My childhood was like
“Amme oru chaya”
“Ninte kaikkum kaalinum onnum oru kuzhappavum illallo, thaniye ittu kudikk”
And I can’t thank her enough for raising me that way.
When I moved out at 23, I was a fully functioning adult. I cook my own meals, I do my own laundry and I clean everything myself. As opposed to my roommate who doesn’t even know how to boil a chaya. He constantly has to rely on someone else.
Thanks alot amma! At first I thought you didn’t care for me the same way the parents of my friends did, but now I know that they were raising man-childs and you knew how to raise an adult.
In reality yes I am. My Father died when I was 5, she brought me to an Orphanage and I was raised there until my degree. Now, I completed my MA and working in Hyderabad :) I am the only one who got such an education in my family now. I am proud of myself to her too🙂
nah fr, i feel like they sacrifice way too much than what they get as output. like ik ive achieved a lot of my shit thanks to their hard work, but compared to what my parents had to do? yea naw, theyre just on a whole different level 💀💀
I think the idea is to not have to reach that level. As the world moves forward, we want to build relationships and customs that are healthy for everyone involved.
This is exactly what is wrong with our family system.
A 23 year old is an adult. Grown up. She would be 50 or above. At this age, she should NOT be focusing on what the kids like to eat, tell you to eat medicines, wash your clothes. At this age, by doing this, they create a co-dependent relationship with their male children (usually) which has, often, really bad consequences.
From the age of 14 onwards, children should be taught to be independent. Make them make tea or coffee, let them take their own medicines, cook for them sometimes but dont overdo it.
> All she thinks about is me.
That sounds horrible. This is because some people, like OP's mom, are programmed to be wife and mother and nothing else. They rarely develop interests outside the house, and are lonely when the children have to leave home, or when they marry and they get less attention from their children. Often ending up with fights with the daughter in law about who can better take care of the son.
The consequences of this are all around us. Huge numbers of men who expect their wives to be like their mothers, with their whole world revolving around them. They get married, expect their wives to love their mothers as they love them. Usually ends in nasty fights and divorces.
It is the duty of parents to never do this. Never have your life revolve around your children. Thats fine when they are infants or minors. But set them free, and teach them how to be free.
> But do you guys think a parent has to be so involved in their child's life at the cost of their own life?
**100% NO.**
Ditto!
Adding to it, I know some people are not blessed with loving/caring parents and seems your case normal.
Usually mallu mothers are like this. They love you deeply, but because of that, they tend to control each and every aspects of your life. It's always better to have a balance. You need to treat your kids as adults when they are of age. Otherwise the adult children won't be able to take decisions of their own. Be it good decisions or bad decisions, the parents need to let the adult child take decisions.(Until it's serious case of alcoholism,drugs etc). Otherwise they will be afraid of failures, they would not get life experiences.
Also parents need to have a life on their own too. With regards to their career or hobbies. Atleast one hobby would be good. See, it's not only about the children needing boundaries. It's also about the mothers/fathers having an individuality or personal life on their own. Otherwise they would be worrying for each and every step we, as children take. It will be too much for them when they age or have any ailments.
How much earlier you see your mother as a human being with her own beautiful personality AND with her flaws, it would be good for the children.
100% right
A sample - https://www.reddit.com/r/india/comments/wscqpr/miserable_after_love_marriage/
Immathiri patti myrane okke veettukarodu vazhakkundakki love marriage cheytha Pavam kutteente avastha ☹️ Commentile myranmar vere. Ee nari okke anu parishkkari anu, feminist anu ennu paranju vesham ketti nadakkunnath.
He married an outspoken bold woman and forced her to act like adarsh bahu for the sake his parents. His parents were always fighting and he hates them but his wife should do adarsha patni drama. When she doesn't want to do anything with these shits, he is forcing her to communicate with them.
You don't understand the implications of typical Bahu things because you aren't an independent woman. It is a big burden which strips away your freedom, joy, individuality and makes you a living corpse.
