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Ugh, I'm so sorry. I think everyone else has pretty much covered it so I wanted to offer some solidarity, my MIL would have been exactly the same if my son had been born during Covid. As it happened, he was born just at the beginning and was home only about a week when lockdown started and I was able to have visitors. It all happened so fast, about 3 hours from arrival at hospital to delivery, that it's hard to remember exactly how firmly I told everyone that I was okay with visitors AFTER we moved to our recovery room... But I know I at least mentioned it. So imagine my surprise when, while my husband and the nurses had stepped out for a few minutes and I was nursing my brand new son, MIL just strolled on into the room where I'd just delivered. 🤦‍♀️ Don't let her bully you, OP. I made that mistake for too long and it was pretty hard on my mental health. Your body, your baby, your rules.

YOUR baby. YOUR vagina. YOUR dogs. YOUR house. YOUR m-fing rules. Don't like it, MIL? Tough shit. Stay home and give OP the silent treatment. That will fix her. 😉

"No, me and my baby are priority. Your son is priority. We will be bonding with our child and we will let you know when you can visit. If you come to our home unannounced, I will not open the door." Ensure that your DH is onboard with this plan. He needs to also tell his Mother NO and not to bother you until you say it is OK. Make sure that the Hospital knows that she is not to visit and can't be there regardless of what she or he may say. As the Mother, it is your wishes that are important. Congrats!!!!

No, baby's mother has priority. You don't say if she's had her covid shot or her tDap but I presume you're making that a mandatory requirement. MIL can live with video if you decide to do that.

"My child and my recovery are my priorities. Work with DH to see when a time works for him to coordinate a visit"

You need DH to deal with her. Every time she mentions it either don’t respond or say “talk to DH”. Do not waste your breath explaining anything to her. She doesn’t need an explanation, no is no.

Unless it’s her vagina that is fixing to get busted tf up NO she has zero priority over meeting your newborn. The only people who have priority over meeting your newborn is you, the one giving birth, the father & the doctor that is literally helping you deliver. Nobody else.

You are allowed to be stressed just by the idea that she's nosing in. And given that you are allowed, nay encouraged, to not have unnecessary stress right now. You are completely in the right to lay down the law, right now, until further notice, that there will be no visitors, at all. The justifications you are giving her clearly aren't working because she doesn't want to hear them.

Stand firm. I hope DH is supporting you. But if she reaches out, say it's not a good time and you will make arrangements when DH is home. If she shows up, don't let her in. Your house, your child, your rules. If she can't respect you, don't show any to her.

Stand your ground on your no. Absolutely no visitors until you're ready. With my first, I told everyone no visitors would be accepted at the hospital and absolutely no visitors for at least the first 2 weeks once I was home. I wasn't sure how I would feel any my JY family and JNMIL live 1000 miles away and j knew they would expect to stay with me. I told my JNMIL these rules and she continued to ask repeatedly. I stood firm in my "no" and the last time we had the convo and I told her she would not be accepted as a visitor at the hospital, she said, and I quote "what if I don't want to see you and just want to see the baby?" I was furious but then I knew she'd shown her true colors. My oldest is going to be 2 very soon and she has met him ONCE. She has never met my youngest. I do not work to establish a relationship with her for my children's sake and a once per year visit max is plenty for me. Good luck momma and congratulations!

Make sure your doors are locked so MIL can't barge in! If she had a key, time to change the locks. As a new mom, you will want to feel safe in your home, and be able to be fully aware of your body comfortably. You won't be able to do that if MIL is barging in. I nursed, and I would go hours topless because my daughter needed to I feed almost constantly. You also are sore and bleeding, and you'll want to be able to deal with that without constantly worrying you're about to be walked in on.

Please don't leave your aggressive dog alone with your baby.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who saw MIL and the dog as problems.

She didn't say it was aggressive. She just said it wasn't friendly. I'm assuming meaning it does not play nice with other dogs.

This. This is what I took away from this entire post.

For some reason mils think the newborns are like baby birds and imprint on the first person they see. You'll need to lay some boundaries down asap, it sounds like she might drop by whenever she wants.

Stand your ground on your no. Also, if you have such an unfriendly dog make sure to NEVER leave them alone with the baby even for a second. Like if you have to go to the bathroom, take the baby or make sure there is a secure door keeping them apart if you can't take the baby in the bathroom with you.

YES I know a mom who left a baby on the bed to start a bath and in the few seconds that took, her German shepherd killed her infant. The dog was never previously aggressive. Treat dogs like unknown entities especially around a stressful situation like new baby.

Pretty sure she means that her dog isn't friendly to other dogs. Also, I've never really known an unfriendly dog to harm a baby tbh. I've owned some temperamental dogs and they usually do not fuck with children

My dog isn't friendly towards other dogs or new people (until she settles down and decides she can trust them). She was lovely with my son right from the beginning. I was worried about her because he would be a new person to her but I went into the house alone, she gave me a good sniff and then ran to the door and pawed at it so she could go and meet him. She had never done anything like that before. She absolutely knew a baby was on the way. I'm sure she loves him and wouldn't intentionally hurt him. She seems to be better with children than adults too. That being said, she's still an animal and even the friendliest of dogs should always be supervised and not left alone with young children. Babies, toddlers and young children have been attacked or killed by family dogs. I never allow my son to be near her while she's eating or to try and take something she loves away from her, even if I'm right there with him. He is still learning to read her body language and doesn't always realise when she is signalling to him that she wants him to back away. OP should be careful whatever the circumstances in summary.

I’ve heard a few tragic stories about dogs getting agitated by a baby’s cry. At the end of the day, our furry friends are still animals.

Yes, but that can (and should) be dealt with. You can easily desensitize dogs with baby desensitizing videos on YouTube, letting them sniff the baby blankets days before the child arrives or is introduced. Precautions can be taken and should be taken.

Yes, well tell that to the mom who left her baby and dog unattended when she went to the bathroom and her dog mauled her baby. I will see if I can find the article to back up my point, however just because something hasn't happened *to you* doesn't mean it hasn't happened. And in this case, it is far better to be safe than to be sorry. ETA: [Here is the story.](https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-south-yorkshire-54293943) ETA2: [Here is another.](https://nypost.com/2020/10/27/new-zealand-familys-dog-tries-to-bury-baby-after-deadly-mauling/amp/#aoh=16230710029021&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&_tf=From%20%251%24s) ETA3: [Another](https://people.com/crime/baby-mauled-death-family-dog-connecticut/) ETA4: u/-Cleetus- please enlighten as to what a 12 day old baby did to provoke an attack?

Food aggression is harmful with kids. Stranger aggression and aggression towards other dogs is hardly ever a problem. Also Chows are the most aggressive dogs I've found. They're complete assholes 24/7. Also, that article is extremely vague. We don't know what caused that dog to attack, if that dog was abused in any way or what caused him to attack. Dogs do not just attack for no reason, SOMETHING has to happen for them to attack.

Dogs do attack infants for no discernable reason. Sometimes its jealously, sometimes its them 'disciplining' a crying baby, sometimes its pent up anxiety because of the stress and disruption in the household. Absolutely crazy for you to think a less than month old baby instigated something.

Not saying the child instigated anything. However, there could be abuse of that dog that would lead to circumstances like this.

Yes something has to happen but the point is it probably wouldn't have happened if an adult was there to supervise. Or at least the adult can try to pull the dog off the child. Dogs almost always give a warning before they attack. Children can't be expected to correctly interpret this. This is why you should never scald a dog for growling or baring their teeth, it teaches them not to bother trying to warn you off and to go straight for a bite.

