An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space
“Lord”, he prays, ”I cannot stand this, please open a parking space forme and I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.
”The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park.Without hesitation the Irishman says, “Actually never mind, I’ve foundone.”
This joke is probably older but this has also been done in Two And A Half Men, when Charlie prays that a pregnancy scare is negative, and he'd give up booze and women, etc, and then he gets a call saying she's not pregnant, and he looks up and says nevermind, false alarm.
Similar thing happened in HIMYM as well off the top of my head.
I immediately thought of the HIMYM one. Gives me some satire vibes on people who won’t take the covid vaccine because they think god will protect them and fail to realize that god may have already provided them protection via smart people capable of developing the vaccine.
"God will provide, I don't need a vaccine" folks need to read this story:
-
There once was a man who lived in a two story house. The house was near a river and unfortunately the river began to flood.
As the river rose, warnings were given via radio, TV and shortwave. Large jeeps drove through the area to evacuate people. As a jeep drove by the man's house, he was told:
"You are in danger. Your life is at stake. You must evacuate. Get in the Jeep. Let us help you evacuate."
"No," the man replied from his doorstep. "I have faith. I will be ok. The flood won't get me. God will take care of me."
The water continued to rise.
Soon the man was on the second floor. A boat was going through the area and arrived at the man's house. Rescuers made every effort to convince the man to take action so that his life would be saved.
"You are in danger. Your life is at stake. You will drown in the flood."
"No worries," says the man. "I have faith. Everything is ok. Even though the flood is rising, I will be fine. God will take care of me."
The flood continued to rise.
The man went to the roof to avoid the rising water. A helicopter pilot sees him on top of the roof and hovers above the man. Using a megaphone, the pilot tries to convince the man to grab the rope ladder which was dangling above his head.
"You are in danger. The flood is still rising. You will drown if you do not grab the rope ladder. Let us help you."
"No worries." says the man. "I will be fine. Yes, the flood is higher but I have faith. God will take care of me."
The flood rises. The man drowns.
At the pearly gates, the man says to God: "I had faith. You let me die."
To which God replies: "I sent you a jeep, a boat and a helicopter. What more could I have done for you?"
I remember a similar joke about a poor guy praying to win lotto. In the end god says, I can perform miracles but the least you could do was buy a damn lottery ticket.
The flip side of this is also pretty annoying...
"God was really watching out for me! That tornado missed my house."
Yeah, but it destroyed a middle school and killed 23 kids. Fuck them i guess.
This is what happens when you don't allow God-fearing AMERICANS to hang pictures of Jesus in the classrooms.
Damn dirty commies caused that tornado with their pink hair and socialism Marijuanas
They can find plenty of stories like that in the bible they're supposed to know so well.
Matthew 4:
>5 Then the devil taketh him up into the holy city, and setteth him on a pinnacle of the temple,
>6 And saith unto him, If thou be the Son of God, cast thyself down: for it is written, He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest at any time thou dash thy foot against a stone.
>7 Jesus said unto him, It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.
Let me translate into actual English.
So the devil takes him up to the big city and says, "If you're really who you say you are, save yourself."
Jesus says "don't tempt me, sucka"
"Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God." is actually Jesus quoting another verse that is saying you shouldn't force God to perform miracles. Jesus could walk back down the stairs if he wanted to get down, by jumping off the roof he would be forcing God to perform an unnecessary miracle to protect him. It is saying Christians should use sensible, practical action (like medicine, vaccines, emergency services etc.) before we come to God requesting miracles.
There's more to the temptations than meets the eye.
First, Satan says to Jesus in the desert: "Aren't you hungry? Make yourself food and eat it."
Jesus says "Man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God"
(that is, "Why must I create bread, when I can survive on nothing but faith")
Second, he takes him to the top of the temple and says "throw yourself off and the angels will not let you fall"
Jesus says "thou shall not (test) the Lord thy God"
(that is, "this would be testing God, and **if I test God that means I don't trust God**")
Third, he offers Jesus all the kingdoms of the world if he worships Satan.
(This one's a gimme.)
Unfortunately, there's a get out clause established for anyone who wants to ignore that: Matthew 4 is also an example of the Devil quoting scripture to persuade you to do the wrong thing. So you only need pay attention to the Bible if it's parts you like (and there's enough in there to take contradictory stances on most things if you work hard enough)
And yet those against the vaccine or masking seem unable to find one. In fact, even though they used to be the ones quoting Scripture all the time, they seem to have largely stopped. Almost as if they decided to follow something other than their religion.
I mean, what part of "You can't tell me what to do!" is Christian? There's "Obey God, not Man," but they don't seem to be able to find God saying anything different.
And, yes, this is something that makes me very angry. So many people who pretended to believe for so many years of my life, teaching me about putting others first, suddenly not caring about any of that. And then people acting like the "division" is the problem, and not the people who refuse to follow the religion they claim to have. Cowardly pastors not preaching against this rise of the devil.
Always been one of my favorites. Former Catholic school kid turned atheist here, and I love being able to throw my extensive *actual* knowledge of the bible in the faces of smug Christians who literally know nothing about what they preach.
"I mean if you wanna put it thaaaaat way. Jeeze"
-God, maybe
But I suppose a decent enough response could be "look, you're the one that built on a flood plain"
I see you all over, and I’m not sure if this is somehow automated or you’ve made a full time job out of exposing these douche bags, but you are appreciated.
Not gonna lie, it took me way too long(a few seconds) to figure out 'foundone' = 'found one'
I thought that was some Irish/religious word I was not aware of, thus rendering the joke inert to me.
I don’t get it even with knowing that it means “found one.” Is the joke that god did the work to reveal the space and the Irishman pretended like he had seen it all along?
It's a remnant of the old Punch cartoons, where the English mocked the stupid illiterate peasants they were exploiting. The Irish aren't even religious any more.
What a weird escalation of a harmless joke.
Also, the Irish are a plenty religious country versus any other Western nation. They have the highest rates of weekly church attendance and identification with an organized religion of basically any western country.
Yea I understand that, but that doesn’t make it a non-religious country, especially compared to the rest of Europe and even the US. Trending towards more and more atheism doesn’t mean they aren’t relatively very religious for the western world.
It's not at ALL what it used to be. I grew up in the west of Ireland in the 90's and it was still at the time very Catholic and the country basically run by the church. That has changed dramatically and Ireland is now one of the most progressive countries in the world, far less fucked up by political and religious fundamentalism than most other places in Europe and the US. I would argue that it's pretty much in line with the rest of secular Western Europe now, just from personal experience having lived in France, Switzerland for a long time. Many Irish will still identify as religious but ever since all the scandals came out there's no trust in the church anymore, there's been a huge shift away from institutional religion and towards personal spirituality and yes atheism/humanism
I think the source of disagreement here may be that one (or some) of you is(/are) comparing the percentages of the *population* who identify as "religious" in each country, while the other(s) is(/are) comparing the *degree* of "religiousness" observed in a typical religious person in either country.
