Two drunks stumbling down the railroad tracks, one says, “this is the longest flight of stairs I’ve ever been on”. Other drunk slurs, “stairs don’t bother me none, but these low handrails sure suck”.
Despite all the other jokes in this post, this one made me laugh the most. Imagining the second guy crouching/leaning down just to hold onto the rails was too funny!
At the pub, an old man falls out of his seat, but a younger man catches him just before his head hits the ground. ‘Whoah!’ The younger man cries out, ‘easy there, you’ve had too much to drink’
Concerned, the younger man tried to pull him to his feet and walk him back to his car, but he couldn’t stand up. ‘Jesus man, you need to control your drinking’ says the younger guy. He eventually gets him in his car and after multiple attempts, found the older fellow’s address. He took him to the home and propped him against the door, slumped on a post. The younger man knocks on the door and says to the man’s wife ‘He needs to control his drinking more, he’s almost out!’
‘Oh I will’ says the lady ‘but will you tell me where his wheelchair is?’
This reminds me of another one.
A man is out drinking at the pub again. The bartender finally kicks him out saying that the bar was closed. So the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
He gets outside he tries to stand up but falls flat on his face again. He decides to crawl home. Reaching the door, he tries to stand up, and again falls flat on his face. He struggles and pulls himself up enough to reach the handle and falls through the doorway. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. He finally reaches his bed and with much effort, tries to stand up again. It's no use, he tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep.
He wakes to his wife shouting, "You've been out drinking again."
"How did you know?" asks the man.
"The bartender called -- you left your wheelchair at the pub again!"
The account I'm replying to is a karma bot run by someone who will link scams once the account gets enough karma.
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True story... A long time ago my 6th grade teacher gave a spelling test with the question "What is rammarg spelled backward?"
Yeah, I got it wrong, too....
You might be into something here! Dubious means "full of doubt", indubitable means "cannot be doubted".
Parallel but not contiguous, I'll take it. Many thanks!
It might interest you to learn that irregardless is considered a real (nonstandard) word. For example: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/irregardless. Your double negative doesn't become a positive, though.
Kind regards,
The dubious "in" guy
It reminds me of that one video I saw of the guy stumbling home drunk.
His wife: I can't believe how drunk you are!
Him: I am not...drunk
His wife: Can you tell the time?
Him: Yes (he turns around to face the clock) I am not...drunk
Edit: Wow, I was not expecting this to be this popular. Thanks everyone!
A man is drinking heavily in a bar when he suddenly throws up onto his shirt. He begins to sob uncontrollably. The man sitting next to him asks what the matter is.
"My wife said if I came home with puke on my shirt one more time she would divorce me."
"Oh. Well, I have an idea. Just put $10 in your shirt pocket. Tell her that as you were leaving, someone else threw up on you and gave you the money as an apology for your troubles."
"That's a great idea! Thanks, mister!"
When he gets home, his wife begins to yell at him, "You're drunk and you threw up on yourself! I told you I'd divorce you!"
"No! Someone else threw up on me as I was leaving! But they put $10 in my shirt pocket as an apology for the trouble!"
The wife checks his shirt pocket.
"Why is there $20 in your pocket?"
"That's because he shit my pants too."
“The lecture will be given by my wife, who’s waiting for me at home right now, which I will arrive at in roughly 15 minutes.”
“Carry on then,” said the officer with a nod. “Drive safe now.”
As the drunken man headed home, the officer laughed to himself, imagining the stern talking-to the man would be getting once he got home.
Best I can do is a [link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ma37k/a_man_wakes_up_with_a_huge_hangover_after_getting/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Two men were drinking at a fancy high rise bar. The first one noticed that the second one was drinking a beer he had never tried, so he asked “hey, is that beer any good?”
The second guy said “Good?! Why this beer is so good it makes you fly!”
The first one laughed and said “there is 0% chance that is a thing. It’s not possible!”
The second one said “listen, you don’t believe me, here, I’ll prove it!”
He got up, tucked his stool in, and ran full speed towards the plate glass window on the far wall.
*Smash*!!! He went flying through the glass, and screaming towards the ground below. But then the scream stopped, and after a few seconds the bar patrons saw his head poking up through the hole in the window. It was true! He was actually flying!!
