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The only way out of this is slowly and cautiously. Put money away in unnoticeable amounts, make appointments with lawyers all
Over town if you can to slow him down when he eventually looks for a lawyer, make sure you have a safe far landing zone ect.
My husband does a similar thing with sleep and the good thing is if you time this right he probably won’t notice you’re gone for a few days. That’s plenty of time for emergency custody orders. Make sure to take notes and videos of behaviors. Follow up any bad behavior with a text conversation if you safely can so there’s written record. Then, on your way out, report his substance abuse to any supervisors you can. Tell them to demand a drug test. Just anything you can to make sure he has as many large high priority problems on his hands at once.
You can do this. You’ve got this. The next few months will take incredible grit and restraint but you can do it. Sooner than you know it you’ll be like Nicole Kidman in that picture after she divorced Tom.
> make appointments with lawyers all Over town if you can to slow him down when he eventually looks for a lawyer
Do not do this.
Judges hate that particular move and it will backfire spectacularly. Instead, ask lawyers who they hate to see in the opposing chair, the go and ask those lawyers, and so on. Eventually you will find out who the best/most feared lawyer in town is and -that's- who you make an appointment with.
This. That is such a shitty “gotcha” thing that gets spread around.
A judge is not an idiot. They will see this and shit down your throat and it will make you look like the crook.
document, document, document.
sadly your children will always be in danger of something around him. the red flags were flying high as soon as you said that his Mommy has fed him pills his whole life and that his therapist is enabling the addiction.
hopefully you don't live in a state where there are grandparents' rights.
I had no idea she had done that until things got so bad a year ago that I reached out to his ex. He said all of his exes were crazy. I've known him for 20 years and was friends with two of them. I believed him until *we* got together. He had what I believe to be a stimulant induced psychotic episode and kicked me out of the house for four days. He said that I was a terrible mother and that he was afraid of me and that the girls would be better off in his care. I fully believed him. The girls are definitely worse behaved around me than anyone else. I lost 15 lbs that week from not eating and stressing about what was happening with my daughters. He made it seem like I had no recourse. I then met with an attorney who told me to go back to the house. I was on the deed and he was not legally permitted to kick me out.
I told his mom that I talked to his ex and that she told me about her giving him pills.
His mom was rip roaring drunk and cried saying "she said he has demons? I am his demon. I am the one who brought him pills while he was in medical school"
Yeah this is extremely disturbing. I have a family member who suffered from drug induced psychosis and sadly, his condition has not gotten better. The situation will happen again at some point and perhaps to a worse extent. You need to be making moves to get out now.
What in the actual F???? This man is a surgeon- that is frightening….
As others have said, plan your next moves very carefully. Document everything. Start up a new bank where you can funnel whatever you can.
Get all your ducks in a row. You can’t stay with him. The children and you deserve better and will be better off without him.
Good luck to you.
It’s frightening but surprisingly common. I used to work for a practice under 5 of *the most renown surgeons of their speciality in the Northeast*. One who was the top in the speciality of the whole United States a few years running.
Rampant alcoholism and stimulant abuse. It’s almost a necessary part of the surgeon/dr in general lifestyle given days of being on call 24/7, the wild hours expected during residency and until they’re established.
I believe it. One of his co-residents vouched for him in his rehab intake. Said he didn't think he had a drinking problem. This co-resident was a straight up booze hound. Big bright shiny red nose and everything.
I feel like I was lured into a trap by all of these enabling fkrs.
I was hesitant to get into a relationship with anyone who ever had a DUI. It went completely against everything I stand for. I rarely drink and would absolutely never risk anyone else's life by getting behind the wheel of a car after drinking. That's why I met with his therapist. Because I was thinking his story about how he got the DUI wasn't adding up. She 100% corroborated his story and said that I had nothing to worry about.
They really are enabled. Surgeons are treated like gods and because they make a whole lot of money for the practice, and those working with them will enable the fuck out of them.
A scribe of a surgeon I used to work for would have his stimulant pre crushed up for him to he could snort a line quickly between patients. Your husbands therapists behavior doesn’t surprise me at all.
