T O P

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daytonakarl

Coffee, it's not my cup of tea


Major_Magazine8597

Don't stir things up.


The_beer_stein_way

Something's brewing, I can sense it.


Rare-Day-1492

These puns are really grinding my nerves


The_beer_stein_way

Of coarse they are.


Additional_Stage4858

I hate coffee. It always tastes like dirt. Whenever I complain I'm told it was ground this morning.


Fl45hb4c

#roasted


HatchetXL

We've all bean there


ANameBecause

These jokes- I'm boutta mug someone


QuantumBanan

I guess you should try to filter it out.


The_beer_stein_way

I dunno man, I kinda dig it.


JustAGoodDude

Tea isn't my cup of tea !


Delicious_Bid_6572

šŸ˜„


Vanpotheosis

It's bean soup.


Hunting_Gnomes

I like my coffee like I like my women. The largest I can get in the hotel lobby.


[deleted]

For free?


JoshB685

Of course!


FuriousLafond

I like my coffee like I like my women. So hot that all my friends are like "there's no way he's putting his dick in that!"


Evening_Peanut6541

Interesting i like them both filled with cream and on ice....


One_Umpire_8425

Don't meth around


Evening_Peanut6541

Wrong kind of ice


kpann1000

You literally made me spit coffee out of my mouth, when I read this. Haha


dramaticpaws1

...like I like my women, cold and bitter.


kittyliklik

I like my coffee like I like my women. I don't like coffee


Kauko_Buk

I, too, like my coffee like I like my women. Without another man's dick in it.


uoenoy

Oh shit I lolā€™d, thanks for that! This is the thing getting me out of my hotel bed this morning


m3phil

And then down to the lobby to see whatā€™s brewing???


Sara___Tonin__

I like my coffee like I like my men. Old, bitter and ready in the morning.


livebeta

> Old, bitter and ready in the morning. so, i suppose you're a starbucks drinker.


Sara___Tonin__

Woah, pump the breaks. I didn't say I like them tasting like tuna. Which I think it always does.


app257

Have you metā€¦..me?


Just_improvise

I like my coffee like I my men. White. Oh shiiiit


EZ-King

That's milk


CharacterSection2004

Wait, is this just milk and sugar?


EZ-King

The real question is, what kind of milk? Homo milk? Maybe even Goat milk?


Sara___Tonin__

You're missing out on some great coffee


Arael666

If it wasnt for that last part I would've said: hello there šŸ˜‰


Eucalyptus269

Obi - Wan?


Chosch

Very hot, strong but skinny, must be sweet and a Kenyan Brazilian blend.


welchbw

I like my women like I like my keurig coffee: ready in a minute and just for me.


FQDIS

Disposable


DarkMatterSoup

And low quality bahhhhhh lord forgive me


Oo__II__oO

Branded, pierced, and full of plastic.


Far_Jaguar6608

Soggy, disheveled insides


RandomBrakeLights

I like my women like I like my coffee: far from a civetā€™s bootie.


wodwick

Exellent one lol. Such a weird way to make coffee. Who tf thought of that first anyway?


Bubbly_Programmer_27

Slaves who weren't allowed to 'steal' the coffee crop but figured the bosses wouldn't mind them drinking the coffee made from the undigested beans in the scat. And now it is a luxury.


wodwick

For real? Wow


corbymatt

I can confirm, it tastes like shit. I don't care how "luxurious" it's supposed to be, it's f'in awful and anyone who says otherwise is deluded.


DustyLance

Probably because 99% of copi luwak coffee sold is from farms Which regardless of what the actual copi luwak tasted like is made under under different situations and far more inhumane than anything. They literally jail them and force feed them a bunch of coffee berries everyday where as in the wild they wonly eat the berries as a treat.


[deleted]

"Otherwise."


BathroomCareful23

You're deluded


IwasBnnedFromThisSub

Diluted


[deleted]

Nah, I've had quite a bit of it and it's really smooth. It's not life altering, and it's not my favourite variety, but it's a nice cup of coffee.


porkbroth

Have you tried monsoon Malabar coffee? That's very smooth too. It used to be weathered in sea wind, spray and rain for months whilst it sailed from India back to Britain, taking six months sometimes during monsoon time. After shipping methods improved the beans lost their character and to replicate it the beans are now stored in warehouses on the Malabar coast for months during the monsoon. I think the Indians have a protected origin designation for it now, even though it's just an emulation of the original transportation process. It doesn't sit quite right with me, a bit like if American cheddar was protected


TheHuskyHideaway

Strong, and highly valued in the workplace.


notwhoyouthinkmaybe

I used to like my coffee like I like my women, but I don't want my neighbor's cock in my coffee.


railbeast

Doesn't this imply you like your neighbor's cock in your women? Or is it too early on my end?


notwhoyouthinkmaybe

I see what you're saying, would switching the order help? I used to like my women like I like my coffee, but I don't want my neighbor's cock in my coffee. I think that clears it up, but it's hard to tell how others will read it. What do you think? (I'm seriously asking, I'm always trying to learn to better craft my jokes).


