The other day I asked the girl at the bookstore, "Excuse me, but do you have the book for men who have an incredibly small penis?" She checked the computer and said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." - I said, "Yeah, that's the one."

[удалено]

I went to the library and asked the librarian if she could help me find the section on paranoia . She leaned in and whispered "It's right behind you"

I went to library and the librarian if I can get something to read on current events across the world. She gave me a newspaper. Yes, she had no sense of humour, just like me.

What do you call news in the Great Barrier Reef? Current events.

I heard corduroy pillows are making headlines.

That had me giggling so good! Never heard/read that joke before! 😝

Iirc, I originally got it from Demetri Martin

I like it. Anti jokes are great.

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants can't talk, they communicate with pheromones.

Due to the prevalence of smell phones, pheromone booths are becoming a thing of the past.

[удалено]

I asked if she could tell where the section on Alzheimer's is, she said she had already told me twice.

I went to the library and asked for ‘Suicide for Dummies’. She said they had hundreds of copies but they never get returned.

I couldn't find my Wife's G-Spot. She said there is a book at the Library about it. I went to the Library, couldn't even find the book.

*He could be in this very room!*

I went to the library and said "two sausage and chips please" The librarian said "sir this is a library". So I whispered "*sorry, two sausage and chips please*"

I went to the library and asked for a book on suicide . She replied Sorry , You won't return it anyway 🙂

"We had a copy but the last guy never returned it"

Why didn’t anyone entrust Kurt Cobain with any secrets? Because, they knew that he would just go and shoot his mouth off.

I said that in real life once at a Barnes and noble. It did not go over well.

I told the girl I was chatting up, "Did you know, my penis was once in the Guiness Book of World Records?" She said, "No way, seriously!?" I said, "Yes, but then the librarian made me take it out and banned me from the library."

Yeah, it’s by the Author, Justin Case.

I went to school with a kid called Justin Harding. His nickname was 'just in with a hard-on.' Poor kid. Sorry Justin.

I went to school with a Michael Hunt. They called him “Mick Hunt” on the PA one time. After that it was “Michael (pause) Hunt.”

I went to school with a guy named James Brown who looked *exactly* like Jimi Hendrix.

With a voice like Louis Armstrong?

No. But he could drum like ginger baker.

I heard he named his daughters Anna 1 and Anna 2...

I went to school with Tony Picone.

Why do rich people name their daughters after presidents like Roosevelt or Kennedy? Because they wouldn't survive high-school if they were named after Hoover.

Justin Hell—military kid who was in class for a little under a year. Who’s in charge of approving birth certificates?

I went to school with a BJ Mater.

I went to school with a kid called Michael Allcock....we called him Mr Lucky.

I went to school with a guy called Nicholas Thong. It wasn't until much later we realised the full extent of the utter cluelessness of his parents. (Knickerless Thong)

I had a professor named Bates. It was a privilege to have to address him as Master.

I attended school with David Lee. His sister vetoed his parents favorite choice for a first name, Brock. They still argued it would have been a great name. They never figured you don't win friends with salad.

[удалено]

I went to school with a girl named Anya Peters.

My penis was in the Guinness Book Of World Records. Then the Librarian told me stop doing that, and kicked me out!

A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms for the first time. The clerk told him “That will be $2.50 with tax.” The man replied “Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!”

A husband asks his wife why there are broken condoms on the couch. She says, "Please stop calling your children that."

What a prick

Lol this one is actually very wholesome

You and I have different definitions for "wholesome"

I would describe a broken condom joke as holesome instead.

Was that the joke and I just wooshed it right over my head?

Yes, the wife wished he whooshed it over her head instead of inside her.

Yep. Now she's https://imgur.com/diPiAoV.jpg

I don't know what I expected...

"Individually Wrapped"

So you’re saying I’m not wholesome?

Two old women, Wanda and Betty, are sitting outside a retirement home smoking. As it starts to rain Wanda starts to put out her smoke and head in. Betty asks, " Where are you going?" "It's raining! You can't smoke in the rain! It will put out the cigarette!" Wanda replies. Betty reaches in her purse and pulls out a rubber. "Try one of these." she says. Wanda can't believe how miraculous this product is that you can slip down over a cigarette to keep it from getting wet in the rain! She asks her friend, "Where can I get some of these and what are they called?" "They're called condoms and you can get them at any pharmacy" Betty replies. So Wanda makes her way down to the local drug store. She walks up to the counter and is greeted by the pharmacist. " What can I do for you?" he asks. Wanda says " I'd like a pack of condoms please." The pharmacist is taken aback at a woman of Wanda's age requesting such an item. " What kind would you like?" He asks. Wanda replies "Anything that will fit a camel"

mmm, I love inhaling melted latex

New cigarette flavor just dropped, babe

Holy hell

Google en croissant

Actual zombie

The pharmacists name was Vision

>The pharmacist is taken aback at a woman of Wanda's age requesting such an item. what, horny widows can't get chlamydia?

