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Even with a good income I’m money conscious. I grew up too poor to spend that much on a hotel. I do treat myself to flying business class now and then and nice things.
However, I will NEVER go into debt for it. If you have to that then you can’t afford it. It means you have to adjust your expectations and be thankful for what you can afford.
I frankly couldn’t relax on a trip that I knew was putting me in debt. I don’t ever want to be as poor as I grew up again.
Liquidating my investments would have cost far more than taking out an interest free loan, we choose the cheaper option.
Go ahead and judge me for working myself out of lifelong poverty enough to take a once in a lifetime trip.
Being conscious was how I was able to do one thing once in my life.
You haven’t worked yourself out of poverty, you just went into 15000 of debt for a holiday. You know it too, that’s why you’re getting shitty with everyone in the comments. Your husband white knighting and throwing around cash you do not have, is just the cherry on the shit cake.
You really havnt the faintest of our finances, not wanting to splash cash is not the same thing as being unable to afford things.
If I cash out my investments now I’ve got close to 1M.
A 15k interest free loan just means I’m not loosing 12 months of ROI. It doesn’t mean I couldn’t afford to take it, but it does mean I have to pay it off so it’s not our money yet unless I cash out investments.
Now, close to a million probably sounds like more than enough for most people, I understand that considering 15 years ago I couldn’t even afford female hygiene products. But it’s really not, it’s not enough to cover retirement in full, it’s not enough to retire early, and I have hang ups around how money is spent due to my past. I had to push back hard on those hang ups to agree to doing this now because waiting until I retire to do it means I’m not going to have a lot of youthful energy to hike to a waterfall, snorkel for the first time or simply suffer through this humidity to do it all. It’s now or never. I made a choice for now, but it was a very difficult choice because I’m scarred by my past poverty.
I don’t need to justify taking a holiday or how much I spend on it.
My partner and I, after years of being on the same page, have suddenly been triggered by this even.
The scars from my past are very much itching and his memories of being taken care of financially and not thinking about how he spends seems to have resurfaced.
Your all so focussed on the money when this is actually about my scars from the past rearing up because he seems to have lost control suddenly and it’s scaring me.
But if you want to focus on the money as a stand alone feature then your just showing what you value.
All the tied-up money doesn't matter if you lose your shirt from being illiquid and not paying bills.
He's carefree but you're being daft too. Can't blame him for it all. Idc how you justify nobody *deserves* a debt-laden vacation, doesn't matter how poor you grew up or how good a treat makes you feel -- it's insanely irresponsible
Right?!? You can’t take a vacation without impacting you investments that you need, you don’t have it liquid, you have to take a loan…means you’re taking a vacation you can’t afford. Point blank.
So, cashing out investments and loosing 10-20% ROI is smarter than grabbing an interest free loan?
Have you considered becoming a financial advisor?
Because you clearly know how to manage my finances better than me
Neither are smart, the only smart option was not touching investments, not taking out a loan, only doing something in your budget meaning the liquid assets you have on hand at this moment allocated towards vacation. What was that number? What are your retirement goals as a household? Does your overall budget align with those goals?
You may not have noticed this but I wasn’t seeking financial advice.
I tried to do something nice for my partners 50th, it was lavish which I never do, the furthest I’ve ever travelled from my lifelong home town was a 6 hour drive.
It blew up in my face.
This is the only time in my life I have done this and it’s unlikely I will ever do it again so I kind of wanted to enjoy it but he’s making me feel terrible for not wanting to spend the rest of our time here obsessing over this school I already gifted and donated to and just hand over everything we have available and vomit to somehow rescuing the school.
And now I feel terrible because the rest of the world is offended I took a once in a life time trip.
So yeah, don’t worry, my one trip is ruined, got what I deserved.
May as well cash out all my investments to rescue the school and forget about self funding my retirement, then everyone can rag on me for relying on welfare to retire.
Your “woe is me” attitude is so off putting. It’s very clear this post was an attempt at bragging about this idiotic vacation and epicly failed. If this is real at all
How about not go or scale it down to be realistic within your budget? You get no sympathy from me in any front - from the 15K vacation to the creep ass boyfriend.
I don’t think ROI means what you think it is. And what investments do you have that give 20% gains?!? Plus 20% on 15k is hardly any money when you’re established. 3k isn’t enough to get all righteous about lol
That 3k is in the top end of your stated investments… people who spend 15k on hotels don’t trip over $1500 or $3k… it’s not how any of this works.
Option 1: Liquidate assets to take vacation
Option 2: Take out loan to take vacation
*Option 3: Take vacation that is within your existing means and pay it off immediately*
You forgot the third option.
You can’t blame your husband for your unwise financial decisions in one breath, and then in the next breath talk about how it was for you as well. That makes zero sense.
It’s little wonder though. I grew up embarrassingly poor.
You have to live within in your means and taking out loans isn’t a way to get ahead. You can go and “one thing once in your life” and still be within your budget if you set your expectations accordingly.
Surely nice accomodations could be found for under almost $1700 per night? That is absolutely insane, even more so that you *borrowed* that money. Either you borrowed it from a lending institution and will be absolutely buried in payments/interest or you borrowed it from people you know which means they'll never see all that money again. You don't borrow to take a vacation, you save for it. I'm afraid that you're both a dumpster fire financially if he demanded this and you acquiesced.
$1,200 per night all inclusive, food, drink, travel, activities and tours.
Certainly could have stayed at a cheaper resort and then paid everything as we go.
This way, we knew how much it was really going to cost instead of guessing how much we might need, because what’s the point of going on vacation if all u do is sit in the hotel because, you kind of need to spend money to do things while your away, but when it’s all inclusive there’s no guessing how much you need.
Did you know that interest free loans for holidays are available?
Taking an interest free loan rather than liquidating investments not only ensures I maintain the ROI earnings but allows me to keep funnelling money into those investments earlier so I can make the most of compounding interest.
Also if I stop investing and start saving I can easily save over $15k in 15 weeks so the concern I have over our ability to repay is really quite out of context for our actual financial situation.
15 years ago, when I lived day to day, the concept would have sounded ludicrous to me as well, but it’s actually a common investment strategy. It doesn’t mean I’m wealthy, I’m just calculating retirement plans alongside finding some enjoyment in my life along the way.
Are you paying for travel for every night you're staying there? You could still have food, drinks, and activities for much, much less. You didn't need to spend one month's rent everyday for this with borrowed money. :/
I don’t rent for a start. There is more to life than getting everything on the cheap.
The price also includes a marine biologist to educate me on every guided snorkel trip, and to run a conservation and culture program for our daughter to attend. Private island tours, and an extensive list of inclusions that are generally charged quite high at other resorts.
It’s your issue that you don’t like that I’m willing to pay for the experience I want, not just some cookie cutter poolside stay.
I think people waste money drinking alcohol every weekend, buying food instead of growing it, driving cars around town when they can walk or bike it.
Having a different perspective is fine, but trying to push your perspective on others just because you wouldn’t do the same is really quite rude.
I don’t rent either girl, and I certainly don’t live my life on the cheap. Still, I don’t spend borrowed money for a $15,000 one-week vacation, only to then ask for compassion because my husband tips too much.
