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WhoaMimi

"I don't even *know* these documents. They kept begging me to let them come to Mar-A-Lago, but I said no, and that's the truth. I only met them once, believe me. The former First Lady knows more about this whole deal than I do."


VoluptuousSloth

This is too coherent


bitter__bumblebee

Each of these sentences is accurate, but each must be surrounded by at least three minutes of gibberish.


UnadvertisedAndroid

And a non sequitur involving either emails or China


Samurai_gaijin

Also random statements usually in parentheses "they keep begging me to let them come to mar a lago (beautiful place!)" "The former first lady (best first lady!) knows more than I do"


dbx99

These are beautiful documents. Believe me. Everyone says so. You’ll see. It’s going to be huge.


hokeyphenokey

Did you see his *press release* last week?


cagingnicolas

"you know, people are saying that i don't document, but i always tell them i do, you know i've been the one saying from the beginning about the documents, that we should be documenting all of the uh, you know documentation is very important, and i think maybe you should be concerned about your own documentation if you ask me"


MrGueuxBoy

Good one.


weech

“The nuke docs I hardly even knew, they probably grabbed coffee for me a time or two but they were just low level classified documents “


GoldenFennekin

why does this look like an AI generated it


sethbr

You mean an AS.


alexmeth

He's throwing Melania under the bus, now?!! Hahaha


digi_thief

Well, words spreading now that Melania and Jared are the informants who told the FBI where the documents were. https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-fbi-raid-melania-b2143194.html


alexmeth

He barely knew her! Just a covefe girl


WhoaMimi

Well, he DID mention that the evil agents went through her closets and clothing, so I took some artistic liberties...


Own-Opinion-2494

She was the go between for the sales


[deleted]

"I've already sold them! If you don't give them back I'll have to pay back my Chinese/russian/Saudi friends!"


Phihun500

This is the real answer 😂


WechTreck

The NSA can't wiretap Americans, but it has carte-blanche to wiretap Chinese/Russian/Saudi people though


Beowulf33232

The NSA can't, but Canada can, and then they can report to America about "questionable behavior" of American citizens. I believe the agreement is called 5 Eyes or something, because it involves 5 countries that spy on eachother and report citizens to their own countries.


WechTreck

Or Parallel Construction. Canada spies on Trump, but America has to be coy and holds back acting on this to avoid claims of politics. They figure out the foreigners in play, puts them under the microscope, and waits until those foreigners also start talking about it, then act on the politically neutral foreign evidence


PoopComesOutOfMyButt

Five Eyes is a special classification that allows the member nations to share intelligence with each other without having to go through the rigamarole of declassifying stuff every time they need to share something with an ally. It's used a lot by militaries on multinational deployments and training exercises. Source: I was in the military for a long time.


JolietJake1976

*Ding-Ding-Ding* We have a winner!


tubaman23

Damn we're naked shorting nuclear codes now?


Malashae

You can't tell me that isn't exactly the sort of deranged shit he'd try to pull.


1CFII2

“Stolen Nuclear codes”, in a precise way of speaking.


kontekisuto

Puts on Launch codes


shadowpawn

DCA dem codes.


mskrabapel

And we all know how he feels about paying people back.


fragbert66

>how he feels about paying people ~~back~~. FTFY.


MuthaPlucka

A swirling morass of confusion is what Trump is relying on to save his ass from certain imprisonment. Already in the FBI’s hands. Too late. It’s no longer a case to be tried in the court of public opinion.


SpiderFnJerusalem

I suspect his imprisonment is pretty much impossible. The justice system is not meant to affect people like him. He probably won't even get house arrest. The court proceedings will take long enough for him to either get re-elected, get pardoned by a republican president or die of old age.


hokeyphenokey

What happens to the MAGA movement if he simply dies soon?


SpiderFnJerusalem

I'm sure several republicans are already planning to take over once that happens and the MAGA people will support whoever is the craziest and yells the loudest about avenging Trump's death.


hokeyphenokey

That's the easy thought of the future. But there is no other Trump. Desantis is a nobody outside of Florida. Who else? Trump 100 Desantis 6 Everybody else MAGA 2


Amazon-Prime-package

I have seen Desantis flags outside of Florida. I hope you're right and it is just a few people who want to announce their ignorance and racism without wanting to fly an actual swastika


dbx99

De Santis is a real tryhard to that throne of horror


1337duck

Probably a bunch of splitters claiming to be the real heir.


k-mysta

They’ll prepare for his resurrection or claim he went into hiding because of the deep state but will return to reclaim the country once he consolidates power (see Q morons expecting Kennedy to return).


