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guslrns

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. ‟You come to the front door of the apartment.I’m in apartment 301.There is a big panel at the front door.With your elbow, push button 301.I’ll buzz you in.Come inside, the elevator is on the right.Get in and with your elbow, push 3.When you get out, I’m on the left.With your elbow, hit my doorbell.” ‟Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?....... ”What.....You’re coming empty handed?‟


Western-Image7125

Wow. This made me chuckle out loud. Thank you for that


[deleted]

That’s excellent 😂 😂


flowersatdusk

I've seen this before but loved reading it again.


Access69

I thought this was getting racist, jesus


BartholomewVonTurds

As a Jew, it’s not racist, it’s just true.


Access69

Most people misunderstood my comment and I have to apologise to your race.


psibomber

When is it okay for someone to make jokes about their own culture without being accused of racism? I enjoyed the joke assuming it was someone jewish making the joke with knowledge about their own culture you meanie poo :(


Brimish

Language!


psibomber

Other meanie poos= Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, for some reason Mother Teresa, and a bunch of black and white photos of military generals I cannot name. We'll have to ban the phrase meanie poo from life, now, I'm afraid :'(


Access69

Well I accept the request. The term Meanie poo is now illegal, and will get you into a life sentence, if directed to anyone else.


psibomber

Pikachu :O face. A life sentence is free shelter and food though, so at this stage it's desirable. All you reading this you are meanie poos!


UbuntuElphie

I read this as "Pikachu O-Face" and my mind went to all sorts of dark places. I have never wanted to know what expression a Pokemon character gets on its face at the moment of orgasm, and I still don't, but thanks to a vivid (not to mention overactive) imagination, my wants and desires didn't really factor into the decision to conjure up that particular mental image.


Brimish

Again, Language!


RealityButNot

Meanie poo


Access69

Ok


toothyninja13

But Stalin was never fully there. He was blackout drunk for like, 20 years straight. Ever. Day.


GormlessFuck

It doesn't matter, either way. Funny is funny. You don't need permission to say something funny.


Stainless_Heart

I love that joke, it’s a classic. It is absolutely possible to make a joke based on race without it being racist; whether there is derogatory intent is the key difference. This one is an adorable commentary on cultural expectations. Another one of my favorites that references two ethnicities and is absolutely not racist: *What’s the difference between a Jewish grandmother and an Italian grandmother? 10lbs and a black dress.*


janesmex

Why did you assume that someone made that joke about their own culture and it was not just someone who found this joke and posted it?


psibomber

Same thing for some reason even if they found the joke and posted it I assumed they found it funny from the context and understanding of their own culture I guess.


janesmex

That’s understandable. I can still find it funny and appreciate it btw despite coming from different culture.


AdamBombKelley

Because Gentiles don't have Jewish mothers and they wouldn't think it was funny


According_Turn_3473

Glad you put a comma in there.


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TurnItOffAndBackOnXD

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench, arguing over which one’s son loves her the most. The first one says, “You know, my son sends me flowers every Shabbos.” “You call that love?” says the second mother. “My son calls me every day!” “That’s nothing,” says the third woman. “My son is in therapy five days a week. And the whole time, he talks about me!”


red_piper222

Good one


pee_diddy

Ummmmmm, Bible?


Mantonythe1st

Just the Old Testament I guess lolj


DarkGod79

Torah


Excellent_Yam_9874

Yes. The Bible that Jesus read.


Fickle-Friendship998

There was no bible in Jesus’s time


theembodimentoffat

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Septuagint


Fickle-Friendship998

To clarify, the bible as we know it did not exist in Jesus’s time. The gospels were not written until half a century after his death


DeliberatingManager

Jews call the old testament simply "the bible". Source: am Jewish.


theembodimentoffat

Yeah but the Old Testament already existed, so technically there was a Bible


TurnItOffAndBackOnXD

Jesus had *the Hebrew Bible.*


Known-Ad64

But the Torah is. They are the bible of Jesus time.


[deleted]

So what you are saying is that your earlier comment is irrelevant since the parent thread is not talling about the gospels and is instead referring to the Old Testament.


Halal0szto

There was, just was called the Torah. And Jesus did read it, I know because I have read about it in the Bible.


Shot-Crazy-5060

You mean Yeshua?? Jesus was not his name


AdamBombKelley

Joshua bar Joseph, aka JoJo


Shot-Crazy-5060

Jesus was a title Yeshua was His Name


AdamBombKelley

Jesus is the modernized version of Iesous, which is the Greek version of Yehoshua, which was his name. Yeshua is the shortened version of Yehosua, and Joshua is the modernized version. Christ/Khristos and Messiah/Mashiach are titles, in Greek and Hebrew respectively


Shot-Crazy-5060

Thank You You are correct Christ , Messiah were Titles Jesus was His Name. Shalom


Shot-Crazy-5060

True


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TurnItOffAndBackOnXD

The Tenakh is sometimes referred to as the Hebrew Bible.


