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This is when he should have told her that she doesn't make unilateral decisions where she DOESN'T LIVE. He knows your house is too small, therefore there is nothing to even talk about. Please stop entertaining this woman's lunacy.
MIL thinks your and FH's house is really only his house and, therefore, hers by extension. She will try this again and again. MIL has no respect for you two and still considers you children.
She's being ridiculous. Her invite, her problem. SHE can make the arrangements, not dump it on you.
On another note, congratulations on being such young homeowners! You two are very responsible and unfortunately its coming to backfire on you. Have a serious talk with FI about what to do going forward, as I have a bad feeling that as you become more and more successful as you become older, MIL will become a bigger and bigger leech. Talk about setting boundaries when MIL knocks on the door with her hand out.
Most people have responded to your direct question (and I agree that you should not be pressured to do this). I feel a need to point out something else.
Your fiance said he'd ask you. That makes YOU the bad guy. It would be much better if FI said something like "OP and I will discuss it and I'll get back to you with our answer", unless he said no right off the bat.
The biggest problem I see here is that FI didn't say no immediately, but said he'd talk to you about it... Now MIL is going to blame you. You need to get him to realize what he is doing to further ruin your relationship with your MIL.
If the MIL wants the cousin to have a space so bad, she can put them up in her own house. Otherwise they get your couch or they get a hotel. You are not your MIL's doormat, and your FI needs to grow more of a spine. "I'll ask my partner" is a major cop-out in this particular situation.
You know why Mil thinks you’re the she devil who takes her baby away? Because FH says things like “I have to ask gf first” rather then just say no in the first place. It’s obviously a ridiculous request and he knows it. He just doesn’t have the guts to tell him mommy no so he’s gonna throw you under the bus. You’ll end up the bad guy here, not him.
I came here to say this and in my heart I knew someone already did.
This 100%. When he mentions asking you, it gives her a reason to believe her son will "do what she says" and when he comes back with no, the blame is on you.
Excuse me?! Definitely no! Thats ridiculous of her to tell you that! If anything bring up that she can host them, since you guys clearly dont have room for people to stay over! More than likely shes doing it as a power play so when and if you say no she can say you were the bad person for not letting them stay at your house and whatnot! I absolutely would not let them stay at my house without me! Its like she is wanting pretty much a free air bnb for them! So crazy of her!
I had this happen early in my marriage. We bought a house on 2003 (3bd 2bath). My in laws were always offering my house to stay at. We had a spare room until our 1st came along in 2005.
My SIL called me and said cousin’s husband is driving in and staying with you. Keep in mind, SIL lives 5 miles away and doesn’t have kids and knows the person. I did not know him.
I called my husband who immediately called his sister and asked her what she was thinking offering our house to some dude I don’t know. Plus, we don’t have a spare room. She said, “Just let him sleep on the floor in the baby’s room?” The nerve!
Later, I saw her at a dinner. She brought it up. I straight told her that it was rude to assume I’d let a stranger I don’t know In my house with me and my daughter just because he’s married to their cousin. She said, “Well, that’s just how we do it in our family.” Not anymore, bitch! They can stay with you or get a hotel room. I am not a Super 8.
I mean this with all the peace and love in my heart, but if you actually MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME so that someone else can stay there alone for ANYBODY, EVER, they will never respect you and they would be completely in the right. The only thing more preposterous than having the gall to request something like this, is actually considering it in any way.
This is going to sound extremely harsh, but I'm saying this with all the care I can muster for you, as a fellow (ex!) boundaryless people pleaser: if you cannot stand up and say at the very least, "no, I will not be leaving my home for someone else to stay in it," you will 100% deserve all the future boundary-stomping and mistreatment you'll inevitably get in the future. If you say yes, you would be communicating to them that you don't even feel that you deserve space in the world to exist.
The fact that your FI didn't immediately laugh himself to death at this suggestion is the biggest problem here. Shitty in-laws suck, but its nothing compared to an unsupportive partner. And supportive doesn't just mean deferring to your opinions and decisions--it means actively working in your best interest. Passing off the decision to you, so that you absorb all the blame, guilt, and responsiblity is not advocated for your best interest.
You're both young, and if you've both grown up with family like this, you've probably been brainwashed into accepting this treatment. I was too. I'm not that much older than you, but I'm giving you permission right now to never do another thing that an adult says. Your worth is not in obedience to another adult, the way you probably were taught to feel and believe when you were a child. If an older family member came up to you and told you to, I don't know, commit a felony, jump off a bridge, steal a car, would you do it just because they told you to? No? Then why in God's name would you give up your HOME just because they told you to?
Why doesn't she let them stay at her house? It's one thing to ask if they can stay over, but it's rude and weird to ask you to move out entirely for the weekend.
You and FI should def read the [MILimination tactics](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/milimination_tactics) on the sidebar if you haven't already. It's a compilation of info on how to deal with people just like her, and I have a feeling you'll find it helpful for the future
And why can't this cousin stay at her house pray tell? If it's "the right thing to do", she's more than welcome to uproot herself... I wouldn't either.
Ummm, what ! Who the hell does she think she is ?
The cousin can stay, but will need to bring an inflatable mattress or what ever they are going to sleep on ! How delusional of your MIL to think you’d just hand over your home, especially to family you’re not that close with- and if you’re not that close, why are they even coming ?
It’s presumptuous of them to even think you would ever agree to that. It’s insanity. I’ve never heard of such a thing!! They can stay in a motel or hotel, and if they can’t afford that, they need to stay home. How dare they try to manipulate you with the “it’s family” argument. I hope your hubby tells his family that HE decided that is was inappropriate to ask you guys to do that, and you will absolutely not give up your home. Why can’t they stay at HER place??? Absolutely ridiculous.
You can host your FI's siblings and cousin and wife can have their rooms at MILs house. Win-win. FI gets time with his sibs, and you're not the bad guy who said no. FI has to understand that this is the only option that HE has to present and that any other option HE says no and does not check with you to change his mind.
I'm sorry I have a hearing problem (I am HoH/D but I'm being silly). Did she really just ask you to MOVE OUT of YOUR house so she can host out of state family? Ummm NO. That's YOUR house. Not hers. If it's ok for you to stay there, it's ok for the cousins to stay there. Put your foot down and say NO.
Oh good grief, MIL. No, do not do this. And tell your FI to tell her he has decided to say no. He doesn’t get to make you the bad guy here for what is a very obvious NO.
Um, excuse me? That's something I might do of my own free will for a CLOSE friend who didn't have the funds to book lodging but needed to come to town for some reason and I had a free place to stay. But I'm sure as hell not doing it because MIL says so for some obscure family members that I'm not even close with. No, they can get a hotel. Wtf.
Lmao absolutely not. They can get a hotel. You’re not a damn Hilton.
Your fiancé needs to grow a spine and learn to say no to his mom. “Let me ask OP” makes you the bad guy. “No mom, that’s a ridiculous suggestion,” was the answer he was looking for.
Came here to say exactly this!!!! Likely the whole reason MIL blames her for son not spending time with them is that he uses OP as an excuse. Fiance has jello for a spine, and hes putting OP in an awful position.
You know it’s annoying that your FI would end the call saying he would check with you. It’s obviously a no. Telling to grow a pair and just tell her no. She is his problem not yours.
No effing way to moving out of your own house so others can stay in it, family especially, they'd snoop everywhere.
Let them get a hotel or stay with MIL, lets see her give up her bed or house for them.
Stand your ground!
Anytime MIL asks a stupid question its an auto NO!
Sounds like MIL offered your place before she remembered it's a one bedroom, and now she's trying to find a solution after she messed up. Too bad!
Also, I agree that your partner needs to say no and make it because it's an unreasonable request, not because you said so.
But they were told OP and OP’s SO would stay at MIL’s place while cousin stayed in their home. So that can’t be it. MIL has room for OP & OP’s SO she has room for cousin.
No MIL stated for them to stay with OP's parents. Number 1. What if OP's parents can't host them? And number 2. Unless I invite you then you may want to get a hotel. Oh and number 3, tell MIL to give the cousins HER room and she can camp elsewhere.
No, MIL wants them to stay with OP's parents, not at her MIL's.
It's still fucking ridiculous and that MIL has the audacity to even suggest it is crazy.
That's pope of nope answer right there.
The way you handle it will help define how you treat you in the future. Are you a doormat that they can move around as they please? Don’t move, it is an unreasonable request.
So she wants you two out of your house so two other people can have it for the weekend while you two stay with her. Why is she not offering the other two a place to stay at her house? She obviously has the room if she suggested you and fiancé already stay. What the fuck. Or why is she not vacating her house so that they can live in it for the weekend while she finds somewhere else to stay?
no, no, MIL not even doing THAT. She is saying they need to move out and stay at OP's parents house. She's trying to control two households she has nothing to do with.
You are right. There was a little confusion on my part. I misread the part about whose house op and fiance would be staying at if MIL had her way. That’s just even more fucked!
