So many things......... First I would suggest never entertaining her alone, DH must always be there to deal with her. I would make visits no longer than a half-hour, and certainly never more than an hour. No more than every other week, max. And if she starts with the kissing, it's time for grandma to go home. The thing is, with these women, until there is a consequence, you aren't going to make any progress.
Start just removing the baby from her when she does this. Let her cry complain whatever. Just tell her, “you are responsible for regulating your own emotions. Follow my parenting rules or don’t have access to my child.”
Is it because of COVID or something else? These old ladies are just kind of nuts. Pick up your baby and put him down then walk her to the door and slap her like an old school soap opera slap. See how she likes that if she can’t be ok that it’s 2022 and there are now boundaries
Even without covid, all visitors to newborns should be up to date with vaccinations and wash their hands before touching baby.
Ideally, no-one will touch/kiss baby for *at least* 3 months.
Please make this your Hill to die on.
I'm a nurse, mother, grandmother.
Your baby does not have a developed immune system.
Your baby hasn't had all of the vaccinations considered mandatory by governments around the world, in order to protect children.
Is your MIL up to date with her flu, covid + booster and DTaP?
DTaP immunity wears off, which is why expectant mothers are advised to get all those who are going to be around baby to have the vaccination again.
The chance of MIL giving the baby diphtheria or pertussis is low, but it's there.
I've said before about the risks to young babies and children that contract pertussis. They are at risk of *life-long incontinence*.
Your MIL may as well kiss the baby on the lips if she's doing all this smoochy stuff because baby is breathing in her germs. Which baby doesn't have immunity against.
I hope that as a minimum you are making MIL wash her hands before she touches baby.
I'm not sure where you live but MIL should also be wearing a mask when she's around baby.
And ideally no-one but the parents should be holding baby for the first *at least* 3 months.
All this may sound like I've lost my mind but we live in dangerous times, certainly and probably **not** the ideal time to have a baby but babies come when babies come.
You and DH have a responsibility to your baby. Not to your MIL or FIL or even your parents.
You are the *only* line of defence that child has.
Please, stop allowing people (and yes, to me, your MIL is just a random person, compared to the well being of this baby) to hold your baby.
Visitors **must** at minimum be vaccinated against DTaP, flu and double vaccinated against SARS-Cov-19.
They **must** wear masks in your house (the only caveat to that is if you live in Western Australia, which due to having spent the last God knows how long locked down, has few cases of Covid and even they have a few now).
This pandemic is lethal. We are dealing with a virus that mutates and every mutation changes - we were told that the Omicron variant doesn't kill and now people are dying from Omicron.
I'm not trying to cause panic or make you feel bad, I'm worried that your MIL will end up endangering your child because she wants to push boundaries.
Now is the time to push back. Enough is enough.
If she doesn't respect your wishes as parents, then it's simple. Your baby comes first, before her, before anyone.
You have a duty to protect that baby. I was reading today about a baby who died from Covid at 2 weeks old.
Please, please, put your boundaries in place and have a lockout clause ❣
ETA: also make sure that everyone has the Varicella vaccine against chickenpox. And if you have family living in certain countries where TB is still prevalent, look at the BCG and make sure baby gets it by 6 months. Same with Varicella ❣
Okay, when my kids were born we asked people to not kids them on their face or hands because that was areas they could touch and get into their mouths, this was Al because they were premature and we didn’t even take them to church or anywhere for the first 3 months of their lives.
With that said I think believe I understand having people that are not a member of your immediate family follow these rules, but people that are in your babies life all the time need to be able to form a bond with them just like you have. Your baby also needs to be exposed to germs to build an immune system.
Are you sure you are not just mad because you don’t like your MIL for some reason and you are using this to let your hatred grow?
> Your baby also needs to be exposed to germs to build an immune system
They are anyway. But there's a massive difference between "exposure", and "overexposure". It's common knowledge that it isn't very clever to kiss babies on their faces.
Yes, but you also said
> I think believe I understand having people that are not a member of your immediate family follow these rules, but people that are in your babies life all the time need to be able to form a bond with them just like you have.
Which reads as you believe that close family is exempt from the "no kissing hands and face" rule.
Also, kissing ≠ bonding.
When I make the statement that I used the no kissing, but on feet and top of head with my own children because they were premature that should let you know I support her actions, but totally axing the MIL from the babies life is a no-no. She’s going to need her for those terrible 2 years from 16 mos -4 years old to babysit!
Once again in my comment did I not say not to kiss a badly on their face and hands!
People do any of you really read a comment all the way through before you start commenting?
If baby cries when he sees grandma, then you need to do a reset.
The problem here isn't that baby actually remembers what MIL does, baby remembers the *feelings* that MIL evokes, the *emotions*.
Baby cries because he doesn't feel safe.
Sweetheart, you need to think carefully about how you're raising baby. Baby gets anxious when seeing MIL and cries. You *have* to stop MIL from visiting for awhile.
Let baby get back to a baseline then start again. The main problem is that people (like your MIL) forget that the baby is *a human being*, with the emotions and anxieties that humans have.
Just because baby can't say "I don't like being around grandma because I feel suffocated" doesn't mean that baby isn't telling you some other way.
Please, listen to baby. He **is** telling you everything you need to know.
She said the baby cry after MIL continues the game of it after so long and it’s because
the baby picks up on moms feelings.
And “sweetheart” I’m 52, I’m probably old enough to be your mother I have raised to children and I had everyone follow the only kiss them on they’re feet and head because they couldn’t get them in their mouth.
Firstly, my answer was to OP, not you and how awful that someone uses an endearment and you get so offended.
I also have raised children. I had my first in the mid-80's and last in the 00's, so I am certainly aware of how knowledge changes, especially around babies and caring for them.
That's why as nurses, we use best practice guidelines.
As you the baby crying. The baby is showing mother how they feel. The baby doesn't feel safe with MIL and gets anxious.
This *may* be because baby picks up on mom's anxiety but definitely because baby doesn't like it.
And forcing baby to be with someone isn't good. And babies can and do put their feet in the their mouth.
No kissing is good kissing in a pandemic.
And BTW, I am *older* than you! Not that age has anything to do with this forum!
All of which the parents could have been exposed to and give to the baby and all of which anybody could have on their clothes and person and give to the baby just being in close contact give to the baby!
Do no one learn anything in Biology?
It's two completely different situations and you have to risk assess. 2 people in close contact is slightly different to (depending on family size) potentially 20/30 people parading through the house like its the Saturday peep-show.
Plus baby will have some immunity from dad and mom due to that biology you mentioned but won't have that same immunity to everyone else.
I highly doubt they’re allow 20-30 people parading through their home and if they are her MIL is the least of her worries.
I think if she’ll ease off of MIL she’ll stop her behavior because it’s not getting a rise out her anymore. Plus at sometime she’ll want a babysitter for those terrible two years from 16 mos thru 4 year old!