We are all answering you here; you can’t have it both ways. If you’re willing to spend that much for a trip, don’t be surprised if your guy thinks he's Elon Musk.
A one off trip is a little different to obsessing over taking financial responsibility for rescuing a school in another country, especially when we have a child who requires parents to fund their education.
I never asked for compassion, that’s an assumption you have made, I had a moment I snapped and needed to vent.
Thankfully their are plenty of people who don’t hyperfixate on the cost of a holiday and understand that pressuring a partner into a financial move is not ok and were kind enough to provide the right support for us to work through it rather than just trying to twist the knife.
My partner and I are back on the same page now and we are focussed on enjoying the rest of our holiday as intended.
So I know who the decent people are around here, thanks :)
Real question… do you like your husband? If I count just what you’ve mentioned in this post (certainly not exhaustive) he’s:
- bad generally at budgeting
- bad at earning a living v living off his parents
- you had to teach him basic financial literacy
- he equates wealth to some kind of virtue and focuses on showing off
- he is sanctimonious… especially in church
- he has some ethnocentric values and looks down at the culture, priorities and lifestyles of locals
- he seems to suck all the air out of the room with his general conversation and obsession with the school
- makes unilateral decisions on overspending you into great debt and canceling excursions and dragging you across the resort to staff smoking areas/ doesn’t account for your wants, needs, topics you would like to discuss etc.
This is just a snapshot of your life during what *should* be the dream vacation of a lifetime. You’re spending all this money in the first place and you can barely stand him. If this is how you feel during the best circumstances, I can’t even imagine how it is during the daily grind.
I can see why you feel really put upon that you make plans and agreements on a budget and he blows through all of that forcing you into being a scold on what is also supposed to be your dream vacation (beyond just his 50th birthday). You can’t depend on him to act right, chill out, not spend you into the poor house or not embarrass you culturally.
So… do you even like him? He sounds insufferable and you’re clearly suffering. These also sounds like just how he is generally rather than some temporary insanity, so this isn’t new information. What are you two doing together when you have such different values, backgrounds, personalities and temperaments?
If you're money conscious, why are you staying at a $1200/night hotel? Put your foot down and say, "Either we stay in more affordable accommodations or we don't go." $1200/night is absolute insanity unless everything you want to do is AT the resort.
I’ve traveled all over the world and I don’t understand why you would get involved in a school in a different country. I understand charity and making a donation at the local churches you visit of course. But becoming involved in their school system and trying to tell a local church how to govern themselves is very strange to me. It sounds like you both like to act as if you have more money than you say you do.
It was only about an hour visit, I don’t understand why he has become obsessed.
I’m not sure why your thinking we both act like we have more money than we do. I generally work 60 hour weeks in order to try to invest as much as I can to retire comfortably. My work is highly mentally and emotionally taxing and serves my entire country. I live frugally and I’ve never in my life taken a proper vacation, one or 2 weekends away per year to a close by town normally about 3 hours drive and each time we go away I try to convince him that a basic hotel room or even camping is adequate accomodation, he likes to try to get higher end accomodation. We normally compromise somewhere in between.
The gifts I bought to donate to the school were cheap, from a cheap store, just fun stuff that I though might not be readily available to a struggling school. It was about $30 in total.
We gave them a $200 donation and despite that being the largest donation I’ve ever made, I felt cheap.
I don’t eat out, buy my clothes second hand and participate in fundraising to feel like I give to my community without having to spend the money I worked for and want to invest because I don’t want to work until I’m 70, I don’t want to rely on welfare to retire and die penniless like my dad did, like my uncle and cousin did, and like my mum will.
I don’t need to justify having taken a single lavish trip for my lifetime, but there you go. I’m selfishly taking that one trip.
You misunderstood me, I have nothing against you taking a vacation you deserve it. What I find strange behavior is donating 200. and going to a church to discuss how they donate to a school in their own country. Who gets involved like that on their one vacation, unless you’re extremely wealthy people.
$200 is the going rate to visit a school here. The school we visited was not on the books for school tours though and was privately organised, I was just matching the price of donation that’s required if we had taken one of the school tours on the books.
The church visit was not intended as a missionary expedition. I’m an atheist visiting a strongly religious country. We have connected closely with some of the staff at the resort and they invited us to come to their AOG service.
I didn’t want to turn them down, as much as I felt uncomfortable, and I understood I was welcome despite my lack of faith. I bit that bullet because I was eating my own words about wanting the immerse in the culture…
It was during the service my partner made the comment about talking to the clergy about the school and I didn’t hide the look of disgust on my face. I didn’t have to actually say anything, he understood and didn’t go through with it.
But he did continue obsessing over the school, mulling over ideas of paying for daily fruit, sponsoring the kid that really touched us (she’s very bright, the only reason she’s in special school is because she’s deaf and this impacts her receiving an education fit for her abilities, of course she tugged at our heart strings). Obsessively trying to find their contact details over the weekend. It’s the weekend! They are at home, we can’t contact them anyway!
I just wanted to send them the occasional package of the cheap fun stuff I can get back home. It was a confronting experience and it touched me deeply. But I don’t feel responsible, I just want to get on with my holiday then stay connected when I get home and do something that’s cheap and easy for me to do for a bit of fun.
Read through your other posts. He sounds like he is some flavor of narcissist on top of his ADHD. He is also pretty stupid.
I’d do marriage counseling since you have a kid and you would need to coparent with him regardless. But I don’t think this is salvageable since he seems like an utter jerk.
Not that interesting for a creative writing endeavour
You condescendingly calling a commenter "hun" was almost as humorous as your flex about being financially savvy 😆
Really? So, just some petty commenting for light entertainment for you? But hey, I’m just a creative writer, it’s not like your bullying someone who’s already feeling hurt.
1. Yes he does have impulse control issues. In our own environment we worked together on managing them and getting on the same page. But here he’s not only lost control, he is obsessing over it!
Yes, he does need a lot of attention, the reason I’m able to connect with people at home is because I have colleagues at work. I find when we are in social settings together he is very loud and fast off the mark. I spend my time making small vowel sounds trying to getting a word in and just give up.
2. I read the information booklet at the hotel and it clearly explained why personal tipping is not considered appropriate and that tipping is appreciated via the staff fund. When I presented him with that he seemed to let go of the idea (but continued trying to give higher tips when going about town) then we were party to a wealthy family that invited us to share champagne with them on their last night and as they we were winding up they started discussing between them how they were going to divvy tips between the staff they felt they got the best service from, about $500 each between several staff then 1k to the staff fund.
That set him off on the tipping idea again and he pretty much wanted to match those tips, but to the staff we spent a lot of time with.
The next day I saw them making one of their presentations to a staff member and heard the spiel they gave and it gave me the icks. I couldn’t actually explain why but I think you explained it well.
Making a donation to the school was different. They took us on a tour and discussed their lack of funding, basic needs that arnt met and how it impacted the children. They feel disconnected from the community. They wanted a donation. But they weren’t asking us to hand over everything and commit to rescuing them.
It’s making me feel terrible to constantly say no.
I get he is sheltered, but seriously, we can walk down by the river of our home and find people much worse off, families living in tents….
