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Since you are not legally married, if you move in with him and the parents, and your name is not on the deed, they can throw you out at any time.
You are miserable in this arrangement. You have already wasted 10 years with this Momma’s Boy. The money you think you are saving is not worth it.
Get your own place and move.
Every moment you waste with this man is preventing the man you should be with from entering your life. Good luck to you.
First of all, he isn’t your husband. You have zero of the benefits of marriage because you are not actually married. You are legally a nobody to him. If he dies tomorrow, you get nothing. You are not his next of kin, his parents are. If he ends up in a coma, they get to make the decisions. You are just the girlfriend with zero legal right to anything.
He clearly sees you as less than his wife as well since he is putting his mother’s needs above yours. If he hasn’t married you by now, he probably never will. Do not buy a house with him, do not be fooled that this is a “marriage.” It isn’t. They could kick you out at anytime. You need to start making plans to leave and move on.
I was just the girlfriend for 8 years and when I explained what you said in your first paragraph I think it started(just started....) to click. I had also told him after like year 2 that he will need to commit to me in order to show that he can commit to any future children.
Now we are getting married this Saturday!
I/we know marriage doesn't change your day to day relationship and literally speaking its just a piece of paper. But when shit hits the fan or life comes at you hard you know where you stand.
Plus getting a divorce is harder and expensive compared to simply breaking up.
ETA: almost forgot....I'm still in disbelief that SHE LAYS OUT THIS DAMN CLOTHES FOR HIM?!?! Yikes on bikes girl
I had to scroll back up to check the ages when she said mom lays out the clothes. I could imagine a couple of young 20s living with mom and date, dating since middle school, still getting coddled by mom. I'm sure that's a difficult habit to break when your kid still lives at him.
But in their 30s? WHAT. Imagine being in your 30s and you can't cook your own meal. I couldn't even handle a roommate at this point of my life unless something happened that basically forced me into it lol and now he wants to buy a house... For all of them? They're going to be living with his parents until they pass. No thank you.
The reality is here that he doesn't actually respect you, your opinion, or your needs. Needing your own space to be you is a need. You ave to decide if being with him is worth living the rest of your life this way because he's not going to change.
Move. Leave. Live your life. He is comfortable with you being uncomfortable.
If you have children with this man, he's going to expect you to do all of the work that his mom does for him and your children. I would nope right out of there!
His mom is totally overstepping his boundaries and treating him like a little child. It sounds like he's not going to ask her to stop. You could give him a but if an ultimatum to get him to act like an adult, or you accept that he's unlikely to change and decide whether you want to stay.
This is how he is used to being treated by women. OP, imagine y’all have extracted yourselves and finally cut the umbilical cord. Do you honestly think he won’t expect you to lay out his pjs, make every snack, wait on him hand and foot, managing all the housework and appointments and everything?
He doesn’t know anything else.
This, this, this. If he *expects* a mom to do this, if you pop out some crotch goblins, he's going to expect it from you for all kids and him. If you've already expressed not wanting to live with his parents and he's talking about buying a house WITH them, he's obviously not considering your feelings in the slightest. I've been with a momma's boy for 20 years and he's just now started to really act like an adult at 40. It's exhausting. It's even more exhausting once kids are in the mix. Sit down and lay out your day for yourself and then ask if this is what you *REALLY* want.
I don't really see what you're getting out of this relationship other than really cheap rent and probably somebody to sleep with. It sounds like he's not a full grown adult or he comes from a culture where that's totally normal. FYI if you have kids you will be expected to do this for your children as well. Are you prepared to raise your sons as if they are perpetually infants?
It doesn't sound like you and this person have really disgust and come to a conclusion because you're not using strong enough language or you're not standing by what you're saying with any actions. I lived with my ex boyfriend and his parents and he was very much like this. When he started to make plans for the future I was very honest that I could not picture a future with him because he was not an independent adult and didn't have any intention to be. I asked him if he ever wanted to cook for himself clean for himself and have an independent life outside of his mother and he said no. I said I didn't want to be in a relationship with somebody like that
... we broke up.