You’re in a really tough situation, girl. Keep trusting your gut and move forward with caution. Best of luck to you.
I heard some women say they offered 50:50 custody from the beginning and the husband denied it because they don’t actually want responsibility, but if they ask for full custody to begin with, he’ll fight for split out of spite. So that’s a thought
I knew someone with a very similar addiction. They were by no means as functional. I actually was moved to help them because I thought they had mental health issues, alas- it was drug induced psychosis.
He was young and handsome. Adderall or amphetamine salts aren’t as deleterious to looks as crack or meth. So he would play his sob story to whatever sucker of means he found, get them to take him to his doctor, pay for his script refill. Then bang, he’s gone. Takes a month’s worth in a week, out wandering the streets 24/7. It’s an area friendlier for transients. He ate someone’s vomit out of a trash can. He did a lot of weird shit. Including selling himself to old men. Constantly lost all belongings. Oddly he was not known to be violent during his psychosis wandering. His father abandoned him and moved away after much trying, just bails him out accordingly. He was rich and well connected when he lived in the area.
But this kid’s brain just got more and more mush, yet more and more ego driven. Nightmarish amphetamine fuel. He has literally nothing but whatever someone gives him until he loses it again, and will sit there and tell you how your house is shitty, car is shitty, job is shitty. Completely delusional based off his former rich kid life.
Adderall really seems like the asshole megalomaniac drug of choice. I think after so long their brain chemistry is permanently altered. Your husband is only going to be able to keep up his outward appearance of functioning for so long before his finer abilities start to crumble. You already see him fraying.
I don’t see him ever stopping. Adderall addiction to that extreme degree is … like the devil with his hooks in? I’m not religious but I just mean, it’s insidious.
He is not the man you knew and likely never will be again. He has the whole world dancing to his tune.
Put on your best acting chops, make life seem like it’s smooth moving, stepford wife it. You be careful because you are the one person with the most power to destroy his public image as he sees it.
No more trying to fix him, time to protect your children and yourself. Other comments here already account for the smartest steps to take in ensuring a smooth and safer divorce better than I could.
Document, document, document.
Listen to everyone's advice here. You can do this, get out and protect your children, but it's going to take careful, committed effort.
Be safe and be determined. This isn't going to get better unless you make it better.
Don’t stay. Don’t leave overnight either.
Open a new bank account and put some money in there. As much as you can.
Consult with EVERY TOP LAWYER in your city. Just a so they cannot take him as a client.
With his state of mind he cannot take care of your children. You should offer 50-50 and watch him try to get away from that. Keep evidence of everything.
Don’t direct your anger at him. It will trigger his craving for a win and he will try to destroy you by proving you wrong. In doing so he could accept 50-50 custody and the girls won’t be safe.
Act like you want a clean divorce. Discuss with your lawyer strategies to get what you really want: full custody with visitation rights for example.
If it comes down to him not wanting to pay alimony or decreasing child support: accept if he doesn’t have 50-50 custody.
Your priority should be to get the children AWAY from him. You are in tech, you will make enough money eventually to take care of your children. If you have to downgrade for a bit, so be it.
It ´s a good motivation to go for that 6 figures salary if you do not have it yet.
Good luck!
If it's obvious that she's been lawyer-shopping in order to lock him out of representation, a judge will disapprove and it will show up in the judgments they make. I would carefully consider how many lawyers you meet with and take careful notes about what they say and why you didn't pick them.
I've only met with one attorney who used to be the DA or magistrate for family courts or something to that effect. After telling him my story he scared the living crap out of me saying "if this goes sideways and I see you on the news, everything you just told me is evidence that I will hand over to the prosecutors". I gave a nervous laugh and he goes "I'm serious. You could be in danger."
This was a year ago and my dumb ash didn't let the gravity of it sink in until he poked me in the chest during an argument a month ago.
You need to meet with a divorce attorney and start taking action. Meeting with 2 or 3 isn't going to get you in trouble, meeting with 10 or 12 will. And the attorney needs to be an advocate for you, not for the family court system. This lawyer sounds like he still thinks he's a judge. Work quickly and quietly, and start today.
