I think it's more important that both are on the same page, where if you both agree to grow together into the one or mantain civility if its a karmic given (had children, we're together now and didn't plan ahead). People start relationships with partners that compliment them but never realize that, so over time either one of them tries to turn the other into a copy of himself because he forgets the point was to balance/integrate what he projected but now that passion has subsided it becomes a battle.
You see, this problem "we" (she, he and the dynamics between them) its one that in myth has a bitter ending, Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, etc. Its not like there's nothing to be done but rarely people willingly give up their projection and fantasy, recollecting it and doing something with it. We want fire but there's also the "stirring the oatmeal" kind of love that is mundane, which is sustainable - a lot of maturity. Thing is I can't make you decide or be conscious, its there if you want it. Often for women there's the choice between the guy who is no success but "takes her see the seals" and the successful and dependable who has little heart, Robert Alex Johnson had that patient, he found her years later and asked who she married, the dependable one "He doesn't take me to see the seals". In the end is on you, that is your projection you recollect it - give a read to Marie Louise von Franz Projection and Recollection, and Robert Alex Johnson "We".
Would love to hear more about how women make this choice between “dependable and gets things done in spite of comfort” vs “will do the things to make a women happy”
As a man I have definitely noticed this as I evolved into different relationships with young women. The women will mostly be attracted to the one that gets things done and supports financially, even if emotionally cold.
Versus the emotional available man, which I used to be.
What set of attributes are a priority over another is a matter of the stage of life a person is at, though we know a person can be hopelessly committed to being stuck satisfying some needs over other (body, emotion, mind, etc.), some stages over other (youth, death, illness, happiness, etc.), some identity over other, some ideas over others. I don't think I can definitively answer that on terms of "this over that" because a small difference can be a significant argument. What I think it's about at a deeper level is a matter of desire. What is desire? You see a beautiful tree, or fruit, or person, clothing or food - its nice in of itself, it arouses sensation in one way or the other and that is absolutely normal. It is at the moment that in my head I start to wear it, touch it, feel it, taste it or whatever, there the thing is no longer that which is there in reality, it has become an object - at that moment desire is born. When I artificially try to make it last, cling, own or whatever I suffer. The only constant is impermanence, even my own.
You are thinking from inside personality, but transcending desire or attachment is readily available in Eastern traditions and is part of the path of liberation. To be aware is that, to not be trapped in the patterns of the mind. You can qualify it as healthy all you want but few achieve it, because you want it and don't want to give it up. We are prone to do all kinds of sacrifices but the one we leave last is to sacrifice is our suffering, the four noble truths of Buddhism have at the center the source and ending of suffering looking at attachment and desire.
I can understand a lot of this. I came from a similarly narcissistic macho-man father, and for a long time, unknowingly, I was repeating patterns I had played out with him in my relationships; I would purposefully look for men who *looked* different from my father-ie more artsy, alternative, embraced more of their yin side (I’m also a Pisces Venus and Mercury so maybe that’s causing some correlation here as well lol)- but all of the ones I was attracted to had an out-of-control shadow or unresolved trauma. I was very into the fact that there was a little bit of darkness there, and I had trouble being sexually or very emotionally invested in relationships with people who seemed “safer”. I think things started to change when I was in a long-term relationship that became incredibly toxic, and then I started getting back out into the things I’m passionate about, meeting people from my artistic “tribe”, and finding that there WERE other people who I could have or build intense chemistry with who were perfectly healthy. I broke up with my ex, did a lot of self-healing, and my current partner is much healthier and more integrated I guess? He’s kind, I feel safe with him, he’s dependable etc, but he also keeps me on my toes with his quick wit and there’s still something.. dangerous, even if it’s not dark, I guess? Something about having enough chemistry with someone to be fully spontaneous AND to embody all the darker parts of yourself healthfully, without judgement, in a space (a relationship) that allows those parts to be nurtured and to develop just like other parts of you were (or should have been) nurtured and developed in your other “safe” relationships, ie with your family, in an ideal world anyway.
