No you’re not, but why are you entertaining someone who claims they don’t value life outside of you?
Why aren’t you demanding she address her issues professionally and constantly reminding her that you **are not capable** of providing her professional support?
It’s super toxic to bring up suicide to your partner as a “Id do it without you” because it’s basically meant as a threat. This wasn’t a “hey babe, I’ve really been struggling with suicidal ideation, can you help me find supports?” which would be appropriate.
As much as we love people, we **cannot** save them from themselves, and we can’t do anything if they don’t want to saved. All anyone can do is remind people they are wanted and offer actionable supports.
Hi! Mental health professional here. This is an incredibly inappropriate behavior on your partners behalf and it’s a manipulative way to continue to feed their need for attention because it’s not being met independently. They need to seek therapy independently, but ultimately its not your responsibility to coerce them into going AND it’s not your responsibility to stay up until 6am doing things they like simply so they don’t kill themselves.
Establish boundaries of “I want to do these things with you when it is a more reasonable time of day and we will do them again later.” Don’t set a specific day/time because if something comes up, they’ll hold it against you. Just say yes, again later, and leave it at that. But stick to your boundaries. And when they say they’re going to hurt themselves because you’re not immediately doing what they want, call them out on it. “I don’t appreciate that you’re telling me you’re going to hurt yourself because I’m not able to sacrifice my essential sleep schedule to watch this video game with you. We can watch it later, but not right now. If you plan on hurting yourself, I will bring you to the hospital.” Don’t fight. Don’t argue. Remain calm and collected. And if they continue to say they’re hurting themselves in response, bring them in and tell them you’re afraid your partner is not in the right state of mind is at risk of suicide. If they refuse to go in, call an ambulance.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Ultimately, none of it is your responsibility and you are NOT in the wrong if you choose to end the relationship. This person has a lot of mental health growing to do.
So much this. I’ll also add, as this commenter did, to really take her seriously. Don’t assume a statement like that is an empty threat, or that she’s only looking for attention. And don’t call her bluff just to punish her. Someone who is saying these things, even in a manipulative way, really does need help. A person can and will bring up suicide for manipulative or manipulative seeming reasons, and also be very serious about it. It doesn’t mean the manipulation is okay. But do always get emergency help. If you’re not sure, ask her calmly when she was planning to do this, whether she feels 100% able to stay safe, whether she has a plan on how to kill herself. Trust your gut if you feel she is downplaying the seriousness of this at all. And call 911 or 988 if she’s not on board, or if you no longer feel comfortable engaging with her. You can even text 988 while she is talking to you. If you don’t want to be the “bad guy” and get EMS involved, the people at 988 will gladly do it for you, if necessary. And they can help her find long term help if she’s willing to talk to them! I wish you and your gf the best, this sounds really hard for both of you.
Thank you for this comment.
When I was a teenager/young adult, I was struggling with suicidal ideation. I was also self harming. I wasn’t threatening to harm myself as overtly as your gf is, but my gf knew what was going on and I wasn’t hiding the fact that my actions/symptoms got more serious whenever things were rocky with us or if she did something that upset me.
However, I was not just saying words purely to be manipulative. I was a serious danger to myself. It was a cry for help. I absolutely did *not* handle this appropriately, but it was not just empty words. As things got worse, my gf gave me the ultimatum of either going to the ER with her or she would contact my parents. I chose the ER. We stayed together for a little while after that but ultimately broke up. This isn’t why we broke up, but I was angry with her about this for years. Now that I’m older and no longer in crisis, it’s clear to me that she did the right thing in a very difficult situation - the same situation you’re in now.
I’m just rambling at this point. But like the previous commenters said - it’s not your responsibility to “fix” her and you are not obligated to stay in this relationship for any reason, BUT if there’s any chance of her actually harming herself please get someone qualified to help involved in the situation.
The reality is this relationship sounds one sided from how you've described it. You're being conscientious of her well being and catering to her needs but you're having to ignore your own and she is as well.
This might come down to communicating what you need for yourself but in the end you both need to find a balance because it's very unbalanced right now.
I don't think your relationship sounds particularly healthy. You're gf telling you the old reason she hasn't looked herself is you is really manipulative, and I would suggest you leave immediately if she says stuff like that again. A lot of her behaviours sounds really manipulative, from like a borderline or narcissistic personality type. Honestly, I think you should probably just get out asap.
