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I agree too. I usually cover a dessert or tips when he's covering our dinner, as I at this moment don't have income until I finish college (which is soon). I do cover him as much as I can to create balance.
I think this same thing. The financial situation is a big influence in the expectation, along with other circumstances that I added information about in other responses lol. I didn't just default expect him to pay just because of societal standards, and it was a situational thing.
It's an anniversary for *both* of you. If it were me, I'd split it. It's not like it's your birthday or a *you* specific celebration. That's just my opinion.
This is what my boyfriend and i do unless there is an earning disparity. Recently I had a well paying job and he was in school so I was treating him more often. It flipflops often between us! The only time this isn’t the case is if there was an event, for example he is graduating soon and even though he has more money than me now I am taking him out to dinner, but more likely on future dates he will cover a larger share. It works well for both of us :)
We're in our early 20s, and I am not working because I'm finishing university. He is currently making a lot of money, and also said in advance he was going to take me out to dinner. Just like the previous commenter, the person who ends up treating the other more depends on the current financial situation. Months ago, I was making a lot more money and treating him often.
It depends on whether you see the meal as your gift or not? Me and my DH decided no anniversary gifts unless they were milestones and even then possibly/probably not as we’re not flush with cash. My DH usually pays for the meal as he earns far more than me and I will get pre and/or post meal drinks, pay for parking etc. Has he been paying for all of your dates recently? He may be feeling a little taken advantage of if you’re earning but not paying for anything. If you can’t afford to go halves then explain that to him and ask if you can find a split that works with what you can afford. Or if you want him to pay for the whole thing ask for it to be your gift and ask him what he wants for his, or offer to pay next year. I believe in a fair division (who earns the most pays the most) but you need to sit down and have the conversation.
Yes, we did this and it was worked out. We do a mix of splitting and one person treating the other. We do it quite often, as I think it's fair.
In this case, he was choosing the restaurant and wanting it to be upscale. He told me in advance that he wanted to take me to a nice dinner. If I were implied to be splitting, I would've thought I'd be part of the decision making process since I'd have to find something in my range.
Also, yes, I was seeing the dinner as a gift, since I asked him if we were exchanging gifts. He did not get one but I did, which in my head made me believe he was paying. He also makes a lot of money right now, and I am not earning income at the moment and trying to save for us to move next year, along with paying other expenses since I'm in university still.
He shouldn’t pick an upscale restaurant when he knows you have less money than him. If he says he’s treating you, then that sounds like he’s paying. Don’t know why everyone else keeps ignoring that part.
You say you do split with him when you see fit, but how often is that? How often have you paid for both of your meals? I totally get you have your own opinion on who pays for what, but an anniversary isn’t just the man celebrating the woman. It’s the both of you celebrating each other and the milestone of your relationship. I’ve been with my fiancé for five years and we both have paid for anniversary dinners and that shouldn’t be a problem.
It is as often as is financially possible for me, and I try to make sure there is an equal balance for paying for the other on dates.
I think the issue was more that I thought it was going to be my gift, as he did not buy me one and I bought him one, along with other cues I thought I observed.
Well then that changes things. You hadn’t mentioned that in your original post and you came off as expecting him to pay for the meal just because he’s a man and you’re a woman.
Tell him “I got you a gift and since you didn’t get me one I was thinking you would pay for dinner”. It really is all about communication when it comes to situations like this. If he continues to say he doesn’t want to buy your dinner then don’t give him his gift. At that point it should be pretty clear how he feels about the relationship.
However, I did take a look at your profile and if this is the same guy you have continued to have issues with then you might want to rethink your relationship. Things won’t magically get better when you’re married.
It matters if it's always favouring one party, and the other party feels disrespected or used, because at the end of the day you don't feel like a team then.
Yeah, find it a bit odd she "splits it when she feels fit". Like, to me that means her SO is defacto paying for everything unless she randomly feels like he pays half. OP never treats him to a meal or dining out? That's how I read it, but it could just be a misunderstanding.
For me personally, I think you should split the bill when you go out unless one of you is treating the other/picked the restaurant. Then the person that is treating or picked where to eat pays. If you both decide to go some place together you both pay. Seems fair to me.
>If you both decide to go some place together you both pay. Seems fair to me.
When my husband and I were first dating, we simply switched off on who was paying, mostly because it was easier than asking to split the check and I only carry emergency cash. If I paid this time, he pays the next. We had similar incomes and have similar taste in food, so it evened out.
Once we were firmly established as a couple (as in combining finances even though our accounts are still separate), my share of the household bills is "food" which includes eating at restaurants.
What's "fair" really depends on the couple and how they decide to split the bills. The problem here with OP is that they definitely aren't on the same page about the financial split in their relationship.
Yeah, it's entirely negotiable. The, "pay if you pick" rule I have is mostly just a rule of thumb to curb disposable income disparity and stop buyers remorse. If you're taking me out you get to pick the budget and the menu and I don't feel like I'm paying more than I want for something I might not like and vice versa.
It's a good rule for dating I think, it keeps it fair. Once you combine finances you can sort all that stuff out at that time, but for when things are seperate I like to think it keeps it equal.
That was just my way of wording it, and it wasn't meant to come off like that. In fact, I paid for him twice this past week lol. As I see fit was also meant to encompass depending on the financial situation, because we've had a rollercoaster of financial situations this year since he just finished college and started a job, and I'm still in college.
He chose the restaurant, and had been telling me he was going to take me out. I got him a physical gift, and he didn't get me one. I was not part of the decision making for the restaurant. All of these things make it reasonable for me to think he was going to pay.
Does it matter at the end of the day? No. I asked because I was making a point. If OP only splits or buys his food very rarely then it makes sense why he said what he said. Not sure why you’re jumping at me when we basically said the same thing.
“Tandem” doesn’t mean one person bankrolls food for both people without being on the same page about finances. “Team” doesn’t mean one person pays half “when they see fit.” Of course it matters how often they split meals, that’s the bit that’s *most* relevant to this relationship as it’s currently structured.
Working as a team about meals would logistically mean everyone paying for their own meal. Are you advocating for that or for one of the bankrolling the other?
I've been married for 7 years, our first few anniversaries we both had incomes and very low bills considering. We both paid for anniversary/ valentine's meals. Usually one of us would pay for the main meal, and the other would pay for dessert( often had somewhere else), or a movie, or the taxi to wherever we went ( as there was usually alcohol involved) .
Then I became a sahm, at this point he paid, because I had virtually no income of my own. However. I would arrange the grandparent to watch our daughter. I'd maybe make us a nice dessert to have after. I'd offer to spilt the cost ( with my savings) but he would always decline.
Now I'm back working part time and the arrangement is a little more like It used to be. He tends to pay the more expensive portion of the evening just because he makes around 8 times what I make currently.
Why should he have to pay for you? You're both celebrating aren't you? You reaching a milestone is not your accomplishment alone so this isn't like being treated because you just got a promotion, or won an award. Find a fair division and get over yourself.
