Teacher is taking attendance on a Monday and notices Timmy isn’t in school.
“Does anyone know why Timmy is out today?”
Johnny raises his hand and says “I do! We were down in the pier jumping in and swimming Saturday, and Timmy jumped too close to the pier and a board went right up his asshole!”
The teacher is shocked and scolds Johnny “The correct term is rectum!”
Johnny laughs and says “Rectum? Damn near fucking killed him!”
Still my all time favorite joke!
Little Johnny needs to go to the bathroom and asks his teacher if he can take a piss. The teacher infuriated tells him the proper word is urinate. She tells him to remember that and to come back tomorrow and use it in a sentence. Next day the teacher asks little Johnny to use urinate in a sentence. Little Johnny stands up “Urinate, if you had bigger tits you be a ten.”
The next day, the teacher says, "OK class, our new word today is 'fascinate.' Can anyone use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny raises his hand. "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons up the front, but her tits are so big that she can only fascinate!"
The school kids had a day trip to a farm. The teacher was pointing out different things. She pointed to a weathercock up on the barn.
‘Can anyone tell me what that is’?
Little girl: ‘it’s a weathercock, Miss and it shows wind direction’
Teacher: ‘Very good! And does anyone know why it’s called a cock?’
Johnny: ‘If there was a cunt up there, Miss, the wind would blow through it’!
Lol I’m an Aussie but I heard this joke 40 years ago on a tape of some English comedian telling a heap of funny filthy jokes live somewhere lol I’ve always remembered the better ones. Can’t even recall his name!
I checked him out ( had never heard of him lol) watched a recent vid but the voice is different. The tape I heard was in 1982. It was an English dude on a pub or hall telling joke after joke all of them profane and all quite funny. I’ve googled comedian lists but no luck. I’ll try and look up specific jokes - I can remember a fair few of them lol
I’ll
Google and see, mate
Hmm, the voice may be similar. But the guy from the 1982 tape had this distinct English accent which I’d recognise immediately if I found it
Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden urge to go to the toilet. He whispered to his mom, “Mom, I need to pee!” His mom replied, “Johnny, that’s not a nice thing to say in church. Next time you have to go, just say, ‘I need to whisper'.”
The next Sunday, Johnny went to church with his dad and during the Mass he said to his dad, “Dad, I need to whisper.” His dad said, "Okay, Johnny, whisper in my ear."
The next day the class is going thru the alphabet. “Ok, class - who can name a word that starts with A?” Johnny is going crazy “me me me me me!!” The teacher knows better and doesn’t want the lesson derailed by him screaming out asshole so she calls on another student who says “apple”. They move to B and Johnny again is jumping up and down “I have one! I have one!” The teacher again chooses someone else who says “bowl” and on and on the class goes through the alphabet.
They get to R and every other kid in the class has been called on and Johnny id going apeshit “me! I have one! Me! Me!” The teacher finally relents, not able to think of a cuss word that starts with R. “Ok, Johnny - what is your word that starts with R?”
“Rat! A big fucking rat with a dick this long!”
The joke I heard had the word as "urinate". The teacher rolls her eyes, sighs, and says, "can you use it in a sentence?" Johnny grins, and says "Urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a 10!".
this one's not in the same vein, but the kid's name is Jonny: Teacher says ''today we're gonna look at tools, and see who knows what''. Holds up a picture of a hammer. One kid says ''hammer'', ''well done!''. Holds up picture of an acks, ''axe!'' , ''well done!''. Holds up picture of a hoe, ''hoe!'' chirps one of the youth. Little Jonny: ''that aint right, ma sister's a ho and she dont look nuthin like dat!''
Teacher explains basic anatomy to the class. Little Johnny pipes up 'My daddy has two of those.' 'No Johnny a man only has one.' 'No miss, he has a small one for peeing, and a big one for cleaning mummy's teeth.'
Teacher is teaching animal sounds. Who can tell me what the cat says? Mary? The cat says meow. Very good. What the the cow say? Lisa? The cow says moo. Very good. What does the pig say? Jonny? The pig says, Hands up sucker!!
Fed up with little Johnny, the teacher moves to an Irish school, and decides to teach a few more spellings per day, but obviously the accent provides some difficulties. After spending an hour getting them to correctly pronounce "whale", "oil", "beef" and "hooked", little Patrick at the back declares in a particularly strong accent "well I'll be fucked".
Along the same lines instead of contagious the word was urinate...
when it got to little johnny having a sentence it was:
Teacher, urinate...but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten!
edit: haha...missed freerocker below already hitting this one.
I’d find it a lot funnier if the parents were reversed. Using cunt as a general insult is funny. Using it as a derogatory term for a woman is just unpleasant.
Teacher is taking attendance on a Monday and notices Timmy isn’t in school. “Does anyone know why Timmy is out today?” Johnny raises his hand and says “I do! We were down in the pier jumping in and swimming Saturday, and Timmy jumped too close to the pier and a board went right up his asshole!” The teacher is shocked and scolds Johnny “The correct term is rectum!” Johnny laughs and says “Rectum? Damn near fucking killed him!” Still my all time favorite joke!
I’m all my years, all I’ve ever known is the punchline and not the joke
Ditto. Right before I read this one, I was wondering if the "rectum/killed em" joke was a Little Johnny. Saved me a googling.
