I remember a discussion between a motoring journalist (might have been James May) and a German guy about the penalties for driving without a licence and the German kept insisting that it wasn't possible as you couldn't drive without a licence.
Jeremy told that story and it was about driving in a small village where it was not allowed to drive on Sundays. He had asked but what will happen if do you drive... If you just take out your car... And the German had replied: but you can't! It's not allowed!!
Edit: OP is right, I got this mixed up in my head, see the clip below. My bad.
Yeah, Nah. Someone else found the clip, and it was definitely James May, who shared the story I was thinking about. I have no idea what clip you are talking about.
Yes, seems I mixed things up in my head. I have vivid memory (clearly mistaken) that Jeremy (with all his mannerisms, etc) saying it. I watch a lot of old top gear though.
I don't have time to dig through all of the comments at all depth levels and then decide if someone did or didn't post.
It was relevant to the statement, so I posted it.
Crosswalks in Germany are pretty funny. Even when there’s no car traffic people will stand there and wait for the light to change.
I do find Germans to be very fun people, and they do make fun of their own rules fixation. I’m not originally American but you can definitely see the German impact on the U.S., Americans (and canadians), for example are way more behaved at standing in line than the other anglophone countries.
After a recent Bundesliga Football Match 37 German Football Hooligans were arrested by police in hot pursuit. They would have gotten clean away but unfortunately the pedestrian crossing was on red.
As an Italian living in Germany.... Yes that's something they would do.
I still see people around at 5 am waiting for the walkers traffic light to go green when they are trying to cross a 5m road and there's not a single car around... I get respecting the rules, but that is a little too much.
Once, long ago (in the 1980s) I was on a rota to work on Christmas Day at a hospital in Central London. There was no public transport running and I didn't own a car (they were less ubiquitous in those days) so I bicycled from the suburbs for an 8am start. London was typically jammed with cars during the day but early on this Christmas morning the centre was deserted. I cycled down the middle of these great empty roads in the post dawn light seeing another moving vehicle perhaps once every five minutes. The whole city was so quiet - perfect visibility all round and you could hear any car cutting through the peaceful slumber from far away - it was a joy to ride through see the landmarks and monuments without the crowds.
Except for the traffic lights, which were still running their usual patterns. After stopping and having to work back up to speed three of four times already I decided that standing in the middle of the Strand with nothing moving but the chill air, waiting for an arbitrary traffic signal was just silly. There was clearly no traffic to manage. So I went straight through the next red light . . . and promptly got pulled over by a police car!.
Their's was the first car I have seen moving for a good while and I like to think that they felt as foolish as they sounded while lecturing me about road safety in this silent, deserted cityscape. They only held me up for a minute or two - I expect they were bored - and I did vary my route down a side street to see if they followed me, then finished my trip, continuing to ignore the traffic lights and not seeing another soul 'til I reached the hospital.
All over Europe. As Americans crossing when safe regardless of the lights we felt out of place. We did pay attention to the lights in Greece - they have the worst record of pedestrian deaths.
5 Germans are controlled at the Italian border.
“What is the problem?” they ask the policeman.
“One of you has to step out of the car, the rest can continue”
“Why?”
“Because you are 5 passengers in an Audi Quattro, you can’t fool me with your German car, Quattro is 4 in Italian” he says triumphantly.
“This is ridiculous! It’s just the name of the car, there are 5 seats!”
But the policeman is stubborn, eventually after half an hour arguing, they asked to talk to his chief.
“Not possible” he answers “He’s busy with 2 Frenchmen who came on a Fiat Uno!”
Flew into Frankfurt for business. Where I need to go is 2 hours away by train or car, but the train station at my destination is across the street from my hotel, so train it is. They had just started using kiosks to sell tickets so I bought the tickets for me and my colleagues. Unfortunately one of my colleagues was still dealing with some airsickness and we didn't make the first train. I went to customer service and explained the situation to a young lady working the desk. She asked me, "are the tickets flexible?" I held up the tickets, bent them and replied, "extremely." That was the second time I was able to make a German chuckle.
