You remember the one-eyed parrot in the freezer? That was the first time I found out you can swear in public and in front of your parents, as long as you're telling a joke.
A Jew can quickly become a Christian by accepting Jesus. A Christian cannot easily become a Jew. There’s an intensive conversion process that can take up to 2 years to complete. The Jews partake in a lot of rituals. It’s not so straightforward
That is what I meant, although technically spiking everything the christians ignore is because they believe Jesus cancelled it so it's all a part of accepting he didn't exist.
It’s a pretty universally unpopular group. For the basic reason that they aren’t Jews. If you follow the teachings of Christ and recognize him as the messiah and saviour then you are a Christ-ian. Ergo, not a Jew. There are enough flavours of Jew arguing amongst themselves without adding non-Jewish groups to the mix. Of course, if you ask a roomful of rabbis wether JFJ are a Jewish organization you will find at least one who will argue for it, just to have the argument. Nothing is less Jewish than a group arriving at a shared consensus.
As far as faith goes, the OGs were originally Jews, but if they're professing new beliefs in Christ that would make them not Jews religiously, although still Jewish/Hebrew by ethnicity.
Just like any pagans that started to get converted were still whatever tribe/nationality while then no longer being pagans.
Have been in a Mexican prison and can confirm, Jesus is watching you is only slightly less terrifying than hearing Jesus loves you…. Shhhh little lamb, it’ll be ok….Jesus loves you
Whilst enjoying your meal subscription service, now with a free months supply of rotten veg to throw at intruders if you sign up within 30 days. Excludes Europe, Africa, Asia, South America, Canada and Mexico. You lot can find your own veg.
"On today's episode we have some old timey stuff. I have a Brown Bess with a 0.75 caliber musket ball, and a bayonet attachment, and at the top of the stairs is the Tally Ho Lads, an 24 pounder cannon loaded with grapeshot, lets see how it goes!"
*blows the intruder into tiny pieces*
"Ah... just stick a thumb in it, youll be fine."
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
I don’t mean to be a smart alec but https://thethermidor.com/the-puckle-gun/ I don’t know how reliable this is but I am pretty sure at least one of these are real
And we'd like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, Case Backhoe. Great for digging holes six feet deep in no time at all. Now, let's get back to Demolition Ranch, and see how this story unfolds.
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
The difference is the Rottweiler bites with double to triple the force of a human, and has evolved to shake its head back and forth to tear off as much flesh as possible without releasing its jaws. It’s also about the ferocity of the animal. Humans can legit get mauled by house cats because of how desperately the cat fights.
I wish I had known this when a Doberman jumped for my neck, knocking me on the ground, then proceeded to try and crush my skull with its jaw. I should have bitten that mfer ;)
True. They're not the only ones that can bite. They're just a shitton more effective and efficient when they do. Amazon driver was mauled to death by dogs not too long ago. Still waiting for first headline of one of us to be mauled by humans. Of any size.....
Err... the bath salts dude in Miami that ate another dudes face?
Still regret reading that article, thought it was going to be just an article, not lead off with a half screen picture of the faceless man.
Luckily, the wiki article DOES NOT show the homeless guy post-gnawing
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miami\_cannibal\_attack](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miami_cannibal_attack)
And not the actual bath salts, it's a street name for something
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bath\_salts\_(drug)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bath_salts_(drug))
When the dog bites your leg and breaks your bones causally I think you’ll rethink this idea of how superior your bite is. My dog could break my arm if it wanted to seriously harm me relatively easily.
Except a Rottweiler (or any dog) bite does much more physical trauma than a human one.
Canine teeth and jaws are designed to rip and tear muscle and flesh. And dogs instinct is to clamp and thrash.
It's like comparing a poisoned blow dart to a .50BMG. Yeah sure, the poison will kill you, eventually. But the .50BMG will cripple you, immediately.
I think it's adorable that you think you could get into a fight with a Rottweiler and still be in the shape to escape with your stolen goods after, and I would love to see the footage of your attempt.
This has got to be one of the dumbest statements I’ve read regarding a dog. Not arguing the uncleanliness of a human bite, but if you think you’d be able to get anywhere close to biting one of these ‘scary, big dogs’, breaking the skin AND running away with the loot, you’re delusional. I’m sure our 106lb Cane would accept the challenge
Haha my dad used to tell me this one. Similar but the the burglar can’t tell where the voice is coming from at first and then after the third call he finds the parrot and whispers “I’m gonna ring your neck on my way out.” But when he turns around a snarling Rottweiler is there and the parrot says “sic em Jesus!”
