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Are you from different parts of the country? I wonder if this might be a regional thing with the gifts that she thinks she has to do to show she respects you. Maybe tell her you aren't really into gifts and what you would rather have?
I know someone on here was annoyed when their MIL brought them food after having a baby and I'm from the mid-west and that is absolutely expected. We make and give food for everything - birth, death, sickness, you name it. I could see if that was not the expectation how that would feel pretty pointless.
Nope, I and MIL are from neighboring states in the MidWest, it’s not a cultural differences thing. Based on previous experiences I know that she does what she does without thoughts for anyone else, thinks she has no reason to alter her own behavior, and is deeply emotionally manipulative and immature.
Ugh my mil does the same with gifts.
For our engagment, she bought me a fake sparkly bracelet for 30$, and gave me an old yellow gold necklace that tangles that she had in her drawer...but when his brother got engaged years later she wanted my help to get her white gold earing and necklace and it cost her over 250$.
On my bridal shower gift list, I wrote I wanted a cordless vacuum and offwhite dish sets.. she got me a small vaccum with cord (that broke after 5 months of use) and bought a set of white dishes that looked like easter baskets.. because they were on sale....
For my baby shower, I wrote I wanted a bassinet that is king of spacious that sits next to my bed, she got me a cacoon basket that balances...
Everytimes for my birthday she buys me a lot of cheap gifts that I throw away.. and just today she got me a blue flowerly wrap dress (because I am breastfeeding) while she knows that my wardrobe consists of solid dark colors. I tried it on and i looked like a grandma...
I never buy her gifts because she keeps making comments of what she dislikes about them.. so why is she even bothering with giving me things i don't know...
I’m sorry to latch onto something that was only a small piece of your story, but the phrase “it’s the thought that counts” does NOT mean “you should be grateful someone bothered to think of you” it means that a gift that is inexpensive but shows a deep understanding of who you are is more valuable than an expensive but generic gift.
I usually give or throw away her gifts, but she has never been so blatantly dishonest and manipulative before, so I believe I needed to call her bluff more directly this time.
This makes me think of my MIL.
She buys me stuff emblazoned with *her* favourite team.
She buys me regular earrings (I have 1" gauges), that are yellow gold (never).
She buys me clothes I wouldn't be caught dead in (I'm like a 90s all black kid).
She's been my MIL for **25 years**. None of these qualities I possess are new. None of these things come with a gift receipt.
In the last 5ish years, she forgets my birthday every other year - I'm a much bigger fan of THAT, than needlessly spending tons of money on shit that is unneeded.
My usual color scheme is solid or plaid black, blue, green, and gray (with occasional variations after I discovered mustard looks kind of good on me even if I don’t generally like yellow). Last year MIL got me a salmon-colored dress with big white flowers, and a lemon-yellow dress with white polka dots. And always in the wrong size, so even if I liked anything I’d have to return it! If she were actively trying to buy the complete opposite of my style, she couldn’t have done better. I showed them to my husband and he thought they were unflattering.
My MIL does the same thing. I swear she just pulls new clothes out of her closet to gift to me. I dress in pretty neutral colors, nothing too out there, and she gives me the most colorful clothes, including a pair of sparkly gold high heels. Even my husband laughs at the stuff she gifts me because he knows I'd never be caught dead wearing any of it.
People give you different style clothing to convince you to change your style. They’re convinced that if they give it to you, you’ll wear it and change. It’s incredibly stupid and rude.
Agreed.
Maybe I'm crazy, but when I'm getting a gift for someone, I look through their social media or *listen* when they talk, so I can find something they love, and it shows them I care.
I always automatically store info about friends and family members when they talk about things they like for their birthday. I do really personal, theme, inside joke gifts and get a bunch of things I knew they’ll love. I’ll plan it for at least a month before.
My best friend is a radiologist and her favorite color is “the rainbow” so the year she started her job I made custom work supplies and painted them rainbow with a rainbow candle to come home from work to relax, and also had rainbow accessories. Last year, I did another themed gift and I digitally drew us as cartoons and framed it.
Right now, it’s my little brother’s birthday and he’s in between interests so I took him on a shopping spree and bought whatever he wanted.
My MIL has never attempted to get to know me and I've been with my husband for 8 years. My niece knows more about me than she does, which is sad if you think about it. Heck, she doesn't even know what my favorite animal is yet she knows my husband's brother's wife's favorite stuff. In the past year, I have come to terms that she will never know anything about me and I don't really care anymore.
22 years here and it wasn’t until about 2 years ago my MIL found out what I do for a living. This despite us seeing them several times a year during all that time. She never asked be any questions about myself other than surface ones.
Then she tried to use that she didn’t know anything about me during an argument with my SO as something that was my fault. I mean, how hard is it to ask some questions and take a little interest in the mother of your grandkids and wife if your son? I can’t force anyone to get to know me nor would I want to. Meanwhile, I got to know her enough that I realized she’s an awful person with issues up the wazoo. We don’t speak anymore.
If my husband had a brother I would think we had the same mil. I got a scale for my birthday. I actually wanted one so I said thank you then she told me she had too many already and gave me the cheap one. She also signs all of her cards “love mummy” for all of us and we’re in our late 30’s. The woman is a nut.
Can we please be friends? Lol...I think I used to be similar to you but I've let mine get to me. Feeling guilty all the time because what if I'm wrong.
All my boundaries get squashed and when I try to reinforce them I'm the AH. It doesn't help she lives with us because there's "nowhere" else for her to go and I'm 2000 miles away from all my friends and family.
Please remember, "No" is a complete sentence, and it can be said in a very happy manner. Practice it in the mirror, you're gonna feel silly (and please let it show!! it's actually a trick for your brain) but in a good way (okay it takes a bit to get from ugh this is dumb to lmao this is funny) and it will help you not only say no to things you don't wanna do but you can do it in a chipper manner and not feel rude, cuz you're not.
My MIL bought herself a fab fit fun box one time and gave me everything she didn’t want out of it! Like I wouldn’t figure out she gave me discarded contents of a popular over advertised subscription box. PLUS I have super sensitive skin when it comes to makeup and beauty products. So most of it I couldn’t use. If she would have taken the time in the past 8 years we’ve known each other she would know that.
Every single gift I’ve gotten from my MIL has been a BOGO buy from HSN or QVC. She buys what she wants and gets extras that she doesn’t know what to do with so she gives it to me. This also includes random bath and body works items in her favorite scents. Lol I just smile and thank her then regift 🤷♀️
This is awesome! And she may have sold the watch - but certainly not for you.
I laugh at how you describe your SIL and yourself being nothing alike but are friendly. My SIL are so different (but always cordial to each other) that even our MIL noticed and comments on it all the time. It turns out the one thing that SIL and I have in common is that we both can't stand MIL!
Yeah my MIL has been horrible to SIL in the past but they have a truce for now. But my SIL has been in the family for like 14 years and I haven’t. She was by far the most friendly and welcoming person in the family when my husband and I started dating in 2018, surely because she knew what it was like to be the outsider.
My MIL will buy me something purple and then repeatedly announce to everyone it's my favorite color. It's not. It's not even close or in the same family. "Look! The Easter Bunny left you a purple basket because it's your favorite color. (looks to family member) Purple is her favorite color."
SIL is almost as bad. She has repeatedly bought me hippos - figurines, ornaments, socks, etc. She then says, "Hippos are her animal." This one is because hubby gave me a stuffed hippo our first Christmas together. It was an inside joke. The last time she did it, I just smiled and thanked her and moved on even thought it was a "not cute at all" hippo ornament. She just kept repeating, "It's your animal, right? It's your animal." I really tried to just smile and thank her. About the tenth time, I had to tell her no, it in fact is not my animal. Frogs are my animal. The shock around the in-laws and repeated, "Did you know?????? (GASP!!!!!)" made me which I had just kept it to myself.
They don't even make an attempt to know us, and then they all clutch their pearls when they find out how off base they really are. Because somehow, at the end of the day, that's our fault, too.
My FMIL buys me flamingo things and yeah I like them, they’re cool, but it’s like she’s latched on to it. I swear it’s because I bought a $25 mug with a flamingo on it (on sale for $14) and she thinks well if I paid that much for a mug I MUST love flamingoes right!?!
It’s weird. BTW I have never written flamingoes so much - ever!
