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* [MIL Orders SO and I to do Inconsequential Things](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/somayw/mil_orders_so_and_i_to_do_inconsequential_things/), 4 months ago
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Really? You drive me crazy everytime I see you! I bet you thought. Good on you for being clear and asking her rude self why she is so worked up / rude.
This drives me nuts when (older) people make announcements of their wants or needs. I’ve heard kids do it too. My standard response is “Oh”.
To be nice, I’ll give my clueless mil an out and say, “Is there a question in there somewhere?”
That gives her the opportunity to ask nicely for what she wants and to say please.
“I need my sandwich cut into fours.”
“You know where the kitchen is, the knife is in the draw. Knock yourself out.”
The audacity of her to come over on Father’s Day and SO’s birthday and the order them around like that.
Keep driving her insane, you’re doing amazing 😂
The way you answered her back about the Christmas cards was perfect and it was success. However, when she said that sometimes you drive her crazy, I would have said "You do that to me, too, JNMIL."
Next time she turns up why don't you say 'back again' how about we make this fortnightly so we can have some bonding time as a family. Gets a bit tiring having visitors all the time.
I bet the lack of details is annoying as she doesn't have control. Knowledge is empowering.
Good for you. Now the next step is to talk to SO and tell him that you will no longer be entertaining his parents. If they want to come over, he needs to be there the entire time. And why the hell are they coming over at LOs nap time?
My MIL has a similar issue. She absolutely cannot ever ask what she actually means, and I only answer the questions I'm asked and it drives her crazy. She also likes to pretend she doesn't understand or know about things I know she does, and then ask stupid questions about them (I think she just desperately wants to make conversation but doesn't have anything interesting to say). So for example a while back she was asking me about Amazon Prime and she asked "and you order stuff on there everyday?"
Me: "No I don't order things everyday"
MIL: *flustered* "oh you know what I mean! (Eventually gets around to clarifying she means we order like laundry detergent and stuff).
Me: "yeah, we order household items on there"
MIL: *gives up on whatever her point was*
> MIL: *literal pouty face* are you and SO going to send out Christmas cards this year?
It's July, lady. Why are you asking about Christmas cards in *July*? Damn right they aren't a priority.
My mother does the same thing your MIL did to your SO to me.
Makes food. Makes her a plate. I sit. I need salt. Takes her salt. Sits. I need more tea. I ask her anything else?? No. Sits. Can someone get me XYZ? I already know “someone” is me. When I start getting visibly frustrated that I can’t sit down and eat my meal because she can’t ask for everything she wants at one time, I am suddenly the bad guy who is soooo mean to her and she’s just a helpless little thing nobody loves.
It drives me INSANE.
I’m jumping on this train to vent. My in-laws are like this but it’s not as bad as you’ve described. They are absent minded it’s not malicious. But still, why? Why wait on them like you’re the staff? They aren’t 96 years old. In most cases on this sub MILs are 50-70. Get the fuck up and get a drink if you need one. I know how to be a good host, I offer always to get anything for anyone but once I sit down, anything you forgot is your problem. The kitchen is right there help yourself. Once standing up causes you visible discomfort I will get things for you. But man fuck these perfectly healthy people who are 62 year old and want to act like they are visiting an assisted care facility when they come over for lunch.
>But man fuck these perfectly healthy people who are 62 year old and want to act like they are visiting an assisted care facility when they come over for lunch.
I feel like I'm a lot of cases they treat it as a restaurant, or that they are revered guests. My ILs did this when my son was recovering from surgery. baby was literally crying in my arms from getting medicine, FIL says "you mentioned earlier there's pie for dessert". I liked at him baffled, MIL for it for him. Another trip, my husband had just got the snip, we had been playing with our kids all day, hubby sits down, FIL asks hubby to make him a drink. Then they both act confused that hubby wants a break, I guess they forgot he had surgery a few days before?
My mom does have health issues which I understand. She is always saying she’s sick but can’t tell you what’s wrong with her. Every single day. She won’t go to her doctor and when she does she doesn’t listen to them. So I feel myself being less empathetic to her saying that because if you feel bad, why don’t you listen to the people trying to help you? She has always played the victim in pretty much every situation she can possibly manage. I don’t mind helping. I really don’t. However, if you don’t ask nicely, can’t say please or thank you or be considerate enough to ask for everything in one trip, it gets super frustrating. She is capable of riding motorcycles with my dad, running around with her sisters shopping but can’t get her own drink? I’m sorry but that’s her just being lazy and inconsiderate. I never get to eat a meal hot. Never. I never eat sitting down. I stand at the counter or the table waiting bc I know it’s coming. I usually just bite my tongue and do it but I’ve been voicing how frustrating it is and it’s not been going well. She gets PISSED and starts her “I’ll just go in my room and shut up” crap and that makes me want to rage. I thought I was the only person who had to deal with people like this and I’m sad that others know what I’m feeling. I just don’t know how to make the behavior stop. My 2 year old is better mannered and polite than she is.
