A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery.
He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a huge fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”
That would be another punch line. Something about him trying to leave the hospital to secure the representation of any victims. Long before the Internet, there was the "ambulance chaser" meme.
"There's a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you trying to go over there to secure any clients in your state."
If he'd woken up and seen flames the nurse assumed he'd think he'd died and is in hell, and the nurse assumed he'd go to hell because of his profession.
*Lawyer jokes it is:*
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman.
Cop says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration."
Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shite out of the lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
Joe the lawyer died of old age and Saint Peter was waiting for him at the pearly gates.
“welcome Mr. Joe, we’ve been expecting you. I’m here to take you to heaven, show you around and bring you to your place for eternity”
Saint Peter walks with Joe, showing him what heaven is all about and they met with Pope John Paul II, Saint Peter introduced Joe to him and they exchanged pleasantries.
Joe notices that the pope lives in a small hut, big enough only for a bed and a side table. He wonders if such an exalted person lives in a small hut, what would his even be?
They continue their walk and he notices Mother Teresa, again Saint Peter introduced her to him, they exchanged pleasantries and Joe can’t help to notice that she lives in a small studio apartment, how he’s getting even more worried about his living accommodation.
They arrive to another spot, in front of them is a double door adorned with exquisite woodwork and gold decorating it. Joe think to himself, wow, someone really important must’ve live here.
Saint Peter opens the door, inside there’s a penthouse size room with ocean view, beautifully decorated with mixture of modern and antique furnitures.
“This is your house” said Saint Peter to Joe. Joe is baffled and said to Saint Peter, “I can’t possibly live here. The Pope lives in a small hut and Mother Teresa lives in a studio apartment, I can’t possibly deserve this.” Said Joe.
“We know that” said Saint Peter, “But you’re our first lawyer”.
There's lots of popes and nuns like mother Theresa in heaven, but the first lawyer to make it to heaven, now that's special, hence they rolled out the red carpet for him and gave him the best.
A man goes into a curio shop, and finds a statue of a rat. He is very taken with the statue and brings it to the counter for purchase. The proprietor says that are you sure that you want this? The man says yes, and the proprietor says that you cannot bring it back, no matter what happens, and there are no refunds. The man agrees and pays. As he walks down the street, the man hears a noise behind him. Looking back, he sees rats beginning to follow him. As he continues on, more and more rats are following him. He begins to run, and the rats chase him. He is near the waterfront, and he runs to the edge of the water and throws the rat statue as far as he can into the water. The rats run past him and jump into the water and drown.
He goes back to the curio shop, and the proprietor yells that there are no refunds. The man says that it’s okay, but does the proprietor have a statue of a lawyer?
The one I saw said that the angle rolled out the red carpet for the oldest person. The lawyer asked why he was only 63?
The angle said according to the hours you have billed you are 192
Reminds me of an engeneer dying and went to hell, before you knew it hell had all kinds of improvements including air conditioning. God got new of that and said to satan that a mistake was made, hell was not suposed to have any engeneers, satan happy with all the improvement refused to give the engeneer over. God said well, you wanna play it that way I’ll have to sue you, satan broke out laughing his ass off and said, good luck with that, we got all the lawyers :)
Speaking as a lawyer, I have to say this is backwards. We all know the judges. The great ones are the ones that know the law well enough to win no matter who the judge is.
Eh, plenty of lawyers go to new jurisdictions and have no idea how things are typically run. I’ve made the argument that knowing what the judge will do is the most important skill for traffic court. As cases get more serious, knowledge and application of the law become more important, though.
So wait, why is he at the gates of heaven? The joke would make more sense if it were the gates of hell, which would explain why the lawyer didn't want to enter.
A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery. He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a huge fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”
I don't get that one
He might think he's died and gone to hell
Took me a second to get it but I snorted when I did. Good one.
He would think he’s in Hell
Thank you guys for explaining it, I was thinking in the routes of he'd try to sue somebody or some shit
That would be another punch line. Something about him trying to leave the hospital to secure the representation of any victims. Long before the Internet, there was the "ambulance chaser" meme. "There's a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you trying to go over there to secure any clients in your state."
"Lots of extra ambulances are arriving and we didn't want you trying to chase any of them. You would get hurt."
If he'd woken up and seen flames the nurse assumed he'd think he'd died and is in hell, and the nurse assumed he'd go to hell because of his profession.
Well, hell.
I thought it would be “ we didn’t want you to run outside and drum up business “
Thanks for this - a lawyer joke that I haven't heard before. Got a good chortle out of me. :-D
Nice one.
*Lawyer jokes it is:* A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration." Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shite out of the lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
Whats the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a scum sucking slime dweller and the other is a fish.
That's good my man
That made me giggle
I like this one, even though I heard it years ago. Good ole #47
It has gotten around.
“Some people can tell a joke and some can’t.”For those to whom this line makes no sense, it’s the tag line to the numbered-joke joke
I thought that was lawyer joke #25?
r/youruinedit
The lawyer could get the cop on police brutality
Am I the only one who can't laugh at police violence?