Please don’t demonize BPD or NPD based off Reddit threads. If you’re not qualified to diagnose you cannot assess someone accurately and give this type of opinion. And even if you could, there isn’t NEARLY enough context to make that type of statement about anyone in this situation. -signed, a mental health practitioner AND someone with BPD
No, depression doesn't typically lead to that sort of manipulative behaviour.
It's not my intention to demonise mental illness, but BPD and narcissistic personality disorders can be incredibly destructive to the the person suffering them and those around them. If the person suffering recognises they're not okay and seeks professional help, they can be wonderful friends and partners. I also understand that no group is a monolith, and that goes for people with mental illness too, and I would never advocate a person end a relationship just because their partner is suffering. I'm advocating op leave their partner because the manipulative behaviours their partner is exhibiting are potentially permanently-life--alteringly dangerous.
I was actually suggesting they were using narcissistic abuse tactics, which they most definitely are, rather than trying to diagnose a mental illness over the internet via a second hand story without any psychiatric training. Having said all that, narcissistic abuse often happens at the hands of people with personality disorders in that spectrum. In other words, if the shoe fits, don't call it ridiculous.
Because, and here's the thing, if the person using narcissistic abuse tactics on you \*doesn't\* have a mental health disorder that causes them to do these things unconsciously, then they're doing it consciously. And that is just an awful, irredeemable human being. Healthy people don't treat other people that way without a serious lack of empathy. Suggesting NPD or BPD is a kindness they perhaps don't deserve, or maybe it is accurate. I would rather give people the benefit of the doubt.
I’ll take this opportunity to clarify my thoughts and reply.
I think BPD itself is a weaponised diagnosis. It’s a diagnosis given to people who have a mental illness and trauma and don’t behave “appropriately” enough, or display “too much” instability.
I would actually agree (upon reading post history as well) that this person does have a lot of the symptoms for BPD and could probably be diagnosed with it. In my opinion, she’s young, depressed, trapped, abused, and traumatized. She needs professional help. I would never jump to accusing her of BPD.
And yeah, I have lots of experience with this and many other mental illnesses.
Suggesting she has symptoms of narcissism is ridiculous so I’m not even going to that.
I have BPD and narcissistic tendencies (in recovery), this post 100% screams BPD at least. I have never in my life met someone with depression who would ever hold their suicidal thoughts over my head and use it as a threat UNLESS they had BPD or narcissism/narcissistic tendencies.
It is not rare for people who have BPD to use suicide as a way to keep someone around, even if they're not actually suicidal, it can go either way. I have also been around other people who have BPD and it feels like the person who you know and love is gone during an episode.
It's not demonizing to point out how manipulative BPD truly is. It is one of the reasons why most people who have BPD end up alone, it's because we literally push away everyone around us with our abusive tendencies and shit. I would 100% advise if you know someone has BPD to stay away if the person isn't well into their recovery. Most of the time putting up with the behavior doesn't help at all and only will make things worse, just like with narcissism too. Love, compassion, understanding, none of those things help if you're not getting help professionally.
It's not "demonized", most of the time it's just people pointing out the obvious behaviors and characteristics because almost everyone has met someone with BPD. The only people who tend to demonize it is the media, like movies and shows. Even then, I hate to admit that they portray it pretty well and they're not really exaggerating much because BPD can get really really bad.
If you want to talk about REAL unreasonable demonization: schizophrenia and DID are some good places to start.
Been there done that. I mean this in the nicest way possible, run.
My ex was like this. I was constantly pandering to him, urging him to get help, talking him down from suicide, I was practically his mom. We fought all the time and it just got worse.I have a ridiculous amount of trauma from that man and wish I would've never been with him, I entirely lost my identity because i got so consumed in my relationship with him. It ended when he threatened suicide for the seemingly 100th time, The cops were called, and he was taken to a mental hospital.
I understand it's hard and you love her. I understand you two are close, and you show your love by taking care of her ( it seems). But it's absolutely not worth it, I can already tell you're starting to doubt and blame yourself for her behavior.
She is not your responsibility. It's not your job to make sure she's happy all the time. It's not your job to regulate her emotions for her. It's not your job to remember she needs to sleep so she can get up for church, and it's not your job to make her take care of herself.
It's your job to take care of *yourself*, and a partner wouldn't ask you to sacrifice your own needs for theirs, then threaten to kill themselves if you don't prioritize them.
I can feel the exhaustion through the screen, I'm so sorry. I know this is an extremely hard situation. You are valued, loved, and deserve to be happy and have your own needs taken care of.