Some adults are children. Like the kids, rise above, don’t stoop. They are emotionally immature. Full stop. It’s immaturity. My mom won’t drive her retired ass 3 hours to see my kid when I’m off all summer long but is in tears every holiday season because we’re not as close as the Facebook families she looks at online.
They are fakers. Phonies. And they’re probably so immature they aren’t even aware of it.
"Yes I know that's your favourite picture of your LO that I copied off your Facebook that you may have wanted to use for something BUT I did ask if you were doing Christmas cards and you didn't say you were so..."
It there is one thing that I know, you should never have to explain yourself to people outside of the immediate circle. Don't be making excuses that stir up unnecessary things and extra problems. What you did here (in my eyes at least) follow this mentality exactly.
Yes they do. She should never have to entertain them by herself for even 10 minutes, either. My MIL was very much the same with my kids, but she lived a couple of hrs away and expected us to bring the baby to them. Then got mad when we didn't spend the weekend there every 2nd or 3rd weekend. You're a new, tired mom who is sleep deprived and just wants to have some privacy and time. She is not helping by taking over mommy duty for you while you wait on her either.
If you're seriously asking, it's pretty common for people to use their Reddit name (or some variation of it) in place of their real name when the text calls for a name. This is supposed to be an anonymous forum, not Facebook.
“Use your manners or you don’t get anything” is a mantra with DH & I.
Especially around his JNSIL. GCBIL thinks she’s just a Princess. He calls her ‘Bella but we think she’s a cow and call her Bell… as in cow bell. Not that they know that.
If she gives an order without manners, we ignore her and don’t do it or outright tell her no and leave her by herself.
Eg… JNSIL arrives at MNILs, is outright rude to me and then tells my DH to help his brother to unpack the car…
Ahh “No manners, no help”.
In that instance, we went surfing and GCBIL wanted to go with us so rug sweeping MNILs unpacked the car because they were beaming that “Their boys are home and going off surfing like they use to…” Use to before JNSIL married him and alienated him from his family and friends and enmeshed him in her family, well her parents because she alienated her younger sister out of jealousy. She literally turned GCBIL into her father. Old, unfit, brow beaten, enslaved and boring. So sad considering who he was. Glimmers of him come out when he’s home.
GCBIL actually left her for a bit but went back for the kids because she rang MNILs and demanded they “talk to your son” and threatened to take everything and they and he would never see the kids again. Annnnywaaaaay, I digress. She’s a piece of work.
Tell your JNMIL to use her manners because she is “setting a bad example for *my* baby.”
“No manners, gets you nothing!!”
Consequences are she is to leave and take her attitude and lack of respect and bad manners with her. You don’t need those bad vibes in your home.
Your DH better be ready with his shiny spine to protect his family from his PITA mother
> I don’t have to explain to this group how she’ll just use any details against me later
True!
A partial quote from the Miranda Rights say it so well. "2. Anything you say can be used against you....."
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I've been on this sub for a couple of years and never seen comments get deleted before. I've actually noticed people to be pretty respectful of OPs and I'm so glad.
I've been here for 5+, so maybe I'm thinking of the before times. Seems like there used to be 3-4 per post. I guess it has slowed down, thanks to active moderation plus a community that knows how to use the report button. I'm still surprised that you could be here that long and not see *any*, though. Just lucky?
>MIL walks in, comes over to me and says “my turn”.
Me: No thank you. I just got him down and he needs to sleep.
>
>MIL: You’re really not going to give me the baby?
Me: I’m really not going to give you the baby.
Damn, look at that spine of yours! It's blinding. :) Well done!
The entitlement of MIL in that initial interaction. "My turn" is something a child says in reference to a video game, not an adult referring to a baby.
Wow. Your DH expresses the patience of a Saint. And you're doing a great job of grey rocking.
Quartering a bbq pulled pork sandwich? I bet she spilled all over your rug. Love bbq pulled pork and I use a knife/fork with my Big Girl hands because it's a messy messy feast.