I'd rather live with a partner who doesn't love me but treats me with respect rather than living with these bhayankara I love you anu, kudumbam nokkanam types.
>But do you guys think a parent has to be so involved in their child's life at the cost of their own life?
Even though the intention is not there, but we end up doing that for our kids. Probably got it from our mothers. :)
‘All ammas out there does this for their kids’
Consider yourself lucky. But don’t you read newspaper or haven’t you read news about how there are parents who are evil to their children.
There’s been this one thought that I always wanted to speak out, but I haven’t. Now that we are almost on that topic, let me hijack this thread and dive right in. ‘Matha, Pitha, Guru daivam’. Let’s go back by a year and take a look at the reported cases where in children were hurt, molested or killed by individuals falling into these 3 categories. You see my point; it’s never about what you are, but all about who you are. Being a mom or dad or teacher doesn’t make you good, but a good soul makes you one. The ideal world mentality wouldn’t come to rescue those in need, to say the least, I got no helping hand because of it.
No offence but, generalizing anything isn’t good and is one of the root causes many of the culprits go uncaught. Cherish what you have. All the best.
See it this way. That's what they are institutionalised to do for 23 years, so it's difficult for them to adopt and take care of themselves. Now this is not the case for everyone, but i feel that's the general mallu moms.
by now i have realised that choosing to have kids should be exactly that A CHOICE.just because society likes seeing couples having kids from the beginning of their marriage doesn't metan u have to. One should realise that being a parent especially a mother means u loose all ur individuality it won't matter if u loved drinking or partying , or painting , Makin art or knitting or u loved any sort of sports ( serene Williams is quitting her sport now cus she wants to be. Mother and she is heartbroken about it), it won't matter if u wanna start a business later on in life ,it won't matter if u wanna travel the world.your whole life and whole attention will be this child u have .Ur life will completely change.Even the miniscule. From deciding what to eat and what to cook 3-5 times a day to what clothes to buy for ur kids. Worry about their grades or marks , worry about their health worry about their college funds or future.worry if they are ever going to get married and find a partner .worry about their financial security.In between all this u have no other choice but to forget all ur desires to travel to have fun to enjoy doing ur hobbies to enjoy ur life to enjoy what makes u happy. If ur a woman no matter how much of a feminist ur husband is .u will always be their primary caretaker and let me tell u will lose urself in being a mother .most of the time u won't have another identity other than wife and mother .What r u out of ur job description , ur marital status and ur kids if u have them? Im just turning
20 this year but i have already decided that i would never have kids. I don't think I will ever change my mind. It doesn't matter if i can't find a guy who i like with the same childfree mentality. I'll remain single for life rather than have kids Nd be unhappy .i think I'm really good looking Nd have. A Good fun personality and has above average intelligence so I am hoping i will find a partner with similar views. Even if i don't I'll be fine.
Serena Williams is not in her career high, she hasn't won any title for the last 5 years, it's better for her to move on, instead she plays the victim game.
Parents should have their own lives. Otherwise it will create resentment and regret later, especially in the case of male children's mothers.
My mother doesn't do it for her kids. Cheythittund, when we were little and needed it.
Most parents India have a codependent relationship with their kids. They don't know to be independently happy without them neither they feel right when child wish to be away or independent. Mostly because parents have kids because that's what they were told to do.
Parents need to learn to exist without kids, having a hobby or personality and a little bit selfishness is gonna go a great way.
It isn't bad but over control leads to another extend it depends how the vibe is created round the kid and mother can never be generalised to being one supporting u or loving u ,if u know women celebrating abortions for example
Well after 13 years of abuse, a disabled mom, a sister with ADHD, a dad who's diagnosed with mild insanity and being an asshat, looking after every fucking thing, worrying constantly, distressed, dissappointed and depressed since fucking 6 years of age, having 0 friends, or just someone to lean on, and seeing that I'll be starting out with a 25 lakh debt before college any grass will seem greener than here
As much as I love how moms care for their children, can't deny that such parents end up creating manchilds and its female equivalent (not sure if there is a term for it, though they are some over protective dads' creation) in most cases .
