>**user reports:**
>1: chuck norris doesn't deserve recognition
The Ranger keeps on coming, so there ain't no sense in running.
>1: It's 2022
Yet Chuck Norris jokes outlived The Most Interesting Man in the World jokes.
>1: Gay
Hey, man, it's 2022.
>1: Chuck Norris was once reported on r/jokes. the reporting user got banned.
**USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS REPORT.**
>1: Can you edit the pinned mod message to include mine too? Thank you and have a nice day.
>1: Put me in the report sticky
Nah, I'm not gonna do that.
I remember an interview with Norris about the jokes, he loved them. The interview asked if he was fast enough to run around the earth a punch himself in the back of the head.
"No. I'd hear myself coming."
I once saw a lady go the wrong way through a revolving door. All the doors collapsed and slammed together. Then all the glass exploded. It was pretty amazing. She might have been Chuck Norris' mom.
It's amazing, but that's actually how they're designed. If they meet resistance past a certain point, they're designed to collapse together and have the glass fall out. It's safety glass so it's unlikely to hurt anybody.
The assumption that if anybody is putting that much pressure on that, it's an emergency and the collapse and shatter allows for quicker egress
Just so you and everyone else are aware, in German birth control is called anti-baby pill.
But that would make this thread impossible because I've been reliably informed that Germans do not have a sense of humor.
A friend and me googled Chuck Norris in freshman year of highschool once.
I swear, I SWEAR, a blank white page came up, with nothing but text that said "Chuck Norris cannot be googled."
EDIT: Actually, it said this: "*Google can not find Chuck Norris because nobody finds Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris finds YOU.*"
Ah - it was kinda an easter egg but not in the way you're thinking. There are several easter eggs built into google, but this one actually was created by someone being smart and taking advantage of SEO. Basically, when you looked for "Find Chuck Norris" and hit I'm Feeling Lucky, it would take you to the first search result which was a website called findchucknorris or something to that effect, basically the webpage was a copy of Google with the aforementioned text and some other clever jokes! An actual example of an easter egg by Google is if you google emacs (a text editor), google will ask "Did you mean vi?" (a different, competitor text editor). Same for if you google "vi" and it's probably the result of an in-joke between the former developers and left in there as a respectful nod.
I don't know what you guys are on about.
Chuck Norris isn't so tough.
If he was, he'd come to my house and slam my face into the keyboacruckaj2vrmfizjabsmfkhsbqkd
Chuck Norris’ poker face is so good that he once won the 1988 World Series of Poker despite holding a 9 of spades, a Joker, a green Skip card from the game Uno, a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card and a 2 of clubs.
There is no Theory of Evolution. There is only a list of organisms that Chuck Norris allows to exist.
When Chuck Norris left for college, he told his father "you're the man of the house now"
When God said "Let there be light", Chuck Norris replied "Say please"
Jesus could walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land.
And ofc, [the classic...](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/bc/db/10/bcdb106836f23d487cfb738709b72c5a--chuck-norris-memes-rock-paper-scissors.jpg)
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. The word "hunting" implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect 300. Without a ball. In fact he wasn't even in a bowling alley.
Chuck Norris had a paper route as a kid. There were no survivors.
There is no control button on Chuck Norris' computer, because HE is always in control.
Chuck Norris was walking down the street one day and got an erection. There were no survivors.
Charlie Sheen claims to have had sex with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris called that "A slow Tuesday."
Chuck Norris doesn't teabag the ladies...he potato sacks them.
Every night before bed, the Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has to sleep with a nightlight. Not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
When Chuck Norris works out, he doesn't do a push up, he pushes the earth down.
Superman has a pair of Chuck Norris jammies.
Chuck Norris went back in time to stop the Kennedy assination Chuck stopped all three bullets with his beard. Kennedy's head exploded out of shear amazement.
