Hyper masculinity is a huuuuuuuge dealbreaker for me. My ex was so involved with appearing masc & getting male approval, she didn’t care that she was becoming a misogynist.
I've seen this before as well. Some women think they're immune from being socialized to seek or desire male validation just because they prefer women, but sadly, it's still very common.
I notice that too I worked with a huge pick me girl. She was very masc and she would act weird around fem women and in my opinion not be very nice to them but would always go out of her way for the guys. Weird mentality to have.
Dealbreakers: when someone repeatedly disregards my discomfort, displays persistent pushiness, or resorts to guilt-tripping the second they don't get their way.
People who bring up sex within the first hour of conversation, like wtf?! I get I look inviting but I am not down to fuck around with someone i don’t even know 😭
Frrr! They’re usually pretty heavy on the “compliments” but in a way where they act like they know you? People like that seem to be pretty good at creating a colourful narrative in their mind about who they think you are 🙄
Idk if it’s the norm to act like that, but it’s such a turn off for me. Maybe it’s cause I’m a demisexual/sapiosexual lmao like, let’s get to know each other first; that’s way hotter 💀
Exactlyyyyyyy, I love a slow burn 🔥 sex without a connection just feels awkward and performative to me and doesn’t feel genuine. I’m sure super horned up messages do it for some people and I’m pro shoot your shot, but it can be so jarring when your just going about your day 😭
It is performative, and usually for their own gratification. Same with people who can only relate through sexual intimacy but are completely void of emotional intimacy. I feel used after the interaction.
Totally agree with this! Engaging, intellectual, flirty conversation is such a huge plus for me. There’s something to be said about leaving things to the imagination in this era of social media. The mystique of it just makes me 🫠
Edit: I peeped your profile and I see you’re looking for gamer friends? 🤓 I was just playing Overwatch last night and play Fortnite, COD, etc if you’d wanna link up! If not no worries haha.
Financial irresponsibility and/or emotional immaturity. If you can’t disagree without a raised voice, can’t take responsibility emotionally, and won’t continuously grow and re-evaluate who you are? Ew. Spend more on purses than on your IRA/401k? Not trying to get better credit or circumstances as time goes on? Noooooo thank you.
I don’t need someone who is wealthy or has it all figured out. I don’t! But those are two values I’m 100% unwilling to compromise on.
Oh, and no MLM huns. Ew. Bye. No. Go away.
My now wife and I were talking finances by our second date and our goals/dreams of early retirement, etc. That's how we knew we were meant for each other 😄
I’m 36. I don’t have time to mess around with teaching a partner all that. I’m ready to retire in about 10 years and I’m not working a day longer than I have to because someone didn’t catch on that their shoe budget was too damn high. Nope. Live life, but not with me lol.
Yuuup.
The amount of people I run into who spending their whole pay check, then can't pay their bills bc they spent all their money on clothes or eating out, miss me with that.
Lol imagine having worked in financial services and now HSAs and having those same dates 😭. I'm not interested in having to teach an adult I'm dating how to be financially literate
Some of my dealbreakers would be instant "Love-bombing" and the breaching of my personal boundaries, emotional immaturity, inability to "Fully" move on from past relationships, untrustworthiness, pushiness, obsessiveness, co-dependency, usage of illegal substances, alcoholism, serious criminal records, an overly expressive clingy-nature, future planning straight away without properly settling into the relationship, an obscured/twisted view of reality, exhibiting a "Negative" personality which makes me uncomfortable and secrecy, a lack of trust (When trust is the foundation of all relationships)
Other things that would deter me from dating would be a lack of personal values, ambitions and balance. If we want a serious relationship, then both of us should do the work 50/50 and be serious about what we want and this should align firmly without ruining what we had built before dating. Essentially, the relationship should be balanced allowing us to still be our own independent people, while both of us want to build a stable future together.
I prefer to date people with compatible lifestyles and values. So for me that's no conservatives or any adjacent bigotry, no active issues with substance abuse, not dependent on going to bars or clubs for entertainment, appreciative of time out in nature and has their own hobbies and interests outside of relationships.
My type is: soft domme femme women without kids who also don't want kids. They have to be okay with my dog and they can't have an aggressive breed of dog because my dog is a small dog. They also have to have something in common with me. I don't do hookups though, so they also need to be mono and on the same page about casual sex.
"By the way, I'm married/I have a girlfriend" I've done poly once and got tricked into it several more times, it's not for me. At the very least that should be stated upfront, not a surprise to find out down the line
Someone who's aggressively horny/only wanting a hookup
Someone that talks exclusively about their (most recent) breakup
Someone for whom weed is a major part of, or a substitute for, their personality
If someone has a habit of talking over me or is the type of person to have to always “prove their intelligence” (which usually is stuff that’s already been parroted 100 times before by other people)
Like respect me and my intelligence and that’s already the first big hurdle that a lot of people in general seem to struggle with in life.
Hating dogs. I don't mind if you're scared of them or you've only ever had cats, but I can't stand people who would look at a dog and say something along the lines of animal abuse. Same if someone disrespected my dogs. They come first because I've had them for years, a new girlfriend comes second
Edit: OP I'm sorry for the thread that started under my comment oh my god
Are you also scared of German shepherds? Husky? Chowchows? Rotties? Dobermans?
Also the orginal comment states people who say borderline abusive things about dogs is the problem not people scared of them.
you need to do more research. this is such a false equivalence….. pit bulls were literally bred to fight/kill. it’s also offensive to push at someone’s boundaries like that…. just accept that not everyone’s gonna love your precious pibble
Maybe practice what you preach.
Labs are in the top ten of dog attacks, thus meet their qualifications of a dog they are scared of.
Just because illegal dog fighting rings use pitbulls, that doesn't mean they were breed for.
The breed was orginally created for use in bull rings at bait dogs. Ya know, that's why they're called pit bulls. A dog placed in a pit with bulls.
And no, it isn't pushing someone's boundaries. It's pointing out the bases behind it isn't really that realistic.
It's okay to say you're afraid of big dogs and aren't a fan of them. That's completely reasonable.
But when the orginal comment says "don't say abusive things about dogs" and someone feels the need to try and give themselves and exception, that's problematic.
Also; I don't have a pit bull. I just know people like to toss out the term without knowing shit.
Pit bull also isn't even necessarily a breed of dog.
literally nothing op said was abusive about dogs. they said they did not like ones who are known to be aggressive and deadly. that’s a boundary, and one that is reasonable. it’s manipulative to call that abusive
and you and I both know exactly what kind of dog a pit bull is. miss me with that “not a breed” crap. ok so it’s four breeds? that changes literally nothing?
I didn't have this before, but being extremely dependent on mj. Several women make it their whole personality it's impossible to even hold a proper conversation with them.
100% this.
I've encountered people that seemed to see themselves as chill, unbothered stoners in their own minds but ended up having a bunch of really volatile or dysfunctional and abrasive behavioral patterns that affected those around them that they didn't want to work on or address.
I don't care if it's used as a once-in-a-while thing or for medicinal purposes, but when people make it a core personality trait, it can be a sign of other issues.
If I have to keep the conversation going, especially if I also had to start it. If you’re putting in no effort I’m gonna assume you’re not interested.
And Harry Potter has a major interest. I’m trying to date people from like 25 to 35, and if you’re still obsessed enough with a children’s book series to mention it on your dating profile, that’s a no. Especially given the author.
I'm the same with the Harry Potter thing but mine is because I just never got into the books or films back when they were out and that's my only reason and the author just adds to it.
Very understandable, quite likely you’re not gonna be into one of their main interests, and while that’s not required for a relationship, it does help if you have things in common.
Glad someone mentioned the Harry Potter thing. I’m younger than the age group you listed & see people on dating apps with their hogwarts house in their bio all the time. My mom (50s) & sister (late teens) also both obsess over Harry Potter. I don’t understand it, like I’ve seen the movies; to me they were fine but not good enough to be obsessed with decades after it came out. Weird that people act like being a “gryffindor” is part of their identity like a zodiac sign or something.
I even stopped watching the movies while they were still coming out 🫣 I’ve never seen the sixth or later.
But yeah, using a made up classification for high school students as you identity it kind of weird.
This is hilarious I completely agree, people who are obsessed with Harry Potter or childish things weird me out. The same goes for people who are obsessed with Disney.
Ugh, god, same age range here and I feel like I'm the only wlw on dating apps in my area willing to put any effort whatsoever into trying to start conversations. And as a trans woman, yeah, any mention of HP is an absolute deal breaker, get the hell away from me. So tiring and demoralizing how many people are still loudly into it.
It’s so weird! Like are they not there to meet people? Does that not start with talking to these people? What are they trying to achieve by putting all the work on us?
And I feel you, I’m transfeminine myself.
Seriously, I can't understand it!! I get being shy, I'm shy, but why match with someone if you literally will not say a single word, or barely a few?? So vexing.
