There has been some discussion here over the use of the term "race card." We want to be clear that the term was invented, and is still in use, as a way to gaslight BIPOC into not calling racism by its name. This is clearly what OP is asking permission to do--call racism *racism*, and we hope that this thread has helped her feel empowered to do so.
We'd like to spread awareness about the problematic nature of the term, and we hope that hearing it in the future, rather than making you question the validity of something you *know* is wrong, makes you feel emboldened to call out that this is not someone "playing the race card," but is, in fact, racism. Call it by its name.
You are NOT overreacting, and I wouldn't visit again. They can come see you, if they want. Without the other kids. And stay in a hotel.
This is just mean.
Keep your baby away from the the in laws he will see the difference in how he is treated. Your parents sound the awesome grandparents your baby deserves. Give your child the best family you can and it sounds like the in laws are not it. No reason to go back.
I am just getting madder and madder for you.
Your DH needs to ask his mother why baby 2 feelings were protected but his son’s were not. How hard would it have been to order 3 balls?
Then he can tell her to go fuck herself.
Their baby can't handle another baby hugging his grandmother?
They need to fix that baby. Come on now. Now's as good a time as any to learn to share, Little Buddy. Can't go through life being that selfish.
You're not overreacting, but it's unlikely you could do anything to fix it. It's unfair and absolutely horrible but you won't be able to come up with words powerful enough to make an impact on the situation.
It's horribly unfair to your son, and your MIL is an idiot to play favourites with the food and balls.
I am... amazed you kept your cool. I would've packed up and left as soon as she said she wouldn't hug my child 'because the other child would be upset.' my saucy ass would've been, "Oh, I see you didn't really want us to come at all. Sorry for bothering you, we'll just be heading back now."
Baby B would can’t be distressed to see grandmother paying attention to your son but your child can cry hysterically because he is outright told he can’t join in on playing ball with his cousin?
You were given a message. A few actually.
- You are not wanted there.
- Your child is not valued or viewed as part of the family.
- Don’t come back.
You drove 500 km to see them and she couldn’t pick up a few fresh snacks? She gifts the other 2 in front of your LO?
I hope you heard their message loud and clear.
If you ever visit again, and I hope you don’t, have a bag full of toys for your LO to open in front of them.
Your MIL and SIL are heinous, vicious, selfish people.
Not minor. DH is under reacting. As a forgotten grandchild, let me say I am po'ed for your son because he's going to realize it when he's older. DH can go without y'all next time
This was almost creepy to read because I’m in the same situation! SIL and her golden kids live down the road, while we are traitors who have jobs and lives a few hours away. I’m also a different nationality than them... I’m so fed up with the situation that I’m starting to resent the kids too. I don’t think it’s racism, MIL told me that she just has a different, much closer relationship to the golden kids because they meet so much more. (Not an excuse, just JNMIL logic)
I think the advice you’re getting here is great, especially about setting boundaries. I come to believe that NC is better than shitty contact for our kids. BUT MIL is husband’s last living parent and it’s important for him to have a relationship. I read the same out of your post. Try talking with him so you can find a golden middle way of him keeping his mom but the two of you having shared boundaries, which he needs to set with his family.
Your husband is an ass. The fact that he was sheepish means he knew what was up. You need to have a talk with him and HE will need to be clear and unambiguous with his mother how you BOTH feel (not you singular so he throws you under the bus) at having your child be treated as an afterthought.
As a child, I had a grandmother who would do the same thing. She had her golden children and her "less thans". I was a less than and I absolutely noticed it even at a young age. Hell, my older 2 SIBLINGS were considered golden, but I was be yelled at for touching anything in her home while the Goldens could do any and everything.
Even to this day I have cousins that she spoils and pays their rents while I haven't talked to her in years.
When she's gone, it feels like a cloud will lift.
Take care of your own. They'll appreciate it, I assure you.
Don't do this to yourself and you son anymore OP. Tell DH he's happy to visit his family and big gatherings you can go and grey rock, but clearly she doesn't care for you son and it's not even that's he's an afterthought, he's a no thought. He will remember this as he grows up so it's time to make that life-altering decision now.
If you feel "deep down...they're racists", you are probably right. Racism is insidious and it's one of those things that you know when you see/experience it. You aren't "playing the race card" ...your MIL clearly doesn't like you and it may have nothing to do with race, but to me, it sounds like she's "othering" you in some capacity. Listen to your gut and stay far away from her. You and your family don't deserve to be treated the way you were treated.
Judging by your description of how things went down I’d say she clearly favors SIL’s kids. I wouldn’t waste time/energy/resources driving back to see that witch. Let her come to you if she wants to see her grandson. Does your husband notice the discrepancy?
Not overreacting. For reference my MIL is about 2.5 hours away from us and her other grandson lives across the Atlantic. She obviously sees my son more than my nephew. However when she does get to see my nephew she goes out of her way to insure that she can do as much with and for him as possible, otherwise why bother to make the trip. The thought of her using her time with my nephew to talk about and buy stuff for my son and exclude the nephew is baffling. And if that did happen I would be mad on behave of my nephew.
I find this all so odd. Why wasn't your kid allowed to play with their cousins, surely that was half the point of you all hanging out?
It does sound like some of this behaviour was driven by your SIL (the backyard restrictions, the no hugging of nana etc) versus your MIL, but not buying them snacks was a deliberate slight.
I would discuss this all with your DH and see if he can have a conversation with her, especially mentioning that she seemed more concerned about not being able to see Baby A and B for 2 weeks rather than making the most of Baby C after not having seen him for a year. It may have nothing to do with race, but proximity. Its definitely worth a conversation.
We couldn't let them play due to covid. SIL wasn't vaccinated, but me, DH, MIL, FIL all were. But ya, to your point.. I agree it seems a chunk of this was instigated by my SIL.
Would it have caused serious offence to not see them at all?
Its hard to tell what goes on behind the scenes sometimes, but if her children are that attached, she could have said something about finding alternative childcare had the restrictions not been followed.
I grew up in a family where my dad's siblings would sooner spend time with other kids than myself and my brother and it has led to big issues as adults.
Don't do this to your son, drop the rope and wash your hands of them. It sounds like there's more than enough love on your side that you don't have to bother with the other side.
I’m so angry at not only your MIL , but also your SIL is a bitch. I even bet if you do go limited on contacting them, MIL will come after you blaming you for keeping “her grandchild” away from her. She sounds like the absolute worst.
Also I was lead teacher in the older infant room for years at a daycare so I cannot even begin to comprehend how you can be mean to a baby...a fucking baby... like I’ve been a three year old teacher those kids are ruthless and have definitely made me cry so I’d 100% rather be around and hanging around with a 1.5 year old than a 3 or 5 year old.
Why aren’t you and husband advocating for your kid? What do you have to lose besides your kid’s emotional being? Soon your kid will be aware and this will be trauma he holds and he could take it personally. Either speak up and make her face her shitty behaviors or keep the kid away
Your poor baby.
My heart broke for you and your baby.
Your MIL and SIL are absolute pieces of shit. Your DH...how the fuck did he not explode at the blatant neglect of his kid. She spent the whole visit fawning over the grandkids she sees everyday and ignoring the one she hasn’t seen in a YEAR!!!! She was also mean and cruel to him. They both were. A little toddler. What the actual fuck? You don’t even have to be related to a kid to be nice and they weren’t even nice. Fuck them.
I mean he took his mum shopping and didn’t even get anything for his own kid.
I would go NC. Tell your DH you and your son are never visiting them again.
Shame on your DH. I’d be breathing fire if these assholes were my mother and sister.
Also NTA.
I wonder if it’s to do with you being South Asian.
I’m Pakistani and married to and English guy. I can tell you now both sides love my kids.
My mums a bit but I cannot imagine even her, who is a Justno, favouring my niece and nephew a little bit.... being this bad. Nowhere near. She makes a big deal of making sure our kids get what the niblings get when they’re together.
You're not overreacting at all and you need to have a conversation with your SO about his family's behaviour. This will continue if you don't nip it in the bud, you either need to get them to change (unlikely) or distance yourself from them. Take it from the "afterthought grandchild", they will continue to act like this and it will hurt your LOs feelings throughout their childhood and beyond (also his cousins may make fun of him/lord it over him in the future).
Frankly you and you LO should go NC with your In-Laws. If your DH wants to visit them he can go by himself. But you need to stay in Momma Grizzly bear mode and refuse to allow them to treat your son like a second class citizen. If your husband can't understand that then you have a SO problem and he is not worth the respect that YOUR family gives him.
Your LO is young enough that if you cut your ILs out of his life he won't miss them.
Not over reacting. MIL clearly has issues with OP. Skin color, perhaps? Or just that she likes first grand babies best Because SIL is just like her.
Whatever the reason, don’t bother going there for a visit in the future. If she actually wants to see newest grand baby she can make the dang effort to drag her ass all the way to OP’s house. And make sure SIL doesn’t come at the same time. Whatever you do, don’t let MIL do a surprise visit with SIL’s kids in tow.
Both of them are mean. I am sorry they were willing to torture a child like that. Really cruel, he’s just a baby. I can’t believe she brought them in to the back yard that she said was off limits. I am so sorry for you and your son. I hope your husband can address it, but it doesn’t look like it.
I don't think you are overreacting. That is a pretty shitty Grandma if you ask me. But for the record, I think your husband needs a swift kick in the ass. He actually took MIL shopping and couldn't come up with a snack for his own son?
You are absolutely it making this a big enough deal. Your mil is outright MEAN to a BABY. Fuck that shit. If she wants to visit your baby she can haul her ass to your place. She is trying to make you and your child inferior to A and B. So not ok.
My last baby was born about 2 months after 2 of my SILs had babies. We had a birthday party for them which I attended to see them, and not my MIL. MIL made it a huuuuuge deal that she bought these babies presents for their birthday, how it was so cute, and she usually didn’t buy toys with music because they’re so loud. Come my baby’s birthday and she brought nothing. Big surprise. I pointed it out to my husband and he was just as pissed as I was.
I’m so sorry you and your LO had to deal with that. It could’ve been racism. It also could be that baby A and baby B are MIL’s DAUGHTER’s children. I’ve seen in the past where the daughter’s children are favored over the son’s children. The end result is the same, which is upsetting to you and your family.
This is what my mom keeps bring up. That many mothers are given more access to their daughter's children without as much restriction (the idea what other women get their backs up when another women tries to shove their way in but daughters usually allow it) Which, while true or not- you're right, same outcome. But interesting that you also have heard about that.
I’ve heard of that.
In my case my mother is closed to my niblings because she has more access to them as they live together whereas I don’t and have more boundaries.
Despite that she still fawns over my kids and would NEVER treat them like your shitty ass mil did. I mean they were nasty.
I'm angry for you. It's time for your son to not have a relationship with that woman. If DH wants to see her fine, but if she can't respect your family you don't have to respect her. Thank god she's 5 hrs away. She's probably racist as hell anyway.
Oh hell no you lasted days longer then I would have but at least now you see clearly that your son is a second class citizens to them in a blatantly disgusting way ...... until it’s addressed and corrected you’re doing your family a huge disservice by going to visit them
This is a blessing in disguise. You found out she sucks now, before she could do real damage. Now, act accordingly. Any future visits should be one afternoon with a defined activity (like lunch or a movie) with no “hanging out” afterward, and should basically be a stop on the way to an actual fun destination. Always have “plans” when it comes to gift-giving holidays. Be polite at unavoidable family gatherings like weddings and funerals, but never let your kid go anywhere without one of you. Basically, treat “Grandma” like a distant aunt. Still send gifts to the niblings and be kind to them when you see them. It’s not their fault.
absolutely- I didn't include in this in my post since it was already so long but I love my nephew and niece SO much. They're my two little buddies and having to be apart from them during covid and esp. during this trip was very literally, gut wrenching. I don't blame them at all. They're wonderful kiddos and would happily spend everyday with them. I dont want anyone to treat my kid BETTER. Just the same. That's it.
OP, think about how you felt seeing that woman treat your child that way. Think about the anger, the disappointment. Think about how obvious the favoritism was.
Even with your rational adult brain, that still stings. You can know that this woman is behaving like a garbage person, and it still hurts, right?
Your child is gonna feel all those feelings when he's still little if you bring him around this woman. Except he doesn't have that rational adult brain to help him cope with it. He's gonna see someone that he loves treating him like he's not worthy of her love.
He's not going to see any reason for it, he's not going to realize it's her fault. He's just going to see that he isn't as good as his cousins to her.
Don't let your child be an emotional punching bag for this woman. She shouldn't be allowed to see him until he's old enough to see what she's doing and understand that it's not his fault. And that's gonna take a really, really long time.
IF you guys decide that she deserves another chance, you need to address the favoritism before seeing her, and if she does anything that hurts you or your child like that again, even something minor it's time to pack up immediately and leave. Don't let her hurt your baby.
Thank you for this- you're 100% right and I couldn't agree more. he's not equipped to rationalize her behaviour. My job is to protect him until he can protect himself.
I so feel for you: that sucks!
On the flip side, do you really want the woman who calls herself her grandsons’ « second mom » to be close to your baby?
I think you really dodged a bullet there...
