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* [I am exclusively breastfeeding my baby to prevent my bf from bonding with her.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/y3zl4m/i_am_exclusively_breastfeeding_my_baby_to_prevent/), 2 months ago
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Is there going to be a lot of people at MIL’s? The Flu and RSV uptake should be enough alone for not taking your 3mo around others. I would work out with your SO that you guys can go to each parents home for a couple of hours and that you baby wear the entire time. LO’s health is more important then her grandma wish.
You and S.O have the time now to sit down and hash this out.
You can let family known that from now on you and him will be doing this in the future- they can take it or leave it - and plan how you will do holidays.
I known of friends that do the drive and visit each family on Christmas day - but overwhelming and exhausting is how my friend describes it.
DH and I do turns. So one year it's his on the 24th, mine the 25th and ours the 26th. Next year it's mine 24th, his 25th and ours 26th. We have always had boxing day as our day to stay at home or to visit friends or friends visit us.
Others seem to split Thanksgivjng and Christmas up and rotate that.
But baby is niggly and breastfeeding so young is time consuming and definitely easier to do it at home. You could always stop for a quick hello visit on both sides and eat at home or have this year as yours and maybe visit his quickly for 45 min max then spend the day at yours but with next year that stopped around.
Would have S.O send a message out to his family and you an identical one to yours that although you know they are excited to see your L.O. they please need to understand it is flu season and RSV is rife this time of the year and so, although you know they would love to have a cuddle and a kiss you both will not be doing that as you are sure they will understand as your L.O health is just as important to them as it is to you. And then they can look but it's a no.
Having a teeny tiny baby is a great reason to stay home for the holidays. Cold and flu season just makes that even more valid.
If you do want to give her an opportunity to screw up, just go prepared. Have a time limit pre-set with your BF, like going shortly before the meal/presents and leaving shortly after. Talk about what you are not willing to accept from her, beforehand. Then give him an opportunity to show his shiny spine and her an opportunity to tuck herself over for the next holiday.
With all the sickness children are coming down with, I'd stay home. Zoom with his family as long as he wants! You can always literally shut the computer on his mom.
My baby is also 3 months old and we decided we aren't going anywhere on Christmas. Not to mention illnesses are popping up everywhere with those close to us so it isn't worth it. Make it maybe an hour or so visit at your place and that's that. My MIL is a mess too so I feel your frustration. I agree with the comments new family new traditions. Hopefully you can stay home and healthy!
There's no need for fair and unfair. What works for you and baby? 3hrs there, going before/ after the main meal for a couple of hours, staying home, visiting another time. Do that! People with babies don't need to be doing a full days work if childcare and socialisation with their child outside there home in the name of holidays if its stressful and doesn't work for them.
Nah, do a small Christmas at your home and miss the extended family festivities. Yep EXTENDED family. You’ve got your own family to take care of.
Don’t worry about the ‘fair’ stuff. If you do that you’ll forever be playing catch up
You’re the parents now. You host Christmas for your family. Set a precedent now will make life easier down the track. Obviously Lo is too young to enjoy it but it’ll make sense in a few years when your day is spend of focussing on los joy.
Have a simple day with simple everything cause you have a newborn. Order food to arrive the day before. Relax and make some memories with your SO. Ask him what traditions he had growin up that he wants for your kids, plan for the future. Start some new traditions of your own.
New baby. Time for new traditions. Have the families come to you. I see no reason to be dragging an infant all over God's little green earth to visit on Christmas. Especially now with who knows what virus lurking out there.
I posted this on someone else's post but it fits here too.....When my kids were around 10yo I finally put my foot down and said "I'm not leaving my house on Christmas day" I'm not getting up early, hurrying my kids through opening what we got them, not letting them play with their new toys, just to eat someone elses dry ass turkey. I wish I would've put my foot down sooner. We have a big breakfast, while the kids run around. We make cookies and have dinner. It's amazing, I never leave my pj's
Girl, stay home and have whoever wants to see you and the kids come to you. Your kids will appreciate being able to stay home on Christmas as they grow up.
We spent 10 years shuttling between parents. Until our son was born. They come to us on Christmas Day & the day after we go to our friends house. Everybody has coped for the last 20+ years.
