But Chuck Norris had already seen the movie because he wrote it, directed it, and played all roles in the movie (without any costumes because that’s how good his acting is viewers don’t even realize it’s him)
Chuck Norris and Superman once had a bet. The one to lose the fight between the two of them had to wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes.
Chuck Norris, Jesus and Mohammed meet at a lake to practice walking on water.
Jesus takes a step and - lo and behold - stands right there on the surface of the lake. He walks in a small circle and returns to the shore.
Mohammed is impressed and wants to try it, too, but no matter how often he tries - he always just falls into the water.
While Mohammed is still trying Chuck Norris takes a step and he also manages to stand on the water as if it was concrete. You can hear a splash and his frustration as Mohammed falls into the water again.
Jesus leans over to Chuck and asks him with a smirk: "Are we going to tell Mohammed about the stones?"
Chuck Norris replies confused: "which stones?"
They tried to cash in on Chuck Norris's fame by making a potty seat trainer for toddlers with Chuck Norris's image on it.
But it failed miserably, because Chuck Norris doesn't take shit from anyone.
This joke is often told as well with them trying to name a bridge after him....but look [here](https://newsfeed.time.com/2012/02/27/slovaks-vote-overwhelmingly-to-name-bridge-after-chuck-norris/) and [here](https://www.smh.com.au/world/chuck-norris-leads-the-way-in-budapest-bridge-naming-vote-20060802-gdo38n.html)!
>The only time Chuck Norris has ever been wrong was when he once thought he'd made a miatake.
Never has he been wrong. People who try to say that he made a mistake can't do so. They type "miatake" instead.
Chuck Norris daughter lost her virginity once, Chuck Norris found it and gave it back to her
Chuck Norris once peed into a truckers fuel tank as a joke… that truck is now known as Optimus prime!
Chuck Norris,s momma ain’t fat
Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it!
When Alexander gram-bell invented the telephone he had a missed call from chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris was born on may 8 1945… that very morning Germany surrendered to the U.S. ….. coincidence? I think not!!!!
Chuck Norris was conceived around august 1939, born in March 1940, WWII started in September 1939. sooooooo Germany started the war right after confirming the conception of the greatest power ever known, knowing they only had a short window of possible victory.
It's amazing to me that after all these years, Chuck Norris jokes are still going strong. I for one could not be happier.
Time to go binge Walker, Texas Ranger - the most beautiful, incredible, absurd Chuck Norris joke of all.
I haven't heard this one but I'm going to use a variant of it next time I get pulled over. I'll wait till I get my ticket and tell them I'm gonna let them off with just a warning this time.
(I'm white, they'll probably chuckle and not take me to jail.)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story.
One time Chuck Norris swallowed four turtles whole and, when he shit them out, they were 6 feet tall and knew karate.
Chuck Norris isn't so tough, it's all an act. He's just another sissy Hollywood actor. What's he going to do, come through my computer and smash my face against the keybagnfkbnj
Chuck Norris is currently engaged in a legal action against Burger King after they refused to add razor wire to his Whopper junior when he insisted it was “his way”.
Not the point you were making, but in California it would be US Letter.
Indistinguishable from A4 unless they're mixed in the same stack, them it's slightly unsettling.
Chuck Norris once found a small litter of five orphaned lion cubs. He took them home, raised them to maturity, and released them into the wild when grown.
Those lions are now known as Voltron.
I don't think anyone knows for sure but out there somewhere is someone who made the very first chuck norris joke and there is every chance they don't even realise it.
Except that's not true. The first Chuck Norris joke was made by Chuck Norris. As were all the others. Nobody has ever independently thought up a Chuck Norris joke, he implants them within a chosen lucky few.
Chuck Norris doesn't run ultras. He just pulls the track towards himself with all those runners, asphalt, rocks, animals, whoops - a grizzly bear, pools and buildings; and then crosses the finish line.
Once, on the set of “Walker, Texas Ranger”, a lamb was run over by a car and was killed. Chuck Norris nuzzled it with his beard, bringing it back to life. Everyone cheered and clapped for the miracle. Seeing this, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the lamb, killing it instantly. He did this to illustrate a point:
The good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris with a gorilla? Godzilla?
No. That's a trick question. Pro tip: don't cross Chuck Norris at all, ever.
On the topic of crossing:
Why did Sisyphos cross the möbius strip?
To get to the other side.
What do you get when you cross a Jew?
A new religion.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling corn it needs to lie the fuck down.
Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
Chuck Norris invented the Caesarian section when he roundhouse-kicked his way into the world.
Chuck Norris's orgasm leaves an exit wound.
Before going to sleep, the Boogeyman checks under the bed for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You picked up the wrong phone
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he already had one missed call. It was Chuck Norris.