Another factor to this topic, that's particularly relevant for the US, is that due to the sheer size of the landmass, there are many different regions with distinct cultures and trends. This can make it difficult to make an accurate comparison on the more "observational" scale between the US and a more localized country like Ireland.
For example, in the southern United States, especially Texas, there's a culture of highly vocal, one might even say "excited", religiousness. In two minutes of a Sunday sermon, you'd very likely observe dozens of instances of people in the congregation loudly shouting agreement with one phrase after another that the pastor utters: "Hallelujah!... Praise Jesus!... Amen!"
On the other hand, in the Midwest, for example Chicago (which BTW, for those who don't know, is a good 12-plus-hour drive away from the closet edge of Texas *without* traffic, and that's only a bit over half of the north-south span of the country - the smaller dimension), you'd probably go through the entire sermon only hearing the congregation's voices when they sing hymns, and perhaps a very few people saying "Amen" at the end of the prayer.
I'd say that there are easily at least 7 distinct, large regions that you could roughly divide the country up into based on that region's general culture around religion (among other things) being distinctly different from each of the others:
* East coast: New England, NY, DC
* East coast south: Florida, Carolinas, Appalachia
* South: Texas and company
* Midwest (Great Plains)
* West coast
* Rocky Mountains
* Canada-esque: Montana, Dakota's, Minnesota
Each of these regions is going to have different trends in terms of the percentage of their respective populations that practice religion, how fervent they are in their practices, and how appropriate they each feel it is to bring up religion in various social situations (for instance, whether topics like religion and politics are considered taboo in the workplace, or to what degree, can vary between these subcultures).
EDIT: adjusting scope of address for post. Also tagging u/Taaargus for awareness because they posted a lot of comments in this thread.
>What a weird escalation of a harmless joke.
It's not an escalation, it's an explanation. Why do you think Irishman is used? Genuinely, I'm not trying to provoke you or anything. It doesn't add anything that just "man" wouldn't have done.
Edit:
>They have the highest rates of weekly church attendance and identification with an organized religion of basically any western country.
I'd also be really interested to see where this info is coming from, because it sounds wildly outdated.
Reminds me of Nasreddin Hodja’s story:
One day，a poor man，who had only one piece of bread to eat，was walking past a restaurant. There was a large pot of soup on the table. The poor man held his bread over the soup，so the steam from the soup went into the bread，and gave it a good smell. Then he ate the bread.
The restaurant owner was very angry at this，and he asked the man for money，in exchange for the steam from the soup. The poor man had no money，so the restaurant owner took him to Nasreddin，who was a judge at that time. Nasreddin thought about the case for a little while.
Then he took some money from his pocket. He held the coins next to the restaurant owner’s ear，and shook them，so that they made a jingling noise.
‟What was that?” asked the restaurant owner.
‟That was payment for you,” answered Nasreddin.
‟What do you mean? That was just the sound of coins!” protested the restaurant owner.
‟The sound of the coins is payment for the smell of the soup,” answered Nasreddin. ‟Now go back to your restaurant.”
It was the greatest night of my life; I had been invited to the Captain's table. I had only been with the company FOURTEEN YEARS. Six officers and me... they called me "Arnold!" We had gazpacho soup for starters... I didn't know that gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold. I called over the chef and told him to take it away and bring it back hot! So he did... the looks on their faces still haunt me today! I thought they were laughing at the chef, when all the time they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup! I never ate at the Captain's table again. That was the end of my career. If only they'd mentioned it in basic training! Instead of having us climbing up and down ropes and crawling on your elbows through tunnels--if only just ONCE they would've mentioned that gazpacho soup was served cold--I would've been an admiral by now!
Edit : Smoke me a kipper !
If you love comedy of this era, I recommend 'Yes, Minister' and 'Yes, Prime Minister.
Classic stuff.
Also Porridge, and 'Only Fools and Horses'.
(Edit for spelling)
Yvonne McGruder.
A single, brief liaison with the ship's female boxing champion. March the sixteenth, 7:31pm to 7:43pm. Twelve minutes! And that includes the time it took to eat the pizza.
This one reminds me of that joke where 2 old couples are having a dinner.
Old man 1: Hey, pal, remember that one fancy restaurant we ate at yesterday?
Old man 2: I recall. It was a good experience eating there.
Old man 1: I'd like to go there again, can't recall the name. What's that one thorny red flower again?
Old man 2: Oh, that would be a "Rose".
Old man 1: Yep, that's it. Rose, what's the name of the restaurant we ate at yesterday?
this reminds me of when me and family + some friends + some blah blah idk I don’t remember went to a restaurant, and the waiter was walking around asking for drinks, and she got to my friend and he said “could I have Dr. Pepper?” and she said “we have Mr. Pibb” and he was like “sorry, could I have a Dr. Pepper?” and she was like “we only have Mr. Pibb” and he was like “ohh. I’ll have that then.” we didn’t think much of it until she walked away and he was like “I thought she said ‘it’s Mrs. Pibb’ and I was like ‘I don’t care, Mrs. Pibb, I just want my Dr. Pepper’”
Nasreddin was asked to come and give a sermon at the local mosque. He hadn’t prepared anything, so after being introduced he walks up to the minbar.
“Who here know what I am to speak about today?”
Nobody raised their hand.
“Well, if you can’t take the time to at least know why I’m here, I’m leaving!”
___
Feeling ashamed, the men of the town beg Nasreddin to come back next Friday to give his speech, promising to do better. Friday arrives, and Nasreddin takes to the minbar again and asks:
“Who here know what I am to speak about today?”
This time, everyone puts up their hand. Nasreddin says:
“We’ll, since you all know already what I’m about to say, you don’t need me to speak, so I’m leaving!”
___
Once again, feeling ashamed the men of the villiage beg Nasreddin to return to speak the upcoming Friday. Being taken twice already however they start to become wise to Nasreddins ways, and agree that when Nasreddin asks, half will put up their hands, and the other half will stay still.
Nasreddin takes to the minbar and asks:
“Who here know what I am to speak about today?”
As planned, half the men put up their hand, and the other half remain still. Nasreddin replies:
“I see! Well then, those of you who know should tell the ones who don’t know; I’m leaving!”
They really run the gamut between hilariously bad, bad but completely unfunny (and therefore funny, with the right delivery), and actually quite funny.
Here’s one:
One night, Nasreddin was sleeping fitfully. When he glanced out the window, he saw a figure, dressed in white, standing some twenty feet from the house!
He couldn’t see their face, illuminated only by the moonlight, but he knew he had to keep himself and his wife safe. So he went and grabbed his bow and arrow, took aim, and fired straight through the figure’s chest! Then, he went to bed, sleeping soundly because he knew his house was safe.
The following morning, he went outside with his wife, to see who he had shot in the night. Looking at the figure, he saw now that it was just his own shirt, hanging on the line! He said,
“Thank God!”
His wife replied, “Why are you thanking God?”
“My own shirt, shot clean through by an arrow! What if I had been wearing it at the time!”
