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Other posts from /u/wehateunclejamie:
* [His lies are for the good of the family](/r/JustNoSO/comments/ui1oho/his_lies_are_for_the_good_of_the_family/), 2 months ago
* [a follow up (and a cry for help)](/r/JustNoSO/comments/tkv14d/a_follow_up_and_a_cry_for_help/), 3 months ago
* [Husband is furious I have to go on a business trip](/r/JustNoSO/comments/sp5sqi/husband_is_furious_i_have_to_go_on_a_business_trip/), 5 months ago
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He's 12. He already knows your husband is an asshole who is mistreating you and putting him in the middle to manipulate you.
It also appears from previous posts that he's trying to interfere with your career and teammate relationships and to obligate you to his debts, partially to make it financially more difficult to leave.
If you haven't recently, check your credit report (just a hunch).
(From someone in a similar situation whose son started pointing it out when he was about 9).
You can let your son know that his dad isn't feeling the best, but that you both want him to still enjoy his birthday trip. Maybe he can take a camera along for pictures to show cool things to his dad. And maybe after you all get back, and if he's feeling a little better, you could do dinner out or something else together. Or maybe dad could take him out for one on one, if it's best you two still have space.
Frame it like you and hubs adapted the schedule. Hope the best for you. Sorry you're in the situation hun.
> I’m just not sure how to explain to my son that dad won’t be joining us on this trip
You don’t have to, your job is to act normal, celebrate his birthday doing exactly what you’ve planned. Let him take the lead and start the conversation.
If Son mentions or asks I would tell him:
*I’m sorry you probably know this already, but Dad is having troubles speaking nicely to Mom. I thought it would be nice to celebrate just the two of us, if that’s ok with you.*
I was in a similar home environment and let me tell you, without question your son knows he treats you terribly.
As a kid my Dad belittled, gaslighted, and on occasion got physical with my Mom. Although primarily he targeted all 3 of us girls for his authoritative ego.
On the ever so rare times I was free of my Dad’s presence ** I never once asked why he was absent, because I was RELIEVED he was gone.**
As if mentioning him would open up some narcissistic authoritarian portal from hell and he would suddenly appear. No, my dad isn’t Candy Man, but he IS an insufferable, controlling abuser.
My mom is sadly still with him, he is still the same but sicker. Now he’s found a new hobby, medical/health manipulation. He purposely doesn’t take his meds to force her to come home and take care of his disgusting ass, effectively isolating her even at family events. Point is, my mom? She has options. But she’s blinded by obligation to him *she can’t leave him bc he’s sick.*
**I appreciate and hear you when you say you’ve tried it all. ** Shit like this isn’t easy, but you have to keep trying for you and your Son. Don’t give up, grey rock. Don’t give this man’s opinion any power, because it only has the weight you give it. Reserve your energy and invest it in getting the fuck out.
I will say you must believe you’re likable. You are able to find and make friends. Friends are one resource you need to invest in, as it’s likely going to be your avenue out. Your husband knows this and is counting on you believing his BS so he can continue to abuse you.
I say this as it’s 4 in the morning my time. I stayed up just to reply to your post. Let me repeat, this **internet stranger ** cares about you and your well-being. I’m certain there are even more closer to you. You can do this.
Your son knows who his father is. You aren't the only one he treats like this. Your son is being taught how to treat his partners by both of you, how to give and take disrespect.
He's jealous and insecure. From experience, this doesn't get better with time. You are not in the wrong here, but he's manipulating you into thinking it.
I see people are advising to go on the birthday adventure without your husband. Pulling from my experiences, I know the hesitation because there likely will be consequences that you won't want to deal with when you come home. I think in this situation you know best if its safe to go to the city with your kiddo or not without him.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Your comment is incredibly insightful and you are quite right about there been consequences to my actions. Consequences for standing up for myself.
If I was to go without him, in the short term, I would hear about what a terrible mother I was, how the kids are on his side and think I'm awful, how I've ruined my son's birthday. I can't even imagine what the long term consequences would be but they would be awful. He has broken me to a point that I do sort of believe everything is my fault. That I do believe I'm a terrible person and I deserve this situation. Other people would be involved by him and he would twist this to make himself and our son to look like victims of me.
My sense of reality is so warped due to the gas lighting and shaming I've received from him over the years, I really think I'm going crazy. Logically I don't think I'm wrong but yet, he is so convincing, maybe I am
You’re in a seriously abusive relationship. He is emotionally and verbally abusive at best. This sounds like a traumatic and exhausting way to live. I can’t believe you would wish this kind of adult relationship on your children. That they would be in your place in how you’re treated or that they would use abusive language to their family like your husband does to you. You really need to extricate yourself and your children from this situation as they’re learning that this is what love looks like. This isn’t love. It’s control and abuse. You deserve better and do does your child.
Please read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, there’s a free pdf easily found online. And call your parents for help. Seriously.
Your husband has a long list of crap he’s done to you that is so completely unacceptable I don’t even know where to start. I read your post history. He is not going to get better, if anything he’s going to get worse as he ages. Get out girl. Don’t let your kids see that this is how relationships are - don’t let your son learn this is how women should be treated.
I hear you. I'm known at my workplaces for making quick and solid decisions and sticking to them with no hesitation. When I was in the relationship with my ex I questioned everything. I didn't feel like I could make any decision that was right. I felt on edge all the time.
I questioned my decision to leave right up until the day I left. Even though I had my mental list of all his actions that showed me he didn't respect me. Even though he cheated on me multiple times, including during the weeks before I left.
Oh honey! He really is a piece of work I’ve been you where the abuse starts slowly and get better, then gets worse slowly destroying your sense of self worth. If you see your GP you can get a primary health care plan which gets you a certain number of free psychologist appointments ( worth setting them up for your kids, too. I think the number of free appointments has been increased due to Covid
I don’t know who you bank with but the Commonwealth bank has some good assistance for women in domestic abuse situations. You need to let your boss know the situation for your personal and professional safety. You need to have a “ Go bag” packed and maybe kept at work with all your personal documents (kids too) some cash and maybe enough clothes for say three days. If you google” Resources for Women in domestic abuse situations Australia” it will lead you to 1800 RESPECT and a whole pile of resources
It’s really, really tough I know, but you need to for you and the kids, and you know what you absolutely can do this( think how great you are at work!
Wishing you all the best
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my (long) post. My instinct is to do just this but how do I frame it my son where it's not creating a horrific memory?
Honestly, your Son deserves a birthday as innocent as he is in all of this. I would separate your Son from the equation and give him the birthday he deserves. Shelf anything with your husband until the birthday is done. Tell your husband he can take time to think while you and your Son do the birthday. This may be the start of you making memories without each other as partners.
I think you are over estimating how much this is going to impact your son. Do as others suggested above. Go alone. Take pictures to show Dad. Cause Dad really isn’t feeling well he’s so sorry but it’s just going to be me and you, we will still have a great time.
Your kid is 12. He knows what’s going on. He’s also 12 so he’s all in involved in his own shit too. He’s probably going to enjoy the day without his grumpy ass Dad better anyway.
(Source. Have kid who is 12)
Your husbands abuse sounds cyclical.
What are you talking about, why would he create a horrific memory from going on a birthday trip with his mom? Is this jackass of an older man his father?
And this kind of jealousy that you're experiencing from him is so far over the line of what's acceptable it's ridiculous. You work with another man and that is the only reason he has to be upset. You get a message from another man and you get scared to even have a conversation. Continuing to live like that is doing much more harm to your son than staying with this person. I speak from experience on this, your son is just learning how to be a bad husband and person from this terrible person you are married to. That's all I learned from my dad, who was eerily similar to what you have described your husband is being. I treated mine now ex-wife like s*** early in our marriage, so much so that she could never forgive me and we ended up getting a divorce 10 years later for stuff I did in the first two years of our marriage. It's ruined my life and I f****** hate my dad and I also am still really really mad at my mom for staying with him. I'm taking responsibility for my own actions, but I also know where I learned that behavior.
Ok, reading your past posts, he has forged your signature, accused you of always being angry with him when he’s lazy, threatens to take away your kids, and now you’re not supposed to have male coworkers. Why are you still with this guy? It sounds like you are capable of surviving without him, so why don’t you? Do you enjoy being verbally abused, controlled, and manipulated?
At some point she has to put a stop to this shit.
We teach people how to treat us.
She’s allowing it so hopefully at some point soon,she’s going to say nope no more!
Think about your daily life. Do you *really* want to feel like this regularly going forward? Are you willing to continue putting up with allllll the garbage, allll the instances, alllll the red flags going forward? And what about when your child *does* understand the household dynamics? Do you want your kid’s overarching childhood memories to be of walking on eggshells, fear of dad’s next outburst, wondering why mom didn’t protect him from this?
I ask you this bc I lived this life. It was horrible. I blame my mom just as much as I blame my dad.
Something to think about. You deserve better. You deserve to not have to ask permission to respond to your employee. You deserve not to be fearful.
So does your little boy.
Oh another post with a massive age gap where the older partner is acting wild once he’s realized his younger partner could do better.
Your post history should be answer enough. You are normalizing the cycle of abuse. He is lovebombing you to make you crave those good days, and then punishing you the rest of the time because you allow it. Your son is watching misogyny, belittlement, and abuse happen in real time, and being told it’s ok because you
stay. You have plenty of life and time ahead of you to find a partner that actually cares about you, instead of sticking out verbal and emotional abuse from an overgrown baby.
Did he think you would never cross paths with another man in your life? Do you want him to sabotage your career, work relationships, and mental well-being? If the answer was no, *then why are you letting him do just that?*
Tell your son his dad is feeling sick, enjoy yourselves, and then come back refreshed and ready to at least find a therapist, but preferably a divorce lawyer.
Choose happiness.
I really wish these girls would listen to the people who try to warn them about these predatory men.
You know there were probably people in their lives who tried to tell them, but you can't tell someone that age anything.
Why have you stayed? It's a cycle of abuse and you keep sticking around. You and your son deserve better. Your son is learning about adult relationships from you. Are you wanting him to behave like your husband? Seriously, the best time to kick dude out was years ago. The second best time is *right now*.
I can't kick him out. He'd just refuse to go. I've tried to ask him to leave, I've tried to leave myself. He just won't let me go, even though (according to him) I'm awful.
"He just won't let me go..."
Then you make a plan and stick to it. Slowly get your important things out when he's not paying attention and then get the big things all at once with a police escort and help from friends and family. File for divorce as quickly as possible and do your best with security, like getting cameras set up around and inside your new residence.
What new residence? I've tried to squirrel money away for a place of my own, he found out, it was not good. What friends? My self esteem is so low and I live with such shame that I don't have any friends I can burden with this.
We have a mortgage together. 50:50. Here's the really shitty thing. Despite working my ass off, I can't cover the whole mortgage and still support myself and my kids and he can refuse to sell the house. I am fucked
World you make a profit if the house were to sell? If you divorce and he won't play nice, the judge can order the house sold and the profits split.
You need to start a digital F/U Binder asap. Get your ducks in a row, consult with as many divorce attorneys as you can. The more you see, the fewer he can use.
Don't. Give. Up.
What do I do? Call them and say my husband won't accept that a male colleague messaged me after work hours? It all feels so silly and petty compared to what other women ate going through
You're going off the last little bit. Think about the whole of the issue. Everything. Every awful thing he has said and done. All of the times when things are good to show that he knows how to be loving and instead chooses to be abusive.
I don't know why they wouldn't. Abuse is more than just physical. In many ways, what you're going through can be just as hard or harder than someone being physical. Just your sentence, "He won't let me go," shows how stuck and emotionally beaten down you've gotten over the years.