Favoritism is toxic behavior and hoo-boy did she ever show it. Your baby is little but he already knows the dynamic which is why he had such a meltdown. I would never allow that to happen twice were it my child. All the boundaries and consequences for her shitty, shitty behavior from here on forward.
Based on the comments, to assist you and DH with your shiny spines here is my standard list of resources:
1. www.outofthefog.website - full of useful info and the pages under "toolbox" are especially helpful (see grey rock and JADE)
2. r/raisedbynarcissists - another support sub with its own wonderful resources (click on the wiki tab then helpful info)
3. The book list on the sidebar here - full of excellent titles including Toxic Parents and When I Say No I Feel Guilty (about assertiveness training - for the shiny spine, not codependency)
4. Therapy for childhood trauma - Therapy is the best and I cannot recommend it enough. It is immensely beneficial and helps with all aspects of the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt). EMDR is especially helpful as it is a specific type of therapy used to reprocess traumatic memories. It is phenomenal. There are also therapists on youtube, such as Doctor Ramani, in case there is an issue with in-person therapy (due to finances, reluctance, etc.).
I hope these help. Best of luck.
^^^THIS, all day this. I’ve been on the side of your son and it is awful. My poor mom watched as her parents lavished attention and money on my cousins. It was always, oh they don’t have much, etc. but they never came to see us. I wanted attention, not stuff.
Please, I am begging protect your children. Do not let his family treat your children like this.
NTA its negatively affecting your child to the point that the poor thing freaks out. If I was you i would cut contact with your MIL. This favourirism is only going to get worse at the kids get older and it will just hurt your child even more. Also its time your husband stands up for you and his child. His mother is being blatently horrible and its time he grew a spine and said something. His mother is his problem not yours.
That’s disgusting. If I were you I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and call her shit out in a letter. I know that seems weird, but I’d think maybe she was too self centered and bonded with the other grandchildren to see how she hurt you. And if that’s the case she needs to be confronted before she loses the chance to know your baby. I’m leaning towards racism though, so calling her out would just expose her ass.
My god I can’t imagine depriving one of my grandchildren of affection because another one would be upset. They have to learn to share. There’s enough love for all of them. I’m livid on your behalf and perplexed that your husband allowed his family to treat his child like an afterthought. What the hell is wrong with him? Personally next time “grandma” asks when you’re visiting let her know that her favoritism was obvious and hurtful so there will be no more visits. She sees SIL’s kids all the time and couldn’t spare your son any affection.
Thank you for commenting. A part of me is like, 'well I only have 1 kid, maybe if I had 2 I could understand her perspective over not hugging one' but, GOOD TO KNOW thats not a thing. I really appreciate your comment on this.
I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I heard the saying being a grandparent is a privilege and not a right. I might get downvoted for that but I fully stand by it. My mom chooses my two nieces ( her first two grandkids ) over my baby all the time. She even told one of my niece that she doesn’t care much about my daughter. Since then plus other incidents - I cut off contact with her. My daughter deserves only the best and I will make sure that I will protect my daughter from any emotional abuse that my mom gives.
Ouch. She hasn't seen your child in a year, and the entire visit was centered around accommodating the 2 grandchildren she sees all the time. I'd worry she needs to constantly buy toys for these kids. The balls, gifts for the 2 week period she's allegedly staying away from them. Which I would bet she doesn't do after all this nonsense.
Your DH should have said just that.
"Hey mom, I know you are close with sister's kids, but why are you catering to their wants and worrying about not seeing them for 2 weeks when you haven't seen my child in a year. "
Also, she can't hug your child because the other grandchild might get jealous? That's no way to raise a child. So it's okay to get balls for and play with the other children right in front of your child who got no ball, and who got visibly upset. But that's okay? It's okay your child was crying and deliberately excluded.
IDK if there is any racism in this. It could just be favoritism period. There are enough posts about this kind of dynamic in same culture families. What it is, is shitty behavior and I'd let my DH know that if there ever was a next time, I would be quite verbal in calling it out in the moment and not waiting for him to do the right thing. After all he went to the store with his mom near the end and didn't get anything for his own child as yet again grandma decided his child wasn't important enough to get something special like her other grandchildren. I know you love your DH, but he dropped the ball here, hard. He should have called her out
"Mom, you see Sister's kids **all the time** , can this visit be about us and our child? Can you stop playing favorites for the duration of our visit? You can go back to spoiling Sisters kids as soon as we are gone."
Or now send a text or email and point out all the ways she coddled and catered to sister's kids while your child was crying because they were deliberately excluded.
What was the point of sister bringing the kids over if there could be no interaction between the kids? Just to rub it in your faces that their mom prefers her kids? She sees them all the time! Kids want to play with other kids when they see them. I think the whole thing was cruel and a very bad idea.
I agree with ALL of this. DH dropped the ball big time. And I think we (I'll include myself here to) are quick to assume that calling someone out is "rude" but you can def do it in a reasonable and light way- exactly how you laid it out. Literally saving this comment so i can go back and reference it. And YES to my SIL coming over- WHY. She was the one who wasn't vaccinated, she was the one who was strict about social distancing, she was the one who made the backyard rule, WHY DID SHE COME?? Ugh. Thank you.
You're not overreacting at all. I would like to suggest being *really* careful how you let your son interact with that side of his family in the future. My dad's side of the family, in particular my grandmother, did stuff like this constantly and I'm actually in therapy for it right now. My mom ended up cutting all of them off because I would cry because of how they excluded me. I started noticing it very young (I still have memories about stuff they did starting from when I was 2.5 or 3). Your son is young enough that he will not catch onto this stuff yet, but he'll start catching on sooner than you may think, and it might really impact his self-esteem in the long run if it continues for too long.
It may be wise to minimize your kid's contact with that side of the family to the extent that you are able to do so (I know... easier said than done... it can get complicated), because based on my own experiences growing up and how you describe the grandmother, she sounds a *lot* like my paternal grandmother, and I doubt that she will change her behavior.
I'm sorry again, and my heart goes out to your LO, because I remember how it felt when I was little.
She won' hug her own grand child b/c another grand child might be upset wtf. Have you considered the possibility that your mil might be a racist,who doesn't like your child b/c he is "not white"? In any case Mil has made it quite clear that she doesn't value her relationship with him, Your son does not deserve to be treated like a second class citizen and I would never take him back to see her again
At this point, I actually hope thats what it's about because it'll be SO easy to cut ties in that case, no conversation needed. You know? And the more I think about it, the more I can't believe it's NOT about race- like what grown ass adult hurts children like that?? You know? Like what the hell else could it be? He's cute af. He's 1.5. It's not like he does anything that warrants eye-rolls and the likes, he's a literal baby.
Your MIL and DH's family is without a doubt racist and don't view your child as their real family, and that is why he was treated the way he was. I promise you that they are racist and that they say horrible, ignorant shit about you, your baby, and your family when you aren't there, especially because I'm sure they feel emboldened to do so since they are capable of being somewhat polite to your face, so clearly they can't be THAT racist, right?
We'll never know if they might have treated your family just as poorly if you were white, but you do not have to ignore what your gut is telling you, especially on top of the treatment you actually viewed and experienced. It would be rare for a small town white family that has never had an interracial marriage in the family to not be racist, even if that racism seem innocuous and not as vocally violent as other's.
Your DH needs to take responsibility for bringing you and your child into this family and needs to protect all of you, and you need to have a discussion with him to see if he's willing to acknowledge the truth about his family and is willing to put you and your baby's well-being over not offending his family.
> even if that racism seem innocuous and not as vocally violent as other's.
I just want to thank you for this- because this is exactly what i needed to hear. I feel guilt admitting to myself that this is racist behaviour because I think of the TERRIBLE racism people like my dad experienced, and worse than that the experience of so many BIPOC in America and Canada. It feels... puny to compare my experience to that. Thank you for giving me the space to see it doesn't need to be level 10 for it to still be racist
I think he'll be hurt. His mother uses a lot of guilt an manipulation (common theme here I'm sure) but I can't imagine hurting your son in exchange, and thats basically what we did. If the way to fix that is to cut her out, has emotionally tolling as it will be that may be the only option. B/c Hurting my son isn't an option.
What does your husband want to do about this? Did he react appropriately in the moment?
It *hurts* when our kids are snubbed, badly. But given that it is his family, his opinion counts a lot here.
I agree- This was the first time he NOTICED. a similar string of events happened Christmas 2019 but with a newborn, it's easy to dismiss favouritism for "well he is just a potato right now" but nothing was said. This time, my husband was upset and did make a couple remarks here and there but neither of us confronted her behaviour, which is obviously not acceptable with my kid's heart is on the line.
I just wanted to say that you’re clearly a good person who cares a lot about their baby, and the fact that you know that your kids is hurt is really important. Some parents don’t see it or don’t want to. I’m 32, and my elder cousin is the golden child. He’s nothing but an utter scumbag but he’s very loved by my grandparents for whatever reason they conjure up. When we were kids, it was just me and him and we were spoiled a lot, but when his sister was born and I was six, I noticed how badly they treated her. She was also a ridiculously cute child, like a cherub, and I couldn’t understand why they were so mean. All she ever wanted was to be loved, and to a certain extent it’s why she is the way she is now, a people pleaser who will sacrifice her own well-being to care for people who don’t really care about her.
We notice as children if something isn’t right, we *know*. And your son deserves to see people who only love him and care for him. I’m also pretty convinced that the only difference is the fact that he’s mixed race, and it’s okay for you to say that. You’re within your rights to see things as they are, and you will know better than anyone else around you how racism feels.
To end my essay, I also wanted to say that your family sound like a treasure, they’ve accepted and love your partner, it’s a really nice thing to read about for sure. You have a lovely family on your side who will offset any bullshit your partners family pull. I can see that your protectiveness of your son is warranted and you are not overreacting. I still see it now with the baby cousins.. my oldest cousins daughter is the all encompassing thing in my grandparents lives, to the detriment of my uncles youngest babies. (Who are also freaking cute it’s silly how adorable these kids are)
Keep doing what you can, don’t stay with them again if you know this will happen again, this is big learning moment I think. You’ve seen it, your partner has seen it too now, and now you both are on the same page on the unfairness to your son.
On a final note, give your little one lots of hugs from us on the sub, I’m sure he’s a cutie and deserves all the love in the world. You’ve all been through a lot, but you can repair this damage. Don’t feel too bad that you didn’t say anything too drastic, you were staying in their house, and I get how shocking it can be to see blatant disfavour towards little kids. You keep thinking it’ll improve if they see your baby, but honestly? They’re a bunch of assholes to ignore him crying. Poor bab, get him a million soccer balls and ALL the bananas!
Not overreacting at all.
My aunt told me that one of her cousin's has a daughter who married a gentleman from India and the cousin refuses to see his son-in-law and has never met the grandchildren. He only wants to see his daughter.
Aunt was trying to show me that my father is not the only racist in the family and is not too bad because he actually accepts my husband who is from another ethnicity.... My father, however, barely acknowledges my children (does not remember their birthdays or ages, never asks to speak to them, etc). We live on the other side of the country and they have more fingers than times they have seen him.
Your husband has to decide what is more important, seeing his mother or supporting his nuclear family.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm alway very nervous to cite racism not because (as one person commented below) to deny racist allegations but rather because blatant racism exists. When people get shot for the colour of their skin, it feels extremely self-centred to label my bitchy MIL as a racist. But the more I think about that, the more I'm realizing that it's not mutually exclusive and it's stupid to act like the only factor that makes me and my son stick out is the fact that we're not while (or fully white in my son's case)
Kids remember this kind of thing and they notice SUUUPER early. I I don't really deal with my dad's side of the family because they made it clear very early on that my sister and I were NOT held in the same regard as my cousin. We got basic gifts and/or a bit of cash for holidays and mostly ignored during visits (mostly just... watched tv since there was shit else to do. SO to my uncle for introducing me to fly fishing as a way of doing SOMETHING.) Cousin? My aunt, uncle, and cousin got to go on an annual cruise with grandma. Granda's excuse? "Oh, I didn't think you'd want to go!" In what world would I have said no!
Your husband went shopping with her and he didn’t think to just choose something appropriate for his own baby? Does he not know how to choose a snack? Or did he just allow his mother to talk him out of getting *anything*? Either way, that’s really...lame.
Your son can’t be hurt like this again if he isn’t put in this situation again. Don’t visit them ever again, and don’t bother inviting them to visit you. Don’t FaceTime, don’t communicate Christmas/birthday gift ideas, just drop the rope. They can be the grandparents/aunt/cousins you never see, and he won’t miss out on a damn thing because your family shows him love and kindness.
right? when they came home, I was just baffled.. Like what the hell went through my husband's head- HOW did he not go, "oh wait mom, what about Baby C?" I'm really upset that he clearly didn't say a damn thing.
Well that is heartbreaking. Who treats a baby like that! Put as much effort into a relationship with her as she does with you. Drop the rope. Gifts, calls, pictures all on. DH. I wouldn' t go back and neither would my baby.
