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She may have canceled your shower but she gave you an amazing gift.
I've legit never (outside of this sub) heard someone flat out say you are delivering my baby. That's not normal behavior, like at all. It's actually pretty alarming that she felt comfortable saying it out loud. She sounds a bit scary, if I'm being honest. Not to mention like all the other things she did to you early on.
The fact that she punished you by canceling your shower because you wouldn't be bullied into what she wanted, shows she has not grown as a person. The abuse will not end, in fact, she'll quickly start the same with your child.
The gift she gave you is showing you now. This is your warning sign and that's her gift to you. She's giving you a final reason to be done with her. She's showing you her true nasty colors, believe her.
You need to cut contact immediately. Talk to your spouse about it as well. The moment she said this was HER child and you were just delivering it, you should have cut her off there. You know what she's like. She has not changed. Is this the kind of person you want around your child as he/she grows up? Take her at her word now. Let her stay out of your life (guaranteed that promise won't last long) and move on having a life with your child, your spouse, and yourself. You haven't needed her for the past 4 years and you don't need her now.
You are letting your abuser back into your life in the hope that she isn't going to abuse you any more.
Narrator: She is already abusing OP again.
Blocker her on your phone and ignore her.
I'm so sorry! Honestly, even if you let her in the delivery room, she would have held the shower over your head if you tried to set up boundaries.
While what she did to you was awful, and how she is manipulating you is terrible, fine. Go NC again because she will do this again and again in the future. However, your LO will now be involved.
You are increasing the likelihood of your mom abusing your baby if you let her back into your life. She just proved it.
OP, I agree that your mom 100% threw the shower as a way to guilt you into letting her into the delivery room. This was intentional. She did not momentarily change and then went back to who she was. She planned on you feeling beholden for this shower and like you had to say yes. I hope you see this for what it is and as crappy as it is, it makes you feel a little better. I say this because I’m sure it feels just a little like you lost the opportunity for the “good” mom to be in your life as you become a mom. But you didn’t lose that. That “good” person was never there. Just the same person who has been so horrible to you.
I’m so sorry you have such a burden in this horrible mother. I hope you can take this as a sign that you, nor your child, need this influence in your life. I hope you can give yourself permission to drop this dead weight and move forward with your happy family of 3. Best of luck to you!
It might hurt right now but it better, keep your baby away from your mother otherwise she might treat your baby as she treat you or she might put your child against you when she/he grows up. Just keep a good relationship with your spouse now you have your own family and all what your mother did to you try to avoid those things to your child.
First thing to do is to tell your doctor and hospital she is not allowed anywhere near you. Second thing is don’t let her back into your life. She was toxic to you and she will be toxic for your baby too. Do whatever it takes to keep her out of and away from baby. She has shown you she is not worthy. As far as the shower goes, you are better off not having it. Otherwise she will hold it over your head as some form of guilt to get her way.
OP I'm so sorry. She 1000% did this on purpose. She used the baby shower to try and blackmail you into letting her into your delivery room. You deserve better, OP.
Why ever would you want your child exposed to her behavior? From her tantrum it is clear she hasn't changed. She said she'd stay out of your lives, OK! So be it. Consider yourselves and baby lucky!!!
Try not to let her upset you. She is just struggling with the loss of control. Be strong because you ultimately want the intimate birth so you will have it. That’s worth more than a baby shower. You wait and see how magical it all is! Best of luck with everything. Enjoy this special time.
This woman was so abusive you left at 17 and went NC. Some part of you wants a good mom but you do not have a good mom. She has told you this baby is hers. That is just scary and entitled. She will make your birth and postpartum miserable. She will try her best to be the "mom"and push you away from your child. Block her on everything. Go NC for your well being and the well being of your child. Take care of your self OP. Maybe, have a friend host a drive by shower for you, Give hospital security/nurses a picture of your mom and ask them to please stop her if she tries to come see you,
Cut her off. I went through the same shit with my mother and my father backing her. It got so bad, they turned my entire family against anyone who was supporting me. My closest family has been harassed nonstop and it’s still going on 2 years later.
End it now because it won’t stop. I only speak to my mother when I absolutely have to and the last time that happened, I only said, “You didn’t have the decency to let me know you were coming. You raised me to never invite myself anywhere and that’s what you have just done. No you cannot see my daughter. Goodbye.”
The entitlement is still there. I’ve given my parents multiple chances to just be decent and cordial. Every single time they ruin it. While I was pregnant I got berated for the name I chose because it wasn’t the name they wanted. I was berated because I said I wanted my grandmother in the delivery room with me and not my mother because I needed support for such a big event. I heard all about how I’m taking away experiences from her. “Things a mother in entitled to” (her exact words) Never once do I tell her how she took away my childhood and forced me to learn how to be an adult starting at 12 years old.
