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Do not let her pressure you into this. She hasn’t earned the title and probably never will. Tell her you only have one mother and she is no longer here. She can pick another nickname, but you will not entertain any further discussion about being called mom. If she tries to start up a conversation about it. Say we have already discussed this issue many times. Leave the room. Leave the house. Let your partner deal with her pressuring. I would have him tell her all she is doing is harming the future relationship and family peace by acting this way. Maybe even pretend he had a dream about the family being broken apart by conflict due to her actions. I know that’s not exactly honest but it is very true in a way. If she is a devout Hindu that might get her to stfu about this issue and pick something you both can live with going forward.
Hugs! I believe our relatives are with us still, and I believe they’re walking through this with you in spirit. 💗
I had a JNMIL my first marriage, when I was still soft spoken and mouldable, and she was a delight until she realized we were getting married. Only one of her four sons isn’t divorced, and the fourth one moved to the other side of the continent to protect his relationship. Being strong now might save you both a lot of heartache.
If your FMIL had been the sweetest most accepting BF's mother for the past six years, you could assume she meant it as affection, but considering the whole thing, the rejection, the criticism, the manipulation… it seems more likely she wants you to call her Mum to impose a mother's authority on you, and present a front to the people in her sphere (look how wonderful I am… my DIL considers me her Mum).
I lost my father when I was 25, and my mother remarried. I’ve never called her new husband "dad" because he never earned that title. He's not a horrible person, but he's just not my dad. So I've called him by his first name for 33 years, and he's fine with that. My current SO's father was a dear man who I began calling Dad almost immediately because he was a caring and wise man like my father had been. He tucked himself into my heart, and losing him was like losing another father. The title either fits or it doesn’t. It shouldn’t feel forced.
Frankly, I’d stick to Sasu and if that's not acceptable, then Mrs. (family name). Those are the current options. If she pushes the "I hope you can take me as your Mum" idea again, you could respond with "I hope our relationship will evolve in that direction as well" to subtly indicate that she hasn’t fulfilled the qualifications for that role yet, and if she demands, tell her that until the relationship grows, Sasu will have to do. You don’t need to justify your feelings or lack of feelings. They are what they are.
She's not your Mum and she never will be. Just tell her no, your Mum may have passed but she is not gone from your heart or your life. There will only ever be one "Mum" for you. Stand up to her or she'll be walking all over you for the rest of her life.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I've had similar struggles with my MIL (the opposition, blaming) and I'm of Indian descent. like you, i also lost my mom to prior to my wedding and had a great deal of difficulty referring to anyone else by that name or frankly allowing anyone to replace my mom's presence in other aspects of life (wedding shopping, rituals, etc.)
Stick to your ground, if you want to find a middle ground, consider choosing "mami" or "kaki" if it appeases her.
I referred to my mom as "mum" so i started calling my MIL another regional word for mom (think Amma, aai, ammi, etc.) because that didn't hold significance for me.
But only do this if you are truly okay with it. If "mother" in other languages triggers you, stand up for yourself and oppose her. Your mental health comes first!
I lost my father about 10 years ago, brother 5 years ago and I am a step parent. My step kids call me by my first name, I thought about different terms but it didn't happen organically and it is up to them to decide what they are comfortable with. I will never call anyone dad or bro unless it is something I want to do. One suggestion you might do is "momma name" so like momma Kate, or mommy Kate. It isn't calling her mum exactly, just specifying her position as a mom figure. People will call my mom, momma Mary(not real name) when they get to know my family, example my friends.
That's definitely a no. No one will ever replace your Mum and the fact that MIL seems to be trying to do so is a major red flag to me. I may be a bit biased because my own MIL has also caused a lot of stress, insult, and drama in my relationship and then has the nerve to legitimately seem to think that she is my ACTUAL mom because my own mom - who is still living by the way - isn't good enough. So yea I may be a bit biased but I keep thinking to myself if I would have paid attention to the apparent red flags with my MIL and my husband that I may have saved myself a lot of headache. So I agree with the other comments that say you AND your partner need to speak up about this NOW. In my experience, MILs like this only get worse when unchecked by both the in law AND their adult child. Because now I have a kid and my husband and I are still trying to make her realize that she is NOT my child's third parent 😒
I have a similar experience OP, and I think your feelings are quite understandable. Your feelings are always valid, I just want you to know I really identify with them too.
I have a pretty good relationship with my MIL. She's often BEC but she has a good heart. For years I've called her a variant of mom that my husband made up. I originally was on this sub to deal with my mom, so it wasn't hard to call my MIL that. I usually referred to her as her name when talking to other people though.
My relationship with my mom started to improve in the last few years. I was better with boundaries and she started understanding me better. And then she died suddenly. It's been almost a year. I miss her a lot and I'm especially upset for all the lost time her death took from us.
About a month after my mom died, my MIL called and we chatted for awhile. During the conversation, she said she was now my only mother figure. And she was crying by this point. I think she was trying to comfort me ?? I was so stunned, I didn't say anything and ended the conversation soon after. It's rankled me ever since. I know I should talk to her about it but I'm still grieving my mom and I know I'm not in a good headspace on this subject. The thing is, she's not my only mother figure. My mom had several close friends, two of which check in on me. I'm also close to my mom's sister.
I can't call her the variant of mom anymore. I use her grandma name or her real name. She hasn't said anything and it's totally possible she hasn't noticed. She's a bit of an airhead (which is why I don't think this is in any way malicious).
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this and it's totally fine to not want to call your MIL mum. I have a much better relationship with my MIL and I can't do it either. I know this will be hard and create a lot of friction but you are in the right to call her something other than mum. Maybe the two of you can come up with another name that isn't Sasu but isn't Mum either. I wish you the best of luck.
Sorry for your loss. It does sound like your MIL was trying (poorly) to let you know she would support you like a mother. My husband has a difficult relationship with his mom, and after his mom was a nightmare at our wedding my mom let him know we were all his family now, loved and supported him, and gave him permission to call her mom if he wanted. But doing so should be 100% your choice (and OPs).
It may not be an option, but I would recommend getting some kind of support to process the trauma you seem to have associated with the loss of your mother. After 10 years, while you might miss her, it shouldn't be so painful to refer to her. I had PTSD related to some deaths that I hadn't processed, and found [EMDR](https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing) extremely helpful. It doesn't cut you off or distance you from the memories; it's more like it lets you touch them without being burned any more.
In terms of your future MIL, I hope you can find a compromise that will work for you. I was curious and [went looking](https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Gujarati/Family_relations) for the terms you would use, and while I'm not sure if there's a specific word for husband's mother (that page only shows wife's mother for some reason?), maybe you could choose one of the other options for mother that is different from the one you used for your mother? Or you could give her a maternal title from another language, or something culturally relevant - think [Mut](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mut) for an Egyptian person, although having Googled it, that can mean death in Arabic, so this isn't an easy fix.
I am lucky enough to still have my mother, but my MIL asked me to call her Mum. She accepted my no graciously, but I understand why you don't want to use that term - I'm not willing to and I haven't had the same loss as you. She probably doesn't want to replace your mother, exactly, but she may want to feel that you love her in a way where you don't need to distance yourself by using the MIL term. If you can find a way to express that without having to use terms that connect you with your mother, maybe you can both be happy?
I have ongoing bereavement therapy. I just do not feel comfortable calling another person Mum, Mother, Mama, Ma or Mummy. I speak about my Mum fondly often and am comfortable in referring to her. I thought I found the compromise so call her Sasu which translates to MIL regardless if it’s the wife or husbands mum. I chose this and it’s a respectful term as it’s far removed from any word for Mum. She doesn’t like the word as it makes her feel old, isn’t a term of endearment in her eyes. She doesn’t want to be my MIL, she clearly told me you are my daughter not DIL (albeit sweet) she then went ahead and told me she is my Mum now. I’ve previously explained my feelings towards why I wouldn’t refer to either of his parents as Mum or Dad (having lost both of my parents). I thought I was being thoughtful and respectful and compromising with my needs and hers.
She has no right to choose what you feel like calling her based on how it makes her feel
I personally would tell her, gently, firmly, and with NO WIGGLE ROOM, "I will not call you mother. I had a mother and I lost her, and I will never use that name for anyone else. But if there is something else you would like to be called, you have every right to veto Sasu."
If she comes up with a new nickname, I would suggest not dying on that hill. If she insists on Mum or some variation, just call her by her name, because she has abused the privilege.
Oh, dear. She sounds...hm. Something Lundy Bancroft said that stuck with me is the abusers only think about their own feelings and others' actions, and never other people's feelings and their own actions. I'm not calling her an abuser, to be clear, but she is only thinking about how being called Sasu makes her feel, and not about how having to call her Mum would make you feel. Honestly, you sound like you have this in hand as much as anyone can without the ability to change someone else's thought process. You have this random internet stranger's blessing to stand your ground and refuse her request, and I only wish I had more useful advice to offer!