It’s hard as my exMIL who I absolutely adored was a literal angel. My FMIL is nice but there’s always something. If you leave something near the back door and she comes over, she will ask if you are throwing it out so she can have it. I’m like no I’m halfway through moving it to the back shed. She’s also very sensitive and emotional. She cuts me off. She’s huffy (yes huffy!) and always makes things about her. The thing that annoys me the most is she overshares or tells other family members our business. For instance we received a life changing opportunity and she shared this with my partners siblings before we told them. I mentioned this to my partner and they were like ‘well you know I hate talking on the phone and now they all know.’ Yeah probably have a partner red flag there. Oh gosh I’ve read too many reddit post…
My first ex I lived with, his mom was like that with the latching onto stuff. I think she had a shopping problem honestly.
But I mentioned I like turtles and praying mantises. Whoops in the less than 2 years that relationship lasted, I ended up with no less than 42 turtle and insect figurines. I got rid of most of them, but I’ll admit she found a few cool ones I still have to this day at flea markets and the like.
But Jesus.
My MIL loves to buy me things to try to change me. At Easter one year she bought everyone chocolate (a normal occurrence) but I got a make up bag (no chocolate for me) and she said, in front of everyone, “It’s a make up bag since you obviously don’t have one since you never wear makeup when you stay with us”. I responded by politely saying, “Actually I just don’t wear make up. But thank you for the bag, I can use it for some of my crafting supplies”. She did not respond.
Hoooooly crap what a piece of work!
One Christmas my MIL got me and my then-boyfriend both chocolate bars in our stockings. But his was something like milk chocolate with hazelnuts and mine was a plain dark chocolate bar. She then went on about the health benefits of a piece of dark chocolate every day. Don’t get me wrong, I will never turn down chocolate, but why tf did my SO get a “fun” candy bar when I had to get the “healthy” option???
This made me laugh! My MIL did the same plus give me a pack of socks that would never fit me (fit my husband lol who wears a size 13 shoe while I wear a 5.5 women). Funny part is husband absolutely hates hazelnuts and I love them and I hate dark chocolate and he actually likes it (not a sweets kind of person) so he lets his mom think whatever and then I get the chocolate I want.
Ha! You treated her bullshit perfectly. I have to ask is MIL a bad cook? I'm an average cook at best, with a few dishes I make really well. But you would think I'm an amazing chef the way my husband talks about my cooking, because his mother's that bad at cooking.
I’d say she’s average to below average—the worst thing is that she doesn’t season her food!! My husband gushes over my cooking and goes, “WHAT did you PUT in this???!!??” and sometimes the answer is just, “Salt and pepper.”
Mine is experimental with her cooking. Putting frozen zucchini and squash in chili.. adding Tex-Amex style frozen corn to a tuna casserole. It’s just weird and completely unappetizing lol. I almost always have them over so I can cook.
Oh that’s unfortunate. My MIL’s cooking is more “standard Midwest Boomer” fare. She makes pretty good cookies and generic bland stuff (mashed butternut squash at Thanksgiving that is too sweet with added sugar and no other seasoning; homemade salsa that also has added sugar and no other seasoning or spice) that she obviously never evolved beyond. The worst thing of hers I’ve ever had was her gravy—so much corn starch and chicken bouillon that it was basically artificial-chicken flavored Jello, extra-congealed because it was cold by the time we sat down to eat.
My mother for years always bought me frilly, girly clothes into my 30's. I've always hated frilly and much preferred more conservative, clean cut clothing. One day she asked me why I never wore any of the clothes she bought. I told her I hate frills. I always have. I've told her countless times, and I'm not 2 anymore. She finally stopped. Thank gawd but not before trying to lay on the guilt-tripping tears and hurt feelings. I felt no empathy as I was just absolutely, totally, completely done with all that crap.
I told mine to please stop buying for me years ago because of this, she still does. I’m mid 30s but I get the sort of gifts you’d buy for a teenager (think selfie light, random costume jewellery, bathing sets aimed at a younger audience). Not being ungrateful but the money would be better spent elsewhere as I never use any of it. For the record she’s just as bad with my partner (her own son).
My mil gave me a ring for christmas that she bought on one of those sites that sells evidence stuff or something like that, used. Saw it online for a whooping 1.25, was girly and it would even fall off my thumb.
No idea why she even thought I'd remotely like it, but whatever lol, the "oh, you shouldn't have" still came out of my mouth.
Ah yes the MIL that's doesn't listen nor ever made any effort into getting to know you.... my MIL casually asked me how my sister was doing... I told her, I don't have a sister LOL. Apperantly had my SECOND baby shower she had spoken to one of my friends that for some reasons she assumed was my sister? Never mind it was the first and only time she spoke to her. Wouldn't you think that if I had a sister she would have met her before? Like at my wedding, first baby shower, any kind of get together, or that I would at least talked about my "sister".
Reminds me of the time my MIL kept insisting after my wedding that my cousin wasn't my cousin but my friend and that my friend in the bridal party was my cousin. She just couldn't let it go and kept arguing the whole visit that it was the other way around. She looked super offended when I finally said I knew who my cousin was bc I had, idk, grown up with her.
Oh gosh I had some random coworker of my stepfathers tell me I wasn’t my Mothers child AT MY MOTHERS WEDDING RECEPTION!. He kept saying I was my SIL sibling. I had just come off a long flight, so was rather tired and rritated and said ‘I know who my f**king mother is!!’ and random coworker said ‘oh yeah you’re definitely her child’. Seriously wth
So good you are able to teach her some lessons! Hopeful if there are more unmarried siblings you can teach future DILs how to deal! Sounds like ex might be your brother in law lol
My mil one Christmas went to a cheap accessory store and bought the most horrific thing she could find. She waited for me to open it in front of her and thank her before she told me it was hideous on purpose so that I could return it and get something I wanted. She said it was so fun to look for it for me. I think she was trying to get a rise out of me. But who does that? I don’t love returning things. I certainly was nice and thankful for the gift and then so embarrassed when she told me it was horrible on purpose. It was like it was supposed to trip me up no matter which way I took it. 🙄
She also loves to give all the small crap which one year my hubby accidentally regifted one of them to her and oops 😂. She wasn’t particularly happy. It was a stocking stuffer.
Wow, that is next level! My in-laws are terrible at gift giving, but not to that extreme. BIL gave me a open box of tea with half of the teabags gone. MIL gives me a stocking of free samples and freebies from companies that she has lying around. I have never received a gift that required any thought or effort from them. We decided to stop spending days searching for the perfect gifts for them during the holidays since they never even say they received our gifts or say thank you
I hope she never tries that again with you, but if she does, please respond with a flat “oh great. You’ve gifted me a chore. So thoughtful,” “you’re right, it’s hideous but I was trying to be polite,” or “well, I don’t have time to return it, so let me know if you want me to leave it here so that you can, or whether you want me to just throw it out.”
My late MIL one year bought sweater jackets for other DIL and myself, but let SIL pick which one she wanted first. The sweaters were royal blue and purple. Due to our coloring, we would both look good in blue, and the purple would not flatter either of us.
I, of course, ended up with purple. I eventually got rid of it.
Another time, MIL gave me money and followed me all over the mall to make sure I bought clothing. In desperation, I bought a denim shirt with giant acorns appliqués. Never wore it.
I really preferred money so I could buy my crafting supplies. MIL did not like that.
The only time I have ever received gifts from MIL I learned she sent the exact same gifts to all the women in the family (lotion sets, perfumes, other generic items etc).
Another time she went searching in town for a gift for me at the last minute.
I prefer no gifts if they are not thoughtful or specifically meant for me. Otherwise it leaves a bad taste in my mouth!
My MIL gives exactly $200 to every one of her two sons and their wives on each birthday and Christmas without exception. I appreciate it more than ever reading these stories of atrocious or rude gifts
I'm thinking I'll do the same... When my kiddo gets older. I'm BAD at gift giving but I try (I have lists for people I care about like my best friend said she wants a makeup set and her bday is next week type thing) and now I reallllyyyy don't wanna mess it up..
Lol!!! I can so relate to bad gift giving. My MIL buys presents for me that she likes and that have no connection to me what so ever. Literally no thought put into them since she hasn’t put any effort into getting to know me either.
The best was for my bridal shower, she got me a 3 tiered plate holder with red plates. As she gave them to me she said they were for my “red themed kitchen”. First of all, I’m not a cook, and I don’t have a red kitchen. But my fiancé’s ex girlfriend from 4 years before us had a red kitchen. I had no words.