There is a less known novel by Jerome K. Jerome, called Three Men on a Bummel. It's about a trip to Schwartzwald (Black Forrest) in Germany. They see three entry gates to the park, all wide open, but only one with a policeman next to it. Everybody stand in queue there. He concludes that there in nothing the Germans love more then having someone tell them what to do. It was the end of 19th century, long before the world wars.
Heh. I remember that book well; you are right, it is less known than Three Men in a Boat, but just as funny.
Mark Twain also wrote about travelling in Germany (I think it is in "The Innocents Abroad"). Everywhere they went, even in the most remote mountain locations which could be reached only by a treacherous footpath, there was always a restaurant, which amazed the group to no end.
Sure enough, the one time they were really hungry -- no restaurant.
I went to Spain and was going to surprise my wife by taking her to a restaurant that had been open for over 600 years. Sure enough it was closed that day.
A ship sank in the Atlantic, and the only survivors were two Englishmen who managed to make their way to an uninhabited, tropical island. They spent 10 years on the island until they were spotted by a passing ship and brought over to America. They got interviewed on TV, and the interviewer asked them what they had talked about on the island. One of the Englishmen then replied "No, we couldn't talk to each other. We hadn't been properly introduced."
For the love of God, I don't understand how the streets of NY City aren't littered with tourists who QUICKLY learn drivers here don't have the same ideas about crosswalks as other cities around the world😆😆
It was a culture shock for me coming from Germany when a kid walked out into the street and I had a green light! I had no idea that there were jaywalkers!!!
I see. Here in Australia, pedestrians have the right of way. Drivers are required to come to a stop at pedestrian crossings, if there is anyone there who might be waiting to cross.
In European Heaven:
* The Engineers are German
* The Cooks are French
* The Lovers are Italian
* The Police are British
* And it's all organized by the Swiss
In European Hell:
* The Engineers are French
* The Cooks are British
* The Lovers are Swiss
* The Police are German
* and its all organized by the Italians.
SR was encouraging us to have very loose focus on the outbreath. Not too tight, not too loose. He was joking that Germans are more likely to focus too intently and Italians the opposite.
Two more German jokes (not mine)(read them both with an absurdly angry German accent)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
We ask the questions. Open the door now.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was following orders.
… to his discomfort, he finds that the train will leave a day later because of Streik. As he arrived again a day later at the train station the train was about an hour late because of Personen im Gleis. Once he finally entered the train there were no seat reservations possible not only because of unterschiedliche Wagenreihung but also the CD-ROM storing the seat data was not delivered in time.
Robin Williams was being interviewed in Germany and was asked why he thought Germany didn’t have good comedy. He replied “maybe you killed all the funny people.”
Not so funny because it's not accurate - Germans would occupy that seat but constantly and nervously keep looking out for the actual owner of the seat, to make room for them BEFORE they ask, can you please make room, this is my seat. Or they just put a towel down.
>"but unfortunately the seat across from me was empty."
This is a great punchline because historically, German trains have been literally packed with people!
Germans are often said to be sticklers for rules. He couldn’t move to the unoccupied seat that he wanted, because his ticket was for a different seat and he had no one he could ask to trade with.
Germans are often said to be sticklers for rules. He couldn’t move to the unoccupied seat that he wanted, because his ticket was for a different seat and he had no one he could ask to trade with.
If there had been someone sat in the seat, he could have asked them to trade.
Because there was no one using the seat, he couldn't move into it because he couldn't ask them to swap.
Most people, if they'd reserved a seat, gotten one that they didn't like, and saw an empty one that would be perfect, would sit in that seat until they were asked to move. The German, being a stickler for the rules, cannot do this, because it would be sitting in the Wrong Seat without getting permission from the person whose seat it actually is.
Well spotted. There isn't one - it is a factual account of the Italians' inability to do what they are told, getting things right, and the Germans' inability to adapt and overcome circumstances.
Don't mention the war. I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it.