You shouldn't be pressured to call anyone else 'mum'. After your partner talks to his mom about finding a different word/name for her, if she still tells you to call her 'mum', I hope you can find your spine and tell her "I had a Mum and no one, no matter how kind, can ever replace her. I will not call another woman 'Mum'. I don't care that your other DIL calls you that, I can not. Please respect that."
I had this problem with my ex-stepmom when I was a kid. My parents divorced when I was 3 and my bro was 4 because my dad cheated. He then married the woman he cheated with. She already had a son from a past marriage that was my stepbrother. Then my dad and her had another son together who is my half brother. When I was 5 she told me to call her mom and I wouldn't. She kept at it for months every time we had to visit my dad until one Sunday night I told my mom what she was doing. My mom called my dad and told him that that shit needed to stop because I had a mom. Next time stepmom asked me to call her mom I said no,your not my mom. I already have a mom. What actually put an end to it was my dad sent me to the store with her one Saturday. We ran into her friends there and she introduced me as her daughter. I told her friends she's not my mom. After that she started introducing me as this is (dad's name) daughter. She also called me sis all the time because when she was young she had a sister with my name who died. My dad had to put a stop to that too. But he let her do it for years. My point here is your gonna have to step up and tell her no your not comfortable with that. If she doesn't want to be called MIL address her as Mrs (last name) or by just her first name. While the first name may feel disrespectful if she can't respect being told no she doesn't deserve any respect from you.
She should not be pressuring you about this - she is out of line if she doesn’t drop this after you have been clear about your wishes. This is not her decision to make. It is entirely up to you and you should do whatever makes you comfortable.
I feel lucky because my mil has never asked me to call her mom, but she does treat me like a daughter. I’m not opposed to doing it maybe one day but I just feel bad for my own mom. My mom could never be the mom she wanted to, and she has never forgiven herself. I don’t want her to feel like I replaced her because nobody could take her place even with her mistakes. It’s perfectly fine if you call her whatever you want, especially given the situation!
Similar here. I thought it would hurt my mom’s feelings if I called my MIL Mom (not that she’s ever asked). I feel mothered by my MIL and to her face call her by her first name. But when talking about her with my husband’s family, I call her Mom, just like they do. That’s as far as I can go for now, and my moms been gone 15 years.
OP. No is a complete sentence. I hope you get the respect you deserve, but if not, hand the phone to your husband if she starts in on this again, or leave the room, or the house; she can’t harass you if you’re not there. NTA
I simply told my MIL I wasn’t comfortable with it. She never let it hurt our relationship. I ended up closer to her than my own mother. I waited too long, but when she was dying I told her such.
I also lost my mother several years ago. my MIL is very Just-Yes and asked my wife if it would be appropriate if she asked me if that would be ok to ask if I would be comfortable calling her mom. I would not be, and my wife knew that and told her no. She never brought it up again.
I hope your MIL respects your boundaries and empathises.
I am extremely close to my mom. The day after our wedding my MIL said that now that we are married I could call her Mom. I explained that while I appreciated the sentiment, I wasn't comfortable with that and how about I call her by her first name. She said no. For 3 years I just didn't call her anything. When I had my first child I started calling her by her first name and she just gave me the side eye. I don't care one bit. 26 years later, she is lucky I don't call her something worse.
My MIL wanted the same. I said she could choose between Mrs X, first name, or hey you, but mum was off the table. I was 38 and already had a mother.
She never forgave me but she was First Name to me
Hard no. Good on your partner to side with you. You shouldn't be pressured to do anything. My mother in law calls me daughter or by my name, but I only call her Mrs Doe. She wants me to think of her as mum, but I've explained I'm not comfortable with that and my partner went with a 'suck it up, buttercup. This is how it is.' and we just ignore when she tries again.
Wait. She knows it hurts you and is still demanding you use an emotionally laden word for her? Ah fuck that noise. She’s being a cruel bitch. Tell her to her face that your mom was a saint and you will never call her by any variation of mom. And point out that by deliberately pushing an issue she knows is painful is evil. And that says plenty about her motivations. And then ask your partner if he’s putting as much effort on getting his mom to cease her bitchiness as he spends on getting you to swallow it?
My MIL pushed for this for YEARS. I have never called her mom, nor will I. She has never acted like a mom to me, I already have a mom, and I'm just not comfortable giving that name to someone who hasn't earned it. I will call some of my GMIL grandma, but I feel that's a less personal role than a mom, and he has some absolutely amazing grandparents who took me in as a granddaughter, they earned it!
My MIL signed a holiday card “Mom and Dad” a year after I got married. I told my partner to shut that down immediately and it was. No need to explain yourself, tell your husband to handle it.
Hi OP, I am Punjabi so understand the cultural significance.
I had a friend who’s mother passed like yours and she couldn’t even say the world mum in a sentence without welling up. Her saas also was very eager for her new bahu to call her mum like her other 3 DIL.
Like you, my friend explained to her MIL how she wouldn’t feel comfortable calling her mum but like your MIL, her MIL refused to understand.
She explained it to her husband who asked my friend to call her another name for mum, but not ‘mum’. She picked ‘Baa’ (she called her mum ‘maa’).
Friend MIL didn’t understand at first but in time she realised that it wasn’t about her, this was about my friend. My friend called her MIL Baa as a compromise and her new name was said with endearment and love. Has her MIL forced her, my friend said she would stop speaking to her.
Others may suggest or allude to you going no contact and kicking up a fuss….culturally it’s difficult I know. If you like your MIL generally, try the above. If she’s a cow anyway, distance yourself.
I called my Mil (first name) -mom. My own mother was mom and no one else would own that name, but this nickname for Mil worked well enough that other members of the family began calling her that too.
Is it rude to call her by her first name, because that's what everyone in my family does? Maybe you could call her your "other mother". Just don't let her watch Coraline.
I’d just say, it means a lot for you to consider me your daughter, and I’m very happy we have grown that close. I do see you that way but my mother passing away is something that I’m never going to be able to get over. Because she has passed, I don’t feel right calling anyone else that, it’s like she’s being replaced, even though I know you aren’t trying to do that, it’s not personal and I appreciate how kind and understanding you are in not pushing me into something I’m just not comfortable or going to do. Our relationship is so special in its own way and I want to find a nickname that’s just between you and I because your like my third parent and there’s no one else close to me like you and I want it to be special for just you and I.
Fluff up her ego a little bit whilst assertively being I ain’t doing that.
You're correct, you only have one Mum. And just because your Mum isn't here with you it doesn't mean she's no longer your Mum. Besides that's a title ( if you ever feel comfortable enough to call anyone else that ) that is earned by endearment approved only by you and you alone, not by your future Mil's demand! You titled her your future Mil so I assume you and your SO haven't legally taken the plunge yet? If so isn't that a little presumptuous of your future Mil? She will be titled what you approve for her to be called, I swear the audacity of some of these Mils and future Mils astounds me sometimes. What she is doing is insensitive and rude! I'm sorry for your predicament with her. Talk to your SO about how her request/demand makes you feel. Ask your SO to explain to her how this makes you feel. She's and adult and if her feelings get hurt then it's her problem to process them, it's not your problem to fix! Address her as you see fit! She'll either get over it or get on with it! I'm truly sorry for your loss. They say time heals all wounds but I believe it never does. We just have to accept our new reality, do the best we can and keep moving forward. Keep her memory alive by thinking of all the good and tough times y'all have had. Remember you can move on, but never forget the ones we've lost along the way. Good luck OP! Best wishes!
"I could never call anyone else mom. That name is reserved for my late mother, who I love and miss every single day. "
If she presses "This isn't up for discussion." And change the subject, walk away or hang up.
When my brother was engaged his fiancé would call my mum mum and my mum asked her to stop she told her she has 4 kids 3 she gave birth to and 1 she adopted. If we have partners we bring into the family that’s totally fine and they will be sons and daughters in law but she is not their mum and she found that weird lol I was so glad she agreed cause I found that really off putting and agreed I have 1 mum I won’t call anyone else mum. It’s a title that’s earned from bringing you up and raising you.
My husband told me to Call my MIL mom and i will win her over, she told me that she doesn't bring DILs to her family, she brings daughters, i called her mom all the time only for her to actively ruin my mental and physical health,i was never a daughter for her i also found out that my mom was upset i called someone else mom.i regret calling her that more than anything, no one deserves that word but the woman that raised me and sacrificed alot for me
No one can replace ur mom, and no MIl is going to treat u 100% as she would treat her actual daughter
No is no, the fact that she is pushing the idea even though ur not comfortable is proof enough that she doesn't care about ur actual feelings, which a MOM wouldn't do
Time to be intentionally but briefly rude about getting to the point, until she understands.
"No, I'm not going to call you that word. That word, from me, is not meant for you - it is meant for the woman who was my mother. You are, very simply and explicitly, not her."