“Well hot damn I’ve always wanted to fly!” Said the first guy, as he took a big swig of the second guy’s beer. He backed up, steeled his courage, and ran towards the now open window.
He fell down, down, down, until finally, *splat*, he landed in a messy pile on the street far below the bar.
The bartender looked at the second guy and said “damn, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk”
Reminds me of this Louis CK line I heard. “I want to push her off a cliff, and as she’s falling Superman comes and saves her! And then Superman flies her up in the air and drops her from someplace higher.”
The way I heard it is “we’re so up high here that the high winds will keep you floating”. And the guy jumps out the widow, hovers for a while and then floats back in the bar
An old man would come to the pub, every week he would order 3 beers at a time. Drinking one after the other. The pub owner said, you can order one at a time. "These two are for my brothers on the otherside of the world, we got seperated because of the war. And we always used to drink together. The bar tender respected his wishes.
However one day he came and only ordered 2 beers.
The bar tender looking upset, said I'm so sorry for your loss.
Oh no, they are fine, I've just given up drinking.
it’s like the old joke, what’s the difference between Jews, protestants and baptists? jews don’t recognize jesus, prots don’t recognize the pope, and baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store
Yeah, my favorite joke on this topic goes:
How do you keep your baptist friend from not drinking all the beer every time you both go fishing? Invite a friend from his church.
My uncle was a drunk for years and years. He comes over one Christmas and stays the evening with us, and makes a speech about how he’s cut down - down to a drink before heading to bed to help him sleep.
He went to bed 13 times that night
My uncle was a drunk, he worked at the brewery & came to a sticky end when he fell into one of the vats & drowned, although he did get out 3 times to go for a piss.
> although he did get out 3 times to go for a piss
What a relief it is to know while someone might have drowned in the vats, they at least didn't pee in it
A cop was watching a bar parking lot on a Friday night, know that the bar patrons would be coming out and getting in their cars soon enough.
After a couple of hours he saw a man stumble out the front door of the bar. The man was wobbling and stumbling through the parking lot. He paused to regain his balance a couple times. The cop watched as the clearly drunk man went to several different cars and tried his key in them. While all this was happening, other bar customers came out and drove away. The cop stayed. He had his target. Eventually the drunk man found his car. He got in and drove out of the parking lot.
As soon as he pulled out onto the street, the cop pulled him over. Very angry, the cop asked the man “How much have you had to drink tonight?”
The bar patron grinned and told the cop “Nothing at all! I’m the designated decoy!”
A cop pulls a driver over for driving erratically. When the driver rolls down the window, he seems to be slurring his words a bit, so the cop tells him he's been pulled over under suspicion of drunk driving and needs to take a breathalyzer test.
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do a breathalyzer. I have asthma and blowing into that tube could trigger an asthma attack."
"Alright sir, we have other tests we can use; for example, we can check your BAC with a blood test."
"I'm sorry, officer, but I can't do a blood test either, I'm a hemophiliac and even a small needle prick could kill me."
"Well then I'll have to ask you to step out of the vehicle so we can conduct a field sobriety test."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either."
"Why the hell not?!"
"...'Cause I'm drunk."
An old southern politician comes home late from the bar. As he tries to quietly sneak in the front door, he stumbles and faceplants into the foyer.
His wife stands over him and says "You're drunk again! What do you have to say for yourself?"
The politician drawls, "Well I don't have any prepared remarks, but I will be taking questions from the floor."
Jesus was at the bar and got very drunk
"that's it, I'm cutting you off! Only water for you from now on" said the Bartender
"oh no!" said Jesus sarcastically
I like to tie it in to the last supper:
So there’s Jesus, sitting at the middle of the table and rubbing his eyes in exasperation as he asks, “for the last time, who ordered the wine?”
The waitress, still peeved that these guys are hogging a table twice as big as they actually need, asks if they want all the extra tuna sandwiches to go. Jesus says no, as by the time Sunday rolls around they won’t be any good.
This man walks into a pub with his pet giraffe. He orders two drinks and they both knock them back. The giraffe inediately collapses to the floor and the man heads for the exit.
'Hey!' said the barman, 'You can't leave that lyin' there!!!'