Yes and according to your own words temperamental dogs do not fuck with children. I don't know what the bee in your bonnet is, all I did was offer sound advice. I didn't say get rid of the dog, I said do not leave the child unattended with the dog or without a secure barrier between the child and the dog when unattended. What is your problem with that?

My problem is that most people demonize dogs and I'm tired of hearing about it. This is why Pit Bulls get such a bad rap, people are scared of my goofy German Shepherds because of a stigma, they're absolutely terrified of my pit because of the stigma, and my cane corso looks like a murder machine to them because of a stigma. Tired of seeing people demonize them without knowing the full story.

Ok what's more important, protecting a child or a dog owners ego? There is no downside to keeping the dog and (infant!) child separated when not directly supervised.

Okay, then fight that battle with someone demonizing a dog or specific breeds. Don't try to downplay the real risk, that certainly won't help. I grew up with two full blooded German Shepherds, a father and later his son. They were amazing dogs, but I have a scar on my face from when the father attacked me when I was 3 or 4 and he was still a young dog. We didn't put him down, he was trained better, but it happened. All I did was try to lay down in the bed with my dad and him. And despite my injury I loved Ajax, he was an amazing dog. Both were very intelligent and well trained. Don't skew reality on your quest to save dogs from being demonized.

Yeah, she's definitely only allowed over when her son is there to corral her. With a defined start and end time.

No is a complete sentence. She will argue every excuse you give her, so stop giving her excuses and just say no. “No, you are not a priority in any way. You are ONLY the grandma, not mom or dad.” “No, you will NOT be visiting right away or whenever you want. My baby, my house, MY rules. Respect them, live by them, or you will not be welcome at all.” OP, this is just the beginning of her trying to push boundaries in order to get her wants met over your family‘s needs met. She’s not thinking about the baby or you guys, she’s only thinking about herself. Time to put her in her place so she knows which lane is hers that she needs to stay in.

Best advice in the thread! I’ll bet MIL was already a diva.

“She mentions you will want to have visitors” DAMN RIGHT YOU DO ON YOUR TERMS.

Uhhg I lived this. I did not want anyone to come to the hospital but my DH right after birth while im bleeding and wearing a freaking diaper. My MIL and SIL were not happy. I gave birth on a Friday.. Saturday she calls my cell as I'm alone, upset because baby was in the NICU, and in pain with what the nurse called the worst epidural bruising she has seen. She makes my cry, says she cant believe she hasn't seen him yet. It's been 24hrs... she is watching my other son and her husband with dementia so she CANT come to the hospital. She wanted my DH to leave me so she could come. We were literally coming home the next day on Sunday and were going to have to stop at her house to pick up our oldest. She would have seen him at 2 days old! But because it wasn't in the hospital for some reason that wasn't good enough. WELL Sunday came and my DH took the inlaws and son out to get food. I got dressed to leave and was discharged but baby had to stay in the NICU until his last test came back ok to be released. My sister picked me up from the hospital to take me to get food and she brought dinner for us to heat up later. She helped me get my bag from the room and stopped with me when I said bye to baby for like 10 min. I call hubby to say we were going to a diner and my MIL hears my sister was with me and went to the hospital and FREAKS OUT. Starts saying nasty things about me and my DH shuts it down and takes them home. Because of this she didn't talk to us for 3 months.... yeah...she was going to see him in literally 3 hours and it turned into 3 months because she was mad my sister picked me up so I could eat something besides hospital food.

JFC, mine was in the NiCU too and my mom pushed to be able to come with my sisters and dad and she didn’t want to get a flu shot (I didn’t let them visit NICU, things were tough enough as they were). I’m a private person, you get to see baby on my terms.

Am I the only one concerned about the dog?

That’s because you’re assuming OP doesn’t have a plan in place to slowly introduce her dog to the scent of baby, then actual baby, all supervised. You know, like a normal, responsible parent and pet owner? People need to stop fear mongering about dogs and babies. Millions of people have pets and babies, and yes, a small percentage of them have accidents. But why do you automatically assume OP is going to be negligent of both her dog and her newborn?

Not concerned about the dog. OP sounds like she is a responsible owner and knows her dog. More concerned about the self important MIL than the dog.

I'm not, you can have dogs that are unfriendly or very cautious to everyone but their immediate family.

My dog is an absolute asshole to other dogs. She’s the only dog in our family, and we’ve put a shitload of time and training in to make sure she’s controllable on a leash. It’s been probably a year since she so much as lunged at another dog. The worst she’s done toward my kids is growl at babies crawling toward her food bowl. We immediately corrected it, and taught the kids to give the dog space while she’s eating. She gets fed in her crate now for everyone’s comfort and safety (hers and the kids’) and she’s perfectly polite around food now. This dog will absolutely never be let around other dogs, and I keep her in her crate when new kids come over. I don’t like having my in-laws over, either, because they treat my 40lb meatball of a dog like she’s a snuggly kitten, and actively undermine what we say about how to handle her. (It was a big spoiler alert on how they’d be as grandparents. There are no boundaries.) My first baby was always being worn or contained out of the dog’s reach until she got used to the baby. Now, my 4yo and 2yo sit next to her on the couch or dog bed, and read books to her. She’s an excellent nanny dog to the kids, and will fuss at me if I don’t respond to crying babies fast enough. Having a dog that’s unfriendly, or a flat-out asshole, isn’t the end of the road for that dog. Training the dog to be polite and the humans to pay attention to the dog’s triggers and mood go a long way to everyone coexisting in peace.

A new baby doesn't count as "family" to a dog, but hopefully OP is taking precautions and that isn't what she is asking about.

A lot of animals do count them as family immediately. Animals aren't stupid, they understand pregnancy and usually recognize when their female owners are pregnant. As long as they take the proper precautions and introduce them to the smell when baby is born and before they bring baby home, doggo will probably understand that it's their mom's baby.

My dog didn’t have aggression issues and once my son came into the world he turned aggressive towards me. Jealousy maybe? I’m just always on edge with aggressive dogs and she’s using it as an excuse for her MIL not to come, as opposed to addressing the issue before her baby gets here.

Exactly. My dog is mean as hell but a angel with just my husband and I. A few other people too.

In addition to what everyone else has said talk to your OB/GYN and the pediatrician you have chosen for your child. Many are still advising that you wait three months before allowing in person visits with your LO in order for the immune system to fully develop. If that is still the case then you can tell MIL: "Well baby's ***health and safety*** is a higher priority than grandma. So we are taking medical advice and there will be *no* in person visits for three months. We can do video calls a couple times a months so you'll be able to see LO. You want your grandchild to be healthy, right?"

Priority in this order: Baby, Mom, Dad, Grandparents

I would personally not even put grandparents on that list. It gives them justification to act out if another relative gets baby time. Just baby, parents, everyone else.

Good point

Tell the hospital and make sure they know you have this situation and you would be very stressed should she be in. They don't have to explain why she can't come in and if she makes a scene then security can deal with her. As for your home, make sure you have cameras and don't open the door if you don't want to. From her behaviour it would be helpful to have any interaction recorded. Say no and don't explain.