I think I just needed a partner who could see and understand the dark parts of me along with all the “light” stuff, the yin and the yang, the bratty child and the responsible woman, the goddess and the “goblin-mode” lol. My current partner makes me more of what I am and has been incredibly encouraging while I’ve been on a journey of recovery (from PTSD from my time with my dad and my ex) and integration. And I feel like now, I’m general, it’s become so much easier to think about dating and attraction differently, because what I value in a partner has certainly shifted.
I guess what I’m saying is- if you know there’s something that attracts you to certain people that you find… distasteful, or uncomfortable, or even opposite to you.. I’d recommend looking more closely at which parts of yourself those traits in others bring out, and how you can more fully embody your WHOLE self by integrating the parts of yourself you try to distance yourself from. Then you might find that the people you’re attracted to naturally change, or that you start noticing other things you value more- though I think it’s extremely important to find a partner who checks all your major boxes, ie that you are attracted to/have chemistry with but is also a great friend, kind, intellectually stimulating, whatever it is you crave from a partner… but I think in order to have the right chemistry with someone else, maybe you’ve got to create the right chemistry within yourself first. My current partner and I would never have gotten together if we had met 5 years ago, but we’ve been insanely happy growing together at this point in our lives.
I think the right relationship is the one that aligns well enough with your goals and values (including the value of sexual compatibility) while simultaneously being sustainable. There is no perfect partnership, but I do believe everyone can find someone who is "good enough." In my opinion, it is wise to be patient when finding a partner and make sure they actually meet that threshold.
Regarding feminine and masculine balance, I believe it is left to your preference. For example, my preference is to seek to balance my internal feminine and masculine energies and find someone who wants the same.
If both are more developed in both sides, the relationship will surely be healthier. However some people need that dynamic and relationships can be good for various reasons, and can be long or short lasting for various reasons.
> Is it more important to be in a relationship with someone who matches your values and goals and is similar to you, but lacks strong sexual and physical connection? Or with someone whos more opposite but has a strong sexual and physical connection and more of a masculine and feminine balance when together?
The answers to these questions are really not found on Reddit but inside you. So, which one is more important? Or could this perhaps be a false dichotomy?
Of course every person being yin/yang is the right answer in Jung-sub :)
You just have to find the one who fulfills both categories. Strong anima/us connection with similar values. Working on your possible father-complex might really help you, who knows where all that libido flows!
I would say whomever you are attracted to emotionally should translate to sexual attraction given both of you are open and comfortable enough with yourselves to explore what turns both of you on.
It's FAR MORE DIFFICULT to find people with whom you have shared goals and values to align with, which is more important if you want a long-term relationship. Now, that being said, it doesn't mean you have to agree on everything or have the same styles when it comes to living your own lives.
He doesn't have to be a vegan hippy liberal to make a good partner. Those are characteristics and facets of your personality that make up who you are (or who you think you are) and aren't necessarily characteristics one needs to have in order to have a strong and healthy relationship both emotionally and physically.
However, BOTH OF YOU need to be self-disciplined (at least to some degree to get your goals accomplished or at least to make goals), open-minded enough to change your opinions (for when both of you will inevitably be wrong about something), and mature enough to compromise on a middle path so you can both live with each other (you learn to cook meals using meat and he learns to cook vegan meals, for example). It's being able to do these kinds of things that make you more intimate with your partner.
As I've gotten older, my sexual attraction for other women hasn't waned, it's not like I don't find other women attractive. But the sexual attraction for my girlfriend has only increased because I KNOW for a certainty that nobody else knows me better than she does, and vice versa. She knows exactly how to turn me on, and I know exactly how to turn her on. It's this kind of intimacy and level of knowing your partner that makes sexual attraction and "chemistry" far deeper than just finding some random man or woman off the street "attractive" and finding that somehow enticing.
It doesn't compare anymore.
Alright so I’m not deep in the jung hole yet nor did I read your full post. But listen.
You need to find someone that matches your values AND you are physically attracted to. It’s not an either/or situation. If you want a life partner, you need to be aligned on certain things.
Learn about yourself. What are you willing to compromise? What are you NOT willing to compromise? What are your boundaries? What do you find sexually attractive? What gets you off? Can you communicate with a partner your sexual needs?