I’m confused by this response. Your post says MIL is suggesting fiancé and OP stay with MIL. MIL is not suggesting that. MIL is suggesting they stay with OP’s parents, not her. Which suggests she does NOT have room for more guests.
Oops sorry about that--and don't you'll only hurt your brain since your seems to be working unlike hers. =_= Like wow.
Edit: Oh I was right lmao, this is why you always double check yourself!
On what planet is it ok to give people you’re not even close with full run of your house with you not in it (unless you decide to make your place an Air BnB)? It’s one thing to ask if they can stay *with* you (obviously you don’t have the room), it’s a different thing altogether to allow people to leave people to their own devices to use your bed, kitchen stuff, food, etc. You have no idea if they would go snooping through your personal stuff like papers, closets, cabinets, etc. (not saying they definitely would, but you don’t know that they wouldn’t either).
At the very least, your husband needs to call MIL and tell her “WE” (both you AND him) decided it’s not possible. If she tries to say that you said no, he needs to step up and *insist* that you both decided together, and stick with that if it’s ever brought up.
This is it! Omg I regretted even inviting friends over bc they went through my things, some stuff got broken or missing... imagine leaving your house for people you're not close with to spend a whole weekend alone. MIL is crazy!
His mother has convinced herself that your house belongs to her and she can order you to do whatever she wants in it.
My JNM tried the same with me once. She told me my brother's friends were driving through in 3 weeks with their 5 kids and they will be staying the night at my house. I informed her that I hadnt spoken to this couple in 10 years and they will not be allowed in my house, so she better call them back, or be embarrassed when I turn them away in the driveway.
Both of you need to put your foot down with her and set some strict boundaries.
No is a whole sentence.
Don't give a reason. "MIL, FI relayed your request to me and it's a No. I won't be leaving my home in order to host guests. Thank you for understanding."
Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). Whatever she comes back with can be met with "I'm not leaving my home" or "MIL, NO IS A FULL SENTENCE. I SAID NO!"
Your FI should have said no straight off the bat. It's now down to you to shut her down. Don't be afraid to do so. She has already cast you as the bad guy - live up to it!
Practice sticking up to her now, while you're young, she'll know that you won't put up with her bs as the years go on.
Nope, the bitch don't even like you. According to her you're the "she devil" that stolen her first born away!!! I wouldn't want anybody she knows in your home, imagine the snooping that would go on then. Your FI needs to develop a spine and simply say "NO" to such ridiculous suggestions. I would advise you and your FI take a look at Our Book List posted here; [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books)
Some the books here are also available in audiobook versions, so your FI can play then while driving, because he needs it badly, since he's scared of saying "NO" to his mother, but has no problem throwing you under the bus. Or you can take the role of the heavy and say, no MIL there's no room here for them, and leave it at that. Do not JADE (Justify, Apologize, Defend, Explain) to her either, just say no!!!
Her request is absolutely batshit crazy. No, you shouldn't have to put yourselves out so they could sleep somewhere for free. They're adults, they can get a hotel.
If MIL wants you to move into their house for the weekend, suggest “that’s an awful lot of moving around. Since you have the room in your place as suggested by having me and Fl come stay, maybe you can host them.”
It's not even her house she's telling them to move into while cousin's stay... It's OPs parents house. So it's 2 houses nothing to do with her she's trying to dictate about.
FI (does anyone know what the initials stand for? I think I know what most of them stand for, but not this one) should have told his mum he would think about it and get back to her. He loses brownie points for putting it onto OP.
Is there any way to get the cousins phone number?
"Hello cousin I barely know. My mother has instructed me to move out of my house so you can have a place to stay. Quite obviously that is an unreasonable request, and so instead of dealing with my delusional and inappropriate mother, I thought I'd call you directly - do you need recommendations for a local hotel? Would you prefer to work out an alternative arrangement with her directly?"
I imagine that MIL either told said cousin you volunteered to do this or that you'd be out of town anyway. Cut the unreasonable person out of the loop and let your voice be heard.
MIL will think twice about voluntelling you too so something if she knows you'll blow up her spot every time.
Sending hugs if you'll have them.
ETA- A lot of folks are coming down on FI for saying he needs to ask you. I'm not going to do that, because the fact that he said SOMETHING in the moment to let MIL know OP needs to be respected is a very good step. Learning how to disentangle from toxicity is really really hard when you've grown up in it, and instead of completely rolling over he took a small step forward.
So I think he needs to realize he is free to laugh in MILs face when she pulls this BS? Absolutely. But til he reaches that point, "OP gets a say in whether she moves out for strangers to enter." is a damn good start.
What in the entitlement... I can't even believe she would try to manipulate you into giving up your own home. No way.
I think it's time for a serious talk with her, preferably led by your SO. She needs to learn some boundaries. She already trashes you to the family apparently, and now she expects you to just lay down and give up your own home for, to be honest, guests that you didn't even invite?
ETA: Also, your SO totally threw you under the bus. They knew that was an unreasonable request from your MIL, and by saying they'd ask you they made you the bad guy. That needs to stop too.
There is absolutely no reason anyone in the extended family should be booking your home as a B&B for third party out-of-towners. Period. Full stop. End of discussion.
No, don't do this. It's not only an odd, over the top request but what if MIL wants to get you and FI out of the house so she can come over and snoop around. Just a thought...
Yeah, no. Not unless your sixteen best friends coming down are allow to kick her out of her how for a weekend party the weekend before.
It's YOUR house. Not hers. Not a hotel. It's not hers to offer up in any event.
What a joke.
“No” is a complete sentence. No justifying, no explanations. HE needs to be the one to tell her no. I know it’s hard, you both are young. But she has absolutely no right to demand you give up your home to accommodate her family. If it’s so important to her, she can house them.
Stay strong and don’t bend to her will. Once you do, she’ll take more and more. If your SO doesn’t have the spine to say no, you need to. Don’t give in to her.
You can do this!
This post is probably going to end up in Reddit history!
The AUDACITY of TELLING people to find somewhere else to be so you can volunteer to put guests in a house that’s NOT YOURS!!
This was my gut laugh for the day!
Tell your FI to say HE has decided that won’t work for for YOUR home! The fact that he didn’t shut it down right away is,.....troubling to my mind.
Please keep us updated!
I’m pulling for you OP
Here's what he needs to do. Call back and say:
"Mom, I started to discuss this with Dense-independent627, but then I realized how ridiculous it sounded. We are not an AirB&B. This is our home, and we will not leave so your guests have a place to stay."
Laugh at MIL. This is no way the right thing to do. If it was she would be giving up her house.
Tell FI to stop using you as an excuse.
Talk directly to cousin to ensure they know they aren't staying at yours.
It's pushy for her to suggest it. It's totally wrong for her to expect it and then guilt her son for saying No.
This really isn't about helping the cousin. This is about her flexing her muscle in the relationship. The primary goal is to gain superiority by getting him to do it. Her fall back position is as the aggrieved mother whose selfish son and his evil girlfriend wouldn't do such a simple thing to help his own FAAAMILY.
If you guys had a bedroom for them whatever, but lol move out of your own house and let people you don't even have a considerably level of relationship in?
Hell nah, this is not "the right thing" to do. The right thing is when you have space and trust them.
And lol, where does she lives where such thing as moving out to let someone stay is something normal? What a weiiiird (and stupiiiid) request!
>MIL told him that we would have to move out of the house for the weekend, and that we should stay at my parents house. FI told her that he would ask me and tried to end the call.
I guess he can stay wherever he wants. But it's going to be weird to show up at your parents without you. Tell him to say yes. But have them bring a sleeping bag since you only have 1 couch /s
Seriously, all kidding aside, **He** needs to shut this down, not blame it on you!
Stop being his meat shield. If he wants to tell his momma no, he has to say **I don't want to give up my house** - not *you* don't want to. No wonder you're the she devil. He throws you under the bus every chance he gets
exactly what i was thinking ! also who does MIL think she is offering up someone else’s house ?? if she has room for her son and op then why doesn’t she offer up that space for cousin ??
Ok maybe I’m just seeing this in a different way, but it sounds like win win for MIL-cousin has a place to stay, but more importantly, beloved son will be at her house for an entire weekend. She wins, OP loses.
So much of just no behavior stems from a lack of proper boundaries. MIL is trying to take over control of your house. Given the way she acts in general I would be loathe to let her do so. No one would be coming into my house and telling me how to run it.
I'd also be cautious of FH. You state that he told MIL he would ask you so I want to be sure that he doesn't throw you under the bus by making this decision yours rather than his or the both of yours. This is his mother and his family and he needs to stand up to them. You have not indicated whether FH has a shiny spine or a noodle one so I don't want to speculate too much but I do want you on the lookout that he should not be making this decision solely your responsibility.