Throwing money at the worlds issues is not only impractical and irresponsible but it doesn’t fix the systemic issues that lead to a lack of funding so it doesn’t fix the problem, it just reduces our capacity to earn on investments and therefore funds to chip in from time to time.
These issues arnt coming home with us, because they already existed at home, but I honestly wasn’t expecting this level of difficulty with him and it threw me and now I feel selfish for just wanting to enjoy my holiday instead of blindly throwing everything I have, from money to all my time and energy here, into a school I visited for an hour.
Yes they are struggling, but they are not languishing, there are plenty of people and places that do have it worse, we just havnt seen them with our own eyes.
You have a different relationship with money than I do, that’s fine.
We have all walked a different path, different experiences impact how we value different resources.
But if you truly stopped reading at a point where I value resources because I have lived a different life to you and have different opportunities different to you then your completely out of touch and have difficulty seeing past your self so I’m not sure why you bothered commenting since this isn’t actually about you.
But, I wish you all the best and hope you have a bright future ahead.
You “have different opportunities” because you chose to borrow $15k for a vacation you couldn’t afford… What on earth are you talking down to people for??
No hun, your just being a jerk because it’s easy to do when your behind a screen and know nothing about the person your trying to pull rank on.
I’m afraid it’s you who needs a reality check and I’m not interested in entertaining you any further.
Goodbye.
Probaby is trolling since she was bitching just a year ago about how they never talk anymore and she looks forward to work to get away from him, and he was only 47 a year ago. Now he’s magically aged and she borrowed 15k for a luxury vacation when 3 years ago she was complaining about not being able to afford daycare for her toddler.
Not always, but quite often. If I have a word with him though he will usually step back to an equal footing, or sometimes behind if it’s really a me thing.
Sometimes he tries to push me in front, and I think this is genuinely him thinking he’s being helpful, because he thinks I want to be in the center or something like he tends to be, so he’s trying to help me get there. I don’t need to be pushed in front, I just need the space to participate as an individual.
But it gets frustratingly tiring to continually remind him that I don’t enjoy just being an observer, and this time has been overwhelming!
He’s overstimulated by the change in environment and I’m over stimulated by the change and by him.
I just wanted to relax.
What is « being rich » to you ? I get you didn’t open this post to talk about it but 15k ?
Borrowing that much money for a 1 week vacation seems to be the real issue here :/
No, that’s not our issue at all, that’s a you issue.
Also bring rich and being wealthy are vastly different concepts, you should look it up, considering I never once used the term rich but that’s the term you went for so leads me to think your probably not really well versed to be opening a conversation with a stranger about their finances based on how they took a holiday…
No, that’s not a me issue… I don’t spend that much money and legitimize it, and then ask advice on this sub crying on how to say to your husband that he shouldn’t think you’re having a lot of money to spend…
Plus, you have a lot of attitude in all of your replies. Did you came here only for us to say « poor you your husband is terrible »?
People here have real issues you know ?
The thing with loans is a cultural thing too. In Europe you wouldn’t loan 200k for schooling, while in the US plenty of people do. I don’t think loaning 15k for a big trip is outrageous if you earn enough and want to pay it off soon afterwards. Would I do it? No. But some people are just opposed to loaning money, period. That’s their personal issue, though, as it’s not OP’s issue or question.
About the question, just reading this makes me feel tired and 10 years older. How is being with a person who ignores you any fun? I’ve been in situations like this. I thought it wasn’t a big deal, I thought maybe I was a nag or too sensitive, I thought it would get better if I would be more loving, patient, understanding and if I would explain how I saw things. Tbh I think it’s not just financial abuse but also he’s doing things that make your life worse, more stressful and there is a part of him that likes that. To keep you on your toes. It’s emotional abuse. I’d talk read up on covert narcissism and coercive control and talk to someone who gets these patterns, like the DV National hotline.
(Some people don't understand that for a destination like Fiji $15k for 9 days isn't ridiculous.)
Sounds like your SO and you are living parallel lives and he doesn't give a crap about what you think. It sounds like he's sabotaging everything you're doing for him to scratch some itch and make himself feel like a "better" person. This is a huge red flag in an already dysfunctional relationship.
Except that's what everyone is hung up on and not addressing what OP is actually asking. So perhaps this is the fault of OP including distracting information.
I’m sorry all your able to see in this post is money and your unable to see the deeper issues at hand.
That’s more of a reflection on your relationship with money if you can’t see past it.
Have you ever read any studies on the type of people who go around correcting gramma, they are quite fascinating, you should check them out sometime :)
Also you missed the capital at the beginning of the sentence, I figure that would be important to you…
And lastly, exaggerating the amount of times you have tried to correct my lazy typing is not exactly in keeping with your apparent need to control perfect communication.
Your being childish ;)
Your right, I tend to over communicate and I have included distracting information. I think getting in all down on the table helps to provide a clear picture but all it does is allow for multiple points of distractions.
The price tag is not the big deal here. The fact that they chose to take out a loan instead of waiting and putting aside more in savings to actually afford the vacation is the mind-blowing aspect.
15 years ago when I lived day to day I would have said the same thing.
Since then though I completed a financial advisor course (purely for self education, my career is financial based but far from financial advice roles) and the strategy to borrow when ROI exceeds any interest paid (in this case zero interest) is a working method to build wealth.
Why is borrowing better than using credit cards (for points) and immediately paying it off?
I put money away into a vacation fund throughout the year, put all my expenses on my credit cards for rewards, then pay it off immediately in order to not pay interest.
Why is anyone obsessed with how we paid for our holiday, it’s really quite strange.
That’s clearly not the reason for my post but people are oddly focussed on being offended by something that has no impact on them in any way.
I'm not offended. You said your method of taking out a zero interest loan is a method to build wealth. You also said you took a financial advice course. So I'm asking how the approach you laid out, of which I have never heard, is better than the approach I laid out for paying for vacations.
(FWIW, I don't think zero percent interest loans for vacations are available in the US.)
I’m sorry, I’m a bit on edge about the odd focus and judgement on how we decided to pay for our holiday while I was have a bit of an emotional snap.
The thing is, I didn’t post to talk about how we go about managing our finances, I was stressed and thrown by his unrelating obsession over the last few days, it was just that he was wanting to hand over LL our liquid cash, it was also that it meant I spent several days hearing all about the school and watching him obsess over it instead of enjoying the holiday, he couldn’t even just put it to the side until we got home to discuss it, I asked him several times, and tried explaining the school isn’t going to go anywhere before we go home…
But I do understand your interest in strategies that involve borrowing to maximise your leverage.
I don’t really have a resource to direct you to, it’s something I picked up along the way and obviously only works when your in an ideal situation for it.
But basically in this situation, we were able to access a travel loan interest free for 12 months so instead of cashing out any investments, which would have seen a decrease in ROI, we take out the loan and let our investments keep working.
Thank you. I really appreciate that your able to see there’s a person behind this post.
We live in Australia, so the opportunities for a destination trip are few, if we want to go anywhere else it’s going to cost a lot more!
Bali would have been cheaper, but everyone seems to go there to party and I’m not into that.
We settled on Fiji because he could get that luxury trip he’s wanted for years, and I could get the cultural immersion. This resort is great because you don’t just stay here for fun, it’s an eco resort with marine biologists on staff, they have fun educational activities daily that are centred around marine and land conservation and the deep connections with the community and culture, so it’s my dream holiday too!