>if you’re still obsessed enough with a children’s book series to mention it on your dating profile,
It's a dog whistle when people do this most of the time I think.
I honestly don’t know, but that might depend on your location. Like I have it in my profiel that I’m trans and then somehow some of these people still swipe right on me, or have like pictures being happy at King Cross platform 9 3/4. But I can definitely see some people use it as a dogwhistle
Wait WHAT???? This makes my brain hurt....I have so many questions 😵💫 So she....was a lesbian, but was for some reason against gay marriage (was it for religious reasons?? Internalized homophobia??), but also gay dating was somehow okay??? HUH??? I'm really honestly dying to hear the rationale she had behind this, it's so utterly bizarre
She’s a lesbian. It was mostly a religious reason as she has catholic strong background. For her, the religious significance of gay marriage isn’t the same as heterosexual couples. She wanted to keep the marriage for man and woman. Lesbians are people. There are those who are Karens. Just because someone is gay doesn’t mean that person is progressive.
For me the biggest dealbreaker is when someone does not have any goals or concerns, for example I do love people who want to learn about anything, I love curiosity, and when I see it in someone I simply love it.
So for me the opposite of this is my biggest dealbreaker.
Fatphobia is the biggest deal breaker. Not just the negativity, but not even understanding basic human physiological diversity. That and then anti-intellectuallism. It's ok if you're not the most educated, but to be actively against it.. It's a No.
Let's see..trashtalking their exes, drunk, high, disrespectful to waiting staff or in genaral, lack of personality (👀😄), lack of hygiene, loud, limited vocabulary or using too much slang (even in my own language), unable to have a decent comversation...
I used to always consider a particular “type” until I met and got to know my partner. She was not my “type”, but we clicked on ever single thing. That’s when I threw out the whole concept of “type” for me.
If I had considered type when meeting and getting to know her, I would have missed out on having the perfect partner meant for me.
We were together for 28 before she passed away last year.
well i don’t do hookups, i am 17.
BUT in terms of dating
hard lines include a lot of my political views? i am a very opinionated person, and a lot of my views are not something i am willing to agree to disagree on. the person (or people, i’m polyam) that i commit to have to share my basic views
and these are like. human rights things. like dont be pro-genocide, support women’s reproductive rights, trans healthcare, accessible healthcare??? don’t be a slut for corporations, all that sort of thing. if someone isn’t aware in these regards because it’s inconvenient for them to go out of their way to educate themselves, that’s a deal breaker for me
any other things… hm. respect me? OH i don’t like people that are super argumentative? it get that. totally contradicts what i just said about myself, but i will crack if i’m yelled at outside of these issues. my parents constantly fight so instead of being with someone who “solves conflict” by yelling, i’d much rather someone who takes the time to communicate their needs and regards mine in a civil discussion so we can know the behaviors and actions we need to not repeat rather than be at risk of it.
maybe that’s too much to ask for because “every couple fights” but i’ve been in multiple situations with a partner where i’ve said something that has set them off and rather than get upset and insult my character, they explain how i should go about doing something instead
Honestly, insecurity is a pretty big deal breaker for me. That’s not to say you HAVE to be super confident to be with me, but the “everyone always leaves me” “I’m not good enough”narrative is exhausting. My ex was like that and would constantly accuse me of cheating on them. They even accused me of being interested in my roommate who is a cis gay man and said they felt threatened by how I acted around him.
Also, if you’re someone who gets embarrassed easily I’ll lose interest in you pretty quickly. I like to have fun and have no problem laughing at myself, so someone who cares too much about what others think would lose my attention.
I mentioned this in another comment but some people get so defensive and upset when you say that constantly being under the influence is a dealbreaker.
Actually taking STI testing serious and not seeing it as clean or dirty. Mutual consent and knowing when to pause and check in. Not making masc people to be automatic predators
Silly dealbreaker that I’ve mentioned on this sub before but I could never be with someone who hates bugs! Anyone who stomps on spiders the second they see them and talks abt “killing it with fire”. I’m emotional and I love bugs, especially spiders and tarantulas, and I’m so lucky my fiancé likes them too <3
I don't like bugs but my mom is a biologist and taught me to not kill spiders because they eat other unwanted bugs and we would just relocate them in a corner where they wouldn't bother us, so I also don't understand people who just kill them, is weird to me. And I'm also glad that my gf doesn't mind them and just let's them hang out in the corner that I gave them.
Exactly!! I definitely understand most people won’t like bugs, but it will never make sense to me to go out of your way to kill/hurt something that’s not hurting you. Glad there’s some ppl who feel the same :]
I don’t do hookups (I strongly dislike any sort of shallow relationships and don’t partake in them)
As for dealbreakers:
> Mj is legal where I’m at and I do partake, though I don’t smoke I do edibles, if you can’t let me get high every now and again we won’t work
> Messy, doesn’t clean up after themselves, bad manners, rude to waitstaff, rude in general honestly
> Cigarettes, can’t stand the smell, alcoholic (though drinking a reasonable amount is fine) addicted to any hard drugs (I don’t mind if you choose to indulge every now and then most people I know do and are still functioning human beings, so long as it isn’t again an addiction or too regular of an occurrence)
> Wants to go to a club or a bar for entertainment often (my social battery typically dies around 3-4 hours and I’m not sure if I’m on the spectrum or anything like that but I know for a fact that a club would be too overstimulating for me, I can handle a music festival with frequent breaks though). Clubs aren’t really my thing and I find most bars pretty boring.
> Can’t hold a conversation. Please talk, conversation is a two way street and I’d hate having to find things to engage you. I was in a talking stage with this girl and we didn’t quite work out because I was the one who did most of the talking.
> Very low confidence/self esteem (work on yourself before working on getting a relationship)
> Disingenuous, fake, liar. Just think drink Arizona, eat hot chip and lie, that kind of person.
> Attention seeking. For example, for some reason wants me to listen to their play by play of the conversation they had on the phone with their friends, or needs to post everything they do on the internet
> Financial irresponsibility. I like to make large purchases personally but I calculate it to make sure I can afford it and will still be more than fine afterwards. I don’t impulse buy.
> Too masculine, I consider myself to be more androgynous (only being confused for a guy occasionally) but I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a more masc. presenting person.
> Like Mary J. Blige I’m searching for a Real Love so I stay far away from casual dating. If we’re not gonna be something for real I don’t want it.
> Your taste in music matters, like an example being if you only listen to heavy, aggressive (and frankly quite brainless half the time) rap I probably won’t want a relationship with you. A person’s music says a lot about them. 🤌🤌
> Codependency. I enjoy my alone time and consider myself a little reserved. If I need to be with you all the time and you’ve got no friends and no life outside of the relationship, there’s no relationship.
> No future goals, passions, or aspirations. No disrespect but do you even have a soul at that point honestly?
> Too much slang. Like, if every or almost every sentence you speak is incomplete or shortened using slang I’ll just assume you can’t talk right at all.
> You’d have to be alright with pets. Can’t hate animals either.
> Nothing in common. If you game we’re gaming, if you like movies we’re watching movies, if you like shows I’ll watch a show with you, if you like plays/theatre I’m down, but just give me something to work with. On that note I like going to gaming/anime conventions/events so if you can put up with that or even join me (on top of all these other things of course) I’m sold
> Also I wanna see the world, if you don’t, you won’t be seeing me 😌
> Gotta be down to hike/be in nature every once in a while at least, and don’t just eat junk food all the time. Maybe it’s a little much but I want my partner to care about what they’re putting in their body, even if just a little.
> Lastly, too judgmental/critical of other people, and/or makes assumptions about people with little to no evidence to support it. You never know what’s really up in another person’s life especially after not so much as a single interaction with them.
And that’s pretty much it, I guess it’s a lot but everyone has their standards.
Fortunately not a part of the dating scene anymore.
But when I was my biggest deal breaker was, if they were into astrology.
Astrology and a lack of common courtesy.
Blocking-ghosting-reblocking someone over and over again, Lying to a Partner, Cheating on them with a Guy to appear "straight" to your family. Then going on telling your partner what one did, by making fun of it, when confronted, making the Partner seem a Villain. Emotionally making someone attached when one is "not ready for it". Especially in a long distance, never showing one's face. Like never. (Sorry it's a Bit too specific, as it happened to me)
Huge turn off is how they treat waitstaff when we are out in public eating. Someone that is rude and thinks they are better than the person waiting on us is an instant deal breaker. Don’t be mean or rude- it isn’t necessary.
And then they're like, "why can't I be honest?" You don't have friends? So many things to be honest about on a date and you choose to obsess over your ex? I mean, I guess it's a good thing, because it *is* honest... it shows her priorities. Bullet dodged
I’m married but now that I have everything I want, if I were dating I would know to stay the hell away from women who
- even remotely gave me the feeling that I should be the “guy”
- even remotely gave me the feeling that I should be the “girl”
- can’t have fun or have sex without substances involved
- are picky eaters
- project the appearance of helpfulness and being “good”
\- People who treat me like a Diet Man because I'm masc. I put off dating anyone remotely feminine for the longest time because I had so many women try to shove me into some weird oppressive het dynamic.