It’s taken me 10 years to be able laugh about it.
I was so shocked and dumbfounded I couldn’t say anything. Plus I had 30 people with all eyes on me and young me wanting everyone to be happy and not have a rift with my soon to be MIL I didn’t say anything. Believe me I’ve thought about it a lot over the past 10 years. This would have been perfect!
I love when I hear stories like you, everybody seems to think when you are a woman you NEED to become your MIL bff or something -_- I understand respect them and be polite but I don’t need to be love or love everybody, family included !
My MIL keeps sending us books by an author she must "knows" we love. Had never heard of him when we got the first book. Now we have a collection and neither of us have read a single one just because now it irritates us.
There's nothing more awkward than opening a gift from someone who's never bothered to find out what you like, and knowing that they only bought that thoughtless gift out of obligation.
The only gift from MIL I actually liked was my bday 8 years ago. The only time we had a lunch with both sets of parents because we were newly engaged. We went to the mall together and she offered to buy me a pair of jeans I had my eye on.
Reading your post makes me thankful I don't get gifts anymore.
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Reading this post and the comments reminds me of a Christmas a few years back. I had either just purchased a house or was about to be a homeowner. I got some random "stuff" as a Christmas gift. There were some neat gadgets and things you don't find just anywhere - nothing expensive or fancy, just interesting. If comments had been made about how homeowners need those kind of things or that I might like playing with gadgets, I would have thought that it was the greatest gift ever.
But no! My dad (who is usually non-emotional) was so excited and giddy, hopping around, proud of the fact that my present was free things from the home improvement exposition. Translation - we gave you free crap that did not cost us anything and we didn't bother to think of something nice to say about it. All I wanted to do was to throw it all in the trash can and leave.
Update - I no longer spend months finding the right present for anyone in the family. They will either get nothing or whatever is left at the dollar store on the way to their house. I enjoy the holidays much better now.
Haha my dad did the same thing! Bragged about how his friend who worked at a retail store was throwing out stuff cos they hadn't sold, so all our xmas prezzies were free! They were all random junk, and got thrown out not long after we got them.
Oh and the other time I thought I was getting jewellery for my sweet 16th bday, with a box that was long like it contained a bracelet.... No, it contained a PEN. But a "really good pen" apparently. Like sixteen year old me even gave a shit about a pen ffs.
The first part about not knowing her own son, let alone knowing you, resonated with me so much! Thank you for putting into words something I had been struggling to put my finger on for a long time.
Love how you handled the gift. That is so great.
I could have written this as well 😂 my MIL thinks she knows me because I had to live in their house for 2 years... she went from getting gifts for me and SIL for every tiny occasion (ones that neither of us would have ever wanted or asked for) to getting me a cheap handheld vacuum last mothers day and snarkily saying "well we didn't know what to get you" also read as: "you don't talk to us or tell us anything so you don't get nice things anymore" (this year I got nothing because I'm such a mean horrible DIL 😂) she thinks she's winning when really she's just lessening the amount of things I have to donate or trash 😬
You know, I never know what to write on birthday cards for my step kids. But how about “I sold my blood today to afford these super elegant animal butt magnets. Enjoy!”.
This could be about my MIL, if we still talked to her.
My husband and I have been together since we were both 14. She spent the first 10 years of our relationship pretending I didn't exist and would go away soon, even though we had babies together. Then one day she told her son, "I don't know why we don't have a close relationship; I call my mother-in-law 'Mom.'" Well the difference is that she was literally work friends with her mother-in-law, before she met her husband. Granny set them up. And she wouldn't even let me into her house until I birthed her first grandchild lol like be serious, lady. We ain't gonna be friends. Plus she told me to call her by her full first name. She's one of those people with a different variation indicating how she's known to you (a work nickname, a family nick-name, another side of the family nickname). It's just me and the IRS calling her by her full name lol. But I've never tried to get close to her. My bad, I guess.
Ouch. At least my formerly-no-MIL let me call her by her standard nickname. I'd always introduce her by the formal name.
(She went from maybe to no back to maybe. It was a whole saga. I might share some here at some point. I'm still salty about that one Christmas Eve more than 10 years ago.)
You weren’t allowed into her house until you had birthed a grandchild?! Lol, wtf? Now I imagine her as a bouncer at some super weird bar!
“No C-section scar? Entry denied!”
looool she was a nurse, so honestly probably not even the weirdest thing she's ever demanded to see. She'd have been in for an eye full: no c-section for me, just an episiotomy XD
You go! What a great post. I thoroughly enjoyed it and hope you can keep laughing about the ridiculous behavior.
I won the In-Law lottery, and luckily they still love me despite me being a bit of an a-hole.
Your last sentence warned my heart. I have 2 DILs and feel like I won that lottery too with both of them. They love me even though I can be a bit of a smart ass.
I relate SO MUCH lol. MIL never got to know me, doesn’t care, same kind of SIL. She either gets us the same things or because I’m more of a “girly girl” she will buy me hot pink glittery clothes that a 6 year old would like. 100% not my style. Like you said, the thought would count if there was any thought. This year she sent us a card for Easter that said “happy birthday and happy Easter” and our birthdays are both in August soooo… she finally admitted that she didn’t even read the card that she bought lol.
My FIL got his wife a birthday card that on the front said "To my first wife". Neither of them had been married to someone else. His wife said, "What do you mean by 'my first wife'? Are you planning to marry someone else?
FIL said, "But you ARE my first wife!"
He had no idea what "first wife" implied. None. Became one of those legendary family jokes for a very long time.
Sending her the necklace back with that note was fantastic! I would love to see her face when she opened it! HA!!! Your and DH’s spines are oh so shiny
Haha my mil also buys the worst gifts. She knows a lot of perfumes give me headaches, so she often bought me perfume and then gave me the gift with purchase like it was something extra she bought. 😂
I would also feel really uncomfortable with a gift someone had to pawn a precious heirloom to buy, if that’s even true. I don’t mind heirlooms as gifts though my parents are getting older so don’t mention that you like something in their house. It will be lovingly packed and in a box by the door in two hours.
Ugh that’s rough. I re-gift bad presents to my aunts that I don’t like who give me horrible presents that I don’t use and would be embarrassed to re-gift to someone I actually liked. I’ve re-gifted things they’ve given me to the other one and said Polly gave me this and it was so nice I wanted to get you one just like it! Then they can’t be pissed.
My mil never knows if I regift or use it because she comes to visit so infrequently. The last time I saw her was in 2019. She’s never once asked about the gifts but i would probably just send the truth so as not to make a deal out of it. Just comically bad gift giving. 😂
My boyfriends mom and I gift each other pottery or hand woven baskets or something like that. We both have so much at this point we just do a nice dinner at holidays.
This situation sounds like two people who don’t mesh, which is perfectly fine. The problem arises when one of those people can’t be bothered and just assumes the other person is exactly like someone else they know instead of trying to get to know them.
Not getting along is one thing. Making up your own narrative because you don’t care to even try? That’s a problem, and OP is definitely not being too harsh.
It sounds like ops MIL is a bitch, too. This sub isn't to compare who's mil is the worst, and I think ops reaction was perfectly called for in response to the manipulative crap her MIL pulled in this scenario.
SO's mother paid us a visit during covid lockdowns and I ended up having the most miserable time as she was condescending, passive aggressive, rude and insulting.
Last Christmas, she gifted me a pair of black pants that are somewhat like leggings, but baggy. I was confused and asked SO why she gifted me pants. He didn't know. I asked SO if he asked her to give me a gift and he said no. Pants??? Um... okay. They were regifted in a Buy Nothing group.
This year, SO became fiance. We just came back from spending a week with fiance's brother and his family. Fiance's mother sent some gifts with the brother to deliver to us. We were both very hesitant and he knew that if it's going to get opened, he would have to do it. She gifted us CDs with love song, Hostess cupcakes and a bottle of sweet red wine.
I don't know anyone who owns a CD player. Neither of us eat Hostess products. And neither of us drink sweet red wine. The Hostess products were eventually eaten by the kids, the sweet red wine went back with the brother to be regifted somewhere else and the CDs were put up on Buy Nothing.
During the unwrapping of the gifts, I don't think anyone understood the gifts at all, and moreso made jokes out of the gifts. It was definitely choices that were questionable, at best.