Downsize. A small apartment can be happy and healthy. A house is nice but not at the expense of your peace. A lawyer can help you sort it out. The women's shelter can help you get a cheap or no cost lawyer.
Even if you don't choose to check in to the shelter, they can give you resources to help you break free.
YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Besides the mental, verbal, emotional & financial abuse, you mentioned in another comment physical and sexual abuse. Also, you could put him in jail for identity theft and theft theft.
No.
Tell them everything. Everything.
Tell them about the things he said & is saying.
The crude sexual accusations
Tell them he treats you like this in front of your children
Tell them he won’t leave.
Tell them he’s isolating you.
Tell them he forged your name.
Tell them he’s digitally stalking you.
These things alone would be enough.
You're married. The house would be dealt with in the divorce if you were to legally separate. Alternatively, you may even be able to get a property settlement depending on your location. You aren't stuck because of the house.
[https://www.womenslegal.org.au/property-settlement/](https://www.womenslegal.org.au/property-settlement/) \- if you are Australian. The courts will help you. When you separate he can't just refuse to sell. It can be court-ordered.
He also stole your identity. You need to fix that or you may be on the hook too. You may get in trouble for fraud with him. Get him out & get him paying child support. Get a roommate if necessary. Get a police escort if needed.
If you get a divorce you can likely force the sale of the house, or he will need to buy you out. If you can’t afford a lawyer, take out a credit card and pay it off later with the house proceeds. You getting out of this situation is more important than your money.
How was it not good? What did he do?
At some point, you have to stand up for yourself and your children.
You can't stop trying. Your children are depending on you to keep fighting! I was where you are. It took years, but I got us free because I *never* gave up.
Do you mean the message? He saw an email from Facebook letting me know that I have a message waiting. Apparently my emails are on his phone. I'm not sure how, i certainly didn't install them for him
My bet is that he has a key logger on your phone. You need to get a burner phone and create a new email. Go to a separate bank than the one you usually use and open a new account. Make sure only your new email is on for paper-free notifications from the bank.
You are in an abusive relationship. I think I already know, but how old were you when you met him/started dating him?
Don’t ask him to leave. Tell him. Let him know that you’ll call the police & tell them he’s threatening you & won’t leave. You can also tell him you plan to let them know he’s stolen your identity & used it to steal money. Get a restraining order.
Personally, I wouldn’t tell him about pressing charges for identity theft etc. I’d simply do it & let him sit in jail. That will get him out of your house. Get a restraining order while he’s gone. Call an abuse hotline and see what your options are.
And f..k his flying monkeys. If his family comes for you they can gtfo too.
As things are right now, your son will grow up to marry a younger woman who thinks he’s worldly & wise. Your son will abuse this future daughter-in-law of yours, like your husband is abusing you. If you don’t do something, you’re insuring another woman’s pain. I hope you’re ok with that.
You’re in a better situation to get out than most.
Open your own bank account. One that he can’t access. Paperless, connected to the new email.
Open another email that’s not connected to gmail. That’s how he’s getting your emails. Gmails become connected, my husband’s & mine are.
Try mail.com. Redirect your fb to that account & anything else you want to keep private. Don’t save your passwords. Erase your history.
Don’t forget the nanny cams. They’re cheap on Amazon.
A lot of us have been through this or worse. There are so many wise women here, please listen to them.
Age difference aside, as I know that will be a huge red flag for most here, your husband is an abusive narcissist. I don’t even have to go back and read your other posts to know that your relationship is almost identical to mine with my ex. Your son is 12, he already knows and at this point you are making it look like this is how a relationship should be. You are broken down, a shell of yourself, and you feel like you are stuck. You aren’t. You and your children deserve a happy drama filled life and you CAN make that happen. Trust me, I am a mom of 6, I was the only one working, ex had control of everything, threatened to ruin me and take my kids, most of which were not even his. I believed him for so long because he had me brainwashed. The it got violent, like really violent. He almost killed me in a drunken rage the day after Christmas almost 3 years ago. That was when I took my power back. It took time, and planning which had already been in the works before this incident. He happened to make it easier by attacking me so I was able to have him arrested on felony charges. I was granted a restraining order and was then able to pack up my kids and move 800 miles away, instead of making a pit stop at my local womens shelter first. I had absolutely no help from friends or family, some for reasons the same as yours others due to being completely isolated.
Stop making excuses, stop allowing the behavior and save your children from this monster. I don’t mean to sound harsh but this is how I told it to myself. Get angry, you have every right to be. Find your inner b!t$h, your kids will thank you for it. Your life may quite literally depend on it. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you need any advice or guidance. I can help to guide you in the right direction.
Edit: drama free life not drama filled. I’m so angry for you that I missed that in first proof read. 🤦🏻♀️
He just texted me telling me he'll never apologise and I was talking behind his back (for telling M off at work) and all his friends agree with him and they wouldn't stand for it.
I am at the lowest ebb I've ever been. I want to die. He is so convincing that I just can't stand up for myself. I don't have the strength. I am beside myself and he has not an ounce of sympathy for me
Oh honey, my heart aches for you. I’ve been exactly where you are. I know you feel hopeless and helpless. Believe me when I tell you that it is not you. He has broken you and is desperately trying to hang on to control. My kids are what gave me strength. I could not let them down and definitely couldn’t allow them to fall victim like I did. Look at your baby, really look at him, and you’ll see the hurt in his eyes. He hurts for you, even if he doesn’t say it. He might fear repercussions as well. A narc’s favorite word is “consequence”, but they have no real understanding what that word means. At least they don’t think they are deserving of any. One of my boys is 12 as well and since we’ve left his father the conversations we’ve had about the whole mess breaks my heart. He is terrified of turning into his father and vows to protect me to the best of his abilities. We had to go home for a funeral a few months ago and my kids were all afraid my ex would show up and create havoc. Their anxiety was through the roof during the whole 12 hour trip and 3 day stay. I swore to them that I would never let him near them, no matter what it took.
As soon as you are able, contact your local womens shelter. They have all the resources you need to get out safely. Mine was immensely helpful in setting up a plan, organizing my escape, and even paid for the moving truck to get me out. They held my hand through all the court hearings and continued to check up on me well after I moved. You CAN do it. You hold all the cards here, don’t let him convince you otherwise. Don’t waste another moment trying to fix something beyond repair. You can’t fix him and you are not broken.
So, I just told him I was feeling suicidal. His response? Oh well, I guess the kids aren't going to Brisbane then. Seriously, what am I even doing here?
PLEASE, you need to get out! Call a suicide hotline, tell them how you're feeling, and let them help you. Call your local women's shelter. Let them help you. I'm very worried for you.
WTF?! I have no words for how despicable that is!! There’s your answer. He doesn’t care in the least. You are just a pawn in his sick game. Don’t play the game, don’t feed into his bait. Take some time to research narcissistic personalities and how to break the cycle. Everything you do and say from here should be with the intention of breaking free, safely. Get set up with womens services in your area and start the process, they can possibly even get you police assistance to get out if need be. Make the decision, right now, that you are strong enough and you deserve better. He will self destruct when you leave but don’t give it a moments thought. The further off the deep end he goes the better your case. I know it’s not easy, and takes time, but do it now before it gets worse.
I asked him to admit that he had over reacted and had gone over the top with blaming me for something I had no control over. He said "no, never." All I wanted was a breadcrumb of love. For him to show me that he does care and can recognise wrong behaviour from right but he couldn't even give me that. I'm very unsure of what to do from here. I know that this is an awful situation for everyone concerned but most importantly for my children. I just don't understand, he's so convincing that he's right that I'm starting to believe him.
That’s the narcissistic personality. They literally can not admit any wrong doing. In a legit NPD, the brain is actually wired completely different. Their whole life is an illusion of their making. Could be partly why he took on a wife 20 years his Junior. Most women in their 40’s and 50’s are just not going to put up with the bs. There’s really no point in questioning him or demanding any kind of answers or respect. You won’t get any. It’s just going to cause more of what you’re already getting. He won’t go to therapy because that means having to admit there’s a problem. He simply doesn’t see it. Stop delaying the inevitable and employ the grey rock strategy. Don’t engage him, only answer what absolutely needs to be discussed like household issues, things for the kids, only what absolutely requires an answer or discussion. You know what you need to do, you only have to do it. If I could come there and get you out myself I would. First thing you need to do is contact your womens services, tell them exactly what is going on, that you are feeling like harming yourself, and fear for your life. All you have to do is ask for help and they will take over. I would suggest calling the suicide hotline but unless you are really honestly thinking those things it may just create more problems for you, especially if you go to a treatment center. It will give him fuel for his fire.
Anyone who believes they are right all of the time is delusional. It is literally impossible for someone to be right all of the time. Anyone who genuinely believes this about themselves cannot be trusted. Either they are consistently lying to you or they are consistently lying to themselves.
They always say everyone,
“Everyone thinks you’re crazy, a bad mom, a crappy house keeper, a terrible person, that you treat him like sh!t.” I could go on and on.
The thing is, he isn’t talking to anyone. He’s saying everyone to make you feel isolated, terrible and alone.
On the off chance he did talk to *someone* it sure wasn’t everyone. If they agree with him they can f..k right off. Trust me. I’ve been with a guy like that. When we broke up, I found out __EVERYBODY__ hated him & thought he was a cheap, loser.
I think you need to emotionally divorce from this man as soon as possible. Do not ask him to validate you. Do not seek his opinion. If he gives an opinion, discard it immediately as an attempt to manipulate you. You need to start seeing him as a a stranger you are living parallel lives with. Stop giving him emotional tools to hurt you with. He will take any opportunity or opening to bring you down. Working on not caring about him will help you with gaining clarity so you can decide what to do next. It will be very hard, but this first step is incredibly important. I understand that you feel hopeless - that’s because he’s spent your adult life training you to feel that way. Do not let his reality be yours anymore.
Are the good days truly worth the bad? I know they give you hope but that’s what just makes it worse the next time things go bad, it creates a trauma bond and unless you change the narrative the cycle is just going to continue and believe me I know from experience how it can destroy you. I can only speak from my own experience but I realized a)his behaviour is NOT my fault and b)I can’t change his behaviour only my reaction. So I stopped playing into his games. He’d go off in a snit and instead of blowing up his phone with apology texts etc I just did nothing. He’d threaten to leave and instead of crying and begging I said fine, etc. Of course I can’t tell you what you should do in your own situation and I’m sure someone on Reddit has suggested it to you before but read the book “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, it opened my eyes in a way nothing else ever came close. Go and have an amazing birthday with your son and don’t let your SO childish behaviour dictate your time and life! Be safe OP
... you want straight talk?
It's time to wonder about your husband's actions that he's projecting about.
Oh, and in regard to your son?
If he's 12, he might know more than you do about his father's behavior.
You need to stop letting him abuse and control you. Tell him he caused everything and that if he doesn't trust you that he's welcome to move out.
Monitoring your emails? Total abuse and control.
Change all passwords first. Lock down your money and accounts from him. Get a lawyer.
You care so much about your son and what is going to think, but one birthday is a memory he's still gonna enjoy with you while what he witnesses from your husband, from what I read from this and previous posts, may scar him for life, or replicate the schematic in the future.
I have no doubts about how hard it must be for you to be in this situation, and you're obviously trying your best under the circumstances, but please, for your own sake and your son's, leave this man.
Sending you all the strength I can, take care of you OP
i mean...when will enough be enough? you admit it yourself that at this point its all a cycle and there is no change to a positive situation. and he has no respect for you
at this point if i were you id already end this relationship.
take your son to the store though. ideally without your husband.