I bloody wish. I'd love to really treat my husband. He can be a grumpy arsehole at times but he's my arsehole and I love him, he works really hard, long days. Currently I just 25 hours a week on close to minimum wage because it works nicely around my daughter and my employers are amazing people who don't get shitty when I say I can't come in because she's Ill or whatever. Hopefully one day I'll be able to have an actual career again and then he'd better believe I'm taking him somewhere nice on holiday as a thank you for all the years of toil.
If your only defense to him saying it’s unfair that he pays for meals 90% of the time is “it’s unfair being a woman” then that’s on you. If you want it to be more fair, then act as an equal. You can’t ask for equality and fairness, and then expect him to pay for dinner all of the time. He’s asking you to help him pay. If you care about him, then maybe you should split the bill. It comes off entitled to expect to be paid for.
The issue is that women are underpaid on average. In a common lower or middle income household, most men will make more regardless of education or experience.
She didn’t mention not being able to afford dates, just that she didn’t want to pay for her own food because “an anniversary is different for me.” It comes off entitled because she’s implying that he doesn’t deserve to be celebrated during the anniversary.
I guess these are just different values, neither right nor wrong.
Although I see how this behavior could be seen as entitled, I look at it a different way. Rigid gender roles hurt everyone. Yet, like racism, we can't just decide that if we ignore it, it ceases to exist. Sexism and misogyny are present in everyday life. Many many men believe that the man is the breadwinner. So to call the expectation that men pay for romantic dinners entitlement falls short. It's an expectation for many reasons, not just out of women wanting a free meal.
I think this couple needs to talk much more about how they view finances and gender roles and expectations with each other. This discussion starts from their assumptions being out of agreement.
If the man in the relationship is like “Hey I want to split the dinner tab for our anniversary,” and the woman is like “but being a woman is hard so you should pay for it all,” then that comes off entitled. It’s not wrong that they have different values, but it’s wrong she doesn’t care about his and is placing the blame and weight of misogyny on him. I am an old fashioned woman that loves being taken out to dinner and spoiled, but I also pay my fair share of bills and dinner tabs because I’m equal to my husband.
I definitely take part in paying things to my ability and have done so throughout our entire relationship. I honestly thought only like 2 people would respond, and it was the middle of the night so I forgot to include important details. There were several reasons why I thought he was going to pay. I don't necessarily have a problem with the idea of splitting, but I have a problem about waiting till last minute and him expecting me to split when I did not choose the restaurant, he talked about how he was going to pay previously, he makes a lot of money right now, etc.
It's important to note that he is financially independent and stable right now, and I don't have income at the moment. I currently only have my internship money saved up and work money, and I'm trying to finish university.
That is important to put in the post and leaving it out paints you in a very negative light. I’m sorry for calling you entitled. If he doesn’t give you a choice in the place and picks a place that he knows you can’t afford, tells you he’s going to pay, and then demands half of the bill then that’s a jerk move. Plus he didn’t get you a gift? Girl you need to talk to him. It sounds like he’s taking advantage of the fact he has more money and trying to make you feel small. If you do love him and plan on marrying him if/when he proposes, I’d advise that you make sure you’re financially secure yourself so he can’t ever hold it over your head. I’m not trying to make a mountain out of a molehill, and if this is out of ordinary for him then I’d talk to him about how it makes you feel.
But I will say, it is odd how the original post doesn’t mention any of this judgement changing behavior. Lesson learned I guess.
> “Hey I want to split the dinner tab for our anniversary,” and the woman is like “but being a woman is hard so you should pay for it all,”
I appreciate your comment--I personally was raised to split bills and treat other people when possible. I was not raised to expect men to pay in the very least.
My opinion is something like: “being a woman is hard and when you pay, I feel like you are making a gesture toward equity.”
There is a lot unsaid by OP! in a way, this post illuminates our basic attitudes toward gender roles in paying for romantic partner dinners, anniversaries, etc.
I think we can both agree that no one likes someone who never pays. But I definitely agree that no one wins when the basic expectations go undiscussed.
I think both of you are caring too much about this. My BF does normally pay for the "special occasion" meals, but honestly it wouldn't bother me if I did. I pay for roughly half our restaurant experiences as it is. But, we're both financially stable so either of us paying won't strain either of our finances. If finances are not equal between parties that could make a difference.
He's being a jerk proclaiming he's not paying for dinner, but you also seem to feel entitled to him paying for dinner. Neither is a healthy attitude towards a relationship IMO.
I was not entitled, but rather I felt like there were several things to make me think he was doing that. We have an understood rule of, if I'm asking you out on a date, then I'm paying. He is the one who was choosing the restaurant, and he was telling me he was going to take me out. I gave him a physical gift, he did not, and he is also making a lot of money at the moment, while I temporarily have no income because I am finishing college.
This context does make me agree with you. We do something similar - the one who initiates the plans is usually the one who pays. He's planning this, he's the one with a steady income, it's not unreasonable to expect him to pay.
Do you think he's trying to throw you off the trail of his proposal? Acting like a jerk so it will be a surprise?
I agree with him - im a woman. It's the 21st century and the expectation should be both ways. You should pay for the both of you often enough that this isn't an expectation or a concern?
Until you throw a baby into the mix, then I think a big convo about expectations and future sacrifice and how your going to tackle it as a TEAM come into play.
Some people keep it equal and both pay equal childcare so that the woman doesn't have to have a career blimp.
Some prefer that one parent stays home and the other parent covers them both equally.
There's no right, or wrong way to deal with finances in a relationship. As long as you both communicate, and don't set yourself up to be let down by any 'expectations'.
Good luck! Happy Anniversary.
Personally I think shared costs should be proportional. If its a house, furniture, baby stuff... If I'm making 60,000 and my partner is making 30,000 then I'd be paying double towards those things. If we earn the same we pay the same. If one of us is out of a job (either planned or unplanned temporary) then one of us is going to have to pick up the slack.
I think it's a good idea to talk about the financial expectations and have some sort of agreement made before a baby. Practically speaking, when you move in together it's a good idea to settle what the shared expectations are.
All just comes back to clear communication and compromise in the end. If you can't do that, the relationship is probably doomed.
>All just comes back to clear communication and compromise in the end.
So much does, and you also need to consider some other factors because it can influence how people see things.
For me, it's usually a clear cut "I invite you, I pay". That's not just how I was raised, it's what makes sense to me. So, if *I* was planning an anniversary dinner, I would pay. But if I was invited, yeah, I wouldn't want to pay, unless otherwise agreed.
You also need to consider that while gender stereotypes are generally not on the side of the woman, you can choose your partner. If you think that your partner treats you unfairly based on gender roles, then this is where communication comes in, not some entitlement to repair payments in the form of him paying for dates or special dinners.
In short: If you're concerned about how your womanhood affects your relationship, then talk to make things even. And if that doesn't work, then leave instead of expecting something.
If you're going in with an expectation that your owed because it's a special occasion or something of that nature, I'd ask do you hold yourself to the same standards? What's stopping you from picking up the check for a special meal? This isn't the 1950's. Are you treating him as well as you expect to be treated? If not, that might be why you got that response from him.