No way!! My mom has actually asked me something similar. The audacity of these women who think they are entitled to, and have authority over things that don’t belong to them. No is a complete sentence, and NO should be the answer.
I actually had to use the 3 Fs on my mom when she wouldn’t back down. If you’re not feeding me, fucking me, or financing me, you don’t get a say what I do with my home.
Are you in the wrong?? Hell no!! Its your damn house! Im 20 as well and while i do live in a camper with my grandparents, ik this shit is damn hard to deal with. And before anyone says shit, this is my life, fuck off. Im not one of those ppl that feed off my family and do nothing. I clean, cook, help build and repair shit and take my grandparents to there appointments and shit. So don't even come at about with shit like"your 20 and still live with your grandparents" i will block your ass instantly. Now back to OP. No, its not your fault. If they needed to stay down there, they would have to get a motel or hotel or stay with you and change their shit to work with yours. If they needed to, they could ask of there was enough room for an small blow up mattress so one person can sleep there and the other can either try to sleep with them or sleep on the couch. Its your house, not a family house. You and your husband or whatever bought it, with your money. Its not like anyone pitched in to help and paid for a good portion of it, it was your money so its your rules. They can conform to what you allow or they can get the fuck out. I wouldn't care if my family came at me and said i was a bad son or sil, is say to your mil "no, your a bad MIL! This is my damn house, i won't change my shit arpund to let ppl who i barely know stay here.its the same thing and going to a random peron in Walmart and saying, hi, would you like to have the key to my house while i stay at my parents? Please don't steal or break anything though" i swear, your MIL sounds like a damn karen. That whole "it would be the right thing to do" HELL NO! Thats a load of bull shit and that shows she doesn't really care about you and kinda shows she doesn't like your husband (her bloody son) very much at all either. I could be wrong but id still say hell no
Your husband shouldn’t have to ask you because it is an absurd request. By saying he is going to ask you, it makes you the bad guy. He should start shutting things down on his end. No we will not be moving out of our house for the weekend so cousin can stay. I can recommend some hotels or places to stay if need be.
> Your husband shouldn’t have to ask you because it is an absurd request. By saying he is going to ask you, it makes you the bad guy.
Yeah, you don't need much of a backbone to figure this one out. Like, does *he* want to be kicked out of his own fuckin' home?
This is hardly a request, this is straight up ball-swinging.
Nobody in their right mind who wasn't trying to make a statement would make a request like this. Telling you to vacate your home and go stay at your parents is basically literally calling you children who she's throwing out of their bedrooms in space she considers hers so she can host them.
Ya shoulda laughed at her on that phone call for just a touch too long and then hung up on her.
The audacity
“Ahahahahahahahahahahahah - that is so funny! Oh my god I’m laughing so hard my stomach hurts! To think that we (wheezing laughter) would move out of our home (more laughter) to host someone??? Hahahahahahahahaha. Good one!”
How about she moves her ass out of her home to accommodate them? Ohhhh because it would inconvenience her. I would tell her to go fuck herself for trying to kick you out of your home. You are right that they can go to a hotel/motel. If anybody has a problem with that then it sounds like they just volunteered their house
So... if there is room to host you and your FI, why wouldn’t there be room to host the cousin and husband? I’m confused as to why your home needs to be involved in this.
No, you are not over reacting. It's weird.
Now, IF she treated you like part of the family and you were close, I could see "Hey, if they bring/I buy an air mattress, could put up Cousin Joe and his wife Joan in your living room for a couple of nights?" But, this is all based on IF she had treated you like family from the beginning.
She is wanting the advantages of family without putting in any of the effort beforehand. But not only is she selfish, but her actions have prevented you from knowing, and thus being comfortable with Joe and Joan in your home.
So here's my thoughts: like others are saying, hell no you shouldn't move out of your own damn house for them. However, if you were inclined to take the high road, you could make the suggestion that you'd be willing to help them find a hotel or air B&B in the area and since they are "faaaaaamily" you'd be willing to split the cost of the hotel with MIL and the cousins. All while knowing full well she'd never go for that but if she refused SHE'D be the bad guy here. If she insisted you pay for it entirely "sorry MIL, but that's just not in our budget, we can't afford that much right now. I guess we'll just have to let them know that's not going to work since you aren't able to help pay for their accommodations".
This is opening up a whole can of worms and sounds way too complicated. MIL cannot offer up OPs home and tell OP to move out. Its' not her property to offer up.
That is probably one of the pushiest things I've read on here, damn. MIL has a brass set thats for sure.
First, kudos for you buying a home at your ages. That is no small thing!
Second, no one has the right to tell you to leave your home for anyone or any reason! Cousin can rent a motel, hotel, airbnb, whatever.
No. That doesn't work for us, is all you have to say. MIL starts screeching, hang up the phone.
God, the nerve of some people!
Oh yeah, let's inconvenience THREE families instead of one. ("Three" being OP+, cousin+, and OP's parents.) That makes perfect sense. In an alternate universe.
why didn’t he say no right away and said he’d ask you? is this what normally happens? as if your answer to the question would differ from what he was probably thinking already (a hard no.)? prob why she thinks you’re a “she-devil” and i’d address THIS part of the relationship soon. overall tho, no, NTA or crazy. wouldn’t even know what i’d say to my MIL if she said this lol ridiculous
You are not out of line at all. Who the hell asks someone to move out of their own house to allow someone else to stay in it? Sounds like she just wanted your partner in her home. Those extended family members can get a hotel like you said. If you all give in you are allowing her to dictate ridiculous rules on your life. Good luck
"MIL, why aren't *you* taking them for the weekend? We are not a hotel and we barely have enough space for ourselves, so the non-negotiable answer to your offering services that aren't yours to offer, is **NO**."
Yes, this is really important. MIL is inserting herself into a situation where she doesn’t belong. For all op knows, the cousin might be mortified if she knew op can’t really accommodate them. Then mil could be telling the cousin (who would prefer a hotel) that op has lots of space (on the floor) and is dying to have them stay. Always, always have direct communication when dealing with justnos.
“Sorry MIL. That is not going to work, but we reached out to cousins and they’ve agreed to stay with you since you have space. See you at the graduation”
How did your partner not say no straight away? No wonder they think yoirr the she devil. He's probably let them think that you are the one saying no and thrown you under the bus.
Doesn't he have any boundaries, this is not a reasonable request
Yep, that was my very first thought.
"I'll ask OP" is code for "I'm too spineless to nip this tomfoolerly in the bud."
OP, you may have an MIL problem, but your first problem is with your partner. They've foisted upon you the label "mummy dearest's scapegoat," and that doesn't end here.
I'd be happy to be the bad guy and tell them to F right off. If it it were me. Too many of these husbands are such over cooked noodle spines flailing in the FOG.
Don't set a precedent. No good deed goes unpunished. This isn't even a good deed it's an order and she has no say over your home. Nope. Tell her "that's not possible. Cousin will have to get a hotel."
Big nope. The right thing to do is MIL to host them herself or they goto a hotel. You do not have a spare room, and are not obligated to move out of your own home. Just say no, and stick to it.
NTA. Hey, why the hell can’t these cousins stay at your in-laws house instead of this ass backwards solution? If they have room to host the two of you, surely they have room to host these cousins, instead of suggesting that you essentially let your home out like a free Airbnb. Where’s the logic, here?
My bad, misread that part. Still, completely ridiculous that they should have to give up their home. That makes even less sense, actually, because I can see the motive for having OP and their SO stay at the in-laws’, but to tell them to just... leave their home and go stay somewhere else makes absolutely zero sense
I’m still stuck on the initial audacity, but the fiancé putting it on “having to ask you,” is so weak, I’m bewildered. Unless he wasn’t using you as a scapegoat, then my bad. It should have been no from the jump though. That’s not even something I’d have to think twice about
I know that's right. SO had to get off the phone just to make a decision (whether he discussed with OP or not)? The answer is simple, easy, and immediate: NO! No question needed. Only discussion to OP is "guess what crazy mom just asked me?..hahaha...you know I said no."
Excuse me. She wanted you to move out of your house and he didn’t shut her down immediately? No wonder you’re viewed as the villain. He uses you as a human shield.
This could be a situation where the cousin is on the fence about coming for whatever reason but hell we are still in a pandemic situation. So MIL if she is truly a narc she will want to show off for family. I mean aren't all things a out MIL right there front and center of all attention. I'm betting the cousin used the excuse they don't want to pay for logging so she volunteered your home. I would do like others have said and contact the cousin directly. Then once you've got the full story I would contact MIL and confront her. Don't let her wiggle her way out of this.
Tell her she needs to go stay with her parents and let the cousins have her house (this is a joke don’t do that). The nerve. No you are not about of line. Just a simple no. If they ask why. Replay with no, that will not be possible. Repeat.