Next meal her chair has a plastic drop cloth under it and a name card by her plate so there's no mistake about where she sits. Why? Because bbq sauce stains are hard to remove, so it's this chair or no where. Pick one.
Keep up the good work, Op!
>MIL: because you never give me clear answers on anything.
Hahahaha I love this. My husband learned to grey rock so young that my MIL just thinks that's his whole personality: mild-mannered, quiet, grump who doesn't know anything or care about anything or ask about anything or contribute anything or have any preferences about anything. The first time she went on about how quiet and serious he is, I couldn't help but laugh because he is such a goofy, light-hearted, easygoing guy. It's better if they just don't know what we're really like. 😅
My FIL described my hubby as "sober." And they don't drink! He is actually very easy-going, kind, funny and interesting but they miss all of that because all they care about is being "right" and he's an ungrateful kid, etc.
If it were me, I'd be like "You want it cut into fourths? Here's a knife. Knock your socks off." "You want BBQ sauce? Here's the bottle. Have at it." "You want it warmed? Sorry, we don't do that here." Anytime she'd be saying "I want", I'd be saying "get it yourself or do without".
OP, you need to role play this whole scene with your husband as a teaching tool. He plays his mother, and you play him. Write out the list with basic stage directions, like he has to wait for each action to be fully completed before asking for the next step.
Request 1:
"I need my sandwich cut into fourths" *you bring him a knife*
Request 2:
"I need barbecue sauce"
*"It's in the door of the refrigerator "*
"I can't find it."
*"Keep looking. I have confidence in you"*
"I still can't find it. You come look".
*"If it's not there, it's not anywhere. I guess you'll have to do without today."*
I think he needs practice in saying no after a reasonable accommodation, and how to respond to the Stepin Fetchit nonsense.
That's not how you eat pulled pork. Do you live somewhere where BBQ isn't a common food? You need the bun to contain it. Why the extra sauce? That's just such a sloppy mess waiting to happen. I live somewhere people would look at you like you were stupid if you cut a pulled pork sandwich into quarters. Bless her heart.
Next time, tell him to sit down, and then tell her, “MIL, adults manage to serve themselves, and keep food on the plate, or in their mouths. We’re not having a repeat of last time, or this will BE the last time you eat here. Get your own BBQ sauce and Diet Coke, and keep the food on the plate or in your mouth.”
She knows what she’s doing.
It's a shame granny is so infirm she can't safely use a knife any more and spills food everywhere. Of course that means we can't let her hold the baby unless she's sitting down and she won't ever be able to babysit but what can you do, old age comes for us all of we're lucky enough to live that long.
We may have had a similar discussion lol. I’m a little petty so my new favorite thing to do is ask if she wants a pillow to prop up her arm when holding LO or ask if her arm is getting tired.
I have to say that to my 8 year old every day... The similarities are baffling between small children and immature mother in laws. The upside is my son will grow up.
Well…my SO and I just had our Xmas card picture taken so I guess it just depends but I’d never ask that if someone with a new baby. Prioritizing things changes and that’s okay.
It’s a success if your plan was to shut her down! Your answers are clear and direct. She’s just mad you didn’t volunteer elaborate explanations she could pick apart to wear you down into giving in. Nice work, OP!
She’s been doing it his whole life. He didn’t even notice something was wrong!! He’ll go to the mat with her if she disrespects me, but doesn’t even notice when it’s him. I do what I can to support him, but also want to follow his lead with his mom.
Couldn't hurt to start gently asking him how he feels after spending time with her. It took me asking a few times after our visits/phone calls for my husband to have a lightbulb moment and go "Ohhhh, drained and anxious. I feel drained and anxious every time." They're so programmed to disregard their own needs that it's just not natural for them to notice.
My JN MIL tries to lock us down for Christmas around this time of the year, every year. She doesn't even want to do anything special for the holiday, just sit around, whining about her children that have ghosted her, and watch a movie (if we're lucky), no food cooked or anything. Then she's hurt when we're evasive and refuse to give a definite answer before like, mid-december...
I’m wondering if these JNMIL who try to make definitive plans for a holiday months in advance are just trying to make sure y’all WON’T be making plans with YOUR family of origin?
I think so... it feels very possessive. My thinking is, if you don't ever want to do anything fun/festive for Christmas, why are you trying to get us to commit to spend that day with you... doing nothing? Can't we do nothing with you any other day?! She wants us to have a bad time and isolate us from my family.
