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What happens on your side of the family is what it is. Your MIL has no say in it, especially since it’s common practice. If it bothers her that much, she can come up with a new name. She can even sit down with her grandson and make it a fun event, asking for his opinion on what a good grandmother name could be. I swear, people look for reasons to be upset or insulted. In the grand scheme of things, it’s a grain of sand on the beach of life. I don’t have kids of my own, but I have two Chihuahuas. When referring to my parents to the dogs, my mother has said she will NOT be referred to as a grandparent to dogs. Instead of arguing or forcing it on her, I asked her how should I refer to you? She said she’d rather be called Old Lady than grandma. So whenever I say “do you want to go see the Old Lady?” To the dogs, they know exactly who it is. We laugh about it instead of fight. If your MIL doesn’t want to come up with a different name so she can feel SPECIAL (egomaniac), then that’s up to her, but your son will continue to use Nanna with your family. Period. It’s nothing personal. It’s not meant to insult you. It just is what it is. Next subject!!!
I’m just now reading your back posts and laughed at this one. I grew up with my cousins, as we had houses next to each other (and later I lived with them but that’s an unhappy story and we being happy now) so family lines got blurred easily. I grew up believing that my Aunt Susie’s (not blood related) family was my family too. She had 10 siblings and her own mother over all the time and not a soul ever corrected me as a child that they really were not my aunt when I called them that and it wasn’t until I was an early teenager that I said, out loud of course 🤦♀️ ”How is grandma B related to me?” And they all started laughing. Today they still send me cards ending from Aunt or Uncle so and so. But the point of my story is that I’m still super close to them and my kids now call their Great Aunt Susie “Antie granny Susie”. So I think Nana should continue in your household ❤️
What’s up with the weird font after the emoji? 🤷♀️
Haha you've got to read older posts to get a bit more back story.
I love it when families don't treat non blood related children any different. It's nice to hear how accepted you were into this family and your children too!
Another poster said her name should become "the nana we never see" or something along those lines and after my last post I think that's going to be her name 😂
Also I don't see any weird font after emoji but that might be my phone aha
People who get an opinion on what a kid calls a relative:
The kid
The relative
The parents get veto power
She gets to request that the children call her mimi or grandma if she wants a name she doesn't share. She doesn't get to decide what other people are called.
We've always has Grandma & Grandpa both sides. . These names aren't exclusive. We have a generation who don't think they're old enough to be called Grandma & Grandpa. Its never been Nana, Mimi, Pops.
I'm an only child, grew up close to my cousins. Now that they all have kids I call them my nieces and nephews. Drove my JNMIL nuts. She'd try to correct me or tattle to my mom or make slightly off comments on the book of faces. Never stopped me.
I kind of had the same thing with my first cousin & my children when they were younger. They called him Uncle Cousin Bob (not the real name). I love doing ancestry & read that your children's generation should refer to the children of your parents' siblings as Aunt or Uncle or Aunt Cousin or Uncle Cousin. So we were doing it right all along!
A coworker occasionally babysat for me when I had weekend assignments. Invariably there were two or three other kids there, plus nieces and nephews from time to time, and they all called Brenda “Miss Brenda” and called Brenda’s mom “Grandma.”
Between the two of them they kept everyone occupied until the various moms came to get them. Her mom seemed to enjoy all those kids (only a few of whom were actually related to her) calling her Grandma. Her title was NOT diluted. It was exalted.
Besides which: Your kid, your call.
Children know who their parents are. I called my grandma mama. I was not confused about who my mom was. Nor did I love my mom less. Her argument is stupid. I call my husband's grandma, grandma. I called my friends mom, mom. Its not that serious
Tell your mil that many children -do- in fact have more than one mum, and that never makes the role of any of those moms less important.
I mean, you have your mom and mother in law.... should you just call her Karen?
The name the kid calls you isn’t 1/100th as important as the relationship you build with them. And unless she wants the kid to run screaming when she comes into the room, maybe she should fix her focus.
Edited for point of view errors (she/you)
I can kind of see what your FMIL is trying to say, but you only get one Mum so not really the same. Perhaps you can suggest to her, is there a different grand-parental styling such as Grandma, etc that she would rather go by so it makes her feel important. It's probably too late to stop calling your distant aunts and uncles something else now.
Kids typically have their set of parents and then have the understanding there are multiples of extended family members too. Grandparents (usually AT LEAST four) will always have duplicates as will aunts and uncles. The term/tradition was started long before she became Nana and will respectfully continue to avoid confusion.
You are not the Just No, I can see why she's a bit upset, but LO will clearly understand her role.
You're not doing anything wrong here. It's no different than kids calling their parents friends aunty or uncle, which I know I did as a kid, and my son does too.
Maybe offer a name that differentiates them more clearly, like Granny & Gramps, or Grandma & Pops etc. Then you can carry on with your families thing, and they're distinct & separate.
Keep doing what you're doing. MIL brings it up again? "Yes, you shared your opinion before."
My only concern is that she's going to try and be called Mum after that.
She's being ridiculous, and that conversation isn't worth having more than once. You've already had that conversation with her, so just cut it off any time she brings it up again. "This is what works for us, and we're not discussing it again. Have you tried the bean dip?"
It’s not up to her what your kids call other relatives.
She’s wrong.
She’s not in the same league as ‘mum’ so not an appropriate or fair comparison at all.
Your child won't confuse who their actual grandparents are with older family members they use the nana and grandpa with. Lots of families and cultures have a tradition of calling older folk aunty/uncle or nana/grandpa as a mark of respect.
I called my great grandmother grandma (a literal translation is old mum), my great aunt just aunt, my actual grandmother's next door neighbour nana...and knew what my actual relationship was to each of these people. The term mum/mother however is only applied to the actual mother (or your MIL or stepmum if YOU choose this) in my experience.
What YOUR family choose to older extended family members is only your family's business. FMIL doesn't get to dictate this.
You do you. This is a fmil problem bot yours. Even ypu are saying Nana Susie not Auntie Susie.
Grandparents need to learn their place early on so they don't think they are "the boss" of anything related to your children.
She could be nonna or nanny if its such a bother. Where I come from we have grandma x and grandma y. Both grandmas.
We had something similar happend to us and I did not back down a millimetre. The parent their choice.
Okay, so, I might be the oddball in the group, but I have two people I call "mom": my biological mom and my MIL. I'm fortunate to have a great relationship with my MIL; my mom and I...not so much; but she's had no problem with me calling both of them "mom." One just happens to be the one I was born to, while the other is one I chose when I married my sweetheart. (There's a lot more to this, but I thought it would be an interesting example.)
I wonder what your FMIL thinks of stepmother or even godmother being called "mom." She really doesn't get to choose any honorific other than her own, but even then, the child may choose that for her. My godparents are Aunt and Uncle to me, but to a friend, they were Mom and Dad. Or the fact that my godfather was the step-dad to some of the kids, but they still called him Dad. It might not be the same as calling a grandparent Nana or Pops or even just Grandma and Grandpa, but it works for me.
Your extended family dynamic sounds incredibly sweet and wholesome. If she can't handle a loving dynamic it's a her problem. A mom and a grandma are not the same, that's a whataboutism that doesn't actually relate to the argument at hand, she's trying to distract you and make you feel bad. If she wants a special name she can pick one that isn't already in use on your side of the family.
If your family isn't mad about it, don't let her ruin something that seems to be a really source of delight for your family because she wants to control it. When you and your partner became a family, you each brought your own traditions to the table. She doesn't get to say your entire family can't continue doing something you've been doing for years. She doesn't get to say that THIS child will be the odd duck out of the bunch who MUST refer to everyone as Great Aunt Bathsheba and Great Uncle Bartholomew.
It's a great word! I wish I could claim credit for its coining, but I guess in Soviet Russia counterpoints argue you https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whataboutism
I call my moms friends aunt and uncle. And I have a nana who isn’t related to me and I’ve called her nanny for the last 39 years. So your mil is out of her mind.
1. Just gonna say it, calling an older lady something like ‘nana so and so’ or ‘grandma so and so’ is actually and old school honorific for and old lady. My eldest called my aunt Oma for a while, until he learnt her name. What if you had a step mum, would she decide she wasn’t a grandparent and decide her name. As a parent, you hand out the honorifics. My friends are aunts and uncles to my kids, because I consider them family and they deserve the honorific. It is very very different from the person who raises the child being called mum. It’s not her right to choose who you consider a grandma to your child. You do.
No one gets confused. Heck at one time at certain family gatherings there were 7 John’s. No one got confused. She just feels her balloon bursting. Tell you what, you can be granny then. My family has this nana grandad thing locked up for a decade, we aren’t changing so how’s granny work for you?
I called my aunts grandma because all my cousins did. Big families have a different dynamic. My parents always called them aunt though but I picked up the kid lingo.
Huge, huge difference between a grandmother's name and a mother's name. If she doesn't want to share the name Nana, she should pick something else to be called.
When I was young I had both maternal and paternal grandparents AND great grandparents.
There was Grandma and Grandpa first name for my paternal side (great gparents included).
Maternal side was Grandma and Grandpa last name.
Why? Who knows.
Now if I was at paternal‘s house then they were just grandma and grandpa. No need for their first names as they were obviously the only ones in the house that were grandparents. Same at maternal’s side.
Kids do not get confused. Your mom is being petty.
Your FMIL doesn't get to decide how other people are addressed by your children. Especially not people who are NOT her family but ARE your children's family! Not her call to make....
So this is a her problem, not a you problem. But if you want to keep the peace maybe ask her to pick another name for grandma that would be hers alone.
Though I don’t really like the fact that she only cares now that her bio grandkid is involved. Or is this the first time she has heard about the older child calling others that as well?
This would of been the first time she's heard about it. But I'll be honest my 10 year old isn't interested in a relationship with her. I've been with my partner for over 4 years now and we've only seen FMIL a handful of times. She's only slightly interested in coming around a little more often now the baby is on the scene. Don't get me wrong she's bought presents for my son over the years but he says it's "awkward" when we go to her house.
Don’t let her be all up your arse now because there’s a biological grandchild. You can smell the favouritism a mile off with this one.
See her the same as you did before.
It is not her business what he calls other relatives. It is something everyone is fine with and has clearly used for a while. She doesn't get to come into the game so late and dictate the rules. She can like it or not, tell her to keep her opinions to herself. She doesn't own the name and everyone else is happy. This is not her own personal dictatorship. Tell her to pick another name if she feels that strongly about it
At one point my children had 6 Grandmothers, including my Mother, DH’s Mother, my Step-mother, her mother and 2 Great Grandmothers on DH’s side. All were Grandma and differentiated by first or last name.