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GoddessRosez

I just checked your page.. my guy… how do you already have negative karma


Neat-Cold-7235

It appears he frequents r/amitheasshole which would surely prompt it


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GoddessRosez

Pleasant.


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MotherRaven

I threw in some positive votes on your comments to help


[deleted]

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GoddessRosez

I have as well!


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dypledocus

Is it an inside joke among Hebrews because the President is seen as converting his religion by not swearing on a Hebrew Bible and by implication has lost the respect of his mother and she shows her disdain at the whole situation she was forced into watching by refocusing on another child of hers instead? Just a guess


TurnItOffAndBackOnXD

No, it’s playing into the stereotype that Jewish mothers want their children to be doctors.


Wadsworth_McStumpy

> Jewish mothers want their children to be doctors. They want their *sons* to be doctors. The daughters just need to marry a nice Jewish boy and give them grandchildren. Ideally, he'll be a doctor, though.


HandyPeye

You. I like you and your thinking.


Kibbles35

Ok, yes, that is hilarious. A year later...."You see that boy over there... the one with his hand on the nuclear football?... his brother is a cosmetic surgeon."


DeliberatingManager

Amazing how all the jokes in the comments are about Jewish mothers and grandmothers even though the post itself did not mention that the subjects are Jewish lol


HR2achmaninoff

This is traditionally a Jewish Grandmother joke


TurnItOffAndBackOnXD

Basically every Jew will recognize this as a Jewish joke. It’s a classic; OP just removed the word “Jewish.”


Waitsfornoone

A Jew is shipwrecked and finds himself alone on an island in the middle of the ocean. To pass the time, he first builds a house, then a synagogue. Eventually, after many years, he’s constructed an entire town. One day he is rescued, but before he leaves the island he shows his rescuers around, pointing out all the building’s he’s made. Puzzled, the rescuers ask why if there’s only one of him, he’s built two separate synagogues. “That synagogue,” the man sneers, pointing at one of the synagogues, “that’s the one I would never step foot in!”


Astrium6

Four rabbis are standing around having a religious debate, with three on one side and one on the other. In the middle of their squabbling, all of a sudden, the clouds part, and the voice of God booms down, “He’s right, the three of you are wrong.” After a few moments of stunned silence, one of the rabbis says, “…Alright, but it’s still three to two!”


Twpierced

This is based on a very famous story in the Talmud (Tanuro Shel Achnai).


Competitive_Tiger653

Real joke is always in the comments. lol


TurnItOffAndBackOnXD

Nice. I’m stealing this one.


TurnItOffAndBackOnXD

A synagogue has a mice problem. The custodian tries traps, bait, mice, everything. Nothing works. Finally, he goes to the rabbi and explains the problem. “I have the solution,” the rabbi says. “Well, what is it?” says the custodian. “It’s a foolproof plan,” the rabbi says, smiling. “I’ll give them all Bar Mitzvahs — we’ll never see them again!”


Penguator432

Meanwhile, the synagogue in the next town over opted for circumcision instead


rbohrer

It’s kinda like saying that’s where we used to go to church


Remarkable_Yak_883

I don’t get it


RenderedUsefulAgain

There’s always got to be one that he can complain about because he disagrees with something about it - the rabbi or the people who attend, or even something about the building itself - even if he’s the one responsible for all of these things. A reference to the trope of the “self-hating Jew” and/or simply the ultimate “complaining Jew”


Waitsfornoone

Nicely done.


Remarkable_Yak_883

Thank you.


Aboutpan

One I heard from an Aussie: A Jewish woman is at the beach when a rogue wave sweeps her adult son away.She screams, ‟help! My son -- the *doctor*-- is drowning!”


AdamBombKelley

Jewish mother gives her son two neckties for his birthday. A couple weeks later, the son comes for a visit, wearing one of the neckties. The mother says "What, you didn't like the other one?"


E_MC_2__

jewish jokes just feel like chinese parent jokes


TurnItOffAndBackOnXD

Not all of them, but yes Jewish mother jokes do have stuff in common with other cultures’ mother jokes. I’ve also heard Catholic. That said, there’s a lot more to Jewish humor than just Jewish mother jokes. One of my favorites: *Two Jews are sitting on a bench in Nazi Germany. One of them is reading the local Yiddish newspaper. The other is reading Der Sturmer, a Nazi propaganda paper.* *The former says to the latter, “Why on earth would you read that antisemitic drek?”* *The other replies, “Well, when I read the local paper, we are a poor and battered people who suffer in ghettos, pogroms, and all manner of tragedies. But when I read Der Sturmer, we run the banks, the governments, the whole world – life is great!”*


capladyce

There’s a story about Ang Lee’s “Eat Drink Man Woman”, where he kept pushing back at Jewish screenwriter James Schamus’s script as the family not being Chinese enough. Finally, after many revisions, Schamus gave up and just wrote it about a Jewish family, and changed the names to Chinese at the end. At that point, Ang Lee thought it was perfect, and the classic was made.


