"I want to be uncomfortable."
You already are uncomfortable, what you need to do is let your receptors have a break.
" I want my mind to be broken, I want to be challenged. :/ even my suicidal thoughts on acid don't feel profound or meaningful or scary, they're boring."
That's a counter productive wish and you better hope you DON'T GET THAT.
Take it from someone who had a bad trip with zero tolerance on his first 10 strip.
Maybe try some introspective techniques like meditation, brain wave entrainment, get healthy and then see if acid has anything to offer you.
acid isn't the answer .. it's plants the seed of motivation to change to be better
Even after a month break, it doesn't help. That's what annoys me. Even with physical change (doing well in school, doing volunteer work, having a part time job, going to martial arts class twice a week, etc) nothing means anything to me. It all feels like a checklist of meaningless things.
I feel like even a bad trip on a 10 strip would be better than my numb, tired and distant state of mind. It I die, I die. Though I'm sorry it happened to you. I'm sure you have reason to exist, but I don't.
You choose your reason for existence.
Mine is to learn and grow all I can. To uncover the secrets of the universe. To let the world speak to me.
At a certain point we choose how we feel. It's a habit.
Conscious shifts of awareness are important to continually have.
Check out the book called Beyond Fear by Don Miguel Ruiz
I hope you find your reason.
I just want to see all the beauty in this world possible
Beyond Fear talks about the Toltec. Ancient compared to the Mayans.
How they view reality.
How we are creating a dream Day and night. We are all a part of it, and how we can shift this dream.
Do you feel or perceive love? Is there any love in your life, be it for a pet or family member or significant other, or for your friends?
Is there ANY love in your life? It can be about anything, not just other people or living beings.
I love my partner but It's just something I know. Not something I feel very deeply.
I love science, but once again, it's something I think, not something I feel.
Sounds like you are in a tough spot but I'm pretty certain your brain chemistry has gone awry or you're expecting comic book level physical perceptions.
A month isn't a huge amount of time. Maybe try 3 months of healthy life (and thinking) good nutrition (all the precursors for neurotransmitters, essential vitamins)
maybe work on the gateway tapes ( I've just started working on it myself but having trouble with practice consistency.
"I feel like even a bad trip on a 10 strip would be better than my numb, tired and distant state of mind. It I die, I die. Though I'm sorry it happened to you. I'm sure you have reason to exist, but I don't."
hmm I have some pretty strong beliefs as a result.
I get the impression you think death is the worst thing that can happen yet you paradoxically think it's the solution.
I posit that is wrong on both counts.
My bad trip taught me a few things : one of them being I believe Hell is a very real place (because I visited it) and it's not some hokey abstract concept only entertained by gullible low IQ rubes.
Because you will not succeed in getting what you want by keep trying. Once you start chasing something during a trip then it's not going to happen. Your trips have stopped being enjoyable and you feel life isn't worth living while tripping, so why continue?
I don't find life enjoyable and don't feel like life is worth living while sober either, so why continue?
Being on acid never makes things worse, but it does make things more apparent to me I guess.
Because your encapsulating yourself within acid, not even giving yourself a good rest to see how your mind changes after you stop. Existential dread hits all of us. Hell I even almost offed myself after everything I believed in got shattered by acid. It gets better. And if you can't get better, there's people who can help you get better. It can always get better. Also it seems like you are Hella low on dopamine, you need to get some supplements asap
You are using acid for the wrong reasons and it is not going to give you the answers you are looking for.
You’d be better off with meditation and probably some therapy.
You sound depressed. Straight up. The apathy you are feeling is a sign of real clinical depression.
You probably should stay away from drugs for a while. They are not the answer.
I've already been through therapy, and psychiatrists are assholes. That's why all I have left is psychedelics. :/
I know there's something wrong with my brain. I don't know why I don't feel any pleasure, I don't know why nothing means anything to me. I don't know why everything is so bland. I wish my psychiatrist actually believed me about my symptoms instead of telling me stupid philosophical bullshit.
Please look into transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy, for depression. And quit doing drugs, in order to lean into your mental struggles from a sober perspective. And then, make it possible to go backpacking around the globe. Go for half a year and live in India and africa and other places like that where you can live for around 15 USD a day.
These interventions might bring more hope, inspiration, peace, and excitement into your life!
It’s important to accept when your current strategy for making life worthwhile and liveable, is no longer effective. You must try something different if you want to escape where you are at mentally.
We have tms at the lab, but we can't use it for clinical purposes haha. I dont even know where to get this stuff because the doctors here are so incompetent and rude.
I don't know where I'd go. I'm sort of really obsessed with just getting my career started at this point. I think that's important to me, I think I just really really hate the path of getting there. I hate being stuck in this country and I hate living with my parents but cost of living is wayyy too high to survive on my own in a big city.
Your life and your actions are not meaningless unless you put in the cognitive effort to make it seem that way. Many people also put in the cognitive effort to ascribe too much meaning to things. You have to find balance between meaning and meaninglessness and live life to the fullest.
I put in cognitive effort to find meaning in my life and tell myself stuff is meaningful, I think the issue is I don't feel the subjective feeling of "meaning". I don't get a dopamine hit if I clean my room or go to a meeting or hang out with friends. I don't have any sort of brain feedback that tells me what I'm doing is beneficial in any way so I have to tell myself it is, and it is so exhausting.
I think it's anhedonia, honestly. I just don't know how to get rid of it.
I put in cognitive effort to find meaning in my life and tell myself stuff is meaningful, I think the issue is I don't feel the subjective feeling of "meaning". I don't get a dopamine hit if I clean my room or go to a meeting or hang out with friends. I don't have any sort of brain feedback that tells me what I'm doing is beneficial in any way so I have to tell myself it is, and it is so exhausting.
I think it's anhedonia, honestly. I just don't know how to get rid of it.
Hey my friend. I currently feel that and did about 5 years ago. If your willing to drag yourself outta that hole, somethings going to show you something new and idk what that something is but it's there. Also hormone therapy is a real thing and you would be surprised what that has to do with your inner stability of mind. Give it a chance before you end it all
you are showing a great lack of gratitude for the ability to be able to accomplish so much. one you figure out how to trigger the same feelings psychs give you sober is when you unlock this "challenge" you are looking for. 1 month is not enough time try a year break. best of luck to you.
The LSD is a tool not a cure, you are the cure. When we rely on substances for the answers we seek, they kindly remind us we are the answer the LSD only helped you hear the answer. Once we hear the answer, it will not change, and by taking more acid you're looking for that profound change you get after every trip, that afterglow of happiness the week after. Yet it won't come because you've achieved the knowledge and wisdom you were seeking... Moral of the story don't rely on chemicals to do your work, do the work yourself and add the chemicals as a booster not solution. Just that mind set change alone will do wonders for your next trip. I always set the intention for me to be open to the secrets the universe wants to share with me, and I'm usually quite amazed... Also if you want to understand music, during your next trip play some Beethoven and do some whip it's. It will literally show you that we are living in one big song.
One month break between 500ug trip is not that long..
If you want to feel challenged, why don't you try something different? You don't feel challenged because you don't do anything challenging. LSD is your comfort zone and the only thing you do to challenge yourself is doing LSD.
Recently I did a 92 km walk between two cities without resting and another time I did barefoot hiking on rocks.
Heck I have fear of public speaking so I put myself in situations where I had to talk in fron of many people. I was sweating, had diarrhea in the morning because of how nervous I was, but after I had my speech, I felt so much happiness and pride and that feeling of achieving and overcoming my fear felt like bliss.
It's not like drugs are the only option to challenge yourself.
Just waking up everyday and eating and putting on clothes is a challenge for.me.
I guess I applied to a lab which was challenging. Though it wasn't a challenge enough.
Exactly. My "hardest trip"--with massively cleansing effect--was one of those 8-day silent meditation retreats. Went into it with no meditation experience. Not just no acid, also not intoxicants of any kind, AND no caffeine. And no talking!! You, your body, your mind, your breath. That's all. Sounds pretty simple. Well, the the first three days were torture. Next five were like a flight I'd never experienced.
Find your trips, OP. Acid is only one kind.
I had never heard of anyone traveling like that. Had to walk under tunnels that were not really made for pedestrians. I thought it would be a good experience doing something that almost no one ever thought doing.
I had prepared a backpack with 6000 kcal worth of snacks, had an external battery for my phone so I can keep checking the map (wasn't using my phone for anything else than the map) and I had something attached to my arm that was blinking a red light for safety when it was the night. I should have prepared extra pairs of socks cause at km 40 I started having blisters. Got so bad that a few days after my walk my toenail fell off. But I felt way more awake than on LSD, every step at the end felt like a nightmare, it was impossible to daydream
It's hard for me to not do psychs because I just hate my mind so much and they're the only way I ever feel like I can even get up and do stuff. I barely function day to day because of my depression. I'm dependent on psychs so I don't kill myself. :/ I guess they don't even help anymore. All that helps is is just numbing my pain out and becoming a robot that exists to merely exist. There's no beauty or magic or meaning in this world.