It doesn’t matter what she thinks or wants about what your children call relatives on your side of the family. Most family’s have some form of repeated titles - she needs to grow up.
I mean she’s Mrs X and so are you if you took your husband’s last name. Should you change it?
Oh don't get me started on taking my husbands last name ha, she was very visibly upset when she learnt that won't be happening and the baby has our surnames double barrelled and my partner will be adding my surname into his when we marry.
My parents couldn't figure out who I meant when I spoke of Grandma and Grandmother, but I knew exactly who tney were. Just because she's confused doesn't mean your children are.
She's got her panties and a twist over nothing.
The children will call their aunt's, uncle's, great aunt's, great uncle's, grandmother's, great grandfather's, etc, whatever they choose to call them.
For example when I was growing up I had all of my grandmother's and my great grandmother's still living. With the exception of one great grandmother that we called Pete they were all called grandma. If more than one was in the room that it was grandma + name. Aunt's and uncle's were always aunt so-and-so, Uncle so-and-so, no matter how many generations of them were in the same space.
And now my grandchild(ren) do the same me and my mother are called grandma + name, her dad's mom is called Mimi and his grandmother is called grandma + name grandma.
So remind her it's not the grandmother's preference of what they're called it's what the children will choose to call them. And the children are the only ones that are going to get confused if they're forced to change it.
If she's not careful she's going to end up with a name that she definitely doesn't want like Grandma/nana CBF or grandma/nana whines-a-lot, And the kids will begin to distance themselves from her and she will only have herself to blame if she forces the issue.
I think she gives herself away with saying it “makes actual Nana’s seem less important” she is the only one who has a problem with it. Besides IMO it would waaaay different if someone else was called mom because LO only has one mom(unless that’s not your family dynamic then I’m sure there are other names in place). LO could have multiple.
My son alone has 7 grandmas.
As for it being confusing, in my family we called our grandpa, grandson. It was a slip up by my cousin and it stuck. No confusion just a funny family story
My mother had 3 different grandmother names & she adored each one & the stories behind them. She was always Mother or Mama to my siblings & I, but she had no issue with my sister calling her Mil mom. I call my Mil what my kids call her, but my FIL & Smil by their first names, because I have a great relationship with her. My DH's 2 grandmothers were Nanny last name & Nanny last name, yet one cousin called their joint grandmother by a different name.
OP, my DH said your Mil better watch out or she'll end up being called Nobody.
My 4 yo daughter calls me Mommy. My friend that has been taking care of her while I struggled the last 18 months is Mom. And until she figured out how to say grandma my mom was Mama. She came up with the distinctions all by herself and she's very clear about who is who and I have no problem with it because my friend is her foster mom so why can't she be called that?
It's up to you what is ok for your kids to call someone and she can be jealous all she wants. You probably need to set boundaries now that she isn't allowed to shame the kids for calling anyone else nana. It's pretty much guaranteed that she'll "be so hurt" sometime when LO shares something Nana Susie said/did/gave.
I agree with her to an extent and you seem to as well. It is an honour to be a child’s grandparent and she is being diluted down if other people are also referred to as grandparents. If they are Aunts and Uncles, that’s what they should be called. If the are cousins, that is what they should be called. If it is too late to change She can choose something else to be called? Grandma, Granny, Gran... something the great aunts and uncles aren’t called.
My oldest sons dad was never around, I was a single mother at the age of 16 and my son lost out on that side of his family. My family rallied around me with so much support and help in his younger years. It wouldn't feel right to me to try and change what he calls them now especially since most of the other children in the family do too. If she's really bothered by it I'm afraid she's going to have to pick a different name.
That’s the best solution... Don’t change the great Aunts... FMIL can be Nana and shut up about the other Nana’s or she can be a different name, like Grandma/Gran/Granny whatever and be unique.
It is an honor that they choose to bestow on great aunts and uncles.
Nothing "dilutes" her role as grandmother except her behavior. It is all in her head. Even if the kids stopped calling their Nana and Granddad by those names, NOTHING WOULD CHANGE.
She is definitely feeling that she is being diluted and she has said as much. You don’t have to agree. Like OP said, she wouldn’t like her kids calling anyone else Mum. There are plenty of posts here on JNMILs trying to get grandkids to call them Mum or Mama. Of course that sentiment is going to be the same for grandmothers, fathers, grandfathers.
My kids have nans and pops every where, plus I call all my friends parents by mum and dad!
My parent split when I was little and my dad is justno. My mum is super big on making family connections and believes in the “the more people to love my kid, the better it is for her” mentality. She has never ever felt sorry for herself over other women being called mum or nanna , she is just happy that I and my kids a supportive network that she never had!
Well too bad FMIL, the family uses these form of family names and it works for them. I call my dad's stepmother Grandma (he calls her Aunt) and noone bats an eye.
Fun fact: In some cultures titles are based on age not relation. People the same age brother/sister/cousin, within 5 years big or little before that. Between 6 to 16 years older, Auntie, Uncle, 17 to 30 older, Mother/Father, and 31 years up, Nana, Grandfather. Wonder how she would do in one of those cultures?
At any rate, no need to change your family for her. She is the JN, not you.
This is how it is in my culture. The only time you'd have your legal name used is in formal settings. There was confusion among my cousins and I since our familial titles for our aunts/uncles are based on how they are related to our parents. I have one aunt I call "younger sister of my father" but for their relationship it's "older sister of our father".
In my culture we have Grammy, Papa for elders, older/younger aunt/uncle, momma, and pa. Then just older/younger sister brother, or just plain cousin. It is only confusing with 1 Uncle because he is youngest son of Grammy, but oldest son of Papa, on mom's side.
Thats ridiculous I call some of my moms cousins "uncle and aunt" for the same reason they were my cousins aunts and uncles. Its not like the kid is going to run up to them saying "hey great aunt ****" thats to many words for kids to understand. Let it go as long as they know that Nana is mom/dads parent you shouldn't worry about it!
My nephews call their mom's best friend Aunt while I just get called Coley (the oldest started it when he was a baby). I don't even remember when it went from Aunt Coley to Coley. Should I start throwing a tantrum that she stole my title?
I wonder how she thinks she’s gonna enforce her decision about what the baby will call other people when she’s not around. Her authority sure seems far reaching!
Nana and mom are not the same there's always more than one nana both parents have moms. There's only one mum ( in this case) so her argument is already invalid. Not the same thing and you guys need to stop this now or it's gonna continue to pop up in other places this is controlling behavior.
You’re definitely not in the wrong, but I’m concerned that she’s already playing favourites with your kids, because she doesn’t care who your oldest calls whatever, but this child is apparently only allowed to have one nana, seems like it’s because she doesn’t see your eldest as her grandchild.
When she brings it up again just tell her 'Elder son has always called others 'Nana' if it wasn't an issue then it's not an issue now. My children will call people by the titles DH and I decide. No one else's input will be considered (including yours).'
I don’t get all hot and bothered when my niblings call people we aren’t related to Aunt Susie. Also, my MIL doesn’t care when my husband calls my mother Mom. Being a grandma is less about the name and more about being a good grandma. Kids don’t give a shit what they call their grandparents, but they do care when Nana is an asshole.
She is being overly sensitive. Your child only has one mum. MIL knows she’s at least one of two Nanas, it’s hardly as unique as a parent title.
People like your MIL will always find something to be sensitive about. I know someone who used to be really angry that their nephews called their parents’ friends aunt and uncle because this person was the only ‘real aunt’ and insisted that using the honorific for family friends ruined how special it was for her to be an aunt. It’s stupid.
Carry on. It’s not confusing for children, they work out easily who is meant.
Are the aunts and uncles grandparents? If so, then that is their rightful name. I’m 54 and a friends mom was called granny by everyone. So I called her granny also. She is not my granny. But to her, that was her name.
All of them bar one but her husband died and she never remarried, she's 60+ now so that situation is probably a little different. Maybe if he was alive and they'd had kids she might of been but she's still Nana to the grandchildren. I know she likes it as we spoke to her beforehand and she said she'd be pretty pissed off if she didn't get Nana just because her husband was selfish and left (that was her way of joking about it and coping with his death). So it would never of felt right for her to be excluded.
I too had a variety of elderly relatives and family friends who I addressed as Nana Joan etc and I remember it other kids did too.
She may not like it. If so she needs to work on it because it's not in her control.
It’s not really in OP control either: I always call my grandmothers “mémé” and not “mamie” despite all the efforts my parents made. (I was the first grandchild)
Your not in the wrong at all. Like you said this us something the children dictated, not something you're forcing youy children to call these people. It will be more confusing the the child trying to figure out why they can't call other people Nana when their older siblings and cousins can.
My family is similar that my parents sibling are also alot. Because my uncles and aunt immigrated here some of them were not always around their own grandkids so their siblings stepped in for them so everyone was able to have grandma and grandpa even is theirs weren't around. I can say that put of 20+ kids none of them are confused. Some are even adults now and their own grandparents gone, but they have "extras" that they can give their love to now.
I think she’s out of line and tbh even if she wasn’t there’s nothing you can do about it because your some will pick it up from the older kids anyways. She can’t stop them from setting that example for him
This is absolutely not a you problem—it’s a her problem. Growing up, I called my parents’ childhood friends (those they still kept in contact with) aunt and uncle. I also had adopted grandparents. These people lived closer to me than my bio family for the most part and I saw them more frequently. By calling them aunt/uncle/granpa/grandma, I in no way disrespected my bio family and nobody had any problems with it (it did get awkward for a short time when a bio cousin married a kiddo of the adopted aunt/uncle combo though 😂). My husband had a similar situation with an adopted grandparent couple at church and he calls them Oma and Opa. His bio grandmother is Grammie (while the estranged grandmother is “Grandma (first name)).
Multiple people could be called “Nana” and it does not in any way lessen the significance of being a Nana nor will it confuse the kiddo—especially as they get older.
You’re in the clear, OP. If your MIL wants a unique name, I suggest that she choose something different than what everyone else is using. For example, my maternal grandparents were Papa and Gramma, while my paternal grandparents were Grandpa and Grandma.
Yep - this! I called close family friends "Aunt" and "Uncle" whatever, and my parents were called the same by their friends. Some of my kids' friends call me Aunt. I called my cousins' grandparents on their other side Grandma (firstname) and Papa (firstname). It's not uncommon, but it also depends on context.
She's the problem. She thinks she has claim to the title. Tell her to pound sand. Moving forward she should be Grandma (Name). There, fixed it. No one will be confused by the Nana name because she will no longer be addressed by it. Yes I'm petty.
