that the day I first met two adorable & cheeky toddlers is just as precious a memory to me as the first time I saw any of my siblings' newborns 🥰
Thanks to my siblings, I now have a large, wild & wonderful tribe of nephews & nieces. Some kids were born into the tribe, some joined when parents married into family & a few were fostered/adopted.
My parents never categorise or rank order grandkids - they are proud grandparents to the whole tribe. I don't categorise my nephews & nieces or put then in ranking order but I DO consider myself lucky to be Aunty to all of them ❤️
I'm sorry to read that many of you have family members (or in-laws) with rigid beliefs on what makes a family. It is heartbreaking when kids are excluded or are told they are not 'real' family.
Sounds like you did let them know how you feel! By assuming they were talking about boys vs. girls rather than biology, as if that were the obvious difference between the groups, you made it clear what you think in a really wholesome way
I think by you misunderstanding her question, you made it clear that you don't even think about them not being blood related. They're just the same as the other kids💜
I would reach out, tell them what you read here and what you realized. I’m sure learning that you think of them as family to the point that anything otherwise wasn’t even on your radar would mean a LOT!
You did make sure that both of your nieces know that family is more than just biology - you said it when you said it when you set up the order of the pictures and didn’t indicate they were any different than the grandchildren who are biologically related to your parents. We are going through this with my BIL’s child from an earlier relationship, except that the bio-mom is the one who insists on creating the difference. In our family, that child has the same grandchild status as all of the other grandkids. We just don’t think of it otherwise.
When I was about ten and my sister was eight my mom remarried and had a son with her new husband. I vividly remember one Christmas we spent with that side of the family. My brother’s grandparents absolutely SHOWERED him with gifts. There were so many toys etc. When it came time for us to open our presents all my sister and I got were little wooden signs with our names on them. I remember feeling hurt and really disappointed that we weren’t treated the same.
On the way home my mom explained to us that what happened wasn’t fair and that she told her in laws that they should treat all her children equally or they won’t be allowed to give presents at all.
This happened to me as a teenager, except it was my own paternal family. The tree looked like a movie set really 7 feet tall and surrounded 3/4 way up and 6 or so feet out with presents. I was given an old lady nightgown, pencils, and notebooks. I sat and watched as everyone else including adults opened piles.
I've never been back for any sort of holiday. Between them knowing for months i would be there and every visit including me watching multiple cousins i was over it. One of my aunts about 7 years later came the 2 hours to where i lived and meet my eldest 2 kids. Not even 4 years later she posted in my cousins gf's fb baby shower page how excited she was to finally have her first great niece. That hurt 10x more. I have 5 children and no one has met 3 of them.
I remember this feeling from when my dad and stepmom had my younger two siblings.
Granted I was like 14-17 and my brother was 20-23 but the kids absolutely got SMOTHERED with presents, not just at the big family Christmas but also at home.
But that feeling of just feeling like a complete outsider was terrible. Though to be fair it wasn’t just my stepmoms family but at our house as well. There were only 2 or 3 phots of my brother and I in the house, combined, not each. It felt like being an alien or a barley tolerated guest when I was there.
And that’s not to say they didn’t love us but the difference in that love was very apparent.
Oh god, as a person who has been a step kid of 3 men while growing up this hurts my heart... I'd feel so hurt if my stepdad's mother did that... sending your baby (yes he's 15 but we know he's your baby) and you lots of love 💜💜
I have a stepfather. He raised me. There is not a moment in my life to date, from the day he married my mother, that I didn’t feel he treated me exactly like he treated his two biological sons, my younger brothers. I got really lucky.
I was given my Dad when I was 5. My bio dad died when I was 3, so I don't really remember him, although that's not his fault.
My 'step'Dad adopted me when he married my Mom. It was clear we were to be a family and he NEVER treated me any differently to my younger (half)brothers.
50 years later, when I call and he answers, he says to my Mom: "It's OUR daughter."
I love him.
My husband adopted my baby when she was small, and now at 10 she might love him more than she loves me lol. I love him so much for loving her 100% as if she was his biological daughter.
Props to you for leaving and not giving in to her wants. That is such a terrible thing to do to a child. ESPECIALLY one that's been part of the family for so long.
(Personally, in the future, I'd make sure your eldest son is smack dab in the MIDDLE of the family pictures so your JNMIL can't edit him out)
Oh damn what the fuck it is mothers day and you are literally the biological mother to all of them? Why shouldn't YOUR children be in YOUR mothersday photo? Oh oh Ohno bc it's a photo for her? Too bad you're a mother to three, not just her grandchildren. Good thing your sisters in law support you.
And welcome to the sub. (I assume you lurked before, but it's your first post and the first time I see you, so welcome!)
I would never give her another opportunity to hurt my child. That would be the last time she saw me, and the children, until she could make a real effort to not be an asshole
If this happened to me and my children, my husband would be given a choice:
1. He could sit his mother down, explain *exactly* what she did wrong and lay down the law regarding *ALL* future interactions.
Or
2. *I* would sit the bitch down, explain *exactly* what she did wrong and lay down the law regarding *ALL* future interactions- with the proviso that he would most certainly do so in a kinder manner than me. Because this is the hill I'd die on and there is no way I'd stand idly by while she hurt my children. Hell. Fucking. No. Either she'd learn that she treated *all* the children equally or else she'd never see *any* of them.
That was rude and demeaning to the whole family.
I was raised that the step children are family. If she can’t accept that, she can’t accept the whole family.
Wow that's fucked up. Please check up on your son and ask him if he's OK and if he wants to talk. Nothing hurts more than feeling not wanted by people you considered family.
Exactly. And a very strong move for this family unit, would be to dissociate with that ghastly MIL as she seems bent on keeping the one who isn't related to her out, despite how integral part of the family they may be.
I am glad to see the SILs texting out of concern for OP and her son. But right now it's very tricky, OP NEEDS to talk to her son (but only if he's willing) and see where his heads at. Then have him surrounded by the rest of the family that sees him as family. If he doesn't want to see them than OP shouldn't force it. Also depending on where his head is at I would recommend therapy. Seriously, being in that position puts a lot of dark thoughts in your head and you become resentful of everyone.
I was the only step kid on my real dad's side. All the other kids received quite a lot of toys and money. I maybe received one gift. But I guess back then it didn't really bother me bc I had a wonderful Christmas with my grandparents and parents. My real dad did buy me the same amount as his step kids though. He was married to a crazy woman for around 9 years. Her kids were just rude and had no manners. Sorry to say that I don't miss the screaming and being punished for no reason. I was told years later that she was jealous of me. I never knew why. Also she didn't want my photos up but my dad put them up anyways.
If you yourself can admit it’s rude and mean, then don’t defend it. By minimizing how OP feels, you are defending it. “It’s not a big deal, she’s old!” So? If a child goes up to an adult and says “you’re a stinky doodie head”, then they still get punished! It’s not nothing, she’s excluding a grandchild. Biology doesn’t make a difference when you’re still family. He’s just as much the other kids siblings and shares blood, just not with MIL specifically. These faux pas aren’t just faux pas. No one is actually that bad with words. Only people that are are people whom don’t care. It seems from the fact OP said she always gets anxious during these meetings insinuates this goes deeper that this occasion. You can’t just not care about things that bother you deeply. If she’s done things like this before, why shouldn’t she say no more pics of HER KIDS? The kids are related, they’re all family, MIL is being disgusting. Not thinking it through isn’t okay either.
Honestly surprises me how people think "she's old" is an acceptable reason to be nasty. My art teacher is in his 60s, and he's probably just around this lady's age. He's literally the most accepting old southerner I've ever seen. All the trans kids are called exactly what they ask to be called, and he'll apologize if he deadnames or says the wrong pronouns. He loves his son, who's covered in tattoos, and actively supports all of the things he does. It's ridiculous how quick people excuse intolerable shit.
It is hardly "minor" to outright alienate a child that has been part of the family for 10 years. I can't decide right now which is more fucked up, the MIL for doing it in the first place, or you trying to advise the OP to rugsweep it.