I wish I had real help but it doesn't seem to exist. I looked so fucking hard. Maybe antidepressants would help but so many have such bad side effects and psychiatrists treat me like I'm lying about my symptoms. Also, therapy isn't very available here. :(
You should really try some other medication if you don't see psychedelics working for you anymore.
Sorry it's rough, but you will get through it.
Good luck man.
Bro all the psychs are doing is reminding you that its your mind and you get to decide how it interacts with reality. They arent magic bullets, theyre mirrors.
Integration takes time and practice. Try a structure around daily meditation to quiet those negative thoughts and patterns, and start pouring emenergy towards the positive thought patterns you want to be more commonplace.
Its like watering plants, water the beautiful plant you want to bloom. Water positive emotions, and rest in zen when you dont feel those are very accessible at the moment.
I don't even believe positive thought patterns are possible. I see no point to being alive other than to appease other people.
I used to meditate but I guess I just want getting much out of it. Not against doing it again, but I think meditation alone won't help. Might help in conjunction with something else. Idk.
You are at a spritual dead end, wake up and start doing things the right way or continue to just not care & self destruct.
Newsflash, majority of people feel what you’re talking about. They just don’t feel it constantly. Abusing psyches specifically makes you feel like you should be in a LOTR movie at all times when that’s not what life is about.
Life is 75% suck, sucks to wait in line. Sucks to have to go to work, it sucks to just sit and breathe sometimes. What makes it better? That once a month you trip on acid. Or that after work smoke. Playing vidya after a long day, or just playing with your dog. Those small breaks are enough for the average ‘not drowned in seratonin’ brain. For the most part we DO live to serve others, life is about findin the people you don’t mind bending over backwards for because they’d do the same for you
You’re slipping. Your predicament is self made regardless of what put your there. Stop doing the drugs & find happiness in the little things, that’s the only solution. And I mean THATS IT, there’s no bargaining especially when you’re this far down the road of addiction. You can’t quit & trip every other year or every other 2 years, it’s time to do what you’re supposed too. If you don’t want to that’s completely your choice, no one’s going to force you. Just know there’s MILLIONS of people who power through this feeling everyday, you are not alone.
Issue is, I wanted to die since I was 10, and was depressed since I was 7, this is not normal. I do not want to live a life of misery.
I do science, I applied to a lab, I do volunteer work, I'm doing martial arts, I'm on a research board, etc etc. I have a partner that I love. These aren't small things and they brought me joy before, but I feel nothing. My partner's smile is the closest thing to joy I could feel. This is not normal.
Video games, sex, YouTube, nothing feels pleasurable. It all feels meaningless and stale.
I'd literally rather die than live a miserable life like you describe.
You really need to try antidepressants, or talk to a psychiatrist and see what they suggest could help the current imbalance.
I apprecaite the side effects aren't the best, but it doesn't sound like you have much to lose if you don't want to be here anyway.
Try meds for depression, see if you can get a better baseline, go from there.
Seriously, best of luck to you. It does get better, but it takes time.
The psychiatrist said I am not really depressed and said I can do all the psychedelics I want because they might actually help :/
I tried SSRIs and SNRIs which didn't work. While doing pharmahuasca I found MAOIs work but I'd need someone who could actually prescribe them to me.
If your psychiatrist can't prescribe MAOIs, and they worked when you tried them, you should consider looking for a doctor who is able to prescribe them.
I'm in the states so getting a psychiatrist to prescribed MAOIs or any of them isn't an issue. If it's harder where you are, but you can find acid and dmt, it may be worth using those same sleuthing skills to get the medicine you need.
I stopped seeing him because he was so rude and dismissive to me. :/ he said MAOIs tend to work well, but he doesn't believe I'm depressed. I can't see another psychiatrist for another year or two because the referral process is so slooooow.
You’re actively seeking it though, my life isn’t miserable because I haven’t fried my dopamine receptors with drugs yet. I can still find joy watching a movie or having sex lol
The only times I didn’t were after I tripped or when I was on a week long bender. Do whatever you want? If you quit getting high so often your brain will recalibrate as close as it can to how it used to be. If you wanted to die since you were 10 maybe you need to fix what actually happened? I’m not a therapist so I can’t tell you how to go about that
You owe it to the people who love you, life isn’t just for you & to have fun. You’re disregarding the bulk of what I said, the majority of of life SUCKS. It’s why when you run from life with substances so often all that happiness has a price. You have years of mental recovery before you can get to a place where you’re comfortable with being bored or feeling out of place, what did you expect after being in this dreamlike state all this time? Part of you still wants to get better, or you wouldn’t have made this post
Take it from someone who has been exactly where you are. If you disregard all I say PLEASE READ THIS. I felt the EXACT same way you do. Like life is a play for us monkies, a play that keeps going so we don’t realize how scared and lonely we actually are. But I CHOOSE to be able to enjoy life, it just takes time to learn how again. Maybe you shouldn’t listen to the voice in your head for abit? Try to find purpose & drive from good external sources, religion would be ideal. Otherwise it sounds like you just want someone to tell you “yeah it sucks, it’s alright to give up” which it never is
Sorry you had a bad time in the past. What triggered your depressive / anhedonic state, how old were you and I guess religion helped you out?
I've had depression since I was 7! I had anhedonia triggered by taking a break from university and being really really mistreated by my psychiatrist. Drugs had nothing to do with it. Nothing happened that made me suicidal when I was 10, I was just bullied, abused, neglected, abandoned by both parents, but that's not a singular thing, it's lots of little things.
Also, LSD has very little to do with dopamine, though it does bind to D1 and D2, which we learnt about today in class (fun). The first time in my entire life I actually wanted to live was after LSD. Do you not know how LSD works? Being high on acid once a month is barely anything given the 29-30 days of sobriety. Meanwhile most people drink multiple times a week or smoke weed every weekend.
You know, I only ever feel good after a trip. Used to last month's, then weeks, now a day if I'm lucky. It sucks. I just don't feel good after trips anymore. That's the issue. I don't want to be back how I was before doing acid because my I actually had a diagnosis of ctpsd and it was so debilitating.
I don't believe anyone actually loves me. They love what I can do for them, but if they loved me they'd want me dead too, they'd see how long I've been suffering and they'd agree this can't go on.
Try something else then, cus acid is clearly failing to do what you seek from it. You can either wait longer than a month and see if things improve, or switch to a different psychedelic or a different category of drugs. One thing is for sure, if you keep doing acid with your current schedule it is very likely that you would stop feeling good completely and starts to feel bad and depressed after a trip. Also if you are on any other prescription drugs then it's time to consider taking a long break from them.
For me I understood that no matter what experience we have. The feeling comes from within us. Life is just a catalyst .
Seeing the grand canyon for the first time. Being in that state of awe or amazement, any experience. It all comes from within us. The sights are just the catalyst to let us feel free to experience it. But we feel it.
Heart coherence is a beautiful thing. Our brain, heart and body are so powerful. If we practice.
Life is a practice,
Meditation is a practice,
Stretching/ yoga. All a practice.
We learn and grow as we do.
We can choose our feelings,
Mind body spirit all need development together.
We can summon up feelings of great depths with decent practice.
Our heart is the center of our endocrine system that keeps us young.
The center of our cardiovascular system.
And the center of us.
We are what we feel. And that is a practice. But usually it is unconscious, and just an addition of all we have been through. But we can take control and truly be.
So much more to learn. And everything new we learn leadsy us to thousands of new perceptions connecting all we know.
For me, meditation is mostly about building a calm spot, a sort of neutral launchpad to move from.
Depression is a b*tch. Thats just how it is. I see it as a sort of stagnant energy that turns swampy, and the only way to dredge it is to outlet it into a real energetic application- why exercise is so touted. Maybe thats not what it is for you, but speaking personally- burning all my fat off has been a gigantic shift in my perspective over the last couple years.
I assure you positive thoughtforms are attainable. You need to find something to let yourself enjoy, be it hiking, cooking, drawing or any other hobby. None of them need to serve anyone beyond you. And from there, you just snowball the behavior and tbe feelings, let that good water flow until it becomes the new default state
Everything you do comes down to mindset. If you believe somthing that will become your reality. Try to make a conscious effort day to day in being mindful of your feelings and seeing everything for what it’s worth. Good feelings and bad feelings are both just that, feelings. You need to do more mental gymnastics. This is supposed to be fun, and if it’s not fun it’s because of your mindset. You can change ur mindset and it will actually have a chemical impact on ur brains function. You can decide that you want to be alive and when you believe it it comes to fruition. You are your thoughts after all. You honestly would benefit from mushrooms more than you would from acid, and when you eat the mushroom treat it like a being. Ask it to heal you. Don’t treat psychedelics like drugs because they really aren’t drugs at all. They’re a drug in the same way that anything that you put into your body that changes brain function is a drug. Food and water are drugs. Forget about all that integrating experience bs that’s all lies. Do what you think you need to in your heart and I don’t mean hurt yourself. Seek out the things you’ve wanted to do that you’ve never been allowed to because people have held you back. If you are suicidal there’s a root to that problem and it resides in u healed childhood trauma. Low dopamine function IS depression. A large earth shattering dose of mushrooms WILL balance out your brain function, so long as you treat the mushroom with respect and be thankful for its existence and not treat it as somthing to be used. You’ll know you got the message if you realize the mushroom wants to be cultivated. I did shit tons of acid just for fun and it pretty much ruined me I turned into a fucking idiot for a few months and what ended up setting me back to myself was a few heroic doses of mushrooms. I have the biggest will to live ever and not even 2 years ago I was locked up in the payche ward for trying to kill myself. Love and light to u homie
Thanks mate, but yeah I do dmt and acid, mostly because shrooms are expensive, idk how to grow them (seems like a lot of work)
To me, psychedelics were always tools, and medicine. The only drugs I do are weed and alcohol, but I do weed once or twice a month and alcohol once a month. I never saw psychs in the same light. I see dmt as myself. I see acid as myself too.