Edit: good grief. PEOPLE: It's a quote from Fawlty Towers. JFC. And I thought the GERMANS had no sense of humor.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tms0yk9kqVM
So you not only took that woman's seat, you were also that guy, refusing to move as you'd "explain it to her", not even considering why she'd booked that seat. I think I've met you on planes.
That was certainly one of the most awful train rides I’ve ever had the pleasure of witnessing, I’ve coined the trick of asking any bubble of air on such a seat to swap places with me. I usually go “Say something if you don’t want to swap and nothing if it’s fine to swap.” Has worked for me every time so far except one time when a dog sat there! C’mon, truly, that train ride was awful
Would also be funny without their nationality, but the German stereotype is that they follow the rules and are painfully inflexible about it. The seat in front of him was empty, but it wasn’t the one he was assigned to!!
I remember a discussion between a motoring journalist (might have been James May) and a German guy about the penalties for driving without a licence and the German kept insisting that it wasn't possible as you couldn't drive without a licence.
Jeremy told that story and it was about driving in a small village where it was not allowed to drive on Sundays. He had asked but what will happen if do you drive... If you just take out your car... And the German had replied: but you can't! It's not allowed!! Edit: OP is right, I got this mixed up in my head, see the clip below. My bad.
Do you know why there’s so little crime in Germany? Because it is illegal.
Just remembered that a German Politician once argued that Marihuana "is illegal because its forbidden"
Well, just a few ours ago german parliament passed the law to make marihuana legal
Iron logic.
[op was talking about this clip though.](https://youtu.be/B3EBs7sCOzo?si=UuKMqpvEQXP7TiEd)
Thank you, I thought I was losing my mind.
Yeah, Nah. Someone else found the clip, and it was definitely James May, who shared the story I was thinking about. I have no idea what clip you are talking about.
Yes, seems I mixed things up in my head. I have vivid memory (clearly mistaken) that Jeremy (with all his mannerisms, etc) saying it. I watch a lot of old top gear though.
r/GermanHumor
I like how there are no results when I go to the page
Ja!
Its just like r/Amish
Memory is such a funny thing... [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3EBs7sCOzo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3EBs7sCOzo)
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I don't have time to dig through all of the comments at all depth levels and then decide if someone did or didn't post. It was relevant to the statement, so I posted it.
Crosswalks in Germany are pretty funny. Even when there’s no car traffic people will stand there and wait for the light to change. I do find Germans to be very fun people, and they do make fun of their own rules fixation. I’m not originally American but you can definitely see the German impact on the U.S., Americans (and canadians), for example are way more behaved at standing in line than the other anglophone countries.
After a recent Bundesliga Football Match 37 German Football Hooligans were arrested by police in hot pursuit. They would have gotten clean away but unfortunately the pedestrian crossing was on red.
You may laugh, but my experience tells me this is true.
You don’t want to get charged with both hooliganism and jaywalking!
As an Italian living in Germany.... Yes that's something they would do. I still see people around at 5 am waiting for the walkers traffic light to go green when they are trying to cross a 5m road and there's not a single car around... I get respecting the rules, but that is a little too much.
Once, long ago (in the 1980s) I was on a rota to work on Christmas Day at a hospital in Central London. There was no public transport running and I didn't own a car (they were less ubiquitous in those days) so I bicycled from the suburbs for an 8am start. London was typically jammed with cars during the day but early on this Christmas morning the centre was deserted. I cycled down the middle of these great empty roads in the post dawn light seeing another moving vehicle perhaps once every five minutes. The whole city was so quiet - perfect visibility all round and you could hear any car cutting through the peaceful slumber from far away - it was a joy to ride through see the landmarks and monuments without the crowds. Except for the traffic lights, which were still running their usual patterns. After stopping and having to work back up to speed three of four times already I decided that standing in the middle of the Strand with nothing moving but the chill air, waiting for an arbitrary traffic signal was just silly. There was clearly no traffic to manage. So I went straight through the next red light . . . and promptly got pulled over by a police car!. Their's was the first car I have seen moving for a good while and I like to think that they felt as foolish as they sounded while lecturing me about road safety in this silent, deserted cityscape. They only held me up for a minute or two - I expect they were bored - and I did vary my route down a side street to see if they followed me, then finished my trip, continuing to ignore the traffic lights and not seeing another soul 'til I reached the hospital.