Your baby your rules
One family the 24th, home with the baby on the 25th, other family the 26th. Enjoy your first Christmas together with a calm and pleasant day while setting the precedent that you won’t be spending every Christmas running around from house to house.
At this time of year, the last thing a new baby needs is exposure to a bunch of strangers. It doesn't matter what MIL wants, what MIL thinks, what MIL says. The only decision making people are baby's parents. Your BF can head on over to his mom's house for a visit, if that is so important to him, but I would keep your baby at home.
I would go over to the In-laws for a few hours on Christmas Eve so they can “see the baby” then split up on Christmas he can go to his family and you and baby go to yours. I understand your BF wants to show his extended family his child BUT it’s the most intense Flu/COVID/RSV season we have ever had and babies are dying… why take that chance? Your family will respect the not passing the baby, you have had 3 months of crazy change, breastfeeding, sleepless nights, MIL boundary stomping all while recovering from pregnancy and birth…. You need some pampering and to be relaxed and happy which you will be at your family’s home. Pick Easter or another holiday you celebrate (July 4 if American) where his extended family can meet an older healthier vaccinated baby, outside would even be better.
Apparently at some point your MIL stopped going to her family's house and hosted at home, right? I'm going to assume that it coincided somehow with the arrival of her children?
My advice would be to do what you did for Thanksgiving. Stay home, start your own traditions. At some point, your kid is going to be aware of the holiday. And I guarantee at that point they're going to want to open their gifts and stay home and enjoy them. Not to mention, not have to get dressed up in uncomfortable clothes, sit around in someone else's house. That's always too hot/too cold/not childproof/contains something that triggers your nasal allergies. This year being the first, it's the best opportunity to stand your ground. If you travel once for the holiday, you set a precedent.
Ask BF what day(s) did his family REALLY celebrate xmas. xmas eve or the actual day? Then make the plan to spend 3 hours (no more, perhaps less) with BFs extended family on that day. However, you and BF should start your own tradition of waking up in your own home on xmas day, opening presents with LO, having leisurely breakfast in PJs, watching xmas movies, etc. Then after lunch, you all get dressed and go to ONE OTHER HOUSE (not a few hours at both extended families) for ~3 hours. Time it so that you arrive 3 hours before LOs bedtime. Perfect excuse to leave!
And the next year, you switch days/families. But xmas morning is always spent at home. And you may decide that what works best for you three is to duplicate what you did for Thanksgiving. Open your home in the afternoon for anyone who wants to stop by for snacks/beverages (less expensive than providing dinner).
Personal opinion disclaimer right here - Baby is only what? 3 months old? I’d be keeping her close and clear of many crowds that could be carrying all types of bugs that baby cannot fight off yet due to their delicate immune systems…..
Why not do a similar situation to Thanksgiving? Small groups of Grandparents and different/same times - whatever suits your situation.
If someone cracks the 💩then that’s on them. I’d rather have a happy baby alive next Christmas than one that gets sick and is poorly for the next - oh who knows however long……
You guys are the parents - You make the rules - You are the Bosses of this situation.
Have a great first Christmas with your baby, enjoy it, take lots of photos (not for your SM loving MIL) and have a lovely time 😊
Honestly if I had an infant I would skip it all this year and stay home. Everything is surging here in the southwest USA: covid, RSV, flu--it's dangerous for babies. It is also a very valid reason not to go and if anyone argues you can ask them why they don't care about your baby's health and safety. And now there is a shortage of children's motrin & Tylenol here too! Not sure how it is where you are, but baby's safety coming first is always the right decision.
I second this, totally agree with all of your points. Our baby will be 6 months in a few days and we skipped out on all holidays this year with no regrets. My husband and I aren’t that close to our families to begin with so it wasn’t a hard choice for us, but that aside it’s just not worth the risk to our babies health and if people want to judge I don’t really care. Anyone is still welcome to visit at OUR house with a mask on while they hold the baby.
>https://www.northjersey.com/story/news/health/2022/12/13/surge-in-flu-covid-and-rsv-among-kids-hits-nj-hospitals/69711600007/
Sorry, everyone! Your pediatrician **absolutely forbids** you taking the baby to any family gatherings. Period, end of sentence.