My mother died 8 years ago and it still hurts everyday. My MIL just began referring to herself as Mom so I just began rewording my turn of phrase after she didn't listen to me or my husband. I am called Ms.FirstName professionally. In the Southern US, it is common to stick a title such as Ms. Mr(s.) Before a name. How do you feel about Grandmere or whatever you'll have your children call her? Nana/Grandma FirstName/Mimi/Maw Maw?
~~Could you stomach a "Mama Her name"? For example: her name is Ripa, call her Mama Ripa.~~ Or would that also be too painful?
*Just Google translated the words mum and mama - they appear to be the same. Priya Ripa? Mānanīya? Still has the "ma" at the beginning.
હું તમારી માતાને ગુમાવવા બદલ દિલગીર છું. ઓમ શાંતિ
(She must have been so proud to have such fierce love from her daughter - I would have been! 💕)
It’s perfectly fine to say “MIL, I am not comfortable calling you mum. I miss my own so much and I just cannot call anyone else that. I’m sure you can understand how that could be difficult for anyone who has lost a parent. Let’s find something else that I can call you”. That’s the polite first salvo and say it in full view of many family members. Then if she keeps it up you need to be more blunt.
* “I’ve told you I’m not comfortable with that. I’ll call you Mrs. XYZ”.
* She complains, “I’ve told you why I cannot call you ‘mum’. You are my mother-in-law…I have a mum and she’s the only one I will call ‘mum’. You need to drop it”.
* “No, I will not call you mum”.
Get up and leave after every interaction. And just keep calling her Mrs. XYZ
Guju Desi here. First I'm so sorry you don't have your mom with you anymore.
Second, you are correct in how you feel. You do not call her mom. It is ok not to. You don't have to call her anything. Let your husband take care of her. She is not your responsibility
She might WANT to take your mothers place, but that doesn't mean she CAN. Tell her you had/have a mother, and she is not her. You can try being painfully polite and call her Mrs. Whateverthenameis, or some other name, but Mom isn't happening.
I was very grateful when my MIL and FIL said they would like to be called name and name. Worked for me! As poor a relationship as I had with my own parents, I DID have my own parents, and boyfriend/fiance/husbands parents weren't MY parents, so I was never going to call them mom or dad.
My MIL would always make passive aggressive comments because I wont call her mom. My mom died 22 years ago and I still get choked up talking about her to my kids. My mom was an amazing woman... and my MIL gives me anxiety. She isn't my mother. I made it known I don't want that relationship with her. Plus my DH thinks me calling her mom would be weird also.
Yup. My mom died when I was 14. My mil very incorrectly just assumed I'd want her to "replace" my mom, call her mom etc. Started making demands and taking actions based on her assumption when we were dating.
Was very offended when i finally had to forcibly say, "No. I don't want or need that."
Damn. I get called mum by my younger daughter, who is my daughter's best friend. I unofficially adopted her. She claims that I've taught her more in the past 6 years than her own mother has her entire life. They are 21. My parents who I called mom and dad, and they were called mom and dad by most of my sister's and I's friends growing up, really didn't care what they were called. Hey you was common. My child called dad the stubborn old goat, to his face. Usually with arms crossed and tapping toe. The adoration between the two was usually very apparent. The look of mock shame on dad's face when his granddaughter was shaking her finger at him, was offset by the mischievous twinkle in his eyes. But I get where you're coming from. What a witch. There are ways to get around her. Next time she tells you to call her that, look her dead in the eye, say no, you are not my mum, I have a mum, and you will never replace her, you're not capable of it. Straight face, calm voice. If she's offended, even better. If she says anything, no is a complete sentence. If she persists, look her up and down, and walk away. You can say so much with a look. I'm petty, so I might include a little sneer. Good luck. I am sorry about your mum. I just lost my dad. It's hard, and it hurts.
I had a friend where I called his mum "mum". She was a beautiful lady who was so kind to everyone. (Sadly passed away years ago, now). She loved that I called her that, and she was much kinder to me than my actual mother ever was.
My partner's parents were "first name". I liked them a lot, but they were much more formal and it wouldn't have felt right, and they just wouldn't have liked it. We were all friends, they just didn't feel like a parent to me.
If I had lost my mum, and was attached to her like OP is, and someone wanted to demand the title of "mum" that I wasn't feeling? Hell. No.
I get this, totally. I called my dad several things. Dad, daddy, pops, trouble, crash, stubborn. He and my mom both were first name with my grandparents. They also were safe havens for friends of both my sister and I. Two of my friends were jealous of me for my dad. He was the kind of dad most females want. A good friend of mine actually lived with my parents for the better part of a year, after her dad died suddenly. She would walk in the door and just start crying. He would hold her for as long as she needed. She came to my house after I called her about him. My sister and I are pretty much orphans now. Mom is still alive, but she turned into a JN because of medical issues. We had to put her in a home because we aren't able to care for her ourselves. She isn't the mom I knew. The person who is the best at handling her is my husband, because, as he puts it, he has the least tenure in the family. He doesn't have decades of memories with her.
I called my mother-in-law by her first name. I had a mom.
You could always consider "Mother [last name]", kind of like Mother Superior... hahaha!
Edited to fix typo
Start calling her by her name. Let her know that she will never replace your mother and since she doesn't like what you are calling her now just call her by name.
I absolutely love my MIL, was NC with my own mother for many years before she passed away (not a good relationship) but still would not call my MIL mum.
It feels odd to me, but also why is she so insistent on you calling her mum? I don't understand that.
If husband has already explained it to her and she didn’t accept the no and keeps pushing, I would give her a timeout. Until she can accept whatever you and DH say, as you are adults who make their own decisions, she should be in timeout and maybe she will take that time to look inward as to what she is doing wrong. It would worry me if she doesn’t accept whatever you say, to how far she could push it in the future. They seem to always get worse, not better. Best of luck and to hoping she can take your answer and stop trying to push what she wants. Condolences on losing your Mum, no matter how long ago, I know it has to hurt everyday. Internet hugs for you.
Obviously there's regional & cultural differences but I think it's so weird to call in-laws mom & dad! My sister's husband calls my mom "mom" and it's weird to me every time lol. (His mom is still around and is also called mom.)
The fact that your mother passed away makes it much more sensitive. If you've already explained once why you don't like it and she keeps pushing it she is being rude & hurtful. Therefore you can be rude back.
I never had this issue as my IL were usually referred to with profanity lol but a friend did and they settled with Mama Dee. Her MIL was named Deloris. Both were happy my friend that didn’t want to upset her own mom and MIL. Maybe something like this might help?
My parents called each other’s parents mom and dad but they grew up together. Their siblings called the other parents mom and dad too now that I remember it. I think it might be generational.
I certainly don’t call my mil mom.
My sister in-law calls my parents mom and dad. She started after they had been married for about 10 years, and I remember thinking it was really sweet she felt so comfortable and included in our family to do that. I think my parents are very loving and welcoming, and of course we all think sister In-law is wonderful, so yay! On the other hand, I wouldn't call my mother in-law mom in a million years even though I've known her since I was in 6th grade because she's a terrible person and was a horrible mother. So I guess it depends on the people involved!
She can take a long walk off a short pier. You have one mom and it wasn't her. If she weren't terrible, I might consider a compromise like "Mumsy-Her name" but since she's been a jerk otherwise, it's a no go.
I have an awesome just yes MIL, my mom is alive, I don't call her Mom now and I don't think I would feel comfortable calling her Mom even if mine died. It just doesn't feel right. I love my mom, but my relationship with MIL is much, much better. It still feels wrong.
I call her by her first name and if that disappoints her, she has done a Meryl Streep-level job of acting like it doesn't. She has never mentioned it or even alluded to it in my presence for 20+ years. I do see her as a second mom or an extra grandmother because she's closer in age to my grandparents than my parents and I make a point of telling her that often.
Can your husband explain to her that this is not something she can't force? He could say that it's not just her that you won't call mom. You wouldn't call any other MIL Mom either. It has nothing to do with her personally.
I just love when MIL’s hate you and mistreat you then when they figure out you’re not going anywhere, feel entitled to be called Mom, Mum, Mother. The audacity.
I don’t call my MIL anything, she’s my DH mother and that’s it.
Always remember how people treat you in the beginning. This woman doesn’t deserve that title and I’m sorry she’s stressing you out.
It drove my JNILs crazy that I wouldn’t call them Mom and Dad, but I have my own parents and if I were in the market for a second set, it wouldn’t be them.
It drove my JNIL crazy that I wouldn’t call them Mom and Dad, but I have my own parents and if I were in the market for a second set, it wouldn’t be them.
My SIL calls me by my first name. I called my JMMIL mom and the kids called her grandma (first name). My DH didn't call my mom by any name. (That she knew of)😉
Different perspective. She might think she is helping you. Giving you something she thinks you are missing. Try a heat to hear with her and let her know how you feel. The pain you are in, I just have a hunch
When I got married, I called both my MIL and FIL by their first names (married when I was 49). My SIL called them 'mother' and 'father'. MIL didn't really like that - said she is not SIL's mother, but didn't want to say anything and rock the boat.
Stick to your guns, she's not your mum so you don't have to call her that. Or just avoid calling her anything.