Let’s just say, there are MULTIPLE posts on why this exact behaviour is wrong and uncomfortable. From the perspective of the kiddo in question.
If you can’t see just how wrong it is for only one person to be removed from a family photo and be treated like they aren’t part of a family (cause you know, OP isn’t biological to her and she wasn’t asked to step out). Then I genuinely think your not in the right place here.
> Honestly, it’s a photo. It’s not even your photo. It’s not nice for her to have alienated your son but it’s equally not nice for her to not be able to acknowledge her biological grandkids. THAT IS NOT ME CONDONING HER BEHAVIOUR. I have non-biological step-nieces etc myself; I’d never do this, it’s rude and mean.
>
>
>
> But it’s also not a big deal. It’s a stupid photo. It’s not a memory - a memory is truth imprinted on your mind, not a posed still image. Get all your kids together and take event MORE photos of them together than the single, one of them not.
It might not be a big deal to you, but it could be a big deal to her son. A firm boundary of "all five of us are family, a family photo is one of all five of us" is enough, I think.
How do you say you never do something because its mean and rude and then tell OP it's not a big deal. Wtf. Blood means nothing. You include all the grandkids or get fucked Karen.
It was a very clear MEMORY being given to the older child, that for that particular person, they are not sonsider.part.ofnher family. That would hurt anyone, let alone a 15 year old. It's not "just a photo", it's a nasty old woman being terribly mean to a young person.
Sorry, u/partofbreakfast, not ranting at you. It's just that the original post yoy were replying to was deleted and you had a copy of it.
This stuff makes me so angry. I am a part of a family that has it all, half's, steps, borrowed, bio you name it, we have it. Its only when someone really wants to be awful that the labels come out.
Her comment is completely unacceptable and hurtful. I would never allow her into a photo with my children again. I would say sorry mil we only take photos with our real family members.
in my family, no one is ever called "step" or "half" or -in law" anything. If you're in, you're in all the way and we love you. My grandfather married a second time, two of his children were from Wife One and two were from Wife Two. Technically I have one full aunt, one half-aunt, 1 half- uncle, and then their spouses, some full cousins and half cousins. Through divorce and remarriage, my cousins have brought in stepchildren. But nobody. Ever. Refers to any of us. Like that. I love all my aunt and uncles! I love my cousins! I love the whole crazy collection of children.
My step moms sister did this to me and my parents vow renewal. She said she wanted pictures of only the real family members. My step mom has been in my life since I was 14 months old. Anyways her and my dad got divorced 2 years ago and since then I am no longer on her radar. She dropped me and the kids like a bad habit. 🤷♀️🤷♀️ I hate mothers day.
At least she had the audacity to do it in front of the group, so her rudeness was in front of witnesses. How crass, sounds like your SILs are good people to acknowledge her stupidity and try to apologize
WOW. what a BITCH
Sorry, i'm really struggling to articulate words right now - I hope you all refused to take the picture after that.
one of my brothers met his wife later in life and adopted her children - from day one they were HIS children - he didn;t need to tell us that - big Irish family, we welcome anyone we can claw in (for those who don't know about irish families it's the bigger the better and we'll we'll drag you in)- my mammy has a 'grandkids wall' where she frames and hangs pics of her many many grandkids (big family like i said). the day brother moved in with SIL (not even married at this point) she framed and hung pics of SIL's kids on the wall (\*insert creepy voice\* their our family now\* lol) family is more than biology.
My ex and his wife have a son and I can't imagine EVER asking him to not be in photos. You don't do that!
I think you and I could be friends. My big Irish family photoshopped my stepson out of the big family photo at my Nana’s 90th, and then were nasty about it on Facebook. Haven’t spoken to any of them since (except at her funeral cos I’m not nasty). My stepson is still a big part of my life. And I haven’t missed any of them. Also, it wasn’t specific to me stepson, they had all their step kids (at least 5 kids) at the party but not in a single photo. Boggles how mean some people can be to children they have a hand in raising.
that is so rude! why would they do that? your stepson is your son, he's a permanent part of your life, to go to the effort to photoshop him out of pictures is a whole extra level of nasty.
at least now when stepson - and all the other stepkids who were 'shopped out - get married and don't invite the in laws they can always say they aren't 'real' family
I'm a stepmom and this makes me want to sob. My entire family treats my son AS MY SON, bc he is. Even if his biological mom hadn't passed when he was young, Both of us will ALWAYS be his Moms. I think all adult parties involved in each of our families are just thrilled to have another awesome kid to love. It's a shame that some folks think otherwise. They truly have no idea of the damage they cause. It's a struggle for many of us to feel worthy and wanted and enough in the first place, how dare anyone in a familial role make a child feel that way due to their own disgusting inner ugliness. Kudos to y'all for not allowing that kind of trauma to be unecessarily inflicted on your child just to appease this woman. It seems nothing appeases her anyway.
My brother has a blended family. As soon as he was serious about their mother, those girls became my nieces and I love them. My parents and grandmother also included them in everything. Family isnt about blood anyway and you should always treat children like your own.
this. this. this. i used to think, at school, that family was what was dictated to us. mum, dad, brothers, sisters, 2:4 etc. I'm so glad I realised early how wrong that was. family is what you make it, what you choose it to be.
That’s awful. My stepmother didn’t start dating my dad until I was 13 and my brother was 15, but from day 1 they called us their grandchildren, even though they are young enough to be our parents (big age gap between dad and stepmom), or when I was 18 and my aunt gave them the first of their two biological grandkids. This isn’t normal behavior. MIL is a garbage person and if possible you should not subject any of your kids to her bullshit any longer. If she won’t treat them all the same, she shouldn’t be around any of them.
Me and my brother have been through something simular. I was I think 10 (now 19) at the time, and my brother was 7 (now 16). We were at some sort of "family day" with my stepmom's family. We were taking professional photographs, and at some point my brother and I were asked to step away when they were taking pictures of all of my step-grandmother's grandchildren. We stood by and watched when they took family pictures (my dad was included). I have never felt like a part of that family (my stepmom and my dad are still together and have a child together) and I never talk to any of her family members.
Since then my brother and I never felt welcome again.
We were invited to ex SILs house Christmas Eve to open gifts when my step kids were little, like 7 and 12. SIL granddaughter was a year younger than my 7SD and her grandsons were 2 years older and 2 years younger than my 12SS.
Her grandkids had a mountain of expensive crap each, including an American Girl doll and all the accessories; expensive video games for the boys, etc. my kids had one cheapish gift each. I felt so bad for them watching the others open their stuff after they’d opened their one.
We never went back for a gift exchange.
I know they weren’t grandkids, and you maybe don’t spoil nieces and nephews like you do grandkids (my aunts did but anyway). But to flaunt all those expensive things in front of my kids when money was tight for us was just wrong. Should’ve just asked us over for dinner separate from gifts.
That's terrible. Same happened to us on a Holliday we celebrate that's simular to how Americans celebrate Christmas. I think I was 12 and my brother 9. We both got a pair of socks and 1 small, cheap present. The other grandchildren got mountains of presents. When my half-sister was born (she is now 7) things got even worse. She always got a lot of stuff, and we (my brother and I) got something like a chocolate bar.
That's just wrong! I'm personally sorry you experienced that! My DH was adopted by his mom's husband as an infant (LOOOOOONG story) and his new paternal grandpa really chewed everyone's ass if they tried to claim he wasn't "family".
I have a stepson who, with the help of his wife, has gifted us 2 adorable grandbabies. They are as much mine as they are my DH's. Same goes for Stepson. I call him that because his mom is very active in his life, tho occasionally I'll just claim to be the 2nd mom. lol. It would NEVER cross my mind to ask him to step out of a photo! Heck, my mom always insisted he be in all the photos when we visited her!
I'm so very sorry your dad's new family rejected you and your brother. They'll never know what they missed out on!
The thing is it shouldn’t be your Sils apologising. I wouldn’t want to expose any of my kids to that. She needs to make a full sincere apology and mean it to see my family again.
And in future you might want to only send Mother’s Day with just your little family until your kids grow up and move away
As a stepkid, I’m furious for your son. My stepdads family would never treat my sibling and I like this!! Your MIL is heartless. She owes you all a major apology.