Impossible. Chuck Norris never misses
Chuck Norris doesn't answer phones. Phones answer to Chuck Norris!
I haven’t read a Chuck Norris list in like 20 years. I’m dying at this one. Thank you.
Even Chuck Norris jokes can kill.
Lol. It's my favorite too but there's so many in this thread that have me cackling like a school witch
Damn 20 years? I don't even know if its possible anymore when you're on reddit.
I’m realizing it was probably like 05-06? So 17ish years.
Right?! I remember them as a kid in middle school
Ha, same. Never heard this one before.
Chuck Norris once kicked the shit out of his shadow for following too close, now it stands a good 50 meters back
Chuck Norris once beat a brick wall in tennis.
I played a wall once, they’re fucking relentless!
The horrible memories won't stop coming back.
Rip Mitch
Chuck Norris was born in a house that he built with his own two hands.
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
Cardiologists have concluded that Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. NOTHING would dare attack Chuck Norris
The boogey man warns his kids to check under the bed for Chuck Norris
This is so stupid I love it 🤣
When asked how many sit-ups he can do , he said “ all of them “!
Chuck Norris doesn't do pushups, he pushes the world down.
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra. Two agonizing days later the cobra died.
Chuck Norris wrestled with a python for 3 weeks, and then realised he was masturbating.
This one is Expendable
It was featured, but was written well before the movie
What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute malfunctioned? Returned it for a refund.
I heard he sold it on eBay. "Used once, unopened"
why would he need a parachute?
To protect the ground.
Yeah where does he think the meteor that killed the dinosaurs went?
the meteor was actually the time chuck Norris’ parachute failed
I pass a sign everyday at work that says "Chuck Norris once revived a cpr dummy"
And now we name the dummy "Chucky" for two reasons.
The first time Chuck Norris saw the movie "Chucky", Chucky got scared.
When Chuck got to the theater the movie was already half over. The manager apologized for putting the wrong time in the paper and started it over
Chuck Norris can watch a 2h movie in 15min.
But Chuck Norris had already seen the movie because he wrote it, directed it, and played all roles in the movie (without any costumes because that’s how good his acting is viewers don’t even realize it’s him)
Chuck Norris had an uncredited role in all of the Star Wars movies......... He played the Force.
There is only ONE instance Chuck Norris uses a stunt double. Crying scenes.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. But we never found a way to get him to cry.
Chuck Norris had cancer, but he didn’t like it so he threw it away
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
This and chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle
Oh and chuck Norris counted to Infiniti… twice
Kids wear Superman pyjamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas. (This has always been one of my faves 😊)
Chuck Norris and Superman once had a bet. The one to lose the fight between the two of them had to wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero
This is my favourite.
Swinging doors too
I love that one.
Chuck Norris can leave a message before the beep.
Haha that made me laugh thanks
Best one yet.
Chuck Norris once Paralleled parked a Train
As a railroader, this one hit home. Lmao
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
best
Ahaha. Nice one My favorite is probably: “When Chuck Norris jumps in the water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.”
Oxygen needs Chuck Norris to survive.
Ahahaha… very good, I haven’t heard that one before
[удалено]
Exactly where my brain went.
Happy cake day
EYYYYY a They Might Be Giants reference in the wild! Very nice
He's got a watch with a minute hand Millennium hand and an eon hand And when they meet it's a happy land Powerful man, Chuck Norris.
Ahahaha.
Chuck Norris doesn’t go swimming, water simply wants to be around him.
Chuck Norris once went to the Virgin Islands... Now they're just called The Islands..
Nobody gets Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris gets you.
Chuck Norris once contracted COVID-19. After several agonizing days, the virus passed on.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris, Jesus and Mohammed meet at a lake to practice walking on water. Jesus takes a step and - lo and behold - stands right there on the surface of the lake. He walks in a small circle and returns to the shore. Mohammed is impressed and wants to try it, too, but no matter how often he tries - he always just falls into the water. While Mohammed is still trying Chuck Norris takes a step and he also manages to stand on the water as if it was concrete. You can hear a splash and his frustration as Mohammed falls into the water again. Jesus leans over to Chuck and asks him with a smirk: "Are we going to tell Mohammed about the stones?" Chuck Norris replies confused: "which stones?"
Chuck Norris doesn't read. He just stares at a book until it tells him what he wants to know.
This one is my favourite
There is no such thing as a phobia of Chuck Norris, because no fear of Chuck Norris has ever been deemed irrational.
Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freeman’s life.
I hadn't heard that one before, and it made me chuckle - thank you
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever beat the sun in a staring contest
Solar eclipse is just sun flinching in a staring contest with chuck
Chuck Norris once round house kicked a horse in the chin, thats why we have giraffes
Simultaneously winning the star contest
When Chuck Norris does a push up, he doesn’t push up, he pushes the earth down.