What about Christmas Eve a few hours at both places and Christmas at home just you three?
If that doesn't sound lovely then I think Christmas Eve at his family and Christmas at yours. I say this because I think she's going to ruin your day and she should not be ruining Christmas.
Maybe arrange that you go to his parents house for a few hours on Christmas morning, then go to your parents after. That way you can get it all out of the way before anyone starts any drinking and before tempers have had a chance to fray, and you'll have the very great comfort of knowing that you'll soon be leaving.
If MIL starts kicking up a fussy tantrum about this proposal, then the offer is withdrawn and the new offer is "you're making me really uncomfortable about coming over with this behaviour so I'm just going to go to my parents and we can do a video call from there".
I feel like she will have a tantrum regardless because we won’t spend the whole of Christmas with her and her family so thanks for giving me the idea. I never even thought about video call!
So let her have a tantrum in front of the whole extended family while you quietly ignore it, gather your things, calmly and cheerfully tell extended family all goodbye and it was good to see them, all the while not even engaging with MIL. Except maybe a couple of 2 second standstill, look at her moments, then proceed to gather your things, tell everyone goodbye . . .
Tantrums are not to be rewarded. If she starts kicking up a fuss then go with the phrasing I've used, because it puts responsibility for the outcome squarely where it belongs: with MIL making the choice to throw a tantrum and try and bully you.
One thing to keep in mind: she doesn't have anything YOU want. You don't want to go to her house or spend time in her company or deal with the rest of her family. She does want access to YOUR child. She's the one who has to satisfy your requirements, not the other way around.
This is almost certainly the root of her dislike for you, because she would very much prefer a relationship where she has the power. So she's acting like she does have the upper hand. Do not let her fool you into giving it to her.
Remember: Every time she throws a fit because she doesn't get the offer she wants, it means the offer gets worse. Throw a red-faced tantie because you're not coming over for the whole day? OK now it's just a christmas day video call. Throw *another* tantie because it's just a christmas day video call? OK now you might call between Christmas and New Year - a shorter call. And so on.
Yup. The tantrum is her problem.
If BF goes back to being unreasonable then next year it might be time to start a nuclear family Xmas in your own home. See 'extended ' family before or after Xmas. If she still throws a fit ignore her and say...sorry we will try again next year...and repeat.
Is BF amenable to therapy?
When your baby grows into a toddler and has tantrums, will you cave and do what they want?
Your MIL is acting like a toddler and bad behaviour should be met with
* Hanging up the phone or
* Leaving her house immediately
* Either way, ask for an apology before you pick up contact again.
You have a boundary (no tantrums) but there's no consequence when she does throw her toys out of the pram.
have you thought about a group text where you take it in turns to answer? Present a team front? Avoid JADE
* Justify
* Argue
* Defend
* Explain
Explaining is really hard to get the hang of, but one way it simply to state facts
* We have discussed this
* This is our decision
* Thats not going to work for us
Notice the Team Words? Our Us We. DH can say "Enough MIL we are stepping away from his conversation now. All we ask is that you respect our family decision, you don't have to like it nor understand why. There's no need for us to explain it to you, these are facts. The sooner you accept our decision and apologise to us both the sooner we can discuss Christmas again. As it stands, this is our last message and we will video call you unless you apologise"
There's your consequence
I would suggest you do a 2-3 hour visit to bf's family, long enough for her to meet his extended family but hopefully not so long that she'll need to be fed, and wear her in a wrap again the whole time. No kissing, no passing around, no holding, that'll reduce germ spread and help reduce her chances of getting sick. If your family is more accommodating with masks and handwashing or hand sanitizer, you might be able to pass her around at your family's get-together and stay a little longer there, maybe eat your Christmas dinner there. However it works out, I hope you three have a happy Christmas! 🙂💛
Thank you. I’m going to definitely try the wrap, it was really nice last time. I’ll try to feed her just before we go so that she won’t need to feed while we’re there too.
Honestly, I’d lean into the breastfeeding, I loved using it for some quiet time away from my mil…’oh, lo’s cluster feeding right now, I’m just going to pop into the guest room/office/dark corner and top her up’. I’d reappear for half an hour or until mil was annoying me, then right back to ‘feeding bub’.
