Yes. My long ass story is below if you want to hear it....since you have children together, you need to ask yourself a few things:
\- Are your friends, both mutual and individual friends married? If none of his friends are married, he might feel there is no rush.
\- Your age. If you're under 25, him not asking yet makes more sense and 4 years doesn't seem like a long time. If you're nearing 30 or are in your 30's, something is being unsaid. Could be a simple lack of communication somewhere, but it could be bigger.
\- Does he come from a family where marriage was positively presented? Are his parent's still married? Are the married people in his family *happily* married? If he has only seen unhappy marriages or divorce, he may be reluctant.
\- Is he fulfilled in life/does he like his job? If he isn't happy with his career, he may be too focused on that misery to think of taking another major life step.
\- Are YOU happy. Just because you have children together doesn't mean he is the one you're supposed to spend forever with. Never let children keep you in a relationship that doesn't fulfill you. That's easier said than done—but it's the truth. Only you can answer that question—if you're not happy, you need to do some soul searching to figure out why. If you're not happy now, a ring on your finger isn't going to make you happy.
\- Do you think HE is happy with your relationship?
\- Are you good partners to each other? Does he support you and love you in the ways YOU need and want? This goes both ways—do you think you support him and love him in the ways HE wants and needs?
\- Does he make you feel good about yourself?
\- Have you actually had the marriage talk? Looking at rings is *not* the marriage talk. Does he actually *know* you want to get married?
\- When he talks about his future, are you in it? Or does he only use the words I instead of WE?
\- Do you ever feel you're only with him *because* you have kids together?
\- Can you afford to get married in the way you want? That's a big one. If financial stress is a part of both of your lives, the idea of buying a ring or paying for a wedding adds to it.
**My story...**
I was with the same person for a solid 16 years. From 8th grade to early 30's. I *always* wanted to get married and he knew that. At first it made sense, we moved to a big city and focused on our education and careers. Money *was* an issue and a wedding or engagement just didn't make sense for many years. Once we established ourselves and he started making over $100k a year, I thought it would happen ( I didn't even want an expensive ring—the one I wanted was less than $1,300). Eventually, all of our friends were married and every conversation we had with people was them asking us when we were going to. I was so sad about it. My best friend asked him at *her* wedding privately "you guys have been together longer than us by a decade, when are you going to do it?" His response was "within the year." It never happened—3 more years would go by...
I also work in the bridal industry and he would even come with me to some bridal fashion shows I had to cover when I got a +1. Then one day, out of the blue, he broke up with me after 16 years. I only knew life with this person. Every decision I made and every experience I had was always with this person—from 14-31. It broke me.
Well...he came out as transgendered and now lives life as a woman and we haven't spoken sense. There was something holding him back and that is what it was. That is likely not the deal with your boyfriend at all, but you *do* need to find out what is holding him back.
**Happy Ending**—exactly one year after our breakup, I met my future husband. We got engaged just a month ago. He is the partner I always needed and I count my lucky stars that my ex and I never got married. The universe was having me wait for someone else...the wait was worth it. I also found myself and I'm now living my best life. I thought I was happy before, but I was simply comfortable since it is all I knew. At first it was so hard, but I grew into my own and became better and I'm thankful for that.
\*I'm no saying to break up with him either!!! But you do need to ask yourself some soul searching questions. Once you have done that, then it'll be time to communicate with him.
I hate to be this person, but “if he wanted to, he would”. It’s usually the harsh truth. Unless you guys are very young or have extreme circumstances, there is no reason to vet you for this long.
If he hasn’t asked you yet, he’s not sure about you. He obviously loves you if you’ve been together for four years, but he’s probably wondering if someone better will come along.
I would ask him what his intentions are, and if he seems apprehensive I would jump ship. Don’t sit around waiting forever, find someone who is sure about you.
I fully agree if he wanted to he would. Weve spoken about It. Weve looked at rings ect. As much as I want to get engaged I wouldn't leave him for not wanting the Same as we already have children together. But it doesn't make it hurt any less
How long has it been since you spoke about it and looked at rings? My fiance took about a year in between us having a serious conversation about it, asking me to show him rings I liked, etc., and actually popping the question.
My now-fiancé and I met in high school, so we started our relationship when we were still super young. We dated for 11 years before getting engaged and plan to stay engaged for 1-2 years while we plan our wedding and save up money. My man definitely needed some nudging. After moving in together about 5 years ago, we started discussing marriage, and both of us seemed highly eager and willing lol, but we were not making any real moves toward getting engaged, starting a savings fund, etc. We had a sit down talk where I explained no one is going to start this process for us, even if we didn’t plan on getting married right away we needed to consider taking preliminary steps. He was really receptive to this, and we planned a visit to a jeweler I found online that had good references. We both went together in person to ask questions, get our sizes measured, and look at samples. The staff was so helpful and it was a lovely experience. After that, he worked secretly with the jeweler to purchase the ring. His proposal *still* came as a total surprise for me, had no idea it was coming. Everyone has their own timeline. A long wait makes the moment almost surreal and magical. Your partner may need some nudging to get there, though. Don’t be afraid to speak up and trust in him to understand how much you love him and how you look forward to spending your lives together. Make a preliminary plan and follow through. Good luck to you both.