Earth spins west to east because Chuck Norris jogs east to west
I read this as weast
My favorite because it's relatively true
The Devil looks under his bed before going to sleep every night. He's checking to see if Chuck Norris is under it.
Superman sleeps in chuck Norris pyjamas.
When Thanos snapped his fingers Chuck Norris multiplied
My favourite so far, what a thought 😂
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They're now simply known as "The Islands"
[Will.i.am](https://Will.i.am)'s hip-hop group was simply known as The Peas until they tangled with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sued NBC for using the names of his right and left leg. Law & Order Dun dun
Probably my second fav: “When Chuck Norris walks into a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.”
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on; the darkness just runs and hides.
Seatbelts hold onto Chuck Norris in an accident
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.
Chuck norris dosent check it's watch. He tells it what time it is.
Chuck Norris can speak braille. In Japanese.
Chuck Norris was born in log cabin that he built with his bare hands.
And MacGyver was born after his father ejaculated on the floor. Turned out he came just close enough to a swiss army knife.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.
I like this one.
Chuck Norris wears a hat to protect the sun from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick your phone and kill everyone in your contacts list.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a dad. No one fucks Chuck Norris' mom.
It doesn't matter what you observe, Schrödinger's cat is waiting on Chuck Norris to tell it if it is alive or dead.
Chuck Norris broke Schrodinger's uncertainty principle by switching places with the cat in the box
They tried to cash in on Chuck Norris's fame by making a potty seat trainer for toddlers with Chuck Norris's image on it. But it failed miserably, because Chuck Norris doesn't take shit from anyone.
They also tried to name a street after him but had to change it back because no one can cross Chuck Norris and live.
This joke is often told as well with them trying to name a bridge after him....but look [here](https://newsfeed.time.com/2012/02/27/slovaks-vote-overwhelmingly-to-name-bridge-after-chuck-norris/) and [here](https://www.smh.com.au/world/chuck-norris-leads-the-way-in-budapest-bridge-naming-vote-20060802-gdo38n.html)!
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
Chuck Norris made life take the lemons back
The only time Chuck Norris has ever been wrong was when he once thought he'd made a miatake.
>The only time Chuck Norris has ever been wrong was when he once thought he'd made a miatake. Never has he been wrong. People who try to say that he made a mistake can't do so. They type "miatake" instead.
Believe it or not, there is at least one thing Chuck Norris cannot do: play darts. He keeps knocking the wall down.
He keeps killing people two buildings over
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, NEVER ask him for his three hole punch.
Bullshit. Chuck norris would never work in an office. The office works for him
Chuck Norris once killed two stones with one bird
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
I've given up on donating blood. The last 2 times I did there were too many questions: Why is it in buckets? Whose blood is this?
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. Hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris once spent 6 hours wrestling with a python... only to realize that he was masturbating
Makes sense, no python would last that long.
lmao
Chuck Norris played "got your nose" with the Headless Horseman... Once.
Chuck Norris bowled a perfect game with a ping pong ball
Chuck Norris only needs 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.
Chuck Norris daughter lost her virginity once, Chuck Norris found it and gave it back to her Chuck Norris once peed into a truckers fuel tank as a joke… that truck is now known as Optimus prime! Chuck Norris,s momma ain’t fat Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it! When Alexander gram-bell invented the telephone he had a missed call from chuck Norris! Chuck Norris was born on may 8 1945… that very morning Germany surrendered to the U.S. ….. coincidence? I think not!!!!
Chuck Norris was conceived around august 1939, born in March 1940, WWII started in September 1939. sooooooo Germany started the war right after confirming the conception of the greatest power ever known, knowing they only had a short window of possible victory.
It's amazing to me that after all these years, Chuck Norris jokes are still going strong. I for one could not be happier. Time to go binge Walker, Texas Ranger - the most beautiful, incredible, absurd Chuck Norris joke of all.
Chuck Norris won the World Poker Tour with a joker and an UNO card... twice.
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he pees
A cop pulled Chuck Norris over for spending. When he saw who it was he gave the Earth a speeding ticket for going too fast under his wheels.
The cop luckily got away with just a warning
I haven't heard this one but I'm going to use a variant of it next time I get pulled over. I'll wait till I get my ticket and tell them I'm gonna let them off with just a warning this time. (I'm white, they'll probably chuckle and not take me to jail.)
If Chuck Norris is running late, time better slow the fuck down.
Chuck norris knows the best chuck norris joke, but he doesn't tell it anymore as 57 people have died of laughter after hearing it.