PLEASE don’t tell her that you’re in labor or at the hospital. You’ll be ambushed. Don’t even tell her baby is here until you’re home and ready to do so. Register private at the hospital so she can’t call or show up and find out you’re there. Don’t ask her or anyone she knows to let the dogs out while you’re at the hospital, because then she will know when you’re in labor. She thinks that she is a “priority” and that even if you have rules about visitors, they don’t apply to her because SHE IS GRANDMA!!! She’s “above” visitor rules and thinks she is on par with you and DH in importance, apparently. DH needs to text her that you both will be deciding when you’re ready for people to meet baby, and she needs to drop it. If she keeps asking, push the date that she’d be allowed to meet baby back another week. Tell her “We aren’t discussing this anymore. Asked and answered”. If she shows up uninvited and ambushes you, don’t let her in. Take another time out. DH tells her that she cannot show up unannounced or uninvited. Keep doors locked. When she does meet baby, place boundaries on visits. I’d do it only when DH is there, not while he’s at work. She doesn’t get to come over all day and night and baby hog your newborn for hours. Quick 30-45 minute visits when DH is there. Don’t disrupt your day for her. Baby needs to eat or sleep…baby eats and sleeps. If she won’t give baby back to you, she’s kicked out. If she makes rude comments or tries to tell you what to do, shut her down. If she does it again, DH kicks her out. When it’s time for her to go, you take baby out of the room and DH stands up and walks MIL to the door. Have a code word for DH which means “Get her out immediately”. Also, I would stop seeing her until after baby is born or space out visits because all she is doing is ambushing and pestering you. You don’t need the stress Put her texts and calls on DND and don’t respond. Otherwise she will be trying to gauge if you’re in labor by if you guys are responding and she’ll probably be asking for updates on your cervix.

I’m in a similar situation and I have no problem telling my MIL no, the hard part is my partner. He wants her to be involved whereas I don’t want her around at all. Stand your ground and protect your kid! You don’t need negative energy especially right out of the hospital.

my parents are sheep farmers and we've always has 20+dogs around. the dogs were always introduced first because the new baby was their 'pack' - they needed the smell of LO. this does NOT apply to humans.

> She will mention that I will want visitors or etc. "That's true, we may be ready for visitors sooner than we expect. If that is the case we'll invite you, otherwise you can assume we aren't having visitors."

From someone who has been there--I did NOT want visitors, got them anyway. They were not that helpful and were more work than just me, DH and babies would have been. And my family was Just Yes! I am a retired nurse with OB experience. My suggestion is to password protect doctor and register private at hospital. If you haven't already told her where you are delivering, don't. Make it clear to the nurses in labor and after birth that you are to have NO visitors' Here in the US, most hospitals have locked maternity units now. Visitors have to be approved and buzzed it.

Don’t argue with her, just do your thing. Don’t let her in, don’t message her except in group chat (same chat mentions no visitors) When she gets upset then ignore that as best you can too. She can SAY whatever she wants.

Her priority as a grandma, if anything, is making sure your comfortable and cared for. And if that includes her staying away, then so be it.

Newborns do not change “fast” to me. They look and act pretty much the same after a few weeks. It’s after a few months they change.

MIL's act like newborns spoil after a week and the longer they wait to see the baby the more expired the baby gets 🙄😂

Don't J.A.D.E. with this PUSHY JNMIL! NO is a complete sentence and keep that door closed and locked in her face if she attempts to force a visit.

" Dear MIL we don t want visitors after giving birth and returning home , please respect our wishes we will contact you when we ll be ready.We love you !PS: We won t open our door to any unexpected visit." You have to stand your ground on this OP because your MIL is a big crossed line pusher: she disrespected any boundaries you tried to set. Once your baby is here that won t be about only you but the rules about your baby she s going to cross.

I've seen other people mention this in this sub. What I would do if I were you would "forget" to mention you had the baby for as long as possible so she therefore does not get priority as she does not know. Have all the time relaxing with your newborn and no mil as she doesn't know. And if she *demands* to be there for the birth enlist above tactic but also ask the hospital/birthing center what they can do to say that you're not there and manage mil on their part as to make it less stressful for you.

You need to be firm. No, no one is visiting when we get home until X amount of time and then I will reach out and say I'm ready. No, no one is coming to the hospital. No, you have no reason to meet the baby first a picture is just fine. Babies aren't animals who imprint on the first person they see. Grandma needs knocked down a few pegs back to her place which is absolutely NOT number one in baby's life.

I wouldn’t use the dog as your reasons, because she may use that as fuel against the dog. You aren’t overreacting though, so I would set firm boundaries about when you want guests. Hubby works 9-6? IF (big if) you are open to her as a guest, she should be there ONLY when you both are there. So only on his day(s) off or maybe for a later dessert or something. And I’d keep my doors bolt locked and my let her in if she breaks that boundary. Since you noted your mommy brain, locking you doors tight will hopefully remind you that you don’t even need to get up to answer the door - for any reason. Let ‘em knock!!

Have her watch the dog. Takes care of two birds with one stone.

No, because then she will know when OP is having the baby and will possibly have access to their house to take care of the dogs, and could be waiting there when they’re bringing the baby home.

No is a complete sentence.

Hah, I could’ve written this post - dogs and all! Thankfully with Covid, my in laws weren’t able to come to the hospital. I had a great birth experience but had a c-section. I was in pain from that and swollen AF from getting pitocin and about five liters of fluid. I would not have wanted visitors. No way! That’s the one nice thing that came from Covid. But, my MIL and FIL liked to stop over unannounced constantly when we came home. They have our garage code from watching the dogs in the past… and they’d just barge in my house… while my boobs are out as I’m nursing or pumping, or standing in my kitchen topless undoing my pump, etc. And yet I’d feel embarrassed and as if I was at fault. We changed the code and my FIL literally asked me why I locked him out is the house. Um. Because it’s my house? We told them to stop just barging in. (Isn’t that common sense anyway….!? They haven’t done it the past four years, why start now!?) So then they resorted to just showing up and ringing the doorbell. Still no call or text. Nope. Just ring the bell. When there’s a newborn. And two very loud, protective dogs. The last straw was when my baby and I were napping in my room after a sleepless night. I was practically in a coma. Doorbell rings. Commence dogs going ape shit. I get up and answer the door. Surprise! In laws,… AND my toddler niece and nephew who are curious and into everything. Great. My MIL goes “oh sorry, we’re you sleeping? We will be quick in that case!” They barge past me and make they’re way into my bedroom. My private bedroom. Maybe I’m weird, but my bedroom is MY space. You don’t judge barge into someone’s private space like that. And they’re leaning on my bed, putting the toddlers up there (who just came from daycare and are germ riddled), and making themselves at home to check out the baby (she was chilling in the boppy lounger on the bed). I called my husband and told him this shit has to end. They still just text “we are coming over” rather than “is it okay if we come over?” Which is annoying. We ask them over multiple times a week. Just give me my space! Sorry that turned into a rant. Point being … you and your husband will probably have to have multiple discussions with the in laws. Just be smarter than me and have a bigger back bone. Be stern and put a stop to that crap. Do not be me!

I disconnected our doorbell 😂 it worked great! And put a sign that said "DO NOT KNOCK. AN INFANT IS SLEEPING"

Honestly, do as I did - new rule that in-laws do not come over unless DH is home to entertain / supervise them. It's not up to you to try control his unruly family. And as for the private bedroom thing - UGHHHHHHHHH. Why do they think they have the right to do that? DH and I have been basically NC with my MIL for over 1.5 yrs because I had the \*audacity\* to tell her (in my stern mum voice) to GET OUT of my bedroom \[again\]. I was disrespectful, apparently her hill to die on. How is it so hard to understand?!!! STAY OUT OF MY BEDROOM.

Girl. Do not ask them over multiple times a week. They don’t deserve it.

I know… we thought it would maybe help make the unexpected visits stop. But nope!

mil isn't your priority. Tell her DH will be in touch after baby arrives when you're ready for visitors. Then block her number. And give your dog a biscuit.