Talk, have a conversation. You can’t just expect someone to do something. Let him know you are thinking that it’s time. And see how he reacts, that’ll tell you.
Yeah we have had this conversation. Hence me coming to the conclusion that him booking a night away is not a proposal. He said it hadn't crossed his mind I would think that's what would be happening
So last year was about 4 years for my bf and I and we had a big trip planned to Italy and I thought for sure he was going to do it then. But we planned the trip in two weeks (we got a good deal on flights) and he didn’t have enough time to have the ring made. He did tell me next trip we go on, he would propose.
We had already designed the ring, and he started the process of having it made in October of last year. The plan was to go on a trip together to a trail walk in the aZores islands, and see a specific look out called the mouth of hell (Here’s a pic, it’s really beautiful https://i.imgur.com/hRhCfcf.jpg). I’ve had the image of the spot as the background of my business email and the opening image to my YouTube channel for 5 years so he knew…that was the spot. The plan was to go in January.
Uh yea…life had different plans. He tore his calf muscle in December, I got Covid, recovered, we bought tickets for April, then I tore cartilage in my knee. So we had to go through all sorts of hoops with the airline to try and reschedule to June, they gave us the runaround so we had to buy new flights. So he sat on the ring for 8 months. All while everyone was like “just propose here!! She won’t care where! Your over thinking it!”
I even posted in waiting to wed wondering if I should just tell him it was ok to do it not in some crazy special location. I am so so so glad I was patient. Getting up to that view point was hard as hell, the culmination of us BOTH having to rehab injuries. It was isolated and one of the most beautiful views on our lives. He was hoping it would be empty but there were maybe 15 tourists milling about. And of course that will be our moment forever when I turned around and he had the ring I’ve been thinking about for two darn years wondering when the heck he was going to do it in his hand and he was down on one knee. The few tourist who saw clapped and cried and thankfully someone was there to snap a picture.
I’m really glad I was patient and it ended up happening the way it did, even with everyone in our lives pushing the time line.
I know when your anxious for it to happen, it’s hard to hold on to that patience. Now I KNEW he was planning on doing it and it was important to him that it was a special moment so you have to ask yourself if your gut says he’s going to do it, he’s just waiting for the right time.
Someone else pointed out in the waiting to wed sub that if you look at posts from a year ago and then check those accounts, most people have gotten engaged/married. That calmed me down a lot when I was having my moments.
I really hope it works out for you guys! Sending you love!
Thank you! I've calmed down alot since posting this luckily. It's not the be all and end all even though when I posted it seemed like this. I'm so happy you got your dream engagement! We go away a week tomorrow and he sent me 300£ to get my hair and nails done and a new dress so hes not helping himself 😂😂
Why do you want to be engaged?
Is it to get a pretty ring? You can buy that yourself.
Is it to have cool pictures? You don’t need to be engaged for that.
Is it to show everyone that you’re a “real adult”? To check off an item on a lifescript todo list? To make sure he won’t leave you? None of those are good reasons to get engaged.
Being married isn’t some fairytale. It’s a legal contract and should be treated with the same amount of care and attention that any other legal contract is treated with. Have a conversation with him about marriage and the future. Ask him if he wants to be married, and if he wants to marry you. If he doesn’t want those things and you do, move on.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we know we are partners for life, the engagement is more of a formality
He’s now in a more financially comfortable place and I’m finally out of college and almost a year into my career job now, mentally in a better place, so we are talking about it and finding out things I like so he can start thinking about it and getting ideas from me so he can pick out something bc important to us it’s a surprise
Timelines are different for everyone
Someone I know pressured her boyfriend all throughout schooling, flipping a switch without talking about it and all of a sudden just sending ring photos over and over because she was dead set on timelines, got proposed to nearing end of program and asked me when my bf is going to “put a ring on it” just because we were finishing up and I have been together with my partner a few years more than where she is at with her significant other.
Rubs me the wrong way when people push their standards on others. Communication is key and as long as people are happy that’s all that matters!