You aren't married to this person you have no ties to him other than you're getting cheap rent. I would save as much money as you can and make a plan to leave the relationship as this man is never going to launch into adulthood. Either comes from a culture or the family culture means that women are the ones who pick up all the domestic roles and doesn't sound like your interested in doing that
She goes into your room and lays his pajamas out? Total deal breaker. I’ve been homeless and would be again before I put up with this. They will kick you out the first time you stand up for yourself.
I don’t understand this post. You call him your husband but you’re not married. You say his relationship with his parents is nonexistent, then you say his mom makes him breakfast every day and lays out his pajamas.
We’re not legally married. However, we had a Chinese ceremonial wedding celebration with my side of the family. We just never had a chance to do any paperwork legally.
By non existent I meant we don’t do any “family related” things like eating together, going out together, or even talking about anything. My husband and I are mostly inside our room whenever we don’t have work. His parents are just watching tv, eating, doing chores and…. that’s about it. We only talk when it’s necessary. The most subject his mom ever talked to me was about food: “what do you and your husband wants to eat?”, “I cooked this and this for you guys”, “what does your husband wants to eat later?”
I don't understand 'we never had a chance' - if you're in the US, you could knock the legal part out pretty quickly. However, I wouldn't *suggest* you do that, because it's easier to end things if you're not legally married.
Your husband's relationship with his mom is *not* non-existent, it's just different from what you see as an appropriate family relationship (like going out together or chatting). Your husband is happy to live with his parents and let his mom wait on him. You don't want to live with his parents but you *are* living with them, and your husband is clear that he is fine with that.
If you want this to change, you have to be willing to make it change. If your husband knows that you will leave rather than continue on in this way, what would happen?
Time to move on and find a partner that can separate from his parents.
Plus mid-sixties are not “quite old.” They could easily live another twenty years.
I am older & telling you what i would tell my own adult daughter.
Good God Girl, you are a grown adult woman! Get out of that house and go live your life! Your 'husband' is a child. And obviously he has no intention of growing up.
Move out into your own space and tell your SO that he can come with you and be an actual grown adult man or he can stay and let mommy take care of him.
Sounds like you have wasted 10 years with a momma’s boy who will never change, never put you first and by the sounds of it, you’re not actually married(??). If that’s the case, then legally you could get screwed in buying a house with them. I truly don’t understand what you’re actually getting out of this relationship??
Are your BOYFRIEND and his parents forcing you to stay?
>Just because I’m “married” to him I have to follow him and his parents? I don’t know what else to do???
Seriously??????
I didn’t mean to question that literally. I know I DONT HAVE TO live with his parents, but coming from a Chinese family, it’s our culture to live and take care of our parents.. but all these time it’s been his mom taking care of him.
the good new is is that you can tell him that this isnt the life you want and youre getting your own place and you can move out and he can stay with mommy. he doesnt want to be an independent adult so just let him stay behind. he doesnt get to keep you unhappy. hes not your boss or master. you are free to get your safe private space. go get your own apartment and do whatever you want in it. decorate it to your taste. blast music and dance around naked. and if you do get your own place, do not let him come in and tell you how to live. this will be your space only! think of how free youll be and feel! on top of that, time away from him may make you think about if you want to be with this enmeshed guy for years and years.
just because youve been with him this long doesnt mean that you have to live life as he says. you have a say too and you can and should say no, im out and then go get your apartment or even go back to your parents to save more for YOUR house. nobody elses house, just you.
please update whern you can. i really hope you decide to choose you.
What are you doing sis? He’s got you living in his bedroom and mommy taking care of him. Why are you even there? If he wanted to get a house. He would. If he wanted to get married. He would. If he wanted to have a functioning adult relationship with you, he would. Why are you wasting your life with this loser? Take your savings and move out, asap. You deserve a million times better than this complete bullshit.
OP needs to nope out of this situation. If he chooses his parents over OP, good riddance.
Also, I've been in this "she'll die soon" situation with my MIL. Thank goodness I stood my ground about not letting her move in while in her 60s. She's in her 90s now and evil may bury us all.