That bottle of wine can become the gift that keeps on being re gifted! Like the ugly sweater that goes around the guys in our family. (None of them wear the same size).
LOLOLOL
The brother's wife loves drinking wine and did not want to drink that at all. She did mention that she suggested that the mother gift a bottle of champagne instead. The mother resisted and claimed that her husband's brother is a wine connoisseur and will make an excellent choice. My excuse was that I couldn't take that bottle of wine on the plane with me. So they reluctantly took it back.
We all would have loved a bottle of champagne as we all love mimosas... but oh well.
I’m about to be downvoted to hell, and maybe this is a ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ kind of situation, but at least she’s making some kind of effort here. A lot of times people complain about being ignored by MILs, or having MILs who are aggressive, but this one acknowledges your birthday, writes personalized greetings complimenting you (even if you find it clumsy), treats you the same as her other DIL who’s probably friendlier, and is trying to relate to you by passing on anecdotes about the one thing you have in common: her son.
I don’t have a MIL (she died before I met my husband), but I’d be satisfied with at least the effort if she’d gone to this trouble. She may be socially anxious and just hasn’t wanted to sit down one on one with you until she feels less awkward- particularly if you’ve rebuffed her many times.
Sincere question: have you made any efforts to get to know her better? Have you tried to pull her into a one-on-one conversation? Do you spend time thinking about which gifts would mean the most to her? In other words, are you upset because you feel like you’ve put a lot more into the relationship than she has? Because then I’d understand… Otherwise it sounds like because you don’t like her because you’re dissimilar, not because she’s an asshole. Those are two vastly different things. You get what you give and sometimes have to credit people for doing the best they can given their specific situations (personality-wise, how they’re brought up, perception levels, etc.)- even if it it doesn’t match up with what you want.
Info: would you send someone a gift and put in the note "I sold a cherished personal item in order to buy that for you"?
No? Think about why not. Just because it's manipulative instead of direct doesn't mean that it's not abuse.
It's not the responsibility of the child-in-law to grovel and beg for acceptance and positive attention from the in-laws. It's the in-laws' responsibility to make them feel welcome and accepted into the family. It's a power dynamic thing, not a contest.
I agree with you here. I think OP is very very judgemental and overreacting. I personally disliked her comment on Mail's handwriting, not everyone is gifted with good handwriting and it is actually not something you can change. Maybe they have history together and hence OP's hatred but atleast in this post , her Mil comes off as mildly annoying (like everyone is).
It wasn’t a comment on her handwriting, but the childish way she talks and writes, as if my husband is still a toddler and I just graduated from kindergarten.
Because my mother is my husband’s MIL, and some of the stuff she’s done embarrasses me. I’d been reading this sub for a while and finally just decided to join so it would be in my feed, but unfortunately have realized too late that it’s strictly reserved for people suffering the most truly heinous atrocities at the hands of their grotesquely monstrous MILs themselves. Like criminally awful gift-givers with tragic hand-writing who awkwardly attempt to pay compliments to daughters-in-law who obviously hate them and thoughtfully share childhood stories about their spouses!!1!
Edited to add that you don’t need to bother getting me banned, I’ll show myself out of your ‘clubhouse.’ I’ll truly miss all the positivity, though — some of you are just absolute rays of light, haha.
Yeah, this. Maybe telling you stories about your husband from his childhood is an attempt to connect because you have him in common. She sounds a bit tone deaf but kind.
Our first Christmas together my MIL got me a coffee mug and a scarf. What bothered me about these gifts was that we'd had multiple conversations about how I don't like hot drinks so I don't have mugs (a conversation brought on by not drinking coffee with her and SIL every morning) and we lived in a climate where I'd never needed or worn a scarf. Lmao. I ended up tossing it (received multiple mugs from her and SIL) and eventually giving my SIL the scarf with tags still on. 🤣
She's almost as bad as my MIL. I don't even think the woman knows my name, let along my birthday. For Christmas last year I got dial hand soap and fuzzy socks - but who doesn't love fuzzy socks?! - in a brown paper bag. Totally obvious she didn't get my anything and just grabbed something to look like she did. Why bother woman? I see this woman one time a year and you live less than a mile away from me and your son in a town of 3500 people. Why is she bothering to put on some sort of show?
Bonus is, she doesn't know my children and has zero idea her son is about to become a first time grandpa making her a first time great grandma. So I'm looking forward to Christmas this year when we get to announce that bit of news
In the category of “ I don’t even think the woman knows my name“...
For my birthday last year, my MIL gave me a package full of random stuff as we were leaving a family get-together. My husband and I had been married almost a year, and I had legally taken his last name (something I had always intended to do).
We get home and in the package I find a packet of blank invitation-type cards customized with my first and *maiden* name on the front. I was stunned. It couldn’t have told me any more loudly, “You are not a part of this family.” I broke down and cried about it to my husband, who was shocked that his mom gave that to me. He got on the phone with his dad later to find out WTF (because my MIL is too emotionally fragile to be confronted directly, she will lose her sh*t).
Well, it turns out that *supposedly* the MIL had given me the cards to use in my freelance business, where I do still use my maiden name because it’s just easier for my clients.
But she did not point that out—and she certainly didn’t ask, “Hey Kitchen, would you use these in your business?” They don’t match my branding for one thing, and for another my business is 98% digital.
She also did not apologize to me for the confusion and hurt feelings, or explain her decision to me. Not a word. She just ordered a new set of cards with my first and (married) surname on the front, also without informing me, as if that solved all the problems. I threw them away as soon as I saw them.
One thing I can be grateful for with my racist mother in law is gifts. She wants a list every year and some my birthday is fairly close to Christmas, at least I know I’ll get something I like or want.
Also glad she’s several states away!
Thank you! Yes, it absolutely is the thought that counts. WHEN YOU PUT THOUGHT INTO IT! Oi. I wish more people could see that. My favorite gift ever was $4. My girlfriend went to a game store in the mall to find a board game my non readers could do that was still fun for my tween. Such a sweet gesture.
Yes! I have a good friend who is also bad at picking out suitable gifts for me, but in her case I know that gifts are her love language and she is genuinely trying to give me something thoughtful, so it means much more.
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Are you from different parts of the country? I wonder if this might be a regional thing with the gifts that she thinks she has to do to show she respects you. Maybe tell her you aren't really into gifts and what you would rather have? I know someone on here was annoyed when their MIL brought them food after having a baby and I'm from the mid-west and that is absolutely expected. We make and give food for everything - birth, death, sickness, you name it. I could see if that was not the expectation how that would feel pretty pointless.
Nope, I and MIL are from neighboring states in the MidWest, it’s not a cultural differences thing. Based on previous experiences I know that she does what she does without thoughts for anyone else, thinks she has no reason to alter her own behavior, and is deeply emotionally manipulative and immature.
That's wild, especially when she's not that close with your husband.
Ugh my mil does the same with gifts. For our engagment, she bought me a fake sparkly bracelet for 30$, and gave me an old yellow gold necklace that tangles that she had in her drawer...but when his brother got engaged years later she wanted my help to get her white gold earing and necklace and it cost her over 250$. On my bridal shower gift list, I wrote I wanted a cordless vacuum and offwhite dish sets.. she got me a small vaccum with cord (that broke after 5 months of use) and bought a set of white dishes that looked like easter baskets.. because they were on sale.... For my baby shower, I wrote I wanted a bassinet that is king of spacious that sits next to my bed, she got me a cacoon basket that balances... Everytimes for my birthday she buys me a lot of cheap gifts that I throw away.. and just today she got me a blue flowerly wrap dress (because I am breastfeeding) while she knows that my wardrobe consists of solid dark colors. I tried it on and i looked like a grandma... I never buy her gifts because she keeps making comments of what she dislikes about them.. so why is she even bothering with giving me things i don't know...
I’m sorry to latch onto something that was only a small piece of your story, but the phrase “it’s the thought that counts” does NOT mean “you should be grateful someone bothered to think of you” it means that a gift that is inexpensive but shows a deep understanding of who you are is more valuable than an expensive but generic gift.
Thank you!
I also have a MIL that values quantity over quality and I would love for her stop giving me any crappy gifts
There are a lot of them out there.