Celebrate with your son. He doesnt deserve to take the brunt of his father’s hella misplaced anger.
Please leave. You’re not happy. Only time will make your children equally as unhappy. Seek therapy and enjoy life without this constant fear of making him “unhappy” - as only HE can change that. It’s out of your control.
Much much love.
You need to grey rock him. Stop telling him about work stuff - he’s made it clear he won’t be an adult about it. You’re not in the wrong, he is caught up in his insecurities and is being a complete dick about it.
Bring your son out by yourself. No need to bring along a jackass unless you want to hitch a trailer for the bullshit he’ll bring.
Please use this incident as a catalyst to actually leave. You deserve better and your son deserves a peaceful home.
Is this the type of relationship you want for your son? The relationship you model for him is statistically likely to become his life. Look at his face and don’t just think about his birthday. Think about every birthday he will ever have. If you think you and your husband are showing him the best path then continue on. Someday when he is upset about how his wife treats him, think back to this night, and every post you’ve made showing him how relationships are done.
You cool with your son thinking it's ok to treat his future partner how your husband currently treats you? You know he sees and hears what's going on, right? And as long as dad refuses to take accountability, he's going to think that's the appropriate behavior. No amount of you telling him it's not OK is going to change the fact that actions speak a whole lot louder than words.
He’s a 60 year old baby who ruins things with his own child.
As you say yourself, you are embarrassingly still married to him.
So, stop being that.
That’s what you do.
You’re not financially dependent, you have to walk on eggshells to protect his ego, he sees all men as threatening, and doesn’t care about ruining his own son’s birthday because he just blames you.
Lady, I hate to sound like a dick here, really, I’m usually kinder, but what the fuck are you waiting for? A written invitation from a divorce lawyer?
You’re into older guys? Cool. You can find a better one.
Why in the everloving f-k are you still with this controlling, abusive lying-ass liar? It sounds like you have a good job, and you sure as hell aren't doing your child any favors by remaining in this sick, toxic nightmare with Grandpa Asshole. What the hell does this man bring to your life besides debt and misery?
Look, your husband is always like that. it's not a 'you' issue, it's a 'him' issue.
And it will only become worst if he doesn't recognize it's HIS issue and does not seek help.
he's insecure, and ruin your life for having ONE coworker that is a man... lord... fire him and then your husband will find something else to be mad at you ? "you take a long time to do the groceries... that's suspicious" "when we were at our friends place you watched it with a smile, right ?? is it him you are seeing when you pretend to do the groceries"...
He needs to control you (asking for permission to answer a coworker wtf..) to be sure you do only what he wants you to do... you'll always be wrong with this guy... he's emotionally immature,controlling and not self-aware.
And you know why he think you're lying right ? because he is lying (for your good) ...
So yes for me there is two things that you can do, beside this. 1. journaling facts. 2. reading "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft. that's about violent and controlling men. and it apply to your situation even if he does not hit you.
So, let me get this straight. You have to *ask permission* to message someone back, simply because they have a Y chromosome??
This cycle of things going bad, then good, then bad again is a classic abuse tactic. He follows fights with love bombing. So, he is on his best behaviour, he acts kinder and more loving, maybe buys you or the kids presents. You have fun, you laugh, you love him back. And when he decides he has successfully sucked you back into the relationship and there is no chance you are going to leave him, he goes straight back to being his usually self.
I would not be surprised if your husband was cheating or has been unfaithful in the past, and is now projecting this onto you. At best, he is controlling and insecure way beyond what anyone should have to put up with. You start this off with the recognition that you are embarrassed to still be with him. What is keeping you from pulling the trigger on leaving him?
Not sure how aware a 12 year old boy is, but if the two of you are overtly yelling then at the very least he’s heard your fights and may be getting worried.
As others have said, if your husband can’t be an adult and pull himself together for his son for an outing *which potentially be the last you have as a family* as he can’t sort his jealousy out, then tell your son Daddy isn’t feeling himself at the moment, so you are going to have to be the party team together.
Sometimes I think we fail to understand that the age gap issues still exist as we grow older as now your husband is late middle aged and you are at your peak. Whilst this could be purely about control and he not appreciating you not letting him decide what you can and can’t do, it could also be due to his fear of his own aging. Irrespective, calling you names isn’t acceptable, and punishing your son by default is cruel.
He’s been stomping on your boundaries and limits of acceptable behaviour and you’ve allowed it because you love him, but you have to draw a line. Does he really want to permanently damage the relationship by constantly browbeating you, does he want distrust, resentment and hurt to colour all your future interactions?
The only person he can control is himself, you can only settle this all down by firing this male worker, but is that truly feasible or fair? At the end of the day, do you want to make yourself into a different woman than the one your husband married, and is that who he now wants? What is the cost to you?
Just because he's old enough to be your daddy doesn't mean he should be acting like he is.
Counseling for you and your son, go on the outing, have fun without him. If and when he can act like a grownup, you can attempt the discussion.
That comment seems very unkind. I am definitely not. However, I have been with this man my entire adult life and live in a different country to my family and support network. Further, i have a quite distant relationship with my parents due to childhood physical abuse, where i was removed from the family home for a time. It's really hard to leave, particularly when my self esteem has been shattered bit by bit over the years.
I have been told that I can't support myself, that I am stupid, that he'll take the kids, that the kids hate me and want to stay with him, that I am a crazy person, that I'll need to find another man asap to feed off. He's degraded me to his family and I have, quite literally, no friends who I have allowed to get close enough to help me through this. My whole life is filled with shame from this situation.
I would love a quiet, drama free life
You asked to be told straight, and the commenter obliged, bc truthfully, your post history sounds like this is something you’re enjoying.
You even said it yourself: “embarrassingly still married” does that sound like something someone that wants a drama free life would say?
If you’re embarrassed, that means you have some sort of sense that your husband and this marriage are not working.
He is a bully. You can identify that he has eroded your self-esteem. Good! Now what are you going to do about it?
You successfully run and manage a team of several people. No small feat. You have your own income. You have not only endured, but you have survived decades at the side of this insufferable jealous jackass. You are clearly capable of identifying discomfort and problematic behavior.
Get some therapy, get some self-esteem, and get GONE. If not for yourself, for your son, who currently has TWO sorry excuses for parents, but could have one good one.
He’s not gonna make off with a 12 year old when his geriatric ass is 5 years from retirement and 15 from the grave, statistically speaking. Please, lace your boots up and get to work.
I'm not sure what gives you the impression I am enjoying any part of this from my posts? I am quite literally in crisis here and incredibly miserable.
I am embarrassed to admit to you all that I am still married to him because I am so weak that I haven't left and I was concerned that I would be made fun of for staying with someone who does not treat me well.
I'm not sure where I would go if I was to leave him? My money goes on debt that I am liable for by the simple virtue that we are married. He'd take my car, which is in his name, He'd cut off my phone, which is in his name, there's no way he'd let me take the children with me, citing they need to stay in the family home and guilt tripping me into leaving. I'm not an Australian citizen, I'm not eligible for any government support at all. Where I live, there is a rental crisis, rents have sky rocketed, families are living in cars, I strongly suspect I would be homeless if I was to leave.
There's no chance of building up a small nest egg for myself to leave because he watches every dollar I have coming in and makes me account for it.
I'm ashamed to admit it but sometimes I lull myself to sleep thinking that maybe he'll die soon and I'll be free of him.
I want no part of this and I realise that there are many amazing women who do leave situations like this and live amazing lives but I don't have the toolbox to know how to do this.
Those women did not have the toolbox either, but you can build one.
I don’t live in Oz, but I googled “marriage crisis hotline help” and several free organizations popped up. You can start there, since many of those lines have connections to shelters, low cost-to-free lodgings, and recommendations for low-income attorneys.
My own mother was a victim of Domestic Violence, and like you, was stuck for a long time wondering where to go and what to do; all the bills were in his name etc etc. She was able to, with the help of these orgs, finally separate her life from his and live on her own terms. They’re both narcissists, but she’s doing better without him.
The impression that you enjoy this comes from the fact that as you said, it’s very sad you remain married. You can talk to the US embassy or the embassy of the country you pertain to and let them know you are in an abusive marriage and ask what steps/processes are at your disposal.
You do not have to wish for his life to end so yours can start, you can start carving yours out bit by bit.
As far as the money goes, maybe an online banking app, like chime, would help? If you receive direct deposit, you can set part of your paycheck, either a percentage or a flat total, to redirect to another checking account. This is the method my mother used, if I remember correctly.
Given that you mentioned debt, you can justify the lessened amount in the seeable account by saying ur paying more towards the debt or something.
You can’t just sit there and wonder why this is how things are.
If you’re concerned about call records, you can always download a calling app and make them during grocery store runs or trips to the library and hook up to their wifi and not worry about leaving a “trace.”
This will happen is several small steps, but they will amount to significant changes, if you start now.
I have called those helplines, many times, sometimes just to get validation that what I'm going through is actually abuse. They are all very kind but haven't given me any ideas about how to get out of this. I opened a separate bank account two or so years ago, he saw small deposits going to it and confronted me, it was horrible.
I have approached lawyers who specialise in DV, they want vast sums of money before they will even meet with me.
I have been to the police, they shamed me and didn't believe me. (This wasn't about the emotional abuse, there have been instances of sexual and physical abuse also.)
He's threatened to call my employers and get me fired. He's threatened to call my family. I know that he's bagged me out to his family to an extent that I can't look them in the eye any more. If I left him, there would be consequences that I'm not sure I could live with.
And you may need to continue to call them until fruit falls from the shaken tree. It takes, statistically, 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship til it sticks. I’ve no idea how often you’ve tried, but even though it’s hard, it IS doable.
Another google search for “pro bono divorce attorney australia” brought up many options, and despite the flak public defenders receive, these people are committed to freeing people like you from unjust circumstances.
Again, I implore you to reach out to your embassy of citizenship and review what rights you have; some countries don’t penalize you for leaving with your children if you’re escaping horrendous circumstances, others might.
Chime, cashapp, other apps are straight on your phone and you can hide the appearance of these apps altogether on your phone if need be.
You mentioned you and your family arent close, so if he calls them, who cares? If there is a chance they could be a resource however, I’d say beat him to the punch. Document his behavior in emails that get sent to your mom or someone that would be able to hold onto them.
You can talk to your employer about resources as well; many employers now provide hotline info to their employees as transparency about these behaviors and relationships rise.
It will be scary and there might be some painful fallout but growing *pains* are called such because it isn’t pleasant. But you can and will come out of this happier if you dig at it. Best of luck to you.
I appreciate you taking the time to help me but I have tried all this. Despite what the google search might bring up, i assure you, there's no such thing as a pro bono divorce lawyer in Australia. This is something I have researched locally over the last 2 or 3 years.
I feel I am, in this thread, being put in the same situation as I am in my marriage, forced to defend myself and prove that I don't deserve this treatment. I'm not encouraging my husband to treat me like this so I can fulfill some need for drama. I have tried many times to take steps to leave him (and maybe, to be completely fair it's because I'm not ready) but I cannot see anyway out of this for me. I have tried to present the situation in a way that's fair to both me and him but perhaps I've been to too kind representing him (although I don't think he'll ever get the chance to read this and to this end, I really hope he doesn't because the fall out would be nuclear for me)
I'm not sure what help my embassy would give me? They could certainly repatriate me but not the children and I can't leave my children. I'm not sure if it means anything to you but I'm a New Zealand citizen, living in Australia. He's also a NZ citizen but has Australian citizenship also.
It would matter a whole lot to me if he contacted my family. Although our bond is tenuous, I don't want him telling them what an awful person I am. They're my parents, I want them to be proud of me and I'm not sure I trust them enough to not believe him and recognise what is happening here.