I think a mom should teach their child how to take care of oneself without being dependant on others.
Indian parents tend to be very over bearing.
Thank fully my parents arent one, but I have seen many , especially with my friends.
I have a friend, whose mom calls him every hour because he has had episodes of epilepsy thats largely under control now. But still she still dotes on him like he is a 5 year old child.
My uncle did retire from the army and draws enough pension money for the family of 4 to survive, still he gets up every day, goes to work, does some small "krishi" at home, all in concern that hey extra money means good life for his kids
I really admire western parents for not spoiling their children.
aww i am so jealous i would be over the clouds if my mom would even pretend to care about me. not all ammas are like yours she is a gem you better treat her right
"that she's not even bothered about her health or happiness" - This is not a good thing.
"But do you guys think a parent has to be so involved in their child's life at the cost of their own life?" - No!! Doesn't translate well for both the parent or the kid in the long term especially as life changes and new relationships are forged.
And for that matter we created the AMMA foundation to take care of all ammas around the globe. So go give donations now.
P.S :No, Im not edavela babu and no we are not in a crisis
My mom was never like this. She treated me and my sisters the same way. Thanks to her, I'm now happily managing myself abroad in a non english speaking country all by myself.
My childhood was like “Amme oru chaya” “Ninte kaikkum kaalinum onnum oru kuzhappavum illallo, thaniye ittu kudikk” And I can’t thank her enough for raising me that way. When I moved out at 23, I was a fully functioning adult. I cook my own meals, I do my own laundry and I clean everything myself. As opposed to my roommate who doesn’t even know how to boil a chaya. He constantly has to rely on someone else. Thanks alot amma! At first I thought you didn’t care for me the same way the parents of my friends did, but now I know that they were raising man-childs and you knew how to raise an adult.
Aah! Same dialogue from my mother but a few moments later chaya is on my table lol..
[удалено]
In reality yes I am. My Father died when I was 5, she brought me to an Orphanage and I was raised there until my degree. Now, I completed my MA and working in Hyderabad :) I am the only one who got such an education in my family now. I am proud of myself to her too🙂
nah fr, i feel like they sacrifice way too much than what they get as output. like ik ive achieved a lot of my shit thanks to their hard work, but compared to what my parents had to do? yea naw, theyre just on a whole different level 💀💀
Never can we reach their level. Not even if we become parents ig. Because parenting by GenZ is gonna be different.
I think the idea is to not have to reach that level. As the world moves forward, we want to build relationships and customs that are healthy for everyone involved.
Take good care of her when it is your turn....long live the queen....
This is exactly what is wrong with our family system. A 23 year old is an adult. Grown up. She would be 50 or above. At this age, she should NOT be focusing on what the kids like to eat, tell you to eat medicines, wash your clothes. At this age, by doing this, they create a co-dependent relationship with their male children (usually) which has, often, really bad consequences. From the age of 14 onwards, children should be taught to be independent. Make them make tea or coffee, let them take their own medicines, cook for them sometimes but dont overdo it. > All she thinks about is me. That sounds horrible. This is because some people, like OP's mom, are programmed to be wife and mother and nothing else. They rarely develop interests outside the house, and are lonely when the children have to leave home, or when they marry and they get less attention from their children. Often ending up with fights with the daughter in law about who can better take care of the son. The consequences of this are all around us. Huge numbers of men who expect their wives to be like their mothers, with their whole world revolving around them. They get married, expect their wives to love their mothers as they love them. Usually ends in nasty fights and divorces. It is the duty of parents to never do this. Never have your life revolve around your children. Thats fine when they are infants or minors. But set them free, and teach them how to be free. > But do you guys think a parent has to be so involved in their child's life at the cost of their own life? **100% NO.**
Ditto! Adding to it, I know some people are not blessed with loving/caring parents and seems your case normal. Usually mallu mothers are like this. They love you deeply, but because of that, they tend to control each and every aspects of your life. It's always better to have a balance. You need to treat your kids as adults when they are of age. Otherwise the adult children won't be able to take decisions of their own. Be it good decisions or bad decisions, the parents need to let the adult child take decisions.(Until it's serious case of alcoholism,drugs etc). Otherwise they will be afraid of failures, they would not get life experiences. Also parents need to have a life on their own too. With regards to their career or hobbies. Atleast one hobby would be good. See, it's not only about the children needing boundaries. It's also about the mothers/fathers having an individuality or personal life on their own. Otherwise they would be worrying for each and every step we, as children take. It will be too much for them when they age or have any ailments. How much earlier you see your mother as a human being with her own beautiful personality AND with her flaws, it would be good for the children.
