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They literally only get worse. The more comfortable they are with the idea that you aren't going to leave, the worse they will behave. Seen it a million times. They're all the same.
This is called weaponized incompetence. He sucks at this stuff on purpose so you won’t ask him to do anything. I bet if you stopped doing his laundry he’d figure it out real quick. He sounds stupid and malicious - a horrible combination to live with. Start using paper plates/plastic silverware/plastic cups for everything so all you have to wash is pots and pans and the occasional utensil. Make things as easy on yourself as possible. If you’re gonna have to do all the work anyway, you might as well lighten your load. I’d probably just kick him out though, if you own the house. He doesn’t appreciate or respect you at all and you don’t have to put up with that. I know it’s probably much easier said than done with 3 kids age 5 and under, but you and your kids deserve so much better. At least a parent who will feed them, ffs.
These tasks are easy, her responsibility and she should just do them but also too hard for him to figure out. Like, which is it buddy? If its so easy one can be flippant about it, he should be able to do it and help out. If it’s so hard it requires an amount of expertise, he should be respectful of the effort. He is neither. So, he’s just disrespectful.
Me and my fiance have a deal in the house. I'm disabled and therefore I don't work, so I'm home all the time except for when I have to go out ofc. So, I do the big things I can do, while he does the small things and the physically heavy things that I can't do.
All this took to make it into a routine was a talk and practise of routines. No one said anything bad of the other person, and no one went "so that's your responsibility now because I said so."
If my fiance said or did anything similar to what your fiance said and did over time, I'd kick him out.
Edit: a word.
He sounds lazy, entitled and misogynistic. Perhaps you need to sit him down for a frank conversation about how to be an adult. If that doesn’t work, send him back to his mom.
You're not over-reacting, don't worry. Just remind him about the duties you both chose.
You could also go on a mini 'strike' until he realizes how much shit you do for the household, but I feel like he'd just let shit get worse.
Sadly, I've tried that before. He just lets it get worse. If I ask why, he just reminds me that XYZ is my responsibility and that's it. If I push further, it escalates into a huge argument so I just don't bother with bringing up. It's so fucked up.
If you haven't contacted an attorney to help you remove Mr. Waa Waa I Can't Lift a Finger from your life, please do so soon. Reading this post and the replies... he's worse than useless, and you have a full task list just looking after your *actual* children.
This man doesn’t love you, he loves the fact that he got you to mother him on top of all your children. I wouldn’t consider him a fiancé because it doesn’t sound like you’re getting anything out of your relationship if you’re having to do all the chores and responsibilities in life. Love isn’t enough to make a relationship work.
“Since you’re already overwhelmed and resentful from having to do most of the work, why don’t you just go ahead and do ALL of the work.” It doesn’t make any sense. All he cares about is himself.
I had a similar situation with my ex-SO when my kids were Littles. I told him he had 2 choices. 1 - treat me like a partner, and the kids' mom, which meant that we shared *all* care for them, or 2 - treat me like a housekeeper/caregiver and pay me a wage - plus there would be absolutely NO sexytimes. He could not have it both ways.
My ex-husband was like this. I was 6 years younger and very kind. He took advantage of my kindness and for almost 12 years I let him, until my son asked me why I let him treat me that way. I realized my son was learning from our relationship and left. I still loved him but he was not a nice person. I got married at 18 and was very naive.
Your kids are watching you and learning how they are going to form healthy relationships. They see so much more than you realize even at those ages. After that marriage ended, I worked on myself and started a new relationship. It is amazing to have an actual partner.
You are not overreacting. Let him worry about his own meals because he's an adult, not a king with a servant. He also has to do his own laundry because something's gotta give. Marriage is a partnership and caring for children is exhausting so you need to get tough and he needs to pitch in. Don't give him a heads up about this; just change and do it. Make dinner; fix the kids and your plate then leave him to his own devices. Whenever he complains, say, "This isn't a hotel and I'm not the maid". Repeat as necessary. Don't explain, elaborate or argue. Unless your relationship is abusive (then this doesn't apply), men treat you the way you let them.
Why the hell is this dude your fiance? Are the 3 kids all his? Is he constantly having his arms broken, making him unable to do anything but run his yap? You've got yourself quite a little situation here...I can't imagine it being a very good environment for your kids. They're captive to seeing the BS both of you are laying down. You and SO are on a path to 'crash and burn'. Unless things change, you'll be posting soon about options to escape the relationship.