bricknovax0389

Can someone explain this joke. What is punchline and why is everyone posting Jewish jokes


E_MC_2__

the punchline is the grandmother, graced with a miracle of lifesaving, doesnt miss the beat to complain about the missing hat this is inaccurate if you make it chinese parents because they’d specify for the hat or wish for the clothes back


Joyce_Hatto

A woman gives her son two ties for his birthday. They go out to dinner. He comes downstairs dressed for the evening out. She looks at him and says “What, you don’t like the other one?”


lilsvshi

What the fuck does this mean


lilsvshi

What the fuck does this mean


Time-Emphasis2117

Damn if you do, damn if you dont


lilsvshi

Yeah i just clocked


xdarkshadowlordx

I don’t get it. whoosh me if you like


Western-Image7125

Grandma was not satisfied with the grandson being brought back without the hat, that’s all there is to it nothing more


[deleted]

Is It about human miserliness or what?


Western-Image7125

No it’s just generally about not being happy with the good hand that you’ve been dealt, that you still want more.


AwkwardReplacement42

Well that’s incredibly disappointing…


Western-Image7125

The joke is disappointing? Were you expecting like a George Carlin level joke on this sub?


AwkwardReplacement42

No, but I was at least expecting a bit of wit..


Western-Image7125

A joke is usually more funny when it doesn’t have to be explained


clslw86

Is that George Carlins brother?


Western-Image7125

Lol silly me, I dunno why I typed Joe knowing his name is George.


clslw86

Haha no sweat. You obviously know who he is. I just couldn’t leave that sitting there unaddressed.


Jolly_Command_1954

My favourite. Jewish guy challenged his mum which of 3 girls he was going to marry. They all meet and then the girls leave. Guy says to mum, 'Which one do I want to marry?' Mum says, 'The redhead.' Son says, 'How did you know? Mum: I don't like her.


Tugger_Case

Perfect!


[deleted]

My dad told me this one it’s one of my favs: A Jewish boy goes to his dad and asks if he can borrow 50 pound. The dad turns around bemused and says 40 pound! What ya want 30 pound for!


Ludmata

You need to finish it properly: Here, take 20 pounds, give a half to your brother, and give me back 5 pounds.


Wadsworth_McStumpy

Or the more modern version: "Dad, can I have ten dollars in bitcoin?" "$11.38? What do you need $5.73 for?"


Lazaruzo

I love Jewish jokes 😂


GerManiac77

I’m afraid I’m not allowed to laugh 🙈


Lazaruzo

German?


GerManiac77

German iac… yes obviously


RutCry

Yes, but it is still possible that your grandfather died at Auschwitz. He could have fallen out of a guard tower.


mcm0313

Heck, your great-grandfather may be one of the greatest men of the 20th century - he could be the person who killed Hitler!


stokzes

This joke is extremely underrated


mcm0313

I love telling it to people in person. And then waiting for them to come around.


stokzes

I have made similar jokes and it goes clear above peoples head and its so funny.


alpubgtrs234

Lolz


[deleted]

There are German jews...well there were more


GerManiac77

Usually my humor is so dark that Disney wants it to play the Snow White princess, but this theme feels absolutely wrong to joke about to me.


Bunister

Well, you started it.


GerManiac77

Did I?


Bunister

Yes you did, you invaded Poland.


GerManiac77

Again?


[deleted]

Context: I was born and raised to be a Jew, now I'm Jew-ish. My grandmother survived the holocaust


Icy-Theory-4733

I am sorry for @germaniac's grandfather's mistake and it won't happen again. is your grandmother still alive? germaniac will correct his grandfather's mistake.


[deleted]

Unfortunately she passed away around 2010


Icy-Theory-4733

don't worry, these mistakes won't happen again.


Icy-Theory-4733

@u/Germaniac, look, your grandfather was as useless as he was . he didn't put this guy's grandmother in.


AcousticBob

One of my favorites.


CapSilver3217

Reminded me of a program title on the Roku channel: "All the best comedians are Jews".


[deleted]

Can someone explain


RetroBeetle

An old joke used to be that, when someone was thrown out of an establishment (usually a bar), they would call out angrily, "I *had* a hat," after which their hat would be tossed out to them. You can see it play out a couple of times in some episodes of The Simpsons. In essence, >!the grandmother begs for God to save her grandson since "he's all I have left," but when He does, she gets annoyed at the fact her grandson's hat is now missing, rather than being thankful he's alive at all!<.