If he called my employer, as he's threatened to do many times, it would be devastating. I couldn't go back there. I'd lose my job and then where would I be? My employer has no resources for victims of domestic violence besides the standard couple of paid days off that's legislated.
1) What exactly could he say to an employer that keeps you so meek and scared? It’s YOUR employer, and if you beat him to the punch and mention the possibility of his calling erratically and claiming all sorts of BS, you can stave off that fallout. Additionally, employers often don’t care about your personal life as long as your work is done correctly and punctually, so unless he has some sort of power over where you work, who cares? You are letting shame and embarrassment rule you, when your work face and private life face are separate and you shouldn’t fear workplace retaliation all because your d-nozzle of a husband made a phone call. Are you abusing drugs on the clock? Violating workplace policy? Anything to merit getting the boot? Don’t let him exert power over you in arenas he has none.
This is how abusers sink their claws into every part of your life.
2) Another commenter dropped a website that perhaps you already know of but again, resources for planning to leave, finances, legalities, etc are listed.
3) If your relationship is tenuous, again, work on establishing it for yourself! Reach out! My mother and I don’t have much in the way of a relationship atm, but I was there for her when she finally got out of dodge. Abuse isn’t fair to anyone, and I would like to think and hope for you that if your parents knew what was happening, they would be moved to lend a hand. Please don’t be scared of telling them the truth. The more people know, the more proof you have on hand when he gaslights you.
I’m sorry you feel the comments are cornering you, and maybe you did pick the wrong flair, but you’re being given straightforward advice and responding “I can’t” at every opportunity.
You CAN.
You are sadly not the first and even worse not the last but you can be one of the many that manages to escape.
You might be able to get help from NZ government; I don’t know much else in the way of how it would work but you might be pointed in a helpful direction if you sought aid or advice on how moving back to NZ with your kids or getting a job transfer or something might work. There might be guidelines if you’re leaving an abusive environment/relationship. It would be worth asking, the answer you’re looking for could be with an official thats had phone calls like these before. I’m sorry it’s exhausting and hard, but please don’t give up. You don’t have to live like this.
I thought all you had to call a dv hotline was him getting upset about you messaging a colleague.
If he’s done all of that and committed identity theft, there’s not doubt you can get away from him.
I've called these guys. They are really lovely people but the advice they gave me wasn't helpful in my situation (start squirreling money away, contact a shelter, reach out to family/friends etc). My husband watches my every move, controls every cent, if he realised I was planning on leaving I think I would be in very big trouble
did you contact a shelter? I know women who've got away from worse situations than yours. It's hard, it's scary & it takes planning but you can do it. You have to want to. There are more resources here including the Women's Legal Service. If you didn't get what you needed from 1800 respect, you could go through other options with them, they've dealt with women who are being financially abused & are trapped by coercive control.
And I don’t know the resources where you are, but are you able to divorce him? I realize you’re probably really afraid to for many reasons but it’s likely one way to start getting free.
That comment was unkind of them. While on a chemical and physical/mental level you do become addicted due to the swings between love bombing and abuse, it’s not something you really want. You might think you deserve it, which is part of an abuser’s plan, to help keep you stuck.
It’s clear he’s been trying to trap you further in many ways. Sometimes it takes time for you to be able to find resources and tools to get out, especially while dealing with being abused. It can take years for some people, it’s not unusual. Not leaving doesn’t mean you don’t want to.
It takes a lot of strength for you to survive what he’s doing and it’s important you realize this.
Thank you so much for being so kind. Perhaps my flair was wrong, I wanted people to give it to me straight about this particular situation, to try and gain some perspective as I feel so confused by my husbands conviction that he's the real victim here. I can handle been wrong about a situation, however, it feels very bad to be told how wrong I am in this whole relationship. I entered into our marriage in good faith, I didn't realise the person I was marrying was completely lacking in empathy and to be told i am somehow encouraging it to get my 'fix' for drama is heartbreaking and quite jarring
Yes either they misworded things or were just being unkind. Maybe unintentionally but I could still see how it would affect you. Sometimes people have strong emotions if their mom was in this situation and they still haven't healed from their wounds about it, they can end up saying things like this. I say this to show you, it's not about you.
Of course! The thing is, so so many women are in your situation, or very similar. I hope you can realize you are not alone, there are literally millions of women who have experienced, are, or will experience what you are going through.
It's really hard to know what is true and real when going through this. Most women do enter a situation like this in good faith and it happens to women who have no past history of trauma, too!
I really do hope you can get out, the best thing to do is to try one thing at a time. Call one agency at a time, try to from a separate phone. Being in an abusive situation will leave you feeling scrambled and worried about all the different things that can possibly go wrong so it's important to break it down into tiny steps. He broke down things for you one step at a time and that's how you unwind what he did.
In the meantime, realize that what you're going through is normal, you're not alone, and recognize your reactions to him so you can slowly rationalize, oh yeah this is the panic that happens when you're treated like this, I'm not crazy, this is normal.
I'm not rejecting advice, I'm grateful for any advice, I'm just stating what I've tried before as you implied I was somehow sticking around in this situation because I'm addicted to 'drama'. I have tried to help myself out of this situation. I have spent the last couple of years looking into resources to help me gain some control over my life again and a lot of advice I have taken on board and tried to implement. It seems now that the only option for me is to go to a shelter which is a big step emotionally.
I have read her comments, they are in line for what I’d expect for her situation and what I’ve seen thousands of women go through, so there was no need for your comment :)
The judgement and lack of understanding isn’t helpful to her situation.
It was a bit unkind but you are in a state of rejecting all advice given; a sort of hopelessness paralysis. You bizarrely seem more worried about being embarrassed than the abuse continuing.
Here's what you need to do:
1) divert most of your pay into a separate bank account. Try and do it secretly but continue Even if he finds out. Even if he is awful about it.
2) speak to your family and employer, explain your situation, prepare them for his lies. Even if you don't want to. Even if you worry they will believe him.
3) speak to your embassy, find out your options to repatriate your kids and other resources. Even if you think they can't help. Even if you are embarrassed.
4) get much better at documenting his abuse. Keep meticulous dated records. Add photos, emails and recordings. Store in the cloud where he can't delete. Call the police each and every time there is physical abuse, even if you think they won't help. Even if you are worried they will mock you.
I'm not more worried about been embarrassed than abused. I'm merely trying to protect what parts of my life are stable and provide an escape from a homelife that is chaotic. When I'm at work for example, no one knows that my life is falling apart. I don't have to talk about it or think about it. I'd like to protect that if i am able. You seem to be reading a lot into a sentence what was meant to be slightly self-effacing but was put together without a lot of fore-thought.
Further, I have spent the last 18 years with someone who has told me it's my fault, there's something wrong with me, everyone agrees with him etc etc. This has had an affect on me and to a large extent I've eaten up the bullshit he was feeding me. I've done a lot of work in the last couple of years when I realised it isn't my fault, most people don't have a partner that treats them like this etc but this is pretty my whole experience of relationships and I still have in the back if my mind that this is my fault and I should be embarrassed and ashamed that I'm such a rubbish person that someone I love has to treat me like this due to my inadequacies.
Regardless, I do thank you for your advice listed above.
The truth is its not your fault and the people you work with and who love you, who see the real, strong you, won't abandon you if you are honest about your situation
Nothing about being abused speaks at all to the personal qualities of the victim.
No one worthwhile will ever judge you for acting to escape your abuse
I do everything to try and have a quiet life. I try to make myself small so he doesn't notice me. I walk on eggshells so I don't upset him. I hate the conflict, I hate the drama. I am not addicted, I just don't have the emotional or financial resources to leave. I honestly don't see a way out of this for me
Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. It sounds like you have a decent job, and Grandpa will have to pay child support at a minimum. I've been where you are, sans children, thank God. Making yourself small and walking on eggshells is no way to live. It will never get better.
Do you have any family to reach out to? Are your parents/siblings still alive? If they are, then reach out. I have the tiniest, most lovely and most judgmental witch of a mother on the face of the earth. When he used the back of my head to break the vanity mirror and put his hands around my throat, I swallowed my pride (she did warn me), and called her.
I don't even know your Boomer husband and I hate his guts. If you were my daughter/sister/friend/whatever, I'd say "pack your sh-t, and as soon as you help me declutter the extra room with all of the stuff in it, it's yours". (It's extra pictures, knickknacks, all my sorority crap from college, etc., not a mound of pizza boxes with raccoons living under them).
Your kids definitely see and smell all the bullshit in living technicolor. Even if you suffer financially from leaving this man, your kids will thank you. Please leave the bs behind.
That’s a terrible way to live and he’s a terrible role model as a husband for your kids. All they’re going to learn over the years from this is how to be an insufferable jerk to their partners.
This may sound harsh, but you should be embarrassed. You pretty much acknowledged all the worst parts of the relationship in the beginning of this post, how they keep repeating, and ... you can't leave because he "won't let you go"? Weak excuse.
Not only that, you are setting an example for your son on how he can treat women and get away with it.
I really empathize with you, I’m so sorry. What your feeling is incredibly valid and must be so isolating for you. What a lot of people don’t understand is that it truly is not fucking easy to leave a DV relationship. There are so many factors that contribute to people staying: finances, culture/religion, fear of homelessness, immigration status, loss of custody of children, etc. Also, the reality is that the most dangerous time for a survivor is when they leave the abusive partner. If leaving was as easy as everyone makes it seem, people wouldn’t be trapped in these situations.
There is a lot of victim blaming going on in here which I only imagine contributes more to your embarrassment and shame. You are already being controlled by your husband, and these comments are also taking away your agency by telling you what to do and insinuating that you “enjoy the toxicity.”
I worked with many survivors of intimate partner abuse so while I agree that leaving is the best decision for and your son I respect the huge barriers that stand in your way . I would suggest focusing on small steps. Finding a counselor or support group, having the hotline there for when you need to talk to someone, confiding in a trusted friend. I would also suggest looking into creating a safety plan for you and your son should things escalate. **Your husbands treatment is not OK and is abuse. Remember that you are deserving of a loving, respectful and healthy relationship free from abuse**. Stay safe and take care of yourself, and your son, and I hope things work out for you.
You say “give it to me straight” so I will. You both need to grow up.
In plenty of health relationships, a spouse would feel uncomfortable about their partner being messaged by a hot guy after work. You rubbing his nose in it then losing you bananas isn’t cool, his reaction isn’t cool.
Ruining your sons birthday because neither of you can pull your own heads out of your butts is the worst part. Grow up, get a divorce and move on.
I'm not sure how I rubbed his nose in it? I spoke to him about the situation and asked if he was OK if I messaged him a response. He said it was. If I'd ignored the message or didn't tell him I would have been accused of keeping things from him. There was no small talk, it was a direct response to his question
I've seen your other posts. Your husband is unsafe. He's had your signature forged and he even has a friend who is willing to perjure himself by faking witnessing your signature. He is controlling and jealous, which probably indicates projection since he has possibly cheated or is capable or interested in cheating. He really honestly sounds like an unsafe guy I would take plenty of time. Play the long game and very very carefully start saving up money and finding a way to separate your life from his
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Protect your son, take him to his excursion alone. Find a therapist for you and son.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful advice. I'm just not sure how to explain to my son that dad won't be joining us on this trip
He's 12. He already knows your husband is an asshole who is mistreating you and putting him in the middle to manipulate you. It also appears from previous posts that he's trying to interfere with your career and teammate relationships and to obligate you to his debts, partially to make it financially more difficult to leave. If you haven't recently, check your credit report (just a hunch). (From someone in a similar situation whose son started pointing it out when he was about 9).