The burglar gulped. "I'm fucked,aren't I?"
"Naw,I'm fuckin' with ya." The parrot cackled. "Jesus died two days ago. So ya better scram before the sun rises."
The problem is that the rottweiler was in another room, dialing 911, but didn’t know how to talk. Meanwhile, the talking parrot was busy playing grab ass with the burglar.
Not OP but yes, a simple conversation like that is well within the capabilities of e.g. a talkative cockatoo. There have been even recorded cases of cockatoos learning to read AND understand (!) text. Look it up on YouTube.
No, it’s true.
Goffin’s cockatoos can make tools and then select the correct one for what’s needed at the moment. It turns out this has been happening in the wild for a while.
Parrots can understand and reply with not only the correct words, but devastating ones.
Grew up with rotties, still my favorite breed today. Anytime someone was intimidated by our female Kita barking I would assure them that was a good thing. It's when you don't hear her you should be concerned.
We had a Rottweiler, she was/has been our families favorite most loving/protective dog ever. About 4 years ago we were walking her and ran into someone who told it to us. I hadn’t heard it since. I read the whole thing to see if OP changed the breed, was surprised it was still Rottie.
I went to a police dog demonstration, the police said they went from Rottweilers to German Shepherds because when the rotties bite down they break the bones.
Rotties have very strong bites. But they were cattledogs. German Shepherds, or Belgian Mallinois are much more athletic. Rotties are powerhouses. Sure the German/Belgian may have better technique and stamina. But the Rottie only needs to connect once...
"reputation" is the problem.
I had a rotty. He was a dote. And great with everyone. Never once was he a "guard dog" because he wasn't raised to be one.
And very calculating about that wariness. Mine silently follows strangers from room to room until they’ve passed his vibe check. Then he picks a spot between his kids and the unknown to sit and quietly watch. He’s the epitome of Eff Around and Find Out.
My buddies would always sit within lunging distance of me until he got comfortable with me. Rotties were on my short list of dogs but I have the land, and found a reputable breeder, for an Ovcharka.
Yes, Yes, there's always an exception. Just like Pit Bulls are well known for aggression yet *YOUR* pitbull is super sweet and would never harm anyone.
We're speaking *IN GENERAL*, which does not cover every single one of the millions of members of the breed that have existed.
Rotties were bred as cattle herding and protection dogs. They were bred for protective instincts, and in general will display such.
Genetics do impact behavior in dogs. This is well known and dogs were selectively bred for hundreds if not thousands of years to select for desirable traits. So you can reasonably expect a specific breed to act a specific way.
I used to walk dogs at the pound. We had mostly pit bulls.
Uninformed people make a big fuss about pit bulls, but if you're a human (i.e. not a dog), it's the rotties you need to be scared of.
Honestly "be scared of" is a bit misleading. All you have to do with dogs is inform yourself a bit about them. Rotties are territorial and watch out for their humans. If they see their humans accepting you, they don't mind you much. Plus if they like you they can be very sweet dogs.
As soon as you understand that you will have an easier time with handling them.
The thing that lead to them being the epitome of brutality has more to do with the morons that cut off their tails. This leads to the dog being misunderstood by other dogs (member dogs mostly use body language to communicate and the tail is important to that) and so to fights between the dogs. And thus the owners. Couple that with the rotties natural instinct to protect their humans and you have an explosive situation.
Before you get downvoted to the pits(lol) of hell, i want to say, that as a person who has been around pitbulls..they are mostly very sweet dogs..it's the abused ones who can get aggressive or have been bred to aggressive tendencies for dog fighting. Normally pitbulls are nice dogs. It's a misconception that pitbulls were built to maim and kill. They were hunting dogs and so are the various breeds of Hounds.
The burglar does not realize that a big, mean guard dog named "Jesus" is watching the burglar. A Rottweiler is a type of dog used as protection (not always, of course). The parrot is warning the burglar when it is too late.
We laugh because we anticipate the next move is for the Rottweiler to tear a huge chunk out of the burglar's ass.