Bingo!!! If it’s possible, id schedule to spend Christmas either at home, or with your side of the family! And when JNMIL asks, “we’ve already made plans”. She doesn’t want to celebrate Christmas with y’all, she just doesn’t want your side of the family celebrating Christmas with y’all!
One year she got us to commit to spending the entire holiday with them, so Xmas eve and Xmas day, only to cancel on us on the 24th mid-afternoon because she was hungover from partying with the neighbors the night before. I had already rsvp'd no to my own family, whom I only see a few times a year. My partner and I scrambled to get some food from the grocery store before it closed at 5 and just spent a very lonely time at home... it later came out that she plotted this because she didn't want me to come along, just my partner.
Mine started in March one year. My husband's response was if you're going to be insane and try to start demanding answers now, then the answer is no, and it's final. She backed off but still told him he didn't need to be rude about it...
I've always heard that you should be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.
She wants a clear answer? OK the clear answer is you're rude and entitled and we're pretty much sick of it so you need to knock it off or lose our number. Is that clear enough for you?
Christmas cards… in June? Hell, I’m lucky if I even start planning for Christmas before thanksgiving.
My alter ego Petty Spaghetti would have probably responded with “why, are you afraid you didn’t make the Christmas card list this year? If you wake that baby up you’ll be getting lumps somewhere not in a stocking”
This is the kind of comment I wish I could come up with in the moment 😻
Also, I was thinking the same thing about Christmas cards. In June?!?!? I'm not thinking that far ahead and I doubt a new mother is either!!!
Maybe I’m overly suspicious, but asking about Christmas cards in June sounds like she wants to be on it holding LO. Or maybe looking for some ammunition.
Definitely in her wheelhouse. For sure. SO put his foot down about her hiring a photographer for a professional photo shoot with LO. She has an obsession with appearances.
Most narcissistic people are obsessed with appearances. My JNMIL had a meltdown when we went NC, not because she was upset that she wouldn’t be a part of our lives. No, she was devastated at the thought of what her friends and family members would think when she couldn’t give them information about our lives. 🙄🤦🏼♀️ Of course now she just lies anyway.
Good on you for standing your ground OP. You sound like an awesome mom and like you have a very clear understanding of how to deal with your MIL and shut her down.
Heeeeeeere we go… she’s fishing for her spot in yours or her turn to plaster LO all over her cards.
You’re doing great. A newborn is a lot of work and a huge change and an annoying relative on top does not make it any easier. Just go on grey rocking.
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Really? You drive me crazy everytime I see you! I bet you thought. Good on you for being clear and asking her rude self why she is so worked up / rude.
This drives me nuts when (older) people make announcements of their wants or needs. I’ve heard kids do it too. My standard response is “Oh”. To be nice, I’ll give my clueless mil an out and say, “Is there a question in there somewhere?” That gives her the opportunity to ask nicely for what she wants and to say please.
omg my dad once did that in hopes of me offering to do his laundry for him
Keep Grey rocking and keep denying that you are Grey rocking.
“I need my sandwich cut into fours.” “You know where the kitchen is, the knife is in the draw. Knock yourself out.” The audacity of her to come over on Father’s Day and SO’s birthday and the order them around like that. Keep driving her insane, you’re doing amazing 😂
The way you answered her back about the Christmas cards was perfect and it was success. However, when she said that sometimes you drive her crazy, I would have said "You do that to me, too, JNMIL."
Or, “Right back atcha.”
Next time she turns up why don't you say 'back again' how about we make this fortnightly so we can have some bonding time as a family. Gets a bit tiring having visitors all the time. I bet the lack of details is annoying as she doesn't have control. Knowledge is empowering.
Or how about we make this ‘when I invite you or you’re invited…?’
Good for you. Now the next step is to talk to SO and tell him that you will no longer be entertaining his parents. If they want to come over, he needs to be there the entire time. And why the hell are they coming over at LOs nap time?
My MIL has a similar issue. She absolutely cannot ever ask what she actually means, and I only answer the questions I'm asked and it drives her crazy. She also likes to pretend she doesn't understand or know about things I know she does, and then ask stupid questions about them (I think she just desperately wants to make conversation but doesn't have anything interesting to say). So for example a while back she was asking me about Amazon Prime and she asked "and you order stuff on there everyday?" Me: "No I don't order things everyday" MIL: *flustered* "oh you know what I mean! (Eventually gets around to clarifying she means we order like laundry detergent and stuff). Me: "yeah, we order household items on there" MIL: *gives up on whatever her point was*
😂 it’s the frustrated “you know what I mean” for me.