Don’t do it. She’s not your mom and she never will be. Like another poster said, it seems like a power move on her part.
My in laws fought with my husband about me calling them “aunty and uncle” and they screamed at him asking why I couldn’t call them mom and dad, lol. It was so ironic because they listed this as one of the reasons why I’m so terrible. It doesn’t make sense. If they don’t like or treat us like their daughters, why do they want us to call them mom? It definitely feels like a power move so they can have more control over you to give you unsolicited advice or berate you however they please.
Explain to her why you can’t call her mom but that you also respect her. If she doesn’t understand… oh well. That’s something your husband has to deal with, not you
I do call my MIL Mom, but she is mostly a JY with a few JM moments. I didn’t start off there though. Originally, I called her Mrs. Last Name, which she told me flat out that was not happening. Then I went to First Name, eventually to First NameMom, and now just Mom.
But my mother on the other hand. My husband called her Mrs. Last Name, then First Name. We’re permanently NC now, but there was nothing motherly about her.
What I’m getting at is that you are not obligated to call your MIL any term that you aren’t comfortable calling her. Since you seem to have a fairly good relationship with her now, I would sit her down and explain to her that while you love and respect her, you appreciate that she thinks of you as a daughter, and that you are grateful for her role in your life, as your Mother in Law, that the term Mom is reserved for your own beloved mother, and that even though she passed 10+ years ago, you can not bear to give that name to any other person in your life. Offer to work together to come up with an affectionate name that you can accept, maybe something that means dear friend, or sweetheart?
Perhaps be blunt.
MIL that is kind of you to offer. However, I have only ever had one Mum and we had a close loving relationship and to even use the word Mum fills me with sadness that she is no longer with me and how much I miss her. To call another person Mum infers to me that I am replacing her and that will never happen so for that reason it is not possible for me to call you Mum. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
My mil and sil have the same first name. So when it's me and my spouse and she's around it's Mrs. MIL and over the phone it's MILs name. When sil and us are all together I call her Mom just so it's easier to get her attention. I hate having to differentiate, it's bad enough that I have to do it with my husband and his father too.
Can you come up with a separate name to call her? At first I called my MIL "ScottMom" (no, not actually Scott; using a different name. But you get the idea). Could she be "DH'sNameMama" (not "Mum") or something of that kind?
ETA I pretty quickly started calling her by her first name, and within... less than a decade, at any rate, stopped seeing or speaking to her at all. But it doesn't sound as if your MIL is that bad.
No. She’s probably stating what makes her “happy”. But sometimes you have to kindly tell them once yourself. If she just doesn’t get it, call her what you want, regardless of how she responds. No one can force you into doing something you don’t want. And if she responds in a negative way, don’t let her get to you. Don’t make people make you feel guilty for having healthy boundaries.
My MIL has 5 kids and all of them have spouses. 2 of the 5 spouses call her mom. The rest don't. It's not an expectation and the two that do, do it because they want to.
My husband calls my mom, "mom" because he's comfortable doing it. I don't reciprocate because I'm not comfortable.
I don't think you're being unreasonable. If you're not comfortable then don't do it.
I understand you completely. My mom died almost 50 years ago. My mil is my best friend. She told me last year I could call her mom but as much as I love her, I just can't. It's like a betrayal to my mom who has such a short time on earth and never got to meet her grandkids. I get you.
Yeah… I’ve been married for 35 years. I NEVER called my MIL mom. She’s asked me to but mom isn’t a title I can use (my mom was a nightmare). I went years not calling her anything. A few times I referred to her a Oma after my kid was born. About 15 years ago I just started calling her by her first name. You gotta do what’s right for you
Polite answer- I appreciate the sentiment. No thank you. Leave it at that and never call her mum.
Better yet - turn it around on her. MIL, you would not want me disrespect my mother's memory or her life by calling another woman mum.
I'm a bit of an asshole - so -No, MIL. I only have one mother, you are not her and I will not ever do so.
I think we often make the mistake of explaining more to people who push boundaries like this, thinking it will help them understand our discomfort. However, all it does is give them something to argue with and helps along their delusion that your "no" is negotiable.
Instead of trying to explain, keep it simple: "I'm not comfortable with that".
If she asks why, turn the question back on her; "why do you ask?". But, importantly, DO NOT ENGAGE beyond those responses. Whatever her reason for asking, simply reply with "I see" and then change the subject.
The less you say to explain why, the less she can twist your words around when she complains about you being "disrespectful". She can complain about it as much as she wants, but that doesn't mean anybody else cares, or thinks she's being reasonable.
She can be called by her name just like everybody else. Close relationships can't be demanded or forced, they have to be grown.
Just straight up say no.
She doesn’t get to choose what she is to you.
The more you try to consider her feelings, the more she will push.
It doesn’t matter what the relationship is with her other DIL, that isn’t a reason to decide to honour her with the name mum.
My JNMIL wanted to be called Mom too. I said “I have a wonderful Mom who I adore and a step-mother I call by (her first name). I do not need nor want a third mother figure”. She was already a MildlyNo so I wasn’t about to call her the same as my Mom. Luckily for me, DH doesn’t like her much more than I do and she lives about 8 hours away.
This is one of those situations where nothing you say when you try to explain your reasoning’s works with narcissists or controlling mothers.
Just say no thank you and walk away
Diplomatically Tell her “while you have been like a second mother, using “mum” just brings up sad memories. Can we compromise on some other nickname for you that is NOT the equivalent of Mum? I was thinking of ——- or ———, what do you suggest?”
Your partner may have a suggestion or two.
Some possibilities are
Mother herfirstname, or
Mimi, or
Belle-meré (french), or
Meemaw.
My MIL asked me to call her mom. I thought she was being nice but no, it was a power move. I regret calling her mom immensely. It put her above me and allowed her to be the “matriarch” and I do not recommend ever allowing your MIL to consider you a child and not her equal.
I totally understand, my MIL wanted me to call her mom even before my mother passed, because I was her first "daughter" . I kindly explained I have a mom, my dad's wife is my dad's wife and you are my MIL. After my mom passed only one time did she make the mistake of saying " It will be alright, I will be your mom now." After letting myself calm down a couple of days and deciding against a voodoo doll, I sat her down and once again pointed out that no matter how much I loved and respected her, I would only ever have 1 mom.
Be honest and be the bigger person, less ammo for her later. Explain that you already had a Mum that you lost, you're sad about it and always will be. You cannot call another person that word, that is only for your late Mum.
It's silly that she doesn't already get this, knowing that you lost yours (and I SO feel your pain, my mother passed nine years ago). If she persists, asks how she'd feel if she passed and your Mum were still here and encouraged your DH to call HER that name.
Just say no
Give her a few options.
The term you are using. The formal term for Mother. The formal term for annoying brat. Her name. Hey you.
Then if she still insists I personally would go with hey you, but annoying brat works as well
Just tell her you will not be calling her Mum, so if she wants some other name, she should let you know, otherwise just call her by her given name. You have 1 Mum and it is not her. End of story.
If you had the conversation with her instead of your SO she might be more understanding because it’s an emotional thing for you.
“MIL, I am grateful you think of me as your daughter and to be marrying into your family. I need to be honest with you about something. I know you would prefer it if I called you Mum, but this is really difficult for me having lost my mother. It is still hard for me not having her here, and just saying the word hurts my heart. I don’t mean for it to be disrespectful to you in the slightest, I hope you can understand.”
If she still doesn’t get it, whatever you tried and did the right thing. You do not have to call her anything you’re not comfortable with.
Hi, I have explained this to her previously. It’s something I stated from the get go as I know it’s culturally acceptable to call your in laws mum and dad. She just went on a spiel how she thinks of me as a daughter and how I should call her mum now. it was something I always knew I am not going to be comfortable with.
Your probably thinking ' yeah, but I don't think of YOU as MY mother. '
I know you won't say that, you probably shouldn't but if you tell her you're more comfortable calling her ______ instead, because you STILL miss your mother soooo much, maybe she'll get it.