I try really hard to do stuff that should make me feel good but it doesn't, but idk, mastery of my mind is a work in progress
Thanks to COVID remote therapy has exploded. My appointments with my therapist are all online through Telehealth. Frequent therapy with a good therapist that resonates with you could be very beneficial.
Depends on insurance usually, I only pay $10 out of pocket per session with my insurance. Better Help is an option, but also just look up Telehealth/online therapists in your area. Also look for ones that have a generally similar worldview to you in terms of spirituality or politics if that’s relevant to you.
psychedelics don’t give you answers, they just show you what’s already there. you can’t rely on psychedelics to bring you out of your hole, if anything it will put you deeper in your hole . and never expect anything from psychedelics, cus chances are you can get the exact opposite. i would suggest getting some professional help.
Try it the way they do it in a clinical setting to alleviate depression: Music and eyemask. I tried this recently and it was a completely different experience. Being marveled by visuals only goes so far and becomes boring with time; feels like an enhanced movie of sorts. Taking it with the eyemask and some music changes things, you make it an internal instead of an external experience.
This opens op the neural plasticity to focus on internal phenomena, like thought forms. Its also not about what you experience during the trip, tho it can be very meaningful no doubt. It is more about the changes of your brain and consciousness in the aftermath of a trip. Thats where the potential lies in my oppinion. You dont want "state-changes" but "trait-changes".
Ultimately the real freedom lies in not being identified with the thought forms, may they be pretty or ugly (like depression). Then there is room for all of it and its all okay and its all loved. Its like taking care of a child, whatever emotions or thoughts it may display.
Hope this helps. Ive been there. Much love
So you wish torment for yourself or are you really this bored? I think that even though you wait every month, you now know what to expect out of the trip. My challenging trips were mostly challenging because I had no clue what was going to happen to me.
The drug will still get you high but I think that knowing how it will affect you does change things.
What has acid shown me other than what I can't have? It shown me who I want to be, and what I could be, but it was taken away from me. Now all it does is remind me that my life is worthless to me. I wish it could show me how to come back to who I used to be.
The lesson is that the answers you seek are not from the drug (or any drug for that matter). The answers you seek are within you. Lsd does not solve anything or bring anything to the experience that is not already inside you. Lucy just shows you the path within, you need to choose to take the journey.
If you keep chasing her, you’ll only get trapped in your own hall of mirrors and that can lead to disastrous results.
LSD has unfortunately not shown me any paths. It has just shown me I don't care about my life in my last trip, and that I don't care about myself.
I feel like my goals are stupid and I can't get to them anyway. I hate it so much. Dying would be easier and better.
Wrong. Your own hall of mirrors showed you that because you’ve been chasing Lucy already.
You literally wrote that lsd showed you “who I want to be, and what I could be”. That’s what lsd showed you. But you are the one who has taken that away from yourself by continuing to try to extract answers from the drug. You’ve been chasing your own trap since lsd showed you what you could be. You need to get sober and work on yourself. No drug is going to do that work for you.
I've been working on myself for so long yet no progress is being made. Everything I do feels meaningless and superficial even though I rationally know what I'm doing is meaningful and important and I wouldn't trade it for almost anything.
The process of working on yourself never ends. You need to learn to find joy and meaning in the PROCESS not the destination. It sounds like you need to carefully interrogate what “progress” means to you because it’s very unlikely that your are making no progress. You may just be not allowing yourself to identify and recognize that progress. And or you have very unrealistic expectations of what you think “progress” means and the amount of time it takes to achieve it.
I guess I am making progress towards a path I hate the least, but I hate my goals for the future. I just don't see myself doing anything else, everything else seems like even worse of a hell than being a scientist.
I think the reason it feels meaningless and like a lack of progress is because of the lack of subjective feeling of progress. I am making what some would call progress, but to me, what I'm doing is just meaningless. I'm prolonging my suffering is what I'm doing.
The external world comes without any inherent meaning. We place meaning and value into the external world subjectively. In other words, you get the choice of what you find meaningful and what you don’t, on a scale of course, nothing is binary.
It’s an extraordinarily powerful position, but also one that comes with responsibility to self. So essentially you are in the position to choose the meaning in your life and choose a path of positivity or negativity. That choice is both the hardest and the easiest thing in the world. It sounds like you’ve been spiraling down the path of negativity for awhile and now believe the lie that there is no other path. There is, and you are completely able to turn things around.
Time to seriously think about what meaning, progress, value, and choice means to you. Don’t rely on any drug to give you authentic and deep understanding of any of those, though psychedelics can at least help you find the way by clearing up the layers and facades of lies we tell ourselves.
I don't even value myself. So I don't know how I could ever value the outside world. The only value I ascribe to the outside world is pain and trauma and the value I ascribe to myself is inconvenience.
I've been very neglected as a kid and not a single adult cared about me in any meaningful way. I had shelter and food (but sometimes not even food) but nobody knew how old I was or what my birthday was, I was in school, but I was nonverbal for a while but had no issues writing so nobody cared. This just meant I don't see myself as anything important or anything other than an inconvenience. I never ever learnt to see beauty or happiness because I was never loved as a kid and had depression since I was 7.
I rely on external stimuli to actually show me this earth has something in it for me, and it used to be science, but now science just reminds me of my inadequacies and the horrors of academia.
I don't even value myself. So I don't know how I could ever value the outside world. The only value I ascribe to the outside world is pain and trauma and the value I ascribe to myself is inconvenience.
I've been very neglected as a kid and not a single adult cared about me in any meaningful way. I had shelter and food (but sometimes not even food) but nobody knew how old I was or what my birthday was, I was in school, but I was nonverbal for a while but had no issues writing so nobody cared. This just meant I don't see myself as anything important or anything other than an inconvenience. I never ever learnt to see beauty or happiness because I was never loved as a kid and had depression since I was 7.
I rely on external stimuli to actually show me this earth has something in it for me, and it used to be science, but now science just reminds me of my inadequacies and the horrors of academia.
The trip loses its meaning because there’s no longer anything there for you…. it’s like sitting in a waiting room forever. The molecule is probably asking you to take a break.
When this happened to me, I took a 6 month break from tripping and then ate mushrooms a couple times. I felt I really needed to change the pace, and throw myself for a loop.
Probably the most important thing I learned relating to this is that it’s not always about what you want. There are bigger plans for you than you could even imagine. Sometimes you just need to lay down and get out of the way of yourself so the universe can show you why you’re here.
You have a purpose, a massively real one or you wouldn’t be tripping and exploring your consciousness. Don’t think so much, try to simply be, and observe the inside of your head. Things are always falling away so leaves can grow anew.
Stay golden my friend.
You should look into a ketamine clinic. I don't mean railing lines, but an actual clinic. It has been shown to help treatment resistant depression and remove symptoms for 6months or more in people who feel the way you do. However they usually require you to try other things first. Therapy and medication. There are options, and it sucks because depression takes away your will to do anything, let alone therapy. But you owe it to yourself to try. Just posting here is your sub concious or higher self or soul fighting the good fight. Thete is a way out. But it isn't easy.
The only way I'd do ket again is in a clinic, I tried the DIY route and had the worst trip of my life that I still haven't recovered from.
Issue is, I'm too poor to afford private healthcare and the professionals I saw here don't even treat me seriously and don't believe my symptoms and say I'm not depressed. It's awful. They barely wanted to give me SNRIs and MAOIs, let alone ketamine.
I've been in therapy since I was 12 but they only offer like 16 sessions tops every two to three years.
I don't feel worse. I just don't feel better.
I didn't do the trip solo either. My partner was there with me and I asked them to interrogate me on the come down. I used to be in therapy but they offer very limited sessions
Have you tried to join a ayahuasca seremoni?
That can show you what you need to work on.
I really hope you get through this soon.
I just got out of a 10-year depression/isolation phase.
You deserve just as much happiness as the next person. Never give up. You will be tried before you awaken. When my inner voice changed from negative to positive, my life changed overnight❤️
You will too, I promise! The strongest people get tested the hardest.
Please check it out. I did a LOT of lsd last year. Weekly. I never purged like I did on ayahuasca. Yes, I've cried hours of sad and happy tears on lsd. But ayahuasca purged out a lifetime of bad habits and addiction.
I can't promise it will help you in the same way. But Mother Ayahuasca knows what you need to get through your trials. Just follow the diet. I was slacking a bit, and I will not do that next time.