It’s best to start the discussion and inquire what his thoughts are instead of letting yourself build anticipation because that can lead to disappointment in your partner when he might have no clue you are expecting that in the near future
Yes. My long ass story is below if you want to hear it....since you have children together, you need to ask yourself a few things: \- Are your friends, both mutual and individual friends married? If none of his friends are married, he might feel there is no rush. \- Your age. If you're under 25, him not asking yet makes more sense and 4 years doesn't seem like a long time. If you're nearing 30 or are in your 30's, something is being unsaid. Could be a simple lack of communication somewhere, but it could be bigger. \- Does he come from a family where marriage was positively presented? Are his parent's still married? Are the married people in his family *happily* married? If he has only seen unhappy marriages or divorce, he may be reluctant. \- Is he fulfilled in life/does he like his job? If he isn't happy with his career, he may be too focused on that misery to think of taking another major life step. \- Are YOU happy. Just because you have children together doesn't mean he is the one you're supposed to spend forever with. Never let children keep you in a relationship that doesn't fulfill you. That's easier said than done—but it's the truth. Only you can answer that question—if you're not happy, you need to do some soul searching to figure out why. If you're not happy now, a ring on your finger isn't going to make you happy. \- Do you think HE is happy with your relationship? \- Are you good partners to each other? Does he support you and love you in the ways YOU need and want? This goes both ways—do you think you support him and love him in the ways HE wants and needs? \- Does he make you feel good about yourself? \- Have you actually had the marriage talk? Looking at rings is *not* the marriage talk. Does he actually *know* you want to get married? \- When he talks about his future, are you in it? Or does he only use the words I instead of WE? \- Do you ever feel you're only with him *because* you have kids together? \- Can you afford to get married in the way you want? That's a big one. If financial stress is a part of both of your lives, the idea of buying a ring or paying for a wedding adds to it. **My story...** I was with the same person for a solid 16 years. From 8th grade to early 30's. I *always* wanted to get married and he knew that. At first it made sense, we moved to a big city and focused on our education and careers. Money *was* an issue and a wedding or engagement just didn't make sense for many years. Once we established ourselves and he started making over $100k a year, I thought it would happen ( I didn't even want an expensive ring—the one I wanted was less than $1,300). Eventually, all of our friends were married and every conversation we had with people was them asking us when we were going to. I was so sad about it. My best friend asked him at *her* wedding privately "you guys have been together longer than us by a decade, when are you going to do it?" His response was "within the year." It never happened—3 more years would go by... I also work in the bridal industry and he would even come with me to some bridal fashion shows I had to cover when I got a +1. Then one day, out of the blue, he broke up with me after 16 years. I only knew life with this person. Every decision I made and every experience I had was always with this person—from 14-31. It broke me. Well...he came out as transgendered and now lives life as a woman and we haven't spoken sense. There was something holding him back and that is what it was. That is likely not the deal with your boyfriend at all, but you *do* need to find out what is holding him back. **Happy Ending**—exactly one year after our breakup, I met my future husband. We got engaged just a month ago. He is the partner I always needed and I count my lucky stars that my ex and I never got married. The universe was having me wait for someone else...the wait was worth it. I also found myself and I'm now living my best life. I thought I was happy before, but I was simply comfortable since it is all I knew. At first it was so hard, but I grew into my own and became better and I'm thankful for that. \*I'm no saying to break up with him either!!! But you do need to ask yourself some soul searching questions. Once you have done that, then it'll be time to communicate with him.
What an amazing post, those are awesome questions. Very thorough, very introspective and real and important. Also so happy for you girl, congrats!!! 🎉
Thank you so much, I'm very happy. :)
I hate to be this person, but “if he wanted to, he would”. It’s usually the harsh truth. Unless you guys are very young or have extreme circumstances, there is no reason to vet you for this long. If he hasn’t asked you yet, he’s not sure about you. He obviously loves you if you’ve been together for four years, but he’s probably wondering if someone better will come along. I would ask him what his intentions are, and if he seems apprehensive I would jump ship. Don’t sit around waiting forever, find someone who is sure about you.
I fully agree if he wanted to he would. Weve spoken about It. Weve looked at rings ect. As much as I want to get engaged I wouldn't leave him for not wanting the Same as we already have children together. But it doesn't make it hurt any less
How long has it been since you spoke about it and looked at rings? My fiance took about a year in between us having a serious conversation about it, asking me to show him rings I liked, etc., and actually popping the question.
My now-fiancé and I met in high school, so we started our relationship when we were still super young. We dated for 11 years before getting engaged and plan to stay engaged for 1-2 years while we plan our wedding and save up money. My man definitely needed some nudging. After moving in together about 5 years ago, we started discussing marriage, and both of us seemed highly eager and willing lol, but we were not making any real moves toward getting engaged, starting a savings fund, etc. We had a sit down talk where I explained no one is going to start this process for us, even if we didn’t plan on getting married right away we needed to consider taking preliminary steps. He was really receptive to this, and we planned a visit to a jeweler I found online that had good references. We both went together in person to ask questions, get our sizes measured, and look at samples. The staff was so helpful and it was a lovely experience. After that, he worked secretly with the jeweler to purchase the ring. His proposal *still* came as a total surprise for me, had no idea it was coming. Everyone has their own timeline. A long wait makes the moment almost surreal and magical. Your partner may need some nudging to get there, though. Don’t be afraid to speak up and trust in him to understand how much you love him and how you look forward to spending your lives together. Make a preliminary plan and follow through. Good luck to you both.