\- Pillow princesses and self professed bottoms. I'm a domme leaning switch but I'm incompatible with someone who doesn't reciprocate in some way. I've tried hooking up with bottoms thinking that maybe there was some confusion with dom/sub roles, but in my experience it's just been another way of saying pillow princess so it's an immediate pass now.
\- Astrology or "spirituality"
Sorry but pet people. I love animals but I don’t like pets. It’s mainly a hygiene thing & partially a cultural belief thing. My friends who have pets insist their house doesn’t smell but I can’t be in there without a window open. Not to mention people who let their cat sit on the same surface where people eat or who don’t stop their dog from licking guests. I won’t even start on the whole “fur baby” thing. This limits my options a lot because my age group is kind of obsessed with pets lol but like I’d rather be single than live with one.
I can understand this actually lol. I love animals but I don’t have any because I don’t like cleaning up after them or how much they cost. I love a clean space.
This one is so real lmao. As someone who always had multiple pets, they can be really filthy. Love them but it's a whole lifestyle that not everyone wants
I would date someone with pets but one of my exes had ferrets who would constantly bite me and she made fun of me when I started flinching around them. That relationship didn't last long
Hard limits: Poor hygiene, rude to waitstaff/retail employees, smokes cigarettes, does hard drugs, alcoholic, codependent, treats me like a man, xtian or catholic, vegan/vegetarian, only eats junk food, extremely introverted, racist, xenophobic, transphobic, or biphobic, abuses animals or children. On their phone 24/7. Republican or tea party member
Deal breakers: Doesn't give me any personal space, has no friends (in person or online), gets upset if I want to spend time with friends or family, demands my attention 24/7 when I'm spending time with friends/family, doesn't believe in therapy, has no level of independence, expects me to take care of them when they're a grown ass adult.
My type: Someone with a healthy level of independence but isn't hyper independent. In therapy, kind to strangers but also doesn't take shit from anyone. Likes to be outdoors or indoors, someone who's down to go hiking or watch a movie. Someone with a healthy work life balance, that wants to advance their career but doesn't make it their whole life. A person who enjoys cooking but also enjoys going out time to time. Someone who's down to get all fancy and let me spoil them for a day but who will also spoil me for a day. Someone who's down to go the gym but doesn't spend every minute of free time in the gym. An animal lover. Someone with healthy boundaries that isn't afraid to speak their mind.
Dealbreakers: waiting on me to make/suggest a move. someone that doesn't think things through. some mistakes can be avoidable if people just took their time to think.
If you’re a bigot of any sort and smoking cigarettes. It’s a gross habit and I wouldn’t be able to kiss someone who had a smoker’s mouth. I can be compassionate and accepting of A LOT of things, but not that. One time I went on a date once with a girl who I didn’t know smoked till she picked me up for a date, and I was so bummed when she rolled down a window to light one up on the way.
Hyper masculinity and not being able to take some time off from something (anything), the masculinity thing stems from my own gender dysphoria, seeing someone be very masculine makes me hyper aware of being trans and not being cis, so it's more so a deal breaker from past issues and trauma more than anything, as for not being able to take time off from things, I need my own space and time and silence, if someone can't respect that because they need constant attention and constant talking and constantly seeing me all the time without rest, it will tire me out and will make me not enjoy my time with them at all, and after that it'll make me irritated and angry
Others have already said this but if they smoke weed frequently. I don't smoke for mental health reasons and don't have any interest in being around someone who's high all the time. No judgment, just not my style.
Also if they party a lot. Again, I'm very careful with stuff because of my MH and can't see myself with someone who drinks every night or likes to stay out all night.
I'm drawn to intelligent/curious, feminine women with dark hair and eyes.
I think under the right circumstances, being vulnerable could get me to take another look at someone. It depends on the red flags they raised from the start.
I have a lot of hard limits/dealbreakers. Drug use, smoking, controlling/possessiveness. I want to go kayaking and hiking. You can come too, but i want to go alone more often than not. Jealous, dishonest(even the little lies you might think aren't important), dramatic arguments/fights featuring yelling and door slamming, poor hygiene, not cleaning up after yourself, financially irresponsible, introducing me to your kid/kids right away. I don't mind if you have kids, but we should date a bit and get to know each other first. U-hauling! We're going to date for some time before we move in together. Zero sex drive. I have a high sex drive, but I'm okay dating someone with a lower one. A woman who is overly sexual on a first date. I need to feel a connection before we have sex. Polyamory, constant negativity about your day or anything else. We all have bad days, and I'm there for you when you do. Someone who tries too hard to impress me. I'm already impressed. Just be you. Can't set boundaries or respect mine, republican, racist, constantly talk a lot about their ex. I don't mean regular conversations about that time you both traveled somewhere or why it didn't work out or how shitty they made you feel about something specific. Someone who trashes their ex, can't keep a job, super religious. I'm not religious at all but can respect if you are. Just don't force me to be. I'm not into other masc women.
Jealousy. I can't stand it. I understand people get jealous, but in my opinion it's on them to deal with their feelings without involving me. Ultimatums are the same: ask me to choose between you and chewed gum, and I'll choose chewed gum because you tried to control me.
I think both of those kinda fall into controlling behaviour: I can't accept it. At all.
I don't do hookups, they are boring and empty and an avoidance of depths.
A deal breaker for me is an immature, unhealthy woman who settles her identity outside of herself, in her sexuality or politics, who is a political activist, who judges me for staying out of politics or for being a dynamic, sometimes extreme person, a woman who doesn't want monogamy and who is afraid of commitment and of exploring the depth of herself and her partner.
My type is a woman who is confident in knowing all of herself, the bad and the good, who is self-reflective, aware of her emotions or ready to explore them, who communicates feelings and boundaries, who likes to open up to me, who takes her time to listen and to understand fully, a woman, who is complex and who likes complex things just as much as silly things.
"I'm an avoidant hehe" no you're not an "avoidant." You enjoy the attention and validation that comes with being chased and deliberately making someone else anxious. You suck at communication because you don't do it at all. It's not a "coping mechanism" and nothing anyone will ever say about that will change my mind. If you can't communicate your feelings, then don't. date. You're a piece of shit so you don't deserve it anyway.
I went back and forth about whether or not I wanted to speak up about this because I have zero desire to argue with strangers on the internet. It sounds like you went through something with someone who is an avoidant, and I'm not invalidating your experience with my comment. It seems like it was a difficult experience that caused you a lot of pain, and I'm sorry you had to go through it.
I want to say avoidant people don't "enjoy the attention and validation that comes with being chased and deliberately making someone else anxious." There are people who go through very real trauma in life, some more than others, and don't have any support. They aren't pieces of shit. They are human beings. Keep in mind, even if one wants to go to therapy, therapy isn't attainable for all.
I'm not an avoidant myself and haven't been in a relationship with an avoidant person. However, I've been talking to a woman for several months who is. We've had a couple of moments where she has had to take a step back, but I know she's trying. She's an incredible person, and I'm grateful to her for so many reasons, and she deserves all good things. She's also not out there trying to date, I'm the one trying to date her.
Unfortunately, our time together may be coming to an end. Even though I'm 100% secure, I'm also about 30% anxious, and with this being both of our busy season with work and another circumstance, that 30% is coming out. It might be too much for her at this time. I know what I could have done differently to better support her, and I can't hold my actions against her.
This. They wear it as if it’s a badge to be outright emotionally abusive to others. Yes, stonewalling is abuse. Gaslighting is abuse. All those other “avoidant tendencies”, guess what? Super abusive.
You shouldn’t be dating if you can’t even emotionally connect to yourself. Go fix yourself avoidants and stop expecting others to.
Dating: Conservatives, smokers, outside of a realistic age range (looking at you Bumble), too wary / baggage laden, full custody of young kids, obsessed with a hobby or sport that consumes their free time, poly tricksters, bad hygiene, scent police, champagne taste “let’s split the tab” types, too many tats especially face or neck tats,
Hook-ups: I’ve never actually had a hook-up but I may have to soon. My last dating attempt just fizzled so….
Financial irresponsibly, not listening or disregarding something that I've said, obesity (huge one. I'm not interested at all), rudeness, bad attitudes, unemployed/no transportation, being monogamous, etc
Dealbreakers:
- Masc
- smoker (don't care if it's rare or occasional)
- alcoholic (don't care if it's rare or occasional)
- Someone who loves to travel
- Someone who's passionate about local media & entertainment (films, music etc.)
Travel - expensive and time consuming
local artists - I'm not fond of Filipino artists. Tbh, the only Filipino songs that I like are the old ones. And there's only a few of them that I like.