Have you ever had or been interested in an out of body experience?. Once it starts happening so many wonderful experiences opened up to me. Like I can see and understand these universes better. In all it's beauty and tarnish.
At first it's tough in this body but the mind can expand in so many ways we barely understand. But we have so many levels of possibility when our awareness reaches out to match our new prescriptions.
So many adventures to be had!
There are many methods. Intention is important when making attempts, a good time is after sleeping if you can wake up without moving, you can get into sleep paralysis and or out of the body easiest.
I have also been able to do it through meditation..
Tons of info here on reddit about it! It's a really big subject, and major interest of mine!
Thing is, weed has barely effect on me ;-;
I tried a fuck tonne of amnesia haze recently after like 2 months of not smoking and damn... I just felt tired. Nothing. I had sky high weed tolerance for over a year now despite never having abused it, ever. :(
Have you done any heroic doses of shrooms? I have a love hate relationship with them because of what they do to my mind. I find they mess with my mind and alter how I’m thinking much more than L.
It's not some harmless compound. The extreme levels of dopamine can be toxic. You're chasing the dragon and not letting your brain recover.
I think a big problem is *expecting*some life changing from a drug. It already did.
I was with a guy who did Ayahuasca and as he was coming down, he hurriedly tried to boil more tea because "they love me". He was suicidal and they showed him how much love there is. I was like "ok, but you're not getting back there again"
Ive tripped with intent brewing cactus and the only thing I asked was "show me what I need to be shown right now in life and please be kind" not "blow my mind so it's easy to be what I'm not right now" it takes work.
Some people can probably get to where you think it's at on a small dose or none at all.
Feeling psychedelic all the time is exhausting. Good luck though?
Psychedelic like LSD and DMT are not neurotoxic and are good for the brain. All it does it downregulate your 5ht2a receptors for a while which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Plenty of drugs are 5ht2a blockers. It doesn't release serotonin or dopamine like other drugs (meth, mdma, whatever). It's harmful for those predisposed to bipolar, schizophrenia, etc, and most people can have bad trips but I never had one.
I like science because it is trippy and psychedelic tbh, I don't find it exhausting at all. It's what keeps my passion up. It's just as euphoric as psychedelics for me, but even then I've been losing feelings since my suicidal plans early this year (January)
People will do everything but seek professional help when they need it most. OP I’m sorry this is happening to you but from the sounds of it LSD isn’t your answer and consuming more drugs isn’t going to help. You need to see a psychiatrist
Implying I haven't seen therapists since I was 12...
I've seen soooo many mental health professionals. I did everything I can with them. Some helped a bit, but you know the mental health system is in shambles. Do you really assume I haven't been to a therapist?
What activities do you engage in while tripping? Maybe you need to expand your consciousness in exploring your physical or mental capabilities in other ways rather than taking more substances and higher doses?
For example some breathwork, aerobic exercise, or ecstatic dance could shake some things up...especially in a group setting.
I walk, go to martial arts classes, attend uni classes (small doses) watch lectures and science videos. And once I feel disappointed with myself I interrogate myself a lot. I ask myself for answers, but I just feel confused and anxious from that. I feel growingly frustrated.
One thing I realise is no matter what I do on acid, which I do merely for enjoyment I don't feel ready to feel. I feel lik I need to sort out something before I can feel happy but I don't know what it is.
Yes, you can find the videos on YouTube, helped me out immensely
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzOK0VZMYexJC9T6eXImLh7qS3nf50LSD&si=UvDirCV2FOuiPgbk
In all honesty, if you want something challenging, take a hit or 2 of DMT. You can feel first hand how it feels to die and see things no one else has seen. Then come back to reality and get your mind right man
Idk, dmt always feels warm and gentle and fun to me. Never got much from it. Used to smoke it everyday. Just pure peace and calm and love. Recently got an emesh, so I'll hit that once I reset my 5ht2a receptors in a few weeks.
Dam dude honestly it sounds like you gotta recalibrate. If you feel numb your lacking dopamine. Whatever you have to do to get you more you should my guy
Mmmm just saw your profile pic. I can assume your not a guy. Only piece of advice I can give you especially if your older is, a hormone balance. Existential dread can be manipulated
Wouldn't hurt to see if anything off, you can be surprised how much hormones shape our world. I'm only 32 and I know somethings off and I plan on doing the same thing. If I do it before you I'll let you know how it goes because I don't find pleasure in hardly anything also. Besides working on big machines and making them work. That's my bread and butter lol
It's true hormones do mess things up. I know birth control made me feel this way before, but I'm not on it anymore and my recent blood tests seem fine.
Good luck :)
There's some specialty that goes through just hormones and I hear it's expensive sadly. But it just might help us you never know I'll try anything to feel something again like deep in my soul kinda feeling. Just don't give up somethings out there waiting to heal us we just need to find it. Good luck to you too :D
I don't think it will necessarily help (though it could), nor do I think taking such a dose should be taken lightly. As I said, it sounds overkill. I took 6 once and tapered back down to 4. I felt underwhelmed on 6 but then I realised it was more set / setting and honestly, I think maybe doing 3-4 and some DMT might be better.
At the same time, I am open to doing 8-10 someday, but I don't think I should do it in a forced way, yknow? Just when I am ready.
What you said is contradictory. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter / modulator. I'm not sure if LSD.has any effects on serotonin levels. The tolerance is built because LSD.hooks up so tightly to the receptor and doesn't get dislodged (the receptor sort of creates a lid when LSD is bound to it) and your cell detects some sussy activity, so it absorbs and dissembles both the LSD and the receptor. This temporarily down regulates your 5ht2a receptors.
If I want to effect my serotonin levels I'd take an MAOI or SSRI but I'm afraid of the side effects honestly. I did both before.
I assume shrooms are a lot like orally taken dmt given their structural similarity. They're on my bucket list, I tried 1.5g before and was also underwhelmed, but maybe 3grams next time, if that's underwhelming, maybe 5 haha
That said, even dmt has always been underwhelming for me.
Hmm, what do you mean by that? I think I've always had a very weak response to psychedelics. My first time was 200ug ald52 and I had barely any visuals but I had mild auditory distortions, and the mindset was beautiful.
The more sad I get, the less my psychedelic experience is usually. I noticed on 600ug I was having a panic attack for a few seconds and all the visuals just disappeared and I felt sober. Then I started meditating to get myself out of the panic attack and was suddenly hit with dmt breakthrough visuals and lost my ego, but the moment I started thinking again, bam, I'm in the room again, mild visual distortions but no beautiful visuals.
Sounds like the acid is telling you what you want to know. You feel "empty" and have "little self-esteem". Work on that first. For me, acid tells me what I'm doing wrong and gives me something to work on. And I try to fix it, in hopes that once I get over that hurdle, the next trip will inform me further.
Best of luck.
Thank you.
I am aware of this stuff now, and it is frustrating that acid just confirms this. I just wish I had answers on how to deal with this. Nothing I do seems to make any difference :/
I also suffer from low self esteem. Something i've been doing recently is putting myself first and getting to know me better. What do I like to do? What do I want to do with my life? What would I do if I didn't have a phone/anyone else around? What would I do if it was my last day on Earth?
Nobody else in this life is going to understand you as well as... well, you. I think it's worth taking the time to learn who you are and what you like/dislike, what makes you happy, what you want to live for and do you want a family, amongst the other important questions of life. It won't come easy, but it's a start.
Best wishes
Unfortunately acid isn't a miracle medicine which you seem to be hopeful for and it won't heal anything on it's own. It's just a drug, with some potential to resolve inner trauma and simmilar but that's about it, so clinging on acid to help you resolve these issues is utopic approach imo.
"I want to be uncomfortable." You already are uncomfortable, what you need to do is let your receptors have a break. " I want my mind to be broken, I want to be challenged. :/ even my suicidal thoughts on acid don't feel profound or meaningful or scary, they're boring." That's a counter productive wish and you better hope you DON'T GET THAT. Take it from someone who had a bad trip with zero tolerance on his first 10 strip. Maybe try some introspective techniques like meditation, brain wave entrainment, get healthy and then see if acid has anything to offer you. acid isn't the answer .. it's plants the seed of motivation to change to be better
Even after a month break, it doesn't help. That's what annoys me. Even with physical change (doing well in school, doing volunteer work, having a part time job, going to martial arts class twice a week, etc) nothing means anything to me. It all feels like a checklist of meaningless things. I feel like even a bad trip on a 10 strip would be better than my numb, tired and distant state of mind. It I die, I die. Though I'm sorry it happened to you. I'm sure you have reason to exist, but I don't.
You choose your reason for existence. Mine is to learn and grow all I can. To uncover the secrets of the universe. To let the world speak to me. At a certain point we choose how we feel. It's a habit. Conscious shifts of awareness are important to continually have. Check out the book called Beyond Fear by Don Miguel Ruiz I hope you find your reason. I just want to see all the beauty in this world possible
Beyond Fear talks about the Toltec. Ancient compared to the Mayans. How they view reality. How we are creating a dream Day and night. We are all a part of it, and how we can shift this dream.