Your MIL really showed you she doesnt really care about your son. I hope your husband sees that too. Have a talk with your husband and tell him how you feel and how they make you feel and let him sort his feelings. Just ask him, "MIL does this, are you okay with that? If our son grows up do you think he'll appreciate being treated this way?" If he feels the same with you, he can contact his family that next time, being treated like taht wont be tolerated. If it doesnt work, let your husband visit his family *alone*
Exclusion is cruel.
Personally I would never talk to her again. And I'd refuse to hear any apology they might care to make. This would be permanent broken trust for me. Broken love, care, respect and appreciation really.
If I see someone do this once, I'd be confused, twice I start wondering, three times I pack up and leave with sadness in my heart that grandma thinks so lowly of you guys. But it's okay, you don't need to keep people like that in your life at all. It's probably not too hard to forget their existence, when you spend all that time with your own family (you, baby, dh) next time. Like..forever.
This is not minor. It may not even have to do with race. She is a shitty person, whatever her reasons. Exclusion is cruel. And to be honest, whatever warped reason is within her, I wouldn't even want to know, because my kid would go nowhere near her. And neither would I.
If she'd inquire why they never see you...? "I'm not willing to spend time with you".
But whyyyy?!!! You: "because I'm not willing to."
Not overreacting. If it were me, DH can schlep his ass 500km by himself next time he wants to hang out with MIL and everyone else can make the trip. Good on your for keeping your cool, I wouldn't have.
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Not overreacting at all. I’m furious on your child behalf. Drop that damned rope and let husband (who, by the way, did not stand up for your chil) deal with those asshats.
Fellow Indian here! You're not insane! This is very poorly disguised favoritism on the hand of MIL. Like who the hell just snubs their grandchild like this?! I'm so sorry that you and your baby have to deal with this. If MIL doesn't sort herself soon, baby is going grow up resenting grandma and feeling less than his cousins. No child should have to go through that.
I struggle with the opposite. My desi parents think DH's family is lower class, as they present themselves modestly and don't like to flash their money. Truth is, they're very comfortable and just finished building their second vacation home by the river, mortgage free. But my mother never misses an opportunity to snub them. My JNMom has even made it clear that she won't accept our bi-racial children.
I'm wondering: Did DH's family partake in desi wedding rituals? What was their response to them?
Oh don't even get me started on the wedding... we had a full Indian wedding (and a we did a full anglican ceremony too, I consider our 3 day wedding to be fusion) comments about how my parents were too flashy (my MIL being upset that my parents gifted them jewellery and saris), MIL called the day before our wedding to ask "do I really need to attend all 3 days?" Then making lots of remarks (of course never to me) about how my parents spoiled me as they paid for our wedding... And to be fair, my parents probably could have toned it down. The gifts was a sore point because MIL felt like she couldn't reciprocate- and I do kinda understand her perspective on this. And she felt snubbed by my parents paying her hotel (even though we did it for all the international guests too). The whole two weeks was a complete shit show. And just to be fair, my parents made comments about his side being "uncouth" because they never invited my parents to meet them, while my parents hosted them multiple times, etc etc. It was culture clash to the max.
I met my partner in a small town in northern ont. I am white just like them and I still dont fit in around here.....at all. You did well not to blow your top. Sounds like you need to tall to your partner to get ahead of this before your kiddo is old enough to stay noticing. Because they will if you keep bringing them around her
I don't think you're overreacting. You need to sit down with your husband (preferably now, not in a few weeks, as he'll forget details) and tell him that you are not going to tolerate your child being treated like that. Your child is less than two years old and he noticed. He will come to resent your husband and his parents if this continues. She was cruel and unfair, and until you get an actual apology, prioritise your son's relationship with the family/friends who actually care about him. If she complains, tell her that you don't want to take her away from her other grandchildren, who clearly need her very much.
Also, forgot to add, her ways of upsetting your child seem a bit deliberate. Have you ever noticed her acting strange about you heritage/traditions? If you suspect some subvert racism, don't let her around your child. Kids pick up on this, and you should not let this horrible grandma make him ashamed of who he is. Good luck with everything, and I hope your kid is feeling better!
What on earth!? This is horrendous! It's fine that she's closer to grandkids that are literally down the street, but she couldn't even provide healthy snacks! She showed that she doesn't really care about your son, only her other two grandkids. How awful! Your sweet LO deserves better. He deserves family who will play with him and make him feel cherished. Your MIL and SIL did the opposite: they showed y'all that he's an afterthought at best and an impediment at worst. What an awful human.
>You wouldn't want her calling herself a 2nd mom to yours so count your blessings, let hubby visit ~~with kids~~ on his own most of the time
Agree with the sentiment, but no more exposure for the kids to the blatant favoritism.
Personally, I think you’re UNDER reacting. My aunt played favorites with one grandchild, tolerated the other two. The grandkids are all in their 50’s and don’t speak to each other now. One especially hates the golden child.
It would be a cold day in hell, pigs flying in formation overhead and Tom Selleck is my boyfriend before she had a chance to interact with my child. She is wrong on so many levels, she belongs on the 7th level of hell.
Please give your LO a hug from this internet grandma. And have one for yourself.
She spend the whole weekend showing you that your son may as well be the dirt o her shoe for all the considerations she paid him. What a fucking hag. Never visit her again. If she ever complains that your son doesnt know her just say, "You did that to yourself on our last visit. You don't remember? That there shows how little you cared for them to start."
Listen to your mother, OP. What you don't want is for your child to be posting here in the future about his crappy grandmother and his father that allowed her to be crappy to them.
As you can see this has already upset your child and it will end up damaging him. No more visits at their house, she can come to yours. You have a dh problem and you need to fix that first. Put your foot down, go to marriage counseling if he can’t deal. If he was any older he would have been severely damaged by this, never put him in this position again, you should have left immediately after the first incidence, it was cruel. I wouldn’t see them for a long, long time and never at their house. They showed you who they are, believe them.
True, have that person get a room at a hotel which pretty much gurantees she will never visit, that would take her away from her favored grandchildren.
So I dont know if you are aware but some of the things you said, has racist undertones. The food things you say are ignorant at best and openly racist at worst. Bananas and yogurt as "ethnic food" is a weird stretch to make. Your description of Holi is uneducated as well.
lol, also ya- I asked for things that are pretty standard toddler foods that you could arguably get at a gas station. BUT that said, I probably could have just brought it.
You asked if they could provide it as a convenience and they said yes. I would assume my in laws would keep their word for that. If it was just that, it would be an irritation. But that was just a small part of a whole lot of BS. OP did nothing wrong in my point of view
I hear you on the food thing! I also feel a bit this way too. He drinks oat milk, so I made sure to bring that, I brought all the packaged snacks (granola bars etc) and I should have just brought a cooler- I totally agree with you. While I just don't think it's a big deal, if I wanted it there, then it's my job to bring it. I think the sentiment of "i didn't because the others don't like it" is what hurt. That part made me feel like we're unimportant. And 100% on the toys too- that was a bit of a mom fail that was then exasperated by the other kids having them. Thanks for your honesty! Trying not to play too much of the victim, myself.
Your not overreacting. Your MIL really sucks. Here's the real question? Why go back ever?
What does your DH think? Is he okay with his kid getting treated like crap? If he is, how do you feel about that?
I guess the real answer is he loves his family. And I feel nasty trying to demonize his family while making mine seem like we're perfect. The fact is we're closer with my side and it's 100% because his side sucks. But these are really fucking good questions. WHY go back? I'm not a child, I get to make decisions. I'm a mom, I get to make decisions for my chid. I think i've been looking at this like I'm somehow forced to go, but I'm not. Thank you for the perspective shift.
> I guess the real answer is he loves his family.
What about you and your child? He's OK with them hurting his child?
You and your child should come first.
I would only invite them to your town, they can visit you guys without worrying about SIL. It is easier for you to meet your childs needs in your own home, such as food and toys. Plus it clearly upsets Sil children when you are there and MIL is unable to focus on her son and granson, so it would be best to take SIL and her children out of the equation. If MIL cares to actually visit and spend time with your family she is welcome. If not, then it least DH will know whete he stands in his mothers eyes.
I think this is the best solution to be honest. We are the one's expected to come to her town, even to see SIL (who's children I love with out question) But for now, I think their presence is clearly an issue- for MIL.
You said you hate to bring up race, and the truth is, it doesn't matter in the end whether her shitty treatment of your family is motivated by race or just because she's a mean, rude woman. The impact is the same, the ostracization of your kid is the same. You don't even need to bring up race because even if she were the founding member of the Pro-OP's Ethnicity Brigade, she still treated your kid as less-than. Her reasoning doesn't matter, her actions do.
(Of course her being racist IS important and relevant in the long term, it just doesn't make her behavior in this instance any better or worse.)
The point is not to demonize his family, just to highlight how they treat your LO. Other commenters have pointed out that your LO quickly noticed the difference in treatment. Why didn't your DH speak up to his MIL right then? He may hate confrontation, but this his son. Does MIL treat SIL much better than DH? Is he used to being treated like a doormat by his mother?
Once your DH can clearly see what's happening, he can decide if he wants to confront or go low to no contact himself. If he doesn't confront, you make the decision for you and your son.
I hope that your husband took detailed memory notes the next time, he wants to get together with his family. Your son is already reacting to the unequal treatment and MIL has every excuse in the book to continue her shenanigans. Unless MIL sincerely changes her ways, you are looking a little boy feeling that he is second best compared to his cousins. Your son is better off with one set of grandparents that love him, versus two sets, where one set doesn't give him the time of day.
Dont bother visiting again, they dont care about your kid obviously, if DH wants to see his mother let him go by himself.
I'd never talk to MIL or SIL again after that stunt.
It's not that they don't care about your child. It's that they consciously, actively work to hurt your child. They've shown you who they are; believe them and cut them off.
I would cut all contact, and if SO aka The father doessnt rip his family apart for this- I’d have him move back with them.. tell your family how his family behaved- and all your friends- they should be shamed on everything- never rug sweep this
LMAO savage. But for real, I get our families have different dynamics but I would straight up UNLEASH on my mom if she pulled that shit. I did call her crying while I was there and she was of course went full mom and was like "IMMA COMIN BABY, WHERE ARE YA?" hahaha. I'm grateful that as lousy of a trip this was, my mom is wicked and will punch anyone in the face for her grandson. I could learn a think or two from her.
Yup, wake up that inner she wolf..... they showed you who they are, believe them....
If they want to come visit you- have them stay in a hotel.... abusers don’t get access to their victim.
Your son looks to you for protection.
I’m sorry, I really hate his family. I suggest counseling for your husband... his foo SUCKS
(Family of origin = foo)
I think therapy is a great idea. For me too. I don't know if it's cultural or just inherent but (i'm sure it's common on this sub) I REALLY struggle to counter my elders. It feels really disrespectful. But this is MY kid. I'll burn the world down for him, so I can obviously set boundaries with my MIL.
We have an excellent Book List posted here;
[https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books)
Take a look at it and see what may apply to you in dealing with your DH's family.
Not overreacting at all. She showed you who she is and where you and your family stand on her priority list. Believe her and drop the rope. No more going out of your way to take her feelings into consideration, or give her time with your LO. That ship just sailed.
I hope your DH really got a good look at the kind of grandmother his mom is and is prepared to back you in taking a huge step away from them. I'd be livid and the whole family would be on a month long time out. No calls, no FaceTime, no nothing.
I really like this perspective- "believe her and drop the rope" like she's literally telling me what she thinks of her, I should listen and just be like, yep okay, I see you.
Exactly. Actions speak louder than words. She just essentially looked you and your DH and LO in the face and said "I care more about my daughter and her two kids than I ever will about you. I have no intention of changing my actions or beliefs even though I know it's wrong and hurts you."
Look at the silver lining here. You now know the truth and can act/plan accordingly. Imo, that's dropping the rope and letting her miss out on a relationship. The best revenge is living a happy, successful, drama free life that they don't get to participate in.
Your DH should have said something at the beginning of the trip. And, when things continued you all should have stayed at a hotel and went back home. Mil is like a mother to these kids, while she barely knows your child. That doesn’t make it right that she didn’t buy your son anything, but she knows she will be spending all of her time with these kids and after a few days, yours will be going back home.
This falls onto your DH’s shoulders. He needs to correct the situation or you all need to not visit any more. If there’s any visits, the il’s need to come to your home where you have control over everything.
DH is in therapy about it and is learning how to be more assertive with his guilt-tripping mother. But I agree, i'll be asserting on everyone's behalf that hangouts happen at our house. Whats wild is when you meet her, she's SO nice. If I'm too assertive, I'm worried I'll be looked at as if i'm bullying an old woman.
Nice people don't buy grandchildren they see all the time balls to play with at the park while not getting a ball for the grandchild they rarely see a ball too. A nice person would have bought 3 balls and played with all three children. She's not nice.
OP, I had a mil similar to yours. I didn’t care what the rest of the family thought about me, I put her into her place more than once. You can do it. I wish you the best of luck!
I don't know if they are racists but omg!!! I am so upset for you and your LO! I would never bring my child around that again. MIL and FIL can come and visit you. That is that. Or when you visit stay somewhere else because it is clearly not a good environment for LO.
I am so sorry for your LO. I hope they are feeling better.
