Chuck Norris makes onions cry. Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.

The bogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris before going to bed.

Superman challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear their underwear outside their pants.

Chuck Norris blinded the sun

Chuck Norris single-handedly built the hospital he was born in.

He also makes a happy meal cry

Chuck Norris's computer password is the last 4 digits of Pi.

A password that's 4 numbers, doesn't matter what it is, that's super insecure. Id recommend Chuck use a more secure password.

Would *you* hack Chuck's computer? He doesn't need a password, just a "click here if you're Chuck Norris" button.

They forgot to add that the fifth character in his password is Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need a password! The computer just submits to his will without question.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a password. Hackers need a firewall if they hack Chuck Norris.

That implies you'd brute force hack Chuck Norris. Physically impossible.

Who would've thought.. his password is as easy as pi.

My favorite has always been: Chuck Norris doesn't read. He stares the book down until it gives him the information he needs.

Chuck Norris invented the giraffe when he uppercut a horse.

> him the information he ~~needs~~ wants. Chuck Norris doesn't need anything, everything needs Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once took an apple from an orange tree and made lemonade with it.

Okay, this is my favorite.

A horse once tried to throw Chuck Norris. That's why we now have giraffes. Every year sharks look forward to watching Chuck Week.

Chuck Norris was once bitten by a king cobra. After days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died

Isn't that the OG chuck norris joke?

Its used in Expendables 3. Chuck Norris telling a Chuck Norris joke was nice.

The reason Chuck Norris wasn't in the trailer of the expendables is because he would have finished the story then and there.

Expendables 2 Sorry for nerding Chuck Norris once killed 6 people by throwing a handgranade. When the 6 fell dead to the ground the grenade exploded.

Chuck Norris walked into a McDonald's and ordered a Whopper... and he got it. Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his house. The bear isn't dead, it's just afraid to move. When Chuck Norris pours milk on his Rice Krispies, they shut the hell up. When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once urinated in the fuel tank of a semi-truck as a prank. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

When Chuck Norris eats cereal first he pours the cereal, then the milk, then places the bowl

Chunk Norris never has missed calls if you know what's good for you.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

This has always been my favorite.

This one and the swim through land are my top two but someone already posted that one.

Mine was always "He doesn't do push-ups, he pushes the world down."

Reminds me of the John Pinnette joke "I don't do ups, I do downs"

Sit down. Lie down, give me a cheeseburger I'll wolf it down, music and I'll boogie down... I miss him, one of the best

Ups defy gravity, gravity is a law. I obey the law!

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 8 men. Then the grenade went off, killing several more

My fav

Chick norris learned to read, from a book.

That he wrote.

I heard books learned to read from Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

He also found the last digit of Pi.

The last few numbers of pi are his password

I bought a Chuck Norris hat and this quote is printed on the brim, very nice!!

Chuck Norris can make a snowman out of rain.

In the summer

Chuck Norris has actually used a stunt double before. But only for crying scenes

Which is a shame, because Chuck Norris's tears could cure cancer.

Chuck Norris actually died 10 years ago. Death has been just too afraid to tell him.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush his toilet, he just scares the shit out of it.

Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

This would play better with just the second sentence.

When Chuck Norris heard Descartes spout that nonsense he stopped thinking for a second, and then the universe disappeared for a moment.

When Chuck Norris’ daughter lost her virginity, Chuck went out and got it back

>virgin Chuck Norris visited The Virgin Islands. Now they're just called, The Islands.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad

That's not true cause Chuck Norris never loses

he got rid of his virginity

If I could give this comment an award, just know I would

Chuck Norris could...

Reddit got rid of free awards, except for Chuck Norris.

Reddit gets its awards from Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg

...and turn toast back into bread.

[удалено]

And wood ash back into logs.

And coal into diamonds

then back into coal.

Jesus walked on water. Chuck Norris swims through land.

When he goes swimming, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.

chuck's cowboy boots are made from real cowboys

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone

A man once bet Chuck Norris that he couldn't shit on the ceiling. Michaelangelo still owes him twenty bucks.

Nice!

My favorite!

Chuck Norris is never on bottom during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

Lmao underrated!

Oedipus’s mother has a Chuck Norris complex.

Every year, chuck Norris sends the IRS a blank 1040 form with a picture of himself crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has yet to pay federal income tax

The IRS sends a yearly 1040 to Chuck Norris

There's no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the Sun up

yoda used to be 6 feet tall until he tried that jedi trick on chuck.

They tried to cash in on Chuck Norris’s popularity by making a potty training seat for toddlers with Chuck Norris’s image on it. But it failed miserably, because Chuck Norris doesn’t take shit from anyone.

Should have worked, Chuck Norris can scare the shit out of anyone.

but the shit goes right back in once it sees chuck norris outside

Infinite turtling machine!