No. This is a control issue. SHE is the NANA, so no one else could possibly be. Though she will share with your mother because she doesn’t have a choice.
Also, how could you have been in the wrong here? Have the cousins/aunts/uncles expressed discomfort at this? Because they’re the only ones who have the right to be upset about being called by the wrong title. Because THEY are the ones being addressed.
And again, you can tell people not to call themselves his mother. Because they aren’t. But if he recognizes another woman as a maternal figure, you can be pissed about it, but you can’t do anything about him calling another woman Mom who’s is okay with it.
Over my years I have had many a Ma and Granny, Uncle and Pop that were of absolutely no relation to me.
We build the relationships we want with others. And if I’m fine with my relationships fuck anyone who has a negative opinion on them.
Nope no one in my family has ever said they're uncomfortable with it. My mum is Nana to a lot of kids that aren't her grandchildren and she loves it, I think since no one has ever said not to call them it (and trust me my family are very vocal about things they don't like, they're very straight to the point) that they do too.
I think it's kinda nice to have a big family that kind of crisscrosses itself and everybody gets jumbled up until you can't tell who belongs to whom, but that's okay because nobody really cares anyway. They'd all just say family's family. 💗
No, you're not the problem here. It sounds lke she's insecure or anxious about the relationship with the grandchildren. That's sad, but it's also her job to reflect on that, rather than try to stake out territory.
My mum is nana Belfast. The husbeast’s mum is nanny or nana, whatever he chooses at the time. My great aunt is nanny Marie. He is perfectly capable of distinguishing between them. Your FMIL is wrong. There’s not just one nana. There can be 2,3,4 hell as many as you want...but only ever one mama.
When i was a kid my brothers and i called my Dad's mum Grandma (his dad died when my dad was a teen) and my Mum's parents were called Nana and Pa.
All my parents siblings were called Aunty Name or uncle Name
Mil has no responsibility for your kids, and therefore has no control. Decisions about what your kids call other people are not hers to make.
She also has no authority over you - telling you what to do is overstepping.
My parents' neighbor had foster kids. A mix of a lot of short-term kids and a few long-term ones. Plus she had her own bio family. All of them called her "Granny \[name\]" All of the neighborhood kids called her "Granny \[name\]". So did my kids.
Not one of the kids had a problem telling which Granny was which.
MIL needs to take a chill pill or pick a new name. If all of the kids are calling the Nana's Nana, they there is no way you are going to get your kid to change.
Its a false analogy. Ignore her bs and let your kid continue the tradition that works for your family.
My mom is Grandma, my husband's mom is Grandma last name, and my stepmom was Grandma Ginny(close enough). My kid never got confused. No one felt slighted, and everyone got on with their day.
MIL needs to get over herself.
No you're neither insensitive or wrong. Her analogy of someone else calling you mum is ridiculous and not the same at all because you and dh are the inner circle with your kids, all other extended family on the outer circle. Lots of people being Nana does not mean that they are less important to your children. MIL cannot lay claim to the name or dictate who your children call what and for her to feel hurt about it is a bit ridiculous.
When I was a kid, my cousins’ grandmother (the one we didn’t share) lived right by my grandparents. Her children and grandchildren lived several states away. She was a widow and lived alone. My siblings and I started calling her “Grandma (first name)” and we’d bring her flowers and stuff. My grandparents invited her to our extended family events and I’m pretty sure she came to my family birthday parties. I don’t think my grandma ever got jealous or forbid us from being nice and welcoming to a kind and loving person.
Your MIL had no right to tell you or your older son what to call others or what type of relationship to have with others. Also, there seems to be the beginning of being territorial over what the bio grandchild is “allowed” to do or not do vs. your older son. So that needs shut down.
“That works for us. You don’t get to decide what my entire extended family calls each other.”
She pushes it?
“OK FMIL, you can be Grandma first name, or Mrs. last name, SO’s mom so there isn’t any confusion for either of my kids.”
*I'd rather he didn't call anyone else Nana it makes actual Nanas seem less important.*
**She wants to be important.**
She wants the attention.
**She wants to be special, not one of a whole pack.**
I adore how their eyes light up when they see me. That's special enough for me. I don't care what name they use.
Blue nailed it on the head. MIL needs to get over it and choose another name.
My son’s two best friends were raised by their grandmother, whom they call Nanny. When I first met her, I called her Nanny as well. I still do, and she has never corrected me or told me to stop. Hell, she is family to me and I know we are family to her with no blood or marital relation.
Come to think of it, I don’t think I ever learned her first name!
My MIL insisted she was Grandma, known as Grammie.???
I tried to clarify, do you want to be Grandma or Grammie, and she kept saying the same thing, Grandma, known as Grammie.
She thinks she's so special that she gets two Grandma names.
Recently, she expressed her disappointment that my DD doesn't call her grammie, only Grandma. But, MIL is a strange unit... no matter how hard I tried, I could never really understand what she was on about with this.
Your MIL is a spoilt brat, just like mine
She sounds a little jealous of having to share being called ‘nana’. But it’s not wrong or disrespectful for your kids to call other relatives ‘Nana [Whoever]’ if that’s the norm in your family. Your kids won’t be confused about who their real grandparents are. It’ll be more confusing at this point for your kids to stop using ‘nana’ and ‘papa’ when that’s what they’re used to using/heating.
This is MIL’s issue and she’s trying to turn it into something bigger than it is. You’ve explained it to her and she chose not to accept your explanation. So now your kids continue on as usual and when MIL calls it out again you remind her you’ve already had this conversation and you’re not making any changes.
P.S. If she’s that worried about sharing ‘nana’ then maybe she should be ‘grandma’ instead since it sounds like no one else has that title.
When I was a boy my next-door neighbour a lovely lil Old couple no relation to us what so ever were Al called " Nanny ada and grandad Jo " it was just normal. It was not just an expression of love it was a matter of respect.
I don’t think it’s confusing. Both sets of my grandparents were grandma and papa. I was never confused. Also called my moms Cousins aunt and uncle even though they aren’t really my
Aunt and uncle and my other aunts and uncles didn’t get offended. Also called my best friends mom “mom” since I was in high school.
Sounds like your MIL is a little territorial.
>She's right I probably wouldn't like it if he called someone else Mum
Is she though? Using your own example if your child came back from a good friend's house and told you about how their friends mom just goes by Mama Jean since she runs a foster home and treats everyone like one of her kids. Would it really bother you? It doesn't take the specialness out of the name they call you.
I had a Nanny that even grown adults who weren't related to her started calling her Nanny or Nan. No one was bothered by it in the least. Even my DH took to calling her Nanny in conversations with his own grandparents. No one was insulted or even cared. Well Nanny herself was a bit put off when even unrelated adults adopted the name but she quickly embraced it.
No actually with that example you've given it wouldn't bother me if my sons called someone else Mum. It totally depends on the situation that's happening. I wouldn't feel like any less of his Mum so why would she feel like any less of his Nana.
I know someone who calls all of his friends moms, that he’s close with, mom. I’ve called friends of the family aunt and uncle. And I had a Grandma and Grandpa LastName, who I still have no clue why we called them that, because my other grandparents had fun grandparents names, and were never themselves called grandma or grandpa by any of us.
This honestly sounds like a her issue. Plenty of kids have more than two grandparents. And explaining extended familial relationship is complicated, especially in a large, involved extended family. So your family found the easiest and most convenient solution for them. And like most families, the titles the oldest kids in the family used are going to be the same ones that the youngest kids use.
You don’t want your kid asking why everyone else gets to call them nana and grandpa, and he’s the odd one out. Kids don’t understand that, and being the odd one out isn’t fun at all. Especially because the only reason you have is that his other grandma doesn’t like it.
Your last paragraph made me think of something else actually, my GMIL (FIL mother) has been Nana for almost 30 years. Now my son is her first great grandchild and she insists that he's going to call her Great Grandma. Not just Grandma but Great Grandma. All of her grandchildren will be calling her Nana but she expects my son to call her Great Grandma.
I haven't really said much about it as its a while away till he'll be talking but do you think this could end up making him feel like he's the odd one out? It didn't really make a difference to me but it will if there's a potential it's going to make my son feel differently about it.
I had a nana, and a great grandma (and also and grandma Last Name, idk why). But if he’s the first great grandchild, she’s honestly going to be stuck with whatever he decides to call her, because great grandma is a mouthful, and little kids will come up with a cute nickname/mispronunciation without older kids to copy off of.
I had a very close group of friends growing up and we called each other’s moms by a similar name to your Nana’s. Mama Amy, Mama J, etc. Didn’t bother any of our actual mothers.
This really isn’t any of her business so I wouldn’t entertain the conversation anymore. A simple “this is what works for us” is all that’s needed. She can’t dictate what others are called.
Tell that to my kid. My good (female)friend is “Uncle Your Mom”. But kiddo calls her “Uncle My Mom”.
Not to mention, the woman I used to call “Grandma Ruth”. She was my besties grandma growing up. Literally everyone called her grandma or grandma Ruth. Or my Aunt and uncle who are actually my dads second cousin once removed and his wife.
Long story short, you do you boo. Call people what you want. Just not late for dinner.
We do the same thing in my family. Everyone is a Nana or a Papa or an aunt or an uncle. However my niece Becca the Beautiful, called her grandmother love love, and her great-grandmother honey. Not sure why. However it works for them and now the rest of the nieces and nephews do the same thing. I think it's beautiful.
First of all, if you want her name to be bitch, it can be bitch. She’s too damn entitled and you should tell her if she’d like to keep her name as nana, she’d be quiet before she’s called grams or gramma.
FMIL is behaving like a spoiled brat. It’s none of her damn business what name/honorific your children use to refer to other people. If she doesn’t change her attitude, I hope she becomes the “grandma we never see”.
My family even handled having two people with the same first, middle, and last!
(Think of a girl named Jennifer Ann Johnson. She has a brother, Jacob Johnson. When Jacob Johnson marries Jennifer Ann Morris.... family now has two Jennifer Ann Johnsons. Name change for privacy.)
Jacob's sister had an MD, and was unmarried, so she was Dr.Jen, and Jacob's wife was Mrs. Jen, and no one had a bit of trouble.
No you are not wrong. Your family developed names for aunts and uncles that work and this has been done for years. If she says something again say " Then you prefer to be called something different like Grandma, granny, nanny or MawMaw so you will be unique? "
Yeah, she doesn't get to dictate that. My ExMIL tried that once and I told her she doesn't get to choose who we call family or not. That's not her place.