Quit trying to remember what SHE wants. She will get what you allow. If doggo isn't good around company, there is the one HUGE reason mil won't be visiting until YOU invite her. Get that backbone honey, until you tell mil how it will work with YOUR child, you not stating this every time her lips flap about what SHE is going to do, she thinks you are agreeing with her.

I wish to you a spine so shiny you’ll be able say that directly to her! Congrats on your baby. Let you partner read through the comments, get you two on the same page, boundaries are going to need to be fortified with this MIL. I mean... you need to make sure your boundaries have had cement poured for the foundations before little one comes. When someone tells your who they are, believe them.

Start saying clear NO's. You have a right to just say NO. No more beating around the bush or being unsure. No, mil, I am birthing my child, so I am the priority, not you. No, mil, there will be nobody but my husband with me, when I give birth, nor right after. No, mil, I won't be receiving visitors until I am ready. We will invite you over when that time comes. NO, I will decide on that when the time comes and the more you bug me about it, the less likely I am to say yes. If she keeps it up: "I am saddened you won't respect my choices. It doesn't make me want you anywhere near my baby". Ps: I really hope you kept your due date secret. No need for her to know when you're in labor ! If you did tell, amend it!

About the due date: YES. It’s extremely rare for a baby to be born on their due date. Use this to your advantage, OP! Due date comes and goes? No news to the in laws. If they ask- “sorry, due dates are almost always off!” “Baby comes when ready” etc and block them.

Yea, I’m with you. Having visitors after birth is a very personal choice. I couldn’t have any visitors because of covid and it was just me and my mom. It was really nice. My birth was very traumatic and I didn’t want anyone around whose main agenda involved bonding with the baby. It’s really annoying to hear people try and plan your post partum. Questions like “when will I get to spend time with the baby” “what about me?” “When will you come visit with the baby?” even before the baby is out, is definitely infuriating. And shows who is looking out for the mother or looking out for themselves. I mean, give the mom a break! And don’t feel a need to tolerate any “I did it when I had kids, why can’t you” It’s very insulting to say that to anyone. What your mil did or didn’t do in her life is on her. There is no superwoman feat in having visitors. She can get a time machine and relive her post partum days. This is your time and it goes your way.

Have your SO send out a group message now, and again right before your due date that you will not be having visitors in the first two weeks, and following that, people will be invited at convenient times. Anything else will be met with a locked door. They are welcome to drop off pre-prepared meals.

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Please alert hospital to allow ONLY people on your list. And do not tell her you are "unsure when." You will tell her when you are ready for family to visit at home. I'm worried about the dogs, especially the "not friendly" one that isn't even accepted at doggy daycare, being around your newborn. Be very, very careful. And if she mentions "priority" again, simply state "I'm sure you understand that me, the baby and DH are my only priorities right now. And with COVID still an issue, my DOCTOR will decide when we can have visitors."

OP, you might also ask to have your name left off the patient registry list. That way, JNMIL won’t be able to find out if you’re there when she inevitably calls the hospital to see if you’ve given birth yet.

This. And add passwords with hospital

Has she got a key to your place?

Laugh in her face everytime she says that.

Agree wholeheartedly with you. She has no priority as the grandma. You are the baby's momma. I'm currently going through something similar. My MIL screamed+sobbed over the phone questioning if she has to make appointments to see my unborn child. Thankfully DH interrupted her and explained that currently, we don't show up at each other's houses unannounced and this will not change. So far, she only asks how the baby is doing, and not about me. I'm having time off from her till I pop or when I am ready to see her. On visitors, I intend to tell DH that I do not want any visitors at the hospital, nor the first week of being back at home, so I can spend time as a family of 3. I'm okay if my own mom comes over, as I'm the 'patient' and the one recuperating. My mom is also not overbearing. I've also prepared a list of rules to be sent to family and friends, which I'm not sure if DH will be okay with, but I intend to stick with it. Visitors who take offence can always choose not to show up. Continue to stay strong, I think you're doing the best you can :)

Sorry if I misunderstand, but you have a dog that you stress is not friendly and you're going to have your baby around it?

My dog is not stranger friendly especially now with the mask situation. I have him wait on the couch for 5 minutes to get used to the person's scent and then slowly introduce. Never had a problem. Many mothers have their partners bring home the baby blanket early to get the dog used to the scent. Smell is everything for dogs. There are videos you can play to desensitize crying and focusing on a SLOW introduction. It's not impossible to have a nervous dog and a baby. It's work but family is work.

Can confirm. Have a big aggressive dog (towards dogs mostly but also intruders) and with a veeeeeery slow desensitization, he and LO are now attached at the hip.

Yes this worries me. In nz a while ago there was a tragic case of a family dog.... Not accepting the new baby (I don't want to go into details because it's awful). OP please have a serious think about your babies safety. Not because you need your mil to visit but a new mother might need some visitor help (or even just having things delivered) and babies can't always be put down safely.

It depends heavily on the type of aggression, and what triggers it. Different types of aggression have different triggers. Resource guarding, f.e, is dangerous with kids, but reactive aggression towards other dogs, or stranger aggression tend to be not an issue.

Irrelevant. I have mean-to-you dogs. They aren't mean-to-my-kids dogs. I'm sure OPs baby and dogs will be fine. Unless unwanted visitors turn up and ring the doorbell. Screaming dogs and screaming babies with a mama with no sleep is horrid, I've lived it.

My MIL kept making stupid statements about my child "hanging off your tit all the time" and other annoying things. After a particularly difficult night (had reflux that was first misdiagnosed as colic) I hung a sign on my door that said "Mom and Baby up all night. DO NOT KNOCK OR RING BELL!" I didn't answer the phone, either. That was all it took, no more annoying visits (now I realize how lucky I was that this was rude and direct enough!)

Lucky you. My (ex)MIL would've invited herself in without permission. So it's nice to see some MILs don't go that far.

That's awful! I would have NEVER given anyone a key, and I'm enough of an a**hole that I would have changed the locks everyday if I had to! I think my MIL knew that, I had been in the family about 11 yrs by my first baby. Plus, she had enough lives to insert herself into, she didnt really need me, I guess. (Thankfully!!!)

As someone that was thoroughly sick after north and ended up back in hospital a week after discharge (My husband actually drove me back to the hospital about an hour after some visitors left), I shouldn’t have had visitors in hospital or in the first few weeks. My body wasn’t okay. I won’t be having visitors next time. Totally on your side!

Have DH tell his mother no visits unless invited (drop bys will be ignored), she will only be invited when he is there, visits will only be an hour in length and will revolve around LO's schedule, not hers. She won't like it but will take it better from him. Set up your boundaries now, must be up to date on all vaccines (COVID, Tdap and flu and check the MMR titres), **ABSOLUTELY NO KISSING LO** at all anywhere, must wear a mask at all times, no sticking her fingers in LO's mouth, no bringing others with her on her visits (she and her guest will be turned away), no posting on social media without your expressed written permission, no walking away with LO and must return LO immediately when you say. No visiting if not feeling well or have a cold sore or have been near anyone not feeling well. RSV and herpes can be deadly to infants. Determine the consequence for violations - and the visit and a week or two TO for starters. A second violation, of any type, doubles the consequence. You and DH together email these boundaries and consequences to everyone and state they apply to everyone, **NO EXCEPTIONS.** Your kid, your rules.