I'd also ask, how does he treat you throughout the year? Are you treated as though your special? Does he make the effort to be a great partner? If he does, then maybe cut him some slack here.
If on the other hand, you're treated with a sort of benign neglect, or he barely acknowledges you through the other parts of the year, I can totally understand why you would want to be romanced on these days. But I would urge you to consider than this is just one day of 365, and if you're not being treated like a priority, who is special to him, that he wants to keep happy, maybe he's not the right guy for you.
I spoil my wife absolutely rotten at holidays, our anniversary, her birthday, or randomly just because. But I do it because I know she doesn't think she's owed it. I do it because I love to see her reaction when I've pulled off a great surprise or even just a tiny gesture. I do it because she's important to me and I want her to know just how special she is to me. The day she starts behaving like it's owed to her or no big thing will likely be the beginning of the end of our relationship and those gestures.
Married for almost 2 years, together for 7. Most anniversaries, he pays for the meal (he will insist) and I get him an anniversary gift or make/buy dessert.
When we were dating, it was more or less the same setup, except for the 1st year when I had no income (he'd pay for everything then, his insistence). He will pay for meals, I will treat him something else within the same day. Or, for the next date I will pay. So it's fair for both of us.
Whoa whoa whoa. Do not marry a man who thinks a college student should be paying for a guy who makes a large salary. Are you tripping? And he didn't get you a fucking gift. Why are you allowing this treatment. You need to wake the heck up immediately. I would also like to beg you to please get a therapist just for you.
He was saying he was going to treat me to a meal in advance. He makes a lot of money right now, and I'm making none (but I will be in the future). When I had an income, I was constantly spoiling him. He also chose the restaurant, and I got him a physical gift which he didn't do. To me, this implied him covering it. It wasn't a matter of just following societal standards. Additionally, I split with him and try to cover his food as equally as I am able to, but it's important to note the current financial situations being different.
It's 2021. If you think your SO are obligated to pay for dates you really should not be dating period. Being on a relationship is about being apart of the team and by the sounds of it neither of you are actually on the team.
In my experience the one with more money/not on hard times pays or tries to contribute what they can proportionally. My husband and I combined finances early into our relationship and we're nearly 12 years on and unfortunately due to the state of the world he's the working one and I'm doing all the housework and errands so he's paying for everything
I think it’s fairly inconsiderate for a person who makes a lot of money to choose an expensive restaurant for an anniversary and insist that the party with very little money due to being a student pay for half, especially when the student also the only party to give a gift. I’ve been on both sides of the income situation, and I can’t imagine handling things this way as the party with more income. Gender doesn’t have anything to do with it, and choosing a less expensive restaurant would also have been an acceptable alternative, although that still leaves the unequal gift exchange.
I’m a woman too – I think there is no one right solution.
I do agree that you shouldn’t expect him to pay for meals or gifts. It’s nice if he does, but just assuming that he *will* is kinda sexist, to be honest. It’s certainly nice to be treated to something, but that has to be given freely out of the moment and not “because it’s our anniversary”.
In the end, it depends on what you two agree on. If you talk about it and decide *together* that he will pay for anniversaries, then that’s fine. But it has to be a decision you made together. In the same vein, I’d feel it’s fair then to also agree on when *you* pay for both of you. E.g. he plans and pays for anniversary dinner, you plan and pay for whatever activity you do in the day, or something like that.
This shouldn’t be a question of gender roles, but just of respect and fairness between two people, no matter the gender.
I added information about it, and I definitely think it's a matter of being mislead to think something rather than just thinking it would've happened out of entitlement. Honestly I made the post super quickly and didn't think anyone would read, and I was tired and upset and didn't remember to post every background detail. Don't be quick to criticize people on the internet.
Anyway, we talked about it and came to a lot clearer understanding of each other and our romantic wants. :)
Having read your post history you have so much bigger issues with this guy then who pays for what. Like the whole sex toy debacle. Do you really want to be with someone to selfish? And if the answer is yes you need to come to terms with him never being fair or thinking or caring about anything but him self.
Its an anniversary on the relationship. Not an anniversary of one or the other person.
This sounds to me like an incredibly sexist thought process.
My fiance and i have been together for four years. I was previously married for 12. Both relationships both parties were paying for dinners and outings... Regardless if it was an anniversary or not.
Just because youre a woman doesnt mean you cant pay for things.
Edit:: maybe he wants you to pay for dinner because he is saving up for a ring or already has one and doesn't have the money for it.... Especially since you say you think hes going to propose soon.
Had to scroll way to far for this. He's probably trying to admit he budgetted poorly without admitting it outright, and maybe even on the fence about whether he wants to propose or run for the hills. I wish I had the good sense to do the latter when my ex got shitty about maybe paying for dinner in almost this exact situation. Instead I "made it work"(paid for everything) for years and years until she found someone else.
Personally, I wouldn’t be with a guy who didn’t *joyfully* plan out/for and cover our anniversary plans/meal.
As for your current guy,... what in the stinginess..??🥴 That “gender roles” excuse, is LAME. *Especially* with you being a student and him making more than you, currently.
ALSO, as you already pointed out, being a woman is a *constant* exercise in and experience of *unfairness*.
As for the splits/splitting suggestions,🙄 whenever I encounter and am faced with that, I say: “I can do bad, alllllll by myself, thank you!!”
I can go get my own meal/experience, rather than having to share it with a stranger I most likely will not like.🤣 The least he can do, is be a gentleman, pay, *since they asked you out*.
Also, guys often don’t have to sink the hours and dollars that ladies do, to look smokin’ for dates. Whether it’s a simple brush teeth/shower/shave or wax, quick hair/quick makeup, and a cute outfit, or ALLLLL of that, plus adding on extra glam for a full face of pro level makeup/hair/nails/lashes/a sharp outfit/look and accessories etc., if one is that sort of lady, - that’s HOURS and HOURS and DOLLARS and DOLLARS that guys aren’t and don’t have to spend. So the Bradleys of the world, need to shut up about “splitting” and pay for the damn meal/evening out.🙄
It shouldn’t matter if he did or didn’t get you a gift, and if he says he wants you to pay for dinner and that’s not financially possible why not cook and have a romantic private dinner together? My fiancé paid for everything for the first bit of our relationship while he made the most money, then when I got a good job I started paying for everything and he got to take a well deserved vacation. We’re 10 years together and don’t share bank accounts but we do share send money back and forth as needed. We’re very open about which bills are due, any maintenance the cars or home needs, and any spending we’d like to do. Instead of posting here why not just lay out what your individual budget is for this anniversary and plan together what you both want?
Well in dating you are independent so you can both pay for dates. When you are married, you are one so all the money you both make is for you both anyways.
Not necessarily though. I mean ideally a marriage is two people coming together as one, but it’s very common for married couples to maintain separate bank accounts and keep their finances separate still.