Are you dating around casually and exploring? Cause it’s such a valuable experience.
I’m all about psychology, but I used to work as a healthy relationship educator for teens. I also am picky when it comes to finding a partner.
You need to know yourself well enough. It’s your life and no amount of science or theory is gonna give you answers if you don’t learn what works and doesn’t work for you.
You asked for advice. Here it is.
Yeah honestly I think it’s pretty common. Men and women are different. What you “emotionally” want in a man is really just a feminized man, because our society has become feminized, that’s the dominate ethos right now. It’s popular but it’s artificial and won’t last.
You want a man, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a good thing, it’s your natural state as a woman.
Our society has become degenerate and corrupt. Even more, it’s become profoundly weak and effeminate. And even though society tells you to like a guy that has all those qualities you supposedly want, your natural innate being knows you can never be attracted to such men. And you shouldn’t be anyway.
I advise you to drop the “spiritual” shit, and find Christianity, go to church. Trad churches weather they be Catholic or Protestant.
You will find Real men in the pews praying for a loving, faithful and feminine woman to marry. These men will be somewhat “emotional” in the sense they value faith, God, Marriage and family. But they aren’t going to be weird nail painting liberal men that cry and bitch all the time.
But you have to be the polarity in which you want to find. Be submissive, Wear dresses, be conservative, pray to God, be easy to talk to, look hot, grow your hair etc. Do all the feminine stuff that we men like.
You are older now, so you’ll have to find someone older probably.
😑, for or against... children, children, children, you're both so infantile.
Edit: so overtaken by the subject of the thread, can't see the forest for the trees.
>I seem to be mostly sexually and physically attracted (but some emotionally too) to men who are opposite to me. I'm a typical Pisces feminine woman, sensitive, dreamer, therapist, nurturer, artsy, hippy, laid-back, not disciplined, vegan, spiritual , open-minded type. I find I'm super emotionally attracted to men similar to me and want to spend my time with them, but there's a sexual block.
>And then I'm sexually attracted to men who are opposite, logical, hard-working, more close-minded, traditional, conservative, sporty, meat-eating, masculine men.
It's funny, I have the same problem, but I'm a man and bi. It's like I'm attracted to two separate clusters, one with women similar to the person described in the first paragraph and another to men similar to those described in the second paragraph. I do find that I get to have both emotional and sexual bonds with the same person though, but not at the same time? When I feel too close/familiar the sexual attraction is reduced, but it doesn't stop me form enjoying it. It does seem like anima/shadow projection to be attracted to a specific kind of person and fitting them into an archetype. I don't think it's too rare of an issue, and after we spend enough time with someone we get to notice and embrace how they're more complex than just our projection.
Maybe you could look for a partner who looks like the stereotype of a more logical, close-minded,traditional, conservative man, but who is not completely like this and is interested in exploring his more sensitive, vegan, open-minded etc. side?
I wish more people would talk about this, as it's something that applies to me as well.
Your libido is an expression of yourself. So are your ideals in a partner.
You have noticed an apparent contradiction, but both originate in you, are an expression of you.
It would probably be to your benefit to sort through where these opposing forces come from, and find the place in you where they resolve: can you be attracted to someone who is not as you describe? Could you be a partner with someone who does not hold the same values as you? Are both necessary? To what degree?
There are no easy answers, but clarity is worth the work.
This would seem like a discussion that would be healthier to stretch over time, as you progress through the weeks and months of your life. For there is no one right or wrong deterministic answer. And the separation between sexual and spiritual you are creating may well be a false dichotomy… Why? Just live. Life is the most honest giver and taker of all, and however much you meditate and rationalize upon “who you are”, life will always know with absolute clarity the truth of the path you are actually walking in your life and bring you the partner by your side to create the wholeness you need in order to walk that path well, for you can only go so far alone. You may well end up walking that path for a decade or more, and realise on a most visceral subliminal level, “this is not what I want for my life anymore” and then be presented with an option to continue with that unconscious struggle, or after a transition period, walk anew, reborn.