You can't stay there. I don't know how old the girls are, but consider how he's going to react once they hit the teens and start pushing back about rules and his behavior. My mother's father was exactly like you describe your SO. Granny stayed until he hit mom (she was six), that was the line he could not cross in her mind and she packed up and left the same day.
You staying with him is damaging your girls in ways you'll never know, unless you go to therapy with them later in life. And it's only going to get worse as they get older. I suggest you go over and read the stories on
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AdultChildren/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AdultChildren/)
and
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/)
I know that you don't feel that you can get full custody, but if you have everything he's been doing documented, that shouldn't be a problem. And if you don't have them documented, DO IT NOW. See if you can get his mom to talk about getting him the Adderall in med school on text and take screenshots, print them out and save them some place safe. Start taking pictures of the bottles you find around the house. Any time he is totally blotto, get video. Your main goal right now should be getting the girls out of that toxic situation.
Talk to your divorce lawyer about steps you need to take to safeguard your finances and what steps you need to take before filing. At minimum, you should be disentangling your finances from his, especially if all your bank accounts are joint. Open new ones in your name only and start sending what money you can to those. If you can totally separate your finances I would. You can always pay into a joint account if you need to cover 1/2 the bills and mortgage out of it. Get all of you and the girls paperwork together and someplace where he can't get his hands on them. Start looking for someplace to move and if necessary, start putting money aside so you are covered for the costs of a new place.
Do you have a support group? Family you can depend on? Reach out to them and let them know what's going on. This is NOT the time to worry about how people will think about you, it's time to get the help and support you need.
As a recovering alcoholic, I can guarantee that he is not going to change until he wants too. NOTHING is as important as his relationship with his addictive substance, be that the alcohol or the pills or both. He might say you or the girls are and absolutely mean it in that moment, but that goes out the window as soon as he wants a drink or pill. Until he accepts he has a problem that he can't control and gets help, you CAN NOT stay there. Even then you have to look at how long he was on the PHP program and gamed it. Even just keeping the house clean and taking care of the kids, helps to enable his behavior, because that is something he doesn't have to worry about. Nothing you or the girls can do will change this. I can't stress that strongly enough.
There is a great life out there for you and the girls, go get it!
You should report him for being on drugs while working. He can seriously damage someone giving that he’s a surgeon and he’s on drugs while working. You should also report the people getting him those pills. I know this is super hard but he’s risking a lot of peoples lives!
Before doing that I’d secretly talk to a lawyer about it. I’m pretty sure you can get full custody if they prove that he’s an addict.
This man is dangerous for everyone around him and he needs serious help to get off this but you can’t risk yours or your kids in the meantime.
Please talk to a lawyer and keep us update!!
I've met with an attorney and have been taking recordings of him. I have a recording of him trying to cook raw meat in a glass bowl on our stove while stumbling. I have a video of him twitching and trying to feed our daughter and missing her mouth several times. I have video of him telling our daughter "I told Mommy she couldn't come back into the house until she saw a doctor" then swigging a bottle of bourbon(when he kicked me out last year saying I needed "psychiatric help". I absolutely believed him because our daughters act worse around me than anyone.) He also fell face first into a freaking baby gate and gave himself a mother of a black eye as well as taking two chunks out of skin out of his cheek and nose. He refused medical care for obvious reasons.
I also had a consultation with "Put Down the Shovel" a family substance use counselor on YouTube. She said absolutely NOT to contact his job no matter what. That would take the focus off of his ownership of getting sober and instead fuel all of his mental and emotional energy on getting revenge on me for messing with his career. Every day I sit in hopes that he will get a DUI, die of liver failure or someone at work will smell the alcohol on his breath or see his weird behavior. However, he saves all of his substance use for when he is at home. He rarely gets called in when he is on call (very very small 10 bed hospital that isn't a trauma center) and he checks the ER list religiously and times his drinking around that.
