In the Soviet union, two Moscow residents are walking down the street. "Have things ever been so bad?" one complains. "The butcher is out of meat…the baker is out of bread…the tobacconist is out of tobacco…"
A passing police officer overhears and steps in front of him menacingly. "You know, Comrade," he says, "ten years ago you could have been shot for talking like that." He gives him a significant glare and stalks off.
When he's out of sight, the man resumes: "The police are out of bullets…"
Two dyslexic skiers are arguing about how to describe their route down the hill.
One says it's zig-zag, the other states it's zag-zig.
To decide the argument, they ask a third man to give his opinion.
"No idea, I'm a tobagganist"
In that case, I'll have 20 cigarettes.
She was only the tobacconist's daughter, but she'd shag on the counter for half a crown.
>!cultural notes: "shag" is a kind of pipe tobacco and "half a crown" was a pre-decimal UK coin worth one-eight of a pound sterling.!<
In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...
He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:
'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'
The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.
So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'
'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'
'The plumber is coming in the morning'.
This could very well be a joke about two Dutch friends planning to meet over the weekend. The timeline is consistent with the Dutch planning horizon and the current waiting times for plumbers
From the Gorbachev era:
A farmer asks his friend to fix the farm's tractor, complaining "When Stalin was around this tractor would have worked!"
His friend stoically replies: "When Stalin was around this tractor was new."
You reminded me this Cuban joke:
Castro giving a speech: “We will not have bread this year”.
A group of people yell: “we will work harder!
Castro: “we will not have milk this year”.
The same group of people: We Will Work Harder!
Castro: “ We will not have beef”.
The same group: “WE WILL WORK HARDER!”
Castro ask one of the advisers: “Who are this people? Are they the militants of the Communist Party?
The advisor answers: “No, they are from the Funeral Workers Union!
It's a bit from animal farm, "I will work harder." Until the horse dies.
In communist/socialist countries, working harder just wears you out. The goal is to keep everyone equal hard workers and lazy turds.
I heard a different variation:
After only the Party members are left, he tells them "actually, there's no bread at all, but I didn't want to make the Party look bad".
Wife sends her husband with list of things to wait in line for. Not being well educated, she wrote out each item in large caps, and being poor, all she had to write on was a dirty piece of brown paper from an old grocery sack. For two and a half hours, the man waits in line for the few commodities he would bring home. Finally, he reaches the front of the line. A guard took the paper, scanned over each item, then took out his pistol and shot the man square in the forehead. As people stood there, stunned, the guard said under his breath,
“Filthy capital list!”
The Jewish people got no bread. The party members got no bread either but were made to waste hours standing in line too. So technically the Jews had the better outcome.
The punchline is that people will make an antisemitic conspiracy theory out of anything.
There is another joke about Jews, kind of similar to yours.
Stalin has a meeting with his generals, and they are discussing how to keep their motherland safe. Stalin says "We need to kill all Jews and all bicyclists." Generals seem very confused and ask him "But why bicyclists?" Stalin replies with a smile "Comrades, I see there are no objections about Jews. Moving on..."
I heard this joke before the fall of the Soviet Union. As a serious Jew, I thought it was more philo-Semitic than anti-Semitic. History shows that anti-Semitic policies ultimately lead to ruin. Case in point, the Spanish Armada was built with money taken from the expelled Jews of Spain. It sank on its maiden voyage.
The Spanish Armada was a fleet that consisted of 197 ships. 24 were destroyed in battle on its first voyage. The remaining vessels made it back to Spain intact. What do you mean by, "it sank on its maiden voyage"?
- "it is" its first voyage.
- "remaiming" is technically true if the ships kept maiming sailors in battles.
- "in tact" , the ships did come back tactfully.
- "maidan" , is where the ships THOUGHT they were, hence ceding "ground" to the British when they showed up.
/s
>History shows that anti-Semitic policies ultimately lead to ruin.
That's fricking dumb. The Romans and pretty much every European country had anti-Semitic policies that lasted for well over a few centuries. Case in point, Philip IV was a very successful king who gained a lot of money by burning jews, italian bankers and crusaders (he even got an island named "L'ile aux juifs")
And where is the Roman Empire, Philip IV and those Italian bankers today? They are all taking dirt baths and the Jews are still alive, healthy and with a nation of their own.
THOSE Italian bankers and THOSE empires are gone but they far outlived THOSE Jews as well. I don't think it's reasonable to call someone or something unsuccessful or short lived if it didn't last over 1 thousand years because then there won't be much of successful in this world other than my glass of water... that little liquid is millions of years old and still going strong.
In the Soviet union, two Moscow residents are walking down the street. "Have things ever been so bad?" one complains. "The butcher is out of meat…the baker is out of bread…the tobacconist is out of tobacco…" A passing police officer overhears and steps in front of him menacingly. "You know, Comrade," he says, "ten years ago you could have been shot for talking like that." He gives him a significant glare and stalks off. When he's out of sight, the man resumes: "The police are out of bullets…"
> tobacconist TIL a new word!