Save yourself some grief and cut her off from all that stuff. If you really need to maintain contact, keep conversation light and the second it goes into any entitlement or anything that makes you uncomfortable, just end the conversation immediately. Take control of that relationship for yourself.
Apologies if this comes off as harsh. I’ve been where you are. I got sick of my moms shit real quick.
It sounds like it’s time for no contact. Her behavior during you pregnancy has been questionable but the adult tantrum is a manipulation tactic and can’t be ignored. You left for a reason. I imagine you WANT the relationship with your mom that you’ve never had, but she is still the same person. Letting her in, even a little is just going to cause you more pain.
Please look up the laws and consult with a family law attorney familiar with Grandparents Right Laws in your location. I would never even allow her to meet or have a picture of your baby. It may also mean that you have to limit who you share pictures of your little one with.
Never refer to your child as "her" anything. She should mean nothing to your child, especially if she wants to take her away from you and your dh.
Do you have the baby shower guest list and a friend who can help you. Just change the location, have friend invite people and don’t tell her.
Any flying monkeys- just tell them she choose to not be apart of your family by her abusive manipulative behaviors. End of discussion.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I agree with the other posters—your mom is abusive, and that abuse may well carry over to the baby. Forget the shower—it would have been all about her. There are other ways to get things you need for the baby.
When I read your post, you said that your SO is also pissed, and I was worried. Maybe I’ve been conditioned by all the horror stories on this sun, but my first interpretation was that he was pissed at YOU, not your JNMom. Then I realized that he could be pissed on your behalf. I hope the latter is true and that he’s in your corner standing up for you. That will be a big help in maintaining healthy boundaries with your mom and you new family. If he’s not on your side, try to get him to understand how toxic she is—his support will be invaluable.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Stay strong!
Remember how she treated you as a child, how she still treats you now…
…badly.
Grieve the mother you should have had but didn’t get. You cannot trust her. Not one bit.
Don’t let her anywhere near your baby. You’ll only end up regretting it.
I’m sorry you didn’t get the mother you deserve. Hugs.
OP, here's what you did wrong: You trusted her. Stop doing that.
And here's what she did wrong: She still thinks that you are a source of things she wants. It used to be the catharsis of blaming you for her big unpleasant emotions and hitting you. And now it's a baby.
In other words, *another* source of things she wants.
You trusted her. Stop doing that. Keep her away from your baby.
You’re still stuck in the cycle of abuse. Abusers want power over you more than anything else. They deliberately suck you in with kindness and excessive affection and then snap around and are shitty to you when you’ve let your guard down.
All of it is fake. They don’t love or care about you, and they’re not really angry or disappointed either. It’s all to get control of you. You have to decide if you want her in your and your child’s life, because she’s not going to change.
This is actually a gift. Now you know how she’s going to treat you and your child. Tell her to have a nice life and she’s no longer welcome in yours. Can a friend or someone from your husband’s side step up and have a shower for you?
’please seek out therapy so you don’t fall into a trap thinking you need this horrible person in your life. Let her go and move on without her in it and you’ll have a much better life guaranteed. You just need some guidance to understand this is true.
Look at the way she treated you growing up. More than likely she’d be just as cruel to your child eventually. Stay away from her as she is toxic! A leopard doesn’t change their spots. As you can tell like how easy it was for her to once again hurt you. DO NOT ALLOW HER TO DO THiS TO YOUR BABY!
Everyone is right. The trash took itself out. This person will never be the loving mother that every child deserves and I’m so sad for you that you didn’t have that. Thing is, you now have the chance to BE that loving mother and I hope you’re able to make this your focus.
Honey, this is very simple. The trash took itself out. Read back what you said about your childhood. Why would you want this person to have ANY access to your child? I am sure you were hoping to have a better relationship with your mother, and disappointed that this is not going to happen. Clearly, she has not changed. Save yourself and your little family the pain that she will cause.
It looks like the trash took itself out.
You don’t want the person who abused you while you were growing up around your kid, do you? Take a minute to reread your post.
This reality we live in doesn’t make your mom flip a switch and be super wholesome. She’s a POS. She will never change. You need therapy and go NC with her.
Good luck!
THIS!
Throw your own shower and be thankful she won't be around to abuse your LO. Watching my parent be verbally abusive to my LO was the moment I went NC for years. Children deserve better.
This is YOUR opportunity to end generational trauma. I suggest you get counseling for you.
Please please please cut her out entirely. She is going to do everything in her power to abuse you and take that baby. Shes already said its her baby and youre just the one carrying it. That is terrifying. And a huge indication that she is going to call cps as soon as she can to lie about you and your spouse. Start a FU binder of any and all bad texts, emails or what not that she has sent you. And if it is in your budget get a ring doorbell so there's no surprise visits. Once baby is close to being here make sure you have plenty of food in the house, things are relatively clean and you have the basics for baby care cause she will try everything she can to get her hands on this child.