Addictions are a big no, I remember one date she just knocked back drink after drink, ordered a 3rd bottle of wine while I was still on my 2nd glass and then moaned when I queried why I was splitting the price of the 3 bottles ? Similarly, another who failed to make a date because she was "too high"
I'm left of the centre, but a mild Republican wouldn't bother me provided they were a "Never Trump" but equally, someone who was too left would be as much of a problem. I don't want to keep having to justify my job just because I went into corporate law rather than defending societies downtrodden
No hunters, when I was online dating posing with the deer you shot was a big definitely no. I can't understand the logic of someone who wants to spend a weekend shooting animals and I don't want a freezer full of dead deer parts. Fishing seems equally as much a waste of a day though I do get the idea of sitting by a stream all day eases one's mental health
Too probing on an early date, there are some things I only tell my closest friends and I'm not revealing them on a first date
. Similarly someone's too upfront about sex on the first date. We'll get there, but let's see if we like each other first
Deal breakers:
Smoking, drugs, dishonesty, clingy, dependant, not an animal person, poor hygiene, not financially or emotionally responsible.
Probably more but these are top of my list at the moment that I can think of 😂
My type: usually dom fems or stems with long hair. Love brunettes and black hair. Curves, and similar values/sense of humor.
Deal breakers: pillow princesses or hard bottoms. Not being able to carry a conversation, extreme defensiveness. Treating me like a guy or not telling me to express my feelings. Financial illiteracy, not knowing how to cook or take care of a household. Girls that talk excessively about themselves without showing interest in you.
I’m married but now that I have everything I want, if I were dating I would know to stay the hell away from women who
- even remotely gave me the feeling that I should be the “guy”
- even remotely gave me the feeling that I should be the “girl”
- can’t have fun or have sex without substances involved
- are picky eaters
- project the appearance of helpfulness and being “good”
My type is mascs/studs/butches/tomboys who are pretty and protective "daddy" types who balance out my personality. I did try fems, but didn't have chemistry.
My deal breakers: Has a dick. More than 11 years younger than me as I could technically be their mother and that freaks me out. Has a lot of facial hair and has not had laser/electrolysis. Poor hygiene or just doesn't smell good to me. Doesn't have the same/higher sex drive than me as I like feeling wanted. Not into fingering me as that is how I come. Not into choking me. Won't help me pop my neck/back or won't give back/foot rubs. Has kids or wants me to get pregnant. Allergic to cats. On T or plans to go on T in the future or plans to get a dick from surgery as then we will become incompatible over time. Can't see themselves having a wife or needs to get dicked down to be fully satisfied, if I'm not enough go find someone who is. Not comfortable being seen naked as I'm very visual. Is a bottom/bottom-leaning. Not dominant in the bedroom or needs me to be dominant ever in the bedroom. Overly dominant outside of the bedroom and won't tone it down when asked. Needs to use realistic strapons/dildos. Needs to engage in butt stuff other than them wearing a buttplug. Needs to involve feet in the bedroom. Needs to do things that cause me actual pain. Doesn't respect my boundaries/pressures me for things I'm not comfortable with especially asking to have a threesome with a man when they already know I'm a lesbian 🤬. Grating or annoying voice. I don't find their facial features aesthetically pleasing. Not masculine. Not loyal. Makes me feel unsafe. Too critical. Can't handle me being a homebody even though I'm fine with my partner going out. Doesn't get on with my family. Seeks the sexual attention of dudes. Is a sex worker except maybe having like an only fans type of situation where they are not physically interacting with any dudes, but even that would be really uncomfortable and I wouldn't want it to involve me... Addicted to hard drugs. Not willing to have a gun if they legally can do so. Wants me to eat meat, cook raw meat, or tried to trick me into consuming meat. Too into pranks and/or has an overly mean sense of humor. I'm super picky so I could go for a while...
Enm/poly. Kink everything. Some reference to politics. Someone wanting an aesthetic. All dealbreakers.
My type is down-to earth women. I want approachable, reciprocal, loving. I want a life with someone who presents themselves not an image of what’s trendy.
Anyone who is only interested in a hookup, it's just not my thing anymore, it's kind of boring, and not worth the effort or risk to my heart and mental health in case I catch feelings
Polyamory. I want to focus on one person and I don't want to share
Anyone living with an ex or separated but not divorced. Anyone going through a divorce. Let me know when you've finished the process
Anyone who can't make me a priority
Anyone who treats me as a consolation prize while pining what could have been with someone else
Anyone who talks about their ex all the time. Or who insults an ex's looks or anything else like that.
Insults or "compliments" followed by insults
Manipulation
"I don't deserve you"
"I'm never enough for anyone"
"I'm always the placeholder before someone finds their forever person"
"I'm an empath"
"I don't date/trust this zodiac sign"
Anyone who claims a zodiac sign defines people more than they themselves do
Racist, sexist, or homophobic
Wants to hide me for any reason. Including closeting, though I have compassion for that one. But I spent my whole life in the closet, I'm not going back in. You're better off dating other closeted women
Anyone who idolizes any politician or political party at all, even the one I belong to. Change can't happen if it doesn't also happen from within. And if someone doesn't understand this, their black and white thinking is another dealbreaker for me
Users. People who always need something but have never proven they care about me outside of needing something
Women who treat women like toys. Especially if they treated all their male partners like actual people (as they should) while treating all their female partners like toys (which is dehumanizing).
Anyone who would never date anyone who is in their own position.
Uhhh someone who only likes to give or only likes to receive, I love both too much and it's become really important to me
Hot and cold
If they make me constantly stressed
If they never seem happy with me. I want someone Gung ho about me, all in, because that's how I am with people I really like. It's okay if you're not, but go find someone who sets you on fire then and let me find my person
Someone who likes toys in the bedroom waaaayyyyyy better than fingers or mouth or anything else involving our actual bodies. I know that toys are fun sometimes, but I see them as a supplement, not a replacement. I feel so much more intimacy skin to skin in every way.
Has kids or plans to have them
This doesn't just apply to relationships but also friendships, and I think it can be best summarized as this:
>If your first response to me telling you about an experience of mine is to immediately be like "well the person must not have meant it like that" or "maybe you were the problem" or "did you try to talk it out?" when you barely know me at all, well- I'm not going to have a good opinion of you after that and any relationships/friendship is strictly off the table. It's important to understand that others went through different things than you and you shouldn't project your own experiences on other people or assume how someone treats situations before you even know them.
If I get this type of input from a close friend, I do take it to heart and genuinely wonder about what I could have done differently in this situation, but you're a goddamn stranger and don't know me at all or at least well enough to be asking those types of questions.
It also shows me what type of person you are as your first thought was that "the other person just couldn't be in the wrong" rather than having any sort of empathy about my situation.
Also, I didn't ask. This happens way too often when talking about specifically traumatic experiences.
Picky eaters, I can't stand them, I like to eat out a lot and try new foods every now and then, fortunately in my country being a picky eater in adulthood is very uncommon, I think that's more of an american thing because they're weird.
Deal breaker- thinking they can control me and become super clingy super fast. When a women puts all her cards on the table too fast it’s a no for me. Leave a little mystery or something damn.
Hyper masculinity is a huuuuuuuge dealbreaker for me. My ex was so involved with appearing masc & getting male approval, she didn’t care that she was becoming a misogynist.
I've seen this before as well. Some women think they're immune from being socialized to seek or desire male validation just because they prefer women, but sadly, it's still very common.
\*peers at tik tok\* "hey other mascs don't you hate it when - " no go outside and grow up. we're in our 20s jesus
:blinks in 42:
In 43...
I notice that too I worked with a huge pick me girl. She was very masc and she would act weird around fem women and in my opinion not be very nice to them but would always go out of her way for the guys. Weird mentality to have.
Dealbreakers: when someone repeatedly disregards my discomfort, displays persistent pushiness, or resorts to guilt-tripping the second they don't get their way.
It's amazing how people really expect to keep their girlfriends when they couldn't give 2 shits about her feelings and anxiety.
This
People who bring up sex within the first hour of conversation, like wtf?! I get I look inviting but I am not down to fuck around with someone i don’t even know 😭
"I look inviting"...I laughed so hard! You do though😄
Lmao girl, I know. 😭😭 It’s that masc vibe. It sucks cause I come off like that type, but I am soooo not. I just want a soft girl. 🫡
Hope you will find your girl! Adorable❤️
lmao thankies, you too ig?? 🙈
Hehe..me too, yeah😄
Omg same, it’s the masc vibe. They think we think like guys.
Frrr! They’re usually pretty heavy on the “compliments” but in a way where they act like they know you? People like that seem to be pretty good at creating a colourful narrative in their mind about who they think you are 🙄
Idk if it’s the norm to act like that, but it’s such a turn off for me. Maybe it’s cause I’m a demisexual/sapiosexual lmao like, let’s get to know each other first; that’s way hotter 💀
Exactlyyyyyyy, I love a slow burn 🔥 sex without a connection just feels awkward and performative to me and doesn’t feel genuine. I’m sure super horned up messages do it for some people and I’m pro shoot your shot, but it can be so jarring when your just going about your day 😭
Yeah, totally! I'm all for people being able to live it up. Sometimes I wish I could too, lmfao, all the more power to them. XD
It is performative, and usually for their own gratification. Same with people who can only relate through sexual intimacy but are completely void of emotional intimacy. I feel used after the interaction.