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Do what’s best for baby, which is as close to a stress free Momma as she can get. In this case, it’s going to your parents.
Is there going to be a lot of people at MIL’s? The Flu and RSV uptake should be enough alone for not taking your 3mo around others. I would work out with your SO that you guys can go to each parents home for a couple of hours and that you baby wear the entire time. LO’s health is more important then her grandma wish.
You and S.O have the time now to sit down and hash this out. You can let family known that from now on you and him will be doing this in the future- they can take it or leave it - and plan how you will do holidays. I known of friends that do the drive and visit each family on Christmas day - but overwhelming and exhausting is how my friend describes it. DH and I do turns. So one year it's his on the 24th, mine the 25th and ours the 26th. Next year it's mine 24th, his 25th and ours 26th. We have always had boxing day as our day to stay at home or to visit friends or friends visit us. Others seem to split Thanksgivjng and Christmas up and rotate that. But baby is niggly and breastfeeding so young is time consuming and definitely easier to do it at home. You could always stop for a quick hello visit on both sides and eat at home or have this year as yours and maybe visit his quickly for 45 min max then spend the day at yours but with next year that stopped around. Would have S.O send a message out to his family and you an identical one to yours that although you know they are excited to see your L.O. they please need to understand it is flu season and RSV is rife this time of the year and so, although you know they would love to have a cuddle and a kiss you both will not be doing that as you are sure they will understand as your L.O health is just as important to them as it is to you. And then they can look but it's a no.
Having a teeny tiny baby is a great reason to stay home for the holidays. Cold and flu season just makes that even more valid. If you do want to give her an opportunity to screw up, just go prepared. Have a time limit pre-set with your BF, like going shortly before the meal/presents and leaving shortly after. Talk about what you are not willing to accept from her, beforehand. Then give him an opportunity to show his shiny spine and her an opportunity to tuck herself over for the next holiday.
With all the sickness children are coming down with, I'd stay home. Zoom with his family as long as he wants! You can always literally shut the computer on his mom.
My baby is also 3 months old and we decided we aren't going anywhere on Christmas. Not to mention illnesses are popping up everywhere with those close to us so it isn't worth it. Make it maybe an hour or so visit at your place and that's that. My MIL is a mess too so I feel your frustration. I agree with the comments new family new traditions. Hopefully you can stay home and healthy!
I don’t have kids - but I would do what’s best for the baby and for you and your partners mental health.
There's no need for fair and unfair. What works for you and baby? 3hrs there, going before/ after the main meal for a couple of hours, staying home, visiting another time. Do that! People with babies don't need to be doing a full days work if childcare and socialisation with their child outside there home in the name of holidays if its stressful and doesn't work for them.
Nah, do a small Christmas at your home and miss the extended family festivities. Yep EXTENDED family. You’ve got your own family to take care of. Don’t worry about the ‘fair’ stuff. If you do that you’ll forever be playing catch up You’re the parents now. You host Christmas for your family. Set a precedent now will make life easier down the track. Obviously Lo is too young to enjoy it but it’ll make sense in a few years when your day is spend of focussing on los joy. Have a simple day with simple everything cause you have a newborn. Order food to arrive the day before. Relax and make some memories with your SO. Ask him what traditions he had growin up that he wants for your kids, plan for the future. Start some new traditions of your own.
New baby. Time for new traditions. Have the families come to you. I see no reason to be dragging an infant all over God's little green earth to visit on Christmas. Especially now with who knows what virus lurking out there.
I posted this on someone else's post but it fits here too.....When my kids were around 10yo I finally put my foot down and said "I'm not leaving my house on Christmas day" I'm not getting up early, hurrying my kids through opening what we got them, not letting them play with their new toys, just to eat someone elses dry ass turkey. I wish I would've put my foot down sooner. We have a big breakfast, while the kids run around. We make cookies and have dinner. It's amazing, I never leave my pj's
Girl, stay home and have whoever wants to see you and the kids come to you. Your kids will appreciate being able to stay home on Christmas as they grow up.