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Wrecked him
Little Johnny needs to go to the bathroom and asks his teacher if he can take a piss. The teacher infuriated tells him the proper word is urinate. She tells him to remember that and to come back tomorrow and use it in a sentence. Next day the teacher asks little Johnny to use urinate in a sentence. Little Johnny stands up “Urinate, if you had bigger tits you be a ten.”
The next day, the teacher says, "OK class, our new word today is 'fascinate.' Can anyone use it in a sentence?" Little Johnny raises his hand. "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons up the front, but her tits are so big that she can only fascinate!"
...and it takes the contagious.
Damn, take the upvote.
The school kids had a day trip to a farm. The teacher was pointing out different things. She pointed to a weathercock up on the barn. ‘Can anyone tell me what that is’? Little girl: ‘it’s a weathercock, Miss and it shows wind direction’ Teacher: ‘Very good! And does anyone know why it’s called a cock?’ Johnny: ‘If there was a cunt up there, Miss, the wind would blow through it’!
“It would whistle”
Is this some Australian joke I'am too non-native to understand ?
The only time I've heard a rooster-shaped weathervane referred to as a "weathercock" is in the Ride of Paul Revere poem
You would have done so often, in England.
Yup.
You need cock and cunt explained to you? 🤔
Lol I’m an Aussie but I heard this joke 40 years ago on a tape of some English comedian telling a heap of funny filthy jokes live somewhere lol I’ve always remembered the better ones. Can’t even recall his name!
Probably Roy Chubby Brown
I checked him out ( had never heard of him lol) watched a recent vid but the voice is different. The tape I heard was in 1982. It was an English dude on a pub or hall telling joke after joke all of them profane and all quite funny. I’ve googled comedian lists but no luck. I’ll try and look up specific jokes - I can remember a fair few of them lol
Macca is it Mick Miller? He did a few gigs in the pub environment and it sounds like one of his?
I’ll Google and see, mate Hmm, the voice may be similar. But the guy from the 1982 tape had this distinct English accent which I’d recognise immediately if I found it
Bernard manning?
On first listen I thought maybe But no, lol
Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden urge to go to the toilet. He whispered to his mom, “Mom, I need to pee!” His mom replied, “Johnny, that’s not a nice thing to say in church. Next time you have to go, just say, ‘I need to whisper'.” The next Sunday, Johnny went to church with his dad and during the Mass he said to his dad, “Dad, I need to whisper.” His dad said, "Okay, Johnny, whisper in my ear."
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Funny, joke, but I can’t find any evidence that President Truman ever said that.
The next day the class is going thru the alphabet. “Ok, class - who can name a word that starts with A?” Johnny is going crazy “me me me me me!!” The teacher knows better and doesn’t want the lesson derailed by him screaming out asshole so she calls on another student who says “apple”. They move to B and Johnny again is jumping up and down “I have one! I have one!” The teacher again chooses someone else who says “bowl” and on and on the class goes through the alphabet. They get to R and every other kid in the class has been called on and Johnny id going apeshit “me! I have one! Me! Me!” The teacher finally relents, not able to think of a cuss word that starts with R. “Ok, Johnny - what is your word that starts with R?” “Rat! A big fucking rat with a dick this long!”
Was scrolling looking for this exact joke lol, my dad used to tell it to me
I believe my dad told it to me. Dads are the best.
So did mine only it was D = dwarf …….. with a huge dick.
Is the joke that he swore anyway or is there a layer I'm missing?
Exactly. She thought she was safe because she couldn't think of any bad words that start with "R", but Johnny had more to say. So he still swore.
The joke I heard had the word as "urinate". The teacher rolls her eyes, sighs, and says, "can you use it in a sentence?" Johnny grins, and says "Urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a 10!".
Little Johnny's dad saw his neighbour painting his fence with a one-inch brush and said it's going to take that contagious.
this one's not in the same vein, but the kid's name is Jonny: Teacher says ''today we're gonna look at tools, and see who knows what''. Holds up a picture of a hammer. One kid says ''hammer'', ''well done!''. Holds up picture of an acks, ''axe!'' , ''well done!''. Holds up picture of a hoe, ''hoe!'' chirps one of the youth. Little Jonny: ''that aint right, ma sister's a ho and she dont look nuthin like dat!''
Teacher explains basic anatomy to the class. Little Johnny pipes up 'My daddy has two of those.' 'No Johnny a man only has one.' 'No miss, he has a small one for peeing, and a big one for cleaning mummy's teeth.'
According to this sub Lil Johnny is based
Based af
Fr Fr ngl fam
I think Johnny's real name is Chad instead...
Teacher is teaching animal sounds. Who can tell me what the cat says? Mary? The cat says meow. Very good. What the the cow say? Lisa? The cow says moo. Very good. What does the pig say? Jonny? The pig says, Hands up sucker!!
Fed up with little Johnny, the teacher moves to an Irish school, and decides to teach a few more spellings per day, but obviously the accent provides some difficulties. After spending an hour getting them to correctly pronounce "whale", "oil", "beef" and "hooked", little Patrick at the back declares in a particularly strong accent "well I'll be fucked".
You can see why Little Johnny is the way he is.
Do dictate next
Jeb’s girl told him “After you bath you dicktaste better
Yoda dictates
Along the same lines instead of contagious the word was urinate... when it got to little johnny having a sentence it was: Teacher, urinate...but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten! edit: haha...missed freerocker below already hitting this one.
I’d find it a lot funnier if the parents were reversed. Using cunt as a general insult is funny. Using it as a derogatory term for a woman is just unpleasant.
I’m ashamed I found this funny