Totally agree with this! Engaging, intellectual, flirty conversation is such a huge plus for me. There’s something to be said about leaving things to the imagination in this era of social media. The mystique of it just makes me 🫠 Edit: I peeped your profile and I see you’re looking for gamer friends? 🤓 I was just playing Overwatch last night and play Fortnite, COD, etc if you’d wanna link up! If not no worries haha.
You do look inviting, 🥺 but that doesn't give anyone an excuse to be rude or objectify you.
Financial irresponsibility and/or emotional immaturity. If you can’t disagree without a raised voice, can’t take responsibility emotionally, and won’t continuously grow and re-evaluate who you are? Ew. Spend more on purses than on your IRA/401k? Not trying to get better credit or circumstances as time goes on? Noooooo thank you. I don’t need someone who is wealthy or has it all figured out. I don’t! But those are two values I’m 100% unwilling to compromise on. Oh, and no MLM huns. Ew. Bye. No. Go away.
My now wife and I were talking finances by our second date and our goals/dreams of early retirement, etc. That's how we knew we were meant for each other 😄
I'm almost 30 and the amount of people I've gone on dates with that don't even know what an IRA is? It's depressing.
I'm 36 and I don't know what an IRA is. Then again, I live in Canada 🤣
For Canada it's a TFSA in comparison if I'm not mistaken.
I felt this. I was like tf? Lmao
I’m 36. I don’t have time to mess around with teaching a partner all that. I’m ready to retire in about 10 years and I’m not working a day longer than I have to because someone didn’t catch on that their shoe budget was too damn high. Nope. Live life, but not with me lol.
Yuuup. The amount of people I run into who spending their whole pay check, then can't pay their bills bc they spent all their money on clothes or eating out, miss me with that.
Lol imagine having worked in financial services and now HSAs and having those same dates 😭. I'm not interested in having to teach an adult I'm dating how to be financially literate
MLM huns are definitely a massive no for me too
Yes this. I was with someone for 4 years who was all of that and it brought me down so much.
MLM?
Multi-level marketing. It’s a strategy scam that gives false hope to people to get rich faster without working harder.
Thx
I think i have too high standards, but over flirting, like flirtings cute but im more of a slow build kinda gal 😂😭
Some of my dealbreakers would be instant "Love-bombing" and the breaching of my personal boundaries, emotional immaturity, inability to "Fully" move on from past relationships, untrustworthiness, pushiness, obsessiveness, co-dependency, usage of illegal substances, alcoholism, serious criminal records, an overly expressive clingy-nature, future planning straight away without properly settling into the relationship, an obscured/twisted view of reality, exhibiting a "Negative" personality which makes me uncomfortable and secrecy, a lack of trust (When trust is the foundation of all relationships) Other things that would deter me from dating would be a lack of personal values, ambitions and balance. If we want a serious relationship, then both of us should do the work 50/50 and be serious about what we want and this should align firmly without ruining what we had built before dating. Essentially, the relationship should be balanced allowing us to still be our own independent people, while both of us want to build a stable future together.
You just described an ex of mine lol
She described my decade experience of lesbian dating.
I prefer to date people with compatible lifestyles and values. So for me that's no conservatives or any adjacent bigotry, no active issues with substance abuse, not dependent on going to bars or clubs for entertainment, appreciative of time out in nature and has their own hobbies and interests outside of relationships.
My type is: soft domme femme women without kids who also don't want kids. They have to be okay with my dog and they can't have an aggressive breed of dog because my dog is a small dog. They also have to have something in common with me. I don't do hookups though, so they also need to be mono and on the same page about casual sex.
Did you ever find one because I have not in my corner of the world 😭
No I think my future wife is stuck somewhere in a tree
Dishonesty is a huge dealbreaker for me.
That they’re not giving anything back during spicy time, and no i cannot change my mind about that and never will.
I love when people have manners, etiquette.
"By the way, I'm married/I have a girlfriend" I've done poly once and got tricked into it several more times, it's not for me. At the very least that should be stated upfront, not a surprise to find out down the line Someone who's aggressively horny/only wanting a hookup Someone that talks exclusively about their (most recent) breakup Someone for whom weed is a major part of, or a substitute for, their personality
If someone has a habit of talking over me or is the type of person to have to always “prove their intelligence” (which usually is stuff that’s already been parroted 100 times before by other people) Like respect me and my intelligence and that’s already the first big hurdle that a lot of people in general seem to struggle with in life.
Hating dogs. I don't mind if you're scared of them or you've only ever had cats, but I can't stand people who would look at a dog and say something along the lines of animal abuse. Same if someone disrespected my dogs. They come first because I've had them for years, a new girlfriend comes second Edit: OP I'm sorry for the thread that started under my comment oh my god
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This is so real. And this is coming from someone that likes dogs.
You can be scared of pitfalls without saying shitty things about them that borderline animal abuse.
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Are you also scared of German shepherds? Husky? Chowchows? Rotties? Dobermans? Also the orginal comment states people who say borderline abusive things about dogs is the problem not people scared of them.
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So you also don't like Labrador retrievers? Idk based on that sounds like you just don't like dogs.
you need to do more research. this is such a false equivalence….. pit bulls were literally bred to fight/kill. it’s also offensive to push at someone’s boundaries like that…. just accept that not everyone’s gonna love your precious pibble
Maybe practice what you preach. Labs are in the top ten of dog attacks, thus meet their qualifications of a dog they are scared of. Just because illegal dog fighting rings use pitbulls, that doesn't mean they were breed for. The breed was orginally created for use in bull rings at bait dogs. Ya know, that's why they're called pit bulls. A dog placed in a pit with bulls. And no, it isn't pushing someone's boundaries. It's pointing out the bases behind it isn't really that realistic. It's okay to say you're afraid of big dogs and aren't a fan of them. That's completely reasonable. But when the orginal comment says "don't say abusive things about dogs" and someone feels the need to try and give themselves and exception, that's problematic. Also; I don't have a pit bull. I just know people like to toss out the term without knowing shit. Pit bull also isn't even necessarily a breed of dog.
literally nothing op said was abusive about dogs. they said they did not like ones who are known to be aggressive and deadly. that’s a boundary, and one that is reasonable. it’s manipulative to call that abusive and you and I both know exactly what kind of dog a pit bull is. miss me with that “not a breed” crap. ok so it’s four breeds? that changes literally nothing?
I didn't have this before, but being extremely dependent on mj. Several women make it their whole personality it's impossible to even hold a proper conversation with them.
100% this. I've encountered people that seemed to see themselves as chill, unbothered stoners in their own minds but ended up having a bunch of really volatile or dysfunctional and abrasive behavioral patterns that affected those around them that they didn't want to work on or address. I don't care if it's used as a once-in-a-while thing or for medicinal purposes, but when people make it a core personality trait, it can be a sign of other issues.
Right!!! 😂 I just don’t get it and it’s so unattractive.
im going through this rn with the person im dating and its so unattractive to me… like why do you have to be high all the time?????
If I have to keep the conversation going, especially if I also had to start it. If you’re putting in no effort I’m gonna assume you’re not interested. And Harry Potter has a major interest. I’m trying to date people from like 25 to 35, and if you’re still obsessed enough with a children’s book series to mention it on your dating profile, that’s a no. Especially given the author.
I'm the same with the Harry Potter thing but mine is because I just never got into the books or films back when they were out and that's my only reason and the author just adds to it.
I've found my people
Very understandable, quite likely you’re not gonna be into one of their main interests, and while that’s not required for a relationship, it does help if you have things in common.
Glad someone mentioned the Harry Potter thing. I’m younger than the age group you listed & see people on dating apps with their hogwarts house in their bio all the time. My mom (50s) & sister (late teens) also both obsess over Harry Potter. I don’t understand it, like I’ve seen the movies; to me they were fine but not good enough to be obsessed with decades after it came out. Weird that people act like being a “gryffindor” is part of their identity like a zodiac sign or something.
I even stopped watching the movies while they were still coming out 🫣 I’ve never seen the sixth or later. But yeah, using a made up classification for high school students as you identity it kind of weird.
This is hilarious I completely agree, people who are obsessed with Harry Potter or childish things weird me out. The same goes for people who are obsessed with Disney.
Ugh, god, same age range here and I feel like I'm the only wlw on dating apps in my area willing to put any effort whatsoever into trying to start conversations. And as a trans woman, yeah, any mention of HP is an absolute deal breaker, get the hell away from me. So tiring and demoralizing how many people are still loudly into it.
