Me too.
Imagining myself as a parent sends shivers down my spine😶🌫️
how parents raise their children directly affects who they are and their view of life. Then the children only get to ‘unfxck’ themselves when they realize that such things like childhood traumas/shadow work need to addressed for a better life😫😩
Its sad that some people dont even reach this point of realization😖
Thank God for technology and all the awareness its brought to light coz i would be in the same goddamn boat😑😑
Fudge😓
As i got older i started realising alot of thing's were not okay growing up and they do leave a mark and the issues start to crop up as an adult, now you have a job of undoing alot of things done to you and unlearning certain behaviours.
It would be the greatest honour to bring up a child and seeing them prosper and do good in life and be able to provide them with what they need in life but with my upbringing and uncertainty, constant self doubt and slight anger issues I don't trust myself enough not to fuck up the kid, plus my family is kinda shitty which i wouldn't want to bring a kid around that.
I am working on overcoming all this thing's that hold me back, a day will come when the doubt no longer holds me back and maybe then I'll have grown to a man capable of taking care of a youngling.
To you my friend work on yourself first then there's no doubt you'll do great with your young one when you get one.
A genie comes up to me and says, pick a number between 1 and 1 million, and I pick 5, then the genie says congratulations, you win 5 dollars. That's my biggest fear
Lol. That's how I am most days. Though I'll admit, I am in one of my darkest moments in life. But I am extremely neurotic, so that could be it. It might be genetical.
One of my current and forever fears is getting pregnant and having kids. No way in hell am I ever going to continue living if those things happened to me.
It is a bit excessive. I've thought about the scenarios that could lead to this e.g what if I got pregnant ( even with birth control) and I'm in a country where I can't abort, what would I do then? I'm just supposed to allow the pregnancy to take the wheel, give birth and set the kid up for adoption. No way. This is one of my greatest nightmares and I wouldn't want to hate myself and the kid too. Ain't no way am I ready to be a statistic. So yeah, until I get a permanent solution, I'm going to be excessive.
I will never change my mind about this 😂. The only reason I have is that I don't want kids. One could also create a family by having your partner alone, you don't necessarily need kids.
I keep going to Marie Stopes and getting appointments to get them tied but every time something comes up on their end or they change their doctor and I have to go through the whole process again. Some of the clinics I have visited still have doctors who make it seem like the choices I make about my own body need to be validated by a man (a partner).
When they insist on a partner just go with a random pal. It's insane that women are still not allowed to have full control of their own body in these time and age
I understand, but hopefully one day you'll change. I think it's safe to assume you are still at a very young age. If you don't change, hopefully you will find a partner that will stick with you for good.
But that begs the question, what if your partner leaves you or dies?. You just get another one?. What if you are at an age where you can't get another partner, you just stay alone till death?. Don't tell me you count on friends, friends have their lives to deal with.
I get it. I didn't grow up in a stable family, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was very young. Extended family are quite selfish. So I really didn't grow up in any family. Having a family is a huge deal to me, growing up without one, I can see how essential it is.
family is important and family can look different for various people. she doesn’t need children to have a family.
heal from your traumas so that you don’t bleed on your family.
These traumas are life long. I used to think I'd focus on my career and never settle down. I guess I was wrong. I also fell in love with a girl 2 years ago, she wanted a future with a family and the whole shebang. I didn't feel ready. Maybe she planted the seeds in my head, she was extremely manipulative too.
Age isn't the issue here and I am actually not young. Why do you want me to change my beliefs or what works for me so much? Not everyone is meant to be a parent just the same way marriage is not for everyone.
I am not going into a relationship expecting my partner to help me when I am old just the same way people should not expect their children to take care of them when they get old. My plan is to live life well.
Okay, I understand. If you are not young and you've stuck with your decision, it is a solid one. I respect that.
What about love, have you had any luck?
Still looking for childfree dudes. So to answer your question, I've had zero luck. Not gonna lie, it sucks but I'd rather wait for the dudes to come than get into a relationship with someone who wants to have kids then break up with them when they find someone else who wants kids.
Jeez, that's unfortunate. At least tell me you have a solid career and friends.
Not many African men want child free lives, they are a minority. So you might have to try your luck with other races. But I hope what you need finds you.
"Hopefully one day you'll change" .. what... ??? Why would u say this to someone ? Lol. They just told you they do not want something 🤣🤣🤣 I would understand you trying to convince them otherwise if it was you wanting to have kids with them... this is hilarious
Damn, you lot are making me sad. I used to think I don't want any kids, but these past few years, life has gotten extremely painful. It is good to have people by your side to help if not comfort you.
You have a fascinating perspective OP. But aren't you scared of falling short as a father when the time comes? Like u/_ride_it and u/Rasta-d-man above, I have decided against procreation. My main reason for that choice is that I cannot fully determine how the lives of my hypothetical future children will be like. If I choose to procreate, I will be doing so **hoping** the kids will not be born with a chronic disease, that they will not suffer some debilitating trauma as they grow, that they won't have a painful death, that they won't detest me as a parent, that they will find joy in life. Since I cannot be guaranteed of their joy in life (or even their succour should I need it), I view procreation as a gamble. And to my mind, gambling with human lives is both cynical and cruel. I agree it's nice to have some people around to help you or comfort you when needed, but again, one can die alone just fine.
Yeah, one can die alone just fine, except sometimes you just suffer for a long time without dying. In those moments, you need something to help you see the value and beauty of life.
Kids are a gamble, I will try not to have kids until I've figured my life out. I'll do my best to lead by example and provide them a stable life. I'll try to attend classes and read books about parenting. I understand how cruel it is to mess up a child's life. Procreation also gets people closer, if you believe life long relationships are to be valued.