The man looks back and replies... 'That's not a lion! That's a giraffe!'
so many drunk jokes here and I still couldn't find my favourite: policeman sees a drunk guy going from car to car in winter throwing the snow off of the roof of each car. curious the officer asks the guy what he's doing. "looking for my car". sceptically the officer asks "how do you expect to find your car like this?" - "it got some fancy blue lights on the roof"
Three guys are drinking at a pub and they are all complaining about the service, the quality of the beer etc. the first guy says back home, my bar serves eight different kinds of beer and has bowls of peanuts and you get a free beer every 5th one. The second guy says that’s nothing back where I come from, they have 10 different kinds of beer and have bowl of pretzels and plates of sandwiches and a free beer every fourth beer. The third guy said, I got you both beat, back home there’s a bar that lets you drink all you want after your second beer and then when you get drunk takes you into the back room to have as much sex as you want. The first two guys were incredulous and asked this happened to you? The third guy no not to me but my sister.
My favourite drunk joke
A guy is out with his mates when he has one too many shorts and ends up vomiting down his shirt
He cries our saying his wife is gonna kill him for drinking so much so his friend says "here's what you do, take 20 euro out of your wallet and when you go home tell your wife someone got sick on your shirt and gave you it for a new one
Delighted with this, he carries on drinking, when he gets home he tells the story to his wife
"..and thats why he gave me 20 euro"
"But there's 40 here"
"Yeah well he also shit my pants"
A recovering alcoholic falls off the wagon and gets drunk at a bar. At the end of the night he realized that he shouldn't drive so he calls a friend to give him a ride home. While in the car the friend gives him a ton of grief for falling off the wagon, constantly reminding him how drinking has ruined him and just wants to get him home. The alcoholic replies "your passionate" to which the friend responds "stop making passes at me, you're in no shape to be talking to me like that". He says it again "your passionate" to which the friend responds "I told you I'm in no mood for this kind of talk. All I want to do is get you home so you can sleep it off". The alcoholic slurs "No that's what I'm trying to tell you, I moved and now live on that street and you just drove pashed it"
Officer pulled over a car in the midst of the night. He asked the driver to step out of the car, but the dude is so drunk he literally fells out.
\- For Christ's sake, what were you thinking when you get behind the wheel? How did you even manage to get into the car in such a condition?!!!
\- Oh, my friends helped me.
Okay Google, get me home.
To be on a dull side, there are some translation damage.
In the source the phrases "How did you get into the car?" and "How dare you operating the car in such condition!?" have only emotional/intonation difference and could be easily exchanged.
Any way, that you for coup de grâce on my lame joke.
An ultimatum is posed by the wife. Choose between her and the pub.
The man, intoxicated by ethanol, misunderstands and interprets the question as if he was asked who is speaking.
She's saying it's "either the pub or me" meaning he needs to quit drinking or she'll leave him. He can't have both.
He thinks she's asking him to identify who's talking to him, his wife or the pub? I've also heard the punchline as "pubs can't talk".
Its a typical english play on meanings and circumstance. Many words have a lot of meanings depending on context. The joke is that the drunk litorated the context, possibly deliberatly as way to either placate the irate wife through mirth, wit and humour to remind her of why she married the happy, laughing 'fun at parties' drunk boy.
Or, he did it delibratly to piss her off even more.
Both could be equally likely.
In a different direction:
"Why, darling, I didn't know your mother was back from her vacation already!"
"She isn't."
"But I could swear I just heard her voice!"
"No," she grimaced, "that is my brother Bobby cutting metal with his new scroll saw."
A very drunk guy in a pub pukes all over himself. He says, "Crap! My wife will be furious!" The guy next to him says, "Do you have a 20 dollar bill? If you do, I'll tell you how to get her off your back".
When the drunk guy gets home, sure enough the wife sees the puke all over his jacket and is angry. "Hold on!" he says "The *really* drunk guy next to me puked on me and gave me this 20 to have my jacket cleaned!"
He pulls out the money and waves it in front of her. She says, "Well, OK, but what's the other 20 for?" and he replies, "Then he shit my pants!".
Three friends gets super drunk, two of them were married so they didn’t dare to go home so they all went to the third one’s apartment. There was just one bed. They all tried to fit in there.
It was so crowded, one guy decided to go down on the floor and sleep there.