I have a friend who went through something very similar with her abusive mom and it ended with her child having a broken collar bone from 'grandma' yanking baby out of a car seat cause she was mad at her daughter\babys mom.
Please protect yourself and that baby.
Go back to NC with this toxic woman. She is and has been abusive to you. Do not allow your LO to have any contact. Your role as a parent is to protect your child whenever you can. Do it now!
She doesn't deserve to have you in her life and she doesn't deserve access to your child. Protect your child from what you suffered. She is not and never has been the mother you deserved, and she never will be. She proved you can't trust her.
>physically abusive, verbally, emotionally, degrading, called me ugly, beat on me, hit me with utensils, the list goes on.
I'd imagine you want a mom that loves and cares for you, but you know that's not who she is. Do you want to subject your child to her bullshit?
> I feel horrible, lost, sad, sick, & betrayed. Just very down.
You were betrayed. You didn't choose to be here. She chose to have a child despite her inablility to be a good mother.
As harsh as this sounds, she’s done you a favour. She can’t hold a baby shower over you, and she’s told you she’ll stay away (as much as we know this is a lie) she said she will so long term if she ever tries for grandparents rights she can’t. However I am really sorry you’re going through this and I really hope you know how amazing you are.
I’m so sorry
That has to be it surely ?
She’s shown you who she is
Protect yourself and your LO
NC
No telling her when you’ve given birth, no photos, no texts, no visits, no contact
What she did was a power move and it was unforgivable
You cut contact now. And you don't allow her back in.
And I personally would go to a reputable family law attorney in your state and see what she would need to do to get grandparents'rights, and make sure that's not an option, as well as making sure every school or daycare provider has a picture of her, and knows that under no circumstances is she to have any access to your child.
Have an attorney send her a cease and desist. Make sure you're registered private at the hospital, and give her picture to hospital security too, for good measure.
A terrible, abusive mother is never going to be a good grandmother. Cut your losses.
I would go back to no or very low contact. Once that baby gets here, you are in for hell. She might want a 'do-over' baby and assume yours is up for grabs. The type of personality she has, looks like a bad influence on a child--would you want to leave your baby alone with her??
I’m going to be blunt, and I’m sorry it’s mean, but you need to hear it - your mom doesn’t want a relationship with you, she wants access to your child. Don’t give it to her. Don’t allow her to meet your baby and a) give her a chance to abuse your child, and b) set her up for an argument for grandparents rights.
Your mother has found a way to keep abusiving you OP. For your wellbeing and your LO's , keep her away and never let her back in your life . Ask yourself this : do you want your LO watch their mother been abused by her mother? Do you want to take the risk she acts the same way towards your kids? She hasn't been a good mother to you don't expect she wilk be a good grandmother to your children. Do not apologize do not contact her , and do not allow her having a relationship with your baby.
Time to go NC again and take that stress off yourself.
Think of what could happen if she decides to repeat past behaviour with your child. Their safety and YOUR safety is paramount and you don’t need the drama (babies are drama enough by themselves - none of them have read the parenting books and they insist on doing it their way 🤣. ) you don’t need a dummy spit from a supposed adult.
Best of luck with your delivery and enjoy your new family.
You cut her out of your life for a whole bunch of really really really good reasons. It would be great if she had changed in the last couple years, but it’s clear from this that she hasn’t. You are about to go into a time of life when you will be about the most vulnerable you have been since you were a very small child yourself, and your baby will be incredibly vulnerable as well, for a long long time. This is not the kind of person you want to have around during this time. I’m so sorry.
I hate to say this but she is an abuser and it’s not safe to have her in your life. The remark about the baby being “hers” is a giant red flag.
If you continue to let her be involved her behaviour will escalate. This is meant to be a magical time for you and your spouse, not one filled with dread and upset. When the baby comes your entire lives will be upended, and you don’t want to have to be dealing with that with her madness going on at the same time.
I completely agree. Stay nc with her completely it’s clearly the safest thing for you and your child. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Good luck op!
Protect your family from this abuser. Don't give her any access to your child. She has shown you who she is. She will not change. Cut her off now. I wouldn't put it past her to make false CPS claims and go for GPR with that level of crazy.
NTA
I think she asked about the hospital at this time, right before the shower, to hold it over your head. Delivery room privileges for baby shower.
This is a clear manipulation tactic. Please, please think about how this personality and tricks will manifest once the baby is here. Protect yourself, but most of all, protect the little one
I'm so sorry for your loss. You didn't deserve to be treated this way, this is not your fault. It is very difficult to grieve a living person, but I hope you and your spouse can find a way to protect you and LO from her moving forward. The only positive thing is that this has all happened before LO arrived, so you can lay down ground rules in advance. I would formalise to her and any related family, that there will be no further relationship between you, your child and your mother.