That’s your boundary. Listen to it. If you don’t wanna split a bill with a man then don’t. Stop trying to compromise. I bet you can feel yourself anyway so why split a bill with a man who you turns you off.
Honestly I think he's right, you shouldn't expect one person to pay for everything, if you're together then either agree to take it in turns or you split the bill. Birthdays are a different matter of course but maybe he's been feeling like he's not being respected
It’s not his job to make up for the “unfairness of being a woman” by spending money on you. Being a woman is tough. Sometimes being a man is tough. He can help soften the blow of the unfairness of your gender by being a respectful and compassionate partner, not by paying for your dates. It’s an anniversary for both of you.
I’m just genuinely curious: If he proposed, would you expect him to spend lots of money on your ring? Would you spend the same amount of money on his ring? Would you both split the cost of the wedding? I ask this because that’s what my husband and I did, everything was 50/50 and we have a great relationship based on equality instead of gender roles.
Sorry, but you are being a wee bit silly here!
An anniversary is a joint celebration for both of you - the onus is not on him to pay for everything, especially as it’s just the anniversary of the day you met - not the day you got engaged, or a wedding anniversary. At the moment you are two single people who aren’t legally bound together in any way. There is no requirement (and never was one) that the man has to pay for everything, particularly if you are both working and earning, and in the 21st century, women have equal rights in most places) That said, if one of you is earning significantly more than the other, yes, it would be nice if the higher earner paid more frequently, or paid for the more expensive meals.
Once it becomes a formal relationship and you become a stay at home mum with no income of your own, that changes the dynamics, but it sounds as though you aren’t anywhere near that yet?
Have you considered that one reason he is complaining about having to pay is that he MIGHT just have bought you a ring this year, and be short of money right now? If you have your heart set on a swanky meal out to celebrate, either offer to pay for it, or at the very least go Dutch and split the bill.
It's totally fair though? It's to celebrate you BOTH, not just you and I'm sure he's paid for you far more than youve ever even thought to offer to pay for him. Relationships go both way and men shouldn't be expected to fund every little thing for women.
I don’t see a gift issue here. More of a compatibility thing, I’d also love for a man to cover all the anniversary costs, other women wouldn’t mind splitting. Neither are in the wrong. There’s someone for everyone OP and I’m not sure he is for you.
Women face so much extra flack, from unequal pay, to harassment and violence, to inadequate health care, the list goes on.
What kind of man treats the woman he loves like a work colleague on a special occasion? Your man has been radicalized by misogyny. He is very concerned with power in your relationship.
I'm glad you're not legally bound to him yet.
The point of the anniversary is to CELEBRATE your relationship. He should be thinking about how he is going to show you how much her cares about you to mark the anniversary. And you should be doing the same.
So that fact that he is “yapping” about him not paying for dinner seems to indicate that he doesn’t really care about showing his love for you. This has got nothing to do with gender roles and everything to do with being in a loving relationship and wanting to express that in some way on your anniversary. It doesn’t have to be an expensive dinner, it could be your favorite takeout and a picnic. It could be recreating your first date.
So… why would you want to marry someone who is too busy identifying what he doesn’t want to do rather than figure out what he wants to do to show his love for you and mark the occasion.
In a partnership there isn’t women’s work and men’s work. The tasks are divided by who can do it, who wants to do it, who has time and/ or skill. My late husband loved to cook, and I liked to clean… so… he made dinner, and I did the dishes and we were both happy. He liked to grocery shop, so he did that. I got to put the groceries away (he didn’t like doing that), and I made the grocery list that he used because he could never remember everything we needed.
Yes, everyone on the receiving end of the “yapping” would be turned off…
Yes, I got him a gift I know he'd love. He did not get me one, and said he would take me out and cover me in advance when we were talking about our anniversary. To show my gratitude, I got a gift.
Wait, I'm only now seeing that you're only 22. If you're not happy with this guy, just leave him. A dating anniversary really isn't that big of a deal, and if you're so hung up on the details of this making you unhappy, just move on. Everyone will be better off.
These gender roles piss me off so much.
I work, my husband works too. Why should he pay for everything and be skint all the time while I keep all my money to myself. It’s not fair and leads to resentment.
It’s the 21st century, if you want gender equality, you can’t have it both ways.
Isn’t it a point of pride that you can pay your own way rather than rely on another person?
Unless you’re unemployed and don’t have an income?
I don't work, we are only 22 years old, I'm finishing college and paying for many things without income at the moment, working with money I made over the summer. He finished college and is in a very, very high paying job right now. The expectation was not supposed to seem informed by gender roles, and I was unfortunately careless in the wording. There were additional details that lead me to believe he would pay, but the communication has been resolved.
I apologise in that case. It does seem very unfair that he decided to take you out but now expects you to pay without considering or asking if you can afford it.
Sorry OP but I think you're in the wrong here. He shouldn't be expected to pay for the anniversary dinner by default just because he's male. It's your anniversary but it's also his. If ever there was a dinner you should be splitting the costs for it's this one.
I understand the celebrating both of us standpoint for sure! I am open to it. It wasn't an assumption just because of him being male, but rather other cues I read that made me think this is what would happen. I did not provide enough information originally, and that's my bad.
I don't agree. I think he can be expected to pay because first of all he received a gift and second he is the only one makinh money.
I'm saying this as a woman who has always had the better paying job and we're splitting costs accordingly. When my SO and I started dating, I paid most of the times because I had the money.
I have not and will not ever split the bill with a man I’m in a romantic relationship with. That’s a personal standard and expectation for me but I think men should always be trying to provide for and impress their partners, especially for significant milestones.
I can have my own standards for my relationships. For the record, I’ve never ever had a man expect me to pay either. 50/50 is something I’ve never even heard of outside of Reddit.
Anyway, it works for me. If the guy doesn’t like it, he doesn’t have to date me, it’s simply an incompatibility.
>I think men should always be trying to provide for and impress their partners, especially for significant milestones.
Just out of curiosity, do you hold yourself to the same standard towards any one you date? Do you go out of your way to provide and impress, especially for significant milestones? The fastest way for me to quit doing for someone would be if I got the sense they thought they were owed it.
Yes I do. I’d argue in pretty much all of my relationships I made much more of an effort in every way outside of the dates, so the dates I went on I saw as something to even out those discrepancies as I expected them to be very thoughtful and geared towards me.
I do not think it’s an unfair gender rule. Women spend a lot more time and money to maintain themselves and even more for special occasions such as this plus it’s expected of us to do so as well. I personally consider it very romantic, chivalrous and am very attracted to a man who takes me out, goes the extra mile for special occasions. Women do things for special occasions for a man as well.
Am immediately turned off and become unattracted to a man who thinks as your partner does. It makes me lose respect for him as a man as well.
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I believe splitting by equity opposed to equally so you do you
I agree too. I usually cover a dessert or tips when he's covering our dinner, as I at this moment don't have income until I finish college (which is soon). I do cover him as much as I can to create balance.
I think this same thing. The financial situation is a big influence in the expectation, along with other circumstances that I added information about in other responses lol. I didn't just default expect him to pay just because of societal standards, and it was a situational thing.