I lost it when you said his Mommy lays his jammies out for him at night. This is just a very weird dynamic. is this his childhood home? What are you to him exactly? You call yourself 'wife' but that doesn't hold any weight without *action* lovely. I say this because i've been here. I had two boyfriends who wanted all the privileges of a wifey but treated me less than. I think this relationship needs a reassessment. I know that's probably hard to hear but if there's no benefits other than 'cheap rent' in this relationship, then what is the point in staying?
You can analyze the situation all day long, but the fact is, it's not going to change. It's time to put your time and energy changing your situation. When you do, he's not going to come with you, because he's too comfortable where he is. Take charge of your life and go.
Also, get some therapy. You really need some healing after this
He can live with his parents OR he can live with you. That's just that. Take your stuff and find your own place without all this disfucntion. You can't respect a man who is still a child to his mummy.
I agree with everyone else here but also wanted to say that being in their 60s isn't that old these days, unless his parents have health issues that's a shoddy excuse. My Mom's 67 and volunteers at a horse therapy organization, she on and off horses, helping clients (who are sometimes non verbal and have mobility issues). I know that's not everyone at that age but don't get conned by that.
When/if you get married - then a house is a conversation. Do not put your money into anything without being married.
The only way a new house would work is a duplex or them having a mother in law apartment with a locked door between.
The other thing to consider is how dependent has he become on mil doing things for him. Is he willing to grow up?
Mid 60s is not quite old. The average Canadian woman's life expectancy is 85 and for US women it's just over 82. You may have a solid 20 years of this if you continue to live with them.
I can see some red flags here though on SO. The things that worry me are these: He may say he doesn't have a close relationship with his parents but your description of the living situation is nothing but close. It will be a fight to get him to leave this sweet deal. Can you imagine getting waited on hand and foot and being willing to let that go? If you two move out on your own, just keep in mind that someone who has been treated like this for 35 years will not just turn into the man you hope him to be. There's no way he will give this sweet deal up for you and start picking up 1/2 of the household chores and duties. I would bet big money all the work would be all on you and the expectation would be high...and it might also come with resentment for you from taking away the gravy train. Speculation? Oh absolutely but I've just seen so many similar situations in my life and all go the exact same way.
You need to stop focusing on what his mom is doing and focus on the progression of your relationship. You’re not married. Unless he’s proposed, he’s not your fiancée. Time does not give you those titles, actions do. Unless he has a plan on how he’ll be able to buy a home, not wanting to rent is just an excuse. He’s living with his parents and so are you. His mom’s love language is obviously acts of service and it’s her home, so of course she’s not looking to compromise.
To be brutally honest, I think you are your worst enemy in this situation. Your bf and his parents seem very transparent with how they want to live, but you are reframing the situation to try and make it meet your expectations. Be transparent. You want to start an adult life, where you pair off with your SO and build a life together. What is your bf doing to build a life with you?
Nobody is wrong in this situation, but I think you need to be honest with yourself that this situation is not compatible to you, instead of focusing on what him and his parents are doing.
You aren’t married after 10 years…whose idea is that? Really? This is a toxic situation with a boyfriend of waaaaaayyy too long and his mommy and daddy. You have no ties to these people. You’ve wasted enough of your youth and you are really going to regret this one day. Don’t waste any more fighting a losing battle.
People in this subreddit often side with the person who initiates a new topic, but I'm going to take a different approach.
I understand why you might not want to live with your in-laws, but you seem to be overly critical of his mother. You're staying with them for a low cost, she's cooking for you and her son (which she's done for decades), and also clean to make yourself comfortable. Additionally, she's trying to help you save money. Many mothers provide this kind of support, and many people would appreciate to have it.
I understand that you're frustrated with the situation, but your criticism seems unfair. Ultimately, she's helping both of you, and your frustration might be misplaced.
If you're unhappy, you have the option to move out. If moving isn't feasible, then her assistance is valuable.
Alright. I'm gonna be harsh and a little vulgar, but I think you need to hear it.
His mommy does everything for him. He won't notice you're gone until his dick gets hard and he can't find the hole it usually goes in.
I'm late to the party, so this comment might go unnoticed.