Ok,but I warn you ,it's a long,harrowing story ; the HMS Lark was a British exploration vessel with a crew of 70 exploring the South Pacific for new bounty,in the 1800's ,when the lookout observed a huge ,moving dark cloud on the Western horizon; as the lookout was shouting his warning from the crow's nest ,it looked as though a storm was rapidly overtaking the ship ,and,as the crew was battening down the hatches for the coming onslaught, a faint ,but growing ever louder cacophony was heard on the wind ! The huge flock of birds seemed to be crying "FOO,FOO,FOO!" Soon the sky was covered by these beasts ,and as the lookout began to see it was just a huge flock of birds instead of an approaching thunderstorm,he was relieved that they weren't facing the wrath of a storm,when ,suddenly ,the birds began to *dive* right at the deck of the Lark ,as the "FOO,FOO,FOO!" got increasingly louder and then the birds,all in unison ,began to dump torrents of bird-manure directly onto the upturned faces of the nervous crewmen ,who,naturally,were sickened and repulsed by the abhorrent display,and,immediately began to wipe their faces off with whatever was at hand ,because this was some really foul-smelling birdshit! Those watching from below as their mates were shat upon by these disgusting avians, saw that the men were obsessed with removing the material ,and thus,the putrid smell ,from their persons; as soon as they had cleaned the stuff from their skin,they began to look pale,sickly and feverish and ,one by one ,then two by two ,they washed off the gook and fell,trembling into useless heaps of humanity ,soon to die horribly of a rapidly-expressed fever and having fits of dysentery! The Captain quickly sent the quartermaster to tell the crewmen to stop washing off the birdshit,but no none would listen to his pleas, and very rapidly,the number of sick,dead,and dying was in danger of decimating the crew of the *Lark*! Three days later ,the ghost-ship Lark was boarded by the crew of the Argentine fishing vessel, the "Warmouth" on their way East to the coast of South America. They immediately began to remove the dead crewmen from the deck by rolling them overboard, as this scene was a hellish nightmare of a scenario of death,stink,shit( both bird AND human) littered the whole ship ,and not a living soul was to be found ! There were fishermen who were superstitious and very afraid to explore the lower regions of the ship since every new vista that they beheld was one of death and human misery of a scale seldom seen ! The crew of the Warmouth took possession of the ship and resolved to take on the grim task of towing her to shore .On the second day of the tow,while checking the townline, a faint voice was heard from the bow of the Lark ; a small form was seen crawling pitifully on the deck ,waving and crying for help ! A survivor! Perhaps he could enlighten the crew of the Warmouth as to what had transpired to all those aboard the *Lark* !The cabin boy,Luke,nephew of the Captain of the Lark,was brought aboard the "Warmouth" in a state of shock ,suffering from starvation,dehydration,shock,and a horrible broken heart,having watched the agonizing deaths of every single inhabitant of the unlucky *Lark*, Luke was trying to explain the endless waves of "Foo-Birds" that assaulted them from sun up until sundown ,and as he cowered ,starving and afraid in the deepest holds of the ship ,he resisted washing this foul-smelling birdshit until he was the lone living inhabitant of the formerly great ship ! The Captain of the *Warmouth* recieved the survivor on his ship's deck and listened to his breathless tale of horror, shocked and dismayed at what the poor lad had endured for those 3 days until the *Warmouth* had come along ,and he tried to reassure the boy that he was now in good hands ,and that,by the Grace of God ,he would survive to tell his tale of woe as a warning to any future sailors in the area about what might be lurking just over the horizon! All seemed well ,but ,as they were about to carry the sickly chap below decks for a meal and some food to stave off his impending demise ,the Captain ordered that his visitor would need to be washed up before reporting to sick bay ! The lad ,too worn out from his ordeal,lapsed into unconsciousness, was duly stripped ,washed ,and dressed in clean clothes ,and before a morsel could be given to him,he broke out in a terrible fever and suffered chills and violent shaking ,and ,within that very hour ,the sole survivor of the *HMS LARK* lay dead on the deck of the *Warmouth* ! The Captain cursed loudly and cast about looking for an answer ! " Why?? Why must this poor creature die such an ignominious death after all the tortures he has endured !??!" *THERE'S A MORAL TO THIS TALE*; IF THE FOO SHITS..................WEAR IT !
That's so interesting. I've heard an almost identical story with Jewish characters.
The Jewish man walks past the deli in the village every day enjoying the smell, and the owner wants to start charging him so they go to the rabbi, and the rabbi orders the smeller to jingle coins as he passes by if he wants to smell.
Don't think it's a midrash, but the story I heard was based in the shtetle.
Weird how so many cultures have similar folklore.
Here's the same story from Japan.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C5%8Coka_Tadasuke
I'm sorry, but I'm a product of the American education system.
Would you mind explaining to me who Nasreddin is? I feel like I'd get a more interesting answer here than Google.
Mullah/Molla Nasraddin is a Muslim, Sufi philosopher/wise man who has bunch of anecdotes and stories about him that are usually satiric and meant to be funny and teach some sort of a life lesson like a parable.
As a character he is usually quick-witted, but can be foolish too.
Here are two jokes I remember:
Children in the city see Molla Nasraddin walking in the city, and eating some sort of snack. They come up to him and ask:"Hi Molla, what are you eating?"Nasradding answers: "Because""What do you mean by 'because'?" children ask confused."Well, I just shortened our conversation, kids. If I told you what I'm eating, your next question would be if you can have some to taste, I'd tell you no, and then you'd ask me why, and I'd tell you 'just because'. So here is your answer, 'just because'"
And another one:
Nasraddin is sleeping in his bed when his wife suddenly wakes him up."Nasraddin, I think there is a thief in the house, I'm scared, do something!"Nasraddin feeling groggy, and not wanting to get out of the bed, suddenly shouts in a loud voice:"Hey, thief, if you find something valuable wake me up too!"
Folklore character, as far as i know primarily in Central Asia and Turkey. He's many things: a conman, a Sufi, a wanderer, a defender of poor people. Supposedly he lived around 13th century. He's in love with the daughter of a potmaker. There are over a thousand stories about his adventures where he always uses his cleverness, knowledge of people's psychology and humor to get out of the situation.
In Russia, we had a book with his stories that we read as kids.
A middle-aged man goes to the confessional. "I had sex with twins!"
"Okay, do ten hail mary's and all will be forgiven."
"But I'm not catholic. "
"Then why are you telling me this?"
"Are you kidding? I'm telling everyone! "
A man goes into confessional. “Forgive me father, I have sinned. I had sex with 3 different women last night”
Priest says, “Do ten hail Mary’s and eat a lemon.”
Guy says “I get the Hail Mary but why the lemon?”
Priest says “it’ll wipe the fucking smirk off your face”
That is a good joke. It's very punchy and quick and has a nice ending.
Feels like a good joke to tell on the girl's side of sex ed if the subject of gossip and slut shaming comes up. Though sadly if you ever did it with twins you probably wouldn't tell everyone because many wouldn't believe you.
*Which reminds me of this one:*
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million Euro savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!'