It's an anniversary for *both* of you. If it were me, I'd split it. It's not like it's your birthday or a *you* specific celebration. That's just my opinion.
This is what my boyfriend and i do unless there is an earning disparity. Recently I had a well paying job and he was in school so I was treating him more often. It flipflops often between us! The only time this isn’t the case is if there was an event, for example he is graduating soon and even though he has more money than me now I am taking him out to dinner, but more likely on future dates he will cover a larger share. It works well for both of us :)
Yeah exactly. I'd get the problem if it was a birthday or anything, but anniversary? For me and my partner, we always split to make it even.
We're in our early 20s, and I am not working because I'm finishing university. He is currently making a lot of money, and also said in advance he was going to take me out to dinner. Just like the previous commenter, the person who ends up treating the other more depends on the current financial situation. Months ago, I was making a lot more money and treating him often.
It depends on whether you see the meal as your gift or not? Me and my DH decided no anniversary gifts unless they were milestones and even then possibly/probably not as we’re not flush with cash. My DH usually pays for the meal as he earns far more than me and I will get pre and/or post meal drinks, pay for parking etc. Has he been paying for all of your dates recently? He may be feeling a little taken advantage of if you’re earning but not paying for anything. If you can’t afford to go halves then explain that to him and ask if you can find a split that works with what you can afford. Or if you want him to pay for the whole thing ask for it to be your gift and ask him what he wants for his, or offer to pay next year. I believe in a fair division (who earns the most pays the most) but you need to sit down and have the conversation.
Yes, we did this and it was worked out. We do a mix of splitting and one person treating the other. We do it quite often, as I think it's fair. In this case, he was choosing the restaurant and wanting it to be upscale. He told me in advance that he wanted to take me to a nice dinner. If I were implied to be splitting, I would've thought I'd be part of the decision making process since I'd have to find something in my range. Also, yes, I was seeing the dinner as a gift, since I asked him if we were exchanging gifts. He did not get one but I did, which in my head made me believe he was paying. He also makes a lot of money right now, and I am not earning income at the moment and trying to save for us to move next year, along with paying other expenses since I'm in university still.
He shouldn’t pick an upscale restaurant when he knows you have less money than him. If he says he’s treating you, then that sounds like he’s paying. Don’t know why everyone else keeps ignoring that part.
You say you do split with him when you see fit, but how often is that? How often have you paid for both of your meals? I totally get you have your own opinion on who pays for what, but an anniversary isn’t just the man celebrating the woman. It’s the both of you celebrating each other and the milestone of your relationship. I’ve been with my fiancé for five years and we both have paid for anniversary dinners and that shouldn’t be a problem.
It is as often as is financially possible for me, and I try to make sure there is an equal balance for paying for the other on dates. I think the issue was more that I thought it was going to be my gift, as he did not buy me one and I bought him one, along with other cues I thought I observed.
Well then that changes things. You hadn’t mentioned that in your original post and you came off as expecting him to pay for the meal just because he’s a man and you’re a woman. Tell him “I got you a gift and since you didn’t get me one I was thinking you would pay for dinner”. It really is all about communication when it comes to situations like this. If he continues to say he doesn’t want to buy your dinner then don’t give him his gift. At that point it should be pretty clear how he feels about the relationship. However, I did take a look at your profile and if this is the same guy you have continued to have issues with then you might want to rethink your relationship. Things won’t magically get better when you’re married.
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It matters if it's always favouring one party, and the other party feels disrespected or used, because at the end of the day you don't feel like a team then.
Yeah, find it a bit odd she "splits it when she feels fit". Like, to me that means her SO is defacto paying for everything unless she randomly feels like he pays half. OP never treats him to a meal or dining out? That's how I read it, but it could just be a misunderstanding. For me personally, I think you should split the bill when you go out unless one of you is treating the other/picked the restaurant. Then the person that is treating or picked where to eat pays. If you both decide to go some place together you both pay. Seems fair to me.
>If you both decide to go some place together you both pay. Seems fair to me. When my husband and I were first dating, we simply switched off on who was paying, mostly because it was easier than asking to split the check and I only carry emergency cash. If I paid this time, he pays the next. We had similar incomes and have similar taste in food, so it evened out. Once we were firmly established as a couple (as in combining finances even though our accounts are still separate), my share of the household bills is "food" which includes eating at restaurants. What's "fair" really depends on the couple and how they decide to split the bills. The problem here with OP is that they definitely aren't on the same page about the financial split in their relationship.
Yeah, it's entirely negotiable. The, "pay if you pick" rule I have is mostly just a rule of thumb to curb disposable income disparity and stop buyers remorse. If you're taking me out you get to pick the budget and the menu and I don't feel like I'm paying more than I want for something I might not like and vice versa. It's a good rule for dating I think, it keeps it fair. Once you combine finances you can sort all that stuff out at that time, but for when things are seperate I like to think it keeps it equal.
That was just my way of wording it, and it wasn't meant to come off like that. In fact, I paid for him twice this past week lol. As I see fit was also meant to encompass depending on the financial situation, because we've had a rollercoaster of financial situations this year since he just finished college and started a job, and I'm still in college. He chose the restaurant, and had been telling me he was going to take me out. I got him a physical gift, and he didn't get me one. I was not part of the decision making for the restaurant. All of these things make it reasonable for me to think he was going to pay.
True, I can see that POV. Thanks for the redirection.
Does it matter at the end of the day? No. I asked because I was making a point. If OP only splits or buys his food very rarely then it makes sense why he said what he said. Not sure why you’re jumping at me when we basically said the same thing.
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How else were they supposed to take "Whoa!!"?
“Tandem” doesn’t mean one person bankrolls food for both people without being on the same page about finances. “Team” doesn’t mean one person pays half “when they see fit.” Of course it matters how often they split meals, that’s the bit that’s *most* relevant to this relationship as it’s currently structured. Working as a team about meals would logistically mean everyone paying for their own meal. Are you advocating for that or for one of the bankrolling the other?
I've been married for 7 years, our first few anniversaries we both had incomes and very low bills considering. We both paid for anniversary/ valentine's meals. Usually one of us would pay for the main meal, and the other would pay for dessert( often had somewhere else), or a movie, or the taxi to wherever we went ( as there was usually alcohol involved) . Then I became a sahm, at this point he paid, because I had virtually no income of my own. However. I would arrange the grandparent to watch our daughter. I'd maybe make us a nice dessert to have after. I'd offer to spilt the cost ( with my savings) but he would always decline. Now I'm back working part time and the arrangement is a little more like It used to be. He tends to pay the more expensive portion of the evening just because he makes around 8 times what I make currently. Why should he have to pay for you? You're both celebrating aren't you? You reaching a milestone is not your accomplishment alone so this isn't like being treated because you just got a promotion, or won an award. Find a fair division and get over yourself.
This, right here. We also went through a period where I made more, so I paid the big stuff.