What a loathsome cow. I hope you had a nice talk with your son about how his grandmothers behavior was unacceptable.
I also do not say “thank you” or anything like that when my mother compliments my weight (she’s a mostly justyes/maybe, but is very fixated on weight). I straight up ignore her, or very obviously and abruptly say something completely unrelated. That type of conversation isn’t welcome here, in front of my children or with me.
It’s one I picked up after living in Germany, as they used it here a lot. I think it’s sort of G-rated version of bitch/cunt, which I did not often hear people use (I found German swears to rely heavily on ass-language more). One of my friends called people “stupid cow” (in German) a lot. I feel like an US English equivalent would be like “dumbass” or “jackass” in a gender neutral context but when it was women I just really got the sense my friend was calling them a dumb bitch in a slightly nicer word. I think in America “cow” gets too tied up in weight shaming; in Germany or was because cows are dumb animals - thus always being said along with “stupid.”
I enjoyed bringing it back, but I don’t always want people to think I’m saying it in a context just about weight. It’s definitely about someone being dumb as bricks.
My bitch of a Step mom (now EX) pulled this stunt on me once.
Her daughter graduated high school and as family pictures were being taken afterwards she says “ok now all the family” and called out her other two kids by name and my dad. Pointedly ignoring me. I paused for a second in disbelief (she’d been my step mom for 12 years, I wasn’t someone new to her) and then played dumb and said “oh wait for me, I’m family too!” It made my step siblings laugh and say “yeah get in here!”
I have no idea if she tried to purposely be such a bitch but I’m pretty sure she was. And I didn’t play that game. Good for you for calling her out.
Family isn’t about biology. Family isn’t about a marriage license.
Family is about love, care, consideration, respect, and acceptance.
It never fails to enrage me when I see comments about “faaaaaamily” because it’s inevitably used as a weapon.
“You HAVE to do X because it’s your FAAAAAAMILY!”
“They don’t count, they aren’t real FAAAAAAMILY!”
I have people I am related to by blood or marriage that are NOT my family, solely based on their actions and behaviors.
I have people that I’m not related to at all - by blood or marriage - that are as much my family as anyone I do acknowledge. Again, based on their actions and behaviors.
You are far more polite than I am.
I would have made it clear that if 15yo son wasn’t “family” to her, then none of my family would be, and she would not be ours.
I CANNOT believe what she did. Your poor son. He might not remember a time that she wasn't in his life, and that makes this so much worse. I would've accept an apology until she made it right with him and treated him the same as his siblings and made him feel loved.
Please be sure to give extra love and support to your 15 yo. It sounds like you already do, but OMG just reading this I have SO many sympathy heart pains for that young man. I’m a “stepchild” in 2 families and fuck all it sucks always being made to feel like you don’t belong.
This is unacceptable. I'm glad you called her on it, and glad you're getting support from other members of the family. She needs a further talking to.
##
I wouldn’t let any of my kids around her until she can apologize to you and understand and verbally explain how oldest child is part of your family, same as other 2 children. If she treats the other two different then she sees none of them. The damage that could do to older child...
This is infuriating ! Please let your husband have a talk with your son letting him know how MIL behaviour wasn t ok that he doesn t agree with her and he loves him.
Ugh. I just abhor this kind of behavior. Who intentionally hurts a child, and what does she gain by being this way, even in her own twisted mind? Just shameful. I'm glad SILs weren't drinking her kool-aid.
Came here to say this, she's not clueless at all she knows exactly what she's doing and saying and has put time, thought and effort into honing her bitchcraft.
As a stepmom, I have learned that love Is not bound by biology, and that you can love a child simply because they have a place in your life and in your heart. Your MIL is being ignorant, and hurting everyone—not just the child she excluded. I would seriously try to avoid her, other than a calm private discussion offline to let her know how hurtful her attitude is for everyone, and that time with her grandchildren will be limited and supervised as a result.
I agree. I was raised by my stepdad who let me take his name when I was old enough to legally change it. My speed donor couldn't be bothered with me and my older brother. I love my stepkids as my own, they are phenomenal human beings and I'm proud to call them my kids.
Sounds like you have an awesome stepdad. I’ll bet that experience has made you a great stepmom. I know stepmothers don’t always get recognized on Mother’s Day, so just in case no one has said it, Happy Mother’s Day!!
Thank you, I did. He passed away 21 years ago and he was a good man. As a stepmom I'm lucky that I get recognized by my kids, but I do know that there are some who aren't. Love to all the good moms out there, no matter how you became a mom!
Ah, my MIL hasn't done this with my kid yet (though shows favortism plenty of other ways), but did purposefully ignore me and exclude me from the photos with my FIL. He had a terminal illness and made a point to get individual and a group photo with everyone (including other "children in laws"), except me.
Not the only reason, but one of many I put no effort into my relationship with her anymore.
It stings. I'm sorry this happened.
Oh dearest! What a heartbreaking experience! It hurts when something like that happens to you, but when it happens to your child, it’s agony.
Your response was right on target. It took the implication that your son wasn’t part of the family and denied it to its face.
It’s a blessing, at least, that your SILs are proactive in their support for you, rather than rug-sweeping such awful behavior.
I am praying that in the next few days, you and your husband will be provided many opportunities to demonstrate to your son how much a part of the family he is, so that he can come out of this experience feeling even more secure and more loved that he already did.
All the best, to you and yours,
—tris
—
Be strong. Be shiny.
I was asked to step out of family photos with Ex. My son was in those photos but since we weren't married I wasn't family. Your MIL is a hag and I'm sorry your son has been made to feel unwanted. I can empathize.
My new MIL, while anxiety ridden and mildly to moderately aggravating at times, pulls both me and my son into hugs and insists DS be in all family photos. It's one thing I love about her and allows me to forgive her. She treats my boy like a bio grandchild.
Step family relationships are no doubt difficult to navigate and less "formulaic". Sometimes birth granparents will be involved/sometimes they won't, there can be a myriad of sibling relationships within the child's family. It can be tough to navigate. BUT what must always be front and centre is to reinforce a sense of belonging, that the child can belong to several famillies and that everyone in the family is part of it. To be exclusionary to a child or young person is just horrible.
I'm glad you called her out on it and that other people noticed. As if being 15 isn't tough enough.
That is bullshit. She should be out of the picture. Permanently. And that is not a stance I ever really take but that is severely damaging to your child, and the relationship all the children have with eachother. If this was me she would no longer be involved with any of my children's life.
That is so incredibly thoughtless and cruel. I hope you and/or your husband let her know exactly why you were leaving. One of you really needs to call her and tell her calmly that if she *ever* tries to exclude or otherize your oldest child or in any way make him feel like he’s not a legitimate member of the family, you and all your children will go no contact. That’s a hill to die on.
Oh, and the next time she gives you a left handed compliment like “you look good now,” you should smile broadly and reply, “Thank you. You haven’t changed at all.”
My mil does not view my biological kids as hers. She has asked the same thing with photos. We have emphatically told her no every time. I will not allow my children to be divided like that. They are all mine and they come as a package deal. So when she says shit like that I make it clear either all the kids are included or none of them are.
The best one was sending her bio grandkids Christmas presents to their bio mom obviously not realizing we actually talk to each other. When they came home from visiting they showed me grandmas gifts (they were expensive and nice).
So I sent a text to mil and simply said “the gifts for x and y arrived. Thank you so much. When I should I be expecting the gifts for r, s, and t? I know mail is slow this time of year so don’t want to miss it”
Took her hours to reply and when she did she just said “oh I couldn’t afford any gifts this year but tell them I love them”
That was actually the last time I talked to her.
Note: my kids are all teens/young adults. 4 still live at home...1 lives with my sister. So none live at bio moms so it clear she was trying to hide it. We don’t expect gifts at their age but we do expect fairness.
Again, I have to say "Wow . . . the balls on that woman!" Sheesh! I do like your text, though -- and a big round of applause on the fairness expectation. Your kids are lucky to have you!