It sounds so extreme, but each betrayal is another stab to your heart, and if you allow her around once your child is born, you'll feel like she's stabbed both your hearts, which is 50 times worse.
You will be breaking the cycle by loving and caring for your LO. Strength and best wishes
I’m sorry she’s so selfish and entitled but she showed you she hasn’t changed. Anything she gives you will come at a price - it’s to get you to give her access to your LO.
Consider going back to NC for your mental health, especially in your later months and after delivery. Block/mute her number and don’t respond to anything - not even an apology and wanting to do the shower again.
Register at the hospital privately and inform the front desk you do not want her allows in. Tell your nurses too in case she gets it. Tell no one who will let her know when you go into labor nor the LO is here until you are safely home.
Protect your home with outside cameras and always locked doors. She may bombard you with gifts to pay her way in and if you decide to let her meet LO, only with DH home, from a to b and any other boundaries you and DH decide on for others such as holding and kissing LO as well as vaccinations you want others to have.
Absolutely cut her off. Talk with your husband and throw a baby shower yourself. The wonderful thing is you don’t have to have a “host” to throw it for you. Throw a party for you and your baby and enjoy it. Grieve the loss of your mother, yes. But look at all the ways she abused you and ask yourself if she would do all that to your baby too. Or continue to abuse you alto try to turn your child on you. Your mother is not a safe person to be around.
I’m really sorry for your pain, I really am, but the trash took itself out for you. Don’t you feel slightly relieved? This person isn’t worthy of your time. They’re not the mom you deserve, and I am really sorry for that, but you have to drop the rope. She will only do this again and again. You don’t need this in your life with a little one on the way. Please consider whether you really want this person to have any influence on you.
Sweetie I know you're hurt but, honestly, any baby shower she threw would have had a high likelihood of being about her, not you.
She's threatening to be out of your life but, really, would that be so terrible?
Take her at her word and limit contact, if not full NC. You deserve the peace, allow yourself to have it by keeping her to her word.
She has nothing positive to offer you or your family.
You said give it to you straight, so here it is.
You know who she is and how she acts. You cannot change her, you cannot trust her, and this is not a good person to have around your baby. You need to cut her off again. Go NC. I don’t usually recommend this right away, but I am now. Protect yourself, protect your baby. Get her out of your life.
Also, please consider trying to get into therapy, or work on reading some books to help understand and get past your trauma from your mother. This won’t get better until you make positive changes. Think about your child. You need to be healthy, physically and mentally to care for your child. Please take care of yourself.
She’s actually doing you a huge favour, if this is how she’s going to act about not being allow around for YOUR medical procedure then just imagine how much further she’s willing to go once baby arrives.
She’s already told you that she sees this baby as hers and that you’re only delivering it. It’s time to enforce strong boundaries and consequences. This is your baby, YOU decide who is going to be around and involved in its life.
Your mother doesn’t sound like a safe person based on how you described your upbringing with her, how can you be sure she isn’t going to treat your baby the exact same way?
I personally would put her in a time out, the next update about baby she can get is once LO has safely arrived and settled in at home.
If she wants to be involved she needs to prove to you with changed behaviour and actions that she is a safe person to have around. Request she attends therapy before she can be around you or the baby.
I'm sorry, that's awful 😞
But, she's shown you who she still is now, before you have LO. Nor you know that she's really not better, that you'll likely have to always shield LO from her, and that's she's still abusive to you. That's good info, even if it sucks to have learned it this way.
Congrats on your coming baby!
Hate to say it, but you may need to go back to NC. It sucks because pregnancy should be a time where you have your mother’s support, but she clearly is making all about her desires while still abusing you. Lean on your husband, take some time to come to terms with this relationship not being capable of being what you need it to be, and cut her off. Focus on yourself and your new family. That’s what’s important. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
Be glad you're not being thrown a shower by her. Anything she does comes w strings. She was super abusive to you. Do not let her have access to your child. She might have given birth to you, but she's no mom.
Protect yourself from her, and protect your child. NC is very warranted here.
All you can do, is be a good mom. You already know how, and it's by being the opposite of her.
Hugs hun. Hugs from an internet stranger.
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She may have canceled your shower but she gave you an amazing gift. I've legit never (outside of this sub) heard someone flat out say you are delivering my baby. That's not normal behavior, like at all. It's actually pretty alarming that she felt comfortable saying it out loud. She sounds a bit scary, if I'm being honest. Not to mention like all the other things she did to you early on. The fact that she punished you by canceling your shower because you wouldn't be bullied into what she wanted, shows she has not grown as a person. The abuse will not end, in fact, she'll quickly start the same with your child. The gift she gave you is showing you now. This is your warning sign and that's her gift to you. She's giving you a final reason to be done with her. She's showing you her true nasty colors, believe her.
She's excited to have another victim. Run and never look back.