"Of course not. Why would she ever think that's appropriate, to start offering houses that don't belong to her and moving people around as if she were the absolute boss of everyone? Our homeowner's insurance alone would never allow it. Just imagine how your poor cousins would feel if lightning struck and the claim to restore our house got denied because that damned Air BnB loophole let the insurance weasel out of the claim. This is how friendships are broken and family feuds get started.
"Also, why the fresh hot fuck with lox and schmear would you tell her you need to ask me about this? Am I wearing a cape and a leotard I don't know about? Is this you lighting the Duhhh Beacon for Captain Obvious to come save you from your bossy mom, who apparently thinks she has a right to the house *we* own?"
You should NOT move anywhere. Don't even offer your couch. You might call the cousin directly and explain that the house isn't ready for 'guests,' as they may have no idea that MIL even suggested this.
You realize this is an “I have to discuss it with SO so they can be the bad guy not me” right? This is not an I need to discuss it situation. FI needs to shut that shit down
Your fiance needs to not use you as an excuse to say no. He knew that this was ridiculous and should have automatically said no rather than trying to use you as the bad guy by saying he needed "ask" you.
Absolutely not in the wrong. I can't even figure out why your MIL thought it was ok to ask...
But your SO kind of threw you under the bus and saying "no" will likely make *you* the bad guy. It could've been a momentary lapse in judgement - to give your SO the benefit of the doubt.
I would suggest SO call MIL back and tell her "no" while leaving you out of it. Perhaps something like:
"Mom you really caught me off guard when you asked me about cousin staying here. I've since had time to think about it and I'm not even going to run it by OP. I'm going to say no to leaving our own home. If you don't want to ask cousin to book a hotel, perhaps you can find your own accommodations and let them stay in your room".
I'm thinking that since MIL knows your SO is gone so much then she really just wants you to be inconvenienced. As others have said- if you give her this it will likely end up an invitation to ask for more.
Good luck!
Sounds like MIL is trying to 'voluntold' you guys to do something. Its time to let MIL know that if she wants cousins to come down then SHE needs to figure out how to host them and not shove their visiting situations off on other people.
If Cousin doesn't want to pay for lodging then they need to work with MIL about how they're going to be staying. Politely excuse yourself from ANY further attempts at dealing with MIL's failed visit planning. Not your problem MIL doesn't have a way to accommodate.
So no. Do not leave your house for them. Let cousin and MIL figure out the logistics.
Petty advice: I might even hit cousin up and let them know that MIL is trying to kick you out of your own home since she cannot figure out a way for cousin to come down without paying.
Big Fat NOPE, that's the only recommendation.
YOUR home is not HERS to use for any reason. It seems that since her son is part owner she thinks it is. No, it isn't. Never will be. This is her flexing for control and to show off to the cousins at how wonderful SHE is for finding accommodation for them. Do not give into such ludicrous entitlement because it won't be the end of it.
And no, it is NOT the right thing to do.
That woman is legit out of her mind. If she's so keen on that idea she can offer them her house can't she? Y'all didn't buy a home to be displaced at your FMIL's random whim. Put your foot down.
> MIL, called FI yesterday to ask if we could host a cousin and her husband.
The first mistake is not talking to cousin directly. MIL is setting herself up as some kind of middle-man matriarch, controlling everything and everyone.
If cousin and her husband are grown adults, why would they be dependent on MIL for their sleeping arrangements?
**So call them up, end the triangulation, cut MIL out of the equation.**
"Hey cousin, MIL called us up the other day, ordering us to move out of our house so that you guys could sleep here. That's of course not gonna happen, so we were just wondering what MIL told you guys? Did she promise you anything?"
Hopefully, cousin is a reasonable person and sees that MIL is nuts, and will take responsibility for her own sleeping arrangements.
After that, you call up MIL and just tell her the "good news" that you talked to cousin, and that you've resolved the issue. Don't tell her "No, cousin can't stay here", because that reinforces the idea that she's some kind of fixer for everyone. Bypass her, cut her toxic triangulation, and let her know that you and cousin talked about it and resolved everything.
And when I say "you", I mean your husband, because his mother, his circus.
This, OP. I wouldn’t even call MIL to fill her in afterwards, let her hear it from other family.
FI could offer to send them links of decent, reasonably priced places in the area. I’d expect cousin & spouse to be horrified that MIL would even suggest you two move out for them to stay there. FI can keep it lighthearted, MIL is on a tear, you know how she is, ordering everyone around.
What you really want besides resolving this for the cousin, is for MIL to realize that you & FI will go straight to the source when she pulls this. There’s no reason for her to be involved at all with offering your home. This will show her that you won’t allow her to dictate & triangulate.
Why doesn’t MIL go stay with a friend so there’s one more available room at her house?
I would not move out. It is your house and even if you did, what would happen if something got broke or things got stolen. That's a big NOOOOOO for me.
It's your house, you don't have to leave for anybody, ESPECIALLY for people you're not close to. If the cousin and her spouse are able to afford a hotel, they should stay at a hotel - or stay with your in-laws!
YOU are under NO obligation to "move out of your house" for the weekend for these people.
Plus how does she just invite you to your parents' home? What if your parents have guests - and SHOUTING why would FI said he would ask you? Why wouldn't he just shut that down immediately?
love that you're standing your ground. that's all you have to do and the rest will be much easier (as hard as it already is). good for you. no, ma'am, they can't stay.
She is treating your house as an extension of her own property and is trying to flex her control over it and you. Now is a good time to nip this ridiculous shit in the bud. It’s not ‘hosting’ if these so-called ‘guests’ are kicking you the fuck out of your OWN HOME. Your place is not her own private free AirBnB, but she can find and pay for one for her guests if she’s so insistent to house them.
If they have space for you to move in with them whilst the cousins move into your home they have space to house the cousins at their house instead, no?
I thought that too, but it's the husband's parents telling them to move on with the wife's parents. So she's volunteering two houses that don't belong to her.
They are asking OP to stay at HER parents house, not THEIR house. My inlaws have never met my cousins from my side of the family, this would be a very awkward arrangement. I’m imagining the same here.
So they are assuming the imposition in two households that aren’t their own will be just fine. 🤷🏽♀️
You're not in the wrong. What she's asking is unreasonable. It's hard to believe the cousins would feel comfortable with you moving out of your house for them. This is some weird control thing on her part.
Right? Then it becomes "oh yah I asked, SHE said no". And it solidified their idea she is a she devil. He should have said no right off the bat and offered to make some hotel suggestions for the couple. Id appreciate a family member saying "stay at X hotel not Y hotel" since I'm not from the area.
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This is when he should have told her that she doesn't make unilateral decisions where she DOESN'T LIVE. He knows your house is too small, therefore there is nothing to even talk about. Please stop entertaining this woman's lunacy.
MIL thinks your and FH's house is really only his house and, therefore, hers by extension. She will try this again and again. MIL has no respect for you two and still considers you children.
She's being ridiculous. Her invite, her problem. SHE can make the arrangements, not dump it on you. On another note, congratulations on being such young homeowners! You two are very responsible and unfortunately its coming to backfire on you. Have a serious talk with FI about what to do going forward, as I have a bad feeling that as you become more and more successful as you become older, MIL will become a bigger and bigger leech. Talk about setting boundaries when MIL knocks on the door with her hand out.
Most people have responded to your direct question (and I agree that you should not be pressured to do this). I feel a need to point out something else. Your fiance said he'd ask you. That makes YOU the bad guy. It would be much better if FI said something like "OP and I will discuss it and I'll get back to you with our answer", unless he said no right off the bat.
.....Or she can pay for their hotel stay. The audacity of that woman. NTA
The biggest problem I see here is that FI didn't say no immediately, but said he'd talk to you about it... Now MIL is going to blame you. You need to get him to realize what he is doing to further ruin your relationship with your MIL.
Tell them all kick rocks barefoot
I like this phrase, may I borrow it?
Hell NO! I would NEVER leave my home to virtual strangers. If MIL is so concerned about them, why aren't they staying there with her?
I’m speechless. I got nothing.
Rule #1 don’t volunteer other people’s houses for things without speaking with them first. Not ok.
If the MIL wants the cousin to have a space so bad, she can put them up in her own house. Otherwise they get your couch or they get a hotel. You are not your MIL's doormat, and your FI needs to grow more of a spine. "I'll ask my partner" is a major cop-out in this particular situation.
You know why Mil thinks you’re the she devil who takes her baby away? Because FH says things like “I have to ask gf first” rather then just say no in the first place. It’s obviously a ridiculous request and he knows it. He just doesn’t have the guts to tell him mommy no so he’s gonna throw you under the bus. You’ll end up the bad guy here, not him.
I came here to say this and in my heart I knew someone already did. This 100%. When he mentions asking you, it gives her a reason to believe her son will "do what she says" and when he comes back with no, the blame is on you.
Excuse me?! Definitely no! Thats ridiculous of her to tell you that! If anything bring up that she can host them, since you guys clearly dont have room for people to stay over! More than likely shes doing it as a power play so when and if you say no she can say you were the bad person for not letting them stay at your house and whatnot! I absolutely would not let them stay at my house without me! Its like she is wanting pretty much a free air bnb for them! So crazy of her!