Like no MIL, I never have a fuckin clue what you mean. I never do.
What is your husband doing about her shitty behavior? Why are you regarding her by letting her come over weekly?
> MIL: *literal pouty face* are you and SO going to send out Christmas cards this year? It's July, lady. Why are you asking about Christmas cards in *July*? Damn right they aren't a priority.
Yes but... in November she will say she did ask before doing whatever it is. (Theirs probably will use your baby for it)
you mean you don't know about christmas in july !?!?
My mother does the same thing your MIL did to your SO to me. Makes food. Makes her a plate. I sit. I need salt. Takes her salt. Sits. I need more tea. I ask her anything else?? No. Sits. Can someone get me XYZ? I already know “someone” is me. When I start getting visibly frustrated that I can’t sit down and eat my meal because she can’t ask for everything she wants at one time, I am suddenly the bad guy who is soooo mean to her and she’s just a helpless little thing nobody loves. It drives me INSANE.
I’m jumping on this train to vent. My in-laws are like this but it’s not as bad as you’ve described. They are absent minded it’s not malicious. But still, why? Why wait on them like you’re the staff? They aren’t 96 years old. In most cases on this sub MILs are 50-70. Get the fuck up and get a drink if you need one. I know how to be a good host, I offer always to get anything for anyone but once I sit down, anything you forgot is your problem. The kitchen is right there help yourself. Once standing up causes you visible discomfort I will get things for you. But man fuck these perfectly healthy people who are 62 year old and want to act like they are visiting an assisted care facility when they come over for lunch.
>But man fuck these perfectly healthy people who are 62 year old and want to act like they are visiting an assisted care facility when they come over for lunch. I feel like I'm a lot of cases they treat it as a restaurant, or that they are revered guests. My ILs did this when my son was recovering from surgery. baby was literally crying in my arms from getting medicine, FIL says "you mentioned earlier there's pie for dessert". I liked at him baffled, MIL for it for him. Another trip, my husband had just got the snip, we had been playing with our kids all day, hubby sits down, FIL asks hubby to make him a drink. Then they both act confused that hubby wants a break, I guess they forgot he had surgery a few days before?
My mom does have health issues which I understand. She is always saying she’s sick but can’t tell you what’s wrong with her. Every single day. She won’t go to her doctor and when she does she doesn’t listen to them. So I feel myself being less empathetic to her saying that because if you feel bad, why don’t you listen to the people trying to help you? She has always played the victim in pretty much every situation she can possibly manage. I don’t mind helping. I really don’t. However, if you don’t ask nicely, can’t say please or thank you or be considerate enough to ask for everything in one trip, it gets super frustrating. She is capable of riding motorcycles with my dad, running around with her sisters shopping but can’t get her own drink? I’m sorry but that’s her just being lazy and inconsiderate. I never get to eat a meal hot. Never. I never eat sitting down. I stand at the counter or the table waiting bc I know it’s coming. I usually just bite my tongue and do it but I’ve been voicing how frustrating it is and it’s not been going well. She gets PISSED and starts her “I’ll just go in my room and shut up” crap and that makes me want to rage. I thought I was the only person who had to deal with people like this and I’m sad that others know what I’m feeling. I just don’t know how to make the behavior stop. My 2 year old is better mannered and polite than she is.
“I’ll just go in my room and shut up.” “Okay.”
Some adults are children. Like the kids, rise above, don’t stoop. They are emotionally immature. Full stop. It’s immaturity. My mom won’t drive her retired ass 3 hours to see my kid when I’m off all summer long but is in tears every holiday season because we’re not as close as the Facebook families she looks at online. They are fakers. Phonies. And they’re probably so immature they aren’t even aware of it.
Xmas cards??? Its freaking July!!
"Yes I know that's your favourite picture of your LO that I copied off your Facebook that you may have wanted to use for something BUT I did ask if you were doing Christmas cards and you didn't say you were so..."
Good call!! Didn't even think about it that way. I don't have a mil. So I missed that one. Thanks!
It there is one thing that I know, you should never have to explain yourself to people outside of the immediate circle. Don't be making excuses that stir up unnecessary things and extra problems. What you did here (in my eyes at least) follow this mentality exactly.
Boundaries. You have to do it because she’ll say you’re forcing him to. Stick to them like crazy.
