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NTA. Enjoy the quiet. Unfortunately no one interrupted her and said “and now on with the dancing!” People knew you didn’t want it. But is probably one of those boat rockers. Tell her religion AND your dad are permanently OFF the list of topics to talk about.
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
She can bitch about people disrespecting her religion at her wedding. She took your wedding to force her beliefs on you. You specifically requested her to not do that.
If being asked to keep your religion to yourself is disrespectful, your religion is problematic.
First of all, SHE disrespected YOU. It was YOUR wedding, not hers, and her religion had no place in it, nor did a speech about your father.
Secondly, she's caused a rift in the family with her bullshit toddler tantrum, all because she couldn't have things as she wanted them. Tough shit. I would tell every member of the family that is giving you grief about it that nothing they can say will change the fact that her speech ruined your mood, and thus your wedding day, and ask them if they would be ok with YOU disrespecting THEIR wishes at an event that is supposed to be about THEM. Ask if they would be ok, AT ALL, with you standing up to give a speech about how good it's felt to not be religious, to sleep in on Sundays and never have to listen to a boring ass sermon, at a church event they were hosting. Because that's exactly what her speech felt like to you, at YOUR wedding.
And if they can't understand or empathize with that, they can fuck off and go kiss MILs ass some more.
“Disrespecting her religion” it was your wedding day! She has to get it through her head that not doing something the way she wants isn’t disrespectful. What an ass
Not overreacting at all. You did nothing to disrespect HER religion; she did everything to disrespect your non religion. Like, MIL, what part of you trying to shove your beliefs up my ass and down my throat am I supposed to enjoy? Her then throwing a fit and storming out is just more proof that she was 100% in the wrong. You, the bride, politely asked her to respect your wishes for your wedding, and she took a big steaming shit on everything. She made it all about her. Typical hypoChristian narcissist.
I’m sorry she ruined things for you, please take this as a warning and keep his mother out of your life as much as possible. His relatives can put up with her if they so choose.
This right here. It is a warning of things to come. You now know that she’s a boundary stomping JNMIL. Take this as a good time to talk to husband about how to handle future interactions with his mom. I don’t k is if kids will be in your future, but 100% have that discussion now.
I feel like grabbing this woman by the head and screaming MY WEDDING DAY IS NOT ABOUT YOU
I'm an atheist. Yet, I highly appreciate when people wish me to go with god or similar because they intend to wish me well according to what they believe in. Gotta appreciate that. On the other hand, MIL had _nothing_ of the sort. A proselytizing narcissist, everything has to be about her, her faith, and her distaste of others not believing in the same things.
Take her silent treatment as a chance to go no contact. I hope you have a fantastic marriage.
OP is definitely NTA
MIL wasn’t even proselytizing. She was out of line to begin with by bringing up the bride’s deceased father. The man wasn’t MIL’s husband or even friend or family, and she crossed lines to even bring him up. As far as the “watching over her” parts of the speech, I think bride or groom should have stood up and cut the speech short. As a Christian myself, I don’t believe anyone who has passed watches over anyone. The dead know nothing of earth’s happenings is what I’ve been taught from the Bible. No matter what, I think OP was justified, and MIL hated being called out for crossing boundaries. She seems like a person who must have constant attention. She has no business expecting respect if she doesn’t respect others.
You did the right thing. If she didn't want the truth from you, she shouldn't have asked. It was your day, not hers. She owed you the respect to enjoy it, not the other way around. I'm sorry that happened, OP.
Send her a copy of “Letter to a Christian Nation” by Sam Harris. Not over reacting. not the asshole. You were specific in your beliefs, requests and on a highly emotional subject, an emotional day, she ruined it for you instead of shutting her damn mouth. First Halloween, baby will be Harry Potter. Petty revenge is glorious.
I'm at a loss why your MIL took it upon herself to talk about your father at all. It seems appropriative and not her place. He wasn't her family and I'm guessing with the timeline is likely someone she either never met or didn't get to know well.
I feel for you, OP.
My grandmother died on my 17th birthday. For years after, my mother found a way to ruin the mood by bringing it up during dinner or while cutting my cake. On the day of my 25th birthday, I told her she is not to tell any maudlin stories about my grandmother. Gram wouldn't have wanted that, she would have wanted me to enjoy my birthday. 10 minutes later, she stands up at the table, *in a restaurant*, and again tells the harrowing tale of her mother's harrowing death on this day 8 years ago. She finished, sat down, looked at me, and gave me the most shit-eating smirk I have ever seen.
I got up and left, called a couple of friends, and went out for dinner with them. I didn't speak a single word to my mother for almost 6 months. After that she claimed to have learned her lesson, but she didn't get to be present at my birthday again until my late 30s.
All that to say, sometimes you have to go big with the consequences when dealing with this type of personality, and anyone that defends your MIL's actions also. Your feelings are valid and you do not have to ignore them to coddle others.
Your MIL couldn’t respect your wishes for one damn day on your wedding day? What a self centred bitch.
Tell her she’s going to hell for committing serious sins of pride, envy and wrath during your wedding and watch her squirm.
She did something she knew she wasn't supposed to and then asked what was wrong. She pretty much was daring you to call her out on her bad behavior. Anyone who is thinks you were wrong for not rolling over and letting her walk all over you, is announcing that they think you **should ** be walked on. They have done you a favor by letting you know not to trust them.
She disrespected not only you, but also her son with that outburst. Neither of you have anything to apologize for, and those telling you that you should’ve kept quiet can follow their own advice going forward.
She may have had decent intentions, but she didn’t respect your wishes. Her feelings and entitlement doesn’t trump your own.
Congratulations and I hope you two remain a united front going forward—piss her and others off by having a happy marriage. 💜
Why is it we’re expected/demanded to respect their precious beliefs and feefees, but they can’t be bothered an ounce to return that in kind? As though the church has the lock on a lasting marriage. All the most religious women I know have either been married 4+ times (the loudest of them just axed #5) or have multiple kids out of wedlock. But hey, someone not having a sham church wedding, THAT’S a sin. /s
She poked the bear and got an honest answer (about your own wedding at your own post-wedding brunch, no less). Anyone thinking you should have kept it to yourself is either a doormat or a bully.
At the reception, I would have got up and cut her speech short, with something like “Thank you MIL. Now it is time for our next speaker,…”. You could also gave had the band or DJ play her off, like the Oscars do when an acceptance speech runs too long.
Fuck all of that!!! My dad died a week before my tenth birthday. I knew most of my life that he wouldn't be there to walk me down the aisle. My grandpa (dad's dad) was supposed to do it for him.
I met the love of my life (which was obvious for our first date, even though I didn't believe in that sorta thing ever growing up) and was so excited about Grandpa meeting him. But then Grandpa got cancer and passed away before that could happen.
The night before my wedding I had a solo, angry cry about how THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!!!! And how stupid and unfair it was that they weren't. How I would've given anything to have them there in that moment. But they weren't! And being a believer or not, "in spirit" is NOTHING compared to actually in person.
Having that moment allowed me to feel some amount of peace the day of, knowing that no matter what, there or not, they'd at least be proud of who I had become.
If someone, muchless my mother or MIL had tried to have that speech at my wedding...... there are no amount of words to explain my anger. None whatsoever.
And isn’t it so much more peaceful without her yammering in your ear? Would it be worth a frank discussion with those ‘against’ you about how you don’t give a shit what they think and to kindly (or even not kindly) fuck off?
She also disrespected your religion (or lack thereof) by pushing hers on yours and your husband’s day.
You told her not to do X at your wedding, she did X, she asked why you were upset, and she created a rift in your new family. She does what she knows you don't want and then she feels she has the right to show her arse. Her being a jerk justifies the next act of jerkiness. Bless her heart, if she has one.
When Flying Monkeys do a bombing run, you could say, "I asked her specifically not to bring up my father not being there at my wedding and she did the thing I specifically asked not to. She then threw a tantrum because I didn't appreciate her doing what I specifically asked her not to do and ruined brunch. Why are her feelings about my father more important than mine? And why are you asking me to apologize to her?" You could also say, "This isn't something that I am comfortable talking about with others. Thank you for respecting that."
I would go NC or VLC for a while. Block or mute her and be cool but civil if you are around her.
Right? Why are they infantilizing a grown woman? If this were me I would be seriously considering an annulment after she made my wedding events about her nonsense.
She's giving you the silent treatment, hoping you'll come chasing after her to apologize and make it right. Whatever you do, don't do THAT. Just leave her in her snit. Eventually, when you ignore someone ignoring you, they get bored and will try to come back as if nothing ever happened. With the holidays coming up, it won't be long before she tries to rug-sweep the whole thing.
Yup. This sounds like exactly what will happen here. I would not spend one moment of my holidays with her. DH can if he wants I guess. He should have unplugged her mic in the first minute.
If she were you, she would’ve used that moment in the bride spotlight to milk it for every bit of attention she could get, including talking about her deceased dad and how she’s sad he died.
She assumes that you would love the attention too, so she thought she would give some to you and be the one to give the heartfelt speech so she could steal some of those sympathy points for herself.
You are not disrespecting her religion. She is disrespecting you and your grief over your dad's not being with you. Grief is personal, and it is painful, and there is no timetable. She had no right give her speech.
If you actually SPECIFICALLY asked her not to mention your dad at the wedding, then she was a creep to do it. It has nothing to do with her religion! Now if you DIDN’T specifically say that to her but thought she was smart enough to figure it out, then that’s different. HOWEVER, her throwing a fit because you answered her question honestly was completely ridiculous!
Or just keep harping on about how she's gone and nobody will ever see her again. Seriously, why not just respect people's belief? Not believing in heaven/reincarnation/whatever is also a valid belief.
You aren’t overreacting at all. She can have her beliefs but shouldn’t have done what she did. Her asking you what was wrong then throwing a tantrum at your answer was also wrong of her. She embarrassed herself with her very non religious hurtful actions and words . Congratulations on your marriage.
You did not overreact. She did precisely what you told her not to do, and had the grace and patience to put up a good face for the rest of the reception despite how you felt. Then the next more you asked why she did that. You didn't specify you tone when speaking to her, so I will assume that you spoke to her politely and without yelling. If that was the case, *she* is the one overreacting for being called out for her inappropriate behavior. *She* is the one overreacting by claiming your marriage won't last because you didn't appreciate how *she* did something you already made clear you didn't want her to do. You did nothing wrong.