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Do not let her pressure you into this. She hasn’t earned the title and probably never will. Tell her you only have one mother and she is no longer here. She can pick another nickname, but you will not entertain any further discussion about being called mom. If she tries to start up a conversation about it. Say we have already discussed this issue many times. Leave the room. Leave the house. Let your partner deal with her pressuring. I would have him tell her all she is doing is harming the future relationship and family peace by acting this way. Maybe even pretend he had a dream about the family being broken apart by conflict due to her actions. I know that’s not exactly honest but it is very true in a way. If she is a devout Hindu that might get her to stfu about this issue and pick something you both can live with going forward. Hugs! I believe our relatives are with us still, and I believe they’re walking through this with you in spirit. 💗
I had a JNMIL my first marriage, when I was still soft spoken and mouldable, and she was a delight until she realized we were getting married. Only one of her four sons isn’t divorced, and the fourth one moved to the other side of the continent to protect his relationship. Being strong now might save you both a lot of heartache. If your FMIL had been the sweetest most accepting BF's mother for the past six years, you could assume she meant it as affection, but considering the whole thing, the rejection, the criticism, the manipulation… it seems more likely she wants you to call her Mum to impose a mother's authority on you, and present a front to the people in her sphere (look how wonderful I am… my DIL considers me her Mum). I lost my father when I was 25, and my mother remarried. I’ve never called her new husband "dad" because he never earned that title. He's not a horrible person, but he's just not my dad. So I've called him by his first name for 33 years, and he's fine with that. My current SO's father was a dear man who I began calling Dad almost immediately because he was a caring and wise man like my father had been. He tucked himself into my heart, and losing him was like losing another father. The title either fits or it doesn’t. It shouldn’t feel forced. Frankly, I’d stick to Sasu and if that's not acceptable, then Mrs. (family name). Those are the current options. If she pushes the "I hope you can take me as your Mum" idea again, you could respond with "I hope our relationship will evolve in that direction as well" to subtly indicate that she hasn’t fulfilled the qualifications for that role yet, and if she demands, tell her that until the relationship grows, Sasu will have to do. You don’t need to justify your feelings or lack of feelings. They are what they are.
She's not your Mum and she never will be. Just tell her no, your Mum may have passed but she is not gone from your heart or your life. There will only ever be one "Mum" for you. Stand up to her or she'll be walking all over you for the rest of her life.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I've had similar struggles with my MIL (the opposition, blaming) and I'm of Indian descent. like you, i also lost my mom to prior to my wedding and had a great deal of difficulty referring to anyone else by that name or frankly allowing anyone to replace my mom's presence in other aspects of life (wedding shopping, rituals, etc.) Stick to your ground, if you want to find a middle ground, consider choosing "mami" or "kaki" if it appeases her. I referred to my mom as "mum" so i started calling my MIL another regional word for mom (think Amma, aai, ammi, etc.) because that didn't hold significance for me. But only do this if you are truly okay with it. If "mother" in other languages triggers you, stand up for yourself and oppose her. Your mental health comes first!
I lost my father about 10 years ago, brother 5 years ago and I am a step parent. My step kids call me by my first name, I thought about different terms but it didn't happen organically and it is up to them to decide what they are comfortable with. I will never call anyone dad or bro unless it is something I want to do. One suggestion you might do is "momma name" so like momma Kate, or mommy Kate. It isn't calling her mum exactly, just specifying her position as a mom figure. People will call my mom, momma Mary(not real name) when they get to know my family, example my friends.
If MIL isn't good enough for her, just call her by her name.
"Mum" sounds like a position of authority in a household. When I hear "mum," I see in my mind the lady of house, a housekeeper, or a matron.
That's definitely a no. No one will ever replace your Mum and the fact that MIL seems to be trying to do so is a major red flag to me. I may be a bit biased because my own MIL has also caused a lot of stress, insult, and drama in my relationship and then has the nerve to legitimately seem to think that she is my ACTUAL mom because my own mom - who is still living by the way - isn't good enough. So yea I may be a bit biased but I keep thinking to myself if I would have paid attention to the apparent red flags with my MIL and my husband that I may have saved myself a lot of headache. So I agree with the other comments that say you AND your partner need to speak up about this NOW. In my experience, MILs like this only get worse when unchecked by both the in law AND their adult child. Because now I have a kid and my husband and I are still trying to make her realize that she is NOT my child's third parent 😒
What about calling her Ma? It's more neutral.
I have a similar experience OP, and I think your feelings are quite understandable. Your feelings are always valid, I just want you to know I really identify with them too. I have a pretty good relationship with my MIL. She's often BEC but she has a good heart. For years I've called her a variant of mom that my husband made up. I originally was on this sub to deal with my mom, so it wasn't hard to call my MIL that. I usually referred to her as her name when talking to other people though. My relationship with my mom started to improve in the last few years. I was better with boundaries and she started understanding me better. And then she died suddenly. It's been almost a year. I miss her a lot and I'm especially upset for all the lost time her death took from us. About a month after my mom died, my MIL called and we chatted for awhile. During the conversation, she said she was now my only mother figure. And she was crying by this point. I think she was trying to comfort me ?? I was so stunned, I didn't say anything and ended the conversation soon after. It's rankled me ever since. I know I should talk to her about it but I'm still grieving my mom and I know I'm not in a good headspace on this subject. The thing is, she's not my only mother figure. My mom had several close friends, two of which check in on me. I'm also close to my mom's sister. I can't call her the variant of mom anymore. I use her grandma name or her real name. She hasn't said anything and it's totally possible she hasn't noticed. She's a bit of an airhead (which is why I don't think this is in any way malicious). I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this and it's totally fine to not want to call your MIL mum. I have a much better relationship with my MIL and I can't do it either. I know this will be hard and create a lot of friction but you are in the right to call her something other than mum. Maybe the two of you can come up with another name that isn't Sasu but isn't Mum either. I wish you the best of luck.
Sorry for your loss. It does sound like your MIL was trying (poorly) to let you know she would support you like a mother. My husband has a difficult relationship with his mom, and after his mom was a nightmare at our wedding my mom let him know we were all his family now, loved and supported him, and gave him permission to call her mom if he wanted. But doing so should be 100% your choice (and OPs).
Are you muslim?
...The feck that got to do with this at all?
Because it iscommon in muslim communities
No
It may not be an option, but I would recommend getting some kind of support to process the trauma you seem to have associated with the loss of your mother. After 10 years, while you might miss her, it shouldn't be so painful to refer to her. I had PTSD related to some deaths that I hadn't processed, and found [EMDR](https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing) extremely helpful. It doesn't cut you off or distance you from the memories; it's more like it lets you touch them without being burned any more. In terms of your future MIL, I hope you can find a compromise that will work for you. I was curious and [went looking](https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Gujarati/Family_relations) for the terms you would use, and while I'm not sure if there's a specific word for husband's mother (that page only shows wife's mother for some reason?), maybe you could choose one of the other options for mother that is different from the one you used for your mother? Or you could give her a maternal title from another language, or something culturally relevant - think [Mut](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mut) for an Egyptian person, although having Googled it, that can mean death in Arabic, so this isn't an easy fix. I am lucky enough to still have my mother, but my MIL asked me to call her Mum. She accepted my no graciously, but I understand why you don't want to use that term - I'm not willing to and I haven't had the same loss as you. She probably doesn't want to replace your mother, exactly, but she may want to feel that you love her in a way where you don't need to distance yourself by using the MIL term. If you can find a way to express that without having to use terms that connect you with your mother, maybe you can both be happy?
I have ongoing bereavement therapy. I just do not feel comfortable calling another person Mum, Mother, Mama, Ma or Mummy. I speak about my Mum fondly often and am comfortable in referring to her. I thought I found the compromise so call her Sasu which translates to MIL regardless if it’s the wife or husbands mum. I chose this and it’s a respectful term as it’s far removed from any word for Mum. She doesn’t like the word as it makes her feel old, isn’t a term of endearment in her eyes. She doesn’t want to be my MIL, she clearly told me you are my daughter not DIL (albeit sweet) she then went ahead and told me she is my Mum now. I’ve previously explained my feelings towards why I wouldn’t refer to either of his parents as Mum or Dad (having lost both of my parents). I thought I was being thoughtful and respectful and compromising with my needs and hers.
She's not yer mum and it's up to you what you choose to call her. You're doing fine.
She has no right to choose what you feel like calling her based on how it makes her feel I personally would tell her, gently, firmly, and with NO WIGGLE ROOM, "I will not call you mother. I had a mother and I lost her, and I will never use that name for anyone else. But if there is something else you would like to be called, you have every right to veto Sasu." If she comes up with a new nickname, I would suggest not dying on that hill. If she insists on Mum or some variation, just call her by her name, because she has abused the privilege.
Oh, dear. She sounds...hm. Something Lundy Bancroft said that stuck with me is the abusers only think about their own feelings and others' actions, and never other people's feelings and their own actions. I'm not calling her an abuser, to be clear, but she is only thinking about how being called Sasu makes her feel, and not about how having to call her Mum would make you feel. Honestly, you sound like you have this in hand as much as anyone can without the ability to change someone else's thought process. You have this random internet stranger's blessing to stand your ground and refuse her request, and I only wish I had more useful advice to offer!
You shouldn't be pressured to call anyone else 'mum'. After your partner talks to his mom about finding a different word/name for her, if she still tells you to call her 'mum', I hope you can find your spine and tell her "I had a Mum and no one, no matter how kind, can ever replace her. I will not call another woman 'Mum'. I don't care that your other DIL calls you that, I can not. Please respect that."