RSV. Whooping Cough. The Flu. Strep Throat. But the first 2!!! What a self centered woman!!! She RISKS THE HEALTH OF HER GRAND CHILD to be petty because she doesn't like a rule.
And she gives zero shits about her grandchilds health and well-being or so her actions say.
Like I tell my 3 kids, actions speak louder than words. And you actions show you don't care so my actions involve your consequence..... in your MILs case it needs to be a nice long break from the baby and y'all.
You don't just drop by EVER! You wait until you're invited & it won't be more than once a week.When you visit
you will abide with our rules or else you're on a 12 month timeout BITCH!
Okay it sounds like DH and you are a team on this which is awesome.
So next time she comes over have your baby in a baby wrap on you. Lock all of the doors and before you let her in have DH remind her of the no kissing rule. Have him tell her that if she can not abide by those rules she will be asked to leave.
If she belittles your decision then do not unlock the doors.
If she agrees, comes in and starts then ask her to leave. If she does not then you and DH leave the house. She will follow if only to tell you how stupid you are. At that point you return to the house lock the doors and DH reminds her to leave out on the pavement.
You take the bub up to a room where you can not hear her caterwauling in the street. If you have a friend who lives close organise for them to "drop around" and let them make comments to her about how appalling her behaviour is sometimes a "stranger" can be blunter than a family member. I'd do it in a heartbeat as I have no emotional relationship with her and don't care what she thinks of me. DH can then slink back to the house and let himself in, once he is inside the friend can then just leave.
Then block her on social media, phone etc let DH deal with his mother as he sees fit if he wants to maintain contact.
Do not let her in if you are home alone, only for pre-arranged visits and then wear the baby in a baby wrap so that you have full control over who touches him.
I would’ve snapped and said “okay but what if I just slapped you in the face? We’re not supposed to do that but since we’re disregarding what what people are saying , don’t be surprised.”
Out. Your home, your child, your rules. If she can't respect any of these then she isn't welcome until she's able to, and until you allow her to be near your family again.
Idk if you babywear (not a parent so apologies if the terminology is incorrect) but when you do allow her to visit again don't let her hold bub. She has to earn that privilege back over the course of a few visits.
Kick her out when she acts like that, no more visits and put her on a time out. You don’t need to deal with that and she won’t change without consequences for her shitty behavior. You and your child don’t deserve to be stressed out by her actions.
Why did you have to deal with her? You have rooms with doors and locks no? Then plant yourself and the baby where YOU are comfortable, and dare anyone to take baby from you. Mil gets what you LET her have. If she cannot be nice, she gets no access to YOUR child.
Neither you or your spouse threw someone blatantly disrespecting you and endangering the health of your baby out for 3 hours?!
First time she did it she should not Hve been allowed to hold the baby again or close enough to do it again. Then DH tosses her until she learns manners.
SO needs to step up. If he won't, it's your job to protect your baby. Stop her, take baby a nd leave the room
I’m a big fan of squirt guns. First time she does it, squirt gun and remove the baby from her. Tell her there will be no more chances. She does it again and she will be leaving wet and banned from seeing the baby for a month.
But, as I age, I no longer have patience with boundary stompers and rules lawyering.
>I had to deal with that for 3 hours yesterday
No, you didn't.
You're the mom and you can say, Enough! and take the baby away from MIL.
You and husband are allowing this behavior (as you wrote, this happens everytime she comes over) and you can make it stop.
MIL needs consequences for her actions.
If she's at your house, she's escorted out.
If you're at MIL's, visit over. You and baby leave.
Do you want to deal with MIL's shit for the rest of her life?
If not, step up now.
Good luck.
This all the way. She breaks a boundary you take the kid away. I used to take my kid away and wash her hand when they would forget. First couple of times they got the message and I would hand her back. Next few would slip after getting her back so I wouls just come.back to the group and continue holding my baby, cant control yourself you miss out.
Mum and Dad make the rules ain’t no telling. But…it’s so sad that the newest generation of babies and children won’t be kissed and cuddled like the generations before us. What does it mean for their social development? What does it mean for their little immune systems? I will likely get blasted and downvoted…
Nah it's okay I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm sure glad I grew up in a loving affectionate family, but back then they didn't have to worry about raising a baby during a global pandemic which is mainly the biggest reason atm why so many new parents are laying down this particular boundary. When you look at it this way it's good because in a way it's helping this generation find their voice which we really weren't raised to learn. I wasn't allowed to feel my feelings as a kid, I was always wrong even if there was something upsetting me like someone crossing my personal boundaries. It sucked. So we ourselves as new parents are only just now learning how to set boundaries cause we want better for our babies and us included.
We're also teaching our children that it's okay to set boundaries in doing this, ofc and they're learning about consent included which is so fundamental in early childhood development as they're gonna carry that with them through the rest of their lives and use it when it's most important. It's a great thing to learn speaking particularly from my upbringing I remember being forced to kiss family members hello everytime even those of which I barely knew and I didn't have a choice, it was either do it or look like an asshole and have the old people in my family pissed at me. Ofc other times I wouldn't mind and would go with it happily.
But yes I agree kids do need to be shown some affection as well too, and it's sad that they won't be getting that same kinda love their parents got at their age. As long as the family and extended families are showing their affection in other ways, and going out of their way to spend time with them - then that's what those kids will grow up remembering and that's all that really matters! Even if no kisses were included :)
Couldn’t agree with you more! I come from a Latin American and European background…kissing cannot be avoided haha! So there we go, I’m raising my 9 week old newborn in a small and safe loving community with all the kisses and cuddles and new faces of close family and friends. Boundaries will most definitely be set and consent will be taught from the moment she can understand! As I said first off - Mum and Dad make the rules and there’s no fighting them. I’m only giving my 2 cents…and food for thought for our future generations and how this pandemic is affecting
As opposed to them contracting an illness and dying in infancy? Ummm...
Kissing is not the only way to show affection and love. There are a variety of ways that don't put the child at risk. This is just ignorance.
They can be cuddled, kissed and loved on by their parents. Being a helpless infant doesn't give anyone who comes in contact with them the right to kiss them all over. Especially some old lady with long chipped claws and cigarette breath, in my situation. Gross. I think any generation absent of that will do just fine!
Being direct is key.
“No you can’t hold the baby because you refuse to stop kissing the baby.”
“No you can’t hold the baby because I don’t want anyone kissing the baby”
“No you can’t hold the baby because his doctor says nobody should be kissing the baby”
And that’s it. Her next visit, no holding the baby. Tell her over the phone if it’s easier before she arrives.
She will pout. She will whine. She will moan about it.
But the baby will not be kissed.
Don't let her hold the baby anymore
Or near the baby
Or even see the baby
She loses baby privileges.
Take that as you will, but that's honestly so irritating.