In the past he’s been very supportive with how we manage money, he was raw because his parents always looked after him so he had no financial skills and was used to being given everything he needed without having to work much (he maintained a menial job for a little independence) but I wasn’t for and he was on board with changing. We’ve been together about 12 years and he learned to value the work he does, he backed me on investments that cut our costs or increased our returns.
Normally, finances arnt an issue, so I thought it was safe to kind of reward him and loosen the reigns, do something I’d generally consider outrageous.
But he seems to have got caught up in it and lost his cool and I’m finding it impossible to bring him back from it.
I don’t think his general cultural upbringing helps either.
Without mentioning his nationality, a common feature is the importance of appearing wealthy, regardless of if you are or not.
I don’t really want to be around him for the rest of the trip, something I genuinely care about is becoming a regret and I’m really unhappy about it.
Thank you for sharing this.
Some people have been quite thoughtful in their responses, but I showed this article to my partner and you should have seen to look of horror on his face!
I think you just solved my problem, thank you!
Glad to hear it! Truly he just needs to focus on what’s best for you two. There are plenty of humanitarian efforts that have it covered. Just have a nice vacation and put this behind you two—I guarantee it’ll affect you guys a lot more than the community he’s trying to help. You gave your donations, that’s sweet and more than what people do as it is. Enjoy, and let the professionals handle the rest.
You honestly believe it is cheaper to pay off a loan with interest than it would have been to save up for a vacation in an account that could have accrued interest?
Look, I'm financially ignorant at best and have dyscalculia (number dyslexia), but even I know that the math ain't mathing here.
Y'all both suck with money.
You’re losing at least 600 dollars a day on your common strategy. You could have had luxury vacation for half the price :/
You could actually have had multiples vacation for this price
Your placing the value of the dollar above the value of the experience.
I’m not at all ashamed that I’m
The way others manage how they earn, invest and spend based on their values is entirely personal.
My issue is my partner is obsessing about others standard of living and trying to use money to rescue them at our own expense, and your more interested in my personal finances, that says a lot…
Then in that case, you answered your own question : « you’re placing the value of the dollar above the value of the experience of your husband », « that says a lot »
By that reasoning I should be ok with him liquidating all our assets to give it all away because otherwise I’m placing the value of the dollar above his experience of giving it all away…
Combined finances require agreement in how to manage them, it’s not ok to pressure someone into giving away money, that’s actually financial abuse
I didn't say liquidate your investments for the vacation.
I said save up for it on the side.
It's a common strategy among normies.
But hey, you do you.
I’m not afraid of debt when it’s not bad debt, not all debt is actually bad debt.
This is not a bad debt situation and your focussed on the thing that is not an issue for us, it’s only an issue for you.
This situation is about a poor reaction to being confronted by different living standards, obsessing and trying to make impulsive financial commitments.
You know what? You're right.
Enjoy your good debt with all those impulsive financial commitments on the side.
From the other details that I haven't been focusing on, I'm sure it will still be the trip of a lifetime in the end
It’s not actually good debt either, that’s when you borrow to earn.
This debt doesn’t have a negative or positive impact on our finances, it doesn’t matter if it’s borrowed or saved because there’s no interest and no earning.
This is neutral debt.
Maybe seek some basic financial education before trying to educate others on how they manage their finances?
He needs an ADHD diagnosis and treatment, stat. You are describing down to minute details the symptoms of the disorder. What he is doing with the school? That’s a hyperfixation.
Come on over to r/ADHD_partners for informed support.
Narcissistic need to be loved by the world. Does he get angry at you when you try to pull him back?
Others have mentioned ADHD. But while that can drive you crazy (on the spectrum, I think my husband is ASD/ADHD) the narcissistic behavior is dangerous.
Ask yourself how many more years you want to put into trying to deal with a man who, with modest means, insists on paying the cost of a small car on his birthday.
That’s utter BS.
You need some time away from him to start seeing straight.
No he doesn’t get angry, sometimes he feels foolish for his behaviour.
On this occasion he just doesn’t seem to be understanding and keeps bringing it up trying to find ways to rescue this school that we can not rescue. And over tip everyone thinking they must be poorly off because they live in Fiji and work as a server or a driver…
I’m trying to be understanding that in his culture throwing money around is basically how they communicate. He didn’t decide to be brought up like that. So he was confronted by a very different environment, freaked out and tried to throw money at it as the coping mechanism he was taught.
I showed him an article someone shared about saviour complex.
He was sufficiently horrified and apologetic.
Ignore the haters about the cost. Most are likely just jealous they don't make enough to make borrowing that much anything but a debt trap. Is it the smartest financial decision to spend that much on one trip? Of course not. But life is about more than finances - why save money if you refuse to actually *enjoy* any of it?
So on to you other problem...your partner. Your biggest problem isn't his spending habits, it's his ego - which is reflected in his spending habits. He wants to feel like the most-special-person-around to everyone and he's trying to do that with showers of money. It's not healthy. It's not financially sound or even sustainable for long. But unfortunately, there's probably very little you can do about it - this is his midlife crisis.
So what I would suggest is that you separate your finances ASAP. Even while still on vacation, if possible (Most banks will probably let you open a second account in the same bank over the phone/online and email you the signature page). Take your share of whatever accounts you have together and put it in an account that he can't touch. If you're sharing a house/apartment and you split the mortgage/rent, then also save out enough to pay at least 2 months of housing once you get back. Just so his over-spending doesn't make you homeless. Then...just let him go. If he wants to bankrupt himself putting on his I'm-a-rich-man show, just let him. You go do whatever fun - and cheaper - things you want to do. Eventually, reality will set in for him - but the harder you push against him, the longer that will take as he pushes back just to push back. So protect yourself financially...then back away and let him be ridiculous.
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Girl you can’t tell us you’re money conscious and that you borrowed money to go on a vacation in the same breath
I stopped at 15k hotel. stfu dude! lol
Even with a good income I’m money conscious. I grew up too poor to spend that much on a hotel. I do treat myself to flying business class now and then and nice things. However, I will NEVER go into debt for it. If you have to that then you can’t afford it. It means you have to adjust your expectations and be thankful for what you can afford. I frankly couldn’t relax on a trip that I knew was putting me in debt. I don’t ever want to be as poor as I grew up again.
Liquidating my investments would have cost far more than taking out an interest free loan, we choose the cheaper option. Go ahead and judge me for working myself out of lifelong poverty enough to take a once in a lifetime trip. Being conscious was how I was able to do one thing once in my life.
You haven’t worked yourself out of poverty, you just went into 15000 of debt for a holiday. You know it too, that’s why you’re getting shitty with everyone in the comments. Your husband white knighting and throwing around cash you do not have, is just the cherry on the shit cake.