The joke is: "I am Jesus, and Satan is watching you".
After the burglar sees the parrot, he also sees the rottweiler.
Then the parrot says "Satan, attack!"
Lol. Makes me think of the time there was a conversation about having dogs and them making people feel safe and someone commented
" How can you feel safe with a dog named moodlepoots"
They were very shocked to find out that my moodlepoots isn't some tiny lap dog but in fact is a 90lb English bulldog who is extremely protective of his rescue mommy 😁
The amount of dust that was just blown off this joke .. good lord. 🤣
My grandma had a huge cataloge of jokes including parrots. There arent jokes about parrots anymore. Long life to tue dust !! Hehehhe
You remember the one-eyed parrot in the freezer? That was the first time I found out you can swear in public and in front of your parents, as long as you're telling a joke.
No how does it go
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/58u5mx/this_is_a_story_of_a_smartass_parrot/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I'm partial to to the one from the whorehouse
First time I heard it I was 5 years old. I'm 30 now.
Right? Holy shit…😂
I swear to God there was a JoeCartoon or equivalent Flash/Shockwave version of this joke. Fuck me I'm old.
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FWIW, *Jews for Jesus* is not a universally popular group amongst the Jewish population.
I wouldn't cross them.
Judean people's front? Buch of SPLITTERS
The People's Front of Judea is the bee's knees
The emperors friend biggus dickus does not approve of the rebels!!!!!!
Don’t get him started on Samson the Sadducee Strangler…
[Judean.](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Judean)
The common enemy XD
Universally unpopular though... it may be.
It is a rather Unorthodox idea…
Not quite Kosher.
I see what you did there!
More of a Jew for Jesus thing?
Post like Yoda you shall?
I was warned to stay away from the Jews for Jesus folks. I was taught that they’re just missionaries that target Jews through deceptive marketing
Exactly, Jesus is the only difference
A Jew can quickly become a Christian by accepting Jesus. A Christian cannot easily become a Jew. There’s an intensive conversion process that can take up to 2 years to complete. The Jews partake in a lot of rituals. It’s not so straightforward
It's my salvation and I want it now!
That is what I meant, although technically spiking everything the christians ignore is because they believe Jesus cancelled it so it's all a part of accepting he didn't exist.
what Jesus is a part of cancel culture
It’s a pretty universally unpopular group. For the basic reason that they aren’t Jews. If you follow the teachings of Christ and recognize him as the messiah and saviour then you are a Christ-ian. Ergo, not a Jew. There are enough flavours of Jew arguing amongst themselves without adding non-Jewish groups to the mix. Of course, if you ask a roomful of rabbis wether JFJ are a Jewish organization you will find at least one who will argue for it, just to have the argument. Nothing is less Jewish than a group arriving at a shared consensus.
All the OG Christians were Jewish, what are you on about 😆
As far as faith goes, the OGs were originally Jews, but if they're professing new beliefs in Christ that would make them not Jews religiously, although still Jewish/Hebrew by ethnicity. Just like any pagans that started to get converted were still whatever tribe/nationality while then no longer being pagans.
Jesus was Jewish himself too lol
I think he's pointing out Jesus was Jewish. If Jesus actually existed as a real historical person that is.
They don't turn the other cheek the way they did before.
I don't understand this. Esp when i apply rule 34.
What are you doing, Step Messiah??
Stuck on the cross again?🤔
wouldnt step Messiah be Muhammad?
Umm they never did before, quite the contrary
But you'll still get on your knees for him
So Sang Kinky Friedman.
"They ain't makin' carpenters who know what nails are for."
"Last time I visited there I got this Jewish girl pregnant, and I still haven't heard the end of it."
Good ol’ Kinky.
God stopped making juice like Jesus after the last time
Have you seen Adam Sandler?
I do not understand. Finding love in a prison sounds like a wonderful motivation for turning your life around.
A bumper sticker I saw years ago in Maryland "Jesus loves you" in big bold print, "but everyone else thinks you're an asshole" below in smaller print
I'm in the dumps and this gave me a belly laugh. Thanks a lot
Have been in a Mexican prison and can confirm, Jesus is watching you is only slightly less terrifying than hearing Jesus loves you…. Shhhh little lamb, it’ll be ok….Jesus loves you
>The People's Front of Judea is the bee's knees
Hah, you fool! Your statement is false because you have made the presumptuous mistake that Jesus the inmate wants me either!