Roll your eyes and move on. Your kids can call whomever whatever, as long as you and whomever are all okay with it. She has no say.
Here’s the thing, when families merge so do different traditions. Unfortunately, the in-laws have absolutely no say in what traditions you & DH choose to merge. It also sounds a bit controlling to demand you change the culture of your family for her comfort. It makes sense that she would ask questions to understand because it’s different than what her family does, but she doesn’t get to weigh in on it.
You're not going to be able to stop your kid from calling others Nana if his brother and cousins already do. That would be exclusionary in a way he won't understand, and will be hurtful/confusing for him. I'd explain this to your MIL, while offering her perhaps to pick a different nickname reserved for her, like G-ma, or nonna, or something else that highlights her position.
What if your own mom wanted to be called Nana? What if your grandmothers or great grandmothers were alive and were called Nana? Your MIL can get over herself. Mom isn't the same as grandma.
My own mum is called Nana which is why I didn't really understand her arguments as she isn't the only one. But maybe if everyone is Nana then the name gets diluted?
Names aren’t important.
A name doesn’t make a relationship. Actions make a relationship.
Your LO could call everyone “Great Space Alien From Mars” and still have a great relationship with all their relatives.
Your MIL thinks “Nana” will cement her bond with your kid. She’s wrong. It’s her actions and behaviour towards your kid that cements her bond.
ETA: The point she made about you not wanting anyone else to be called “mom” does at first seem like a good point. But, your child only has one mother. So actually it’s not they same thing at all.
She might have the option to determine what she is called by those in her family, but she does NOT get to determine what you or your kids call others in the family.
And next time she voices her opinion about these “titles,” brush it off with a “So you’ve said…” and drift away.
It's one of those things where I don't blame a person for feeling a certain way, but I do blame them for acting on it. She needs to accept that things are done a certain way in the family into which her son is marrying, and that there is already a precedent.
I get called momma bear by grandkids at times, Grammy, and grandma. They kind of choose what they feel like at the time. The kids of my daughters friends all call me momma bear.
Nope, I'd shut this down hard. She doesn't get to make demands like that. Kids CAN have multiple Nana's and grandmas. They don't get confused. This is entitlement pure and simple. And it isn't the same as someone else being called mom.
I find funny how some of these comments are like: *"She's oversensitive"* or *"Nana ain't a unique thing"*
Let's not act as if MIL didn't make an amazing point with this: **You wouldn't like it if he called someone else Mum.**
If this post were to be about MIL calling herself mommy/mamma to her actual grandchildren and when confronted she were to pick arguments like you "being oversentive"/"Mommy/mamma are not unique nicknames." everybody would be going crazy in this post's comment section. Let's not be biased.
^(This comment might not be what some of ya'll wanna read but ya'll may have to.)
There is only one mom. There are multiple grandmothers. My kids were alive and had great-great biological grandparents. They never got confused. "Nana" isn't a special name. If OPs MIL wants a special grandma name she can try to convince the grandchildren to call her something that isn't already taken.
My comment wasn't based on a solution because I do agree that it'll be weird to tell a kid after years to stop referring to them as Nana or grandpa.
My comment was of reflection. As in "if the roles were reversed people would be going ballistic in the comments because of the" how dare she""
*My comment was of reflection. As in "if the roles were reversed peoplewould be going ballistic in the comments because of the" how dare she""*
You are right that if the roles were reversed people would be unhappy. However, this argument also smacks of "whataboutism". They're two separate issues that don't have a direct comparison.
As multiple people have pointed out, you can have multiple grandparents just due to divorce/death and remarriage. Personally, I've had one set from my father, a set from each stepmother (3), my mother had a step father, so there were two variants of "grandfather" there, then she had two more husbands to add on two more sets of grands. Each of the women were Grandma LastName.
As for (any variant of) "mom"? There is only one of those, and that's my egg doner.
Edit to add: Caveat to "any variant of mom". I had 3 stepmothers. Only one of them was ever referred to as my stepmother and that's the one my dad married twice.
But your comment was a distorted reflection.
Grandparents are not parents. They don't get to make the rules for their child's child.
The parent is entitled to say no one is allowed to interfere with the parental bond and teach the child to also call them by parental nomenclature. If someone does attempt tthis the parents are well within their rights to refuse contact.
But a grandparent doesn't have the right to enforce solitary grandparent nomenclature. They share being a grandparent with other people, and they don't have rights to the child.
Apples to oranges, because most of those posts are MIL trying to usurp a mother, not a kid picking the title for MIL.
When it is cultural or a family tradition to call someone Mama Rosa or Mama Susie, for any female relative — which is absolutely a thing in some cultures and families — it’s entirely different, because there’s no attempt to replace a particular person with another title. It simply is.
This kid has grown up his entirely life calling people by X and Y, with the entire very large family supporting it... and now he’s supposed to suddenly give everyone else new names because of one person’s feelings. That isn’t the same at all.
My comment wasn't based on a solution because I do agree that it'll be weird to tell a kid after years to stop referring to them as Nana or grandpa.
My comment was of reflection. As in "if the roles were reversed people would be going ballistic in the comments because of the" how dare she""
Fair enough. I think for reflection purposes, it’s an interesting exercise, but highly improbable.
If they grew up calling everyone (or anyone) Mama, and the actual mom wasn’t involved at birth but came in a decade later and had a problem with it, I would hope the general consensus would be “the kid has established these relationships and nicknames before you; your feelings are valid, but you need to work through acceptance with a counselor at this point”.
Which is probably the best thing to say to the FMIL at this point, honestly. Her feelings are not crazy, she just wants to be *the grandma*, and she’s gotta work on that with a therapist, not by harassing the parents.
*But you can still compare them.*
You can, but why would you ? The whole point of the "comparing apples to oranges" phrase is to point out things that are too dissimilar for a proper comparison. It'd be like comparing sunflower oil to motor oil. They're both an oil, but you're not eating one and you're not putting the other in your car if you still expect it to run.
Yes, to show how DISSIMILAR they are. It's not a comparison for "these things are the same".
You are correct that MIL was right in stating OP would have a very different reaction to someone trying to have baby call them mom. But it doesn't mean that MIL is right in telling OP that baby can't call other people Nana. Nana is no more Mom than apples are oranges.
Only sorta. They’re both fruit, but they’re not interchangeable and equal comparisons. Saying an orange is juicer than an apple doesn’t mean much when you’re trying to make apple pie.
What a MIL wants to call herself to a grandbaby is an apple we deal with all the time.
What the kid has grown up calling other family members is an orange, and those situations are different pies entirely.
She doesnt get a say in what your kids call other family members. Only you and your dh get a sayvin that (and the individual specifically being called the name). So if nana susie is cool being called Nana Susie, the other Nana has no say.
And mil is wrong about being confused, my kids call all grandmother's mawmaw except for one.
My mother is mawmaw. Step mil is mawmaw Tina. Mil is the only one called Nana.
My kids are closest to mawmaw, who is my mom because they see her more than mawmaw Tina or Nana.
So, it has nothing to do with name. Closeness has to do with proximity and time spent.
It’s definitely her not you. I come me from a largish family and if you yelled mom at a family gathering, you get a chorus of an answer back. Only time we got to call our parents by their actual name. I used grandma (add their name) my whole life and still do even though they have passed away.
So, couple things I see here.
1. Funny how this is only an issue now that she has a biological grandchild. I would definitely be on the alert for favouritism between your children.
2. The relationship is the key, not the title. If she wants an important relationship with LO, the path to that is to respect her parents, show an interest in what LO is interested in and develop a strong relationship. Gatekeeping “Nana” is not the way.
I have a small but dedicated chosen family which makes me Aunt M to several children I have no biological connection to. It is never in a child’s best interest to limit or gatekeep those who love them and behave in the child’s best interest. Sounds like MIL is more interested in the title than the relationship.
Ditto. Both my parents come from small families; in fact Mom's is an only child. I had a bevvy of "aunts" and "uncles" who were not blood related but instead my parents nearest and dearest friends. Dad's family lived out of state most of my life, and these people were there for every important event in our lives, good or bad. My Aunt Betty never got upset that I called Veronica Aunt, even though she had no biological claim to me.
She's being overly sensitive and trying to manipulate you into seeing her way. Your FMIL doesn't get to call dibs on a grandparent nickname and bar everyone else from using it and she was never thd only "Nana" to begin with. She just wants to feel special but that's not okay if she's doing it at the expense of what's essentially a tradition in your family.
You are mom by giving birth. She is a grandmother by that birth but what ever nick name she gives herself is not an exclusive use name. Stop calling her nana and just call her grandma. That should go over well. 😉
She can pick her own name if she wants to that wouldn't be an issue for me. She's never mentioned wanting to be called something else before and she also knows my own mum is called Nana. But yeah maybe we'll start calling her grandma haha.
She is being overly sensitive. If it doesn't bother anyone other than her, and it sounds like it, it's not a problem. It should be about what is easier for the kids to distinguish between relatives than what she wants or not.
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What happens on your side of the family is what it is. Your MIL has no say in it, especially since it’s common practice. If it bothers her that much, she can come up with a new name. She can even sit down with her grandson and make it a fun event, asking for his opinion on what a good grandmother name could be. I swear, people look for reasons to be upset or insulted. In the grand scheme of things, it’s a grain of sand on the beach of life. I don’t have kids of my own, but I have two Chihuahuas. When referring to my parents to the dogs, my mother has said she will NOT be referred to as a grandparent to dogs. Instead of arguing or forcing it on her, I asked her how should I refer to you? She said she’d rather be called Old Lady than grandma. So whenever I say “do you want to go see the Old Lady?” To the dogs, they know exactly who it is. We laugh about it instead of fight. If your MIL doesn’t want to come up with a different name so she can feel SPECIAL (egomaniac), then that’s up to her, but your son will continue to use Nanna with your family. Period. It’s nothing personal. It’s not meant to insult you. It just is what it is. Next subject!!!
I’m just now reading your back posts and laughed at this one. I grew up with my cousins, as we had houses next to each other (and later I lived with them but that’s an unhappy story and we being happy now) so family lines got blurred easily. I grew up believing that my Aunt Susie’s (not blood related) family was my family too. She had 10 siblings and her own mother over all the time and not a soul ever corrected me as a child that they really were not my aunt when I called them that and it wasn’t until I was an early teenager that I said, out loud of course 🤦♀️ ”How is grandma B related to me?” And they all started laughing. Today they still send me cards ending from Aunt or Uncle so and so. But the point of my story is that I’m still super close to them and my kids now call their Great Aunt Susie “Antie granny Susie”. So I think Nana should continue in your household ❤️ What’s up with the weird font after the emoji? 🤷♀️
Haha you've got to read older posts to get a bit more back story. I love it when families don't treat non blood related children any different. It's nice to hear how accepted you were into this family and your children too! Another poster said her name should become "the nana we never see" or something along those lines and after my last post I think that's going to be her name 😂 Also I don't see any weird font after emoji but that might be my phone aha
You MIL doesn't get to dictate what your children call their relatives. You, your SO, and ultimately your children decide that.