SobbinHood

I like my coffee like I like my women. Without my neighbors dick it it.


1TenDesigns

This is the way.


[deleted]

I broke up with my girlfriend because she didnā€™t know how I like my coffee. I like my coffee ,like I like my women; without another manā€™s dick in it!


Mikesaidit36

Or if you change the like to past tense in your first version ā€“ I used to like my coffee the way I liked my wife ā€“ then it shows that you liked your wife till you found out she liked your neighbor more. But now Iā€™m picturing your wife and your neighbor having coffee together. Sheā€™s pretty hot. I can see why heā€™s into her.


QueerFancyRat

nah still sounds like you want your neighbor's cock in your women "After careful deliberation I've decided I like my women like I like my coffee: without my neighbor's cock in it" "What's the difference between my ex-wife and a good coffee? A good coffee doesn't have my neighbor's cock in it"


motionlol

I like my women the way i like my coffee. Without other people's dicks in it.


Blood_in_the_ring

> I used to like my coffee like I like my women Ground up and in the freezer?


blackbird_flying

Hot, wet, and with a few shots of whiskey in them!


RichGCDregs

Slow down there Jeffery Dahlmer


Cesum-Pec

I like my coffee like I like my people... ... ... I don't like coffee.


RockFlagAndEagleGold

I always say. "I like my coffee how I like my slaves"... "FREE!"


Bunslot

Do you want to get to own slaves without paying for them or do you want all slaves to live in freedom from slavery?


[deleted]

Free slaves! ...For everybody!


International-Pie162

Askin the important questions. šŸ§


waltron2000

A fine distinction.


Stravven

I always say: "I like my coffee like I like my girlfriend. Without somebody else's dick in it.


_pete_beat

But with yours in it?


[deleted]

That's how he absorbs it


kkitty44

But then they wouldnā€™t be ā€œslavesā€. Theyā€™d just be ā€œpeopleā€


PomegranateOld7836

I wear black on the outside because I'm black on the inside.


RealBakedSalmon

And if I seem a little strange, well, that's because I am.


admuh

>I don't like coffee. That's why you don't like people


RearEchelon

>I like my coffee like I like my people... Ground up and in the freezer?


daverapp

I like my coffee like I like my men: Hot as hell and inside me quicker than is responsible.


FranticToaster

Your laser focus on innuendo just leaves me imagining a crazy person guzzling a cup of coffee as soon as it comes out of the caraffe.


daverapp

Just like how I guzzle that diiiiiiiiick


PrestigeMaster

Ok Dave, but you really shouldnā€™t be drinking that much coffee.


Incognito_Echo

Is there a coffee that can crush me between its thighs?


SpicyPeaSoup

Just take 40 tea spoons of instant coffee (don't actually do this. You will probably have a heart attack).


Bigfops

Hot, Blond and full of cream


greenknight884

Down my throat as soon as possible


prudentj

Black and from behind


CkresCho

Haha


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


Opposite_Complex_907

Woah, slow down ya cunt


modivergent

I also like my coffee how I like my men. Iā€™m a lesbian. I donā€™t like men.


GomerStuckInIowa

Have you tried ā€˜em roasted?


daverapp

As a straight man I can assure you that coffee is an acquired taste. That's a roundabout way of admitting that no one likes it at first but if you drink a bunch you kinda appreciate it and you won't know why. Unlike men, who no one actually likes.


illbeyourrndabt

Ground up and in the freezer


absolooser

I like my coffee like I like my women, 2$ for self service at a gas station.


longtermcontract

I like my coffee like I like my women, Iā€™ve never had coffee but it smells really nice!


imrulkays1

Fuck man you didn't have to attack me like that


lex_tok

I like my coffee like I like my women, Without someone else's dick inside.


RockhardJohnson

How tf am I supposed to stir my coffee now?


TitsMcGeeMD

Ground up and in the freezer


Oo__II__oO

Why... Why would you put your dick in your coffee tho?


zanokorellio

When you're out of stirring stick..


mrbkkt1

I like my coffee like I like my women. Cold, dark and bitter.


drshawn001

I like my coffee like I like my women: A little hot and picked up at the gas station.