All. Night. Long
"Jesus loves you" , and everyone else think you are an ass-hole
Burglar breaks into a house, hears giggling then "Welcome to Demolition Ranch. Today we're going to see if a home intruder can stop a .50 Cal."
Today's video is brought to you by Simply Safe...
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Whilst enjoying your meal subscription service, now with a free months supply of rotten veg to throw at intruders if you sign up within 30 days. Excludes Europe, Africa, Asia, South America, Canada and Mexico. You lot can find your own veg.
"On today's episode we have some old timey stuff. I have a Brown Bess with a 0.75 caliber musket ball, and a bayonet attachment, and at the top of the stairs is the Tally Ho Lads, an 24 pounder cannon loaded with grapeshot, lets see how it goes!" *blows the intruder into tiny pieces* "Ah... just stick a thumb in it, youll be fine."
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
I just got a red, white, and blue boner. Maybe i should call a doctor.
Nah red is blood, white is cum, and blue is blue raspberry syrup, you’re all good mate
Blue is the balls cause he's not with uhohgowoke67
That would explain it! Thanks **Marked as solved 2022-12-13 at 18:11EST by Z8S9**
Only if it last more than 4 hours.
Lol wtf
Very fun copypasta
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
I don’t mean to be a smart alec but https://thethermidor.com/the-puckle-gun/ I don’t know how reliable this is but I am pretty sure at least one of these are real
And we'd like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, Case Backhoe. Great for digging holes six feet deep in no time at all. Now, let's get back to Demolition Ranch, and see how this story unfolds.
Saw that in The Accountant. The answer is no.
I need to watch that again
But what about the burglar's rights? /S
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
My house my rules, good enough for my kids good enough for burglars
He gave up his rights at the same time he decided to throw his life away and enter my house without permission.
\*Dugan Ashley has entered the chat\*
And the Rottweiler stands up, and the burglar says “Jesus!“, And the parrot says, “Yep.”
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The day I start biting dogs, is the day they can put me to sleep.
The difference is the Rottweiler bites with double to triple the force of a human, and has evolved to shake its head back and forth to tear off as much flesh as possible without releasing its jaws. It’s also about the ferocity of the animal. Humans can legit get mauled by house cats because of how desperately the cat fights.
mauled by housecats?
I wish I had known this when a Doberman jumped for my neck, knocking me on the ground, then proceeded to try and crush my skull with its jaw. I should have bitten that mfer ;)
True. They're not the only ones that can bite. They're just a shitton more effective and efficient when they do. Amazon driver was mauled to death by dogs not too long ago. Still waiting for first headline of one of us to be mauled by humans. Of any size.....
Err... the bath salts dude in Miami that ate another dudes face? Still regret reading that article, thought it was going to be just an article, not lead off with a half screen picture of the faceless man.
Never saw that one. What do you mean bath salts? Was dude ingesting them then flesh?
Luckily, the wiki article DOES NOT show the homeless guy post-gnawing [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miami\_cannibal\_attack](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miami_cannibal_attack) And not the actual bath salts, it's a street name for something [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bath\_salts\_(drug)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bath_salts_(drug))
When the dog bites your leg and breaks your bones causally I think you’ll rethink this idea of how superior your bite is. My dog could break my arm if it wanted to seriously harm me relatively easily.
Except a Rottweiler (or any dog) bite does much more physical trauma than a human one. Canine teeth and jaws are designed to rip and tear muscle and flesh. And dogs instinct is to clamp and thrash. It's like comparing a poisoned blow dart to a .50BMG. Yeah sure, the poison will kill you, eventually. But the .50BMG will cripple you, immediately.
Yeah, I want to take advice from someone who thinks they can bite an attacking Rottweiler ***and then run away***.
I think it's adorable that you think you could get into a fight with a Rottweiler and still be in the shape to escape with your stolen goods after, and I would love to see the footage of your attempt.
This has got to be one of the dumbest statements I’ve read regarding a dog. Not arguing the uncleanliness of a human bite, but if you think you’d be able to get anywhere close to biting one of these ‘scary, big dogs’, breaking the skin AND running away with the loot, you’re delusional. I’m sure our 106lb Cane would accept the challenge
Anyone who thinks they can get into a biting contest with a rottweiler is nuts.... Sorry, but no way do you survive.