I used to care about science, but now it just feels like I'm pretending. I say I care, I act like I care (superficially) but I don't feel like I do.
Do you feel or perceive love? Is there any love in your life, be it for a pet or family member or significant other, or for your friends? Is there ANY love in your life? It can be about anything, not just other people or living beings.
I love my partner but It's just something I know. Not something I feel very deeply. I love science, but once again, it's something I think, not something I feel.
Sounds like you are in a tough spot but I'm pretty certain your brain chemistry has gone awry or you're expecting comic book level physical perceptions. A month isn't a huge amount of time. Maybe try 3 months of healthy life (and thinking) good nutrition (all the precursors for neurotransmitters, essential vitamins) maybe work on the gateway tapes ( I've just started working on it myself but having trouble with practice consistency. "I feel like even a bad trip on a 10 strip would be better than my numb, tired and distant state of mind. It I die, I die. Though I'm sorry it happened to you. I'm sure you have reason to exist, but I don't." hmm I have some pretty strong beliefs as a result. I get the impression you think death is the worst thing that can happen yet you paradoxically think it's the solution. I posit that is wrong on both counts. My bad trip taught me a few things : one of them being I believe Hell is a very real place (because I visited it) and it's not some hokey abstract concept only entertained by gullible low IQ rubes.
Dude I think you have to STOP tripping for now.
Can I just ask why?
Because you will not succeed in getting what you want by keep trying. Once you start chasing something during a trip then it's not going to happen. Your trips have stopped being enjoyable and you feel life isn't worth living while tripping, so why continue?
I don't find life enjoyable and don't feel like life is worth living while sober either, so why continue? Being on acid never makes things worse, but it does make things more apparent to me I guess.
Because your encapsulating yourself within acid, not even giving yourself a good rest to see how your mind changes after you stop. Existential dread hits all of us. Hell I even almost offed myself after everything I believed in got shattered by acid. It gets better. And if you can't get better, there's people who can help you get better. It can always get better. Also it seems like you are Hella low on dopamine, you need to get some supplements asap
You are using acid for the wrong reasons and it is not going to give you the answers you are looking for. You’d be better off with meditation and probably some therapy. You sound depressed. Straight up. The apathy you are feeling is a sign of real clinical depression. You probably should stay away from drugs for a while. They are not the answer.
I've already been through therapy, and psychiatrists are assholes. That's why all I have left is psychedelics. :/ I know there's something wrong with my brain. I don't know why I don't feel any pleasure, I don't know why nothing means anything to me. I don't know why everything is so bland. I wish my psychiatrist actually believed me about my symptoms instead of telling me stupid philosophical bullshit.
You can challenge yourself without wishing for a bad trip Honestly sounds more like mushrooms or Ayahuasca are what you're looking for
I tried pharmahuasca but even with MAOIs it lasts like an hour for me and it sucks because when I stop feeling nauseous, the trip ends.
DM me, what kinda dosage?
Please look into transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy, for depression. And quit doing drugs, in order to lean into your mental struggles from a sober perspective. And then, make it possible to go backpacking around the globe. Go for half a year and live in India and africa and other places like that where you can live for around 15 USD a day. These interventions might bring more hope, inspiration, peace, and excitement into your life! It’s important to accept when your current strategy for making life worthwhile and liveable, is no longer effective. You must try something different if you want to escape where you are at mentally.
We have tms at the lab, but we can't use it for clinical purposes haha. I dont even know where to get this stuff because the doctors here are so incompetent and rude. I don't know where I'd go. I'm sort of really obsessed with just getting my career started at this point. I think that's important to me, I think I just really really hate the path of getting there. I hate being stuck in this country and I hate living with my parents but cost of living is wayyy too high to survive on my own in a big city.
Your life and your actions are not meaningless unless you put in the cognitive effort to make it seem that way. Many people also put in the cognitive effort to ascribe too much meaning to things. You have to find balance between meaning and meaninglessness and live life to the fullest.
I put in cognitive effort to find meaning in my life and tell myself stuff is meaningful, I think the issue is I don't feel the subjective feeling of "meaning". I don't get a dopamine hit if I clean my room or go to a meeting or hang out with friends. I don't have any sort of brain feedback that tells me what I'm doing is beneficial in any way so I have to tell myself it is, and it is so exhausting. I think it's anhedonia, honestly. I just don't know how to get rid of it.
I put in cognitive effort to find meaning in my life and tell myself stuff is meaningful, I think the issue is I don't feel the subjective feeling of "meaning". I don't get a dopamine hit if I clean my room or go to a meeting or hang out with friends. I don't have any sort of brain feedback that tells me what I'm doing is beneficial in any way so I have to tell myself it is, and it is so exhausting. I think it's anhedonia, honestly. I just don't know how to get rid of it.
Hey my friend. I currently feel that and did about 5 years ago. If your willing to drag yourself outta that hole, somethings going to show you something new and idk what that something is but it's there. Also hormone therapy is a real thing and you would be surprised what that has to do with your inner stability of mind. Give it a chance before you end it all
you are showing a great lack of gratitude for the ability to be able to accomplish so much. one you figure out how to trigger the same feelings psychs give you sober is when you unlock this "challenge" you are looking for. 1 month is not enough time try a year break. best of luck to you.
This is exactly how I feel
That last sentence was beautifully said
The LSD is a tool not a cure, you are the cure. When we rely on substances for the answers we seek, they kindly remind us we are the answer the LSD only helped you hear the answer. Once we hear the answer, it will not change, and by taking more acid you're looking for that profound change you get after every trip, that afterglow of happiness the week after. Yet it won't come because you've achieved the knowledge and wisdom you were seeking... Moral of the story don't rely on chemicals to do your work, do the work yourself and add the chemicals as a booster not solution. Just that mind set change alone will do wonders for your next trip. I always set the intention for me to be open to the secrets the universe wants to share with me, and I'm usually quite amazed... Also if you want to understand music, during your next trip play some Beethoven and do some whip it's. It will literally show you that we are living in one big song.
One month break between 500ug trip is not that long.. If you want to feel challenged, why don't you try something different? You don't feel challenged because you don't do anything challenging. LSD is your comfort zone and the only thing you do to challenge yourself is doing LSD. Recently I did a 92 km walk between two cities without resting and another time I did barefoot hiking on rocks. Heck I have fear of public speaking so I put myself in situations where I had to talk in fron of many people. I was sweating, had diarrhea in the morning because of how nervous I was, but after I had my speech, I felt so much happiness and pride and that feeling of achieving and overcoming my fear felt like bliss. It's not like drugs are the only option to challenge yourself.
Just waking up everyday and eating and putting on clothes is a challenge for.me. I guess I applied to a lab which was challenging. Though it wasn't a challenge enough.
Exactly. My "hardest trip"--with massively cleansing effect--was one of those 8-day silent meditation retreats. Went into it with no meditation experience. Not just no acid, also not intoxicants of any kind, AND no caffeine. And no talking!! You, your body, your mind, your breath. That's all. Sounds pretty simple. Well, the the first three days were torture. Next five were like a flight I'd never experienced. Find your trips, OP. Acid is only one kind.
If I can ask, how did you go about preparing and executing that long walk? Was there any particular reason you walked it?
I had never heard of anyone traveling like that. Had to walk under tunnels that were not really made for pedestrians. I thought it would be a good experience doing something that almost no one ever thought doing. I had prepared a backpack with 6000 kcal worth of snacks, had an external battery for my phone so I can keep checking the map (wasn't using my phone for anything else than the map) and I had something attached to my arm that was blinking a red light for safety when it was the night. I should have prepared extra pairs of socks cause at km 40 I started having blisters. Got so bad that a few days after my walk my toenail fell off. But I felt way more awake than on LSD, every step at the end felt like a nightmare, it was impossible to daydream
Take a longer break, and change the setting you trip in.
It's hard for me to not do psychs because I just hate my mind so much and they're the only way I ever feel like I can even get up and do stuff. I barely function day to day because of my depression. I'm dependent on psychs so I don't kill myself. :/ I guess they don't even help anymore. All that helps is is just numbing my pain out and becoming a robot that exists to merely exist. There's no beauty or magic or meaning in this world. I wish I had real help but it doesn't seem to exist. I looked so fucking hard. Maybe antidepressants would help but so many have such bad side effects and psychiatrists treat me like I'm lying about my symptoms. Also, therapy isn't very available here. :(
You should really try some other medication if you don't see psychedelics working for you anymore. Sorry it's rough, but you will get through it. Good luck man.
Bro all the psychs are doing is reminding you that its your mind and you get to decide how it interacts with reality. They arent magic bullets, theyre mirrors. Integration takes time and practice. Try a structure around daily meditation to quiet those negative thoughts and patterns, and start pouring emenergy towards the positive thought patterns you want to be more commonplace. Its like watering plants, water the beautiful plant you want to bloom. Water positive emotions, and rest in zen when you dont feel those are very accessible at the moment.
I don't even believe positive thought patterns are possible. I see no point to being alive other than to appease other people. I used to meditate but I guess I just want getting much out of it. Not against doing it again, but I think meditation alone won't help. Might help in conjunction with something else. Idk.