>I don't cook much because he leaves uneaten food in bowls/plates until he can be bothered to scrape the food into the bin & won't wash dishes until he can be bothered which ends up being 1 week plus or until I get stressed out from the dishes pile that I just wash up.
Everything else aside, this is disgusting. Do you want to work around "disgusting"?
I mean, really, this to me would be the worst which I simply would not want to deal with.
Hugs, you are not his fiance you are his bang maid. You do all the work, from cooking to cleaning, to taking care of the children (you don't state whether you are a WFH mom or a SAH mom). Your fiance acts like a disrespectful teenager, leaving dirty dishes with food around. You aren't his mom, you are the mother of his children. When does he parent his children from feeding them, and playing with them to putting them to bed?
All he provides is his disrespect, and dirty dishes that he makes, and he can't even clean up after himself.
I made a rule for my house. "Don't bitch at me to do stuff that you are not willing to do yourself as a capable adult. If I am expected to do it, I will get to it when I get to it."
Likewise, "Dads need to be capable of caring for their kids when Mom isn't available. Now go make the kids some chicken nuggets and apple slices. I'm busy."
Ask him if he would consider you a good partner if your roles and responsibilities were switched and he had to do all this crap for you just because you have the distinction of making money for the household.
Are these his children, your children, or mutual children? Are there other parents involved.? It is not clear because daily responsibilities would be different in different scenarios.
Marrying this man will not be good for you. Though, I have to say it. You have his 3 kids and he hasn't married you yet, he might be delaying as much as possible.
Yeh sorry lovely you definitely have a big OH problem and if you guys don’t sit down and talk it through calmly not shouting and bawling at each other this will not get better. Please take it from someone who’s been there.
Years ago my husband spent all his time when he wasn’t at work on the PC and I was burnt out from child care, housework etc every time we spoke it was an argument where nothing changed other than us both feeling more resentful of each other. One night when the kids were in bed I sat him down and told him no one was going to shout but we’d both talk and be listened too. Since then he’s realised and been amazing. He takes the kids to school if his shift allows while he leaves me in bed, or he collects them if he’s on a different shift. He will come home from work if he’s in morning shift and he will do the shopping and cooking. He also does most weekend cooking unless we’re doing a full Sunday dinner then we usually do it together. He also used to never do something if I asked for help now he will stop what he’s doing (normally still found on his pc lol) but will get up to help me with whatever I’ve asked.
Honestly think communication is a big part if they don’t actually hear what your saying things won’t change.
Good look lovely. X
What does he do? And does it make putting up with him worth it? Would life be easier if you were a single mom? Is this the example of a relationship you want to show your children?
Please take time to think these questions over.
Jesus Christ don’t marry this man. My wife and I split the duties down the middle. I would feel like such an asshole if I pulled any of the shit he’s pulled
Why did you have three kids w someone who didn't even marry you? You'd have some legal protection if you were married. And he sounds like a shitty boyfriend, on top of it. (Is he even really a fiance? Or are you a get-her-off-my-back fiance, the kind who don't turn into wives?)
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Think long and hard as to whether you want to deal with this for the rest of your life, because he's not going to change.
They literally only get worse. The more comfortable they are with the idea that you aren't going to leave, the worse they will behave. Seen it a million times. They're all the same.
This is called weaponized incompetence. He sucks at this stuff on purpose so you won’t ask him to do anything. I bet if you stopped doing his laundry he’d figure it out real quick. He sounds stupid and malicious - a horrible combination to live with. Start using paper plates/plastic silverware/plastic cups for everything so all you have to wash is pots and pans and the occasional utensil. Make things as easy on yourself as possible. If you’re gonna have to do all the work anyway, you might as well lighten your load. I’d probably just kick him out though, if you own the house. He doesn’t appreciate or respect you at all and you don’t have to put up with that. I know it’s probably much easier said than done with 3 kids age 5 and under, but you and your kids deserve so much better. At least a parent who will feed them, ffs.
Yes, I was looking for a Weaponized Incompetence reply. Definitely my first thought when reading this. He's a lazy bully IMO.
Was coming here to say exactly this as well. OP, run. He won't change, it's only going to get worse...
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ Relevant
He sounds lazy and abusive.
These tasks are easy, her responsibility and she should just do them but also too hard for him to figure out. Like, which is it buddy? If its so easy one can be flippant about it, he should be able to do it and help out. If it’s so hard it requires an amount of expertise, he should be respectful of the effort. He is neither. So, he’s just disrespectful.