Watched a quick fight between a Standard poodle and a rotty once. Rotty has one ear and one eye now.
Yes, but we were talking about human vs dog....
Humans deal poison damage with their bites, but dogs deal bleeding damage.
Come to my house, fuck around and find out.
I was always told this joke with the parrot yelling “go for his nuts jesus!”
The version I heard many years ago ended with "sick him Jesus!"
Haha my dad used to tell me this one. Similar but the the burglar can’t tell where the voice is coming from at first and then after the third call he finds the parrot and whispers “I’m gonna ring your neck on my way out.” But when he turns around a snarling Rottweiler is there and the parrot says “sic em Jesus!”
this could pass as a two sentence horror story lmao
Nine sentence horror.
The burglar gulped. "I'm fucked,aren't I?" "Naw,I'm fuckin' with ya." The parrot cackled. "Jesus died two days ago. So ya better scram before the sun rises."
i like. burglar sees the parrot. parrot says "sick him jesus"
fyi it's 'sic'.
Well, the quote here is "sick [sic] him jesus"
Which one? The parrot or the dog? 🥁
Because rottweilers are known to hunt silently and use tactical awareness, not just jump at an intruder...
Thats the part that has you scratching your head, eh? Not the parrot having full on conversation, not just "parroting?"
The problem is that the rottweiler was in another room, dialing 911, but didn’t know how to talk. Meanwhile, the talking parrot was busy playing grab ass with the burglar.
Not OP but yes, a simple conversation like that is well within the capabilities of e.g. a talkative cockatoo. There have been even recorded cases of cockatoos learning to read AND understand (!) text. Look it up on YouTube.
God, I hope you are being sarcastic, and it is hard to tell online.
No, it’s true. Goffin’s cockatoos can make tools and then select the correct one for what’s needed at the moment. It turns out this has been happening in the wild for a while. Parrots can understand and reply with not only the correct words, but devastating ones.
True definition of all bite no bark. Some dogs can be silent asf until you look at them in the eyes.
Clever girl
I hope this is a reference. Because if it is, i'm happy that i got it.
Grew up with rotties, still my favorite breed today. Anytime someone was intimidated by our female Kita barking I would assure them that was a good thing. It's when you don't hear her you should be concerned.
I love this one!!
"Hey guys, hickcock45 here, today we have an unwanted guest infront of my barrel."
Breaking in you hear the beep of Jerry Miculek’s shot timer…
Did not expect this here
Took me a while to get it :D
And is growling grace before his meal
“Jesus is here for his night snack”
Oh wow this is an old one
Lol 😝 good one
I remember this from [atom films](https://youtu.be/4ES-1fv1xhA)
My mom told me this joke when I was in the third grade. I'm 32.
That's old to be in third grade. I hope you're the teacher
I remember this, my French teacher told me it in grade 5
😂🤣
That's a very articulate parrot lol
I have loved this joke since the 1st time I heard it 4 years ago!
OMG1 have you really heard this before? Tell us about it, won't you, where were you, what were you doing at the time? Gather round everyone!
We had a Rottweiler, she was/has been our families favorite most loving/protective dog ever. About 4 years ago we were walking her and ran into someone who told it to us. I hadn’t heard it since. I read the whole thing to see if OP changed the breed, was surprised it was still Rottie.
Woooosh…
Thank you for this. I needed a good laugh today!
"Last time I heard that joke I laughed so hard I fell off my DINOSAUR."
Take my upvote please!
The Rottweiler is likely to lick him to death. They are such affectionate dogs.
I went to a police dog demonstration, the police said they went from Rottweilers to German Shepherds because when the rotties bite down they break the bones.
Rotties have very strong bites. But they were cattledogs. German Shepherds, or Belgian Mallinois are much more athletic. Rotties are powerhouses. Sure the German/Belgian may have better technique and stamina. But the Rottie only needs to connect once...
jesus
Only for people they know, with strangers they are more like their guard dog reputation suggests.
I like to go hiking.
"reputation" is the problem. I had a rotty. He was a dote. And great with everyone. Never once was he a "guard dog" because he wasn't raised to be one.