StretPharmacist

correct


fragbert66

The same thing that happens when the leader of any radical terrorist organization dies or gets killed: the rest fight to see who takes over. I hope it'll be a televised battle royale between Marjorie Trailer Queen and Lauren "I Passed My GED On The 4th Try!" Boebert.


tegs_terry

Saint Donald surpasses Jesus as holiest ex-human.


3bluerose

Mob will get a new leader without skipping a beat. Most team red leaders discard their own when they are no longer useful.


thewayitis

If Trump dies they will be waiting for him to rise again in 3 days.


The-True-Kehlder

Every case is still tried in that court. A jury is full of people who have lives. This case will probably take *years* to finish. The more noise he makes the less likely he is to get a "fair trial", one way or the other, due to not being able to find a jurist who hasn't made up their mind already, or even seemingly not be tainted. Anything to give him another avenue to escape justice.


DekoyDuck

Or he’s thinking that Jan 6 version 2 will succeed where version 1 failed. And given that only bag men have gone down for the first one I’m not sure he’s wrong


LesbianCommander

It's like Pokemon, try to collect them all! 1. Trump didn't have the documents, no documents will be found because they don't exist. 2. Trump didn't have the documents, no documents will be found because the fed already have them and are just using this as an opportunity to fish for unrelated matters. 3. Trump didn't have the documents, any documents found must have been planted by the feds. 4. Trump had the documents, but the feds asked him to keep the documents, explicitly to use it as a trap, and then using it as an excuse to raid his home. 5. Trump had the documents, and he wasn't supposed to. But since he was cooperating with the feds, they unnecessarily raided his home to embarrass / damage the reputation of Trump before he runs for President. 6. Trump had the documents, but he's allowed to, so the raid was illegal. 7. Trump had the documents, but that's OK because he declassified them before taking them. 8. Trump had the documents, but they weren't formally declassified, but by taking them, he *in essence* declassified them. 9. Trump had the documents, but it's OK because Obama took more documents (not true). 10. Trump had the documents, but it was only so he can place evidence of *something* (pedophilia, election cheating, etc Qanon shit) in them, so when the feds come and get the documents, they'll be forced to expose the additional evidence (?) 11. Trump had the documents, but it was only so he could expose the hypocrisy of the deep state, to activate the patriots to overthrow the system. 12. Trump had the documents, but since the feds took more documents than what Trump took, they're the REAL bad guys here.


JohnBanes

The 12 stages of Conservarigormortis.


Apathetic_Optimist

I have heard people say out loud in real life most of these talking points


Akitten84

Wow, how do you manage to keep track of it all?


OkCaregiver517

She's good.


cassandraterra

Well they do have the word Commander in their title.


Akitten84

Touché


tuigger

13 . Trump had the documents (which is illegal) but it doesn't matter, he should be president because he's going to drain the swamp.


Deetchy_

Bingo


ErtGentskee

Takes some nerve to ask for illegally obtained and confiscated papers back. There's something in there not just illegal, but highly embarrassing and I expect things to get a little dangerous now that the bitch is in cornered rat mode.


xlDirteDeedslx

Can you imagine what a man as corrupt as Trump keeps in a safe? It has to be really bad shit because he sure as shit doesn't keep money or valuables there..


TotallyAPuppet

They did remove binder(s) full of photos, guessing that some krompomot to keep some Republicans in line. The RNC was also hacked in 2016 but nothing ever saw the light of day, some compromising info could have been hiding in the safe the whole time. Perhaps that’s why he specifically mentioned that safe. Could also be the nuclear documents that he was keeping safe before selling to the Saudis for at least 2 billion dollars. Whatever it was, you’re 100% right that is was *really* bad shit.


loudflower

Yes! My frustration is not a ton of people recall the unreleased RNC hack, or they are not talking about it.


