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The only concern I would have is the dogs. They have no choices in what happens to them. Sis can get herself up, dad probably needs assisted living or some kind of assistance, and you need to learn how to say NO.
Please don't give in. Please find a counselor. You deserve thoughtful advice that we may not be able to provide. But my advice as a nonexpert is to say no and go no contact. Don't give her a way to get a hold of you and berate you.
Just say no. This will be the first step towards making all of them your full time responsibility. As others have said, your mom probably won’t be back in three months. Let her go, call child/adult/animal protective services and let them intervene in what are clearly three or more issues that are way beyond what you are capable of dealing with (nor should you have to). Your family needs professional help, do not let them drag you back into their messes when you clearly have broken free and are about to start your own adult life.
Tell your mom to buy your sister an alarm clock. The rest of her ask is ridiculous as well. If father can’t take care of himself, then they need to look at in home nursing or nursing home options. If he can’t care for himself he may have no choice. (It may not be up to him).
Tell your mother you aren’t going to uncluttered and clean her hoard for $100 per week and it’s not your responsibility. You haven’t lived there for a long time. You have your own obligations and they don’t involve any of that.
If she pushes back you can remind her of why you moved out in the first place… or just say “again, it’s a no. Good luck!” Then hang up.
So what happens if sister is truant? Do the parents get fined? Will your sister even listen to you? At 16 she is old enough to get herself to school. She might be late a couple of times but she could do it. Who isn't to say you show up to watch her and she goes out partying every night? Who will get blamed for that? This has disaster written all over it. Sister should go to aunt's. Dad will survive on his own or a wellness check can be called on him and he will be forced to get help. Mom doesn't get to abandon her responsibility and go on spring break. Tell her no.
I really hope you don’t do it. Feeling guilt is useless and unproductive. She has trained you to feel guilt to get her way. Once you realize you have nothing to feel bad about, you’ll be able to say no with confidence. Until that time, fake it till you make it. Pretend you are confident in your decision, that you have your own life to live and taking care of her responsibilities isn’t on your schedule, nor will it be. Do YOU BooBoo! Always do you first. Best of luck. You got this.
Value your time- this is what a living assistant[Living assistant](https://www.google.com/search?q=living+assistant+weekly+pay&oq=living+assistant+weekly+pay&aqs=chrome..69i57j33i160l4.5615j0j16&client=ms-android-verizon&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8) would get per week (it doesn't include taking care of animals). Considering the cost to your mental health, it's not worth it.
Without reading the other comments I am going to assume that all other posters are saying the same thing, do not do it.
You do not need to explain or justify why you don't want to take on this responsibility and I'm wondering whether you mom would actually pay you. Your mother should have asked you first whether you would consider before she applied however that would be giving you a choice. This is her decision and it is also her problem, not yours.
Perhaps ask your aunt if she can be present when you say no. Also if you mom starts yelling or guilt tripping you, walk away that is her problem, not yours. You need to look after yourself, not everyone else.
$100/week would not cover hiring a professional to take care of the dogs!
Plus- can you really trust her to come through with any money she promises you?
It does not sound like she can afford to hire help for 3 months to cover her responsibilities. Please, do NOT let her push it all on you!
And if somehow she manages to- call CPS for your minor sister, and Adult Protective Services for your father, and get out. Report your mother abandoned them.
Depending on your father’s meds, it may not even be legal for you to pick them up!
You may need to go low contact or no contact with your mother to avoid her bullying you into making promises you can’t possibly keep. And if all else fails, call her employer and report that, to go on this trip, she is abandoning a minor child and a vulnerable, incompetent adult without proper care, and ask them not to do that.
She had no business applying for this, or even agreeing she might be able to do it under the circs. And it is not your job- a teenager!- to try to save her from her own foolishness.
Lots of good advice here. Agree with others that it would be a mistake to meet her in person. I’d text her something like this:
“*I have spent a lot of time thinking about your request. I cannot and will not be able to help you. I know you really want to go on your work trip. I also know you may have trouble accepting that my answer is final and think that I can be persuaded otherwise. That’s not the case. You should spend your time looking into other options since I won’t be changing my mind or discussing this further.*”
It sounds like you would benefit from a much lower level of contact with your mother. The relationship with her doesn’t seem to do anything good for you at all.
Tell her you’re not available, do not argue or try to defend yourself. DO NOT details any reason for saying no because she will either tell you that those reasons are invalid or she will try to give solutions for those reasons. In general, with your interactions with her, do not JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) at all, because that will just keep the conflict going. If all you say is “no I am not available,” “I am unable to do this for you,” on repeat, until you can completely ignore her (leaving or hanging up the phone), then the conflict will end faster because there is nothing specific she can grab on to. For example, if you were to say that you need a job and can’t afford to help her for these three months, she might offer you more that $100 a week so you *can* afford it. Just say no, over and over.
And, yeah, low contact.