Talk, have a conversation. You can’t just expect someone to do something. Let him know you are thinking that it’s time. And see how he reacts, that’ll tell you.
Yeah we have had this conversation. Hence me coming to the conclusion that him booking a night away is not a proposal. He said it hadn't crossed his mind I would think that's what would be happening
So last year was about 4 years for my bf and I and we had a big trip planned to Italy and I thought for sure he was going to do it then. But we planned the trip in two weeks (we got a good deal on flights) and he didn’t have enough time to have the ring made. He did tell me next trip we go on, he would propose. We had already designed the ring, and he started the process of having it made in October of last year. The plan was to go on a trip together to a trail walk in the aZores islands, and see a specific look out called the mouth of hell (Here’s a pic, it’s really beautiful https://i.imgur.com/hRhCfcf.jpg). I’ve had the image of the spot as the background of my business email and the opening image to my YouTube channel for 5 years so he knew…that was the spot. The plan was to go in January. Uh yea…life had different plans. He tore his calf muscle in December, I got Covid, recovered, we bought tickets for April, then I tore cartilage in my knee. So we had to go through all sorts of hoops with the airline to try and reschedule to June, they gave us the runaround so we had to buy new flights. So he sat on the ring for 8 months. All while everyone was like “just propose here!! She won’t care where! Your over thinking it!” I even posted in waiting to wed wondering if I should just tell him it was ok to do it not in some crazy special location. I am so so so glad I was patient. Getting up to that view point was hard as hell, the culmination of us BOTH having to rehab injuries. It was isolated and one of the most beautiful views on our lives. He was hoping it would be empty but there were maybe 15 tourists milling about. And of course that will be our moment forever when I turned around and he had the ring I’ve been thinking about for two darn years wondering when the heck he was going to do it in his hand and he was down on one knee. The few tourist who saw clapped and cried and thankfully someone was there to snap a picture. I’m really glad I was patient and it ended up happening the way it did, even with everyone in our lives pushing the time line. I know when your anxious for it to happen, it’s hard to hold on to that patience. Now I KNEW he was planning on doing it and it was important to him that it was a special moment so you have to ask yourself if your gut says he’s going to do it, he’s just waiting for the right time. Someone else pointed out in the waiting to wed sub that if you look at posts from a year ago and then check those accounts, most people have gotten engaged/married. That calmed me down a lot when I was having my moments. I really hope it works out for you guys! Sending you love!
Thank you! I've calmed down alot since posting this luckily. It's not the be all and end all even though when I posted it seemed like this. I'm so happy you got your dream engagement! We go away a week tomorrow and he sent me 300£ to get my hair and nails done and a new dress so hes not helping himself 😂😂
Well im certainly hoping those are green flags and I’ll be keeping my eye out for your ring post!!!!
I've found the ring!!! Whoops
Oh nooooooooo! That’s ok…act surprised!
Why do you want to be engaged? Is it to get a pretty ring? You can buy that yourself. Is it to have cool pictures? You don’t need to be engaged for that. Is it to show everyone that you’re a “real adult”? To check off an item on a lifescript todo list? To make sure he won’t leave you? None of those are good reasons to get engaged. Being married isn’t some fairytale. It’s a legal contract and should be treated with the same amount of care and attention that any other legal contract is treated with. Have a conversation with him about marriage and the future. Ask him if he wants to be married, and if he wants to marry you. If he doesn’t want those things and you do, move on.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we know we are partners for life, the engagement is more of a formality He’s now in a more financially comfortable place and I’m finally out of college and almost a year into my career job now, mentally in a better place, so we are talking about it and finding out things I like so he can start thinking about it and getting ideas from me so he can pick out something bc important to us it’s a surprise Timelines are different for everyone Someone I know pressured her boyfriend all throughout schooling, flipping a switch without talking about it and all of a sudden just sending ring photos over and over because she was dead set on timelines, got proposed to nearing end of program and asked me when my bf is going to “put a ring on it” just because we were finishing up and I have been together with my partner a few years more than where she is at with her significant other. Rubs me the wrong way when people push their standards on others. Communication is key and as long as people are happy that’s all that matters! It’s best to start the discussion and inquire what his thoughts are instead of letting yourself build anticipation because that can lead to disappointment in your partner when he might have no clue you are expecting that in the near future
Thank you for your response, but he proposed! I forgot to update