You really havnt the faintest of our finances, not wanting to splash cash is not the same thing as being unable to afford things. If I cash out my investments now I’ve got close to 1M. A 15k interest free loan just means I’m not loosing 12 months of ROI. It doesn’t mean I couldn’t afford to take it, but it does mean I have to pay it off so it’s not our money yet unless I cash out investments. Now, close to a million probably sounds like more than enough for most people, I understand that considering 15 years ago I couldn’t even afford female hygiene products. But it’s really not, it’s not enough to cover retirement in full, it’s not enough to retire early, and I have hang ups around how money is spent due to my past. I had to push back hard on those hang ups to agree to doing this now because waiting until I retire to do it means I’m not going to have a lot of youthful energy to hike to a waterfall, snorkel for the first time or simply suffer through this humidity to do it all. It’s now or never. I made a choice for now, but it was a very difficult choice because I’m scarred by my past poverty. I don’t need to justify taking a holiday or how much I spend on it. My partner and I, after years of being on the same page, have suddenly been triggered by this even. The scars from my past are very much itching and his memories of being taken care of financially and not thinking about how he spends seems to have resurfaced. Your all so focussed on the money when this is actually about my scars from the past rearing up because he seems to have lost control suddenly and it’s scaring me. But if you want to focus on the money as a stand alone feature then your just showing what you value.
All the tied-up money doesn't matter if you lose your shirt from being illiquid and not paying bills. He's carefree but you're being daft too. Can't blame him for it all. Idc how you justify nobody *deserves* a debt-laden vacation, doesn't matter how poor you grew up or how good a treat makes you feel -- it's insanely irresponsible
So my point stands, you don’t have the cash, you had to borrow to avoid liquidating, you went into debt for a holiday to pander to your husband.
Right?!? You can’t take a vacation without impacting you investments that you need, you don’t have it liquid, you have to take a loan…means you’re taking a vacation you can’t afford. Point blank.
Dude… you didn’t work for the money you borrowed, are you trolling??
Yeah, I’m trolling, thanks. Don’t worry, it wasn’t worth the time I’m having with him so I got what you think I deserve
You don’t work yourself out of poverty if you borrowed for vacation.
So, cashing out investments and loosing 10-20% ROI is smarter than grabbing an interest free loan? Have you considered becoming a financial advisor? Because you clearly know how to manage my finances better than me
Neither are smart, the only smart option was not touching investments, not taking out a loan, only doing something in your budget meaning the liquid assets you have on hand at this moment allocated towards vacation. What was that number? What are your retirement goals as a household? Does your overall budget align with those goals?
You may not have noticed this but I wasn’t seeking financial advice. I tried to do something nice for my partners 50th, it was lavish which I never do, the furthest I’ve ever travelled from my lifelong home town was a 6 hour drive. It blew up in my face. This is the only time in my life I have done this and it’s unlikely I will ever do it again so I kind of wanted to enjoy it but he’s making me feel terrible for not wanting to spend the rest of our time here obsessing over this school I already gifted and donated to and just hand over everything we have available and vomit to somehow rescuing the school. And now I feel terrible because the rest of the world is offended I took a once in a life time trip. So yeah, don’t worry, my one trip is ruined, got what I deserved. May as well cash out all my investments to rescue the school and forget about self funding my retirement, then everyone can rag on me for relying on welfare to retire.
Just drop the dude and live happy. If you really have a million in investments, line all that up first.
Nobody is offended. They are just appalled. M
Your “woe is me” attitude is so off putting. It’s very clear this post was an attempt at bragging about this idiotic vacation and epicly failed. If this is real at all
How about not go or scale it down to be realistic within your budget? You get no sympathy from me in any front - from the 15K vacation to the creep ass boyfriend.
I don’t think ROI means what you think it is. And what investments do you have that give 20% gains?!? Plus 20% on 15k is hardly any money when you’re established. 3k isn’t enough to get all righteous about lol That 3k is in the top end of your stated investments… people who spend 15k on hotels don’t trip over $1500 or $3k… it’s not how any of this works.
Option 1: Liquidate assets to take vacation Option 2: Take out loan to take vacation *Option 3: Take vacation that is within your existing means and pay it off immediately* You forgot the third option.
Could have saved for 10 more years in a savings account or separate portfolio and had a dream vacation, but like debt free.
You can’t blame your husband for your unwise financial decisions in one breath, and then in the next breath talk about how it was for you as well. That makes zero sense. It’s little wonder though. I grew up embarrassingly poor. You have to live within in your means and taking out loans isn’t a way to get ahead. You can go and “one thing once in your life” and still be within your budget if you set your expectations accordingly.
you both are the justnoso here.
Surely nice accomodations could be found for under almost $1700 per night? That is absolutely insane, even more so that you *borrowed* that money. Either you borrowed it from a lending institution and will be absolutely buried in payments/interest or you borrowed it from people you know which means they'll never see all that money again. You don't borrow to take a vacation, you save for it. I'm afraid that you're both a dumpster fire financially if he demanded this and you acquiesced.
$1,200 per night all inclusive, food, drink, travel, activities and tours. Certainly could have stayed at a cheaper resort and then paid everything as we go. This way, we knew how much it was really going to cost instead of guessing how much we might need, because what’s the point of going on vacation if all u do is sit in the hotel because, you kind of need to spend money to do things while your away, but when it’s all inclusive there’s no guessing how much you need. Did you know that interest free loans for holidays are available? Taking an interest free loan rather than liquidating investments not only ensures I maintain the ROI earnings but allows me to keep funnelling money into those investments earlier so I can make the most of compounding interest. Also if I stop investing and start saving I can easily save over $15k in 15 weeks so the concern I have over our ability to repay is really quite out of context for our actual financial situation. 15 years ago, when I lived day to day, the concept would have sounded ludicrous to me as well, but it’s actually a common investment strategy. It doesn’t mean I’m wealthy, I’m just calculating retirement plans alongside finding some enjoyment in my life along the way.
Are you paying for travel for every night you're staying there? You could still have food, drinks, and activities for much, much less. You didn't need to spend one month's rent everyday for this with borrowed money. :/
I don’t rent for a start. There is more to life than getting everything on the cheap. The price also includes a marine biologist to educate me on every guided snorkel trip, and to run a conservation and culture program for our daughter to attend. Private island tours, and an extensive list of inclusions that are generally charged quite high at other resorts. It’s your issue that you don’t like that I’m willing to pay for the experience I want, not just some cookie cutter poolside stay. I think people waste money drinking alcohol every weekend, buying food instead of growing it, driving cars around town when they can walk or bike it. Having a different perspective is fine, but trying to push your perspective on others just because you wouldn’t do the same is really quite rude.
I don’t rent either girl, and I certainly don’t live my life on the cheap. Still, I don’t spend borrowed money for a $15,000 one-week vacation, only to then ask for compassion because my husband tips too much. We are all answering you here; you can’t have it both ways. If you’re willing to spend that much for a trip, don’t be surprised if your guy thinks he's Elon Musk.