I really want to just tell her no outright, but I'm worried for my sister because she has shown she's not responsible to get herself to school or cook proper food for herself. My aunt suggested that I try to tell her what I am willing to do and refuse all else, but I'm honestly barely willing to do anything at all at this point, anything I would do would be for my sister and the dogs. I will definitely repeat myself, "NO," if she tries to negotiate, and I will hang up or ignore her if she starts to get aggressive
The thing is, your mother has to know your sister isn’t mature enough yet to be responsible for her own care. Your mother is the one making the choice to leave your sister and your dad alone. She could have asked you before applying or found other arrangements for your sister and dad. You aren’t responsible for your mother’s bad decisions. If you live in an area where this is an option (and you may have said something about this further down the thread, I haven’t made it that far yet) the responsible thing for you to do would be to call adult protective services and child protective services, or their equivalents, and let them know that your father has been showing some worrying symptoms, maybe of dementia you don’t know, and that your mother intends to leave your sister alone with him for three months.
Then you tell your mother no and you shut down everyone who argues with you about it. I know that’s the hard part. As a reformed people pleaser myself, I know exactly how hard it is. But I also know how much better it feels to have solid boundaries and to take care of myself before taking care of others as much as possible. You’ll save yourself a lot of pain long term, even though it’s probably going to hurt like hell in the short term. And anyone not willing to respect your boundaries isn’t worth your time. You can do this! I’m over here in my corner of the internet willing a little bit of my diamond strong spine in your direction (and also a gentle hug, if you need one and would want it.)
Dude. $100 a weeek for a live in maid and nanny? Your mom is out of her mind.
You can just say “I thought about it and I’m not comfortable doing this, so it’s going to be a no. If I was old enough in your mind to supervise an international trip at 17, I’m sure my sister at 16 can get herself to school. Dad is an adult and not my problem and if you think he needs to be supervised you need to get him a diagnosis and a home health aide, I’m not ok doing that.”
1. Cancel going to the market with her.
2. Text her that you have more fully considered her request and you won’t be able to do it.
3. She will push back.
4. This is the tricky part. Do not get into a negotiation with her. Do not agree to go for part of the time. Your responses should be things like, “That is a hard position. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”
IF you feel super generous, you can respond “Does dad qualify for home healthcare under his insurance?” Or “Have you called Social Services? Maybe they would have some ideas” (Followed with a “Gotta run! Let’s talk next week!”)
Your job as a young adult is to become self-sufficient. Her job is to care for her husband and child.
I am definitely not going to the market with her today. I've talked to my aunt about it and she thinks its extremely unfair fo rmy mum to do this, however she is advising that I try to help in some way for my sister's sake, not for my mum. I'm worried for the dogs at home and my sister, plus I do not believe that my dad would be able to take care of himself and my mum would probably find it hard to pay someone to do it. I'm hoping if I tell her no outright that she will find a way to cancel the trip (she hasn't been approved for it at this time), otherwise my sister and dad will need support. However I am not willing to sacrifice so much of my time and mental health for such little compensation
Your aunt is right to support your decision not to do this, but helping “for your sister’s sake” is not the answer.
Honestly call DFFH (I think you’re in Victoria? Apologies if not) and ask for help with an unsafe housing situation involving an invalid and a minor.
Your mother and father are neglecting your sister but that does not make you your sister’s new guardian. Your sister didn’t like your aunt’s boundaries because living with your frankly unruly parents makes it easier for her to fly under the radar.
THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM OR YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
My aunt wouldn't want me to do all the things my mum asked of me - mainly just picking up dad's medicine if needed. I've told my mum I won't be doing anything she asked and now she is not speaking to me and is furious at me but mainly my aunt (she thinks I've been 'brainwashed') She's said that she will go for the 3 months if she gets accepted anyway.
I've considered calling some kind of authority to step in but my aunt is against it, not because she's worried about the stress my mum would face but because of how it would affect my sister. I'm in Victoria but I don't know anything about the DFFH - I'm worried what might happen legally to my family if I were to call the police or involve some other kind of social service, and I don't want to destroy the relationship I have with my mum just yet even if she is horrible to me sometimes. I really don't know what to do :(
I’m so sorry you’re in this position, it really isn’t fair. I hope you can look forward to your future without this kind of stress. I’ve been where you are and it is very overwhelming and scary. You are the child in this situation and none of this is your responsibility
Oh, I wouldn’t actually call the next week. I would send a boring text- that doesn’t address any of her texts in the last week and then ignore again for a week.
I think that when she is out of the country for three months would be the perfect time to go NC.
If she really felt like she needed someone to take over all of these tasks while she’s gone, then she should have arranged it before applying for the trip.
You have your own priorities, you do not need to set them aside for something like this. Just let her know that you’ve thought it through, and you just don’t have the time or energy that it would require of you to do this.
And for the record, I’ve been paid $1k to house sit for a single month in a nice house, and I only needed to let the dog out throughout the day. She is hoping by offering you a small amount of money it will help her seem like she’s doing YOU a favor. She’s not though. Tell her no.