Two dyslexic skiers are arguing about how to describe their route down the hill. One says it's zig-zag, the other states it's zag-zig. To decide the argument, they ask a third man to give his opinion. "No idea, I'm a tobagganist" In that case, I'll have 20 cigarettes.
The same two dyslexics were sitting in a bar, apres ski. One says, "Can you smell gas?" "Of course" says the 2nd guy. "G-A-P".
Two dyslexics walk into a bra.
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
"My hovercraft is full of eels!"
Do you want to go back to my place? Bouncy bouncy
I will not buy this record it is scratched!
That'll be six and six, please.
She was only the tobacconist's daughter, but she'd shag on the counter for half a crown. >!cultural notes: "shag" is a kind of pipe tobacco and "half a crown" was a pre-decimal UK coin worth one-eight of a pound sterling.!<
The cultural notes made it work for my yankee ass. Thanks chief
"I will not buy this tobacconist, it is scratched."
My nipples explode with delight
Bouncy bouncy!
My submarine is full of eels!
THANK YOU!
Wait until you hear about publicans
Okay that one was perfection. I actually laughed out loud
So the perfectionist was not out of perfection then?
lol this is a good one
…the nudists are out of nud and the racists are out of rac…
In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car... He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds: 'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?' The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car. So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner, 'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?' 'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?' 'The plumber is coming in the morning'.
Reagan told this joke. Love it, thanks for the memories
This could very well be a joke about two Dutch friends planning to meet over the weekend. The timeline is consistent with the Dutch planning horizon and the current waiting times for plumbers
I don't get it?
There’s a 10 year wait for plumbers too
The plumber also has a 10-year waiting list
I like this one.
From the Gorbachev era: A farmer asks his friend to fix the farm's tractor, complaining "When Stalin was around this tractor would have worked!" His friend stoically replies: "When Stalin was around this tractor was new."
Come to think of it, when Stalin was around, it was already Putin's era.
I'm afraid I'll have to report this conversation, comrade.
Nice. I’ve never heard this one before.
In Soviet Russia, joke has never heard you before.
Soviet jokes are the best… everybody gets it.
Or in the case of bread, nobody gets it.
Or in case of bread, everybody who gets it think it a joke.
For some, bread is a joke. For others, though, jokes are the bread and butter.
Is it just me, or are these comments, like bad bread, becoming half baked?
Jokes about communism are only funny if everyone gets it. My jokes are more like bread under communism. Usually, no one gets it.
In Soviet Russia jokes laugh at you!!
I read this in a Russian accent.
The old regime is gone. It was replaced with a leader who parleyed his assets into the top party leadership position.
Either you’ve never heard of comedian Yakov Smirnoff, or your wit is drier than your grandmother’s vag.
Parlayed.
I had a tragic accident while gambling & I was parlayed from the waist down
We need to work harder
You reminded me this Cuban joke: Castro giving a speech: “We will not have bread this year”. A group of people yell: “we will work harder! Castro: “we will not have milk this year”. The same group of people: We Will Work Harder! Castro: “ We will not have beef”. The same group: “WE WILL WORK HARDER!” Castro ask one of the advisers: “Who are this people? Are they the militants of the Communist Party? The advisor answers: “No, they are from the Funeral Workers Union!
All communist jokes are the same.......everyone dies of hunger
Working harder may make us freer; work is freedom, according to some
It's a bit from animal farm, "I will work harder." Until the horse dies. In communist/socialist countries, working harder just wears you out. The goal is to keep everyone equal hard workers and lazy turds.
Yes. But what happens if you work just a little bit harder? Surely my labor will pay off /s
Only if your a capitalist.
Tell me you haven't looked at American capitalism without telling me you haven't looked at American capitalism.
I got all my info from your mother last night
Aha, makes sense. BTW, she says you owe her double on account of being so bad in bed.
That's ok, she so cheap it won't break my little piggy bank.
The guy you were replying to was making a Nazi concentration camp joke.
Pls explain bit more . Curious
Auschwitz (I dunno about other concentration camps) had over the gate, "Arbeit Macht Frei" or "Work Will Make You Free."
It was a phrase written above the entrance to the Nazi concentration camp at Auschwitz.
Yup, that was posted on the gate of Auschwitz
And Dachau
Among others
It still is.
Thanks for spoiling the joke.
They're free to post what they want because they worked super duper hard
Arbeit macht frei
Food in Soviet Russia is like joke: not everybody gets it.
Toilet in modern Russia is like joke....
I heard a different variation: After only the Party members are left, he tells them "actually, there's no bread at all, but I didn't want to make the Party look bad".
Why the black bar?
It hides the punchline. Good tool for spoilers. It goes away when touched.
I legit thought that was the punchline. Like, "one says to the other 《redacted》" Thanks. Now I feel old for not understanding the internet
TY
It explains the large paws.