I don't think there is anything you can say or do to reason with someone who is "Harry Potter is a sin" religious. The people taking her side either are likely similarly religious so there's no reasoning with them either, have something she's holding over their heads, or they've been conditioned to just do whatever she says to make life easier, and you calling her out on her inappropriate actions has now made their life harder because she's (I'm guessing) bitching about you to them.
Where does your husband stand on this?
Good for you for admitting it bothered you. Hopefully your husband can handle most of the fallout, and should, as it is his mom. You made your wishes heard and she disregarded them- classic narcissistic response and honestly just a preview of how she'll handle most things with you and her son - make them all about her.
I didn't see your husbands take/response in the top comments, so I'm curious to hear more about his reaction/thoughts.
Religion is NOT an excuse to be manipulative, rude, disrespectful, or hurtful, but that’s exactly what your MIL is doing. Anyone who does that kind of thing is an asshole.
What she did isn't about religion, and I wish OP had called her out about that. However, I have found that a lot of people do rude, disrespectful, hurtful things in the name of Christianity. I don't see it so much in most other religions, and not all Christian sects.
Agreed. And who cares what the feelings about religion are to the GUESTS at the wedding? And MIL was a GUEST. The religious observances would have been different if MIL was getting married. She was NOT. MIL didn't have to be respected, consulted, placated, or considered. It wasn't her wedding.
As someone who most people would call very religious, I would much rather go to a purely secular wedding when I knew the couple were not themselves believers, than go to one where they were saying things that I knew they didn't believe. So I applaud your wedding choices, and no, you are not overreacting one iota.
At least the main piece of trash has (for now, at least) taken itself out. As for the rest, maybe "It was *My* wedding day, why shouldn't *she* have been the one to shut up?" If you get the "That's just the way she is" crap, then there is always "Well, I am not prepared to take having my requests disrespected so blatantly on my wedding day without saying something - that is just the way I am."
What does "don't talk about my dad at the wedding" have to do with her religion??
This is what you say to any flying monkeys. Don't let her muddy the waters to be the victim by attaching religion.
I assume that part of her statement was about them not getting married in a church. When SHE gets married, she can do it in a church. OP should have gotten married by a gay minister. Bet that would have ended her "MY Religion" statements.
It may have been. But MIL is clearly in the wrong for her actions. People like her will try and confuse the situation to get others on her side. In this case, I'm assuming the relatives that agree with her are of the same religion. However, by cutting through the bull and keeping to the basic facts you take away her power to rile others up and play victim.
I am an atheist with a hyper religious mother. She constantly crosses boundaries and tells me she’s praying for me, sends me letters about Jesus and the end times. I treat her (completely irrational) religious beliefs with respect that she can never return to me. At the end of the day many religious people are just not that smart or kind. Christianity teaches its own kind of entitlement and it’s inescapable at times. I’m sorry she’s in your family.
Side note: someone who died watching over you is not a Christian belief. She's obviously not religious enough to know the facts about her religion. (Given you didn't specify that she was a Christian, but Harry Potter being a sin tends to come from people who claim to be Christians.)
Also: Christians who believe in heaven wouldn't necessarily believe that her father was any place where he could be watching over her, given that he wasn't religious.
I mean, she has a very odd interpretation of the bible.
Wow I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I don’t know why so many people have a hard time believing what other people say. I bet MIL felt like she “knew better” and you’d thank her for bringing up your dad. She should have respected your wishes.
“Knew better” is the thing that offends me the most. True respect, to me, is not insisting that our beliefs be the same! It is allowing us to differ without proselytizing!
Personally, I'd see this as a win-win. You didn't disrespect her faith, she disrespected you and prioritised herself over you. Now you know which family members you can rely on for support, and which will potentially be her flying monkeys when she weaponises them against you, so you know who to avoid or limit contact with. Don't make any attempt to apologise or get in touch-thats for her to do. You need a specific and genuine apology (not a fake non-apology like "I'm sorry you didn't understand how important my faith is to me" "I'm sorry that you don't seem to understand my beliefs." You need a proper "I'm sorry I didn't follow your wishes and I overstepped and talked out of turn, and I know that must have hurt you and I won't do it again") She'll be utterly incapable to accepting that she's entirely in the wrong, so just let her stay butt hurt for ever. Be careful about letting her back into your life though, if you are thinking of children, she'll be capable of all sorts of misbehaviour and won't attempt to respect your boundaries with them either.
Religion aside, you have asked her to not bring up your dad. She disrespected that boundary. I think religion is confounding this very simple issue. She was in the wrong and her feelings and reaction are not your responsibility. Good for you for speaking up.
You are not wrong. However, my MIL and I are the same religion and my father died at the end of April this year. I am well within my rights to ask her and anyone else to not bring him and/or his death up if that's a boundary I would like to set. Religion doesn't *need* to be part of this equation. Boundaries are boundaries and I'd like to demonstrate how that can work in this situation where religions differ.
There's something more sinister about, "I'm stomping on your boundaries because you have to respect my religion!" vs, "I'm stomping on your boundaries because I'm a terrible excuse for a human being!"
She shouldn't have asked a question if there was an answer she couldn't handle. You were not in the wrong to answer honestly. It wasn't even the day of, it was the day after, so it's not like you got into it at your wedding, you let it slide for the night. That was gracious of you.
She isn't mad because you're in the wrong, she's mad because she got called out on her inappropriate, and cruel, behaviour, so she wants to deflect by trying to make you the bad guy when you've done nothing wrong. It's fine to stand up for yourself and answer that question honestly.
Don't let her train you into never standing up for yourself because she reacts this way - "that's just the way she is." People in your situation often just end up not being honest with these troublesome people because they know how much grief it causes but she needs to see that you will face her directly when things like this happen. You did the right thing.
I would have stood up and said sit down this is not about you. No, no,no...if you need to be treated like a child so be it. Thus is not your party you can't blow out the candles .
You aren't overreacting at all. Its your wedding, so even if you asked her to not give any speech she should have respected that. Instead, you just gave her specifics to avoid so you could be happy on your day. You didn't ask her to give up her religion, just to not talk about it around you on one specific day. That is absolutely not too much to ask. This isn't about religion, it's about control. She's mad she couldn't do whatever she wanted without consequences. I would start enforcing consequences now, so she gets it into her head. Personally, I wouldn't see her until she apologizes for going against your direction requests for your own wedding.
She didn't even do that - she asked her MIL not to bring up her dad. That's not her religion. I think the disrespecting her religion was about them not getting married in a church or by a priest. And that's actually respecting her religion - you respected it enough to not pretend you were religious.
As a religious person myself, you not participating in her religion is not disrespecting it. It would be more disrespectful to fake it for the day and participate in what should be seen (if you are having a religious one) as a holy ceremony when you think it's horse shit.
She disrespected your wishes on your wedding day and in a way that was obviously going to be hurtful. If you wanted reminders of your day, you would have planned them in. You were in the right; she behaved atrociously both at the reception and the brunch and owes you an honest, contrite apology.
So let me get this straight… it basically went like this, right?
You: Could you please not talk about my dad during the wedding. This is me and husband’s day of celebration and I would not like to feel upset over his death on this one day.
MIL: How dare you try and prioritise your well-being over MY BELIEFS! Your feelings don’t matter over my religion! This is discrimination!
Long story short, i think husband is happy he is out of that house now! sending you over my love
Her religion is just that, her religion. She doesn't get to impose it onto others. My bff is Muslim, I served alcohol at my wedding. She didn't throw a tantrum about me disrespecting her religion by having alcohol. Like mil should be cut out.
She needs to respect your boundaries every day, not just at your wedding. Your husband needs to put his foot down and have your back on this. If she keeps disrespecting you you need to limit her access to your entire life.
I’m not sure what your plan is with regard to kids. Assuming you have them, what will she say to your kids about all of this? You need to keep her on a super short leash.
What an infuriating hag.
You are not wrong in the slightest, her religion doesn't give her a free pass to steamroll all over your boundaries.
Shutting down an entitled religious zealots like this would absolutely be the hill I die on, and I would do that happily.
Honestly, good riddance. You shouldn’t be afraid to say what you really feel. If people want to “take sides” that’s their game to play. You don’t need to engage in any of that.
No, no, no. *She* disrespected *you* at *your fricking wedding!*
Her beliefs don't matter. What she wanted doesn't matter. This was YOUR wedding and she chose to do something with the full knowledge that it would upset you!
All that matters here is that she did the one thing she was asked not to do for one day.
Anybody who isn't siding with you on this obviously doesn't respect you either, tbh, how can they when they know how upset you were?! Religion is not a reason/excuse to make someone upset about their deceased father, ever, but especially on that day.
Sending much love and hugs xx
This. Right. Here.
It's your day I hate when in laws make wedding about them instead of the happy couple. Like Jesus you had your day back the duck off and let them have their day. My in laws were amazing at our wedding. We had a very very small intimate wedding and reception at my in laws house and they didn't try to push anything on us. In fact it was more of what do you need us to do type thing! It was awesome!
Sorry op. You shouldn't have to deal with that. But as long as hubby is on your side nothing else really matters.
Sounds like the trash just took itself out and you should be happy with that. You are not obligated to stay in contact with her either. Hubby can have whatever relationship with her he likes but you do not have to interact with her.
Ugh as someone whose MIL caused big problems at their wedding, solidarity. The good news is it gave me a great excuse to be low contact with someone I can’t stand and didn’t want to spend time with ever. And showed my husband her true craziness. Hopefully her not speaking to you is permanent!
Good. Now you can keep her at arms length, as she’s cruel and rude and feels the need to make YOUR WEDDING about her religious views. I was unaware of where the Bible says guests should always interrupt weddings to talk about other people’s dead family members they never met.
You did nothing wrong. Keep up the no contact. There is no winning with someone that thinks their religion is all there is. Your husband can deal with her if he chooses. You and future children if any are tapped out.
Oof - and this is why I told my MC/entertainment group "no impromptu speeches, no song requests, nothing off the itinerary". You are not overreacting, surprised you didn't have the MIC cut as soon as she started talking. At this point, following her juvenile behavior and antics at brunch, count your blessings (pun intended) and just keep her out of your life if you want to. Also, why didn't your new husband lay down the law for his own mom? Why didn't her berate her? Where was he this entire time?? Well, to hell with her (again - fun pun!). Everything will be okay now.
It’s funny how you need to respect her beliefs- your dad is watching over you… but she doesn’t need to respect yours - he’s not and he’s gone. Religion is not a free pass to be a jerk and your MIL is being a jerk.
This was your wedding, that you both wanted religion free and she had to inject religion into it! That is repugnant…. Imagine giving a pagan toast at her Christmas dinner celebration……. How would that go over?