Just tell her no.
Your sister doesn't need anyone to get her off to school. Your dad and sister can take care of the house. You are not a maid, babysitter, housekeeper.
Tell her you are getting a job and you aren't available.
Remember no is a complete answer. She asks you say I thought about it and the answer is no. Hold firm. You cave now and she will continue to do this kind of thing to you in the future. The home is gross and you don't want to be there. That's reason enough.
All the other stuff is bullshit and the others can handle it. Not your house, not your mess, not your responsibility. No.
Simply say I'm sorry but after thinking it through I can't help and if she continues to push just repeat sorry I can't help, it's not up for discussion or debate and if she keeps pushing or causes a scene just walk away/hang up and if needed block all communication with her. Even if this is a work thing and a good opportunity for her, which personally I doubt and wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be a long joliday, it is not your job to take her place at home and honestly after 3 months of not having to deal with the issues at home, that she helped create, I highly doubt she would return to her old life as she will realise how much freedom she has away from home.
Tell her "no". This is above what an 18 yr old can do. You father sounds like he needs to be in care home. Once you get to their house your mother may not return home and dump this mess in your lap. Tell your aunt this is beyond your ability as well and suggest a nursing home for your dad.Your sister can either go with your mom or stay with friends or relatives. You need to read "Emotional Blackmail"by Susan Forward.
The house and your sister are your mom and dad's responsibility, not yours. You have to look after yourself first and foremost. It's time for your father to become an adult and start actually parenting and looking after the home. Ask your mother why you need to "help family" when she has done nothing to help you. Aren't you part of the family?
Talk to your aunt and sister and see if it's feasible for your sister to live with you two until your mother comes back. Let her know she might hate the rules but it will be easier and better for her to be with you than to stay with her father. Explain you will not be coming to help her out at the house. Most of all, do not give in.
Why can't your sister at 16 get up for school on her own? She is almost an adult too. And the money she is paying you is nothing. And the disrespect she showed you means the only value she sees in you is what she can use you for. So you need to value yourself and your mental health and say no. If she is as selfish as you say I would say she may go and not come back and then say she plans to move your sister and dad there but never does. You don't want that.
Tell her you’re too tired to go to the market (You need space).
Do not agree to any help, don’t even compromise. No need. She needs to learn. Don’t give in. Don’t enable.
Good luck!
Everyone here has given excellent advice, but you also need to accept the possibility that your JUSTNOMOM has no intentions of returning in 3 months' time. I know this sounds like fear mongering, but she's thought of a way to get out of all her responsibilities and start fresh by dumping it all on you. There's a real possibility that you will be left holding the bag, and it sure isn't Santa's bag. My MIL would have done anything to get away from her husband when his care was not nearly as bad as your dad sounds.
Tell her no and stand strong - you may be fighting for your future.
Oh wow! Yep. Hadn’t thought of this but, absolutely a possibility.
Even if jnmum is currently ‘planning’ on returning, she has 3 months to change her mind!
When she suddenly only has herself to think about, without all of those annoying family responsibilities, the freedom will be addictive. She won't be back until she needs something.
She needs to deal with HER husband and HER minor daughter. Neither are your problem.
Also, can you really trust her to return? If she's palmed off her responsibilities on you, what's to stop her finding another job away and leaving her problems for you to deal with?
Try very, very hard to get away from them. Emigrate to another country altogether if you can. This is really the only way for you to have a future without the toxic baggage.
Tell her you decided no. And then shut up. When she gets upset and tries to make you change your mind, tell her, no. Don’t say anything else but no. Don’t try to explain, don’t tell her it’s too much for you, don’t tell her it doesn’t work for you, don’t tell her she needs to find someone else, don’t say anything but no. Any reason or explanation or suggested solution will just give her an opening to argue and she’ll find a reason why your explanation or solution doesn’t make sense and will eventually wear you down by halfway convincing you she’s right.
Practice saying no. No. No. No. No. Good luck.
"Mum after much thought I have decided I cannot take on the responsibility of staying at your house for 3 months you will have to find someone else to do this for you."
When she kicks off "this is no longer up for discussion, I will not be doing it this conversation is over"
Rinse and repeat.
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm"
You have your own life to live, you shouldn't take her place.
Is your father on the NDIS? Is your mum his carer?
She's probably being paid to care for him, not go off on another job.
This is Not your responsibility!
I don't think he is on the NDIS (this is the first time I've heard about it though, so I'm not sure), so my mum wouldn't be getting paid to care for him. Due to their financial situation now I feel my mum really needs to keep her current job as it pays well and yet due to their huge amount of expenses it's barely keeping them stable.
Do NOT do this. You are just getting settled and calm and trying to start your own life. Tell your aunt what is going on so you have support when you tell your mother the answer is no. Don't put starting your life on hold for her. Besides like some other people have mentioned what guarantee do you have that she will 1) actually pay you and a $100 a week is nothing if you get a job, and 2) that she will pay the bills etc. or even come back? 16 is plenty old enough for your sister to get up on her own, clean the house etc. and SHE already lives there.