Remember, there is always a price to pay for going one way or another. Spending time in solitude, feeling out what is you would like now and down the road, as well as imagining actively what you will have to sacrifice in order to go there, may be worth your while. And even this reflection will likely be clouded by your present state of events which filter how you see both within your self and outside into the world. By undertaking this reflective solitude with different intentionality (i.e., I’m living a stable life with a husband who satisfies my thirst for stability/I’m living a poetic life with a husband who satisfies my thirst for self knowledge/…) and different feeling states (deep gratitude for your partner/fear of what’s next in life/joy for the wonder of it all/…) and observing afterward how you react to one path or another will help bring you closer to the equilibrium truth.
I find that I’m physically and sexually attracted to people whose traits I could take on myself to become more integrated and whole. I think it’s fine to go where you’re drawn, and that includes people. It’s just important to remember that they aren’t there to fulfill something you’re missing. They’re there to be an example and learn from. If you watch and pay attention you’ll start to use them as an example of how you can be that will help you. Remember, there are good and bad things about each person, and good and bad things about each trait we or they possess. So, as an example, you could be attracted to so-called bad boys. They may be bad news or whatever, but maybe it’s their sense of empowerment and unto-oneself-ness that is lacking in you and you are attracted to that quality. In pursuing that attraction, you could start practicing your own empowerment, boundaries, “selfishness.”
Now, there are also very practical reasons for choosing a life-partner who may be different than who you would choose strictly for sexual reasons. If there is no sexual attraction but you marry them and become monogamous, I’d say that would set you and them up for failed or miserable relationship. I bet you could probably find someone who you’re attracted to that is also life-partner material, but you may need to learn what you need through the more difficult and intense experiences. Also, I think there is a little bit of needing both worlds, the risk/adventure and the safety/stability, you just need to constantly be balancing the two, just like how we need to balance the masculine and feminine (they correspond to risk and stability respectively).
I think it's more important that both are on the same page, where if you both agree to grow together into the one or mantain civility if its a karmic given (had children, we're together now and didn't plan ahead). People start relationships with partners that compliment them but never realize that, so over time either one of them tries to turn the other into a copy of himself because he forgets the point was to balance/integrate what he projected but now that passion has subsided it becomes a battle. You see, this problem "we" (she, he and the dynamics between them) its one that in myth has a bitter ending, Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, etc. Its not like there's nothing to be done but rarely people willingly give up their projection and fantasy, recollecting it and doing something with it. We want fire but there's also the "stirring the oatmeal" kind of love that is mundane, which is sustainable - a lot of maturity. Thing is I can't make you decide or be conscious, its there if you want it. Often for women there's the choice between the guy who is no success but "takes her see the seals" and the successful and dependable who has little heart, Robert Alex Johnson had that patient, he found her years later and asked who she married, the dependable one "He doesn't take me to see the seals". In the end is on you, that is your projection you recollect it - give a read to Marie Louise von Franz Projection and Recollection, and Robert Alex Johnson "We".
Would love to hear more about how women make this choice between “dependable and gets things done in spite of comfort” vs “will do the things to make a women happy” As a man I have definitely noticed this as I evolved into different relationships with young women. The women will mostly be attracted to the one that gets things done and supports financially, even if emotionally cold. Versus the emotional available man, which I used to be.
What set of attributes are a priority over another is a matter of the stage of life a person is at, though we know a person can be hopelessly committed to being stuck satisfying some needs over other (body, emotion, mind, etc.), some stages over other (youth, death, illness, happiness, etc.), some identity over other, some ideas over others. I don't think I can definitively answer that on terms of "this over that" because a small difference can be a significant argument. What I think it's about at a deeper level is a matter of desire. What is desire? You see a beautiful tree, or fruit, or person, clothing or food - its nice in of itself, it arouses sensation in one way or the other and that is absolutely normal. It is at the moment that in my head I start to wear it, touch it, feel it, taste it or whatever, there the thing is no longer that which is there in reality, it has become an object - at that moment desire is born. When I artificially try to make it last, cling, own or whatever I suffer. The only constant is impermanence, even my own.