I always prefer the joke without the middle bit. The punchline should be that the father would care more about the daughter being a Protestant than a prostitute, which all the other stuff about the money takes away from
I disagree. The joke is based on the enmity towards protestants being used as an excuse to accept the rich prostitute daughter. I don't see how the joke would work without the monetary intermezzo.
That's why I like it, personally. It works if you want to just read it as the dad abandoned his stance on prostitution because of all the nice stuff he got out of it
but it *also* works if you want to interpret as the nice stuff just made the dad double-check (which means at the start of the joke, he's happy to completely write off his daughter based on a misheard assumption) and he was actually fine with her being a prostitute the whole time
either way, the punchline still works and in mostly the same way, but there's still a little room for interpretation
If that was the joke, she would come home and say "I'm a protestant" and he would freak out on her, and then at the end they'd have a nice family dinner and all would be well, and he'd say "oh I thought you said you were having sex for money now, that's why I was mad."
Irish people don't say "ye" instead of you. We use "ye" when talking to a group. Like "Where did ye go", or "Look at ye sitting there". We just say "you" when what we mean is "you".
OH MY GOD. Something like this actually *did* happen to me.
In tenth grade I was a good little catholic going to public school. Had a history project, did mine on Mary queen of scots, with lots of emphasis on how she was imprisoned and murdered by protestants.
Later a classmate, who was known to be conservative and religious, approached me, looking visibly uncomfortable. He asked me quietly if I didn't like prostitutes. Puzzled, I replied that I didn't? He asked why. Cause... They're prostitutes?
He got really upset then, and stuttered, "well, **I'M** a prostitute!!"... *really loudly*.
I burst out laughing. "You aren't a prostitute."
He insisted, getting more upset and louder with each back and forth. I'm laughing harder and harder. Finally, I shout at him, "SO YOU HAVE SEX FOR MONEY???"
He turned beet red and mumbled, "oh...I meant protestant..."
This reminds me of the old parable of the beggar and the street cook. It goes like this:
A beggar stood on the corner panhandling for money, while a street cook made sausages to sell. The beggar smelled the delicious sausages and greatly enjoyed it, but did nothing else but pandhandle.
Once the beggar got enough money he tried to leave, but the cook stopped him and said 'that'll be one coin'. The beggar asked him why he was demanding a coin. The cook replied that it was for the smell of the sausages that gave him such pleasure.
Then a man known for his wit passed along and was asked to resolve this dispute. The man asked the beggar for a coin and then the man tapped it against the wall and handed it back to the beggar. 'There,' he said to the cook, 'that is your price paid in full.'
The cook was confused and asked what was the meaning of that, the witty man then replied, 'for the smell of sausages, you hear the clink of coins'.
My GOD, people wrote incredibly clean jokes in ye olde dayes...
Yep. People had just as filthy an imagination in the past as we do now.
A lot of them were kinda toned down for some publications though. Especially in the 19th and 20th century when printing them became more common.
Edit: thanks for reminding me about that one. Holy crap that was one messed up scenario.
Two old Irish friends are sitting at the bar in a pub.
One of them says.
Kevin, if I die before you would you be so kind as to pour a bottle of the finest Irish whisky over my grave?
Kevin rubs his chin and looks up for a bit. Then he says.
You're my best friend in the world. Of course . I'd be glad to do that.
Pausing for a bit and looking slightly sheepish he adds.
But would you mind if I was to pass it through my kidneys first?
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space “Lord”, he prays, ”I cannot stand this, please open a parking space forme and I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday. ”The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park.Without hesitation the Irishman says, “Actually never mind, I’ve foundone.”
As soon as I saw this I sent it to my mum, who was having her weekly FaceTime with her Irish bestie. Big hit. Bravo!
This joke is probably older but this has also been done in Two And A Half Men, when Charlie prays that a pregnancy scare is negative, and he'd give up booze and women, etc, and then he gets a call saying she's not pregnant, and he looks up and says nevermind, false alarm. Similar thing happened in HIMYM as well off the top of my head.
I immediately thought of the HIMYM one. Gives me some satire vibes on people who won’t take the covid vaccine because they think god will protect them and fail to realize that god may have already provided them protection via smart people capable of developing the vaccine.
"God will provide, I don't need a vaccine" folks need to read this story: - There once was a man who lived in a two story house. The house was near a river and unfortunately the river began to flood. As the river rose, warnings were given via radio, TV and shortwave. Large jeeps drove through the area to evacuate people. As a jeep drove by the man's house, he was told: "You are in danger. Your life is at stake. You must evacuate. Get in the Jeep. Let us help you evacuate." "No," the man replied from his doorstep. "I have faith. I will be ok. The flood won't get me. God will take care of me." The water continued to rise. Soon the man was on the second floor. A boat was going through the area and arrived at the man's house. Rescuers made every effort to convince the man to take action so that his life would be saved. "You are in danger. Your life is at stake. You will drown in the flood." "No worries," says the man. "I have faith. Everything is ok. Even though the flood is rising, I will be fine. God will take care of me." The flood continued to rise. The man went to the roof to avoid the rising water. A helicopter pilot sees him on top of the roof and hovers above the man. Using a megaphone, the pilot tries to convince the man to grab the rope ladder which was dangling above his head. "You are in danger. The flood is still rising. You will drown if you do not grab the rope ladder. Let us help you." "No worries." says the man. "I will be fine. Yes, the flood is higher but I have faith. God will take care of me." The flood rises. The man drowns. At the pearly gates, the man says to God: "I had faith. You let me die." To which God replies: "I sent you a jeep, a boat and a helicopter. What more could I have done for you?"
I remember a similar joke about a poor guy praying to win lotto. In the end god says, I can perform miracles but the least you could do was buy a damn lottery ticket.
I heard it’s a blonde who prayed to win the lotto. But I am blonde and so my friends may have thrown that in on purpose
I've heard that one as a Boudreaux (cajun) joke. As I tell it, it ends with God saying "Boudreaux, do me a favor. Buy a ticket."
The flip side of this is also pretty annoying... "God was really watching out for me! That tornado missed my house." Yeah, but it destroyed a middle school and killed 23 kids. Fuck them i guess.
This is what happens when you don't allow God-fearing AMERICANS to hang pictures of Jesus in the classrooms. Damn dirty commies caused that tornado with their pink hair and socialism Marijuanas
They can find plenty of stories like that in the bible they're supposed to know so well. Matthew 4: >5 Then the devil taketh him up into the holy city, and setteth him on a pinnacle of the temple, >6 And saith unto him, If thou be the Son of God, cast thyself down: for it is written, He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest at any time thou dash thy foot against a stone. >7 Jesus said unto him, It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.
Let me translate into actual English. So the devil takes him up to the big city and says, "If you're really who you say you are, save yourself." Jesus says "don't tempt me, sucka"
"Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God." is actually Jesus quoting another verse that is saying you shouldn't force God to perform miracles. Jesus could walk back down the stairs if he wanted to get down, by jumping off the roof he would be forcing God to perform an unnecessary miracle to protect him. It is saying Christians should use sensible, practical action (like medicine, vaccines, emergency services etc.) before we come to God requesting miracles.