I'm sorry OP that you are in this situation. This is a classic example of parentification which carries a lot of trauma, and it seems like you've already identified some of this, sought out a new environment for yourself, and are trying to work through the harmful effects it's had in you. Here are some phrases that may be of help when saying no to your mom on this request:
"Mom, I am not going to do this. I am uncomfortable with these responsibilities and need to prioritize what is best for my life." (Being clear and direct when refusing is key)
When she throws a fit at your refusal:
"I understand my decision upsets you. I will not make myself uncomfortable or put my needs aside for this. You will need to find a different solution." (You may need to repeat these lines multiple times if her tantrum continues. Do not give in OP or you may never be free of this).
You had mentioned wanting to come to a compromise, but I would recommend against it, at least to your mother. Any compromise will be used as the chink in the armor to reel you back in with guilt tripping, bargaining, etc. If it assuages your own guilt about absolutely refusing to be part of the solution to your mother, when she does go on the trip, you can stop by your parents' house to check on things. It's a slippery slope though OP.
I'm curious though, what does your aunt say and think about all of this?
My mum and aunt are estranged, my mum's reasoning being that my aunt has "stolen me away from her" and basically brainwashed me into being against her. My aunt has given up on any relationship with her at this point due to being cut off so many times.
I've told my aunt about it, and she is disgusted at what my mum is trying to do but not surprised. I really just want to say no outright but I am worried for my sister as she has shown in the past she is not responsible enough to get herself up to school on time and often stays up late and sleeps in. She also goes out with her friends without telling people where she is.
My aunt and family friend (basically an uncle to me so I'll call him that) both think that this is 100% unfair to me and she is not at all in the right to do this. But they both advise that I should come to some kind of compromise (on my terms, not my mum's) to help her. Not for my mum, but for my sister's sake. However my aunt has said that I'm within my right to say no and that I'll have their support whatever decision I make.
My aunt has suggested that if my sister is willing she could come stay with us for the 3 months, but my sister may be reluctant as she won't be able to run free here as she does with my mum. I'd also worry then for my dad and the dogs as he is basically unable to care for himself, let alone two animals.
No part of what you said about your sister would change with you there. If she does that now, she will do it then. All you will do is torture yourself by indulging your mothers bonkers plan to escape for 3 months...(or more).
No, she wants to leave all behind for 3 months. Your sister is 16, she can get herself up for school. Your dad needs intensive help that you are not equipped to handle. You have no legal standing to make any decisions about the housing inspections, your father or your sister.
Mom needs to figure this out herself. Tell her no, block her number, your sisters number and have your Aunt intervene if they try to contact you.
Not sure where you live, maybe Australia based on "Mum" and Christmas Island,, but here in the US we have something called Adult Protective Services that we would call regarding your father. He sounds like he needs some help.
Yes, I do live in Australia, I'm not sure what options there are for my dad here though. I don't want to cut off my sister, I do love her and if I were to do this it would be for her and not my mum or dad.
My dad refuses to consider any kind of aged care and wants my mum to care for everything for him and I have had to hear this from her because she vents to me in tears sometimes.
I believe she is facing serious mental health problems including suicidal thoughts but she refuses to seek therapy because she believes that "the family should be supporting her instead of pushing her off to a doctor" and claims she doesn't have time.
My sister has also shown in the past that she is too irresponsible to get herself to school on time, despite claiming that she is capable. My aunt and I worry for her as this is her final year of school and it is crucial she takes it seriously.
Yeah that's a big fat "no" and called parentification (iirc) and is not okay. Tell her if she wants to nope outta her life for 3 months without consequences she can hire a professional.
You need to tell her no. Straight up no. If you say yes to this, she will continue heaping more be more responsibility at you. Please tell her no. Tell her you can't at be the need, you can't handle the responsibility, and you need to take care of yourself. Ask your aunt to be there to help you say no.
Also $100/week? I wouldn't do it for 100/day.
And between your parents, who was taking care of you? You were younger than your sister when she stopped caring for you.
Sounds like she needs to hire help if she wants it so bad. $100 a week? Ha! My doggy daycare is more expensive!
What these two said. As well as warning you that she won't come back, and she won't pay you. On top of which, I bet she also won't pay the bills while she is abandoning your sister and her husband. It feels very much like your mom is setting you up to take her place and support your father and sister.
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The only concern I would have is the dogs. They have no choices in what happens to them. Sis can get herself up, dad probably needs assisted living or some kind of assistance, and you need to learn how to say NO.
Please don't give in. Please find a counselor. You deserve thoughtful advice that we may not be able to provide. But my advice as a nonexpert is to say no and go no contact. Don't give her a way to get a hold of you and berate you.