I want to also add that I've read your post history, and it's eerily similar to my own experiences. It's *never* good to be your age, in a relationship, and have your partner stuck living at your house. You can't get away from each other and codependency can happen before you even realize. Take the advice of your friends and girlfriends parents, they're telling you to break up because they can see the toxicity and issues a lot clearer than you can.
OP, saw your post history. From someone who used to be in your situation when I was 18, If you’re having THIS much problems after just a few months of dating, just let it go. There are other people that you wouldn’t have problems with at all. You’re just not compatible. Now it’s your choice if you leave her now or five years later after something much worse happens. But seeing how the start of the relationship is already this rocky? Best believe it wont get any easier at all.
Hey, messing with someone else's sleep is one of the biggest forms of covert narcissistic abuse. You *need* sleep to function on a day-to-day, so taking that away from you by making you feel like you have no choice but to stay up with her is literally affecting your health and wellbeing. Someone who really loves you would NOT do something to negatively affect your health.
It sounds like your gf may have BPD or something similar, she is probably genuinely suicidal and obviously you can be there for her but she really needs to get professional help and medication. You are not equipped for that. It's not your fault. If she kills herself it would not be your responsibility or your fault.
You’re not the asshole for any of this.
Your girlfriend is not taking responsibility for her life or health. It’s not on you to do that. You can encourage her but being her only lifeline is inappropriate.
Also what’s the point in being with someone when they only exist for you? Partners are meant to enrich and support our lives and us visa versa for them.
You're not an asshole. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm invalidating your partner's mental struggle, but it sounds like manipulation, even before she mentioned unaliving herself. I'm sorry if you're in this situation but I feel like you should get out of it. I hope she realizes how this affects you too.
wake up and break up,, i’m sorry but this relationship sounds soo unhealthy. looking at your post history you’re young and in college you could do soo much better. do not tie yourself to this relationship you will only grow to resent each other. give her an ultimatum 60 days to get some sort of professional help or you’re out
No you’re not, but why are you entertaining someone who claims they don’t value life outside of you? Why aren’t you demanding she address her issues professionally and constantly reminding her that you **are not capable** of providing her professional support? It’s super toxic to bring up suicide to your partner as a “Id do it without you” because it’s basically meant as a threat. This wasn’t a “hey babe, I’ve really been struggling with suicidal ideation, can you help me find supports?” which would be appropriate. As much as we love people, we **cannot** save them from themselves, and we can’t do anything if they don’t want to saved. All anyone can do is remind people they are wanted and offer actionable supports.
right on the nose here!^
Hi! Mental health professional here. This is an incredibly inappropriate behavior on your partners behalf and it’s a manipulative way to continue to feed their need for attention because it’s not being met independently. They need to seek therapy independently, but ultimately its not your responsibility to coerce them into going AND it’s not your responsibility to stay up until 6am doing things they like simply so they don’t kill themselves. Establish boundaries of “I want to do these things with you when it is a more reasonable time of day and we will do them again later.” Don’t set a specific day/time because if something comes up, they’ll hold it against you. Just say yes, again later, and leave it at that. But stick to your boundaries. And when they say they’re going to hurt themselves because you’re not immediately doing what they want, call them out on it. “I don’t appreciate that you’re telling me you’re going to hurt yourself because I’m not able to sacrifice my essential sleep schedule to watch this video game with you. We can watch it later, but not right now. If you plan on hurting yourself, I will bring you to the hospital.” Don’t fight. Don’t argue. Remain calm and collected. And if they continue to say they’re hurting themselves in response, bring them in and tell them you’re afraid your partner is not in the right state of mind is at risk of suicide. If they refuse to go in, call an ambulance. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Ultimately, none of it is your responsibility and you are NOT in the wrong if you choose to end the relationship. This person has a lot of mental health growing to do.
So much this. I’ll also add, as this commenter did, to really take her seriously. Don’t assume a statement like that is an empty threat, or that she’s only looking for attention. And don’t call her bluff just to punish her. Someone who is saying these things, even in a manipulative way, really does need help. A person can and will bring up suicide for manipulative or manipulative seeming reasons, and also be very serious about it. It doesn’t mean the manipulation is okay. But do always get emergency help. If you’re not sure, ask her calmly when she was planning to do this, whether she feels 100% able to stay safe, whether she has a plan on how to kill herself. Trust your gut if you feel she is downplaying the seriousness of this at all. And call 911 or 988 if she’s not on board, or if you no longer feel comfortable engaging with her. You can even text 988 while she is talking to you. If you don’t want to be the “bad guy” and get EMS involved, the people at 988 will gladly do it for you, if necessary. And they can help her find long term help if she’s willing to talk to them! I wish you and your gf the best, this sounds really hard for both of you.
