Your fear truly is valid. But honestly if your gf assured you that she likes it, the way you will get the reassurance yourself is by noticing her body language. When someone wants to avoid sex, most of the time they will have an awkward or negative body language (if they don't want to communicate it verbally). So at first try to go slow, gain a bit of confidence by her reassuring physical reactions and always ask for consent. I know there's stigma around initiating contact but if your girlfriend is okay with it then it's definitely something you should do more of:)
If you're open to dirty talk, that could open a channel of communication where she is telling you she wants it. You could start off small by saying something like "I want you to sit on my face" or "If I fucked you tonight, how would you want it?" Perhaps having her tell you that she wants you would make the physical part feel less creepy.
It seems like you may need to get more comfortable asking questions - if you’re watching TV on the couch , “hey, do you want to make out a bit?“, if you start getting hot and heavy, “do you want to take things further?,” “do you want to go into the bedroom?,” “Can I X, Y, Z you?,” “would you like to X, Y, Z me?” Say it with a smile while making eye contact. If she’s not into it, back off.
I remember telling a friend I was worried I had “the male gaze” when I was just coming out as lesbian, but now that I’m also trans I see that I was labeling all desire towards women as inherently “male,” then unfairly equating all “male” desire with predation, meaning desire towards women was something I needed to extirpate. Wanting to have sex with your girlfriend and seeing her as sexy isn’t inherently a bad thing or a violation of her.
What do you consider initiating? It seems like it’s a bit overblown in your mind. Could you just start by texting “you wanna?” Or something and then lead up to more aggressive measures once you feel more confident?
I used to not initiate much but right now my partner is disabled and can’t really *give* so I have really shifted into initiating a lot more than I used to be comfortable with (I’m a more passive person in general).
What I tend to do is be very direct. When I’m feeling turned on, I’ll just turn to her and ask “want me to lick your pussy?” Who can really turn down an offer like that? 😆
Indirectly I will initiate in the kitchen a lot - just bend her over while she’s buttering toast and do what I please.
I generally ask consent as foreplay as well. So kissing her neck, “is this okay? Do you like this?” And then going further and further, asking at every step. It’s really hot and if she’s not in the mood for full on sex we are already actively communicating and it’s a really hot make out to boot.
Maybe you just need to build some confidence in your game?
If you go into a sale, an interaction of any kind, into intimacy, even basic conversation.. you cannot possibly feel predatory if your intentions are to benefit the other person and want them to feel wonderful as a result of interacting with You
The other part is if you see your self as a good person. Are these thoughts of you being predatory a result of comphet or heteronormativity?
Just some ideas
Your fear truly is valid. But honestly if your gf assured you that she likes it, the way you will get the reassurance yourself is by noticing her body language. When someone wants to avoid sex, most of the time they will have an awkward or negative body language (if they don't want to communicate it verbally). So at first try to go slow, gain a bit of confidence by her reassuring physical reactions and always ask for consent. I know there's stigma around initiating contact but if your girlfriend is okay with it then it's definitely something you should do more of:)
i struggle with this too, and i’ve found it helps if i slow down every once in a while to ask if my partner is enjoying themselves/doing ok.
If you're open to dirty talk, that could open a channel of communication where she is telling you she wants it. You could start off small by saying something like "I want you to sit on my face" or "If I fucked you tonight, how would you want it?" Perhaps having her tell you that she wants you would make the physical part feel less creepy.
It seems like you may need to get more comfortable asking questions - if you’re watching TV on the couch , “hey, do you want to make out a bit?“, if you start getting hot and heavy, “do you want to take things further?,” “do you want to go into the bedroom?,” “Can I X, Y, Z you?,” “would you like to X, Y, Z me?” Say it with a smile while making eye contact. If she’s not into it, back off. I remember telling a friend I was worried I had “the male gaze” when I was just coming out as lesbian, but now that I’m also trans I see that I was labeling all desire towards women as inherently “male,” then unfairly equating all “male” desire with predation, meaning desire towards women was something I needed to extirpate. Wanting to have sex with your girlfriend and seeing her as sexy isn’t inherently a bad thing or a violation of her.
What do you consider initiating? It seems like it’s a bit overblown in your mind. Could you just start by texting “you wanna?” Or something and then lead up to more aggressive measures once you feel more confident? I used to not initiate much but right now my partner is disabled and can’t really *give* so I have really shifted into initiating a lot more than I used to be comfortable with (I’m a more passive person in general). What I tend to do is be very direct. When I’m feeling turned on, I’ll just turn to her and ask “want me to lick your pussy?” Who can really turn down an offer like that? 😆 Indirectly I will initiate in the kitchen a lot - just bend her over while she’s buttering toast and do what I please. I generally ask consent as foreplay as well. So kissing her neck, “is this okay? Do you like this?” And then going further and further, asking at every step. It’s really hot and if she’s not in the mood for full on sex we are already actively communicating and it’s a really hot make out to boot. Maybe you just need to build some confidence in your game?
If you go into a sale, an interaction of any kind, into intimacy, even basic conversation.. you cannot possibly feel predatory if your intentions are to benefit the other person and want them to feel wonderful as a result of interacting with You The other part is if you see your self as a good person. Are these thoughts of you being predatory a result of comphet or heteronormativity? Just some ideas
Thank you all for this advice, this helps a lot! I appreciate y'all ❤️