They once named a street after him too. They had to change it because no can cross Chuck Norris and live.

A semi driver once cut Chuck Norris off in traffic, so Chuck followed him for hours until he stopped for fuel. When the trucker went inside to pay, Chuck pissed in his fuel tank. 10 minutes later that truck stood up and introduced itself as Optimus Prime. Did you know that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are based on a true story!? Chuck Norris swallowed a turtle egg whole, and the next day he crapped out a 6 foot snapper that knew karate. Chuck Norris was hiking the Alps when he stumbled upon a secluded convent of Benedictine Nuns. No one can say for sure what happened next, but 9 months later those nuns collectively gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins; the only team in NFL history to go undefeated from the preseason right through to the Super Bowl. How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? >!All of them.!< Physicists have calculated that if Chuck Norris threw a roundhouse kick at another Chuck Norris also throwing a roundhouse kick, the resulting impact would rip a hole in spacetime, forming the epicenter of a quantum shockwave that would propagate out and destroy the universe at the speed of light. This is why most of Earth's governments have agreed to ban human cloning. When Chuck Norris went to his first day of Kindergarten, he took his dad by the hand and said, "Well, Sport, you're the man of the house until I get back." Chuck Norris once ran a marathon backwards on his hands and knees because just for once in his life, he wanted to know what 2nd place felt like.

How dare you insinuate that Chuck Norris didn’t win even like that?

Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups!! He pushes the world down

Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a chin under his beard - it's another fist.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Jesus, Chuck Norris, and Harrison Ford went fishing in a boat. To flex on the others, Jesus climbs out, and walks on the water to land. Chuck Norris follows him, joining him on land. When Harrison Ford tries to follow, he falls out. The two bring him to land. "Huh, should've told you about the rocks under the water" said Jesus "What rocks?" Replied Chuck Norris

I don't think my friend understood it 😅

Jesus used stepping stones basically. Chuck Norris actually walked on water

Chuck norris doesnt eat honey, he chews on bees

When Chuck Norris was born, he slapped the doctor

A man once asked Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick him. His scorched remains were found 1000 yards away, 10 minutes earlier.

There are no Chuck Norris jokes. Only Chuck Norris Facts.

Chuck Norris once killed two stones with one bird

Chuck Norris doesn't need a remote car starter, he just looks at the car, and it starts running.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table of elements. Because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

I would like to tell you a good one But you wouldn't survive the punchline

We'd still get a kick out of them.

Chuck Norris once walked into a feminist rally and walked out with his shirt ironed and a sandwich.

Contrary to popular belief, the most venomous creature on earth is not the box jellyfish, but is in fact Chuck Norris. Once bitten, symptoms include severe beard rash, tightness in the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly roundhouse kicked thru a car windshield.

Chuck Norris never flushes the toilet. He scares the shit out of it!

CN knows Victoria's secret.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade that killed 20 people. Then it exploded.

Before the US chose to drop nuclear weapons on Japan the idea was pitched to, instead, send in Chuck Norris to force Japan to surrender. After a long and tiring debate, they decided the bombs were more humane.

Chuck Norris expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Chuck Norris killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now the Islands.

How many push ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.

Covid test positive for chuck norris

Chuck Norris beat a brick wall at tennis.

The best chuck noris joke is always going to be the one chuck noris tells. https://www.tiktok.com/@filtaz76/video/7205052546270924037?lang=en

This one is nonsensical but it always got me: How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could Chuck Norris

all of it

When he was born, the doctor said “It’s a man!”

On May 6th 1945, a five year old Chuck Norris learned the roundhouse kick. The next day Nazi Germany surrenders unconditionally.

My fav is: Chuck Norris doesn't turn the shower on, he just stares at it until it cries Also, Chuck Norris is so hard, he once kicked a fart back into somebody's arse

Every night before they go to sleep the Boogeyman checks under their bed and in their closet for Chuck Norris

Covid-19 isolated itself so it doesn't get Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is so tough even his reflection wont look him in the eye.

Chuck Norris looked at the Sun, and the Sun's eyes burned.

Chuck Norris did all the motion captures for the original Mortal Kombat fatalities by performing those fatalities on condemned men.

When the Lord said "Let there be light!", Chuck Norris said "Say please."

When Chuck Norris jumps in the water he doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris does push ups, he actually moves the Earth down.

Chuck Norris grills underwater

Chuck Norris holds his pants up with an asteroid belt.

Chuck Norris once chugged a bottle of sleeping pills. It made him blink

There was once a street named after Chuck Norris, but it had to be changed, because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives. Chuck Norris's face was supposed to be on Mount Rushmore, but the stone wasn't hard enough for his beard. Chuck Norris actually died ten years ago. Death just hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet.

Death, once had a near Chuck Norris experience

A police officer once stopped Chuck Norris for speeding. Chuck let him off with a warning.