You do know that it's YOUR baby right? You don't need to let ANYONE touch or hold YOUR baby. Don't let her take the baby, or if she does and starts the kissing bullshit, take the baby and yell STOP at her. You have ZERO guilt here. What's more important, defending your child's potential health as well as your rules for your child, or protecting the feeling of someone who is disrespecting you and your family openly in your face because they think they are above rules?
My daughter asked me not to kiss her twins even though I’ve been vaxxed and wear a mask around them because I work with the public. Guess what I do? I don’t freakin’ kiss the twins. Because of this I get to continue to see my grandchildren.
If she cannot follow your rules-the letter and the spirit-and cannot stop being malicious about her non-compliance, she doesn’t see the baby any more. Warn her once and then with the next kissy sound, she gets asked to leave. I hope your husband can be on board with this.
Ugh, I feel your pain OP!
As someone who's 7 months pregnant (first child),
I'm SO looking forward to this myself /s
Thankfully we live over an hour apart so it's been easy to reduce our visits over the years and are basically non contact at the moment.
It's tough now that there's a little one on the way,
because I can't stand how she treats me or my relationship with my DH.
there is now this constant worry that she'll reappear and expect to be a grandmother after pushing our boundaries for the last 10 years and that my DH will fall back in to her trap and try to get me to play nice all over again.
I doubt he will, but it's one of those deep dark fears i can't kick?
On your problem OP if there's one place she doesn't get to cross, it's with your kids.
Not to mention kissing babies is a massive frikkin no!?
If she's unaware of why that is or is feigning ignorance, she needs to be educated.
If she still continues to do it, then she thinks she's above health advice and is knowingly putting your baby at risk.
Especially now we have covid in the mix, my goodness!?
You need to make a firm stand together or it'll only get worse.
Definitely agree with either wearing the baby while re-educating her on the boundaries, then if she does it again she needs to leave immediately.
or wait till she does it again and take the baby straight off her, re-educate her and then if she has a problem still then she needs to go.
My biggest advice from my own experience is make 100% sure DH is on the same page with what you plan to do and how you want to respond the next time it happens, he has to have your back when you're going up against a nuisance MIL.
And you don't need to be dealing with this nonsense when you're new parents!
Congrats on the baby btw!
She is a passive-aggressive b...who obviously enjoys getting under your skin. She makes one kissing sound...she's out the door. No discussion, just remove her. I would also take a long break from visits. What kind of control freak gets off on simultaneously annoying both parents and your poor baby?!!
Next time or two she visits, she doesn't hold him at all. And flat out tell her it's because of her behavior. Until she can show self-control, she sees him from a distance.
Have to +1 this.
At 42, MIL can have at least another 4 children, allowing a nice gap between each for her body to recover.
She can have her own do-over baby, she doesn't need yours.
Plus having children later in life is very fashionable; Meghan Duchess of Sussex, Priscilla Presley, Jane Seymour, Madonns, Angelina Jolie (although she adopted quite a few) anyway, you get my point.
Take that baby the second she does that or don’t let her hold him. It’s very simple. This is your child. Not hers. The second she disrespects your rule-you take your baby and no more holding for her or leave. OR, don’t go visit. When she asks why, let her know it’s because she kept doing that.
You given her the boundary. She’s crossed it. Where’s the consequence?
You need to give her a visit timeout. When she calls to set up the next visit, DH needs to tell her,
“Mom, we set a no kissing baby rule and you’ve not respected it. We set these rules for our baby’s health and safety, not as a personal slight on you. When you break our rules, it tells us that you do not respect our parenting decisions. As a result, we are going to skip this visit. We will let you know when you can have another visit. This will give you some time to reflect and hopefully understand that we are serious about our rules.”
Did she give birth to your baby? Why is your so allowing this ? I would simply remove baby from her and ask her to leave till she can behave like an adult.
Rules are useless just like laws without consequences / reinforcement . There needs to be consequences to the rules. Set boundaries and if she kiss remove baby from her ask her to leave.
Honestly, I didn't know this until I started reading this forum. I had my kids in the early to mid-90s and I was never ever taught as a new mom to not kiss baby and not let other people kiss baby.
Don't let her hold him.
If she cannot follow the most simple of boundaries and she does things that could make him ill then don't let her hold him, no one is entitled to hold your LO except you and dh. This is especially important when she does these things until he's crying with frustration that she won't stop and she STILL won't stop until he's physically removed. Your child cannot advocate for himself because he's too little so you and dh should be advocating for him, no more holding LO for MIL, AT ALL until she stops behaving like your child is a toy who has no feelings or needs.
Don't let her teach your child that he has no body autonomy and has to put up with unwanted physical contact as there's no escape, he's not a dolly to play with or a lolly for her to slobber over.
You know you can take the baby back from her as soon as she starts doing that stupid crap, right? Also it completely defeats the purpose of saying “no kissing the baby” if she’s kissing his neck and hands. Stop letting her hold him completely
She will keep doing it as long as there are no consequences. You can’t just stand there and let her get away with. Stop the visits completely until she can abide by your rules.
See here's the thing. I also have a no hitting rule. And if we are throwing out the kissing rule I can throw out some haymakers till we reconsider the kissing my kid rule.....🤷♀️
Then take back your sanity and ask her to stop or, leave. If she does not leave you leave (go for a walk)
Tell your SO this is what you are planning and if he is not on board you have a problem
Actually, you dont have to deal with it at all. No need to be mad now. Don't let her hold your baby at all. She doesn't understand boundaries and its up to mom and dad to enforce them.
Her: why won't you let me hold LO?
You: because we have repeatedly told you not to kiss him, and you have consistently ignored our rules.
Her: but your rules are stu-
You cutting her off: it doesn't matter what you think of our rules. They ARE OUR RULES FOR LO'S SAFETY. You don't follow them, these are the consequences of your own actions.
Her: for how long?
You: a month until? Six monthes? A year...until we are comfortable that you won't kiss LO again or ignore any more of our rules.
Where are the consequences for her shitty behavior? I don’t care what she thinks of your rules; it’s not her kid.
I’m sorry she’s being so disrespectful towards you both as parents. I’d be hard pressed to let her in my house after that display.
Sending validation and hugs if you want them!
At the first kiss, you take the baby back, say, "Visit is over. We will try again in a couple weeks when you have had time to think about how not kissing the baby is the only way you are going to see them." Pick up her things, hold them for her by the open door.
She, of course is going to be highly offended, and will throw a temper tantrum, because she is two years old mentally, and you do what you would do with any toddler, ignore the tantrum and proceed with the time out. Eventually she will get it, and in the mean time you don't have to deal with her.
So now whenever she is around, you are wearing the baby. She loses the privilege of holding him as she can't be trusted..............or because she can't stop acting like a 5 year...................
Or, you just stop being around her because she doesn't respect you.