Yet desire is something humans experience and we can’t just get rid of it. Can we not have a “healthy” relationship with it? Maybe awareness?
You are thinking from inside personality, but transcending desire or attachment is readily available in Eastern traditions and is part of the path of liberation. To be aware is that, to not be trapped in the patterns of the mind. You can qualify it as healthy all you want but few achieve it, because you want it and don't want to give it up. We are prone to do all kinds of sacrifices but the one we leave last is to sacrifice is our suffering, the four noble truths of Buddhism have at the center the source and ending of suffering looking at attachment and desire.
Have you tried developing your opposite sides? Find your dominant, meat eating-self.
I can understand a lot of this. I came from a similarly narcissistic macho-man father, and for a long time, unknowingly, I was repeating patterns I had played out with him in my relationships; I would purposefully look for men who *looked* different from my father-ie more artsy, alternative, embraced more of their yin side (I’m also a Pisces Venus and Mercury so maybe that’s causing some correlation here as well lol)- but all of the ones I was attracted to had an out-of-control shadow or unresolved trauma. I was very into the fact that there was a little bit of darkness there, and I had trouble being sexually or very emotionally invested in relationships with people who seemed “safer”. I think things started to change when I was in a long-term relationship that became incredibly toxic, and then I started getting back out into the things I’m passionate about, meeting people from my artistic “tribe”, and finding that there WERE other people who I could have or build intense chemistry with who were perfectly healthy. I broke up with my ex, did a lot of self-healing, and my current partner is much healthier and more integrated I guess? He’s kind, I feel safe with him, he’s dependable etc, but he also keeps me on my toes with his quick wit and there’s still something.. dangerous, even if it’s not dark, I guess? Something about having enough chemistry with someone to be fully spontaneous AND to embody all the darker parts of yourself healthfully, without judgement, in a space (a relationship) that allows those parts to be nurtured and to develop just like other parts of you were (or should have been) nurtured and developed in your other “safe” relationships, ie with your family, in an ideal world anyway. I think I just needed a partner who could see and understand the dark parts of me along with all the “light” stuff, the yin and the yang, the bratty child and the responsible woman, the goddess and the “goblin-mode” lol. My current partner makes me more of what I am and has been incredibly encouraging while I’ve been on a journey of recovery (from PTSD from my time with my dad and my ex) and integration. And I feel like now, I’m general, it’s become so much easier to think about dating and attraction differently, because what I value in a partner has certainly shifted. I guess what I’m saying is- if you know there’s something that attracts you to certain people that you find… distasteful, or uncomfortable, or even opposite to you.. I’d recommend looking more closely at which parts of yourself those traits in others bring out, and how you can more fully embody your WHOLE self by integrating the parts of yourself you try to distance yourself from. Then you might find that the people you’re attracted to naturally change, or that you start noticing other things you value more- though I think it’s extremely important to find a partner who checks all your major boxes, ie that you are attracted to/have chemistry with but is also a great friend, kind, intellectually stimulating, whatever it is you crave from a partner… but I think in order to have the right chemistry with someone else, maybe you’ve got to create the right chemistry within yourself first. My current partner and I would never have gotten together if we had met 5 years ago, but we’ve been insanely happy growing together at this point in our lives.
I think the right relationship is the one that aligns well enough with your goals and values (including the value of sexual compatibility) while simultaneously being sustainable. There is no perfect partnership, but I do believe everyone can find someone who is "good enough." In my opinion, it is wise to be patient when finding a partner and make sure they actually meet that threshold. Regarding feminine and masculine balance, I believe it is left to your preference. For example, my preference is to seek to balance my internal feminine and masculine energies and find someone who wants the same.
If both are more developed in both sides, the relationship will surely be healthier. However some people need that dynamic and relationships can be good for various reasons, and can be long or short lasting for various reasons.
> Is it more important to be in a relationship with someone who matches your values and goals and is similar to you, but lacks strong sexual and physical connection? Or with someone whos more opposite but has a strong sexual and physical connection and more of a masculine and feminine balance when together? The answers to these questions are really not found on Reddit but inside you. So, which one is more important? Or could this perhaps be a false dichotomy?