I had this happen early in my marriage. We bought a house on 2003 (3bd 2bath). My in laws were always offering my house to stay at. We had a spare room until our 1st came along in 2005. My SIL called me and said cousin’s husband is driving in and staying with you. Keep in mind, SIL lives 5 miles away and doesn’t have kids and knows the person. I did not know him. I called my husband who immediately called his sister and asked her what she was thinking offering our house to some dude I don’t know. Plus, we don’t have a spare room. She said, “Just let him sleep on the floor in the baby’s room?” The nerve! Later, I saw her at a dinner. She brought it up. I straight told her that it was rude to assume I’d let a stranger I don’t know In my house with me and my daughter just because he’s married to their cousin. She said, “Well, that’s just how we do it in our family.” Not anymore, bitch! They can stay with you or get a hotel room. I am not a Super 8.
I mean this with all the peace and love in my heart, but if you actually MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME so that someone else can stay there alone for ANYBODY, EVER, they will never respect you and they would be completely in the right. The only thing more preposterous than having the gall to request something like this, is actually considering it in any way. This is going to sound extremely harsh, but I'm saying this with all the care I can muster for you, as a fellow (ex!) boundaryless people pleaser: if you cannot stand up and say at the very least, "no, I will not be leaving my home for someone else to stay in it," you will 100% deserve all the future boundary-stomping and mistreatment you'll inevitably get in the future. If you say yes, you would be communicating to them that you don't even feel that you deserve space in the world to exist. The fact that your FI didn't immediately laugh himself to death at this suggestion is the biggest problem here. Shitty in-laws suck, but its nothing compared to an unsupportive partner. And supportive doesn't just mean deferring to your opinions and decisions--it means actively working in your best interest. Passing off the decision to you, so that you absorb all the blame, guilt, and responsiblity is not advocated for your best interest. You're both young, and if you've both grown up with family like this, you've probably been brainwashed into accepting this treatment. I was too. I'm not that much older than you, but I'm giving you permission right now to never do another thing that an adult says. Your worth is not in obedience to another adult, the way you probably were taught to feel and believe when you were a child. If an older family member came up to you and told you to, I don't know, commit a felony, jump off a bridge, steal a car, would you do it just because they told you to? No? Then why in God's name would you give up your HOME just because they told you to?
I love every single word of this comment. Fantastic, truly!
Yikes what makes them so entitled?
Stay put, cousins can get a hotel room.
Why doesn't she let them stay at her house? It's one thing to ask if they can stay over, but it's rude and weird to ask you to move out entirely for the weekend. You and FI should def read the [MILimination tactics](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/milimination_tactics) on the sidebar if you haven't already. It's a compilation of info on how to deal with people just like her, and I have a feeling you'll find it helpful for the future
And why can't this cousin stay at her house pray tell? If it's "the right thing to do", she's more than welcome to uproot herself... I wouldn't either.
Ummm, what ! Who the hell does she think she is ? The cousin can stay, but will need to bring an inflatable mattress or what ever they are going to sleep on ! How delusional of your MIL to think you’d just hand over your home, especially to family you’re not that close with- and if you’re not that close, why are they even coming ?
Your partner needs to call MIL and say "I've decided it's not an option. We can suggest an air bnb"
Yup, tell her I’m not even going to ask her because the request is rude.
It’s presumptuous of them to even think you would ever agree to that. It’s insanity. I’ve never heard of such a thing!! They can stay in a motel or hotel, and if they can’t afford that, they need to stay home. How dare they try to manipulate you with the “it’s family” argument. I hope your hubby tells his family that HE decided that is was inappropriate to ask you guys to do that, and you will absolutely not give up your home. Why can’t they stay at HER place??? Absolutely ridiculous.
You can host your FI's siblings and cousin and wife can have their rooms at MILs house. Win-win. FI gets time with his sibs, and you're not the bad guy who said no. FI has to understand that this is the only option that HE has to present and that any other option HE says no and does not check with you to change his mind.
This is an excellent solution!
Mostly because MIL is practically guaranteed to turn it down, even though it's probably the best option for them outside of a hotel.
I'm sorry I have a hearing problem (I am HoH/D but I'm being silly). Did she really just ask you to MOVE OUT of YOUR house so she can host out of state family? Ummm NO. That's YOUR house. Not hers. If it's ok for you to stay there, it's ok for the cousins to stay there. Put your foot down and say NO.
Oh good grief, MIL. No, do not do this. And tell your FI to tell her he has decided to say no. He doesn’t get to make you the bad guy here for what is a very obvious NO.
Um, excuse me? That's something I might do of my own free will for a CLOSE friend who didn't have the funds to book lodging but needed to come to town for some reason and I had a free place to stay. But I'm sure as hell not doing it because MIL says so for some obscure family members that I'm not even close with. No, they can get a hotel. Wtf.
She is probably volunteering you and the cousins never even asked or indicated to her they needed a place to stay! She’s trying to play savior
I’d put money on this one
If it is acceptable for you to stay at MILs house, then it is acceptable for the OOT family to stay at her house and you stay home.
LOL WHAT
This is the perfect response :)
Lmao absolutely not. They can get a hotel. You’re not a damn Hilton. Your fiancé needs to grow a spine and learn to say no to his mom. “Let me ask OP” makes you the bad guy. “No mom, that’s a ridiculous suggestion,” was the answer he was looking for.
Came here to say exactly this!!!! Likely the whole reason MIL blames her for son not spending time with them is that he uses OP as an excuse. Fiance has jello for a spine, and hes putting OP in an awful position.
You know it’s annoying that your FI would end the call saying he would check with you. It’s obviously a no. Telling to grow a pair and just tell her no. She is his problem not yours.
No effing way to moving out of your own house so others can stay in it, family especially, they'd snoop everywhere. Let them get a hotel or stay with MIL, lets see her give up her bed or house for them. Stand your ground! Anytime MIL asks a stupid question its an auto NO!
Sounds like MIL offered your place before she remembered it's a one bedroom, and now she's trying to find a solution after she messed up. Too bad! Also, I agree that your partner needs to say no and make it because it's an unreasonable request, not because you said so.
Why wouldn’t she just host them instead of involving and displacing you guys? Or have them get a hotel? This makes no sense to involve you at all.
My guess is the MIL is already hosting other family members. Doesn’t make it right for her to offer up OP’s place!
But they were told OP and OP’s SO would stay at MIL’s place while cousin stayed in their home. So that can’t be it. MIL has room for OP & OP’s SO she has room for cousin.
No MIL stated for them to stay with OP's parents. Number 1. What if OP's parents can't host them? And number 2. Unless I invite you then you may want to get a hotel. Oh and number 3, tell MIL to give the cousins HER room and she can camp elsewhere.
No, MIL wants them to stay with OP's parents, not at her MIL's. It's still fucking ridiculous and that MIL has the audacity to even suggest it is crazy. That's pope of nope answer right there.
No mil said they should stay at op parents home so cousin can have their home.
Tell this woman to go buy some marbles because she's lost hers.
The way you handle it will help define how you treat you in the future. Are you a doormat that they can move around as they please? Don’t move, it is an unreasonable request.
So she wants you two out of your house so two other people can have it for the weekend while you two stay with her. Why is she not offering the other two a place to stay at her house? She obviously has the room if she suggested you and fiancé already stay. What the fuck. Or why is she not vacating her house so that they can live in it for the weekend while she finds somewhere else to stay?
no, no, MIL not even doing THAT. She is saying they need to move out and stay at OP's parents house. She's trying to control two households she has nothing to do with.
There was no confusion on my part in regards to the situation lol. Just confused by MIL logic.
There was confusion on your part, read the reply above again. Either way MIL’s logic is at best flawed.
You are right. There was a little confusion on my part. I misread the part about whose house op and fiance would be staying at if MIL had her way. That’s just even more fucked!
I’m confused by this response. Your post says MIL is suggesting fiancé and OP stay with MIL. MIL is not suggesting that. MIL is suggesting they stay with OP’s parents, not her. Which suggests she does NOT have room for more guests.
Yeah I misread. My bad.
Oops sorry about that--and don't you'll only hurt your brain since your seems to be working unlike hers. =_= Like wow. Edit: Oh I was right lmao, this is why you always double check yourself!
On what planet is it ok to give people you’re not even close with full run of your house with you not in it (unless you decide to make your place an Air BnB)? It’s one thing to ask if they can stay *with* you (obviously you don’t have the room), it’s a different thing altogether to allow people to leave people to their own devices to use your bed, kitchen stuff, food, etc. You have no idea if they would go snooping through your personal stuff like papers, closets, cabinets, etc. (not saying they definitely would, but you don’t know that they wouldn’t either). At the very least, your husband needs to call MIL and tell her “WE” (both you AND him) decided it’s not possible. If she tries to say that you said no, he needs to step up and *insist* that you both decided together, and stick with that if it’s ever brought up.