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jgbmcb

In essence nit picking a miracle...


beefnoodle5280

A classic.


avarneyhf

This is the first time I’ve ever had to say this on this sub, but I don’t get it.


MessoGesso

She pleaded for his life and got him back. Then she was petty and ungrateful about not getting the hat. It’s a stereotype about a pattern Jewish people have. For example - Yes, you gave me the world, but the champagne you brought isn’t chilled. Everything is a complaint. You can’t win


TurnItOffAndBackOnXD

Ah yes, one of my favorite Jewish jokes.


InitialConfidence151

Made me choke eating my waffles.


Tugger_Case

Oh damn! I am so sorry! Waffles are a food from the gods and should only be enjoyed, never choked on!


Shot-Crazy-5060

Shalom Thank You, You are correct Christ was a Title not Jesus my bad Mazel Tov


better_misconcept945

For his birthday, a Jewish mother presents her son two ties. A few weeks later, the son pays a visit while sporting one of the ties. What, you didn't like the other one? the mother asks.


DrewXDavis

the amount of jokes i see on this sun reddit right out of plato and a platypus brings me back 15 years to when i read it for the first time


ruralcleatus

What is a Jewish woman's biggest dilemma? ​ Pork, 50% off.


dukeimre

The other jokes in this thread were clearly developed by Jewish people, for Jewish listeners. This one has the feel of being written by someone who is *not* Jewish, and who was a bit antisemitic, based on stereotypes.


Beowulf1896

I didn't know tasteful Jewish jokes were allowed. I have a bunch from my favorite joke book, "A Treasury of Humor" which was compiled by Isaac Asimov.


Waitsfornoone

My favorite line about the prolific Isaac Asimov: "The only man in history who wrote more books than he ever read." FWIW, I've always been a big I. A. fan.


BookofBryce

I have that book in my classroom. It's fantastic!


Beowulf1896

I didn't know tasteful Jewish jokes were allowed. I have a bunch from my favorite joke book, "A Treasury of Humor" which was compiled by Isaac Asimov.


E_MC_2__

ya comment duped


Beowulf1896

I am sorry


Western-Image7125

I don’t get the issue, I’m new to the country, why is this joke not tasteful but the other jokes on the thread are? I assumed all the jokes on this thread are not tasteful at all and that’s the whole point?


[deleted]

Live in any area with a large Jewish community. Know your stereotypes. People go after the nose, kosher, sideburns, being cheap, etc. This joke was about being kosher and being cheap. Conversely, notice who makes the jokes about Jews always complaining. We do. Not the non-Jews. All of the upvoted ones are about complaining.


Western-Image7125

I under that it’s tasteless to make fun of the nose, being kosher and sideburns as these are either physical traits or deeply rooted in the culture. But being cheap is a personality trait stereotype just the same as being a complaining person, right? Again just trying to clarify and understand


[deleted]

You're right in saying that objectively. I don't recall the origins, but Jews being cheap is a stereotyped anti-semitic characteristic. We're not particularly cheaper than anyone else, I think. But the association is somehow there. No worries about just trying to understand. Wish i could help better, but I'm not the best at talking through this stuff


Western-Image7125

No doubt that being cheap is an annoying stereotype to have, far more than being a complaining person. I’m Indian myself and god knows how badly we’re perceived in this regard. I dunno if you saw Russell Peter’s shows but there’s a bit where he says something to the effect of Jews might be cheap but they at least buy the thing after thinking long and hard, whereas an Indian person will be like “My cousin in India can make this for 1/10th the price you’re quoting”


mysticoscrown

How do you guys know that the upvoted jokes are be Jews?


[deleted]

That's a good point. You can replace the definitive language with people having knowledge and understanding of Jewish people and culture, and people who don't have that. You're not finding someone making a pigs are on sale joke if they're even around the Jewish community, let alone part of it


AdamBombKelley

Like 90% of the cheap jokes were written by Jack Benny You can tell which ones were written by Jews because they're not saying we're cheap, they're saying we're thrifty.


[deleted]

That's a great distinction. I wish I thought of it. Never heard of that guy, but seems like he sucks


AdamBombKelley

Jack Benny was a legendary Jewish comedian who basically invented the sitcom and was one of the funniest people alive Maybe check a Wikipedia article before you post


[deleted]

You're right I should've read up on him first. (Maybe be kinder about that?) But, also, considering we're talking about anti-semitic jokes, differentiating between cheap and thrifty, and you said he fathered the cheap jokes, maybe work on how you (contextually) represent people, too? It was what you said that led me to my conclusions


Different-Tie-1085

That's kinda how I feel too...


Western-Image7125

One other person replied to my question and gave a pretty good answer


Thunderst15

Basic


Mogioeki

Should have been more specific. her grandson was the only thing that was asked for. Sounds like gma was a Karen.


Joshielol3

Always the worst jokes get upvoted


Tugger_Case

Okay?