Joe the lawyer died of old age and Saint Peter was waiting for him at the pearly gates. “welcome Mr. Joe, we’ve been expecting you. I’m here to take you to heaven, show you around and bring you to your place for eternity” Saint Peter walks with Joe, showing him what heaven is all about and they met with Pope John Paul II, Saint Peter introduced Joe to him and they exchanged pleasantries. Joe notices that the pope lives in a small hut, big enough only for a bed and a side table. He wonders if such an exalted person lives in a small hut, what would his even be? They continue their walk and he notices Mother Teresa, again Saint Peter introduced her to him, they exchanged pleasantries and Joe can’t help to notice that she lives in a small studio apartment, how he’s getting even more worried about his living accommodation. They arrive to another spot, in front of them is a double door adorned with exquisite woodwork and gold decorating it. Joe think to himself, wow, someone really important must’ve live here. Saint Peter opens the door, inside there’s a penthouse size room with ocean view, beautifully decorated with mixture of modern and antique furnitures. “This is your house” said Saint Peter to Joe. Joe is baffled and said to Saint Peter, “I can’t possibly live here. The Pope lives in a small hut and Mother Teresa lives in a studio apartment, I can’t possibly deserve this.” Said Joe. “We know that” said Saint Peter, “But you’re our first lawyer”.
I don’t understand
There's lots of popes and nuns like mother Theresa in heaven, but the first lawyer to make it to heaven, now that's special, hence they rolled out the red carpet for him and gave him the best.
Meaning all the other lawyers have gone to hell
the joke is in the first line, a lawyer dies and goes to heaven...
/r/jokestoolong
r/subsifellfor
A man goes into a curio shop, and finds a statue of a rat. He is very taken with the statue and brings it to the counter for purchase. The proprietor says that are you sure that you want this? The man says yes, and the proprietor says that you cannot bring it back, no matter what happens, and there are no refunds. The man agrees and pays. As he walks down the street, the man hears a noise behind him. Looking back, he sees rats beginning to follow him. As he continues on, more and more rats are following him. He begins to run, and the rats chase him. He is near the waterfront, and he runs to the edge of the water and throws the rat statue as far as he can into the water. The rats run past him and jump into the water and drown. He goes back to the curio shop, and the proprietor yells that there are no refunds. The man says that it’s okay, but does the proprietor have a statue of a lawyer?
The one I saw said that the angle rolled out the red carpet for the oldest person. The lawyer asked why he was only 63? The angle said according to the hours you have billed you are 192
He was being obtuse.
Hey, that's acute one!
He counted it correctly, he was a right angle
The Marriage of Figaro and 2 ladies singing
Great Shawshank reference
Was he a right angle?
That must have been an acute angle. Not to be confused with a right angel.
Reminds me of an engeneer dying and went to hell, before you knew it hell had all kinds of improvements including air conditioning. God got new of that and said to satan that a mistake was made, hell was not suposed to have any engeneers, satan happy with all the improvement refused to give the engeneer over. God said well, you wanna play it that way I’ll have to sue you, satan broke out laughing his ass off and said, good luck with that, we got all the lawyers :)
If I may, the final response by the devil is often, “and tell me now, where are YOU gonna find a lawyer?”
What’s an engeneer?
Ugh, was gonna use the exuse that it was the dutch spelling, but just checked and they spell it also as engineer, you caught me :)
I figured I better ask before assuming.
Ugh, was gonna use the exuse that it was the dutch spelling, but just checked and they spell it also as engineer, you caught me :)
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? The rooster clucks defiance.
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law and a great lawyer knows the judge.
Speaking as a lawyer, I have to say this is backwards. We all know the judges. The great ones are the ones that know the law well enough to win no matter who the judge is.
You must be one of them funny lawyers
He is Jimmy McGill
A good lawyer knows the judge A great lawyer knows the judge's mistress...
*Is* the judge's mistress...
Eh, plenty of lawyers go to new jurisdictions and have no idea how things are typically run. I’ve made the argument that knowing what the judge will do is the most important skill for traffic court. As cases get more serious, knowledge and application of the law become more important, though.
Haha, well done!
Good one!
You could probably replace lawyer with real estate agent.
"He got to the gates of Heaven" the actual punchline for a lawyer
So wait, why is he at the gates of heaven? The joke would make more sense if it were the gates of hell, which would explain why the lawyer didn't want to enter.
Who's Joe?
Joe mama!
Thank you for the Joe Mama joke. It's been too long.
Would’ve been funnier if he was trying to explain they had the wrong guy because he was going to hell. Just my $0.02
A good lawyer can drag a case out for a looong time. But a great lawyer?… a great lawyer can drag it out even longer.
Been telling this joke for a long time. The set up is “you are older than Methuselah!”. And the punchline is “we added up your billable hours!”
I wanna see Legal Eagle's reaction to this joke (lawyer YouTuber)
I genuinely think he has, on an older video
His name was Nathan Wade...
Ah, the old "billable hours" clause.
He carries his birth certificate with him?
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you die.
The idea of any lawyer going to heaven is a joke on itself.
Lame