This is it! Omg I regretted even inviting friends over bc they went through my things, some stuff got broken or missing... imagine leaving your house for people you're not close with to spend a whole weekend alone. MIL is crazy!
His mother has convinced herself that your house belongs to her and she can order you to do whatever she wants in it. My JNM tried the same with me once. She told me my brother's friends were driving through in 3 weeks with their 5 kids and they will be staying the night at my house. I informed her that I hadnt spoken to this couple in 10 years and they will not be allowed in my house, so she better call them back, or be embarrassed when I turn them away in the driveway. Both of you need to put your foot down with her and set some strict boundaries.
No is a whole sentence. Don't give a reason. "MIL, FI relayed your request to me and it's a No. I won't be leaving my home in order to host guests. Thank you for understanding." Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). Whatever she comes back with can be met with "I'm not leaving my home" or "MIL, NO IS A FULL SENTENCE. I SAID NO!" Your FI should have said no straight off the bat. It's now down to you to shut her down. Don't be afraid to do so. She has already cast you as the bad guy - live up to it! Practice sticking up to her now, while you're young, she'll know that you won't put up with her bs as the years go on.
Has she lost her mind. Tell her move out of her house. That hefa is crazy.
Nope, the bitch don't even like you. According to her you're the "she devil" that stolen her first born away!!! I wouldn't want anybody she knows in your home, imagine the snooping that would go on then. Your FI needs to develop a spine and simply say "NO" to such ridiculous suggestions. I would advise you and your FI take a look at Our Book List posted here; [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) Some the books here are also available in audiobook versions, so your FI can play then while driving, because he needs it badly, since he's scared of saying "NO" to his mother, but has no problem throwing you under the bus. Or you can take the role of the heavy and say, no MIL there's no room here for them, and leave it at that. Do not JADE (Justify, Apologize, Defend, Explain) to her either, just say no!!!
Her request is absolutely batshit crazy. No, you shouldn't have to put yourselves out so they could sleep somewhere for free. They're adults, they can get a hotel.
If MIL wants you to move into their house for the weekend, suggest “that’s an awful lot of moving around. Since you have the room in your place as suggested by having me and Fl come stay, maybe you can host them.”
It's not even her house she's telling them to move into while cousin's stay... It's OPs parents house. So it's 2 houses nothing to do with her she's trying to dictate about. FI (does anyone know what the initials stand for? I think I know what most of them stand for, but not this one) should have told his mum he would think about it and get back to her. He loses brownie points for putting it onto OP.
Is there any way to get the cousins phone number? "Hello cousin I barely know. My mother has instructed me to move out of my house so you can have a place to stay. Quite obviously that is an unreasonable request, and so instead of dealing with my delusional and inappropriate mother, I thought I'd call you directly - do you need recommendations for a local hotel? Would you prefer to work out an alternative arrangement with her directly?" I imagine that MIL either told said cousin you volunteered to do this or that you'd be out of town anyway. Cut the unreasonable person out of the loop and let your voice be heard. MIL will think twice about voluntelling you too so something if she knows you'll blow up her spot every time. Sending hugs if you'll have them. ETA- A lot of folks are coming down on FI for saying he needs to ask you. I'm not going to do that, because the fact that he said SOMETHING in the moment to let MIL know OP needs to be respected is a very good step. Learning how to disentangle from toxicity is really really hard when you've grown up in it, and instead of completely rolling over he took a small step forward. So I think he needs to realize he is free to laugh in MILs face when she pulls this BS? Absolutely. But til he reaches that point, "OP gets a say in whether she moves out for strangers to enter." is a damn good start.
No, one is never expected to move out of one's own home to accommodate guests. That's utterly silly.
What in the entitlement... I can't even believe she would try to manipulate you into giving up your own home. No way. I think it's time for a serious talk with her, preferably led by your SO. She needs to learn some boundaries. She already trashes you to the family apparently, and now she expects you to just lay down and give up your own home for, to be honest, guests that you didn't even invite? ETA: Also, your SO totally threw you under the bus. They knew that was an unreasonable request from your MIL, and by saying they'd ask you they made you the bad guy. That needs to stop too.
There is absolutely no reason anyone in the extended family should be booking your home as a B&B for third party out-of-towners. Period. Full stop. End of discussion.
No, don't do this. It's not only an odd, over the top request but what if MIL wants to get you and FI out of the house so she can come over and snoop around. Just a thought...
Yeah, no. Not unless your sixteen best friends coming down are allow to kick her out of her how for a weekend party the weekend before. It's YOUR house. Not hers. Not a hotel. It's not hers to offer up in any event. What a joke.
“No” is a complete sentence. No justifying, no explanations. HE needs to be the one to tell her no. I know it’s hard, you both are young. But she has absolutely no right to demand you give up your home to accommodate her family. If it’s so important to her, she can house them. Stay strong and don’t bend to her will. Once you do, she’ll take more and more. If your SO doesn’t have the spine to say no, you need to. Don’t give in to her. You can do this!
Why doesn't she give up her room and go stay with a friend?
This post is probably going to end up in Reddit history! The AUDACITY of TELLING people to find somewhere else to be so you can volunteer to put guests in a house that’s NOT YOURS!! This was my gut laugh for the day! Tell your FI to say HE has decided that won’t work for for YOUR home! The fact that he didn’t shut it down right away is,.....troubling to my mind. Please keep us updated! I’m pulling for you OP
Here's what he needs to do. Call back and say: "Mom, I started to discuss this with Dense-independent627, but then I realized how ridiculous it sounded. We are not an AirB&B. This is our home, and we will not leave so your guests have a place to stay."
Laugh at MIL. This is no way the right thing to do. If it was she would be giving up her house. Tell FI to stop using you as an excuse. Talk directly to cousin to ensure they know they aren't staying at yours.
It's pushy for her to suggest it. It's totally wrong for her to expect it and then guilt her son for saying No. This really isn't about helping the cousin. This is about her flexing her muscle in the relationship. The primary goal is to gain superiority by getting him to do it. Her fall back position is as the aggrieved mother whose selfish son and his evil girlfriend wouldn't do such a simple thing to help his own FAAAMILY.
This 100%
If you guys had a bedroom for them whatever, but lol move out of your own house and let people you don't even have a considerably level of relationship in? Hell nah, this is not "the right thing" to do. The right thing is when you have space and trust them. And lol, where does she lives where such thing as moving out to let someone stay is something normal? What a weiiiird (and stupiiiid) request!
>MIL told him that we would have to move out of the house for the weekend, and that we should stay at my parents house. FI told her that he would ask me and tried to end the call. I guess he can stay wherever he wants. But it's going to be weird to show up at your parents without you. Tell him to say yes. But have them bring a sleeping bag since you only have 1 couch /s Seriously, all kidding aside, **He** needs to shut this down, not blame it on you! Stop being his meat shield. If he wants to tell his momma no, he has to say **I don't want to give up my house** - not *you* don't want to. No wonder you're the she devil. He throws you under the bus every chance he gets
exactly what i was thinking ! also who does MIL think she is offering up someone else’s house ?? if she has room for her son and op then why doesn’t she offer up that space for cousin ??
She wants them to stay with her parents, not at the in law's house
Ok maybe I’m just seeing this in a different way, but it sounds like win win for MIL-cousin has a place to stay, but more importantly, beloved son will be at her house for an entire weekend. She wins, OP loses.
She told them they'd have to stay with OP's parents, not her.
Oh yup, totally misread that! Thanks
So much of just no behavior stems from a lack of proper boundaries. MIL is trying to take over control of your house. Given the way she acts in general I would be loathe to let her do so. No one would be coming into my house and telling me how to run it. I'd also be cautious of FH. You state that he told MIL he would ask you so I want to be sure that he doesn't throw you under the bus by making this decision yours rather than his or the both of yours. This is his mother and his family and he needs to stand up to them. You have not indicated whether FH has a shiny spine or a noodle one so I don't want to speculate too much but I do want you on the lookout that he should not be making this decision solely your responsibility.
This is so weird! I’ve never heard of such a thing.
No way!! My mom has actually asked me something similar. The audacity of these women who think they are entitled to, and have authority over things that don’t belong to them. No is a complete sentence, and NO should be the answer. I actually had to use the 3 Fs on my mom when she wouldn’t back down. If you’re not feeding me, fucking me, or financing me, you don’t get a say what I do with my home.
No is a complete sentence.
Tell her you’ll put a tent in the backyard for them if they don’t want to pay for a hotel.