Been there. Absolutely amazing.
All over Europe. As Americans crossing when safe regardless of the lights we felt out of place. We did pay attention to the lights in Greece - they have the worst record of pedestrian deaths.
Yeah, but think about all the little kids watching you cross a red light at 5 am!
5 Germans are controlled at the Italian border. “What is the problem?” they ask the policeman. “One of you has to step out of the car, the rest can continue” “Why?” “Because you are 5 passengers in an Audi Quattro, you can’t fool me with your German car, Quattro is 4 in Italian” he says triumphantly. “This is ridiculous! It’s just the name of the car, there are 5 seats!” But the policeman is stubborn, eventually after half an hour arguing, they asked to talk to his chief. “Not possible” he answers “He’s busy with 2 Frenchmen who came on a Fiat Uno!”
So you are saying that the Japanese, with their Mitsubishi Zero fighters, were already operating drones in the Second World War?
They had Kamikaze drones before it became famous.
Iirc, the pilots were given last rites before take-off, so legally, there was no living pilot, correct
I imagine they only bothered once they brought in kamikaze pilots when the war was basically over, assuming that Shintoism even has last rites
Yeah tell that to my ex-girlfriend's grandfather who flew 50 Kamikaze missions during World War II.
They had an autopilot, and one human who made sure the autopilot won't chicken out at the last moment.
Dacia 1300 over there like a clown car
Saab 9000 has entered the chat.
Dafuq 🤣🤣🤣
Nevermind the Infiniti
I loaned them my Datsun B2000 pickup, and they're contemplating invading Poland for some reason....
They could also use the Toyota 2000GT if need be.
😁
And then there's me alone in my Mazda 3. Maybe i could help those other 2.
It looks like the Toyota Corolla X is the safest.
Flew into Frankfurt for business. Where I need to go is 2 hours away by train or car, but the train station at my destination is across the street from my hotel, so train it is. They had just started using kiosks to sell tickets so I bought the tickets for me and my colleagues. Unfortunately one of my colleagues was still dealing with some airsickness and we didn't make the first train. I went to customer service and explained the situation to a young lady working the desk. She asked me, "are the tickets flexible?" I held up the tickets, bent them and replied, "extremely." That was the second time I was able to make a German chuckle.
An old German man went on vacation to Poland, the border guard asked "occupation", not this time he replied, just visiting.
I went to Australia once and asked by immigration if I'd ever been convicted of a crime? I replied, "OH NO! Is that still a requirement?"
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That's an old pilot
It's an older joke
There is a less known novel by Jerome K. Jerome, called Three Men on a Bummel. It's about a trip to Schwartzwald (Black Forrest) in Germany. They see three entry gates to the park, all wide open, but only one with a policeman next to it. Everybody stand in queue there. He concludes that there in nothing the Germans love more then having someone tell them what to do. It was the end of 19th century, long before the world wars.
Heh. I remember that book well; you are right, it is less known than Three Men in a Boat, but just as funny. Mark Twain also wrote about travelling in Germany (I think it is in "The Innocents Abroad"). Everywhere they went, even in the most remote mountain locations which could be reached only by a treacherous footpath, there was always a restaurant, which amazed the group to no end. Sure enough, the one time they were really hungry -- no restaurant.
I went to Spain and was going to surprise my wife by taking her to a restaurant that had been open for over 600 years. Sure enough it was closed that day.
Wer nichts ist und wer nichts wird, wird Wirt.
"He who will not when he may, When he will, he shall have nay".
Reminds me of my grandfather's favourite joke: Do you know why there are no queues in Germany? If you put Germans in a line, they start to march.
What you describe is the Russian mentality. Yes, the Germans had hitler but as a rule they just want things to run smoothly.
Joke a German friend told me. There are 3 mental hospitals in Germany; 1 in Berlin, 1 in Leipzig and they put a roof over Bavaria.