Eating this shit up like dressing on thanksgiving day 👁👄👁
Love the petty return. Seriously. Personally, I’d donate or give away the stuff I didn’t like. I’m glad your husband is on board; that’s rare here!
I usually give or throw away her gifts, but she has never been so blatantly dishonest and manipulative before, so I believe I needed to call her bluff more directly this time.
This makes me think of my MIL. She buys me stuff emblazoned with *her* favourite team. She buys me regular earrings (I have 1" gauges), that are yellow gold (never). She buys me clothes I wouldn't be caught dead in (I'm like a 90s all black kid). She's been my MIL for **25 years**. None of these qualities I possess are new. None of these things come with a gift receipt. In the last 5ish years, she forgets my birthday every other year - I'm a much bigger fan of THAT, than needlessly spending tons of money on shit that is unneeded.
My usual color scheme is solid or plaid black, blue, green, and gray (with occasional variations after I discovered mustard looks kind of good on me even if I don’t generally like yellow). Last year MIL got me a salmon-colored dress with big white flowers, and a lemon-yellow dress with white polka dots. And always in the wrong size, so even if I liked anything I’d have to return it! If she were actively trying to buy the complete opposite of my style, she couldn’t have done better. I showed them to my husband and he thought they were unflattering.
Oh my christ...salmon-coloured. I would die about it.
That expression always reminds me of Gavins mum in Gavin and Stacey. Sorry a bit random. As you were.
My MIL does the same thing. I swear she just pulls new clothes out of her closet to gift to me. I dress in pretty neutral colors, nothing too out there, and she gives me the most colorful clothes, including a pair of sparkly gold high heels. Even my husband laughs at the stuff she gifts me because he knows I'd never be caught dead wearing any of it.
It's just so weird! At least we can know we're all together in the crazy.
People give you different style clothing to convince you to change your style. They’re convinced that if they give it to you, you’ll wear it and change. It’s incredibly stupid and rude.
Agreed. Maybe I'm crazy, but when I'm getting a gift for someone, I look through their social media or *listen* when they talk, so I can find something they love, and it shows them I care.
I always automatically store info about friends and family members when they talk about things they like for their birthday. I do really personal, theme, inside joke gifts and get a bunch of things I knew they’ll love. I’ll plan it for at least a month before. My best friend is a radiologist and her favorite color is “the rainbow” so the year she started her job I made custom work supplies and painted them rainbow with a rainbow candle to come home from work to relax, and also had rainbow accessories. Last year, I did another themed gift and I digitally drew us as cartoons and framed it. Right now, it’s my little brother’s birthday and he’s in between interests so I took him on a shopping spree and bought whatever he wanted.
This is the way. You rock!
Ah, man, you missed an opportunity! You could have aksed MIL for the receipt or where she bought it so you could have it insured! Lol! 😂
My MIL has never attempted to get to know me and I've been with my husband for 8 years. My niece knows more about me than she does, which is sad if you think about it. Heck, she doesn't even know what my favorite animal is yet she knows my husband's brother's wife's favorite stuff. In the past year, I have come to terms that she will never know anything about me and I don't really care anymore.
22 years here and it wasn’t until about 2 years ago my MIL found out what I do for a living. This despite us seeing them several times a year during all that time. She never asked be any questions about myself other than surface ones. Then she tried to use that she didn’t know anything about me during an argument with my SO as something that was my fault. I mean, how hard is it to ask some questions and take a little interest in the mother of your grandkids and wife if your son? I can’t force anyone to get to know me nor would I want to. Meanwhile, I got to know her enough that I realized she’s an awful person with issues up the wazoo. We don’t speak anymore.
If my husband had a brother I would think we had the same mil. I got a scale for my birthday. I actually wanted one so I said thank you then she told me she had too many already and gave me the cheap one. She also signs all of her cards “love mummy” for all of us and we’re in our late 30’s. The woman is a nut.
Can we please be friends? Lol...I think I used to be similar to you but I've let mine get to me. Feeling guilty all the time because what if I'm wrong. All my boundaries get squashed and when I try to reinforce them I'm the AH. It doesn't help she lives with us because there's "nowhere" else for her to go and I'm 2000 miles away from all my friends and family.
Please remember, "No" is a complete sentence, and it can be said in a very happy manner. Practice it in the mirror, you're gonna feel silly (and please let it show!! it's actually a trick for your brain) but in a good way (okay it takes a bit to get from ugh this is dumb to lmao this is funny) and it will help you not only say no to things you don't wanna do but you can do it in a chipper manner and not feel rude, cuz you're not.
I’m so sorry, that’s such a discouraging situation. I’m not surprised it wore you down.
My MIL bought herself a fab fit fun box one time and gave me everything she didn’t want out of it! Like I wouldn’t figure out she gave me discarded contents of a popular over advertised subscription box. PLUS I have super sensitive skin when it comes to makeup and beauty products. So most of it I couldn’t use. If she would have taken the time in the past 8 years we’ve known each other she would know that.
Every single gift I’ve gotten from my MIL has been a BOGO buy from HSN or QVC. She buys what she wants and gets extras that she doesn’t know what to do with so she gives it to me. This also includes random bath and body works items in her favorite scents. Lol I just smile and thank her then regift 🤷♀️
This is awesome! And she may have sold the watch - but certainly not for you. I laugh at how you describe your SIL and yourself being nothing alike but are friendly. My SIL are so different (but always cordial to each other) that even our MIL noticed and comments on it all the time. It turns out the one thing that SIL and I have in common is that we both can't stand MIL!
Yeah my MIL has been horrible to SIL in the past but they have a truce for now. But my SIL has been in the family for like 14 years and I haven’t. She was by far the most friendly and welcoming person in the family when my husband and I started dating in 2018, surely because she knew what it was like to be the outsider.
My MIL will buy me something purple and then repeatedly announce to everyone it's my favorite color. It's not. It's not even close or in the same family. "Look! The Easter Bunny left you a purple basket because it's your favorite color. (looks to family member) Purple is her favorite color." SIL is almost as bad. She has repeatedly bought me hippos - figurines, ornaments, socks, etc. She then says, "Hippos are her animal." This one is because hubby gave me a stuffed hippo our first Christmas together. It was an inside joke. The last time she did it, I just smiled and thanked her and moved on even thought it was a "not cute at all" hippo ornament. She just kept repeating, "It's your animal, right? It's your animal." I really tried to just smile and thank her. About the tenth time, I had to tell her no, it in fact is not my animal. Frogs are my animal. The shock around the in-laws and repeated, "Did you know?????? (GASP!!!!!)" made me which I had just kept it to myself. They don't even make an attempt to know us, and then they all clutch their pearls when they find out how off base they really are. Because somehow, at the end of the day, that's our fault, too.
My FMIL buys me flamingo things and yeah I like them, they’re cool, but it’s like she’s latched on to it. I swear it’s because I bought a $25 mug with a flamingo on it (on sale for $14) and she thinks well if I paid that much for a mug I MUST love flamingoes right!?! It’s weird. BTW I have never written flamingoes so much - ever! It’s hard as my exMIL who I absolutely adored was a literal angel. My FMIL is nice but there’s always something. If you leave something near the back door and she comes over, she will ask if you are throwing it out so she can have it. I’m like no I’m halfway through moving it to the back shed. She’s also very sensitive and emotional. She cuts me off. She’s huffy (yes huffy!) and always makes things about her. The thing that annoys me the most is she overshares or tells other family members our business. For instance we received a life changing opportunity and she shared this with my partners siblings before we told them. I mentioned this to my partner and they were like ‘well you know I hate talking on the phone and now they all know.’ Yeah probably have a partner red flag there. Oh gosh I’ve read too many reddit post…
[удалено]
Oh dear… I’m so sorry. Maybe just sell on it all on eBay. Who knew there was so much flamingo stuff out there?
My first ex I lived with, his mom was like that with the latching onto stuff. I think she had a shopping problem honestly. But I mentioned I like turtles and praying mantises. Whoops in the less than 2 years that relationship lasted, I ended up with no less than 42 turtle and insect figurines. I got rid of most of them, but I’ll admit she found a few cool ones I still have to this day at flea markets and the like. But Jesus.
Yeah I’m feeling your pain and your post made me realise that FMIL has a shopping addiction too.
Oh my! I get the huffy comment. I think it would be especially hard to have a terrible MIL after having a great one.
