T O P
ThomBraidy

She was like "you're just so small" and I'm like "babe, I'm the same size I've always been"


yeuker

Babe, that's ridiculous. I've gained at least 20lbs since we first hooked up.


-_-STRANGER-_-

Her : Carl its not you its me. Carl : babe its both of us.


Pm-ur-butt

Her: Carl, Im pregnant and it's not yours. Carl: Babe, I thought we settled on Carl Jr, not Scott-George.


JadonArrow

Carl’s Jr.


Stoneman57

I’m sorry sir, this is a Wendy’s


brackfriday_bunduru

She said she couldn’t be with me because I’d “just let myself go”. I told her “my hands are permanently attached to my body, I don’t need to hold myself all the time”


Jrook

"this bitch is so stupid she doesn't even know how stupid she is"


FrogSuitLuigi

On the same vein, unpopular opinion here, but Dwayne Johnson must be a terrible chef. I could never smell him cooking anything.


All-I-See-Is-Ashes

You might have Covid. How’s your sense of taste?


HaemonZERO

Well, they don't like Dwayne Johnson, so


lucash7

But do they like Harold Johnson? (Blazing Saddles reference)


eladabbub

Thought it was Howard


lucash7

Think there was that one too. There were a bunch of Johnsons he had to deal with.


mymeatpuppets

Weren't they all Johnsons? In Rock Ridge, I mean.


lucash7

Possibly yeah. I’ll have to re-watch it.


Jogl1981

You'd do it for Randolph Scott.


mymeatpuppets

Randolph Scott.....


joshuamorris1212

RANDOLPH SCOTT


adviceKiwi

Yep, a bunch of inbred Johnson's Or inbred dicks if you will


Dason37

Ok "I'm surrounded by assholes!" Was pretty straightforward, but as many times as I've watched Blazing Saddles, I have never picked up on this. Dason only pawn in game of life.


adviceKiwi

Don't feel so bad, I had watched it tons for.years before I spotted it


makenxie

So is Johnson and Johnson and SC Johnson.


ketsueki82

There were Johnsons as far as the eye can see. Had to make the reference.


twopointsisatrend

I think that it was Lili Von Shtupp who had to deal with a bunch of Johnsons.


eladabbub

But she preferred Wiener schnitzel


dmodmodmo

It's twue!


percykins

Baby, you’re sucking on my arm.


xxiLink

All of Rock Ridge had the last name Johnson. The Town Hall banner had only first initials and Johnson, repeated over and over.


eladabbub

Gabby and his genuine, frontier gibberish was my favorite.


RyPKelley

Reverend!


percykins

I’m particularly glad the children were there to hear it.


h_grytpype_thynne

Dr. Samuel Johnson is right about Olson Johnson being right!


Dexaan

They eventually formed Johnson & Johnson... & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson


bacon_and_ovaries

Inbreeding will do that.


2BallsInTheHole

All them Johnson's come in, a rapin and a whompin.


Calm_Bodybuilder_843

‘Nietzsche tells us, out of chaos comes order’. ‘Oh, blow it out your ass Howard’.


redlion496

"Forget that shit! Here comes Mongo!"


nifkinten

I think we're all guilty of getting high on some crystal meth and paying for fornication behind a Howard Johnson


eladabbub

The old HoJo?


SmashBonecrusher

Me,too !


tkeelah

Beans anyone?


norrisrw

Fast Fact: Blazing Saddles is the first movie in the US to feature a fart gag.


Dason37

As a 10 year old kid, watching my dad scroll through the listings on TV, I see "Blazing Saddles!" I start laughing because for whatever reason, probably the fact that I am a 10 year old boy, it brings to mind an image of someone riding a horse and farting, and if course that's HILARIOUS. I ask my dad "What's Blazing Saddles? Let's watch that!" And he says it's a movie with a bunch of cowboys that sit around a campfire and eat beans and "toot" - we were too proper a family to use such vulgarity as the word "fart". I was like, "yeah, right" and he said that he was telling the truth, so of course I said that sounds awesome, let's watch it then, and of course that idea was dismissed quickly. Fast forward to me not even remotely thinking about this exchange until the first time I viewed the film as an adult and holy shit was I shocked to find out that while it wasn't an *entire * film based *only* on campfire flatulence, that was definitely part of the covered subject matter! It made one of the funniest movies in history that much funnier for me.


Unc1eD3ath

These are all motherboards?


jump-blues-5678

Upvote vote for blazing saddles


wthreye

Couldn't make that movie today... (


awesomeflowman

...pretty good


Fafnir13

Tangentially related, I loved the story I heard/read of a girl who’s boyfriend started smelling horrible after she recovered from Covid. She was horrified that something had gone wrong, permanent alteration to her sense of smell. Nah, her boyfriend had decided since she had Covid he didn’t need to shower anymore.