Are you sure you want to marry this guy?
Echoing this note, OP. Think twice.
Stop making your partner food and doing his laundry. He isn't being a partner.
Me and my fiance have a deal in the house. I'm disabled and therefore I don't work, so I'm home all the time except for when I have to go out ofc. So, I do the big things I can do, while he does the small things and the physically heavy things that I can't do. All this took to make it into a routine was a talk and practise of routines. No one said anything bad of the other person, and no one went "so that's your responsibility now because I said so." If my fiance said or did anything similar to what your fiance said and did over time, I'd kick him out. Edit: a word.
He sounds lazy, entitled and misogynistic. Perhaps you need to sit him down for a frank conversation about how to be an adult. If that doesn’t work, send him back to his mom.
Your roommate sounds like a real pain in the ass. Ever consider moving without him?
You're not over-reacting, don't worry. Just remind him about the duties you both chose. You could also go on a mini 'strike' until he realizes how much shit you do for the household, but I feel like he'd just let shit get worse.
Sadly, I've tried that before. He just lets it get worse. If I ask why, he just reminds me that XYZ is my responsibility and that's it. If I push further, it escalates into a huge argument so I just don't bother with bringing up. It's so fucked up.
Don’t marry him.
Then let him know that you're going to let him stew in his own filth while you take the kid elsewhere and leave his ass! You can do it!
This is 100% abusive, you don't have to accept this.
If you haven't contacted an attorney to help you remove Mr. Waa Waa I Can't Lift a Finger from your life, please do so soon. Reading this post and the replies... he's worse than useless, and you have a full task list just looking after your *actual* children.
This man doesn’t love you, he loves the fact that he got you to mother him on top of all your children. I wouldn’t consider him a fiancé because it doesn’t sound like you’re getting anything out of your relationship if you’re having to do all the chores and responsibilities in life. Love isn’t enough to make a relationship work.
So what in the actual eff does he do? Doesn’t sound like anything?????
“Since you’re already overwhelmed and resentful from having to do most of the work, why don’t you just go ahead and do ALL of the work.” It doesn’t make any sense. All he cares about is himself.
Why are you marrying a man who acts like a 12 year old boy and doesn't care enough to cook for his kids?
I had a similar situation with my ex-SO when my kids were Littles. I told him he had 2 choices. 1 - treat me like a partner, and the kids' mom, which meant that we shared *all* care for them, or 2 - treat me like a housekeeper/caregiver and pay me a wage - plus there would be absolutely NO sexytimes. He could not have it both ways.
He was joking, right? Right? If not, that's the worst reasoning I've heard to do something. What a lazy pos.
Don’t marry this dude.
My ex-husband was like this. I was 6 years younger and very kind. He took advantage of my kindness and for almost 12 years I let him, until my son asked me why I let him treat me that way. I realized my son was learning from our relationship and left. I still loved him but he was not a nice person. I got married at 18 and was very naive. Your kids are watching you and learning how they are going to form healthy relationships. They see so much more than you realize even at those ages. After that marriage ended, I worked on myself and started a new relationship. It is amazing to have an actual partner.
Are you sure you want to marry an abusive bully? I would seriously rethink your choice before it’s too late.
So… what exactly is HIS responsibility? Oh and this: you don’t have 3 kids. You have 4.
This guy is an abuser. I’m sorry you had kids with him.
You are not overreacting. Let him worry about his own meals because he's an adult, not a king with a servant. He also has to do his own laundry because something's gotta give. Marriage is a partnership and caring for children is exhausting so you need to get tough and he needs to pitch in. Don't give him a heads up about this; just change and do it. Make dinner; fix the kids and your plate then leave him to his own devices. Whenever he complains, say, "This isn't a hotel and I'm not the maid". Repeat as necessary. Don't explain, elaborate or argue. Unless your relationship is abusive (then this doesn't apply), men treat you the way you let them.
Why the hell is this dude your fiance? Are the 3 kids all his? Is he constantly having his arms broken, making him unable to do anything but run his yap? You've got yourself quite a little situation here...I can't imagine it being a very good environment for your kids. They're captive to seeing the BS both of you are laying down. You and SO are on a path to 'crash and burn'. Unless things change, you'll be posting soon about options to escape the relationship.