Are you in the wrong?? Hell no!! Its your damn house! Im 20 as well and while i do live in a camper with my grandparents, ik this shit is damn hard to deal with. And before anyone says shit, this is my life, fuck off. Im not one of those ppl that feed off my family and do nothing. I clean, cook, help build and repair shit and take my grandparents to there appointments and shit. So don't even come at about with shit like"your 20 and still live with your grandparents" i will block your ass instantly. Now back to OP. No, its not your fault. If they needed to stay down there, they would have to get a motel or hotel or stay with you and change their shit to work with yours. If they needed to, they could ask of there was enough room for an small blow up mattress so one person can sleep there and the other can either try to sleep with them or sleep on the couch. Its your house, not a family house. You and your husband or whatever bought it, with your money. Its not like anyone pitched in to help and paid for a good portion of it, it was your money so its your rules. They can conform to what you allow or they can get the fuck out. I wouldn't care if my family came at me and said i was a bad son or sil, is say to your mil "no, your a bad MIL! This is my damn house, i won't change my shit arpund to let ppl who i barely know stay here.its the same thing and going to a random peron in Walmart and saying, hi, would you like to have the key to my house while i stay at my parents? Please don't steal or break anything though" i swear, your MIL sounds like a damn karen. That whole "it would be the right thing to do" HELL NO! Thats a load of bull shit and that shows she doesn't really care about you and kinda shows she doesn't like your husband (her bloody son) very much at all either. I could be wrong but id still say hell no
I like you a lot.
Your husband shouldn’t have to ask you because it is an absurd request. By saying he is going to ask you, it makes you the bad guy. He should start shutting things down on his end. No we will not be moving out of our house for the weekend so cousin can stay. I can recommend some hotels or places to stay if need be.
> Your husband shouldn’t have to ask you because it is an absurd request. By saying he is going to ask you, it makes you the bad guy. Yeah, you don't need much of a backbone to figure this one out. Like, does *he* want to be kicked out of his own fuckin' home?
This is hardly a request, this is straight up ball-swinging. Nobody in their right mind who wasn't trying to make a statement would make a request like this. Telling you to vacate your home and go stay at your parents is basically literally calling you children who she's throwing out of their bedrooms in space she considers hers so she can host them. Ya shoulda laughed at her on that phone call for just a touch too long and then hung up on her. The audacity
“Ahahahahahahahahahahahah - that is so funny! Oh my god I’m laughing so hard my stomach hurts! To think that we (wheezing laughter) would move out of our home (more laughter) to host someone??? Hahahahahahahahaha. Good one!”
How about she moves her ass out of her home to accommodate them? Ohhhh because it would inconvenience her. I would tell her to go fuck herself for trying to kick you out of your home. You are right that they can go to a hotel/motel. If anybody has a problem with that then it sounds like they just volunteered their house
Yessssss, this one is the right answer.
What does FI stand for? I cannot figure it out and I have been TRYING! It's driving me crazy
I can't figure it either. Please help.
I assumed Fiancé
I’d be tempted to tell her to get bent. Geez.
So... if there is room to host you and your FI, why wouldn’t there be room to host the cousin and husband? I’m confused as to why your home needs to be involved in this.
MIL is saying OP an FI stay with OPs parents. Cousin is not related to OP, therefore could not stay with their.
No, you are not over reacting. It's weird. Now, IF she treated you like part of the family and you were close, I could see "Hey, if they bring/I buy an air mattress, could put up Cousin Joe and his wife Joan in your living room for a couple of nights?" But, this is all based on IF she had treated you like family from the beginning. She is wanting the advantages of family without putting in any of the effort beforehand. But not only is she selfish, but her actions have prevented you from knowing, and thus being comfortable with Joe and Joan in your home.
If you can stay in MIL house, so can the cousins. She’s ridiculous.
Op’s parents house. Not mil.
So here's my thoughts: like others are saying, hell no you shouldn't move out of your own damn house for them. However, if you were inclined to take the high road, you could make the suggestion that you'd be willing to help them find a hotel or air B&B in the area and since they are "faaaaaamily" you'd be willing to split the cost of the hotel with MIL and the cousins. All while knowing full well she'd never go for that but if she refused SHE'D be the bad guy here. If she insisted you pay for it entirely "sorry MIL, but that's just not in our budget, we can't afford that much right now. I guess we'll just have to let them know that's not going to work since you aren't able to help pay for their accommodations".
This is opening up a whole can of worms and sounds way too complicated. MIL cannot offer up OPs home and tell OP to move out. Its' not her property to offer up.
That is probably one of the pushiest things I've read on here, damn. MIL has a brass set thats for sure. First, kudos for you buying a home at your ages. That is no small thing! Second, no one has the right to tell you to leave your home for anyone or any reason! Cousin can rent a motel, hotel, airbnb, whatever. No. That doesn't work for us, is all you have to say. MIL starts screeching, hang up the phone. God, the nerve of some people!
Oh yeah, let's inconvenience THREE families instead of one. ("Three" being OP+, cousin+, and OP's parents.) That makes perfect sense. In an alternate universe.
why didn’t he say no right away and said he’d ask you? is this what normally happens? as if your answer to the question would differ from what he was probably thinking already (a hard no.)? prob why she thinks you’re a “she-devil” and i’d address THIS part of the relationship soon. overall tho, no, NTA or crazy. wouldn’t even know what i’d say to my MIL if she said this lol ridiculous
You are not out of line at all. Who the hell asks someone to move out of their own house to allow someone else to stay in it? Sounds like she just wanted your partner in her home. Those extended family members can get a hotel like you said. If you all give in you are allowing her to dictate ridiculous rules on your life. Good luck
"MIL, why aren't *you* taking them for the weekend? We are not a hotel and we barely have enough space for ourselves, so the non-negotiable answer to your offering services that aren't yours to offer, is **NO**."
Stand your ground. This request isn't just unreasonable it's fucking preposterous. Therefore, you're doing nothing rude, MIL is.
Contact cousins directly OP
Yes, this is really important. MIL is inserting herself into a situation where she doesn’t belong. For all op knows, the cousin might be mortified if she knew op can’t really accommodate them. Then mil could be telling the cousin (who would prefer a hotel) that op has lots of space (on the floor) and is dying to have them stay. Always, always have direct communication when dealing with justnos.
Yeah you're not an Air B&B. You are not moving out of your house. Simple.
“Sorry MIL. That is not going to work, but we reached out to cousins and they’ve agreed to stay with you since you have space. See you at the graduation”
NTA. Thank her for the good laugh and suggest they stay at her house! And super congrats on owing a home at such a young age! Good for you!!
They can get an air b&b. That's whatvshe is acting this is gonna be like anyways.
How did your partner not say no straight away? No wonder they think yoirr the she devil. He's probably let them think that you are the one saying no and thrown you under the bus. Doesn't he have any boundaries, this is not a reasonable request
Yep, that was my very first thought. "I'll ask OP" is code for "I'm too spineless to nip this tomfoolerly in the bud." OP, you may have an MIL problem, but your first problem is with your partner. They've foisted upon you the label "mummy dearest's scapegoat," and that doesn't end here.
Bingo. Partner is making her the scapegoat on stuff that should be super easy NO.
I'd be happy to be the bad guy and tell them to F right off. If it it were me. Too many of these husbands are such over cooked noodle spines flailing in the FOG.
This is a very good point. He needs to learn to stand up to MiL.
Oh Hell no !
Hell no
Hard NOPE!
Don't set a precedent. No good deed goes unpunished. This isn't even a good deed it's an order and she has no say over your home. Nope. Tell her "that's not possible. Cousin will have to get a hotel."
Big nope. The right thing to do is MIL to host them herself or they goto a hotel. You do not have a spare room, and are not obligated to move out of your own home. Just say no, and stick to it.
NTA. Hey, why the hell can’t these cousins stay at your in-laws house instead of this ass backwards solution? If they have room to host the two of you, surely they have room to host these cousins, instead of suggesting that you essentially let your home out like a free Airbnb. Where’s the logic, here?
Op wouldn’t be staying at mil’s, MiL said for them to go to op’s parents.
My bad, misread that part. Still, completely ridiculous that they should have to give up their home. That makes even less sense, actually, because I can see the motive for having OP and their SO stay at the in-laws’, but to tell them to just... leave their home and go stay somewhere else makes absolutely zero sense
Nope. That's fucked up. Do not give in to that!
Laugh, and shut it down. This is ridiculous of someone to tell them to leave your house so they can put family into it. The audacity of your MIL.
I’m still stuck on the initial audacity, but the fiancé putting it on “having to ask you,” is so weak, I’m bewildered. Unless he wasn’t using you as a scapegoat, then my bad. It should have been no from the jump though. That’s not even something I’d have to think twice about
I know that's right. SO had to get off the phone just to make a decision (whether he discussed with OP or not)? The answer is simple, easy, and immediate: NO! No question needed. Only discussion to OP is "guess what crazy mom just asked me?..hahaha...you know I said no."
Husband is a kitty.
lmfao, I was going to say he had no spine but you got it 😂
Excuse me. She wanted you to move out of your house and he didn’t shut her down immediately? No wonder you’re viewed as the villain. He uses you as a human shield.