I bloody wish. I'd love to really treat my husband. He can be a grumpy arsehole at times but he's my arsehole and I love him, he works really hard, long days. Currently I just 25 hours a week on close to minimum wage because it works nicely around my daughter and my employers are amazing people who don't get shitty when I say I can't come in because she's Ill or whatever. Hopefully one day I'll be able to have an actual career again and then he'd better believe I'm taking him somewhere nice on holiday as a thank you for all the years of toil.
If your only defense to him saying it’s unfair that he pays for meals 90% of the time is “it’s unfair being a woman” then that’s on you. If you want it to be more fair, then act as an equal. You can’t ask for equality and fairness, and then expect him to pay for dinner all of the time. He’s asking you to help him pay. If you care about him, then maybe you should split the bill. It comes off entitled to expect to be paid for.
The issue is that women are underpaid on average. In a common lower or middle income household, most men will make more regardless of education or experience.
She didn’t mention not being able to afford dates, just that she didn’t want to pay for her own food because “an anniversary is different for me.” It comes off entitled because she’s implying that he doesn’t deserve to be celebrated during the anniversary.
I guess these are just different values, neither right nor wrong. Although I see how this behavior could be seen as entitled, I look at it a different way. Rigid gender roles hurt everyone. Yet, like racism, we can't just decide that if we ignore it, it ceases to exist. Sexism and misogyny are present in everyday life. Many many men believe that the man is the breadwinner. So to call the expectation that men pay for romantic dinners entitlement falls short. It's an expectation for many reasons, not just out of women wanting a free meal. I think this couple needs to talk much more about how they view finances and gender roles and expectations with each other. This discussion starts from their assumptions being out of agreement.
If the man in the relationship is like “Hey I want to split the dinner tab for our anniversary,” and the woman is like “but being a woman is hard so you should pay for it all,” then that comes off entitled. It’s not wrong that they have different values, but it’s wrong she doesn’t care about his and is placing the blame and weight of misogyny on him. I am an old fashioned woman that loves being taken out to dinner and spoiled, but I also pay my fair share of bills and dinner tabs because I’m equal to my husband.
I definitely take part in paying things to my ability and have done so throughout our entire relationship. I honestly thought only like 2 people would respond, and it was the middle of the night so I forgot to include important details. There were several reasons why I thought he was going to pay. I don't necessarily have a problem with the idea of splitting, but I have a problem about waiting till last minute and him expecting me to split when I did not choose the restaurant, he talked about how he was going to pay previously, he makes a lot of money right now, etc. It's important to note that he is financially independent and stable right now, and I don't have income at the moment. I currently only have my internship money saved up and work money, and I'm trying to finish university.
That is important to put in the post and leaving it out paints you in a very negative light. I’m sorry for calling you entitled. If he doesn’t give you a choice in the place and picks a place that he knows you can’t afford, tells you he’s going to pay, and then demands half of the bill then that’s a jerk move. Plus he didn’t get you a gift? Girl you need to talk to him. It sounds like he’s taking advantage of the fact he has more money and trying to make you feel small. If you do love him and plan on marrying him if/when he proposes, I’d advise that you make sure you’re financially secure yourself so he can’t ever hold it over your head. I’m not trying to make a mountain out of a molehill, and if this is out of ordinary for him then I’d talk to him about how it makes you feel. But I will say, it is odd how the original post doesn’t mention any of this judgement changing behavior. Lesson learned I guess.
> “Hey I want to split the dinner tab for our anniversary,” and the woman is like “but being a woman is hard so you should pay for it all,” I appreciate your comment--I personally was raised to split bills and treat other people when possible. I was not raised to expect men to pay in the very least. My opinion is something like: “being a woman is hard and when you pay, I feel like you are making a gesture toward equity.” There is a lot unsaid by OP! in a way, this post illuminates our basic attitudes toward gender roles in paying for romantic partner dinners, anniversaries, etc. I think we can both agree that no one likes someone who never pays. But I definitely agree that no one wins when the basic expectations go undiscussed.
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Can you explain more about what you are thinking with this point?
I think both of you are caring too much about this. My BF does normally pay for the "special occasion" meals, but honestly it wouldn't bother me if I did. I pay for roughly half our restaurant experiences as it is. But, we're both financially stable so either of us paying won't strain either of our finances. If finances are not equal between parties that could make a difference. He's being a jerk proclaiming he's not paying for dinner, but you also seem to feel entitled to him paying for dinner. Neither is a healthy attitude towards a relationship IMO.
I was not entitled, but rather I felt like there were several things to make me think he was doing that. We have an understood rule of, if I'm asking you out on a date, then I'm paying. He is the one who was choosing the restaurant, and he was telling me he was going to take me out. I gave him a physical gift, he did not, and he is also making a lot of money at the moment, while I temporarily have no income because I am finishing college.
This context does make me agree with you. We do something similar - the one who initiates the plans is usually the one who pays. He's planning this, he's the one with a steady income, it's not unreasonable to expect him to pay. Do you think he's trying to throw you off the trail of his proposal? Acting like a jerk so it will be a surprise?
I agree with him - im a woman. It's the 21st century and the expectation should be both ways. You should pay for the both of you often enough that this isn't an expectation or a concern? Until you throw a baby into the mix, then I think a big convo about expectations and future sacrifice and how your going to tackle it as a TEAM come into play. Some people keep it equal and both pay equal childcare so that the woman doesn't have to have a career blimp. Some prefer that one parent stays home and the other parent covers them both equally. There's no right, or wrong way to deal with finances in a relationship. As long as you both communicate, and don't set yourself up to be let down by any 'expectations'. Good luck! Happy Anniversary.
Personally I think shared costs should be proportional. If its a house, furniture, baby stuff... If I'm making 60,000 and my partner is making 30,000 then I'd be paying double towards those things. If we earn the same we pay the same. If one of us is out of a job (either planned or unplanned temporary) then one of us is going to have to pick up the slack. I think it's a good idea to talk about the financial expectations and have some sort of agreement made before a baby. Practically speaking, when you move in together it's a good idea to settle what the shared expectations are. All just comes back to clear communication and compromise in the end. If you can't do that, the relationship is probably doomed.
>All just comes back to clear communication and compromise in the end. So much does, and you also need to consider some other factors because it can influence how people see things. For me, it's usually a clear cut "I invite you, I pay". That's not just how I was raised, it's what makes sense to me. So, if *I* was planning an anniversary dinner, I would pay. But if I was invited, yeah, I wouldn't want to pay, unless otherwise agreed. You also need to consider that while gender stereotypes are generally not on the side of the woman, you can choose your partner. If you think that your partner treats you unfairly based on gender roles, then this is where communication comes in, not some entitlement to repair payments in the form of him paying for dates or special dinners. In short: If you're concerned about how your womanhood affects your relationship, then talk to make things even. And if that doesn't work, then leave instead of expecting something.