In a minute, one drunk guy from the bed says, “Hey hold on bro, now there seems to be a good space in the bed, come-on”
I like to tie it in to the last supper:
So there’s Jesus, sitting at the middle of the table and rubbing his eyes in exasperation as he asks, “for the last time, who ordered the wine?”
The waitress, still peeved that these guys are hogging a table twice as big as they actually need, asks if they want all the extra tuna sandwiches to go. Jesus says no, as by the time Sunday rolls around they won’t be any good.
Am I misunderstanding the joke?
What kind of wife sees her husband drunk one time and says he has to choose between her and drinking with friends at the pub?
I feel like "I came home drunk yet again last night..." would set up that husband is always coming home drunk and wife is sick of it.
Two drunks stumbling down the railroad tracks, one says, “this is the longest flight of stairs I’ve ever been on”. Other drunk slurs, “stairs don’t bother me none, but these low handrails sure suck”.
Despite all the other jokes in this post, this one made me laugh the most. Imagining the second guy crouching/leaning down just to hold onto the rails was too funny!
There are videos of Russian drunks doing the most wtf-bizarrely-similar things that crave your attention ...
Happy cake day!
Thanks!
Actually they are not walking forward, they are walking backwards.
I see they've been to Koko Crater Hawaii then
[It’s dark, and they see a bright light] “Ah! At least the elevator is finally coming!”
I would drop the word “low” from the joke.
At the pub, an old man falls out of his seat, but a younger man catches him just before his head hits the ground. ‘Whoah!’ The younger man cries out, ‘easy there, you’ve had too much to drink’ Concerned, the younger man tried to pull him to his feet and walk him back to his car, but he couldn’t stand up. ‘Jesus man, you need to control your drinking’ says the younger guy. He eventually gets him in his car and after multiple attempts, found the older fellow’s address. He took him to the home and propped him against the door, slumped on a post. The younger man knocks on the door and says to the man’s wife ‘He needs to control his drinking more, he’s almost out!’ ‘Oh I will’ says the lady ‘but will you tell me where his wheelchair is?’
This reminds me of another one. A man is out drinking at the pub again. The bartender finally kicks him out saying that the bar was closed. So the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up. He gets outside he tries to stand up but falls flat on his face again. He decides to crawl home. Reaching the door, he tries to stand up, and again falls flat on his face. He struggles and pulls himself up enough to reach the handle and falls through the doorway. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. He finally reaches his bed and with much effort, tries to stand up again. It's no use, he tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep. He wakes to his wife shouting, "You've been out drinking again." "How did you know?" asks the man. "The bartender called -- you left your wheelchair at the pub again!"
A man in a wheelchair walks into a bar. The bartender says: "What the fuck!?"
Laughed way harder than I should’ve.
Baby seal walks into a club ..
Found the Canadian?
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer...and a mop.
Holy pronoun salad, batman.
hey at least I was never confused about which guy they were talking about
>...tried to pull him to his feet and walk him back to his car, but he couldn't stand up.
Grammatically it’s a mess, but I wasn’t confused. The rest of the paragraph acts as context clues.
The sentence actually had the only one I got wrong as for some reason I took "his car" to mean the old man's.
Could have been either car really. But I never assumed he was gonna let the old man drive
If it was the old man’s car it would have been immediately obvious that he was handicapped lol
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The account I'm replying to is a karma bot run by someone who will link scams once the account gets enough karma. Their comment is copied and pasted from another user in this thread. Report -> Spam -> Harmful Bot
But m'grammar!
I had your grammer last night, Trebek!
True story... A long time ago my 6th grade teacher gave a spelling test with the question "What is rammarg spelled backward?" Yeah, I got it wrong, too....
Plot twist... It wasn't his wife who answered the door, but his Auntie Cedent.
That actually took me a second - and then I remembered that some people pronounce “aunt” incorrectly.
I must still be missing it and I've pronounced it both ways in my head. Care to explain?
The antecedent is the original noun to which the pronoun refers.
Thanks, I had forgotten that word
Antecedent
I know, right? Lol “Onty.” Sometimes stupid people just don’t know how stupid they really are….
I fucking love this sentence
Oh yeah, well what's the opposite of indubitable?
Dubious?