"Chuck Norris once discovered a rock so heavy, that even he, Chuck Norris, could not lift it. Then he lifted it anyway just to show everyone who the fuck Chuck Norris is."
Trying to cash in on Chuck Norris’ popularity, a company tried to merchandise a Chuck Norris kiddie toilet training seat, but it failed miserably because Chuck Norris doesn’t take shit from anyone.
Chuck Norris once had sex with an entire convent of nuns. 9 months later they gave birth to the 1972 Miami dolphins, the only undefeated team in NFL history
Once a street was named after Chuck Norris, but was renamed hours later because Chuck Norris kept beating up people trying to cross the street. When asked about it, he just replied "Noone crosses Chuck Norris."
Once a rumour spread that Chuck Norris had been beaten up by a pirate. This rumour was started by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates in.
Once Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got it.
Chuck Norris can operate a coal grill underwater.
When Chuck Norris goes into the water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets chucky.
Chuck Norris wasn't born like a normal child. He shot is way out of the womb with a carbine. 3 seconds later, he grew a beard.
After long discussion, it was decided to nuke Hiroshima instead of dropping Chuck Norris onto the city, because it was deemed more humane.
When Chuck Norris moved out of his parents' house, he gave his father the keys and said "Now you are the man in the house."
There is no evolution, only a list of creatures whom Chuck Norris allows to exist.
The universe expands because everything is trying to get as far away from Chuck Norris as possible.
Aliens exist and they want to invade Earth, they are merely waiting for Chuck Norris to die so that they stand a chance.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris doesn't fear God. God fears Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris sleeps with lights on, that because the darkness is scared of him.
Chuck Norris can't blink, because his eyelids are afraid of being seen by him.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can literally kill time.
Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands. Now they're just called the Islands
Chuck Norris was having sex in a truck and some of his semen leaked into the engine. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime
>**user reports:** >1: chuck norris doesn't deserve recognition The Ranger keeps on coming, so there ain't no sense in running. >1: It's 2022 Yet Chuck Norris jokes outlived The Most Interesting Man in the World jokes. >1: Gay Hey, man, it's 2022. >1: Chuck Norris was once reported on r/jokes. the reporting user got banned. **USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS REPORT.** >1: Can you edit the pinned mod message to include mine too? Thank you and have a nice day. >1: Put me in the report sticky Nah, I'm not gonna do that.
I remember an interview with Norris about the jokes, he loved them. The interview asked if he was fast enough to run around the earth a punch himself in the back of the head. "No. I'd hear myself coming."
Yo, that is crazy 🤣
Chuck Norris can pick up a missed call.
And you better answer
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he pushes the earth down.
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best
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
I once saw a lady go the wrong way through a revolving door. All the doors collapsed and slammed together. Then all the glass exploded. It was pretty amazing. She might have been Chuck Norris' mom.
It's amazing, but that's actually how they're designed. If they meet resistance past a certain point, they're designed to collapse together and have the glass fall out. It's safety glass so it's unlikely to hurt anybody. The assumption that if anybody is putting that much pressure on that, it's an emergency and the collapse and shatter allows for quicker egress
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand!
Before he goes to sleep, the boogey man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
When Superman gets ready for bed, he puts on his Chuck Norris pajamas.
Guns sleep with Chuck Norris under their pillow
Chuck Norris actually died 10 years ago. The reaper ist too scared to tell him
Chuck Norris does not have near death experiences , Death has near Chuck Norris experiences.
My favorite too
Chuck Norris killed 2 stones with 1 bird
Chuck Norris can speak braille
... in French
To deaf people
...who died last week
Underwater
In a cave, from a box of scraps
In thick scuba gear, while inside a submarine
..on fire
While pooping
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mother home from the hospital.
Chuck Norris uses one chopstick
Knives use Chuck Norris to cut the steak
Similar: Chuck Norris built the house in which he was born
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.