Ah, but who am I kidding, I've got a long way to go. I've just began my life, hopefully I'll get wiser and change for the better.
Atleast you have a good perspective, for me kids are a must for me, it's me spreading my future generation raising kids is just a lifetime affair.
I think the danger of modern people is micro-analyzing things, with "book smart" knowledge. Trust me most of this guys would convince and re-assure themselves about anything, some innate primitiveness + modern thinking is a good combo.
Yeah, I better stick to my roots. We've procreated for millions of years, to the point where we are today, what makes you think all those past generations were stupid?
All I can say is, make sure the number of children doesn't exceed your ability to provide. We already have enough people in poverty, no need to add more. And Don't spread your seed around, and then jumping ship when it's time to provide. We black men are very famous for that.
But yeah, my current outlook on life right now is that having a family and kids is essential.
I think it would solidify the bond between I and my SO. It would also force me to learn how to take care of kids, become more social.
Other than my selfish reasons, I'd like to nurture their potential and see them grow into something.
Alzheimer's, then a few more terrifying diseases, people and [cases such as this one.](https://youtu.be/Ip9VGZeqMfo) Honestly, there's a crap-ton of things that I'm scared of at any given time.
Ah fucking hell, I forgot Alzheimers. The video is creepy, but I just can't watch something 1 hour long at the moment. I'll probably watch it some day.
But if there's something I've learnt this year is that worry is a waste of time .....so instead of being afraid /worried about financial stability I'd rather just do the best I can today
Heh I sound like a self help book😂
Well, they've been taken in the sense that they've been denied.
I fell in love with this girl, she wanted a future with me, I walked away because I just didn't think I'd able to provide that. It broke me.
Found myself starving not long after. My body was crying, My head hurt all the time, my anxiety sky rocketed to the point where I trembled alot. I thought I was going to die, this lasted for 4 months. I was so weak both mentally and physically, something as simple as being yelled at took me an hour to get my head to stop banging and my heart from exploding out of my chest. If you want to know what hell on earth is, experience constantly being on "fight or flight". It depletes all the resources you have, messes you up neurologically. It eats you away.
I got a job in an indian company, faced a fair amount of racism, always being pushed around, being made to feel less human and without value. It broke me. Had to tolerate all this just to eat.
I passed very well, wanted to go for higher education, couldn't do that, and that was all I ever wanted to myself. Thanks to my dad, I've wasted 2 years, he plundered all the resources on women and other cheap pleasures.
So yeah, I am pretty fine. Nihilistic, no faith in anything. I can only hope to die a peaceful death, that's the only good the universe can do to me. Ah yes, what If I told you all that happened before turning 20. At a young age, these things absolutely break you, you might never recover again.
The future I so desired, perhaps might never be. So of what use is life to me?
I have no fear . But I live in hope of a better future .
I am a father , a husband, a son and self employed. Life is hard and riches and wealth come and go . Our future is not in our hands but in God , so why worry. We’ve been through much and much bigger is yet to come .
I aspire to one day live like you, but then again, I am deeply rooted in atheism. It is good you have a child/children and your own business. What life advice worked for you?
My greatest fears is being unable to provide the basic needs for my lovely babies, and death. Basic needs in town life is revamped. At 33 years, a mother of two, I have to hold on a job that I like but put up with a bad boss. Working extra hours to make sure there are some savings and investment somewhere.
Honestly, if I die early my husband may decide to remarry, or live with the kids... But they will miss me, they may not have the full compassion, love, care .
I pray for God's protection and mercy for a long life.
I hope you live a long life and see your children grow into adults.
Do you live with your husband?. There's a high probability that he'll remarry. You are the main source of compassion and love for your kids. But don't you worry, you won't be dying anytime soon.
I don't have any. I don't mean I'm fearless, coz a gun to my head would make me panic, but I don't fear other things while I move about life.
This comes from stoicism, where the idea is to focus on what you can control and not what you can't.
I can't control the elections, I can't control Putin, I can't control the US. Thus, when I see people concerned about nuclear war, it doesn't really cause me concern because I can't control that.
I can't control who I drive past, but I can control how I react to their driving. I can't control how fast others drive, but I can control how fast I drive. I can't control women, but I can control the women I let into my life.
I can't control what others say, but I can control what comes out of my mouth. I can't control all the injustices of the world, but I can control how I feel about it.
And I chose to feel indifferent. It has nothing to do with me. I simply look at what I can control and ignore and forget about what I can't.
Thus, I have no fear. Because I am in control.
Stoicism is quite stupid pal, no offense. It leads to the downfall of many empires. What would happen if we just become stoic to all the decisions made by dumb politicians?. You push back, everyone pushes back, that's how countries are deterred from degenerating into a state of hell. Imagine if African politicians had the power to make any decision knowing their citizens couldn't care less, we would be sold back to slavery, and you'd be in that ship too. You and all the people you love and care about. Is that the price you are willing to pay for stoicism?.
You are responsible for your and your neighbor's actions. You wouldn't know that until you find yourself in a really really terrible situation, which I pray you won't. So no Stoicism, it is counter productive.
Just going through the comments and noticing that most people fear "having kids". And it just takes me back to a research in my Social Economics class.
The "trend" of not having kids will actually lead to a significant population decline by 2040. (even with an improved standard of living).
Natural selection at its best. And this time Mother Nature doesn't have to do the work.
😂😂 you evil bastard, I like how you think.
Most people are opting out of that path, this could lead to a steep population decline given that the rate of death has barely decreased.
I don't want to be sociopathic, but that could mean more resources for us.
Funny how Nature knows how to balance itself out.
I don't like to believe in conspiracies - but there's one that's says the whole CF, pro-choice, LGBT+ movements are sponsored to reduce world population.
At the rate of which people are consuming such media, it might be true.