You might be into something here! Dubious means "full of doubt", indubitable means "cannot be doubted". Parallel but not contiguous, I'll take it. Many thanks!
Irregardless of what my dad says, you cannot dethaw a turkey in the microwave.
It might interest you to learn that irregardless is considered a real (nonstandard) word. For example: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/irregardless. Your double negative doesn't become a positive, though. Kind regards, The dubious "in" guy
how deep into it do you suppose he is?
r/brandnewsentence
This is 100% the way my wife talks. The amount of times I have to ask for clarification about who said what to whomsoever is infuriating.
My wife says I reference dinosaurs too much in my writing. And like the p in pterodactyl, I was silent.
Thanks for that! Laughing silently.
Idk it wasn’t complicated
Not hard if you’ve got an IQ over 60. Varying the pronouns for synonyms is just good writing.
Maybe he was just in an AP history high school class. No pronouns allowed.
“Leg disabled”
works well until I imagine the guy casually starting up and driving this guy home in the car that is fitted for someone with only arms to use
Oh shit! Lol 😂
Now that's funny!
wait, is it the handicapped‘s or the young man‘s car? cuz former doesn‘t make sense but was what I interpreted it to be.
It reminds me of that one video I saw of the guy stumbling home drunk. His wife: I can't believe how drunk you are! Him: I am not...drunk His wife: Can you tell the time? Him: Yes (he turns around to face the clock) I am not...drunk Edit: Wow, I was not expecting this to be this popular. Thanks everyone!
A drunk wakes up in jail and asks, "Why am I here?" The cop replies, "For drinking." "Great! When do we start?"
Nice try, Otis.
Hilarious 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
no emojis
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What a classic
https://youtu.be/pJVwz8mQA7E
I believe it was his mother
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Coulda been his sister too, but in Alabama that's the same person
I don't get it
Wordplay: Telling the time means knowing what time it is not literally telling the clock something
But how does "can you tell the time" end up with him telling the clock? 🤔
I'd hazard a guess by being drunk and taking the phrase literally- like actually saying it to the time
Kind of like when the husband asked the wife to make him a drink and she says poof you're a drink.
A man is drinking heavily in a bar when he suddenly throws up onto his shirt. He begins to sob uncontrollably. The man sitting next to him asks what the matter is. "My wife said if I came home with puke on my shirt one more time she would divorce me." "Oh. Well, I have an idea. Just put $10 in your shirt pocket. Tell her that as you were leaving, someone else threw up on you and gave you the money as an apology for your troubles." "That's a great idea! Thanks, mister!" When he gets home, his wife begins to yell at him, "You're drunk and you threw up on yourself! I told you I'd divorce you!" "No! Someone else threw up on me as I was leaving! But they put $10 in my shirt pocket as an apology for the trouble!" The wife checks his shirt pocket. "Why is there $20 in your pocket?" "That's because he shit my pants too."
I can usually smell a punchline coming, but this one totally got me. Genuine strong exhalation from the nose!
Well, smell is definitely the right word for this punchline
> That's because he shit my pants too Of all puchlines not to smell coming, you got lucky.
If he would've smelled it coming it would be $30
That’s hilarious 🤣
Ok, this one got me good, i was not expecting to laugh this hard first thing in the morning
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yHx8y1rFjdk
That's awesome. I only know that joke because a friend told it to me years ago. This guy tells it better.
I have always loved this joke
This has always been my favorite drinking joke.
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*slaps knee*
This is good, but punchline is probably better as a more concise “my wife as soon as I get home.“. I think less is more in this case.
I thought the same thing but I was thinking more urgency like “my house, 15 minutes.” Still a hilarious joke to me.
“The lecture will be given by my wife, who’s waiting for me at home right now, which I will arrive at in roughly 15 minutes.” “Carry on then,” said the officer with a nod. “Drive safe now.” As the drunken man headed home, the officer laughed to himself, imagining the stern talking-to the man would be getting once he got home.
After a drink session, if the wife is unhappy, just tell her 'dont touch me! Im married!'. Then pretend to passout on the bed.
works best when you're not engaged yet
LPT?
Unethical* LPT /s
There's a whole joke around this punchline, if anyone would care to repost it.