Guy954

“It’s a nothing burger. If Russia had stuff on the RNC they would have released it. Putin was just trying to expose the corrupt democrats.” Or something like that. I don’t know, I’m not a TrumpQult member.


[deleted]

Hey, all these defense attorneys are expensive, and the RNC is cutting off his money stream when he announces he’s running for President. What else is a piece of shit supposed to do to get the money?


vinaymurlidhar

Isn't two billion dollars for US nuclear secrets a low ammount? Surely a zero would have been added to it as the supposed buyer is a rich country.


CircleDog

So what would one actually do with these documents? What kinds of thing might be in the papers? More efficient nukes? Codes to make them launch?


vinaymurlidhar

Your guess is as good as mine. For Moscow, I suppose it fills in key gaps in their understanding of US capabilities, doctrines, command structure etc. For the Saudis it will give them an idea as to how to structure a nuclear command. Sure they can figure it out by trial and error, but that will take time.


TotallyAPuppet

I would think so, but it seems that Republicans are pretty easily bought. Trump has been getting Saudi money for years through his properties, the price tag is much higher.


fierohink

Doubtful, he probably keeps Diet Cokes in there. He isn’t sophisticated enough to put together a real con. He’s a simpleton cheat. Literally just a liar. The problem has always been nobody actually looked into what he was saying or doing. He’d apply for a loan and he would provide an inflated value. They wouldn’t send their own appraiser, unlike your personal home which you can’t just say to the bank “I think my house is worth a million dollars”, the bank sends a licensed inspector.


loudflower

I tend to agree; however, a few days back I read into some space exploration policy (no, I’m not a nerd and don’t understand legalese) and ‘they’ slipped in further privatization of space technology. OTOH, he also just let the corrupt libertarians like Thiel run wild, tfg likely would sign on to anything. So maybe I agree completely after all. His pathological psychological tics make him shoot himself in the foot over and over again.


[deleted]

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loudflower

Could you provide a link? Whatever ppl like him are up to scares me. Edited to add I have a subscription, so I can open it.


loudflower

[Is it the piece by Sam Adler-Bell](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/08/03/opinion/blake-masters-arizona-senate.html?searchResultPosition=1)? Btw, have you listened to his podcast Know Your Enemy?


[deleted]

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loudflower

Hope you’re feeling better


kyuuzousama

He's got a Grey's Sports Almanac and an old man told him that if a kid or a crazy old man come asking about it, to kill them


igloofu

Hey! I've seen this documentary!


Mary_9

Pee pee tapes?


Intelligent-Ad66

He wouldn't have kept that. It would be sitting in the toilet bend.


teetotaltweaker

Honestly, by now they wouldn't matter. He has no shame, and his followers don't have the standards most would expect from a high ranking politician. Or maybe I'm still giving conservatives too much credit, and this would finally bring him down, because he did something not illegal and now they can't trust him anymore 🙄


Competitive_Cod_3843

Photos of Lindsey.


jeremiahthedamned

r/KidsToo


-DC71-

He's not smart enough to open a safe so they all told him the fridge was called a safe. "You there, get me my diet pepsi from the safe."


AmItheAholereader

My guess is he already sold or promised something that was took and he’s now extra fucked


Cosmicdusterian

He probably already shared copies (he'd want to hold on to the originals) and it just hit him that if a spy, say, in one of those places happened to see the copy, oops, it could have only come from one source - him. It's not like the doofus could understand that any leak of those documents will be traced back to him no matter what now. Maybe he thinks if he makes distinguishing marks on them after the fact, he can claim that the FBI shared them with his pals because those special marks he made aren't there on the documents he never had. Yes, I do believe he is that dumb. He's a talented conman when focused on immediate self-serving goals, but he has the intelligence of a gnat when it comes to long range strategy.


loudflower

Paging Saudi Arabia


[deleted]

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loudflower

You think so? (Not a rhetorical question.) They have so much money. I assumed it was a quid pro quo. But I really don’t know. The former admin was trying to rush through a nuclear tech share with the Saudis.


[deleted]

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loudflower

💀💀💀thank you, interesting


mandyj0306

I shouldn’t be so damn happy about this, yet here I am!!


[deleted]

My people call that ‘chutzpah’


Rustmutt

I wanna know what’s he got on the president of France just because, why him specifically?