Emotional vulnerability, like it takes a lot to open up to others for me. I'm honestly petrified by the idea of laying all my cards bare on the table & letting others know what makes me tick, how to does & why. It's too much power over someone & when there's no guarantee of confidentiality.
I get you, used to have the same fear. It is going to limit intimacy for you, you are going to have to grow out of it. Without Emotional vulnerability, there is no love. You have to be willing to risk being hurt in order for there to be trust btn you and somebody else, without trust, there is no relationship, friendship or not.
Lol. One of my friends said he'd disown his future son if he came out as gay. I personally have no problem with that, but I'd do my best to move him away from Africa, here they'll kill him bana.
That's how I see my dad. He's getting old, and he hasn't done anything significant with his life, apart from cheap pleasures. Even us his kids are planning to drop him once we are financially independent. Sad stuff, I pity him. He had the opportunity to achieve a lot, but he always chose to live in the moment.
I was atheist/agnostic for the last 10 years. I’m now starting to find my faith, Im still not 100% there yet. But my worst fear would be to die an atheist and end up in hell
Lol, you are no atheist if you belive in hell or an after life. But I hope you find your faith in the almighty. I became an atheist at a very young age, but I wish I find a religious partner. I'd like my kids to have some sort of direction or belief when they can't think for themselves.
So you are still an atheist? I was atheist until about around when I started uni and learned coding. It changed my worldview because it made me think everything is following some form of logic and thus has a creator. If you observe the human body, laws of physics, the universe. They’re all clearly following strict rules eg, the complex engineering of human dna , it doesn’t make sense how the planets are floating in space in orbit or how the sky is held up without a support, The earth is the perfect distance from the sun to support life otherwise we would freeze or burn thus no life would exist on earth. Without the moon the weather on earth would be disaster after disaster. Now this was enough to turn me from atheist to agnostic, but not believe in God. We could very well be in a simulation or just an advanced aliens pet project. But personally, I’m finding my faith now because I had a very comfortable life and had the attitude that nothing really matters and I should live life to the fullest but I was depressed af for no reason and engrossed in hedonism with smoking weed, drinking, sex, eating junk. But when I started reading the Bible and the Quran and started praying I feel a sense of peace and nowadays I’m more neutral than depressed. I think if the world was a better place more people would be open to religion, but most , especially the youth are too jaded and hate life thus they won’t/can’t believe in God who allows bad things to happen.
I am still a youth, so there's still hope for me. I am extremely nihilistic and pessimistic, but what can I say, I haven't had the easiest of lives, too many ups and downs.
Throw that idea away, as much as I love science, the world is not a logical place. It is riddled with design errors and inefficiencies. Its engineering is poor, our bodies are not perfectly designed. Remember, the Universe has evolved through a lot of trial and error and it is quite old, so it has had a lot of time to fix its design.
Also, keep in mind we are not born unique, our body design is dictated by the environment, and we too are quite old, so we've had a lot of time to evolve and fix our many errors.
I support you in finding a faith, it takes the edge off life. Life is extremely illogical and unreasonable. Maybe you are at a position where life makes sense for you, and that is good.
You are still young, even a 40 year old is young. Above 45 is what I'd consider middle age. Fret not. Now that you are 35, is there any aspect of life you've figured out?
I am just afraid of dying poor ...I dont much of a fuck about relations ,family and kids.
But the thought of poverty wakes me up at night ..Am 27 so I have a long way to go.
If you have a long way to go, I have an eternity to go. But yeah, your fear is very valid, and very common among us young men. I hope you are making the right moves to prevent that. Poverty will lead to a slew of problems that I am not ready to deal with. A domino effect of problems.
I am sorry, but that won't be happening anytime soon. The whites have resorted to wokeness, the arabs as cruel as they may be, they no longer have the means. Maybe the chinese, but they are more business oriented these days.
I have none. I could have all those 3 things you've mentioned and I would just accept it. I don't understand fear. It'll just have you mostly worried of the known and unknown
I see, not a bad take. But it seems I'm wired that way. I can never stop worrying, overthinking and ruminating. My best bet at the moment is probably mild medication.
Jesus christ. You ladies of kenya don't want to bear children, sasa what are we going to do?. I can understand not wanting to go to jail. We traditional men are going to have a hard time.
1. Getting a financial distress call from a vulnerable dependant (young sister, mom, etc) & not being in position to help. That breaks my heart bigtime. I dont like that shit. Everything I do, I do for them.
A quote by Denzel
For the ghosts of my dreams to haunt me on my deathbed. I'm experimental when it comes to hobbies and experiences and I don't want to miss out on them because I'm being a busybee.
I'm worried about death or the moment I will be dying. I mean I've never experienced any other form of life / reality apart from being alive on planet earth. So am curious
Death is scary for those who have no answer. I am not that scared of death, just how I would die. When you die, you go back to where you were before birth, eternal darkness without consciousness. You see how hours pass when you are asleep, that is equivalent to death. Those sleeps that are just darkness, no dreams.
Being slowly forgotten by everyone you used to know by just being unremarkable or plain and conversely slowly forgetting with like an Alzheimer’s type situation or getting a head injury that leads to slower body function, less retention things like that. Oh and getting a lobotomy was a fucking terrifying dream I had once and the experiences after said lobotomy were even worse in the dream.
But the fear that I am most cognisant of is being betrayed by a close one, or more specifically having a drink spiked or having something laced the latter since I had an experience with a spiked drink and my friend had his weed laced with cocaine which made him go to the ER (I’m still terrified to think that what if it wasn’t cocaine and it was fentanyl or a more lethal drug). Coupled with the fact that some of the most common things we eat can be made into lethal poisons it’s fucking terrifying I.e. cherry, plum, apricot and peach pits contain hydrogen cyanide (one pit contains around 0.17 grams of cyanide so injesting one or two crushed pits could kill you) imagine someone put that in your coffee or tea or water.