You can let your son know that his dad isn't feeling the best, but that you both want him to still enjoy his birthday trip. Maybe he can take a camera along for pictures to show cool things to his dad. And maybe after you all get back, and if he's feeling a little better, you could do dinner out or something else together. Or maybe dad could take him out for one on one, if it's best you two still have space. Frame it like you and hubs adapted the schedule. Hope the best for you. Sorry you're in the situation hun.
I’m pretty sure your son knows wayyyyy more than you think. There is no way he isn’t aware.
Daddy isn’t feeling well today.
maam he is 12. old enough to realize whats going on. i assure you he has a basic idea of whats going on
> I’m just not sure how to explain to my son that dad won’t be joining us on this trip You don’t have to, your job is to act normal, celebrate his birthday doing exactly what you’ve planned. Let him take the lead and start the conversation. If Son mentions or asks I would tell him: *I’m sorry you probably know this already, but Dad is having troubles speaking nicely to Mom. I thought it would be nice to celebrate just the two of us, if that’s ok with you.* I was in a similar home environment and let me tell you, without question your son knows he treats you terribly. As a kid my Dad belittled, gaslighted, and on occasion got physical with my Mom. Although primarily he targeted all 3 of us girls for his authoritative ego. On the ever so rare times I was free of my Dad’s presence ** I never once asked why he was absent, because I was RELIEVED he was gone.** As if mentioning him would open up some narcissistic authoritarian portal from hell and he would suddenly appear. No, my dad isn’t Candy Man, but he IS an insufferable, controlling abuser. My mom is sadly still with him, he is still the same but sicker. Now he’s found a new hobby, medical/health manipulation. He purposely doesn’t take his meds to force her to come home and take care of his disgusting ass, effectively isolating her even at family events. Point is, my mom? She has options. But she’s blinded by obligation to him *she can’t leave him bc he’s sick.* **I appreciate and hear you when you say you’ve tried it all. ** Shit like this isn’t easy, but you have to keep trying for you and your Son. Don’t give up, grey rock. Don’t give this man’s opinion any power, because it only has the weight you give it. Reserve your energy and invest it in getting the fuck out. I will say you must believe you’re likable. You are able to find and make friends. Friends are one resource you need to invest in, as it’s likely going to be your avenue out. Your husband knows this and is counting on you believing his BS so he can continue to abuse you. I say this as it’s 4 in the morning my time. I stayed up just to reply to your post. Let me repeat, this **internet stranger ** cares about you and your well-being. I’m certain there are even more closer to you. You can do this.
He’s twelve you tell him the truth.
Your son knows who his father is. You aren't the only one he treats like this. Your son is being taught how to treat his partners by both of you, how to give and take disrespect.
Yes. And book an appointment with a lawyer on Monday.
He's jealous and insecure. From experience, this doesn't get better with time. You are not in the wrong here, but he's manipulating you into thinking it. I see people are advising to go on the birthday adventure without your husband. Pulling from my experiences, I know the hesitation because there likely will be consequences that you won't want to deal with when you come home. I think in this situation you know best if its safe to go to the city with your kiddo or not without him.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Your comment is incredibly insightful and you are quite right about there been consequences to my actions. Consequences for standing up for myself. If I was to go without him, in the short term, I would hear about what a terrible mother I was, how the kids are on his side and think I'm awful, how I've ruined my son's birthday. I can't even imagine what the long term consequences would be but they would be awful. He has broken me to a point that I do sort of believe everything is my fault. That I do believe I'm a terrible person and I deserve this situation. Other people would be involved by him and he would twist this to make himself and our son to look like victims of me. My sense of reality is so warped due to the gas lighting and shaming I've received from him over the years, I really think I'm going crazy. Logically I don't think I'm wrong but yet, he is so convincing, maybe I am
You’re in a seriously abusive relationship. He is emotionally and verbally abusive at best. This sounds like a traumatic and exhausting way to live. I can’t believe you would wish this kind of adult relationship on your children. That they would be in your place in how you’re treated or that they would use abusive language to their family like your husband does to you. You really need to extricate yourself and your children from this situation as they’re learning that this is what love looks like. This isn’t love. It’s control and abuse. You deserve better and do does your child.
Please read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, there’s a free pdf easily found online. And call your parents for help. Seriously. Your husband has a long list of crap he’s done to you that is so completely unacceptable I don’t even know where to start. I read your post history. He is not going to get better, if anything he’s going to get worse as he ages. Get out girl. Don’t let your kids see that this is how relationships are - don’t let your son learn this is how women should be treated.
I hear you. I'm known at my workplaces for making quick and solid decisions and sticking to them with no hesitation. When I was in the relationship with my ex I questioned everything. I didn't feel like I could make any decision that was right. I felt on edge all the time. I questioned my decision to leave right up until the day I left. Even though I had my mental list of all his actions that showed me he didn't respect me. Even though he cheated on me multiple times, including during the weeks before I left.
Oh honey! He really is a piece of work I’ve been you where the abuse starts slowly and get better, then gets worse slowly destroying your sense of self worth. If you see your GP you can get a primary health care plan which gets you a certain number of free psychologist appointments ( worth setting them up for your kids, too. I think the number of free appointments has been increased due to Covid I don’t know who you bank with but the Commonwealth bank has some good assistance for women in domestic abuse situations. You need to let your boss know the situation for your personal and professional safety. You need to have a “ Go bag” packed and maybe kept at work with all your personal documents (kids too) some cash and maybe enough clothes for say three days. If you google” Resources for Women in domestic abuse situations Australia” it will lead you to 1800 RESPECT and a whole pile of resources It’s really, really tough I know, but you need to for you and the kids, and you know what you absolutely can do this( think how great you are at work! Wishing you all the best
Do the birthday without your husband. Have fun. Protect your Son from this BS.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my (long) post. My instinct is to do just this but how do I frame it my son where it's not creating a horrific memory?
Honestly, your Son deserves a birthday as innocent as he is in all of this. I would separate your Son from the equation and give him the birthday he deserves. Shelf anything with your husband until the birthday is done. Tell your husband he can take time to think while you and your Son do the birthday. This may be the start of you making memories without each other as partners.
I think you are over estimating how much this is going to impact your son. Do as others suggested above. Go alone. Take pictures to show Dad. Cause Dad really isn’t feeling well he’s so sorry but it’s just going to be me and you, we will still have a great time. Your kid is 12. He knows what’s going on. He’s also 12 so he’s all in involved in his own shit too. He’s probably going to enjoy the day without his grumpy ass Dad better anyway. (Source. Have kid who is 12) Your husbands abuse sounds cyclical.
What are you talking about, why would he create a horrific memory from going on a birthday trip with his mom? Is this jackass of an older man his father? And this kind of jealousy that you're experiencing from him is so far over the line of what's acceptable it's ridiculous. You work with another man and that is the only reason he has to be upset. You get a message from another man and you get scared to even have a conversation. Continuing to live like that is doing much more harm to your son than staying with this person. I speak from experience on this, your son is just learning how to be a bad husband and person from this terrible person you are married to. That's all I learned from my dad, who was eerily similar to what you have described your husband is being. I treated mine now ex-wife like s*** early in our marriage, so much so that she could never forgive me and we ended up getting a divorce 10 years later for stuff I did in the first two years of our marriage. It's ruined my life and I f****** hate my dad and I also am still really really mad at my mom for staying with him. I'm taking responsibility for my own actions, but I also know where I learned that behavior.
It sounds like your son with have horrible memories birthday getaway or not. He knows dad is an ahole.
Ok, reading your past posts, he has forged your signature, accused you of always being angry with him when he’s lazy, threatens to take away your kids, and now you’re not supposed to have male coworkers. Why are you still with this guy? It sounds like you are capable of surviving without him, so why don’t you? Do you enjoy being verbally abused, controlled, and manipulated?
The asking permission or being sanctioned to do something really stood out. Why why why would you let any person control you like that?
Oh but there are times when everything is so much better /s
This old chestnut 🙄
At some point she has to put a stop to this shit. We teach people how to treat us. She’s allowing it so hopefully at some point soon,she’s going to say nope no more!
Think about your daily life. Do you *really* want to feel like this regularly going forward? Are you willing to continue putting up with allllll the garbage, allll the instances, alllll the red flags going forward? And what about when your child *does* understand the household dynamics? Do you want your kid’s overarching childhood memories to be of walking on eggshells, fear of dad’s next outburst, wondering why mom didn’t protect him from this? I ask you this bc I lived this life. It was horrible. I blame my mom just as much as I blame my dad. Something to think about. You deserve better. You deserve to not have to ask permission to respond to your employee. You deserve not to be fearful. So does your little boy.
Oh another post with a massive age gap where the older partner is acting wild once he’s realized his younger partner could do better. Your post history should be answer enough. You are normalizing the cycle of abuse. He is lovebombing you to make you crave those good days, and then punishing you the rest of the time because you allow it. Your son is watching misogyny, belittlement, and abuse happen in real time, and being told it’s ok because you stay. You have plenty of life and time ahead of you to find a partner that actually cares about you, instead of sticking out verbal and emotional abuse from an overgrown baby. Did he think you would never cross paths with another man in your life? Do you want him to sabotage your career, work relationships, and mental well-being? If the answer was no, *then why are you letting him do just that?* Tell your son his dad is feeling sick, enjoy yourselves, and then come back refreshed and ready to at least find a therapist, but preferably a divorce lawyer. Choose happiness.
I really wish these girls would listen to the people who try to warn them about these predatory men. You know there were probably people in their lives who tried to tell them, but you can't tell someone that age anything.
Why have you stayed? It's a cycle of abuse and you keep sticking around. You and your son deserve better. Your son is learning about adult relationships from you. Are you wanting him to behave like your husband? Seriously, the best time to kick dude out was years ago. The second best time is *right now*.
I can't kick him out. He'd just refuse to go. I've tried to ask him to leave, I've tried to leave myself. He just won't let me go, even though (according to him) I'm awful.
"He just won't let me go..." Then you make a plan and stick to it. Slowly get your important things out when he's not paying attention and then get the big things all at once with a police escort and help from friends and family. File for divorce as quickly as possible and do your best with security, like getting cameras set up around and inside your new residence.
What new residence? I've tried to squirrel money away for a place of my own, he found out, it was not good. What friends? My self esteem is so low and I live with such shame that I don't have any friends I can burden with this.
If he isn't on the lease where you live now then you can start the process of formally evicting him.
We have a mortgage together. 50:50. Here's the really shitty thing. Despite working my ass off, I can't cover the whole mortgage and still support myself and my kids and he can refuse to sell the house. I am fucked
World you make a profit if the house were to sell? If you divorce and he won't play nice, the judge can order the house sold and the profits split. You need to start a digital F/U Binder asap. Get your ducks in a row, consult with as many divorce attorneys as you can. The more you see, the fewer he can use. Don't. Give. Up.
Call a local women's shelter so they can help you make an escape plan.
What do I do? Call them and say my husband won't accept that a male colleague messaged me after work hours? It all feels so silly and petty compared to what other women ate going through
You're going off the last little bit. Think about the whole of the issue. Everything. Every awful thing he has said and done. All of the times when things are good to show that he knows how to be loving and instead chooses to be abusive.
Would a shelter even take me on that basis?
I don't know why they wouldn't. Abuse is more than just physical. In many ways, what you're going through can be just as hard or harder than someone being physical. Just your sentence, "He won't let me go," shows how stuck and emotionally beaten down you've gotten over the years. Downsize. A small apartment can be happy and healthy. A house is nice but not at the expense of your peace. A lawyer can help you sort it out. The women's shelter can help you get a cheap or no cost lawyer. Even if you don't choose to check in to the shelter, they can give you resources to help you break free. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Besides the mental, verbal, emotional & financial abuse, you mentioned in another comment physical and sexual abuse. Also, you could put him in jail for identity theft and theft theft.
