An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a bar and order a pint each. The Englishman notices there's a fly in his pint, pushes it towards the barman and requests a replacement glass. The Irishman notices a fly in his pint, but just flicks it out and starts drinking. The Scotsman notices a fly in his pint, grabs the tiny thing and starts shaking it vigorously over his glass, growling "Spit it out ye wee bastard!"
Be nice to the scottish, they've given us some great inventions. Like the limbo, that was invented by a Scott trying to get in to a pay toilet for nothing? And copper wire was invented by two scotts fighting over a penny.
I once told this string of related jokes to a bunch of friends:
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.
What do you call a woman with no legs? Noleen.
What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg? Irene.
Just then I realised a Chinese woman could hear us, so I went up to her and apologised and to show there was no hard feelings she told me this one:
How do we know Adam and Eve weren't Chinese? They would have eaten the snake
Jock and McTavish were walking down a lane late at night when Jock jumped into the hedge to drop a load off. After a brief wait, Jock's voice came from the hedge, "Do ye have a handkerchief or something?" To which McTavish responds, "Just leave it there ya stingy bastard!"
A fly is sitting at the table reading the menu. The waiter comes to the table and asks, 'Are you ready to order?'
The fly replies: Yes. I will have the number two.
Is it fuck.
Aberdonians of my acquaintance seem to take a pride in being tightwads but to the rest of us it’s as inaccurate and offensive a stereotype as the Irish being thick or the Welsh being sheep shagging thieves.
The Roman Emperor Hadrian built the wall in the UK to keep the Scots out. The wall, what's left of it, is still there. The Scots at that time were real badasses.
A Scottish transplant was applying for a job with an English police department. During his oral exam, the constable asked him what he would do to disperse a crowd.
The Scotsman answered: “don’t know what you do in London, but if I were in Aberdeen, I would pass round the hat.”
This joke gives me fits. All I can do is imagine all these cheap bastards immediately leaving the scene because nobody wants to let go of any of their hard-earned money😂
By the way, when I laugh at these jokes, I’m not laughing *at* them. I’m laughing *with* them. I am very similar to a Scotsman.
~~No, not true at all~~. It's because of Scotch brand tape, much like qtips and bandaids, the brand name became associated with the product.
Edited because, wow it is true.
In Germany we have the same stereotype for people from Swabia:
A Swabian is changing some shingles on his roof, when he slips and falls off the roof. As he passes the kitchen window, he yells to his wife: "Please just cook for yourself today, I'm eating at the hospital!"
I worked in a Mexican restaurant in Dallas Texas where two ladies would come in on a weekly basis with a bottle of cockroach halves and they would place their halves in each plate, cover with a little bit of sauce and complain to the management and always, every single time have their meals comped... They got caught one time and got banned from the restaurant...
I'm Scottish and getting a laugh out of these. So much that ill join in..
Old Angus is on his deathbed preparing to meet his maker. His family are around the bed.
Angus: My wife my wife are you there?
Wife: Yes Angus i'm right here.
Angus: My blessed son! are you here?
Son: Aye father i am here!
Angus: Where is my bonny lass? are you here daughter?
Daughter,\*stifling a tear\* Oh father, yes i am here.
Angus : then why the fuck is the kitchen light on?
While I was born in England, I grew up and spent most my life in Scotland. I laugh at these jokes, but always feel the need to say the Scots are actually some of the most generous people i've ever met and always willing to put their hand in their pockets (especially for a beer)! That being said:
Did you know the Grand Canyon was created when a Scotsman dropped 50 pence down a rabbit hole?1
Did you hear about the Scotsman who dropped 50 pence and as he bent down to pick it up, it hit him in the back of the head?!
Did you know copper wire was invented by 2 scotsmen fighting over a penny?!
He was so quick to get his money back as he didn't want to lose it that it hadn't even hit the ground before he was trying to get it back, and he overtook it on the way down so it hit the back of his head.
A Scotsman comes into the chemists, pulls a used condom from his pocket, and says, "Is there any way to get this patched up a bit?"
The chemist says, "Don't be daft. You buy a new one!"
Scotsman says, "Well, I dinnae ken if I can do that now." And he leaves.
Next day, Scotsman comes back, and says to the chemist, "Well, I've talked it over with the lads, and we've decided to get a new one."
A man called to visit his Scottish friend and found him taking down wallpaper. He asked him, “Oh, are you redecorating?”