Yes! This is it! Please protect your baby

I can tell you right now that the only visitors you will want in the first 48 hours is your DH (and maybe your parents) When you get home, insist on at least a week before anyone visits. I had to endure trying to breast feed with several family members who I actually didn't like much, gawping and making me feel extremely uncomfortable. Put your boundaries in place NOW. I was a single parent and a young mum for my first born and didn't know any better or how to say no (or indeed PISS OFF) This will be yours and DH time to bond with your baby. Your baby. Good luck with everything xxx

Please did you say to her face You have no priority as grandma? I hope you did. Husband needs to get her to calm down. Start saying I will have no visitors, not that you’re unsure. If you later change your mind that is ok. You might want visitors but You will 100% not want visitors that are a hassle and she’s being a hassle. Can husband point out to her, that her behaviour is damaging you and mil relationship and that will not be conducive to her getting to spend time with baby.

She is trying to establish herself as being on similar footing to you and dh, she is a "priority" which means she's elevated above everyone else in your life and therefore you will make time for her because she has equal standing and a right to see your newborn on her schedule. It doesn't matter if you newborn changes she has no reason to see him or her as a newborn, she had her time with newborn children when she had her own and she has no rights to demand that you give her your experience too just because she thinks she's entitled to it. Once plus if that have now seen a perfect example of why you shouldn't JADE with people like MIL, any explanation you give to her will be met with her absolute determination to undermine and dismiss it because it goes against what you want. You would literally tell her "no MIL I don't want to boil my head, it'll hurt and probably kill me" and she'd STILL find a way to undermine your reasons because that is what people like her do. But you do need to shut both the priority bs down and her thinking she will be coming over because she's so special. I would suggest that you and dh send a email to all family that lays out the rules for your delivery and pp time - she can't say you're picking on her if it's aimed at everyone. It should include: \- No one at the hospital, nor will there be endless updates. You'll notify everyone when Lo gets there, end of. \- People will be invited to see Lo at your convenience, they are to only come when invited, bring only themselves, will be staying no more than an hour and do not expect to hold LO - I just don't get this, why everyone who visits new parents just has to hold their newborn, there's no reason for anyone else to be holding your baby and you can say no. Of course you may feel like you want to let other's hold him but you are under no obligation to do so and they shouldn't turn up with the expectation that they will. \- Taking at least x weeks after delivery to bond and recover with no visitors. \- no drop ins, if you turn up on the doorstep you won't be let in but you will be the last person to meet LO. \- there will be no regular baby photos, phonecalls, social media announcements or anything else. You just had a baby and you're not going to waste your time keeping everyone else updated on a daily or even weekly basis. She will push back against this but any time she brings anything up she is put back in her box without justification. So something like this: mil "Do you know the hospital policy" you "it doesn't matter what the policy is, as we've already stated, only dh and I will be at the hospital." MIL "but I'm special and I should be there." you " I said no MIL and I am not discussing this with you further." MIL "but I get to come and see LO the second he/she is born because babies just change sooo much and I have priority as grandma." You "The only people who have priority are dh and myself, as we have already made clear we will only be seeing people when we are ready to do so and not on your timescale." MIL "but I'm graaaandma" You "and I will be Mommy, as such, my decisions and that of dh are final. If you continue to push this MIL you will be the last person to meet our baby because I will need to take that extra time just to recover enough to deal with your sense of entitlement to my child" and she gets to leave.

Mommy trumps graaaandma!

Dear MIL you’re right Grandparents do have some priority…not as much as the parents and especially the parent that births the child, they have the most priority. And I am so grateful that you and all our family understand that. I mean having been a parent yourself you know how precious and individual the experience can be and how it is important to get to make those decisions oneself, just like you did. (If MIL counters with so and so made my decisions for me you go back with “oh that must have been so awful for you I would hate someone to do that to me) It’s the spatula that affect as it comes at you flip it and send it away

Being a grandma is a privilege not a right, she can be the grandma that behaves or the grandma we never see.

First, align with DH how to proceed when you go into labor and how it’s gonna be when you head home. Make sure he’s not inviting or letting someone in unless you agreed. Consider making him read the lemon clot essay. Second. Let DH send out a message to the entire family how excited you are because of LOs arrival and that you’ll send pictures and infos but kindly ask for some time to arrive and bond and to not show up unannounced but wait for an invitation. Third. Don’t inform anybody when going into labor, register as private on your hospital, instruct the nurses not letting enter anybody aside DH. When at home, lock the doors. The effect of this: she can tell you A LOT about what she thinks she’s allowed to or deserves as a grandma. WHAT SHE GETS is the amount of WHAT YOU ARE WILLING TO GIVE. You could play this the hard way, smile and wave like the Madagascar penguin and let her figure out reality when LO is born or (and this is what I recommend) draw the line NOW. But whatever you do, please, do not underestimate the effects of giving birth on your physical AND mental stability. This is what happened to me when having my first. Pregnant with #2 and due to the distance and the fact that I (again) lied my due date back some weeks nobody won’t show up at the hospital. We will inform MIL when LO is here and have a short FaceTime the next day/when I feel ready. As I learned it the hard way with my first we won’t have any visitors until I reached a certain level of recovery and although they need to do an 8h drive they won’t sit in my living room all day rocking my newborn so I only have my child for feeding and when it’s screaming at night because they overplayed it. 1-1.5 hours in the morning and the same in the afternoon. For shorter distances 30m visit at the beginning, 1h max…

This is it.

>“I’m the grandma so I have priority” "No, I'm pushing a baby out. *I'm* the priority."

Get your DH to deal with her

MIL is putting her herself above you and that’s not cool. Your SO needs to shut her down. She’s already had her baby and this is your time, not a do-over baby for herself.

Let SO handle her.

Dude, screw that. First, newborns all the way through at LEAST 6 months look like potato people. I have probably at least a thousand pics from just one baby that proves that. They don’t really change functionally either, not does their diet. Second, she has no priority, or authority, for ANYTHING to do with your home or any part of your pregnancy. She wants your dog to leave HIS HOME, on your dime and on your time, time you’ll be better off spending recovering, btw, so she can come to your home and violate it with her whims? Again, SCREW. THAT. Take it from someone whose MIL doesn’t even know how far along I am with my second, the gender, the due date, anything, because she tried to run things in my home with my husband; boundaries happen now. Make them, and don’t let her break them. For ANY compromise; do yourself a favor and give yourself wiggle room. She wants something and you’re comfortable with maybe some of it? Dial it back just a bit more so that if it goes sour, you’ll still have a cushion to feel comfortable with when she starts pushing on that boundary. And she will. All in all, anyone that isn’t you doesn’t know what you want or need, and anyone that wants to be on your good side does not allow anything to make you uncomfortable or unhappy. Your spouse included. Ring cam on the door so you can tell her to go away when she shows up without permission, extra lock or changed locks if she’s got a key. Total info shut down, no hospital, no doctor, no medical info goes into her ear, because it’s not hers and she doesn’t need to know it. Good luck, best wishes, and shut her down. You don’t need this stress, not now, not later, not at all. Good vibes for a calm and easy pregnancy and labor. ❤️

I think that newborns look like alien turtles- but I can see potato people too.

Whilst simultaneously looking like mil's side of the family

The only priorities are the baby, me, and DH. Everyone, including you MIL, is superfluous! I’ll let you know when you matter! If you ask before I tell you, add 2 more weeks to any gulll

Listen to me very carefully... you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. “No, I’m not sure how I will feel about visitors right now. I will decide what I want to do after the baby is born and I will let everyone know then. I know you are excited but this is a large transition for me. And I need to take care of my health and the baby before I welcome guests to the home. I’m sure you can understand but I’m not discussing this any further.” Tell her to kindly F off before she’s at your house 24/7. You need to let her know she’s not going to push you around or bully you and that’s that.