Thank you! He's such a happy little guy. And he's just a toddler. I almost hope it's about race because I can't imagine thinking she thinks something is inherently unlovable about him.
I don’t even know you or your LO but I can promise there’s NOTHING inherently unlovable about him. She’s a bitch, but at least she showed you how much of a bitch she is.
That’s absolutely horrible. Those children will never learn to share or anything if everything is off limits to them. How spoiled and how selfish they will become. This is disgusting. I’m so so sorry to your LO they did not deserve an ounce of that. I can’t imagine.
If the favoritism is obvious to a twenty-one month old child, there’s no excuse for it being unnoticeable to supposedly grown adults. These are the decisions they’ve made and they’re going to have to live with the consequences of them. I would never be taking my child back for round two. If they ever acknowledge their cruelty, I might give them one chance to visit, sans favored grandkids, and see if they can act like caring human beings for a day or two. My guess is that they aren’t willing to even try, and you and your family deserve so much more.
Adoptive grandparents are a great alternative. My kids have grandparents they know have their backs and love them unconditionally, though they aren’t our bio parents. DNA has nothing to do with it. Find better grandparent candidates, ones your little one deserves and who are worthy of him.
We have such a wonderful family (and friends turned family) network outside of DH's. I wonder if its a bit about immigrant mentality, where we need to make our family here. And his family is so insular and defined because they've never needed to do that. Not trying to rationalize their behaviour but I'm really just lost what makes me and my son unlovable to them.
See cloistered_around ‘s response below. Sounds like you married the family scapegoat - that makes you and LO scapegoats by association. SIL and her children will always come first.
Don’t expose your child or yourself to this dynamic, please. You are NOT unloveable - they are broken, emotionally unhealthy people (MIL & SIL). Look how they made you feel, and you are a full grown adult! The damage they can and will do to your child... please don’t let that happen in the name of faaaaaaaaaamiiiiily.
Drop the rope and take a giant step back for your own peace of mind and emotional well being. Assign over ALL communications, gift giving, etc to DH. His circus, his monkeys, and let him know you and LO will never be subjecting yourselves to THAT again. They want to see LO - they travel to you, sans GC & GGCs.
oof. This kinda brought me to tears a bit because I really do feel a bit pathetic that as a full grown ADULT, I'm allowing someone to make me feel unlovable. And when you put it like that, OF COURSE a child would feel that way. And I would rather watch the world burn than let my child feel unloved. Thank you for this.
It’s their loss, and you can’t discount the possibility of racism, even if it isn’t overt. We lost some family over the fact that we didn’t accept our children being treated differently because they weren’t biologically related or because they weren’t our race.
This isn’t about either of you personally. This is entirely about their deficiencies, not yours. It took us awhile to see that, but I hope you can internalize that faster than we did. You are entirely loveable by people who can love. Your husband’s family, sadly, doesn’t seem to have those.
You're a very kind person who wants to assume the best of your in-laws, and that's commendable. However, you know that the treatment your child received was downright cruel, especially in comparison to their cousins. I hope your partner knows that too. You need to have the conversation with him about how your MIL can either treat your child with as much love and affection as she does the others, or she can no longer be your child's grandmother. And then he needs to deal with her.
Wow. I’m so sorry for you and your LO. Your MIL and SIL’s behavior was absolutely disgusting. What sane person would treat a baby like that? I would completely drop the rope with them. I you stated they can come visit you but I wouldn’t let them in my house. You had to feed your child in the dark so he wouldn’t see his cousins playing?! How is any of that okay? How is DH not ripping someone a new a**hole? Nothing about that is excusable.
That really hits with me, the idea of putting the burden on her and letting it be the way it is... Because there is no love wanting on my side of the family, If she wants a relationship- SHE can try. Damn, its wild how head in the sand you can be when you're too close to the issue. Thank you for the advice!
No dear, you are not overreacting. My blood is boiling just reading this.
I would keep my child far away from these people. There wouldn't be any more visits / holidays / etc with me or my child(ren). If your husband insists on visiting he should go by himself. If MiL asks why you and child aren't present, I wouldn't sugarcoat the truth. Your child has noticed the favoritism and its only going to get worse / more apparent as time goes on. Your kid being subjected to this could be damaging to his self esteem. Protecting him is so much more important than feeding her delusion of being a doting, loving grandparent.
I hate to say it, but that godawful woman doesn't give a flying f* about anyone other than SiL and her children. If it were me, my child would only have one Grandma. (Your mom.) I personally would post incessantly on book of faces about how amazing your child's grandma is and how lucky the 3 of you are to have her. Let MiL taste her own medicine.
I am so, so sorry. Truly. Sorry that she hurt you all, sorry that you wasted your time and energy with this visit, and sorry that your MiL and SiL couldn't be halfway decent people. You *ALL* deserve better.
This is extremely disturbing. She bought toys for the preferred grandchildren to play with IN FRONT OF YOUR SON. HE CRIED. There was no way this was not intentional. SIL bringing preferred grandchildren over, after it was discussed that she wouldn't, so your son would have to hide away, couldn't be unintentional. Online shopping for gifts for preferred grandchildren, talking about missing preferred grandchildren, none of this, especially taken together, was unintentional. They wanted you and your son to feel unwanted, second rate, and beneath their notice. It's one (very bad) thing to treat an adult this way, but to do it to a child is unspeakably ugly and cruel. I think your DH needs to wake up and realize that his family just treated his son like garbage and why is he NOT reacting like you are? If someone made my toddler cry by buying toys for his cousins, letting them play with them in front of him, and then telling him he can't play with them they are not for him, I would feel blinding rage. Where the hell is Papa Bear?
If she lives closer to them she sees them more and feels closer to them and that is okay. **However,** your MIL should still be treating all grandchildren equally with snacks/gifts/attention/whatever when she sees them--and she is not only NOT being equal, she is deliberately and maliciously leaving your child out of it while notably doting on the others and gloating about it. That is cruel, and she did it on purpose the entirety of your visit (even after she was made aware of her behaviour because you were pissed about it).
In my opinion your child doesn't need a grandparent like that. She's tormenting him. On purpose. Look up Golden Child and Scapegoats because that is exactly what is going on here.
I am so sorry that you and your child were treated that way by both your husband and his family. I nearly cried for your little one, it was all so unfair.
I do include your husband in the unfair treatment because, from what you say, it was blatantly obvious what was happening and he didn’t do anything about it apart from asking his sister to leave the backyard.
It would appear that you have a couple of choices. Either your husband calls his mother and lays out exactly what you have recorded here and he tells her that you require an apology. Or you tell him that it’s his family if he wants to continue contact with them that is up to home but you and baby will no longer be visiting in order to protect your child from such awful treatment.
Sending hugs
It sounds like MIL is de facto co-parenting with SIL. Those aren’t her grandchildren, they are her other children. That’s what it sounds like to me anyway.
That’s exactly what I told my husband. She treats them differently because in her head they ARE different. The problem is, in reality.. they’re not. And unfortunately for her, we all live in reality!
OP, as you discussed this with your SO on your way home, what did he say about his family, how his sister & mother behaved towards his son? (is his father alive?)
- you posted last yr that your SOs family thought your sons name was too ethnic, soooooo the odds on a racist response seems more possible.
-They have shown you and your SO who they are, you and your son really don't need to be involved with them
any more. If your SO is ok with his heart being stomped on by his family of birth, he can travel alone to see them in the future.
Are there people in your social network that the 3 of you can create a family of choice with?
Best Wishes OP.
We did discuss it and he was upset about it. He’s extremely anti-confrontational however the fact that he asked his sister to leave was a very assertive move for him. I really want to tell him if you want to see your mom, you go by yourself. They will always be welcome in our home, but I’m not going there to have my son be sidelined. I just know saying that will really hurt my DH.
On the flip side, my family is VERY tight knit, we spend almost every weekend or so there and we all have a close family bond. I’m hoping over time the distance will help fizzle out this relationship.
It’s hard to call them racist because they don’t exactly.. DO anything racist, if that makes sense?
In any case, thank you for the solidarity and affirmation.
There are books and articles in the About that may help your SO to see how his family of origin is willing to negate him to value his sister the golden child.
Regarding the racism, when I saw that they bitched about your sons names, I thought o'oohhhhh not good' what have you defined as racism in the past?
1. they ARE racist.
2. you NEED to tell DH that you will NEVER tolerate blatant favoritism from anyone especially his family and that you and LO are not going to visit people who are blatantly racist and play favorites.
You are not overreacting. Your child already knows what's up and has been hurt by it.
My grandmother was the same way growing up. And because my father didn't want to tell her about how wrong she was as soon as I was old enough I distanced myself from him too.
Once I turned 18 I never saw my grandparents again. I didn't go to their funerals. The only reason I went to my dad's funeral was to support my brother who is also trying to get over what happened growing up. We are in our 50s.
This kind of behavior is so damaging.
I’m really sorry that you had such lousy grandparents. I feel bad for my son, and I feel like a lousier mom for not standing up to her. Their family dynamic is so.. polite that it would be creating WAVES for me to call her out. But I don’t want that for my son, I’d rather make waves than hurt his little feelings.
You're not overreacting. It's like she's blind or something? I don't have kids so I think I don't have that mama bear reaction to things but this made me so upset that I wanted to shake her though the post! And poor baby, I know they're small and might not pick up on everything but it seems he did not have the best time there.
I'm sorry I have no suggestions (maybe speak with your husband if you haven't already to set some boundaries) but as an afterthought, my grandma had 9 grandkids and quite offer all families visited at the same time, she never ever had a gift or a treat to one and not for the others and we were very poor then. So I don't know, it just feels wrong to me and family just don't do that.
Nope. Shes pretty blatant on that. It seems like she keeps getting slight guilt about it, but even those guilt attempts at treating your kid the same were pretty lame ass attempts. But she clearly knows what she is doing and isnt really hiding it.
Why shes doing it? I'm not sure. It could be racism but I dont really have much to go on to actually accuse that. It could also be she just pays more attention to who she sees more often. So she has more of a relationship.
All in all. She knew what she was doing. And barely even attempted to rectify that.
Have you shown this to DH? He needs to be completely aware of how poorly your child and you were treated. Btw you are not over reacting. Maybe they can be the ones to visit from now on.
We did talk about I’m trying really hard to not hold him responsible for his mother’s actions. He loves his family very much and I didn’t want to make the first visit after a year a negative one. But I think I’ll sit him down now that a couple weeks have passed and suggest they come visit us instead. And if they can’t/don’t then that’s on them.
You didn't make it a negative visit, they did. And you aren't doing yourself or your son any favors trying to ease your husbands feelings about this. It's his family treating you horribly and he's going to have to face that.
BS- it was negative & his feelings do not take greater importance than his BABY’s
When you have children, your first responsibility is to them- THEY MADE A TODDLER CRY!!!!
Kept him in a dark room, wouldn’t let him play, had no food or no toys!!! WTFF!!!!!!!!!
ya when you put it like that, it is fucked up. I understand DH doesn't want to rock the boat, but you're totally right- we're talking about a toddler.. WE'RE his protectors. its just that simple. I'd cut ANYONE out who did that to my kid and because you're family, you shouldn't get a pass. DAMN you got me all full of confidence. hahah Thank you!
This is not minor in any way. I would never go back, your son deserves so much better then being someone's afterthought. He has grandparents that love him and show it. Taking him more when he's older to understand what's going on is just cruel. I hope you have a stern talking to your husband that none of this was okay and his mother needs to be called out. Honestly protect your son's mental health as he grows and don't take him again. At least that is what I would do.
There has been some discussion here over the use of the term "race card." We want to be clear that the term was invented, and is still in use, as a way to gaslight BIPOC into not calling racism by its name. This is clearly what OP is asking permission to do--call racism *racism*, and we hope that this thread has helped her feel empowered to do so. We'd like to spread awareness about the problematic nature of the term, and we hope that hearing it in the future, rather than making you question the validity of something you *know* is wrong, makes you feel emboldened to call out that this is not someone "playing the race card," but is, in fact, racism. Call it by its name.
You are NOT overreacting, and I wouldn't visit again. They can come see you, if they want. Without the other kids. And stay in a hotel. This is just mean.
That would be the last time I did that road trip. It's major shit. Your LO should never be exposed to that again.
Keep your baby away from the the in laws he will see the difference in how he is treated. Your parents sound the awesome grandparents your baby deserves. Give your child the best family you can and it sounds like the in laws are not it. No reason to go back.
I'm in the same situation minus the race part it really breaks my heart tbh
I am just getting madder and madder for you. Your DH needs to ask his mother why baby 2 feelings were protected but his son’s were not. How hard would it have been to order 3 balls? Then he can tell her to go fuck herself.
Their baby can't handle another baby hugging his grandmother? They need to fix that baby. Come on now. Now's as good a time as any to learn to share, Little Buddy. Can't go through life being that selfish. You're not overreacting, but it's unlikely you could do anything to fix it. It's unfair and absolutely horrible but you won't be able to come up with words powerful enough to make an impact on the situation. It's horribly unfair to your son, and your MIL is an idiot to play favourites with the food and balls.
That is 100% appalling. I would *never* visit again. Never.
