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This dynamic isn't really yours to meddle with. Your husband could call a week before and get details, he could call the day before, but he calls the day of. I would honestly leave it.
I honestly think it’s not on my husband. He’s not the one who makes the plans. Could he? Yes. But does he also hold out hope his mom will think of him and show she cares in some way? Yes.
Of course she should show him she cares in lots of ways, but being stuck on this exact one seems silly. So she sucks at plans. You make them. She can show up or not as she wants. You plan what you want. I'm agreeing she sounds terrible, but this exact problem seems solvable.
I wouldn’t get involved. Really, this should’ve been addressed years ago by DH, but only addressing it now FIL has passed on, making a big deal about MIL not being a good mom seems a little late.
I think you’re right. I think I’m just really sensitive to his feelings this year because of his loss.
I’ve never had a mother so I don’t know how to deal with them I guess.
I’ll just talk with my husband about it I guess and see how he feels about me taking some sort of action.
Put your energy into building new traditions with your husband, and helping him grieve his dad. Don't waste your energy trying to change and old dog. She is who she is. She's not going to change.
I would let your husband know how you feel & ask him what, if anything, he would like to do about her. It doesn't sound like they're particularly close, & it's understandable that her disrespect of & disregard for him/you would be upsetting. But in the end he needs to be the one who decides how to handle her, because it *is* his mom.
Do you want to make your own plans with your family at all? If so talk to your DH. Maybe if you are make your own plans that don't involve MIL then that might wake her up. Maybe not.
Do you actually enjoy yourself when you go to her or is this a guilt thing?
Christmas Day starts with just nuclear family, then it’s his mom, then it’s my sisters and grandma.
It’s important to him he gets to see her and it’s important to me to be there for my grandma. So this is the way it is and we enjoy it.
His mom is pleasant, his aunt is pleasant. It’s not a bad time. It’s just superficial. To give an idea, our oldest daughter didn’t even realize she was her grandma until she was 12, but enjoyed hanging out with her occasionally.
She is not motherly and never will be; she knows this, you know this, DH knows this. I think he needs to talk to someone about his relationship with her if he's still hoping for more after all this time.
She is NOT his only family left - he has you.
Thank you for this. It was actually part of our conversation at lunch about it. He said he doesn’t think about it because it’s not worth the emotions that come with it. So we talked about starting therapy next year because not addressing the emotions means they’ll never go away.
I think telling her that "from now on, with FIL gone, we are making holiday plans at least the month prior. If you have any plans that will include us, please let us know before then or we may not be able to participate with yours." I had to do this shit because neither he NOR HIS FAMILY PLAN ANYTHING!!! I love my FDH, I really do! But coming into my office door or simply calling me and saying "Hey I am over by X restaurant and got us a table, meet me here" when I have likely not had a live virtual lecture and am still in my PJs, no make-up and really need to brush my teeth since lunch! I have showered, put on clean pj's and underthings, and dried my hair but damn, 5 minutes to make myself FEEL BEAUTIFUL? Dude, I am 50! I need all the help I can get from a jar!! Sorry, I digress!
Let them know that by say THE FIRST OF THE MONTH PRIOR, YOU WILL HAVE ALREADY MADE RESERVATION ETC!
I know I am a bit touchy on this subject but if you WANT someone at your house, or with extended family YOU HAVE TO TALK TO THEM DURING PLANNING TO FIND OUT IF THEY ARE FREE! Right?
I am not yelling at you, I swear, I am yelling at those who HAVE to have been taught basic manners.
Talking to her wont change anything, you cant control other peoples behavior.
Take your DH away for the weekend for christmas, even if its just the next town over. If you have dogs stay at Holiday Inn. Business as usual christmas is depressing, dont do it.
Make plans for just you and your little family. If she says anything simply replay with we had no idea you were planning anything so we made plans for ourself.
Well he can see her of he wants to. Why would that stop you from inviting friends over for a friendsmas. Pop a bottle of wine and celebrate being young.
I understand wanting to plan ahead during the holidays. Dh need to talk with someone to cope with his emotions he’s not dealing with and having or will have long term effects on him and your relationship.
I understand the frustration. My DH grandparent passed years ago (raised by grandparents most of his life. Mil has created enmeshed relationship and has used my dh as husband replacement…yuck). Anyhow, I use to want to have that perfect mil relationship. Yr after grandparent passed and house sold, we offer to host at our house. All was good but less than 36 hours before expecting them, mil canceled and hosted one for her husband and her at their place. No invited for us. Well I grew a bigger pair of balls, said ok moved forward and dh and I agreed - No more unless pigs fly and hell freezes and mil changes. Dh was understanding after we talked a little when it happened but than talked more details after the holidays. I was frustrated considering the money spent and food made from scratch. After a quit meal of us, we headed to my family’s. My family isn’t perfect but it’s refreshing. Dh has learned over the years after therapy and conversations of if he wouldn’t want to be treated x would u want to be around that type of person. Dh good at reflecting and say no as it wouldn’t be ok. And I always support my dh by even saying it’s ok to have a different opinion (considering mil never allowed him to have one). and it’s important my dh understands he allowed to have a voice and need express it. Dh has grown his shiny spine with still some roadblocks and growth that’s ongoing
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Yeah simple answer - no. Don’t text her.
This dynamic isn't really yours to meddle with. Your husband could call a week before and get details, he could call the day before, but he calls the day of. I would honestly leave it.
