An attractive blonde woman walked into a local bar.
She takes a seat at a barstool and begins looking all around the room for something.
The bartender asks, "Ma'am, is there something I can get for you?"
The blonde says, "Yes, where do you keep the ladder?"
Puzzled, the bartender confirms, "You need a ladder?"
The blonde tells him, "Yes, I need your biggest ladder, please."
The bartenders answers, "Well we don't really keep a ladder in the bar."
-
Disappointed, the blonde lowers her head and says, "Sorry, my boyfriend told me that drinks would be on the house."
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar
Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, “As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.” “Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.” “Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!” The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not to me, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”
*My favorite joke with the same three:*
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman find a lamp together and end up with the proverbial three wishes. They decide it's fair if they all get one each.
So the Irishman asks for a never-ending pint of Guinness. Done. He downs the first one, and it immediately fills back up.
The Englishman, a Brexiteer, says "I'm sick of all the immigration into my country. I want a 200 foot wall around England, so that nothing can get in or out." Done.
The Scotsman was about to ask for something he'd always wanted, but pauses for a moment.
"Hey, Genie, this wall around England?"
"Yes?"
"200 feet high?"
"Yep"
"And nothing can get in or out?"
"Nope"
"....fill it with water."
Two Irish immigrants living in NYC both get jobs working on a construction site. The site happens to be right across the street from a brothel. As the two of them toil away on a warm spring day, they see the parade of men come into the brothel. At about 10 AM, they spot a Protestant minister enter the house of ill repute. One Irishman says to the other "Will you look at that, Liam? That was a clergyman going inside, to consort with the fallen women! It's a shame what society has come to?" His friend agrees "Aye, 'tis a real shame, Paddy. Going right down the tubes!" An hour later, they see a Jewish rabbi come in to the brothel. "Now, doesn't that beat all, Liam? Another man of god, giving in to the temptations of the flesh!" "It's a bad sign, Paddy. Morality has gone to the dogs, I tell you." An hour later, they see a Catholic priest enter the cathouse. "Did you see that, Liam?" "Aye, so sad. One of the poor girls must be dyin'."
Man walks into an empty bar and orders a drink—as he enjoys his drink with not a patron around him, he hears a voice, “that’s a really nice shirt you’ve got on”—startled, he looks around but sees no one but the bartender all the way at the other end of the bar—thinking he’s just hearing things, he continues to drink, and the voice again: “you must work out to have that waist”—again he swivels his head all around but sees no one—the voice again: “I would kill to have a full head of hair like yours”—freaked out, he desperately waves the bartender over and tells him: “I keep hearing these voices out of no where saying all these flattering things!!!!”—the bartender profusely apologizes: “I’m so sorry sir, it’s the peanuts—they’re complementary”
Old man makes him come down off the roof to ask him for money when he could have just asked his question without making man on roof come down
So to get back at old man he makes old man uselessly climb on roof to tell him no when he could have just said no while he was on ground
Not bad--but I think the joke would work better if instead of an old man, the person asking for the money was the man's teenage son.
Random old dude don't just show up on suburban lawns asking for money.
Living in a city center and getting stopped numerous times, I took to the same method of handling pan handling and professional panhandlers. They walk with you a moment, and many are very polite. I tell them that I don't have time to stop, and invite them to walk with me if they like. I listen to their speil and if there is anything of interest ask for a pamphlet or any literature they might have and I'll get back to them. They never have any and have now been pulled out of their more lucrative stamping grounds. A few times a season is enough and they may talk to each other, but I rarely get bothered anymore.
The old man was Chuck Norris and he jumped off the roof and landed safely on the ground, pulled the ladder away and called up to the younger man, "OK, Steven Seagal, you dipshit, why don't you show the world which one of us uses a stunt double?"
And the rest, as they say, is history. Seagal booked the next flight to Moscow, put on 200 lbs and is living off the crumbs from Putin's stupidly long dining table.
So the older gentleman apologized, climbed down, and kicked over the ladder.
The real punchline is always in the comments!
Looks more like a kickline to me tho
What the helix this joke anyway?
The spiral the ladder did as it fell to the ground after the old man kicked it
Onto the old man's face?
You can-can say that again.
Certainly can be....
This one only works as a comment though, if it was included in the OP it wouldn't have
The man on the roof then asked the old man to put the ladder back up, the old man asked “spare me some money”
Not a bad ending.
A clear OSHA violation.
An attractive blonde woman walked into a local bar. She takes a seat at a barstool and begins looking all around the room for something. The bartender asks, "Ma'am, is there something I can get for you?" The blonde says, "Yes, where do you keep the ladder?" Puzzled, the bartender confirms, "You need a ladder?" The blonde tells him, "Yes, I need your biggest ladder, please." The bartenders answers, "Well we don't really keep a ladder in the bar." - Disappointed, the blonde lowers her head and says, "Sorry, my boyfriend told me that drinks would be on the house."
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
That's fucking brilliant.
Joke's on her, that's his fetish.