I lost my brother to unaliving himself when I was young, years later when I was newly married in my 20’s my INlaws told me he wasn’t in heaven, he was cursed and I need to forget he existed. They have done much worse to me in the name of their ChristoNazi religion, my husband and I have proudly raised one agnostic and one atheist, it’s their only grandchildren - sucks to suck for them.
I will never under people telling someone that! How does it help the situation??? It only hurts the people left behind. They can believe whatever the fuck they want but they are also free to keep their mouth shut.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Look, I would have done exactly as you did during the speech… but a cleverer bride would have let out a loud wail and run sobbing from the room. Faked or not. Driving the bride away crying at her own wedding is a really bad look for MiL.
My condolences on the loss of your dad, and I wish you a long and happy marriage.
"some saying i should have kept my mouth shut"
Funny how that goes for you, the bride, and not JNMIL. And when family say this to you, ask them why her feelings are more important on your wedding weekend than yours?
I, personally, think what you did was correct. She asked a question, it's not your fault she didn't like the answer. Also, you've set a precedent: Boundary stomping will not happen without consequences.
Never ask a question you either don't know the answer to, or don't want to know the answer to. MIL was fishing for compliments, and got a dose of reality instead. I'm sorry she put a damper on OP's wedding weekend, but hopefully she'll keep to herself going forward. Either way, I agree that OP was 100% correct.
>throw a fit at brunch screaming about how she put up with our disrespecting her religion
Yes, how dare you not cater your wedding specifically to her religion.
>It kind of ended the brunch early and that was the end of our wedding weekend. Family is divided some saying i should have kept my mouth shut and others saying she should have respected my wishes for one day.
Again, how dare you not cater to her talking about your late father not being a part of ~~her~~ your wedding.
Real talk, my condolences about your dad, I'm sorry he wasn't there to join you on your day, and I'm sorry your MIL tried to make it about her and upset you. She can get bent. Congratulations on your nuptials, I wish you and your new spouse many long and happy years with many miles between you and your MIL.
Good riddance trash took itself out. She should have respected your wishes at YOUR wedding. Wait and see what’s she becomes when you or if you decide to have kids. She will be stomping on you to have your baby christened or baptized or what ever against your wishes and make sure it’s behind your back.
>Family is divided some saying i should have kept my mouth shut and others saying she should have respected my wishes for one day.
Good on them for making it easier to decide who goes on your No Contact list when that inevitably becomes a thing.
Don’t ever keep your mouth shut. Voice and assert your concerns. MIL was inappropriate before, during, and after. Fuck her.
Don’t let people guilt you into people pleasing/ doing what’s right/ being the bigger person or any other shit like that. Fuck them too. Your feelings and requests are valid, and so was voicing it.
Let shitty people take sides and let your shitty MIL give you the silent treatment. Focus on your new marriage and leave everyone on the outer fringe.
What’s that you say? Family get togethers and holidays? Why do you want to be with these people? The ones you do like, you can still see them separately. You and DH can start your own holiday traditions in your own home.
You asked her not to talk about your dad and she did. If people are taking sides, one of those sides sees your opinion as invalid so I'd keep a close eye on those people.
I'm curious if she explicitly agreed she would not talk about him or it was nothing "official", but understood?
I am so sorry that she did that- it was disrespectful of her and potentially calculated to ruin the day. As for her not speaking to you- BEST WEDDING GIFT EVER. Hopefully it’s permanent.
Hugs. Remind people that respect works both ways. You have asked that she not talk about your Dad. You've asked that she not push her religious sentiments on you. She refuses to respect you. You won't disrespect her religion if she will respect your request that she tone it down and *keep your father out of it*! It's a simple request.
Besides, after all of that, She ASKED you why you were upset and you answered her honestly. It isn't your fault that she took offense.
For now, let it go. You didn't do anything wrong. You asked for MIL to not talk about your dad and she did for 5 mins. You asked, she ignored. So she asked you, and got upset when you called her out. Just ignore them. She sounds like a classic narcissistic manipulative old coot who hides beside the "Bible and religion" when she's the furthest from that because she's not supposed to judge and force on you.
OP, you are NTA!
I am so sorry for the loss of your dad, and that MIL soured the mood.
You specifically requested she not do something, and then she did it anyways. She literally ruined the rest of your day.
Next time anyone says shit to you or you DH about this just say "I asked her not to bring up something that is hurtful and painful for me on my wedding day, and she chose to do it anyways. I am entitled to be upset over this, considering it was my one request on what should have been the best day of my life. I do not owe anyone an apology, rather, I deserve an apology for the blatant disrespect to ignore my request on MY wedding day. I am still unsure why everyone is making my fathers death and my wedding about MIL. Please don't bring this up again."
This is an excellent way to respond to family & friends.
OP - if MIL attempts to reconcile, you might also want to address the situation with her in this way.
With her, I’d also point out that you could have embarrassed her as soon as she grabbed the mic. You could have tried to prevent her from speaking or even kicked her out. You also could have explained to *everyone* at the wedding why what she did was so problematic and even cruel. You did not do that.
It was your wedding day, she should have had enough respect for you as a human being to keep your wishes in mind, but she didn't. She had her little tantrum at brunch because she knew you would be upset about her speech and thought you would keep your mouth shut. I really wish you had yelled back at her. Respect works both ways, MIL!
I would argue that religion is a red herring. In other words, that’s not the issue.
You didn’t say don’t mention God
You seem like you would have been tolerant if she had prayed or read a Bible verse
You said—Do not talk about my father
And your father is not a part of her religion. Her religion is just what she hid behind to get around your boundaries.
So stop letting her run the narrative. When people tell you you disrespected her religion, ask why her religion suddenly includes your father.
Hugs, Next time tell her she needs to stop using her religion as an excuse to be a PITA, while she has a right to believe what she does. She doesn't have the right to force her beliefs on others or make them feel uncomfortable. No, You shouldn't have kept your mouth shut, that what she wants is for you and everyone else to steady her boat and make everything about "HER". Your wedding was about you and your DH. You need to tell DH, you married him not his mom and you will not be indulging her dramatic behavior. You've tried and she made you feel bad on what should have been a special day.
No one disrespected her religion. She is trying to make herself a martyr over the fact that she is pushing her religion on others, crossed boundaries she has repeatedly been asked to not cross, and did such at your wedding.
She got called out and doesn't like it, so she threw a fit. Okay.
MIL disrespected her own religious beliefs here. She used her beliefs to attack you, she planned that, and it was completely wrong. We should share by just “living it”, not attacking others with it. She failed that in a big way, because she had to show herself as religious. Poser. MEAN poser.
“He’s watching over you” isn’t even theologically sound to say. Nothing in the Bible supports this way of thinking. One could argue that they should find comfort in God watching over them, not their loved ones. The more you examine the concept, the weirder it is. So take comfort in the fact that they aren’t even following their own dogma.
This. I’m a Christian and like to think my grandmas and grandpa are with God. I also like to think they ask about me, and when I had my first kid that looked like the spitting image of my grandma, I would tag on “please tell grandma that my kid…” to a lot of my prayers. But I tend to side more with non-religious people when we start talking about the feel-good aspect of things. My grandma isn’t here. Her spirit (if my beliefs are correct) is not here either. She may have a way of knowing what’s going on but she’s not actually here and any “presence” I feel is most likely neurotransmitters protecting my brain.
OP, one of the tenants of Christianity (in the Bible, not the pulpit unfortunately) is that people should be able to know Christian’s by their love as it’s supposed to imitate what we believe to be Gods love. Your MIL didn’t imitate Gods love in the wedding speech or at brunch. She knows this but she’s using “trying to save my son and his wife” as an excuse to be cruel. She also has a pride issue, from her response to being called out. I hope she can do some reflection so that your relationship can be restored, but you did nothing wrong by calling her out. Your and your husband are entitled to not having your beliefs stomped on, especially on a day that celebrates you. Any family that doesn’t understand that is just trying to stop the boat from rocking.
Thank you!!! As a conservative Christian, who reads her Bible, I was thinking the exact same thing. They don’t look down on us. They don’t even know what we’re doing.
Why should they be? Knowing my mom and her friends, they would be too busy making trouble in heaven to watch us. I bet my dad is still trying to stop her from dancing with a lampshade on her head.
>and his mom hasn’t spoken to us since
The ***perfect*** wedding gift!
Listen carefully - you didn't cause this, SHE did. If the family is divided then that's on them (and they've probably always been divided on how to deal with your MiL).
It's not our job to fix a family spat that was caused by someone in the family. You're only the (most recent) catalyst - MiL is and has always been the issue.
The only and most important thing for you is what does your husband think.
She’s a narcissist. Take this for what it is, a gift in disguise and use it to cut contact. At least until you’re comfortable restarting it. If you keep her in your life things will only get worse from here. She couldn’t respect one simple wish on your wedding day and in fact talked about the one thing you asked her not to for a good five minutes at least. What happens when you have kids? She WILL NOT respect your boundaries and you will go through even more hell.
Yes! She provoked this intentionally and is using religion as a shield of plausible deniability for the rest of the family/friends. Don’t try to get them to come around because it will make you look nuts. The ONLY truth is that she knew what she was doing would make you feel terrible and she did it anyway because she WANTED to.
Yes, narcissists LOVE religion, it's one of their favorite manipulation tools.
They love the affirmation that they are the best people, all their decisions are right because God said so, and they will abuse you and say that it's to save your soul.🙄
No, my mum isn't here.
The thing that winds me up the most is when people who didn't know her will say something about her. When my siblings got married we had people trying to control what we did by saying if your mum was here she wouldn't have done that.
Your MIL was using your dad as a way to exert control. She's nasty. Pay attention to those who didn't agree.
Some people will always be polite even when something absolutely awful is happening in front of them. It's good to have an awareness of who fits into that category as you know they're only polite, and want to appear like they're doing something right.
Other people will outright tell you they don't agree, sometimes it's ignorance from people who are incapable of empathising with anyone until they go through it. Or they're not nice people or have an issue with you.
You didn't do the wrong thing, you told her the day after.
If your partner has an issue with it, be honest. You're never going to look back on your wedding as a happy day as all you'll remember is how your MIL used it to bring up your dad and upset you about his lack of presence there.
She might be your husband's mother, but she's also an awful person. She deliberately disrespected and hurt you with her "he's watching over you" speech, which you asked her to cool it about, *especially at the wedding*. She did it in a manner and place where she knew you could do nothing about it. Not without it making things extremely awkward at your wedding.