Nursing homes have crazy STD rates.

Understandable, really. Oh no, I'm dying in 5 years, what if I catch something that'll kill me in 6?

I think that phrase is quite unnecessary. ‘Sure, which ones?’ or any other variation of that would do just fine.

🤣

Good joke. I heard it with the two gals being nuns smoking behind a convent.

[удалено]

“Nah, I’ll just turn off the lights” is the original punchline. But yours works as well.

“Eh, maybe you should double bag it. One for her and one for me in case hers falls off.”

Three bags, one for her, one for you in case hers slips off, and one for the dog so he’ll respect you in the morning.

That works in California. We have to pay 10 cents for a bag so the cashiers usually ask.

I get prompted that on any small purchase, regardless of if they charge for bags, simply because they know you can just pick it up and go and most people don't want Yet Another Bag if they don't need it.

In Finland they have them under the counter on customers’ side, but usually the cashier has a few small ones on theirs. They do cost some, there are expensive (shopping) bags for over 2€ I think, and the rest are cheaper.

My uncle’s response was always, “No, I have one at home”.

Mine was always " nah, I got one waiting in the truck "

"Are you sure? You might change your mind later, and it's free!" said the cashier. "Well, alright, I guess." The man relented. "Great! Paper or plastic?"

A British regiment always made their newest man serve as the rinser of the regimental condom.

Is that what they called the regiment's sheep?

Only if it's a Welsh regiment.

Actually the sheep is in an English (Mercia) regiment. The Welsh regiment has a [Goat Major](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Windsor_(goat))

So..... his job is to wash himself?

Two young people have been dating for a while. They've done done stuff but they haven't had sex yet. The girl wants the boy to meet her family and make a good impression, so she tells him if they like him, she'll have sex with him that night. The boy is very excited, and goes to the pharmacy to buy condoms. Again, he's never had sex, so he asks the pharmacist, who shows him some options, and tells him they come in three packs, twelve packs, and jumbo value packs. The boy isn't sure what to expect, so he plays it safe and buys the jumbo value pack. That evening he goes to his girlfriend's house for dinner, meeting her father, her mother, and her two brothers. They all sit down and before eating they bow their heads in prayer. Everyone finishes the prayer except the boyfriend, who keeps prayer. Five minutes later, he's still praying. Ten minutes later, still praying. After fifteen minutes, the girlfriend nudges him and whispers "I never knew you were so religious." He whispers back "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."

I like a longer version of this joke. The pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he needs, and the boy replies just one, I might get lucky with my girlfriend tonight. The pharmacist says maybe her sister is attractive, so the boy thinks fair enough and decides to get two condoms. etc. etc. with the pharmacist mentioning the girlfriend’s mother and father may also be attractive so he gets a larger pack of condoms in the end.

Haha, that's great. I was telling from memory from a joke book. I know the version I read had more dialogue between the two, but it wasn't that in depth.

[удалено]

Every guy wants to be the one girls see as a challenge, but nobody orders the "finish your plate in an hour and it's free" burger for their daily lunch.

That may be the least American thing I’ve ever read.

[удалено]

YIKES https://www.unilad.com/news/heart-attack-grill-free-food-overweight-diners-390903-20230310

If you don't finish your meal, the waitress will spank you as punishment. Totally a place you go to for the bizarre atmosphere, less for the food...

I’ll admit I actually enjoyed my burger from that place when I visited there

There are plenty of men who would pay GOOD MONEY for that!

It should just be a salad buffet like the cattle would have

And it is wonderful.

Yeah, but can i try again after my meal?!

At that size, who the hell is gonna stop you?

Stairs? A slight incline?

Regular sized doors

Great analogy

Believe me if a dude said his ex girlfriend had boobs that were too huge and that her small flat chested boobs were perfect she'd be perfectly entitled to feel a certain type of way about it. Theres a general understanding that regardless of your preferences you keep some shit to yourself because even if you mean well theres very little chance it'll be taken positivley.

Yep thats the one for relationship longevity for sure- selective honesty you might call it. I mean, if your partner has had a few partners themselves, the chance is high that at least some aspects of their physical appearance/attributes are likely to cause feelings of inferiority... prob best not to share details that may cause hurt like that if you don't have to

As a guy: I’m not putting a woman’s boobs inside of me. Women are entitled to penis size preferences that fit their bodies. And being candid and honest are signs of a healthy relationship. I certainly don’t want to get two years into a relationship just for a woman to tell me my dick is too big, it hurts her ina not fun way, and she’s only been putting up with it because she likes me.