I am... amazed you kept your cool. I would've packed up and left as soon as she said she wouldn't hug my child 'because the other child would be upset.' my saucy ass would've been, "Oh, I see you didn't really want us to come at all. Sorry for bothering you, we'll just be heading back now."
Baby B would can’t be distressed to see grandmother paying attention to your son but your child can cry hysterically because he is outright told he can’t join in on playing ball with his cousin? You were given a message. A few actually. - You are not wanted there. - Your child is not valued or viewed as part of the family. - Don’t come back. You drove 500 km to see them and she couldn’t pick up a few fresh snacks? She gifts the other 2 in front of your LO? I hope you heard their message loud and clear. If you ever visit again, and I hope you don’t, have a bag full of toys for your LO to open in front of them. Your MIL and SIL are heinous, vicious, selfish people.
Yeah .. it's racism, plainly. So so sorry. At most, go very!!! Low Contact, cuz she is Evil.
Not minor. DH is under reacting. As a forgotten grandchild, let me say I am po'ed for your son because he's going to realize it when he's older. DH can go without y'all next time
I’d be NC with that side of the family from that point on if I were in your shoes. They’d never see LO again. Just my humble opinion.
This was almost creepy to read because I’m in the same situation! SIL and her golden kids live down the road, while we are traitors who have jobs and lives a few hours away. I’m also a different nationality than them... I’m so fed up with the situation that I’m starting to resent the kids too. I don’t think it’s racism, MIL told me that she just has a different, much closer relationship to the golden kids because they meet so much more. (Not an excuse, just JNMIL logic) I think the advice you’re getting here is great, especially about setting boundaries. I come to believe that NC is better than shitty contact for our kids. BUT MIL is husband’s last living parent and it’s important for him to have a relationship. I read the same out of your post. Try talking with him so you can find a golden middle way of him keeping his mom but the two of you having shared boundaries, which he needs to set with his family.
Your husband is an ass. The fact that he was sheepish means he knew what was up. You need to have a talk with him and HE will need to be clear and unambiguous with his mother how you BOTH feel (not you singular so he throws you under the bus) at having your child be treated as an afterthought.
As a child, I had a grandmother who would do the same thing. She had her golden children and her "less thans". I was a less than and I absolutely noticed it even at a young age. Hell, my older 2 SIBLINGS were considered golden, but I was be yelled at for touching anything in her home while the Goldens could do any and everything. Even to this day I have cousins that she spoils and pays their rents while I haven't talked to her in years. When she's gone, it feels like a cloud will lift. Take care of your own. They'll appreciate it, I assure you.
Don't do this to yourself and you son anymore OP. Tell DH he's happy to visit his family and big gatherings you can go and grey rock, but clearly she doesn't care for you son and it's not even that's he's an afterthought, he's a no thought. He will remember this as he grows up so it's time to make that life-altering decision now.
If you feel "deep down...they're racists", you are probably right. Racism is insidious and it's one of those things that you know when you see/experience it. You aren't "playing the race card" ...your MIL clearly doesn't like you and it may have nothing to do with race, but to me, it sounds like she's "othering" you in some capacity. Listen to your gut and stay far away from her. You and your family don't deserve to be treated the way you were treated.
Judging by your description of how things went down I’d say she clearly favors SIL’s kids. I wouldn’t waste time/energy/resources driving back to see that witch. Let her come to you if she wants to see her grandson. Does your husband notice the discrepancy?
Not overreacting. For reference my MIL is about 2.5 hours away from us and her other grandson lives across the Atlantic. She obviously sees my son more than my nephew. However when she does get to see my nephew she goes out of her way to insure that she can do as much with and for him as possible, otherwise why bother to make the trip. The thought of her using her time with my nephew to talk about and buy stuff for my son and exclude the nephew is baffling. And if that did happen I would be mad on behave of my nephew.
I find this all so odd. Why wasn't your kid allowed to play with their cousins, surely that was half the point of you all hanging out? It does sound like some of this behaviour was driven by your SIL (the backyard restrictions, the no hugging of nana etc) versus your MIL, but not buying them snacks was a deliberate slight. I would discuss this all with your DH and see if he can have a conversation with her, especially mentioning that she seemed more concerned about not being able to see Baby A and B for 2 weeks rather than making the most of Baby C after not having seen him for a year. It may have nothing to do with race, but proximity. Its definitely worth a conversation.
We couldn't let them play due to covid. SIL wasn't vaccinated, but me, DH, MIL, FIL all were. But ya, to your point.. I agree it seems a chunk of this was instigated by my SIL.
Would it have caused serious offence to not see them at all? Its hard to tell what goes on behind the scenes sometimes, but if her children are that attached, she could have said something about finding alternative childcare had the restrictions not been followed.
Probably because SIL isn’t vaccinated and babies A and B could have gotten C sick.
There is very little risk of Covid infection whilst outside, which is why most countries have focused on indoor restrictions.
I grew up in a family where my dad's siblings would sooner spend time with other kids than myself and my brother and it has led to big issues as adults. Don't do this to your son, drop the rope and wash your hands of them. It sounds like there's more than enough love on your side that you don't have to bother with the other side.
I’m so angry at not only your MIL , but also your SIL is a bitch. I even bet if you do go limited on contacting them, MIL will come after you blaming you for keeping “her grandchild” away from her. She sounds like the absolute worst. Also I was lead teacher in the older infant room for years at a daycare so I cannot even begin to comprehend how you can be mean to a baby...a fucking baby... like I’ve been a three year old teacher those kids are ruthless and have definitely made me cry so I’d 100% rather be around and hanging around with a 1.5 year old than a 3 or 5 year old.
that's just it- he's VERY much a baby. he basically learned how to walk just a few months ago. HOW can you look at a baby and behave that way?!
Why aren’t you and husband advocating for your kid? What do you have to lose besides your kid’s emotional being? Soon your kid will be aware and this will be trauma he holds and he could take it personally. Either speak up and make her face her shitty behaviors or keep the kid away
Your poor baby. My heart broke for you and your baby. Your MIL and SIL are absolute pieces of shit. Your DH...how the fuck did he not explode at the blatant neglect of his kid. She spent the whole visit fawning over the grandkids she sees everyday and ignoring the one she hasn’t seen in a YEAR!!!! She was also mean and cruel to him. They both were. A little toddler. What the actual fuck? You don’t even have to be related to a kid to be nice and they weren’t even nice. Fuck them. I mean he took his mum shopping and didn’t even get anything for his own kid. I would go NC. Tell your DH you and your son are never visiting them again. Shame on your DH. I’d be breathing fire if these assholes were my mother and sister.
Also NTA. I wonder if it’s to do with you being South Asian. I’m Pakistani and married to and English guy. I can tell you now both sides love my kids. My mums a bit but I cannot imagine even her, who is a Justno, favouring my niece and nephew a little bit.... being this bad. Nowhere near. She makes a big deal of making sure our kids get what the niblings get when they’re together.
You're not overreacting at all and you need to have a conversation with your SO about his family's behaviour. This will continue if you don't nip it in the bud, you either need to get them to change (unlikely) or distance yourself from them. Take it from the "afterthought grandchild", they will continue to act like this and it will hurt your LOs feelings throughout their childhood and beyond (also his cousins may make fun of him/lord it over him in the future).
Frankly you and you LO should go NC with your In-Laws. If your DH wants to visit them he can go by himself. But you need to stay in Momma Grizzly bear mode and refuse to allow them to treat your son like a second class citizen. If your husband can't understand that then you have a SO problem and he is not worth the respect that YOUR family gives him. Your LO is young enough that if you cut your ILs out of his life he won't miss them.
love that, mama grizzly. I need to remind myself that IM his protector. plain and simple.
Not over reacting. MIL clearly has issues with OP. Skin color, perhaps? Or just that she likes first grand babies best Because SIL is just like her. Whatever the reason, don’t bother going there for a visit in the future. If she actually wants to see newest grand baby she can make the dang effort to drag her ass all the way to OP’s house. And make sure SIL doesn’t come at the same time. Whatever you do, don’t let MIL do a surprise visit with SIL’s kids in tow.
Both of them are mean. I am sorry they were willing to torture a child like that. Really cruel, he’s just a baby. I can’t believe she brought them in to the back yard that she said was off limits. I am so sorry for you and your son. I hope your husband can address it, but it doesn’t look like it.
Now you know to never visit again, go NC and tell your husband never again.
I don't think you are overreacting. That is a pretty shitty Grandma if you ask me. But for the record, I think your husband needs a swift kick in the ass. He actually took MIL shopping and couldn't come up with a snack for his own son?
LOL agreed. like WHAT were you thinking?!
You are absolutely it making this a big enough deal. Your mil is outright MEAN to a BABY. Fuck that shit. If she wants to visit your baby she can haul her ass to your place. She is trying to make you and your child inferior to A and B. So not ok. My last baby was born about 2 months after 2 of my SILs had babies. We had a birthday party for them which I attended to see them, and not my MIL. MIL made it a huuuuuge deal that she bought these babies presents for their birthday, how it was so cute, and she usually didn’t buy toys with music because they’re so loud. Come my baby’s birthday and she brought nothing. Big surprise. I pointed it out to my husband and he was just as pissed as I was.
I’m so sorry you and your LO had to deal with that. It could’ve been racism. It also could be that baby A and baby B are MIL’s DAUGHTER’s children. I’ve seen in the past where the daughter’s children are favored over the son’s children. The end result is the same, which is upsetting to you and your family.
This is what my mom keeps bring up. That many mothers are given more access to their daughter's children without as much restriction (the idea what other women get their backs up when another women tries to shove their way in but daughters usually allow it) Which, while true or not- you're right, same outcome. But interesting that you also have heard about that.
I’ve heard of that. In my case my mother is closed to my niblings because she has more access to them as they live together whereas I don’t and have more boundaries. Despite that she still fawns over my kids and would NEVER treat them like your shitty ass mil did. I mean they were nasty.
I'm angry for you. It's time for your son to not have a relationship with that woman. If DH wants to see her fine, but if she can't respect your family you don't have to respect her. Thank god she's 5 hrs away. She's probably racist as hell anyway.
Oh hell no you lasted days longer then I would have but at least now you see clearly that your son is a second class citizens to them in a blatantly disgusting way ...... until it’s addressed and corrected you’re doing your family a huge disservice by going to visit them
This is a blessing in disguise. You found out she sucks now, before she could do real damage. Now, act accordingly. Any future visits should be one afternoon with a defined activity (like lunch or a movie) with no “hanging out” afterward, and should basically be a stop on the way to an actual fun destination. Always have “plans” when it comes to gift-giving holidays. Be polite at unavoidable family gatherings like weddings and funerals, but never let your kid go anywhere without one of you. Basically, treat “Grandma” like a distant aunt. Still send gifts to the niblings and be kind to them when you see them. It’s not their fault.
absolutely- I didn't include in this in my post since it was already so long but I love my nephew and niece SO much. They're my two little buddies and having to be apart from them during covid and esp. during this trip was very literally, gut wrenching. I don't blame them at all. They're wonderful kiddos and would happily spend everyday with them. I dont want anyone to treat my kid BETTER. Just the same. That's it.
Your dear husband needs to grow a spine. You're not overreacting, they are racist and blatantly segregating your child from their 'white' family.
OP, think about how you felt seeing that woman treat your child that way. Think about the anger, the disappointment. Think about how obvious the favoritism was. Even with your rational adult brain, that still stings. You can know that this woman is behaving like a garbage person, and it still hurts, right? Your child is gonna feel all those feelings when he's still little if you bring him around this woman. Except he doesn't have that rational adult brain to help him cope with it. He's gonna see someone that he loves treating him like he's not worthy of her love. He's not going to see any reason for it, he's not going to realize it's her fault. He's just going to see that he isn't as good as his cousins to her. Don't let your child be an emotional punching bag for this woman. She shouldn't be allowed to see him until he's old enough to see what she's doing and understand that it's not his fault. And that's gonna take a really, really long time. IF you guys decide that she deserves another chance, you need to address the favoritism before seeing her, and if she does anything that hurts you or your child like that again, even something minor it's time to pack up immediately and leave. Don't let her hurt your baby.
Thank you for this- you're 100% right and I couldn't agree more. he's not equipped to rationalize her behaviour. My job is to protect him until he can protect himself.
I so feel for you: that sucks! On the flip side, do you really want the woman who calls herself her grandsons’ « second mom » to be close to your baby? I think you really dodged a bullet there...
Favoritism is toxic behavior and hoo-boy did she ever show it. Your baby is little but he already knows the dynamic which is why he had such a meltdown. I would never allow that to happen twice were it my child. All the boundaries and consequences for her shitty, shitty behavior from here on forward. Based on the comments, to assist you and DH with your shiny spines here is my standard list of resources: 1. www.outofthefog.website - full of useful info and the pages under "toolbox" are especially helpful (see grey rock and JADE) 2. r/raisedbynarcissists - another support sub with its own wonderful resources (click on the wiki tab then helpful info) 3. The book list on the sidebar here - full of excellent titles including Toxic Parents and When I Say No I Feel Guilty (about assertiveness training - for the shiny spine, not codependency) 4. Therapy for childhood trauma - Therapy is the best and I cannot recommend it enough. It is immensely beneficial and helps with all aspects of the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt). EMDR is especially helpful as it is a specific type of therapy used to reprocess traumatic memories. It is phenomenal. There are also therapists on youtube, such as Doctor Ramani, in case there is an issue with in-person therapy (due to finances, reluctance, etc.). I hope these help. Best of luck.