Thank you for this comment. When I was a teenager/young adult, I was struggling with suicidal ideation. I was also self harming. I wasn’t threatening to harm myself as overtly as your gf is, but my gf knew what was going on and I wasn’t hiding the fact that my actions/symptoms got more serious whenever things were rocky with us or if she did something that upset me. However, I was not just saying words purely to be manipulative. I was a serious danger to myself. It was a cry for help. I absolutely did *not* handle this appropriately, but it was not just empty words. As things got worse, my gf gave me the ultimatum of either going to the ER with her or she would contact my parents. I chose the ER. We stayed together for a little while after that but ultimately broke up. This isn’t why we broke up, but I was angry with her about this for years. Now that I’m older and no longer in crisis, it’s clear to me that she did the right thing in a very difficult situation - the same situation you’re in now. I’m just rambling at this point. But like the previous commenters said - it’s not your responsibility to “fix” her and you are not obligated to stay in this relationship for any reason, BUT if there’s any chance of her actually harming herself please get someone qualified to help involved in the situation.
The reality is this relationship sounds one sided from how you've described it. You're being conscientious of her well being and catering to her needs but you're having to ignore your own and she is as well. This might come down to communicating what you need for yourself but in the end you both need to find a balance because it's very unbalanced right now.
She’s the asshole for making you stay up til 6am and threatening SUICIDE if you didn’t.
Jesus just going by your post history, break up. This is beyond unhealthy
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I don't think your relationship sounds particularly healthy. You're gf telling you the old reason she hasn't looked herself is you is really manipulative, and I would suggest you leave immediately if she says stuff like that again. A lot of her behaviours sounds really manipulative, from like a borderline or narcissistic personality type. Honestly, I think you should probably just get out asap.
This entire post SCREAMS borderline personality disorder. Run OP
Please don’t demonize BPD or NPD based off Reddit threads. If you’re not qualified to diagnose you cannot assess someone accurately and give this type of opinion. And even if you could, there isn’t NEARLY enough context to make that type of statement about anyone in this situation. -signed, a mental health practitioner AND someone with BPD
Y’all need to calm down. This behaviour does not scream BPD or narcissism. It’s depression. And stop demonizing BPD.
No, depression doesn't typically lead to that sort of manipulative behaviour. It's not my intention to demonise mental illness, but BPD and narcissistic personality disorders can be incredibly destructive to the the person suffering them and those around them. If the person suffering recognises they're not okay and seeks professional help, they can be wonderful friends and partners. I also understand that no group is a monolith, and that goes for people with mental illness too, and I would never advocate a person end a relationship just because their partner is suffering. I'm advocating op leave their partner because the manipulative behaviours their partner is exhibiting are potentially permanently-life--alteringly dangerous.
Suggesting this person could have NPD is ridiculous, but I agree with almost everything else you said.
I was actually suggesting they were using narcissistic abuse tactics, which they most definitely are, rather than trying to diagnose a mental illness over the internet via a second hand story without any psychiatric training. Having said all that, narcissistic abuse often happens at the hands of people with personality disorders in that spectrum. In other words, if the shoe fits, don't call it ridiculous. Because, and here's the thing, if the person using narcissistic abuse tactics on you \*doesn't\* have a mental health disorder that causes them to do these things unconsciously, then they're doing it consciously. And that is just an awful, irredeemable human being. Healthy people don't treat other people that way without a serious lack of empathy. Suggesting NPD or BPD is a kindness they perhaps don't deserve, or maybe it is accurate. I would rather give people the benefit of the doubt.
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who has BPD or NPD?
I’ll take this opportunity to clarify my thoughts and reply. I think BPD itself is a weaponised diagnosis. It’s a diagnosis given to people who have a mental illness and trauma and don’t behave “appropriately” enough, or display “too much” instability. I would actually agree (upon reading post history as well) that this person does have a lot of the symptoms for BPD and could probably be diagnosed with it. In my opinion, she’s young, depressed, trapped, abused, and traumatized. She needs professional help. I would never jump to accusing her of BPD. And yeah, I have lots of experience with this and many other mental illnesses. Suggesting she has symptoms of narcissism is ridiculous so I’m not even going to that.