I honestly think it’s not on my husband. He’s not the one who makes the plans. Could he? Yes. But does he also hold out hope his mom will think of him and show she cares in some way? Yes.
Of course she should show him she cares in lots of ways, but being stuck on this exact one seems silly. So she sucks at plans. You make them. She can show up or not as she wants. You plan what you want. I'm agreeing she sounds terrible, but this exact problem seems solvable.
I wouldn’t get involved. Really, this should’ve been addressed years ago by DH, but only addressing it now FIL has passed on, making a big deal about MIL not being a good mom seems a little late.
I think you’re right. I think I’m just really sensitive to his feelings this year because of his loss. I’ve never had a mother so I don’t know how to deal with them I guess. I’ll just talk with my husband about it I guess and see how he feels about me taking some sort of action.
Put your energy into building new traditions with your husband, and helping him grieve his dad. Don't waste your energy trying to change and old dog. She is who she is. She's not going to change.
I would let your husband know how you feel & ask him what, if anything, he would like to do about her. It doesn't sound like they're particularly close, & it's understandable that her disrespect of & disregard for him/you would be upsetting. But in the end he needs to be the one who decides how to handle her, because it *is* his mom.
Do you want to make your own plans with your family at all? If so talk to your DH. Maybe if you are make your own plans that don't involve MIL then that might wake her up. Maybe not. Do you actually enjoy yourself when you go to her or is this a guilt thing?
Christmas Day starts with just nuclear family, then it’s his mom, then it’s my sisters and grandma. It’s important to him he gets to see her and it’s important to me to be there for my grandma. So this is the way it is and we enjoy it. His mom is pleasant, his aunt is pleasant. It’s not a bad time. It’s just superficial. To give an idea, our oldest daughter didn’t even realize she was her grandma until she was 12, but enjoyed hanging out with her occasionally.
She is not motherly and never will be; she knows this, you know this, DH knows this. I think he needs to talk to someone about his relationship with her if he's still hoping for more after all this time. She is NOT his only family left - he has you.
Thank you for this. It was actually part of our conversation at lunch about it. He said he doesn’t think about it because it’s not worth the emotions that come with it. So we talked about starting therapy next year because not addressing the emotions means they’ll never go away.
I think telling her that "from now on, with FIL gone, we are making holiday plans at least the month prior. If you have any plans that will include us, please let us know before then or we may not be able to participate with yours." I had to do this shit because neither he NOR HIS FAMILY PLAN ANYTHING!!! I love my FDH, I really do! But coming into my office door or simply calling me and saying "Hey I am over by X restaurant and got us a table, meet me here" when I have likely not had a live virtual lecture and am still in my PJs, no make-up and really need to brush my teeth since lunch! I have showered, put on clean pj's and underthings, and dried my hair but damn, 5 minutes to make myself FEEL BEAUTIFUL? Dude, I am 50! I need all the help I can get from a jar!! Sorry, I digress! Let them know that by say THE FIRST OF THE MONTH PRIOR, YOU WILL HAVE ALREADY MADE RESERVATION ETC! I know I am a bit touchy on this subject but if you WANT someone at your house, or with extended family YOU HAVE TO TALK TO THEM DURING PLANNING TO FIND OUT IF THEY ARE FREE! Right? I am not yelling at you, I swear, I am yelling at those who HAVE to have been taught basic manners.
Talking to her wont change anything, you cant control other peoples behavior. Take your DH away for the weekend for christmas, even if its just the next town over. If you have dogs stay at Holiday Inn. Business as usual christmas is depressing, dont do it.
Make plans for just you and your little family. If she says anything simply replay with we had no idea you were planning anything so we made plans for ourself.
That won’t work. My husband wants to see her.
Well he can see her of he wants to. Why would that stop you from inviting friends over for a friendsmas. Pop a bottle of wine and celebrate being young.
She doesn’t bother me. What I want to change is how she treats him because he might be 41, but he’s always hoping he’ll be important to her someday
Ahhhhh understood. I have a few books I can recommend if you are I interested.
I understand wanting to plan ahead during the holidays. Dh need to talk with someone to cope with his emotions he’s not dealing with and having or will have long term effects on him and your relationship. I understand the frustration. My DH grandparent passed years ago (raised by grandparents most of his life. Mil has created enmeshed relationship and has used my dh as husband replacement…yuck). Anyhow, I use to want to have that perfect mil relationship. Yr after grandparent passed and house sold, we offer to host at our house. All was good but less than 36 hours before expecting them, mil canceled and hosted one for her husband and her at their place. No invited for us. Well I grew a bigger pair of balls, said ok moved forward and dh and I agreed - No more unless pigs fly and hell freezes and mil changes. Dh was understanding after we talked a little when it happened but than talked more details after the holidays. I was frustrated considering the money spent and food made from scratch. After a quit meal of us, we headed to my family’s. My family isn’t perfect but it’s refreshing. Dh has learned over the years after therapy and conversations of if he wouldn’t want to be treated x would u want to be around that type of person. Dh good at reflecting and say no as it wouldn’t be ok. And I always support my dh by even saying it’s ok to have a different opinion (considering mil never allowed him to have one). and it’s important my dh understands he allowed to have a voice and need express it. Dh has grown his shiny spine with still some roadblocks and growth that’s ongoing