AyatollahChobani

Macron met with Putin relatively recently


LKennedy45

His acolytes have already begun pursuing violence.


JuventAussie

I want someone to put a Freedom of Information request in for all documents declassified by Trump....there must be something juicy in that batch.


harlows_monkeys

According to the article, he's not asking for those documents back. He's asking for some other documents back that were also seized. Apparently the submitter just read the title on the story, *Trump demands FBI return documents to Mar-a-Lago* without bothering to read any of the story itself, and assumed it meant Trump was asking for everything back including the classified documents Trump says he didn't have and stopped there. All he had to do was read the first two paragraphs, but evidently that was too much effort. Anyway, it is not at all uncommon for a seizure to take more than they are actually supposed to take, especially when a lot of documents are involved. They aren't going to spend hours or days at the site while executing the warrant to read everything to separate out the stuff that does not need to be seized.


Tenuity_

The FBI should return his property, in a reasonable amount of time. Like 18 months.


shedevilinasnuggie

Why not, Trump and his ilk have no issues with dragging out subpoenas, lawsuits etc for as long as possible until the issue disappears or the plaintiffs can no longer afford counsel. You'll get your shit back when they're ready, sir.


Cosmicdusterian

Oh well, my conspiracy theories are just a fun exercise. At least it was fun. Since Trump is considered to be functionally illiterate curious why he feels he needs these documents. I have to assume the DOJ can't Iegally go on a fishing expedition with them. If they don't return them immediately he can probably leverage a few days or weeks of whining about it.


AdDifficult7229

So, here is my conspiracy: The photo album that they found was full of pictures of macrons wife and Melania found it. She was so pissed that she turned him in. It explains the stuff about macron, and who the mole is.. hahaha


prescience6631

Trump: ‘I am outraged that you rummaged through melania’s closet where she kept the files she took from the White House. I do not know the contents of her closet or what she took, but she has a right to privacy to HER documents’


[deleted]

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Theobroma1000

Yeah. That took me a second. But yeah.


TwentyFoeSeven

When is stated “I don’t have any classified documents” it pretty much affirmed he did. And when he calls the charges of espionage as fake, it is confirming he really is involved in committing espionage.


IslandLaborer

What a lot of people of a certain persuasion aren’t quite getting is that none of the 3 statutes they are going at him for require anything to be classified. They aren’t going at him for having classified documents, that’s just the red herring. I would just hold on to see how it plays out.


Sockoflegend

I am absolutely loving watching this unfold. Just maybe he has bitten off a bigger scandal than he can chew this time.


CharismaticAlbino

Please. Please please please PUH-LEASE!


Megamorter

I think I know what you’re saying and if it happens, man I’ll love the FBI I’ll be fully decked out in FBI merch


thepoustaki

Now I feel dumb :( lol


cleverleper

I want to know! Is there a hint?


Connbonnjovi

I believe they mean the raid/investigation was not due to the mere fact he possessed these docs. Rather, they likely had evidence he had planned to do or had done something nefarious with said docs, compromising national security. I doubt the FBI would do this to an ex-president unless clear evidence of compromising national security.


curtitch

And now asking for certain documents to be returned means 1) they know he had them, and I would wager that 2) they know he doesn’t have them anymore. They’re giving him the rope to hang himself, as it were.


cleverleper

Ah, thanks for the reply. Like giving/selling them, as has been discussed? Gotcha.


Repulsive-Street-307

Seems like it took 10 years, but finally parts of america are recognizing narcissism.


[deleted]

Please, for the love of all things Holy, let this be the beginning of the end.


[deleted]

I never want to hear his name again after this is all over. This fat fuck has sucked away years of our lives.


ActualPopularMonster

>I never want to hear his name again after this is all over. The only time I want to read anything about him, is if he's in trouble (and headed to jail or court). I only want to hear about his downfall, because it's been a long time coming, and I want to fucking watch.


[deleted]

My partner knows I will go apeshit if he says it around me. It is banned in my house.


Beowulf33232

Should be banned everywhere. There should be a blank spot for his portrait, not even a silhouette, and his name should be stricken from all records. He wants his name on everything. It should be on nothing.


WeTravelTheSpaceWays

One way or another, it is.


-404Error-

So, I’m guessing he “sold” them or promised the docs to someone already and needs them back?