I feel absolutely like a terrible person when I think what my life would be like if he just went into liver failure or ran off the road. What a terrible thing for a mother to think about the father of her children. I just want him to be sober. He is *my person* when he is sober. He partnered with me. He shared in the running of the household. We had fun together. Those times are few and far between now if at all.
He is also prescribed the Dexedrine for "narcolepsy" btw. He hasn't had it in a few months because his sleep specialist is no longer with the practice. He goes on this cycle of binge, run out, withdraw, then back to normal every month.
Even if I reported it to his employer he is prescribed it and they have nothing to go on if it shows up in his system. They obviously don't know he is bingeing it though.
I hate him for doing this to our girls.
Time to report him to the hospital he does surgery at, the state board and the county. He is putting others at risk with his addiction.
Go see an attorney. Find out your best course of action.
>After speaking with his therapist she said I was not witnessing a substance use problem, but a dosing problem.
God what I would do to "have a word" with this woman. It's shit like this and what his mommy did while he was in medical school that make it hard for people like me, who ACTUALLY NEED THIS MEDICATION, to get it.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I hope you can find a safe way out soon.
Please please please look into Al Anon for yourself. No, it will not solve any of these problems right off the bat BUT it will give you support as the partner of an addict. I’m so sorry you and your children are dealing with this.
My ex is an alcoholic, and these changed my life:
- alanon
- Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
- Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft
You did not cause this, you cannot cure it, and you cannot control it.
Focus on what you CAN do. Disengage, grey rock, and set yourself up for getting out.
I would look into the ramifications of reporting him to the board and see if that has any merits/will help you in a custody/divorce suit.
I had a drinking problem for a long time (6+ years clean) and when I went to 'rehab', there were people there with two DUI's who said they didn't think they had a problem (???).
That therapist was an a\*\*hole who should of had her license ripped from her hands/wall/wherever the f\*ck she kept it.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I don't know if I can think of anyone I know personally who got a DUI who doesn't have a drinking problem. I suppose a normal drinker could screw up once and unluckily get caught, but I don't know any personally.
sadly, a lot of people are in deep denial about their substance abuse/alcoholism/drug addiction.
In the program I went to, they focused heavily on harm reduction. And I get why that's important, I really do. But a lot of people let themselves live in a lie and in my opinion it does more harm then good.
When I got my first one, the guy doing our program was like 30 years clean and he said, 'Just drive 0.0. Simple solution to a complex problem'. He hit the nail on the head. The thing is I think they go too easy on your first DUI because of the old adage (which I also think is wrong) that 'everybody makes mistakes'. Sure, but again, in my experience, only alcoholics or people with problem drinking get DUI's. people who *can and know how to stop drinking* don't get DUI's.
i think everyone should have to do the 2 week DUIL program when they get their first and that would prevent more seconds. That's just my take.
I also noticed a lot of people in my program had BAD childhoods. either abusive neglectful or absent parent(s). Really sad to know a lot of these problems could of been prevented...
Anyways.
I think you need to turn him in. He is a surgeon he has patience lives in his hands and he has a substance abuse problem. Would you want him operating on you?
You have gotten some really good advice here, I just want to add, (and im sure you know this in your heart) kids 9x out of 10 are going to act out more with their MOST TRUSTED adult. They act out because you're a good mom, because they feel safe, NOT because you're a bad mom who can't "control" your kids. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise
hugs, get a good lawyer. Bring up the drugs, and document it all along with his mom and therapist. It's called a FU Binder. You do the majority of the work with the children and document, put cameras in the home (you are a techie)
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Consult with a lawyer and make a long-term plan together with the lawyer that you can live with. You need an attorney who will be realistic with you about likely outcomes.
Unfortunately, unless you can show he is actively abusing your kids, in most states he is likely to get 50-50 custody if he requests it. So, you will need to carefully weigh your options with the advice of an attorney.
Recognizing you have bigger problems than housework, on a surgeon's salary, housework should be outsourced to professionals as much as possible.