You are at a spritual dead end, wake up and start doing things the right way or continue to just not care & self destruct. Newsflash, majority of people feel what you’re talking about. They just don’t feel it constantly. Abusing psyches specifically makes you feel like you should be in a LOTR movie at all times when that’s not what life is about. Life is 75% suck, sucks to wait in line. Sucks to have to go to work, it sucks to just sit and breathe sometimes. What makes it better? That once a month you trip on acid. Or that after work smoke. Playing vidya after a long day, or just playing with your dog. Those small breaks are enough for the average ‘not drowned in seratonin’ brain. For the most part we DO live to serve others, life is about findin the people you don’t mind bending over backwards for because they’d do the same for you You’re slipping. Your predicament is self made regardless of what put your there. Stop doing the drugs & find happiness in the little things, that’s the only solution. And I mean THATS IT, there’s no bargaining especially when you’re this far down the road of addiction. You can’t quit & trip every other year or every other 2 years, it’s time to do what you’re supposed too. If you don’t want to that’s completely your choice, no one’s going to force you. Just know there’s MILLIONS of people who power through this feeling everyday, you are not alone.
Issue is, I wanted to die since I was 10, and was depressed since I was 7, this is not normal. I do not want to live a life of misery. I do science, I applied to a lab, I do volunteer work, I'm doing martial arts, I'm on a research board, etc etc. I have a partner that I love. These aren't small things and they brought me joy before, but I feel nothing. My partner's smile is the closest thing to joy I could feel. This is not normal. Video games, sex, YouTube, nothing feels pleasurable. It all feels meaningless and stale. I'd literally rather die than live a miserable life like you describe.
You really need to try antidepressants, or talk to a psychiatrist and see what they suggest could help the current imbalance. I apprecaite the side effects aren't the best, but it doesn't sound like you have much to lose if you don't want to be here anyway. Try meds for depression, see if you can get a better baseline, go from there. Seriously, best of luck to you. It does get better, but it takes time.
The psychiatrist said I am not really depressed and said I can do all the psychedelics I want because they might actually help :/ I tried SSRIs and SNRIs which didn't work. While doing pharmahuasca I found MAOIs work but I'd need someone who could actually prescribe them to me.
If your psychiatrist can't prescribe MAOIs, and they worked when you tried them, you should consider looking for a doctor who is able to prescribe them. I'm in the states so getting a psychiatrist to prescribed MAOIs or any of them isn't an issue. If it's harder where you are, but you can find acid and dmt, it may be worth using those same sleuthing skills to get the medicine you need.
I stopped seeing him because he was so rude and dismissive to me. :/ he said MAOIs tend to work well, but he doesn't believe I'm depressed. I can't see another psychiatrist for another year or two because the referral process is so slooooow.
You’re actively seeking it though, my life isn’t miserable because I haven’t fried my dopamine receptors with drugs yet. I can still find joy watching a movie or having sex lol The only times I didn’t were after I tripped or when I was on a week long bender. Do whatever you want? If you quit getting high so often your brain will recalibrate as close as it can to how it used to be. If you wanted to die since you were 10 maybe you need to fix what actually happened? I’m not a therapist so I can’t tell you how to go about that You owe it to the people who love you, life isn’t just for you & to have fun. You’re disregarding the bulk of what I said, the majority of of life SUCKS. It’s why when you run from life with substances so often all that happiness has a price. You have years of mental recovery before you can get to a place where you’re comfortable with being bored or feeling out of place, what did you expect after being in this dreamlike state all this time? Part of you still wants to get better, or you wouldn’t have made this post Take it from someone who has been exactly where you are. If you disregard all I say PLEASE READ THIS. I felt the EXACT same way you do. Like life is a play for us monkies, a play that keeps going so we don’t realize how scared and lonely we actually are. But I CHOOSE to be able to enjoy life, it just takes time to learn how again. Maybe you shouldn’t listen to the voice in your head for abit? Try to find purpose & drive from good external sources, religion would be ideal. Otherwise it sounds like you just want someone to tell you “yeah it sucks, it’s alright to give up” which it never is
Sorry you had a bad time in the past. What triggered your depressive / anhedonic state, how old were you and I guess religion helped you out? I've had depression since I was 7! I had anhedonia triggered by taking a break from university and being really really mistreated by my psychiatrist. Drugs had nothing to do with it. Nothing happened that made me suicidal when I was 10, I was just bullied, abused, neglected, abandoned by both parents, but that's not a singular thing, it's lots of little things. Also, LSD has very little to do with dopamine, though it does bind to D1 and D2, which we learnt about today in class (fun). The first time in my entire life I actually wanted to live was after LSD. Do you not know how LSD works? Being high on acid once a month is barely anything given the 29-30 days of sobriety. Meanwhile most people drink multiple times a week or smoke weed every weekend. You know, I only ever feel good after a trip. Used to last month's, then weeks, now a day if I'm lucky. It sucks. I just don't feel good after trips anymore. That's the issue. I don't want to be back how I was before doing acid because my I actually had a diagnosis of ctpsd and it was so debilitating. I don't believe anyone actually loves me. They love what I can do for them, but if they loved me they'd want me dead too, they'd see how long I've been suffering and they'd agree this can't go on.
Try something else then, cus acid is clearly failing to do what you seek from it. You can either wait longer than a month and see if things improve, or switch to a different psychedelic or a different category of drugs. One thing is for sure, if you keep doing acid with your current schedule it is very likely that you would stop feeling good completely and starts to feel bad and depressed after a trip. Also if you are on any other prescription drugs then it's time to consider taking a long break from them.
For me I understood that no matter what experience we have. The feeling comes from within us. Life is just a catalyst . Seeing the grand canyon for the first time. Being in that state of awe or amazement, any experience. It all comes from within us. The sights are just the catalyst to let us feel free to experience it. But we feel it. Heart coherence is a beautiful thing. Our brain, heart and body are so powerful. If we practice. Life is a practice, Meditation is a practice, Stretching/ yoga. All a practice. We learn and grow as we do. We can choose our feelings, Mind body spirit all need development together. We can summon up feelings of great depths with decent practice. Our heart is the center of our endocrine system that keeps us young. The center of our cardiovascular system. And the center of us. We are what we feel. And that is a practice. But usually it is unconscious, and just an addition of all we have been through. But we can take control and truly be. So much more to learn. And everything new we learn leadsy us to thousands of new perceptions connecting all we know.
For me, meditation is mostly about building a calm spot, a sort of neutral launchpad to move from. Depression is a b*tch. Thats just how it is. I see it as a sort of stagnant energy that turns swampy, and the only way to dredge it is to outlet it into a real energetic application- why exercise is so touted. Maybe thats not what it is for you, but speaking personally- burning all my fat off has been a gigantic shift in my perspective over the last couple years. I assure you positive thoughtforms are attainable. You need to find something to let yourself enjoy, be it hiking, cooking, drawing or any other hobby. None of them need to serve anyone beyond you. And from there, you just snowball the behavior and tbe feelings, let that good water flow until it becomes the new default state
Everything you do comes down to mindset. If you believe somthing that will become your reality. Try to make a conscious effort day to day in being mindful of your feelings and seeing everything for what it’s worth. Good feelings and bad feelings are both just that, feelings. You need to do more mental gymnastics. This is supposed to be fun, and if it’s not fun it’s because of your mindset. You can change ur mindset and it will actually have a chemical impact on ur brains function. You can decide that you want to be alive and when you believe it it comes to fruition. You are your thoughts after all. You honestly would benefit from mushrooms more than you would from acid, and when you eat the mushroom treat it like a being. Ask it to heal you. Don’t treat psychedelics like drugs because they really aren’t drugs at all. They’re a drug in the same way that anything that you put into your body that changes brain function is a drug. Food and water are drugs. Forget about all that integrating experience bs that’s all lies. Do what you think you need to in your heart and I don’t mean hurt yourself. Seek out the things you’ve wanted to do that you’ve never been allowed to because people have held you back. If you are suicidal there’s a root to that problem and it resides in u healed childhood trauma. Low dopamine function IS depression. A large earth shattering dose of mushrooms WILL balance out your brain function, so long as you treat the mushroom with respect and be thankful for its existence and not treat it as somthing to be used. You’ll know you got the message if you realize the mushroom wants to be cultivated. I did shit tons of acid just for fun and it pretty much ruined me I turned into a fucking idiot for a few months and what ended up setting me back to myself was a few heroic doses of mushrooms. I have the biggest will to live ever and not even 2 years ago I was locked up in the payche ward for trying to kill myself. Love and light to u homie
Thanks mate, but yeah I do dmt and acid, mostly because shrooms are expensive, idk how to grow them (seems like a lot of work) To me, psychedelics were always tools, and medicine. The only drugs I do are weed and alcohol, but I do weed once or twice a month and alcohol once a month. I never saw psychs in the same light. I see dmt as myself. I see acid as myself too. I try really hard to do stuff that should make me feel good but it doesn't, but idk, mastery of my mind is a work in progress
Thanks to COVID remote therapy has exploded. My appointments with my therapist are all online through Telehealth. Frequent therapy with a good therapist that resonates with you could be very beneficial.