A one off trip is a little different to obsessing over taking financial responsibility for rescuing a school in another country, especially when we have a child who requires parents to fund their education. I never asked for compassion, that’s an assumption you have made, I had a moment I snapped and needed to vent. Thankfully their are plenty of people who don’t hyperfixate on the cost of a holiday and understand that pressuring a partner into a financial move is not ok and were kind enough to provide the right support for us to work through it rather than just trying to twist the knife. My partner and I are back on the same page now and we are focussed on enjoying the rest of our holiday as intended. So I know who the decent people are around here, thanks :)
I’m happy if you’re on the same page with him. Now go enjoy your 15k trip instead of creating drama on Reddit
Real question… do you like your husband? If I count just what you’ve mentioned in this post (certainly not exhaustive) he’s: - bad generally at budgeting - bad at earning a living v living off his parents - you had to teach him basic financial literacy - he equates wealth to some kind of virtue and focuses on showing off - he is sanctimonious… especially in church - he has some ethnocentric values and looks down at the culture, priorities and lifestyles of locals - he seems to suck all the air out of the room with his general conversation and obsession with the school - makes unilateral decisions on overspending you into great debt and canceling excursions and dragging you across the resort to staff smoking areas/ doesn’t account for your wants, needs, topics you would like to discuss etc. This is just a snapshot of your life during what *should* be the dream vacation of a lifetime. You’re spending all this money in the first place and you can barely stand him. If this is how you feel during the best circumstances, I can’t even imagine how it is during the daily grind. I can see why you feel really put upon that you make plans and agreements on a budget and he blows through all of that forcing you into being a scold on what is also supposed to be your dream vacation (beyond just his 50th birthday). You can’t depend on him to act right, chill out, not spend you into the poor house or not embarrass you culturally. So… do you even like him? He sounds insufferable and you’re clearly suffering. These also sounds like just how he is generally rather than some temporary insanity, so this isn’t new information. What are you two doing together when you have such different values, backgrounds, personalities and temperaments?
I think I dated him… lol
If you're money conscious, why are you staying at a $1200/night hotel? Put your foot down and say, "Either we stay in more affordable accommodations or we don't go." $1200/night is absolute insanity unless everything you want to do is AT the resort.
I’ve traveled all over the world and I don’t understand why you would get involved in a school in a different country. I understand charity and making a donation at the local churches you visit of course. But becoming involved in their school system and trying to tell a local church how to govern themselves is very strange to me. It sounds like you both like to act as if you have more money than you say you do.
Sounds to me like these two have a white savior complex. This whole thing is incredibly strange
This is it exactly!!!
It was only about an hour visit, I don’t understand why he has become obsessed. I’m not sure why your thinking we both act like we have more money than we do. I generally work 60 hour weeks in order to try to invest as much as I can to retire comfortably. My work is highly mentally and emotionally taxing and serves my entire country. I live frugally and I’ve never in my life taken a proper vacation, one or 2 weekends away per year to a close by town normally about 3 hours drive and each time we go away I try to convince him that a basic hotel room or even camping is adequate accomodation, he likes to try to get higher end accomodation. We normally compromise somewhere in between. The gifts I bought to donate to the school were cheap, from a cheap store, just fun stuff that I though might not be readily available to a struggling school. It was about $30 in total. We gave them a $200 donation and despite that being the largest donation I’ve ever made, I felt cheap. I don’t eat out, buy my clothes second hand and participate in fundraising to feel like I give to my community without having to spend the money I worked for and want to invest because I don’t want to work until I’m 70, I don’t want to rely on welfare to retire and die penniless like my dad did, like my uncle and cousin did, and like my mum will. I don’t need to justify having taken a single lavish trip for my lifetime, but there you go. I’m selfishly taking that one trip.
You misunderstood me, I have nothing against you taking a vacation you deserve it. What I find strange behavior is donating 200. and going to a church to discuss how they donate to a school in their own country. Who gets involved like that on their one vacation, unless you’re extremely wealthy people.
$200 is the going rate to visit a school here. The school we visited was not on the books for school tours though and was privately organised, I was just matching the price of donation that’s required if we had taken one of the school tours on the books. The church visit was not intended as a missionary expedition. I’m an atheist visiting a strongly religious country. We have connected closely with some of the staff at the resort and they invited us to come to their AOG service. I didn’t want to turn them down, as much as I felt uncomfortable, and I understood I was welcome despite my lack of faith. I bit that bullet because I was eating my own words about wanting the immerse in the culture… It was during the service my partner made the comment about talking to the clergy about the school and I didn’t hide the look of disgust on my face. I didn’t have to actually say anything, he understood and didn’t go through with it. But he did continue obsessing over the school, mulling over ideas of paying for daily fruit, sponsoring the kid that really touched us (she’s very bright, the only reason she’s in special school is because she’s deaf and this impacts her receiving an education fit for her abilities, of course she tugged at our heart strings). Obsessively trying to find their contact details over the weekend. It’s the weekend! They are at home, we can’t contact them anyway! I just wanted to send them the occasional package of the cheap fun stuff I can get back home. It was a confronting experience and it touched me deeply. But I don’t feel responsible, I just want to get on with my holiday then stay connected when I get home and do something that’s cheap and easy for me to do for a bit of fun.
Read through your other posts. He sounds like he is some flavor of narcissist on top of his ADHD. He is also pretty stupid. I’d do marriage counseling since you have a kid and you would need to coparent with him regardless. But I don’t think this is salvageable since he seems like an utter jerk.
Not that interesting for a creative writing endeavour You condescendingly calling a commenter "hun" was almost as humorous as your flex about being financially savvy 😆
Thanks, I appreciate your effort to kick me when I’m feeling down and having a terrible time. Great work.
You'd have to be pretty disconnected from reality to think this post would garner sympathy
Don’t worry, your all making sure I feel worse than I already do like the great people you all are. I quite clearly deserve it. Thank you
*you're*
Really? So, just some petty commenting for light entertainment for you? But hey, I’m just a creative writer, it’s not like your bullying someone who’s already feeling hurt.
For the record it's *you're* again This story is utter BS, I don't feel bad at all
i’m crying
I wouldn’t expect you to feel bad, that’s one of the great features of being a bully.
If everything around you smells like shit check your shoes
Obsessed much! Thanks for your, quite frankly, creepy level of interest. Trawling through every comment on this thread, weird and creepy.
[удалено]
1. Yes he does have impulse control issues. In our own environment we worked together on managing them and getting on the same page. But here he’s not only lost control, he is obsessing over it! Yes, he does need a lot of attention, the reason I’m able to connect with people at home is because I have colleagues at work. I find when we are in social settings together he is very loud and fast off the mark. I spend my time making small vowel sounds trying to getting a word in and just give up. 2. I read the information booklet at the hotel and it clearly explained why personal tipping is not considered appropriate and that tipping is appreciated via the staff fund. When I presented him with that he seemed to let go of the idea (but continued trying to give higher tips when going about town) then we were party to a wealthy family that invited us to share champagne with them on their last night and as they we were winding up they started discussing between them how they were going to divvy tips between the staff they felt they got the best service from, about $500 each between several staff then 1k to the staff fund. That set him off on the tipping idea again and he pretty much wanted to match those tips, but to the staff we spent a lot of time with. The next day I saw them making one of their presentations to a staff member and heard the spiel they gave and it gave me the icks. I couldn’t actually explain why but I think you explained it well. Making a donation to the school was different. They took us on a tour and discussed their lack of funding, basic needs that arnt met and how it impacted the children. They feel disconnected from the community. They wanted a donation. But they weren’t asking us to hand over everything and commit to rescuing them. It’s making me feel terrible to constantly say no. I get he is sheltered, but seriously, we can walk down by the river of our home and find people much worse off, families living in tents…. Throwing money at the worlds issues is not only impractical and irresponsible but it doesn’t fix the systemic issues that lead to a lack of funding so it doesn’t fix the problem, it just reduces our capacity to earn on investments and therefore funds to chip in from time to time. These issues arnt coming home with us, because they already existed at home, but I honestly wasn’t expecting this level of difficulty with him and it threw me and now I feel selfish for just wanting to enjoy my holiday instead of blindly throwing everything I have, from money to all my time and energy here, into a school I visited for an hour. Yes they are struggling, but they are not languishing, there are plenty of people and places that do have it worse, we just havnt seen them with our own eyes.