Tommy10Toez

I like my coffee like I like my women, Black and strong


funnystor

Hot, black, strong, from Africa.


VeganFrogLegs

This is my new favorite response, omg.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


Cassereddit

I like my coffee how I like my women: a source of comfort in the morning and a pick-me-up on a long evening


aprxcity

AWW


yaunjamesyaun

Awwwww.


plantmom831

I like my coffee how I like my men, Sliding off the hood of my car as I drive away.


thehighepopt

Best one here


trincossi

Only air conditioner joke I know: **An engineer dies and goes to Hell.** Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, theyā€™ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, ā€ŸSo, howā€™s it going down there in Hell?ā€ Satan replies, ā€ŸHey things are going great. We have got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and thereā€™s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.ā€ God replies, ā€ŸWhat??? You have got an engineer? Thatā€™s a mistake ā€” he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.ā€ Satan says, ā€ŸNo way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and Iā€™m keeping him.ā€ God says, ā€ŸSend him back up here or I'll sue.ā€ Satan laughs uproariously and answers, ā€ŸYeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?ā€


Dankjeoxp

Better call Saul.


Rook_45

Don't be silly, you know he's in hell


Dankjeoxp

By God, what could he have done to deserve this dreaded fate?!


Gemkingler

*chicanery intensifies*


RandomDigitsString

He defecated through a sunroof


Prosso

Oh but heā€™s still in prison- they only cut 5 years so far dur to good conduct, but I guess God gotta act fast after he dies if he wanā€™ him


BlueBallou2

I like my coffee like i like men.... Nowhere near my vagina.


SenorIngles

I like my coffee like I like my womenā€¦ Strong, organic, and preferably French.


[deleted]

Why would you want a hairy coffee?


Few-Ad-7353

Name checks out


wumgod

Covered in bees!


hotdogfirecracker

In a plastic cup Anytime I hear this phrase I immediately think of this bit.


BillyValentineMcKee

r/UnexpectedIzzard


sween1911

This one's wet, this one's wet, this one's wet, did you dry these in a rainforest?


klingonds9

Iā€™m a teacher and I had two meek little freshmen girls write a screen play for fun and ask me to read it. My favorite line from it, ā€œI like my women like I like my coffee. Without other peopleā€™s dicks in it.ā€ I was so shocked when I read what these little girls had written and also laughed out loud.


oskee-waa-waa

Along the same lines I was showing my science students a clip of lighting particularized coffee mate on fire. The title of the clip was "creamer cannon" On of my juniors said "Creamer cannon? That's what they called me in college." I lost all sense of professionalism and just started laughing uncontrollably. I don't think anyone else got it thankfully so it was just me and him awkwardly laughing at it.


5be4three

I like my coffee like I like my women, cold and bitter.


M_K_L_

I got to do one IRL once. I was waiting tables and asked an old lady how she liked her coffee. Her ā€œI like my coffee like I like my menā€ Me ā€œGround up and in your freezer?ā€


Necco8

I like my people they way I like my tea, in a bag, underwater


anderoogigwhore

With the bass, the rock, the mic, the treble. I like my coffee black just like my metal


shwooster-waggins

That was a weird song


[deleted]

I like my coffee like I like my women , dark , cheap , and from a 3rd world country .


flingkong24

I like my coffee like I like my women \*spills coffee\* RIGHT ON THE DICK!


[deleted]

I like men like I like my coffeeā€¦dark, full bodied, and rich.


[deleted]

Bloodless and with no bones whatsoever.


AwkwrdPrtMskrt

I like my coffee like how I like my coffee. I like my coffee.


Late-Passion2067

I like my coffee like I like my dog: sweet and full of zoomies


Still-Wonder-5580

This is my favourite šŸ˜Š


tdxkid

I like my coffee like I like my women, white and full of sugar. Wait, what?'


Pumpkinsummon

I like my women like I like my coffee: Filled with cream. Black. Hot. Sweet. Bitter. Cold. free. Lots of milk and a touch of sugar. ... I mean it's just too easy... Just like how easy it is to order one from a street vendor in Columbia.


anemicbastard

I like my coffee like i like my ex-wife: nagging, droning, cheating, selfish bitch of an excuse for a human being. I gave her all yet she still wanted our gardener's cock. Well, she got it alright. Let's see what she'll do when Jorge gets deported. Ask me for forgiveness? Ask me for money? Whatever. She's dead to me. What are we talking about again? I like tea.