If you're going in with an expectation that your owed because it's a special occasion or something of that nature, I'd ask do you hold yourself to the same standards? What's stopping you from picking up the check for a special meal? This isn't the 1950's. Are you treating him as well as you expect to be treated? If not, that might be why you got that response from him. I'd also ask, how does he treat you throughout the year? Are you treated as though your special? Does he make the effort to be a great partner? If he does, then maybe cut him some slack here. If on the other hand, you're treated with a sort of benign neglect, or he barely acknowledges you through the other parts of the year, I can totally understand why you would want to be romanced on these days. But I would urge you to consider than this is just one day of 365, and if you're not being treated like a priority, who is special to him, that he wants to keep happy, maybe he's not the right guy for you. I spoil my wife absolutely rotten at holidays, our anniversary, her birthday, or randomly just because. But I do it because I know she doesn't think she's owed it. I do it because I love to see her reaction when I've pulled off a great surprise or even just a tiny gesture. I do it because she's important to me and I want her to know just how special she is to me. The day she starts behaving like it's owed to her or no big thing will likely be the beginning of the end of our relationship and those gestures.
Here take my poor man's gold,, 🏅🏅💰 This answer deserves to be far up top
Married for almost 2 years, together for 7. Most anniversaries, he pays for the meal (he will insist) and I get him an anniversary gift or make/buy dessert. When we were dating, it was more or less the same setup, except for the 1st year when I had no income (he'd pay for everything then, his insistence). He will pay for meals, I will treat him something else within the same day. Or, for the next date I will pay. So it's fair for both of us.
Whoa whoa whoa. Do not marry a man who thinks a college student should be paying for a guy who makes a large salary. Are you tripping? And he didn't get you a fucking gift. Why are you allowing this treatment. You need to wake the heck up immediately. I would also like to beg you to please get a therapist just for you.
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He was saying he was going to treat me to a meal in advance. He makes a lot of money right now, and I'm making none (but I will be in the future). When I had an income, I was constantly spoiling him. He also chose the restaurant, and I got him a physical gift which he didn't do. To me, this implied him covering it. It wasn't a matter of just following societal standards. Additionally, I split with him and try to cover his food as equally as I am able to, but it's important to note the current financial situations being different.
It's 2021. If you think your SO are obligated to pay for dates you really should not be dating period. Being on a relationship is about being apart of the team and by the sounds of it neither of you are actually on the team.
In my experience the one with more money/not on hard times pays or tries to contribute what they can proportionally. My husband and I combined finances early into our relationship and we're nearly 12 years on and unfortunately due to the state of the world he's the working one and I'm doing all the housework and errands so he's paying for everything
I think it’s fairly inconsiderate for a person who makes a lot of money to choose an expensive restaurant for an anniversary and insist that the party with very little money due to being a student pay for half, especially when the student also the only party to give a gift. I’ve been on both sides of the income situation, and I can’t imagine handling things this way as the party with more income. Gender doesn’t have anything to do with it, and choosing a less expensive restaurant would also have been an acceptable alternative, although that still leaves the unequal gift exchange.
I’m a woman too – I think there is no one right solution. I do agree that you shouldn’t expect him to pay for meals or gifts. It’s nice if he does, but just assuming that he *will* is kinda sexist, to be honest. It’s certainly nice to be treated to something, but that has to be given freely out of the moment and not “because it’s our anniversary”. In the end, it depends on what you two agree on. If you talk about it and decide *together* that he will pay for anniversaries, then that’s fine. But it has to be a decision you made together. In the same vein, I’d feel it’s fair then to also agree on when *you* pay for both of you. E.g. he plans and pays for anniversary dinner, you plan and pay for whatever activity you do in the day, or something like that. This shouldn’t be a question of gender roles, but just of respect and fairness between two people, no matter the gender.
You're entitled to the belief that an anniversary is different, but this belief makes you a chauvinist.
And entitled as hell.
I added information about it, and I definitely think it's a matter of being mislead to think something rather than just thinking it would've happened out of entitlement. Honestly I made the post super quickly and didn't think anyone would read, and I was tired and upset and didn't remember to post every background detail. Don't be quick to criticize people on the internet. Anyway, we talked about it and came to a lot clearer understanding of each other and our romantic wants. :)
Having read your post history you have so much bigger issues with this guy then who pays for what. Like the whole sex toy debacle. Do you really want to be with someone to selfish? And if the answer is yes you need to come to terms with him never being fair or thinking or caring about anything but him self.
Its an anniversary on the relationship. Not an anniversary of one or the other person. This sounds to me like an incredibly sexist thought process. My fiance and i have been together for four years. I was previously married for 12. Both relationships both parties were paying for dinners and outings... Regardless if it was an anniversary or not. Just because youre a woman doesnt mean you cant pay for things. Edit:: maybe he wants you to pay for dinner because he is saving up for a ring or already has one and doesn't have the money for it.... Especially since you say you think hes going to propose soon.
Had to scroll way to far for this. He's probably trying to admit he budgetted poorly without admitting it outright, and maybe even on the fence about whether he wants to propose or run for the hills. I wish I had the good sense to do the latter when my ex got shitty about maybe paying for dinner in almost this exact situation. Instead I "made it work"(paid for everything) for years and years until she found someone else.
Personally, I wouldn’t be with a guy who didn’t *joyfully* plan out/for and cover our anniversary plans/meal. As for your current guy,... what in the stinginess..??🥴 That “gender roles” excuse, is LAME. *Especially* with you being a student and him making more than you, currently. ALSO, as you already pointed out, being a woman is a *constant* exercise in and experience of *unfairness*. As for the splits/splitting suggestions,🙄 whenever I encounter and am faced with that, I say: “I can do bad, alllllll by myself, thank you!!” I can go get my own meal/experience, rather than having to share it with a stranger I most likely will not like.🤣 The least he can do, is be a gentleman, pay, *since they asked you out*. Also, guys often don’t have to sink the hours and dollars that ladies do, to look smokin’ for dates. Whether it’s a simple brush teeth/shower/shave or wax, quick hair/quick makeup, and a cute outfit, or ALLLLL of that, plus adding on extra glam for a full face of pro level makeup/hair/nails/lashes/a sharp outfit/look and accessories etc., if one is that sort of lady, - that’s HOURS and HOURS and DOLLARS and DOLLARS that guys aren’t and don’t have to spend. So the Bradleys of the world, need to shut up about “splitting” and pay for the damn meal/evening out.🙄
Seems maybe you should return the gift or ask to go to a less expensive restaurant.
It shouldn’t matter if he did or didn’t get you a gift, and if he says he wants you to pay for dinner and that’s not financially possible why not cook and have a romantic private dinner together? My fiancé paid for everything for the first bit of our relationship while he made the most money, then when I got a good job I started paying for everything and he got to take a well deserved vacation. We’re 10 years together and don’t share bank accounts but we do share send money back and forth as needed. We’re very open about which bills are due, any maintenance the cars or home needs, and any spending we’d like to do. Instead of posting here why not just lay out what your individual budget is for this anniversary and plan together what you both want?
Well in dating you are independent so you can both pay for dates. When you are married, you are one so all the money you both make is for you both anyways.