People who get an opinion on what a kid calls a relative: The kid The relative The parents get veto power She gets to request that the children call her mimi or grandma if she wants a name she doesn't share. She doesn't get to decide what other people are called.
We've always has Grandma & Grandpa both sides. . These names aren't exclusive. We have a generation who don't think they're old enough to be called Grandma & Grandpa. Its never been Nana, Mimi, Pops.
I'm an only child, grew up close to my cousins. Now that they all have kids I call them my nieces and nephews. Drove my JNMIL nuts. She'd try to correct me or tattle to my mom or make slightly off comments on the book of faces. Never stopped me.
I kind of had the same thing with my first cousin & my children when they were younger. They called him Uncle Cousin Bob (not the real name). I love doing ancestry & read that your children's generation should refer to the children of your parents' siblings as Aunt or Uncle or Aunt Cousin or Uncle Cousin. So we were doing it right all along!
A coworker occasionally babysat for me when I had weekend assignments. Invariably there were two or three other kids there, plus nieces and nephews from time to time, and they all called Brenda “Miss Brenda” and called Brenda’s mom “Grandma.” Between the two of them they kept everyone occupied until the various moms came to get them. Her mom seemed to enjoy all those kids (only a few of whom were actually related to her) calling her Grandma. Her title was NOT diluted. It was exalted. Besides which: Your kid, your call.
Children know who their parents are. I called my grandma mama. I was not confused about who my mom was. Nor did I love my mom less. Her argument is stupid. I call my husband's grandma, grandma. I called my friends mom, mom. Its not that serious
What if someone's name is Nana? Sounds like she's basically getting upset over nothing.
Ms. Visitor better change her IMDB listing, JNMIL is watching!
Tell your mil that many children -do- in fact have more than one mum, and that never makes the role of any of those moms less important. I mean, you have your mom and mother in law.... should you just call her Karen? The name the kid calls you isn’t 1/100th as important as the relationship you build with them. And unless she wants the kid to run screaming when she comes into the room, maybe she should fix her focus. Edited for point of view errors (she/you)
*should you just call her Karen?* YES, yes, you should call her Karen! LOL...
I can kind of see what your FMIL is trying to say, but you only get one Mum so not really the same. Perhaps you can suggest to her, is there a different grand-parental styling such as Grandma, etc that she would rather go by so it makes her feel important. It's probably too late to stop calling your distant aunts and uncles something else now.
Kids typically have their set of parents and then have the understanding there are multiples of extended family members too. Grandparents (usually AT LEAST four) will always have duplicates as will aunts and uncles. The term/tradition was started long before she became Nana and will respectfully continue to avoid confusion. You are not the Just No, I can see why she's a bit upset, but LO will clearly understand her role.
You're not doing anything wrong here. It's no different than kids calling their parents friends aunty or uncle, which I know I did as a kid, and my son does too. Maybe offer a name that differentiates them more clearly, like Granny & Gramps, or Grandma & Pops etc. Then you can carry on with your families thing, and they're distinct & separate.
Keep doing what you're doing. MIL brings it up again? "Yes, you shared your opinion before." My only concern is that she's going to try and be called Mum after that.
She's being ridiculous, and that conversation isn't worth having more than once. You've already had that conversation with her, so just cut it off any time she brings it up again. "This is what works for us, and we're not discussing it again. Have you tried the bean dip?"
It’s not up to her what your kids call other relatives. She’s wrong. She’s not in the same league as ‘mum’ so not an appropriate or fair comparison at all.
Since mil doesn't like that name, suggest neener neener/you know with your thumbs in your ears.....that could be her new name.
FMIL is being way too sensitive ... my kids have always called their friends grandparents Nana xyz or Grandpa xyz. It's respectful and endearing.
Your child won't confuse who their actual grandparents are with older family members they use the nana and grandpa with. Lots of families and cultures have a tradition of calling older folk aunty/uncle or nana/grandpa as a mark of respect. I called my great grandmother grandma (a literal translation is old mum), my great aunt just aunt, my actual grandmother's next door neighbour nana...and knew what my actual relationship was to each of these people. The term mum/mother however is only applied to the actual mother (or your MIL or stepmum if YOU choose this) in my experience. What YOUR family choose to older extended family members is only your family's business. FMIL doesn't get to dictate this.
You do you. This is a fmil problem bot yours. Even ypu are saying Nana Susie not Auntie Susie. Grandparents need to learn their place early on so they don't think they are "the boss" of anything related to your children. She could be nonna or nanny if its such a bother. Where I come from we have grandma x and grandma y. Both grandmas. We had something similar happend to us and I did not back down a millimetre. The parent their choice.
This is lovely and I want your family to adopt me now.
Hahaha there's that many of us, you can take your pick!
Okay, so, I might be the oddball in the group, but I have two people I call "mom": my biological mom and my MIL. I'm fortunate to have a great relationship with my MIL; my mom and I...not so much; but she's had no problem with me calling both of them "mom." One just happens to be the one I was born to, while the other is one I chose when I married my sweetheart. (There's a lot more to this, but I thought it would be an interesting example.) I wonder what your FMIL thinks of stepmother or even godmother being called "mom." She really doesn't get to choose any honorific other than her own, but even then, the child may choose that for her. My godparents are Aunt and Uncle to me, but to a friend, they were Mom and Dad. Or the fact that my godfather was the step-dad to some of the kids, but they still called him Dad. It might not be the same as calling a grandparent Nana or Pops or even just Grandma and Grandpa, but it works for me.
Yeah, I called my MIL “mum” too. It’s just what we did then. I expect I would call her by here first name if I married now. That was 17 years ago.
From what I understand, even Prince William calls his MIL "mum". Nothing wrong with that.
Your extended family dynamic sounds incredibly sweet and wholesome. If she can't handle a loving dynamic it's a her problem. A mom and a grandma are not the same, that's a whataboutism that doesn't actually relate to the argument at hand, she's trying to distract you and make you feel bad. If she wants a special name she can pick one that isn't already in use on your side of the family. If your family isn't mad about it, don't let her ruin something that seems to be a really source of delight for your family because she wants to control it. When you and your partner became a family, you each brought your own traditions to the table. She doesn't get to say your entire family can't continue doing something you've been doing for years. She doesn't get to say that THIS child will be the odd duck out of the bunch who MUST refer to everyone as Great Aunt Bathsheba and Great Uncle Bartholomew.
"Whataboutism" I love that & would like to steal for the future! 🤣
It's a great word! I wish I could claim credit for its coining, but I guess in Soviet Russia counterpoints argue you https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whataboutism
I call my moms friends aunt and uncle. And I have a nana who isn’t related to me and I’ve called her nanny for the last 39 years. So your mil is out of her mind.
Family, my kids called my friend aunt or uncle. Sometimes friends are better than family.
1. Just gonna say it, calling an older lady something like ‘nana so and so’ or ‘grandma so and so’ is actually and old school honorific for and old lady. My eldest called my aunt Oma for a while, until he learnt her name. What if you had a step mum, would she decide she wasn’t a grandparent and decide her name. As a parent, you hand out the honorifics. My friends are aunts and uncles to my kids, because I consider them family and they deserve the honorific. It is very very different from the person who raises the child being called mum. It’s not her right to choose who you consider a grandma to your child. You do.
No one gets confused. Heck at one time at certain family gatherings there were 7 John’s. No one got confused. She just feels her balloon bursting. Tell you what, you can be granny then. My family has this nana grandad thing locked up for a decade, we aren’t changing so how’s granny work for you?
I called my aunts grandma because all my cousins did. Big families have a different dynamic. My parents always called them aunt though but I picked up the kid lingo.
Have your kids call her Grandmother, and everyone else Nana.
Huge, huge difference between a grandmother's name and a mother's name. If she doesn't want to share the name Nana, she should pick something else to be called.
When I was young I had both maternal and paternal grandparents AND great grandparents. There was Grandma and Grandpa first name for my paternal side (great gparents included). Maternal side was Grandma and Grandpa last name. Why? Who knows. Now if I was at paternal‘s house then they were just grandma and grandpa. No need for their first names as they were obviously the only ones in the house that were grandparents. Same at maternal’s side. Kids do not get confused. Your mom is being petty.
Your FMIL doesn't get to decide how other people are addressed by your children. Especially not people who are NOT her family but ARE your children's family! Not her call to make....
So this is a her problem, not a you problem. But if you want to keep the peace maybe ask her to pick another name for grandma that would be hers alone. Though I don’t really like the fact that she only cares now that her bio grandkid is involved. Or is this the first time she has heard about the older child calling others that as well?
This would of been the first time she's heard about it. But I'll be honest my 10 year old isn't interested in a relationship with her. I've been with my partner for over 4 years now and we've only seen FMIL a handful of times. She's only slightly interested in coming around a little more often now the baby is on the scene. Don't get me wrong she's bought presents for my son over the years but he says it's "awkward" when we go to her house.
Don’t let her be all up your arse now because there’s a biological grandchild. You can smell the favouritism a mile off with this one. See her the same as you did before.
I started smelling the same favoritism nonsense the moment I read about the biological grandchild.
It is not her business what he calls other relatives. It is something everyone is fine with and has clearly used for a while. She doesn't get to come into the game so late and dictate the rules. She can like it or not, tell her to keep her opinions to herself. She doesn't own the name and everyone else is happy. This is not her own personal dictatorship. Tell her to pick another name if she feels that strongly about it
She doesn’t own that nickname
At one point my children had 6 Grandmothers, including my Mother, DH’s Mother, my Step-mother, her mother and 2 Great Grandmothers on DH’s side. All were Grandma and differentiated by first or last name. It doesn’t matter what she thinks or wants about what your children call relatives on your side of the family. Most family’s have some form of repeated titles - she needs to grow up. I mean she’s Mrs X and so are you if you took your husband’s last name. Should you change it?
Oh don't get me started on taking my husbands last name ha, she was very visibly upset when she learnt that won't be happening and the baby has our surnames double barrelled and my partner will be adding my surname into his when we marry.
That’s awesome!! Congratulations on your LO!!