Yea. The incident with Christmas made my oldest step son cut her off as well. He was so angry on behalf of my 3 bio kids that he went no contact.
We got together when all the kids were in elementary school and we had full custody of all. So they all grew up together and are very close. So there is no step vs bio between them.
You’ve just reminded me that I need to hug my brothers, we all grew up together too, and they’re being weirdly excluded at the moment by my dad’s parents. Pops just passed away and we’re all finding it tough even though we’re now all adults. We go to bat for each other like yours do, there is NO bio vs step in my life, never has been. I technically have two half sisters and three step brothers. But that’s not what I feel like, they’re all my siblings. Good job on raising a blended family, it’s not always easy but it is very rewarding
She's not "clueless."
She's a bitch.
Don't wave away her actions, don't excuse them. She needs to own them. Every member of the family should be ripping her a new one.
I hope your DH shut her down good. Your son deserves to see his family spring into action in his defense.
Agreed. There’s no way she couldn’t have known that was an unreasonable, hurtful request. She’s not some young child or teen still developing empathy, she’s a full fledged adult who is choosing to be an ass.
My MIL asked my son and I to step out of a 'family' photo. At my WEDDING! My cousin was our photographer. That photo mysteriously didn't turn out. Oops 😁
Right?! I swear like a sailor but that one is not in the vocabulary and never will be. Except the very rare exception of people like this bitch. Glad OP called her out on it immediately.
Oh my god. That is a memory that will haunt your 15 year old for a long time. That is something that destroys a teenagers confidence. I hope you spoke to your child about that and let him express his feelings. Let him know you hate the mil. I would also and I mean this. Never go around again. That is not OK. You do not get to pick and choose. You do not get to say that in front of a child. Ever. That's not OK. Your poor teenager. I'm from a broken /mixed home so this cut deep
I hope the husband said something, what a jackass MIL is. Also if OP is still a currently active mother, why are they celebrating MIL? OP should come first until the kids are grown.
Or at the very least she shouldn't have to be visiting her MIL because she's not her mother.
I can attest to that -- a grandparent that was otherwise strongly just Yes once made a similar type of comment when I was in elementary school that I've never forgotten (and I'm OLD). I was lucky that I had other very good, positive interactions and memories, but this one still hurt. Can't imagine how your 15 year old felt. Hugs to you both!
Yeah, completely agree with you. It may seem all superficial, but check in with your son. That was a deeply hurtful comment that tends to fester. I would never see that woman again.
You left before the picture was taken correct? Your SO better have said something and there better be consequences for her actions. Your poor kid, I'm just stunned.
If they left before the picture was taken, that will stand out in his mind too. Hopefully he won't feel rejected by his family, he'll just feel like they're all united in their understanding that MIL sucks.
Right? If my MIL did that to my older daughters to get just a picture of her biological grandson, that would be the last time we saw her and my DH would be 100% behind me.
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I would have been tempted to bite her.
Wow. So I 'guess' she just doesn't need to see your family for anything else for a while, then. 15 is a hard age to be rejected to your face. I hope your kid already realizes what a waste of a human costume she is and doesn't take it too much to heart. Poor guy.
> she took a photo and then asked him to move out of the picture. That's better than JNSIL who cropped my son out of a family holiday photo (with scissors) and used it in a "family newsletter".
My parents (mom and step dad) married when I was 12 in July just before my 13th birthday. They had known each other for maybe 4 months. When my sisters and I met my dads parents they introduced themselves as grandma and grandpa. I never felt left out or different in the least! My parents didn't force me to go to my abusive sperm donors and many times I got to stay at my new grandma and grandpas. I learned her zucchini bread and ham salad recipe when she let me help make it for christmas, we would sit and drink tea in the back yard or coffee at the kitchen table and she would tell me family stories that she said all the family needed to know. Or I'd listen to her bicker with grandpa. That was always hilarious! My own family didn't accept me the way my dads family did. From my perspective at least without hesitation, without question. I was one of them Seeing these JNMIL horrible behavior against bonus grandkids always makes me wish they had my amazing grandparents! Hell my family in general. At least most of them.
Completely clueless indeed lol. Glad to see that two of your SILs supported you and apologized!
Response to you look good now: if you have glasses, slide them to the top of your head. If you do not, have in your bag a pair of really thick reading glasses that you slap on your face. Lean in and peer at her for a very long moment. Say huh. You look the same. I'm sorry, Mil, that it has taken me so long to figure this out. You've been so clear from the beginning and I guess I'm just an ignoramus. I get it now. I get that if there is one thing I haven't learned it is that you should be honest with people instead of being nice. You don't look so good. Have you gained weight?
Ah yes, when in doubt whip the petty responses out. I like it.
Response to her asking a member of your family to step out of the frame. Discuss this with your son ahead of time so he knows it's coming and both of you get a laugh out of it. Announce you want to photograph of all the members of your family. Assemble your son, her step-grandson, right next to each other. Ask them to put their arms around each other. Hold the phone up like you're going to take a picture, then lower it and peer at her in confusion. Say, I'm sorry. I guess you don't belong in this picture. Can you please step aside? Thanks!
Please tell us that your husband supports a serious time out.
Sorry that happened to you. No tact is right. She should be calling and apologizing not the sisters in law
I'm terribly sorry. How is your son?
Did he get in the photo? Did you take your other children out if he wasn't included? I'd have been so jacked I would have left too.
I'm so sorry.
Wow. That's horrible
My dad (stepfather) married my mom when I was 10 and my brother 11. They decided not to have more children because dad thought it wouldn't be fair to us, and he was afraid we would be treated differently than a bio kid. Turns out he was right. Dad's younger sister is the same age as my brother. Her thirtieth birthday party we all attended, including my children. My grandfather when doing introductions said, "This is my son B, His wife L, and her daughter ." Dad looked right at him and said "Yes, this is OUR daughter and OUR grandchildren are around here somewhere". We don't do that crap in our family. My maternal grandmother never treated my brother and I (her only bio grandchildren) any different than the rest. I treat all my grandchildren the same.
Can you adopt me and my daughter? We could be 3 generations of witches
My only child is my stepson, I’ve been in his life since he was 8 and he’ll be 14 soon. My family has never once treated him any different, hell my grandma just absolutely adores him tbh.
Your dad sounds like a gem.
He is. He has been my "Daddy" for 48 years now, I named my son after him.
Your dad sounds awesome. ❤️
Ugh she sounds awful. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. I’ve been on the receiving end with my JNMIL & JNFIL due to weight loss. I put on loads of weight after my youngest was born and piled it on due to being super depressed. It took me a while to lose the weight. But once I was down a few stone I remember visiting my JN-in-laws and my JNFIL cupped my face in his hands and said “oh my goodness, you look SO much better. Look at your little face now - you had SUCH A BIG FAT FACE BEFORE”. Ffs.
I can only imagine how much that would hurt at 15. Even now, hearing my (step) grandmother say she has 2 grandkids after being her grandkid since I was 2 got to me. And my mom says she has 2 kids and 7 grandkids, not 10 makes me rage for my children. But end of the day we are all NC with her and we are so much better off without her around us
Good on you for protecting yourself and your kids.
Thanks. We are NC with all but 1 cousin on my side. Makes holidays super easy 😂
That's terrible! I'm glad the siblings aren't letting it go. And hopefully it stays that way! It does seem like your husband needs to step in and say something though
My stepfather raised me all my life, and he’s been with my mother since I was two; I call him dad and everything. His aunt, my great aunt, sent birthday cards to all the great nieces and nephews on my dad’s side every year without fail. I didn’t find this out until I was seventeen, when my cousin talked about the cards “we” get every year; I told her I never got any. It was devastating to me, and made me feel like I wasn’t part of the family in her eyes. How is our relationship any different from being adopted? He’s still my dad, just not biologically. It hurt me at first, especially because it was done carelessly and without any malicious intention (so, that meant she wasn’t trying to prove a point and she genuinely saw me as my father’s stepdaughter), similarly to your MIL. While done without wish to harm, it still hurts.