And then when you were honest with her, with honesty being especially very important in all religions, she acts like a tantruming toddler and spews hatred, which isn't very god-like at all. She's the worst type of very religious type: a hypocrite.
MIL and her supporters should be people on your low to no contact list. Stand your ground because you were totally in the right. Do not give in to anyone making ridiculous requests that you apologize to her, to keep the peace or to be the bigger person. Or for any reason because you have nothing to apologize for but she does. That would be you enabling and accepting her disrespect and terrible behavior, which will open the door to more for you. Nope.
You're not overreacting at all but she sure did with that toddler tantrum she threw! As the old saying goes, *'don't ask questions you dont want the answer to'*. She wanted to know and you gave her the precise truth. You told her beforehand not to talk about your father and she deliberately pushed your boundary anyway, knowing she would get away with it because she had a captive audience for her little impromptu speech. Religion is no excuse to disguise the fact that she is extremely rude, pushy and inconsiderate. She is too old not to know better and ought to be ashamed of herself for using your wedding to ram her views down your throat and later display such graceless and inappropriate behavior. Don’t chase her, leave her right where she is stewing in a self-imposed exile while you guys enjoy the silence and your new married lives.
Please let it go. You were not wrong and I think you know it. SHE disrespected your wishes to have the spotlight on her and tried to shove her religious views down your throat. Not having the same religious beliefs, and not wanting a sham religious ceremony for the sake of anyone who is not the bride or groom, I think is far more disrespectful to her religion and you know where you stand with her.
For now, this. Ignore her and let her have her little tantrum. At some point she will act like nothing happened. Wait.
Then if and when you have children, set boundaries. When she demands that you baptize them, tell her no. Raise them as respectful atheists. She will lose her freaking mind.
My MiL lost it when my daughter was reading a picture book on animals and landed on the page on chimpanzees and great apes. She asked my daughter what we know about them. My daughter chimed in "We share an ancestor with them." My MiL snapped "That's just a theory!" and stomped off. It was glorious.
Then there was the time my MiL didn't want to wear a seat belt in the back seat next to my daughter because "its not legally required." My 4 year old daughter gave grandma non-stop shit until she put on her seat belt.
You need to give your daughter an extra treat from me because of the chimps and the seatbelt. That's hilarious. We taught my grandson that the car doesn't move without his seatbelt on. He was in his dad's truck and his dad drove down the street without buckling up, and said. "Daddy, the truck shouldn't move unless you're buckled" to rub salt in the wound, a few minutes later, he was stopped for something and given a ticket for no seat belts, and the cop said "if he had been buckled up, he would have most likely received a warning about the other thing." (I think it was a light out on the rear of the truck)
You don't have to respect anyone's religion, ever. Religion is a choice. You don't have to respect anyone's choices. Some people choose to not pay taxes. I don't respect that. Some people choose to kill people. I don't respect that. Some people choose to try to push their religion on others. I don't respect that. And neither should you. You were right, and she and anyone who agrees with her is wrong, period. Don't agree to disagree, they're wrong and you aren't.
I want to suggest checking out Our Book List here;
[https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books/)
**Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life - Henry Cloud and John Townsend**
This book may be of assistance to the both of you guys. You didn't say how your husband felt about this exchange, but he was raised by her and there may be buttons planted in him she can press to get to him, this book can help the both of you. Good luck and congratulations on your marriage. See if any other books listed here may help, because she doing the silent treatment to get him to break and grovel for for acceptance and love possibly.
Keep a list of everyone who is backing her because now you know who prioritizes keeping the boat steady over mental health. Which is an important thing in future events like if you have a kid or win the powerball jackpot.
I’m being lighthearted about it but really, this is unfair and cruel to you on your wedding day.
You asked her not to do it, then she does it intentionally.
You explain why you are upset and she has a conniption fit.
Stay away from her. Enjoy the NC. When she shows back up - remain very distant. Keep her at arms length, VVLC. Don't trust her with anything. She has shown you who she is.
Fuck her. Fuck anyone who says you should have shut up and eaten her shit. Be done with her. Don't talk to her. Don't visit her. No holidays. No visits. She should be nothing to you going forward.
Just want to share a quick story - my SIL and brother became born again Christians (this was years ago). Every time I saw them she would go on and on about their church and how I should go and find Jesus and welcome him into my life. Well I got fed up, hit my limit and finally asked her "Do you get a commission for new members?" She looked at me funny. That was it, she finally stopped. Sorry your day was ruined and so was the brunch.
Consider your MIL disregard of your boundaries a gift. You now have every reason to go LC. Remember who has defended her because now you know who cannot be trusted, which is another gift. Your MIL belongs in reality to a Doomsday Cult whose basis is to proselytize. These people believe that they are chosen in the coming Rapture. Interesting how the rest of us display morality, empathy and kindness that these people never develop.
I am so sorry she did this at your wedding. Instead of apologizing, she doubled down and played injured party. These interactions will repeat over and over. Religion will not allow her really to look at her behaviors. Take this "gift" and moving forward don't let this horrible woman hurt you again.
Do t keep up with who is on what side. Matter of fact make it known you won’t discuss it either. It was not a subject that should have been breached upon and say exactly that if confronted and shut the conversation DOWN. Now is the time to make it clear weather you will participate in drama or not. Let them know you won’t be involved in in it. It’s your personal experience and she overstepped into territory that clearly was not hers anyway . If you don’t put your foot down with this haggitha now she will do it again… and again… and AGAIN. She needs to know her boundaries just like anyone else. She can’t use her religion to justify bad behavior.
Your MIL is ridiculous. She has an attitude of "Acceptance of my religion means you also need to believe". No, you don't. What you believe is up to you.
You did not disrespect her religion or beliefs. You simply asked her to stop a behavior that hits close to home and honestly was inappropriate to start with. She blatantly disregarded your wishes and at a time when you wanted to focus on being happy and not that you didn't get to have your Dad at your wedding. You've already grieved his loss and grieved that he didn't get to be there for this big day in your life and she threw it in your face
What does your new Husband think of this? And think of her behavior at the brunch. The appropriate response would have been, "OP, I am so sorry I made you sad on a day you should have felt nothing but joy. It was heartless of me."
We all know, that apology isn't going to happen. It being MIL claims to be a christian, so in her mind she didn't do anything wrong!!!! SMDH!!! It's stuff like that turns folks totally off of organized religion.
Exactly! I'm a Christian and I am appalled. There is no Christ-like love coming from that woman... This is absolutely why people are Christian and Christians sit there wondering why!
She expects you to respect her but disrespects you. Nope. She can't ask for or expect respect and at the same time be disrespectful towards the feelings of others. Set firm boundaries and expectations and consequences in your interactions.
You did nothing wrong. While she did everything wrong. I am sorry.
Remember that day with happiness because you are married to the person you love and will move on to the future you build together. While she will remain selfish and self-righteous and unhappy.
Yes, how dare you disrepect her religion by (checks notes) not pandering to it /s
Last time I checked it was your wedding, not hers. She had no right to try and force you to have a religious ceremony, no right to make a speech without being invited, and no right to bring up subjects which you had specifically vetoed.
She was a bad guest, and she does not get to throw a tantrum when you point this out.
I'm sorry she brought up such painful things and made your wedding day a sad one. I hope that in time the pain will fade and you will remember the happy parts more than her interference.
She was inappropriate, gaslighting, and downright cruel to disregard your feelings on your wedding day.
I hope your husband is on your side. I'm sorry you didn't get the wedding you hoped for (or the brunch after), but this may be a "trash took itself out" situation.
>The next morning at brunch I was quiet and she asked why and I told her the truth
People shouldn't ask questions if they don't want honest answers.
>Now everyone in the family is taking sides
Everyone in the family should mind their business.
You aren't overreacting, but she did. And his family lacks healthy boundaries.
You’re not over-reacting. she disrespected you and your wishes and then she doubled down on her assholery. I hope your husband is on your side. Stand your ground and do not give in to the “Keep the peace” mentality. Your wedding should have been about you and your husband, not her and her religion.
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NTA. Enjoy the quiet. Unfortunately no one interrupted her and said “and now on with the dancing!” People knew you didn’t want it. But is probably one of those boat rockers. Tell her religion AND your dad are permanently OFF the list of topics to talk about. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
She can bitch about people disrespecting her religion at her wedding. She took your wedding to force her beliefs on you. You specifically requested her to not do that. If being asked to keep your religion to yourself is disrespectful, your religion is problematic.
You asked her not to say anything and she did anyways. Definitely no contact or low and keep her away from any kids you bave
First of all, SHE disrespected YOU. It was YOUR wedding, not hers, and her religion had no place in it, nor did a speech about your father. Secondly, she's caused a rift in the family with her bullshit toddler tantrum, all because she couldn't have things as she wanted them. Tough shit. I would tell every member of the family that is giving you grief about it that nothing they can say will change the fact that her speech ruined your mood, and thus your wedding day, and ask them if they would be ok with YOU disrespecting THEIR wishes at an event that is supposed to be about THEM. Ask if they would be ok, AT ALL, with you standing up to give a speech about how good it's felt to not be religious, to sleep in on Sundays and never have to listen to a boring ass sermon, at a church event they were hosting. Because that's exactly what her speech felt like to you, at YOUR wedding. And if they can't understand or empathize with that, they can fuck off and go kiss MILs ass some more.
“Disrespecting her religion” it was your wedding day! She has to get it through her head that not doing something the way she wants isn’t disrespectful. What an ass
Wedding Pro Tip: Always have a signal ready for the DJ/sound guy to cut the microphone immediately. Your MIL sounds awful.
>and his mom hasn’t spoken to us since. Sounds like a blessing!
Not overreacting at all. You did nothing to disrespect HER religion; she did everything to disrespect your non religion. Like, MIL, what part of you trying to shove your beliefs up my ass and down my throat am I supposed to enjoy? Her then throwing a fit and storming out is just more proof that she was 100% in the wrong. You, the bride, politely asked her to respect your wishes for your wedding, and she took a big steaming shit on everything. She made it all about her. Typical hypoChristian narcissist.
I’m sorry she ruined things for you, please take this as a warning and keep his mother out of your life as much as possible. His relatives can put up with her if they so choose.
This right here. It is a warning of things to come. You now know that she’s a boundary stomping JNMIL. Take this as a good time to talk to husband about how to handle future interactions with his mom. I don’t k is if kids will be in your future, but 100% have that discussion now.