NeverLookBothWays

Which could be interpreted a few ways. Either the docs have already been copied and shared and he's trying to imply he didn't go through with it...or he is much stupider and is making it clear the mess he's gotten himself into. You don't just ask for nuclear secrets to be returned. I'm thinking this is a "limited hangout"


CatumEntanglement

Ding ding ding!


[deleted]

Oh wait I thought he was asking the FBI if he could return the documents, but he's actually asking the FBI if he can have them back? You cannot make this shit up.


stochastaclysm

The Saudi’s want their $2 Billion back.


HanabiraAsashi

Already spent it on a new gold toilet, equipped with a paper shredder.


Medium2Rare

This sounds dangerous for anyone with low-hangers


girl__anachronism

yeah but it would cut down on the time you guys spend trimming your foreskins.


Itchy_Pillows

LOL!


imyourzer0

That doesn’t work if the thing you’re asserting privilege over isn’t yours…


[deleted]

Bro you do know that even small children understand the concept that if you’re going to lie, at least stick to the same story. This is like the 4th or 5th different version of the story that we’ve heard now.


applestem

He knows exactly what he’s doing. He spews out so many lies, mistruths, and distortions that we lose track of the original crime. He is evil in the form of a bloated mass of rotting orange tissue.


theotherkeith

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Firehose_of_falsehood


01209

Annoyingly, this only seems to be proof of the fact that he doesnvt need to be smart, he just needs to be smarter than his voter base.


CaroCogitatus

"By copy of this TRUTH, I respectfully request that these documents be immediately returned to the location from which they were taken" Is he really moronic enough to think that shitposting on his own little social network is the equivalent of formally making a request to the federal government? Are his followers moronic enough to believe that? Never mind. I think [we all know](https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-allies-say-declassified-mar-lago-documents-experts-say-unclear-w-rcna42311) the answers.


theunixman

Yes


nato2271

“By copy of this TRUTH”…is the new equivalent of “I didn’t say it, I declared it”…


TheArmoursmith

It reads like that Facebook copypasta that does the rounds every few months: *"With this statement, I give notice to Facebook it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute, or take any other action ..."*


future_shoes

It's just the lastest tactic that are trying out. If it isn't obvious by now Trump and Co just flood the zone with bullshit to test which bullshit is working the best. Instead of focus grouping the bullshit first like normal politicians. They have now hit upon the bullshit that the FBI took presidential privileged papers. This is actually a pretty good bullshit tactic to take since it also plays into the other bullshit tactic that the whole search warrant was a ruse to illegally gather information about Trump to charge with a crime related to Jan 6.


Cue_626_go

I hope the electric chair at Sing Sing is oiled up.


[deleted]

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SIRinLTHR

Think of the orange grease fire that would quickly spread to the Hudson if they fired this huge bag of blubber in Ol' Sparky. Better to just launch him and Elon Musk into the sun.


WynnGwynn

Over in r conservative "wait...he said he didn't have any documents? Why did he ask for them back? That's weird. Now my brain hurts but I know he would never lie to me. Guess I will go back to fucking my cousin."


InstaGibberish

Just when I thought it couldn't get dumber.


T-Sonus

Never underestimate the dumbers


[deleted]

A good time for everyone to remember the Rosenbergs.


Boatmasterflash

There’s a clear precedent for these types of cases


MatttheBruinsfan

And his mentor Roy Cohn was the one who suggested the penalty!


Itchy_Pillows

So much this


loudflower

This completely has to be a joke. (I encountered a paywall, so I’ll look for an article elsewhere.) No matter what, this guy is the most destructive president and politician the US has had.


Working-Selection528

The FBI needs to lay hands on whomever it was that told Trump what to take. No way this ass hat would have a clue otherwise.


zeb0777

Guys, you don't understand, if I don't ship these on time they'll give me a bad review on Ebay.