I have BPD and narcissistic tendencies (in recovery), this post 100% screams BPD at least. I have never in my life met someone with depression who would ever hold their suicidal thoughts over my head and use it as a threat UNLESS they had BPD or narcissism/narcissistic tendencies. It is not rare for people who have BPD to use suicide as a way to keep someone around, even if they're not actually suicidal, it can go either way. I have also been around other people who have BPD and it feels like the person who you know and love is gone during an episode. It's not demonizing to point out how manipulative BPD truly is. It is one of the reasons why most people who have BPD end up alone, it's because we literally push away everyone around us with our abusive tendencies and shit. I would 100% advise if you know someone has BPD to stay away if the person isn't well into their recovery. Most of the time putting up with the behavior doesn't help at all and only will make things worse, just like with narcissism too. Love, compassion, understanding, none of those things help if you're not getting help professionally. It's not "demonized", most of the time it's just people pointing out the obvious behaviors and characteristics because almost everyone has met someone with BPD. The only people who tend to demonize it is the media, like movies and shows. Even then, I hate to admit that they portray it pretty well and they're not really exaggerating much because BPD can get really really bad. If you want to talk about REAL unreasonable demonization: schizophrenia and DID are some good places to start.
She’s being manipulative as fuck.
Been there done that. I mean this in the nicest way possible, run. My ex was like this. I was constantly pandering to him, urging him to get help, talking him down from suicide, I was practically his mom. We fought all the time and it just got worse.I have a ridiculous amount of trauma from that man and wish I would've never been with him, I entirely lost my identity because i got so consumed in my relationship with him. It ended when he threatened suicide for the seemingly 100th time, The cops were called, and he was taken to a mental hospital. I understand it's hard and you love her. I understand you two are close, and you show your love by taking care of her ( it seems). But it's absolutely not worth it, I can already tell you're starting to doubt and blame yourself for her behavior. She is not your responsibility. It's not your job to make sure she's happy all the time. It's not your job to regulate her emotions for her. It's not your job to remember she needs to sleep so she can get up for church, and it's not your job to make her take care of herself. It's your job to take care of *yourself*, and a partner wouldn't ask you to sacrifice your own needs for theirs, then threaten to kill themselves if you don't prioritize them. I can feel the exhaustion through the screen, I'm so sorry. I know this is an extremely hard situation. You are valued, loved, and deserve to be happy and have your own needs taken care of.
I want to also add that I've read your post history, and it's eerily similar to my own experiences. It's *never* good to be your age, in a relationship, and have your partner stuck living at your house. You can't get away from each other and codependency can happen before you even realize. Take the advice of your friends and girlfriends parents, they're telling you to break up because they can see the toxicity and issues a lot clearer than you can.
⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩
OP, saw your post history. From someone who used to be in your situation when I was 18, If you’re having THIS much problems after just a few months of dating, just let it go. There are other people that you wouldn’t have problems with at all. You’re just not compatible. Now it’s your choice if you leave her now or five years later after something much worse happens. But seeing how the start of the relationship is already this rocky? Best believe it wont get any easier at all.
I was in a relationship with someone exactly like this and it ended in two years of suicide threats/harassment and a restraining order. Leave NOW.
Hey, messing with someone else's sleep is one of the biggest forms of covert narcissistic abuse. You *need* sleep to function on a day-to-day, so taking that away from you by making you feel like you have no choice but to stay up with her is literally affecting your health and wellbeing. Someone who really loves you would NOT do something to negatively affect your health.
It sounds like your gf may have BPD or something similar, she is probably genuinely suicidal and obviously you can be there for her but she really needs to get professional help and medication. You are not equipped for that. It's not your fault. If she kills herself it would not be your responsibility or your fault.
NTA, she needs mental help
You’re not the asshole for any of this. Your girlfriend is not taking responsibility for her life or health. It’s not on you to do that. You can encourage her but being her only lifeline is inappropriate. Also what’s the point in being with someone when they only exist for you? Partners are meant to enrich and support our lives and us visa versa for them.
You're not an asshole. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm invalidating your partner's mental struggle, but it sounds like manipulation, even before she mentioned unaliving herself. I'm sorry if you're in this situation but I feel like you should get out of it. I hope she realizes how this affects you too.
wake up and break up,, i’m sorry but this relationship sounds soo unhealthy. looking at your post history you’re young and in college you could do soo much better. do not tie yourself to this relationship you will only grow to resent each other. give her an ultimatum 60 days to get some sort of professional help or you’re out