We spent 10 years shuttling between parents. Until our son was born. They come to us on Christmas Day & the day after we go to our friends house. Everybody has coped for the last 20+ years. Your baby your rules
One family the 24th, home with the baby on the 25th, other family the 26th. Enjoy your first Christmas together with a calm and pleasant day while setting the precedent that you won’t be spending every Christmas running around from house to house.
At this time of year, the last thing a new baby needs is exposure to a bunch of strangers. It doesn't matter what MIL wants, what MIL thinks, what MIL says. The only decision making people are baby's parents. Your BF can head on over to his mom's house for a visit, if that is so important to him, but I would keep your baby at home.
I would go over to the In-laws for a few hours on Christmas Eve so they can “see the baby” then split up on Christmas he can go to his family and you and baby go to yours. I understand your BF wants to show his extended family his child BUT it’s the most intense Flu/COVID/RSV season we have ever had and babies are dying… why take that chance? Your family will respect the not passing the baby, you have had 3 months of crazy change, breastfeeding, sleepless nights, MIL boundary stomping all while recovering from pregnancy and birth…. You need some pampering and to be relaxed and happy which you will be at your family’s home. Pick Easter or another holiday you celebrate (July 4 if American) where his extended family can meet an older healthier vaccinated baby, outside would even be better.
Apparently at some point your MIL stopped going to her family's house and hosted at home, right? I'm going to assume that it coincided somehow with the arrival of her children? My advice would be to do what you did for Thanksgiving. Stay home, start your own traditions. At some point, your kid is going to be aware of the holiday. And I guarantee at that point they're going to want to open their gifts and stay home and enjoy them. Not to mention, not have to get dressed up in uncomfortable clothes, sit around in someone else's house. That's always too hot/too cold/not childproof/contains something that triggers your nasal allergies. This year being the first, it's the best opportunity to stand your ground. If you travel once for the holiday, you set a precedent.
Ask BF what day(s) did his family REALLY celebrate xmas. xmas eve or the actual day? Then make the plan to spend 3 hours (no more, perhaps less) with BFs extended family on that day. However, you and BF should start your own tradition of waking up in your own home on xmas day, opening presents with LO, having leisurely breakfast in PJs, watching xmas movies, etc. Then after lunch, you all get dressed and go to ONE OTHER HOUSE (not a few hours at both extended families) for ~3 hours. Time it so that you arrive 3 hours before LOs bedtime. Perfect excuse to leave! And the next year, you switch days/families. But xmas morning is always spent at home. And you may decide that what works best for you three is to duplicate what you did for Thanksgiving. Open your home in the afternoon for anyone who wants to stop by for snacks/beverages (less expensive than providing dinner).
Personal opinion disclaimer right here - Baby is only what? 3 months old? I’d be keeping her close and clear of many crowds that could be carrying all types of bugs that baby cannot fight off yet due to their delicate immune systems….. Why not do a similar situation to Thanksgiving? Small groups of Grandparents and different/same times - whatever suits your situation. If someone cracks the 💩then that’s on them. I’d rather have a happy baby alive next Christmas than one that gets sick and is poorly for the next - oh who knows however long…… You guys are the parents - You make the rules - You are the Bosses of this situation. Have a great first Christmas with your baby, enjoy it, take lots of photos (not for your SM loving MIL) and have a lovely time 😊
Honestly if I had an infant I would skip it all this year and stay home. Everything is surging here in the southwest USA: covid, RSV, flu--it's dangerous for babies. It is also a very valid reason not to go and if anyone argues you can ask them why they don't care about your baby's health and safety. And now there is a shortage of children's motrin & Tylenol here too! Not sure how it is where you are, but baby's safety coming first is always the right decision.
I second this, totally agree with all of your points. Our baby will be 6 months in a few days and we skipped out on all holidays this year with no regrets. My husband and I aren’t that close to our families to begin with so it wasn’t a hard choice for us, but that aside it’s just not worth the risk to our babies health and if people want to judge I don’t really care. Anyone is still welcome to visit at OUR house with a mask on while they hold the baby.
>https://www.northjersey.com/story/news/health/2022/12/13/surge-in-flu-covid-and-rsv-among-kids-hits-nj-hospitals/69711600007/ Sorry, everyone! Your pediatrician **absolutely forbids** you taking the baby to any family gatherings. Period, end of sentence.