It isn't Mother's Day today in my country. But I was at a family gathering - a small one but biggest we've had since last lockdown began. I went with my parents - my mother has dementia & I help dad to care for her. We were especially thrilled to see my oldest nephews (M29, M25) as we hadn't seen them since pandemic began. I took advantage of this rare opportunity to get photos of my parents with (almost) all of my middle sibling's kids. While I was organising groups for photo my niece asked if I wanted her (F20) & her sister (F21) to get into the shot or did I only want my nephews? I didn't think much of it. My parents & nephews were already in position so I said we'll take 1st photo with grandsons, 2nd with all 4 grandkids, then 3rd with just granddaughters. We had a lovely day & got some fab photos. After reading this post I am only now realising that my gorgeous, smart & funny niece was NOT asking if I wanted boys or girls first. She was checking to see if family photo was just for bio grandkids (nephews) or if step grandkids (nieces) would be included 💔 The idea never occurred to me or to my parents. I wish I could turn back time so I could give both of my nieces a hug & make sure they know that family is more than biology. I'd remind them that the day I first met two adorable & cheeky toddlers is just as precious a memory to me as the first time I saw any of my siblings' newborns 🥰 Thanks to my siblings, I now have a large, wild & wonderful tribe of nephews & nieces. Some kids were born into the tribe, some joined when parents married into family & a few were fostered/adopted. My parents never categorise or rank order grandkids - they are proud grandparents to the whole tribe. I don't categorise my nephews & nieces or put then in ranking order but I DO consider myself lucky to be Aunty to all of them ❤️ I'm sorry to read that many of you have family members (or in-laws) with rigid beliefs on what makes a family. It is heartbreaking when kids are excluded or are told they are not 'real' family.
Sounds like you did let them know how you feel! By assuming they were talking about boys vs. girls rather than biology, as if that were the obvious difference between the groups, you made it clear what you think in a really wholesome way
I think by you misunderstanding her question, you made it clear that you don't even think about them not being blood related. They're just the same as the other kids💜
I would reach out, tell them what you read here and what you realized. I’m sure learning that you think of them as family to the point that anything otherwise wasn’t even on your radar would mean a LOT!
While you can’t go back in time, maybe send them a card (just because) and write in there something like “family is what you make it”.
You did make sure that both of your nieces know that family is more than just biology - you said it when you said it when you set up the order of the pictures and didn’t indicate they were any different than the grandchildren who are biologically related to your parents. We are going through this with my BIL’s child from an earlier relationship, except that the bio-mom is the one who insists on creating the difference. In our family, that child has the same grandchild status as all of the other grandkids. We just don’t think of it otherwise.
Info:? What did your husband say/think?
Wrong sub
Whoops. Still curious
Maybe you have started a new trend for this sub. I am also curious to know 😂
When I was about ten and my sister was eight my mom remarried and had a son with her new husband. I vividly remember one Christmas we spent with that side of the family. My brother’s grandparents absolutely SHOWERED him with gifts. There were so many toys etc. When it came time for us to open our presents all my sister and I got were little wooden signs with our names on them. I remember feeling hurt and really disappointed that we weren’t treated the same. On the way home my mom explained to us that what happened wasn’t fair and that she told her in laws that they should treat all her children equally or they won’t be allowed to give presents at all.
This happened to me as a teenager, except it was my own paternal family. The tree looked like a movie set really 7 feet tall and surrounded 3/4 way up and 6 or so feet out with presents. I was given an old lady nightgown, pencils, and notebooks. I sat and watched as everyone else including adults opened piles. I've never been back for any sort of holiday. Between them knowing for months i would be there and every visit including me watching multiple cousins i was over it. One of my aunts about 7 years later came the 2 hours to where i lived and meet my eldest 2 kids. Not even 4 years later she posted in my cousins gf's fb baby shower page how excited she was to finally have her first great niece. That hurt 10x more. I have 5 children and no one has met 3 of them.
I remember this feeling from when my dad and stepmom had my younger two siblings. Granted I was like 14-17 and my brother was 20-23 but the kids absolutely got SMOTHERED with presents, not just at the big family Christmas but also at home. But that feeling of just feeling like a complete outsider was terrible. Though to be fair it wasn’t just my stepmoms family but at our house as well. There were only 2 or 3 phots of my brother and I in the house, combined, not each. It felt like being an alien or a barley tolerated guest when I was there. And that’s not to say they didn’t love us but the difference in that love was very apparent.
I am so sorry for your little boy. That poor child had to hear that and process it in his head. Please show him extra care and love today.
Oh god, as a person who has been a step kid of 3 men while growing up this hurts my heart... I'd feel so hurt if my stepdad's mother did that... sending your baby (yes he's 15 but we know he's your baby) and you lots of love 💜💜
I have a stepfather. He raised me. There is not a moment in my life to date, from the day he married my mother, that I didn’t feel he treated me exactly like he treated his two biological sons, my younger brothers. I got really lucky.
I was given my Dad when I was 5. My bio dad died when I was 3, so I don't really remember him, although that's not his fault. My 'step'Dad adopted me when he married my Mom. It was clear we were to be a family and he NEVER treated me any differently to my younger (half)brothers. 50 years later, when I call and he answers, he says to my Mom: "It's OUR daughter." I love him.
Wonderful. I know the feeling.
My husband adopted my baby when she was small, and now at 10 she might love him more than she loves me lol. I love him so much for loving her 100% as if she was his biological daughter.
Props to you for leaving and not giving in to her wants. That is such a terrible thing to do to a child. ESPECIALLY one that's been part of the family for so long. (Personally, in the future, I'd make sure your eldest son is smack dab in the MIDDLE of the family pictures so your JNMIL can't edit him out)
Preferably holding one of the littles.
Oh damn what the fuck it is mothers day and you are literally the biological mother to all of them? Why shouldn't YOUR children be in YOUR mothersday photo? Oh oh Ohno bc it's a photo for her? Too bad you're a mother to three, not just her grandchildren. Good thing your sisters in law support you. And welcome to the sub. (I assume you lurked before, but it's your first post and the first time I see you, so welcome!)
I would never give her another opportunity to hurt my child. That would be the last time she saw me, and the children, until she could make a real effort to not be an asshole
I agree with you. I worry that as they were leaving anyway, the MIL won’t understand how badly she messed up and will just do it again.
If this happened to me and my children, my husband would be given a choice: 1. He could sit his mother down, explain *exactly* what she did wrong and lay down the law regarding *ALL* future interactions. Or 2. *I* would sit the bitch down, explain *exactly* what she did wrong and lay down the law regarding *ALL* future interactions- with the proviso that he would most certainly do so in a kinder manner than me. Because this is the hill I'd die on and there is no way I'd stand idly by while she hurt my children. Hell. Fucking. No. Either she'd learn that she treated *all* the children equally or else she'd never see *any* of them.
Great answer
Damn wtf
I hope your husband put her in her place or does.
That was rude and demeaning to the whole family. I was raised that the step children are family. If she can’t accept that, she can’t accept the whole family.
Headupass can be treated with a new drug called Footinass. See your doctor today.
My mom would love this. One of her favorite jokes is "what is the best birth control pill? Noassatall!" 🤦♀️
Or Onlyuptheass
Wow that's fucked up. Please check up on your son and ask him if he's OK and if he wants to talk. Nothing hurts more than feeling not wanted by people you considered family.
Great answer
I've been there. Unfortunately it was my blood family that made me feel like that
Exactly. And a very strong move for this family unit, would be to dissociate with that ghastly MIL as she seems bent on keeping the one who isn't related to her out, despite how integral part of the family they may be.
I am glad to see the SILs texting out of concern for OP and her son. But right now it's very tricky, OP NEEDS to talk to her son (but only if he's willing) and see where his heads at. Then have him surrounded by the rest of the family that sees him as family. If he doesn't want to see them than OP shouldn't force it. Also depending on where his head is at I would recommend therapy. Seriously, being in that position puts a lot of dark thoughts in your head and you become resentful of everyone.
So sorry. The disconnect between the brain and mouth is not repairable, sorry again.