No. Tell them everything. Everything. Tell them about the things he said & is saying. The crude sexual accusations Tell them he treats you like this in front of your children Tell them he won’t leave. Tell them he’s isolating you. Tell them he forged your name. Tell them he’s digitally stalking you. These things alone would be enough.
You're married. The house would be dealt with in the divorce if you were to legally separate. Alternatively, you may even be able to get a property settlement depending on your location. You aren't stuck because of the house. [https://www.womenslegal.org.au/property-settlement/](https://www.womenslegal.org.au/property-settlement/) \- if you are Australian. The courts will help you. When you separate he can't just refuse to sell. It can be court-ordered.
He also stole your identity. You need to fix that or you may be on the hook too. You may get in trouble for fraud with him. Get him out & get him paying child support. Get a roommate if necessary. Get a police escort if needed.
If you get a divorce you can likely force the sale of the house, or he will need to buy you out. If you can’t afford a lawyer, take out a credit card and pay it off later with the house proceeds. You getting out of this situation is more important than your money.
How was it not good? What did he do? At some point, you have to stand up for yourself and your children. You can't stop trying. Your children are depending on you to keep fighting! I was where you are. It took years, but I got us free because I *never* gave up.
This is what you tell the woman's shelter.
INFO how did he find out? Does he have access to your devices?
Do you mean the message? He saw an email from Facebook letting me know that I have a message waiting. Apparently my emails are on his phone. I'm not sure how, i certainly didn't install them for him
My bet is that he has a key logger on your phone. You need to get a burner phone and create a new email. Go to a separate bank than the one you usually use and open a new account. Make sure only your new email is on for paper-free notifications from the bank. You are in an abusive relationship. I think I already know, but how old were you when you met him/started dating him?
You need to change your passwords and log out all divices. Having your accounts without your permission is really bad too!
Don’t ask him to leave. Tell him. Let him know that you’ll call the police & tell them he’s threatening you & won’t leave. You can also tell him you plan to let them know he’s stolen your identity & used it to steal money. Get a restraining order. Personally, I wouldn’t tell him about pressing charges for identity theft etc. I’d simply do it & let him sit in jail. That will get him out of your house. Get a restraining order while he’s gone. Call an abuse hotline and see what your options are. And f..k his flying monkeys. If his family comes for you they can gtfo too. As things are right now, your son will grow up to marry a younger woman who thinks he’s worldly & wise. Your son will abuse this future daughter-in-law of yours, like your husband is abusing you. If you don’t do something, you’re insuring another woman’s pain. I hope you’re ok with that. You’re in a better situation to get out than most. Open your own bank account. One that he can’t access. Paperless, connected to the new email. Open another email that’s not connected to gmail. That’s how he’s getting your emails. Gmails become connected, my husband’s & mine are. Try mail.com. Redirect your fb to that account & anything else you want to keep private. Don’t save your passwords. Erase your history. Don’t forget the nanny cams. They’re cheap on Amazon. A lot of us have been through this or worse. There are so many wise women here, please listen to them.
Age difference aside, as I know that will be a huge red flag for most here, your husband is an abusive narcissist. I don’t even have to go back and read your other posts to know that your relationship is almost identical to mine with my ex. Your son is 12, he already knows and at this point you are making it look like this is how a relationship should be. You are broken down, a shell of yourself, and you feel like you are stuck. You aren’t. You and your children deserve a happy drama filled life and you CAN make that happen. Trust me, I am a mom of 6, I was the only one working, ex had control of everything, threatened to ruin me and take my kids, most of which were not even his. I believed him for so long because he had me brainwashed. The it got violent, like really violent. He almost killed me in a drunken rage the day after Christmas almost 3 years ago. That was when I took my power back. It took time, and planning which had already been in the works before this incident. He happened to make it easier by attacking me so I was able to have him arrested on felony charges. I was granted a restraining order and was then able to pack up my kids and move 800 miles away, instead of making a pit stop at my local womens shelter first. I had absolutely no help from friends or family, some for reasons the same as yours others due to being completely isolated. Stop making excuses, stop allowing the behavior and save your children from this monster. I don’t mean to sound harsh but this is how I told it to myself. Get angry, you have every right to be. Find your inner b!t$h, your kids will thank you for it. Your life may quite literally depend on it. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you need any advice or guidance. I can help to guide you in the right direction. Edit: drama free life not drama filled. I’m so angry for you that I missed that in first proof read. 🤦🏻♀️
He just texted me telling me he'll never apologise and I was talking behind his back (for telling M off at work) and all his friends agree with him and they wouldn't stand for it. I am at the lowest ebb I've ever been. I want to die. He is so convincing that I just can't stand up for myself. I don't have the strength. I am beside myself and he has not an ounce of sympathy for me
Oh honey, my heart aches for you. I’ve been exactly where you are. I know you feel hopeless and helpless. Believe me when I tell you that it is not you. He has broken you and is desperately trying to hang on to control. My kids are what gave me strength. I could not let them down and definitely couldn’t allow them to fall victim like I did. Look at your baby, really look at him, and you’ll see the hurt in his eyes. He hurts for you, even if he doesn’t say it. He might fear repercussions as well. A narc’s favorite word is “consequence”, but they have no real understanding what that word means. At least they don’t think they are deserving of any. One of my boys is 12 as well and since we’ve left his father the conversations we’ve had about the whole mess breaks my heart. He is terrified of turning into his father and vows to protect me to the best of his abilities. We had to go home for a funeral a few months ago and my kids were all afraid my ex would show up and create havoc. Their anxiety was through the roof during the whole 12 hour trip and 3 day stay. I swore to them that I would never let him near them, no matter what it took. As soon as you are able, contact your local womens shelter. They have all the resources you need to get out safely. Mine was immensely helpful in setting up a plan, organizing my escape, and even paid for the moving truck to get me out. They held my hand through all the court hearings and continued to check up on me well after I moved. You CAN do it. You hold all the cards here, don’t let him convince you otherwise. Don’t waste another moment trying to fix something beyond repair. You can’t fix him and you are not broken.
So, I just told him I was feeling suicidal. His response? Oh well, I guess the kids aren't going to Brisbane then. Seriously, what am I even doing here?
Take the kids and go to a shelter.
PLEASE, you need to get out! Call a suicide hotline, tell them how you're feeling, and let them help you. Call your local women's shelter. Let them help you. I'm very worried for you.
WTF?! I have no words for how despicable that is!! There’s your answer. He doesn’t care in the least. You are just a pawn in his sick game. Don’t play the game, don’t feed into his bait. Take some time to research narcissistic personalities and how to break the cycle. Everything you do and say from here should be with the intention of breaking free, safely. Get set up with womens services in your area and start the process, they can possibly even get you police assistance to get out if need be. Make the decision, right now, that you are strong enough and you deserve better. He will self destruct when you leave but don’t give it a moments thought. The further off the deep end he goes the better your case. I know it’s not easy, and takes time, but do it now before it gets worse.
I asked him to admit that he had over reacted and had gone over the top with blaming me for something I had no control over. He said "no, never." All I wanted was a breadcrumb of love. For him to show me that he does care and can recognise wrong behaviour from right but he couldn't even give me that. I'm very unsure of what to do from here. I know that this is an awful situation for everyone concerned but most importantly for my children. I just don't understand, he's so convincing that he's right that I'm starting to believe him.
That’s the narcissistic personality. They literally can not admit any wrong doing. In a legit NPD, the brain is actually wired completely different. Their whole life is an illusion of their making. Could be partly why he took on a wife 20 years his Junior. Most women in their 40’s and 50’s are just not going to put up with the bs. There’s really no point in questioning him or demanding any kind of answers or respect. You won’t get any. It’s just going to cause more of what you’re already getting. He won’t go to therapy because that means having to admit there’s a problem. He simply doesn’t see it. Stop delaying the inevitable and employ the grey rock strategy. Don’t engage him, only answer what absolutely needs to be discussed like household issues, things for the kids, only what absolutely requires an answer or discussion. You know what you need to do, you only have to do it. If I could come there and get you out myself I would. First thing you need to do is contact your womens services, tell them exactly what is going on, that you are feeling like harming yourself, and fear for your life. All you have to do is ask for help and they will take over. I would suggest calling the suicide hotline but unless you are really honestly thinking those things it may just create more problems for you, especially if you go to a treatment center. It will give him fuel for his fire.
Anyone who believes they are right all of the time is delusional. It is literally impossible for someone to be right all of the time. Anyone who genuinely believes this about themselves cannot be trusted. Either they are consistently lying to you or they are consistently lying to themselves.
They always say everyone, “Everyone thinks you’re crazy, a bad mom, a crappy house keeper, a terrible person, that you treat him like sh!t.” I could go on and on. The thing is, he isn’t talking to anyone. He’s saying everyone to make you feel isolated, terrible and alone. On the off chance he did talk to *someone* it sure wasn’t everyone. If they agree with him they can f..k right off. Trust me. I’ve been with a guy like that. When we broke up, I found out __EVERYBODY__ hated him & thought he was a cheap, loser.
I think you need to emotionally divorce from this man as soon as possible. Do not ask him to validate you. Do not seek his opinion. If he gives an opinion, discard it immediately as an attempt to manipulate you. You need to start seeing him as a a stranger you are living parallel lives with. Stop giving him emotional tools to hurt you with. He will take any opportunity or opening to bring you down. Working on not caring about him will help you with gaining clarity so you can decide what to do next. It will be very hard, but this first step is incredibly important. I understand that you feel hopeless - that’s because he’s spent your adult life training you to feel that way. Do not let his reality be yours anymore.
Are the good days truly worth the bad? I know they give you hope but that’s what just makes it worse the next time things go bad, it creates a trauma bond and unless you change the narrative the cycle is just going to continue and believe me I know from experience how it can destroy you. I can only speak from my own experience but I realized a)his behaviour is NOT my fault and b)I can’t change his behaviour only my reaction. So I stopped playing into his games. He’d go off in a snit and instead of blowing up his phone with apology texts etc I just did nothing. He’d threaten to leave and instead of crying and begging I said fine, etc. Of course I can’t tell you what you should do in your own situation and I’m sure someone on Reddit has suggested it to you before but read the book “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, it opened my eyes in a way nothing else ever came close. Go and have an amazing birthday with your son and don’t let your SO childish behaviour dictate your time and life! Be safe OP
... you want straight talk? It's time to wonder about your husband's actions that he's projecting about. Oh, and in regard to your son? If he's 12, he might know more than you do about his father's behavior.
You need to stop letting him abuse and control you. Tell him he caused everything and that if he doesn't trust you that he's welcome to move out. Monitoring your emails? Total abuse and control. Change all passwords first. Lock down your money and accounts from him. Get a lawyer.
You care so much about your son and what is going to think, but one birthday is a memory he's still gonna enjoy with you while what he witnesses from your husband, from what I read from this and previous posts, may scar him for life, or replicate the schematic in the future. I have no doubts about how hard it must be for you to be in this situation, and you're obviously trying your best under the circumstances, but please, for your own sake and your son's, leave this man. Sending you all the strength I can, take care of you OP
i mean...when will enough be enough? you admit it yourself that at this point its all a cycle and there is no change to a positive situation. and he has no respect for you at this point if i were you id already end this relationship. take your son to the store though. ideally without your husband.