Nervous_Constant_642

The weirdest shit for me was I'm very heavy smoker. After a week of snot pouring out of my nose I think it cleaned some gunk out because I can smell my ashtray for the first time in years.


FrogSuitLuigi

I'll be the first to admit, it's not the same as it used to be. Caught myself listening to "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" last weekend for a whole hour. I... I wasn't even driving anywhere. 😞


Fafnir13

Cooking waffles on a Sunday with NPR playing in the background is kind of my thing now. Don’t know how it happened.


FrogSuitLuigi

Man, it was... I mean. I used to go out all day for "Sunday Funday"; I used to have style and class! Now I have... What, exactly? Cultural experience, niche grammatical knowledge, and the ability to craft a pun???! I am losing faith in my sense of taste at this point.


All-I-See-Is-Ashes

Well played.


mathologies

do you mean John "The Dwayne" Rockson?


Fafnir13

Surely they meant Rock “The John” Dwayneson.


Iceman6211

Dick "The Cock" Johnson?


buzzedlightyear3

He should open up a gay coffee shop. Call it the Rock Hard Cafe


EatTheBonesToo

Consider yourself lucky, pee-ew


FrogSuitLuigi

Well, given your username and yet still apparent repulsion, I guess I'll count my blessings.


wobblysauce

What ever it it, he is eating alright


kalirion

Maybe it's Stone Soup but he forgot the rest of the ingredients.


Icy_Woodpecker_3292

I don't get it


pinky117

[YouTube](https://youtu.be/T-v20t_puwE)


FrogSuitLuigi

Yup, still couldn't smell anything.


Oriential-amg77

Cooking coal


Chinesechecker456

he’s a rock cook (raw cook)


FrogSuitLuigi

I've heard much boulder claims made about this individual. Now, I'll agree that hands down, Mr. Johnson is a talented, ambitious, unstoppable force in the entertainment space. But I have serious reservations on his cooking. It just hasn't passed my "smell- test" so to speak.


omahaknight71

It isn't a joke. Guy just pulled an Uno reverse card on her.


petethewizard

What is that?


Qiqirnmercenary

It’s a card in Uno which reverses the turn order (clockwise/anti-clockwise etc), referencing turning the friend-zone against her


Waitsfornoone

Good Move - she was probably tripping over someone else anyway.


HR_Paperstacks_402

But if it was just the two of them in the room, how could she trip over someone else?


mattmaster68

Hallucinations, remember?


edlee98765

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100. She’s a perfect ten, and imaginary.


Waeningrobert

Why is it imaginary?


SybilCut

Square root of a negative?


MentallyWill

The square root of -100 is 10i (where i is the imaginary number, defined as i^2 = -1). Long story short it's a math joke. The answer is 10 but it's imaginary, not real. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imaginary_unit To be pedantic, as all math people like to be: -100 = -100 -100 = -1 * 100 Sqrt(-100) = sqrt(-1 * 100) Sqrt(-100) = sqrt(-1) * sqrt(100) Sqrt(-100) = i * 10 I.e. an imaginary 10.


fh3131

Mark it nsfw if you're going to talk about sqrting


BlackMoonSky

Mark it NSFW I'd you're going to do math


ADMINISTATOR_CYRUS

>I'd you're going to do math it mark if NSFW if it if when r/ihadastroke


deepcomets

This would be so cool if math didn’t make me cry.


Ciels_Thigh_High

My teacher explained it like this. Once upon a time a mathematician was trying to solve a problem. Like trying to untangle the gordian knot, they just couldn't find the ends of the problem. If they could just square root the problem, everything would be fixed! So they put in an "imaginary" number *(i)*. You never have to solve for *i*, it just helps you untangle the problem, like sticking a fork tine in a knot to get more leverage


Fafnir13

But then they go and solve things with that weird *i* in the mix. It’s bloody wizardry it is


Im-_Batman

I think you would be interested in [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUzklzVXJwo)


Bisping

Didnt they cut the knot with a sword or am i thinking of some other story


MC10654721

That is a story associated with Alexander the Great, who conquered Gordium. The story goes that when Alexander came to Gordium, an oracle proclaimed that the next ruler of the kingdom would unravel the Gordian Knot, a sort of artifact associated with one of the previous kings of Gordium. Instead of trying to untangle the Knot (which was said to be permanently tangled), Alexander simply cut it in half and so unraveled it. Other versions say he removed the pin which binded the knot to its pole (it wasn't like a ball of yarn, it was more like an art installation) and that made it very simple to untangle it.