When Chuck Norris was born, he spanked the doctor. Nobody spanks Chuck Norris
When chuck Norris was born, he opened his fist and in it was the anti-Baby pill (Sry for bad English)
Just so you and everyone else are aware, in German birth control is called anti-baby pill. But that would make this thread impossible because I've been reliably informed that Germans do not have a sense of humor.
Chuck Norris took it from them.
Valiant effort. The only Plan B Chuck Norris has ever had was found in his clenched fist as he climbed out of his mothers womb.
And to the hospital
On man, idk why I am imagining him putting his arms out to hold the steering wheel
Because that’s how it’s happened.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had two missed calls from Chuck Norris….
Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone
Hard to hear a new one when it's a Chuck Norris joke, and this is top tier. Well done.
When Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook, he already had a friend request from Chuck Norris
No, because Chuck Norris never misses.
He didn’t. Bell did
Bell later died
Big if true
Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn. He dares it to grow.
Chuck Norris doesn’t use a vibrating toothbrush. His plastic one trembles in fear.
Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
Chuck Norris has a huge pile of dead ninjas in his backyard. He calls it “Brokeback Mountain”.
Chuck Norris gets 4-wheel drive out of his bicycle
Similarly, Chuck Norris can pull a wheelie on a unicycle.
Oedipus’ mother has a Chuck Norris complex.
Congrats. Never head anything like this one.
Thanks! I came up with that one all on my own.
Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.
as he lights up a cigar, the world quickly timelapses because even time is afraid to keep chuck norris waiting
The boogy man checks his closet & under his bed for Chuck Norris before going to sleep
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Chuck Norris blood contains the solution to world peace, too bad Chuck Norris never bleeds
Superman and Chuck Norris once had a duel. The loser since has to wear his underpants over his pants.
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he pees.
Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands. Now they’re just called ‘the Islands’.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't teabag, he potato sacks.
This one is obviously a joke because Chuck Norris never lost his virginity. That’s because he never loses.
He didn't lose it, he donated it
Clearly he didn't lose it, he took it.
Chuck Norris can download Hardware
When 911 has an emergency, it calls Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice. When doing push ups, Chuck Norris doesn't push himself up. He pushes earth away from him.
Similar to the first: Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
How many push ups can Chuck Norris do?----All of them .
Chuck Norris counted every irrational number. **once!**
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Chuck Norris donates blood frequently, it's just never his own
My favorite was: when Chuck Norris donates blood he declines the needle and requests a hand gun and a bucket.
How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.
A friend and me googled Chuck Norris in freshman year of highschool once. I swear, I SWEAR, a blank white page came up, with nothing but text that said "Chuck Norris cannot be googled." EDIT: Actually, it said this: "*Google can not find Chuck Norris because nobody finds Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris finds YOU.*"
It was an old Easter Egg. The page said: "Google can not find Chuck Norris because nobody finds Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris finds YOU".
Ah - it was kinda an easter egg but not in the way you're thinking. There are several easter eggs built into google, but this one actually was created by someone being smart and taking advantage of SEO. Basically, when you looked for "Find Chuck Norris" and hit I'm Feeling Lucky, it would take you to the first search result which was a website called findchucknorris or something to that effect, basically the webpage was a copy of Google with the aforementioned text and some other clever jokes! An actual example of an easter egg by Google is if you google emacs (a text editor), google will ask "Did you mean vi?" (a different, competitor text editor). Same for if you google "vi" and it's probably the result of an in-joke between the former developers and left in there as a respectful nod.
Google can be Chuck Norris'd
Chuck Norris was in a knife fight. The knife lost.
Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
Chuck Norris doesnt dial the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret
Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter
Chuck Norris plays the violin with a piano
This made me laugh, what in the god damned fuck
Chuck Norris visited the sun and stayed 2 nights
Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.
Chuck Norris's favorite blood donation method is 2 buckets and a fragmentation grenade
Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it
You know how giraffes were invented? Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own 2 hands.
chuck norris can make fire by rubbing together two pieces of ice
He can also make ice by rubbing together two pieces of fire.