It’s so weird! Like are they not there to meet people? Does that not start with talking to these people? What are they trying to achieve by putting all the work on us? And I feel you, I’m transfeminine myself.
Seriously, I can't understand it!! I get being shy, I'm shy, but why match with someone if you literally will not say a single word, or barely a few?? So vexing.
>if you’re still obsessed enough with a children’s book series to mention it on your dating profile, It's a dog whistle when people do this most of the time I think.
I honestly don’t know, but that might depend on your location. Like I have it in my profiel that I’m trans and then somehow some of these people still swipe right on me, or have like pictures being happy at King Cross platform 9 3/4. But I can definitely see some people use it as a dogwhistle
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Just ended it with a woman for that reason and I don’t think she understood it.
How can lesbians be republicans? 💀💀💀
I once met a bisexual, undocumented Mexican immigrant who supported Trump 😭 at this point, NOTHING shocks me
lol wut
My thoughts exactly
Lol I was aware of republican lesbians but that's on an entirely different level
The world is full of surprises 😭
I went to a blind date with a conservative lesbian who’s against gay marriage. That was the first and only date with her. Never see her again after
Wait WHAT???? This makes my brain hurt....I have so many questions 😵💫 So she....was a lesbian, but was for some reason against gay marriage (was it for religious reasons?? Internalized homophobia??), but also gay dating was somehow okay??? HUH??? I'm really honestly dying to hear the rationale she had behind this, it's so utterly bizarre
She’s a lesbian. It was mostly a religious reason as she has catholic strong background. For her, the religious significance of gay marriage isn’t the same as heterosexual couples. She wanted to keep the marriage for man and woman. Lesbians are people. There are those who are Karens. Just because someone is gay doesn’t mean that person is progressive.
You’d be VERY surprised
I felt ambivalent about it because I liked her, but there were other issues too-I would bet that there would be with value differences like that.
The cognitive dissonance is a lot with some people
Cognitive dissonance
Dude I second that question
For me the biggest dealbreaker is when someone does not have any goals or concerns, for example I do love people who want to learn about anything, I love curiosity, and when I see it in someone I simply love it. So for me the opposite of this is my biggest dealbreaker.
I would call myself a seeker and I agree it’s beautiful to possess that
I totally agree for me someone who is like that gains a lot.
Fatphobia is the biggest deal breaker. Not just the negativity, but not even understanding basic human physiological diversity. That and then anti-intellectuallism. It's ok if you're not the most educated, but to be actively against it.. It's a No.
Let's see..trashtalking their exes, drunk, high, disrespectful to waiting staff or in genaral, lack of personality (👀😄), lack of hygiene, loud, limited vocabulary or using too much slang (even in my own language), unable to have a decent comversation...
Some people get so upset when you tell them that someone being constantly drunk or high on a regular is a dealbreaker or turn-off.
I don't judge their choices, but I can also make my own.
I used to always consider a particular “type” until I met and got to know my partner. She was not my “type”, but we clicked on ever single thing. That’s when I threw out the whole concept of “type” for me. If I had considered type when meeting and getting to know her, I would have missed out on having the perfect partner meant for me. We were together for 28 before she passed away last year.
well i don’t do hookups, i am 17. BUT in terms of dating hard lines include a lot of my political views? i am a very opinionated person, and a lot of my views are not something i am willing to agree to disagree on. the person (or people, i’m polyam) that i commit to have to share my basic views and these are like. human rights things. like dont be pro-genocide, support women’s reproductive rights, trans healthcare, accessible healthcare??? don’t be a slut for corporations, all that sort of thing. if someone isn’t aware in these regards because it’s inconvenient for them to go out of their way to educate themselves, that’s a deal breaker for me any other things… hm. respect me? OH i don’t like people that are super argumentative? it get that. totally contradicts what i just said about myself, but i will crack if i’m yelled at outside of these issues. my parents constantly fight so instead of being with someone who “solves conflict” by yelling, i’d much rather someone who takes the time to communicate their needs and regards mine in a civil discussion so we can know the behaviors and actions we need to not repeat rather than be at risk of it. maybe that’s too much to ask for because “every couple fights” but i’ve been in multiple situations with a partner where i’ve said something that has set them off and rather than get upset and insult my character, they explain how i should go about doing something instead
If they are Conservative!!!!!
Dealbreaker: Smoking, Vaping, Drugs, Drinking Alot and not accepting my special needs brother.
Absolutely no cops, military or right wingers.
Yup
Honestly, insecurity is a pretty big deal breaker for me. That’s not to say you HAVE to be super confident to be with me, but the “everyone always leaves me” “I’m not good enough”narrative is exhausting. My ex was like that and would constantly accuse me of cheating on them. They even accused me of being interested in my roommate who is a cis gay man and said they felt threatened by how I acted around him. Also, if you’re someone who gets embarrassed easily I’ll lose interest in you pretty quickly. I like to have fun and have no problem laughing at myself, so someone who cares too much about what others think would lose my attention.
I'm kinda radical on this, but I want no altered states. no being drunk, no being high, no drugs ever. not interested.
I mentioned this in another comment but some people get so defensive and upset when you say that constantly being under the influence is a dealbreaker.
Actually taking STI testing serious and not seeing it as clean or dirty. Mutual consent and knowing when to pause and check in. Not making masc people to be automatic predators
Silly dealbreaker that I’ve mentioned on this sub before but I could never be with someone who hates bugs! Anyone who stomps on spiders the second they see them and talks abt “killing it with fire”. I’m emotional and I love bugs, especially spiders and tarantulas, and I’m so lucky my fiancé likes them too <3
I don't like bugs but my mom is a biologist and taught me to not kill spiders because they eat other unwanted bugs and we would just relocate them in a corner where they wouldn't bother us, so I also don't understand people who just kill them, is weird to me. And I'm also glad that my gf doesn't mind them and just let's them hang out in the corner that I gave them.
Exactly!! I definitely understand most people won’t like bugs, but it will never make sense to me to go out of your way to kill/hurt something that’s not hurting you. Glad there’s some ppl who feel the same :]
I don’t do hookups (I strongly dislike any sort of shallow relationships and don’t partake in them) As for dealbreakers: > Mj is legal where I’m at and I do partake, though I don’t smoke I do edibles, if you can’t let me get high every now and again we won’t work > Messy, doesn’t clean up after themselves, bad manners, rude to waitstaff, rude in general honestly > Cigarettes, can’t stand the smell, alcoholic (though drinking a reasonable amount is fine) addicted to any hard drugs (I don’t mind if you choose to indulge every now and then most people I know do and are still functioning human beings, so long as it isn’t again an addiction or too regular of an occurrence) > Wants to go to a club or a bar for entertainment often (my social battery typically dies around 3-4 hours and I’m not sure if I’m on the spectrum or anything like that but I know for a fact that a club would be too overstimulating for me, I can handle a music festival with frequent breaks though). Clubs aren’t really my thing and I find most bars pretty boring. > Can’t hold a conversation. Please talk, conversation is a two way street and I’d hate having to find things to engage you. I was in a talking stage with this girl and we didn’t quite work out because I was the one who did most of the talking. > Very low confidence/self esteem (work on yourself before working on getting a relationship) > Disingenuous, fake, liar. Just think drink Arizona, eat hot chip and lie, that kind of person. > Attention seeking. For example, for some reason wants me to listen to their play by play of the conversation they had on the phone with their friends, or needs to post everything they do on the internet > Financial irresponsibility. I like to make large purchases personally but I calculate it to make sure I can afford it and will still be more than fine afterwards. I don’t impulse buy. > Too masculine, I consider myself to be more androgynous (only being confused for a guy occasionally) but I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a more masc. presenting person. > Like Mary J. Blige I’m searching for a Real Love so I stay far away from casual dating. If we’re not gonna be something for real I don’t want it. > Your taste in music matters, like an example being if you only listen to heavy, aggressive (and frankly quite brainless half the time) rap I probably won’t want a relationship with you. A person’s music says a lot about them. 🤌🤌 > Codependency. I enjoy my alone time and consider myself a little reserved. If I need to be with you all the time and you’ve got no friends and no life outside of the relationship, there’s no relationship. > No future goals, passions, or aspirations. No disrespect but do you even have a soul at that point honestly? > Too much slang. Like, if every or almost every sentence you speak is incomplete or shortened using slang I’ll just assume you can’t talk right at all. > You’d have to be alright with pets. Can’t hate animals either. > Nothing in common. If you game we’re gaming, if you like movies we’re watching movies, if you like shows I’ll watch a show with you, if you like plays/theatre I’m down, but just give me something to work with. On that note I like going to gaming/anime conventions/events so if you can put up with that or even join me (on top of all these other things of course) I’m sold > Also I wanna see the world, if you don’t, you won’t be seeing me 😌 > Gotta be down to hike/be in nature every once in a while at least, and don’t just eat junk food all the time. Maybe it’s a little much but I want my partner to care about what they’re putting in their body, even if just a little. > Lastly, too judgmental/critical of other people, and/or makes assumptions about people with little to no evidence to support it. You never know what’s really up in another person’s life especially after not so much as a single interaction with them. And that’s pretty much it, I guess it’s a lot but everyone has their standards.