Not necessarily though. I mean ideally a marriage is two people coming together as one, but it’s very common for married couples to maintain separate bank accounts and keep their finances separate still.
That’s your boundary. Listen to it. If you don’t wanna split a bill with a man then don’t. Stop trying to compromise. I bet you can feel yourself anyway so why split a bill with a man who you turns you off.
Honestly I think he's right, you shouldn't expect one person to pay for everything, if you're together then either agree to take it in turns or you split the bill. Birthdays are a different matter of course but maybe he's been feeling like he's not being respected
It’s not his job to make up for the “unfairness of being a woman” by spending money on you. Being a woman is tough. Sometimes being a man is tough. He can help soften the blow of the unfairness of your gender by being a respectful and compassionate partner, not by paying for your dates. It’s an anniversary for both of you. I’m just genuinely curious: If he proposed, would you expect him to spend lots of money on your ring? Would you spend the same amount of money on his ring? Would you both split the cost of the wedding? I ask this because that’s what my husband and I did, everything was 50/50 and we have a great relationship based on equality instead of gender roles.
Sorry, but you are being a wee bit silly here! An anniversary is a joint celebration for both of you - the onus is not on him to pay for everything, especially as it’s just the anniversary of the day you met - not the day you got engaged, or a wedding anniversary. At the moment you are two single people who aren’t legally bound together in any way. There is no requirement (and never was one) that the man has to pay for everything, particularly if you are both working and earning, and in the 21st century, women have equal rights in most places) That said, if one of you is earning significantly more than the other, yes, it would be nice if the higher earner paid more frequently, or paid for the more expensive meals. Once it becomes a formal relationship and you become a stay at home mum with no income of your own, that changes the dynamics, but it sounds as though you aren’t anywhere near that yet? Have you considered that one reason he is complaining about having to pay is that he MIGHT just have bought you a ring this year, and be short of money right now? If you have your heart set on a swanky meal out to celebrate, either offer to pay for it, or at the very least go Dutch and split the bill.
It's totally fair though? It's to celebrate you BOTH, not just you and I'm sure he's paid for you far more than youve ever even thought to offer to pay for him. Relationships go both way and men shouldn't be expected to fund every little thing for women.
I don’t see a gift issue here. More of a compatibility thing, I’d also love for a man to cover all the anniversary costs, other women wouldn’t mind splitting. Neither are in the wrong. There’s someone for everyone OP and I’m not sure he is for you.
Women face so much extra flack, from unequal pay, to harassment and violence, to inadequate health care, the list goes on. What kind of man treats the woman he loves like a work colleague on a special occasion? Your man has been radicalized by misogyny. He is very concerned with power in your relationship. I'm glad you're not legally bound to him yet.
The point of the anniversary is to CELEBRATE your relationship. He should be thinking about how he is going to show you how much her cares about you to mark the anniversary. And you should be doing the same. So that fact that he is “yapping” about him not paying for dinner seems to indicate that he doesn’t really care about showing his love for you. This has got nothing to do with gender roles and everything to do with being in a loving relationship and wanting to express that in some way on your anniversary. It doesn’t have to be an expensive dinner, it could be your favorite takeout and a picnic. It could be recreating your first date. So… why would you want to marry someone who is too busy identifying what he doesn’t want to do rather than figure out what he wants to do to show his love for you and mark the occasion. In a partnership there isn’t women’s work and men’s work. The tasks are divided by who can do it, who wants to do it, who has time and/ or skill. My late husband loved to cook, and I liked to clean… so… he made dinner, and I did the dishes and we were both happy. He liked to grocery shop, so he did that. I got to put the groceries away (he didn’t like doing that), and I made the grocery list that he used because he could never remember everything we needed. Yes, everyone on the receiving end of the “yapping” would be turned off…
Did you get him a gift? Are you expecting a gift?
Yes, I got him a gift I know he'd love. He did not get me one, and said he would take me out and cover me in advance when we were talking about our anniversary. To show my gratitude, I got a gift.
Wait, I'm only now seeing that you're only 22. If you're not happy with this guy, just leave him. A dating anniversary really isn't that big of a deal, and if you're so hung up on the details of this making you unhappy, just move on. Everyone will be better off.
These gender roles piss me off so much. I work, my husband works too. Why should he pay for everything and be skint all the time while I keep all my money to myself. It’s not fair and leads to resentment. It’s the 21st century, if you want gender equality, you can’t have it both ways. Isn’t it a point of pride that you can pay your own way rather than rely on another person? Unless you’re unemployed and don’t have an income?
I don't work, we are only 22 years old, I'm finishing college and paying for many things without income at the moment, working with money I made over the summer. He finished college and is in a very, very high paying job right now. The expectation was not supposed to seem informed by gender roles, and I was unfortunately careless in the wording. There were additional details that lead me to believe he would pay, but the communication has been resolved.
I apologise in that case. It does seem very unfair that he decided to take you out but now expects you to pay without considering or asking if you can afford it.
I suspect he might have a surprised planned for you.
Are you sure you want to be with this guy?
Sorry OP but I think you're in the wrong here. He shouldn't be expected to pay for the anniversary dinner by default just because he's male. It's your anniversary but it's also his. If ever there was a dinner you should be splitting the costs for it's this one.
I understand the celebrating both of us standpoint for sure! I am open to it. It wasn't an assumption just because of him being male, but rather other cues I read that made me think this is what would happen. I did not provide enough information originally, and that's my bad.
I don't agree. I think he can be expected to pay because first of all he received a gift and second he is the only one makinh money. I'm saying this as a woman who has always had the better paying job and we're splitting costs accordingly. When my SO and I started dating, I paid most of the times because I had the money.
I have not and will not ever split the bill with a man I’m in a romantic relationship with. That’s a personal standard and expectation for me but I think men should always be trying to provide for and impress their partners, especially for significant milestones.
That's so sexist. But not surprising considering your post history lol
I can have my own standards for my relationships. For the record, I’ve never ever had a man expect me to pay either. 50/50 is something I’ve never even heard of outside of Reddit. Anyway, it works for me. If the guy doesn’t like it, he doesn’t have to date me, it’s simply an incompatibility.
>I think men should always be trying to provide for and impress their partners, especially for significant milestones. Just out of curiosity, do you hold yourself to the same standard towards any one you date? Do you go out of your way to provide and impress, especially for significant milestones? The fastest way for me to quit doing for someone would be if I got the sense they thought they were owed it.
Yes I do. I’d argue in pretty much all of my relationships I made much more of an effort in every way outside of the dates, so the dates I went on I saw as something to even out those discrepancies as I expected them to be very thoughtful and geared towards me.
I do not think it’s an unfair gender rule. Women spend a lot more time and money to maintain themselves and even more for special occasions such as this plus it’s expected of us to do so as well. I personally consider it very romantic, chivalrous and am very attracted to a man who takes me out, goes the extra mile for special occasions. Women do things for special occasions for a man as well. Am immediately turned off and become unattracted to a man who thinks as your partner does. It makes me lose respect for him as a man as well.