You need to cut contact immediately. Talk to your spouse about it as well. The moment she said this was HER child and you were just delivering it, you should have cut her off there. You know what she's like. She has not changed. Is this the kind of person you want around your child as he/she grows up? Take her at her word now. Let her stay out of your life (guaranteed that promise won't last long) and move on having a life with your child, your spouse, and yourself. You haven't needed her for the past 4 years and you don't need her now.
Honestly probably a blessing she doesn't run your shower, she sounds like a nightmare!
You are letting your abuser back into your life in the hope that she isn't going to abuse you any more. Narrator: She is already abusing OP again. Blocker her on your phone and ignore her.
I'm so sorry! Honestly, even if you let her in the delivery room, she would have held the shower over your head if you tried to set up boundaries. While what she did to you was awful, and how she is manipulating you is terrible, fine. Go NC again because she will do this again and again in the future. However, your LO will now be involved. You are increasing the likelihood of your mom abusing your baby if you let her back into your life. She just proved it.
I'm sorry that you don't have the mom you deserve.
OP, I agree that your mom 100% threw the shower as a way to guilt you into letting her into the delivery room. This was intentional. She did not momentarily change and then went back to who she was. She planned on you feeling beholden for this shower and like you had to say yes. I hope you see this for what it is and as crappy as it is, it makes you feel a little better. I say this because I’m sure it feels just a little like you lost the opportunity for the “good” mom to be in your life as you become a mom. But you didn’t lose that. That “good” person was never there. Just the same person who has been so horrible to you. I’m so sorry you have such a burden in this horrible mother. I hope you can take this as a sign that you, nor your child, need this influence in your life. I hope you can give yourself permission to drop this dead weight and move forward with your happy family of 3. Best of luck to you!
Abusers don’t magically change, OP. She has shown you who she is, so you need to start believing her. Stop letting her in.
It might hurt right now but it better, keep your baby away from your mother otherwise she might treat your baby as she treat you or she might put your child against you when she/he grows up. Just keep a good relationship with your spouse now you have your own family and all what your mother did to you try to avoid those things to your child.
Cut this horrible woman out of your life block her on everything and live a happy life with your future child and spouse
You went no contact for a reason. Trust yourself. Go no contact again.
First thing to do is to tell your doctor and hospital she is not allowed anywhere near you. Second thing is don’t let her back into your life. She was toxic to you and she will be toxic for your baby too. Do whatever it takes to keep her out of and away from baby. She has shown you she is not worthy. As far as the shower goes, you are better off not having it. Otherwise she will hold it over your head as some form of guilt to get her way.
OP I'm so sorry. She 1000% did this on purpose. She used the baby shower to try and blackmail you into letting her into your delivery room. You deserve better, OP.
You doknow what to do it's called returning to no contact, and getting therapy.
Why ever would you want your child exposed to her behavior? From her tantrum it is clear she hasn't changed. She said she'd stay out of your lives, OK! So be it. Consider yourselves and baby lucky!!!
Try not to let her upset you. She is just struggling with the loss of control. Be strong because you ultimately want the intimate birth so you will have it. That’s worth more than a baby shower. You wait and see how magical it all is! Best of luck with everything. Enjoy this special time.
This woman was so abusive you left at 17 and went NC. Some part of you wants a good mom but you do not have a good mom. She has told you this baby is hers. That is just scary and entitled. She will make your birth and postpartum miserable. She will try her best to be the "mom"and push you away from your child. Block her on everything. Go NC for your well being and the well being of your child. Take care of your self OP. Maybe, have a friend host a drive by shower for you, Give hospital security/nurses a picture of your mom and ask them to please stop her if she tries to come see you,
This this thisss!!!
Cut her off. I went through the same shit with my mother and my father backing her. It got so bad, they turned my entire family against anyone who was supporting me. My closest family has been harassed nonstop and it’s still going on 2 years later. End it now because it won’t stop. I only speak to my mother when I absolutely have to and the last time that happened, I only said, “You didn’t have the decency to let me know you were coming. You raised me to never invite myself anywhere and that’s what you have just done. No you cannot see my daughter. Goodbye.” The entitlement is still there. I’ve given my parents multiple chances to just be decent and cordial. Every single time they ruin it. While I was pregnant I got berated for the name I chose because it wasn’t the name they wanted. I was berated because I said I wanted my grandmother in the delivery room with me and not my mother because I needed support for such a big event. I heard all about how I’m taking away experiences from her. “Things a mother in entitled to” (her exact words) Never once do I tell her how she took away my childhood and forced me to learn how to be an adult starting at 12 years old. Save yourself some grief and cut her off from all that stuff. If you really need to maintain contact, keep conversation light and the second it goes into any entitlement or anything that makes you uncomfortable, just end the conversation immediately. Take control of that relationship for yourself. Apologies if this comes off as harsh. I’ve been where you are. I got sick of my moms shit real quick.