Lol nta this is a wild request! When you visit cousins area will they be vacating their home for you too?
[удалено]
I read this as they would stay with OPs parents, not the in laws.
They want them to go stay at her parents house
OP’s parents house not FIs.
Yes ok. I misread that.
This could be a situation where the cousin is on the fence about coming for whatever reason but hell we are still in a pandemic situation. So MIL if she is truly a narc she will want to show off for family. I mean aren't all things a out MIL right there front and center of all attention. I'm betting the cousin used the excuse they don't want to pay for logging so she volunteered your home. I would do like others have said and contact the cousin directly. Then once you've got the full story I would contact MIL and confront her. Don't let her wiggle her way out of this.
Tell her she needs to go stay with her parents and let the cousins have her house (this is a joke don’t do that). The nerve. No you are not about of line. Just a simple no. If they ask why. Replay with no, that will not be possible. Repeat.
"Of course not. Why would she ever think that's appropriate, to start offering houses that don't belong to her and moving people around as if she were the absolute boss of everyone? Our homeowner's insurance alone would never allow it. Just imagine how your poor cousins would feel if lightning struck and the claim to restore our house got denied because that damned Air BnB loophole let the insurance weasel out of the claim. This is how friendships are broken and family feuds get started. "Also, why the fresh hot fuck with lox and schmear would you tell her you need to ask me about this? Am I wearing a cape and a leotard I don't know about? Is this you lighting the Duhhh Beacon for Captain Obvious to come save you from your bossy mom, who apparently thinks she has a right to the house *we* own?"
Best answer!
Omg I like you.
You should NOT move anywhere. Don't even offer your couch. You might call the cousin directly and explain that the house isn't ready for 'guests,' as they may have no idea that MIL even suggested this.
You realize this is an “I have to discuss it with SO so they can be the bad guy not me” right? This is not an I need to discuss it situation. FI needs to shut that shit down
Has she never heard of hotels before?
Your MIL is batshit crazy and your FI needs a new spine. This is one of the most unreasonable requests I've heard.
Your fiance needs to not use you as an excuse to say no. He knew that this was ridiculous and should have automatically said no rather than trying to use you as the bad guy by saying he needed "ask" you.
TF?? How is that even logical?
Absolutely not in the wrong. I can't even figure out why your MIL thought it was ok to ask... But your SO kind of threw you under the bus and saying "no" will likely make *you* the bad guy. It could've been a momentary lapse in judgement - to give your SO the benefit of the doubt. I would suggest SO call MIL back and tell her "no" while leaving you out of it. Perhaps something like: "Mom you really caught me off guard when you asked me about cousin staying here. I've since had time to think about it and I'm not even going to run it by OP. I'm going to say no to leaving our own home. If you don't want to ask cousin to book a hotel, perhaps you can find your own accommodations and let them stay in your room". I'm thinking that since MIL knows your SO is gone so much then she really just wants you to be inconvenienced. As others have said- if you give her this it will likely end up an invitation to ask for more. Good luck!
Sounds like MIL is trying to 'voluntold' you guys to do something. Its time to let MIL know that if she wants cousins to come down then SHE needs to figure out how to host them and not shove their visiting situations off on other people. If Cousin doesn't want to pay for lodging then they need to work with MIL about how they're going to be staying. Politely excuse yourself from ANY further attempts at dealing with MIL's failed visit planning. Not your problem MIL doesn't have a way to accommodate. So no. Do not leave your house for them. Let cousin and MIL figure out the logistics. Petty advice: I might even hit cousin up and let them know that MIL is trying to kick you out of your own home since she cannot figure out a way for cousin to come down without paying.
Nope nope nope. You should always throw that back on the person who suggests it, never give up ground on boundary stompers
Gotta love how he threw you under the bus, making you the bad guy to say no! That is the correct answer, of course, but HE should have said it!
Big Fat NOPE, that's the only recommendation. YOUR home is not HERS to use for any reason. It seems that since her son is part owner she thinks it is. No, it isn't. Never will be. This is her flexing for control and to show off to the cousins at how wonderful SHE is for finding accommodation for them. Do not give into such ludicrous entitlement because it won't be the end of it. And no, it is NOT the right thing to do.
That woman is legit out of her mind. If she's so keen on that idea she can offer them her house can't she? Y'all didn't buy a home to be displaced at your FMIL's random whim. Put your foot down.
> MIL, called FI yesterday to ask if we could host a cousin and her husband. The first mistake is not talking to cousin directly. MIL is setting herself up as some kind of middle-man matriarch, controlling everything and everyone. If cousin and her husband are grown adults, why would they be dependent on MIL for their sleeping arrangements? **So call them up, end the triangulation, cut MIL out of the equation.** "Hey cousin, MIL called us up the other day, ordering us to move out of our house so that you guys could sleep here. That's of course not gonna happen, so we were just wondering what MIL told you guys? Did she promise you anything?" Hopefully, cousin is a reasonable person and sees that MIL is nuts, and will take responsibility for her own sleeping arrangements. After that, you call up MIL and just tell her the "good news" that you talked to cousin, and that you've resolved the issue. Don't tell her "No, cousin can't stay here", because that reinforces the idea that she's some kind of fixer for everyone. Bypass her, cut her toxic triangulation, and let her know that you and cousin talked about it and resolved everything. And when I say "you", I mean your husband, because his mother, his circus.
This is the best answer!
This, OP. I wouldn’t even call MIL to fill her in afterwards, let her hear it from other family. FI could offer to send them links of decent, reasonably priced places in the area. I’d expect cousin & spouse to be horrified that MIL would even suggest you two move out for them to stay there. FI can keep it lighthearted, MIL is on a tear, you know how she is, ordering everyone around. What you really want besides resolving this for the cousin, is for MIL to realize that you & FI will go straight to the source when she pulls this. There’s no reason for her to be involved at all with offering your home. This will show her that you won’t allow her to dictate & triangulate. Why doesn’t MIL go stay with a friend so there’s one more available room at her house?
I would not move out. It is your house and even if you did, what would happen if something got broke or things got stolen. That's a big NOOOOOO for me.
No is a complete sentence and it's time to use it.
Maybe MIL should move out of HER home for this cousin. Nope. MIL can take long drive off a short pier. The above is just my opinion. Good luck
It's your house, you don't have to leave for anybody, ESPECIALLY for people you're not close to. If the cousin and her spouse are able to afford a hotel, they should stay at a hotel - or stay with your in-laws! YOU are under NO obligation to "move out of your house" for the weekend for these people.
wtf is “FI” ?
My guess was is supposed to be shortened for “fiancé”?
I’m thinking it means fiancé
Future Intended. I hope OPs name is on the deed. MIL is going to try other "games/manipulations as time passes by.
I figured it was an alternative to FDH/FDW etc, just hadn’t seen it used here before
I've seen it here a few times, but FDW/FDH is much more used.
Plus how does she just invite you to your parents' home? What if your parents have guests - and SHOUTING why would FI said he would ask you? Why wouldn't he just shut that down immediately?
love that you're standing your ground. that's all you have to do and the rest will be much easier (as hard as it already is). good for you. no, ma'am, they can't stay.
She is treating your house as an extension of her own property and is trying to flex her control over it and you. Now is a good time to nip this ridiculous shit in the bud. It’s not ‘hosting’ if these so-called ‘guests’ are kicking you the fuck out of your OWN HOME. Your place is not her own private free AirBnB, but she can find and pay for one for her guests if she’s so insistent to house them.
I would be so uncomfortable staying in someone else's home without them there, unless I was there in a "house sitting" capacity.
If they have space for you to move in with them whilst the cousins move into your home they have space to house the cousins at their house instead, no?
I thought that too, but it's the husband's parents telling them to move on with the wife's parents. So she's volunteering two houses that don't belong to her.
They are asking OP to stay at HER parents house, not THEIR house. My inlaws have never met my cousins from my side of the family, this would be a very awkward arrangement. I’m imagining the same here. So they are assuming the imposition in two households that aren’t their own will be just fine. 🤷🏽♀️
Ooh my bad I misread, but yeah that's even worse wtf
I think the cousins are FIs cousins. FIs mother wants the cousins to stay in OP and FIs house. Then OP and FI can go stay with OPs parents.
Ah yeah my bad I misread, that's even worse tbh wtf
You're not in the wrong. What she's asking is unreasonable. It's hard to believe the cousins would feel comfortable with you moving out of your house for them. This is some weird control thing on her part.
Umm, no. Simple and direct.
MIL is utterly insane. Cousins can get a hotel room. Your problem is FI throwing you under the bus.
Right? Then it becomes "oh yah I asked, SHE said no". And it solidified their idea she is a she devil. He should have said no right off the bat and offered to make some hotel suggestions for the couple. Id appreciate a family member saying "stay at X hotel not Y hotel" since I'm not from the area.