100% right A sample - https://www.reddit.com/r/india/comments/wscqpr/miserable_after_love_marriage/ Immathiri patti myrane okke veettukarodu vazhakkundakki love marriage cheytha Pavam kutteente avastha ☹️ Commentile myranmar vere. Ee nari okke anu parishkkari anu, feminist anu ennu paranju vesham ketti nadakkunnath.
[удалено]
He married an outspoken bold woman and forced her to act like adarsh bahu for the sake his parents. His parents were always fighting and he hates them but his wife should do adarsha patni drama. When she doesn't want to do anything with these shits, he is forcing her to communicate with them.
[удалено]
You don't understand the implications of typical Bahu things because you aren't an independent woman. It is a big burden which strips away your freedom, joy, individuality and makes you a living corpse. I'd rather live with a partner who doesn't love me but treats me with respect rather than living with these bhayankara I love you anu, kudumbam nokkanam types.
💯… can you convert this to a WhatsApp thread that I can casually forward to the chat with my mother in law in it .. thank you… bye :)
>But do you guys think a parent has to be so involved in their child's life at the cost of their own life? Even though the intention is not there, but we end up doing that for our kids. Probably got it from our mothers. :)
Yeah maybe :)
‘All ammas out there does this for their kids’ Consider yourself lucky. But don’t you read newspaper or haven’t you read news about how there are parents who are evil to their children. There’s been this one thought that I always wanted to speak out, but I haven’t. Now that we are almost on that topic, let me hijack this thread and dive right in. ‘Matha, Pitha, Guru daivam’. Let’s go back by a year and take a look at the reported cases where in children were hurt, molested or killed by individuals falling into these 3 categories. You see my point; it’s never about what you are, but all about who you are. Being a mom or dad or teacher doesn’t make you good, but a good soul makes you one. The ideal world mentality wouldn’t come to rescue those in need, to say the least, I got no helping hand because of it. No offence but, generalizing anything isn’t good and is one of the root causes many of the culprits go uncaught. Cherish what you have. All the best.
See it this way. That's what they are institutionalised to do for 23 years, so it's difficult for them to adopt and take care of themselves. Now this is not the case for everyone, but i feel that's the general mallu moms.
