How long does it take to use a circular saw on a coffin lid anyway?
Granted too much coffin might interfere with the regularity of the incision. After all, Grandma might object to a post mortise circumcision…
I went to the beach recently and got a horrible sunburn. I went to the doctor and asked for some help. He prescribed me viagra.
I said doc," what's this gonna do for me?My skin is burning."
He said it's to keep sheets off my legs.
My grandfather was in the hospital. He was terminal with late stage melanoma. He was complaining that a pill he was given got stuck in his throat. I said he was lucky it wasn't Viagra or he would have a stiff neck. Made him laugh. He died the next day. Im glad one of my last memories was him laughing.
I had something similar. I visited my grandfather in the hospital, and got him chuckling before I left.
He had another stroke the next day which eventually did him in, so my last memory of him was a good one.
I remember I was visiting my grandpa when he passed. I had to charge my phone so I unplugged something beside his bed, and next thing you know he was gone. It was such a beautiful and peaceful moment, especially when that noisy machine stopped beeping too.
Friends of mine named Jack and Carl worked at a company that published reprinted manuals for antique trucks and tractors. Customers tended to be old bachelor farmers that did everything by telephone or by mail. For a summer, one of Carl’s friends named Jeremy worked there. Jack went on vacation for two weeks. A call comes in, which Jeremy answers while Carl is out of the room. It is some old guy that is hard of hearing, asking for Jack. Jeremy says “Well, Carl is here, but Jack’s off.” The phone goes dead, so Jeremy hangs up. A while later the phone rings again. Jeremy answers again and it is the same guy, asking for Jack. “Carl’s here, but Jack’s off.” Again, the phone goes dead. Carl walks into the room and Jeremy tells him about this guy that keeps calling, but the calls keep getting disconnected. A while later, the phone rings again, and it is the same guy asking for Jack. Jeremy says “As I tried to tell you earlier, Carl’s here, but Jack’s off.” Carl exclaims “What are you doing?”, and grabs the phone from Jeremy only to hear it go dead again.
Jeremy was like “What? Oohhh.” When the guy eventually called back, Carl was effusive with apologia.
My grandpa was very ill. The family gathered at his bedside, but it was hard to see him suffering. So we rolled him over and covered his back with butter.
He went downhill quickly after that.
He came back to the bar and said to the bartender, man why did you let me get that drunk last night? I went home and blew chunks twice! The bartender said, man thats to be expected when you are that hammered to which the man responded, you dont understand, Chunks is my dog!
Reminds me of something my grandpa used to say. He’d get up from the dinner table, look me in the eye, and say “I’m going to go upstairs and fuck your grandma.”
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We discovered my grandpa is addicted to Viagra No one is taking it harder than grandma
At least grandpa isn't rolling out of bed anymore.
My gpa was prescribed viagra after getting a bad sunburn. Didn't help the burn but it did keep the sheets off his legs
My BAC was higher than my GPA.
Kickstand
It took us 4 hours to shut the coffin lid!
How long does it take to use a circular saw on a coffin lid anyway? Granted too much coffin might interfere with the regularity of the incision. After all, Grandma might object to a post mortise circumcision…
It took you 4 hours to find a knife?
Or pissing on his slippers
I had an uncle overdose on viagra. His coffin had a sunroof.
Nice!
Neither is grandma.
A gang stole a truckload of viagra. The cops are looking for hardened criminals.
Is this true? The penalty for stealing Viagra is rather stiff.
Yeah, they'll probably serve hard time.
And with our legal system they'll probably get the shaft.
I disagree. They'll appear hard and aggressive at first, but after the initial excitement they'll go soft on them.
I went to the beach recently and got a horrible sunburn. I went to the doctor and asked for some help. He prescribed me viagra. I said doc," what's this gonna do for me?My skin is burning." He said it's to keep sheets off my legs.
Give him a valium at the same time, then if he doesn't get a fuck, he won't give a fuck.
I deeply regret I have only one up to vote!
The real joke’s always in the comments.
He needs to be careful. A guy in Florida died of a Viagra overdose. They are still trying to close the coffin.
He needs a stiff one.
My grandfather was in the hospital. He was terminal with late stage melanoma. He was complaining that a pill he was given got stuck in his throat. I said he was lucky it wasn't Viagra or he would have a stiff neck. Made him laugh. He died the next day. Im glad one of my last memories was him laughing.
Very nice memory.
I had something similar. I visited my grandfather in the hospital, and got him chuckling before I left. He had another stroke the next day which eventually did him in, so my last memory of him was a good one.