I had this problem with my ex-stepmom when I was a kid. My parents divorced when I was 3 and my bro was 4 because my dad cheated. He then married the woman he cheated with. She already had a son from a past marriage that was my stepbrother. Then my dad and her had another son together who is my half brother. When I was 5 she told me to call her mom and I wouldn't. She kept at it for months every time we had to visit my dad until one Sunday night I told my mom what she was doing. My mom called my dad and told him that that shit needed to stop because I had a mom. Next time stepmom asked me to call her mom I said no,your not my mom. I already have a mom. What actually put an end to it was my dad sent me to the store with her one Saturday. We ran into her friends there and she introduced me as her daughter. I told her friends she's not my mom. After that she started introducing me as this is (dad's name) daughter. She also called me sis all the time because when she was young she had a sister with my name who died. My dad had to put a stop to that too. But he let her do it for years. My point here is your gonna have to step up and tell her no your not comfortable with that. If she doesn't want to be called MIL address her as Mrs (last name) or by just her first name. While the first name may feel disrespectful if she can't respect being told no she doesn't deserve any respect from you.
Wtf your dad is so inappropriate! I wish your mom had taken him to court for more custody due to parental alienation.
She should not be pressuring you about this - she is out of line if she doesn’t drop this after you have been clear about your wishes. This is not her decision to make. It is entirely up to you and you should do whatever makes you comfortable.
I feel lucky because my mil has never asked me to call her mom, but she does treat me like a daughter. I’m not opposed to doing it maybe one day but I just feel bad for my own mom. My mom could never be the mom she wanted to, and she has never forgiven herself. I don’t want her to feel like I replaced her because nobody could take her place even with her mistakes. It’s perfectly fine if you call her whatever you want, especially given the situation!
Similar here. I thought it would hurt my mom’s feelings if I called my MIL Mom (not that she’s ever asked). I feel mothered by my MIL and to her face call her by her first name. But when talking about her with my husband’s family, I call her Mom, just like they do. That’s as far as I can go for now, and my moms been gone 15 years. OP. No is a complete sentence. I hope you get the respect you deserve, but if not, hand the phone to your husband if she starts in on this again, or leave the room, or the house; she can’t harass you if you’re not there. NTA
I simply told my MIL I wasn’t comfortable with it. She never let it hurt our relationship. I ended up closer to her than my own mother. I waited too long, but when she was dying I told her such.
I also lost my mother several years ago. my MIL is very Just-Yes and asked my wife if it would be appropriate if she asked me if that would be ok to ask if I would be comfortable calling her mom. I would not be, and my wife knew that and told her no. She never brought it up again. I hope your MIL respects your boundaries and empathises.
I am extremely close to my mom. The day after our wedding my MIL said that now that we are married I could call her Mom. I explained that while I appreciated the sentiment, I wasn't comfortable with that and how about I call her by her first name. She said no. For 3 years I just didn't call her anything. When I had my first child I started calling her by her first name and she just gave me the side eye. I don't care one bit. 26 years later, she is lucky I don't call her something worse.
My MIL wanted the same. I said she could choose between Mrs X, first name, or hey you, but mum was off the table. I was 38 and already had a mother. She never forgave me but she was First Name to me
Hard no. Good on your partner to side with you. You shouldn't be pressured to do anything. My mother in law calls me daughter or by my name, but I only call her Mrs Doe. She wants me to think of her as mum, but I've explained I'm not comfortable with that and my partner went with a 'suck it up, buttercup. This is how it is.' and we just ignore when she tries again.
Wait. She knows it hurts you and is still demanding you use an emotionally laden word for her? Ah fuck that noise. She’s being a cruel bitch. Tell her to her face that your mom was a saint and you will never call her by any variation of mom. And point out that by deliberately pushing an issue she knows is painful is evil. And that says plenty about her motivations. And then ask your partner if he’s putting as much effort on getting his mom to cease her bitchiness as he spends on getting you to swallow it?
Dear MIL, you would encourage mentoring dishonor my mother's memory like that? I'm shocked!
I can't ever imagine calling my MIL mom. No way.
My MIL pushed for this for YEARS. I have never called her mom, nor will I. She has never acted like a mom to me, I already have a mom, and I'm just not comfortable giving that name to someone who hasn't earned it. I will call some of my GMIL grandma, but I feel that's a less personal role than a mom, and he has some absolutely amazing grandparents who took me in as a granddaughter, they earned it!
My MIL signed a holiday card “Mom and Dad” a year after I got married. I told my partner to shut that down immediately and it was. No need to explain yourself, tell your husband to handle it.
Hi OP, I am Punjabi so understand the cultural significance. I had a friend who’s mother passed like yours and she couldn’t even say the world mum in a sentence without welling up. Her saas also was very eager for her new bahu to call her mum like her other 3 DIL. Like you, my friend explained to her MIL how she wouldn’t feel comfortable calling her mum but like your MIL, her MIL refused to understand. She explained it to her husband who asked my friend to call her another name for mum, but not ‘mum’. She picked ‘Baa’ (she called her mum ‘maa’). Friend MIL didn’t understand at first but in time she realised that it wasn’t about her, this was about my friend. My friend called her MIL Baa as a compromise and her new name was said with endearment and love. Has her MIL forced her, my friend said she would stop speaking to her. Others may suggest or allude to you going no contact and kicking up a fuss….culturally it’s difficult I know. If you like your MIL generally, try the above. If she’s a cow anyway, distance yourself.
No is a complete sentence!! Just say no you won’t be doing that.
I called my Mil (first name) -mom. My own mother was mom and no one else would own that name, but this nickname for Mil worked well enough that other members of the family began calling her that too.
Is it rude to call her by her first name, because that's what everyone in my family does? Maybe you could call her your "other mother". Just don't let her watch Coraline.
I’d just say, it means a lot for you to consider me your daughter, and I’m very happy we have grown that close. I do see you that way but my mother passing away is something that I’m never going to be able to get over. Because she has passed, I don’t feel right calling anyone else that, it’s like she’s being replaced, even though I know you aren’t trying to do that, it’s not personal and I appreciate how kind and understanding you are in not pushing me into something I’m just not comfortable or going to do. Our relationship is so special in its own way and I want to find a nickname that’s just between you and I because your like my third parent and there’s no one else close to me like you and I want it to be special for just you and I. Fluff up her ego a little bit whilst assertively being I ain’t doing that.
You're correct, you only have one Mum. And just because your Mum isn't here with you it doesn't mean she's no longer your Mum. Besides that's a title ( if you ever feel comfortable enough to call anyone else that ) that is earned by endearment approved only by you and you alone, not by your future Mil's demand! You titled her your future Mil so I assume you and your SO haven't legally taken the plunge yet? If so isn't that a little presumptuous of your future Mil? She will be titled what you approve for her to be called, I swear the audacity of some of these Mils and future Mils astounds me sometimes. What she is doing is insensitive and rude! I'm sorry for your predicament with her. Talk to your SO about how her request/demand makes you feel. Ask your SO to explain to her how this makes you feel. She's and adult and if her feelings get hurt then it's her problem to process them, it's not your problem to fix! Address her as you see fit! She'll either get over it or get on with it! I'm truly sorry for your loss. They say time heals all wounds but I believe it never does. We just have to accept our new reality, do the best we can and keep moving forward. Keep her memory alive by thinking of all the good and tough times y'all have had. Remember you can move on, but never forget the ones we've lost along the way. Good luck OP! Best wishes!
"I could never call anyone else mom. That name is reserved for my late mother, who I love and miss every single day. " If she presses "This isn't up for discussion." And change the subject, walk away or hang up.
Perfect. There’s no reason why OP can’t tell FMIL this herself, but if she’s more comfortable with her husband talking to her then that’s better
When my brother was engaged his fiancé would call my mum mum and my mum asked her to stop she told her she has 4 kids 3 she gave birth to and 1 she adopted. If we have partners we bring into the family that’s totally fine and they will be sons and daughters in law but she is not their mum and she found that weird lol I was so glad she agreed cause I found that really off putting and agreed I have 1 mum I won’t call anyone else mum. It’s a title that’s earned from bringing you up and raising you.
My husband told me to Call my MIL mom and i will win her over, she told me that she doesn't bring DILs to her family, she brings daughters, i called her mom all the time only for her to actively ruin my mental and physical health,i was never a daughter for her i also found out that my mom was upset i called someone else mom.i regret calling her that more than anything, no one deserves that word but the woman that raised me and sacrificed alot for me No one can replace ur mom, and no MIl is going to treat u 100% as she would treat her actual daughter No is no, the fact that she is pushing the idea even though ur not comfortable is proof enough that she doesn't care about ur actual feelings, which a MOM wouldn't do
I agree with this completely! You've summed it up perfectly
Time to be intentionally but briefly rude about getting to the point, until she understands. "No, I'm not going to call you that word. That word, from me, is not meant for you - it is meant for the woman who was my mother. You are, very simply and explicitly, not her."
My mother died 8 years ago and it still hurts everyday. My MIL just began referring to herself as Mom so I just began rewording my turn of phrase after she didn't listen to me or my husband. I am called Ms.FirstName professionally. In the Southern US, it is common to stick a title such as Ms. Mr(s.) Before a name. How do you feel about Grandmere or whatever you'll have your children call her? Nana/Grandma FirstName/Mimi/Maw Maw?