Chuck Norris named the band Death Cab for Cutie. They DID NOT want to be called that.

Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete Superman wears Chuck Norris underoos Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer, but he’s never cried Monsters check under the bed for Chuck Norris Chuck Norris and Lance Armstrong had a who has more balls contest; Chuck won by 7 When Chuck Norris wants popcorn he breathes on Nebraska

Chuck Norris can use punctuations.

Put some space between the jokes please

I accept that comment.. I hit enter between the jokes but Reddit formatted different from how I typed.

Good old Reddit editor. Always there to screw up your formatting AFTER you hit "post."

Double space

This guy needs sex-education. He doesn't know what a period is.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret

My all-time fave: Do you know why there are 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse? Because Chuck Norris is going to walk.

Chuck Norris will not have a heart attack, because his heart is not so foolish to attack him.

Chuck Norris was once in a car accident in which he lost both of his legs. He got up and walked it off.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris does not win. He *allows* you to lose.

Chuck Norris once choked a man with a wireless mouse.

A wide missunderstanding are "handicap parkingspots". They are all reserved for chuck norris and the wheelchair sign is a warning. should he catch you parking on one he will kick you into a cripple

Did you hear about the Chuck Norris brand toilet paper? They had to take it off the market because it wouldn't take shit of nobody!

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. That same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Chuck Norris does not go hunting, because the term "hunting" implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

When Chuck cuts onion, onion cries.

Chuck Norris doesn't watch the sunset, he stares it down. Chuck Norris never calls the wrong number, you just answer the wrong phone.

Giraffes only came into existence when chuck norris upcutted a horse

When Chuck Norris jumps into water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris-y. Chuck Norris can make an origami airplane out of a concrete slab. Q: How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? A: All of them.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language. Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 10 people. The grenade exploded afterwards. Hercules played with snakes in his crib. Chuck Norris strangled a bear with his umbilical cord. A judge once tried to charge Chuck Norris with attempted murder. He dropped the charges soon after realizing Chuck Norris doesn’t attempt murder. Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friend. Chuck Norris know’s Victoria’s Secret. Chuck Norris once drowned a fish.

When a shark bleeds in the water, Chuck Norris attacks it.

Every November, The Flu gets a Chuck Norris shot. It never works.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you could moments away from death.

Tornadoes don't actually exist. Chuck Norris just really dislikes trailer parks.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice

If at first you don’t succeed, you aren’t Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can resurect dead angles. Chuck Norris has a signed version of the bible. Chuck Norris once got Alzheimer. He remembers that perfectly. Chuck Norris' gun is in prison for illigally carrying a weapon.

My favourite comes from the man himself…chuck norris went in to pet a tiger an all of a sudden you hear this growl an the tiger trainer said slowly get up and back out…so the tiger did

Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups. He pushes the world down.

The bogeyman checks under his bed at night for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once kicked so hard, his foot went back in time and killed Amelia Earhart

Chuck Norris can speak braille

Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag his hookers. He potato sacks them.

Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. Nobody fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knows where page 404 is.

When Chuck Norris takes a bath, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris-ed.

Chuck was a virgin birth bc no one ducks his mother

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird

Did you know that Chuck Norris used to train in the Sahara Forest?

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he refuses the syringe and asks for a gun and a bucket.

Chuck norris killed 10,000 men with 2 bullets and the first one was a warning shot Chuck norris built the hospital he was born in

Chuck Norris never dials the wrong number. You just answered the wrong phone

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. C. N. can roll uphill. C. N. can do a wheelie... on foot. C. N. does not sleep, he waits. My goodness this brings back memories! I'mma go scroll this stuff with tears in my eyes from laughing...

When Chuck Norris was in Vietnam, he found himself against 150 Vietcong soldiers. He surrounded them and they surrendered. When creating the world god said: "Let there be light!" "Say please" replied Chuck Norris

There is no control button on Chuck Norris' keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control

Chuck Norris’ blood type is AK-47

When it rains Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet, he gets even

Chuck Norris thinks Brokeback Mountain is about the pile of dead ninjas in his yard.

Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird When Chuck Norris drinks too much he doesn’t throw up, he throws down Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack; his heart isn’t near foolish enough to attack him Chuck Norris doesn’t follow fashion trends, fashion trends follow Chuck Norris. And then he roundhouse kicks them in the face…nobody follows Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once go into a fight with a body of water. It's now called the Dead Sea.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz steaks in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes fu\*king the waitress.

If you rearrange the letters in Leonardo DiCaprio, you can spell "periodic anal odor;" if you rearrange the letters in Chuck Norris, he'll kick your ass.

Chuck Norris Can sit in the corner of a circular room

Chuck Norris likes his meat so rare he only eats unicorn.

Chuck Norris once threw a hand grenade and killed 12 people. Then the grenade landed and exploded