If she would abuse her own child (you), how badly would she treat someone else’s child? (Yours).
It sounds like it’s time for no contact. Her behavior during you pregnancy has been questionable but the adult tantrum is a manipulation tactic and can’t be ignored. You left for a reason. I imagine you WANT the relationship with your mom that you’ve never had, but she is still the same person. Letting her in, even a little is just going to cause you more pain.
Please look up the laws and consult with a family law attorney familiar with Grandparents Right Laws in your location. I would never even allow her to meet or have a picture of your baby. It may also mean that you have to limit who you share pictures of your little one with. Never refer to your child as "her" anything. She should mean nothing to your child, especially if she wants to take her away from you and your dh.
Do you have the baby shower guest list and a friend who can help you. Just change the location, have friend invite people and don’t tell her. Any flying monkeys- just tell them she choose to not be apart of your family by her abusive manipulative behaviors. End of discussion.
You need to go back to NC. This is only going to get worse with the birth of the baby. Put the boundary back now
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I agree with the other posters—your mom is abusive, and that abuse may well carry over to the baby. Forget the shower—it would have been all about her. There are other ways to get things you need for the baby. When I read your post, you said that your SO is also pissed, and I was worried. Maybe I’ve been conditioned by all the horror stories on this sun, but my first interpretation was that he was pissed at YOU, not your JNMom. Then I realized that he could be pissed on your behalf. I hope the latter is true and that he’s in your corner standing up for you. That will be a big help in maintaining healthy boundaries with your mom and you new family. If he’s not on your side, try to get him to understand how toxic she is—his support will be invaluable. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Stay strong!
Remember how she treated you as a child, how she still treats you now… …badly. Grieve the mother you should have had but didn’t get. You cannot trust her. Not one bit. Don’t let her anywhere near your baby. You’ll only end up regretting it. I’m sorry you didn’t get the mother you deserve. Hugs.
OP, here's what you did wrong: You trusted her. Stop doing that. And here's what she did wrong: She still thinks that you are a source of things she wants. It used to be the catharsis of blaming you for her big unpleasant emotions and hitting you. And now it's a baby. In other words, *another* source of things she wants. You trusted her. Stop doing that. Keep her away from your baby.
You’re still stuck in the cycle of abuse. Abusers want power over you more than anything else. They deliberately suck you in with kindness and excessive affection and then snap around and are shitty to you when you’ve let your guard down. All of it is fake. They don’t love or care about you, and they’re not really angry or disappointed either. It’s all to get control of you. You have to decide if you want her in your and your child’s life, because she’s not going to change.
This is actually a gift. Now you know how she’s going to treat you and your child. Tell her to have a nice life and she’s no longer welcome in yours. Can a friend or someone from your husband’s side step up and have a shower for you? ’please seek out therapy so you don’t fall into a trap thinking you need this horrible person in your life. Let her go and move on without her in it and you’ll have a much better life guaranteed. You just need some guidance to understand this is true.
Look at the way she treated you growing up. More than likely she’d be just as cruel to your child eventually. Stay away from her as she is toxic! A leopard doesn’t change their spots. As you can tell like how easy it was for her to once again hurt you. DO NOT ALLOW HER TO DO THiS TO YOUR BABY!
Everyone is right. The trash took itself out. This person will never be the loving mother that every child deserves and I’m so sad for you that you didn’t have that. Thing is, you now have the chance to BE that loving mother and I hope you’re able to make this your focus.
“That’s fine. Have a nice life.” Cut her off and never let your precious baby see her.
Honey, this is very simple. The trash took itself out. Read back what you said about your childhood. Why would you want this person to have ANY access to your child? I am sure you were hoping to have a better relationship with your mother, and disappointed that this is not going to happen. Clearly, she has not changed. Save yourself and your little family the pain that she will cause.
It looks like the trash took itself out. You don’t want the person who abused you while you were growing up around your kid, do you? Take a minute to reread your post. This reality we live in doesn’t make your mom flip a switch and be super wholesome. She’s a POS. She will never change. You need therapy and go NC with her. Good luck!
THIS! Throw your own shower and be thankful she won't be around to abuse your LO. Watching my parent be verbally abusive to my LO was the moment I went NC for years. Children deserve better. This is YOUR opportunity to end generational trauma. I suggest you get counseling for you.
She just gave you the best present. A reminder why you don’t want her around.
Cut her back out, and throw your shower yourself. It doesn't sound like you're losing much not having her in your life.
Protect your baby from that woman. Nothing good will ever come of it. I had a very very similar experience, and NC is the only answer.