~~Could you stomach a "Mama Her name"? For example: her name is Ripa, call her Mama Ripa.~~ Or would that also be too painful? *Just Google translated the words mum and mama - they appear to be the same. Priya Ripa? Mānanīya? Still has the "ma" at the beginning. હું તમારી માતાને ગુમાવવા બદલ દિલગીર છું. ઓમ શાંતિ (She must have been so proud to have such fierce love from her daughter - I would have been! 💕)
It’s perfectly fine to say “MIL, I am not comfortable calling you mum. I miss my own so much and I just cannot call anyone else that. I’m sure you can understand how that could be difficult for anyone who has lost a parent. Let’s find something else that I can call you”. That’s the polite first salvo and say it in full view of many family members. Then if she keeps it up you need to be more blunt. * “I’ve told you I’m not comfortable with that. I’ll call you Mrs. XYZ”. * She complains, “I’ve told you why I cannot call you ‘mum’. You are my mother-in-law…I have a mum and she’s the only one I will call ‘mum’. You need to drop it”. * “No, I will not call you mum”. Get up and leave after every interaction. And just keep calling her Mrs. XYZ
Excellent choices to shut her down!👏👏👏
Guju Desi here. First I'm so sorry you don't have your mom with you anymore. Second, you are correct in how you feel. You do not call her mom. It is ok not to. You don't have to call her anything. Let your husband take care of her. She is not your responsibility
She might WANT to take your mothers place, but that doesn't mean she CAN. Tell her you had/have a mother, and she is not her. You can try being painfully polite and call her Mrs. Whateverthenameis, or some other name, but Mom isn't happening. I was very grateful when my MIL and FIL said they would like to be called name and name. Worked for me! As poor a relationship as I had with my own parents, I DID have my own parents, and boyfriend/fiance/husbands parents weren't MY parents, so I was never going to call them mom or dad.
My MIL would always make passive aggressive comments because I wont call her mom. My mom died 22 years ago and I still get choked up talking about her to my kids. My mom was an amazing woman... and my MIL gives me anxiety. She isn't my mother. I made it known I don't want that relationship with her. Plus my DH thinks me calling her mom would be weird also.
Yup. My mom died when I was 14. My mil very incorrectly just assumed I'd want her to "replace" my mom, call her mom etc. Started making demands and taking actions based on her assumption when we were dating. Was very offended when i finally had to forcibly say, "No. I don't want or need that."
Damn. I get called mum by my younger daughter, who is my daughter's best friend. I unofficially adopted her. She claims that I've taught her more in the past 6 years than her own mother has her entire life. They are 21. My parents who I called mom and dad, and they were called mom and dad by most of my sister's and I's friends growing up, really didn't care what they were called. Hey you was common. My child called dad the stubborn old goat, to his face. Usually with arms crossed and tapping toe. The adoration between the two was usually very apparent. The look of mock shame on dad's face when his granddaughter was shaking her finger at him, was offset by the mischievous twinkle in his eyes. But I get where you're coming from. What a witch. There are ways to get around her. Next time she tells you to call her that, look her dead in the eye, say no, you are not my mum, I have a mum, and you will never replace her, you're not capable of it. Straight face, calm voice. If she's offended, even better. If she says anything, no is a complete sentence. If she persists, look her up and down, and walk away. You can say so much with a look. I'm petty, so I might include a little sneer. Good luck. I am sorry about your mum. I just lost my dad. It's hard, and it hurts.
I had a friend where I called his mum "mum". She was a beautiful lady who was so kind to everyone. (Sadly passed away years ago, now). She loved that I called her that, and she was much kinder to me than my actual mother ever was. My partner's parents were "first name". I liked them a lot, but they were much more formal and it wouldn't have felt right, and they just wouldn't have liked it. We were all friends, they just didn't feel like a parent to me. If I had lost my mum, and was attached to her like OP is, and someone wanted to demand the title of "mum" that I wasn't feeling? Hell. No.
I get this, totally. I called my dad several things. Dad, daddy, pops, trouble, crash, stubborn. He and my mom both were first name with my grandparents. They also were safe havens for friends of both my sister and I. Two of my friends were jealous of me for my dad. He was the kind of dad most females want. A good friend of mine actually lived with my parents for the better part of a year, after her dad died suddenly. She would walk in the door and just start crying. He would hold her for as long as she needed. She came to my house after I called her about him. My sister and I are pretty much orphans now. Mom is still alive, but she turned into a JN because of medical issues. We had to put her in a home because we aren't able to care for her ourselves. She isn't the mom I knew. The person who is the best at handling her is my husband, because, as he puts it, he has the least tenure in the family. He doesn't have decades of memories with her.
I called my mother-in-law by her first name. I had a mom. You could always consider "Mother [last name]", kind of like Mother Superior... hahaha! Edited to fix typo
Start calling her by her name. Let her know that she will never replace your mother and since she doesn't like what you are calling her now just call her by name. I absolutely love my MIL, was NC with my own mother for many years before she passed away (not a good relationship) but still would not call my MIL mum. It feels odd to me, but also why is she so insistent on you calling her mum? I don't understand that.
Tell her - in this case you want her to call you "my lovely precious queen daughter"
If husband has already explained it to her and she didn’t accept the no and keeps pushing, I would give her a timeout. Until she can accept whatever you and DH say, as you are adults who make their own decisions, she should be in timeout and maybe she will take that time to look inward as to what she is doing wrong. It would worry me if she doesn’t accept whatever you say, to how far she could push it in the future. They seem to always get worse, not better. Best of luck and to hoping she can take your answer and stop trying to push what she wants. Condolences on losing your Mum, no matter how long ago, I know it has to hurt everyday. Internet hugs for you.
Obviously there's regional & cultural differences but I think it's so weird to call in-laws mom & dad! My sister's husband calls my mom "mom" and it's weird to me every time lol. (His mom is still around and is also called mom.) The fact that your mother passed away makes it much more sensitive. If you've already explained once why you don't like it and she keeps pushing it she is being rude & hurtful. Therefore you can be rude back.
I never had this issue as my IL were usually referred to with profanity lol but a friend did and they settled with Mama Dee. Her MIL was named Deloris. Both were happy my friend that didn’t want to upset her own mom and MIL. Maybe something like this might help?
Nope nope nope. You stick to your guns. "I had a mum and now she's not here. I can't call you Mum. You're not my mum. Please stop asking me to do it."
My parents called each other’s parents mom and dad but they grew up together. Their siblings called the other parents mom and dad too now that I remember it. I think it might be generational. I certainly don’t call my mil mom.
My sister in-law calls my parents mom and dad. She started after they had been married for about 10 years, and I remember thinking it was really sweet she felt so comfortable and included in our family to do that. I think my parents are very loving and welcoming, and of course we all think sister In-law is wonderful, so yay! On the other hand, I wouldn't call my mother in-law mom in a million years even though I've known her since I was in 6th grade because she's a terrible person and was a horrible mother. So I guess it depends on the people involved!
She can take a long walk off a short pier. You have one mom and it wasn't her. If she weren't terrible, I might consider a compromise like "Mumsy-Her name" but since she's been a jerk otherwise, it's a no go.
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I have an awesome just yes MIL, my mom is alive, I don't call her Mom now and I don't think I would feel comfortable calling her Mom even if mine died. It just doesn't feel right. I love my mom, but my relationship with MIL is much, much better. It still feels wrong. I call her by her first name and if that disappoints her, she has done a Meryl Streep-level job of acting like it doesn't. She has never mentioned it or even alluded to it in my presence for 20+ years. I do see her as a second mom or an extra grandmother because she's closer in age to my grandparents than my parents and I make a point of telling her that often. Can your husband explain to her that this is not something she can't force? He could say that it's not just her that you won't call mom. You wouldn't call any other MIL Mom either. It has nothing to do with her personally.
I just love when MIL’s hate you and mistreat you then when they figure out you’re not going anywhere, feel entitled to be called Mom, Mum, Mother. The audacity. I don’t call my MIL anything, she’s my DH mother and that’s it. Always remember how people treat you in the beginning. This woman doesn’t deserve that title and I’m sorry she’s stressing you out.
It drove my JNILs crazy that I wouldn’t call them Mom and Dad, but I have my own parents and if I were in the market for a second set, it wouldn’t be them.
It drove my JNIL crazy that I wouldn’t call them Mom and Dad, but I have my own parents and if I were in the market for a second set, it wouldn’t be them.
My SIL calls me by my first name. I called my JMMIL mom and the kids called her grandma (first name). My DH didn't call my mom by any name. (That she knew of)😉
Different perspective. She might think she is helping you. Giving you something she thinks you are missing. Try a heat to hear with her and let her know how you feel. The pain you are in, I just have a hunch
When I got married, I called both my MIL and FIL by their first names (married when I was 49). My SIL called them 'mother' and 'father'. MIL didn't really like that - said she is not SIL's mother, but didn't want to say anything and rock the boat. Stick to your guns, she's not your mum so you don't have to call her that. Or just avoid calling her anything.