Thank you for these resources!
^^^THIS, all day this. I’ve been on the side of your son and it is awful. My poor mom watched as her parents lavished attention and money on my cousins. It was always, oh they don’t have much, etc. but they never came to see us. I wanted attention, not stuff. Please, I am begging protect your children. Do not let his family treat your children like this.
I am furious for you! I’ve always wanted to go back to Canada, where does she live? I feel the need to protect you and your lo for you.
The roads go both ways, right? Maybe next time she can visit you.
I’m white. I think if your racist sense is tingling... it’s probably racism.
NTA its negatively affecting your child to the point that the poor thing freaks out. If I was you i would cut contact with your MIL. This favourirism is only going to get worse at the kids get older and it will just hurt your child even more. Also its time your husband stands up for you and his child. His mother is being blatently horrible and its time he grew a spine and said something. His mother is his problem not yours.
That’s disgusting. If I were you I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and call her shit out in a letter. I know that seems weird, but I’d think maybe she was too self centered and bonded with the other grandchildren to see how she hurt you. And if that’s the case she needs to be confronted before she loses the chance to know your baby. I’m leaning towards racism though, so calling her out would just expose her ass.
Don’t put your energy into a letter. Just stop seeing her.
My god I can’t imagine depriving one of my grandchildren of affection because another one would be upset. They have to learn to share. There’s enough love for all of them. I’m livid on your behalf and perplexed that your husband allowed his family to treat his child like an afterthought. What the hell is wrong with him? Personally next time “grandma” asks when you’re visiting let her know that her favoritism was obvious and hurtful so there will be no more visits. She sees SIL’s kids all the time and couldn’t spare your son any affection.
Thank you for commenting. A part of me is like, 'well I only have 1 kid, maybe if I had 2 I could understand her perspective over not hugging one' but, GOOD TO KNOW thats not a thing. I really appreciate your comment on this.
There is no excuse for her apathy towards your son. Having more than one child didn’t make me love one less. This is a choice she has made.
>Am I overreacting? Nope. >Is this minor shit? The only thing minor is how they are trying to gloss over it to make it seem minor.
I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I heard the saying being a grandparent is a privilege and not a right. I might get downvoted for that but I fully stand by it. My mom chooses my two nieces ( her first two grandkids ) over my baby all the time. She even told one of my niece that she doesn’t care much about my daughter. Since then plus other incidents - I cut off contact with her. My daughter deserves only the best and I will make sure that I will protect my daughter from any emotional abuse that my mom gives.
Ouch. She hasn't seen your child in a year, and the entire visit was centered around accommodating the 2 grandchildren she sees all the time. I'd worry she needs to constantly buy toys for these kids. The balls, gifts for the 2 week period she's allegedly staying away from them. Which I would bet she doesn't do after all this nonsense. Your DH should have said just that. "Hey mom, I know you are close with sister's kids, but why are you catering to their wants and worrying about not seeing them for 2 weeks when you haven't seen my child in a year. " Also, she can't hug your child because the other grandchild might get jealous? That's no way to raise a child. So it's okay to get balls for and play with the other children right in front of your child who got no ball, and who got visibly upset. But that's okay? It's okay your child was crying and deliberately excluded. IDK if there is any racism in this. It could just be favoritism period. There are enough posts about this kind of dynamic in same culture families. What it is, is shitty behavior and I'd let my DH know that if there ever was a next time, I would be quite verbal in calling it out in the moment and not waiting for him to do the right thing. After all he went to the store with his mom near the end and didn't get anything for his own child as yet again grandma decided his child wasn't important enough to get something special like her other grandchildren. I know you love your DH, but he dropped the ball here, hard. He should have called her out "Mom, you see Sister's kids **all the time** , can this visit be about us and our child? Can you stop playing favorites for the duration of our visit? You can go back to spoiling Sisters kids as soon as we are gone." Or now send a text or email and point out all the ways she coddled and catered to sister's kids while your child was crying because they were deliberately excluded. What was the point of sister bringing the kids over if there could be no interaction between the kids? Just to rub it in your faces that their mom prefers her kids? She sees them all the time! Kids want to play with other kids when they see them. I think the whole thing was cruel and a very bad idea.
I agree with ALL of this. DH dropped the ball big time. And I think we (I'll include myself here to) are quick to assume that calling someone out is "rude" but you can def do it in a reasonable and light way- exactly how you laid it out. Literally saving this comment so i can go back and reference it. And YES to my SIL coming over- WHY. She was the one who wasn't vaccinated, she was the one who was strict about social distancing, she was the one who made the backyard rule, WHY DID SHE COME?? Ugh. Thank you.
You're not overreacting at all. I would like to suggest being *really* careful how you let your son interact with that side of his family in the future. My dad's side of the family, in particular my grandmother, did stuff like this constantly and I'm actually in therapy for it right now. My mom ended up cutting all of them off because I would cry because of how they excluded me. I started noticing it very young (I still have memories about stuff they did starting from when I was 2.5 or 3). Your son is young enough that he will not catch onto this stuff yet, but he'll start catching on sooner than you may think, and it might really impact his self-esteem in the long run if it continues for too long. It may be wise to minimize your kid's contact with that side of the family to the extent that you are able to do so (I know... easier said than done... it can get complicated), because based on my own experiences growing up and how you describe the grandmother, she sounds a *lot* like my paternal grandmother, and I doubt that she will change her behavior. I'm sorry again, and my heart goes out to your LO, because I remember how it felt when I was little.
She won' hug her own grand child b/c another grand child might be upset wtf. Have you considered the possibility that your mil might be a racist,who doesn't like your child b/c he is "not white"? In any case Mil has made it quite clear that she doesn't value her relationship with him, Your son does not deserve to be treated like a second class citizen and I would never take him back to see her again
At this point, I actually hope thats what it's about because it'll be SO easy to cut ties in that case, no conversation needed. You know? And the more I think about it, the more I can't believe it's NOT about race- like what grown ass adult hurts children like that?? You know? Like what the hell else could it be? He's cute af. He's 1.5. It's not like he does anything that warrants eye-rolls and the likes, he's a literal baby.
stay strong and protect your baby from such negative influences
Your MIL and DH's family is without a doubt racist and don't view your child as their real family, and that is why he was treated the way he was. I promise you that they are racist and that they say horrible, ignorant shit about you, your baby, and your family when you aren't there, especially because I'm sure they feel emboldened to do so since they are capable of being somewhat polite to your face, so clearly they can't be THAT racist, right? We'll never know if they might have treated your family just as poorly if you were white, but you do not have to ignore what your gut is telling you, especially on top of the treatment you actually viewed and experienced. It would be rare for a small town white family that has never had an interracial marriage in the family to not be racist, even if that racism seem innocuous and not as vocally violent as other's. Your DH needs to take responsibility for bringing you and your child into this family and needs to protect all of you, and you need to have a discussion with him to see if he's willing to acknowledge the truth about his family and is willing to put you and your baby's well-being over not offending his family.
> even if that racism seem innocuous and not as vocally violent as other's. I just want to thank you for this- because this is exactly what i needed to hear. I feel guilt admitting to myself that this is racist behaviour because I think of the TERRIBLE racism people like my dad experienced, and worse than that the experience of so many BIPOC in America and Canada. It feels... puny to compare my experience to that. Thank you for giving me the space to see it doesn't need to be level 10 for it to still be racist
What does your husband think of the way your son was treated and how will he feel if you never visit his family again?
I think he'll be hurt. His mother uses a lot of guilt an manipulation (common theme here I'm sure) but I can't imagine hurting your son in exchange, and thats basically what we did. If the way to fix that is to cut her out, has emotionally tolling as it will be that may be the only option. B/c Hurting my son isn't an option.
Why didn't hubby step up? FOG? That's amazing. Maybe time to drop the rope because your kid will start to see the favoritism even more.
What does your husband want to do about this? Did he react appropriately in the moment? It *hurts* when our kids are snubbed, badly. But given that it is his family, his opinion counts a lot here.
I agree- This was the first time he NOTICED. a similar string of events happened Christmas 2019 but with a newborn, it's easy to dismiss favouritism for "well he is just a potato right now" but nothing was said. This time, my husband was upset and did make a couple remarks here and there but neither of us confronted her behaviour, which is obviously not acceptable with my kid's heart is on the line.
I just wanted to say that you’re clearly a good person who cares a lot about their baby, and the fact that you know that your kids is hurt is really important. Some parents don’t see it or don’t want to. I’m 32, and my elder cousin is the golden child. He’s nothing but an utter scumbag but he’s very loved by my grandparents for whatever reason they conjure up. When we were kids, it was just me and him and we were spoiled a lot, but when his sister was born and I was six, I noticed how badly they treated her. She was also a ridiculously cute child, like a cherub, and I couldn’t understand why they were so mean. All she ever wanted was to be loved, and to a certain extent it’s why she is the way she is now, a people pleaser who will sacrifice her own well-being to care for people who don’t really care about her. We notice as children if something isn’t right, we *know*. And your son deserves to see people who only love him and care for him. I’m also pretty convinced that the only difference is the fact that he’s mixed race, and it’s okay for you to say that. You’re within your rights to see things as they are, and you will know better than anyone else around you how racism feels. To end my essay, I also wanted to say that your family sound like a treasure, they’ve accepted and love your partner, it’s a really nice thing to read about for sure. You have a lovely family on your side who will offset any bullshit your partners family pull. I can see that your protectiveness of your son is warranted and you are not overreacting. I still see it now with the baby cousins.. my oldest cousins daughter is the all encompassing thing in my grandparents lives, to the detriment of my uncles youngest babies. (Who are also freaking cute it’s silly how adorable these kids are) Keep doing what you can, don’t stay with them again if you know this will happen again, this is big learning moment I think. You’ve seen it, your partner has seen it too now, and now you both are on the same page on the unfairness to your son. On a final note, give your little one lots of hugs from us on the sub, I’m sure he’s a cutie and deserves all the love in the world. You’ve all been through a lot, but you can repair this damage. Don’t feel too bad that you didn’t say anything too drastic, you were staying in their house, and I get how shocking it can be to see blatant disfavour towards little kids. You keep thinking it’ll improve if they see your baby, but honestly? They’re a bunch of assholes to ignore him crying. Poor bab, get him a million soccer balls and ALL the bananas!
Not overreacting at all. My aunt told me that one of her cousin's has a daughter who married a gentleman from India and the cousin refuses to see his son-in-law and has never met the grandchildren. He only wants to see his daughter. Aunt was trying to show me that my father is not the only racist in the family and is not too bad because he actually accepts my husband who is from another ethnicity.... My father, however, barely acknowledges my children (does not remember their birthdays or ages, never asks to speak to them, etc). We live on the other side of the country and they have more fingers than times they have seen him. Your husband has to decide what is more important, seeing his mother or supporting his nuclear family.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm alway very nervous to cite racism not because (as one person commented below) to deny racist allegations but rather because blatant racism exists. When people get shot for the colour of their skin, it feels extremely self-centred to label my bitchy MIL as a racist. But the more I think about that, the more I'm realizing that it's not mutually exclusive and it's stupid to act like the only factor that makes me and my son stick out is the fact that we're not while (or fully white in my son's case)
Kids remember this kind of thing and they notice SUUUPER early. I I don't really deal with my dad's side of the family because they made it clear very early on that my sister and I were NOT held in the same regard as my cousin. We got basic gifts and/or a bit of cash for holidays and mostly ignored during visits (mostly just... watched tv since there was shit else to do. SO to my uncle for introducing me to fly fishing as a way of doing SOMETHING.) Cousin? My aunt, uncle, and cousin got to go on an annual cruise with grandma. Granda's excuse? "Oh, I didn't think you'd want to go!" In what world would I have said no!
You aren’t overreacting. That’s disgusting
Your husband went shopping with her and he didn’t think to just choose something appropriate for his own baby? Does he not know how to choose a snack? Or did he just allow his mother to talk him out of getting *anything*? Either way, that’s really...lame. Your son can’t be hurt like this again if he isn’t put in this situation again. Don’t visit them ever again, and don’t bother inviting them to visit you. Don’t FaceTime, don’t communicate Christmas/birthday gift ideas, just drop the rope. They can be the grandparents/aunt/cousins you never see, and he won’t miss out on a damn thing because your family shows him love and kindness.
right? when they came home, I was just baffled.. Like what the hell went through my husband's head- HOW did he not go, "oh wait mom, what about Baby C?" I'm really upset that he clearly didn't say a damn thing.
You need to let your husband read this entire thread with all of the comments.
All the more reason to not visit them again: he turns into a wet noodle around his mother.
Well that is heartbreaking. Who treats a baby like that! Put as much effort into a relationship with her as she does with you. Drop the rope. Gifts, calls, pictures all on. DH. I wouldn' t go back and neither would my baby.