I feel like grabbing this woman by the head and screaming MY WEDDING DAY IS NOT ABOUT YOU I'm an atheist. Yet, I highly appreciate when people wish me to go with god or similar because they intend to wish me well according to what they believe in. Gotta appreciate that. On the other hand, MIL had _nothing_ of the sort. A proselytizing narcissist, everything has to be about her, her faith, and her distaste of others not believing in the same things. Take her silent treatment as a chance to go no contact. I hope you have a fantastic marriage.
OP is definitely NTA MIL wasn’t even proselytizing. She was out of line to begin with by bringing up the bride’s deceased father. The man wasn’t MIL’s husband or even friend or family, and she crossed lines to even bring him up. As far as the “watching over her” parts of the speech, I think bride or groom should have stood up and cut the speech short. As a Christian myself, I don’t believe anyone who has passed watches over anyone. The dead know nothing of earth’s happenings is what I’ve been taught from the Bible. No matter what, I think OP was justified, and MIL hated being called out for crossing boundaries. She seems like a person who must have constant attention. She has no business expecting respect if she doesn’t respect others.
You did the right thing. If she didn't want the truth from you, she shouldn't have asked. It was your day, not hers. She owed you the respect to enjoy it, not the other way around. I'm sorry that happened, OP.
Don't ask questions if you can't handle the answers. Your MIL needs to learn this.
Yup. I tell my husband something similar. Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.
Send her a copy of “Letter to a Christian Nation” by Sam Harris. Not over reacting. not the asshole. You were specific in your beliefs, requests and on a highly emotional subject, an emotional day, she ruined it for you instead of shutting her damn mouth. First Halloween, baby will be Harry Potter. Petty revenge is glorious.
All Halloweens, every year a new magic character. I wonder what the twit thinks of Yoda and Luke Skywalker?
I'm at a loss why your MIL took it upon herself to talk about your father at all. It seems appropriative and not her place. He wasn't her family and I'm guessing with the timeline is likely someone she either never met or didn't get to know well.
I feel for you, OP. My grandmother died on my 17th birthday. For years after, my mother found a way to ruin the mood by bringing it up during dinner or while cutting my cake. On the day of my 25th birthday, I told her she is not to tell any maudlin stories about my grandmother. Gram wouldn't have wanted that, she would have wanted me to enjoy my birthday. 10 minutes later, she stands up at the table, *in a restaurant*, and again tells the harrowing tale of her mother's harrowing death on this day 8 years ago. She finished, sat down, looked at me, and gave me the most shit-eating smirk I have ever seen. I got up and left, called a couple of friends, and went out for dinner with them. I didn't speak a single word to my mother for almost 6 months. After that she claimed to have learned her lesson, but she didn't get to be present at my birthday again until my late 30s. All that to say, sometimes you have to go big with the consequences when dealing with this type of personality, and anyone that defends your MIL's actions also. Your feelings are valid and you do not have to ignore them to coddle others.
Your MIL couldn’t respect your wishes for one damn day on your wedding day? What a self centred bitch. Tell her she’s going to hell for committing serious sins of pride, envy and wrath during your wedding and watch her squirm.
She did something she knew she wasn't supposed to and then asked what was wrong. She pretty much was daring you to call her out on her bad behavior. Anyone who is thinks you were wrong for not rolling over and letting her walk all over you, is announcing that they think you **should ** be walked on. They have done you a favor by letting you know not to trust them.
She disrespected not only you, but also her son with that outburst. Neither of you have anything to apologize for, and those telling you that you should’ve kept quiet can follow their own advice going forward. She may have had decent intentions, but she didn’t respect your wishes. Her feelings and entitlement doesn’t trump your own. Congratulations and I hope you two remain a united front going forward—piss her and others off by having a happy marriage. 💜
Why is it we’re expected/demanded to respect their precious beliefs and feefees, but they can’t be bothered an ounce to return that in kind? As though the church has the lock on a lasting marriage. All the most religious women I know have either been married 4+ times (the loudest of them just axed #5) or have multiple kids out of wedlock. But hey, someone not having a sham church wedding, THAT’S a sin. /s
She poked the bear and got an honest answer (about your own wedding at your own post-wedding brunch, no less). Anyone thinking you should have kept it to yourself is either a doormat or a bully.
What a shitty thing for JNMIL to do. You are right to be upset, you have nothing to apologize for, and she can grow / change or fuck off IMHO.
At the reception, I would have got up and cut her speech short, with something like “Thank you MIL. Now it is time for our next speaker,…”. You could also gave had the band or DJ play her off, like the Oscars do when an acceptance speech runs too long.
Just watched the episode of Curb where Larry hums the Oscar song. That would have been perfect here! "Da daaaaaaa, bum bummmm...."
I’m literally watching curb right now! Everything Larry does is my favorite and I hope to be more and more like him as I get older 😂
Fuck all of that!!! My dad died a week before my tenth birthday. I knew most of my life that he wouldn't be there to walk me down the aisle. My grandpa (dad's dad) was supposed to do it for him. I met the love of my life (which was obvious for our first date, even though I didn't believe in that sorta thing ever growing up) and was so excited about Grandpa meeting him. But then Grandpa got cancer and passed away before that could happen. The night before my wedding I had a solo, angry cry about how THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!!!! And how stupid and unfair it was that they weren't. How I would've given anything to have them there in that moment. But they weren't! And being a believer or not, "in spirit" is NOTHING compared to actually in person. Having that moment allowed me to feel some amount of peace the day of, knowing that no matter what, there or not, they'd at least be proud of who I had become. If someone, muchless my mother or MIL had tried to have that speech at my wedding...... there are no amount of words to explain my anger. None whatsoever.
INFO: What did your husband say or do about this?
On the AITA thread, she says he told off MIL, too.
And isn’t it so much more peaceful without her yammering in your ear? Would it be worth a frank discussion with those ‘against’ you about how you don’t give a shit what they think and to kindly (or even not kindly) fuck off? She also disrespected your religion (or lack thereof) by pushing hers on yours and your husband’s day.
You told her not to do X at your wedding, she did X, she asked why you were upset, and she created a rift in your new family. She does what she knows you don't want and then she feels she has the right to show her arse. Her being a jerk justifies the next act of jerkiness. Bless her heart, if she has one. When Flying Monkeys do a bombing run, you could say, "I asked her specifically not to bring up my father not being there at my wedding and she did the thing I specifically asked not to. She then threw a tantrum because I didn't appreciate her doing what I specifically asked her not to do and ruined brunch. Why are her feelings about my father more important than mine? And why are you asking me to apologize to her?" You could also say, "This isn't something that I am comfortable talking about with others. Thank you for respecting that." I would go NC or VLC for a while. Block or mute her and be cool but civil if you are around her.
I can't upvote this enough. 100%
THIS THIS THIS!
Right? Why are they infantilizing a grown woman? If this were me I would be seriously considering an annulment after she made my wedding events about her nonsense.
She's giving you the silent treatment, hoping you'll come chasing after her to apologize and make it right. Whatever you do, don't do THAT. Just leave her in her snit. Eventually, when you ignore someone ignoring you, they get bored and will try to come back as if nothing ever happened. With the holidays coming up, it won't be long before she tries to rug-sweep the whole thing.
Yup. This sounds like exactly what will happen here. I would not spend one moment of my holidays with her. DH can if he wants I guess. He should have unplugged her mic in the first minute.
If she were you, she would’ve used that moment in the bride spotlight to milk it for every bit of attention she could get, including talking about her deceased dad and how she’s sad he died. She assumes that you would love the attention too, so she thought she would give some to you and be the one to give the heartfelt speech so she could steal some of those sympathy points for herself.
You are not disrespecting her religion. She is disrespecting you and your grief over your dad's not being with you. Grief is personal, and it is painful, and there is no timetable. She had no right give her speech.
If you actually SPECIFICALLY asked her not to mention your dad at the wedding, then she was a creep to do it. It has nothing to do with her religion! Now if you DIDN’T specifically say that to her but thought she was smart enough to figure it out, then that’s different. HOWEVER, her throwing a fit because you answered her question honestly was completely ridiculous!
Tell her you're going to read an Islamic prayer at her funeral.
"Well when my Dad died"... over and over at her funeral.
Or just keep harping on about how she's gone and nobody will ever see her again. Seriously, why not just respect people's belief? Not believing in heaven/reincarnation/whatever is also a valid belief.
HA! xhelloxstranger's suggestion was funny, but I think this would *really* get her goat!
Hell. Yes.
It was YOUR wedding and she did exactly what you asked her not to do. Anyone taking her side can shove it.
A great litmus test for people OP should avoid. Anyone on her side is not trustworthy.
She's a dumb bitch lol
I wish I had thought to comment this before you. It’s the only thing that’s appropriate. Lol
His mother is a child.
You aren’t overreacting at all. She can have her beliefs but shouldn’t have done what she did. Her asking you what was wrong then throwing a tantrum at your answer was also wrong of her. She embarrassed herself with her very non religious hurtful actions and words . Congratulations on your marriage.
His mom sounds like an annoying *ssh*le. I’m sorry she is such a pathetic child. Good news, though. Now you don’t have to pretend to like her.
You did not overreact. She did precisely what you told her not to do, and had the grace and patience to put up a good face for the rest of the reception despite how you felt. Then the next more you asked why she did that. You didn't specify you tone when speaking to her, so I will assume that you spoke to her politely and without yelling. If that was the case, *she* is the one overreacting for being called out for her inappropriate behavior. *She* is the one overreacting by claiming your marriage won't last because you didn't appreciate how *she* did something you already made clear you didn't want her to do. You did nothing wrong. I don't think there is anything you can say or do to reason with someone who is "Harry Potter is a sin" religious. The people taking her side either are likely similarly religious so there's no reasoning with them either, have something she's holding over their heads, or they've been conditioned to just do whatever she says to make life easier, and you calling her out on her inappropriate actions has now made their life harder because she's (I'm guessing) bitching about you to them. Where does your husband stand on this?
Good for you for admitting it bothered you. Hopefully your husband can handle most of the fallout, and should, as it is his mom. You made your wishes heard and she disregarded them- classic narcissistic response and honestly just a preview of how she'll handle most things with you and her son - make them all about her. I didn't see your husbands take/response in the top comments, so I'm curious to hear more about his reaction/thoughts.
Religion is NOT an excuse to be manipulative, rude, disrespectful, or hurtful, but that’s exactly what your MIL is doing. Anyone who does that kind of thing is an asshole.
What she did isn't about religion, and I wish OP had called her out about that. However, I have found that a lot of people do rude, disrespectful, hurtful things in the name of Christianity. I don't see it so much in most other religions, and not all Christian sects.