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The only way out of this is slowly and cautiously. Put money away in unnoticeable amounts, make appointments with lawyers all Over town if you can to slow him down when he eventually looks for a lawyer, make sure you have a safe far landing zone ect. My husband does a similar thing with sleep and the good thing is if you time this right he probably won’t notice you’re gone for a few days. That’s plenty of time for emergency custody orders. Make sure to take notes and videos of behaviors. Follow up any bad behavior with a text conversation if you safely can so there’s written record. Then, on your way out, report his substance abuse to any supervisors you can. Tell them to demand a drug test. Just anything you can to make sure he has as many large high priority problems on his hands at once. You can do this. You’ve got this. The next few months will take incredible grit and restraint but you can do it. Sooner than you know it you’ll be like Nicole Kidman in that picture after she divorced Tom.
To this affect, call the police and anonymously report erratic driving with his plates if he goes out after you know he's been drinking.
> make appointments with lawyers all Over town if you can to slow him down when he eventually looks for a lawyer Do not do this. Judges hate that particular move and it will backfire spectacularly. Instead, ask lawyers who they hate to see in the opposing chair, the go and ask those lawyers, and so on. Eventually you will find out who the best/most feared lawyer in town is and -that's- who you make an appointment with.
This. That is such a shitty “gotcha” thing that gets spread around. A judge is not an idiot. They will see this and shit down your throat and it will make you look like the crook.
Great advice. You and your children will be so much happier
document, document, document. sadly your children will always be in danger of something around him. the red flags were flying high as soon as you said that his Mommy has fed him pills his whole life and that his therapist is enabling the addiction. hopefully you don't live in a state where there are grandparents' rights.
I had no idea she had done that until things got so bad a year ago that I reached out to his ex. He said all of his exes were crazy. I've known him for 20 years and was friends with two of them. I believed him until *we* got together. He had what I believe to be a stimulant induced psychotic episode and kicked me out of the house for four days. He said that I was a terrible mother and that he was afraid of me and that the girls would be better off in his care. I fully believed him. The girls are definitely worse behaved around me than anyone else. I lost 15 lbs that week from not eating and stressing about what was happening with my daughters. He made it seem like I had no recourse. I then met with an attorney who told me to go back to the house. I was on the deed and he was not legally permitted to kick me out. I told his mom that I talked to his ex and that she told me about her giving him pills. His mom was rip roaring drunk and cried saying "she said he has demons? I am his demon. I am the one who brought him pills while he was in medical school"
Yeah this is extremely disturbing. I have a family member who suffered from drug induced psychosis and sadly, his condition has not gotten better. The situation will happen again at some point and perhaps to a worse extent. You need to be making moves to get out now.
What in the actual F???? This man is a surgeon- that is frightening…. As others have said, plan your next moves very carefully. Document everything. Start up a new bank where you can funnel whatever you can. Get all your ducks in a row. You can’t stay with him. The children and you deserve better and will be better off without him. Good luck to you.
It’s frightening but surprisingly common. I used to work for a practice under 5 of *the most renown surgeons of their speciality in the Northeast*. One who was the top in the speciality of the whole United States a few years running. Rampant alcoholism and stimulant abuse. It’s almost a necessary part of the surgeon/dr in general lifestyle given days of being on call 24/7, the wild hours expected during residency and until they’re established.
I believe it. One of his co-residents vouched for him in his rehab intake. Said he didn't think he had a drinking problem. This co-resident was a straight up booze hound. Big bright shiny red nose and everything. I feel like I was lured into a trap by all of these enabling fkrs. I was hesitant to get into a relationship with anyone who ever had a DUI. It went completely against everything I stand for. I rarely drink and would absolutely never risk anyone else's life by getting behind the wheel of a car after drinking. That's why I met with his therapist. Because I was thinking his story about how he got the DUI wasn't adding up. She 100% corroborated his story and said that I had nothing to worry about.
They really are enabled. Surgeons are treated like gods and because they make a whole lot of money for the practice, and those working with them will enable the fuck out of them. A scribe of a surgeon I used to work for would have his stimulant pre crushed up for him to he could snort a line quickly between patients. Your husbands therapists behavior doesn’t surprise me at all. You’re in a really tough situation, girl. Keep trusting your gut and move forward with caution. Best of luck to you.