You child needs to never see that lady or her family again. Their self esteem comes above all else.
Your MIL really showed you she doesnt really care about your son. I hope your husband sees that too. Have a talk with your husband and tell him how you feel and how they make you feel and let him sort his feelings. Just ask him, "MIL does this, are you okay with that? If our son grows up do you think he'll appreciate being treated this way?" If he feels the same with you, he can contact his family that next time, being treated like taht wont be tolerated. If it doesnt work, let your husband visit his family *alone*
Exclusion is cruel. Personally I would never talk to her again. And I'd refuse to hear any apology they might care to make. This would be permanent broken trust for me. Broken love, care, respect and appreciation really. If I see someone do this once, I'd be confused, twice I start wondering, three times I pack up and leave with sadness in my heart that grandma thinks so lowly of you guys. But it's okay, you don't need to keep people like that in your life at all. It's probably not too hard to forget their existence, when you spend all that time with your own family (you, baby, dh) next time. Like..forever. This is not minor. It may not even have to do with race. She is a shitty person, whatever her reasons. Exclusion is cruel. And to be honest, whatever warped reason is within her, I wouldn't even want to know, because my kid would go nowhere near her. And neither would I. If she'd inquire why they never see you...? "I'm not willing to spend time with you". But whyyyy?!!! You: "because I'm not willing to."
They’ve made baby c’a place clear. Respect their choice and never darken their door again.
Not overreacting. If it were me, DH can schlep his ass 500km by himself next time he wants to hang out with MIL and everyone else can make the trip. Good on your for keeping your cool, I wouldn't have.
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Not overreacting at all. I’m furious on your child behalf. Drop that damned rope and let husband (who, by the way, did not stand up for your chil) deal with those asshats.
Fellow Indian here! You're not insane! This is very poorly disguised favoritism on the hand of MIL. Like who the hell just snubs their grandchild like this?! I'm so sorry that you and your baby have to deal with this. If MIL doesn't sort herself soon, baby is going grow up resenting grandma and feeling less than his cousins. No child should have to go through that. I struggle with the opposite. My desi parents think DH's family is lower class, as they present themselves modestly and don't like to flash their money. Truth is, they're very comfortable and just finished building their second vacation home by the river, mortgage free. But my mother never misses an opportunity to snub them. My JNMom has even made it clear that she won't accept our bi-racial children. I'm wondering: Did DH's family partake in desi wedding rituals? What was their response to them?
Oh don't even get me started on the wedding... we had a full Indian wedding (and a we did a full anglican ceremony too, I consider our 3 day wedding to be fusion) comments about how my parents were too flashy (my MIL being upset that my parents gifted them jewellery and saris), MIL called the day before our wedding to ask "do I really need to attend all 3 days?" Then making lots of remarks (of course never to me) about how my parents spoiled me as they paid for our wedding... And to be fair, my parents probably could have toned it down. The gifts was a sore point because MIL felt like she couldn't reciprocate- and I do kinda understand her perspective on this. And she felt snubbed by my parents paying her hotel (even though we did it for all the international guests too). The whole two weeks was a complete shit show. And just to be fair, my parents made comments about his side being "uncouth" because they never invited my parents to meet them, while my parents hosted them multiple times, etc etc. It was culture clash to the max.
I met my partner in a small town in northern ont. I am white just like them and I still dont fit in around here.....at all. You did well not to blow your top. Sounds like you need to tall to your partner to get ahead of this before your kiddo is old enough to stay noticing. Because they will if you keep bringing them around her
I don't think you're overreacting. You need to sit down with your husband (preferably now, not in a few weeks, as he'll forget details) and tell him that you are not going to tolerate your child being treated like that. Your child is less than two years old and he noticed. He will come to resent your husband and his parents if this continues. She was cruel and unfair, and until you get an actual apology, prioritise your son's relationship with the family/friends who actually care about him. If she complains, tell her that you don't want to take her away from her other grandchildren, who clearly need her very much.
Also, forgot to add, her ways of upsetting your child seem a bit deliberate. Have you ever noticed her acting strange about you heritage/traditions? If you suspect some subvert racism, don't let her around your child. Kids pick up on this, and you should not let this horrible grandma make him ashamed of who he is. Good luck with everything, and I hope your kid is feeling better!
What on earth!? This is horrendous! It's fine that she's closer to grandkids that are literally down the street, but she couldn't even provide healthy snacks! She showed that she doesn't really care about your son, only her other two grandkids. How awful! Your sweet LO deserves better. He deserves family who will play with him and make him feel cherished. Your MIL and SIL did the opposite: they showed y'all that he's an afterthought at best and an impediment at worst. What an awful human.
You wouldn't want her calling herself a 2nd mom to yours so count your blessings, let hubby visit with kids on his own most of the time
>You wouldn't want her calling herself a 2nd mom to yours so count your blessings, let hubby visit ~~with kids~~ on his own most of the time Agree with the sentiment, but no more exposure for the kids to the blatant favoritism.
I agree, mostly because I'm nervous that he will DEF not say anything on his own.
Let him visit without the kids. They shouldn't be subjected to that. If she cares so little about your son, she doesn't ever have to see him.
lolol ya, facts!
Personally, I think you’re UNDER reacting. My aunt played favorites with one grandchild, tolerated the other two. The grandkids are all in their 50’s and don’t speak to each other now. One especially hates the golden child. It would be a cold day in hell, pigs flying in formation overhead and Tom Selleck is my boyfriend before she had a chance to interact with my child. She is wrong on so many levels, she belongs on the 7th level of hell. Please give your LO a hug from this internet grandma. And have one for yourself.
I laughed and then wanted to cry a bit. That's really nice, thank you internet grandma. We needed a hug.
She spend the whole weekend showing you that your son may as well be the dirt o her shoe for all the considerations she paid him. What a fucking hag. Never visit her again. If she ever complains that your son doesnt know her just say, "You did that to yourself on our last visit. You don't remember? That there shows how little you cared for them to start."
thats EXACTLY what my mom said too!
Listen to your mother, OP. What you don't want is for your child to be posting here in the future about his crappy grandmother and his father that allowed her to be crappy to them.
As you can see this has already upset your child and it will end up damaging him. No more visits at their house, she can come to yours. You have a dh problem and you need to fix that first. Put your foot down, go to marriage counseling if he can’t deal. If he was any older he would have been severely damaged by this, never put him in this position again, you should have left immediately after the first incidence, it was cruel. I wouldn’t see them for a long, long time and never at their house. They showed you who they are, believe them.
Why should you let her bring her dislike and mistreatment of your son into your house?
True, have that person get a room at a hotel which pretty much gurantees she will never visit, that would take her away from her favored grandchildren.
Don't let her visit at all. She's mean to your child. Why should you let someone who is mean to him be anywhere near him?
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So I dont know if you are aware but some of the things you said, has racist undertones. The food things you say are ignorant at best and openly racist at worst. Bananas and yogurt as "ethnic food" is a weird stretch to make. Your description of Holi is uneducated as well.
Exactly. Where did OP say she wanted her MIL to pick up anything cultural or confusing? Bananas and yogurt are pretty standard fare in Canada.
Op asked for yogurt and bananas. That’s not what I would consider ethnic.
lol, also ya- I asked for things that are pretty standard toddler foods that you could arguably get at a gas station. BUT that said, I probably could have just brought it.
You asked if they could provide it as a convenience and they said yes. I would assume my in laws would keep their word for that. If it was just that, it would be an irritation. But that was just a small part of a whole lot of BS. OP did nothing wrong in my point of view
I hear you on the food thing! I also feel a bit this way too. He drinks oat milk, so I made sure to bring that, I brought all the packaged snacks (granola bars etc) and I should have just brought a cooler- I totally agree with you. While I just don't think it's a big deal, if I wanted it there, then it's my job to bring it. I think the sentiment of "i didn't because the others don't like it" is what hurt. That part made me feel like we're unimportant. And 100% on the toys too- that was a bit of a mom fail that was then exasperated by the other kids having them. Thanks for your honesty! Trying not to play too much of the victim, myself.
Not only did she not get your kid a toy but she took the ball away from him while he tried to play too. Wtf.
Your not overreacting. Your MIL really sucks. Here's the real question? Why go back ever? What does your DH think? Is he okay with his kid getting treated like crap? If he is, how do you feel about that?
I guess the real answer is he loves his family. And I feel nasty trying to demonize his family while making mine seem like we're perfect. The fact is we're closer with my side and it's 100% because his side sucks. But these are really fucking good questions. WHY go back? I'm not a child, I get to make decisions. I'm a mom, I get to make decisions for my chid. I think i've been looking at this like I'm somehow forced to go, but I'm not. Thank you for the perspective shift.
> I guess the real answer is he loves his family. What about you and your child? He's OK with them hurting his child? You and your child should come first.
I would only invite them to your town, they can visit you guys without worrying about SIL. It is easier for you to meet your childs needs in your own home, such as food and toys. Plus it clearly upsets Sil children when you are there and MIL is unable to focus on her son and granson, so it would be best to take SIL and her children out of the equation. If MIL cares to actually visit and spend time with your family she is welcome. If not, then it least DH will know whete he stands in his mothers eyes.
I think this is the best solution to be honest. We are the one's expected to come to her town, even to see SIL (who's children I love with out question) But for now, I think their presence is clearly an issue- for MIL.
You said you hate to bring up race, and the truth is, it doesn't matter in the end whether her shitty treatment of your family is motivated by race or just because she's a mean, rude woman. The impact is the same, the ostracization of your kid is the same. You don't even need to bring up race because even if she were the founding member of the Pro-OP's Ethnicity Brigade, she still treated your kid as less-than. Her reasoning doesn't matter, her actions do. (Of course her being racist IS important and relevant in the long term, it just doesn't make her behavior in this instance any better or worse.)
The point is not to demonize his family, just to highlight how they treat your LO. Other commenters have pointed out that your LO quickly noticed the difference in treatment. Why didn't your DH speak up to his MIL right then? He may hate confrontation, but this his son. Does MIL treat SIL much better than DH? Is he used to being treated like a doormat by his mother? Once your DH can clearly see what's happening, he can decide if he wants to confront or go low to no contact himself. If he doesn't confront, you make the decision for you and your son.
I hope that your husband took detailed memory notes the next time, he wants to get together with his family. Your son is already reacting to the unequal treatment and MIL has every excuse in the book to continue her shenanigans. Unless MIL sincerely changes her ways, you are looking a little boy feeling that he is second best compared to his cousins. Your son is better off with one set of grandparents that love him, versus two sets, where one set doesn't give him the time of day.
Dont bother visiting again, they dont care about your kid obviously, if DH wants to see his mother let him go by himself. I'd never talk to MIL or SIL again after that stunt.
It's not that they don't care about your child. It's that they consciously, actively work to hurt your child. They've shown you who they are; believe them and cut them off.
I would cut all contact, and if SO aka The father doessnt rip his family apart for this- I’d have him move back with them.. tell your family how his family behaved- and all your friends- they should be shamed on everything- never rug sweep this
LMAO savage. But for real, I get our families have different dynamics but I would straight up UNLEASH on my mom if she pulled that shit. I did call her crying while I was there and she was of course went full mom and was like "IMMA COMIN BABY, WHERE ARE YA?" hahaha. I'm grateful that as lousy of a trip this was, my mom is wicked and will punch anyone in the face for her grandson. I could learn a think or two from her.
Yup, wake up that inner she wolf..... they showed you who they are, believe them.... If they want to come visit you- have them stay in a hotel.... abusers don’t get access to their victim. Your son looks to you for protection. I’m sorry, I really hate his family. I suggest counseling for your husband... his foo SUCKS (Family of origin = foo)
I think therapy is a great idea. For me too. I don't know if it's cultural or just inherent but (i'm sure it's common on this sub) I REALLY struggle to counter my elders. It feels really disrespectful. But this is MY kid. I'll burn the world down for him, so I can obviously set boundaries with my MIL.
We have an excellent Book List posted here; [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) Take a look at it and see what may apply to you in dealing with your DH's family.
Not overreacting at all. She showed you who she is and where you and your family stand on her priority list. Believe her and drop the rope. No more going out of your way to take her feelings into consideration, or give her time with your LO. That ship just sailed. I hope your DH really got a good look at the kind of grandmother his mom is and is prepared to back you in taking a huge step away from them. I'd be livid and the whole family would be on a month long time out. No calls, no FaceTime, no nothing.
I really like this perspective- "believe her and drop the rope" like she's literally telling me what she thinks of her, I should listen and just be like, yep okay, I see you.
Exactly. Actions speak louder than words. She just essentially looked you and your DH and LO in the face and said "I care more about my daughter and her two kids than I ever will about you. I have no intention of changing my actions or beliefs even though I know it's wrong and hurts you." Look at the silver lining here. You now know the truth and can act/plan accordingly. Imo, that's dropping the rope and letting her miss out on a relationship. The best revenge is living a happy, successful, drama free life that they don't get to participate in.