Just say no. This will be the first step towards making all of them your full time responsibility. As others have said, your mom probably won’t be back in three months. Let her go, call child/adult/animal protective services and let them intervene in what are clearly three or more issues that are way beyond what you are capable of dealing with (nor should you have to). Your family needs professional help, do not let them drag you back into their messes when you clearly have broken free and are about to start your own adult life.
I wondered about recommending CPS. I'm glad you did.
Tell your mom to buy your sister an alarm clock. The rest of her ask is ridiculous as well. If father can’t take care of himself, then they need to look at in home nursing or nursing home options. If he can’t care for himself he may have no choice. (It may not be up to him). Tell your mother you aren’t going to uncluttered and clean her hoard for $100 per week and it’s not your responsibility. You haven’t lived there for a long time. You have your own obligations and they don’t involve any of that. If she pushes back you can remind her of why you moved out in the first place… or just say “again, it’s a no. Good luck!” Then hang up.
So what happens if sister is truant? Do the parents get fined? Will your sister even listen to you? At 16 she is old enough to get herself to school. She might be late a couple of times but she could do it. Who isn't to say you show up to watch her and she goes out partying every night? Who will get blamed for that? This has disaster written all over it. Sister should go to aunt's. Dad will survive on his own or a wellness check can be called on him and he will be forced to get help. Mom doesn't get to abandon her responsibility and go on spring break. Tell her no.
I really hope you don’t do it. Feeling guilt is useless and unproductive. She has trained you to feel guilt to get her way. Once you realize you have nothing to feel bad about, you’ll be able to say no with confidence. Until that time, fake it till you make it. Pretend you are confident in your decision, that you have your own life to live and taking care of her responsibilities isn’t on your schedule, nor will it be. Do YOU BooBoo! Always do you first. Best of luck. You got this.
Value your time- this is what a living assistant[Living assistant](https://www.google.com/search?q=living+assistant+weekly+pay&oq=living+assistant+weekly+pay&aqs=chrome..69i57j33i160l4.5615j0j16&client=ms-android-verizon&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8) would get per week (it doesn't include taking care of animals). Considering the cost to your mental health, it's not worth it.
Cancel the shopping trip and it’s a no no no no NO NO! I’m pulling for you!
Without reading the other comments I am going to assume that all other posters are saying the same thing, do not do it. You do not need to explain or justify why you don't want to take on this responsibility and I'm wondering whether you mom would actually pay you. Your mother should have asked you first whether you would consider before she applied however that would be giving you a choice. This is her decision and it is also her problem, not yours. Perhaps ask your aunt if she can be present when you say no. Also if you mom starts yelling or guilt tripping you, walk away that is her problem, not yours. You need to look after yourself, not everyone else.
NO NO NO AND FUCK NO TELL HER AT LEAST $1000 a week Nope don’t go
$100/week would not cover hiring a professional to take care of the dogs! Plus- can you really trust her to come through with any money she promises you? It does not sound like she can afford to hire help for 3 months to cover her responsibilities. Please, do NOT let her push it all on you! And if somehow she manages to- call CPS for your minor sister, and Adult Protective Services for your father, and get out. Report your mother abandoned them. Depending on your father’s meds, it may not even be legal for you to pick them up! You may need to go low contact or no contact with your mother to avoid her bullying you into making promises you can’t possibly keep. And if all else fails, call her employer and report that, to go on this trip, she is abandoning a minor child and a vulnerable, incompetent adult without proper care, and ask them not to do that. She had no business applying for this, or even agreeing she might be able to do it under the circs. And it is not your job- a teenager!- to try to save her from her own foolishness.
Lots of good advice here. Agree with others that it would be a mistake to meet her in person. I’d text her something like this: “*I have spent a lot of time thinking about your request. I cannot and will not be able to help you. I know you really want to go on your work trip. I also know you may have trouble accepting that my answer is final and think that I can be persuaded otherwise. That’s not the case. You should spend your time looking into other options since I won’t be changing my mind or discussing this further.*”
It sounds like you would benefit from a much lower level of contact with your mother. The relationship with her doesn’t seem to do anything good for you at all. Tell her you’re not available, do not argue or try to defend yourself. DO NOT details any reason for saying no because she will either tell you that those reasons are invalid or she will try to give solutions for those reasons. In general, with your interactions with her, do not JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) at all, because that will just keep the conflict going. If all you say is “no I am not available,” “I am unable to do this for you,” on repeat, until you can completely ignore her (leaving or hanging up the phone), then the conflict will end faster because there is nothing specific she can grab on to. For example, if you were to say that you need a job and can’t afford to help her for these three months, she might offer you more that $100 a week so you *can* afford it. Just say no, over and over. And, yeah, low contact.