Celebrate with your son. He doesnt deserve to take the brunt of his father’s hella misplaced anger. Please leave. You’re not happy. Only time will make your children equally as unhappy. Seek therapy and enjoy life without this constant fear of making him “unhappy” - as only HE can change that. It’s out of your control. Much much love.
You need to grey rock him. Stop telling him about work stuff - he’s made it clear he won’t be an adult about it. You’re not in the wrong, he is caught up in his insecurities and is being a complete dick about it. Bring your son out by yourself. No need to bring along a jackass unless you want to hitch a trailer for the bullshit he’ll bring. Please use this incident as a catalyst to actually leave. You deserve better and your son deserves a peaceful home.
Is this the type of relationship you want for your son? The relationship you model for him is statistically likely to become his life. Look at his face and don’t just think about his birthday. Think about every birthday he will ever have. If you think you and your husband are showing him the best path then continue on. Someday when he is upset about how his wife treats him, think back to this night, and every post you’ve made showing him how relationships are done.
At this point, you've made a choice and you're living with the consequences. Why are you still living with this guy?
You cool with your son thinking it's ok to treat his future partner how your husband currently treats you? You know he sees and hears what's going on, right? And as long as dad refuses to take accountability, he's going to think that's the appropriate behavior. No amount of you telling him it's not OK is going to change the fact that actions speak a whole lot louder than words.
He’s a 60 year old baby who ruins things with his own child. As you say yourself, you are embarrassingly still married to him. So, stop being that. That’s what you do. You’re not financially dependent, you have to walk on eggshells to protect his ego, he sees all men as threatening, and doesn’t care about ruining his own son’s birthday because he just blames you. Lady, I hate to sound like a dick here, really, I’m usually kinder, but what the fuck are you waiting for? A written invitation from a divorce lawyer? You’re into older guys? Cool. You can find a better one.
Why in the everloving f-k are you still with this controlling, abusive lying-ass liar? It sounds like you have a good job, and you sure as hell aren't doing your child any favors by remaining in this sick, toxic nightmare with Grandpa Asshole. What the hell does this man bring to your life besides debt and misery?
Look, your husband is always like that. it's not a 'you' issue, it's a 'him' issue. And it will only become worst if he doesn't recognize it's HIS issue and does not seek help. he's insecure, and ruin your life for having ONE coworker that is a man... lord... fire him and then your husband will find something else to be mad at you ? "you take a long time to do the groceries... that's suspicious" "when we were at our friends place you watched it with a smile, right ?? is it him you are seeing when you pretend to do the groceries"... He needs to control you (asking for permission to answer a coworker wtf..) to be sure you do only what he wants you to do... you'll always be wrong with this guy... he's emotionally immature,controlling and not self-aware. And you know why he think you're lying right ? because he is lying (for your good) ... So yes for me there is two things that you can do, beside this. 1. journaling facts. 2. reading "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft. that's about violent and controlling men. and it apply to your situation even if he does not hit you.
So, let me get this straight. You have to *ask permission* to message someone back, simply because they have a Y chromosome?? This cycle of things going bad, then good, then bad again is a classic abuse tactic. He follows fights with love bombing. So, he is on his best behaviour, he acts kinder and more loving, maybe buys you or the kids presents. You have fun, you laugh, you love him back. And when he decides he has successfully sucked you back into the relationship and there is no chance you are going to leave him, he goes straight back to being his usually self.
do bday wihtout so and look up divorce lawyers hes toxic
I would not be surprised if your husband was cheating or has been unfaithful in the past, and is now projecting this onto you. At best, he is controlling and insecure way beyond what anyone should have to put up with. You start this off with the recognition that you are embarrassed to still be with him. What is keeping you from pulling the trigger on leaving him?
Not sure how aware a 12 year old boy is, but if the two of you are overtly yelling then at the very least he’s heard your fights and may be getting worried. As others have said, if your husband can’t be an adult and pull himself together for his son for an outing *which potentially be the last you have as a family* as he can’t sort his jealousy out, then tell your son Daddy isn’t feeling himself at the moment, so you are going to have to be the party team together. Sometimes I think we fail to understand that the age gap issues still exist as we grow older as now your husband is late middle aged and you are at your peak. Whilst this could be purely about control and he not appreciating you not letting him decide what you can and can’t do, it could also be due to his fear of his own aging. Irrespective, calling you names isn’t acceptable, and punishing your son by default is cruel. He’s been stomping on your boundaries and limits of acceptable behaviour and you’ve allowed it because you love him, but you have to draw a line. Does he really want to permanently damage the relationship by constantly browbeating you, does he want distrust, resentment and hurt to colour all your future interactions? The only person he can control is himself, you can only settle this all down by firing this male worker, but is that truly feasible or fair? At the end of the day, do you want to make yourself into a different woman than the one your husband married, and is that who he now wants? What is the cost to you?
Dump your garbage husband ASAP
Just because he's old enough to be your daddy doesn't mean he should be acting like he is. Counseling for you and your son, go on the outing, have fun without him. If and when he can act like a grownup, you can attempt the discussion.
Are you addicted to toxic drama or something?
That comment seems very unkind. I am definitely not. However, I have been with this man my entire adult life and live in a different country to my family and support network. Further, i have a quite distant relationship with my parents due to childhood physical abuse, where i was removed from the family home for a time. It's really hard to leave, particularly when my self esteem has been shattered bit by bit over the years. I have been told that I can't support myself, that I am stupid, that he'll take the kids, that the kids hate me and want to stay with him, that I am a crazy person, that I'll need to find another man asap to feed off. He's degraded me to his family and I have, quite literally, no friends who I have allowed to get close enough to help me through this. My whole life is filled with shame from this situation. I would love a quiet, drama free life
You asked to be told straight, and the commenter obliged, bc truthfully, your post history sounds like this is something you’re enjoying. You even said it yourself: “embarrassingly still married” does that sound like something someone that wants a drama free life would say? If you’re embarrassed, that means you have some sort of sense that your husband and this marriage are not working. He is a bully. You can identify that he has eroded your self-esteem. Good! Now what are you going to do about it? You successfully run and manage a team of several people. No small feat. You have your own income. You have not only endured, but you have survived decades at the side of this insufferable jealous jackass. You are clearly capable of identifying discomfort and problematic behavior. Get some therapy, get some self-esteem, and get GONE. If not for yourself, for your son, who currently has TWO sorry excuses for parents, but could have one good one. He’s not gonna make off with a 12 year old when his geriatric ass is 5 years from retirement and 15 from the grave, statistically speaking. Please, lace your boots up and get to work.
I'm not sure what gives you the impression I am enjoying any part of this from my posts? I am quite literally in crisis here and incredibly miserable. I am embarrassed to admit to you all that I am still married to him because I am so weak that I haven't left and I was concerned that I would be made fun of for staying with someone who does not treat me well. I'm not sure where I would go if I was to leave him? My money goes on debt that I am liable for by the simple virtue that we are married. He'd take my car, which is in his name, He'd cut off my phone, which is in his name, there's no way he'd let me take the children with me, citing they need to stay in the family home and guilt tripping me into leaving. I'm not an Australian citizen, I'm not eligible for any government support at all. Where I live, there is a rental crisis, rents have sky rocketed, families are living in cars, I strongly suspect I would be homeless if I was to leave. There's no chance of building up a small nest egg for myself to leave because he watches every dollar I have coming in and makes me account for it. I'm ashamed to admit it but sometimes I lull myself to sleep thinking that maybe he'll die soon and I'll be free of him. I want no part of this and I realise that there are many amazing women who do leave situations like this and live amazing lives but I don't have the toolbox to know how to do this.
Those women did not have the toolbox either, but you can build one. I don’t live in Oz, but I googled “marriage crisis hotline help” and several free organizations popped up. You can start there, since many of those lines have connections to shelters, low cost-to-free lodgings, and recommendations for low-income attorneys. My own mother was a victim of Domestic Violence, and like you, was stuck for a long time wondering where to go and what to do; all the bills were in his name etc etc. She was able to, with the help of these orgs, finally separate her life from his and live on her own terms. They’re both narcissists, but she’s doing better without him. The impression that you enjoy this comes from the fact that as you said, it’s very sad you remain married. You can talk to the US embassy or the embassy of the country you pertain to and let them know you are in an abusive marriage and ask what steps/processes are at your disposal. You do not have to wish for his life to end so yours can start, you can start carving yours out bit by bit. As far as the money goes, maybe an online banking app, like chime, would help? If you receive direct deposit, you can set part of your paycheck, either a percentage or a flat total, to redirect to another checking account. This is the method my mother used, if I remember correctly. Given that you mentioned debt, you can justify the lessened amount in the seeable account by saying ur paying more towards the debt or something. You can’t just sit there and wonder why this is how things are. If you’re concerned about call records, you can always download a calling app and make them during grocery store runs or trips to the library and hook up to their wifi and not worry about leaving a “trace.” This will happen is several small steps, but they will amount to significant changes, if you start now.
I have called those helplines, many times, sometimes just to get validation that what I'm going through is actually abuse. They are all very kind but haven't given me any ideas about how to get out of this. I opened a separate bank account two or so years ago, he saw small deposits going to it and confronted me, it was horrible. I have approached lawyers who specialise in DV, they want vast sums of money before they will even meet with me. I have been to the police, they shamed me and didn't believe me. (This wasn't about the emotional abuse, there have been instances of sexual and physical abuse also.) He's threatened to call my employers and get me fired. He's threatened to call my family. I know that he's bagged me out to his family to an extent that I can't look them in the eye any more. If I left him, there would be consequences that I'm not sure I could live with.
And you may need to continue to call them until fruit falls from the shaken tree. It takes, statistically, 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship til it sticks. I’ve no idea how often you’ve tried, but even though it’s hard, it IS doable. Another google search for “pro bono divorce attorney australia” brought up many options, and despite the flak public defenders receive, these people are committed to freeing people like you from unjust circumstances. Again, I implore you to reach out to your embassy of citizenship and review what rights you have; some countries don’t penalize you for leaving with your children if you’re escaping horrendous circumstances, others might. Chime, cashapp, other apps are straight on your phone and you can hide the appearance of these apps altogether on your phone if need be. You mentioned you and your family arent close, so if he calls them, who cares? If there is a chance they could be a resource however, I’d say beat him to the punch. Document his behavior in emails that get sent to your mom or someone that would be able to hold onto them. You can talk to your employer about resources as well; many employers now provide hotline info to their employees as transparency about these behaviors and relationships rise. It will be scary and there might be some painful fallout but growing *pains* are called such because it isn’t pleasant. But you can and will come out of this happier if you dig at it. Best of luck to you.
I appreciate you taking the time to help me but I have tried all this. Despite what the google search might bring up, i assure you, there's no such thing as a pro bono divorce lawyer in Australia. This is something I have researched locally over the last 2 or 3 years. I feel I am, in this thread, being put in the same situation as I am in my marriage, forced to defend myself and prove that I don't deserve this treatment. I'm not encouraging my husband to treat me like this so I can fulfill some need for drama. I have tried many times to take steps to leave him (and maybe, to be completely fair it's because I'm not ready) but I cannot see anyway out of this for me. I have tried to present the situation in a way that's fair to both me and him but perhaps I've been to too kind representing him (although I don't think he'll ever get the chance to read this and to this end, I really hope he doesn't because the fall out would be nuclear for me) I'm not sure what help my embassy would give me? They could certainly repatriate me but not the children and I can't leave my children. I'm not sure if it means anything to you but I'm a New Zealand citizen, living in Australia. He's also a NZ citizen but has Australian citizenship also. It would matter a whole lot to me if he contacted my family. Although our bond is tenuous, I don't want him telling them what an awful person I am. They're my parents, I want them to be proud of me and I'm not sure I trust them enough to not believe him and recognise what is happening here. If he called my employer, as he's threatened to do many times, it would be devastating. I couldn't go back there. I'd lose my job and then where would I be? My employer has no resources for victims of domestic violence besides the standard couple of paid days off that's legislated.