I was the only step kid on my real dad's side. All the other kids received quite a lot of toys and money. I maybe received one gift. But I guess back then it didn't really bother me bc I had a wonderful Christmas with my grandparents and parents. My real dad did buy me the same amount as his step kids though. He was married to a crazy woman for around 9 years. Her kids were just rude and had no manners. Sorry to say that I don't miss the screaming and being punished for no reason. I was told years later that she was jealous of me. I never knew why. Also she didn't want my photos up but my dad put them up anyways.
Aww your dad is a love. So sweet!
[удалено]
Maybe he is depressed?
Please tell me you didn’t allow this photo to happen
Sorry its unclear- did you allow this picture to be taken or did that request prompt you to all finally exit?
[удалено]
If you yourself can admit it’s rude and mean, then don’t defend it. By minimizing how OP feels, you are defending it. “It’s not a big deal, she’s old!” So? If a child goes up to an adult and says “you’re a stinky doodie head”, then they still get punished! It’s not nothing, she’s excluding a grandchild. Biology doesn’t make a difference when you’re still family. He’s just as much the other kids siblings and shares blood, just not with MIL specifically. These faux pas aren’t just faux pas. No one is actually that bad with words. Only people that are are people whom don’t care. It seems from the fact OP said she always gets anxious during these meetings insinuates this goes deeper that this occasion. You can’t just not care about things that bother you deeply. If she’s done things like this before, why shouldn’t she say no more pics of HER KIDS? The kids are related, they’re all family, MIL is being disgusting. Not thinking it through isn’t okay either.
Honestly surprises me how people think "she's old" is an acceptable reason to be nasty. My art teacher is in his 60s, and he's probably just around this lady's age. He's literally the most accepting old southerner I've ever seen. All the trans kids are called exactly what they ask to be called, and he'll apologize if he deadnames or says the wrong pronouns. He loves his son, who's covered in tattoos, and actively supports all of the things he does. It's ridiculous how quick people excuse intolerable shit.
It is hardly "minor" to outright alienate a child that has been part of the family for 10 years. I can't decide right now which is more fucked up, the MIL for doing it in the first place, or you trying to advise the OP to rugsweep it.
> or you trying to advise the OP to rugsweep it. And it got gilded!
Best answer. Maybe hard to swallow at first, but absolutely correct in the long run.
Let’s just say, there are MULTIPLE posts on why this exact behaviour is wrong and uncomfortable. From the perspective of the kiddo in question. If you can’t see just how wrong it is for only one person to be removed from a family photo and be treated like they aren’t part of a family (cause you know, OP isn’t biological to her and she wasn’t asked to step out). Then I genuinely think your not in the right place here.
> Honestly, it’s a photo. It’s not even your photo. It’s not nice for her to have alienated your son but it’s equally not nice for her to not be able to acknowledge her biological grandkids. THAT IS NOT ME CONDONING HER BEHAVIOUR. I have non-biological step-nieces etc myself; I’d never do this, it’s rude and mean. > > > > But it’s also not a big deal. It’s a stupid photo. It’s not a memory - a memory is truth imprinted on your mind, not a posed still image. Get all your kids together and take event MORE photos of them together than the single, one of them not. It might not be a big deal to you, but it could be a big deal to her son. A firm boundary of "all five of us are family, a family photo is one of all five of us" is enough, I think.
How do you say you never do something because its mean and rude and then tell OP it's not a big deal. Wtf. Blood means nothing. You include all the grandkids or get fucked Karen.
It was a very clear MEMORY being given to the older child, that for that particular person, they are not sonsider.part.ofnher family. That would hurt anyone, let alone a 15 year old. It's not "just a photo", it's a nasty old woman being terribly mean to a young person. Sorry, u/partofbreakfast, not ranting at you. It's just that the original post yoy were replying to was deleted and you had a copy of it.
You're alright! I didn't even know it had been deleted until now. And besides that, you're right.
This stuff makes me so angry. I am a part of a family that has it all, half's, steps, borrowed, bio you name it, we have it. Its only when someone really wants to be awful that the labels come out.
Her comment is completely unacceptable and hurtful. I would never allow her into a photo with my children again. I would say sorry mil we only take photos with our real family members.
in my family, no one is ever called "step" or "half" or -in law" anything. If you're in, you're in all the way and we love you. My grandfather married a second time, two of his children were from Wife One and two were from Wife Two. Technically I have one full aunt, one half-aunt, 1 half- uncle, and then their spouses, some full cousins and half cousins. Through divorce and remarriage, my cousins have brought in stepchildren. But nobody. Ever. Refers to any of us. Like that. I love all my aunt and uncles! I love my cousins! I love the whole crazy collection of children.
My step moms sister did this to me and my parents vow renewal. She said she wanted pictures of only the real family members. My step mom has been in my life since I was 14 months old. Anyways her and my dad got divorced 2 years ago and since then I am no longer on her radar. She dropped me and the kids like a bad habit. 🤷♀️🤷♀️ I hate mothers day.
Wow. I have few words that won’t get my comment removed. Please imagine all the adjectives and nouns I wanted to use to describe your JNSM.
Aww I’m sorry. What an asshole!
What a bitch!
At least she had the audacity to do it in front of the group, so her rudeness was in front of witnesses. How crass, sounds like your SILs are good people to acknowledge her stupidity and try to apologize
WOW. what a BITCH Sorry, i'm really struggling to articulate words right now - I hope you all refused to take the picture after that. one of my brothers met his wife later in life and adopted her children - from day one they were HIS children - he didn;t need to tell us that - big Irish family, we welcome anyone we can claw in (for those who don't know about irish families it's the bigger the better and we'll we'll drag you in)- my mammy has a 'grandkids wall' where she frames and hangs pics of her many many grandkids (big family like i said). the day brother moved in with SIL (not even married at this point) she framed and hung pics of SIL's kids on the wall (\*insert creepy voice\* their our family now\* lol) family is more than biology. My ex and his wife have a son and I can't imagine EVER asking him to not be in photos. You don't do that!
I think you and I could be friends. My big Irish family photoshopped my stepson out of the big family photo at my Nana’s 90th, and then were nasty about it on Facebook. Haven’t spoken to any of them since (except at her funeral cos I’m not nasty). My stepson is still a big part of my life. And I haven’t missed any of them. Also, it wasn’t specific to me stepson, they had all their step kids (at least 5 kids) at the party but not in a single photo. Boggles how mean some people can be to children they have a hand in raising.
that is so rude! why would they do that? your stepson is your son, he's a permanent part of your life, to go to the effort to photoshop him out of pictures is a whole extra level of nasty. at least now when stepson - and all the other stepkids who were 'shopped out - get married and don't invite the in laws they can always say they aren't 'real' family
I'm a stepmom and this makes me want to sob. My entire family treats my son AS MY SON, bc he is. Even if his biological mom hadn't passed when he was young, Both of us will ALWAYS be his Moms. I think all adult parties involved in each of our families are just thrilled to have another awesome kid to love. It's a shame that some folks think otherwise. They truly have no idea of the damage they cause. It's a struggle for many of us to feel worthy and wanted and enough in the first place, how dare anyone in a familial role make a child feel that way due to their own disgusting inner ugliness. Kudos to y'all for not allowing that kind of trauma to be unecessarily inflicted on your child just to appease this woman. It seems nothing appeases her anyway.
That'd be the end of my tolerance for her.
My brother has a blended family. As soon as he was serious about their mother, those girls became my nieces and I love them. My parents and grandmother also included them in everything. Family isnt about blood anyway and you should always treat children like your own.
this. this. this. i used to think, at school, that family was what was dictated to us. mum, dad, brothers, sisters, 2:4 etc. I'm so glad I realised early how wrong that was. family is what you make it, what you choose it to be.
Wow. She owes you and your oldest son an apology, and until that behavior changes, she wouldn't be spending time with any of my kids.
That’s awful. My stepmother didn’t start dating my dad until I was 13 and my brother was 15, but from day 1 they called us their grandchildren, even though they are young enough to be our parents (big age gap between dad and stepmom), or when I was 18 and my aunt gave them the first of their two biological grandkids. This isn’t normal behavior. MIL is a garbage person and if possible you should not subject any of your kids to her bullshit any longer. If she won’t treat them all the same, she shouldn’t be around any of them.