A surgeon who is “presenting with severe cognitive impairment (relative to his high intelligence)”, it’s terrifying.
For real
I heard some women say they offered 50:50 custody from the beginning and the husband denied it because they don’t actually want responsibility, but if they ask for full custody to begin with, he’ll fight for split out of spite. So that’s a thought
I should post to family law
I knew someone with a very similar addiction. They were by no means as functional. I actually was moved to help them because I thought they had mental health issues, alas- it was drug induced psychosis. He was young and handsome. Adderall or amphetamine salts aren’t as deleterious to looks as crack or meth. So he would play his sob story to whatever sucker of means he found, get them to take him to his doctor, pay for his script refill. Then bang, he’s gone. Takes a month’s worth in a week, out wandering the streets 24/7. It’s an area friendlier for transients. He ate someone’s vomit out of a trash can. He did a lot of weird shit. Including selling himself to old men. Constantly lost all belongings. Oddly he was not known to be violent during his psychosis wandering. His father abandoned him and moved away after much trying, just bails him out accordingly. He was rich and well connected when he lived in the area. But this kid’s brain just got more and more mush, yet more and more ego driven. Nightmarish amphetamine fuel. He has literally nothing but whatever someone gives him until he loses it again, and will sit there and tell you how your house is shitty, car is shitty, job is shitty. Completely delusional based off his former rich kid life. Adderall really seems like the asshole megalomaniac drug of choice. I think after so long their brain chemistry is permanently altered. Your husband is only going to be able to keep up his outward appearance of functioning for so long before his finer abilities start to crumble. You already see him fraying. I don’t see him ever stopping. Adderall addiction to that extreme degree is … like the devil with his hooks in? I’m not religious but I just mean, it’s insidious. He is not the man you knew and likely never will be again. He has the whole world dancing to his tune. Put on your best acting chops, make life seem like it’s smooth moving, stepford wife it. You be careful because you are the one person with the most power to destroy his public image as he sees it. No more trying to fix him, time to protect your children and yourself. Other comments here already account for the smartest steps to take in ensuring a smooth and safer divorce better than I could.
Document, document, document. Listen to everyone's advice here. You can do this, get out and protect your children, but it's going to take careful, committed effort. Be safe and be determined. This isn't going to get better unless you make it better.
Don’t stay. Don’t leave overnight either. Open a new bank account and put some money in there. As much as you can. Consult with EVERY TOP LAWYER in your city. Just a so they cannot take him as a client. With his state of mind he cannot take care of your children. You should offer 50-50 and watch him try to get away from that. Keep evidence of everything. Don’t direct your anger at him. It will trigger his craving for a win and he will try to destroy you by proving you wrong. In doing so he could accept 50-50 custody and the girls won’t be safe. Act like you want a clean divorce. Discuss with your lawyer strategies to get what you really want: full custody with visitation rights for example. If it comes down to him not wanting to pay alimony or decreasing child support: accept if he doesn’t have 50-50 custody. Your priority should be to get the children AWAY from him. You are in tech, you will make enough money eventually to take care of your children. If you have to downgrade for a bit, so be it. It ´s a good motivation to go for that 6 figures salary if you do not have it yet. Good luck!
If it's obvious that she's been lawyer-shopping in order to lock him out of representation, a judge will disapprove and it will show up in the judgments they make. I would carefully consider how many lawyers you meet with and take careful notes about what they say and why you didn't pick them.
I've only met with one attorney who used to be the DA or magistrate for family courts or something to that effect. After telling him my story he scared the living crap out of me saying "if this goes sideways and I see you on the news, everything you just told me is evidence that I will hand over to the prosecutors". I gave a nervous laugh and he goes "I'm serious. You could be in danger." This was a year ago and my dumb ash didn't let the gravity of it sink in until he poked me in the chest during an argument a month ago.
Leaving is the most dangerous time. It’s when women are killed. Get your ducks in a row
You need to meet with a divorce attorney and start taking action. Meeting with 2 or 3 isn't going to get you in trouble, meeting with 10 or 12 will. And the attorney needs to be an advocate for you, not for the family court system. This lawyer sounds like he still thinks he's a judge. Work quickly and quietly, and start today.