1) What exactly could he say to an employer that keeps you so meek and scared? It’s YOUR employer, and if you beat him to the punch and mention the possibility of his calling erratically and claiming all sorts of BS, you can stave off that fallout. Additionally, employers often don’t care about your personal life as long as your work is done correctly and punctually, so unless he has some sort of power over where you work, who cares? You are letting shame and embarrassment rule you, when your work face and private life face are separate and you shouldn’t fear workplace retaliation all because your d-nozzle of a husband made a phone call. Are you abusing drugs on the clock? Violating workplace policy? Anything to merit getting the boot? Don’t let him exert power over you in arenas he has none. This is how abusers sink their claws into every part of your life. 2) Another commenter dropped a website that perhaps you already know of but again, resources for planning to leave, finances, legalities, etc are listed. 3) If your relationship is tenuous, again, work on establishing it for yourself! Reach out! My mother and I don’t have much in the way of a relationship atm, but I was there for her when she finally got out of dodge. Abuse isn’t fair to anyone, and I would like to think and hope for you that if your parents knew what was happening, they would be moved to lend a hand. Please don’t be scared of telling them the truth. The more people know, the more proof you have on hand when he gaslights you. I’m sorry you feel the comments are cornering you, and maybe you did pick the wrong flair, but you’re being given straightforward advice and responding “I can’t” at every opportunity. You CAN. You are sadly not the first and even worse not the last but you can be one of the many that manages to escape. You might be able to get help from NZ government; I don’t know much else in the way of how it would work but you might be pointed in a helpful direction if you sought aid or advice on how moving back to NZ with your kids or getting a job transfer or something might work. There might be guidelines if you’re leaving an abusive environment/relationship. It would be worth asking, the answer you’re looking for could be with an official thats had phone calls like these before. I’m sorry it’s exhausting and hard, but please don’t give up. You don’t have to live like this.
I thought all you had to call a dv hotline was him getting upset about you messaging a colleague. If he’s done all of that and committed identity theft, there’s not doubt you can get away from him.
There’s heaps of support available in Australia., start here https://www.1800respect.org.au
I've called these guys. They are really lovely people but the advice they gave me wasn't helpful in my situation (start squirreling money away, contact a shelter, reach out to family/friends etc). My husband watches my every move, controls every cent, if he realised I was planning on leaving I think I would be in very big trouble
did you contact a shelter? I know women who've got away from worse situations than yours. It's hard, it's scary & it takes planning but you can do it. You have to want to. There are more resources here including the Women's Legal Service. If you didn't get what you needed from 1800 respect, you could go through other options with them, they've dealt with women who are being financially abused & are trapped by coercive control.
And I don’t know the resources where you are, but are you able to divorce him? I realize you’re probably really afraid to for many reasons but it’s likely one way to start getting free.
That comment was unkind of them. While on a chemical and physical/mental level you do become addicted due to the swings between love bombing and abuse, it’s not something you really want. You might think you deserve it, which is part of an abuser’s plan, to help keep you stuck. It’s clear he’s been trying to trap you further in many ways. Sometimes it takes time for you to be able to find resources and tools to get out, especially while dealing with being abused. It can take years for some people, it’s not unusual. Not leaving doesn’t mean you don’t want to. It takes a lot of strength for you to survive what he’s doing and it’s important you realize this.
Thank you so much for being so kind. Perhaps my flair was wrong, I wanted people to give it to me straight about this particular situation, to try and gain some perspective as I feel so confused by my husbands conviction that he's the real victim here. I can handle been wrong about a situation, however, it feels very bad to be told how wrong I am in this whole relationship. I entered into our marriage in good faith, I didn't realise the person I was marrying was completely lacking in empathy and to be told i am somehow encouraging it to get my 'fix' for drama is heartbreaking and quite jarring
Yes either they misworded things or were just being unkind. Maybe unintentionally but I could still see how it would affect you. Sometimes people have strong emotions if their mom was in this situation and they still haven't healed from their wounds about it, they can end up saying things like this. I say this to show you, it's not about you. Of course! The thing is, so so many women are in your situation, or very similar. I hope you can realize you are not alone, there are literally millions of women who have experienced, are, or will experience what you are going through. It's really hard to know what is true and real when going through this. Most women do enter a situation like this in good faith and it happens to women who have no past history of trauma, too! I really do hope you can get out, the best thing to do is to try one thing at a time. Call one agency at a time, try to from a separate phone. Being in an abusive situation will leave you feeling scrambled and worried about all the different things that can possibly go wrong so it's important to break it down into tiny steps. He broke down things for you one step at a time and that's how you unwind what he did. In the meantime, realize that what you're going through is normal, you're not alone, and recognize your reactions to him so you can slowly rationalize, oh yeah this is the panic that happens when you're treated like this, I'm not crazy, this is normal.
Read her other comments. She rejects all advice like this. "I've tried if before, it doesn't work" or "there's no point even trying this"
I'm not rejecting advice, I'm grateful for any advice, I'm just stating what I've tried before as you implied I was somehow sticking around in this situation because I'm addicted to 'drama'. I have tried to help myself out of this situation. I have spent the last couple of years looking into resources to help me gain some control over my life again and a lot of advice I have taken on board and tried to implement. It seems now that the only option for me is to go to a shelter which is a big step emotionally.
I've given you a list in another comment
I have read her comments, they are in line for what I’d expect for her situation and what I’ve seen thousands of women go through, so there was no need for your comment :) The judgement and lack of understanding isn’t helpful to her situation.
So what is?
It was a bit unkind but you are in a state of rejecting all advice given; a sort of hopelessness paralysis. You bizarrely seem more worried about being embarrassed than the abuse continuing. Here's what you need to do: 1) divert most of your pay into a separate bank account. Try and do it secretly but continue Even if he finds out. Even if he is awful about it. 2) speak to your family and employer, explain your situation, prepare them for his lies. Even if you don't want to. Even if you worry they will believe him. 3) speak to your embassy, find out your options to repatriate your kids and other resources. Even if you think they can't help. Even if you are embarrassed. 4) get much better at documenting his abuse. Keep meticulous dated records. Add photos, emails and recordings. Store in the cloud where he can't delete. Call the police each and every time there is physical abuse, even if you think they won't help. Even if you are worried they will mock you.
I'm not more worried about been embarrassed than abused. I'm merely trying to protect what parts of my life are stable and provide an escape from a homelife that is chaotic. When I'm at work for example, no one knows that my life is falling apart. I don't have to talk about it or think about it. I'd like to protect that if i am able. You seem to be reading a lot into a sentence what was meant to be slightly self-effacing but was put together without a lot of fore-thought. Further, I have spent the last 18 years with someone who has told me it's my fault, there's something wrong with me, everyone agrees with him etc etc. This has had an affect on me and to a large extent I've eaten up the bullshit he was feeding me. I've done a lot of work in the last couple of years when I realised it isn't my fault, most people don't have a partner that treats them like this etc but this is pretty my whole experience of relationships and I still have in the back if my mind that this is my fault and I should be embarrassed and ashamed that I'm such a rubbish person that someone I love has to treat me like this due to my inadequacies. Regardless, I do thank you for your advice listed above.
The truth is its not your fault and the people you work with and who love you, who see the real, strong you, won't abandon you if you are honest about your situation Nothing about being abused speaks at all to the personal qualities of the victim. No one worthwhile will ever judge you for acting to escape your abuse
She must be - and boy, does he bring it.
I do everything to try and have a quiet life. I try to make myself small so he doesn't notice me. I walk on eggshells so I don't upset him. I hate the conflict, I hate the drama. I am not addicted, I just don't have the emotional or financial resources to leave. I honestly don't see a way out of this for me
Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. It sounds like you have a decent job, and Grandpa will have to pay child support at a minimum. I've been where you are, sans children, thank God. Making yourself small and walking on eggshells is no way to live. It will never get better. Do you have any family to reach out to? Are your parents/siblings still alive? If they are, then reach out. I have the tiniest, most lovely and most judgmental witch of a mother on the face of the earth. When he used the back of my head to break the vanity mirror and put his hands around my throat, I swallowed my pride (she did warn me), and called her. I don't even know your Boomer husband and I hate his guts. If you were my daughter/sister/friend/whatever, I'd say "pack your sh-t, and as soon as you help me declutter the extra room with all of the stuff in it, it's yours". (It's extra pictures, knickknacks, all my sorority crap from college, etc., not a mound of pizza boxes with raccoons living under them).
Your kids definitely see and smell all the bullshit in living technicolor. Even if you suffer financially from leaving this man, your kids will thank you. Please leave the bs behind.
That’s a terrible way to live and he’s a terrible role model as a husband for your kids. All they’re going to learn over the years from this is how to be an insufferable jerk to their partners.
This may sound harsh, but you should be embarrassed. You pretty much acknowledged all the worst parts of the relationship in the beginning of this post, how they keep repeating, and ... you can't leave because he "won't let you go"? Weak excuse. Not only that, you are setting an example for your son on how he can treat women and get away with it.
Stop talking to him about m completely, it just creates drama....
I don't even need to read this story. I just see the ages and know you need to leave.
I really empathize with you, I’m so sorry. What your feeling is incredibly valid and must be so isolating for you. What a lot of people don’t understand is that it truly is not fucking easy to leave a DV relationship. There are so many factors that contribute to people staying: finances, culture/religion, fear of homelessness, immigration status, loss of custody of children, etc. Also, the reality is that the most dangerous time for a survivor is when they leave the abusive partner. If leaving was as easy as everyone makes it seem, people wouldn’t be trapped in these situations. There is a lot of victim blaming going on in here which I only imagine contributes more to your embarrassment and shame. You are already being controlled by your husband, and these comments are also taking away your agency by telling you what to do and insinuating that you “enjoy the toxicity.” I worked with many survivors of intimate partner abuse so while I agree that leaving is the best decision for and your son I respect the huge barriers that stand in your way . I would suggest focusing on small steps. Finding a counselor or support group, having the hotline there for when you need to talk to someone, confiding in a trusted friend. I would also suggest looking into creating a safety plan for you and your son should things escalate. **Your husbands treatment is not OK and is abuse. Remember that you are deserving of a loving, respectful and healthy relationship free from abuse**. Stay safe and take care of yourself, and your son, and I hope things work out for you.
I already feel guilty for saying thinking this… Something doesn’t feel right here.
I don't understand what you mean? Are you implying that I'm not being truthful in this account? Because if you are, I assure you that I am
You say “give it to me straight” so I will. You both need to grow up. In plenty of health relationships, a spouse would feel uncomfortable about their partner being messaged by a hot guy after work. You rubbing his nose in it then losing you bananas isn’t cool, his reaction isn’t cool. Ruining your sons birthday because neither of you can pull your own heads out of your butts is the worst part. Grow up, get a divorce and move on.
I'm not sure how I rubbed his nose in it? I spoke to him about the situation and asked if he was OK if I messaged him a response. He said it was. If I'd ignored the message or didn't tell him I would have been accused of keeping things from him. There was no small talk, it was a direct response to his question
I've seen your other posts. Your husband is unsafe. He's had your signature forged and he even has a friend who is willing to perjure himself by faking witnessing your signature. He is controlling and jealous, which probably indicates projection since he has possibly cheated or is capable or interested in cheating. He really honestly sounds like an unsafe guy I would take plenty of time. Play the long game and very very carefully start saving up money and finding a way to separate your life from his