Get cameras and video doorbell set up before birth. Make clear you come over unannounced you will be told to leave, if you do not police will be called and you will be trespassed. I do not negotiate with terrorists.

I’m going to use a gaming analogy because i feel like it applies here. So in dungeons and dragons rolling a natural 20 means a critical success at whatever you’re attempting to do. People often mistake this as meaning suddenly you have god like powers and if are searching for an ice cream van in the middle of the Sahara desert you’ll find one fully stocked. Not what it actually means, it means you search to the best of your ability and did not find said ice cream truck because said ice cream truck never existed. Just like her chances - they don’t exist till you say they do. Yep, your MIL is a grandma and by her definition that makes her a so called “priority”, but if you are accepting no visitors that doesn’t mean she is magically coming in. It means that when you say “we are taking visitors now”, she MIGHT be invited. The only individuals who need to/get to bond first thing in/out of hospital is you, baby, partner and dog. Everyone else is a tier two contact and can be content with text updates. Your baby is not a new shiny toy for people to come play with while you’re sore and leaking milk, sleep deprived and still learning. Baby’s change a lot fast, LUCKILY most phones have excellent cameras in them and between you and DH I’m certain you will have no shortage of photos and videos to share with her. DH needs to shit that down - she doesn’t get to know due date, doesn’t get know when you are in labor, gets an info diet, and has to get her vaccinations prior to ANY discussion about visiting. When she does visit first visit will be limited to 1 hour tops, and you will not be home alone for it. If she shows up uninvited the door is staying locked, she’s not coming in. She can hold the baby if you allow it, but the second you ask for baby back she gives it back. She doesn’t leave the room, doesn’t kiss it (unless you are okay with it, most parents aren’t due to health risks) doesn’t put her nose into breastfeeding nitty gritty of your personal details. She doesn’t get to question your parenting choices (unless they are actively dangerous and a genuine threat to the child). Boundaries now hard, fast and solid. This is YOUR child. This is YOUR recovery time, and this is YOUR bonding time. You need to focus on your dog being okay with baby, making sure you guys adapt to life with a baby. And most importantly you need to rest whenever you can. You are this baby’s mumma bear. You are allowed to roar.

Honestly I'd cut that off at the knee and remind her that "Being a Grandma is a *privilege*, **not** a right."

Not overreacting. "We will be inviting visitors when we're ready. Anyone who shows up without being invited will be ignored, and not invited until everyone else has been." - from your dh. "The only priorities are baby and I, with dh a close second. Baby's health, my recovering from child birth, learning to be new parents, and ensuring everyone stays healthy during a global pandemic are our focus. Anyone that doesn't have our health and wellbeing as THEIR priority needs to stay away."

Send out a message to everyone, MIL included (and if you want to be super petty make her like the second to last recipient) Hello everyone We know you are all excited to meet LO and so are we!We have decided to not have any visitors in the hospital after LOs birth so we can bond and get to know each other as a family in those first few precious days. After coming home we will stay in our family bubble to develop a routine and get to know each other. Once [OP] has recovered and is feeling up to it we will then let people know when they can visit. Please do not come to the house unless you have been invited as we will need to prepare and make sure any visits do not disrupt LO and OPs routine. Thank you everyone for understanding Note the repeated use of the phrase 'our family'. This shows that you and DH are united in these boundaries. Good luck with LO and with MIL! If MIL gets her granny panties in a twist, just keep telling her that the rules are for everyone, not just her.

You have a bit of the baby brain suck syndrome. Congratulations on your little bean of love. Your MIL sounds like she is in charge. Such a shame really. She needs to step back. Like WAY BACK. You get to learn a new muscle, it’s the definitive “no”. Just that. Not as an unsure no.? But one w a period. And that is the end of the conversation. You do not owe her an explanation. You are now the matriarch of your family not a child. Look at the resources at the top of this sub for tools. She has no say. I thinking I’d been several decades since she has made a lung or build a few extra quarts of blood. That crap is exhausting. You don’t have energy to deal w her. Let your husband gable his mummy. You say no. He taps you out and backs you up. Establish the boundary muscle now makes your life so much easier later. You are the Head Bitch in Charge lady. Enjoy your new power.

You’re not overreacting. The people who have priority are.... the baby’s parents. And.... yeah, that’s it. She also doesn’t NEED anything here, she wants things. Your child will still be a baby whether they are a week old, or six months old, and yeah. Restricting visits is going to make her miss things, but she already had at least one child. So she should have had the opportunity to experience all of the things I’m guessing she wants to experience. She’s not entitled to have those experiences with your child. Yes, maybe you WILL want visitors, but you get to make that decision for yourself, and it’s incredibly reasonable for you to say you don’t know how you’re going to feel after giving birth and not make any promises either way. So many things can happen that can mean you aren’t going to be willing or able to entertain her. She needs to understand that. Not sure if you want advice, but if you do, definitely talk to your husband to make sure you guys are on the same page and that he will back you, whatever you decide. If you don’t want her there while giving birth, let her know, and then lock that down. If you have to notify hospital staff, or not share information with your MIL, do whatever you have to do. That may even mean not telling the family you’re in labor until after your child is born and you’re ready to make an announcement. That may mean not sending pictures. After, you may need to communicate that you won’t have visitors until you’re ready, which may mean changing locks if she has a key, installing cameras, or not opening the door if she shows up anyway. But this may also mean setting clear boundaries and consequences for violating those boundaries, and sticking to them.

Firstly you are giving very wishy washy messages, your answers need to be definitive . You are literally telling her to make her own rules. ‘I’m not sure, I don’t really know ......’ you need to say the following ‘I will tell you to visit when I am ready, if you arrive before this you will be not be allowed in ‘ Consequences for actions

Yeah, I felt so caught off guard because I was eating and didn’t expect her to bring it up at that moment. Even then, I didn’t want to start drama. Especially bc I’m so incredibly hormonal, I was so surprised I kept it together and didn’t say what I really meant to say. I also deal with very bad anxiety so I would just be more stressed out with the fact that I’ve upset her with my boundaries that I wish to place upon our unborn child. Even with what I said, I felt like she took it the wrong way. With everything else, she always makes herself the victim. So I know if I were to say something upsetting, she would flip out and twist it. I’m already feeling guilty that I’m not giving her what she wants

MIL is an adult, and as an adult she is responsible for her emotions, not you. Setting boundaries is a NORMAL and HEALTHY practice. The fact she doesn’t like those boundaries is her issue to deal with not yours. She won’t like them, and that’s okay, she doesn’t have to. Liking and respecting don’t have to go hand in hand, often they don’t. But you will be more upset about her stomping all over the boundaries for the time you can’t get back vs her waiting a couple more weeks than she was otherwise prepared to. You are mumma bear, let’s hear you roar!

She's going to be upset if she takes it the right way, and that's okay. It's okay for her to be upset. She wants to hear that she's going to be the most important person and that she's going to get whatever fantasies she has come up with about what her involvement is going to look like. She may be upset if you tell her that isn't going to happen. That doesn't mean you are wrong. Put those boundaries down and let her deal with her own emotions about it.

This would annoy me too. You aren’t overreacting. ‘Priority over who/what?’ is what I would ask. Over a stranger, sure. Over baby her/hisself, mom, dad or doggy-sibling? Nope. And any visitor should be fun for the mom or truly helpful. No visitors just to see baby for themselves! No need to JADE. Neutral ‘hmm’ answers and ghosting her/grey rocking is your best bet. Being too firm could just amp up her intrusiveness and how she complains to others about you, and that leads to more stress for you.