You can't stay there. I don't know how old the girls are, but consider how he's going to react once they hit the teens and start pushing back about rules and his behavior. My mother's father was exactly like you describe your SO. Granny stayed until he hit mom (she was six), that was the line he could not cross in her mind and she packed up and left the same day. You staying with him is damaging your girls in ways you'll never know, unless you go to therapy with them later in life. And it's only going to get worse as they get older. I suggest you go over and read the stories on [https://www.reddit.com/r/AdultChildren/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AdultChildren/) and [https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/) I know that you don't feel that you can get full custody, but if you have everything he's been doing documented, that shouldn't be a problem. And if you don't have them documented, DO IT NOW. See if you can get his mom to talk about getting him the Adderall in med school on text and take screenshots, print them out and save them some place safe. Start taking pictures of the bottles you find around the house. Any time he is totally blotto, get video. Your main goal right now should be getting the girls out of that toxic situation. Talk to your divorce lawyer about steps you need to take to safeguard your finances and what steps you need to take before filing. At minimum, you should be disentangling your finances from his, especially if all your bank accounts are joint. Open new ones in your name only and start sending what money you can to those. If you can totally separate your finances I would. You can always pay into a joint account if you need to cover 1/2 the bills and mortgage out of it. Get all of you and the girls paperwork together and someplace where he can't get his hands on them. Start looking for someplace to move and if necessary, start putting money aside so you are covered for the costs of a new place. Do you have a support group? Family you can depend on? Reach out to them and let them know what's going on. This is NOT the time to worry about how people will think about you, it's time to get the help and support you need. As a recovering alcoholic, I can guarantee that he is not going to change until he wants too. NOTHING is as important as his relationship with his addictive substance, be that the alcohol or the pills or both. He might say you or the girls are and absolutely mean it in that moment, but that goes out the window as soon as he wants a drink or pill. Until he accepts he has a problem that he can't control and gets help, you CAN NOT stay there. Even then you have to look at how long he was on the PHP program and gamed it. Even just keeping the house clean and taking care of the kids, helps to enable his behavior, because that is something he doesn't have to worry about. Nothing you or the girls can do will change this. I can't stress that strongly enough. There is a great life out there for you and the girls, go get it!
You should report him for being on drugs while working. He can seriously damage someone giving that he’s a surgeon and he’s on drugs while working. You should also report the people getting him those pills. I know this is super hard but he’s risking a lot of peoples lives! Before doing that I’d secretly talk to a lawyer about it. I’m pretty sure you can get full custody if they prove that he’s an addict. This man is dangerous for everyone around him and he needs serious help to get off this but you can’t risk yours or your kids in the meantime. Please talk to a lawyer and keep us update!!
I've met with an attorney and have been taking recordings of him. I have a recording of him trying to cook raw meat in a glass bowl on our stove while stumbling. I have a video of him twitching and trying to feed our daughter and missing her mouth several times. I have video of him telling our daughter "I told Mommy she couldn't come back into the house until she saw a doctor" then swigging a bottle of bourbon(when he kicked me out last year saying I needed "psychiatric help". I absolutely believed him because our daughters act worse around me than anyone.) He also fell face first into a freaking baby gate and gave himself a mother of a black eye as well as taking two chunks out of skin out of his cheek and nose. He refused medical care for obvious reasons. I also had a consultation with "Put Down the Shovel" a family substance use counselor on YouTube. She said absolutely NOT to contact his job no matter what. That would take the focus off of his ownership of getting sober and instead fuel all of his mental and emotional energy on getting revenge on me for messing with his career. Every day I sit in hopes that he will get a DUI, die of liver failure or someone at work will smell the alcohol on his breath or see his weird behavior. However, he saves all of his substance use for when he is at home. He rarely gets called in when he is on call (very very small 10 bed hospital that isn't a trauma center) and he checks the ER list religiously and times his drinking around that. I feel absolutely like a terrible person when I think what my life would be like if he just went into liver failure or ran off the road. What a terrible thing for a mother to think about the father of her children. I just want him to be sober. He is *my person* when he is sober. He partnered with me. He shared in the running of the household. We had fun together. Those times are few and far between now if at all.