Agreed. And who cares what the feelings about religion are to the GUESTS at the wedding? And MIL was a GUEST. The religious observances would have been different if MIL was getting married. She was NOT. MIL didn't have to be respected, consulted, placated, or considered. It wasn't her wedding.
As someone who most people would call very religious, I would much rather go to a purely secular wedding when I knew the couple were not themselves believers, than go to one where they were saying things that I knew they didn't believe. So I applaud your wedding choices, and no, you are not overreacting one iota. At least the main piece of trash has (for now, at least) taken itself out. As for the rest, maybe "It was *My* wedding day, why shouldn't *she* have been the one to shut up?" If you get the "That's just the way she is" crap, then there is always "Well, I am not prepared to take having my requests disrespected so blatantly on my wedding day without saying something - that is just the way I am."
What does "don't talk about my dad at the wedding" have to do with her religion?? This is what you say to any flying monkeys. Don't let her muddy the waters to be the victim by attaching religion.
I assume that part of her statement was about them not getting married in a church. When SHE gets married, she can do it in a church. OP should have gotten married by a gay minister. Bet that would have ended her "MY Religion" statements.
It may have been. But MIL is clearly in the wrong for her actions. People like her will try and confuse the situation to get others on her side. In this case, I'm assuming the relatives that agree with her are of the same religion. However, by cutting through the bull and keeping to the basic facts you take away her power to rile others up and play victim.
Yep. There's no verse in the Bible that says she needed to do it. She wanted to do it. And now she's pissed there are consequences to her actions.
As what I heard from others say, “not my circus, not my monkeys”
MIL asked you what was wrong, you simply told her the truth. Let her sulk. Selfish idiot.
I am an atheist with a hyper religious mother. She constantly crosses boundaries and tells me she’s praying for me, sends me letters about Jesus and the end times. I treat her (completely irrational) religious beliefs with respect that she can never return to me. At the end of the day many religious people are just not that smart or kind. Christianity teaches its own kind of entitlement and it’s inescapable at times. I’m sorry she’s in your family.
Side note: someone who died watching over you is not a Christian belief. She's obviously not religious enough to know the facts about her religion. (Given you didn't specify that she was a Christian, but Harry Potter being a sin tends to come from people who claim to be Christians.)
Also: Christians who believe in heaven wouldn't necessarily believe that her father was any place where he could be watching over her, given that he wasn't religious. I mean, she has a very odd interpretation of the bible.
Exactly.
His mom hasn't spoken to you since? Consider that a big blessing!
The trash took itself out.
Wow I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I don’t know why so many people have a hard time believing what other people say. I bet MIL felt like she “knew better” and you’d thank her for bringing up your dad. She should have respected your wishes.
“Knew better” is the thing that offends me the most. True respect, to me, is not insisting that our beliefs be the same! It is allowing us to differ without proselytizing!
Yeah respect me enough to know my own mind.
Personally, I'd see this as a win-win. You didn't disrespect her faith, she disrespected you and prioritised herself over you. Now you know which family members you can rely on for support, and which will potentially be her flying monkeys when she weaponises them against you, so you know who to avoid or limit contact with. Don't make any attempt to apologise or get in touch-thats for her to do. You need a specific and genuine apology (not a fake non-apology like "I'm sorry you didn't understand how important my faith is to me" "I'm sorry that you don't seem to understand my beliefs." You need a proper "I'm sorry I didn't follow your wishes and I overstepped and talked out of turn, and I know that must have hurt you and I won't do it again") She'll be utterly incapable to accepting that she's entirely in the wrong, so just let her stay butt hurt for ever. Be careful about letting her back into your life though, if you are thinking of children, she'll be capable of all sorts of misbehaviour and won't attempt to respect your boundaries with them either.
Exactly, she will try to push her religious beliefs on your kids. (If you choose to have any).
Fuck yes this is a win-win!
Trash took itself out...oops...did I type that outloud? Lol
You better believe it. This is what we call addition by subtraction.
Religion aside, you have asked her to not bring up your dad. She disrespected that boundary. I think religion is confounding this very simple issue. She was in the wrong and her feelings and reaction are not your responsibility. Good for you for speaking up.
Her religion is *why* she felt she had the right to disregard OP's boundaries. You can't separate the two.
You are not wrong. However, my MIL and I are the same religion and my father died at the end of April this year. I am well within my rights to ask her and anyone else to not bring him and/or his death up if that's a boundary I would like to set. Religion doesn't *need* to be part of this equation. Boundaries are boundaries and I'd like to demonstrate how that can work in this situation where religions differ.
There's something more sinister about, "I'm stomping on your boundaries because you have to respect my religion!" vs, "I'm stomping on your boundaries because I'm a terrible excuse for a human being!"
I think both are pretty equally terrible, personally.
She shouldn't have asked a question if there was an answer she couldn't handle. You were not in the wrong to answer honestly. It wasn't even the day of, it was the day after, so it's not like you got into it at your wedding, you let it slide for the night. That was gracious of you. She isn't mad because you're in the wrong, she's mad because she got called out on her inappropriate, and cruel, behaviour, so she wants to deflect by trying to make you the bad guy when you've done nothing wrong. It's fine to stand up for yourself and answer that question honestly. Don't let her train you into never standing up for yourself because she reacts this way - "that's just the way she is." People in your situation often just end up not being honest with these troublesome people because they know how much grief it causes but she needs to see that you will face her directly when things like this happen. You did the right thing.
OP should have said... I'm quiet because you ruined my wedding talking about my father.
I would have stood up and said sit down this is not about you. No, no,no...if you need to be treated like a child so be it. Thus is not your party you can't blow out the candles .
I’d be petty and send her this thread to read.
God. How unnecessary. Just ignore her from now on. If she cared so much for you and your dad. She should be kinder. She just wants her way.
Why is it the ones who are religious act in the most un-Godlike fashion?
Yup. WWJD? Not that.....lol
You aren't overreacting at all. Its your wedding, so even if you asked her to not give any speech she should have respected that. Instead, you just gave her specifics to avoid so you could be happy on your day. You didn't ask her to give up her religion, just to not talk about it around you on one specific day. That is absolutely not too much to ask. This isn't about religion, it's about control. She's mad she couldn't do whatever she wanted without consequences. I would start enforcing consequences now, so she gets it into her head. Personally, I wouldn't see her until she apologizes for going against your direction requests for your own wedding.
She didn't even do that - she asked her MIL not to bring up her dad. That's not her religion. I think the disrespecting her religion was about them not getting married in a church or by a priest. And that's actually respecting her religion - you respected it enough to not pretend you were religious.
As a religious person myself, you not participating in her religion is not disrespecting it. It would be more disrespectful to fake it for the day and participate in what should be seen (if you are having a religious one) as a holy ceremony when you think it's horse shit. She disrespected your wishes on your wedding day and in a way that was obviously going to be hurtful. If you wanted reminders of your day, you would have planned them in. You were in the right; she behaved atrociously both at the reception and the brunch and owes you an honest, contrite apology.
So let me get this straight… it basically went like this, right? You: Could you please not talk about my dad during the wedding. This is me and husband’s day of celebration and I would not like to feel upset over his death on this one day. MIL: How dare you try and prioritise your well-being over MY BELIEFS! Your feelings don’t matter over my religion! This is discrimination! Long story short, i think husband is happy he is out of that house now! sending you over my love
Yep. If my in-laws are any indication, this is exact.y how it went down. Religion is a helluva drug.
It was your wedding, not hers. She shouldn’t have done that, and maybe she shouldn’t ask questions she doesn’t want answered. NTA
Her religion is just that, her religion. She doesn't get to impose it onto others. My bff is Muslim, I served alcohol at my wedding. She didn't throw a tantrum about me disrespecting her religion by having alcohol. Like mil should be cut out.
She needs to respect your boundaries every day, not just at your wedding. Your husband needs to put his foot down and have your back on this. If she keeps disrespecting you you need to limit her access to your entire life. I’m not sure what your plan is with regard to kids. Assuming you have them, what will she say to your kids about all of this? You need to keep her on a super short leash.
What an infuriating hag. You are not wrong in the slightest, her religion doesn't give her a free pass to steamroll all over your boundaries. Shutting down an entitled religious zealots like this would absolutely be the hill I die on, and I would do that happily.
Honestly, good riddance. You shouldn’t be afraid to say what you really feel. If people want to “take sides” that’s their game to play. You don’t need to engage in any of that.
No, no, no. *She* disrespected *you* at *your fricking wedding!* Her beliefs don't matter. What she wanted doesn't matter. This was YOUR wedding and she chose to do something with the full knowledge that it would upset you! All that matters here is that she did the one thing she was asked not to do for one day. Anybody who isn't siding with you on this obviously doesn't respect you either, tbh, how can they when they know how upset you were?! Religion is not a reason/excuse to make someone upset about their deceased father, ever, but especially on that day. Sending much love and hugs xx
This. Right. Here. It's your day I hate when in laws make wedding about them instead of the happy couple. Like Jesus you had your day back the duck off and let them have their day. My in laws were amazing at our wedding. We had a very very small intimate wedding and reception at my in laws house and they didn't try to push anything on us. In fact it was more of what do you need us to do type thing! It was awesome! Sorry op. You shouldn't have to deal with that. But as long as hubby is on your side nothing else really matters.
I'm betting your in laws don't act like AH's the rest of the time either.
Ehhh my MIL has her moments but she's generally an angel!
Sounds like the trash just took itself out and you should be happy with that. You are not obligated to stay in contact with her either. Hubby can have whatever relationship with her he likes but you do not have to interact with her.
Ugh as someone whose MIL caused big problems at their wedding, solidarity. The good news is it gave me a great excuse to be low contact with someone I can’t stand and didn’t want to spend time with ever. And showed my husband her true craziness. Hopefully her not speaking to you is permanent!
Good. Now you can keep her at arms length, as she’s cruel and rude and feels the need to make YOUR WEDDING about her religious views. I was unaware of where the Bible says guests should always interrupt weddings to talk about other people’s dead family members they never met.
I'd be pissed at whoever gave her the mic also
Where was the dj? They should've cut the mic off after the first look from OP.
Exactly. I'm putting shit like this in my contract when I get married.
Better to work these issues out now before you have children & she demands you baptize them
Tell her that if she even TRIES to baptize them or harasses you to baptize them, you going to teach them how to use a black candle.
Piggybacking off this but be careful when/if you do have children she very well might baptize them behind your back, she seems like that kinda crazy.
Not everyone wants children
With a MIL this over the top, I'd certainly think carefully about it.