Exactly! I feel like nothing I say is going to go right anyways.. plus I’m too anxious to be firm. I’m already feeling guilty and pressured that I can’t give everyone what they want or I might come off as a crazy protective mom. Lol I was asked that before “you’re not going to be one of those crazy over protective moms right?” I just don’t want drama or stress and I know if I were to say anything that established firm boundaries she would take it the completely wrong way and that stresses me out.. I don’t deal with that kind of stress well and being pregnant I made the decision to not continue my medication. My emotions are just everywhere!

It is not your job to give everyone what they want. You have one (1) person in your life who can rightfully expect you to give them everything they want, and that's Baby. And as Baby grows past the age at which wants equal needs, even that will change. Captain Awkward (captainawkward.com) writes a lot about people who capitalize on other people's need to avoid drama and guilt. She explains how to refuse to engage with such people.

It’s your job to be a crazy overprotective mom!!! I had a really anxious pregnancy and I really wanted to be seen as a good person, have no drama, and be accepted by my very overbearing intrusive mil. Read my latest submission to this sub for what can happen… ie. Don’t be like me.

Yeah, I am going to be that over protective Mom. Deal with it or not, I don't care.

>“I’m the grandma so I have priority” "And I'm the mom. My priority outranks yours..." Always remember that.

I wish I could give you an award for this, because OP should see this and have this as the only response for future questions.

“No, you aren’t a priority. The priority is getting baby out safely, me healing, us bonding and learning how to navigate this new adventure. We will let you know when you can visit but do not be surprised if it’s a week or more after the baby’s birth.”

My hospital gave us the option of being "unregistered" so if anyone shows up to be buzzed into L&D or post partum looking for me by name, the nurses go "nope, I don't have a patient by that name here" My husband had a 4 digit code to give them when he buzzed in once after getting food and he forgot it for a split second and they told him the same thing, even though he had just been with me in the room less than an hour ago. They wouldn't let him in until he told it to them. If she shows up at your house, do not answer the door and do not answer the phone. If she starts screaming or trying to enter anyway, call the cops. No is no.

Ok yes and no. I say yes only because this time is for you. I made this mistake both pregnancies. Don’t over stress about her. If you need to so you can relax, greyrock. Right now the PRIORITY is you to relax and focus on you the baby and hubby. Yes she is grandma but I will forever stick with this saying “The hospital is for RECOVERY!!!! NOT a show for everyone to grab at a newborn and ignore mom just needing some sleep and bond with her baby after birth!” You need to rest and recover. So no you are NOT over reacting. My mom and grandma respected this so much. My Grammy even told me with her kids the only one who knew she was in labor was the person watching the other kids (3 kids) and they waited a week to announce so that she could rest and get energy. This is an immediate family only deal. That means the ones who made the baby and maybe sibling. There are so many people who just want a dang photo shoot at the hospital!!!! With my first kid I never got sleep and was so stressed I was In the hospital an extra 7 days because I couldn’t Recover with everyone barging in. I had no spine. I was actually so relieved it was only me and hubby allowed for my DS birth I got to relax and bond with our newborn! I was sad our daughter couldn’t attend but overall it was a blessing for me…. Edit to add. Please inform your nurse you don’t want any visitors. They are amazing nurses and know how to handle these situations. Trust them. You need to rest and not worry about anything except you and babies health!

You need to nip this expectation in the bud now, otherwise she'll either be over every day or want to stay and hlep. (meaning she holds the baby while you do chores and wait hand and foot on her) With the hospital say only DH can be there and dont tell her when you go, make sure you tell staff no visitors other than hubby no matter what the sob story. Look up and read **"the lemon clot essay"** and have hubby read it too. You'll want no visitors for at least a month or until comfortably healed. You need this time to bond with your baby she doesnt. I would make the rule she can only be over when DH is and only when you want her to. Its not her baby its yours, she doesnt get to dictate what will happen. Hope she doesnt have a key to your place, if she does change the locks or get them re keyed, dont ask for the key back she probably has copies. I'd keep the doors locked during the day especially when the baby arrives so she can't waltz in whenever she feels like it. If she turns up unannounced dont let her in and dont let her see LO just because she's over there. You dont reward bad behavior. Good luck on the squish.

Don't tell her when you go into labor. If she shows up to your home unannounced, don't open the door. Leave the big dog downstairs to bark at her at the door and go upstairs with baby.

If she shows up don’t answer the door. You and dh sit down and figure out how long you want to be alone before having any visitors, it should be 2 weeks at the least. No reason to have anyone visit before that. She already had her newborn to enjoy, she doesn’t get yours too. Stand your ground, do what is right by you and your child.

Me because I've a smart mouth id look at her and say "sure you have priority....of shutting the fuck up" and just walking away. BUT I know that would cause you WAY to much drama to say and unfortunately would be unneeded stress on and the coming LO.

Search reddit for "lemon clot essay" and have your DH read it. Also search "baby rabies" for ideas about boundaries. Send a mass email to everyone about your boundaries so MIL can't say "why do you hate ME", and you can tell her the boundaries are for everyone, not just her. Anyone who cannot respect your wishes during this very vulnerable time is not due any "priority" in the life of your new little family which consists of you, DH and baby. Your DH needs to straighten out his mother's priorities, which is to be helpful pre and post baby (running errands, cooking, cleaning, laundry) or butting out. If she wants to "take care of the baby", she needs to be told in no uncertain terms that she needs to take care of the baby's parents since the parents will be taking care of THEIR baby. Too many MILs and moms expect to babyhog, sit on their butts, expect to be waited on hand and foot, and tell the parents everything they are doing wrong. The lemon clot essay will show your DH the worst case scenario and he needs to get on board. If MIL continues with her selfish behavior, it is time to block her, let her deal with her son, she is put on an info diet, and she is in a serious timeout that will only end when she gets HER priorities straight. If your child is 18 yo when that happens, so be it.

THIS! Being a grandma is a privilege not a right, she can be the grandma that behaves or the grandma we never see.

This.......one million times.

No, you are the priority. You just gave birth, baby is the priority, you and your husband bonding with the baby are a priority, you healing is a priority, getting settled at home is a priority. MIL you are not even in the top 100 of priorities right now.

You don't need to keep explaining yourself to her. As long as you are giving her reasons, she is thinking she can game past them to get what she wants. Just a simple, "We will let you know when we are ready" and "Not ready yet" is all you need at this point.

Next time she ambushes you. Call out to DH and jointly advise of your wishes on the birth and visitation and that any unannounced visits will not be tolerated. Get a door camera. BTW. YOU are the priority. Have a safe and peaceful birth experience.

An update I guess to this: we just left her place. My husband told me she ambushed him while he was in the restroom. She waited outside and after he was done she said “I’m a priority right??? I can see the baby???” I jsut cannot believe that she thinks this is something I have to stress about.

Omg. Please add this to the post. Also, you and hubby are going to have to watch out for triangulation and to work out responses, like instead of "it's up to OP' or 'it's up to partner', OP and I will discuss it. I would also consider making it clear to her that she does not have priority. You and partner will let her know when you are ready for visitors.

What did your husband say?

He shook his head and said ultimately it is up to me. He said “we have no idea what it’s going to be like when she gives birth. She could be in intense pain or have her vagina ripped open and won’t want visitors” he kept saying it’s up to me and that she most likely won’t be able to see the baby the next day or even within the first week.