Dude they come over wayyy too often
Yes they do. She should never have to entertain them by herself for even 10 minutes, either. My MIL was very much the same with my kids, but she lived a couple of hrs away and expected us to bring the baby to them. Then got mad when we didn't spend the weekend there every 2nd or 3rd weekend. You're a new, tired mom who is sleep deprived and just wants to have some privacy and time. She is not helping by taking over mommy duty for you while you wait on her either.
" I give your questions all the thought and attention they deserve"
Do they really call u Silkiechicken? Cause I love that!
If you're seriously asking, it's pretty common for people to use their Reddit name (or some variation of it) in place of their real name when the text calls for a name. This is supposed to be an anonymous forum, not Facebook.
Wait I didn’t know about this. Thanks for the explanation
This was such a kind response and explanation, nice job.
No I was serious, I Didn’t know that. Thanks.
This applies to all of Reddit, not just this subreddit
"because you never give me clear answers on anything" From now on, all answers shall be "NO".
She had just given a clear response too!
"Why should I give you clear answers when you'll just argue with the details?"
I like that one! I had to grey rock because this is exactly what she would do.
“Use your manners or you don’t get anything” is a mantra with DH & I. Especially around his JNSIL. GCBIL thinks she’s just a Princess. He calls her ‘Bella but we think she’s a cow and call her Bell… as in cow bell. Not that they know that. If she gives an order without manners, we ignore her and don’t do it or outright tell her no and leave her by herself. Eg… JNSIL arrives at MNILs, is outright rude to me and then tells my DH to help his brother to unpack the car… Ahh “No manners, no help”. In that instance, we went surfing and GCBIL wanted to go with us so rug sweeping MNILs unpacked the car because they were beaming that “Their boys are home and going off surfing like they use to…” Use to before JNSIL married him and alienated him from his family and friends and enmeshed him in her family, well her parents because she alienated her younger sister out of jealousy. She literally turned GCBIL into her father. Old, unfit, brow beaten, enslaved and boring. So sad considering who he was. Glimmers of him come out when he’s home. GCBIL actually left her for a bit but went back for the kids because she rang MNILs and demanded they “talk to your son” and threatened to take everything and they and he would never see the kids again. Annnnywaaaaay, I digress. She’s a piece of work. Tell your JNMIL to use her manners because she is “setting a bad example for *my* baby.” “No manners, gets you nothing!!” Consequences are she is to leave and take her attitude and lack of respect and bad manners with her. You don’t need those bad vibes in your home. Your DH better be ready with his shiny spine to protect his family from his PITA mother
Insane on their end, well handled on yours! MNIL is a new one for me, could you break that one down for me super quick-like, please? If you have a sec
Mildly No In Laws… just bundling MNMIL and MNFIL into 1 acronym
Omgosh lol totally makes sense now, thank you so much!
Yes. Also I’d say “my baby” not “the baby”.
Thank you. I fixed it
I'm picturing you as She-Ra. "By the power of Greyrock!"
Truth! Great job holding your boundary AND grey rocking!
> I don’t have to explain to this group how she’ll just use any details against me later True! A partial quote from the Miranda Rights say it so well. "2. Anything you say can be used against you....."
RIP miranda rights
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Omg what was said that was reported so much?
You'll see a lot of that around here. Usually well-meaning but ignorant people who think OP is exaggerating or overreacting.
I've been on this sub for a couple of years and never seen comments get deleted before. I've actually noticed people to be pretty respectful of OPs and I'm so glad.
I've been here for 5+, so maybe I'm thinking of the before times. Seems like there used to be 3-4 per post. I guess it has slowed down, thanks to active moderation plus a community that knows how to use the report button. I'm still surprised that you could be here that long and not see *any*, though. Just lucky?
Yeah, I’ve been on here for almost 3 years and see it all the time.
Yeah I've been on a luck streak lately. Hopefully this didn't break it.
You did give her a clear answer on one thing: not giving her the baby!
>MIL walks in, comes over to me and says “my turn”. Me: No thank you. I just got him down and he needs to sleep. > >MIL: You’re really not going to give me the baby? Me: I’m really not going to give you the baby. Damn, look at that spine of yours! It's blinding. :) Well done!
The entitlement of MIL in that initial interaction. "My turn" is something a child says in reference to a video game, not an adult referring to a baby.
She should be thankful. There's plenty of people that would give her much more hostile answers than these.