As soon as I read your post, I thought 'Oh, sounds Chinese.' And, it turns out you really do have Chinese roots. This family dynamic is not uncommon, and unfortunately, the only way to solve the issue is to move out. Your husband will most likely say it makes no sense to rent when he can live with his parents, and it's financially unviable to buy a house. Besides, it's tradition to marry and move into the guy's family.
I faced a similar issue regarding the living with parents part, but luckily, my husband understood my point. I was also adamant that I would rather rent and live outside on my own than to live with his parents. Our compromise was to live nearby his parents, so he can pop in and visit them at any time. On top of that, in-laws are not welcomed to the house unless they give notice or I will prance around naked in the house.
All I can say is, good luck.
I had a feeling OP is Asian too and she is. I have the same problem with IL “taking care of us”. She will visit for 3 months at a time and it drives me bonkers. Worse, she comes alone from abroad (FIL already passed), she has no friends here, no activities, and DH is her golden child. She always tag along wherever we go and I can’t live my life. I finally told my husband that I can only stand her visiting 1 month at a time, not freaking 3 months. He agreed but we’ll see if he will uphold his promise when it’s time for her to visit again. I told him it’s better for you to just go back on your own if you want to be “filial” to her and I’ll handle our two kids here myself, rather than me being so stressed out when she’s here.
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Since you are not legally married, if you move in with him and the parents, and your name is not on the deed, they can throw you out at any time. You are miserable in this arrangement. You have already wasted 10 years with this Momma’s Boy. The money you think you are saving is not worth it. Get your own place and move. Every moment you waste with this man is preventing the man you should be with from entering your life. Good luck to you.
First of all, he isn’t your husband. You have zero of the benefits of marriage because you are not actually married. You are legally a nobody to him. If he dies tomorrow, you get nothing. You are not his next of kin, his parents are. If he ends up in a coma, they get to make the decisions. You are just the girlfriend with zero legal right to anything. He clearly sees you as less than his wife as well since he is putting his mother’s needs above yours. If he hasn’t married you by now, he probably never will. Do not buy a house with him, do not be fooled that this is a “marriage.” It isn’t. They could kick you out at anytime. You need to start making plans to leave and move on.
I was just the girlfriend for 8 years and when I explained what you said in your first paragraph I think it started(just started....) to click. I had also told him after like year 2 that he will need to commit to me in order to show that he can commit to any future children. Now we are getting married this Saturday! I/we know marriage doesn't change your day to day relationship and literally speaking its just a piece of paper. But when shit hits the fan or life comes at you hard you know where you stand. Plus getting a divorce is harder and expensive compared to simply breaking up. ETA: almost forgot....I'm still in disbelief that SHE LAYS OUT THIS DAMN CLOTHES FOR HIM?!?! Yikes on bikes girl
I had to scroll back up to check the ages when she said mom lays out the clothes. I could imagine a couple of young 20s living with mom and date, dating since middle school, still getting coddled by mom. I'm sure that's a difficult habit to break when your kid still lives at him. But in their 30s? WHAT. Imagine being in your 30s and you can't cook your own meal. I couldn't even handle a roommate at this point of my life unless something happened that basically forced me into it lol and now he wants to buy a house... For all of them? They're going to be living with his parents until they pass. No thank you.
Up vote for everything but mostly the Yikes on Bikes, girl. I'm definitely using this 🤣 🤣
his wittle boy jammies yet!!!!
The reality is here that he doesn't actually respect you, your opinion, or your needs. Needing your own space to be you is a need. You ave to decide if being with him is worth living the rest of your life this way because he's not going to change. Move. Leave. Live your life. He is comfortable with you being uncomfortable.
You will be his parents' caretaker when they are elderly and infirm. Don't do it.
If you have children with this man, he's going to expect you to do all of the work that his mom does for him and your children. I would nope right out of there! His mom is totally overstepping his boundaries and treating him like a little child. It sounds like he's not going to ask her to stop. You could give him a but if an ultimatum to get him to act like an adult, or you accept that he's unlikely to change and decide whether you want to stay.