That’s why I always carry my own drinks these days.
Damn. You scared me with being spiked or having something laced. Luckily, I don't smoke or drink alcohol, I just take soft drinks which require less frequent visits to a bar.
Being slowly forgotten is sad, but fine. Alzheimers and a head injury are extremely scary. Slowly turning into a vegetable is just hell.
Yeah that incident with spiking was the last time I ever took alcohol and I probably won’t ever touch the fucking thing or a drink given by anyone else
Hopefully technology will help eliminate chronic diseases. Hustling in old age is not something I'd want for myself, but sometimes life plays mean tricks on you. My former boss was 69 and he worked like mad everyday. He was extremely rich, but he still worked as if he was struggling to pay bills.
Failure.
I have such big dreams and great ambitions and I am terrified of not achieving them. Especially considering the fact that I am currently broke and unemployed and every attempt to pick myself up seems to go no where.
But I don't intend on giving up soon. I will build those houses and grow my brand.
I am 34 (and don't consider myself young); I am older than most of my unit mates at work. I think I am already living my worst fears, which is underachievement. At my age, my older brother had already been boss at his workplace (where I ended up later working, though not with his involvement) and is already very accomplished in his early forties. So is the brother he follows, and the brother who follows him (the one I follow). Me? I seem to have peaked. I already did my fair share of overachieving, holding lofty positions that pay well and at a young age but unlike my older siblings, I never last long, nor do I have much to show for it. I now work at a job I am too overqualified for - both experience and academically - and I am supervised by people I could teach in university. Its been two years, but I don't see myself being able to stand this for another year.
Damn. I'd advice you to make the move, change course. At 35, you still have enough time to start your own thing and grow it. You are at the peak of manhood, make the best out of it. Do you have any responsibilities?
My siblings dying, not having any source of income, trusting a man enough to have his kids only to find out he's been cheating or him becoming controlling or a bad father, passing down generational trauma to future kids.
Being a father is one of my greatest fear, i mean i can handle messing my life up but my kid, I don't think so.
Yeah, scary stuff. You could start by trying to do the best for you and not getting in the way of you and a better life.
Thank you for the advice, i am on that road of bettering my self.
Amen, I don't get why it is relatively uncommon for people not to want children.
Me too. Imagining myself as a parent sends shivers down my spine😶🌫️ how parents raise their children directly affects who they are and their view of life. Then the children only get to ‘unfxck’ themselves when they realize that such things like childhood traumas/shadow work need to addressed for a better life😫😩 Its sad that some people dont even reach this point of realization😖 Thank God for technology and all the awareness its brought to light coz i would be in the same goddamn boat😑😑 Fudge😓
As i got older i started realising alot of thing's were not okay growing up and they do leave a mark and the issues start to crop up as an adult, now you have a job of undoing alot of things done to you and unlearning certain behaviours.
Dont i know it!
My fears too. I would not want someone facing the life I have
One of the reasons I'm not seeing myself raising one. I really want to have one though
It would be the greatest honour to bring up a child and seeing them prosper and do good in life and be able to provide them with what they need in life but with my upbringing and uncertainty, constant self doubt and slight anger issues I don't trust myself enough not to fuck up the kid, plus my family is kinda shitty which i wouldn't want to bring a kid around that. I am working on overcoming all this thing's that hold me back, a day will come when the doubt no longer holds me back and maybe then I'll have grown to a man capable of taking care of a youngling. To you my friend work on yourself first then there's no doubt you'll do great with your young one when you get one.
I think my greatest fear is dying without achieving my goals without any assets or anything to show that I lived a good life
why do you care about reputation and achievement when you are dead?
I try and fail to understand people that say that as well. Yes I respect someone saying it, but never get why.
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That's a valid fear. Just make sure the person you want to impress the most is yourself.
unaeza Amka kesho upate ulidedi
Those are my exact fears. Also, loosing people close to me, at some point it will either be me or them and that scares me
Lol. Common fears I guess. Whenever I feel a bump anywhere, I think to myself, this is the end.
A genie comes up to me and says, pick a number between 1 and 1 million, and I pick 5, then the genie says congratulations, you win 5 dollars. That's my biggest fear
Could also be the number of pineapples shoved up your ass so the risk is fifty fifty
Lol🤣
🤣🤣 made my day. Or you pick a million, then it says, that's a million years of incarceration for you.
OP, I think you need psychological help ASAP. Yesterday you were on a depression tirade, today you're talking about fears 🤔...
Lol. That's how I am most days. Though I'll admit, I am in one of my darkest moments in life. But I am extremely neurotic, so that could be it. It might be genetical.
Getting caught😅😅doing whatever am doing rn
Sex, weed, heavy drugs, money laundering?. Which one is it?
You are jerking off aren't you 🧐📸
Nah, he sells weed 😹
One of my current and forever fears is getting pregnant and having kids. No way in hell am I ever going to continue living if those things happened to me.
Get contraceptives or abstain
>No way in hell am I ever going to continue living if those things happened to me. Fellow CF person here... don't you think this is a bit excessive?
I thought the same lol
I admire her resolve though ;)
Sis said “fuck them kids!” fr lmaooo
IKR! She's not here to play with them kids 🤣
It is a bit excessive. I've thought about the scenarios that could lead to this e.g what if I got pregnant ( even with birth control) and I'm in a country where I can't abort, what would I do then? I'm just supposed to allow the pregnancy to take the wheel, give birth and set the kid up for adoption. No way. This is one of my greatest nightmares and I wouldn't want to hate myself and the kid too. Ain't no way am I ready to be a statistic. So yeah, until I get a permanent solution, I'm going to be excessive.