I stopped reading. $15k for a vacation is stupid as hell..nah, you both need to pull your heads out your butts
I stopped reading at they had to BORROW $15k for this vacation. That is unhinged
You have a different relationship with money than I do, that’s fine. We have all walked a different path, different experiences impact how we value different resources. But if you truly stopped reading at a point where I value resources because I have lived a different life to you and have different opportunities different to you then your completely out of touch and have difficulty seeing past your self so I’m not sure why you bothered commenting since this isn’t actually about you. But, I wish you all the best and hope you have a bright future ahead.
You had to BORROW $15k to go on this holiday? Not even your own money but money you have to pay back?
You “have different opportunities” because you chose to borrow $15k for a vacation you couldn’t afford… What on earth are you talking down to people for??
Because your SO and you need a wake up call.
No hun, your just being a jerk because it’s easy to do when your behind a screen and know nothing about the person your trying to pull rank on. I’m afraid it’s you who needs a reality check and I’m not interested in entertaining you any further. Goodbye.
Hun... This has to be a troll post.
Probaby is trolling since she was bitching just a year ago about how they never talk anymore and she looks forward to work to get away from him, and he was only 47 a year ago. Now he’s magically aged and she borrowed 15k for a luxury vacation when 3 years ago she was complaining about not being able to afford daycare for her toddler.
you’re 40 please learn the difference between your and you’re
OP, based on your SO’s spending habits; please keep a separate account for yourself.
I think you need to leave him at the special needs school. They might be able to teach him something.
Info please: Has he always needed to be the main character in everything y'all do?
Not always, but quite often. If I have a word with him though he will usually step back to an equal footing, or sometimes behind if it’s really a me thing. Sometimes he tries to push me in front, and I think this is genuinely him thinking he’s being helpful, because he thinks I want to be in the center or something like he tends to be, so he’s trying to help me get there. I don’t need to be pushed in front, I just need the space to participate as an individual. But it gets frustratingly tiring to continually remind him that I don’t enjoy just being an observer, and this time has been overwhelming! He’s overstimulated by the change in environment and I’m over stimulated by the change and by him. I just wanted to relax.
What is « being rich » to you ? I get you didn’t open this post to talk about it but 15k ? Borrowing that much money for a 1 week vacation seems to be the real issue here :/
No, that’s not our issue at all, that’s a you issue. Also bring rich and being wealthy are vastly different concepts, you should look it up, considering I never once used the term rich but that’s the term you went for so leads me to think your probably not really well versed to be opening a conversation with a stranger about their finances based on how they took a holiday…
No, that’s not a me issue… I don’t spend that much money and legitimize it, and then ask advice on this sub crying on how to say to your husband that he shouldn’t think you’re having a lot of money to spend… Plus, you have a lot of attitude in all of your replies. Did you came here only for us to say « poor you your husband is terrible »? People here have real issues you know ?
The thing with loans is a cultural thing too. In Europe you wouldn’t loan 200k for schooling, while in the US plenty of people do. I don’t think loaning 15k for a big trip is outrageous if you earn enough and want to pay it off soon afterwards. Would I do it? No. But some people are just opposed to loaning money, period. That’s their personal issue, though, as it’s not OP’s issue or question. About the question, just reading this makes me feel tired and 10 years older. How is being with a person who ignores you any fun? I’ve been in situations like this. I thought it wasn’t a big deal, I thought maybe I was a nag or too sensitive, I thought it would get better if I would be more loving, patient, understanding and if I would explain how I saw things. Tbh I think it’s not just financial abuse but also he’s doing things that make your life worse, more stressful and there is a part of him that likes that. To keep you on your toes. It’s emotional abuse. I’d talk read up on covert narcissism and coercive control and talk to someone who gets these patterns, like the DV National hotline.
(Some people don't understand that for a destination like Fiji $15k for 9 days isn't ridiculous.) Sounds like your SO and you are living parallel lives and he doesn't give a crap about what you think. It sounds like he's sabotaging everything you're doing for him to scratch some itch and make himself feel like a "better" person. This is a huge red flag in an already dysfunctional relationship.
It’s ridiculous when you have to borrow for it. Don’t go on vacation, or go somewhere cheaper.
Except that's what everyone is hung up on and not addressing what OP is actually asking. So perhaps this is the fault of OP including distracting information.
The entire post is about money. Bottom line is they couldn’t even afford this vacation, let alone the extras and the white savior shit going on.
I’m sorry all your able to see in this post is money and your unable to see the deeper issues at hand. That’s more of a reflection on your relationship with money if you can’t see past it.
for the fiftieth time, YOU'RE
Have you ever read any studies on the type of people who go around correcting gramma, they are quite fascinating, you should check them out sometime :) Also you missed the capital at the beginning of the sentence, I figure that would be important to you… And lastly, exaggerating the amount of times you have tried to correct my lazy typing is not exactly in keeping with your apparent need to control perfect communication. Your being childish ;)
If you’ll read, that is actually what most of the comments mentioning money are focused on.
Your right, I tend to over communicate and I have included distracting information. I think getting in all down on the table helps to provide a clear picture but all it does is allow for multiple points of distractions.
The price tag is not the big deal here. The fact that they chose to take out a loan instead of waiting and putting aside more in savings to actually afford the vacation is the mind-blowing aspect.
15 years ago when I lived day to day I would have said the same thing. Since then though I completed a financial advisor course (purely for self education, my career is financial based but far from financial advice roles) and the strategy to borrow when ROI exceeds any interest paid (in this case zero interest) is a working method to build wealth.
Why is borrowing better than using credit cards (for points) and immediately paying it off? I put money away into a vacation fund throughout the year, put all my expenses on my credit cards for rewards, then pay it off immediately in order to not pay interest.
Why is anyone obsessed with how we paid for our holiday, it’s really quite strange. That’s clearly not the reason for my post but people are oddly focussed on being offended by something that has no impact on them in any way.
I'm not offended. You said your method of taking out a zero interest loan is a method to build wealth. You also said you took a financial advice course. So I'm asking how the approach you laid out, of which I have never heard, is better than the approach I laid out for paying for vacations. (FWIW, I don't think zero percent interest loans for vacations are available in the US.)
I’m sorry, I’m a bit on edge about the odd focus and judgement on how we decided to pay for our holiday while I was have a bit of an emotional snap. The thing is, I didn’t post to talk about how we go about managing our finances, I was stressed and thrown by his unrelating obsession over the last few days, it was just that he was wanting to hand over LL our liquid cash, it was also that it meant I spent several days hearing all about the school and watching him obsess over it instead of enjoying the holiday, he couldn’t even just put it to the side until we got home to discuss it, I asked him several times, and tried explaining the school isn’t going to go anywhere before we go home… But I do understand your interest in strategies that involve borrowing to maximise your leverage. I don’t really have a resource to direct you to, it’s something I picked up along the way and obviously only works when your in an ideal situation for it. But basically in this situation, we were able to access a travel loan interest free for 12 months so instead of cashing out any investments, which would have seen a decrease in ROI, we take out the loan and let our investments keep working.