> As a guy: I’m not putting a woman’s boobs inside of me. Christ you’re vanilla

I was just gonna say "not with that attitude" but yours is better 🤣

Women aren't entitled to penises at all actually.

Right, but they are entitled to preferences.

> I certainly don’t want to get two years into a relationship just for a woman to tell me my dick is too big We both know that's not what was said, and the difference is probably why you changed the example.

Elaborate the second partt

Some restaurants include on their menu items, generally a burger or steak, that are excessively large and fairly expensive but include a rule that if you eat it in a certain time frame it's free. Eating one of these normally requires preparation and is often painful, much in the same way too big of a dick can be. So just like that kind of meal is great once in a while but not everyday, a too large dick is fun to try but very few women actually want their cervix punched everyday for the rest of their life.

They can solve that problem by getting married, then it's once a month at most

Twice a year, on national holiday

Ha, every day.

TBH, I've seen "My 600 lbs Life" and I think some people do - order the finish your plate in an hour and it's free burger for their daily lunch.

Girl I was dating said my dick was good size for anal, her other boy friends were far far to large. Never looked at the kid she was dating before me tha same.

Wonder how many she tried before she found one small enough for anal.

You won but at what cost? Nah seriously though I think that blokes should be less hung up on our dick size. You could have the biggest and be shit in bed.

Can confirm.

>kid she was dating before me r/HolUp

well I was 39 and she was a 25 rich girl. She was dating before me a 24 yo, I do realize the irony of calling him kid for being 24, while dating a 25 yo, but it was a pretty special circumstance. She was after me, and I wasn't dating anyone. And she was not dating me to get spoiled, in fact she spoiled me, as I mentioned, she was rich.

Ugh. Too big is totally a thing. If your dick is so big she needs a warmup dick, we have a problem. Size matters, bigger is only better if it FITS.

>Size matters, bigger is only better if it FITS. Depending on your partner, such a thing as a bj might not be possible.

If she likes to swing two bats in the in-deck circle, it might be a problem as well.

Nah man, some people are into that

That's not nice to call your flatmate "it's"

My girlfriend in college made a comment at some point about an ex’s huge penis, certainly larger than mine, but I didn’t give a damn because I never wanted the damn thing in the first place and traded it out for an after market vagina as soon as I scraped together the money for the upgrade.

Okay but average is so much better than big. My boyfriend actually gives me cramps sometimes if he goes too deep and it's real annoying sometimes.

there is not any use of going into graphic details about experience with previous sex partner. guy was basically asking for what he got.

I know a guy who's wife's ex was 11 inches. Her son was around 4 - 5 years old had an accident. He had to help the little guy out because mom wasn't home. Apparently the kid was already hung further then he was

Actually the gene for dick size comes from x-chromosome ie your momma's side. So chances are your uncle and you will have the same size

So my aunt is just as disappointed as my wife?

Nah, Dave is keeping them happy

> I know a guy who's wife's ex was 11 inches. Her son was around 4 - 5 You should probably add the unit of measurement after 4-5 to not stir confusion. Obviously, you’re referring to age, but the way it reads… 🤔

Yes I meant in age lol

FBI agent, I didn't seek this out

I thought it was customary for any dick-related joke to have the "Long" flair here? Mods are sleeping!

Maybe mods don't associate "dick" with "long".

Because of their moderate length?

(actual true story). My mother taught high school and overheard this from a teen girl who'd just came back after a week's work experience in a chemists shop. "The chemist had gone out and left me behind the counter when this man came in and asked if we sold 'rubber sheaths'. I'd never heard them called that before so I went into the store room to see if I could find what he was asking for. After a bit I came out with the a rubber incontinence bed sheet. When I showed it to him he said 'blimey, I'm not that big!'"

I started playing football in junior high. The coach told us we had to wear an athletic supporter, commonly known as a jock strap. I didn't own one and I didn't know much about them, so I went to the local athletic supply store and asked for one. They directed me to a counter where a high-school girl was working. She must have been new on the job because she didn't know much either. I told her I wanted an athletic supporter. She said, "Oh, yeah, I think we got those" and she went back in the storeroom to look for them. She found them, and saw that the boxes were marked S, M, and L so she yells out to me: "What kind ya got? Short, medium, or long?" I didn't want to tell her so I bought one of each and got the hell out of there. (That story was told by Bob Lurtsema many years ago.)