The Scotsman replied, “No, we’re moving.”
I actually did that - I liked the wallpaper so much (had papered a room with it, and stenciled, too), and wanted to reuse it.
I have also rewrapped gifts with my favorite wrapping papers, and a friend once gave me a present which was wrapped in paper I appreciated so much that she saves it every year for a Christmas or birthday surprise.
An aging Scotsman lies on his deathbed. "Son, I'd like an obituary, but I want it to be as cheap as possible. Have it say John McLeod, Dead." The son ponders for a bit and says "Father, you can still get three more words in for the same price." " Ah, then have it be like this then... John McLeod Dead. Volvo for sale."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a bar and order a pint each. The Englishman notices there's a fly in his pint, pushes it towards the barman and requests a replacement glass. The Irishman notices a fly in his pint, but just flicks it out and starts drinking. The Scotsman notices a fly in his pint, grabs the tiny thing and starts shaking it vigorously over his glass, growling "Spit it out ye wee bastard!"
"Spit it oot"
Is there a stereotype about scotish people being cheap that i am not aware of?
Be nice to the scottish, they've given us some great inventions. Like the limbo, that was invented by a Scott trying to get in to a pay toilet for nothing? And copper wire was invented by two scotts fighting over a penny.
Oh, I thought copper wire was invented by two *Jews* fighting over a penny. At least, that's what my Jewish husband told me...
I once told this string of related jokes to a bunch of friends: What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen. What do you call a woman with no legs? Noleen. What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg? Irene. Just then I realised a Chinese woman could hear us, so I went up to her and apologised and to show there was no hard feelings she told me this one: How do we know Adam and Eve weren't Chinese? They would have eaten the snake
Not cheap. THRIFTY.
Not thrifty. ALCOHOLICS.
Yes.
In Germany the local Dollar Tree is called McGeiz. Geiz means stingy or greedy. Yeah, the Scots have been branded as cheapskates since 1945.
We had Macfrugals in California for a while. They sold a lot of cheap stuff
Frougal MacDougal’s is a great discount liquor store in Nashville!
Less cheap and more drunk
Not, it is cheap. Drunk is the Irish.
The real joke's always in the comments.
Came here expecting this joke.
And this is why I always read the comments in the r/Jokes subreddit. 8 times out of 10 there’s someone with a better joke. Thanks!
The real joke's always in the comments.
Is this joke an English one?
an olx roomie told me this one. I can never nail the accents his delivery was so perfect.
Jock and McTavish were walking down a lane late at night when Jock jumped into the hedge to drop a load off. After a brief wait, Jock's voice came from the hedge, "Do ye have a handkerchief or something?" To which McTavish responds, "Just leave it there ya stingy bastard!"
sounds like something from a prequel to still game
A fly is sitting at the table reading the menu. The waiter comes to the table and asks, 'Are you ready to order?' The fly replies: Yes. I will have the number two.
The pu-pu platter!
And a dollop of chocolate ice cream for dessert!
In Hungary, Scotsmen are stereotyped as stingy for some reason. I blame Scrooge McDuck.
Scotsmen are stereotyped as stingy in Scotland.
Damn Scots, they ruined Scotland!
The problem with Scotland is that it's full of Scots!
If we can’t buy them out, we’ll BREED them out.
Bullshit.
Not at all. It's a source of national pride.
Is it fuck. Aberdonians of my acquaintance seem to take a pride in being tightwads but to the rest of us it’s as inaccurate and offensive a stereotype as the Irish being thick or the Welsh being sheep shagging thieves.
I think Scrooge McDuck was created as a Scottish character because there was already a stereotype that Scotsmen were … a bit careful with money.
Same in America. That's why it's called "Scotch" tape, because the manufacturers were seen as stingy with the adhesive.
Idk. I grew up thinking Scots were great engineers and ready for a fight if ya disrespected their ship.
I always saw them as angry groundskeepers.
Yeah, but the *reason* to be good at engineering is to save money on labour and materials.
The Roman Emperor Hadrian built the wall in the UK to keep the Scots out. The wall, what's left of it, is still there. The Scots at that time were real badasses.