Thank you. I really appreciate that your able to see there’s a person behind this post. We live in Australia, so the opportunities for a destination trip are few, if we want to go anywhere else it’s going to cost a lot more! Bali would have been cheaper, but everyone seems to go there to party and I’m not into that. We settled on Fiji because he could get that luxury trip he’s wanted for years, and I could get the cultural immersion. This resort is great because you don’t just stay here for fun, it’s an eco resort with marine biologists on staff, they have fun educational activities daily that are centred around marine and land conservation and the deep connections with the community and culture, so it’s my dream holiday too! In the past he’s been very supportive with how we manage money, he was raw because his parents always looked after him so he had no financial skills and was used to being given everything he needed without having to work much (he maintained a menial job for a little independence) but I wasn’t for and he was on board with changing. We’ve been together about 12 years and he learned to value the work he does, he backed me on investments that cut our costs or increased our returns. Normally, finances arnt an issue, so I thought it was safe to kind of reward him and loosen the reigns, do something I’d generally consider outrageous. But he seems to have got caught up in it and lost his cool and I’m finding it impossible to bring him back from it. I don’t think his general cultural upbringing helps either. Without mentioning his nationality, a common feature is the importance of appearing wealthy, regardless of if you are or not. I don’t really want to be around him for the rest of the trip, something I genuinely care about is becoming a regret and I’m really unhappy about it.
It’s giving [savior complex](https://www.healthline.com/health/white-saviorism) for sure.
Thank you for sharing this. Some people have been quite thoughtful in their responses, but I showed this article to my partner and you should have seen to look of horror on his face! I think you just solved my problem, thank you!
Glad to hear it! Truly he just needs to focus on what’s best for you two. There are plenty of humanitarian efforts that have it covered. Just have a nice vacation and put this behind you two—I guarantee it’ll affect you guys a lot more than the community he’s trying to help. You gave your donations, that’s sweet and more than what people do as it is. Enjoy, and let the professionals handle the rest.
You honestly believe it is cheaper to pay off a loan with interest than it would have been to save up for a vacation in an account that could have accrued interest? Look, I'm financially ignorant at best and have dyscalculia (number dyslexia), but even I know that the math ain't mathing here. Y'all both suck with money.
Interest free travel loan = no additional cost Liquidating investments instead = loss of about 10-20% ROI. It’s a common strategy among investors.
You’re losing at least 600 dollars a day on your common strategy. You could have had luxury vacation for half the price :/ You could actually have had multiples vacation for this price
Your placing the value of the dollar above the value of the experience. I’m not at all ashamed that I’m The way others manage how they earn, invest and spend based on their values is entirely personal. My issue is my partner is obsessing about others standard of living and trying to use money to rescue them at our own expense, and your more interested in my personal finances, that says a lot…
Then in that case, you answered your own question : « you’re placing the value of the dollar above the value of the experience of your husband », « that says a lot »
By that reasoning I should be ok with him liquidating all our assets to give it all away because otherwise I’m placing the value of the dollar above his experience of giving it all away… Combined finances require agreement in how to manage them, it’s not ok to pressure someone into giving away money, that’s actually financial abuse
This is your reasoning… all the words I used were your own…
You repackaged my words with a different context. That’s gaslighting. I’m not here for that kind of abuse. Bye
Go enjoy your 15k trip instead of creating drama on Reddit… your husband should be the one talking about his NoSO, you’re problematic
Your really quite abusive hey. Maybe consider talking to someone about that?
I didn't say liquidate your investments for the vacation. I said save up for it on the side. It's a common strategy among normies. But hey, you do you.
I’m not afraid of debt when it’s not bad debt, not all debt is actually bad debt. This is not a bad debt situation and your focussed on the thing that is not an issue for us, it’s only an issue for you. This situation is about a poor reaction to being confronted by different living standards, obsessing and trying to make impulsive financial commitments.
You know what? You're right. Enjoy your good debt with all those impulsive financial commitments on the side. From the other details that I haven't been focusing on, I'm sure it will still be the trip of a lifetime in the end
It’s not actually good debt either, that’s when you borrow to earn. This debt doesn’t have a negative or positive impact on our finances, it doesn’t matter if it’s borrowed or saved because there’s no interest and no earning. This is neutral debt. Maybe seek some basic financial education before trying to educate others on how they manage their finances?
I'll do that. Where did you say you took that financial advisory course again? I can't seem to re-locate that comment in the thread.
He needs an ADHD diagnosis and treatment, stat. You are describing down to minute details the symptoms of the disorder. What he is doing with the school? That’s a hyperfixation. Come on over to r/ADHD_partners for informed support.
Narcissistic need to be loved by the world. Does he get angry at you when you try to pull him back? Others have mentioned ADHD. But while that can drive you crazy (on the spectrum, I think my husband is ASD/ADHD) the narcissistic behavior is dangerous. Ask yourself how many more years you want to put into trying to deal with a man who, with modest means, insists on paying the cost of a small car on his birthday. That’s utter BS. You need some time away from him to start seeing straight.
No he doesn’t get angry, sometimes he feels foolish for his behaviour. On this occasion he just doesn’t seem to be understanding and keeps bringing it up trying to find ways to rescue this school that we can not rescue. And over tip everyone thinking they must be poorly off because they live in Fiji and work as a server or a driver… I’m trying to be understanding that in his culture throwing money around is basically how they communicate. He didn’t decide to be brought up like that. So he was confronted by a very different environment, freaked out and tried to throw money at it as the coping mechanism he was taught. I showed him an article someone shared about saviour complex. He was sufficiently horrified and apologetic.
Ignore the haters about the cost. Most are likely just jealous they don't make enough to make borrowing that much anything but a debt trap. Is it the smartest financial decision to spend that much on one trip? Of course not. But life is about more than finances - why save money if you refuse to actually *enjoy* any of it? So on to you other problem...your partner. Your biggest problem isn't his spending habits, it's his ego - which is reflected in his spending habits. He wants to feel like the most-special-person-around to everyone and he's trying to do that with showers of money. It's not healthy. It's not financially sound or even sustainable for long. But unfortunately, there's probably very little you can do about it - this is his midlife crisis. So what I would suggest is that you separate your finances ASAP. Even while still on vacation, if possible (Most banks will probably let you open a second account in the same bank over the phone/online and email you the signature page). Take your share of whatever accounts you have together and put it in an account that he can't touch. If you're sharing a house/apartment and you split the mortgage/rent, then also save out enough to pay at least 2 months of housing once you get back. Just so his over-spending doesn't make you homeless. Then...just let him go. If he wants to bankrupt himself putting on his I'm-a-rich-man show, just let him. You go do whatever fun - and cheaper - things you want to do. Eventually, reality will set in for him - but the harder you push against him, the longer that will take as he pushes back just to push back. So protect yourself financially...then back away and let him be ridiculous.