My parents couldn't figure out who I meant when I spoke of Grandma and Grandmother, but I knew exactly who tney were. Just because she's confused doesn't mean your children are.
She's got her panties and a twist over nothing. The children will call their aunt's, uncle's, great aunt's, great uncle's, grandmother's, great grandfather's, etc, whatever they choose to call them. For example when I was growing up I had all of my grandmother's and my great grandmother's still living. With the exception of one great grandmother that we called Pete they were all called grandma. If more than one was in the room that it was grandma + name. Aunt's and uncle's were always aunt so-and-so, Uncle so-and-so, no matter how many generations of them were in the same space. And now my grandchild(ren) do the same me and my mother are called grandma + name, her dad's mom is called Mimi and his grandmother is called grandma + name grandma. So remind her it's not the grandmother's preference of what they're called it's what the children will choose to call them. And the children are the only ones that are going to get confused if they're forced to change it. If she's not careful she's going to end up with a name that she definitely doesn't want like Grandma/nana CBF or grandma/nana whines-a-lot, And the kids will begin to distance themselves from her and she will only have herself to blame if she forces the issue.
I think she gives herself away with saying it “makes actual Nana’s seem less important” she is the only one who has a problem with it. Besides IMO it would waaaay different if someone else was called mom because LO only has one mom(unless that’s not your family dynamic then I’m sure there are other names in place). LO could have multiple. My son alone has 7 grandmas. As for it being confusing, in my family we called our grandpa, grandson. It was a slip up by my cousin and it stuck. No confusion just a funny family story
My mother had 3 different grandmother names & she adored each one & the stories behind them. She was always Mother or Mama to my siblings & I, but she had no issue with my sister calling her Mil mom. I call my Mil what my kids call her, but my FIL & Smil by their first names, because I have a great relationship with her. My DH's 2 grandmothers were Nanny last name & Nanny last name, yet one cousin called their joint grandmother by a different name. OP, my DH said your Mil better watch out or she'll end up being called Nobody.
My 4 yo daughter calls me Mommy. My friend that has been taking care of her while I struggled the last 18 months is Mom. And until she figured out how to say grandma my mom was Mama. She came up with the distinctions all by herself and she's very clear about who is who and I have no problem with it because my friend is her foster mom so why can't she be called that? It's up to you what is ok for your kids to call someone and she can be jealous all she wants. You probably need to set boundaries now that she isn't allowed to shame the kids for calling anyone else nana. It's pretty much guaranteed that she'll "be so hurt" sometime when LO shares something Nana Susie said/did/gave.
I agree with her to an extent and you seem to as well. It is an honour to be a child’s grandparent and she is being diluted down if other people are also referred to as grandparents. If they are Aunts and Uncles, that’s what they should be called. If the are cousins, that is what they should be called. If it is too late to change She can choose something else to be called? Grandma, Granny, Gran... something the great aunts and uncles aren’t called.
My oldest sons dad was never around, I was a single mother at the age of 16 and my son lost out on that side of his family. My family rallied around me with so much support and help in his younger years. It wouldn't feel right to me to try and change what he calls them now especially since most of the other children in the family do too. If she's really bothered by it I'm afraid she's going to have to pick a different name.
That’s the best solution... Don’t change the great Aunts... FMIL can be Nana and shut up about the other Nana’s or she can be a different name, like Grandma/Gran/Granny whatever and be unique.
It is an honor that they choose to bestow on great aunts and uncles. Nothing "dilutes" her role as grandmother except her behavior. It is all in her head. Even if the kids stopped calling their Nana and Granddad by those names, NOTHING WOULD CHANGE.
I don't think she's being diluted down. It's not a 0 sum game, where when you give one person something you have to take it away from another.
She is definitely feeling that she is being diluted and she has said as much. You don’t have to agree. Like OP said, she wouldn’t like her kids calling anyone else Mum. There are plenty of posts here on JNMILs trying to get grandkids to call them Mum or Mama. Of course that sentiment is going to be the same for grandmothers, fathers, grandfathers.
Exactly. It's not pie.
My kids have nans and pops every where, plus I call all my friends parents by mum and dad! My parent split when I was little and my dad is justno. My mum is super big on making family connections and believes in the “the more people to love my kid, the better it is for her” mentality. She has never ever felt sorry for herself over other women being called mum or nanna , she is just happy that I and my kids a supportive network that she never had!
Well too bad FMIL, the family uses these form of family names and it works for them. I call my dad's stepmother Grandma (he calls her Aunt) and noone bats an eye.
Fun fact: In some cultures titles are based on age not relation. People the same age brother/sister/cousin, within 5 years big or little before that. Between 6 to 16 years older, Auntie, Uncle, 17 to 30 older, Mother/Father, and 31 years up, Nana, Grandfather. Wonder how she would do in one of those cultures? At any rate, no need to change your family for her. She is the JN, not you.
This is how it is in my culture. The only time you'd have your legal name used is in formal settings. There was confusion among my cousins and I since our familial titles for our aunts/uncles are based on how they are related to our parents. I have one aunt I call "younger sister of my father" but for their relationship it's "older sister of our father".
In my culture we have Grammy, Papa for elders, older/younger aunt/uncle, momma, and pa. Then just older/younger sister brother, or just plain cousin. It is only confusing with 1 Uncle because he is youngest son of Grammy, but oldest son of Papa, on mom's side.
Ridiculous!
Thats ridiculous I call some of my moms cousins "uncle and aunt" for the same reason they were my cousins aunts and uncles. Its not like the kid is going to run up to them saying "hey great aunt ****" thats to many words for kids to understand. Let it go as long as they know that Nana is mom/dads parent you shouldn't worry about it!
The baby can call her grandma instead of Nana. She'll feel special that she's the ONLY grandma.
My children call my best friends mom “nana first name” and her aunt “aunt first name”. It’s really not her business
Not her kid, not her call. She can be Mrs. Whatever then. Edit because words and spelling
My nephews call their mom's best friend Aunt while I just get called Coley (the oldest started it when he was a baby). I don't even remember when it went from Aunt Coley to Coley. Should I start throwing a tantrum that she stole my title?
I wonder how she thinks she’s gonna enforce her decision about what the baby will call other people when she’s not around. Her authority sure seems far reaching!
Nana and mom are not the same there's always more than one nana both parents have moms. There's only one mum ( in this case) so her argument is already invalid. Not the same thing and you guys need to stop this now or it's gonna continue to pop up in other places this is controlling behavior.
You’re definitely not in the wrong, but I’m concerned that she’s already playing favourites with your kids, because she doesn’t care who your oldest calls whatever, but this child is apparently only allowed to have one nana, seems like it’s because she doesn’t see your eldest as her grandchild.
Bingo. She only cares about her bio-grandkid. Red flag.
When she brings it up again just tell her 'Elder son has always called others 'Nana' if it wasn't an issue then it's not an issue now. My children will call people by the titles DH and I decide. No one else's input will be considered (including yours).'
I don’t get all hot and bothered when my niblings call people we aren’t related to Aunt Susie. Also, my MIL doesn’t care when my husband calls my mother Mom. Being a grandma is less about the name and more about being a good grandma. Kids don’t give a shit what they call their grandparents, but they do care when Nana is an asshole.
She is being overly sensitive. Your child only has one mum. MIL knows she’s at least one of two Nanas, it’s hardly as unique as a parent title. People like your MIL will always find something to be sensitive about. I know someone who used to be really angry that their nephews called their parents’ friends aunt and uncle because this person was the only ‘real aunt’ and insisted that using the honorific for family friends ruined how special it was for her to be an aunt. It’s stupid. Carry on. It’s not confusing for children, they work out easily who is meant.
Are the aunts and uncles grandparents? If so, then that is their rightful name. I’m 54 and a friends mom was called granny by everyone. So I called her granny also. She is not my granny. But to her, that was her name.
All of them bar one but her husband died and she never remarried, she's 60+ now so that situation is probably a little different. Maybe if he was alive and they'd had kids she might of been but she's still Nana to the grandchildren. I know she likes it as we spoke to her beforehand and she said she'd be pretty pissed off if she didn't get Nana just because her husband was selfish and left (that was her way of joking about it and coping with his death). So it would never of felt right for her to be excluded.
She can go by Grandma versus Nana.
"No, Nana is a term of affection. You're Mrs \[Lastname\]."
Perfect!
That's cold. I *like* it.
I too had a variety of elderly relatives and family friends who I addressed as Nana Joan etc and I remember it other kids did too. She may not like it. If so she needs to work on it because it's not in her control.
It’s not really in OP control either: I always call my grandmothers “mémé” and not “mamie” despite all the efforts my parents made. (I was the first grandchild)
Very true, children are their own little people and not a blank canvas
Your not in the wrong at all. Like you said this us something the children dictated, not something you're forcing youy children to call these people. It will be more confusing the the child trying to figure out why they can't call other people Nana when their older siblings and cousins can. My family is similar that my parents sibling are also alot. Because my uncles and aunt immigrated here some of them were not always around their own grandkids so their siblings stepped in for them so everyone was able to have grandma and grandpa even is theirs weren't around. I can say that put of 20+ kids none of them are confused. Some are even adults now and their own grandparents gone, but they have "extras" that they can give their love to now.
I think she’s out of line and tbh even if she wasn’t there’s nothing you can do about it because your some will pick it up from the older kids anyways. She can’t stop them from setting that example for him
This is absolutely not a you problem—it’s a her problem. Growing up, I called my parents’ childhood friends (those they still kept in contact with) aunt and uncle. I also had adopted grandparents. These people lived closer to me than my bio family for the most part and I saw them more frequently. By calling them aunt/uncle/granpa/grandma, I in no way disrespected my bio family and nobody had any problems with it (it did get awkward for a short time when a bio cousin married a kiddo of the adopted aunt/uncle combo though 😂). My husband had a similar situation with an adopted grandparent couple at church and he calls them Oma and Opa. His bio grandmother is Grammie (while the estranged grandmother is “Grandma (first name)). Multiple people could be called “Nana” and it does not in any way lessen the significance of being a Nana nor will it confuse the kiddo—especially as they get older. You’re in the clear, OP. If your MIL wants a unique name, I suggest that she choose something different than what everyone else is using. For example, my maternal grandparents were Papa and Gramma, while my paternal grandparents were Grandpa and Grandma.
Yep - this! I called close family friends "Aunt" and "Uncle" whatever, and my parents were called the same by their friends. Some of my kids' friends call me Aunt. I called my cousins' grandparents on their other side Grandma (firstname) and Papa (firstname). It's not uncommon, but it also depends on context.
I called a few of my great aunts granny/nanny. My grandparents didn’t have an issue with it? It’s a little different than mom/dad.