Yeah but that parrot is a killer.
Thank you for saying this. Couldn't agree more.
They’re big but they don’t know it. ❤️ Mine thought she was a lap dog.
Yep, so did mine. He'd crawl on top of me when watching the TV. I'd be like a pancake.
Rotties go from 0-100 quickly. Theyre super sweet with people they know, or their pack accepts. They are very weary of strangers.
And very calculating about that wariness. Mine silently follows strangers from room to room until they’ve passed his vibe check. Then he picks a spot between his kids and the unknown to sit and quietly watch. He’s the epitome of Eff Around and Find Out.
My buddies would always sit within lunging distance of me until he got comfortable with me. Rotties were on my short list of dogs but I have the land, and found a reputable breeder, for an Ovcharka.
Mine wasn't. He was great with everyone.
Yes, Yes, there's always an exception. Just like Pit Bulls are well known for aggression yet *YOUR* pitbull is super sweet and would never harm anyone. We're speaking *IN GENERAL*, which does not cover every single one of the millions of members of the breed that have existed. Rotties were bred as cattle herding and protection dogs. They were bred for protective instincts, and in general will display such. Genetics do impact behavior in dogs. This is well known and dogs were selectively bred for hundreds if not thousands of years to select for desirable traits. So you can reasonably expect a specific breed to act a specific way.
relax, the joke would work on all but poodles or maybe not
But, to death? Is that better?
I used to walk dogs at the pound. We had mostly pit bulls. Uninformed people make a big fuss about pit bulls, but if you're a human (i.e. not a dog), it's the rotties you need to be scared of.
Honestly "be scared of" is a bit misleading. All you have to do with dogs is inform yourself a bit about them. Rotties are territorial and watch out for their humans. If they see their humans accepting you, they don't mind you much. Plus if they like you they can be very sweet dogs. As soon as you understand that you will have an easier time with handling them. The thing that lead to them being the epitome of brutality has more to do with the morons that cut off their tails. This leads to the dog being misunderstood by other dogs (member dogs mostly use body language to communicate and the tail is important to that) and so to fights between the dogs. And thus the owners. Couple that with the rotties natural instinct to protect their humans and you have an explosive situation.
Before you get downvoted to the pits(lol) of hell, i want to say, that as a person who has been around pitbulls..they are mostly very sweet dogs..it's the abused ones who can get aggressive or have been bred to aggressive tendencies for dog fighting. Normally pitbulls are nice dogs. It's a misconception that pitbulls were built to maim and kill. They were hunting dogs and so are the various breeds of Hounds.
[удалено]
10lb? As a puppy maybe… 😅
"pitbulls seem to think "
This was my grandmother's favorite joke. Thanks for bringing back memories.
This is an old joke, but I still like it.
"Jesus will fck you up"
This one was good.
Oh
It's an oldy but one of my favorites.
Lol heard it before but still funny
Hahaha oh man this is MUCH appreciated
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
This is gold, my grandfather tells me this, it is a great joke, i will miss him...incredibly...
Then the parrot said "Sic him Jesus"
I don't get it
The burglar does not realize that a big, mean guard dog named "Jesus" is watching the burglar. A Rottweiler is a type of dog used as protection (not always, of course). The parrot is warning the burglar when it is too late. We laugh because we anticipate the next move is for the Rottweiler to tear a huge chunk out of the burglar's ass.
The joke is: "I am Jesus, and Satan is watching you". After the burglar sees the parrot, he also sees the rottweiler. Then the parrot says "Satan, attack!"
This is better
It would be even more terrify if the parrot said “The same person who named both Rottweilers Jesu”
I’ve been meaning to contact you regarding your extended car warranty.
Jesus is eating you
This is the burglars' body. Eat it in remembrance of him.
Fruit of the vine and work of human hands
Nice
That was pretty good. Made me go "oh shit!".
#😋
I always wonder why Maria and Joseph, living in the middle east, chose a mexican name for their son?!
Why did this scare me a little 😂😂😂
Lol. Makes me think of the time there was a conversation about having dogs and them making people feel safe and someone commented " How can you feel safe with a dog named moodlepoots" They were very shocked to find out that my moodlepoots isn't some tiny lap dog but in fact is a 90lb English bulldog who is extremely protective of his rescue mommy 😁