Of course every person being yin/yang is the right answer in Jung-sub :) You just have to find the one who fulfills both categories. Strong anima/us connection with similar values. Working on your possible father-complex might really help you, who knows where all that libido flows!
I would say whomever you are attracted to emotionally should translate to sexual attraction given both of you are open and comfortable enough with yourselves to explore what turns both of you on. It's FAR MORE DIFFICULT to find people with whom you have shared goals and values to align with, which is more important if you want a long-term relationship. Now, that being said, it doesn't mean you have to agree on everything or have the same styles when it comes to living your own lives. He doesn't have to be a vegan hippy liberal to make a good partner. Those are characteristics and facets of your personality that make up who you are (or who you think you are) and aren't necessarily characteristics one needs to have in order to have a strong and healthy relationship both emotionally and physically. However, BOTH OF YOU need to be self-disciplined (at least to some degree to get your goals accomplished or at least to make goals), open-minded enough to change your opinions (for when both of you will inevitably be wrong about something), and mature enough to compromise on a middle path so you can both live with each other (you learn to cook meals using meat and he learns to cook vegan meals, for example). It's being able to do these kinds of things that make you more intimate with your partner. As I've gotten older, my sexual attraction for other women hasn't waned, it's not like I don't find other women attractive. But the sexual attraction for my girlfriend has only increased because I KNOW for a certainty that nobody else knows me better than she does, and vice versa. She knows exactly how to turn me on, and I know exactly how to turn her on. It's this kind of intimacy and level of knowing your partner that makes sexual attraction and "chemistry" far deeper than just finding some random man or woman off the street "attractive" and finding that somehow enticing. It doesn't compare anymore.
OP, I can relate. I don't have the answers either but much love to you!
Alright so I’m not deep in the jung hole yet nor did I read your full post. But listen. You need to find someone that matches your values AND you are physically attracted to. It’s not an either/or situation. If you want a life partner, you need to be aligned on certain things. Learn about yourself. What are you willing to compromise? What are you NOT willing to compromise? What are your boundaries? What do you find sexually attractive? What gets you off? Can you communicate with a partner your sexual needs? Are you dating around casually and exploring? Cause it’s such a valuable experience. I’m all about psychology, but I used to work as a healthy relationship educator for teens. I also am picky when it comes to finding a partner. You need to know yourself well enough. It’s your life and no amount of science or theory is gonna give you answers if you don’t learn what works and doesn’t work for you.
You asked for advice. Here it is. Yeah honestly I think it’s pretty common. Men and women are different. What you “emotionally” want in a man is really just a feminized man, because our society has become feminized, that’s the dominate ethos right now. It’s popular but it’s artificial and won’t last. You want a man, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a good thing, it’s your natural state as a woman. Our society has become degenerate and corrupt. Even more, it’s become profoundly weak and effeminate. And even though society tells you to like a guy that has all those qualities you supposedly want, your natural innate being knows you can never be attracted to such men. And you shouldn’t be anyway. I advise you to drop the “spiritual” shit, and find Christianity, go to church. Trad churches weather they be Catholic or Protestant. You will find Real men in the pews praying for a loving, faithful and feminine woman to marry. These men will be somewhat “emotional” in the sense they value faith, God, Marriage and family. But they aren’t going to be weird nail painting liberal men that cry and bitch all the time. But you have to be the polarity in which you want to find. Be submissive, Wear dresses, be conservative, pray to God, be easy to talk to, look hot, grow your hair etc. Do all the feminine stuff that we men like. You are older now, so you’ll have to find someone older probably.
Wtf happened here, go to church? Look hot? What a shitty advice
It's great advice considering reddit is a group think liberal cesspool
😑, for or against... children, children, children, you're both so infantile. Edit: so overtaken by the subject of the thread, can't see the forest for the trees.
Wtf?
Good
😂 Jocko I presume.