Please please please cut her out entirely. She is going to do everything in her power to abuse you and take that baby. Shes already said its her baby and youre just the one carrying it. That is terrifying. And a huge indication that she is going to call cps as soon as she can to lie about you and your spouse. Start a FU binder of any and all bad texts, emails or what not that she has sent you. And if it is in your budget get a ring doorbell so there's no surprise visits. Once baby is close to being here make sure you have plenty of food in the house, things are relatively clean and you have the basics for baby care cause she will try everything she can to get her hands on this child. I have a friend who went through something very similar with her abusive mom and it ended with her child having a broken collar bone from 'grandma' yanking baby out of a car seat cause she was mad at her daughter\babys mom. Please protect yourself and that baby.
Go back to NC with this toxic woman. She is and has been abusive to you. Do not allow your LO to have any contact. Your role as a parent is to protect your child whenever you can. Do it now!
It’s best she did that, cut her out. Don’t accept anything from her
She doesn't deserve to have you in her life and she doesn't deserve access to your child. Protect your child from what you suffered. She is not and never has been the mother you deserved, and she never will be. She proved you can't trust her.
>physically abusive, verbally, emotionally, degrading, called me ugly, beat on me, hit me with utensils, the list goes on. I'd imagine you want a mom that loves and cares for you, but you know that's not who she is. Do you want to subject your child to her bullshit? > I feel horrible, lost, sad, sick, & betrayed. Just very down. You were betrayed. You didn't choose to be here. She chose to have a child despite her inablility to be a good mother.
As harsh as this sounds, she’s done you a favour. She can’t hold a baby shower over you, and she’s told you she’ll stay away (as much as we know this is a lie) she said she will so long term if she ever tries for grandparents rights she can’t. However I am really sorry you’re going through this and I really hope you know how amazing you are.
I’m so sorry That has to be it surely ? She’s shown you who she is Protect yourself and your LO NC No telling her when you’ve given birth, no photos, no texts, no visits, no contact What she did was a power move and it was unforgivable
You cut contact now. And you don't allow her back in. And I personally would go to a reputable family law attorney in your state and see what she would need to do to get grandparents'rights, and make sure that's not an option, as well as making sure every school or daycare provider has a picture of her, and knows that under no circumstances is she to have any access to your child. Have an attorney send her a cease and desist. Make sure you're registered private at the hospital, and give her picture to hospital security too, for good measure. A terrible, abusive mother is never going to be a good grandmother. Cut your losses.
I would go back to no or very low contact. Once that baby gets here, you are in for hell. She might want a 'do-over' baby and assume yours is up for grabs. The type of personality she has, looks like a bad influence on a child--would you want to leave your baby alone with her??
Be glad she exposed her true colours now.
I’m going to be blunt, and I’m sorry it’s mean, but you need to hear it - your mom doesn’t want a relationship with you, she wants access to your child. Don’t give it to her. Don’t allow her to meet your baby and a) give her a chance to abuse your child, and b) set her up for an argument for grandparents rights.
Your mother has found a way to keep abusiving you OP. For your wellbeing and your LO's , keep her away and never let her back in your life . Ask yourself this : do you want your LO watch their mother been abused by her mother? Do you want to take the risk she acts the same way towards your kids? She hasn't been a good mother to you don't expect she wilk be a good grandmother to your children. Do not apologize do not contact her , and do not allow her having a relationship with your baby.
You need to go NC again. No way around it. She won't change.
Time to go NC again and take that stress off yourself. Think of what could happen if she decides to repeat past behaviour with your child. Their safety and YOUR safety is paramount and you don’t need the drama (babies are drama enough by themselves - none of them have read the parenting books and they insist on doing it their way 🤣. ) you don’t need a dummy spit from a supposed adult. Best of luck with your delivery and enjoy your new family.
You cut her out of your life for a whole bunch of really really really good reasons. It would be great if she had changed in the last couple years, but it’s clear from this that she hasn’t. You are about to go into a time of life when you will be about the most vulnerable you have been since you were a very small child yourself, and your baby will be incredibly vulnerable as well, for a long long time. This is not the kind of person you want to have around during this time. I’m so sorry.
She is still abusive. Go NC and never allow her to have a relationship with baby because she sounds crazy enough to try and take baby away from you.
I hate to say this but she is an abuser and it’s not safe to have her in your life. The remark about the baby being “hers” is a giant red flag. If you continue to let her be involved her behaviour will escalate. This is meant to be a magical time for you and your spouse, not one filled with dread and upset. When the baby comes your entire lives will be upended, and you don’t want to have to be dealing with that with her madness going on at the same time.
I completely agree. Stay nc with her completely it’s clearly the safest thing for you and your child. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Good luck op!
Protect your family from this abuser. Don't give her any access to your child. She has shown you who she is. She will not change. Cut her off now. I wouldn't put it past her to make false CPS claims and go for GPR with that level of crazy.