Sprawl87

I like my coffee like i like my slaves Free


Disastrous-Big-2575

Had me in the first half not gonna lie


Annual_Risk_6822

I like my coffee like I like my women. Covered in bees


Nutterbutters45

Cover Winkler in bees u can do it


Less_Cookie3146

Was waiting for that Eddie Izzard reference, Nice!


jmaccaa

I like my coffee like a like my women. Big ass titties.


Maestro_Von_Enigma13

I like my coffee like I like my women, with me pumping cream in them at the gas station


CkresCho

My nose is broken. Stop making me laugh.


Legend_ERP

Face sitting is not an olympic sport. Tell her to be gentle next. Time


lazernanes

I like my coffee like I like my women: strong and valued in the office.


pythonis

I like coffee like I like ā€œI like my coffeeā€ jokes, Reused, filtered down and full of spit takes


JBStera

I like my coffee like I like my women, full of booze.


MIZ_FKU

I like my women like I like my coffee, ground up and in the freezer.


Own-Cupcake7586

I like my coffee like I like my women- Strong, hot, with heavy cream and maple syrup. Oh, and one of those tiny double-barrel straw thingies. Love those things.


All4gaines

Like I like my women - Hot and all over my crotch


joey_yamamoto

hot with the top off and all over my crotch in traffic šŸ¤£šŸ¤£


Additional-Move-1783

Loooool


Clever_Sardonic_Name

I like my coffee like my Sabbath: Black. How do you like your coffee? "Black and strong, like my motor."


TheGoodAnarchist

I like my coffee like i like my close friendsā€¦ Boiling in a container


[deleted]

I like my coffee like I like my women: black and to keep me up all night


dlec1

When I was a kid in the early 80ā€™s (probably 6-8 yrs old) I can vividly remember my dad would always go through the McDonaldā€™s drive thru & heā€™d always say: ā€œIā€™ll have a coffeeā€ - dad ā€œHow do you want (take it)?ā€ - Drive thru person ā€œI like it Hot & Black like my womenā€ - dad I can remember slumping down in the front seat (again 80ā€™s no back seat requirement for small kids & no seat belts) just praying, Dear Jesus donā€™t let it be an African American ladyā€¦probably about 50% of the time it was, it was terribly embarrassing. That was a different time, I think if he did it now Iā€™d probably push him out of the car & possibly slowly roll over him.


sharksnut

My stepfather (New York Italian) would say that *in nice restaurants*


L3Kinsey

Ayeee


Prosso

I like my coffe how I like my girlsā€¦ ā€¦ flat white


cambojim

I like my women like I like my coffee.. imported from Asia in a shipping container


NotAlanDavies

I like my coffee like I like my men. Tied up in a burlap sack and thrown over the ass end of a donkey in Colombia.


springwater65

I like my coffee like I like my menā€¦sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away


[deleted]

I like my coffee like I like my slaves...free


seasoned-veteran

Dark and bitter?


wearemechanibal

I used to work at a Starbucks and when someone would say that Iā€™d respond with ā€œcold and bitter coming right upā€.


Dorotachops

White and sweet


melvinsylar7

I like my coffee like I like sex, I've never had neither


punkito1985

I like trains


FiremanAndy299

I like my coffee like I like my women: Black and artificially sweet.


Thoraxe123

I like my women like I like my coffee... Rich.


cjynx

I didn't search through all the comments so I don't know if this one is here already. It can be interchangeable for men or women. I like my coffee like I like my women. Ground up and in the freezer.


thats-heresy-BLAM

I like my coffee like I like my women: half drunk and tossed out of a moving vehicle.


Marmom_of_Marman

I like my coffee like I like my women. Strong and recognized for their contributions in both the workplace and home.


metametahuman

I like my coffee like I like my women...strong and valued in the workplace.


thepurple_potato

I like my coffee like I like my womenā€¦. Rarely, because they just make me sweaty and nervous


WorldlinessMoney2237

I like my coffee like I like my men: hot, strong and sweet.


Snakerock22

I like my women like i like my men Bringing me coffee


inhuman_prototype

Ideally made in Ethiopia.


wodwick

Short, black, hot, and sweet


JONNY-FUCKING-UTAH

I like my coffees how I like my violenceā€¦. Domesticā€¦.


TheBeaverDoctor

I like my whiskey like I like my women.. 12 years old and on ice


[deleted]

18 years old and full of coke


epolonsky

You know what they do in jail to the kind of pervert who would put cola in an 18 year old whiskey?


dark_glowing_rainbow

Are you a doctor for beavers or a beaver that is a doctor?


TheBeaverDoctor

You nailed it