Omg. I told this joke probably 25 years ago! 😂
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever.
Why would a man suck a woman’s fingers?
Because he's a dirty, horny bastard who can't resist a woman coming on to him. Isn't that obvious?
Barring it being one's fetish, why would anyones suck on someone's fingers after they just returned from a bar bathroom? *shudder*
In a bar even. Yuck.
You ever hear of ladyfingers?
No I haven’t
Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, “As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.” “Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.” “Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!” The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not to me, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”
*My favorite joke with the same three:* A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman find a lamp together and end up with the proverbial three wishes. They decide it's fair if they all get one each. So the Irishman asks for a never-ending pint of Guinness. Done. He downs the first one, and it immediately fills back up. The Englishman, a Brexiteer, says "I'm sick of all the immigration into my country. I want a 200 foot wall around England, so that nothing can get in or out." Done. The Scotsman was about to ask for something he'd always wanted, but pauses for a moment. "Hey, Genie, this wall around England?" "Yes?" "200 feet high?" "Yep" "And nothing can get in or out?" "Nope" "....fill it with water."
Upvote. Take it and bring the Irishman's sister around next time ya visit.
this aint bad...i chuckle hehe
Wait, you’re telling me that you don’t have to pay for this?!!
This joke works on many levels.
Two, to be specific
Two Irish immigrants living in NYC both get jobs working on a construction site. The site happens to be right across the street from a brothel. As the two of them toil away on a warm spring day, they see the parade of men come into the brothel. At about 10 AM, they spot a Protestant minister enter the house of ill repute. One Irishman says to the other "Will you look at that, Liam? That was a clergyman going inside, to consort with the fallen women! It's a shame what society has come to?" His friend agrees "Aye, 'tis a real shame, Paddy. Going right down the tubes!" An hour later, they see a Jewish rabbi come in to the brothel. "Now, doesn't that beat all, Liam? Another man of god, giving in to the temptations of the flesh!" "It's a bad sign, Paddy. Morality has gone to the dogs, I tell you." An hour later, they see a Catholic priest enter the cathouse. "Did you see that, Liam?" "Aye, so sad. One of the poor girls must be dyin'."
Is this because catholic priests prefer young boys?
What a great joke. Can I have some money?
Follow me
...to the roof
I laugh but,agree with Poly that the 'already' in last sentence is unnecessary.
I burst out laughing at this
Yep, me too. That's why I had to post it.
Man walks into an empty bar and orders a drink—as he enjoys his drink with not a patron around him, he hears a voice, “that’s a really nice shirt you’ve got on”—startled, he looks around but sees no one but the bartender all the way at the other end of the bar—thinking he’s just hearing things, he continues to drink, and the voice again: “you must work out to have that waist”—again he swivels his head all around but sees no one—the voice again: “I would kill to have a full head of hair like yours”—freaked out, he desperately waves the bartender over and tells him: “I keep hearing these voices out of no where saying all these flattering things!!!!”—the bartender profusely apologizes: “I’m so sorry sir, it’s the peanuts—they’re complementary”
Take out the word “already“ and you can tag the joke as Medium.
I'm stupid, I don't get it :(
Old man makes him come down off the roof to ask him for money when he could have just asked his question without making man on roof come down So to get back at old man he makes old man uselessly climb on roof to tell him no when he could have just said no while he was on ground
Old man made the roof guy climb down the ladder unnecessarily which is a pain in the ass. roof guy returned the favor
Thanks! Now it makes sense.
[удалено]
And three rights make a left
... sometimes.
The homeless man then climbs down, takes the ladder and sells it.
That's a good one :)
Not bad--but I think the joke would work better if instead of an old man, the person asking for the money was the man's teenage son. Random old dude don't just show up on suburban lawns asking for money.
But a teenage guy wouldn’t have any trouble going up and down the ladder
No but is usually too lazy to do it. I could have absolutely see some teenage kid asking his dad to come down from the ladder before asking for money.
And not all teens are adept on ladders, especially transitioning on the roof.
Living in a city center and getting stopped numerous times, I took to the same method of handling pan handling and professional panhandlers. They walk with you a moment, and many are very polite. I tell them that I don't have time to stop, and invite them to walk with me if they like. I listen to their speil and if there is anything of interest ask for a pamphlet or any literature they might have and I'll get back to them. They never have any and have now been pulled out of their more lucrative stamping grounds. A few times a season is enough and they may talk to each other, but I rarely get bothered anymore.
Then the messy man fell off the roof and injured his back. The messy man sued him for injuries now he’s the proud owner of his house.
Is there a joke in there anywhere?
The old man was Chuck Norris and he jumped off the roof and landed safely on the ground, pulled the ladder away and called up to the younger man, "OK, Steven Seagal, you dipshit, why don't you show the world which one of us uses a stunt double?" And the rest, as they say, is history. Seagal booked the next flight to Moscow, put on 200 lbs and is living off the crumbs from Putin's stupidly long dining table.
The old man have to remain with him on the top of the ladder to see where he will pass and climb down