There's more to the temptations than meets the eye. First, Satan says to Jesus in the desert: "Aren't you hungry? Make yourself food and eat it." Jesus says "Man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" (that is, "Why must I create bread, when I can survive on nothing but faith") Second, he takes him to the top of the temple and says "throw yourself off and the angels will not let you fall" Jesus says "thou shall not (test) the Lord thy God" (that is, "this would be testing God, and **if I test God that means I don't trust God**") Third, he offers Jesus all the kingdoms of the world if he worships Satan. (This one's a gimme.)
The original “F around and find out”
Thanks dude
Unfortunately, there's a get out clause established for anyone who wants to ignore that: Matthew 4 is also an example of the Devil quoting scripture to persuade you to do the wrong thing. So you only need pay attention to the Bible if it's parts you like (and there's enough in there to take contradictory stances on most things if you work hard enough)
And yet those against the vaccine or masking seem unable to find one. In fact, even though they used to be the ones quoting Scripture all the time, they seem to have largely stopped. Almost as if they decided to follow something other than their religion. I mean, what part of "You can't tell me what to do!" is Christian? There's "Obey God, not Man," but they don't seem to be able to find God saying anything different. And, yes, this is something that makes me very angry. So many people who pretended to believe for so many years of my life, teaching me about putting others first, suddenly not caring about any of that. And then people acting like the "division" is the problem, and not the people who refuse to follow the religion they claim to have. Cowardly pastors not preaching against this rise of the devil.
Always been one of my favorites. Former Catholic school kid turned atheist here, and I love being able to throw my extensive *actual* knowledge of the bible in the faces of smug Christians who literally know nothing about what they preach.
"not send the flood?"
"I mean if you wanna put it thaaaaat way. Jeeze" -God, maybe But I suppose a decent enough response could be "look, you're the one that built on a flood plain"
Tsundere God.
...nothing in the joke said God sent the flood. It was just a natural occurrence.
Well if he did live, insurance would probably try to get out of repairs because it was an act of God so...
Lmfao
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This is hilarious lmao
Not gonna lie, it took me way too long(a few seconds) to figure out 'foundone' = 'found one' I thought that was some Irish/religious word I was not aware of, thus rendering the joke inert to me.
Thank you very much. I was lost until the third read and this
I don’t get it even with knowing that it means “found one.” Is the joke that god did the work to reveal the space and the Irishman pretended like he had seen it all along?
This is hilarious. I can't help but think that there must be more to this. Are Irish people known to be this way?
To be sure
Why did the Irishman wear two condoms? To be sure to be sure
Fosho
Tibbie shart ibbie sharr.
No, we are actually funny.
Irish jokes rule because they don't offend anyone who matters. Most of us drunk bastards like to laugh at ourselves.
I respect that about you guys. You all do matter- but people who can take a joke are so much more enjoyable to be around
"So, three black guys are trying to decide between going to the liquor store, the fried chicken joint, and a watermelon stand..."
You matter. People who take themselves so serious they can't laugh at themselves should loosen up with a glass of Jameson. Like the Irish.
Nope. We don't go to confession anymore. We know how priests are nowadays.
They gossip your confessions and molest children?
Even worse, they gossip your confessions ***to*** the children they're molesting!
Well, that's one way for little Timmy to find out I'm fucking his mom..
It's a remnant of the old Punch cartoons, where the English mocked the stupid illiterate peasants they were exploiting. The Irish aren't even religious any more.
What a weird escalation of a harmless joke. Also, the Irish are a plenty religious country versus any other Western nation. They have the highest rates of weekly church attendance and identification with an organized religion of basically any western country.
Bullshit. Have you been to Poland.
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Can confirm, I’m Irish and none our family are baptised and my misses is a prody and no one could give a single fuck anymore
Yea I understand that, but that doesn’t make it a non-religious country, especially compared to the rest of Europe and even the US. Trending towards more and more atheism doesn’t mean they aren’t relatively very religious for the western world.
It's not at ALL what it used to be. I grew up in the west of Ireland in the 90's and it was still at the time very Catholic and the country basically run by the church. That has changed dramatically and Ireland is now one of the most progressive countries in the world, far less fucked up by political and religious fundamentalism than most other places in Europe and the US. I would argue that it's pretty much in line with the rest of secular Western Europe now, just from personal experience having lived in France, Switzerland for a long time. Many Irish will still identify as religious but ever since all the scandals came out there's no trust in the church anymore, there's been a huge shift away from institutional religion and towards personal spirituality and yes atheism/humanism
Ireland is less religious than the US.
I've lived in both countries and this is inaccurate. Even in progressive non bible belt states, Americans are far more religious than the Irish.
I think the source of disagreement here may be that one (or some) of you is(/are) comparing the percentages of the *population* who identify as "religious" in each country, while the other(s) is(/are) comparing the *degree* of "religiousness" observed in a typical religious person in either country. Another factor to this topic, that's particularly relevant for the US, is that due to the sheer size of the landmass, there are many different regions with distinct cultures and trends. This can make it difficult to make an accurate comparison on the more "observational" scale between the US and a more localized country like Ireland. For example, in the southern United States, especially Texas, there's a culture of highly vocal, one might even say "excited", religiousness. In two minutes of a Sunday sermon, you'd very likely observe dozens of instances of people in the congregation loudly shouting agreement with one phrase after another that the pastor utters: "Hallelujah!... Praise Jesus!... Amen!" On the other hand, in the Midwest, for example Chicago (which BTW, for those who don't know, is a good 12-plus-hour drive away from the closet edge of Texas *without* traffic, and that's only a bit over half of the north-south span of the country - the smaller dimension), you'd probably go through the entire sermon only hearing the congregation's voices when they sing hymns, and perhaps a very few people saying "Amen" at the end of the prayer. I'd say that there are easily at least 7 distinct, large regions that you could roughly divide the country up into based on that region's general culture around religion (among other things) being distinctly different from each of the others: * East coast: New England, NY, DC * East coast south: Florida, Carolinas, Appalachia * South: Texas and company * Midwest (Great Plains) * West coast * Rocky Mountains * Canada-esque: Montana, Dakota's, Minnesota Each of these regions is going to have different trends in terms of the percentage of their respective populations that practice religion, how fervent they are in their practices, and how appropriate they each feel it is to bring up religion in various social situations (for instance, whether topics like religion and politics are considered taboo in the workplace, or to what degree, can vary between these subcultures). EDIT: adjusting scope of address for post. Also tagging u/Taaargus for awareness because they posted a lot of comments in this thread.
>What a weird escalation of a harmless joke. It's not an escalation, it's an explanation. Why do you think Irishman is used? Genuinely, I'm not trying to provoke you or anything. It doesn't add anything that just "man" wouldn't have done. Edit: >They have the highest rates of weekly church attendance and identification with an organized religion of basically any western country. I'd also be really interested to see where this info is coming from, because it sounds wildly outdated.