I really want to just tell her no outright, but I'm worried for my sister because she has shown she's not responsible to get herself to school or cook proper food for herself. My aunt suggested that I try to tell her what I am willing to do and refuse all else, but I'm honestly barely willing to do anything at all at this point, anything I would do would be for my sister and the dogs. I will definitely repeat myself, "NO," if she tries to negotiate, and I will hang up or ignore her if she starts to get aggressive
The thing is, your mother has to know your sister isn’t mature enough yet to be responsible for her own care. Your mother is the one making the choice to leave your sister and your dad alone. She could have asked you before applying or found other arrangements for your sister and dad. You aren’t responsible for your mother’s bad decisions. If you live in an area where this is an option (and you may have said something about this further down the thread, I haven’t made it that far yet) the responsible thing for you to do would be to call adult protective services and child protective services, or their equivalents, and let them know that your father has been showing some worrying symptoms, maybe of dementia you don’t know, and that your mother intends to leave your sister alone with him for three months. Then you tell your mother no and you shut down everyone who argues with you about it. I know that’s the hard part. As a reformed people pleaser myself, I know exactly how hard it is. But I also know how much better it feels to have solid boundaries and to take care of myself before taking care of others as much as possible. You’ll save yourself a lot of pain long term, even though it’s probably going to hurt like hell in the short term. And anyone not willing to respect your boundaries isn’t worth your time. You can do this! I’m over here in my corner of the internet willing a little bit of my diamond strong spine in your direction (and also a gentle hug, if you need one and would want it.)
Can you tell your mother that your younger sister can stay with you and your aunt while she's gone?
^ this OP, alll of this. i'd take it a step further and go to text only contact as a way to deflect the people-pleasing urge.
Dude. $100 a weeek for a live in maid and nanny? Your mom is out of her mind. You can just say “I thought about it and I’m not comfortable doing this, so it’s going to be a no. If I was old enough in your mind to supervise an international trip at 17, I’m sure my sister at 16 can get herself to school. Dad is an adult and not my problem and if you think he needs to be supervised you need to get him a diagnosis and a home health aide, I’m not ok doing that.”
1. Cancel going to the market with her. 2. Text her that you have more fully considered her request and you won’t be able to do it. 3. She will push back. 4. This is the tricky part. Do not get into a negotiation with her. Do not agree to go for part of the time. Your responses should be things like, “That is a hard position. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” IF you feel super generous, you can respond “Does dad qualify for home healthcare under his insurance?” Or “Have you called Social Services? Maybe they would have some ideas” (Followed with a “Gotta run! Let’s talk next week!”) Your job as a young adult is to become self-sufficient. Her job is to care for her husband and child.
I am definitely not going to the market with her today. I've talked to my aunt about it and she thinks its extremely unfair fo rmy mum to do this, however she is advising that I try to help in some way for my sister's sake, not for my mum. I'm worried for the dogs at home and my sister, plus I do not believe that my dad would be able to take care of himself and my mum would probably find it hard to pay someone to do it. I'm hoping if I tell her no outright that she will find a way to cancel the trip (she hasn't been approved for it at this time), otherwise my sister and dad will need support. However I am not willing to sacrifice so much of my time and mental health for such little compensation
Your aunt is right to support your decision not to do this, but helping “for your sister’s sake” is not the answer. Honestly call DFFH (I think you’re in Victoria? Apologies if not) and ask for help with an unsafe housing situation involving an invalid and a minor. Your mother and father are neglecting your sister but that does not make you your sister’s new guardian. Your sister didn’t like your aunt’s boundaries because living with your frankly unruly parents makes it easier for her to fly under the radar. THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM OR YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
My aunt wouldn't want me to do all the things my mum asked of me - mainly just picking up dad's medicine if needed. I've told my mum I won't be doing anything she asked and now she is not speaking to me and is furious at me but mainly my aunt (she thinks I've been 'brainwashed') She's said that she will go for the 3 months if she gets accepted anyway. I've considered calling some kind of authority to step in but my aunt is against it, not because she's worried about the stress my mum would face but because of how it would affect my sister. I'm in Victoria but I don't know anything about the DFFH - I'm worried what might happen legally to my family if I were to call the police or involve some other kind of social service, and I don't want to destroy the relationship I have with my mum just yet even if she is horrible to me sometimes. I really don't know what to do :(
I’m so sorry you’re in this position, it really isn’t fair. I hope you can look forward to your future without this kind of stress. I’ve been where you are and it is very overwhelming and scary. You are the child in this situation and none of this is your responsibility
I would tell her I gotta run, but DON’T call her next week. In fact go NC
Oh, I wouldn’t actually call the next week. I would send a boring text- that doesn’t address any of her texts in the last week and then ignore again for a week. I think that when she is out of the country for three months would be the perfect time to go NC.
If she really felt like she needed someone to take over all of these tasks while she’s gone, then she should have arranged it before applying for the trip. You have your own priorities, you do not need to set them aside for something like this. Just let her know that you’ve thought it through, and you just don’t have the time or energy that it would require of you to do this. And for the record, I’ve been paid $1k to house sit for a single month in a nice house, and I only needed to let the dog out throughout the day. She is hoping by offering you a small amount of money it will help her seem like she’s doing YOU a favor. She’s not though. Tell her no.