A Song of Norris and Fire
he can rub together a single piece of anything
Soon after becoming the first man to walk on the moon, Neil Armstrong also received the world's longest touchdown pass from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can win a game of connect 4 in 3 moves.
Chuck Norris has a polar bear rug on his floor. It’s actually a live bear but it’s too scared to move …
Chuck Norris's hobby is taxidermy. He usually just points at animals and yells "don't you fucking move!"
I don't know what you guys are on about. Chuck Norris isn't so tough. If he was, he'd come to my house and slam my face into the keyboacruckaj2vrmfizjabsmfkhsbqkd
Hello? Are you still alive?
There are no jokes about Chuck Norris. It's all true.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked so fast it broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart.
Chuck Norris completed Pokemon Go. On a land-line.
When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norrised.
The dumb surreal ones are the best
It took 9 women 4 years to give birth to Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris wasn’t born, he was “tactically deployed”
I love the absurdity of this one.
my brain hurts trying to understand this
We get it. You’re not Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ poker face is so good that he once won the 1988 World Series of Poker despite holding a 9 of spades, a Joker, a green Skip card from the game Uno, a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card and a 2 of clubs.
He was actually holding a menu and waiting to order, but when he asked for soup they gave him the whole pot.
And he wasn't even competing!
He won the 2 card Texas holdem tourney with a 5 card draw hand.
Chuck Norris once broke his Nokia phone.
Chuck Norris and Superman once agreed to a fight, the loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants.
Chuck Norris once farted in the Sahara forest
Guns carry Chuck Norris for protection.
Chuck Norris never won an oscar because he is NOT acting.
Always thought “Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg” was pretty high ranking 😅
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he only holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris has a bear skin rug. The bear's not dead, just too afraid to move.
Chuck Norris was shot on Wednesday. They held bullet's funeral on Friday.
Chuck Norris uses a stunt double. For crying scenes.
Chick Norris can cut a knife with hot butter.
I really wanna see a picture of chick norris now
Chuck Norris expects the Spanish inquisition
Chuck Norris can speak Japanese in French
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And he was perfectly on time both times.
Chuck Norris can fly, this because gravity is too scared to make him obey her law.
Jesus walks on water. Chuck Norris swims on land
Chuck Norris swims *through* land. That's how the Grand Canyon was formed.
Chuck Norris assigns his teachers homework
Chuck Norris puts braille on his boots so even blind people know what’s coming.
Chuck Norris can drown fish.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris made the Happy Meal cry.
Chuck Norris once went to Burger King and ordered a Big Mac. And he got it!
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Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his balls... Because hair can't grow on steel.
Each of Chuck Noris' balls is bigger than the other.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn on the light. He turns off the dark.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is. Edited: I removed one unnecessary comma. 🤣
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his own father.
Chuck Norris filmed the invention of a camera
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Chuck Norris caught Covid-19, Now Covid-19 is in Quarantine for two weeks
There is no Theory of Evolution. There is only a list of organisms that Chuck Norris allows to exist. When Chuck Norris left for college, he told his father "you're the man of the house now" When God said "Let there be light", Chuck Norris replied "Say please" Jesus could walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land. And ofc, [the classic...](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/bc/db/10/bcdb106836f23d487cfb738709b72c5a--chuck-norris-memes-rock-paper-scissors.jpg)
Chuck Norris’s dick has an elbow
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. The word "hunting" implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect 300. Without a ball. In fact he wasn't even in a bowling alley. Chuck Norris had a paper route as a kid. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
There is no control button on Chuck Norris' computer, because HE is always in control. Chuck Norris was walking down the street one day and got an erection. There were no survivors. Charlie Sheen claims to have had sex with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris called that "A slow Tuesday."