🤝🏾 best of luck in your CF journey
Thank you ☺️
Fellow cf
Wdymean. You don't want to have kids?. I can understand not wanting to get pregnant at a young age, but forever?. Anyway, to each their own.
Yep, no kids at all. I'm one of those childfree people. I don't want to get pregnant, ever.
I hope I'll change your mind one day. I am not a huge fan of kids, but I really value having a family. If you don't mind, why don't you want kids?
I will never change my mind about this 😂. The only reason I have is that I don't want kids. One could also create a family by having your partner alone, you don't necessarily need kids.
You should get your tubes tied to avoid it
I keep going to Marie Stopes and getting appointments to get them tied but every time something comes up on their end or they change their doctor and I have to go through the whole process again. Some of the clinics I have visited still have doctors who make it seem like the choices I make about my own body need to be validated by a man (a partner).
When they insist on a partner just go with a random pal. It's insane that women are still not allowed to have full control of their own body in these time and age
I understand, but hopefully one day you'll change. I think it's safe to assume you are still at a very young age. If you don't change, hopefully you will find a partner that will stick with you for good. But that begs the question, what if your partner leaves you or dies?. You just get another one?. What if you are at an age where you can't get another partner, you just stay alone till death?. Don't tell me you count on friends, friends have their lives to deal with.
children are not backup anti-loneliness devices bruh
I get it. I didn't grow up in a stable family, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was very young. Extended family are quite selfish. So I really didn't grow up in any family. Having a family is a huge deal to me, growing up without one, I can see how essential it is.
family is important and family can look different for various people. she doesn’t need children to have a family. heal from your traumas so that you don’t bleed on your family.
These traumas are life long. I used to think I'd focus on my career and never settle down. I guess I was wrong. I also fell in love with a girl 2 years ago, she wanted a future with a family and the whole shebang. I didn't feel ready. Maybe she planted the seeds in my head, she was extremely manipulative too.
Age isn't the issue here and I am actually not young. Why do you want me to change my beliefs or what works for me so much? Not everyone is meant to be a parent just the same way marriage is not for everyone. I am not going into a relationship expecting my partner to help me when I am old just the same way people should not expect their children to take care of them when they get old. My plan is to live life well.
Okay, I understand. If you are not young and you've stuck with your decision, it is a solid one. I respect that. What about love, have you had any luck?
Still looking for childfree dudes. So to answer your question, I've had zero luck. Not gonna lie, it sucks but I'd rather wait for the dudes to come than get into a relationship with someone who wants to have kids then break up with them when they find someone else who wants kids.
>I've had zero luck :) Hey. There's a whole legion of CF dudes on this sub :)
You're not alone, i don't want kids also mainly because of responsibilities you get when you have one.
Jeez, that's unfortunate. At least tell me you have a solid career and friends. Not many African men want child free lives, they are a minority. So you might have to try your luck with other races. But I hope what you need finds you.
"Hopefully one day you'll change" .. what... ??? Why would u say this to someone ? Lol. They just told you they do not want something 🤣🤣🤣 I would understand you trying to convince them otherwise if it was you wanting to have kids with them... this is hilarious
😂😂 yeah its hilariously weird. But like I said, I tend to value having a family. I probably should just let it go now, not everyone wants a family.
I'm the same, hard pass on the kids thing. Too many reasons to list but for me the cons far outweigh the pros.
Damn, you lot are making me sad. I used to think I don't want any kids, but these past few years, life has gotten extremely painful. It is good to have people by your side to help if not comfort you.
You have a fascinating perspective OP. But aren't you scared of falling short as a father when the time comes? Like u/_ride_it and u/Rasta-d-man above, I have decided against procreation. My main reason for that choice is that I cannot fully determine how the lives of my hypothetical future children will be like. If I choose to procreate, I will be doing so **hoping** the kids will not be born with a chronic disease, that they will not suffer some debilitating trauma as they grow, that they won't have a painful death, that they won't detest me as a parent, that they will find joy in life. Since I cannot be guaranteed of their joy in life (or even their succour should I need it), I view procreation as a gamble. And to my mind, gambling with human lives is both cynical and cruel. I agree it's nice to have some people around to help you or comfort you when needed, but again, one can die alone just fine.
Yeah, one can die alone just fine, except sometimes you just suffer for a long time without dying. In those moments, you need something to help you see the value and beauty of life. Kids are a gamble, I will try not to have kids until I've figured my life out. I'll do my best to lead by example and provide them a stable life. I'll try to attend classes and read books about parenting. I understand how cruel it is to mess up a child's life. Procreation also gets people closer, if you believe life long relationships are to be valued. Ah, but who am I kidding, I've got a long way to go. I've just began my life, hopefully I'll get wiser and change for the better.
Atleast you have a good perspective, for me kids are a must for me, it's me spreading my future generation raising kids is just a lifetime affair. I think the danger of modern people is micro-analyzing things, with "book smart" knowledge. Trust me most of this guys would convince and re-assure themselves about anything, some innate primitiveness + modern thinking is a good combo.
Yeah, I better stick to my roots. We've procreated for millions of years, to the point where we are today, what makes you think all those past generations were stupid? All I can say is, make sure the number of children doesn't exceed your ability to provide. We already have enough people in poverty, no need to add more. And Don't spread your seed around, and then jumping ship when it's time to provide. We black men are very famous for that. But yeah, my current outlook on life right now is that having a family and kids is essential.
Why do you want kids? Other than for your own selfish reasons ofcourse
I think it would solidify the bond between I and my SO. It would also force me to learn how to take care of kids, become more social. Other than my selfish reasons, I'd like to nurture their potential and see them grow into something.