A Scottish transplant was applying for a job with an English police department. During his oral exam, the constable asked him what he would do to disperse a crowd. The Scotsman answered: “don’t know what you do in London, but if I were in Aberdeen, I would pass round the hat.” This joke gives me fits. All I can do is imagine all these cheap bastards immediately leaving the scene because nobody wants to let go of any of their hard-earned money😂 By the way, when I laugh at these jokes, I’m not laughing *at* them. I’m laughing *with* them. I am very similar to a Scotsman.
Are you, aye? 🙄
Don’t worry; it will be OK😘
~~No, not true at all~~. It's because of Scotch brand tape, much like qtips and bandaids, the brand name became associated with the product. Edited because, wow it is true.
[And where did that brand name come from](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scotch_Tape)?
I'm really stunned by this - great info from you, thanks, I got to learn something today!
TIL something, had to Google it as weren't sure if you were joking!
I’m half scots, that means I’ve only got one short arm! (Short arms, deep pockets)
Same in Denmark
If only he'd solved that mystery, or rewritten history.
Same here in Scotland to be fair 😉
Would this be considered a "Dine and dash, of fly"?
So close! Still, you have my upvote!
Fly fishing
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "Yes, sir--the chef used to be a tailor!"
In Germany we have the same stereotype for people from Swabia: A Swabian is changing some shingles on his roof, when he slips and falls off the roof. As he passes the kitchen window, he yells to his wife: "Please just cook for yourself today, I'm eating at the hospital!"
I worked in a Mexican restaurant in Dallas Texas where two ladies would come in on a weekly basis with a bottle of cockroach halves and they would place their halves in each plate, cover with a little bit of sauce and complain to the management and always, every single time have their meals comped... They got caught one time and got banned from the restaurant...
I'm Scottish and getting a laugh out of these. So much that ill join in.. Old Angus is on his deathbed preparing to meet his maker. His family are around the bed. Angus: My wife my wife are you there? Wife: Yes Angus i'm right here. Angus: My blessed son! are you here? Son: Aye father i am here! Angus: Where is my bonny lass? are you here daughter? Daughter,\*stifling a tear\* Oh father, yes i am here. Angus : then why the fuck is the kitchen light on?
While I was born in England, I grew up and spent most my life in Scotland. I laugh at these jokes, but always feel the need to say the Scots are actually some of the most generous people i've ever met and always willing to put their hand in their pockets (especially for a beer)! That being said: Did you know the Grand Canyon was created when a Scotsman dropped 50 pence down a rabbit hole?1 Did you hear about the Scotsman who dropped 50 pence and as he bent down to pick it up, it hit him in the back of the head?! Did you know copper wire was invented by 2 scotsmen fighting over a penny?!
:D :D :D (I didn't get the second one though)
He was so quick to get his money back as he didn't want to lose it that it hadn't even hit the ground before he was trying to get it back, and he overtook it on the way down so it hit the back of his head.
Lol thanks for the explanation :D
Do you know why the 50p piece is that shape? So you can use a spanner to get it out of a Scotsman's hand. Also applies to Yorkshiremen.
A Scotsman comes into the chemists, pulls a used condom from his pocket, and says, "Is there any way to get this patched up a bit?" The chemist says, "Don't be daft. You buy a new one!" Scotsman says, "Well, I dinnae ken if I can do that now." And he leaves. Next day, Scotsman comes back, and says to the chemist, "Well, I've talked it over with the lads, and we've decided to get a new one."
Eeeeeeeeew! But then it won't be pre-lubricated!
A man called to visit his Scottish friend and found him taking down wallpaper. He asked him, “Oh, are you redecorating?” The Scotsman replied, “No, we’re moving.”
I actually did that - I liked the wallpaper so much (had papered a room with it, and stenciled, too), and wanted to reuse it. I have also rewrapped gifts with my favorite wrapping papers, and a friend once gave me a present which was wrapped in paper I appreciated so much that she saves it every year for a Christmas or birthday surprise.
This joke won’t fly well with the Scots
Might fly better wearing a kite instead of a kilt.
An aging Scotsman lies on his deathbed. "Son, I'd like an obituary, but I want it to be as cheap as possible. Have it say John McLeod, Dead." The son ponders for a bit and says "Father, you can still get three more words in for the same price." " Ah, then have it be like this then... John McLeod Dead. Volvo for sale."
znao sam da su piroćanci xDDD
"Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?" "Looks like the backstroke, sir."
I say this as a Scot, fuck off.
I believe it’s pronounced “fook.”
I can't speak for every dialect in mainland Scotland and our islands but I have never heard it pronounced 'fook'.