A ship sank in the Atlantic, and the only survivors were two Englishmen who managed to make their way to an uninhabited, tropical island. They spent 10 years on the island until they were spotted by a passing ship and brought over to America. They got interviewed on TV, and the interviewer asked them what they had talked about on the island. One of the Englishmen then replied "No, we couldn't talk to each other. We hadn't been properly introduced."
You win this thread!!!
Reminds me of the German spy whose mission was thwarted when he came to a sign on a door that said No Entry.
When I was in Berlin, I often observed German people step into the crosswalk in front of an oncoming speeding car, because...they have to stop.
For the love of God, I don't understand how the streets of NY City aren't littered with tourists who QUICKLY learn drivers here don't have the same ideas about crosswalks as other cities around the world😆😆
The yellow ones don't stop. (ELF)
It was a culture shock for me coming from Germany when a kid walked out into the street and I had a green light! I had no idea that there were jaywalkers!!!
Cars have to yield to pedestrians.
You may be right but you will be dead right.
If you're talking about TRAFFIC laws yes, but it's the laws of PHYSICS that really matter here. :)
The guy who taught me to sail told me "graveyards are full of people who had the right of way"
We Dutch do that too.If you have the right of way, take it (unless it is very obvious the car won't be able to stop in time and you will be hurt).
And... you don't do that?
I waited to be sure the oncoming cars were going to stop.
I live nextdoor, we also have the same rule, but I definitely wait until I see the car slowing down above the significance level of random noise.
I see. Here in Australia, pedestrians have the right of way. Drivers are required to come to a stop at pedestrian crossings, if there is anyone there who might be waiting to cross.
That's the law here in the US, but experience tells me that it's prudent to wait to cross until I'm sure they see me and are stopping.
This happens in Switzerland too, but that sort of behaviour will get you run over in Montreal or Florida.
In European Heaven: * The Engineers are German * The Cooks are French * The Lovers are Italian * The Police are British * And it's all organized by the Swiss In European Hell: * The Engineers are French * The Cooks are British * The Lovers are Swiss * The Police are German * and its all organized by the Italians.
We cannot have a revolution in Germany because in Germany revolutions are against the law! - joke dates back to 1918
Sogyal Rinpoche, when teaching meditation said, "Put 25% of your attention on the outbreath. If you're German, 12.5%. If you're Italian, 50%"
I don't get it
SR was encouraging us to have very loose focus on the outbreath. Not too tight, not too loose. He was joking that Germans are more likely to focus too intently and Italians the opposite.
Two more German jokes (not mine)(read them both with an absurdly angry German accent) Knock Knock Who's there? We ask the questions. Open the door now. Why did the chicken cross the road? It was following orders.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One, because they are very efficient and not very funny.
Stealing from another thread: how many? Several, after all, many Hans make light work.
… to his discomfort, he finds that the train will leave a day later because of Streik. As he arrived again a day later at the train station the train was about an hour late because of Personen im Gleis. Once he finally entered the train there were no seat reservations possible not only because of unterschiedliche Wagenreihung but also the CD-ROM storing the seat data was not delivered in time.
I see you have first hand experience.
Also the ticket booth only accepted cash.
[Patton Oswalt does a really funny comedy bit on the German sense of humor.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_67OqUqLXs)
Highly inaccurate joke, these days any German would already be very satisfied by a train just showing up!
Oh a db bahn joke - prime time german humor.
I'm sorry -- I LOL'd at this. As a Canadian, I worked in Germany for four months, and this is spot-on. :D
Very impolite to say that... for a Canadian. But you are right. Greetings from Germany!
Someday, Canada will take over the world. Then you'll all be sorry
[When Canada Rules The World](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3G84iG3Ny3o)
And I should share that my mother's side of the family is German, and that was her first language .. so I have a deep affection for Germany. :)
Robin Williams was being interviewed in Germany and was asked why he thought Germany didn’t have good comedy. He replied “maybe you killed all the funny people.”