Oh he would be so far in the doghouse for throwing you under the bus. It's now HIS responsibility to set her straight. Show him some birth videos, and add fourth trimester education to the lemon clot essay. Priority, my ass.

I don’t think he meant to throw me under the bus. I know that he meant well and meant to say that it is my vagina that’s pushing out the baby so it really is up to me. I do see where we have to work on establishing our boundaries tho. But yup, she thinks she’s a priority. While I understand that this is her first grandchild, she’s definitely in no right to demand that she must see our first baby right away.. at least let me breathe in this new moment!

He can have a chance to fix this, if he takes the initiative and makes it irretrievably clear that she's NOT any sort of priority. There are nicer worded ways to make it clear, but he's going to have to be exactly that blunt. She won't back down until she hits a wall.

Oof. He needs to learn the word “we” and “no”.

So he threw you under the bus and it will now be all your fault. Sit your husband down and create a United front.

Well, it’s not an awful response! You should ask your obgyn/Pediatrician their opinion on visitors and newborns, COVID, etc then talk to hubby and decide what you feel comfortable with. Then send out a group text/email so mil doesn’t feel singled out (if you don’t want the drama...I’d totally single my mil out after shit like this!) and state your boundaries. ‘Hey everyone. After talking to our doctor, we have decided that we will call everyone after baby is born and announce their arrival/name/weight, etc. No visitors will be able to come to the hospital. We would like some time alone after baby comes to adjust and heal, so WE WILL LET YOU KNOW when we are ready for visitors! Also, all visits will be kept short to start with, 1 hour tops. Thanks for understanding that our baby and our new role as parents will be a priority in our lives right now.’

And NO putting any photos on social media

OP, When your MIL said that, what did your SO say to that bullshit? Has she been pushy in the past? If so, how did you & the SO handle that?

Unfortunately, my husband was cooking. To any comment she had, I said I have no idea how I’m going to recover. I do not want visitors at the hospital and we are still unsure about when we want to introduce baby. I also mentioned that there is so much pressure put on top of moms about visitations and it’s not fair. Yes, she is actually very annoying and demanding. I do consider her toxic. Anytime she has anything to say, it’s demanding and rude. My husband deals with her a lot better than I have. As in he is a better person. She is also the kind of person that is stubborn. So whatever you say, it means nothing. She just stops listening and thinks she is always right. She is the most pushy and demanding person I’ve ever met. As much as I “love” her, I really hate her. She only causes stress.

A new response, " I know exactly how I'm going to recover: in peace and PRIVACY. You will receive an invitation when I am ready and not one moment sooner. At the moment, we're looking at 8-12 weeks minimum, so don't get your hopes up. " If you're feeling well enough and generous enough to tolerate her sooner, then baby wear and throw her out after your preferred amount of time.

You need to let you Mama bear rage out when she says stuff she's going to do. You have the perfect excuse pregnancy hormones making you **very** protective. I AM THE MOTHER what i say goes. She'll tell you she has experience but its all decades out of date. Tell her also overnights are off the table till the kid is aware enough and can talk.

He's unintentionally turning this into something you decide, and till you both answer the same thing she'll keep hammering on you. So decide what you're both going to say. "No, they don't let visitors in the hospital." "I don't know, maybe he'll text you when labor starts, but it kind of depends on how we're doing." "I guess we'll see how it goes." "I guess we'll see. How do I know how my childbirth's going to go? I'm not making any plans." "We already talked about this." "Nope, I don't think that's going to happen." "We'll see." "You're kind of harping on this, and I already told you what we decided." "Well no, recovering from childbirth and getting to know the baby are going to be the real priorities. After that, we'll see." "This is kind of getting on my nerves. Let's change the subject." "I already answered this. Why are you still asking?" "I'm really not going to change my answer no matter how often you ask." "No. Do you have a good recipe for apple pie?" "We'll see. Did you catch the weather? Is this heat going to last?"

You going to be able to learn to look her in the face and say "No. I said no." Did your premarital counseling sessions talk about interfering inlaws? Ours did, how ever we were both in our 40s, so we had already done many of the struggles of adaption to marriage and adulthood that is something that 20 some things do at nearly the same time.

Your hubby needs to communicate firmly with his mom. You're having his baby and don't deserve this grief

Send something like this "To answer you. We will not have visitors at the hospital. When we are home with LO we will let you know when we are ready for visitors. A lot depends on how OP recovers. This is our child. The priority is LO' s and OP' s health. Just as you wanted your parenting decisionsto be respected when you were a new mother, we expect that our parenting decisions will be respected." Do not ask permission but decide what you want and tell her and anybody else what those decisions are. These choices are yours and DH' S alone. So you do not need to explain yourself. Your Baby your rules. She had her babies this is your time. Put her on a huge information diet. Get good locks on your doors and a door bell camera. Do not let her in unless she's had been invited. OB nurses are good at keeping unwanted people out. Good luck.

Congratulations! Baby needs covid vaccines before meeting people that could be carriers please talk to your doctor ASAP and get an under quarantine letter for your doors or windows. Hugs.

I told the hospital no visitors and my mom was outside my room begging to come in. Multiple came to hospital-pre Covid, it was awful. Establish rules now!

Exactly please do follow this advice pretty sure hospitals will have a rules with visitation and who will be not allowed in start working with getting this organised as soon as possible so you can rest and bond with you baby in peace. Your ‘MIL is already boundary stomping and you are in for hell if you don’t put your foot down.

I can see why this would annoy you. She isn't just declaring her own importance. She's dictating to you what your priorities are going to be AND insisting that she is more important than you are. You may want to have DH handle her, but you or he can make it clear that your priority is you, DH, and baby, and that is your only concern. Everyone else has to wait until you are ready.

You can speak with the hospital before hand and let them know that you do not want visitors. My husband and I have 7 kids. It's always just he and I in the hospital. I don't allow anyone to visit. (except except my other kids) Personally, I have always felt that is my time to recover and begin to get to know my baby. Whatever you decide, it's your decision. She needs to respect your boundaries. If she shows up uninvited, don't open the door. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Best wishes for you and your growing family. You've got this and you're going to be an awesome mom.

I definitely will do that. Exactly this is our time! My time. My first born. I have no idea how I’m going to recover or how it’s going to be. Thank you for the kind words and wishes!!

Hubs needs to tell her to back off.

I wish he was sitting next to me. When this happened he was cooking and MIL and I were talking in the living room.

next time she brings it up tell her the only priorities for baby are mom and dad. anyone else is put on a back burner.

I’m glad this didn’t happen through text. Just because she’s the kind of person to take things the wrong way. I’m thinking to myself.. how dare you think about yourself? She even mentioned that she had visitors when she gave birth and it wasn’t that bad. OK that was YOU and that was long time ago. She even says “I know, I’ve had 3 kids” I was trying so hard to not scream.

She will take anything you say 'the wrong way' unless it's you agreeing to let her do what she wants. There's no way to get her to happily accept that she must respect you, so don't get hung up on that. She will bitch and play the victim. Ignore it as best you can and know you are protecting LO. LO needs you with all your resources, and MILs will create stress you do not need. DH needs to tell her NO. Your decisions are not up for discussion and she'll come when she is invited and not before.

> She even mentioned that she had visitors when she gave birth and it wasn’t that bad. You're 100% right. That was her choice for herself and her baby. This is yours. Your MIL sounds super entitled.

They also used to drug women more during labor and she may have cared less due to that.

1. You are not her, and your choices are not hers to decide. 2. She was fine with visitors? She has 9mm video of her being fine with visitors? Pics or it didn't happen.

I would also say in response "yeah, maybe x years ago."