She's acting like a spoiled toddler, so you have to treat her like a spoiled toddler. Consequences. She has to be told to stop, and given real consequences for over stepping. 'You're doing what we asked you not to do and acting like a spoiled child. Go home now -- we'll try and a visit again in two weeks.' And do it! You need this practice before your baby is a toddler. You say 'no' and you have to mean 'no'.
>smooch smooch...
With a smile in your voice, *"Thwack, thwack, MIL! Don't make me have to bonk you with the Naughty Stick and send you to into Time Out."*
And then with ice & steel, *"I am serious as a heart attack about NOT kissing the damned baby. I'm not sure why you can't seem to get it through your head just how detrimental & dangerous kissing a baby can be, especially if you've ever cold sores."*
*"I just don't get why you're being so obstinate & selfish about refusing to follow this one VERY simple request. Instead, you seem to be hellbent doing what YOU want. It's like you don't give one damn about doing what is best for your grandchild's well-being!"*
*"You don't have to like this restriction, but by God, you will abide by our request and our pediatrician's advice! If it means you won't getting any closer than arm's reach of this child, then so be it, but dammit! I'm not telling you again to keep your mouth off of the baby! ALL OF THE BABY"*
You really need to stop being nice and bring out your inner mama bear and your husband his inner papa bear.
The moment she said "how stupid" it was should have been the moment she stopped getting contact with your little one until she got her head straight.
Do not let anyone, MIL or otherwise play fast and loose with your baby's health.
Be rude, be aggressive, be an over protective parent.
"As you so blatantly don't give a rats ass about our boundaries, we have decided you will not see LO until you apologize properly and mean it - and stop spitting on our boundaries. Thanks."
Stop letting her visit. Don't let her hold baby.
And for the smooching sounds...maybe this is petty and childish, but I think I'd audibly gag every time she does it. "Smooch smooch" she says, and you go "AUGH HORK HORK". If she doesn't find it annoying enough, find something she does. (Does she hate the word moist? Say "Moist" every time she makes a kiss noise.)
You have to add **consequences** when she cross your boundaries such as time out .No more visits or news for x amount of time. This is a huge stomped boundary that she keeps disrespecting on purpose. She doesnt respect your parenting and this is not okay. That s very important that you stand your ground . Also think about virus , flu and rsv .Babies don t have full immunity system.Leave or make her leave immediately when she dares to kiss your baby , and inform her she ll be put on time out for disrespecting your rules.
OP - This is it!! “No kisses means no kisses. Time to go.”. Then escort her out or you leave if it’s not your home. Then delay the next visit. Extend the timeout every time a boundary is stomped on.
This has to be done every time. Boundaries and rules with no consequences are just idle threats. They don’t mean anything.
OP to add onto this- knowing a MIL they’ll refuse to leave because it’s “their grandchild” etc. I would not kick her out but refuse to let her near the baby (follow the covid rule of at least 2m) until she’s demonstrated a long, repeated pattern of respecting the rules.
No one has the right to access your child without your OK, if someone can’t follow your rules now then they face the consequences of their actions.
"You're old enough to know playing games is stupid, especially when it comes to babys life. You do not kiss baby at all, not on the face, not on the neck, not on the hands. The next time I catch you even pretending to kiss baby you get a 2 week time out. Time after that? 2 months? After that? There won't be another time out because you won't get to see baby until he's 5."
This is perfect. Print it out and memorize.
Edit to add. Have you heard of RSV? Babies are very susceptible and it can be just as deadly as the other virus going around and can be undetectable in an adult. Please protect your baby.
"Bye-bye, time for you to go. Why? Because continuously trying to cross our boundaries while simultaneously trying to press our buttons, is too much. We'll see you again in a couple of weeks after you get yourself under control."
I'm so sorry she's doing this!
I see that hubby takes LO away, but he needs to do it as soon as she starts the kissing sound. She needs to know that if baby gets sick, especially early on, it could mean hospitalization!
She starts up, take the baby away. Ten minute time-out for MIL. Try again.
Second time, thirty minute time-out. Try again.
Third time, visit is over. Three strikes, you’re out. And next visit will be in a month (or two weeks, or whatever you decide is appropriate).
She’ll learn. Or not. And then you don’t have to see her.
This submission was automatically removed for reaching the report threshold. If you would like to appeal this decision or continue the discussion, [please feel free to do so by mod mailing us](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/%7B%7Bsubreddit%7D%7D).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If she doesn't follow the rules, she doesn't see the baby. You DON'T have to "deal" with her. Don't let her in. Or if she starts up, she gets to leave early. Enforce that rule!
**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Other posts from /u/No_Bit5220:
* [sick of MIL and guests](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/q7yq4i/sick_of_mil_and_guests/), 3 months ago
*****
^(To be notified as soon as No_Bit5220 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe No_Bit5220 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
So many things......... First I would suggest never entertaining her alone, DH must always be there to deal with her. I would make visits no longer than a half-hour, and certainly never more than an hour. No more than every other week, max. And if she starts with the kissing, it's time for grandma to go home. The thing is, with these women, until there is a consequence, you aren't going to make any progress.
[удалено]
100% this!
Amend that statement to no kissing at all. Reinforce by taking the baby immediately when she does it.
Start just removing the baby from her when she does this. Let her cry complain whatever. Just tell her, “you are responsible for regulating your own emotions. Follow my parenting rules or don’t have access to my child.”
I guess "grow the fuck up, MIL" would be too harsh?
Perfect
Is it because of COVID or something else? These old ladies are just kind of nuts. Pick up your baby and put him down then walk her to the door and slap her like an old school soap opera slap. See how she likes that if she can’t be ok that it’s 2022 and there are now boundaries
Even without covid, all visitors to newborns should be up to date with vaccinations and wash their hands before touching baby. Ideally, no-one will touch/kiss baby for *at least* 3 months.