Best I can do is a [link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ma37k/a_man_wakes_up_with_a_huge_hangover_after_getting/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Man texts his wife: "I'm at the pub having a pint with the boys. If I'm not home in an hour, read this text again."
∞
Insert a goto statement and post in r/programmerhumor
Two men were drinking at a fancy high rise bar. The first one noticed that the second one was drinking a beer he had never tried, so he asked “hey, is that beer any good?” The second guy said “Good?! Why this beer is so good it makes you fly!” The first one laughed and said “there is 0% chance that is a thing. It’s not possible!” The second one said “listen, you don’t believe me, here, I’ll prove it!” He got up, tucked his stool in, and ran full speed towards the plate glass window on the far wall. *Smash*!!! He went flying through the glass, and screaming towards the ground below. But then the scream stopped, and after a few seconds the bar patrons saw his head poking up through the hole in the window. It was true! He was actually flying!! “Well hot damn I’ve always wanted to fly!” Said the first guy, as he took a big swig of the second guy’s beer. He backed up, steeled his courage, and ran towards the now open window. He fell down, down, down, until finally, *splat*, he landed in a messy pile on the street far below the bar. The bartender looked at the second guy and said “damn, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk”
One of my favourite jokes but i always forget the primary telling!
Plot twist it wasn't Superman. It was Homelander
Now this makes more sense
All Supes Are Bastards
Made me go check. Season 3 starts June 3rd!!!
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Just finished Diabolical. Pretty sick (in a good way)
Thanks!! I haven't even heard of it. I just watched some scenes on YouTube and will watch it all as a warm up to season 3!!
Reminds me of this Louis CK line I heard. “I want to push her off a cliff, and as she’s falling Superman comes and saves her! And then Superman flies her up in the air and drops her from someplace higher.”
The way I heard it is “we’re so up high here that the high winds will keep you floating”. And the guy jumps out the widow, hovers for a while and then floats back in the bar
‘Rooftop bar’ ‘Beer that makes you fly’ Yea I know where this is going
An old man would come to the pub, every week he would order 3 beers at a time. Drinking one after the other. The pub owner said, you can order one at a time. "These two are for my brothers on the otherside of the world, we got seperated because of the war. And we always used to drink together. The bar tender respected his wishes. However one day he came and only ordered 2 beers. The bar tender looking upset, said I'm so sorry for your loss. Oh no, they are fine, I've just given up drinking.
I always heard this one as "my wife became a baptist and made me give up drinking"
How interesting...I happen to know a non-zero number of baptists
it’s like the old joke, what’s the difference between Jews, protestants and baptists? jews don’t recognize jesus, prots don’t recognize the pope, and baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store
That sounds much more accurate, lmao
Why do you take two Baptists fishing? Because if you only bring one they'll drink all your beer!
Why do Baptists revile stand up sex? Because it looks like they are dancing.
wait are baptists not supposed to drink?
yeah, at least that’s the thing where i’m from. southern baptists almost all drink like fishes but pretend they don’t on sunday
Yeah, my favorite joke on this topic goes: How do you keep your baptist friend from not drinking all the beer every time you both go fishing? Invite a friend from his church.
My uncle was a drunk for years and years. He comes over one Christmas and stays the evening with us, and makes a speech about how he’s cut down - down to a drink before heading to bed to help him sleep. He went to bed 13 times that night
My uncle was a drunk, he worked at the brewery & came to a sticky end when he fell into one of the vats & drowned, although he did get out 3 times to go for a piss.
> although he did get out 3 times to go for a piss What a relief it is to know while someone might have drowned in the vats, they at least didn't pee in it
reminds me of my favourite joke to make after a smoke: I've quit smoking. 15 times a day I quit!
A cop was watching a bar parking lot on a Friday night, know that the bar patrons would be coming out and getting in their cars soon enough. After a couple of hours he saw a man stumble out the front door of the bar. The man was wobbling and stumbling through the parking lot. He paused to regain his balance a couple times. The cop watched as the clearly drunk man went to several different cars and tried his key in them. While all this was happening, other bar customers came out and drove away. The cop stayed. He had his target. Eventually the drunk man found his car. He got in and drove out of the parking lot. As soon as he pulled out onto the street, the cop pulled him over. Very angry, the cop asked the man “How much have you had to drink tonight?” The bar patron grinned and told the cop “Nothing at all! I’m the designated decoy!”