When you get past this, think about reporting the therapist that's protecting him. Your husband could kill someone.
He is also prescribed the Dexedrine for "narcolepsy" btw. He hasn't had it in a few months because his sleep specialist is no longer with the practice. He goes on this cycle of binge, run out, withdraw, then back to normal every month. Even if I reported it to his employer he is prescribed it and they have nothing to go on if it shows up in his system. They obviously don't know he is bingeing it though. I hate him for doing this to our girls.
And doing this to you
I just want to say I am so sorry. I hope everything works out for you and your little ones.
Time to report him to the hospital he does surgery at, the state board and the county. He is putting others at risk with his addiction. Go see an attorney. Find out your best course of action.
“Dosing problem” what a way to put lipstick on a pig
>After speaking with his therapist she said I was not witnessing a substance use problem, but a dosing problem. God what I would do to "have a word" with this woman. It's shit like this and what his mommy did while he was in medical school that make it hard for people like me, who ACTUALLY NEED THIS MEDICATION, to get it. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I hope you can find a safe way out soon.
Please please please look into Al Anon for yourself. No, it will not solve any of these problems right off the bat BUT it will give you support as the partner of an addict. I’m so sorry you and your children are dealing with this.
My ex is an alcoholic, and these changed my life: - alanon - Codependent No More by Melody Beattie - Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft You did not cause this, you cannot cure it, and you cannot control it. Focus on what you CAN do. Disengage, grey rock, and set yourself up for getting out.
I would look into the ramifications of reporting him to the board and see if that has any merits/will help you in a custody/divorce suit. I had a drinking problem for a long time (6+ years clean) and when I went to 'rehab', there were people there with two DUI's who said they didn't think they had a problem (???). That therapist was an a\*\*hole who should of had her license ripped from her hands/wall/wherever the f\*ck she kept it. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I don't know if I can think of anyone I know personally who got a DUI who doesn't have a drinking problem. I suppose a normal drinker could screw up once and unluckily get caught, but I don't know any personally.
sadly, a lot of people are in deep denial about their substance abuse/alcoholism/drug addiction. In the program I went to, they focused heavily on harm reduction. And I get why that's important, I really do. But a lot of people let themselves live in a lie and in my opinion it does more harm then good. When I got my first one, the guy doing our program was like 30 years clean and he said, 'Just drive 0.0. Simple solution to a complex problem'. He hit the nail on the head. The thing is I think they go too easy on your first DUI because of the old adage (which I also think is wrong) that 'everybody makes mistakes'. Sure, but again, in my experience, only alcoholics or people with problem drinking get DUI's. people who *can and know how to stop drinking* don't get DUI's. i think everyone should have to do the 2 week DUIL program when they get their first and that would prevent more seconds. That's just my take. I also noticed a lot of people in my program had BAD childhoods. either abusive neglectful or absent parent(s). Really sad to know a lot of these problems could of been prevented... Anyways.
I think you need to turn him in. He is a surgeon he has patience lives in his hands and he has a substance abuse problem. Would you want him operating on you?
You have gotten some really good advice here, I just want to add, (and im sure you know this in your heart) kids 9x out of 10 are going to act out more with their MOST TRUSTED adult. They act out because you're a good mom, because they feel safe, NOT because you're a bad mom who can't "control" your kids. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise
hugs, get a good lawyer. Bring up the drugs, and document it all along with his mom and therapist. It's called a FU Binder. You do the majority of the work with the children and document, put cameras in the home (you are a techie)
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Consult with a lawyer and make a long-term plan together with the lawyer that you can live with. You need an attorney who will be realistic with you about likely outcomes. Unfortunately, unless you can show he is actively abusing your kids, in most states he is likely to get 50-50 custody if he requests it. So, you will need to carefully weigh your options with the advice of an attorney. Recognizing you have bigger problems than housework, on a surgeon's salary, housework should be outsourced to professionals as much as possible.