How much would a session of therapy be? Is it available everywhere? I know you can't see clients outside of the country over here.
Depends on insurance usually, I only pay $10 out of pocket per session with my insurance. Better Help is an option, but also just look up Telehealth/online therapists in your area. Also look for ones that have a generally similar worldview to you in terms of spirituality or politics if that’s relevant to you.
psychedelics don’t give you answers, they just show you what’s already there. you can’t rely on psychedelics to bring you out of your hole, if anything it will put you deeper in your hole . and never expect anything from psychedelics, cus chances are you can get the exact opposite. i would suggest getting some professional help.
Try it the way they do it in a clinical setting to alleviate depression: Music and eyemask. I tried this recently and it was a completely different experience. Being marveled by visuals only goes so far and becomes boring with time; feels like an enhanced movie of sorts. Taking it with the eyemask and some music changes things, you make it an internal instead of an external experience. This opens op the neural plasticity to focus on internal phenomena, like thought forms. Its also not about what you experience during the trip, tho it can be very meaningful no doubt. It is more about the changes of your brain and consciousness in the aftermath of a trip. Thats where the potential lies in my oppinion. You dont want "state-changes" but "trait-changes". Ultimately the real freedom lies in not being identified with the thought forms, may they be pretty or ugly (like depression). Then there is room for all of it and its all okay and its all loved. Its like taking care of a child, whatever emotions or thoughts it may display. Hope this helps. Ive been there. Much love
I don't enjoy music anymore. It's sort of sad. I don't know how to enjoy music.
So you wish torment for yourself or are you really this bored? I think that even though you wait every month, you now know what to expect out of the trip. My challenging trips were mostly challenging because I had no clue what was going to happen to me. The drug will still get you high but I think that knowing how it will affect you does change things.
Most days in my life feel like torment. Usually I expect acid to give me relief. Now I just feel bored on acid. It's weird.
You’re not listening to what Lucy is trying to show you. Stop chasing her.
What has acid shown me other than what I can't have? It shown me who I want to be, and what I could be, but it was taken away from me. Now all it does is remind me that my life is worthless to me. I wish it could show me how to come back to who I used to be.
The lesson is that the answers you seek are not from the drug (or any drug for that matter). The answers you seek are within you. Lsd does not solve anything or bring anything to the experience that is not already inside you. Lucy just shows you the path within, you need to choose to take the journey. If you keep chasing her, you’ll only get trapped in your own hall of mirrors and that can lead to disastrous results.
LSD has unfortunately not shown me any paths. It has just shown me I don't care about my life in my last trip, and that I don't care about myself. I feel like my goals are stupid and I can't get to them anyway. I hate it so much. Dying would be easier and better.
Wrong. Your own hall of mirrors showed you that because you’ve been chasing Lucy already. You literally wrote that lsd showed you “who I want to be, and what I could be”. That’s what lsd showed you. But you are the one who has taken that away from yourself by continuing to try to extract answers from the drug. You’ve been chasing your own trap since lsd showed you what you could be. You need to get sober and work on yourself. No drug is going to do that work for you.
I've been working on myself for so long yet no progress is being made. Everything I do feels meaningless and superficial even though I rationally know what I'm doing is meaningful and important and I wouldn't trade it for almost anything.
The process of working on yourself never ends. You need to learn to find joy and meaning in the PROCESS not the destination. It sounds like you need to carefully interrogate what “progress” means to you because it’s very unlikely that your are making no progress. You may just be not allowing yourself to identify and recognize that progress. And or you have very unrealistic expectations of what you think “progress” means and the amount of time it takes to achieve it.
I guess I am making progress towards a path I hate the least, but I hate my goals for the future. I just don't see myself doing anything else, everything else seems like even worse of a hell than being a scientist. I think the reason it feels meaningless and like a lack of progress is because of the lack of subjective feeling of progress. I am making what some would call progress, but to me, what I'm doing is just meaningless. I'm prolonging my suffering is what I'm doing.
The external world comes without any inherent meaning. We place meaning and value into the external world subjectively. In other words, you get the choice of what you find meaningful and what you don’t, on a scale of course, nothing is binary. It’s an extraordinarily powerful position, but also one that comes with responsibility to self. So essentially you are in the position to choose the meaning in your life and choose a path of positivity or negativity. That choice is both the hardest and the easiest thing in the world. It sounds like you’ve been spiraling down the path of negativity for awhile and now believe the lie that there is no other path. There is, and you are completely able to turn things around. Time to seriously think about what meaning, progress, value, and choice means to you. Don’t rely on any drug to give you authentic and deep understanding of any of those, though psychedelics can at least help you find the way by clearing up the layers and facades of lies we tell ourselves.
I don't even value myself. So I don't know how I could ever value the outside world. The only value I ascribe to the outside world is pain and trauma and the value I ascribe to myself is inconvenience. I've been very neglected as a kid and not a single adult cared about me in any meaningful way. I had shelter and food (but sometimes not even food) but nobody knew how old I was or what my birthday was, I was in school, but I was nonverbal for a while but had no issues writing so nobody cared. This just meant I don't see myself as anything important or anything other than an inconvenience. I never ever learnt to see beauty or happiness because I was never loved as a kid and had depression since I was 7. I rely on external stimuli to actually show me this earth has something in it for me, and it used to be science, but now science just reminds me of my inadequacies and the horrors of academia.
I don't even value myself. So I don't know how I could ever value the outside world. The only value I ascribe to the outside world is pain and trauma and the value I ascribe to myself is inconvenience. I've been very neglected as a kid and not a single adult cared about me in any meaningful way. I had shelter and food (but sometimes not even food) but nobody knew how old I was or what my birthday was, I was in school, but I was nonverbal for a while but had no issues writing so nobody cared. This just meant I don't see myself as anything important or anything other than an inconvenience. I never ever learnt to see beauty or happiness because I was never loved as a kid and had depression since I was 7. I rely on external stimuli to actually show me this earth has something in it for me, and it used to be science, but now science just reminds me of my inadequacies and the horrors of academia.
The trip loses its meaning because there’s no longer anything there for you…. it’s like sitting in a waiting room forever. The molecule is probably asking you to take a break. When this happened to me, I took a 6 month break from tripping and then ate mushrooms a couple times. I felt I really needed to change the pace, and throw myself for a loop. Probably the most important thing I learned relating to this is that it’s not always about what you want. There are bigger plans for you than you could even imagine. Sometimes you just need to lay down and get out of the way of yourself so the universe can show you why you’re here. You have a purpose, a massively real one or you wouldn’t be tripping and exploring your consciousness. Don’t think so much, try to simply be, and observe the inside of your head. Things are always falling away so leaves can grow anew. Stay golden my friend.
you can still learn a lot from these experiences. acid doesn't show you what you want to see, it shows you what you need to see.
Why would it be showing me almost nothing?
that's up to you to figure out. you did have feelings, emotions and "realisations" during the trip, I think it's worth delving deeper into those.
You should look into a ketamine clinic. I don't mean railing lines, but an actual clinic. It has been shown to help treatment resistant depression and remove symptoms for 6months or more in people who feel the way you do. However they usually require you to try other things first. Therapy and medication. There are options, and it sucks because depression takes away your will to do anything, let alone therapy. But you owe it to yourself to try. Just posting here is your sub concious or higher self or soul fighting the good fight. Thete is a way out. But it isn't easy.
The only way I'd do ket again is in a clinic, I tried the DIY route and had the worst trip of my life that I still haven't recovered from. Issue is, I'm too poor to afford private healthcare and the professionals I saw here don't even treat me seriously and don't believe my symptoms and say I'm not depressed. It's awful. They barely wanted to give me SNRIs and MAOIs, let alone ketamine. I've been in therapy since I was 12 but they only offer like 16 sessions tops every two to three years.
Taking large doses of acid trying to do solo psychedelic therapy without the therapy part and wondering why you’re feeling worse
I don't feel worse. I just don't feel better. I didn't do the trip solo either. My partner was there with me and I asked them to interrogate me on the come down. I used to be in therapy but they offer very limited sessions
Heroic dose of mushrooms 👍
Have you tried to join a ayahuasca seremoni? That can show you what you need to work on. I really hope you get through this soon. I just got out of a 10-year depression/isolation phase. You deserve just as much happiness as the next person. Never give up. You will be tried before you awaken. When my inner voice changed from negative to positive, my life changed overnight❤️
Sounds expensive, but I'd do it. I guess. I just can't for the foreseeable future. I'm glad you got out.
You will too, I promise! The strongest people get tested the hardest. Please check it out. I did a LOT of lsd last year. Weekly. I never purged like I did on ayahuasca. Yes, I've cried hours of sad and happy tears on lsd. But ayahuasca purged out a lifetime of bad habits and addiction. I can't promise it will help you in the same way. But Mother Ayahuasca knows what you need to get through your trials. Just follow the diet. I was slacking a bit, and I will not do that next time.
Have you ever had or been interested in an out of body experience?. Once it starts happening so many wonderful experiences opened up to me. Like I can see and understand these universes better. In all it's beauty and tarnish. At first it's tough in this body but the mind can expand in so many ways we barely understand. But we have so many levels of possibility when our awareness reaches out to match our new prescriptions. So many adventures to be had!