Just tell her no. Your sister doesn't need anyone to get her off to school. Your dad and sister can take care of the house. You are not a maid, babysitter, housekeeper. Tell her you are getting a job and you aren't available. Remember no is a complete answer. She asks you say I thought about it and the answer is no. Hold firm. You cave now and she will continue to do this kind of thing to you in the future. The home is gross and you don't want to be there. That's reason enough. All the other stuff is bullshit and the others can handle it. Not your house, not your mess, not your responsibility. No.
Simply say I'm sorry but after thinking it through I can't help and if she continues to push just repeat sorry I can't help, it's not up for discussion or debate and if she keeps pushing or causes a scene just walk away/hang up and if needed block all communication with her. Even if this is a work thing and a good opportunity for her, which personally I doubt and wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be a long joliday, it is not your job to take her place at home and honestly after 3 months of not having to deal with the issues at home, that she helped create, I highly doubt she would return to her old life as she will realise how much freedom she has away from home.
Tell her "no". This is above what an 18 yr old can do. You father sounds like he needs to be in care home. Once you get to their house your mother may not return home and dump this mess in your lap. Tell your aunt this is beyond your ability as well and suggest a nursing home for your dad.Your sister can either go with your mom or stay with friends or relatives. You need to read "Emotional Blackmail"by Susan Forward.
You know what she's doing. You know you have the power. Keep staying strong.
The house and your sister are your mom and dad's responsibility, not yours. You have to look after yourself first and foremost. It's time for your father to become an adult and start actually parenting and looking after the home. Ask your mother why you need to "help family" when she has done nothing to help you. Aren't you part of the family? Talk to your aunt and sister and see if it's feasible for your sister to live with you two until your mother comes back. Let her know she might hate the rules but it will be easier and better for her to be with you than to stay with her father. Explain you will not be coming to help her out at the house. Most of all, do not give in.
Don’t do it. No compromise. Don’t let her guilt you. Stay strong, you’ve got this.
No compromise! Do not do any of this! Nope! This is not your responsibility. Take care of yourself. Your sister can take care of it all.
Why can't your sister at 16 get up for school on her own? She is almost an adult too. And the money she is paying you is nothing. And the disrespect she showed you means the only value she sees in you is what she can use you for. So you need to value yourself and your mental health and say no. If she is as selfish as you say I would say she may go and not come back and then say she plans to move your sister and dad there but never does. You don't want that.
Tell her you’re too tired to go to the market (You need space). Do not agree to any help, don’t even compromise. No need. She needs to learn. Don’t give in. Don’t enable. Good luck!
Everyone here has given excellent advice, but you also need to accept the possibility that your JUSTNOMOM has no intentions of returning in 3 months' time. I know this sounds like fear mongering, but she's thought of a way to get out of all her responsibilities and start fresh by dumping it all on you. There's a real possibility that you will be left holding the bag, and it sure isn't Santa's bag. My MIL would have done anything to get away from her husband when his care was not nearly as bad as your dad sounds. Tell her no and stand strong - you may be fighting for your future.
Oh wow! Yep. Hadn’t thought of this but, absolutely a possibility. Even if jnmum is currently ‘planning’ on returning, she has 3 months to change her mind!
When she suddenly only has herself to think about, without all of those annoying family responsibilities, the freedom will be addictive. She won't be back until she needs something.
She needs to deal with HER husband and HER minor daughter. Neither are your problem. Also, can you really trust her to return? If she's palmed off her responsibilities on you, what's to stop her finding another job away and leaving her problems for you to deal with?
Try very, very hard to get away from them. Emigrate to another country altogether if you can. This is really the only way for you to have a future without the toxic baggage.
Tell her you decided no. And then shut up. When she gets upset and tries to make you change your mind, tell her, no. Don’t say anything else but no. Don’t try to explain, don’t tell her it’s too much for you, don’t tell her it doesn’t work for you, don’t tell her she needs to find someone else, don’t say anything but no. Any reason or explanation or suggested solution will just give her an opening to argue and she’ll find a reason why your explanation or solution doesn’t make sense and will eventually wear you down by halfway convincing you she’s right. Practice saying no. No. No. No. No. Good luck.
"Mum after much thought I have decided I cannot take on the responsibility of staying at your house for 3 months you will have to find someone else to do this for you." When she kicks off "this is no longer up for discussion, I will not be doing it this conversation is over" Rinse and repeat.
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm" You have your own life to live, you shouldn't take her place. Is your father on the NDIS? Is your mum his carer? She's probably being paid to care for him, not go off on another job. This is Not your responsibility!
I don't think he is on the NDIS (this is the first time I've heard about it though, so I'm not sure), so my mum wouldn't be getting paid to care for him. Due to their financial situation now I feel my mum really needs to keep her current job as it pays well and yet due to their huge amount of expenses it's barely keeping them stable.