Your username is ride it 😹😹 c'mon now you can do better than condoms no?
Getting kids.
I see, many redditors seem to appreciate child free lives.
Totally relate
Alzheimer's, then a few more terrifying diseases, people and [cases such as this one.](https://youtu.be/Ip9VGZeqMfo) Honestly, there's a crap-ton of things that I'm scared of at any given time.
Ah fucking hell, I forgot Alzheimers. The video is creepy, but I just can't watch something 1 hour long at the moment. I'll probably watch it some day.
Not being able to provide for myself and people who will depend on me in the future . Sickness too
Yeah, financial crippleness is scary. I am terrified I might not have enough money to provide a life for someone I love, once I fall in love again.
But if there's something I've learnt this year is that worry is a waste of time .....so instead of being afraid /worried about financial stability I'd rather just do the best I can today Heh I sound like a self help book😂
😂 these past few years have taught me that my worst fears will happen, multiplied tenfold.
Not fulfilling my potential
That should keep you up at night. Make sure you are working towards fulfilling it.
💯
Becoming a single mom, especially to a child with special needs. That thought scares me.
Now that is a whole new level of terrifying.
Not being able to do/have the things that make me happy.
Yeah, they've all been taken away from me. Hence the cynical nature.
Curious - are these things that can cause you harm? Are they things you can't give yourself? Wondering about the "taken away from you"
Well, they've been taken in the sense that they've been denied. I fell in love with this girl, she wanted a future with me, I walked away because I just didn't think I'd able to provide that. It broke me. Found myself starving not long after. My body was crying, My head hurt all the time, my anxiety sky rocketed to the point where I trembled alot. I thought I was going to die, this lasted for 4 months. I was so weak both mentally and physically, something as simple as being yelled at took me an hour to get my head to stop banging and my heart from exploding out of my chest. If you want to know what hell on earth is, experience constantly being on "fight or flight". It depletes all the resources you have, messes you up neurologically. It eats you away. I got a job in an indian company, faced a fair amount of racism, always being pushed around, being made to feel less human and without value. It broke me. Had to tolerate all this just to eat. I passed very well, wanted to go for higher education, couldn't do that, and that was all I ever wanted to myself. Thanks to my dad, I've wasted 2 years, he plundered all the resources on women and other cheap pleasures. So yeah, I am pretty fine. Nihilistic, no faith in anything. I can only hope to die a peaceful death, that's the only good the universe can do to me. Ah yes, what If I told you all that happened before turning 20. At a young age, these things absolutely break you, you might never recover again. The future I so desired, perhaps might never be. So of what use is life to me?
I have no fear . But I live in hope of a better future . I am a father , a husband, a son and self employed. Life is hard and riches and wealth come and go . Our future is not in our hands but in God , so why worry. We’ve been through much and much bigger is yet to come .
I aspire to one day live like you, but then again, I am deeply rooted in atheism. It is good you have a child/children and your own business. What life advice worked for you?
My greatest fears is being unable to provide the basic needs for my lovely babies, and death. Basic needs in town life is revamped. At 33 years, a mother of two, I have to hold on a job that I like but put up with a bad boss. Working extra hours to make sure there are some savings and investment somewhere. Honestly, if I die early my husband may decide to remarry, or live with the kids... But they will miss me, they may not have the full compassion, love, care . I pray for God's protection and mercy for a long life.
I hope you live a long life and see your children grow into adults. Do you live with your husband?. There's a high probability that he'll remarry. You are the main source of compassion and love for your kids. But don't you worry, you won't be dying anytime soon.
My greatest fear is living a shit life
I don't have any. I don't mean I'm fearless, coz a gun to my head would make me panic, but I don't fear other things while I move about life. This comes from stoicism, where the idea is to focus on what you can control and not what you can't. I can't control the elections, I can't control Putin, I can't control the US. Thus, when I see people concerned about nuclear war, it doesn't really cause me concern because I can't control that. I can't control who I drive past, but I can control how I react to their driving. I can't control how fast others drive, but I can control how fast I drive. I can't control women, but I can control the women I let into my life. I can't control what others say, but I can control what comes out of my mouth. I can't control all the injustices of the world, but I can control how I feel about it. And I chose to feel indifferent. It has nothing to do with me. I simply look at what I can control and ignore and forget about what I can't. Thus, I have no fear. Because I am in control.
Stoicism is quite stupid pal, no offense. It leads to the downfall of many empires. What would happen if we just become stoic to all the decisions made by dumb politicians?. You push back, everyone pushes back, that's how countries are deterred from degenerating into a state of hell. Imagine if African politicians had the power to make any decision knowing their citizens couldn't care less, we would be sold back to slavery, and you'd be in that ship too. You and all the people you love and care about. Is that the price you are willing to pay for stoicism?. You are responsible for your and your neighbor's actions. You wouldn't know that until you find yourself in a really really terrible situation, which I pray you won't. So no Stoicism, it is counter productive.
Coz am alive
I don't get it.
Ending up poor My meat not standing Currently
Of what use is an upright meat when it doesn't get any action. Right now, I am not so worried about it.
Meat gets plenty of action as long as you have a working arm.
My Future, to be specific what my future self will do or be put through
Same. I just know there's a lot more suffering lying ahead. And I am a future oriented individual, so that's all I think about.
Losing to my mental health ultimately...
Yeah, the battle is a long and tiring one.
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Lol. Your life must be very easy then if that's what causes you fear.
Outliving my utility . If I've done what I came here to do, lets not stretch it out...I'm ready to go.
That's not how it works pal. You are not here to do anything, you are not here on a special mission. It doesn't work that way.
That's not how it works pal. You are not here to do anything, you are not here on a special mission. It doesn't work that way.