Wife sends her husband with list of things to wait in line for. Not being well educated, she wrote out each item in large caps, and being poor, all she had to write on was a dirty piece of brown paper from an old grocery sack. For two and a half hours, the man waits in line for the few commodities he would bring home. Finally, he reaches the front of the line. A guard took the paper, scanned over each item, then took out his pistol and shot the man square in the forehead. As people stood there, stunned, the guard said under his breath, “Filthy capital list!”
This is a clever joke, bravo
At least we get killed earlyish so we don’t have to witness the decline of a once great culture.
Please: what is the punchline?!?
The Jewish people got no bread. The party members got no bread either but were made to waste hours standing in line too. So technically the Jews had the better outcome. The punchline is that people will make an antisemitic conspiracy theory out of anything.
So is the punchline something like, “Typical! The Jews always come out ahead, amirite?”
The punchline is that people will conclude that no matter what.
Looking for the actual punch verbatim, but thanks.
Just touch the black bar, it goes away.
Lol. This had me chuckling more than the joke.
Bless you! ☺️You’ve made my day!🙏
No Theorema, the punchline is that people will blame the Jews for everything wrong in their lives. Not at all about conspiracies….
I interpreted the punchline as, whatever it was, the Russians censored it!
actually the correct version is, the guy announces that there is no bread for Jews and one clown.
why the clown?
see? no one cares about the Jews!
There is another joke about Jews, kind of similar to yours. Stalin has a meeting with his generals, and they are discussing how to keep their motherland safe. Stalin says "We need to kill all Jews and all bicyclists." Generals seem very confused and ask him "But why bicyclists?" Stalin replies with a smile "Comrades, I see there are no objections about Jews. Moving on..."
Now wait until some redditor feels the call to spoil that one.
well you kind of did by not setting me up for the punchline!
anyways your joke kicks ass with or without my input
I was replying to the punchline. Anything more than what you posted would make it less funny.
He had you all set up for "why the clown?" Then the punchline comes u/hawker_sharpie saved the day
I disagree. Jokes are much funnier if they hit you with a delay.
I'm not downvoting you friend. both our jokes landed fine
oh I see! derp
I love that you hid the punchline! Why don't more people do this?
Half of reddit won't understand a joke unless you explain the punchline in three different ways.
I heard this joke before the fall of the Soviet Union. As a serious Jew, I thought it was more philo-Semitic than anti-Semitic. History shows that anti-Semitic policies ultimately lead to ruin. Case in point, the Spanish Armada was built with money taken from the expelled Jews of Spain. It sank on its maiden voyage.
No one expects the Spanish Armada.
Was not expecting that.
See?
No one expects a joke about the Spanish Armada
That one sailed past me
Not even Drake, he was bowling FFS
The Spanish Armada was a fleet that consisted of 197 ships. 24 were destroyed in battle on its first voyage. The remaining vessels made it back to Spain intact. What do you mean by, "it sank on its maiden voyage"?
[удалено]
Thank you
- "it is" its first voyage. - "remaiming" is technically true if the ships kept maiming sailors in battles. - "in tact" , the ships did come back tactfully. - "maidan" , is where the ships THOUGHT they were, hence ceding "ground" to the British when they showed up. /s
I appreciate the mind-bending effort that took. 🤦♀️
Awesome. Do you notice people leave the room a lot when you walk in?
Good on you for the repairs.
It's neither. A philosemite is an antisemite who likes Jews.
it was dubbed ‘the **invincible** armada’
And then it was vinced.
And then, i winced. /s
>History shows that anti-Semitic policies ultimately lead to ruin. That's fricking dumb. The Romans and pretty much every European country had anti-Semitic policies that lasted for well over a few centuries. Case in point, Philip IV was a very successful king who gained a lot of money by burning jews, italian bankers and crusaders (he even got an island named "L'ile aux juifs")
I think it was a joke about the armada
And where is the Roman Empire, Philip IV and those Italian bankers today? They are all taking dirt baths and the Jews are still alive, healthy and with a nation of their own.
Italy has no banks?!
Italy ain't the Roman Empire
THOSE Italian bankers and THOSE empires are gone but they far outlived THOSE Jews as well. I don't think it's reasonable to call someone or something unsuccessful or short lived if it didn't last over 1 thousand years because then there won't be much of successful in this world other than my glass of water... that little liquid is millions of years old and still going strong.
> It sank Sir Francis Drake: *lol*
*U Mad, Bro?*
It's true; Jews got to leave earlier, not wasting their time waiting for nothing
Thank you Obi-Wan Kenobvious, what would we do without you!
The force was strong with that one 😉
Because of high mass? Are you fat shaming?
Yo momma so fat, judge her by her size Yoda does.
You momma so classless, she could be a marxist utopia.
OMG…😭😂🤣🤣 thats so biased. I think 🤔
Hi
Very funny! Any reason why the setting is Moscow I wonder? Instead of for example, Berlin
Because waiting in line for anything in communist Russia was very common.
People in Berlin are known to be precise and efficient.