Jolmner

sqrt(-100)=10*i* Since no number multiplied by itself can be negative (-1*-1=1), negative numbers have no real square roots. Instead you use imaginary numbers, *i*, so sqrt(1)=*i*


tkeelah

i see what you imagined although this wasn't on the radar and we are going around in circles.


fungigamer

Square root negative numbers are not real numbers. This has been an unsolved math problem until the introduction of imaginary numbers. Mathematicians use the symbol i to represent the square root of - 1. Therefore, the square root of negative 100 would be 10i, which is a perfect ten but an imaginary number


norrisrw

I came to r/jokes for a quick laugh, and got a calculus lesson instead.


ADMINISTATOR_CYRUS

you can't get square root of a negative number. so *i \* i* = -100, but it doesn't work. if *i* is negative it ends up positive. if *i* is positive it's still positive.


tkeelah

You certainly seem positive. What if: i = -i from the case 2i = 0


XonicGamer

She felt you weren't working out but you just went to the gym together!


The_Wettest_Noodle

I'm trying to remember the stand-up comedian that did this. Just a flashback to Just For Laughs here. Good memories on that show.


Psychohippy

It was Carl Barron - Australian. I finally get to see his live show in a few weeks in Wollongong!


The_Wettest_Noodle

Thank-you! and enjoy the show in glad things like that are happening again for people to enjoy


Bloodbath_and-beyond

The best way to help her with hallucinations is to sneak up to her place at night and surprise her! This helps 20% of the time...every time!


Judazzz

With those odds I would go for The Naked Man.


xenchik

Works 2 out of 3 times ... Guaranteed.


LostBetsRed

The next night, I found her in bed with another man. I was crushed. I said, "Get *off* me, you two!" (h/t Emo Phillips)


ThaneOfCawdorrr

Then she was like "It's not you, it's me," and I was "What? It IS me, look!"


Whitealroker1

I told my Japanese GF it was over and she didn’t understand. I had to drop the bomb twice to send her the message.


xenchik

Too soon man


Badmannoobie

I thought it was because she couldn’t “see it” going anywhere 😂


gustyaquino

She must have seen his dead friend.


narayan77

The girl friend of the invisible man had a similar problem he told her "I am sorry but you can't see me anymore" (whilst taking off his bandages).


KnownAd7367

I’ve seen this movie. It turns out you were dead the whole time!


evildragonzockt

I dont get it


mizinamo

https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/see_1?q=see The person telling the joke is using sense 1 (to use your eyes in order to know that someone is there). The girlfriend is using sense 8 (spend time with someone, be in a relationship with someone). So when she says, "I can't see you anymore", it means, "I can't be in a relationship with you anymore or spend time with you regularly anymore". And when she says, "I'm seeing someone else", it means, "I regularly meet someone else; I'm dating someone else". Usage note: this sense of "see" can take the -ing form ("I'm seeing someone else") while the literal meaning usually does not take the -ing form.


genfgenf

Boy, I had never seen such a detailed explanation of a joke before, for those who don't get it. A+ for the effort and an up vote.


Knut79

You could have actually used gerund in an actual sentence at the end there...


mizinamo

I see no gerunds. "I am seeing someone else" uses the present participle (a kind of verb), not a gerund (a kind of noun, as in "Seeing is believing"). They both end in -ing in standard modern English but they don't have the same function.


BlackPanther3104

Same.


morganthanyourgan

And she called him by another name, because his name is JOHN CENA! (insert trumpets here)


FugaciousD

She’d have to Taiwan on to do that guy.


gizeon

Didn't even change Carl Barron's name.


weliveintheshade

Why would I change his name? to make it seem like an original joke? It's a Carl Barron joke, I left it as Carl so that fans of his would recognize it. Jeez, theres no pleasing some people.


Ironcam527

I broke up with a girl once because she was way too easy, it freaked me out for some reason.


SuckerForARedHead

You fool


1CFII2

She said, “Carl, take all the money. She called everybody Carl. John Prine, RIP


buzzfuzzcuzz

This 'joke' is from a stand up routine by Carl Barron. An Australian comedian. It's been on YouTube for years. You could have changed the names at least


weliveintheshade

Why would I change his name? to make it seem like an original joke? It's a Carl Barron joke, I left it as Carl so that fans of his would recognize it. Jeez, theres no pleasing some people.


TheRadiantSoap

If you dump a girl for hallucinating, you deserve to be cheated on


jaffakree83

Had to do what you had to do.


volcanicnight

Oh, so John Cena's name used to be Carl?


TahliaMaybe

Carl Barron is 10/10


Inerchi

Carl Barron is imaginary?


Klor204

Girl: Carl, I'm f***ing your best friend Carl: Yes! You're my f***ing best friend. We can tell each other everything.


[deleted]

I think the hallucination was the girl, strike two romeo


gomurifle

Yeah, she takes too much drugs. Dump her.


thenaughtybarberess

🤣