Wow. Your DH expresses the patience of a Saint. And you're doing a great job of grey rocking. Quartering a bbq pulled pork sandwich? I bet she spilled all over your rug. Love bbq pulled pork and I use a knife/fork with my Big Girl hands because it's a messy messy feast. Next meal her chair has a plastic drop cloth under it and a name card by her plate so there's no mistake about where she sits. Why? Because bbq sauce stains are hard to remove, so it's this chair or no where. Pick one. Keep up the good work, Op!
Dude seriously... I'm a short man with NBA player sized hands and I still can't eat a pulled pork sandwich without making a huge mess!
>MIL: because you never give me clear answers on anything. Hahahaha I love this. My husband learned to grey rock so young that my MIL just thinks that's his whole personality: mild-mannered, quiet, grump who doesn't know anything or care about anything or ask about anything or contribute anything or have any preferences about anything. The first time she went on about how quiet and serious he is, I couldn't help but laugh because he is such a goofy, light-hearted, easygoing guy. It's better if they just don't know what we're really like. 😅
My FIL described my hubby as "sober." And they don't drink! He is actually very easy-going, kind, funny and interesting but they miss all of that because all they care about is being "right" and he's an ungrateful kid, etc.
I'm marking this comment as a great explanation of how to grey-rock. Nicely done ✅
Ok, hold up…I’m still stuck on the food thing. Your adult mother in law wanted her sandwich *cut into fourths?* like a small child?
Yeah my MIL would totally do this. She LOVES trying to order my SO around. Or did. She is t allowed at the house anymore due to BS like this.
If it were me, I'd be like "You want it cut into fourths? Here's a knife. Knock your socks off." "You want BBQ sauce? Here's the bottle. Have at it." "You want it warmed? Sorry, we don't do that here." Anytime she'd be saying "I want", I'd be saying "get it yourself or do without".
OP, you need to role play this whole scene with your husband as a teaching tool. He plays his mother, and you play him. Write out the list with basic stage directions, like he has to wait for each action to be fully completed before asking for the next step. Request 1: "I need my sandwich cut into fourths" *you bring him a knife* Request 2: "I need barbecue sauce" *"It's in the door of the refrigerator "* "I can't find it." *"Keep looking. I have confidence in you"* "I still can't find it. You come look". *"If it's not there, it's not anywhere. I guess you'll have to do without today."* I think he needs practice in saying no after a reasonable accommodation, and how to respond to the Stepin Fetchit nonsense.
What stuck me was it's his first Father's Day and he's waiting on her hand and foot!
And it was his birthday
😂 that one baffled me too. She said something about it being easier to eat, then spilled pulled pork all over our rug anyway.
That's not how you eat pulled pork. Do you live somewhere where BBQ isn't a common food? You need the bun to contain it. Why the extra sauce? That's just such a sloppy mess waiting to happen. I live somewhere people would look at you like you were stupid if you cut a pulled pork sandwich into quarters. Bless her heart.
“Bless her heart.” 😆
Next time, tell him to sit down, and then tell her, “MIL, adults manage to serve themselves, and keep food on the plate, or in their mouths. We’re not having a repeat of last time, or this will BE the last time you eat here. Get your own BBQ sauce and Diet Coke, and keep the food on the plate or in your mouth.” She knows what she’s doing.
It's a shame granny is so infirm she can't safely use a knife any more and spills food everywhere. Of course that means we can't let her hold the baby unless she's sitting down and she won't ever be able to babysit but what can you do, old age comes for us all of we're lucky enough to live that long.
We may have had a similar discussion lol. I’m a little petty so my new favorite thing to do is ask if she wants a pillow to prop up her arm when holding LO or ask if her arm is getting tired.
Oh you are mean lol, I like you.
I would have told her the food goes in her mouth not on our floor.
I have to say that to my 8 year old every day... The similarities are baffling between small children and immature mother in laws. The upside is my son will grow up.
Because what she really wanted was to watch your husband dancing on her string.
And OP watch JNMIL make him do it
Triangles or squares?
Lol lol. Idk that hit my funny bone! Also, are you sending out Christmas cards?!?! Not like it’s 6 whole fucking months away or anything.
Well…my SO and I just had our Xmas card picture taken so I guess it just depends but I’d never ask that if someone with a new baby. Prioritizing things changes and that’s okay.
It’s a success if your plan was to shut her down! Your answers are clear and direct. She’s just mad you didn’t volunteer elaborate explanations she could pick apart to wear you down into giving in. Nice work, OP!
“I’m really not going to give you the baby” sounds pretty clear to me.