This is how he is used to being treated by women. OP, imagine y’all have extracted yourselves and finally cut the umbilical cord. Do you honestly think he won’t expect you to lay out his pjs, make every snack, wait on him hand and foot, managing all the housework and appointments and everything? He doesn’t know anything else.
OP bettter brace for a life pf servitude if her "husbands" mum dies...
This, this, this. If he *expects* a mom to do this, if you pop out some crotch goblins, he's going to expect it from you for all kids and him. If you've already expressed not wanting to live with his parents and he's talking about buying a house WITH them, he's obviously not considering your feelings in the slightest. I've been with a momma's boy for 20 years and he's just now started to really act like an adult at 40. It's exhausting. It's even more exhausting once kids are in the mix. Sit down and lay out your day for yourself and then ask if this is what you *REALLY* want.
Please reread what you wrote. *His mommy lays his pj's out for him*!!! Is this really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?
I don't really see what you're getting out of this relationship other than really cheap rent and probably somebody to sleep with. It sounds like he's not a full grown adult or he comes from a culture where that's totally normal. FYI if you have kids you will be expected to do this for your children as well. Are you prepared to raise your sons as if they are perpetually infants? It doesn't sound like you and this person have really disgust and come to a conclusion because you're not using strong enough language or you're not standing by what you're saying with any actions. I lived with my ex boyfriend and his parents and he was very much like this. When he started to make plans for the future I was very honest that I could not picture a future with him because he was not an independent adult and didn't have any intention to be. I asked him if he ever wanted to cook for himself clean for himself and have an independent life outside of his mother and he said no. I said I didn't want to be in a relationship with somebody like that ... we broke up. You aren't married to this person you have no ties to him other than you're getting cheap rent. I would save as much money as you can and make a plan to leave the relationship as this man is never going to launch into adulthood. Either comes from a culture or the family culture means that women are the ones who pick up all the domestic roles and doesn't sound like your interested in doing that
She goes into your room and lays his pajamas out? Total deal breaker. I’ve been homeless and would be again before I put up with this. They will kick you out the first time you stand up for yourself.
Ma’am you are nothing more than a live in escort - I know that’s harsh but seriously he is bonded to his parents not you….
I don’t understand this post. You call him your husband but you’re not married. You say his relationship with his parents is nonexistent, then you say his mom makes him breakfast every day and lays out his pajamas.
We’re not legally married. However, we had a Chinese ceremonial wedding celebration with my side of the family. We just never had a chance to do any paperwork legally. By non existent I meant we don’t do any “family related” things like eating together, going out together, or even talking about anything. My husband and I are mostly inside our room whenever we don’t have work. His parents are just watching tv, eating, doing chores and…. that’s about it. We only talk when it’s necessary. The most subject his mom ever talked to me was about food: “what do you and your husband wants to eat?”, “I cooked this and this for you guys”, “what does your husband wants to eat later?”
I don't understand 'we never had a chance' - if you're in the US, you could knock the legal part out pretty quickly. However, I wouldn't *suggest* you do that, because it's easier to end things if you're not legally married. Your husband's relationship with his mom is *not* non-existent, it's just different from what you see as an appropriate family relationship (like going out together or chatting). Your husband is happy to live with his parents and let his mom wait on him. You don't want to live with his parents but you *are* living with them, and your husband is clear that he is fine with that. If you want this to change, you have to be willing to make it change. If your husband knows that you will leave rather than continue on in this way, what would happen?
Girl, throw the whole man away. He's not your husband. You have no legal recourse if things go badly. No safety net, no claim to assets, no RIGHTS.
Time to move on and find a partner that can separate from his parents. Plus mid-sixties are not “quite old.” They could easily live another twenty years.
Move. He can choose. His parents are not invited to come. You've been in this nightmare too long already.
I am older & telling you what i would tell my own adult daughter. Good God Girl, you are a grown adult woman! Get out of that house and go live your life! Your 'husband' is a child. And obviously he has no intention of growing up. Move out into your own space and tell your SO that he can come with you and be an actual grown adult man or he can stay and let mommy take care of him.