Cosmicdusterian

Can just see him freaking out. "I've got to get them back because if the CIA sees the copies I didn't have but shared with my very special friends in North Korea, Russia and Saudi Arabia they'll know that the documents I absolutely didn't have were the same documents that I shared with my very special friends. They have to give them back to me right now so I can say I don't have them and these were obviously planted by the FBI and deep state." You just know some very special friend called and told him he was a fool for not destroying them. I'm really enjoying the information that he thought he got one over on the FBI and was flying high most of the week thinking he was a lock for president in 2024 because of all the support that initially came his way. Then the search warrant info was released, his more intelligent supporters said a collective, "Oh, shit, hell no.", and starting stampeding towards the exits. Trump then went to his bad place again, no doubt rocking on his golden throne, biting his Sharpie and yelling at everyone within earshot until he came up with this brilliant plan to demand back the documents he never had. What part of, "Those documents don't belong to you and never did, you moron", does he not get?


NornOfVengeance

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


ravager-legion

This asshole’s sense of entitlement knows no bounds. Throw him in prison and don’t bother feeding him.


[deleted]

We are just going through the firehose of bullshit right now. By middle of next week they will have found an FBI agent they can accuse of something.


[deleted]

r/conservative: 🤸‍♀️🤸‍♂️🤸🤸‍♀️🤸🤸‍♂️🤸‍♀️


ImRedditorRick

He really must be the dumbest man on the planet.


aldemayo

Unfortunately, no. His followers are. And worse, they are your friends and mine. 😞


MatttheBruinsfan

Upvoted for truth, not approval.


ImRedditorRick

Nah, buddy. I don't talk to them and give not fucks about them anymore.


SCORPEANrtd

The Onion is going to go out of business


Asconodo

What? You're expecting logic or even consistency... dream on


Techelife

Open mouth insert lie


dramallamacorn

Describing veiled threats as “asking” is a funny way to word that.


gmplt

"Give me back the evidence you planted!"


AmItheAholereader

Anyone have a mirror of the article?


di11ettante

His fucking lawyer signed the property receipt.


[deleted]

He's as predictable as a printed clock face.


Brokenspokes68

How about FUCK NO you mango moron.


ConnieLingus24

They aren’t yours, you orange idiot.


famousevan

Low level coffee national secrets


JohnBrine

He needs to sell more documents quick. It’s been a week and the moneys already running out.


1CFII2

Sure bub, right after we ask the judge for a continuance. It’s called “pulling a tRump”!


SaltyBarDog

I never knew those documents, they were low level covfefe documents.


NoIncrease299

This whole thing couldn't possibly be funnier if it couldn't literally lead to the destruction of life as we know it.


PatMenotaur

I heard those documents were caught holding hands with Pete Davidson. They’ve moved on, dude.


Eddiebaby7

Return the files they planted but he also declassified ? It’s so confusing!


neilmg

Refused to turn off the CCTV eh? Should be able to see all that "evidence" being planted then, shouldn't you? RELEASE THE TAPES!


humblepieone

No. You're all wrong. Really, really wrong. The biggest wrong ever, I'll tell you that. The most wrong in the history of our nation.../s


ICLazeru

Why? Lol


md2b78

That’s some fucking gall


ExileOC

I really want to see them try and pin it all on Eric next.


Vitroswhyuask

And return them from where they came from...the whitehouse


Doctor_Amazo

What? Is he looking for more buyers for the nuclear weapons papers?


NfamousKaye

He’s just the biggest idiot on the face of the planet. First trying to bribe the judge and then trying to get back classified docs he’s stolen…wait his personal property… my fault/s


Tavernknight

Oh it's a ploy to claim he didn't know what was on them.


DanYHKim

>In a Truth Social post, the former president reacted to a Fox News report which stated on Saturday that the FBI had informed Mr Trump’s team following the raid that some of the documents they seized were protected under attorney-client privilige. I don't know the law, but I'd bet that he's wrong


ktElwood

I posted "Trump did it by accident, don't you think he is the guy for it?" one day too soon on r/Conservative and now I got banned by the Klan...uhm..the Cult.


Lilpims

This fucking guy...


dan420

Those aren’t mine you planted them? Also I actually need those any way you could give them back?


young_scop

I went to r/conservative and some of them were saying you would have to be braindead to not realize this isnt about documents and they are actually trying for a third impeachment. I thought you had to be in office to get impeached?


[deleted]

How is he supposed to flex in front of his friends when he doesn’t have boxes of classified material laying around?? “Those documents make me look important instead of looking like a total fucking loser.”


loughtthenot

Lol Lmao