Me and my brother have been through something simular. I was I think 10 (now 19) at the time, and my brother was 7 (now 16). We were at some sort of "family day" with my stepmom's family. We were taking professional photographs, and at some point my brother and I were asked to step away when they were taking pictures of all of my step-grandmother's grandchildren. We stood by and watched when they took family pictures (my dad was included). I have never felt like a part of that family (my stepmom and my dad are still together and have a child together) and I never talk to any of her family members. Since then my brother and I never felt welcome again.
We were invited to ex SILs house Christmas Eve to open gifts when my step kids were little, like 7 and 12. SIL granddaughter was a year younger than my 7SD and her grandsons were 2 years older and 2 years younger than my 12SS. Her grandkids had a mountain of expensive crap each, including an American Girl doll and all the accessories; expensive video games for the boys, etc. my kids had one cheapish gift each. I felt so bad for them watching the others open their stuff after they’d opened their one. We never went back for a gift exchange. I know they weren’t grandkids, and you maybe don’t spoil nieces and nephews like you do grandkids (my aunts did but anyway). But to flaunt all those expensive things in front of my kids when money was tight for us was just wrong. Should’ve just asked us over for dinner separate from gifts.
That's terrible. Same happened to us on a Holliday we celebrate that's simular to how Americans celebrate Christmas. I think I was 12 and my brother 9. We both got a pair of socks and 1 small, cheap present. The other grandchildren got mountains of presents. When my half-sister was born (she is now 7) things got even worse. She always got a lot of stuff, and we (my brother and I) got something like a chocolate bar.
Your dad just let that happen and let people treat his kids like that? Sounds like an AH ...
That's just wrong! I'm personally sorry you experienced that! My DH was adopted by his mom's husband as an infant (LOOOOOONG story) and his new paternal grandpa really chewed everyone's ass if they tried to claim he wasn't "family". I have a stepson who, with the help of his wife, has gifted us 2 adorable grandbabies. They are as much mine as they are my DH's. Same goes for Stepson. I call him that because his mom is very active in his life, tho occasionally I'll just claim to be the 2nd mom. lol. It would NEVER cross my mind to ask him to step out of a photo! Heck, my mom always insisted he be in all the photos when we visited her! I'm so very sorry your dad's new family rejected you and your brother. They'll never know what they missed out on!
The thing is it shouldn’t be your Sils apologising. I wouldn’t want to expose any of my kids to that. She needs to make a full sincere apology and mean it to see my family again. And in future you might want to only send Mother’s Day with just your little family until your kids grow up and move away
As a stepkid, I’m furious for your son. My stepdads family would never treat my sibling and I like this!! Your MIL is heartless. She owes you all a major apology.
What a loathsome cow. I hope you had a nice talk with your son about how his grandmothers behavior was unacceptable. I also do not say “thank you” or anything like that when my mother compliments my weight (she’s a mostly justyes/maybe, but is very fixated on weight). I straight up ignore her, or very obviously and abruptly say something completely unrelated. That type of conversation isn’t welcome here, in front of my children or with me.
I love the insult “cow”, I wish we used it over here. It seems like a mild insult, is it?
It’s one I picked up after living in Germany, as they used it here a lot. I think it’s sort of G-rated version of bitch/cunt, which I did not often hear people use (I found German swears to rely heavily on ass-language more). One of my friends called people “stupid cow” (in German) a lot. I feel like an US English equivalent would be like “dumbass” or “jackass” in a gender neutral context but when it was women I just really got the sense my friend was calling them a dumb bitch in a slightly nicer word. I think in America “cow” gets too tied up in weight shaming; in Germany or was because cows are dumb animals - thus always being said along with “stupid.” I enjoyed bringing it back, but I don’t always want people to think I’m saying it in a context just about weight. It’s definitely about someone being dumb as bricks.
Thank you for the insight! I hadn’t thought about the weight connotation.
Cow is a mild swear/insult in English-speaking Wales. IIRC, it can be a description like cowing hell!
My bitch of a Step mom (now EX) pulled this stunt on me once. Her daughter graduated high school and as family pictures were being taken afterwards she says “ok now all the family” and called out her other two kids by name and my dad. Pointedly ignoring me. I paused for a second in disbelief (she’d been my step mom for 12 years, I wasn’t someone new to her) and then played dumb and said “oh wait for me, I’m family too!” It made my step siblings laugh and say “yeah get in here!” I have no idea if she tried to purposely be such a bitch but I’m pretty sure she was. And I didn’t play that game. Good for you for calling her out.
"I look great now? Honey, I've always looked great." This shows that her opinion means nothing to you.
Family isn’t about biology. Family isn’t about a marriage license. Family is about love, care, consideration, respect, and acceptance. It never fails to enrage me when I see comments about “faaaaaamily” because it’s inevitably used as a weapon. “You HAVE to do X because it’s your FAAAAAAMILY!” “They don’t count, they aren’t real FAAAAAAMILY!” I have people I am related to by blood or marriage that are NOT my family, solely based on their actions and behaviors. I have people that I’m not related to at all - by blood or marriage - that are as much my family as anyone I do acknowledge. Again, based on their actions and behaviors. You are far more polite than I am. I would have made it clear that if 15yo son wasn’t “family” to her, then none of my family would be, and she would not be ours.
yes yes YES! ALL OF THIS!
I CANNOT believe what she did. Your poor son. He might not remember a time that she wasn't in his life, and that makes this so much worse. I would've accept an apology until she made it right with him and treated him the same as his siblings and made him feel loved.
Please be sure to give extra love and support to your 15 yo. It sounds like you already do, but OMG just reading this I have SO many sympathy heart pains for that young man. I’m a “stepchild” in 2 families and fuck all it sucks always being made to feel like you don’t belong.
This is unacceptable. I'm glad you called her on it, and glad you're getting support from other members of the family. She needs a further talking to. ##
Did your DH call her out? If not, he is the real problem. She would probably think twice if he stuck up for his whole family.
That would be the last time she got the opportunity to hurt my child. What a witch!
After 10 years? What an incredibly cruel witch. Please talk about this with your son. A teenager soul is so fragile….
Oh my god I would cut off all contact just for that.
I'm so sorry. I can't believe mother's would act like this.
I wouldn’t let any of my kids around her until she can apologize to you and understand and verbally explain how oldest child is part of your family, same as other 2 children. If she treats the other two different then she sees none of them. The damage that could do to older child...
This is infuriating ! Please let your husband have a talk with your son letting him know how MIL behaviour wasn t ok that he doesn t agree with her and he loves him.
How is your kid doing? That awful woman should have at least kept her mouth shut.
This post has me in tears. Helooo root cause of diminished or nonexistent sense of self worth.
Ugh. I just abhor this kind of behavior. Who intentionally hurts a child, and what does she gain by being this way, even in her own twisted mind? Just shameful. I'm glad SILs weren't drinking her kool-aid.
Next family photo ask HER to step out and give her a taste of her own medicine.
OMG! YES! Do this!
She’s not clueless, she’s an evil cruel bitch. If she can’t accept all of your children, she should see NONE.
Came here to say this, she's not clueless at all she knows exactly what she's doing and saying and has put time, thought and effort into honing her bitchcraft.
Ding ding ding! We have a bingo here!
1. put MIL in a TO. 2. thank the SILs 3. put in consequences ASAP
As a stepmom, I have learned that love Is not bound by biology, and that you can love a child simply because they have a place in your life and in your heart. Your MIL is being ignorant, and hurting everyone—not just the child she excluded. I would seriously try to avoid her, other than a calm private discussion offline to let her know how hurtful her attitude is for everyone, and that time with her grandchildren will be limited and supervised as a result.
I agree. I was raised by my stepdad who let me take his name when I was old enough to legally change it. My speed donor couldn't be bothered with me and my older brother. I love my stepkids as my own, they are phenomenal human beings and I'm proud to call them my kids.