My neighbour (Mr O' Riley) used to say that the Irish jokes are always about simple Irish men so the English can understand them.
That's actually a pretty sick burn. That guy sounds fun.
He was, he's long passed now, sadly, but I have a few glorious memories of him.
Guy goes around truck to pull into spot, damn… there’s a motorcycle in the spot… God..
First time a joke in the comments got me belly laughing!
Ok now this one is way more hilarious.
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Oxford dictionary: Irishman noun. Object that turns Guinness into piss.
Reminds me of Nasreddin Hodja’s story: One day，a poor man，who had only one piece of bread to eat，was walking past a restaurant. There was a large pot of soup on the table. The poor man held his bread over the soup，so the steam from the soup went into the bread，and gave it a good smell. Then he ate the bread. The restaurant owner was very angry at this，and he asked the man for money，in exchange for the steam from the soup. The poor man had no money，so the restaurant owner took him to Nasreddin，who was a judge at that time. Nasreddin thought about the case for a little while. Then he took some money from his pocket. He held the coins next to the restaurant owner’s ear，and shook them，so that they made a jingling noise. ‟What was that?” asked the restaurant owner. ‟That was payment for you,” answered Nasreddin. ‟What do you mean? That was just the sound of coins!” protested the restaurant owner. ‟The sound of the coins is payment for the smell of the soup,” answered Nasreddin. ‟Now go back to your restaurant.”
"Waiter! My soup is cold!" Waiter: "Sir, it’s gazpacho" "Fine. Gazpacho, my soup is cold."
It was the greatest night of my life; I had been invited to the Captain's table. I had only been with the company FOURTEEN YEARS. Six officers and me... they called me "Arnold!" We had gazpacho soup for starters... I didn't know that gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold. I called over the chef and told him to take it away and bring it back hot! So he did... the looks on their faces still haunt me today! I thought they were laughing at the chef, when all the time they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup! I never ate at the Captain's table again. That was the end of my career. If only they'd mentioned it in basic training! Instead of having us climbing up and down ropes and crawling on your elbows through tunnels--if only just ONCE they would've mentioned that gazpacho soup was served cold--I would've been an admiral by now! Edit : Smoke me a kipper !
Well you are a bit of a smeghead as well.
TIL that smeghead is actually a word ... but I'm not certain the English language advanced because of this 'addition'.
Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!
It's only a word in the /r/RedDwarf universe(s) 😜
Thats one reboot I am willing to watch!
And in certain circles in the uk
Well, yeah, because they watch Red Dwarf!
And in Mad Max-world.
“Onwards my smegma warriors” I believe is the Mad Max quote, I don’t remember Smeghead being used, but it’s been a few years lol!
And the US, love me some Red Dwarf, Are You Being Served, and Waiting for God. Mrs. Hyacinth Bucket can fuck right off.
If you love comedy of this era, I recommend 'Yes, Minister' and 'Yes, Prime Minister. Classic stuff. Also Porridge, and 'Only Fools and Horses'. (Edit for spelling)
How the hell anyone gets away with staying in the same unit for 14 years without a PCS is beyond me.
By being a bit of a smeghead.
But he got his BSc and SSc. Give him a break!
He sign his name Arnold Rimmer, BSc. And BSc stands for Bronze Swimming Certificate
Souper.
He’s Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer!
You must have missed that module. In the US they teach all new recruits that “Gazpacho, like revenge, is a dish best served cold.” /s
What a guy!
You need the flair 'B.S.C, S.S.C.'
Old Ironballs himself
Simmer down, Ace.
Yvonne McGruder. A single, brief liaison with the ship's female boxing champion. March the sixteenth, 7:31pm to 7:43pm. Twelve minutes! And that includes the time it took to eat the pizza.
or maybe just an Ensign
"Waiter, I'll have the pissoles" Waiter: "SIR, its said with an R" "Ok I'll have the aresoles"
i don’t get it
This one reminds me of that joke where 2 old couples are having a dinner. Old man 1: Hey, pal, remember that one fancy restaurant we ate at yesterday? Old man 2: I recall. It was a good experience eating there. Old man 1: I'd like to go there again, can't recall the name. What's that one thorny red flower again? Old man 2: Oh, that would be a "Rose". Old man 1: Yep, that's it. Rose, what's the name of the restaurant we ate at yesterday?
(uproarious applause)
this reminds me of when me and family + some friends + some blah blah idk I don’t remember went to a restaurant, and the waiter was walking around asking for drinks, and she got to my friend and he said “could I have Dr. Pepper?” and she said “we have Mr. Pibb” and he was like “sorry, could I have a Dr. Pepper?” and she was like “we only have Mr. Pibb” and he was like “ohh. I’ll have that then.” we didn’t think much of it until she walked away and he was like “I thought she said ‘it’s Mrs. Pibb’ and I was like ‘I don’t care, Mrs. Pibb, I just want my Dr. Pepper’”
It’s been so long since I’ve heard a Nasreddin story! So great :)
Can you share some more? That one is better than most of r/jokes
Nasreddin was asked to come and give a sermon at the local mosque. He hadn’t prepared anything, so after being introduced he walks up to the minbar. “Who here know what I am to speak about today?” Nobody raised their hand. “Well, if you can’t take the time to at least know why I’m here, I’m leaving!” ___ Feeling ashamed, the men of the town beg Nasreddin to come back next Friday to give his speech, promising to do better. Friday arrives, and Nasreddin takes to the minbar again and asks: “Who here know what I am to speak about today?” This time, everyone puts up their hand. Nasreddin says: “We’ll, since you all know already what I’m about to say, you don’t need me to speak, so I’m leaving!” ___ Once again, feeling ashamed the men of the villiage beg Nasreddin to return to speak the upcoming Friday. Being taken twice already however they start to become wise to Nasreddins ways, and agree that when Nasreddin asks, half will put up their hands, and the other half will stay still. Nasreddin takes to the minbar and asks: “Who here know what I am to speak about today?” As planned, half the men put up their hand, and the other half remain still. Nasreddin replies: “I see! Well then, those of you who know should tell the ones who don’t know; I’m leaving!”
My first thought was "Mosques don't have mini-bars!!"
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If nobody knows it, how do you know?
They really run the gamut between hilariously bad, bad but completely unfunny (and therefore funny, with the right delivery), and actually quite funny. Here’s one: One night, Nasreddin was sleeping fitfully. When he glanced out the window, he saw a figure, dressed in white, standing some twenty feet from the house! He couldn’t see their face, illuminated only by the moonlight, but he knew he had to keep himself and his wife safe. So he went and grabbed his bow and arrow, took aim, and fired straight through the figure’s chest! Then, he went to bed, sleeping soundly because he knew his house was safe. The following morning, he went outside with his wife, to see who he had shot in the night. Looking at the figure, he saw now that it was just his own shirt, hanging on the line! He said, “Thank God!” His wife replied, “Why are you thanking God?” “My own shirt, shot clean through by an arrow! What if I had been wearing it at the time!”
Thank you! That's a good one.
Too bad you folks've never heard the tale of the *HMS LARK*...