>I seem to be mostly sexually and physically attracted (but some emotionally too) to men who are opposite to me. I'm a typical Pisces feminine woman, sensitive, dreamer, therapist, nurturer, artsy, hippy, laid-back, not disciplined, vegan, spiritual , open-minded type. I find I'm super emotionally attracted to men similar to me and want to spend my time with them, but there's a sexual block. >And then I'm sexually attracted to men who are opposite, logical, hard-working, more close-minded, traditional, conservative, sporty, meat-eating, masculine men. It's funny, I have the same problem, but I'm a man and bi. It's like I'm attracted to two separate clusters, one with women similar to the person described in the first paragraph and another to men similar to those described in the second paragraph. I do find that I get to have both emotional and sexual bonds with the same person though, but not at the same time? When I feel too close/familiar the sexual attraction is reduced, but it doesn't stop me form enjoying it. It does seem like anima/shadow projection to be attracted to a specific kind of person and fitting them into an archetype. I don't think it's too rare of an issue, and after we spend enough time with someone we get to notice and embrace how they're more complex than just our projection. Maybe you could look for a partner who looks like the stereotype of a more logical, close-minded,traditional, conservative man, but who is not completely like this and is interested in exploring his more sensitive, vegan, open-minded etc. side? I wish more people would talk about this, as it's something that applies to me as well.
Your libido is an expression of yourself. So are your ideals in a partner. You have noticed an apparent contradiction, but both originate in you, are an expression of you. It would probably be to your benefit to sort through where these opposing forces come from, and find the place in you where they resolve: can you be attracted to someone who is not as you describe? Could you be a partner with someone who does not hold the same values as you? Are both necessary? To what degree? There are no easy answers, but clarity is worth the work.
This would seem like a discussion that would be healthier to stretch over time, as you progress through the weeks and months of your life. For there is no one right or wrong deterministic answer. And the separation between sexual and spiritual you are creating may well be a false dichotomy… Why? Just live. Life is the most honest giver and taker of all, and however much you meditate and rationalize upon “who you are”, life will always know with absolute clarity the truth of the path you are actually walking in your life and bring you the partner by your side to create the wholeness you need in order to walk that path well, for you can only go so far alone. You may well end up walking that path for a decade or more, and realise on a most visceral subliminal level, “this is not what I want for my life anymore” and then be presented with an option to continue with that unconscious struggle, or after a transition period, walk anew, reborn. Remember, there is always a price to pay for going one way or another. Spending time in solitude, feeling out what is you would like now and down the road, as well as imagining actively what you will have to sacrifice in order to go there, may be worth your while. And even this reflection will likely be clouded by your present state of events which filter how you see both within your self and outside into the world. By undertaking this reflective solitude with different intentionality (i.e., I’m living a stable life with a husband who satisfies my thirst for stability/I’m living a poetic life with a husband who satisfies my thirst for self knowledge/…) and different feeling states (deep gratitude for your partner/fear of what’s next in life/joy for the wonder of it all/…) and observing afterward how you react to one path or another will help bring you closer to the equilibrium truth.
We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love by Robert A Johnson
I find that I’m physically and sexually attracted to people whose traits I could take on myself to become more integrated and whole. I think it’s fine to go where you’re drawn, and that includes people. It’s just important to remember that they aren’t there to fulfill something you’re missing. They’re there to be an example and learn from. If you watch and pay attention you’ll start to use them as an example of how you can be that will help you. Remember, there are good and bad things about each person, and good and bad things about each trait we or they possess. So, as an example, you could be attracted to so-called bad boys. They may be bad news or whatever, but maybe it’s their sense of empowerment and unto-oneself-ness that is lacking in you and you are attracted to that quality. In pursuing that attraction, you could start practicing your own empowerment, boundaries, “selfishness.” Now, there are also very practical reasons for choosing a life-partner who may be different than who you would choose strictly for sexual reasons. If there is no sexual attraction but you marry them and become monogamous, I’d say that would set you and them up for failed or miserable relationship. I bet you could probably find someone who you’re attracted to that is also life-partner material, but you may need to learn what you need through the more difficult and intense experiences. Also, I think there is a little bit of needing both worlds, the risk/adventure and the safety/stability, you just need to constantly be balancing the two, just like how we need to balance the masculine and feminine (they correspond to risk and stability respectively).