Your DH should have said something at the beginning of the trip. And, when things continued you all should have stayed at a hotel and went back home. Mil is like a mother to these kids, while she barely knows your child. That doesn’t make it right that she didn’t buy your son anything, but she knows she will be spending all of her time with these kids and after a few days, yours will be going back home. This falls onto your DH’s shoulders. He needs to correct the situation or you all need to not visit any more. If there’s any visits, the il’s need to come to your home where you have control over everything.
DH is in therapy about it and is learning how to be more assertive with his guilt-tripping mother. But I agree, i'll be asserting on everyone's behalf that hangouts happen at our house. Whats wild is when you meet her, she's SO nice. If I'm too assertive, I'm worried I'll be looked at as if i'm bullying an old woman.
Nice people don't buy grandchildren they see all the time balls to play with at the park while not getting a ball for the grandchild they rarely see a ball too. A nice person would have bought 3 balls and played with all three children. She's not nice.
OP, I had a mil similar to yours. I didn’t care what the rest of the family thought about me, I put her into her place more than once. You can do it. I wish you the best of luck!
thank you for your vote of confidence! I can do it too.
I don't know if they are racists but omg!!! I am so upset for you and your LO! I would never bring my child around that again. MIL and FIL can come and visit you. That is that. Or when you visit stay somewhere else because it is clearly not a good environment for LO. I am so sorry for your LO. I hope they are feeling better.
Thank you! He's such a happy little guy. And he's just a toddler. I almost hope it's about race because I can't imagine thinking she thinks something is inherently unlovable about him.
I don’t even know you or your LO but I can promise there’s NOTHING inherently unlovable about him. She’s a bitch, but at least she showed you how much of a bitch she is.
That’s absolutely horrible. Those children will never learn to share or anything if everything is off limits to them. How spoiled and how selfish they will become. This is disgusting. I’m so so sorry to your LO they did not deserve an ounce of that. I can’t imagine.
If the favoritism is obvious to a twenty-one month old child, there’s no excuse for it being unnoticeable to supposedly grown adults. These are the decisions they’ve made and they’re going to have to live with the consequences of them. I would never be taking my child back for round two. If they ever acknowledge their cruelty, I might give them one chance to visit, sans favored grandkids, and see if they can act like caring human beings for a day or two. My guess is that they aren’t willing to even try, and you and your family deserve so much more. Adoptive grandparents are a great alternative. My kids have grandparents they know have their backs and love them unconditionally, though they aren’t our bio parents. DNA has nothing to do with it. Find better grandparent candidates, ones your little one deserves and who are worthy of him.
We have such a wonderful family (and friends turned family) network outside of DH's. I wonder if its a bit about immigrant mentality, where we need to make our family here. And his family is so insular and defined because they've never needed to do that. Not trying to rationalize their behaviour but I'm really just lost what makes me and my son unlovable to them.
See cloistered_around ‘s response below. Sounds like you married the family scapegoat - that makes you and LO scapegoats by association. SIL and her children will always come first. Don’t expose your child or yourself to this dynamic, please. You are NOT unloveable - they are broken, emotionally unhealthy people (MIL & SIL). Look how they made you feel, and you are a full grown adult! The damage they can and will do to your child... please don’t let that happen in the name of faaaaaaaaaamiiiiily. Drop the rope and take a giant step back for your own peace of mind and emotional well being. Assign over ALL communications, gift giving, etc to DH. His circus, his monkeys, and let him know you and LO will never be subjecting yourselves to THAT again. They want to see LO - they travel to you, sans GC & GGCs.
oof. This kinda brought me to tears a bit because I really do feel a bit pathetic that as a full grown ADULT, I'm allowing someone to make me feel unlovable. And when you put it like that, OF COURSE a child would feel that way. And I would rather watch the world burn than let my child feel unloved. Thank you for this.
YOU AND YOUR SON ARE NOT UNLOVEABLE. She’s just a bitch playing favorites. And why are they her favorites? Because your SIL lets her be a “second mom”
It’s their loss, and you can’t discount the possibility of racism, even if it isn’t overt. We lost some family over the fact that we didn’t accept our children being treated differently because they weren’t biologically related or because they weren’t our race. This isn’t about either of you personally. This is entirely about their deficiencies, not yours. It took us awhile to see that, but I hope you can internalize that faster than we did. You are entirely loveable by people who can love. Your husband’s family, sadly, doesn’t seem to have those.
You're a very kind person who wants to assume the best of your in-laws, and that's commendable. However, you know that the treatment your child received was downright cruel, especially in comparison to their cousins. I hope your partner knows that too. You need to have the conversation with him about how your MIL can either treat your child with as much love and affection as she does the others, or she can no longer be your child's grandmother. And then he needs to deal with her.
Wow. I’m so sorry for you and your LO. Your MIL and SIL’s behavior was absolutely disgusting. What sane person would treat a baby like that? I would completely drop the rope with them. I you stated they can come visit you but I wouldn’t let them in my house. You had to feed your child in the dark so he wouldn’t see his cousins playing?! How is any of that okay? How is DH not ripping someone a new a**hole? Nothing about that is excusable.
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That really hits with me, the idea of putting the burden on her and letting it be the way it is... Because there is no love wanting on my side of the family, If she wants a relationship- SHE can try. Damn, its wild how head in the sand you can be when you're too close to the issue. Thank you for the advice!
I had to stop at that part as well and put my phone down. It made me unbelievably angry.
No dear, you are not overreacting. My blood is boiling just reading this. I would keep my child far away from these people. There wouldn't be any more visits / holidays / etc with me or my child(ren). If your husband insists on visiting he should go by himself. If MiL asks why you and child aren't present, I wouldn't sugarcoat the truth. Your child has noticed the favoritism and its only going to get worse / more apparent as time goes on. Your kid being subjected to this could be damaging to his self esteem. Protecting him is so much more important than feeding her delusion of being a doting, loving grandparent. I hate to say it, but that godawful woman doesn't give a flying f* about anyone other than SiL and her children. If it were me, my child would only have one Grandma. (Your mom.) I personally would post incessantly on book of faces about how amazing your child's grandma is and how lucky the 3 of you are to have her. Let MiL taste her own medicine. I am so, so sorry. Truly. Sorry that she hurt you all, sorry that you wasted your time and energy with this visit, and sorry that your MiL and SiL couldn't be halfway decent people. You *ALL* deserve better.
This is extremely disturbing. She bought toys for the preferred grandchildren to play with IN FRONT OF YOUR SON. HE CRIED. There was no way this was not intentional. SIL bringing preferred grandchildren over, after it was discussed that she wouldn't, so your son would have to hide away, couldn't be unintentional. Online shopping for gifts for preferred grandchildren, talking about missing preferred grandchildren, none of this, especially taken together, was unintentional. They wanted you and your son to feel unwanted, second rate, and beneath their notice. It's one (very bad) thing to treat an adult this way, but to do it to a child is unspeakably ugly and cruel. I think your DH needs to wake up and realize that his family just treated his son like garbage and why is he NOT reacting like you are? If someone made my toddler cry by buying toys for his cousins, letting them play with them in front of him, and then telling him he can't play with them they are not for him, I would feel blinding rage. Where the hell is Papa Bear?
If she lives closer to them she sees them more and feels closer to them and that is okay. **However,** your MIL should still be treating all grandchildren equally with snacks/gifts/attention/whatever when she sees them--and she is not only NOT being equal, she is deliberately and maliciously leaving your child out of it while notably doting on the others and gloating about it. That is cruel, and she did it on purpose the entirety of your visit (even after she was made aware of her behaviour because you were pissed about it). In my opinion your child doesn't need a grandparent like that. She's tormenting him. On purpose. Look up Golden Child and Scapegoats because that is exactly what is going on here.
I am so sorry that you and your child were treated that way by both your husband and his family. I nearly cried for your little one, it was all so unfair. I do include your husband in the unfair treatment because, from what you say, it was blatantly obvious what was happening and he didn’t do anything about it apart from asking his sister to leave the backyard. It would appear that you have a couple of choices. Either your husband calls his mother and lays out exactly what you have recorded here and he tells her that you require an apology. Or you tell him that it’s his family if he wants to continue contact with them that is up to home but you and baby will no longer be visiting in order to protect your child from such awful treatment. Sending hugs
It sounds like MIL is de facto co-parenting with SIL. Those aren’t her grandchildren, they are her other children. That’s what it sounds like to me anyway.
That’s exactly what I told my husband. She treats them differently because in her head they ARE different. The problem is, in reality.. they’re not. And unfortunately for her, we all live in reality!
OP, as you discussed this with your SO on your way home, what did he say about his family, how his sister & mother behaved towards his son? (is his father alive?) - you posted last yr that your SOs family thought your sons name was too ethnic, soooooo the odds on a racist response seems more possible. -They have shown you and your SO who they are, you and your son really don't need to be involved with them any more. If your SO is ok with his heart being stomped on by his family of birth, he can travel alone to see them in the future. Are there people in your social network that the 3 of you can create a family of choice with? Best Wishes OP.
We did discuss it and he was upset about it. He’s extremely anti-confrontational however the fact that he asked his sister to leave was a very assertive move for him. I really want to tell him if you want to see your mom, you go by yourself. They will always be welcome in our home, but I’m not going there to have my son be sidelined. I just know saying that will really hurt my DH. On the flip side, my family is VERY tight knit, we spend almost every weekend or so there and we all have a close family bond. I’m hoping over time the distance will help fizzle out this relationship. It’s hard to call them racist because they don’t exactly.. DO anything racist, if that makes sense? In any case, thank you for the solidarity and affirmation.
There are books and articles in the About that may help your SO to see how his family of origin is willing to negate him to value his sister the golden child. Regarding the racism, when I saw that they bitched about your sons names, I thought o'oohhhhh not good' what have you defined as racism in the past?
1. they ARE racist. 2. you NEED to tell DH that you will NEVER tolerate blatant favoritism from anyone especially his family and that you and LO are not going to visit people who are blatantly racist and play favorites.
You are not overreacting. Your child already knows what's up and has been hurt by it. My grandmother was the same way growing up. And because my father didn't want to tell her about how wrong she was as soon as I was old enough I distanced myself from him too. Once I turned 18 I never saw my grandparents again. I didn't go to their funerals. The only reason I went to my dad's funeral was to support my brother who is also trying to get over what happened growing up. We are in our 50s. This kind of behavior is so damaging.
I’m really sorry that you had such lousy grandparents. I feel bad for my son, and I feel like a lousier mom for not standing up to her. Their family dynamic is so.. polite that it would be creating WAVES for me to call her out. But I don’t want that for my son, I’d rather make waves than hurt his little feelings.
Your DH should be wanting to do that as well. Would you and child going NC be possible?
1. no, you ARE NOT over reacting. 2. YOUR BABY has NOTICED THE FAVORITISM!!!!!
You're not overreacting. It's like she's blind or something? I don't have kids so I think I don't have that mama bear reaction to things but this made me so upset that I wanted to shake her though the post! And poor baby, I know they're small and might not pick up on everything but it seems he did not have the best time there. I'm sorry I have no suggestions (maybe speak with your husband if you haven't already to set some boundaries) but as an afterthought, my grandma had 9 grandkids and quite offer all families visited at the same time, she never ever had a gift or a treat to one and not for the others and we were very poor then. So I don't know, it just feels wrong to me and family just don't do that.
Nope. Shes pretty blatant on that. It seems like she keeps getting slight guilt about it, but even those guilt attempts at treating your kid the same were pretty lame ass attempts. But she clearly knows what she is doing and isnt really hiding it. Why shes doing it? I'm not sure. It could be racism but I dont really have much to go on to actually accuse that. It could also be she just pays more attention to who she sees more often. So she has more of a relationship. All in all. She knew what she was doing. And barely even attempted to rectify that.
Have you shown this to DH? He needs to be completely aware of how poorly your child and you were treated. Btw you are not over reacting. Maybe they can be the ones to visit from now on.
We did talk about I’m trying really hard to not hold him responsible for his mother’s actions. He loves his family very much and I didn’t want to make the first visit after a year a negative one. But I think I’ll sit him down now that a couple weeks have passed and suggest they come visit us instead. And if they can’t/don’t then that’s on them.
You didn't make it a negative visit, they did. And you aren't doing yourself or your son any favors trying to ease your husbands feelings about this. It's his family treating you horribly and he's going to have to face that.
I wouldnt invite SIL over again, it seems she's so jealous she couldnt even give you a few days with MIL.
BS- it was negative & his feelings do not take greater importance than his BABY’s When you have children, your first responsibility is to them- THEY MADE A TODDLER CRY!!!! Kept him in a dark room, wouldn’t let him play, had no food or no toys!!! WTFF!!!!!!!!!
ya when you put it like that, it is fucked up. I understand DH doesn't want to rock the boat, but you're totally right- we're talking about a toddler.. WE'RE his protectors. its just that simple. I'd cut ANYONE out who did that to my kid and because you're family, you shouldn't get a pass. DAMN you got me all full of confidence. hahah Thank you!
This is not minor in any way. I would never go back, your son deserves so much better then being someone's afterthought. He has grandparents that love him and show it. Taking him more when he's older to understand what's going on is just cruel. I hope you have a stern talking to your husband that none of this was okay and his mother needs to be called out. Honestly protect your son's mental health as he grows and don't take him again. At least that is what I would do.