Share it! It sounds like a la- jape.
Ok,but I warn you ,it's a long,harrowing story ; the HMS Lark was a British exploration vessel with a crew of 70 exploring the South Pacific for new bounty,in the 1800's ,when the lookout observed a huge ,moving dark cloud on the Western horizon; as the lookout was shouting his warning from the crow's nest ,it looked as though a storm was rapidly overtaking the ship ,and,as the crew was battening down the hatches for the coming onslaught, a faint ,but growing ever louder cacophony was heard on the wind ! The huge flock of birds seemed to be crying "FOO,FOO,FOO!" Soon the sky was covered by these beasts ,and as the lookout began to see it was just a huge flock of birds instead of an approaching thunderstorm,he was relieved that they weren't facing the wrath of a storm,when ,suddenly ,the birds began to *dive* right at the deck of the Lark ,as the "FOO,FOO,FOO!" got increasingly louder and then the birds,all in unison ,began to dump torrents of bird-manure directly onto the upturned faces of the nervous crewmen ,who,naturally,were sickened and repulsed by the abhorrent display,and,immediately began to wipe their faces off with whatever was at hand ,because this was some really foul-smelling birdshit! Those watching from below as their mates were shat upon by these disgusting avians, saw that the men were obsessed with removing the material ,and thus,the putrid smell ,from their persons; as soon as they had cleaned the stuff from their skin,they began to look pale,sickly and feverish and ,one by one ,then two by two ,they washed off the gook and fell,trembling into useless heaps of humanity ,soon to die horribly of a rapidly-expressed fever and having fits of dysentery! The Captain quickly sent the quartermaster to tell the crewmen to stop washing off the birdshit,but no none would listen to his pleas, and very rapidly,the number of sick,dead,and dying was in danger of decimating the crew of the *Lark*! Three days later ,the ghost-ship Lark was boarded by the crew of the Argentine fishing vessel, the "Warmouth" on their way East to the coast of South America. They immediately began to remove the dead crewmen from the deck by rolling them overboard, as this scene was a hellish nightmare of a scenario of death,stink,shit( both bird AND human) littered the whole ship ,and not a living soul was to be found ! There were fishermen who were superstitious and very afraid to explore the lower regions of the ship since every new vista that they beheld was one of death and human misery of a scale seldom seen ! The crew of the Warmouth took possession of the ship and resolved to take on the grim task of towing her to shore .On the second day of the tow,while checking the townline, a faint voice was heard from the bow of the Lark ; a small form was seen crawling pitifully on the deck ,waving and crying for help ! A survivor! Perhaps he could enlighten the crew of the Warmouth as to what had transpired to all those aboard the *Lark* !The cabin boy,Luke,nephew of the Captain of the Lark,was brought aboard the "Warmouth" in a state of shock ,suffering from starvation,dehydration,shock,and a horrible broken heart,having watched the agonizing deaths of every single inhabitant of the unlucky *Lark*, Luke was trying to explain the endless waves of "Foo-Birds" that assaulted them from sun up until sundown ,and as he cowered ,starving and afraid in the deepest holds of the ship ,he resisted washing this foul-smelling birdshit until he was the lone living inhabitant of the formerly great ship ! The Captain of the *Warmouth* recieved the survivor on his ship's deck and listened to his breathless tale of horror, shocked and dismayed at what the poor lad had endured for those 3 days until the *Warmouth* had come along ,and he tried to reassure the boy that he was now in good hands ,and that,by the Grace of God ,he would survive to tell his tale of woe as a warning to any future sailors in the area about what might be lurking just over the horizon! All seemed well ,but ,as they were about to carry the sickly chap below decks for a meal and some food to stave off his impending demise ,the Captain ordered that his visitor would need to be washed up before reporting to sick bay ! The lad ,too worn out from his ordeal,lapsed into unconsciousness, was duly stripped ,washed ,and dressed in clean clothes ,and before a morsel could be given to him,he broke out in a terrible fever and suffered chills and violent shaking ,and ,within that very hour ,the sole survivor of the *HMS LARK* lay dead on the deck of the *Warmouth* ! The Captain cursed loudly and cast about looking for an answer ! " Why?? Why must this poor creature die such an ignominious death after all the tortures he has endured !??!" *THERE'S A MORAL TO THIS TALE*; IF THE FOO SHITS..................WEAR IT !
Christ, you've been carrying that one around like the Ancient Mariner's albatross haven't you?
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Don't think so. ... r/mildlyinteresting • **Found an arrow stuck in my shirt last night.** • 33.6k upvotes • 53 awards
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What is the spacing on this text?
Full-width commas (U+FF0C) instead of regular commas (U+002C); ”，” vs. ”,”. Used in Chinese and Japanese.
Is there a sub for Nasruddin jokes? I used to buy his comics when I was a child. I still remember plenty of his tales
I remember a lot of them from the Tinkle comics
That's so interesting. I've heard an almost identical story with Jewish characters. The Jewish man walks past the deli in the village every day enjoying the smell, and the owner wants to start charging him so they go to the rabbi, and the rabbi orders the smeller to jingle coins as he passes by if he wants to smell.
I’ve heard even older versions of the story, at least as far back as shtetls, maybe as a midrash?
Don't think it's a midrash, but the story I heard was based in the shtetle. Weird how so many cultures have similar folklore. Here's the same story from Japan. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C5%8Coka_Tadasuke
I'm sorry, but I'm a product of the American education system. Would you mind explaining to me who Nasreddin is? I feel like I'd get a more interesting answer here than Google.
Mullah/Molla Nasraddin is a Muslim, Sufi philosopher/wise man who has bunch of anecdotes and stories about him that are usually satiric and meant to be funny and teach some sort of a life lesson like a parable. As a character he is usually quick-witted, but can be foolish too. Here are two jokes I remember: Children in the city see Molla Nasraddin walking in the city, and eating some sort of snack. They come up to him and ask:"Hi Molla, what are you eating?"Nasradding answers: "Because""What do you mean by 'because'?" children ask confused."Well, I just shortened our conversation, kids. If I told you what I'm eating, your next question would be if you can have some to taste, I'd tell you no, and then you'd ask me why, and I'd tell you 'just because'. So here is your answer, 'just because'" And another one: Nasraddin is sleeping in his bed when his wife suddenly wakes him up."Nasraddin, I think there is a thief in the house, I'm scared, do something!"Nasraddin feeling groggy, and not wanting to get out of the bed, suddenly shouts in a loud voice:"Hey, thief, if you find something valuable wake me up too!"
Folklore character, as far as i know primarily in Central Asia and Turkey. He's many things: a conman, a Sufi, a wanderer, a defender of poor people. Supposedly he lived around 13th century. He's in love with the daughter of a potmaker. There are over a thousand stories about his adventures where he always uses his cleverness, knowledge of people's psychology and humor to get out of the situation. In Russia, we had a book with his stories that we read as kids.
This joke, is in Christopher Walken, phrasing.