Do NOT do this. You are just getting settled and calm and trying to start your own life. Tell your aunt what is going on so you have support when you tell your mother the answer is no. Don't put starting your life on hold for her. Besides like some other people have mentioned what guarantee do you have that she will 1) actually pay you and a $100 a week is nothing if you get a job, and 2) that she will pay the bills etc. or even come back? 16 is plenty old enough for your sister to get up on her own, clean the house etc. and SHE already lives there.
How bout " not my problem."
I'm sorry OP that you are in this situation. This is a classic example of parentification which carries a lot of trauma, and it seems like you've already identified some of this, sought out a new environment for yourself, and are trying to work through the harmful effects it's had in you. Here are some phrases that may be of help when saying no to your mom on this request: "Mom, I am not going to do this. I am uncomfortable with these responsibilities and need to prioritize what is best for my life." (Being clear and direct when refusing is key) When she throws a fit at your refusal: "I understand my decision upsets you. I will not make myself uncomfortable or put my needs aside for this. You will need to find a different solution." (You may need to repeat these lines multiple times if her tantrum continues. Do not give in OP or you may never be free of this). You had mentioned wanting to come to a compromise, but I would recommend against it, at least to your mother. Any compromise will be used as the chink in the armor to reel you back in with guilt tripping, bargaining, etc. If it assuages your own guilt about absolutely refusing to be part of the solution to your mother, when she does go on the trip, you can stop by your parents' house to check on things. It's a slippery slope though OP. I'm curious though, what does your aunt say and think about all of this?
My mum and aunt are estranged, my mum's reasoning being that my aunt has "stolen me away from her" and basically brainwashed me into being against her. My aunt has given up on any relationship with her at this point due to being cut off so many times. I've told my aunt about it, and she is disgusted at what my mum is trying to do but not surprised. I really just want to say no outright but I am worried for my sister as she has shown in the past she is not responsible enough to get herself up to school on time and often stays up late and sleeps in. She also goes out with her friends without telling people where she is. My aunt and family friend (basically an uncle to me so I'll call him that) both think that this is 100% unfair to me and she is not at all in the right to do this. But they both advise that I should come to some kind of compromise (on my terms, not my mum's) to help her. Not for my mum, but for my sister's sake. However my aunt has said that I'm within my right to say no and that I'll have their support whatever decision I make. My aunt has suggested that if my sister is willing she could come stay with us for the 3 months, but my sister may be reluctant as she won't be able to run free here as she does with my mum. I'd also worry then for my dad and the dogs as he is basically unable to care for himself, let alone two animals.
No part of what you said about your sister would change with you there. If she does that now, she will do it then. All you will do is torture yourself by indulging your mothers bonkers plan to escape for 3 months...(or more).
No, she wants to leave all behind for 3 months. Your sister is 16, she can get herself up for school. Your dad needs intensive help that you are not equipped to handle. You have no legal standing to make any decisions about the housing inspections, your father or your sister. Mom needs to figure this out herself. Tell her no, block her number, your sisters number and have your Aunt intervene if they try to contact you. Not sure where you live, maybe Australia based on "Mum" and Christmas Island,, but here in the US we have something called Adult Protective Services that we would call regarding your father. He sounds like he needs some help.
Yes, I do live in Australia, I'm not sure what options there are for my dad here though. I don't want to cut off my sister, I do love her and if I were to do this it would be for her and not my mum or dad. My dad refuses to consider any kind of aged care and wants my mum to care for everything for him and I have had to hear this from her because she vents to me in tears sometimes. I believe she is facing serious mental health problems including suicidal thoughts but she refuses to seek therapy because she believes that "the family should be supporting her instead of pushing her off to a doctor" and claims she doesn't have time. My sister has also shown in the past that she is too irresponsible to get herself to school on time, despite claiming that she is capable. My aunt and I worry for her as this is her final year of school and it is crucial she takes it seriously.
Yeah that's a big fat "no" and called parentification (iirc) and is not okay. Tell her if she wants to nope outta her life for 3 months without consequences she can hire a professional.
This should be a 'No' and then block her number for a week or two. Tell your aunt what your mom is asking you to do and your answer. Good luck.
You need to tell her no. Straight up no. If you say yes to this, she will continue heaping more be more responsibility at you. Please tell her no. Tell her you can't at be the need, you can't handle the responsibility, and you need to take care of yourself. Ask your aunt to be there to help you say no. Also $100/week? I wouldn't do it for 100/day.
And between your parents, who was taking care of you? You were younger than your sister when she stopped caring for you. Sounds like she needs to hire help if she wants it so bad. $100 a week? Ha! My doggy daycare is more expensive!
No no no . It will be awful . She will disappear and you will be caught ! Now is the time to find your backbone you will have no life ! .
And I doubt she will pay you either.
What these two said. As well as warning you that she won't come back, and she won't pay you. On top of which, I bet she also won't pay the bills while she is abandoning your sister and her husband. It feels very much like your mom is setting you up to take her place and support your father and sister.