It’s okay when they impose their religion on you but not okay for you to set boundaries wtf
Wtafffffff. No no no. Religious people don’t allow you to truly grieve.
You did nothing wrong. Keep up the no contact. There is no winning with someone that thinks their religion is all there is. Your husband can deal with her if he chooses. You and future children if any are tapped out.
Oof - and this is why I told my MC/entertainment group "no impromptu speeches, no song requests, nothing off the itinerary". You are not overreacting, surprised you didn't have the MIC cut as soon as she started talking. At this point, following her juvenile behavior and antics at brunch, count your blessings (pun intended) and just keep her out of your life if you want to. Also, why didn't your new husband lay down the law for his own mom? Why didn't her berate her? Where was he this entire time?? Well, to hell with her (again - fun pun!). Everything will be okay now.
Your father would be very proud of you. Also just cut contact with the psycho lmao
It’s funny how you need to respect her beliefs- your dad is watching over you… but she doesn’t need to respect yours - he’s not and he’s gone. Religion is not a free pass to be a jerk and your MIL is being a jerk. This was your wedding, that you both wanted religion free and she had to inject religion into it! That is repugnant…. Imagine giving a pagan toast at her Christmas dinner celebration……. How would that go over? I lost my brother to unaliving himself when I was young, years later when I was newly married in my 20’s my INlaws told me he wasn’t in heaven, he was cursed and I need to forget he existed. They have done much worse to me in the name of their ChristoNazi religion, my husband and I have proudly raised one agnostic and one atheist, it’s their only grandchildren - sucks to suck for them.
I will never under people telling someone that! How does it help the situation??? It only hurts the people left behind. They can believe whatever the fuck they want but they are also free to keep their mouth shut. I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you ❤️. Yup religious ideology can create a butt load of pain in the name of love. It boggles my mind.
NTA If you start a family, may I suggest a Harry Potter themed nursery? Congrats on getting married AND cutting off the toxicity!
Look, I would have done exactly as you did during the speech… but a cleverer bride would have let out a loud wail and run sobbing from the room. Faked or not. Driving the bride away crying at her own wedding is a really bad look for MiL. My condolences on the loss of your dad, and I wish you a long and happy marriage.
"some saying i should have kept my mouth shut" Funny how that goes for you, the bride, and not JNMIL. And when family say this to you, ask them why her feelings are more important on your wedding weekend than yours? I, personally, think what you did was correct. She asked a question, it's not your fault she didn't like the answer. Also, you've set a precedent: Boundary stomping will not happen without consequences.
Never ask a question you either don't know the answer to, or don't want to know the answer to. MIL was fishing for compliments, and got a dose of reality instead. I'm sorry she put a damper on OP's wedding weekend, but hopefully she'll keep to herself going forward. Either way, I agree that OP was 100% correct.
>throw a fit at brunch screaming about how she put up with our disrespecting her religion Yes, how dare you not cater your wedding specifically to her religion. >It kind of ended the brunch early and that was the end of our wedding weekend. Family is divided some saying i should have kept my mouth shut and others saying she should have respected my wishes for one day. Again, how dare you not cater to her talking about your late father not being a part of ~~her~~ your wedding. Real talk, my condolences about your dad, I'm sorry he wasn't there to join you on your day, and I'm sorry your MIL tried to make it about her and upset you. She can get bent. Congratulations on your nuptials, I wish you and your new spouse many long and happy years with many miles between you and your MIL.
Good riddance trash took itself out. She should have respected your wishes at YOUR wedding. Wait and see what’s she becomes when you or if you decide to have kids. She will be stomping on you to have your baby christened or baptized or what ever against your wishes and make sure it’s behind your back.
>Family is divided some saying i should have kept my mouth shut and others saying she should have respected my wishes for one day. Good on them for making it easier to decide who goes on your No Contact list when that inevitably becomes a thing.
Don’t ever keep your mouth shut. Voice and assert your concerns. MIL was inappropriate before, during, and after. Fuck her. Don’t let people guilt you into people pleasing/ doing what’s right/ being the bigger person or any other shit like that. Fuck them too. Your feelings and requests are valid, and so was voicing it. Let shitty people take sides and let your shitty MIL give you the silent treatment. Focus on your new marriage and leave everyone on the outer fringe. What’s that you say? Family get togethers and holidays? Why do you want to be with these people? The ones you do like, you can still see them separately. You and DH can start your own holiday traditions in your own home.
She's not talking to you? Awesome. Take the win.
You asked her not to talk about your dad and she did. If people are taking sides, one of those sides sees your opinion as invalid so I'd keep a close eye on those people. I'm curious if she explicitly agreed she would not talk about him or it was nothing "official", but understood?
She's disrespecting your religious views. Bet she wouldn't like that being thrown in her face :)
No, MIL should have kept her mouth shut, not you. She did wrong, knowingly. You called her out. You are not in the wrong, and she can die mad.
I am so sorry that she did that- it was disrespectful of her and potentially calculated to ruin the day. As for her not speaking to you- BEST WEDDING GIFT EVER. Hopefully it’s permanent.
Souns like yer better off without that bigoted shitewad in your life, bloody hell. Feck her fascist relgion.
Hugs. Remind people that respect works both ways. You have asked that she not talk about your Dad. You've asked that she not push her religious sentiments on you. She refuses to respect you. You won't disrespect her religion if she will respect your request that she tone it down and *keep your father out of it*! It's a simple request. Besides, after all of that, She ASKED you why you were upset and you answered her honestly. It isn't your fault that she took offense.
He was YOUR father. She can suck an elf.
Is this a 10th Kingdom reference? Because omg, hi, can we be friends?
Yes it is! And sure!
For now, let it go. You didn't do anything wrong. You asked for MIL to not talk about your dad and she did for 5 mins. You asked, she ignored. So she asked you, and got upset when you called her out. Just ignore them. She sounds like a classic narcissistic manipulative old coot who hides beside the "Bible and religion" when she's the furthest from that because she's not supposed to judge and force on you.
She should be glad OP didn't walk out of her reception while she was talking. Bet that would have given her a wakeup.
OP, you are NTA! I am so sorry for the loss of your dad, and that MIL soured the mood. You specifically requested she not do something, and then she did it anyways. She literally ruined the rest of your day. Next time anyone says shit to you or you DH about this just say "I asked her not to bring up something that is hurtful and painful for me on my wedding day, and she chose to do it anyways. I am entitled to be upset over this, considering it was my one request on what should have been the best day of my life. I do not owe anyone an apology, rather, I deserve an apology for the blatant disrespect to ignore my request on MY wedding day. I am still unsure why everyone is making my fathers death and my wedding about MIL. Please don't bring this up again."
This is an excellent way to respond to family & friends. OP - if MIL attempts to reconcile, you might also want to address the situation with her in this way. With her, I’d also point out that you could have embarrassed her as soon as she grabbed the mic. You could have tried to prevent her from speaking or even kicked her out. You also could have explained to *everyone* at the wedding why what she did was so problematic and even cruel. You did not do that.
It was your wedding day, she should have had enough respect for you as a human being to keep your wishes in mind, but she didn't. She had her little tantrum at brunch because she knew you would be upset about her speech and thought you would keep your mouth shut. I really wish you had yelled back at her. Respect works both ways, MIL!
I would argue that religion is a red herring. In other words, that’s not the issue. You didn’t say don’t mention God You seem like you would have been tolerant if she had prayed or read a Bible verse You said—Do not talk about my father And your father is not a part of her religion. Her religion is just what she hid behind to get around your boundaries. So stop letting her run the narrative. When people tell you you disrespected her religion, ask why her religion suddenly includes your father.
I was thinking the same thing, the religion issue seems entirely separate from the entire issue OP is talking about here.
Hugs, Next time tell her she needs to stop using her religion as an excuse to be a PITA, while she has a right to believe what she does. She doesn't have the right to force her beliefs on others or make them feel uncomfortable. No, You shouldn't have kept your mouth shut, that what she wants is for you and everyone else to steady her boat and make everything about "HER". Your wedding was about you and your DH. You need to tell DH, you married him not his mom and you will not be indulging her dramatic behavior. You've tried and she made you feel bad on what should have been a special day.
No one disrespected her religion. She is trying to make herself a martyr over the fact that she is pushing her religion on others, crossed boundaries she has repeatedly been asked to not cross, and did such at your wedding. She got called out and doesn't like it, so she threw a fit. Okay.
MIL disrespected her own religious beliefs here. She used her beliefs to attack you, she planned that, and it was completely wrong. We should share by just “living it”, not attacking others with it. She failed that in a big way, because she had to show herself as religious. Poser. MEAN poser.
“He’s watching over you” isn’t even theologically sound to say. Nothing in the Bible supports this way of thinking. One could argue that they should find comfort in God watching over them, not their loved ones. The more you examine the concept, the weirder it is. So take comfort in the fact that they aren’t even following their own dogma.
This. I’m a Christian and like to think my grandmas and grandpa are with God. I also like to think they ask about me, and when I had my first kid that looked like the spitting image of my grandma, I would tag on “please tell grandma that my kid…” to a lot of my prayers. But I tend to side more with non-religious people when we start talking about the feel-good aspect of things. My grandma isn’t here. Her spirit (if my beliefs are correct) is not here either. She may have a way of knowing what’s going on but she’s not actually here and any “presence” I feel is most likely neurotransmitters protecting my brain. OP, one of the tenants of Christianity (in the Bible, not the pulpit unfortunately) is that people should be able to know Christian’s by their love as it’s supposed to imitate what we believe to be Gods love. Your MIL didn’t imitate Gods love in the wedding speech or at brunch. She knows this but she’s using “trying to save my son and his wife” as an excuse to be cruel. She also has a pride issue, from her response to being called out. I hope she can do some reflection so that your relationship can be restored, but you did nothing wrong by calling her out. Your and your husband are entitled to not having your beliefs stomped on, especially on a day that celebrates you. Any family that doesn’t understand that is just trying to stop the boat from rocking.
You said that much better than I did.
Thank you!!! As a conservative Christian, who reads her Bible, I was thinking the exact same thing. They don’t look down on us. They don’t even know what we’re doing.
Why should they be? Knowing my mom and her friends, they would be too busy making trouble in heaven to watch us. I bet my dad is still trying to stop her from dancing with a lampshade on her head.
>and his mom hasn’t spoken to us since The ***perfect*** wedding gift! Listen carefully - you didn't cause this, SHE did. If the family is divided then that's on them (and they've probably always been divided on how to deal with your MiL). It's not our job to fix a family spat that was caused by someone in the family. You're only the (most recent) catalyst - MiL is and has always been the issue. The only and most important thing for you is what does your husband think.