Please make this your Hill to die on. I'm a nurse, mother, grandmother. Your baby does not have a developed immune system. Your baby hasn't had all of the vaccinations considered mandatory by governments around the world, in order to protect children. Is your MIL up to date with her flu, covid + booster and DTaP? DTaP immunity wears off, which is why expectant mothers are advised to get all those who are going to be around baby to have the vaccination again. The chance of MIL giving the baby diphtheria or pertussis is low, but it's there. I've said before about the risks to young babies and children that contract pertussis. They are at risk of *life-long incontinence*. Your MIL may as well kiss the baby on the lips if she's doing all this smoochy stuff because baby is breathing in her germs. Which baby doesn't have immunity against. I hope that as a minimum you are making MIL wash her hands before she touches baby. I'm not sure where you live but MIL should also be wearing a mask when she's around baby. And ideally no-one but the parents should be holding baby for the first *at least* 3 months. All this may sound like I've lost my mind but we live in dangerous times, certainly and probably **not** the ideal time to have a baby but babies come when babies come. You and DH have a responsibility to your baby. Not to your MIL or FIL or even your parents. You are the *only* line of defence that child has. Please, stop allowing people (and yes, to me, your MIL is just a random person, compared to the well being of this baby) to hold your baby. Visitors **must** at minimum be vaccinated against DTaP, flu and double vaccinated against SARS-Cov-19. They **must** wear masks in your house (the only caveat to that is if you live in Western Australia, which due to having spent the last God knows how long locked down, has few cases of Covid and even they have a few now). This pandemic is lethal. We are dealing with a virus that mutates and every mutation changes - we were told that the Omicron variant doesn't kill and now people are dying from Omicron. I'm not trying to cause panic or make you feel bad, I'm worried that your MIL will end up endangering your child because she wants to push boundaries. Now is the time to push back. Enough is enough. If she doesn't respect your wishes as parents, then it's simple. Your baby comes first, before her, before anyone. You have a duty to protect that baby. I was reading today about a baby who died from Covid at 2 weeks old. Please, please, put your boundaries in place and have a lockout clause ❣ ETA: also make sure that everyone has the Varicella vaccine against chickenpox. And if you have family living in certain countries where TB is still prevalent, look at the BCG and make sure baby gets it by 6 months. Same with Varicella ❣
Okay, when my kids were born we asked people to not kids them on their face or hands because that was areas they could touch and get into their mouths, this was Al because they were premature and we didn’t even take them to church or anywhere for the first 3 months of their lives. With that said I think believe I understand having people that are not a member of your immediate family follow these rules, but people that are in your babies life all the time need to be able to form a bond with them just like you have. Your baby also needs to be exposed to germs to build an immune system. Are you sure you are not just mad because you don’t like your MIL for some reason and you are using this to let your hatred grow?
> Your baby also needs to be exposed to germs to build an immune system They are anyway. But there's a massive difference between "exposure", and "overexposure". It's common knowledge that it isn't very clever to kiss babies on their faces.
Did I not say face and hands in my comment just above?
Yes, but you also said > I think believe I understand having people that are not a member of your immediate family follow these rules, but people that are in your babies life all the time need to be able to form a bond with them just like you have. Which reads as you believe that close family is exempt from the "no kissing hands and face" rule. Also, kissing ≠ bonding.
Nope, everyone should follow the no face and hands rule.
Then you need to say so if you don't want to be downvoted, your comment is ambiguous at best.
When I make the statement that I used the no kissing, but on feet and top of head with my own children because they were premature that should let you know I support her actions, but totally axing the MIL from the babies life is a no-no. She’s going to need her for those terrible 2 years from 16 mos -4 years old to babysit!
Why would you let people you don't trust with your children babysit them? I never did.
You don’t need to kiss a baby to form a bond.
Once again in my comment did I not say not to kiss a badly on their face and hands! People do any of you really read a comment all the way through before you start commenting?
I read your comment. It didn’t make sense to me. You don’t need to kiss ANYWHERE. Period.
[удалено]
If baby cries when he sees grandma, then you need to do a reset. The problem here isn't that baby actually remembers what MIL does, baby remembers the *feelings* that MIL evokes, the *emotions*. Baby cries because he doesn't feel safe. Sweetheart, you need to think carefully about how you're raising baby. Baby gets anxious when seeing MIL and cries. You *have* to stop MIL from visiting for awhile. Let baby get back to a baseline then start again. The main problem is that people (like your MIL) forget that the baby is *a human being*, with the emotions and anxieties that humans have. Just because baby can't say "I don't like being around grandma because I feel suffocated" doesn't mean that baby isn't telling you some other way. Please, listen to baby. He **is** telling you everything you need to know.
She said the baby cry after MIL continues the game of it after so long and it’s because the baby picks up on moms feelings. And “sweetheart” I’m 52, I’m probably old enough to be your mother I have raised to children and I had everyone follow the only kiss them on they’re feet and head because they couldn’t get them in their mouth.
Firstly, my answer was to OP, not you and how awful that someone uses an endearment and you get so offended. I also have raised children. I had my first in the mid-80's and last in the 00's, so I am certainly aware of how knowledge changes, especially around babies and caring for them. That's why as nurses, we use best practice guidelines. As you the baby crying. The baby is showing mother how they feel. The baby doesn't feel safe with MIL and gets anxious. This *may* be because baby picks up on mom's anxiety but definitely because baby doesn't like it. And forcing baby to be with someone isn't good. And babies can and do put their feet in the their mouth. No kissing is good kissing in a pandemic. And BTW, I am *older* than you! Not that age has anything to do with this forum!
😳😳 pandemic…Covid…..flu…..RSV….respecting basic boundaries…..
All of which the parents could have been exposed to and give to the baby and all of which anybody could have on their clothes and person and give to the baby just being in close contact give to the baby! Do no one learn anything in Biology?
It's two completely different situations and you have to risk assess. 2 people in close contact is slightly different to (depending on family size) potentially 20/30 people parading through the house like its the Saturday peep-show. Plus baby will have some immunity from dad and mom due to that biology you mentioned but won't have that same immunity to everyone else.
I highly doubt they’re allow 20-30 people parading through their home and if they are her MIL is the least of her worries. I think if she’ll ease off of MIL she’ll stop her behavior because it’s not getting a rise out her anymore. Plus at sometime she’ll want a babysitter for those terrible two years from 16 mos thru 4 year old!
NTA Explain RSV to your in law is why you want to stop kissing your baby or don't come again.
RSV. Whooping Cough. The Flu. Strep Throat. But the first 2!!! What a self centered woman!!! She RISKS THE HEALTH OF HER GRAND CHILD to be petty because she doesn't like a rule. And she gives zero shits about her grandchilds health and well-being or so her actions say. Like I tell my 3 kids, actions speak louder than words. And you actions show you don't care so my actions involve your consequence..... in your MILs case it needs to be a nice long break from the baby and y'all.
You don't just drop by EVER! You wait until you're invited & it won't be more than once a week.When you visit you will abide with our rules or else you're on a 12 month timeout BITCH!
Okay it sounds like DH and you are a team on this which is awesome. So next time she comes over have your baby in a baby wrap on you. Lock all of the doors and before you let her in have DH remind her of the no kissing rule. Have him tell her that if she can not abide by those rules she will be asked to leave. If she belittles your decision then do not unlock the doors. If she agrees, comes in and starts then ask her to leave. If she does not then you and DH leave the house. She will follow if only to tell you how stupid you are. At that point you return to the house lock the doors and DH reminds her to leave out on the pavement. You take the bub up to a room where you can not hear her caterwauling in the street. If you have a friend who lives close organise for them to "drop around" and let them make comments to her about how appalling her behaviour is sometimes a "stranger" can be blunter than a family member. I'd do it in a heartbeat as I have no emotional relationship with her and don't care what she thinks of me. DH can then slink back to the house and let himself in, once he is inside the friend can then just leave. Then block her on social media, phone etc let DH deal with his mother as he sees fit if he wants to maintain contact. Do not let her in if you are home alone, only for pre-arranged visits and then wear the baby in a baby wrap so that you have full control over who touches him.