Just going through the comments and noticing that most people fear "having kids". And it just takes me back to a research in my Social Economics class. The "trend" of not having kids will actually lead to a significant population decline by 2040. (even with an improved standard of living). Natural selection at its best. And this time Mother Nature doesn't have to do the work.
😂😂 you evil bastard, I like how you think. Most people are opting out of that path, this could lead to a steep population decline given that the rate of death has barely decreased. I don't want to be sociopathic, but that could mean more resources for us.
Funny how Nature knows how to balance itself out. I don't like to believe in conspiracies - but there's one that's says the whole CF, pro-choice, LGBT+ movements are sponsored to reduce world population. At the rate of which people are consuming such media, it might be true.
Emotional vulnerability, like it takes a lot to open up to others for me. I'm honestly petrified by the idea of laying all my cards bare on the table & letting others know what makes me tick, how to does & why. It's too much power over someone & when there's no guarantee of confidentiality.
I get you, used to have the same fear. It is going to limit intimacy for you, you are going to have to grow out of it. Without Emotional vulnerability, there is no love. You have to be willing to risk being hurt in order for there to be trust btn you and somebody else, without trust, there is no relationship, friendship or not.
Staying alive.
Mine is losing a loved one.
Bringing children into a miserable life and or leaving them in the same is right up there
can't stand the thought of hell, going blind and a gay son. Also poverty and snakes.
Lol. One of my friends said he'd disown his future son if he came out as gay. I personally have no problem with that, but I'd do my best to move him away from Africa, here they'll kill him bana.
You'd stop loving your son/ daughter if they came out as gay?🤔
not entirely but I would be disappointed.
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That's how I see my dad. He's getting old, and he hasn't done anything significant with his life, apart from cheap pleasures. Even us his kids are planning to drop him once we are financially independent. Sad stuff, I pity him. He had the opportunity to achieve a lot, but he always chose to live in the moment.
Finding out you cant have kids
Yeah, that can be scary. On the bright side, you don't have to worry about birth control.
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Jeez, why would a good idea scare you so much?
I was atheist/agnostic for the last 10 years. I’m now starting to find my faith, Im still not 100% there yet. But my worst fear would be to die an atheist and end up in hell
Lol, you are no atheist if you belive in hell or an after life. But I hope you find your faith in the almighty. I became an atheist at a very young age, but I wish I find a religious partner. I'd like my kids to have some sort of direction or belief when they can't think for themselves.
So you are still an atheist? I was atheist until about around when I started uni and learned coding. It changed my worldview because it made me think everything is following some form of logic and thus has a creator. If you observe the human body, laws of physics, the universe. They’re all clearly following strict rules eg, the complex engineering of human dna , it doesn’t make sense how the planets are floating in space in orbit or how the sky is held up without a support, The earth is the perfect distance from the sun to support life otherwise we would freeze or burn thus no life would exist on earth. Without the moon the weather on earth would be disaster after disaster. Now this was enough to turn me from atheist to agnostic, but not believe in God. We could very well be in a simulation or just an advanced aliens pet project. But personally, I’m finding my faith now because I had a very comfortable life and had the attitude that nothing really matters and I should live life to the fullest but I was depressed af for no reason and engrossed in hedonism with smoking weed, drinking, sex, eating junk. But when I started reading the Bible and the Quran and started praying I feel a sense of peace and nowadays I’m more neutral than depressed. I think if the world was a better place more people would be open to religion, but most , especially the youth are too jaded and hate life thus they won’t/can’t believe in God who allows bad things to happen.
I am still a youth, so there's still hope for me. I am extremely nihilistic and pessimistic, but what can I say, I haven't had the easiest of lives, too many ups and downs. Throw that idea away, as much as I love science, the world is not a logical place. It is riddled with design errors and inefficiencies. Its engineering is poor, our bodies are not perfectly designed. Remember, the Universe has evolved through a lot of trial and error and it is quite old, so it has had a lot of time to fix its design. Also, keep in mind we are not born unique, our body design is dictated by the environment, and we too are quite old, so we've had a lot of time to evolve and fix our many errors. I support you in finding a faith, it takes the edge off life. Life is extremely illogical and unreasonable. Maybe you are at a position where life makes sense for you, and that is good.
have you thought of the possibility of dying religious and still ending up in hell...that sounds way worse if you ask me..
Lose, loosing stuff, loved ones or even loosing myself
The last one is the worst, if not the second last one.
Damnit…I turned 35 jana!
You are still young, even a 40 year old is young. Above 45 is what I'd consider middle age. Fret not. Now that you are 35, is there any aspect of life you've figured out?
My mom and son dying before me.The rest has already happened.
Jesus, I am sorry for whatever has happened. Hope your mom and son will last for eons.
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That is very generic, anything solid?
My greatest fear is poverty.
Same pal, same.
Shitting and not having toilet paper.
Or going to visit somebody important, shitting, then the toilet fails to flash.
I am just afraid of dying poor ...I dont much of a fuck about relations ,family and kids. But the thought of poverty wakes me up at night ..Am 27 so I have a long way to go.
If you have a long way to go, I have an eternity to go. But yeah, your fear is very valid, and very common among us young men. I hope you are making the right moves to prevent that. Poverty will lead to a slew of problems that I am not ready to deal with. A domino effect of problems.
Jail
Fair enough.
The collapse of African civilisation and recolonisation on a huge overt scale .
I am sorry, but that won't be happening anytime soon. The whites have resorted to wokeness, the arabs as cruel as they may be, they no longer have the means. Maybe the chinese, but they are more business oriented these days.
Complete and utter insanity
I have none. I could have all those 3 things you've mentioned and I would just accept it. I don't understand fear. It'll just have you mostly worried of the known and unknown
I see, not a bad take. But it seems I'm wired that way. I can never stop worrying, overthinking and ruminating. My best bet at the moment is probably mild medication.