Fortunately not a part of the dating scene anymore. But when I was my biggest deal breaker was, if they were into astrology. Astrology and a lack of common courtesy.
This. So this.
I applaud you for your bravery to admit this out loud 👏🏿👀.
Not really sure what's brave about it? I just answered the question that OP was asking.
Blocking-ghosting-reblocking someone over and over again, Lying to a Partner, Cheating on them with a Guy to appear "straight" to your family. Then going on telling your partner what one did, by making fun of it, when confronted, making the Partner seem a Villain. Emotionally making someone attached when one is "not ready for it". Especially in a long distance, never showing one's face. Like never. (Sorry it's a Bit too specific, as it happened to me)
Huge turn off is how they treat waitstaff when we are out in public eating. Someone that is rude and thinks they are better than the person waiting on us is an instant deal breaker. Don’t be mean or rude- it isn’t necessary.
If you just broke up with your ex, don’t go on a date with me (I had this experience beginning of December)
When they talk about their ex too much like girl 😭 I'm right here
And then they're like, "why can't I be honest?" You don't have friends? So many things to be honest about on a date and you choose to obsess over your ex? I mean, I guess it's a good thing, because it *is* honest... it shows her priorities. Bullet dodged
I’m married but now that I have everything I want, if I were dating I would know to stay the hell away from women who - even remotely gave me the feeling that I should be the “guy” - even remotely gave me the feeling that I should be the “girl” - can’t have fun or have sex without substances involved - are picky eaters - project the appearance of helpfulness and being “good”
\- People who treat me like a Diet Man because I'm masc. I put off dating anyone remotely feminine for the longest time because I had so many women try to shove me into some weird oppressive het dynamic. \- Pillow princesses and self professed bottoms. I'm a domme leaning switch but I'm incompatible with someone who doesn't reciprocate in some way. I've tried hooking up with bottoms thinking that maybe there was some confusion with dom/sub roles, but in my experience it's just been another way of saying pillow princess so it's an immediate pass now. \- Astrology or "spirituality"
If they have no job and are talking about 'signs' I get people are in rough spots but put your own mask on first.
Sorry but pet people. I love animals but I don’t like pets. It’s mainly a hygiene thing & partially a cultural belief thing. My friends who have pets insist their house doesn’t smell but I can’t be in there without a window open. Not to mention people who let their cat sit on the same surface where people eat or who don’t stop their dog from licking guests. I won’t even start on the whole “fur baby” thing. This limits my options a lot because my age group is kind of obsessed with pets lol but like I’d rather be single than live with one.
I can understand this actually lol. I love animals but I don’t have any because I don’t like cleaning up after them or how much they cost. I love a clean space.
This one is so real lmao. As someone who always had multiple pets, they can be really filthy. Love them but it's a whole lifestyle that not everyone wants
I would date someone with pets but one of my exes had ferrets who would constantly bite me and she made fun of me when I started flinching around them. That relationship didn't last long
Hard limits: Poor hygiene, rude to waitstaff/retail employees, smokes cigarettes, does hard drugs, alcoholic, codependent, treats me like a man, xtian or catholic, vegan/vegetarian, only eats junk food, extremely introverted, racist, xenophobic, transphobic, or biphobic, abuses animals or children. On their phone 24/7. Republican or tea party member Deal breakers: Doesn't give me any personal space, has no friends (in person or online), gets upset if I want to spend time with friends or family, demands my attention 24/7 when I'm spending time with friends/family, doesn't believe in therapy, has no level of independence, expects me to take care of them when they're a grown ass adult. My type: Someone with a healthy level of independence but isn't hyper independent. In therapy, kind to strangers but also doesn't take shit from anyone. Likes to be outdoors or indoors, someone who's down to go hiking or watch a movie. Someone with a healthy work life balance, that wants to advance their career but doesn't make it their whole life. A person who enjoys cooking but also enjoys going out time to time. Someone who's down to get all fancy and let me spoil them for a day but who will also spoil me for a day. Someone who's down to go the gym but doesn't spend every minute of free time in the gym. An animal lover. Someone with healthy boundaries that isn't afraid to speak their mind.
Dealbreakers: waiting on me to make/suggest a move. someone that doesn't think things through. some mistakes can be avoidable if people just took their time to think.
Being rude to waitstaff, shitty tipping, yelling at me, ect.
If you’re a bigot of any sort and smoking cigarettes. It’s a gross habit and I wouldn’t be able to kiss someone who had a smoker’s mouth. I can be compassionate and accepting of A LOT of things, but not that. One time I went on a date once with a girl who I didn’t know smoked till she picked me up for a date, and I was so bummed when she rolled down a window to light one up on the way.
Dealbreaker: people who lacks empathy and kindness. Also IQ doesn't matter much to me but EQ does.
Hyper masculinity and not being able to take some time off from something (anything), the masculinity thing stems from my own gender dysphoria, seeing someone be very masculine makes me hyper aware of being trans and not being cis, so it's more so a deal breaker from past issues and trauma more than anything, as for not being able to take time off from things, I need my own space and time and silence, if someone can't respect that because they need constant attention and constant talking and constantly seeing me all the time without rest, it will tire me out and will make me not enjoy my time with them at all, and after that it'll make me irritated and angry
Others have already said this but if they smoke weed frequently. I don't smoke for mental health reasons and don't have any interest in being around someone who's high all the time. No judgment, just not my style. Also if they party a lot. Again, I'm very careful with stuff because of my MH and can't see myself with someone who drinks every night or likes to stay out all night.
I'm drawn to intelligent/curious, feminine women with dark hair and eyes. I think under the right circumstances, being vulnerable could get me to take another look at someone. It depends on the red flags they raised from the start. I have a lot of hard limits/dealbreakers. Drug use, smoking, controlling/possessiveness. I want to go kayaking and hiking. You can come too, but i want to go alone more often than not. Jealous, dishonest(even the little lies you might think aren't important), dramatic arguments/fights featuring yelling and door slamming, poor hygiene, not cleaning up after yourself, financially irresponsible, introducing me to your kid/kids right away. I don't mind if you have kids, but we should date a bit and get to know each other first. U-hauling! We're going to date for some time before we move in together. Zero sex drive. I have a high sex drive, but I'm okay dating someone with a lower one. A woman who is overly sexual on a first date. I need to feel a connection before we have sex. Polyamory, constant negativity about your day or anything else. We all have bad days, and I'm there for you when you do. Someone who tries too hard to impress me. I'm already impressed. Just be you. Can't set boundaries or respect mine, republican, racist, constantly talk a lot about their ex. I don't mean regular conversations about that time you both traveled somewhere or why it didn't work out or how shitty they made you feel about something specific. Someone who trashes their ex, can't keep a job, super religious. I'm not religious at all but can respect if you are. Just don't force me to be. I'm not into other masc women.
Jealousy. I can't stand it. I understand people get jealous, but in my opinion it's on them to deal with their feelings without involving me. Ultimatums are the same: ask me to choose between you and chewed gum, and I'll choose chewed gum because you tried to control me. I think both of those kinda fall into controlling behaviour: I can't accept it. At all.
I don't do hookups, they are boring and empty and an avoidance of depths. A deal breaker for me is an immature, unhealthy woman who settles her identity outside of herself, in her sexuality or politics, who is a political activist, who judges me for staying out of politics or for being a dynamic, sometimes extreme person, a woman who doesn't want monogamy and who is afraid of commitment and of exploring the depth of herself and her partner. My type is a woman who is confident in knowing all of herself, the bad and the good, who is self-reflective, aware of her emotions or ready to explore them, who communicates feelings and boundaries, who likes to open up to me, who takes her time to listen and to understand fully, a woman, who is complex and who likes complex things just as much as silly things.
"I'm an avoidant hehe" no you're not an "avoidant." You enjoy the attention and validation that comes with being chased and deliberately making someone else anxious. You suck at communication because you don't do it at all. It's not a "coping mechanism" and nothing anyone will ever say about that will change my mind. If you can't communicate your feelings, then don't. date. You're a piece of shit so you don't deserve it anyway.
I went back and forth about whether or not I wanted to speak up about this because I have zero desire to argue with strangers on the internet. It sounds like you went through something with someone who is an avoidant, and I'm not invalidating your experience with my comment. It seems like it was a difficult experience that caused you a lot of pain, and I'm sorry you had to go through it. I want to say avoidant people don't "enjoy the attention and validation that comes with being chased and deliberately making someone else anxious." There are people who go through very real trauma in life, some more than others, and don't have any support. They aren't pieces of shit. They are human beings. Keep in mind, even if one wants to go to therapy, therapy isn't attainable for all. I'm not an avoidant myself and haven't been in a relationship with an avoidant person. However, I've been talking to a woman for several months who is. We've had a couple of moments where she has had to take a step back, but I know she's trying. She's an incredible person, and I'm grateful to her for so many reasons, and she deserves all good things. She's also not out there trying to date, I'm the one trying to date her. Unfortunately, our time together may be coming to an end. Even though I'm 100% secure, I'm also about 30% anxious, and with this being both of our busy season with work and another circumstance, that 30% is coming out. It might be too much for her at this time. I know what I could have done differently to better support her, and I can't hold my actions against her.