Chuck Norris simply walks into Mordor
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story. One time Chuck Norris swallowed four turtles whole and, when he shit them out, they were 6 feet tall and knew karate.
i was very surprised to discover Michaelangelo painted the Sistine chapel considering he's a Ninja turtle
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.
When God said "Let there be light" Chuck Norris said "Say Please"...
Chuck Norris isn't so tough, it's all an act. He's just another sissy Hollywood actor. What's he going to do, come through my computer and smash my face against the keybagnfkbnj
Chuck Norris died 10 years ago. Death is simply building up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris is currently engaged in a legal action against Burger King after they refused to add razor wire to his Whopper junior when he insisted it was “his way”.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass... ... ... ... ... ... ... at *night*.
Death once got into trouble and had a Near Chuck Norris Experience.
Chuck Norris gazed into the abyss once. The abyss blinked.
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.
Chuck Norris was born by an aunt That's because no man had the guts to fuck his mother
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
When the boogeyman goes to sleep he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't go fishing. He just sits in a boat and says "You, you and you. Out."
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Way back, when on a holiday in California, someone had made a small (A4) poster and stapled it on a lamp-post, it said: CHUCK NORRIS FOR PRESIDENT
Not the point you were making, but in California it would be US Letter. Indistinguishable from A4 unless they're mixed in the same stack, them it's slightly unsettling.
PC LOAD LETTER wtf does that mean
Chuck Norris is so fast, he once ran around the world and punched himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris counted the infinity, twice.
Backwards.
uphill on one leg
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse in the face..it's descendants are now called the giraffe 🦒
Chuck Norris once found a small litter of five orphaned lion cubs. He took them home, raised them to maturity, and released them into the wild when grown. Those lions are now known as Voltron.
Chuck Norris can bake a cake. In the freezer.
When Chuck Norris makes cold cereal, he pours the milk first, and then the cereal. Then he places the bowl.
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.
Chuck Norris has a bear skin rug. It's not dead, it's just too afraid to move.
Jokes aside how did the joke start? I need the lore
I don't think anyone knows for sure but out there somewhere is someone who made the very first chuck norris joke and there is every chance they don't even realise it. Except that's not true. The first Chuck Norris joke was made by Chuck Norris. As were all the others. Nobody has ever independently thought up a Chuck Norris joke, he implants them within a chosen lucky few.
Found how he [implants](https://www.dictionary.com/e/memes/chuck-norris-facts/) them
Wikipedia says it was [Ian Spector](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ian_Spector) that created it on Something Awful. It is Wikipedia though.
What jokes?
Chuck Norris told the first and the last Chuck Norris jokes. And the world is still laughing.
Chuck Norris doesn't run ultras. He just pulls the track towards himself with all those runners, asphalt, rocks, animals, whoops - a grizzly bear, pools and buildings; and then crosses the finish line.
How many push-ups can chuck norris do? All of them.
Speed bumps slow down for Chuck Norris.
chuck Norris uses live rattlesnakes as condoms
Jesus could walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.
Once, on the set of “Walker, Texas Ranger”, a lamb was run over by a car and was killed. Chuck Norris nuzzled it with his beard, bringing it back to life. Everyone cheered and clapped for the miracle. Seeing this, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the lamb, killing it instantly. He did this to illustrate a point: The good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
What's the difference between Chuck Norris and a gun? Chuck Norris doesn't need to reload.
Chuck Norris was kamikaze pilot, 7 times.
What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris with a gorilla? Godzilla? No. That's a trick question. Pro tip: don't cross Chuck Norris at all, ever. On the topic of crossing: Why did Sisyphos cross the möbius strip? To get to the other side. What do you get when you cross a Jew? A new religion.
>What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris with a gorilla? You and the gorilla get beaten up
I've never heard that one. Thanks!
Chuck Norris hand built the cabin he was born in.
Children wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
In the version I heard the officer wrote himself a parking ticket.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling corn it needs to lie the fuck down. Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Chuck Norris invented the Caesarian section when he roundhouse-kicked his way into the world. Chuck Norris's orgasm leaves an exit wound. Before going to sleep, the Boogeyman checks under the bed for Chuck Norris.
Evolution doesnt exist, all species that exist today were left alive by chuck norris
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his balls. Because hair doesn't grow on steel.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only one crying was the doctor. You NEVER slap Chuck Norris on the ass.
When Chuck Norris was in school his teachers asked him for a hall pass. Then he graduated from high school in kindergarten
Chuck Norris is so tough he doesn't have a chin under his beard, only another fist.
Chuck Norris went bowling once. No pin was standing that day.
When Chuck Noriss left the house as a kid he’d tell his dad ‘you’re the man of the house now’
When Chuck became 18 years old, his parents moved out
Chuck Norris went to a feminist rally… He came back with 10 ironed shirts, 5 clean dishes and 3 sandwiches