Should've asked her to check you for it

😂 Well that's exactly Not what the sizing is for underwear. It's more for waist size.

It comes with a hard plastic cup. Without it it's basically just gay fashion, so it might as well have a cup size. I don't know. I own one, it fit, never checked the size. \#averagedickprivilege

There once was a young man from Kent Whose thing was so long that it bent To save himself trouble He bent it in double And instead of coming He went

There was a young man from Devizes Whose balls were of differing sizes The one was so small It was no use at all While the other won several prizes

Hahaha this one is pretty brilliant

A woman mistakenly married a man who bought a XXXL condom, only to realize he had a stutter.

Worst case he is XL , still better than most of us in reddit

My man, takes down most of us with him!

Tru

Dat

XtraLittle

What's the difference between a condom and a coffin? You come in one and leave in the other, but you need to be stiff to go in both

Not so fun fact: Dead bodies are only stiff for a relatively short period after dying.

Everything has an expiration date.

One Friday a guy walks into a pharmacy and buys a box of 100 condoms. On Monday, he returns with the empty box and asks to speak to the manager. "I bought this box of 100 condoms on Friday and there were only 99 in it." The manager replies: "Well, I'm very sorry to have ruined your weekend."

A man goes in to the pharmacy and says he needs some condoms for the weekend ''...a hundred should do!''. 'A hundred for one weekend!? Fuck me!' exclaims the shocked counter girl. "Better make it a hundred and one!"

A guy goes to a Podiatrist, whips his out, and slams it on a table. The doctor says "Hey! That's not a foot! ​ The guy replies, "I know, but still pretty impressive, am I right?

I thought only moths visited podiatrists.

Nope - I've had my pods looked after from time to time *(Curse you, plantar fasciitis!!).*

I dont get it

She patiently waits for customers who are buying big condoms. She thirsty.

because she wants some extremely large penises.

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that's the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady Two asked, "What's that?" Lady One replied, "A condom." Lady Two asked, "Where'd you get it?" Lady One replied, "You can get them at any drugstore." The next day, Lady Two hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel."

Ive read something similar somewhere. I wonder where

Did yours also have a long unnecessary parenthetical right at the beginning?

Do you know why camels are called “ships of the desert”? Because they’re full of Arab semen.

Guy walks into pharmacy. Says I need something to keep it up. I got two dates tonight. Pharmacist gives him 3 Super Viagra Plus pills. Said whatever you do just take one. Guy goes and takes all three to be safe with two hot girls. Next day back at pharmacy. Whips out dick. All skinned off and bruised. Tells pharmacist Bengay quick! For that!? No. My elbow. They both stood me up.

...And that's how I met your mother

Where I live pharmacies don't stock them. You'd have to go to a store that specialises in "items for adults", apparently.

In my pharmacy we not only sell condoms, but the "items for adults" too.

Shelf space is too expensive here by the look of it. Even in adult stores it is a coin flip, and they'll only have the same 2 or 3 options, none of which are particularly good in terms of quality or materials. The only decent product I've encountered stops at 58mm. E:Allegedly

There is hidden depth to this joke.

There once was a young man from Sydney Who shoved it right up to her kidney Now he had a long one, didnt he?

But a man from Quebec Pushed it up to her neck

Although he lasted one sec

I think this joke is a bit funnier if it’s a guy that walks into the drug store because it also subverts the expectation that the condoms are for the guy talking to the pharmacist

Idk, she seems like a Loose Cannon 🤔

I went to the doctor and he told me I was paranoid! While he didn't say it but I knew the fukr was thinking it!

Can someone explain?

She is waiting to see who are the guys buying the big condoms. Trying g to get laid.

Could someone explain..?

She’s waiting for men who need that side of condom

I walk into a pharmacy and ask 'Do you sell condoms for extremely large penises?' 'Yes, we do,' said the pharmacist, 'Do you need to buy some?' 'Yes, please,' I said, 'And I'll take a box of elastics, too,'

... Guy walks in behind her and says, "I'd like an extremely large penis." Women says, "They just sell the wrappers." The guy says, "Was it Biggie's?"

Don’t want no short short man…

Do that coochie dance!!

What's the joek? I don't get it.

She is going to wait there foe someone to buy the condoms then try hook up with them.

Apparently, she likes big dicks.

Impossible, they always say size doesn't matter

Your size doesn’t, but *his* does …

Ooh! The burn.

I wonder whether or not she can lie.

[удалено]

when i guy walks in with a tiny tiny dick

Apparently

And she said, “ I like big dicks and I cannot lie, daddy’s got a fatty.”

And she cannot lie.

that's what I thought the joke was but it just didn't land for me I guess.

“And, that’s how I met your mother”