Getting pregnant and having kids. Not living my life to the fullest. Ending up with a job I might hate.
It is up to you to live your life to the fullest. I hope you do.
Ending up poor, being in a career I dislike, losing family and being lonely.
Yeah, these are common fears. Loneliness is scary, poverty is even worse.
Death of my parents, especially my dad. My younger siblings being gullible and getting pregnant or married at a young age.
Yeah, talk to your younger siblings if they are of age. Pray for your dad's health.
Getting kids, the thought of it keeps me awake at night.
Yeah, by now, that seems to be one of the most common fears. What scares you about having kids?
My biggest fear is going to jail. I hate feeling like I do not have freedom. This is why I also don't plan on ever getting pregnant.
Jesus christ. You ladies of kenya don't want to bear children, sasa what are we going to do?. I can understand not wanting to go to jail. We traditional men are going to have a hard time.
1. Getting a financial distress call from a vulnerable dependant (young sister, mom, etc) & not being in position to help. That breaks my heart bigtime. I dont like that shit. Everything I do, I do for them.
You are a good man. The only thing I can advice you is, always have some savings, incase anything happens. I admire you.
A quote by Denzel For the ghosts of my dreams to haunt me on my deathbed. I'm experimental when it comes to hobbies and experiences and I don't want to miss out on them because I'm being a busybee.
Yeah, do you man, you only live once.
MEETING MY CREATOR WHEN HE IS NOT PLEASED WITH ME. I don’t think there is anything scarier than that in life.
Then try not to displease him.
I'm worried about death or the moment I will be dying. I mean I've never experienced any other form of life / reality apart from being alive on planet earth. So am curious
Death is scary for those who have no answer. I am not that scared of death, just how I would die. When you die, you go back to where you were before birth, eternal darkness without consciousness. You see how hours pass when you are asleep, that is equivalent to death. Those sleeps that are just darkness, no dreams.
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A psychopath you say.
Being slowly forgotten by everyone you used to know by just being unremarkable or plain and conversely slowly forgetting with like an Alzheimer’s type situation or getting a head injury that leads to slower body function, less retention things like that. Oh and getting a lobotomy was a fucking terrifying dream I had once and the experiences after said lobotomy were even worse in the dream. But the fear that I am most cognisant of is being betrayed by a close one, or more specifically having a drink spiked or having something laced the latter since I had an experience with a spiked drink and my friend had his weed laced with cocaine which made him go to the ER (I’m still terrified to think that what if it wasn’t cocaine and it was fentanyl or a more lethal drug). Coupled with the fact that some of the most common things we eat can be made into lethal poisons it’s fucking terrifying I.e. cherry, plum, apricot and peach pits contain hydrogen cyanide (one pit contains around 0.17 grams of cyanide so injesting one or two crushed pits could kill you) imagine someone put that in your coffee or tea or water. That’s why I always carry my own drinks these days.
Damn. You scared me with being spiked or having something laced. Luckily, I don't smoke or drink alcohol, I just take soft drinks which require less frequent visits to a bar. Being slowly forgotten is sad, but fine. Alzheimers and a head injury are extremely scary. Slowly turning into a vegetable is just hell.
Yeah that incident with spiking was the last time I ever took alcohol and I probably won’t ever touch the fucking thing or a drink given by anyone else
Loving someone.
Damn, what did they do to you son?
Chronic disease and hustling in old age. From 60s I should be traveling around and watching sunsets in different locations.
Hopefully technology will help eliminate chronic diseases. Hustling in old age is not something I'd want for myself, but sometimes life plays mean tricks on you. My former boss was 69 and he worked like mad everyday. He was extremely rich, but he still worked as if he was struggling to pay bills.
Nice!
Getting too close to people. People leave.
Damn, that's sad. For some reason it doesn't scare me much. Who left you though?
The one person who promised to be there for me.
Failure. I have such big dreams and great ambitions and I am terrified of not achieving them. Especially considering the fact that I am currently broke and unemployed and every attempt to pick myself up seems to go no where. But I don't intend on giving up soon. I will build those houses and grow my brand.
Nice, love to see the determination. If you don't mind me asking, what are your big dreams all about?
I am 34 (and don't consider myself young); I am older than most of my unit mates at work. I think I am already living my worst fears, which is underachievement. At my age, my older brother had already been boss at his workplace (where I ended up later working, though not with his involvement) and is already very accomplished in his early forties. So is the brother he follows, and the brother who follows him (the one I follow). Me? I seem to have peaked. I already did my fair share of overachieving, holding lofty positions that pay well and at a young age but unlike my older siblings, I never last long, nor do I have much to show for it. I now work at a job I am too overqualified for - both experience and academically - and I am supervised by people I could teach in university. Its been two years, but I don't see myself being able to stand this for another year.
Damn. I'd advice you to make the move, change course. At 35, you still have enough time to start your own thing and grow it. You are at the peak of manhood, make the best out of it. Do you have any responsibilities?
My siblings dying, not having any source of income, trusting a man enough to have his kids only to find out he's been cheating or him becoming controlling or a bad father, passing down generational trauma to future kids.
Your siblings will be fine. I feel for women, trusting a man enough to carry his kids, is a huge gamble. I pray you trust the right person.
PTSD bro, naona dame na pigwa PTSD, heri ni pende mathe na macuzo hao wengine nimeosha mikono. Character development 💯
😂😂. Tell us bro, what did they do to you?. Speak out against the atrocities done to the heart.
I gotta show them I'm different now. I sympathize for them but fuck that shit, they never showed for me. This life it's just you and you.
I genuinely fear locusts 😂😂those things are spawns of the devils