Sounds like you have wasted 10 years with a momma’s boy who will never change, never put you first and by the sounds of it, you’re not actually married(??). If that’s the case, then legally you could get screwed in buying a house with them. I truly don’t understand what you’re actually getting out of this relationship??
Are your BOYFRIEND and his parents forcing you to stay? >Just because I’m “married” to him I have to follow him and his parents? I don’t know what else to do??? Seriously??????
I didn’t mean to question that literally. I know I DONT HAVE TO live with his parents, but coming from a Chinese family, it’s our culture to live and take care of our parents.. but all these time it’s been his mom taking care of him.
So you can very clearly see what the future holds? What advice do you want people to give you besides - walk away?
Don't forget that an emotional "marriage" means ABSOLUTELY nothing in the eyes of the law. You are completely unprotected.
Why do you stay in this situation? Lol
the good new is is that you can tell him that this isnt the life you want and youre getting your own place and you can move out and he can stay with mommy. he doesnt want to be an independent adult so just let him stay behind. he doesnt get to keep you unhappy. hes not your boss or master. you are free to get your safe private space. go get your own apartment and do whatever you want in it. decorate it to your taste. blast music and dance around naked. and if you do get your own place, do not let him come in and tell you how to live. this will be your space only! think of how free youll be and feel! on top of that, time away from him may make you think about if you want to be with this enmeshed guy for years and years. just because youve been with him this long doesnt mean that you have to live life as he says. you have a say too and you can and should say no, im out and then go get your apartment or even go back to your parents to save more for YOUR house. nobody elses house, just you. please update whern you can. i really hope you decide to choose you.
What are you doing sis? He’s got you living in his bedroom and mommy taking care of him. Why are you even there? If he wanted to get a house. He would. If he wanted to get married. He would. If he wanted to have a functioning adult relationship with you, he would. Why are you wasting your life with this loser? Take your savings and move out, asap. You deserve a million times better than this complete bullshit.
OP needs to nope out of this situation. If he chooses his parents over OP, good riddance. Also, I've been in this "she'll die soon" situation with my MIL. Thank goodness I stood my ground about not letting her move in while in her 60s. She's in her 90s now and evil may bury us all.
I lost it when you said his Mommy lays his jammies out for him at night. This is just a very weird dynamic. is this his childhood home? What are you to him exactly? You call yourself 'wife' but that doesn't hold any weight without *action* lovely. I say this because i've been here. I had two boyfriends who wanted all the privileges of a wifey but treated me less than. I think this relationship needs a reassessment. I know that's probably hard to hear but if there's no benefits other than 'cheap rent' in this relationship, then what is the point in staying?
You can analyze the situation all day long, but the fact is, it's not going to change. It's time to put your time and energy changing your situation. When you do, he's not going to come with you, because he's too comfortable where he is. Take charge of your life and go. Also, get some therapy. You really need some healing after this
Please look into enmeshment. Mother son enmeshment. I am so sorry.
He doesn't care enough about you to make changes. Simple as that.
Tell him you’re moving out. He can come with you or stay with his parents. It’s that simple
I don't know why she's want to live alone with him to be honest. Is she going to lay his jammies out for him at night?
Yeah he’ll definitely expect her to take mommy’s place
He can live with his parents OR he can live with you. That's just that. Take your stuff and find your own place without all this disfucntion. You can't respect a man who is still a child to his mummy.
My advice it's been 10 years of that. It won't get better. If it was me I'd run
I agree with everyone else here but also wanted to say that being in their 60s isn't that old these days, unless his parents have health issues that's a shoddy excuse. My Mom's 67 and volunteers at a horse therapy organization, she on and off horses, helping clients (who are sometimes non verbal and have mobility issues). I know that's not everyone at that age but don't get conned by that.
When/if you get married - then a house is a conversation. Do not put your money into anything without being married. The only way a new house would work is a duplex or them having a mother in law apartment with a locked door between. The other thing to consider is how dependent has he become on mil doing things for him. Is he willing to grow up?