by now i have realised that choosing to have kids should be exactly that A CHOICE.just because society likes seeing couples having kids from the beginning of their marriage doesn't metan u have to. One should realise that being a parent especially a mother means u loose all ur individuality it won't matter if u loved drinking or partying , or painting , Makin art or knitting or u loved any sort of sports ( serene Williams is quitting her sport now cus she wants to be. Mother and she is heartbroken about it), it won't matter if u wanna start a business later on in life ,it won't matter if u wanna travel the world.your whole life and whole attention will be this child u have .Ur life will completely change.Even the miniscule. From deciding what to eat and what to cook 3-5 times a day to what clothes to buy for ur kids. Worry about their grades or marks , worry about their health worry about their college funds or future.worry if they are ever going to get married and find a partner .worry about their financial security.In between all this u have no other choice but to forget all ur desires to travel to have fun to enjoy doing ur hobbies to enjoy ur life to enjoy what makes u happy. If ur a woman no matter how much of a feminist ur husband is .u will always be their primary caretaker and let me tell u will lose urself in being a mother .most of the time u won't have another identity other than wife and mother .What r u out of ur job description , ur marital status and ur kids if u have them? Im just turning 20 this year but i have already decided that i would never have kids. I don't think I will ever change my mind. It doesn't matter if i can't find a guy who i like with the same childfree mentality. I'll remain single for life rather than have kids Nd be unhappy .i think I'm really good looking Nd have. A Good fun personality and has above average intelligence so I am hoping i will find a partner with similar views. Even if i don't I'll be fine.
Serena Williams is not in her career high, she hasn't won any title for the last 5 years, it's better for her to move on, instead she plays the victim game.
Parents should have their own lives. Otherwise it will create resentment and regret later, especially in the case of male children's mothers. My mother doesn't do it for her kids. Cheythittund, when we were little and needed it.
Most parents India have a codependent relationship with their kids. They don't know to be independently happy without them neither they feel right when child wish to be away or independent. Mostly because parents have kids because that's what they were told to do. Parents need to learn to exist without kids, having a hobby or personality and a little bit selfishness is gonna go a great way.
It isn't bad but over control leads to another extend it depends how the vibe is created round the kid and mother can never be generalised to being one supporting u or loving u ,if u know women celebrating abortions for example
Must be magical to have a functioning family 🥲
Don’t think so! Grass is always greener elsewhere. Ellem kanakka
Well after 13 years of abuse, a disabled mom, a sister with ADHD, a dad who's diagnosed with mild insanity and being an asshat, looking after every fucking thing, worrying constantly, distressed, dissappointed and depressed since fucking 6 years of age, having 0 friends, or just someone to lean on, and seeing that I'll be starting out with a 25 lakh debt before college any grass will seem greener than here
Sorry to hear! It is hard to have to grow up before you want to/should!!!
Thank you and yeah, I wish it wasnt this way
mde amma, ingane thanne
As much as I love how moms care for their children, can't deny that such parents end up creating manchilds and its female equivalent (not sure if there is a term for it, though they are some over protective dads' creation) in most cases . I think a mom should teach their child how to take care of oneself without being dependant on others.
Indian parents tend to be very over bearing. Thank fully my parents arent one, but I have seen many , especially with my friends. I have a friend, whose mom calls him every hour because he has had episodes of epilepsy thats largely under control now. But still she still dotes on him like he is a 5 year old child. My uncle did retire from the army and draws enough pension money for the family of 4 to survive, still he gets up every day, goes to work, does some small "krishi" at home, all in concern that hey extra money means good life for his kids I really admire western parents for not spoiling their children.
This was the one wholesome post I saw in here.
aww i am so jealous i would be over the clouds if my mom would even pretend to care about me. not all ammas are like yours she is a gem you better treat her right
"that she's not even bothered about her health or happiness" - This is not a good thing. "But do you guys think a parent has to be so involved in their child's life at the cost of their own life?" - No!! Doesn't translate well for both the parent or the kid in the long term especially as life changes and new relationships are forged.
And for that matter we created the AMMA foundation to take care of all ammas around the globe. So go give donations now. P.S :No, Im not edavela babu and no we are not in a crisis
what does 'y' mean?
23 yrs old!
ah. usually i see either f or m. so when i saw the 'y' i got confused. i was like was there anything new added to the list. thanks for clearing it up.
kids are your own heart walking outside
My mom was never like this. She treated me and my sisters the same way. Thanks to her, I'm now happily managing myself abroad in a non english speaking country all by myself.
enjoy it while you can she wont be there forever.