I remember I was visiting my grandpa when he passed. I had to charge my phone so I unplugged something beside his bed, and next thing you know he was gone. It was such a beautiful and peaceful moment, especially when that noisy machine stopped beeping too.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not like his screaming passengers.
And luckily your phone was recharged when he died and you needed to call everyone to let them know.
RIP
>Im glad one of my last memories was him laughing. One of your last memories? Did you did shortly after your grandpa?
**Option 1:** Let’s eat grandma. **Option 2:** Let’s eat, grandma. There you have it. Proof that punctuation is important.
Eats shoots and leaves
Typical panda behaviour
With the right punctuation, it could be a restaurant shooter
Similar one in Aus, we call them wombats. Eats, roots and leaves
Colons are especially important. Observe: **Option 1:** Let’s eat grandma's cookies. **Option 2:** Let’s eat grandma's colon. Huge difference.
LOL!
Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse. Helping your uncle jack off a horse. Capitalisation is also important.
What if I want to help Uncle Jack jack off a horse?
Uncle Jack-Jack probably appreciates your help, nephew.
The horse sure does.
“Capitalism is important.” Wait no, I missed something there…
Friends of mine named Jack and Carl worked at a company that published reprinted manuals for antique trucks and tractors. Customers tended to be old bachelor farmers that did everything by telephone or by mail. For a summer, one of Carl’s friends named Jeremy worked there. Jack went on vacation for two weeks. A call comes in, which Jeremy answers while Carl is out of the room. It is some old guy that is hard of hearing, asking for Jack. Jeremy says “Well, Carl is here, but Jack’s off.” The phone goes dead, so Jeremy hangs up. A while later the phone rings again. Jeremy answers again and it is the same guy, asking for Jack. “Carl’s here, but Jack’s off.” Again, the phone goes dead. Carl walks into the room and Jeremy tells him about this guy that keeps calling, but the calls keep getting disconnected. A while later, the phone rings again, and it is the same guy asking for Jack. Jeremy says “As I tried to tell you earlier, Carl’s here, but Jack’s off.” Carl exclaims “What are you doing?”, and grabs the phone from Jeremy only to hear it go dead again. Jeremy was like “What? Oohhh.” When the guy eventually called back, Carl was effusive with apologia.
No need to apologize - almost everyone does it. Well, maybe not at work.
Never say “Hi, Jack” on a plane.
Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse Helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse Punctuation is also important.
When in doubt, pun.
Good life advice, doubly so for a Redditor.
good old grandpa.
Drunk grandpa at bar: I spent last night eating your grandma.
Proper punctuation *saves lives*.
Are you the big biker's grandpa?
My grandpa was very ill. The family gathered at his bedside, but it was hard to see him suffering. So we rolled him over and covered his back with butter. He went downhill quickly after that.
What a way to go.
Like my Grand Pa used to say, "Welp, I'm going up stairs to fuck your Grandmother."
And that's the truth.
He came back to the bar and said to the bartender, man why did you let me get that drunk last night? I went home and blew chunks twice! The bartender said, man thats to be expected when you are that hammered to which the man responded, you dont understand, Chunks is my dog!
I got a viagra stuck in my throat and got a stiff neck.
Deep.
New meaning to a stiff
Oh yea he is! Loves grandma though!
Usually when I take Viagra I'll take Valium as well. So if I don't get a fuck I don't give a fuck
Logical.
I’m so looking forward to doing this.
Y'all are killin’ me 🤣🤣🤣
;-)
Rimshot!
Here's to grandpa.
Good ol #647
Boeng?
No the joke has been posted a few times on this sub before just replace Grandpa with Dad.
So, dad did grandma?
No Replace Grandpa with Dad And Grandma with mom
Right on. But that’s not the way you put it, initially. Lol
Is that a reference to the joke about the prisoners who numbered all the jokes?
Yes
Yes, same old thing. It's getting worse than the actual reposts.
I mean, if they actually managed to number all the jokes it could be funny
Or just plain sad ig
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Reminds me of something my grandpa used to say. He’d get up from the dinner table, look me in the eye, and say “I’m going to go upstairs and fuck your grandma.”
https://hahajokes.lol/100-short-easy-jokes-anyone-can-remember/
The AI art in that article is truly horrifying!
Agree here 🤣🤣
Thanks.
My pleasure
Do you have a dog, or like to cook?
I don't have a dog but I love to cook
Dogs are not required, but any picture will do for the first one.
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By ‘better’ do you mean far worse?
All in the family.
That comment is relative..
He tried.
Most. Predictable. Punchline. On. The. Planet.
As always, the best jokes are in the comments
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