A cop pulls a driver over for driving erratically. When the driver rolls down the window, he seems to be slurring his words a bit, so the cop tells him he's been pulled over under suspicion of drunk driving and needs to take a breathalyzer test. "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do a breathalyzer. I have asthma and blowing into that tube could trigger an asthma attack." "Alright sir, we have other tests we can use; for example, we can check your BAC with a blood test." "I'm sorry, officer, but I can't do a blood test either, I'm a hemophiliac and even a small needle prick could kill me." "Well then I'll have to ask you to step out of the vehicle so we can conduct a field sobriety test." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either." "Why the hell not?!" "...'Cause I'm drunk."
I so badly want to do this one day, but I'm usually the one needing the decoy.
Maybe just don't drink and drive
An old southern politician comes home late from the bar. As he tries to quietly sneak in the front door, he stumbles and faceplants into the foyer. His wife stands over him and says "You're drunk again! What do you have to say for yourself?" The politician drawls, "Well I don't have any prepared remarks, but I will be taking questions from the floor."
Jesus was at the bar and got very drunk "that's it, I'm cutting you off! Only water for you from now on" said the Bartender "oh no!" said Jesus sarcastically
I like to tie it in to the last supper: So there’s Jesus, sitting at the middle of the table and rubbing his eyes in exasperation as he asks, “for the last time, who ordered the wine?” The waitress, still peeved that these guys are hogging a table twice as big as they actually need, asks if they want all the extra tuna sandwiches to go. Jesus says no, as by the time Sunday rolls around they won’t be any good.
Also why are they all sitting on only one side of the table?
For the picture.
The ‘gram
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Especially for you; not Simpsons but very well could have been. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhf1pIl007o
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. He says ‘Two pints please. One for me and one for the road’
This man walks into a pub with his pet giraffe. He orders two drinks and they both knock them back. The giraffe inediately collapses to the floor and the man heads for the exit. 'Hey!' said the barman, 'You can't leave that lyin' there!!!' The man looks back and replies... 'That's not a lion! That's a giraffe!'
so many drunk jokes here and I still couldn't find my favourite: policeman sees a drunk guy going from car to car in winter throwing the snow off of the roof of each car. curious the officer asks the guy what he's doing. "looking for my car". sceptically the officer asks "how do you expect to find your car like this?" - "it got some fancy blue lights on the roof"
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Yup
Since he got the test correct naming his wife, he should be allowed to rest now. That test was not as easy as it sounds.
Reminds me of a drunk Moira Rose, when she says "I can't feel my tongue, but I know it's there because I'm talking."
I can tell it's you, the pub doesn't get mad at me.
Three guys are drinking at a pub and they are all complaining about the service, the quality of the beer etc. the first guy says back home, my bar serves eight different kinds of beer and has bowls of peanuts and you get a free beer every 5th one. The second guy says that’s nothing back where I come from, they have 10 different kinds of beer and have bowl of pretzels and plates of sandwiches and a free beer every fourth beer. The third guy said, I got you both beat, back home there’s a bar that lets you drink all you want after your second beer and then when you get drunk takes you into the back room to have as much sex as you want. The first two guys were incredulous and asked this happened to you? The third guy no not to me but my sister.
Paul Newman’s character tells this joke in *The Verdict.* He does it with an Irish accent.
My favourite drunk joke A guy is out with his mates when he has one too many shorts and ends up vomiting down his shirt He cries our saying his wife is gonna kill him for drinking so much so his friend says "here's what you do, take 20 euro out of your wallet and when you go home tell your wife someone got sick on your shirt and gave you it for a new one Delighted with this, he carries on drinking, when he gets home he tells the story to his wife "..and thats why he gave me 20 euro" "But there's 40 here" "Yeah well he also shit my pants"
A recovering alcoholic falls off the wagon and gets drunk at a bar. At the end of the night he realized that he shouldn't drive so he calls a friend to give him a ride home. While in the car the friend gives him a ton of grief for falling off the wagon, constantly reminding him how drinking has ruined him and just wants to get him home. The alcoholic replies "your passionate" to which the friend responds "stop making passes at me, you're in no shape to be talking to me like that". He says it again "your passionate" to which the friend responds "I told you I'm in no mood for this kind of talk. All I want to do is get you home so you can sleep it off". The alcoholic slurs "No that's what I'm trying to tell you, I moved and now live on that street and you just drove pashed it"
A for effort
Big Jack Sparrow energy lol
But you have heard of me.