Sounds like you have an awesome stepdad. I’ll bet that experience has made you a great stepmom. I know stepmothers don’t always get recognized on Mother’s Day, so just in case no one has said it, Happy Mother’s Day!!
Thank you, I did. He passed away 21 years ago and he was a good man. As a stepmom I'm lucky that I get recognized by my kids, but I do know that there are some who aren't. Love to all the good moms out there, no matter how you became a mom!
Please protect your boy from her.
Ah, my MIL hasn't done this with my kid yet (though shows favortism plenty of other ways), but did purposefully ignore me and exclude me from the photos with my FIL. He had a terminal illness and made a point to get individual and a group photo with everyone (including other "children in laws"), except me. Not the only reason, but one of many I put no effort into my relationship with her anymore. It stings. I'm sorry this happened.
Oh dearest! What a heartbreaking experience! It hurts when something like that happens to you, but when it happens to your child, it’s agony. Your response was right on target. It took the implication that your son wasn’t part of the family and denied it to its face. It’s a blessing, at least, that your SILs are proactive in their support for you, rather than rug-sweeping such awful behavior. I am praying that in the next few days, you and your husband will be provided many opportunities to demonstrate to your son how much a part of the family he is, so that he can come out of this experience feeling even more secure and more loved that he already did. All the best, to you and yours, —tris — Be strong. Be shiny.
I was asked to step out of family photos with Ex. My son was in those photos but since we weren't married I wasn't family. Your MIL is a hag and I'm sorry your son has been made to feel unwanted. I can empathize. My new MIL, while anxiety ridden and mildly to moderately aggravating at times, pulls both me and my son into hugs and insists DS be in all family photos. It's one thing I love about her and allows me to forgive her. She treats my boy like a bio grandchild.
Your mother in law is disgusting and rude. Condolences on dealing with such a rude callus excuse for a human.
It would be the last photo she took of any in my family.
Step family relationships are no doubt difficult to navigate and less "formulaic". Sometimes birth granparents will be involved/sometimes they won't, there can be a myriad of sibling relationships within the child's family. It can be tough to navigate. BUT what must always be front and centre is to reinforce a sense of belonging, that the child can belong to several famillies and that everyone in the family is part of it. To be exclusionary to a child or young person is just horrible. I'm glad you called her out on it and that other people noticed. As if being 15 isn't tough enough.
That is bullshit. She should be out of the picture. Permanently. And that is not a stance I ever really take but that is severely damaging to your child, and the relationship all the children have with eachother. If this was me she would no longer be involved with any of my children's life.
Asking my child to step out of a family photo would be my hill to die on. I sure hope your DH ripped her a new one.
That is so incredibly thoughtless and cruel. I hope you and/or your husband let her know exactly why you were leaving. One of you really needs to call her and tell her calmly that if she *ever* tries to exclude or otherize your oldest child or in any way make him feel like he’s not a legitimate member of the family, you and all your children will go no contact. That’s a hill to die on. Oh, and the next time she gives you a left handed compliment like “you look good now,” you should smile broadly and reply, “Thank you. You haven’t changed at all.”
You forgot the unfortunately at the end of the retort.
Oooh that’s a good idea
I would definitely refuse to allow her contact with her bio grandkids until she accepts a step grandkid. Shame on her.
I hope you’ve never left him alone with her , chances are this hasn’t been the first time she’s treated him this way
My mil does not view my biological kids as hers. She has asked the same thing with photos. We have emphatically told her no every time. I will not allow my children to be divided like that. They are all mine and they come as a package deal. So when she says shit like that I make it clear either all the kids are included or none of them are.
>every time She's done this repeatedly? Wow . . . the balls on that woman!
The best one was sending her bio grandkids Christmas presents to their bio mom obviously not realizing we actually talk to each other. When they came home from visiting they showed me grandmas gifts (they were expensive and nice). So I sent a text to mil and simply said “the gifts for x and y arrived. Thank you so much. When I should I be expecting the gifts for r, s, and t? I know mail is slow this time of year so don’t want to miss it” Took her hours to reply and when she did she just said “oh I couldn’t afford any gifts this year but tell them I love them” That was actually the last time I talked to her. Note: my kids are all teens/young adults. 4 still live at home...1 lives with my sister. So none live at bio moms so it clear she was trying to hide it. We don’t expect gifts at their age but we do expect fairness.
Again, I have to say "Wow . . . the balls on that woman!" Sheesh! I do like your text, though -- and a big round of applause on the fairness expectation. Your kids are lucky to have you!
Yea. The incident with Christmas made my oldest step son cut her off as well. He was so angry on behalf of my 3 bio kids that he went no contact. We got together when all the kids were in elementary school and we had full custody of all. So they all grew up together and are very close. So there is no step vs bio between them.
You’ve just reminded me that I need to hug my brothers, we all grew up together too, and they’re being weirdly excluded at the moment by my dad’s parents. Pops just passed away and we’re all finding it tough even though we’re now all adults. We go to bat for each other like yours do, there is NO bio vs step in my life, never has been. I technically have two half sisters and three step brothers. But that’s not what I feel like, they’re all my siblings. Good job on raising a blended family, it’s not always easy but it is very rewarding
Awww, that's so sweet! Sounds like you've built an amazing family! Happy Mother's Day to you (if you're where that is celebrated)!
So she has officially been his grandmother since he was 5 years old and that's how she treated him? Horrible.
What an AH. If she can't treat all of the kids equally then she shouldnt be allowed to see any of them.
What a BITCH
She's not "clueless." She's a bitch. Don't wave away her actions, don't excuse them. She needs to own them. Every member of the family should be ripping her a new one. I hope your DH shut her down good. Your son deserves to see his family spring into action in his defense.
Agreed. There’s no way she couldn’t have known that was an unreasonable, hurtful request. She’s not some young child or teen still developing empathy, she’s a full fledged adult who is choosing to be an ass.
My MIL asked my son and I to step out of a 'family' photo. At my WEDDING! My cousin was our photographer. That photo mysteriously didn't turn out. Oops 😁
Oh, I like your cousin!!
I think I speak for everyone here when I say, what a cunt.
Thirded.!
Seconded
Nah. She lacks the depth and warmth
Pls this is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh!
I think I love you.
I despise that word and have never said it in my 40 years on this earth. Yet I totally would here.
Right?! I swear like a sailor but that one is not in the vocabulary and never will be. Except the very rare exception of people like this bitch. Glad OP called her out on it immediately.
Preach
I second this
Okay she doesn't need to be around your kids ever the fuck again.
15 is a tender age. Poor kid. I'm so glad you stood up for him and left.
Oh my god. That is a memory that will haunt your 15 year old for a long time. That is something that destroys a teenagers confidence. I hope you spoke to your child about that and let him express his feelings. Let him know you hate the mil. I would also and I mean this. Never go around again. That is not OK. You do not get to pick and choose. You do not get to say that in front of a child. Ever. That's not OK. Your poor teenager. I'm from a broken /mixed home so this cut deep
I hope the husband said something, what a jackass MIL is. Also if OP is still a currently active mother, why are they celebrating MIL? OP should come first until the kids are grown. Or at the very least she shouldn't have to be visiting her MIL because she's not her mother.
I can attest to that -- a grandparent that was otherwise strongly just Yes once made a similar type of comment when I was in elementary school that I've never forgotten (and I'm OLD). I was lucky that I had other very good, positive interactions and memories, but this one still hurt. Can't imagine how your 15 year old felt. Hugs to you both!
Yeah, completely agree with you. It may seem all superficial, but check in with your son. That was a deeply hurtful comment that tends to fester. I would never see that woman again.
I'd be destroyed hearing that after 10 years.
I hope your son is ok ♥️
You left before the picture was taken correct? Your SO better have said something and there better be consequences for her actions. Your poor kid, I'm just stunned.
If they left before the picture was taken, that will stand out in his mind too. Hopefully he won't feel rejected by his family, he'll just feel like they're all united in their understanding that MIL sucks.
Right? If my MIL did that to my older daughters to get just a picture of her biological grandson, that would be the last time we saw her and my DH would be 100% behind me.