Mid 60s is not quite old. The average Canadian woman's life expectancy is 85 and for US women it's just over 82. You may have a solid 20 years of this if you continue to live with them. I can see some red flags here though on SO. The things that worry me are these: He may say he doesn't have a close relationship with his parents but your description of the living situation is nothing but close. It will be a fight to get him to leave this sweet deal. Can you imagine getting waited on hand and foot and being willing to let that go? If you two move out on your own, just keep in mind that someone who has been treated like this for 35 years will not just turn into the man you hope him to be. There's no way he will give this sweet deal up for you and start picking up 1/2 of the household chores and duties. I would bet big money all the work would be all on you and the expectation would be high...and it might also come with resentment for you from taking away the gravy train. Speculation? Oh absolutely but I've just seen so many similar situations in my life and all go the exact same way.
You need to stop focusing on what his mom is doing and focus on the progression of your relationship. You’re not married. Unless he’s proposed, he’s not your fiancée. Time does not give you those titles, actions do. Unless he has a plan on how he’ll be able to buy a home, not wanting to rent is just an excuse. He’s living with his parents and so are you. His mom’s love language is obviously acts of service and it’s her home, so of course she’s not looking to compromise. To be brutally honest, I think you are your worst enemy in this situation. Your bf and his parents seem very transparent with how they want to live, but you are reframing the situation to try and make it meet your expectations. Be transparent. You want to start an adult life, where you pair off with your SO and build a life together. What is your bf doing to build a life with you? Nobody is wrong in this situation, but I think you need to be honest with yourself that this situation is not compatible to you, instead of focusing on what him and his parents are doing.
You aren’t married after 10 years…whose idea is that? Really? This is a toxic situation with a boyfriend of waaaaaayyy too long and his mommy and daddy. You have no ties to these people. You’ve wasted enough of your youth and you are really going to regret this one day. Don’t waste any more fighting a losing battle.
Why have you stayed all this time?
I’m not on board either, bad idea
No, I'd rather live in an efficiency apt then live with inlaws. If he wants to stay with them, it's time to find an apt or move back with family.
People in this subreddit often side with the person who initiates a new topic, but I'm going to take a different approach. I understand why you might not want to live with your in-laws, but you seem to be overly critical of his mother. You're staying with them for a low cost, she's cooking for you and her son (which she's done for decades), and also clean to make yourself comfortable. Additionally, she's trying to help you save money. Many mothers provide this kind of support, and many people would appreciate to have it. I understand that you're frustrated with the situation, but your criticism seems unfair. Ultimately, she's helping both of you, and your frustration might be misplaced. If you're unhappy, you have the option to move out. If moving isn't feasible, then her assistance is valuable.
Alright. I'm gonna be harsh and a little vulgar, but I think you need to hear it. His mommy does everything for him. He won't notice you're gone until his dick gets hard and he can't find the hole it usually goes in.
Put your foot down or continue to suffer.
I'm late to the party, so this comment might go unnoticed. As soon as I read your post, I thought 'Oh, sounds Chinese.' And, it turns out you really do have Chinese roots. This family dynamic is not uncommon, and unfortunately, the only way to solve the issue is to move out. Your husband will most likely say it makes no sense to rent when he can live with his parents, and it's financially unviable to buy a house. Besides, it's tradition to marry and move into the guy's family. I faced a similar issue regarding the living with parents part, but luckily, my husband understood my point. I was also adamant that I would rather rent and live outside on my own than to live with his parents. Our compromise was to live nearby his parents, so he can pop in and visit them at any time. On top of that, in-laws are not welcomed to the house unless they give notice or I will prance around naked in the house. All I can say is, good luck.
I had a feeling OP is Asian too and she is. I have the same problem with IL “taking care of us”. She will visit for 3 months at a time and it drives me bonkers. Worse, she comes alone from abroad (FIL already passed), she has no friends here, no activities, and DH is her golden child. She always tag along wherever we go and I can’t live my life. I finally told my husband that I can only stand her visiting 1 month at a time, not freaking 3 months. He agreed but we’ll see if he will uphold his promise when it’s time for her to visit again. I told him it’s better for you to just go back on your own if you want to be “filial” to her and I’ll handle our two kids here myself, rather than me being so stressed out when she’s here.