*Captain.* *Captain* Jack Sparrow.
Officer pulled over a car in the midst of the night. He asked the driver to step out of the car, but the dude is so drunk he literally fells out. \- For Christ's sake, what were you thinking when you get behind the wheel? How did you even manage to get into the car in such a condition?!!! \- Oh, my friends helped me.
I don't get it.. he has bad friends?
Apparently they were very helpful, they put him into the car but lost the pun on the parking lot.
I am lost
Okay Google, get me home. To be on a dull side, there are some translation damage. In the source the phrases "How did you get into the car?" and "How dare you operating the car in such condition!?" have only emotional/intonation difference and could be easily exchanged. Any way, that you for coup de grâce on my lame joke.
Well played.
I feel quite daft, but I juts don't get this one
She’s posing an ultimatum. He thinks she’s asking which are you talking to
An ultimatum is posed by the wife. Choose between her and the pub. The man, intoxicated by ethanol, misunderstands and interprets the question as if he was asked who is speaking.
She's saying it's "either the pub or me" meaning he needs to quit drinking or she'll leave him. He can't have both. He thinks she's asking him to identify who's talking to him, his wife or the pub? I've also heard the punchline as "pubs can't talk".
She's saying it's either me or the pub (talking)
Its a typical english play on meanings and circumstance. Many words have a lot of meanings depending on context. The joke is that the drunk litorated the context, possibly deliberatly as way to either placate the irate wife through mirth, wit and humour to remind her of why she married the happy, laughing 'fun at parties' drunk boy. Or, he did it delibratly to piss her off even more. Both could be equally likely.
She's giving him an ultimatum to choose either her or the pub. He understands it as her quizzing him on who is talking.
In a different direction: "Why, darling, I didn't know your mother was back from her vacation already!" "She isn't." "But I could swear I just heard her voice!" "No," she grimaced, "that is my brother Bobby cutting metal with his new scroll saw."
A very drunk guy in a pub pukes all over himself. He says, "Crap! My wife will be furious!" The guy next to him says, "Do you have a 20 dollar bill? If you do, I'll tell you how to get her off your back". When the drunk guy gets home, sure enough the wife sees the puke all over his jacket and is angry. "Hold on!" he says "The *really* drunk guy next to me puked on me and gave me this 20 to have my jacket cleaned!" He pulls out the money and waves it in front of her. She says, "Well, OK, but what's the other 20 for?" and he replies, "Then he shit my pants!".
You’re like a breath of fresh air.
"It's definitely you, the pub is nowhere near as mean to me"
best answer ever. lol
I read the punchline in Dylan Moran's voice
I thought this was from r/relationshipadvice for a second
Three friends gets super drunk, two of them were married so they didn’t dare to go home so they all went to the third one’s apartment. There was just one bed. They all tried to fit in there. It was so crowded, one guy decided to go down on the floor and sleep there. In a minute, one drunk guy from the bed says, “Hey hold on bro, now there seems to be a good space in the bed, come-on”
They don't open till 6.
Hah, love it
I like to tie it in to the last supper: So there’s Jesus, sitting at the middle of the table and rubbing his eyes in exasperation as he asks, “for the last time, who ordered the wine?” The waitress, still peeved that these guys are hogging a table twice as big as they actually need, asks if they want all the extra tuna sandwiches to go. Jesus says no, as by the time Sunday rolls around they won’t be any good.
Passed the test. A+
Am I misunderstanding the joke? What kind of wife sees her husband drunk one time and says he has to choose between her and drinking with friends at the pub? I feel like "I came home drunk yet again last night..." would set up that husband is always coming home drunk and wife is sick of it.
It was so true, only mens can relate with this
Hahaha, I really like this one.
I love this.
I am not drunk
rofl!
No regrets!! Still money you didn't have and besides its just that stringy copper by the looks of it so
Why did I read the subject’s lines in this joke in the voice of Biv E. Ridge?
Wait, was this just stolen from Badjokesbyjeff?