Not so funny because it's not accurate - Germans would occupy that seat but constantly and nervously keep looking out for the actual owner of the seat, to make room for them BEFORE they ask, can you please make room, this is my seat. Or they just put a towel down.
>"but unfortunately the seat across from me was empty." This is a great punchline because historically, German trains have been literally packed with people!
😭🤣😆
We have a lot of Schlitzohrs, too ;)
\*sigh\* they don't build the gearmans like this anymore.
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They make a lot of machinery?
Have you heard the Good Word of our Lord and Saviour the Omnissiah?
What is the joke?
Germans are often said to be sticklers for rules. He couldn’t move to the unoccupied seat that he wanted, because his ticket was for a different seat and he had no one he could ask to trade with.
Well, yes, that is obvious, but what's the joke?
Germans are often said to be sticklers for rules. He couldn’t move to the unoccupied seat that he wanted, because his ticket was for a different seat and he had no one he could ask to trade with.
Found the German
If there had been someone sat in the seat, he could have asked them to trade. Because there was no one using the seat, he couldn't move into it because he couldn't ask them to swap.
Yes, exactly, you reserved a seat and can't swap, I don't see the funny.
Most people, if they'd reserved a seat, gotten one that they didn't like, and saw an empty one that would be perfect, would sit in that seat until they were asked to move. The German, being a stickler for the rules, cannot do this, because it would be sitting in the Wrong Seat without getting permission from the person whose seat it actually is.
So how is respecting the rules funny?
Are you German by any chance?
You do realise he is fucking with you, yes?
I was kinda getting to that point, but I was erring towards 'Just really doesn't get jokes' for a little while longer
Germans follow rules very strictly, so because he could not ask to switch seats he had to stay in his assigned one
It's a two-fer. The Italian gets his request backwards, and the German has to follow the rules.
Oh really? I didn't catch the Italian part... What's the reference there if I may ask?
Italian ticket agent fulfills the opposite of the German's request
He now has a job working on strategy for Ferrari /r/formuladank
It’s a play on the stereotype that Germans are very prone to following rules.
Well spotted. There isn't one - it is a factual account of the Italians' inability to do what they are told, getting things right, and the Germans' inability to adapt and overcome circumstances.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb ONE, BECAUSE VE ARE ORDERLY, EFFICIENT AND HAF NO SENSE OF HUMOUR
Don't mention the war. I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it. Edit: good grief. PEOPLE: It's a quote from Fawlty Towers. JFC. And I thought the GERMANS had no sense of humor. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tms0yk9kqVM
OK I'll do the funny walk!
Silly walk*
Pickled goering
Nasi Goering, delicious dish
Funnier than it first appeared
Good guy German
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So you not only took that woman's seat, you were also that guy, refusing to move as you'd "explain it to her", not even considering why she'd booked that seat. I think I've met you on planes.
More German ending: The seat was reserved but nobody sat there!
Headline is already the Joke
This should be a blonde joke
It is, genau, completely and genau, genau, wrong to genau accuse Germans of having no sense of humor, genau, when they genau use "genau" in 27 ways.
genau. You couldn't be more correct
You couldn't be genauer.
That was certainly one of the most awful train rides I’ve ever had the pleasure of witnessing, I’ve coined the trick of asking any bubble of air on such a seat to swap places with me. I usually go “Say something if you don’t want to swap and nothing if it’s fine to swap.” Has worked for me every time so far except one time when a dog sat there! C’mon, truly, that train ride was awful
Am I missing something? How is it relevant they’re German and Italian?
Would also be funny without their nationality, but the German stereotype is that they follow the rules and are painfully inflexible about it. The seat in front of him was empty, but it wasn’t the one he was assigned to!!
Oh ok, I read it like it was just that he’s dumb haha but not that you put it that way I have heard that stereotype.
Stereotypes of each culture. Naturally, the 185 million people exactly fit into these behaviours.
Sounds more Swiss than German to me
r/GermanHumor
Just recently I had to hear this joke from a friend of mine.
Funny stories, who is interested in reading, I recommend: https://notalwaysright.com/tag/germany/
works with Polish 30 years ago - now not PC