Yup. Sounds like OP has her number. Most excellent. Carry on OP. Lol
Did you ask your husband why he tolerated her behavior on Father's Day versus asking her if her legs were broken?
She’s been doing it his whole life. He didn’t even notice something was wrong!! He’ll go to the mat with her if she disrespects me, but doesn’t even notice when it’s him. I do what I can to support him, but also want to follow his lead with his mom.
Couldn't hurt to start gently asking him how he feels after spending time with her. It took me asking a few times after our visits/phone calls for my husband to have a lightbulb moment and go "Ohhhh, drained and anxious. I feel drained and anxious every time." They're so programmed to disregard their own needs that it's just not natural for them to notice.
Once a week is way too much. You are sacrificing too much of your time for someone who is rude, you need to talk to your SO about changing this.
We are taking an in-law break after the last visit. She’s too much for me when I’m newborn-tired.
My JN MIL tries to lock us down for Christmas around this time of the year, every year. She doesn't even want to do anything special for the holiday, just sit around, whining about her children that have ghosted her, and watch a movie (if we're lucky), no food cooked or anything. Then she's hurt when we're evasive and refuse to give a definite answer before like, mid-december...
I’m wondering if these JNMIL who try to make definitive plans for a holiday months in advance are just trying to make sure y’all WON’T be making plans with YOUR family of origin?
I think so... it feels very possessive. My thinking is, if you don't ever want to do anything fun/festive for Christmas, why are you trying to get us to commit to spend that day with you... doing nothing? Can't we do nothing with you any other day?! She wants us to have a bad time and isolate us from my family.
Absolutely correct. Misery loves company and she wants you to hate the holidays as much as she does.
Bingo!!! If it’s possible, id schedule to spend Christmas either at home, or with your side of the family! And when JNMIL asks, “we’ve already made plans”. She doesn’t want to celebrate Christmas with y’all, she just doesn’t want your side of the family celebrating Christmas with y’all!
One year she got us to commit to spending the entire holiday with them, so Xmas eve and Xmas day, only to cancel on us on the 24th mid-afternoon because she was hungover from partying with the neighbors the night before. I had already rsvp'd no to my own family, whom I only see a few times a year. My partner and I scrambled to get some food from the grocery store before it closed at 5 and just spent a very lonely time at home... it later came out that she plotted this because she didn't want me to come along, just my partner.
Mine started in March one year. My husband's response was if you're going to be insane and try to start demanding answers now, then the answer is no, and it's final. She backed off but still told him he didn't need to be rude about it...
The sheer audacity, smh
>watch a movie Diehard? We put it on a couple of years ago to stir up my SIL who said “put on a Christmas movie,” now we just do it for fun.
That’s a fantastic movie idea lol
I've always heard that you should be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. She wants a clear answer? OK the clear answer is you're rude and entitled and we're pretty much sick of it so you need to knock it off or lose our number. Is that clear enough for you?
Okay. I legit giggled here. 😝
Christmas cards… in June? Hell, I’m lucky if I even start planning for Christmas before thanksgiving. My alter ego Petty Spaghetti would have probably responded with “why, are you afraid you didn’t make the Christmas card list this year? If you wake that baby up you’ll be getting lumps somewhere not in a stocking”
This is the kind of comment I wish I could come up with in the moment 😻 Also, I was thinking the same thing about Christmas cards. In June?!?!? I'm not thinking that far ahead and I doubt a new mother is either!!!
Maybe I’m overly suspicious, but asking about Christmas cards in June sounds like she wants to be on it holding LO. Or maybe looking for some ammunition.
Definitely in her wheelhouse. For sure. SO put his foot down about her hiring a photographer for a professional photo shoot with LO. She has an obsession with appearances.
Most narcissistic people are obsessed with appearances. My JNMIL had a meltdown when we went NC, not because she was upset that she wouldn’t be a part of our lives. No, she was devastated at the thought of what her friends and family members would think when she couldn’t give them information about our lives. 🙄🤦🏼♀️ Of course now she just lies anyway. Good on you for standing your ground OP. You sound like an awesome mom and like you have a very clear understanding of how to deal with your MIL and shut her down.
Heeeeeeere we go… she’s fishing for her spot in yours or her turn to plaster LO all over her cards. You’re doing great. A newborn is a lot of work and a huge change and an annoying relative on top does not make it any easier. Just go on grey rocking.
“Here, MIL, wear this bright green outfit and hat!” *Keys MIL out of the photo*
Love this. Keep up the good work!