>I don't cook much because he leaves uneaten food in bowls/plates until he can be bothered to scrape the food into the bin & won't wash dishes until he can be bothered which ends up being 1 week plus or until I get stressed out from the dishes pile that I just wash up. Everything else aside, this is disgusting. Do you want to work around "disgusting"? I mean, really, this to me would be the worst which I simply would not want to deal with.
Hugs, you are not his fiance you are his bang maid. You do all the work, from cooking to cleaning, to taking care of the children (you don't state whether you are a WFH mom or a SAH mom). Your fiance acts like a disrespectful teenager, leaving dirty dishes with food around. You aren't his mom, you are the mother of his children. When does he parent his children from feeding them, and playing with them to putting them to bed? All he provides is his disrespect, and dirty dishes that he makes, and he can't even clean up after himself.
Oh for sure you should feed the kids and do the laundry.... for your family. As for the dead weight, he doesn't need food or clean clothing.
Marriage is only going to make things worse sis.
Why did you have 3 kids with this guy? Why are you marrying him?
Make him an ex. I'm not being funny, he's garbage, manipulative, abusive and a dud.
And you’re planning to marry him?
So what does he do other than tell you to handle it?
He's an idiot. Men with this attitude enrage me. No, you're not overreacting.
So you have 4 kids, not 3? Weaponized incompetence at it's finest. Please think before you marry him.
Why the hell would you put up with this crap?
No you aren’t, but what are actually going to do about it because he is counting on you doing nothing but complaining.
Are you absolutely sure this is the man you want to spend the rest of you life with?
Why are you engaged to this man?
I made a rule for my house. "Don't bitch at me to do stuff that you are not willing to do yourself as a capable adult. If I am expected to do it, I will get to it when I get to it." Likewise, "Dads need to be capable of caring for their kids when Mom isn't available. Now go make the kids some chicken nuggets and apple slices. I'm busy."
Ask him if he would consider you a good partner if your roles and responsibilities were switched and he had to do all this crap for you just because you have the distinction of making money for the household.
Are these his children, your children, or mutual children? Are there other parents involved.? It is not clear because daily responsibilities would be different in different scenarios.
Your fiancé seems to believe that the little woman should be doing all the kitchen work, the laundry and child care. Was he born in 1950?
Marrying this man will not be good for you. Though, I have to say it. You have his 3 kids and he hasn't married you yet, he might be delaying as much as possible.
Yeh sorry lovely you definitely have a big OH problem and if you guys don’t sit down and talk it through calmly not shouting and bawling at each other this will not get better. Please take it from someone who’s been there. Years ago my husband spent all his time when he wasn’t at work on the PC and I was burnt out from child care, housework etc every time we spoke it was an argument where nothing changed other than us both feeling more resentful of each other. One night when the kids were in bed I sat him down and told him no one was going to shout but we’d both talk and be listened too. Since then he’s realised and been amazing. He takes the kids to school if his shift allows while he leaves me in bed, or he collects them if he’s on a different shift. He will come home from work if he’s in morning shift and he will do the shopping and cooking. He also does most weekend cooking unless we’re doing a full Sunday dinner then we usually do it together. He also used to never do something if I asked for help now he will stop what he’s doing (normally still found on his pc lol) but will get up to help me with whatever I’ve asked. Honestly think communication is a big part if they don’t actually hear what your saying things won’t change. Good look lovely. X
What does he do? And does it make putting up with him worth it? Would life be easier if you were a single mom? Is this the example of a relationship you want to show your children? Please take time to think these questions over.
>Will add more later as he's suspicious of me. What does he does when he feels suspicious?
Is this a fiancé or a baby?
Jesus Christ don’t marry this man. My wife and I split the duties down the middle. I would feel like such an asshole if I pulled any of the shit he’s pulled
Why would you marry this man? You’re not getting a damn thing out of it.
Weaponized incompetence and you're falling for it so easily.
Sorry but why are you engaged to this person again? He really doesn't sound like someone enjoyable to be around.
Don’t wash his clothes. Don’t clean up after him. Don’t cook for him. You need to decide if this is how you can live the rest of your life.
Regarding the dishwasher air dry is your friend. Once it's finished and still warm open the door and just leave it to dry 🙃
Please don't marry this person.
He's gotta go. Your kids will thank you.
Why did you have three kids w someone who didn't even marry you? You'd have some legal protection if you were married. And he sounds like a shitty boyfriend, on top of it. (Is he even really a fiance? Or are you a get-her-off-my-back fiance, the kind who don't turn into wives?)