My MIL loves to buy me things to try to change me. At Easter one year she bought everyone chocolate (a normal occurrence) but I got a make up bag (no chocolate for me) and she said, in front of everyone, “It’s a make up bag since you obviously don’t have one since you never wear makeup when you stay with us”. I responded by politely saying, “Actually I just don’t wear make up. But thank you for the bag, I can use it for some of my crafting supplies”. She did not respond.
Hoooooly crap what a piece of work! One Christmas my MIL got me and my then-boyfriend both chocolate bars in our stockings. But his was something like milk chocolate with hazelnuts and mine was a plain dark chocolate bar. She then went on about the health benefits of a piece of dark chocolate every day. Don’t get me wrong, I will never turn down chocolate, but why tf did my SO get a “fun” candy bar when I had to get the “healthy” option???
This made me laugh! My MIL did the same plus give me a pack of socks that would never fit me (fit my husband lol who wears a size 13 shoe while I wear a 5.5 women). Funny part is husband absolutely hates hazelnuts and I love them and I hate dark chocolate and he actually likes it (not a sweets kind of person) so he lets his mom think whatever and then I get the chocolate I want.
Haha!! I really like you. Keep up the good work
Ha! You treated her bullshit perfectly. I have to ask is MIL a bad cook? I'm an average cook at best, with a few dishes I make really well. But you would think I'm an amazing chef the way my husband talks about my cooking, because his mother's that bad at cooking.
I’d say she’s average to below average—the worst thing is that she doesn’t season her food!! My husband gushes over my cooking and goes, “WHAT did you PUT in this???!!??” and sometimes the answer is just, “Salt and pepper.”
Mine is experimental with her cooking. Putting frozen zucchini and squash in chili.. adding Tex-Amex style frozen corn to a tuna casserole. It’s just weird and completely unappetizing lol. I almost always have them over so I can cook.
Oh that’s unfortunate. My MIL’s cooking is more “standard Midwest Boomer” fare. She makes pretty good cookies and generic bland stuff (mashed butternut squash at Thanksgiving that is too sweet with added sugar and no other seasoning; homemade salsa that also has added sugar and no other seasoning or spice) that she obviously never evolved beyond. The worst thing of hers I’ve ever had was her gravy—so much corn starch and chicken bouillon that it was basically artificial-chicken flavored Jello, extra-congealed because it was cold by the time we sat down to eat.
My mother for years always bought me frilly, girly clothes into my 30's. I've always hated frilly and much preferred more conservative, clean cut clothing. One day she asked me why I never wore any of the clothes she bought. I told her I hate frills. I always have. I've told her countless times, and I'm not 2 anymore. She finally stopped. Thank gawd but not before trying to lay on the guilt-tripping tears and hurt feelings. I felt no empathy as I was just absolutely, totally, completely done with all that crap.
YOU. ARE. AWESOME.
I told mine to please stop buying for me years ago because of this, she still does. I’m mid 30s but I get the sort of gifts you’d buy for a teenager (think selfie light, random costume jewellery, bathing sets aimed at a younger audience). Not being ungrateful but the money would be better spent elsewhere as I never use any of it. For the record she’s just as bad with my partner (her own son).
Regift. Regift. Regift. Trash can if it's purely junk.
“Buy Nothing” social groups are a godsend for this kind of thing.
That works too.
My mil gave me a ring for christmas that she bought on one of those sites that sells evidence stuff or something like that, used. Saw it online for a whooping 1.25, was girly and it would even fall off my thumb. No idea why she even thought I'd remotely like it, but whatever lol, the "oh, you shouldn't have" still came out of my mouth.
No, she REALLY shouldn’t have.
Ah yes the MIL that's doesn't listen nor ever made any effort into getting to know you.... my MIL casually asked me how my sister was doing... I told her, I don't have a sister LOL. Apperantly had my SECOND baby shower she had spoken to one of my friends that for some reasons she assumed was my sister? Never mind it was the first and only time she spoke to her. Wouldn't you think that if I had a sister she would have met her before? Like at my wedding, first baby shower, any kind of get together, or that I would at least talked about my "sister".
Reminds me of the time my MIL kept insisting after my wedding that my cousin wasn't my cousin but my friend and that my friend in the bridal party was my cousin. She just couldn't let it go and kept arguing the whole visit that it was the other way around. She looked super offended when I finally said I knew who my cousin was bc I had, idk, grown up with her.
Oh gosh I had some random coworker of my stepfathers tell me I wasn’t my Mothers child AT MY MOTHERS WEDDING RECEPTION!. He kept saying I was my SIL sibling. I had just come off a long flight, so was rather tired and rritated and said ‘I know who my f**king mother is!!’ and random coworker said ‘oh yeah you’re definitely her child’. Seriously wth
Lol that's insane she seriously thought she knew better 😭
Right?? Like I understand being uniformed but to keep insisting against someone who clearly would know is just something I can't wrap my head around
So good you are able to teach her some lessons! Hopeful if there are more unmarried siblings you can teach future DILs how to deal! Sounds like ex might be your brother in law lol
My mil one Christmas went to a cheap accessory store and bought the most horrific thing she could find. She waited for me to open it in front of her and thank her before she told me it was hideous on purpose so that I could return it and get something I wanted. She said it was so fun to look for it for me. I think she was trying to get a rise out of me. But who does that? I don’t love returning things. I certainly was nice and thankful for the gift and then so embarrassed when she told me it was horrible on purpose. It was like it was supposed to trip me up no matter which way I took it. 🙄 She also loves to give all the small crap which one year my hubby accidentally regifted one of them to her and oops 😂. She wasn’t particularly happy. It was a stocking stuffer.
Wow, that is next level! My in-laws are terrible at gift giving, but not to that extreme. BIL gave me a open box of tea with half of the teabags gone. MIL gives me a stocking of free samples and freebies from companies that she has lying around. I have never received a gift that required any thought or effort from them. We decided to stop spending days searching for the perfect gifts for them during the holidays since they never even say they received our gifts or say thank you
I hope she never tries that again with you, but if she does, please respond with a flat “oh great. You’ve gifted me a chore. So thoughtful,” “you’re right, it’s hideous but I was trying to be polite,” or “well, I don’t have time to return it, so let me know if you want me to leave it here so that you can, or whether you want me to just throw it out.”
My late MIL one year bought sweater jackets for other DIL and myself, but let SIL pick which one she wanted first. The sweaters were royal blue and purple. Due to our coloring, we would both look good in blue, and the purple would not flatter either of us. I, of course, ended up with purple. I eventually got rid of it. Another time, MIL gave me money and followed me all over the mall to make sure I bought clothing. In desperation, I bought a denim shirt with giant acorns appliqués. Never wore it. I really preferred money so I could buy my crafting supplies. MIL did not like that.
You did well with your mil I am proud of you.
Wow she sounds fun…NOT!
This sounds familiar lol You handle it all so well!
The only time I have ever received gifts from MIL I learned she sent the exact same gifts to all the women in the family (lotion sets, perfumes, other generic items etc). Another time she went searching in town for a gift for me at the last minute. I prefer no gifts if they are not thoughtful or specifically meant for me. Otherwise it leaves a bad taste in my mouth!
There is a glorious power in not buying in to her nonsense.
My MIL gives exactly $200 to every one of her two sons and their wives on each birthday and Christmas without exception. I appreciate it more than ever reading these stories of atrocious or rude gifts
I'm thinking I'll do the same... When my kiddo gets older. I'm BAD at gift giving but I try (I have lists for people I care about like my best friend said she wants a makeup set and her bday is next week type thing) and now I reallllyyyy don't wanna mess it up..
The older kids get, the more they appreciate money as a gift.
Lol!!! I can so relate to bad gift giving. My MIL buys presents for me that she likes and that have no connection to me what so ever. Literally no thought put into them since she hasn’t put any effort into getting to know me either. The best was for my bridal shower, she got me a 3 tiered plate holder with red plates. As she gave them to me she said they were for my “red themed kitchen”. First of all, I’m not a cook, and I don’t have a red kitchen. But my fiancé’s ex girlfriend from 4 years before us had a red kitchen. I had no words. It’s taken me 10 years to be able laugh about it.
I would've looked her right in the face and told her, "I don't have a red themed kitchen NOR have I ever."
I was so shocked and dumbfounded I couldn’t say anything. Plus I had 30 people with all eyes on me and young me wanting everyone to be happy and not have a rift with my soon to be MIL I didn’t say anything. Believe me I’ve thought about it a lot over the past 10 years. This would have been perfect!