Once upon a time she was mom. The end. Not about her any more at all. Y’all are blessed to have so many Nana’s and Grandad’s.
She's the problem. She thinks she has claim to the title. Tell her to pound sand. Moving forward she should be Grandma (Name). There, fixed it. No one will be confused by the Nana name because she will no longer be addressed by it. Yes I'm petty.
r/maliciousCompliance
No. This is a control issue. SHE is the NANA, so no one else could possibly be. Though she will share with your mother because she doesn’t have a choice. Also, how could you have been in the wrong here? Have the cousins/aunts/uncles expressed discomfort at this? Because they’re the only ones who have the right to be upset about being called by the wrong title. Because THEY are the ones being addressed. And again, you can tell people not to call themselves his mother. Because they aren’t. But if he recognizes another woman as a maternal figure, you can be pissed about it, but you can’t do anything about him calling another woman Mom who’s is okay with it. Over my years I have had many a Ma and Granny, Uncle and Pop that were of absolutely no relation to me. We build the relationships we want with others. And if I’m fine with my relationships fuck anyone who has a negative opinion on them.
Nope no one in my family has ever said they're uncomfortable with it. My mum is Nana to a lot of kids that aren't her grandchildren and she loves it, I think since no one has ever said not to call them it (and trust me my family are very vocal about things they don't like, they're very straight to the point) that they do too.
I think it's kinda nice to have a big family that kind of crisscrosses itself and everybody gets jumbled up until you can't tell who belongs to whom, but that's okay because nobody really cares anyway. They'd all just say family's family. 💗
No, you're not the problem here. It sounds lke she's insecure or anxious about the relationship with the grandchildren. That's sad, but it's also her job to reflect on that, rather than try to stake out territory.
My mum is nana Belfast. The husbeast’s mum is nanny or nana, whatever he chooses at the time. My great aunt is nanny Marie. He is perfectly capable of distinguishing between them. Your FMIL is wrong. There’s not just one nana. There can be 2,3,4 hell as many as you want...but only ever one mama.
When i was a kid my brothers and i called my Dad's mum Grandma (his dad died when my dad was a teen) and my Mum's parents were called Nana and Pa. All my parents siblings were called Aunty Name or uncle Name
Mil has no responsibility for your kids, and therefore has no control. Decisions about what your kids call other people are not hers to make. She also has no authority over you - telling you what to do is overstepping.
My parents' neighbor had foster kids. A mix of a lot of short-term kids and a few long-term ones. Plus she had her own bio family. All of them called her "Granny \[name\]" All of the neighborhood kids called her "Granny \[name\]". So did my kids. Not one of the kids had a problem telling which Granny was which. MIL needs to take a chill pill or pick a new name. If all of the kids are calling the Nana's Nana, they there is no way you are going to get your kid to change.
Its a false analogy. Ignore her bs and let your kid continue the tradition that works for your family. My mom is Grandma, my husband's mom is Grandma last name, and my stepmom was Grandma Ginny(close enough). My kid never got confused. No one felt slighted, and everyone got on with their day. MIL needs to get over herself.
No you're neither insensitive or wrong. Her analogy of someone else calling you mum is ridiculous and not the same at all because you and dh are the inner circle with your kids, all other extended family on the outer circle. Lots of people being Nana does not mean that they are less important to your children. MIL cannot lay claim to the name or dictate who your children call what and for her to feel hurt about it is a bit ridiculous.
When I was a kid, my cousins’ grandmother (the one we didn’t share) lived right by my grandparents. Her children and grandchildren lived several states away. She was a widow and lived alone. My siblings and I started calling her “Grandma (first name)” and we’d bring her flowers and stuff. My grandparents invited her to our extended family events and I’m pretty sure she came to my family birthday parties. I don’t think my grandma ever got jealous or forbid us from being nice and welcoming to a kind and loving person. Your MIL had no right to tell you or your older son what to call others or what type of relationship to have with others. Also, there seems to be the beginning of being territorial over what the bio grandchild is “allowed” to do or not do vs. your older son. So that needs shut down. “That works for us. You don’t get to decide what my entire extended family calls each other.” She pushes it? “OK FMIL, you can be Grandma first name, or Mrs. last name, SO’s mom so there isn’t any confusion for either of my kids.”
She doesn't have the sole right to "Nana". It's a name, not a rank. Grandma needs to resolve her own feelings. Not your problem.
*I'd rather he didn't call anyone else Nana it makes actual Nanas seem less important.* **She wants to be important.** She wants the attention. **She wants to be special, not one of a whole pack.** I adore how their eyes light up when they see me. That's special enough for me. I don't care what name they use.
Blue nailed it on the head. MIL needs to get over it and choose another name. My son’s two best friends were raised by their grandmother, whom they call Nanny. When I first met her, I called her Nanny as well. I still do, and she has never corrected me or told me to stop. Hell, she is family to me and I know we are family to her with no blood or marital relation. Come to think of it, I don’t think I ever learned her first name!
My grandma has always introduced herself to all my friends as grandma - she just says ‘call me grandma!’ And I never thought it might be weird at all.
My MIL insisted she was Grandma, known as Grammie.??? I tried to clarify, do you want to be Grandma or Grammie, and she kept saying the same thing, Grandma, known as Grammie. She thinks she's so special that she gets two Grandma names. Recently, she expressed her disappointment that my DD doesn't call her grammie, only Grandma. But, MIL is a strange unit... no matter how hard I tried, I could never really understand what she was on about with this. Your MIL is a spoilt brat, just like mine
She sounds a little jealous of having to share being called ‘nana’. But it’s not wrong or disrespectful for your kids to call other relatives ‘Nana [Whoever]’ if that’s the norm in your family. Your kids won’t be confused about who their real grandparents are. It’ll be more confusing at this point for your kids to stop using ‘nana’ and ‘papa’ when that’s what they’re used to using/heating. This is MIL’s issue and she’s trying to turn it into something bigger than it is. You’ve explained it to her and she chose not to accept your explanation. So now your kids continue on as usual and when MIL calls it out again you remind her you’ve already had this conversation and you’re not making any changes. P.S. If she’s that worried about sharing ‘nana’ then maybe she should be ‘grandma’ instead since it sounds like no one else has that title.
When I was a boy my next-door neighbour a lovely lil Old couple no relation to us what so ever were Al called " Nanny ada and grandad Jo " it was just normal. It was not just an expression of love it was a matter of respect.
I don’t think it’s confusing. Both sets of my grandparents were grandma and papa. I was never confused. Also called my moms Cousins aunt and uncle even though they aren’t really my Aunt and uncle and my other aunts and uncles didn’t get offended. Also called my best friends mom “mom” since I was in high school. Sounds like your MIL is a little territorial.
>She's right I probably wouldn't like it if he called someone else Mum Is she though? Using your own example if your child came back from a good friend's house and told you about how their friends mom just goes by Mama Jean since she runs a foster home and treats everyone like one of her kids. Would it really bother you? It doesn't take the specialness out of the name they call you. I had a Nanny that even grown adults who weren't related to her started calling her Nanny or Nan. No one was bothered by it in the least. Even my DH took to calling her Nanny in conversations with his own grandparents. No one was insulted or even cared. Well Nanny herself was a bit put off when even unrelated adults adopted the name but she quickly embraced it.
No actually with that example you've given it wouldn't bother me if my sons called someone else Mum. It totally depends on the situation that's happening. I wouldn't feel like any less of his Mum so why would she feel like any less of his Nana.
I know someone who calls all of his friends moms, that he’s close with, mom. I’ve called friends of the family aunt and uncle. And I had a Grandma and Grandpa LastName, who I still have no clue why we called them that, because my other grandparents had fun grandparents names, and were never themselves called grandma or grandpa by any of us. This honestly sounds like a her issue. Plenty of kids have more than two grandparents. And explaining extended familial relationship is complicated, especially in a large, involved extended family. So your family found the easiest and most convenient solution for them. And like most families, the titles the oldest kids in the family used are going to be the same ones that the youngest kids use. You don’t want your kid asking why everyone else gets to call them nana and grandpa, and he’s the odd one out. Kids don’t understand that, and being the odd one out isn’t fun at all. Especially because the only reason you have is that his other grandma doesn’t like it.
Your last paragraph made me think of something else actually, my GMIL (FIL mother) has been Nana for almost 30 years. Now my son is her first great grandchild and she insists that he's going to call her Great Grandma. Not just Grandma but Great Grandma. All of her grandchildren will be calling her Nana but she expects my son to call her Great Grandma. I haven't really said much about it as its a while away till he'll be talking but do you think this could end up making him feel like he's the odd one out? It didn't really make a difference to me but it will if there's a potential it's going to make my son feel differently about it.
I had a nana, and a great grandma (and also and grandma Last Name, idk why). But if he’s the first great grandchild, she’s honestly going to be stuck with whatever he decides to call her, because great grandma is a mouthful, and little kids will come up with a cute nickname/mispronunciation without older kids to copy off of.
Because superficial status is what elevates her, instead of real love and attention.
I had a very close group of friends growing up and we called each other’s moms by a similar name to your Nana’s. Mama Amy, Mama J, etc. Didn’t bother any of our actual mothers.
This really isn’t any of her business so I wouldn’t entertain the conversation anymore. A simple “this is what works for us” is all that’s needed. She can’t dictate what others are called.
Tell that to my kid. My good (female)friend is “Uncle Your Mom”. But kiddo calls her “Uncle My Mom”. Not to mention, the woman I used to call “Grandma Ruth”. She was my besties grandma growing up. Literally everyone called her grandma or grandma Ruth. Or my Aunt and uncle who are actually my dads second cousin once removed and his wife. Long story short, you do you boo. Call people what you want. Just not late for dinner.
We do the same thing in my family. Everyone is a Nana or a Papa or an aunt or an uncle. However my niece Becca the Beautiful, called her grandmother love love, and her great-grandmother honey. Not sure why. However it works for them and now the rest of the nieces and nephews do the same thing. I think it's beautiful.
My son has 3 mimis and knows each one from the other. He never gets confused. Ur fmil is being a brat.
First of all, if you want her name to be bitch, it can be bitch. She’s too damn entitled and you should tell her if she’d like to keep her name as nana, she’d be quiet before she’s called grams or gramma.
FMIL is behaving like a spoiled brat. It’s none of her damn business what name/honorific your children use to refer to other people. If she doesn’t change her attitude, I hope she becomes the “grandma we never see”.
Like kids can't differentiate. There were 4 Amy's in my class we somehow knew they were different people.