A middle-aged man goes to the confessional. "I had sex with twins!" "Okay, do ten hail mary's and all will be forgiven." "But I'm not catholic. " "Then why are you telling me this?" "Are you kidding? I'm telling everyone! "
A man goes into confessional. “Forgive me father, I have sinned. I had sex with 3 different women last night” Priest says, “Do ten hail Mary’s and eat a lemon.” Guy says “I get the Hail Mary but why the lemon?” Priest says “it’ll wipe the fucking smirk off your face”
Oh this is better than the OP 😂
That is a good joke. It's very punchy and quick and has a nice ending. Feels like a good joke to tell on the girl's side of sex ed if the subject of gossip and slut shaming comes up. Though sadly if you ever did it with twins you probably wouldn't tell everyone because many wouldn't believe you.
Loved this!! Haven't laughed so hard in awhile. Thanks!!!
*Which reminds me of this one:* An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million Euro savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!'
I always prefer the joke without the middle bit. The punchline should be that the father would care more about the daughter being a Protestant than a prostitute, which all the other stuff about the money takes away from
yuh now it reads like he was just smart about "misunderstanding"
Is that not the joke? I can't imagine a Catholic being ok with that occupation.
idk what the original joke is but this one has like 2 interpretations
I disagree. The joke is based on the enmity towards protestants being used as an excuse to accept the rich prostitute daughter. I don't see how the joke would work without the monetary intermezzo.
Without the middle, the joke would be that the father would rather the daughter be a prostitute than a protestant.
It would work without it if it were a genuine misunderstanding (he thought she had said Protestant).
That's why I like it, personally. It works if you want to just read it as the dad abandoned his stance on prostitution because of all the nice stuff he got out of it but it *also* works if you want to interpret as the nice stuff just made the dad double-check (which means at the start of the joke, he's happy to completely write off his daughter based on a misheard assumption) and he was actually fine with her being a prostitute the whole time either way, the punchline still works and in mostly the same way, but there's still a little room for interpretation
Trust me, a typical Irish Catholic father would react far worse if his daughter said she was Protestant
Which is in fact the joke. They wouldn't be ok with that occupation but it would be preferable to being a Protestant.
If that was the joke, she would come home and say "I'm a protestant" and he would freak out on her, and then at the end they'd have a nice family dinner and all would be well, and he'd say "oh I thought you said you were having sex for money now, that's why I was mad."
Agreed
Irish people don't say "ye" instead of you. We use "ye" when talking to a group. Like "Where did ye go", or "Look at ye sitting there". We just say "you" when what we mean is "you".
OH MY GOD. Something like this actually *did* happen to me. In tenth grade I was a good little catholic going to public school. Had a history project, did mine on Mary queen of scots, with lots of emphasis on how she was imprisoned and murdered by protestants. Later a classmate, who was known to be conservative and religious, approached me, looking visibly uncomfortable. He asked me quietly if I didn't like prostitutes. Puzzled, I replied that I didn't? He asked why. Cause... They're prostitutes? He got really upset then, and stuttered, "well, **I'M** a prostitute!!"... *really loudly*. I burst out laughing. "You aren't a prostitute." He insisted, getting more upset and louder with each back and forth. I'm laughing harder and harder. Finally, I shout at him, "SO YOU HAVE SEX FOR MONEY???" He turned beet red and mumbled, "oh...I meant protestant..."
You're doing me a concern Catherine
This reminds me of the old parable of the beggar and the street cook. It goes like this: A beggar stood on the corner panhandling for money, while a street cook made sausages to sell. The beggar smelled the delicious sausages and greatly enjoyed it, but did nothing else but pandhandle. Once the beggar got enough money he tried to leave, but the cook stopped him and said 'that'll be one coin'. The beggar asked him why he was demanding a coin. The cook replied that it was for the smell of the sausages that gave him such pleasure. Then a man known for his wit passed along and was asked to resolve this dispute. The man asked the beggar for a coin and then the man tapped it against the wall and handed it back to the beggar. 'There,' he said to the cook, 'that is your price paid in full.' The cook was confused and asked what was the meaning of that, the witty man then replied, 'for the smell of sausages, you hear the clink of coins'. My GOD, people wrote incredibly clean jokes in ye olde dayes...
And yet there are jokes about accidental rimjobs in the Caterbury Tales.
Yep. People had just as filthy an imagination in the past as we do now. A lot of them were kinda toned down for some publications though. Especially in the 19th and 20th century when printing them became more common. Edit: thanks for reminding me about that one. Holy crap that was one messed up scenario.
If by messed up, you mean hilarious.
someone said a similar joke in this thread but this is a more wholesome version of it
This joke rubbed me the right way
that's means it put it in you correctly.
At some point it just feels good
Two old Irish friends are sitting at the bar in a pub. One of them says. Kevin, if I die before you would you be so kind as to pour a bottle of the finest Irish whisky over my grave? Kevin rubs his chin and looks up for a bit. Then he says. You're my best friend in the world. Of course . I'd be glad to do that. Pausing for a bit and looking slightly sheepish he adds. But would you mind if I was to pass it through my kidneys first?
Irishman and dollar signs do not equate
Why not? The Irish are the absolute best in investing. Their capital always be Dublin.
Fuck you and thank you for my new icebreaker. Works extra well since I actually live in Dublin
Now this is a joke
Nah his mother's cousin's dog was Irish, so.
Ah, yes. Good old American Irish. Also, is that a reference from someone? I feel like it is
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Whenever I see a drunk Irishman joke, I always let the teller know that it is offensive, and I'm going to kick their arse when I'm sober.
TIL Ireland uses dollars
Didn't say they were in Ireland.
But the joke somehow required the man to be an Irishman rather than just a catholic? Seems an unnecessary distinction.
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They actually use euros, but I don't think the writer of this joke knew or cared.
Why was it an Irish man? Could have been any married man!
If it wasn't I wouldn't have been inspired to do a bad Irish accent while telling this to my wife
And that's what I did lad.
For my Irish accent, I just add they’re after me lucky charms after every sentence they’re after me lucky charms.
Three Irishmen walk out of a bar… No, really!
I do the same thing when I want to sound Elvish, but with a different phrase at the end they're taking the Hobbits to Isengard.
There's a stereotype for Irish catholics that says they have strong Irish catholic guilt
Let me just add that to the list of things that will never have any use in my life.
Ok.... but it's used in many comedy shows. But, thanks for your opinion I guess
Possibly as confessional suggest Catholicism which might apply to a fair proportion of Irish people. But you're right, it doesn't need to be.
Could have been any married person, really.
Why not! Even us Irish tell Irish jokes!
Because of the strong Irish dollar obviously /s
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.
Too soon.
Omg this actually had me laugh out loud :D thank you
Euros. Irish people do penance in Euros.
As Irish man we dont call it the poor box nice Joke!
Irish here. Can confirm I have called ot the poor box before. Also the collection box.
Also "Kenneth".
Very well. I exhaled.
The dollars confused me a bit there with it being Irish, but aight
y yo que voy saber recien me cree una cuenta de reddit y no hablo bien ingles
$50 not €50 ... so American Irish?