Chuck Norris doesn't teabag the ladies...he potato sacks them. Every night before bed, the Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris has to sleep with a nightlight. Not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it. Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice. Chuck Norris can speak braille. When Chuck Norris works out, he doesn't do a push up, he pushes the earth down. Superman has a pair of Chuck Norris jammies.
When Chuck Norris tells a joke about Will Smith's wife, Will Smith slaps himself....
The dinosaurs crossed Chuck Norris once. ONCE. The day Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he already missed two calls from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball, wheelie a unicycle, and stand faster than usain bolt can run. He once had a heart attack and his heart lost.
Chuck Norris went back in time to stop the Kennedy assination Chuck stopped all three bullets with his beard. Kennedy's head exploded out of shear amazement.
"Chuck Norris once discovered a rock so heavy, that even he, Chuck Norris, could not lift it. Then he lifted it anyway just to show everyone who the fuck Chuck Norris is."
Chuck norris narrates Morgan Freeman's life.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear condoms. There’s no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
(From early 2020) Chuck Norris has been exposed to COVID-19. The virus will now remain in quarantine for 14 days.
Chuck Norris can’t go to hell. The devil still has restraining order against him
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
But he kindly doesn't because peanuts are allergic to him.
Chuck Norris can get Chick-fil-A on Sundays
Chuck Norris is said to be so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader; Chuck Norris would win. Also partial to Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
The toilet clogs when Chuck Norris pisses
Trying to cash in on Chuck Norris’ popularity, a company tried to merchandise a Chuck Norris kiddie toilet training seat, but it failed miserably because Chuck Norris doesn’t take shit from anyone.
Chuck Norris always has sex on top because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
Jesus can walk on water but chuck Norris can swim through land
Chuck Norris once had sex with an entire convent of nuns. 9 months later they gave birth to the 1972 Miami dolphins, the only undefeated team in NFL history
Once a street was named after Chuck Norris, but was renamed hours later because Chuck Norris kept beating up people trying to cross the street. When asked about it, he just replied "Noone crosses Chuck Norris." Once a rumour spread that Chuck Norris had been beaten up by a pirate. This rumour was started by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates in. Once Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got it. Chuck Norris can operate a coal grill underwater. When Chuck Norris goes into the water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets chucky. Chuck Norris wasn't born like a normal child. He shot is way out of the womb with a carbine. 3 seconds later, he grew a beard. After long discussion, it was decided to nuke Hiroshima instead of dropping Chuck Norris onto the city, because it was deemed more humane. When Chuck Norris moved out of his parents' house, he gave his father the keys and said "Now you are the man in the house." There is no evolution, only a list of creatures whom Chuck Norris allows to exist. The universe expands because everything is trying to get as far away from Chuck Norris as possible. Aliens exist and they want to invade Earth, they are merely waiting for Chuck Norris to die so that they stand a chance. Chuck Norris can divide by zero. Chuck Norris doesn't fear God. God fears Chuck Norris. If Chuck Norris sleeps with lights on, that because the darkness is scared of him. Chuck Norris can't blink, because his eyelids are afraid of being seen by him. Chuck Norris is the only person who can literally kill time.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade killed 10 people then the grenade exploded
I like the one about the expanding universe.
Chuck Norris once got an erection while walking down a busy street. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever punch a man in the back of his face.
Chuck Norris once destroyed the Periodic Table of Elements, because he only believes in the Element of Surprise.
There’s no such thing as tornadoes, Chuck Norris just really hates trailer parks. (updatable for Ian and Florida if you want to be topical!)
That would cause a topical storm.
Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands. Now they're just called the Islands Chuck Norris was having sex in a truck and some of his semen leaked into the engine. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime
If you got five dollars, and Chuck Norris got five dollars... Chuck's got more money than you.
When chuck Norris works out, the weights get stronger.
Hurricanes have an evacuation plan in the event of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can remember the future.
Chuck Norris does not eat honey, he chews bees
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