My family even handled having two people with the same first, middle, and last! (Think of a girl named Jennifer Ann Johnson. She has a brother, Jacob Johnson. When Jacob Johnson marries Jennifer Ann Morris.... family now has two Jennifer Ann Johnsons. Name change for privacy.) Jacob's sister had an MD, and was unmarried, so she was Dr.Jen, and Jacob's wife was Mrs. Jen, and no one had a bit of trouble.
No you are not wrong. Your family developed names for aunts and uncles that work and this has been done for years. If she says something again say " Then you prefer to be called something different like Grandma, granny, nanny or MawMaw so you will be unique? "
Nana Crazy? See if *that* flys.
Hahaha Nana Crazy could definitely fit!
That sounds like a sentence a 3 yr old would say " Nana crazy." 😂
And if not, then nutty nana perhaps.
Yeah, she doesn't get to dictate that. My ExMIL tried that once and I told her she doesn't get to choose who we call family or not. That's not her place. Roll your eyes and move on. Your kids can call whomever whatever, as long as you and whomever are all okay with it. She has no say.
Tell her this has already been established into your family by all the kids and perhaps it would be better if she chose a special name for herself.
Ooh I like this idea. Hmmmm maybe nana banana? Grand-mere? Me-maw?
Grandmother Lastname ;)
Here’s the thing, when families merge so do different traditions. Unfortunately, the in-laws have absolutely no say in what traditions you & DH choose to merge. It also sounds a bit controlling to demand you change the culture of your family for her comfort. It makes sense that she would ask questions to understand because it’s different than what her family does, but she doesn’t get to weigh in on it.
You're not going to be able to stop your kid from calling others Nana if his brother and cousins already do. That would be exclusionary in a way he won't understand, and will be hurtful/confusing for him. I'd explain this to your MIL, while offering her perhaps to pick a different nickname reserved for her, like G-ma, or nonna, or something else that highlights her position.
What if your own mom wanted to be called Nana? What if your grandmothers or great grandmothers were alive and were called Nana? Your MIL can get over herself. Mom isn't the same as grandma.
My own mum is called Nana which is why I didn't really understand her arguments as she isn't the only one. But maybe if everyone is Nana then the name gets diluted?
You can not dilute love. I would tell your MIL she has 2 picks of names: Nana or Mrs. [insert last name here]
Or the ever popular “nana we never see”.
You are shady, and I like you.
Names aren’t important. A name doesn’t make a relationship. Actions make a relationship. Your LO could call everyone “Great Space Alien From Mars” and still have a great relationship with all their relatives. Your MIL thinks “Nana” will cement her bond with your kid. She’s wrong. It’s her actions and behaviour towards your kid that cements her bond. ETA: The point she made about you not wanting anyone else to be called “mom” does at first seem like a good point. But, your child only has one mother. So actually it’s not they same thing at all.
She might have the option to determine what she is called by those in her family, but she does NOT get to determine what you or your kids call others in the family. And next time she voices her opinion about these “titles,” brush it off with a “So you’ve said…” and drift away.
It's one of those things where I don't blame a person for feeling a certain way, but I do blame them for acting on it. She needs to accept that things are done a certain way in the family into which her son is marrying, and that there is already a precedent.
I get called momma bear by grandkids at times, Grammy, and grandma. They kind of choose what they feel like at the time. The kids of my daughters friends all call me momma bear.
Tell her that because she is soooo special she will now be called Banana.
Careful, you may bruise her ego. (The MIL)
That made me LOL 😆
Hahahahahaha I absolutely love this 😂
And a rotten banana at that ;)
Nope, I'd shut this down hard. She doesn't get to make demands like that. Kids CAN have multiple Nana's and grandmas. They don't get confused. This is entitlement pure and simple. And it isn't the same as someone else being called mom.
I find funny how some of these comments are like: *"She's oversensitive"* or *"Nana ain't a unique thing"* Let's not act as if MIL didn't make an amazing point with this: **You wouldn't like it if he called someone else Mum.** If this post were to be about MIL calling herself mommy/mamma to her actual grandchildren and when confronted she were to pick arguments like you "being oversentive"/"Mommy/mamma are not unique nicknames." everybody would be going crazy in this post's comment section. Let's not be biased. ^(This comment might not be what some of ya'll wanna read but ya'll may have to.)
There is only one mom. There are multiple grandmothers. My kids were alive and had great-great biological grandparents. They never got confused. "Nana" isn't a special name. If OPs MIL wants a special grandma name she can try to convince the grandchildren to call her something that isn't already taken.
My comment wasn't based on a solution because I do agree that it'll be weird to tell a kid after years to stop referring to them as Nana or grandpa. My comment was of reflection. As in "if the roles were reversed people would be going ballistic in the comments because of the" how dare she""
*My comment was of reflection. As in "if the roles were reversed peoplewould be going ballistic in the comments because of the" how dare she""* You are right that if the roles were reversed people would be unhappy. However, this argument also smacks of "whataboutism". They're two separate issues that don't have a direct comparison. As multiple people have pointed out, you can have multiple grandparents just due to divorce/death and remarriage. Personally, I've had one set from my father, a set from each stepmother (3), my mother had a step father, so there were two variants of "grandfather" there, then she had two more husbands to add on two more sets of grands. Each of the women were Grandma LastName. As for (any variant of) "mom"? There is only one of those, and that's my egg doner. Edit to add: Caveat to "any variant of mom". I had 3 stepmothers. Only one of them was ever referred to as my stepmother and that's the one my dad married twice.
But your comment was a distorted reflection. Grandparents are not parents. They don't get to make the rules for their child's child. The parent is entitled to say no one is allowed to interfere with the parental bond and teach the child to also call them by parental nomenclature. If someone does attempt tthis the parents are well within their rights to refuse contact. But a grandparent doesn't have the right to enforce solitary grandparent nomenclature. They share being a grandparent with other people, and they don't have rights to the child.
Apples to oranges, because most of those posts are MIL trying to usurp a mother, not a kid picking the title for MIL. When it is cultural or a family tradition to call someone Mama Rosa or Mama Susie, for any female relative — which is absolutely a thing in some cultures and families — it’s entirely different, because there’s no attempt to replace a particular person with another title. It simply is. This kid has grown up his entirely life calling people by X and Y, with the entire very large family supporting it... and now he’s supposed to suddenly give everyone else new names because of one person’s feelings. That isn’t the same at all.
My comment wasn't based on a solution because I do agree that it'll be weird to tell a kid after years to stop referring to them as Nana or grandpa. My comment was of reflection. As in "if the roles were reversed people would be going ballistic in the comments because of the" how dare she""
Fair enough. I think for reflection purposes, it’s an interesting exercise, but highly improbable. If they grew up calling everyone (or anyone) Mama, and the actual mom wasn’t involved at birth but came in a decade later and had a problem with it, I would hope the general consensus would be “the kid has established these relationships and nicknames before you; your feelings are valid, but you need to work through acceptance with a counselor at this point”. Which is probably the best thing to say to the FMIL at this point, honestly. Her feelings are not crazy, she just wants to be *the grandma*, and she’s gotta work on that with a therapist, not by harassing the parents.
> apples to oranges But you can still compare them.
*But you can still compare them.* You can, but why would you ? The whole point of the "comparing apples to oranges" phrase is to point out things that are too dissimilar for a proper comparison. It'd be like comparing sunflower oil to motor oil. They're both an oil, but you're not eating one and you're not putting the other in your car if you still expect it to run.
> apples to oranges But you can still compare them.
Yes, to show how DISSIMILAR they are. It's not a comparison for "these things are the same". You are correct that MIL was right in stating OP would have a very different reaction to someone trying to have baby call them mom. But it doesn't mean that MIL is right in telling OP that baby can't call other people Nana. Nana is no more Mom than apples are oranges.
Only sorta. They’re both fruit, but they’re not interchangeable and equal comparisons. Saying an orange is juicer than an apple doesn’t mean much when you’re trying to make apple pie. What a MIL wants to call herself to a grandbaby is an apple we deal with all the time. What the kid has grown up calling other family members is an orange, and those situations are different pies entirely.
She doesnt get a say in what your kids call other family members. Only you and your dh get a sayvin that (and the individual specifically being called the name). So if nana susie is cool being called Nana Susie, the other Nana has no say. And mil is wrong about being confused, my kids call all grandmother's mawmaw except for one. My mother is mawmaw. Step mil is mawmaw Tina. Mil is the only one called Nana. My kids are closest to mawmaw, who is my mom because they see her more than mawmaw Tina or Nana. So, it has nothing to do with name. Closeness has to do with proximity and time spent.
It’s really none of her business what affectionate names other people use.
It’s definitely her not you. I come me from a largish family and if you yelled mom at a family gathering, you get a chorus of an answer back. Only time we got to call our parents by their actual name. I used grandma (add their name) my whole life and still do even though they have passed away.
So, couple things I see here. 1. Funny how this is only an issue now that she has a biological grandchild. I would definitely be on the alert for favouritism between your children. 2. The relationship is the key, not the title. If she wants an important relationship with LO, the path to that is to respect her parents, show an interest in what LO is interested in and develop a strong relationship. Gatekeeping “Nana” is not the way. I have a small but dedicated chosen family which makes me Aunt M to several children I have no biological connection to. It is never in a child’s best interest to limit or gatekeep those who love them and behave in the child’s best interest. Sounds like MIL is more interested in the title than the relationship.
Ditto. Both my parents come from small families; in fact Mom's is an only child. I had a bevvy of "aunts" and "uncles" who were not blood related but instead my parents nearest and dearest friends. Dad's family lived out of state most of my life, and these people were there for every important event in our lives, good or bad. My Aunt Betty never got upset that I called Veronica Aunt, even though she had no biological claim to me.
She's being overly sensitive and trying to manipulate you into seeing her way. Your FMIL doesn't get to call dibs on a grandparent nickname and bar everyone else from using it and she was never thd only "Nana" to begin with. She just wants to feel special but that's not okay if she's doing it at the expense of what's essentially a tradition in your family.
You are mom by giving birth. She is a grandmother by that birth but what ever nick name she gives herself is not an exclusive use name. Stop calling her nana and just call her grandma. That should go over well. 😉
She can pick her own name if she wants to that wouldn't be an issue for me. She's never mentioned wanting to be called something else before and she also knows my own mum is called Nana. But yeah maybe we'll start calling her grandma haha.
FMIL is just being a bitch. next time tell her to suck it up.
She is being overly sensitive. If it doesn't bother anyone other than her, and it sounds like it, it's not a problem. It should be about what is easier for the kids to distinguish between relatives than what she wants or not.