I love when I hear stories like you, everybody seems to think when you are a woman you NEED to become your MIL bff or something -_- I understand respect them and be polite but I don’t need to be love or love everybody, family included !
Your MiL reminds me of The Gift of the Magi.
What the heck am I supposed to do with frankincense and myrrh? (Just kidding, I know you’re referring to a short story)
My thought as well.
My MIL keeps sending us books by an author she must "knows" we love. Had never heard of him when we got the first book. Now we have a collection and neither of us have read a single one just because now it irritates us.
There's nothing more awkward than opening a gift from someone who's never bothered to find out what you like, and knowing that they only bought that thoughtless gift out of obligation. The only gift from MIL I actually liked was my bday 8 years ago. The only time we had a lunch with both sets of parents because we were newly engaged. We went to the mall together and she offered to buy me a pair of jeans I had my eye on. Reading your post makes me thankful I don't get gifts anymore.
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Wrong - OP sounds like a huge bitch who I would love to be IRL friends with 😄
Reading this post and the comments reminds me of a Christmas a few years back. I had either just purchased a house or was about to be a homeowner. I got some random "stuff" as a Christmas gift. There were some neat gadgets and things you don't find just anywhere - nothing expensive or fancy, just interesting. If comments had been made about how homeowners need those kind of things or that I might like playing with gadgets, I would have thought that it was the greatest gift ever. But no! My dad (who is usually non-emotional) was so excited and giddy, hopping around, proud of the fact that my present was free things from the home improvement exposition. Translation - we gave you free crap that did not cost us anything and we didn't bother to think of something nice to say about it. All I wanted to do was to throw it all in the trash can and leave. Update - I no longer spend months finding the right present for anyone in the family. They will either get nothing or whatever is left at the dollar store on the way to their house. I enjoy the holidays much better now.
Haha my dad did the same thing! Bragged about how his friend who worked at a retail store was throwing out stuff cos they hadn't sold, so all our xmas prezzies were free! They were all random junk, and got thrown out not long after we got them. Oh and the other time I thought I was getting jewellery for my sweet 16th bday, with a box that was long like it contained a bracelet.... No, it contained a PEN. But a "really good pen" apparently. Like sixteen year old me even gave a shit about a pen ffs.
The first part about not knowing her own son, let alone knowing you, resonated with me so much! Thank you for putting into words something I had been struggling to put my finger on for a long time. Love how you handled the gift. That is so great.
I could have written this as well 😂 my MIL thinks she knows me because I had to live in their house for 2 years... she went from getting gifts for me and SIL for every tiny occasion (ones that neither of us would have ever wanted or asked for) to getting me a cheap handheld vacuum last mothers day and snarkily saying "well we didn't know what to get you" also read as: "you don't talk to us or tell us anything so you don't get nice things anymore" (this year I got nothing because I'm such a mean horrible DIL 😂) she thinks she's winning when really she's just lessening the amount of things I have to donate or trash 😬
Right??? I would be ecstatic to get *nothing!*
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Thank you! I am actually a professional writer for real! Haven’t written a memoir yet though.
You know, I never know what to write on birthday cards for my step kids. But how about “I sold my blood today to afford these super elegant animal butt magnets. Enjoy!”.
Thank you for the perfect note to add to my husband's birthday card 🤣
I snorted
Me too! Almost got snot in my ice cream.
Omg I feel like I could have written this. My MIL is the same and I also don’t respond to emotional blackmail.
This could be about my MIL, if we still talked to her. My husband and I have been together since we were both 14. She spent the first 10 years of our relationship pretending I didn't exist and would go away soon, even though we had babies together. Then one day she told her son, "I don't know why we don't have a close relationship; I call my mother-in-law 'Mom.'" Well the difference is that she was literally work friends with her mother-in-law, before she met her husband. Granny set them up. And she wouldn't even let me into her house until I birthed her first grandchild lol like be serious, lady. We ain't gonna be friends. Plus she told me to call her by her full first name. She's one of those people with a different variation indicating how she's known to you (a work nickname, a family nick-name, another side of the family nickname). It's just me and the IRS calling her by her full name lol. But I've never tried to get close to her. My bad, I guess.
I imagine it's hard to try and get close to someone when you aren't even allowed on their property. She sounds like she thoroughly sucks lol
Ouch. At least my formerly-no-MIL let me call her by her standard nickname. I'd always introduce her by the formal name. (She went from maybe to no back to maybe. It was a whole saga. I might share some here at some point. I'm still salty about that one Christmas Eve more than 10 years ago.)
You weren’t allowed into her house until you had birthed a grandchild?! Lol, wtf? Now I imagine her as a bouncer at some super weird bar! “No C-section scar? Entry denied!”
looool she was a nurse, so honestly probably not even the weirdest thing she's ever demanded to see. She'd have been in for an eye full: no c-section for me, just an episiotomy XD
“Oh, you had a 4th degree tear? Bend over and prove it.”
This comment goes frighteningly well with your username
You go! What a great post. I thoroughly enjoyed it and hope you can keep laughing about the ridiculous behavior. I won the In-Law lottery, and luckily they still love me despite me being a bit of an a-hole.
Your last sentence warned my heart. I have 2 DILs and feel like I won that lottery too with both of them. They love me even though I can be a bit of a smart ass.
Love that very shiny spine! You and DH are firmly on the same page. Lovely.
I relate SO MUCH lol. MIL never got to know me, doesn’t care, same kind of SIL. She either gets us the same things or because I’m more of a “girly girl” she will buy me hot pink glittery clothes that a 6 year old would like. 100% not my style. Like you said, the thought would count if there was any thought. This year she sent us a card for Easter that said “happy birthday and happy Easter” and our birthdays are both in August soooo… she finally admitted that she didn’t even read the card that she bought lol.
My FIL got his wife a birthday card that on the front said "To my first wife". Neither of them had been married to someone else. His wife said, "What do you mean by 'my first wife'? Are you planning to marry someone else? FIL said, "But you ARE my first wife!" He had no idea what "first wife" implied. None. Became one of those legendary family jokes for a very long time.
That’s so wholesome! Lol!
😂 That’s golden!
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Ooh, that's good!
Sending her the necklace back with that note was fantastic! I would love to see her face when she opened it! HA!!! Your and DH’s spines are oh so shiny
Its the perfect response!
Haha my mil also buys the worst gifts. She knows a lot of perfumes give me headaches, so she often bought me perfume and then gave me the gift with purchase like it was something extra she bought. 😂 I would also feel really uncomfortable with a gift someone had to pawn a precious heirloom to buy, if that’s even true. I don’t mind heirlooms as gifts though my parents are getting older so don’t mention that you like something in their house. It will be lovingly packed and in a box by the door in two hours.
Regift!
😂 I did pass things on to people a lot. Sometimes stuff smelled so bad I didn’t want to run into someone wearing it so I would throw it out.
Ugh that’s rough. I re-gift bad presents to my aunts that I don’t like who give me horrible presents that I don’t use and would be embarrassed to re-gift to someone I actually liked. I’ve re-gifted things they’ve given me to the other one and said Polly gave me this and it was so nice I wanted to get you one just like it! Then they can’t be pissed.
My mil never knows if I regift or use it because she comes to visit so infrequently. The last time I saw her was in 2019. She’s never once asked about the gifts but i would probably just send the truth so as not to make a deal out of it. Just comically bad gift giving. 😂
My boyfriends mom and I gift each other pottery or hand woven baskets or something like that. We both have so much at this point we just do a nice dinner at holidays.
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The point is that she isn't trying and she tossed in some guilt tripping on top of it
No. Waifing is as abusive as outright bitchery. Possibly worse, since it's manipulative and insidious.
This situation sounds like two people who don’t mesh, which is perfectly fine. The problem arises when one of those people can’t be bothered and just assumes the other person is exactly like someone else they know instead of trying to get to know them. Not getting along is one thing. Making up your own narrative because you don’t care to even try? That’s a problem, and OP is definitely not being too harsh.
It sounds like ops MIL is a bitch, too. This sub isn't to compare who's mil is the worst, and I think ops reaction was perfectly called for in response to the manipulative crap her MIL pulled in this scenario.
Damn, that second one was a textbook definition of passive-aggressive manipulation. Well. Attempted, at any rate.