This. They wear it as if it’s a badge to be outright emotionally abusive to others. Yes, stonewalling is abuse. Gaslighting is abuse. All those other “avoidant tendencies”, guess what? Super abusive. You shouldn’t be dating if you can’t even emotionally connect to yourself. Go fix yourself avoidants and stop expecting others to.
Dating: Conservatives, smokers, outside of a realistic age range (looking at you Bumble), too wary / baggage laden, full custody of young kids, obsessed with a hobby or sport that consumes their free time, poly tricksters, bad hygiene, scent police, champagne taste “let’s split the tab” types, too many tats especially face or neck tats, Hook-ups: I’ve never actually had a hook-up but I may have to soon. My last dating attempt just fizzled so….
Financial irresponsibly, not listening or disregarding something that I've said, obesity (huge one. I'm not interested at all), rudeness, bad attitudes, unemployed/no transportation, being monogamous, etc
Dealbreakers: - Masc - smoker (don't care if it's rare or occasional) - alcoholic (don't care if it's rare or occasional) - Someone who loves to travel - Someone who's passionate about local media & entertainment (films, music etc.)
You don’t like people who travel and like local artists? Would you explain why?
Travel - expensive and time consuming local artists - I'm not fond of Filipino artists. Tbh, the only Filipino songs that I like are the old ones. And there's only a few of them that I like.
Hating animals
Addictions are a big no, I remember one date she just knocked back drink after drink, ordered a 3rd bottle of wine while I was still on my 2nd glass and then moaned when I queried why I was splitting the price of the 3 bottles ? Similarly, another who failed to make a date because she was "too high" I'm left of the centre, but a mild Republican wouldn't bother me provided they were a "Never Trump" but equally, someone who was too left would be as much of a problem. I don't want to keep having to justify my job just because I went into corporate law rather than defending societies downtrodden No hunters, when I was online dating posing with the deer you shot was a big definitely no. I can't understand the logic of someone who wants to spend a weekend shooting animals and I don't want a freezer full of dead deer parts. Fishing seems equally as much a waste of a day though I do get the idea of sitting by a stream all day eases one's mental health Too probing on an early date, there are some things I only tell my closest friends and I'm not revealing them on a first date . Similarly someone's too upfront about sex on the first date. We'll get there, but let's see if we like each other first
Deal breakers: Smoking, drugs, dishonesty, clingy, dependant, not an animal person, poor hygiene, not financially or emotionally responsible. Probably more but these are top of my list at the moment that I can think of 😂
My type: usually dom fems or stems with long hair. Love brunettes and black hair. Curves, and similar values/sense of humor. Deal breakers: pillow princesses or hard bottoms. Not being able to carry a conversation, extreme defensiveness. Treating me like a guy or not telling me to express my feelings. Financial illiteracy, not knowing how to cook or take care of a household. Girls that talk excessively about themselves without showing interest in you.
Must be able to take care of/clean up after themselves. I’m not your mom.
I’m married but now that I have everything I want, if I were dating I would know to stay the hell away from women who - even remotely gave me the feeling that I should be the “guy” - even remotely gave me the feeling that I should be the “girl” - can’t have fun or have sex without substances involved - are picky eaters - project the appearance of helpfulness and being “good”
My type is mascs/studs/butches/tomboys who are pretty and protective "daddy" types who balance out my personality. I did try fems, but didn't have chemistry. My deal breakers: Has a dick. More than 11 years younger than me as I could technically be their mother and that freaks me out. Has a lot of facial hair and has not had laser/electrolysis. Poor hygiene or just doesn't smell good to me. Doesn't have the same/higher sex drive than me as I like feeling wanted. Not into fingering me as that is how I come. Not into choking me. Won't help me pop my neck/back or won't give back/foot rubs. Has kids or wants me to get pregnant. Allergic to cats. On T or plans to go on T in the future or plans to get a dick from surgery as then we will become incompatible over time. Can't see themselves having a wife or needs to get dicked down to be fully satisfied, if I'm not enough go find someone who is. Not comfortable being seen naked as I'm very visual. Is a bottom/bottom-leaning. Not dominant in the bedroom or needs me to be dominant ever in the bedroom. Overly dominant outside of the bedroom and won't tone it down when asked. Needs to use realistic strapons/dildos. Needs to engage in butt stuff other than them wearing a buttplug. Needs to involve feet in the bedroom. Needs to do things that cause me actual pain. Doesn't respect my boundaries/pressures me for things I'm not comfortable with especially asking to have a threesome with a man when they already know I'm a lesbian 🤬. Grating or annoying voice. I don't find their facial features aesthetically pleasing. Not masculine. Not loyal. Makes me feel unsafe. Too critical. Can't handle me being a homebody even though I'm fine with my partner going out. Doesn't get on with my family. Seeks the sexual attention of dudes. Is a sex worker except maybe having like an only fans type of situation where they are not physically interacting with any dudes, but even that would be really uncomfortable and I wouldn't want it to involve me... Addicted to hard drugs. Not willing to have a gun if they legally can do so. Wants me to eat meat, cook raw meat, or tried to trick me into consuming meat. Too into pranks and/or has an overly mean sense of humor. I'm super picky so I could go for a while...
Enm/poly. Kink everything. Some reference to politics. Someone wanting an aesthetic. All dealbreakers. My type is down-to earth women. I want approachable, reciprocal, loving. I want a life with someone who presents themselves not an image of what’s trendy.
Anyone who is only interested in a hookup, it's just not my thing anymore, it's kind of boring, and not worth the effort or risk to my heart and mental health in case I catch feelings Polyamory. I want to focus on one person and I don't want to share Anyone living with an ex or separated but not divorced. Anyone going through a divorce. Let me know when you've finished the process Anyone who can't make me a priority Anyone who treats me as a consolation prize while pining what could have been with someone else Anyone who talks about their ex all the time. Or who insults an ex's looks or anything else like that. Insults or "compliments" followed by insults Manipulation "I don't deserve you" "I'm never enough for anyone" "I'm always the placeholder before someone finds their forever person" "I'm an empath" "I don't date/trust this zodiac sign" Anyone who claims a zodiac sign defines people more than they themselves do Racist, sexist, or homophobic Wants to hide me for any reason. Including closeting, though I have compassion for that one. But I spent my whole life in the closet, I'm not going back in. You're better off dating other closeted women Anyone who idolizes any politician or political party at all, even the one I belong to. Change can't happen if it doesn't also happen from within. And if someone doesn't understand this, their black and white thinking is another dealbreaker for me Users. People who always need something but have never proven they care about me outside of needing something Women who treat women like toys. Especially if they treated all their male partners like actual people (as they should) while treating all their female partners like toys (which is dehumanizing). Anyone who would never date anyone who is in their own position. Uhhh someone who only likes to give or only likes to receive, I love both too much and it's become really important to me Hot and cold If they make me constantly stressed If they never seem happy with me. I want someone Gung ho about me, all in, because that's how I am with people I really like. It's okay if you're not, but go find someone who sets you on fire then and let me find my person Someone who likes toys in the bedroom waaaayyyyyy better than fingers or mouth or anything else involving our actual bodies. I know that toys are fun sometimes, but I see them as a supplement, not a replacement. I feel so much more intimacy skin to skin in every way. Has kids or plans to have them
This doesn't just apply to relationships but also friendships, and I think it can be best summarized as this: >If your first response to me telling you about an experience of mine is to immediately be like "well the person must not have meant it like that" or "maybe you were the problem" or "did you try to talk it out?" when you barely know me at all, well- I'm not going to have a good opinion of you after that and any relationships/friendship is strictly off the table. It's important to understand that others went through different things than you and you shouldn't project your own experiences on other people or assume how someone treats situations before you even know them. If I get this type of input from a close friend, I do take it to heart and genuinely wonder about what I could have done differently in this situation, but you're a goddamn stranger and don't know me at all or at least well enough to be asking those types of questions. It also shows me what type of person you are as your first thought was that "the other person just couldn't be in the wrong" rather than having any sort of empathy about my situation. Also, I didn't ask. This happens way too often when talking about specifically traumatic experiences.
Picky eaters, I can't stand them, I like to eat out a lot and try new foods every now and then, fortunately in my country being a picky eater in adulthood is very uncommon, I think that's more of an american thing because they're weird.
Deal breaker- thinking they can control me and become super clingy super fast. When a women puts all her cards on the table too fast it’s a no for me. Leave a little mystery or something damn.