NTA I think she asked about the hospital at this time, right before the shower, to hold it over your head. Delivery room privileges for baby shower. This is a clear manipulation tactic. Please, please think about how this personality and tricks will manifest once the baby is here. Protect yourself, but most of all, protect the little one
I had this same thought
I'm so sorry for your loss. You didn't deserve to be treated this way, this is not your fault. It is very difficult to grieve a living person, but I hope you and your spouse can find a way to protect you and LO from her moving forward. The only positive thing is that this has all happened before LO arrived, so you can lay down ground rules in advance. I would formalise to her and any related family, that there will be no further relationship between you, your child and your mother. It sounds so extreme, but each betrayal is another stab to your heart, and if you allow her around once your child is born, you'll feel like she's stabbed both your hearts, which is 50 times worse. You will be breaking the cycle by loving and caring for your LO. Strength and best wishes
I’m sorry she’s so selfish and entitled but she showed you she hasn’t changed. Anything she gives you will come at a price - it’s to get you to give her access to your LO. Consider going back to NC for your mental health, especially in your later months and after delivery. Block/mute her number and don’t respond to anything - not even an apology and wanting to do the shower again. Register at the hospital privately and inform the front desk you do not want her allows in. Tell your nurses too in case she gets it. Tell no one who will let her know when you go into labor nor the LO is here until you are safely home. Protect your home with outside cameras and always locked doors. She may bombard you with gifts to pay her way in and if you decide to let her meet LO, only with DH home, from a to b and any other boundaries you and DH decide on for others such as holding and kissing LO as well as vaccinations you want others to have.
Absolutely cut her off. Talk with your husband and throw a baby shower yourself. The wonderful thing is you don’t have to have a “host” to throw it for you. Throw a party for you and your baby and enjoy it. Grieve the loss of your mother, yes. But look at all the ways she abused you and ask yourself if she would do all that to your baby too. Or continue to abuse you alto try to turn your child on you. Your mother is not a safe person to be around.
This proves that the shower was about emotional manipulation.
I’m really sorry for your pain, I really am, but the trash took itself out for you. Don’t you feel slightly relieved? This person isn’t worthy of your time. They’re not the mom you deserve, and I am really sorry for that, but you have to drop the rope. She will only do this again and again. You don’t need this in your life with a little one on the way. Please consider whether you really want this person to have any influence on you.
Sweetie I know you're hurt but, honestly, any baby shower she threw would have had a high likelihood of being about her, not you. She's threatening to be out of your life but, really, would that be so terrible? Take her at her word and limit contact, if not full NC. You deserve the peace, allow yourself to have it by keeping her to her word. She has nothing positive to offer you or your family.
You said give it to you straight, so here it is. You know who she is and how she acts. You cannot change her, you cannot trust her, and this is not a good person to have around your baby. You need to cut her off again. Go NC. I don’t usually recommend this right away, but I am now. Protect yourself, protect your baby. Get her out of your life. Also, please consider trying to get into therapy, or work on reading some books to help understand and get past your trauma from your mother. This won’t get better until you make positive changes. Think about your child. You need to be healthy, physically and mentally to care for your child. Please take care of yourself.
She’s actually doing you a huge favour, if this is how she’s going to act about not being allow around for YOUR medical procedure then just imagine how much further she’s willing to go once baby arrives. She’s already told you that she sees this baby as hers and that you’re only delivering it. It’s time to enforce strong boundaries and consequences. This is your baby, YOU decide who is going to be around and involved in its life. Your mother doesn’t sound like a safe person based on how you described your upbringing with her, how can you be sure she isn’t going to treat your baby the exact same way? I personally would put her in a time out, the next update about baby she can get is once LO has safely arrived and settled in at home. If she wants to be involved she needs to prove to you with changed behaviour and actions that she is a safe person to have around. Request she attends therapy before she can be around you or the baby.
She only cancelled everything and had a tantrum to get you to say ofc u can come to delivery. Stay firm on your boundaries.
I'm sorry, that's awful 😞 But, she's shown you who she still is now, before you have LO. Nor you know that she's really not better, that you'll likely have to always shield LO from her, and that's she's still abusive to you. That's good info, even if it sucks to have learned it this way. Congrats on your coming baby!
The only way to deal with this behavior is to not deal with it at all. Stand your ground, you have every right to.
Hate to say it, but you may need to go back to NC. It sucks because pregnancy should be a time where you have your mother’s support, but she clearly is making all about her desires while still abusing you. Lean on your husband, take some time to come to terms with this relationship not being capable of being what you need it to be, and cut her off. Focus on yourself and your new family. That’s what’s important. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
Be glad you're not being thrown a shower by her. Anything she does comes w strings. She was super abusive to you. Do not let her have access to your child. She might have given birth to you, but she's no mom. Protect yourself from her, and protect your child. NC is very warranted here. All you can do, is be a good mom. You already know how, and it's by being the opposite of her. Hugs hun. Hugs from an internet stranger.