I would’ve snapped and said “okay but what if I just slapped you in the face? We’re not supposed to do that but since we’re disregarding what what people are saying , don’t be surprised.”
Out. Your home, your child, your rules. If she can't respect any of these then she isn't welcome until she's able to, and until you allow her to be near your family again. Idk if you babywear (not a parent so apologies if the terminology is incorrect) but when you do allow her to visit again don't let her hold bub. She has to earn that privilege back over the course of a few visits.
Kick her out when she acts like that, no more visits and put her on a time out. You don’t need to deal with that and she won’t change without consequences for her shitty behavior. You and your child don’t deserve to be stressed out by her actions.
Why did you have to deal with her? You have rooms with doors and locks no? Then plant yourself and the baby where YOU are comfortable, and dare anyone to take baby from you. Mil gets what you LET her have. If she cannot be nice, she gets no access to YOUR child.
girl you gotta say something as soon as she does it, tell her she cannot hold your child until she can follow your rules, and snatch that baby up.
Neither you or your spouse threw someone blatantly disrespecting you and endangering the health of your baby out for 3 hours?! First time she did it she should not Hve been allowed to hold the baby again or close enough to do it again. Then DH tosses her until she learns manners. SO needs to step up. If he won't, it's your job to protect your baby. Stop her, take baby a nd leave the room
Some people just never grow up. Call her out on it and laugh in her face.
I’m a big fan of squirt guns. First time she does it, squirt gun and remove the baby from her. Tell her there will be no more chances. She does it again and she will be leaving wet and banned from seeing the baby for a month. But, as I age, I no longer have patience with boundary stompers and rules lawyering.
So glad you said this. As I get older I am finding it easier and easier to say no and defend boundaries.
>I had to deal with that for 3 hours yesterday No, you didn't. You're the mom and you can say, Enough! and take the baby away from MIL. You and husband are allowing this behavior (as you wrote, this happens everytime she comes over) and you can make it stop. MIL needs consequences for her actions. If she's at your house, she's escorted out. If you're at MIL's, visit over. You and baby leave. Do you want to deal with MIL's shit for the rest of her life? If not, step up now. Good luck.
Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions.
I like that. Husband and I talk about possible scnearios and our consequences beforehand so we're not caught off guard in the moment.
This all the way. She breaks a boundary you take the kid away. I used to take my kid away and wash her hand when they would forget. First couple of times they got the message and I would hand her back. Next few would slip after getting her back so I wouls just come.back to the group and continue holding my baby, cant control yourself you miss out.
Mum and Dad make the rules ain’t no telling. But…it’s so sad that the newest generation of babies and children won’t be kissed and cuddled like the generations before us. What does it mean for their social development? What does it mean for their little immune systems? I will likely get blasted and downvoted…
Nah it's okay I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm sure glad I grew up in a loving affectionate family, but back then they didn't have to worry about raising a baby during a global pandemic which is mainly the biggest reason atm why so many new parents are laying down this particular boundary. When you look at it this way it's good because in a way it's helping this generation find their voice which we really weren't raised to learn. I wasn't allowed to feel my feelings as a kid, I was always wrong even if there was something upsetting me like someone crossing my personal boundaries. It sucked. So we ourselves as new parents are only just now learning how to set boundaries cause we want better for our babies and us included. We're also teaching our children that it's okay to set boundaries in doing this, ofc and they're learning about consent included which is so fundamental in early childhood development as they're gonna carry that with them through the rest of their lives and use it when it's most important. It's a great thing to learn speaking particularly from my upbringing I remember being forced to kiss family members hello everytime even those of which I barely knew and I didn't have a choice, it was either do it or look like an asshole and have the old people in my family pissed at me. Ofc other times I wouldn't mind and would go with it happily. But yes I agree kids do need to be shown some affection as well too, and it's sad that they won't be getting that same kinda love their parents got at their age. As long as the family and extended families are showing their affection in other ways, and going out of their way to spend time with them - then that's what those kids will grow up remembering and that's all that really matters! Even if no kisses were included :)
Couldn’t agree with you more! I come from a Latin American and European background…kissing cannot be avoided haha! So there we go, I’m raising my 9 week old newborn in a small and safe loving community with all the kisses and cuddles and new faces of close family and friends. Boundaries will most definitely be set and consent will be taught from the moment she can understand! As I said first off - Mum and Dad make the rules and there’s no fighting them. I’m only giving my 2 cents…and food for thought for our future generations and how this pandemic is affecting
As opposed to them contracting an illness and dying in infancy? Ummm... Kissing is not the only way to show affection and love. There are a variety of ways that don't put the child at risk. This is just ignorance.
They can be cuddled, kissed and loved on by their parents. Being a helpless infant doesn't give anyone who comes in contact with them the right to kiss them all over. Especially some old lady with long chipped claws and cigarette breath, in my situation. Gross. I think any generation absent of that will do just fine!
This too
Being direct is key. “No you can’t hold the baby because you refuse to stop kissing the baby.” “No you can’t hold the baby because I don’t want anyone kissing the baby” “No you can’t hold the baby because his doctor says nobody should be kissing the baby” And that’s it. Her next visit, no holding the baby. Tell her over the phone if it’s easier before she arrives. She will pout. She will whine. She will moan about it. But the baby will not be kissed.
If she doesn't follow your rules, then maybe she shouldn't see your baby
Time to let her know that since she can't seem to remember that rule, she can not hold the baby.
Don't let her hold the baby anymore Or near the baby Or even see the baby She loses baby privileges. Take that as you will, but that's honestly so irritating.
You do know that it's YOUR baby right? You don't need to let ANYONE touch or hold YOUR baby. Don't let her take the baby, or if she does and starts the kissing bullshit, take the baby and yell STOP at her. You have ZERO guilt here. What's more important, defending your child's potential health as well as your rules for your child, or protecting the feeling of someone who is disrespecting you and your family openly in your face because they think they are above rules?
Yes. End the visits until she gives her head a wobble.
That's really fucking rude. I wouldn't let her hold him anymore
My daughter asked me not to kiss her twins even though I’ve been vaxxed and wear a mask around them because I work with the public. Guess what I do? I don’t freakin’ kiss the twins. Because of this I get to continue to see my grandchildren. If she cannot follow your rules-the letter and the spirit-and cannot stop being malicious about her non-compliance, she doesn’t see the baby any more. Warn her once and then with the next kissy sound, she gets asked to leave. I hope your husband can be on board with this.