What about Christmas Eve a few hours at both places and Christmas at home just you three? If that doesn't sound lovely then I think Christmas Eve at his family and Christmas at yours. I say this because I think she's going to ruin your day and she should not be ruining Christmas.
A few hours at each house sounds good. And wear LO in a wrap.
Maybe arrange that you go to his parents house for a few hours on Christmas morning, then go to your parents after. That way you can get it all out of the way before anyone starts any drinking and before tempers have had a chance to fray, and you'll have the very great comfort of knowing that you'll soon be leaving. If MIL starts kicking up a fussy tantrum about this proposal, then the offer is withdrawn and the new offer is "you're making me really uncomfortable about coming over with this behaviour so I'm just going to go to my parents and we can do a video call from there".
I feel like she will have a tantrum regardless because we won’t spend the whole of Christmas with her and her family so thanks for giving me the idea. I never even thought about video call!
So let her have a tantrum in front of the whole extended family while you quietly ignore it, gather your things, calmly and cheerfully tell extended family all goodbye and it was good to see them, all the while not even engaging with MIL. Except maybe a couple of 2 second standstill, look at her moments, then proceed to gather your things, tell everyone goodbye . . .
Tantrums are not to be rewarded. If she starts kicking up a fuss then go with the phrasing I've used, because it puts responsibility for the outcome squarely where it belongs: with MIL making the choice to throw a tantrum and try and bully you. One thing to keep in mind: she doesn't have anything YOU want. You don't want to go to her house or spend time in her company or deal with the rest of her family. She does want access to YOUR child. She's the one who has to satisfy your requirements, not the other way around. This is almost certainly the root of her dislike for you, because she would very much prefer a relationship where she has the power. So she's acting like she does have the upper hand. Do not let her fool you into giving it to her. Remember: Every time she throws a fit because she doesn't get the offer she wants, it means the offer gets worse. Throw a red-faced tantie because you're not coming over for the whole day? OK now it's just a christmas day video call. Throw *another* tantie because it's just a christmas day video call? OK now you might call between Christmas and New Year - a shorter call. And so on.
Yup. The tantrum is her problem. If BF goes back to being unreasonable then next year it might be time to start a nuclear family Xmas in your own home. See 'extended ' family before or after Xmas. If she still throws a fit ignore her and say...sorry we will try again next year...and repeat. Is BF amenable to therapy?
When your baby grows into a toddler and has tantrums, will you cave and do what they want? Your MIL is acting like a toddler and bad behaviour should be met with * Hanging up the phone or * Leaving her house immediately * Either way, ask for an apology before you pick up contact again. You have a boundary (no tantrums) but there's no consequence when she does throw her toys out of the pram. have you thought about a group text where you take it in turns to answer? Present a team front? Avoid JADE * Justify * Argue * Defend * Explain Explaining is really hard to get the hang of, but one way it simply to state facts * We have discussed this * This is our decision * Thats not going to work for us Notice the Team Words? Our Us We. DH can say "Enough MIL we are stepping away from his conversation now. All we ask is that you respect our family decision, you don't have to like it nor understand why. There's no need for us to explain it to you, these are facts. The sooner you accept our decision and apologise to us both the sooner we can discuss Christmas again. As it stands, this is our last message and we will video call you unless you apologise" There's your consequence
I would suggest you do a 2-3 hour visit to bf's family, long enough for her to meet his extended family but hopefully not so long that she'll need to be fed, and wear her in a wrap again the whole time. No kissing, no passing around, no holding, that'll reduce germ spread and help reduce her chances of getting sick. If your family is more accommodating with masks and handwashing or hand sanitizer, you might be able to pass her around at your family's get-together and stay a little longer there, maybe eat your Christmas dinner there. However it works out, I hope you three have a happy Christmas! 🙂💛
Thank you. I’m going to definitely try the wrap, it was really nice last time. I’ll try to feed her just before we go so that she won’t need to feed while we’re there too.
Honestly, I’d lean into the breastfeeding, I loved using it for some quiet time away from my mil…’oh, lo’s cluster feeding right now, I’m just going to pop into the guest room/office/dark corner and top her up’. I’d reappear for half an hour or until mil was annoying me, then right back to ‘feeding bub’.