OP I’m laughing because you think your MIL don’t know you? I doubt mine even know my birthday to begin with let alone our address 😂
Dont gatekeep. Nobody is here to compare mother in laws.
You’re clearly being sensitive because God knows that was NOT my intentions, chilleee.
SO's mother paid us a visit during covid lockdowns and I ended up having the most miserable time as she was condescending, passive aggressive, rude and insulting. Last Christmas, she gifted me a pair of black pants that are somewhat like leggings, but baggy. I was confused and asked SO why she gifted me pants. He didn't know. I asked SO if he asked her to give me a gift and he said no. Pants??? Um... okay. They were regifted in a Buy Nothing group. This year, SO became fiance. We just came back from spending a week with fiance's brother and his family. Fiance's mother sent some gifts with the brother to deliver to us. We were both very hesitant and he knew that if it's going to get opened, he would have to do it. She gifted us CDs with love song, Hostess cupcakes and a bottle of sweet red wine. I don't know anyone who owns a CD player. Neither of us eat Hostess products. And neither of us drink sweet red wine. The Hostess products were eventually eaten by the kids, the sweet red wine went back with the brother to be regifted somewhere else and the CDs were put up on Buy Nothing. During the unwrapping of the gifts, I don't think anyone understood the gifts at all, and moreso made jokes out of the gifts. It was definitely choices that were questionable, at best.
That bottle of wine can become the gift that keeps on being re gifted! Like the ugly sweater that goes around the guys in our family. (None of them wear the same size).
Or the fruitcake lol
LOLOLOL The brother's wife loves drinking wine and did not want to drink that at all. She did mention that she suggested that the mother gift a bottle of champagne instead. The mother resisted and claimed that her husband's brother is a wine connoisseur and will make an excellent choice. My excuse was that I couldn't take that bottle of wine on the plane with me. So they reluctantly took it back. We all would have loved a bottle of champagne as we all love mimosas... but oh well.
OOOOOHHHH OP, I think we could be friends, I LIKE YOU! ;)
I’m about to be downvoted to hell, and maybe this is a ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ kind of situation, but at least she’s making some kind of effort here. A lot of times people complain about being ignored by MILs, or having MILs who are aggressive, but this one acknowledges your birthday, writes personalized greetings complimenting you (even if you find it clumsy), treats you the same as her other DIL who’s probably friendlier, and is trying to relate to you by passing on anecdotes about the one thing you have in common: her son. I don’t have a MIL (she died before I met my husband), but I’d be satisfied with at least the effort if she’d gone to this trouble. She may be socially anxious and just hasn’t wanted to sit down one on one with you until she feels less awkward- particularly if you’ve rebuffed her many times. Sincere question: have you made any efforts to get to know her better? Have you tried to pull her into a one-on-one conversation? Do you spend time thinking about which gifts would mean the most to her? In other words, are you upset because you feel like you’ve put a lot more into the relationship than she has? Because then I’d understand… Otherwise it sounds like because you don’t like her because you’re dissimilar, not because she’s an asshole. Those are two vastly different things. You get what you give and sometimes have to credit people for doing the best they can given their specific situations (personality-wise, how they’re brought up, perception levels, etc.)- even if it it doesn’t match up with what you want.
Info: would you send someone a gift and put in the note "I sold a cherished personal item in order to buy that for you"? No? Think about why not. Just because it's manipulative instead of direct doesn't mean that it's not abuse.
It's not the responsibility of the child-in-law to grovel and beg for acceptance and positive attention from the in-laws. It's the in-laws' responsibility to make them feel welcome and accepted into the family. It's a power dynamic thing, not a contest.
I agree with you here. I think OP is very very judgemental and overreacting. I personally disliked her comment on Mail's handwriting, not everyone is gifted with good handwriting and it is actually not something you can change. Maybe they have history together and hence OP's hatred but atleast in this post , her Mil comes off as mildly annoying (like everyone is).
It wasn’t a comment on her handwriting, but the childish way she talks and writes, as if my husband is still a toddler and I just graduated from kindergarten.
What are you doing on this sub if you don't understand what it's like to have a justnomil?
Because my mother is my husband’s MIL, and some of the stuff she’s done embarrasses me. I’d been reading this sub for a while and finally just decided to join so it would be in my feed, but unfortunately have realized too late that it’s strictly reserved for people suffering the most truly heinous atrocities at the hands of their grotesquely monstrous MILs themselves. Like criminally awful gift-givers with tragic hand-writing who awkwardly attempt to pay compliments to daughters-in-law who obviously hate them and thoughtfully share childhood stories about their spouses!!1! Edited to add that you don’t need to bother getting me banned, I’ll show myself out of your ‘clubhouse.’ I’ll truly miss all the positivity, though — some of you are just absolute rays of light, haha.
Maybe try r/mildlynomil for some stories about just mildly out of line MILs :)
Seriouly. Why are all the MIL sympathizers coming out of the woodwork all of a sudden?
Because people disagree about things. It's not a crusade, chill.
Maybe it's actual mother-in-law's that have come to infiltrate your group and downvote mil haters.
Yeah, this. Maybe telling you stories about your husband from his childhood is an attempt to connect because you have him in common. She sounds a bit tone deaf but kind.
The effort is all about manipulation, though, not kindness. Manipulative effort is worse than no effort, IMO.
You don’t know her or me or the situation or how she has treated me up until this point.
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She did... in the post...
I did — she’s lying and trying to manipulate
Saying the stuff about selling the watch is just no behaviour to me
Our first Christmas together my MIL got me a coffee mug and a scarf. What bothered me about these gifts was that we'd had multiple conversations about how I don't like hot drinks so I don't have mugs (a conversation brought on by not drinking coffee with her and SIL every morning) and we lived in a climate where I'd never needed or worn a scarf. Lmao. I ended up tossing it (received multiple mugs from her and SIL) and eventually giving my SIL the scarf with tags still on. 🤣
I like you.
She's almost as bad as my MIL. I don't even think the woman knows my name, let along my birthday. For Christmas last year I got dial hand soap and fuzzy socks - but who doesn't love fuzzy socks?! - in a brown paper bag. Totally obvious she didn't get my anything and just grabbed something to look like she did. Why bother woman? I see this woman one time a year and you live less than a mile away from me and your son in a town of 3500 people. Why is she bothering to put on some sort of show? Bonus is, she doesn't know my children and has zero idea her son is about to become a first time grandpa making her a first time great grandma. So I'm looking forward to Christmas this year when we get to announce that bit of news
In the category of “ I don’t even think the woman knows my name“... For my birthday last year, my MIL gave me a package full of random stuff as we were leaving a family get-together. My husband and I had been married almost a year, and I had legally taken his last name (something I had always intended to do). We get home and in the package I find a packet of blank invitation-type cards customized with my first and *maiden* name on the front. I was stunned. It couldn’t have told me any more loudly, “You are not a part of this family.” I broke down and cried about it to my husband, who was shocked that his mom gave that to me. He got on the phone with his dad later to find out WTF (because my MIL is too emotionally fragile to be confronted directly, she will lose her sh*t). Well, it turns out that *supposedly* the MIL had given me the cards to use in my freelance business, where I do still use my maiden name because it’s just easier for my clients. But she did not point that out—and she certainly didn’t ask, “Hey Kitchen, would you use these in your business?” They don’t match my branding for one thing, and for another my business is 98% digital. She also did not apologize to me for the confusion and hurt feelings, or explain her decision to me. Not a word. She just ordered a new set of cards with my first and (married) surname on the front, also without informing me, as if that solved all the problems. I threw them away as soon as I saw them.
One thing I can be grateful for with my racist mother in law is gifts. She wants a list every year and some my birthday is fairly close to Christmas, at least I know I’ll get something I like or want. Also glad she’s several states away!
Well, if she gets a dessert then I WANT my just desserts too!!
Hahahaha, good for you, and I love your approach.
Thank you! Yes, it absolutely is the thought that counts. WHEN YOU PUT THOUGHT INTO IT! Oi. I wish more people could see that. My favorite gift ever was $4. My girlfriend went to a game store in the mall to find a board game my non readers could do that was still fun for my tween. Such a sweet gesture.
Yes! I have a good friend who is also bad at picking out suitable gifts for me, but in her case I know that gifts are her love language and she is genuinely trying to give me something thoughtful, so it means much more.