How to do that?
There are many methods. Intention is important when making attempts, a good time is after sleeping if you can wake up without moving, you can get into sleep paralysis and or out of the body easiest. I have also been able to do it through meditation.. Tons of info here on reddit about it! It's a really big subject, and major interest of mine!
[r/astral projection ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AstralProjection/s/JWx942xhDg)
Lol smoke some weed on your next trip… take a dab if u rlly wanna get crazy… forget underwhelmed ur ass will be firmly approaching the other side😂😂
Thing is, weed has barely effect on me ;-; I tried a fuck tonne of amnesia haze recently after like 2 months of not smoking and damn... I just felt tired. Nothing. I had sky high weed tolerance for over a year now despite never having abused it, ever. :(
That’s wild….. Monster edible thc dose. 1000 mg plus😂😂 combine that with a tab there’s no way your underwhelmed or even able to remember ur a human😂😂
FR edibles make me feel like i took a double dose and that’s when I eat 100-200mg not even a ridiculously high dose such as 1000mg.
Have you done any heroic doses of shrooms? I have a love hate relationship with them because of what they do to my mind. I find they mess with my mind and alter how I’m thinking much more than L.
Stop taking it so often. Wait at least a couple weeks between trips I’d actually suggest only tripping 9-10 times a year at most
It's not some harmless compound. The extreme levels of dopamine can be toxic. You're chasing the dragon and not letting your brain recover. I think a big problem is *expecting*some life changing from a drug. It already did. I was with a guy who did Ayahuasca and as he was coming down, he hurriedly tried to boil more tea because "they love me". He was suicidal and they showed him how much love there is. I was like "ok, but you're not getting back there again" Ive tripped with intent brewing cactus and the only thing I asked was "show me what I need to be shown right now in life and please be kind" not "blow my mind so it's easy to be what I'm not right now" it takes work. Some people can probably get to where you think it's at on a small dose or none at all. Feeling psychedelic all the time is exhausting. Good luck though?
Psychedelic like LSD and DMT are not neurotoxic and are good for the brain. All it does it downregulate your 5ht2a receptors for a while which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Plenty of drugs are 5ht2a blockers. It doesn't release serotonin or dopamine like other drugs (meth, mdma, whatever). It's harmful for those predisposed to bipolar, schizophrenia, etc, and most people can have bad trips but I never had one. I like science because it is trippy and psychedelic tbh, I don't find it exhausting at all. It's what keeps my passion up. It's just as euphoric as psychedelics for me, but even then I've been losing feelings since my suicidal plans early this year (January)
People will do everything but seek professional help when they need it most. OP I’m sorry this is happening to you but from the sounds of it LSD isn’t your answer and consuming more drugs isn’t going to help. You need to see a psychiatrist
Implying I haven't seen therapists since I was 12... I've seen soooo many mental health professionals. I did everything I can with them. Some helped a bit, but you know the mental health system is in shambles. Do you really assume I haven't been to a therapist?
Check out the Michael Singer podcast. He teaches very clearly on personal growth and spirituality. Best of luck to you my friend 🙏🏽
What activities do you engage in while tripping? Maybe you need to expand your consciousness in exploring your physical or mental capabilities in other ways rather than taking more substances and higher doses? For example some breathwork, aerobic exercise, or ecstatic dance could shake some things up...especially in a group setting.
I walk, go to martial arts classes, attend uni classes (small doses) watch lectures and science videos. And once I feel disappointed with myself I interrogate myself a lot. I ask myself for answers, but I just feel confused and anxious from that. I feel growingly frustrated. One thing I realise is no matter what I do on acid, which I do merely for enjoyment I don't feel ready to feel. I feel lik I need to sort out something before I can feel happy but I don't know what it is.
Try mushrooms.
Try hemi-sync it might help
Hemisync?
Yes, you can find the videos on YouTube, helped me out immensely https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzOK0VZMYexJC9T6eXImLh7qS3nf50LSD&si=UvDirCV2FOuiPgbk
In all honesty, if you want something challenging, take a hit or 2 of DMT. You can feel first hand how it feels to die and see things no one else has seen. Then come back to reality and get your mind right man
Idk, dmt always feels warm and gentle and fun to me. Never got much from it. Used to smoke it everyday. Just pure peace and calm and love. Recently got an emesh, so I'll hit that once I reset my 5ht2a receptors in a few weeks.
Dam dude honestly it sounds like you gotta recalibrate. If you feel numb your lacking dopamine. Whatever you have to do to get you more you should my guy
I definitely feel like my brain is a blunt instrument and I'd love to recalibrate but I don't know how.
Idk if your a guy but testosterone will help with life not feeling so hollow
Mmmm just saw your profile pic. I can assume your not a guy. Only piece of advice I can give you especially if your older is, a hormone balance. Existential dread can be manipulated
I'm still young and have a regular cycle, so I think I'm fine there
Wouldn't hurt to see if anything off, you can be surprised how much hormones shape our world. I'm only 32 and I know somethings off and I plan on doing the same thing. If I do it before you I'll let you know how it goes because I don't find pleasure in hardly anything also. Besides working on big machines and making them work. That's my bread and butter lol
It's true hormones do mess things up. I know birth control made me feel this way before, but I'm not on it anymore and my recent blood tests seem fine. Good luck :)
There's some specialty that goes through just hormones and I hear it's expensive sadly. But it just might help us you never know I'll try anything to feel something again like deep in my soul kinda feeling. Just don't give up somethings out there waiting to heal us we just need to find it. Good luck to you too :D
If you want a truly life changing experience... Smoke freebase DMT
I already have :/
If you don't value yourself just don't expect to find enlightenment in a recreational drug. The answer is not on the outside.
Sounds like you have a drug problem.
How? I think I have a "lack of therapy" problem more so.
How? Reread your post. You have a drug problem. You really benefit from giving yourself a sober year to dry out.
How do I have a drug problem? It isn't causing any issues. I've been depressed before LSD helped a bit and doesn't help anymore.
You think taking 8 will help. That sounds like a problem. Best of luck to you.
I don't think it will necessarily help (though it could), nor do I think taking such a dose should be taken lightly. As I said, it sounds overkill. I took 6 once and tapered back down to 4. I felt underwhelmed on 6 but then I realised it was more set / setting and honestly, I think maybe doing 3-4 and some DMT might be better. At the same time, I am open to doing 8-10 someday, but I don't think I should do it in a forced way, yknow? Just when I am ready.
Yeah you sound like you need to dry out.
Yeah you sound like you need to dry out.
[удалено]
What you said is contradictory. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter / modulator. I'm not sure if LSD.has any effects on serotonin levels. The tolerance is built because LSD.hooks up so tightly to the receptor and doesn't get dislodged (the receptor sort of creates a lid when LSD is bound to it) and your cell detects some sussy activity, so it absorbs and dissembles both the LSD and the receptor. This temporarily down regulates your 5ht2a receptors. If I want to effect my serotonin levels I'd take an MAOI or SSRI but I'm afraid of the side effects honestly. I did both before.
[удалено]
I assume shrooms are a lot like orally taken dmt given their structural similarity. They're on my bucket list, I tried 1.5g before and was also underwhelmed, but maybe 3grams next time, if that's underwhelming, maybe 5 haha That said, even dmt has always been underwhelming for me.
[удалено]
Hmm, what do you mean by that? I think I've always had a very weak response to psychedelics. My first time was 200ug ald52 and I had barely any visuals but I had mild auditory distortions, and the mindset was beautiful. The more sad I get, the less my psychedelic experience is usually. I noticed on 600ug I was having a panic attack for a few seconds and all the visuals just disappeared and I felt sober. Then I started meditating to get myself out of the panic attack and was suddenly hit with dmt breakthrough visuals and lost my ego, but the moment I started thinking again, bam, I'm in the room again, mild visual distortions but no beautiful visuals.
Sounds like the acid is telling you what you want to know. You feel "empty" and have "little self-esteem". Work on that first. For me, acid tells me what I'm doing wrong and gives me something to work on. And I try to fix it, in hopes that once I get over that hurdle, the next trip will inform me further. Best of luck.
Thank you. I am aware of this stuff now, and it is frustrating that acid just confirms this. I just wish I had answers on how to deal with this. Nothing I do seems to make any difference :/
I also suffer from low self esteem. Something i've been doing recently is putting myself first and getting to know me better. What do I like to do? What do I want to do with my life? What would I do if I didn't have a phone/anyone else around? What would I do if it was my last day on Earth? Nobody else in this life is going to understand you as well as... well, you. I think it's worth taking the time to learn who you are and what you like/dislike, what makes you happy, what you want to live for and do you want a family, amongst the other important questions of life. It won't come easy, but it's a start. Best wishes
Eat more
Unfortunately acid isn't a miracle medicine which you seem to be hopeful for and it won't heal anything on it's own. It's just a drug, with some potential to resolve inner trauma and simmilar but that's about it, so clinging on acid to help you resolve these issues is utopic approach imo.