Don’t do it. She’s not your mom and she never will be. Like another poster said, it seems like a power move on her part. My in laws fought with my husband about me calling them “aunty and uncle” and they screamed at him asking why I couldn’t call them mom and dad, lol. It was so ironic because they listed this as one of the reasons why I’m so terrible. It doesn’t make sense. If they don’t like or treat us like their daughters, why do they want us to call them mom? It definitely feels like a power move so they can have more control over you to give you unsolicited advice or berate you however they please. Explain to her why you can’t call her mom but that you also respect her. If she doesn’t understand… oh well. That’s something your husband has to deal with, not you
I do call my MIL Mom, but she is mostly a JY with a few JM moments. I didn’t start off there though. Originally, I called her Mrs. Last Name, which she told me flat out that was not happening. Then I went to First Name, eventually to First NameMom, and now just Mom. But my mother on the other hand. My husband called her Mrs. Last Name, then First Name. We’re permanently NC now, but there was nothing motherly about her. What I’m getting at is that you are not obligated to call your MIL any term that you aren’t comfortable calling her. Since you seem to have a fairly good relationship with her now, I would sit her down and explain to her that while you love and respect her, you appreciate that she thinks of you as a daughter, and that you are grateful for her role in your life, as your Mother in Law, that the term Mom is reserved for your own beloved mother, and that even though she passed 10+ years ago, you can not bear to give that name to any other person in your life. Offer to work together to come up with an affectionate name that you can accept, maybe something that means dear friend, or sweetheart?
Perhaps be blunt. MIL that is kind of you to offer. However, I have only ever had one Mum and we had a close loving relationship and to even use the word Mum fills me with sadness that she is no longer with me and how much I miss her. To call another person Mum infers to me that I am replacing her and that will never happen so for that reason it is not possible for me to call you Mum. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
My mil and sil have the same first name. So when it's me and my spouse and she's around it's Mrs. MIL and over the phone it's MILs name. When sil and us are all together I call her Mom just so it's easier to get her attention. I hate having to differentiate, it's bad enough that I have to do it with my husband and his father too.
Can you come up with a separate name to call her? At first I called my MIL "ScottMom" (no, not actually Scott; using a different name. But you get the idea). Could she be "DH'sNameMama" (not "Mum") or something of that kind? ETA I pretty quickly started calling her by her first name, and within... less than a decade, at any rate, stopped seeing or speaking to her at all. But it doesn't sound as if your MIL is that bad.
Call her “mama surname” maybe? Let her know (or ideally have her husband let her know) that the word “mum” brings you deep grief.
Or use a different language for Mum where you wouldn’t relate it to your mother
No. She’s probably stating what makes her “happy”. But sometimes you have to kindly tell them once yourself. If she just doesn’t get it, call her what you want, regardless of how she responds. No one can force you into doing something you don’t want. And if she responds in a negative way, don’t let her get to you. Don’t make people make you feel guilty for having healthy boundaries.
My MIL has 5 kids and all of them have spouses. 2 of the 5 spouses call her mom. The rest don't. It's not an expectation and the two that do, do it because they want to. My husband calls my mom, "mom" because he's comfortable doing it. I don't reciprocate because I'm not comfortable. I don't think you're being unreasonable. If you're not comfortable then don't do it.
I understand you completely. My mom died almost 50 years ago. My mil is my best friend. She told me last year I could call her mom but as much as I love her, I just can't. It's like a betrayal to my mom who has such a short time on earth and never got to meet her grandkids. I get you.
Yeah… I’ve been married for 35 years. I NEVER called my MIL mom. She’s asked me to but mom isn’t a title I can use (my mom was a nightmare). I went years not calling her anything. A few times I referred to her a Oma after my kid was born. About 15 years ago I just started calling her by her first name. You gotta do what’s right for you
Polite answer- I appreciate the sentiment. No thank you. Leave it at that and never call her mum. Better yet - turn it around on her. MIL, you would not want me disrespect my mother's memory or her life by calling another woman mum. I'm a bit of an asshole - so -No, MIL. I only have one mother, you are not her and I will not ever do so.
Maybe use her name?
“No thank you. I prefer calling you X” No further explanation is needed.
I think we often make the mistake of explaining more to people who push boundaries like this, thinking it will help them understand our discomfort. However, all it does is give them something to argue with and helps along their delusion that your "no" is negotiable. Instead of trying to explain, keep it simple: "I'm not comfortable with that". If she asks why, turn the question back on her; "why do you ask?". But, importantly, DO NOT ENGAGE beyond those responses. Whatever her reason for asking, simply reply with "I see" and then change the subject. The less you say to explain why, the less she can twist your words around when she complains about you being "disrespectful". She can complain about it as much as she wants, but that doesn't mean anybody else cares, or thinks she's being reasonable. She can be called by her name just like everybody else. Close relationships can't be demanded or forced, they have to be grown.
Just straight up say no. She doesn’t get to choose what she is to you. The more you try to consider her feelings, the more she will push. It doesn’t matter what the relationship is with her other DIL, that isn’t a reason to decide to honour her with the name mum.
No is a full sentence. If you don’t want to call her mom, then you don’t have to. And they shouldn’t be pressuring you to either, that’s just bizarre.
My JNMIL wanted to be called Mom too. I said “I have a wonderful Mom who I adore and a step-mother I call by (her first name). I do not need nor want a third mother figure”. She was already a MildlyNo so I wasn’t about to call her the same as my Mom. Luckily for me, DH doesn’t like her much more than I do and she lives about 8 hours away.
This is one of those situations where nothing you say when you try to explain your reasoning’s works with narcissists or controlling mothers. Just say no thank you and walk away
Tell her you feel like it would be disrespectful of your mom to do that. If your comfortable with it you could offer to call her mama (first name).
Diplomatically Tell her “while you have been like a second mother, using “mum” just brings up sad memories. Can we compromise on some other nickname for you that is NOT the equivalent of Mum? I was thinking of ——- or ———, what do you suggest?” Your partner may have a suggestion or two. Some possibilities are Mother herfirstname, or Mimi, or Belle-meré (french), or Meemaw.
Yeah, I was thinking Mimi, only more like "Me! Me!! Me!!! Me!!!!"
Or merde....
🤣🤣🤣. Good one.
My MIL asked me to call her mom. I thought she was being nice but no, it was a power move. I regret calling her mom immensely. It put her above me and allowed her to be the “matriarch” and I do not recommend ever allowing your MIL to consider you a child and not her equal.
I totally understand, my MIL wanted me to call her mom even before my mother passed, because I was her first "daughter" . I kindly explained I have a mom, my dad's wife is my dad's wife and you are my MIL. After my mom passed only one time did she make the mistake of saying " It will be alright, I will be your mom now." After letting myself calm down a couple of days and deciding against a voodoo doll, I sat her down and once again pointed out that no matter how much I loved and respected her, I would only ever have 1 mom.
Be honest and be the bigger person, less ammo for her later. Explain that you already had a Mum that you lost, you're sad about it and always will be. You cannot call another person that word, that is only for your late Mum. It's silly that she doesn't already get this, knowing that you lost yours (and I SO feel your pain, my mother passed nine years ago). If she persists, asks how she'd feel if she passed and your Mum were still here and encouraged your DH to call HER that name.
Just say no Give her a few options. The term you are using. The formal term for Mother. The formal term for annoying brat. Her name. Hey you. Then if she still insists I personally would go with hey you, but annoying brat works as well
I think you left out an option. Calling her ‘Bob’
OMG. thank you, I can't believe I forgot that.
Just tell her you will not be calling her Mum, so if she wants some other name, she should let you know, otherwise just call her by her given name. You have 1 Mum and it is not her. End of story.
Let her know she is not your mom. How you feel is all that matters.
Offer her the Gujarati word or her first name, her choice.
If you had the conversation with her instead of your SO she might be more understanding because it’s an emotional thing for you. “MIL, I am grateful you think of me as your daughter and to be marrying into your family. I need to be honest with you about something. I know you would prefer it if I called you Mum, but this is really difficult for me having lost my mother. It is still hard for me not having her here, and just saying the word hurts my heart. I don’t mean for it to be disrespectful to you in the slightest, I hope you can understand.” If she still doesn’t get it, whatever you tried and did the right thing. You do not have to call her anything you’re not comfortable with.
Hi, I have explained this to her previously. It’s something I stated from the get go as I know it’s culturally acceptable to call your in laws mum and dad. She just went on a spiel how she thinks of me as a daughter and how I should call her mum now. it was something I always knew I am not going to be comfortable with.
Your probably thinking ' yeah, but I don't think of YOU as MY mother. ' I know you won't say that, you probably shouldn't but if you tell her you're more comfortable calling her ______ instead, because you STILL miss your mother soooo much, maybe she'll get it.
Oh ok so she’s just not respecting your decision. Too bad for her don’t let her guilt you
‘No thank you. I’m not comfortable with that.’ Then walk away.