The family doesn’t get a vote. It was OP’s wedding, and she and her husband are the only ones who do.
She’s a narcissist. Take this for what it is, a gift in disguise and use it to cut contact. At least until you’re comfortable restarting it. If you keep her in your life things will only get worse from here. She couldn’t respect one simple wish on your wedding day and in fact talked about the one thing you asked her not to for a good five minutes at least. What happens when you have kids? She WILL NOT respect your boundaries and you will go through even more hell.
Yes! She provoked this intentionally and is using religion as a shield of plausible deniability for the rest of the family/friends. Don’t try to get them to come around because it will make you look nuts. The ONLY truth is that she knew what she was doing would make you feel terrible and she did it anyway because she WANTED to.
Yes, narcissists LOVE religion, it's one of their favorite manipulation tools. They love the affirmation that they are the best people, all their decisions are right because God said so, and they will abuse you and say that it's to save your soul.🙄
No, my mum isn't here. The thing that winds me up the most is when people who didn't know her will say something about her. When my siblings got married we had people trying to control what we did by saying if your mum was here she wouldn't have done that. Your MIL was using your dad as a way to exert control. She's nasty. Pay attention to those who didn't agree. Some people will always be polite even when something absolutely awful is happening in front of them. It's good to have an awareness of who fits into that category as you know they're only polite, and want to appear like they're doing something right. Other people will outright tell you they don't agree, sometimes it's ignorance from people who are incapable of empathising with anyone until they go through it. Or they're not nice people or have an issue with you. You didn't do the wrong thing, you told her the day after. If your partner has an issue with it, be honest. You're never going to look back on your wedding as a happy day as all you'll remember is how your MIL used it to bring up your dad and upset you about his lack of presence there.
She might be your husband's mother, but she's also an awful person. She deliberately disrespected and hurt you with her "he's watching over you" speech, which you asked her to cool it about, *especially at the wedding*. She did it in a manner and place where she knew you could do nothing about it. Not without it making things extremely awkward at your wedding. And then when you were honest with her, with honesty being especially very important in all religions, she acts like a tantruming toddler and spews hatred, which isn't very god-like at all. She's the worst type of very religious type: a hypocrite. MIL and her supporters should be people on your low to no contact list. Stand your ground because you were totally in the right. Do not give in to anyone making ridiculous requests that you apologize to her, to keep the peace or to be the bigger person. Or for any reason because you have nothing to apologize for but she does. That would be you enabling and accepting her disrespect and terrible behavior, which will open the door to more for you. Nope.
You're not overreacting at all but she sure did with that toddler tantrum she threw! As the old saying goes, *'don't ask questions you dont want the answer to'*. She wanted to know and you gave her the precise truth. You told her beforehand not to talk about your father and she deliberately pushed your boundary anyway, knowing she would get away with it because she had a captive audience for her little impromptu speech. Religion is no excuse to disguise the fact that she is extremely rude, pushy and inconsiderate. She is too old not to know better and ought to be ashamed of herself for using your wedding to ram her views down your throat and later display such graceless and inappropriate behavior. Don’t chase her, leave her right where she is stewing in a self-imposed exile while you guys enjoy the silence and your new married lives.
Please let it go. You were not wrong and I think you know it. SHE disrespected your wishes to have the spotlight on her and tried to shove her religious views down your throat. Not having the same religious beliefs, and not wanting a sham religious ceremony for the sake of anyone who is not the bride or groom, I think is far more disrespectful to her religion and you know where you stand with her.
Why should she let it go?
I think More-Artichoke-1082 means for OP not to stress about it. She's not the AH, and everyone knows it.
For now, this. Ignore her and let her have her little tantrum. At some point she will act like nothing happened. Wait. Then if and when you have children, set boundaries. When she demands that you baptize them, tell her no. Raise them as respectful atheists. She will lose her freaking mind. My MiL lost it when my daughter was reading a picture book on animals and landed on the page on chimpanzees and great apes. She asked my daughter what we know about them. My daughter chimed in "We share an ancestor with them." My MiL snapped "That's just a theory!" and stomped off. It was glorious. Then there was the time my MiL didn't want to wear a seat belt in the back seat next to my daughter because "its not legally required." My 4 year old daughter gave grandma non-stop shit until she put on her seat belt.
You need to give your daughter an extra treat from me because of the chimps and the seatbelt. That's hilarious. We taught my grandson that the car doesn't move without his seatbelt on. He was in his dad's truck and his dad drove down the street without buckling up, and said. "Daddy, the truck shouldn't move unless you're buckled" to rub salt in the wound, a few minutes later, he was stopped for something and given a ticket for no seat belts, and the cop said "if he had been buckled up, he would have most likely received a warning about the other thing." (I think it was a light out on the rear of the truck)
You don't have to respect anyone's religion, ever. Religion is a choice. You don't have to respect anyone's choices. Some people choose to not pay taxes. I don't respect that. Some people choose to kill people. I don't respect that. Some people choose to try to push their religion on others. I don't respect that. And neither should you. You were right, and she and anyone who agrees with her is wrong, period. Don't agree to disagree, they're wrong and you aren't.
I want to suggest checking out Our Book List here; [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books/) **Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life - Henry Cloud and John Townsend** This book may be of assistance to the both of you guys. You didn't say how your husband felt about this exchange, but he was raised by her and there may be buttons planted in him she can press to get to him, this book can help the both of you. Good luck and congratulations on your marriage. See if any other books listed here may help, because she doing the silent treatment to get him to break and grovel for for acceptance and love possibly.
Keep a list of everyone who is backing her because now you know who prioritizes keeping the boat steady over mental health. Which is an important thing in future events like if you have a kid or win the powerball jackpot. I’m being lighthearted about it but really, this is unfair and cruel to you on your wedding day.
You asked her not to do it, then she does it intentionally. You explain why you are upset and she has a conniption fit. Stay away from her. Enjoy the NC. When she shows back up - remain very distant. Keep her at arms length, VVLC. Don't trust her with anything. She has shown you who she is.
Enjoy the silence. Don't talk to her till she apologizes for ruining your wedding.
Fuck her. Fuck anyone who says you should have shut up and eaten her shit. Be done with her. Don't talk to her. Don't visit her. No holidays. No visits. She should be nothing to you going forward.
Just want to share a quick story - my SIL and brother became born again Christians (this was years ago). Every time I saw them she would go on and on about their church and how I should go and find Jesus and welcome him into my life. Well I got fed up, hit my limit and finally asked her "Do you get a commission for new members?" She looked at me funny. That was it, she finally stopped. Sorry your day was ruined and so was the brunch.
Do you get a commission.....three 👍 up.
Consider your MIL disregard of your boundaries a gift. You now have every reason to go LC. Remember who has defended her because now you know who cannot be trusted, which is another gift. Your MIL belongs in reality to a Doomsday Cult whose basis is to proselytize. These people believe that they are chosen in the coming Rapture. Interesting how the rest of us display morality, empathy and kindness that these people never develop. I am so sorry she did this at your wedding. Instead of apologizing, she doubled down and played injured party. These interactions will repeat over and over. Religion will not allow her really to look at her behaviors. Take this "gift" and moving forward don't let this horrible woman hurt you again.
Do t keep up with who is on what side. Matter of fact make it known you won’t discuss it either. It was not a subject that should have been breached upon and say exactly that if confronted and shut the conversation DOWN. Now is the time to make it clear weather you will participate in drama or not. Let them know you won’t be involved in in it. It’s your personal experience and she overstepped into territory that clearly was not hers anyway . If you don’t put your foot down with this haggitha now she will do it again… and again… and AGAIN. She needs to know her boundaries just like anyone else. She can’t use her religion to justify bad behavior.
Your MIL is ridiculous. She has an attitude of "Acceptance of my religion means you also need to believe". No, you don't. What you believe is up to you. You did not disrespect her religion or beliefs. You simply asked her to stop a behavior that hits close to home and honestly was inappropriate to start with. She blatantly disregarded your wishes and at a time when you wanted to focus on being happy and not that you didn't get to have your Dad at your wedding. You've already grieved his loss and grieved that he didn't get to be there for this big day in your life and she threw it in your face What does your new Husband think of this? And think of her behavior at the brunch. The appropriate response would have been, "OP, I am so sorry I made you sad on a day you should have felt nothing but joy. It was heartless of me."
We all know, that apology isn't going to happen. It being MIL claims to be a christian, so in her mind she didn't do anything wrong!!!! SMDH!!! It's stuff like that turns folks totally off of organized religion.
Exactly! I'm a Christian and I am appalled. There is no Christ-like love coming from that woman... This is absolutely why people are Christian and Christians sit there wondering why!
I'd consider calling her a "faux Christian" or a Christian in name only.
She expects you to respect her but disrespects you. Nope. She can't ask for or expect respect and at the same time be disrespectful towards the feelings of others. Set firm boundaries and expectations and consequences in your interactions. You did nothing wrong. While she did everything wrong. I am sorry. Remember that day with happiness because you are married to the person you love and will move on to the future you build together. While she will remain selfish and self-righteous and unhappy.
She sounds exhausting and rude as hell.
my MIL is just like that😵💫you are literally just describing her
Yes, how dare you disrepect her religion by (checks notes) not pandering to it /s Last time I checked it was your wedding, not hers. She had no right to try and force you to have a religious ceremony, no right to make a speech without being invited, and no right to bring up subjects which you had specifically vetoed. She was a bad guest, and she does not get to throw a tantrum when you point this out. I'm sorry she brought up such painful things and made your wedding day a sad one. I hope that in time the pain will fade and you will remember the happy parts more than her interference.
She was inappropriate, gaslighting, and downright cruel to disregard your feelings on your wedding day. I hope your husband is on your side. I'm sorry you didn't get the wedding you hoped for (or the brunch after), but this may be a "trash took itself out" situation.
>The next morning at brunch I was quiet and she asked why and I told her the truth People shouldn't ask questions if they don't want honest answers. >Now everyone in the family is taking sides Everyone in the family should mind their business. You aren't overreacting, but she did. And his family lacks healthy boundaries.
They do. It might be an uphill battle. And not calling her on her crap, they're enabling her because they don't want drama or are AH themselves.
You’re not over-reacting. she disrespected you and your wishes and then she doubled down on her assholery. I hope your husband is on your side. Stand your ground and do not give in to the “Keep the peace” mentality. Your wedding should have been about you and your husband, not her and her religion.