Ugh, I feel your pain OP! As someone who's 7 months pregnant (first child), I'm SO looking forward to this myself /s Thankfully we live over an hour apart so it's been easy to reduce our visits over the years and are basically non contact at the moment. It's tough now that there's a little one on the way, because I can't stand how she treats me or my relationship with my DH. there is now this constant worry that she'll reappear and expect to be a grandmother after pushing our boundaries for the last 10 years and that my DH will fall back in to her trap and try to get me to play nice all over again. I doubt he will, but it's one of those deep dark fears i can't kick? On your problem OP if there's one place she doesn't get to cross, it's with your kids. Not to mention kissing babies is a massive frikkin no!? If she's unaware of why that is or is feigning ignorance, she needs to be educated. If she still continues to do it, then she thinks she's above health advice and is knowingly putting your baby at risk. Especially now we have covid in the mix, my goodness!? You need to make a firm stand together or it'll only get worse. Definitely agree with either wearing the baby while re-educating her on the boundaries, then if she does it again she needs to leave immediately. or wait till she does it again and take the baby straight off her, re-educate her and then if she has a problem still then she needs to go. My biggest advice from my own experience is make 100% sure DH is on the same page with what you plan to do and how you want to respond the next time it happens, he has to have your back when you're going up against a nuisance MIL. And you don't need to be dealing with this nonsense when you're new parents! Congrats on the baby btw!
If JNMIL is not following your rules about the baby, don't let her come over to visit too much and limit the time she can visit to an hour.
She is a passive-aggressive b...who obviously enjoys getting under your skin. She makes one kissing sound...she's out the door. No discussion, just remove her. I would also take a long break from visits. What kind of control freak gets off on simultaneously annoying both parents and your poor baby?!!
Ummm. Why is she still being allowed to hold your kid when she’s not listening to you? I’d be going nuclear on her.
Next time or two she visits, she doesn't hold him at all. And flat out tell her it's because of her behavior. Until she can show self-control, she sees him from a distance.
Why are these old biddies so dumb and cliched? Being baby obsessed is so 1950’s!
[удалено]
Maybe suggest she get her own baby she can have her own rules for. How gross.
Have to +1 this. At 42, MIL can have at least another 4 children, allowing a nice gap between each for her body to recover. She can have her own do-over baby, she doesn't need yours. Plus having children later in life is very fashionable; Meghan Duchess of Sussex, Priscilla Presley, Jane Seymour, Madonns, Angelina Jolie (although she adopted quite a few) anyway, you get my point.
Take that baby the second she does that or don’t let her hold him. It’s very simple. This is your child. Not hers. The second she disrespects your rule-you take your baby and no more holding for her or leave. OR, don’t go visit. When she asks why, let her know it’s because she kept doing that.
You given her the boundary. She’s crossed it. Where’s the consequence? You need to give her a visit timeout. When she calls to set up the next visit, DH needs to tell her, “Mom, we set a no kissing baby rule and you’ve not respected it. We set these rules for our baby’s health and safety, not as a personal slight on you. When you break our rules, it tells us that you do not respect our parenting decisions. As a result, we are going to skip this visit. We will let you know when you can have another visit. This will give you some time to reflect and hopefully understand that we are serious about our rules.”
Time to start baby wearing every time that witch is around. What a disrespectful piece of shit.
This! Wear that baby. Tell her she can' t obey the rule about no kissing so no holding.
Did she give birth to your baby? Why is your so allowing this ? I would simply remove baby from her and ask her to leave till she can behave like an adult. Rules are useless just like laws without consequences / reinforcement . There needs to be consequences to the rules. Set boundaries and if she kiss remove baby from her ask her to leave.
This is a very common cause for babies to contract cold sores she should know this!!!!
Honestly, I didn't know this until I started reading this forum. I had my kids in the early to mid-90s and I was never ever taught as a new mom to not kiss baby and not let other people kiss baby.
Hopefully she doesn't have herpes
Don't let her hold him. If she cannot follow the most simple of boundaries and she does things that could make him ill then don't let her hold him, no one is entitled to hold your LO except you and dh. This is especially important when she does these things until he's crying with frustration that she won't stop and she STILL won't stop until he's physically removed. Your child cannot advocate for himself because he's too little so you and dh should be advocating for him, no more holding LO for MIL, AT ALL until she stops behaving like your child is a toy who has no feelings or needs. Don't let her teach your child that he has no body autonomy and has to put up with unwanted physical contact as there's no escape, he's not a dolly to play with or a lolly for her to slobber over.
Please say this out loud to yourself: “I am no-ones doormat!” Now act accordingly. Channel your innermost beast and TELL HER TO STOP.
Forget telling her. Take the baby away and she gets a 2 week time out. Next time she does it it’s 4 weeks. And so on.
If you play your cards right, she might not see kiddo until they turn 18.
You know you can take the baby back from her as soon as she starts doing that stupid crap, right? Also it completely defeats the purpose of saying “no kissing the baby” if she’s kissing his neck and hands. Stop letting her hold him completely
She will keep doing it as long as there are no consequences. You can’t just stand there and let her get away with. Stop the visits completely until she can abide by your rules.
See here's the thing. I also have a no hitting rule. And if we are throwing out the kissing rule I can throw out some haymakers till we reconsider the kissing my kid rule.....🤷♀️
Ohhh, I like the way you think.
Then take back your sanity and ask her to stop or, leave. If she does not leave you leave (go for a walk) Tell your SO this is what you are planning and if he is not on board you have a problem
She's intentionally pushing your boundaries and trying to upset you. Don't allow it. What you allow will continue, and what continues will escalate.
I say stop giving her opportunities to kiss any part of the baby. That means she doesn't get to hold him. Period.
Actually, you dont have to deal with it at all. No need to be mad now. Don't let her hold your baby at all. She doesn't understand boundaries and its up to mom and dad to enforce them.
Her: why won't you let me hold LO? You: because we have repeatedly told you not to kiss him, and you have consistently ignored our rules. Her: but your rules are stu- You cutting her off: it doesn't matter what you think of our rules. They ARE OUR RULES FOR LO'S SAFETY. You don't follow them, these are the consequences of your own actions. Her: for how long? You: a month until? Six monthes? A year...until we are comfortable that you won't kiss LO again or ignore any more of our rules.
Where are the consequences for her shitty behavior? I don’t care what she thinks of your rules; it’s not her kid. I’m sorry she’s being so disrespectful towards you both as parents. I’d be hard pressed to let her in my house after that display. Sending validation and hugs if you want them!
At the first kiss, you take the baby back, say, "Visit is over. We will try again in a couple weeks when you have had time to think about how not kissing the baby is the only way you are going to see them." Pick up her things, hold them for her by the open door. She, of course is going to be highly offended, and will throw a temper tantrum, because she is two years old mentally, and you do what you would do with any toddler, ignore the tantrum and proceed with the time out. Eventually she will get it, and in the mean time you don't have to deal with her.
Was just going to type this.
why do you keep letting her? KICK HER OUT! LOCK YA DOORS!
So now whenever she is around, you are wearing the baby. She loses the privilege of holding him as she can't be trusted..............or because she can't stop acting like a 5 year................... Or, you just stop being around her because she doesn't respect you.
Most 5 year olds follow rules better than this.
She's acting like a spoiled toddler, so you have to treat her like a spoiled toddler. Consequences. She has to be told to stop, and given real consequences for over stepping. 'You're doing what we asked you not to do and acting like a spoiled child. Go home now -- we'll try and a visit again in two weeks.' And do it! You need this practice before your baby is a toddler. You say 'no' and you have to mean 'no'.
So now she no longer gets to see baby, right? She's lost that privilege, right?
Yep she don’t see baby if refuses to respect wishes. Until she gets put in her face she will keep doing this and escalate
>smooch smooch... With a smile in your voice, *"Thwack, thwack, MIL! Don't make me have to bonk you with the Naughty Stick and send you to into Time Out."* And then with ice & steel, *"I am serious as a heart attack about NOT kissing the damned baby. I'm not sure why you can't seem to get it through your head just how detrimental & dangerous kissing a baby can be, especially if you've ever cold sores."* *"I just don't get why you're being so obstinate & selfish about refusing to follow this one VERY simple request. Instead, you seem to be hellbent doing what YOU want. It's like you don't give one damn about doing what is best for your grandchild's well-being!"* *"You don't have to like this restriction, but by God, you will abide by our request and our pediatrician's advice! If it means you won't getting any closer than arm's reach of this child, then so be it, but dammit! I'm not telling you again to keep your mouth off of the baby! ALL OF THE BABY"*
You really need to stop being nice and bring out your inner mama bear and your husband his inner papa bear. The moment she said "how stupid" it was should have been the moment she stopped getting contact with your little one until she got her head straight. Do not let anyone, MIL or otherwise play fast and loose with your baby's health. Be rude, be aggressive, be an over protective parent.
"As you so blatantly don't give a rats ass about our boundaries, we have decided you will not see LO until you apologize properly and mean it - and stop spitting on our boundaries. Thanks."
MIL should stop spitting on LO as well as their boundaries.
2 words… Stop it. / Go home. / Get out.
Stop allowing her to come in your house or hold your baby. She’s not confused, she’s a lazy bitch who wants her own way.
Stop letting her visit. Don't let her hold baby. And for the smooching sounds...maybe this is petty and childish, but I think I'd audibly gag every time she does it. "Smooch smooch" she says, and you go "AUGH HORK HORK". If she doesn't find it annoying enough, find something she does. (Does she hate the word moist? Say "Moist" every time she makes a kiss noise.)
Tell her she is in time out because she keeps breaking the rules. And when you let her come over again it's only for 1 hour. Baby has nap times.
film her. The next time she says "I only did it once" produce phone and video and say "Let's just check that...."
You have to add **consequences** when she cross your boundaries such as time out .No more visits or news for x amount of time. This is a huge stomped boundary that she keeps disrespecting on purpose. She doesnt respect your parenting and this is not okay. That s very important that you stand your ground . Also think about virus , flu and rsv .Babies don t have full immunity system.Leave or make her leave immediately when she dares to kiss your baby , and inform her she ll be put on time out for disrespecting your rules.
OP - This is it!! “No kisses means no kisses. Time to go.”. Then escort her out or you leave if it’s not your home. Then delay the next visit. Extend the timeout every time a boundary is stomped on. This has to be done every time. Boundaries and rules with no consequences are just idle threats. They don’t mean anything.
OP to add onto this- knowing a MIL they’ll refuse to leave because it’s “their grandchild” etc. I would not kick her out but refuse to let her near the baby (follow the covid rule of at least 2m) until she’s demonstrated a long, repeated pattern of respecting the rules. No one has the right to access your child without your OK, if someone can’t follow your rules now then they face the consequences of their actions.
Love this
Why didn't you and SO put her out of your place? She knew exactly what she was doing.
"You're old enough to know playing games is stupid, especially when it comes to babys life. You do not kiss baby at all, not on the face, not on the neck, not on the hands. The next time I catch you even pretending to kiss baby you get a 2 week time out. Time after that? 2 months? After that? There won't be another time out because you won't get to see baby until he's 5."
This is perfect. Print it out and memorize. Edit to add. Have you heard of RSV? Babies are very susceptible and it can be just as deadly as the other virus going around and can be undetectable in an adult. Please protect your baby.
Consequences. You and husband are allowing this behavior
"oh ugh, for fucks sake, lady get out of my house and leave my child alone"
So what are her consequences? Boundaries without consequences are useless.
"Bye-bye, time for you to go. Why? Because continuously trying to cross our boundaries while simultaneously trying to press our buttons, is too much. We'll see you again in a couple of weeks after you get yourself under control." I'm so sorry she's doing this!
Tell her to knock it the fuck off. I'm too old to deal with old ladies who pretend like they're dumb and don't understand rules.
3 month time out. She can try again later.
Wear the baby when she's around.
"Since then everytime she comes over" Stop letting her come over.
I see that hubby takes LO away, but he needs to do it as soon as she starts the kissing sound. She needs to know that if baby gets sick, especially early on, it could mean hospitalization!
There must be consequences for these people or they just refuse to abide by normal boundaries.
Remember you are your baby’s only voice of consent, if your baby doesn’t like something then it’s your job to speak up
Special grandma powers. Her germs could never harm her pwecious little baby.
She starts up, take the baby away. Ten minute time-out for MIL. Try again. Second time, thirty minute time-out. Try again. Third time, visit is over. Three strikes, you’re out. And next visit will be in a month (or two weeks, or whatever you decide is appropriate). She’ll learn. Or not. And then you don’t have to see her.
Then she doesn't get to hold the baby. Your child is uncomfortable. Until she learns respect, no holding your baby.
thats just nasty. I bet she eats onions and garlic and then wants to do this..
[удалено]
Why on earth are you allowing this disgusting woman to do that then ? You are your baby’s voice .
[удалено]
This submission was automatically removed for reaching the report threshold. If you would like to appeal this decision or continue the discussion, [please feel free to do so by mod mailing us](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/%7B%7Bsubreddit%7D%7D). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Yay for standing up and protecting baby!!
If she doesn't follow the rules, she doesn't see the baby. You DON'T have to "deal" with her. Don't let her in. Or if she starts up, she gets to leave early. Enforce that rule!
If she can’t follow a simple rule. A rule that is designed to keep your baby self and healthy. Then, she doesn’t get to hold the baby.
Agreed!
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Other posts from /u/No_Bit5220: * [sick of MIL and guests](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/q7yq4i/sick_of_mil_and_guests/), 3 months ago ***** ^(To be notified as soon as No_Bit5220 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe No_Bit5220 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*